THE PAPER July 21, 2016 (Rockford, IL/Stateline Area)

Volume 19, Number 15

Always FREE, but I’m counting on you to buy me a Scotch on the rocks

Like Us On The Rockford Area’s ONLY Underground Newspaper for Adults Serving the Stateline Area since 1998 Distributed at 200 locations in Illinois and Wisconsin

July 21, 2016

at Facebook.com/TheStatelinePaper/ Table of Contents Letter from the Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 2 Jokes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 4 Cullen’s Corner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 8 Horoscopes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 10 Classifieds. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 11 Comics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 13 Advice Column . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 15 Padded Room . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 15 7 Bs Event Calendar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 16 The Music Scene . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 18

Celebrate National Scotch Day Responsibly National Scotch Day is celebrated annually on July 27 refer to a unit for drinking as a dram. (and weekly by our editor), but what the hell is Scotch , All Scotch whisky must adhere to the guidelines of and what makes it different than other whiskey? the Scotch Whiskey Regulations, such as being All Scotch whisky was originally made from malt- produced in a distillery in Scotland from water and ed barley. Commercial distilleries began introduc- malted barley (to which only whole grains of other ing whisky made from wheat and rye in the late cereals may be added) all of which have been pro18th century. Scotch whisky is divided into five cessed at that distillery into a mash; converted at distinct categories: single malt Scotch whisky, sin- that distillery to a fermentable substrate only by gle grain Scotch whisky, blended malt Scotch endogenous enzyme systems; and fermented at that whisky (formerly called “vatted malt” or “pure distillery only by adding yeast. Furthermore, all malt”), blended grain Scotch whisky, and blended Scotch must be distilled at an alcoholic strength at Scotch whisky. Many Scotch whisky drinkers will 90 proof minimum and 190 proof maximum. It must

be wholly matured in a warehouse in Scotland in oak casks of a capacity not exceeding 185 gallons for at least three years. It also can contain no added substances other than water and caramel coloring.

Any age statement on a bottle of Scotch expressed as a number, must reflect the age of the youngest whisky used to produce that product. A whisky with an age statement is known as guaranteed-age whisky.

The first written account of Scotch was in 1495 regarding a friar named John Cor who distilled it at his abbey.

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Basketball Player SusFools in the News “We usually ask boxers to stop boxing after losing College pended for Too Much Ball Handling

Dumbasses in Headlines around the World more than 10 fights in a row,” stated boxing coach A college basketball star in Debuke, Iowa, was sus-

Frank “Knucklebuns” Sawyer. “But the kid’s got pended after sexually harassing his male summerGoofy Gramps Publicly Paints Penis heart so we let him go out there and make us feel session biology teacher.

A community college in Stank, Fla., is recovering something I wish I could call pride.”

“When I asked the student to remain after class, he read from an art class debacle after a live nude model “I love the sport and go out there every day and the situation incorrectly and boxed me in the corner of turned out to be an elderly man with dementia that give it my best,” Slack mumbled. “If I didn’t have the classroom,” admitted the teacher, whose name was escaped a nearby retirement home hours earlier. boxing and all of these competitive failures under not released. “That was when the ball handling began, and I’m not talking about basketballs. I felt it was my The senior citizen was found roaming the college halls my belt, I’d have nothing.” half-naked and mistaken as the model. “I thought Those interested can see if Slack beats his record responsibility to report him to the authorities.” something was odd about the talent choice,” shared next week in Racine, Wis. shocked student Amber Bluthe. “It became obvious once he became aroused and began eating paint.”

Inept Illinois Inactivity Leads to Student Hamburg Throop said, “I was personally State Windfall at Citizens Expense excited to sketch a model that had such withered parts. It’s challenging to draw and shadow skin The fallout from the elected officials of Illinois inability folds and that old man had a lot ... at first. Then he to work together has reached a new low. started eating the paint.”

Because of lack of funding, the state was unable to afford The school has issued an apology to students and the community, and promised to provide counseling to those requesting it. The students’ work will be auctioned off with the proceeds going to erectile dysfunction research.

‘Slacker’ Boxer Beats Loss Record An amateur boxer from Chipoinga, Wis., broke a record last week after losing his 37th fight in a row.

Now, with a record of 6 and 66, Gary Slack holds the nation’s worst professional record on file.

The student, Henry L. Lucas, is appealing the motion and hopes to be on the court soon. The ‘Debuke Nuggets’ will miss the power forward until his possible return, as he was the leading scorer on the team.

Sisters Charged in Shopping Spree

Teen sisters from Snatch,Wy., were released from custody Tuesday morning after stealing their postage on reminders to drivers to renew their license mom’s car to go to the neighboring cities mall. plates. The move saved the state almost $500 ,000 a Not knowing her daughters took the car, Vera Welsh month, and also doubled the number of late fees for li- called police which led to the teens’ arrest hours later.

“They were headed home with bags from ‘Forever 21’ cense plates renewals. and ‘Spencer’s’,” said arresting officer Willy Hill. ”Their The move has brought in almost $10 million in late fees mom was so mad she told us to keep them for the night already this year. and keep the clothes. My daughter was roughly the The Illinois legislature has reportedly been working on a size and shape of one of the perps, but their styles differ. bill that would limit this fee until the state starts sending So, we just left the pants and unitard-looking shirts in out reminders again, but given their history under the the breakroom for whoever wanted them.” current governor, that’s about as likely as having a Hill then shared information about his family’s friendly picnic with a sasquatch. eating habits and the best place to get discounted shoes in the city (the church thrift store).

