THE PAPER July 7, 2016 (Rockford, IL/Stateline Area)

Volume 19, Number 14

Always free, but don’t you think you should probably pay us anyway?

Like Us On The Rockford Area’s ONLY Underground Newspaper for Adults Serving the Stateline Area since 1998 Distributed at 200 locations in Illinois and Wisconsin

July 7, 2016

at Facebook.com/TheStatelinePaper/ Table of Contents Letter from the Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 2 Advice Column . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 4 Comics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Cullen’s Corner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 8 Horoscopes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 10 Padded Room . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 13 Jokes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 14 Classifieds. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 15 7 Bs Event Calendar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 16 The Music Scene . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 18

Do Your Damn Jobs

Last week newspapers around the state of Illinois  banded together to send a simple message to the Illinois Governor, House of Representatives and Senate: We’ve had enough of your bullshit. Do your damn jobs or get the Hell out. 

cry, and THE PAPER, more out of common sense than political stance, is adding its voice, albeit small, to the cause. We, as Illinoisans are tired of being held hostage by political bickering and Illinois’ people cannot be held hostage for a bullshit, and our elected officials should, God forbid, work together. Normal people can’t just sit second year without a budget. around with their thumbs up their asses and neiVoters must revolt and demand better. ther should our state government.

Enough.

Subsequently, but probably not consequently, the Redistricting reform is a critical piece of restoring true political competitiveness that will lead to legislators facing more accountability to the voters they represent.

The gist of the position taken by various editorial boards around the state was this:   Many long-term changes are needed to restore  Illinois to solid ground.

Several local papers added their voices to the rally

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local law enforcement caught wind of like that. It was hard to tell where the testicles stopped Fools in the News enhancement, the event after a fight broke out between two intoxi- and the fly began. People should be more careful with

Dumbasses in Headlines around the World cated curlers and closed it immediately. “I think the alcohol and fireworks.” cops went too far shutting down Frank’s place,” Snubbed Smelly Store Worker opined Sam Herman, runner-up in the ‘Chug and Gives Supervisor ‘Cold Shoulder’ Run.’ “Hardly anyone got hurt that didn’t take part in Tim Teperman of Greenview, Arizona, was arrested the ‘Slip And Slide Joust’ and the money was going to Sunday night after locking his grocery store co- a couple of needy causes.” worker in a walk-in freezer.

Owner Frank Celestino vowed to sue the city and reStore Manager Lisa Burton said, “Tim was jealous that I gave Rico a promotion as head stockroom supervisor last quarter and I think that’s why he did it. Tim was here seven years to Rico’s one, so he thought he deserved the promotion, but he’s just not as efficient ... and he doesn’t wear deodorant.”

After passing hypothermia protocol and sipping on hot chocolate, Rico stated, “I always liked Tim, and was nice to him. I was the only one that didn’t make fun of his smell to his face. I was very surprised by his decision to freeze me.”

Greenview Grocery is currently accepting applications for stockroom positions.

Breast Enhancement Fundraiser Fails on an ‘Olympic Level’

Ball Busting Pops Popped for Popping Son in Failed Revenge Scheme

An elderly man from Jonesburg, Guyana., was left in critical condition after being attacked by two parrots open his bar as soon as possible. “The citizens of Belouthe under his guard for 20 years. above the legal drinking age had more fun at our event Though friends and neighbors say the parrots were genthan they ever had in our city,” pleaded Frank. “I won’t tle and non-violent, it’s believed the birds attacked the stop fighting the city until my bar can open again or man because he forgot to feed them. Left blind in his they pay for my wife’s surgery - it’s as simple as that.” right eye and with massive beak wounds , the man was too emotionally distraught to comment. One attacker was quoted saying, “Charlie loves a mallow. I love Kool‘I Should Have Paid More Attention’ aid?” Both birds are being kept under house arrest in Says ‘Man’ in High-Pitched Voice their shared cage until a hearing later this month.