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Ramblings from the Editor

In this column, I typically ramble about some crazy shit in my life or what’s going on at THE PAPER , etc. but I’m not going to do that this week. Instead I want to talk about how much we care about you, our readers.

THE PAPER

can be a serious subject, and I just want to remind you that if you are facing drinking problems or drug addiction, there is help out there for you. Check out rockfordaa.org or rragsna.org. And now onto the good shit….

“What kind of crap is that?” you As always, I look forward to your might ask, but it’s not a ploy to gain feedback. your undying devotion, its just some- Sincerely, thing we should mention.

If you are a regular reader of this pubKevin Cole lication, you know we like to crack jokes about drinking and maybe even Editor & Publisher sometimes about drugs. However, it ThePaper@gmx.com

Cancer Sucks!!! Poker Run July 30th The Widow Sons Masonic Riders Association Kinsman Redeemers Chapter of Rockford is putting on its “Cancer Sucks!!!” poker run on July 30 to benefit Frank Fester and Bettie Persoon who are both suffering from cancer.

The run costs $10 and starts off at Cronies Bar & Grill in Machesney Park at noon on Saturday, July 30. It continues to Hogs and Hydrants in Durand, The Loose Screw in German Valley, Kishwaukee Tap in Rockford and then back to Cronies.

All are welcome, whether riding motorcycle, or driving other vehicles.

July 21, 2016

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Quotes to Make You Think “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

- Albert Einstein “Some people like what you do, some people hate what you do, but most people simply don’t give a damn.”

July 21, 2016

Well Deserved Shout Outs: Thanks for the Memories Other than our readers and our advertisers, who you should support because they make this publication possible, there are some others that I want to give out shout outs to.

First are the cool people we met at Rockview, like Suzi, Connie, Jenny, Sheryl, “Baskets” and all the others—a cool place to hang out with really down-to-Earth people.

I also want to give a shout out to Carl with the good taste in music we hung out with at Town Hall, which is always a fun bar (and welcome back Stephanie!)

- Charles Bukowski

Another group that deserves recognition is the SM + SF Club for the work they do raising money for cancer patients.

“The 2 Wheel is the best damn black hole you will ever get sucked into.”

Thanks to the accommodating staff and fine music at Dusty Boots.

- Wayne “I’ll dare you to dine with the crosslegged knights; Dare me to jump and I will; I’ll fall from your grace, but I’ll never let go of your hand.”

- Tom Waits “So many books, so little time.”

Also a big hey to Paul at Casalena’s Carpet Cleaning. I had him clean the carpets in my home and he totally kicks ass. I highly recommend the service.

And a Hell yeah to Mr. C—he ain’t lyin’ when he tells you about how good his food is. We weren’t disappointed.

I would also be amiss if I didn’t give a shout out to Lana, Wayne, Adam, Steven, Jason, Cheryl, D, Matt, Roach, Corey and all of the cool people that hang out at 2 Wheel. A damn great place.

Another cool joint we stopped at was Railroad Tap, whosebartender—Michelle—was very hospitable.

- Frank Zappa

Thanks again to Vic & Jim’s for the great time at the shuffleboard tournament last week and the tasty pizza.

“Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist.”

I also want to thank Cathi and Todd at Westmor Lanes for taking the time to shoot the shit with us when we come in.

- George Carlin

Lastly, thanks to those of you who text, email and write to share words of encouragement. That’s among the best parts of this job.

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Just for Shits and Giggles

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 10, because its still dark in my basement.

A hillbilly was hiding outside of his sister’s room, listening to her and some of her girlfriends playing Truth or Dare. Finally it was his sister's turn and she chose “Truth.” He listened intently to one of her friends giggle and say, “When was the last time you had an orgasm?” His sister thought for a few seconds and said, “It was a week ago.” Then the hillbilly burst into the room and shouted, “I knew you faked it last night!”

July 21, 2016

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says, “you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!” The Irishman responds, “I don't know it was burning when I walked in.”

Whenever I go bowling, I enter my name as “3 testicles.” That way, occasionally the monitor says, “Congratulations 3 testicles!

You got a spare!”

A hobo walks back into the camp where his buddies are having dinner. He is all happy and smiling. They ask, “Why are you so A man went up to a sexy girl in a bar and said, “Would you like to happy?” He replies, “Well, I was walking along the track and come back to my place?” “I think you should ask my boyfriend first,” found a beautiful woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and we she replied smiling. To which he said, “No thanks. I'm not gay.” had sex for hours.” One of his buddies asks: “Did you get any A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts head?” “No,” he replied, “the train took most of that.” drinking his beer. Jeff asks him: “My friend, do you know any Two nuns are walking in a forest. All of a sudden two maniacs atmartial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?” The Chinese man tack them and start sexually abusing them. One of the nuns says: replied, “Why do you ask? Is it because I’m Chinese?” Jeff re“Oh God ... please forgive them for they don't know what they are sponded, “No, it's because you are drinking my beer.” doing!” The other nun turns around and says: “Mine does!”

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothes and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”

What’s the difference between onions and your mother-in-law?

You don’t cry when you’re chopping up your mother-in-law.

I got caught jerking off while sniffing the underwear of my friend’s mother. It probably wouldn’t have been so bad if she wasn’t wearing them at the time, but my friend went fucking ballistic! That sure as Hell made the rest of her funeral really awkA man was about to have drunken sex with a prostitute. He fum- ward for the both of us … bled around with the condom for so long that the she took it out A husband and his wife are watching a boxing match. When it of his hands, somewhat frustrated, and said, “Do you want me to was over, the husband said, “I'm so disappointed, the whole put it on for you?” “Yes please,” the man said, grinning. “Okay,” thing was over in just six minutes. His wife started laughing and she said, “But you're going to have to get me erect first.” said, “Now you know how I feel.”

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… Scotch Whisky Continued from Page 1 So, other than being made in Scotland (and spelled without an “e” in it, what is the difference between Scotch whisky and American or Canadian whiskey or bourbon?

First, one must understand what whiskey (or whisky) is if he or she is to understand the differences between various kinds of whiskey? Basically, whiskey is any spirit distilled from fermented grain mash (except some made from corn, which doesn’t always have to be aged) that must be 80 to 190 proof.

Bourbon whiskey must be made from a grain mixture that is at least 51 percent corn. Fermentation is often started by mixing in some mash from an older already fermenting batch (sour mash). Bourbon must be made in the United States and be distilled to no more than 160 proof and be no more than 125 proof when put into casks for aging in new charred oak barrels. It has no minimum aging period, but “straight bourbon” must be aged for at least two years (and can have no coloring, flavor or other spirits added to it). “Blended bourbon “can contain coloring, flavoring and other spirits, as long as 51 percent of the mix is straight bourbon. The age on the bottle of blended bourbon must be the age of the youngest whiskey in the mix. Tennessee Whiskey is just straight bourbon made in Tennessee and filtered through charcoal.

Canadian (generally rye whiskey) historically had the majority of the mash made of rye. But with no actual rules in place, it now may be made with a mash content with a corn to rye ration as high as 9 to 1. The only rule to label whiskey as “rye” in Canada is for it to have some rye in it, and to “possess the aroma, taste and character generally attributed to Canadian whiskey.”

In America, rye whiskey must be made from a mash that is no less than 51 percent rye. Other ingredients commonly used are corn and barley. Otherwise, it follows the exact same rules as bourbon. Very few producers in the world use 100 percent rye mash, just a couple in Canada.

So, there you have it, everything you wanted to know about whiskey and then some. Celebrate National Scotch Day responsibly and remember it is also National Buy an Underground Newspaper Editor a Scotch Day.

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July 21, 2016

Cullen’s Cor ner : Something on My Own

By Cullen Kilpatrick Sitting reading the paper with coffee in the morning isn’t the joy it used to be. I always appreciated the smell of fresh brewed coffee in my Grandparent’s kitchen, big band music playing softly in the background and the peace of the mornings in their home. I’ve tried to recreate this in my own home, and it seems everyone just wants to make fucking noise for the hell of it. “Mom, mom, I want Mommy” from my daughter, and “Dad, in Minecraft …” from my son. And, that is my life: The computer, the television, the wife, the children, all ringing and screaming first thing in the morning.

“Maybe you need to go do something quiet for yourself this week Cullen,” my wife said as my fingers tremble, shaking the paper, “maybe golfing, you used to love golfing.” She’s appeared happier this week, and despite how loud it always seems in my home, I’m happier knowing that she wants me to do something by myself. I scan the paper and learn there is an event at Rock Cut State park on Monday nights for golfing, and I turn to my wife and mention the ad. “Sounds like a fun golf outing,” she says smiling at me, “what’s the event called?”

I adjust my glasses and respond, “Glory Hole Night, and it starts at 5:23 PM.” Monday rolls around and I find myself sitting in the blue mini-van, thumbing through my phone. There’s been no response from Bloodbath in weeks on social media or email, and so I’ve blocked him. Yet, I find I still do that thing where I look at other people’s profiles hoping to see some sign of him. It’s been healthier to be rid of my womanizing alcoholic bird, but I can’t help but wonder if he is all right.

Suddenly, I’m distracted by the sight of a guy in armor and a foam sword walking through the park, and heading into the woods.

“Hey pal, are you here for the LARPing event?” the man asks with his face painted like he’s going to the set of Braveheart.

“No brother,” I reply, “golfing. What the hell is LARPing?”

“LARPing is life. Have fun with your golf game. I don’t even think there’s a course out here.” He turns and disappears into the woods. As I sit staring at him, several other grown men show up in costume. Knowing they are clearly here for whatever the fuck LARPing is, I sit and wait for my first sight of a golf cart. Early evening settles in, and I

start feeling that anxiety where I know I want alcohol simply because the lights are off. I question my life, and struggle with ideas of how to actually live it.

A Police Officer drives up as I start to back out of my spot, giving up on the golf outing. He flashes his berries and cherries, and grown men run screaming “DRAGON” out of the woods. Several squads show, and flash their lights, and the scene is nothing but chaos. The cop behind me screams as he takes out his flash light, “Ah, Glory Hole Night! It’s time to make some doughnuts!” He runs into the blackness of the forest screaming.

I back out of my spot, and speed out of the park as quickly as I can. Suddenly an owl flies into my windshield. I’ll be damned if it wasn’t Bloodbath all dressed up in leather with a sword and a ball gag in his beak. Before I could confirm it was him, a cop bursts out from the bushes and tackles him to the ground. I sped away, now convinced I either misunderstood where the golfing night was at, or what a glory hole was. Either way, I made plans to never golf again.

When I return home, I go to the bathroom and throw up. My anxiety has been doing that to me a lot lately, and I straddled the little corner between the toilet and wall before falling asleep. The dreams there were more real than my evening, and I could almost reach out and touch the days of a younger me again. The maze like experience of my childhood street winded and turned, and smelled of my mother’s apple pie.

“Honey!” My wife startles me awake, the children screaming and the radio blaring in the hall. “Did you hear about what happened last night?”

“Uh, no,” I reply, confused as to why she hadn’t asked about be sleeping in the corner of the bathroom.

“The mayor’s Director of Human Resources was found wearing a suit of card board armor waving a dildo around in the woods last night and has been arrested.”

“Wow, you don’t say?” I ask. “So, are you going to apply for his job?” I stand up, cracking my neck. “That’s exciting news!”

My wife puts her hands on her hips, and smiles, “Honey, you know I don’t like it in the ass, I thought you could apply for the job.”

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Contact Kevin at THE PAPER for details thepaper@gmx.com or (815) 721-1507

July 21, 2016

SM & SF Kicks in for Cancer Victims If you ever have the misfortune to find yourself in the Cancer Center at Rockford Memorial Hospital, you will see a small refrigerator and a basket of snacks for the patients donated by the SM&SF club. The drinks and snacks are there as a small comfort, and for patients that might need something to eat to avoid becoming dizzy from their treatment. However, this is just one very small part of the fraternal organization’s “Kick In For Cancer” program.

First off, the SM&SF is the “Swedish Music & Sick Fraternity” and it dates back more than 100 years to when the Swedish population in Rockford would rely on each other to carry on traditions and also in times of need when they needed help affording medical assistance. Today it has grown into a philanthropic organization that brings people together for enjoyment and good deeds. It’s major programming is the sponsorship of Kick In For Cancer, which it founded 18 years ago.

The program, which has raised more than $400,000 over the course of its existence, is unlike other cancer programs in that 100 percent of the money goes directly to cancer patients and their families to help them deal with the expenses associated with their treatment and, hopefully, recovery. None of it is given to fund cancer research or pay doctors or hospitals, which is relatively unique compared to other organized events.

To raise money (now around $30,000 a year), the organization hosts several benefits/fundraisers over the course of the year, including a gathering held last week at the SM & SF Park south of Rockford, in which more than 300 people attend to enjoy good food and drink, listen to music and raise money for the cause. The next event is a golf outing in August. For more information, visit SMandSFClub.org or call(815) 399-9471.

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July 21, 2016

AMAZING Horoscopes from the Great Madame Bovine Cancer (June 22-July 22)

The Devil offers you the full reign of hell in all of its You discover that Google has the answers to everything except the big questions like life glorious burningness if you can find a way to keep ABafter death. Don’t worry, I write horoscopes for a living and have to tell you this is actually BA from playing Dancing Queen around the clock. You Hell. Seriously, I don’t know where my life went wrong. One day you’re living it up in Can- suggest hiring Meryl Streep to take care of the problem, and the Devil tells you that “all she did was turn it cun dancing with a hot Latino wedding photographer, the next you’re raising his illegitiinto a 24-hour musical.” Your suggestion leads to a mate bastard child in the bowels of a Florida Barrio. You look around at how much better tirade from the Dark Lord’s, um, darker side, describeveryone’s life is, and secretly we’re all miserable bastards for about 80 years before a sea ing what “bitches Meryl and Oprah are.” Your planet is of inky blackness. Your planet is an illusion, your color is false hope. Cheers.

Coffee; your fruit is a hot pepper. Hail Satan!

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You’ll be caught kissing mirrors this week in the legal director’s office in town hall. When you are caught by the mayor, he’ll confuse you for a member of his staff while fucking you in the ass, and then offer you a new job working for the city once he realizes you’re just a stranger.

You’ll decline, stating that now you have tried involuntary ass sex, you realize it’s not really your thing. You’ll walk away indignant that the guy you voted for didn’t even bother to offer you some tissue to clean yourself up. Your planet is Kleenex. Don’t sit for this!

Virgo (August 23-September 22) You totally suck balls this week, and are a pain in the ass to everyone. You color coordinate your outfits to match your toothbrush, and clean every square inch of your home with a pipe cleaner. You’ll be accused of necrophilia this week, not because you act suspiciously at funerals, but because you literally fuck dead people. The police will let you go though, because most of the cops who catch you in the act are actually Scorpios too. Your planet is doughnut hole. Necronomicon bitches!

Libra (September 23-October 23) You’ll find that your girlfriend leaves you in the car all week this week with the window lowered a crack while she goes to work at Ms. Kitty’s Titty Twister. You’ll find yourself escaping the confines of her clutches, and having a meal at Shitty’s Bar and Grill. After getting dysentery, you’ll read on their menu that a job at the restaurant in Human Resources has just opened up, but you will collapse on the floor, and be mixed in with the rest of tomorrow’s chili. Your planet is Hormel. It’s a little hot for spicy food.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21)

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Your therapist tells you that you need to find better ways of managing your anger than acting out violently, and so you go to your local pub and drink all of their whiskey with the family grocery money. Finding that you would never dare returning home with nothing, you decide to improve your luck by breaking three mirrors while walking under a ladder in front of a black cat. This means of choices will lead to being crushed by a piano … when you are like 95 or something. Your planet is Liberace. Here’s to good choices.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Your boss tells you that your plan for quality improvement is well thought out, clearly researched and will never work. Devastated, you ask why, to which he replies, “Because you’ll be in charge of it.” In anger, you challenge your boss, and he points out all of the times you’ve fallen for chain mail and lifetime warranties on department store appliances. In a fit of rage you quit your six-figure job, and take a role as a hole-puncher at a local doughnut shop. Your planet is the Bear Claw. Stay away from the sprinkles.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) You’ll get funny looks from your mother at your father’s wake this week when you tell the priest it’s “a good place to meet chicks.” No one will find your stories about being naked in the 60s amusing as you try to demonstrate Woodstock and hallucinogens to friends and family. Later, you’ll blame it on being grief stricken, but no one will believe you because you were born in 1978, and everyone knows you are full of shit. Your planet is California. Peace motherfucker.

Continued on next page

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Pisces (February 19-March 20) You’ll argue with your hair stylist this week that gold lamé is an actual color. It won’t be long before you learn a valuable lesson that it’s never a good idea to argue with someone holding scissors who reports being traumatized by her time in Las Vegas (although she doesn’t say exactly what traumatized her). Thankfully, after this minor tiff, you’ll find she lets you walk out the door without a sharp object in your back. However, you will leave looking like Curly from the Three Stooges because of your poor fashion taste and stubborn attitude. Your planet is the Bellagio. You live on the proverbial edge of what the rest of us call bad taste. Go smell your own farts, baldy.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

July 21, 2016

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You’ll type amen on every piece of religious garbage in social media this week in the fear of getting a terminal illness or dying. Feeling you and J-Dog are on the same page, you’ll make reckless and life threatening decisions and find yourself on the ethereal plane after playing chicken with a garbage truck. It turns out the Hindus got it right, and you’ll be reincarnated as a ball gagged gimp in a sex circus. Your planet is Xanthar, your color is black. Like if you agree, share if you have a soul, type Amen if you’re tired of seeing this shit.

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You will soon take a job as a police officer and will surprisingly be promoted to detective within a week, after half the department is wiped out in a sudden Internet virus that mutates into a biohazard following a “type amen” campaign. You’ll scan the underground newspapers for clues into planned crimes, and create a fake email address to apply for a job with the Gam-Gam bandit in the hopes of a big bust. Turns out the classified was a joke, and you’re really just a fucking idiot with gun. Your planet is ‘Merica, your color is egg yolk yellow. You have the right to have your bigoted ass plastered all over the Interwebs.

Gemini (May 21-June21) Everyone will take a cue from your example this week and you’ll start sharing pictures of your egg salad sandwiches from your phone with everyone at work. You interrupt everyone’s conversations about their children to bask in the importance of your mad egg skills, and start to get a little choked up at the fact you enjoy the smell of your own farts.

Eventually, alone in the break room, you think about everything in this world that has shells like eggs, turtles, and … nuts. Your planet is Psychopolis, your color is green. Take a big whiff Captain Pretentious.

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July 21, 2016

Tales from a Padded Room with a View

By Griffen Trebuchet

too much money’ could afford. (How about you save the money and give us a bonus that isn’t a free beer and lap dance at Miss Kitty’s Titty Twister on State St.? We’re I can’t blame it all on THE PAPER, because I’ve been seeing a therapist since I was all sick of Sandpaper Sally and her IBS side effects.) Anyway, upon opening the digicourt ordered to do so, but maybe I will anyway. The worst part about having a govtal survey, I knew I was screwed. The first question was, “What’s one thing your ernmentally-appointed therapist is that some crap doctor who didn’t get the grades manager could do to make the workplace environment more enjoyable.” I either lie for a well-paying shrink job is doing everything they can to analyze the dumb shit and say she’s perfect, or give myself away and say, “Lighten up on boning the lunch that comes out of your mouth. I say a lot of stupid stuff because of ‘freedom of delivery guys and stop filling our office with pot smoke.” The latter is a doublespeech’ or whatever. It doesn’t mean that I was anally-neglected as a child. Maybe edged katana because if she gets in trouble, I lose a client.

YOU, Walgreens on-call rent-a-therapist, have a deep-seated need to be surrounded Then, when they ask, “Is your current salary livable?” I don’t know how to not incriminate by people with anal issues. Now the sofa has turned, asshole. myself when I respond, “You pay me nothing but gassy lap dances and that’s only if we So there are plenty of reasons to blame this damn intern job for my problems, like sell enough ad-space.” I could go on and share the other questions that I will refuse to this dumb shit that happened at work today. answer honestly in fear of losing my “job,” but the moral of the story is: Stop letting corThe mysterious powers that own THE PAPER decided to send out a mandatory porate fucknuts sell you surveys and “consulting” to help your company, because it just ‘happiness survey’ to gauge how content employees were. They hired some third leads to more fake tan suits at your office spitting out recycled shit they got from some party fuck-fucks to deliver the most ‘efficient’ and ‘anonymous’ surveys that ‘way Zig Zigler porno anyone with a brain can see through better than Sally’s fart clouds.

Straight Outta Blackhawk Island: (Bad) Advice from LuAnnaBelle Lee Editor’s Note: This advice is meant only for the person that it is specifically We’re getting out of Rockford and going on family vacation,and can’t find anyplace to board our pets. directed to, and even then should be taken at your own risk .

What do we do?

I Think I Saw a Puddy Tat

Dear Too Lazy to Take Your Pet:

Dear AnnaBelle, I’ve been battling stomach pain for months, and my children think it might be Krohn’s disease. With the complications presented by the disorder, I’m afraid I might have to get rid of my beloved birds.

Dear Tweety’s Bitch: You don’t have Krohn’s, you have bird flu. Stop sitting indoors pretending your home is an aviary, and get out into the sun for a change. And by the way, things taste better when it doesn’t always smell like bird shit.

Pet Police Dear Ann L.:

.

What Fido and Mr. Biscuit need is a chance to play Hunger Games in your absence and shit all over the house, so you can return to that poor lazy people smell you’ve looked for in the incense aisle at Wal-Mart. I also suggest you take up smoking again, to add that hint of “but can still afford cigarettes” smell to your home.

Thanks to all my readers. I look forward to your questions. Until next time, I’ll be playing Richard Gere with my pet hamster.

Send your questions to: LuAnnaBelle Lee, P.O. Box 2108, Loves Park, IL 61130.

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THE PAPER

July 21, 2016

Event Calendar (or Beers, Bikes, Bars, Bowling, BBQs, Billiards & Benefits) In support of the Rockford/Stateline Area, this Community Calendar shows events for adults and/or charitable events those in the music scene, which are on Page 18. Submit events for consideration by emailing ThePaper@gmx.com or calling 815-721-1507.

We include as many applicable events as space allows. The deadline to have your event considered for the next issue is July 18.

Date

Events

Fri. HCC Realty Market @ 1240 S. Alpine Rockford 9am-1pm; 2016 BMX Midwest Nationals @ Searles Park in Rockford 11am; July 22 Rockford City Market @ Market St. & Water St. 3-8pm; Winnebago Farmers Market @ Main & Benton 3:30-7pm; Championship Cup Series @ Blackhawk Farms Raceway South Beloit 5pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford Sat. Beloit Farmers Market @ State St. & Grand Ave. 8am-1pm; Belvidere Farmers Market @ 1940 N. State St. 9am-12:30pm; Byron Farmers Village “Main July 23 Market @ Sunshine Park 8am-12pm; 2016 Midwest Dodge Charger Show @ Boone County Fairgrounds 8am-5pm; Midway th

Street Market” @ Midway Village Rockford 9am-4pm; Pecatonica Farmers Market @ Downtown Pecatonica 8-11am; 12 Annual Cars on Main @ 400 Block of Main St. Pecatonica 9am-3pm; North End City Market @ corner of N. Main & Auburn St. 9am-1pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford; Car Chix Ladies Only Drag Race & Drag Racing for Life Breast Cancer Fundraiser@ Byron Dragway Gates open at 9am; Rockford Rivets vs Green Bay Bullfrogs @ Rockford Stadium 6:35pm; Championship Cup Series @ Blackhawk Farms Raceway South Beloit; Gilley’s Heating and Cooling Night- SP & AST “Gilley’s Double Features” plus LM, RR and Forward/Backward Race @ Rockford Speedway 7pm; Magic Mike Live Tour @ Clock Tower Resort 8pm; The Last Absurd Fun’d Fare @ Kryptonite Bar Rockford 2pm; Murder Mystery Night: Murder at the Speakeasy @ Tinker Swiss Cottage Museum & Gardens Rockford 6-8pm; Haunted Rockford Lamplight Tour @ Greenwood Cemetery Auburn St. Rockford 7-8:30pm

; Brianna’s Birthday/Graduation Party in Rockford 2pm-?

th Sun. Rockford Midtown Farmers Market @ 502 7 St. 10am-2pm; Championship Cup Series @ Blackhawk Farms Raceway South Beloit; RockJuly 24 ford Rivets vs Green Bay Bullfrogs @ Rockford Stadium 5:05pm; Christmas Eve in July @ Magic Waters Rockford 10am-6pm

Mon. Pints for Pups @The Olympic Tavern 4pm; Free Try Our Shitty Meal Night @ Shitty’s Grill in Rockford 2am-4am; DouJuly 25 ble Titty Smacker Night @ Miss Kitty;s Titty Twister Gentleman’s Club 6pm-midnight.

Tues. SCCA Track Night in America @ Blackhawk Farms Raceway South Beloit; Rockford Rivets vs Wisconsin Woodchucks @ Rockford StadiJuly 26 um 6:35pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge in. Rockford; Open Stage Night @ Mary’s Place Rockford starts at 9:30pm; Mustang’s Bike Night @ Mustang’s Bar & Grill South Beloit 6-10pm

Wed. National Scotch Day @ American Legion; Edgebrook Farmers Market @ Alpine & Highcrest Rockford 9am -1pm; Rockton River Market @ July 27 Settler’s Park 4-8pm; Motovid @ Blackhawk Farms Raceway South Beloit; Rockford Rivets vs Wisconsin Woodchucks @ Rockford Stadium 6:35pm; American Motors Cruise Night @ Hooter’s 6904 Argus Dr. Rockford 5-9pm; Cards Against Humanity @ Town Hall in Loves Park 68pm; Wild Wednesdays @ Rockford Speedway 7:27pm: Chill Pill Comedy @ Kryptonite Bar in Rockford 8pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford; 2016 American Motors Owners (AMO) International Convention @ Rockford Holiday Inn

nd Thurs. Edgebrook Farmers Market @ Alpine & Highcrest Rockford 3-6:30pm; Machesney Park GPS Farmers Market @ 10714 N. 2 St. 3-7pm; Party Trivia @Bushell & Peck’s Local Market in Beloit 7-9pm; Open Stage Night @ Mary’s Place Rockford starts at 9:30pm; 2016 July 28 Smarty American Motors Owners (AMO) International Convention @ Rockford Holiday Inn

HCC Realty Market @ 1240 S. Alpine Rockford 9am-1pm; Rockford City Market @ Market St. & Water St. 3-8pm; Winnebago Farmers MarFri. @ Main & Benton 3:30-7pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford; 2016 American Motors Owners (AMO) International ConJuly 29 ket vention @ Rockford Holiday Inn; Farewell Dance Party @ Kryptonite 9pm; 49th Annual Village Fair Days @ New Milford 10am-10pm; Linda Bunting;s 60th Birthday Party @ Monkey Business starts at 3pm.

Sat. River District Historical Bike Tour @ City Hall 8am; 4th Annual Rock River Off-Season Robotics Competition @ Rock Valley College PE 9am-5pm; Beloit Farmers Market @ State St. & Grand Ave. 8am-1pm; 2016 American Motors Owners (AMO) International ConvenJuly 30 Center tion @ Rockford Holiday Inn; Belvidere Farmers Market @ 1940 N. State St. 9am-12:30pm; Byron Farmers Market @ Sunshine Park 8am-

12pm; North End City Market @ corner of N. Main & Auburn St. 9am-1pm; Midway Village “Main Street Market” @ Midway Village Rockford 9am-4pm; Pecatonica Farmers Market @ Downtown Pecatonica 8-11am; Rockford Vintage Market @ Downtown Rockford at Water & Market St. 9am-3pm; 49th Annual Village Fair Days @ New Milford 10am-10pm; 2nd Annual Rock River Craft Beer Bash @ The Rock Bar & Grill Beloit 1-5pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge; Midwestern Council/Salt Creek Sports Car Club @ Blackhawk Farms Raceway South Beloit; $5 Fan Appreciation Night Sp, AST, RR, American SC plus Hare and the Hound Race @ Rockford Speedway 7pm; Country Dance Party @ Dusty Boots Saloon Rockford; Annual Poker Run @ 2 Wheel Inn Sign up Noon – 1pm; Tour De North End @ Norhwest Rockford

Market @ 502 7th St. 10am-2pm; Midwestern Council/Salt Creek Sports Car Club @ Blackhawk Farms Sun. 31 Rockford Midtown Farmers th July 31 Raceway South Beloit; 16 Annual Car Show @ CarTunes Grill & Bar Beloit 9am-4pm; Cook Out & Pocono Race Party @ Rockview Tap Rockford 12pm; Comedy Night with Dave Wait@ Waterfall in Belvidere 8pm; SM & SF 3rd Annual Car Show @ SM & SF Club on Sandy Hollow Road 11am—3pm

Mon. Aug 1

Rockford Rivets vs Madison Mallards @ Rockford Stadium 6:35pm; Pints for Pups @The Olympic Tavern 4pm; BMW Car Club of America Badger Bimmers @ Blackhawk Farms Raceway South Beloit ; Barb’s Birthday @ her house in Beloit; Regional Handjob Night @ everywhere

Tues.

Aug 2

Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford; Open Stage Night @ Mary’s Place Rockford starts at 9:30pm; Put Voodoo Bone Chimes in

Wed. Aug 3

Edgebrook Farmers Market @ Alpine & Highcrest Rockford 9am-1pm; Rockton River Market @ Settler’s Park 4-8pm; Cards Against Humanity @ Town Hall in Loves Park 6-8; Wild Wednesdays @ Rockford Speedway 7:27pm: Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge in Rockford

your trees day @ everywhere in the Stateline area

nd Thurs. Rockford Rivets vs Wisconsin Rapids Rafters @ Rockford Stadium 6:35pm; Machesney Park GPS Farmers Market @10714 N. 2 St. 3Open Stage Night @ Mary’s Place Rockford starts at 9:30pm; 1st Annual Carpenters Local 792 Golf, Grill, and Guitars Event @ Aug 4 7pm; Sinnissippi Golf Course 3:30-11pm

Fri. Aug 5

HCC Realty Market @ 1240 S. Alpine Rockford 9am-1pm; Rockford City Market @ Market St. & Water St. 3-8pm; Winnebago Farmers Market @ Main & Benton 3:30-7pm; Rockford Rivets vs Wisconsin Rapids Rafters @ Rockford Stadium 6:35pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford; Festa Italiana @ Boylan High School 5-11pm; Friday Night Frenzy and Market on the Square @ Downtown Durand ;

American Legion Post 1207 Steak Fry and Camping @ Camp Hillcrest 6-9pm Sat. Aug 6

12th Annual Cruisin 4 A Cure (to benefit 4yr. old Jayce) @ Durand Eagles #3851 Durand Breakfast at 7am & Poker Run; Mud Volleyball Tournament @ Riverside Park Roscoe starts at 8:30am; Beloit Farmers Market @ State St. & Grand Ave. 8am-1pm; Belvidere Farmers Market @ 1940 N. State St. 9am-12:30pm; Byron Farmers Market @ Sunshine Park 8am-12pm; Midway Village “Main Street Market” @ Midway Village Rockford 9am-4pm; Pecatonica Farmers Market @ Downtown Pecatonica 8-11am; North End City Market @ corner of N. Main & Auburn St. 9am-1pm; American Legion Post 1207 Corn Boil @ Camp Hillcrest 11am-5pm; Festa Italiana @ Boylan High School 12-11pm; Celebration of Life in honor of Jerry M. Fink @ Mike’s Roadhouse Beloit 1-6pm; Rockford Rivets vs Green Bay Bullfrogs @ Rockford Stadium 6:35pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford; Championship Enduro Series Dart Racing @ Blackhawk Farms Raceway South Beloit; Kar Korner World Famous Figure 8 Trailer Race- LM, SP, AST, RR and Toll Booth Race @ Rockford Speedway 7pm; Diva’s & Don’s Charity Bowl @ Wild Wild Westmor Lanes 6-10pm; Shuffleboard Tournament @ Vic & Jim’s Lounge 7pm

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THE PAPER

July 21, 2016

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THE PAPER

July 21, 2016

Support Your Local Music Scene VENUE

DATE

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

July 22

Hank & Cupcakes

Kryptonite in Rockford

July 22 at 9pm

Paper Airplane

Gene’s Place in Rockford

July 22 7-11pm

H!p Pocket

Mary’s Market in Rockford

July 22 at 6:30pm

Pistol Pete

Mary’s Place in Rockford

July 22 at 9:30pm

Soul Review (formerly known as Eighteen 11)

Wild Wild Westmor Lanes in Rockford

July 23

Dead Mans Hand

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

July 23

Rebel Soul

Rock-A-Bago Hall in Rockford

July 23

Whoa Nellie

Town Hall in Loves Park

July 23

The Claudettes w/ JF Gaziano & Michael Whyte

Mary’s Place in Rockford

July 23

Amperage

New Kishwaukee Tap

July 23 at 9pm

Jaik Willis

Pig Minds Brewing Co. in Machesney Park

July 23 at 7pm

The Totally 80s

Splitter’s Bar & Grill in Loves Park

July 23

Can’t Touch This

Neighbors Bar & Grill in Loves Park

July 23

Midnite Run

Backstop Bar and Grill in Belvidere

July 23

Brass Buckle Band

Dusty Boots in Rockford

July 23

Amperage

New Kishwaukee Tap in Rockford

July 23

Catfish Bernie Meise/Paul Bronson/Mike LaBay

Mustangs in South Beloit

July 24

David Hayes

Prairie Street Brewhouse in Rockfford

July 25

Iron Cross

Mustangs in South Beloit

July 26

American Aquarium/Andrew Robinson

Anderson Japanese Gardens in Rockford

July 26 at 5:45pm

Courtney Davies and Southern Charm

Settler’s Park in Rockton

July 27 at 6pm

The Lone Canary

Nicholas Conservatory in Rockford

July 27 at 6pm

Harlan Jefferson

Giovanni’s/Alchemy/Big Al’s in Rockford

July 27 at 6pm

Mason Rivers Country Band

Sinnissippi Park in Rockford

July 28 7-8:30pm

Unity the Band/Raggae Horns

Prairie Street Brewhouse in Rockford

July 28

Derek Luttrell

Rural on Tap in Rockford

July 28 8-11pm

Sons of Sam

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

July 29

Jimmy Z

Rock-A-Bago Hall in Rockford

July 29

Amperage

Mike’s Roadhouse in Beloit

July 29

Between Planes

Mary’s Market in Rockford

July 29

Rollin’ Wiskey

Neighbors Bar & Grill in Loves Park

July 29

The Totally 80s

Splitter’s Bar & Grill in Loves Park

July 29

Loves Park/Go Go Slow

Mary’s Place in Rockford

July 29

Rockin Horse

Rock-A-Bago Hall in Rockford

July 30

Stone Free

2 Wheel in Rockford

July 30

Courtney Davies Sothern Chamr

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

July 30

Miles Nielson & the Rusted Hearts

Kryptonite in Rockford

July 309

Gary the Band

Thirsty Badger in Beloit

July 30

Shooter

Backstop Bar and Grill in Belvidere

July 30

Ultrea/Apathy Syndrome/On My Six/Faith In Vain

Cronies in Machesney Park

July 30

Shifty Shafer

Neighbors Bar & Grill in Loves Park

July 30

Rob Tamaro & Lucky 7

Rascals Bar & Grill in Loves Park

July 30

Hackensaw Boys/Mark Rose

Anderson Japanese Gardens in Rockford

August 2 5pm

Romantic Rebel/Smile Empty Soul/Shallow Side/Everyday Losers

District Bar & Grill in Rockford

August 3 7pm

Dueling Pianos

Prairie Street Brewhouse in Rockford

August 4

American English Beatles Tribute

Sinnissippi Park in Rockford

August 4 7-8:30pm

Shifty Shafer

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

August 5

Over the Limit

Mike’s Roadhouse in Beloit

August 5

Jamie Campbell & the Redneck Romeos

Onyx Bar and Grill in Machesney Park

August 5

The Lone Canary

Neighbors Bar & Grill in Loves Park

August 5

Lost Karma

Rock-A-Bago hall in Rockford

August 6

Roadhouse Ramblers

Town Hall in Loves Park

August 6

Black Damage

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

August 6

Rat Baxter

American Legion in Belvidere

August 6 at 2pm

Frank & Co./Allen’s Grove Band/Party at the Moontower Chicago/ Pistol Pete/Zammis/Over the Limit

The Rock Bar & Grill in Beloit

August 6 10am-10pm

Collins Grayless Band

Thirsty Badger in Beloit

August 6

Andrew Robinson

Pig Minds Brewing Co in Machesney Park

August 6

Rollin’ Whiskey

Second Cousins in Loves Park

August 6

Crunchy Frogs

Rascals Bar & Grill in Loves Park

August 6

SPREAD THE WORD — SHARE YOUR MUSIC EVENTS WITH OUR READERS

Epic Electric

THE PAPER is dedicated to supporting the Rockford Area/Stateline music scene, and most of our audience is too. As such, we will list applicable music events in the area free of charge. Just notify us of the band/event, where it is taking place and when, and we will include it in this listing. You can reach our editor by email at thepaper@gmx.com or call 815-721-1507 and share the information. The next deadline for submission is August 1 for the August 21 issue of THE PAPER.

BAND/MUSIC EVENT

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THE PAPER

July 21, 2016

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THE PAPER

July 21, 2016