A man from Mabalzitch, Wis., blew off a portion of his genitalia Monday night after accidentally igniting a box O’er the Walmart We Watched in of fireworks beneath him. the Twilight’s Last Gleaming ...

The intoxicated amateur pyro flicked his cigarette beA Walmart in Phoenix, Ariz., was evacuated when tween his legs without realizing the ‘DRK Skull’ pack someone set fire to fireworks on display just before was so close to his penis. “We saw a flash of light, heard a Independence Day. loud bang and then felt bits of taint skin hit our face,” recalled a neighbor of the victim. “It definitely brought Two men and a woman seen on security video in the area are being sought by police in connection. the party down.”

A bar in Belouthe, Wisconsin, was shut down indefinitely after hosting the first annual “Drunk Olym- The now-memberless man, that asked to remain unidentified, was rushed to the hospital with a an ice pack on pics” last Friday. what little was left of his manhood. A nurse on duty While the event was well-attended and donated a shared, “I’ve never seen a melted zipper attached to skin portion of the proceeds to the bar owner’s wife’s breast

The fire department evacuated the store and took extra precaution because Walmart management chose to put the fireworks near a display of charcoal, lighter fluid and propane.

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Ramblings from the Editor

THE PAPER

I’m going to share an experience I went through that forever changed the lives of my family and I. I’m doing so not because I want your sympathy or really even want you to know, but rather in hope that it may make a difference.

So please take a moment to read this.

At nearly three times the legal drinking limit, the prick ran the stop sign where my son was turning. Police tell me he didn’t even hit the brakes. Instead, he plowed his truck directly into the driver’s side of Aron’s SUV.

Six years ago my oldest son Aron, who was just 18 at the time, was driving a seldom traveled highway. It was about 9p.m. on a Tuesday night.

As he was making a left turn, a jackass by the name of Mark V. Porter did the unthinkable.

So please call a friend or taxi if you’ve had too much to drink. Hell, there are two cab companies advertising in this issue of THE PAPER alone.!

Porter had been thrown out of a bar just down the way for being belligerent, so I’m told. And he got behind the wheel of his truck and sped off in a huff (they tell me he was doing almost 90 mph).

Sincerely,

No one is sure how long my son lay Summer’s upon us, and it’s a time we there, or if he cried out or was in setypically enjoy barbecues, parties and vere pain, but eventually he was fun in the sun before the sinister days found and airlifted to a trauma cenof below freezing temperatures return ter. Porter left with minor injuries. to haunt us. Like you, I enjoy good The bastard served 4 years of a 12friends, interesting events and cele- year prison sentence, and my son is brating with a nip of whiskey or an ice still serving a life sentence in a facilcold brew. By all means, we should ity for brain-damaged youths, parenjoy life. However, it can go too far. tially paralyzed and unable to talk.

As always, I look forward to your feedback.

Kevin Cole Editor & Publisher ThePaper@gmx.com

July 7, 2016

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Quotes to Make You Think “This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.”

- W.C. Fields “I don't hate people. I just feel better when they aren't around.”

July 7, 2016

Well Deserved Shout Outs: Power to the People Other than our readers and our advertisers, who you should support because they make this publication possible, there are a few folks that I want to give shout outs to.

First is my business partner Denny Ray who has a tough exterior, a kind soul and always makes me laugh, even when I can’t smile.

Next is Dale, who has been making sure THE PAPER gets to its destination every other week for years now. He is good people.

- Charles Bukowski

I want to give a shout out to Tyler, owner of Rockford Billiard Café, for inviting us to celebrate the opening of the newly remodeled banquet room at his establishment. We had a great time (and always do when we are there).

“You can always count on the United States to do the right thing, once it has exhausted the alternatives.”

I also want to thank all of my friends, new or old, that turned out at my party and shared their time, joy, thoughts and spirit with me. I had a great time, and I hope a good time was had by all.

- Winston Churchill “Waterfall, don’t ever change your ways. Fall with me for a million days.

Oh, my waterfall.”

- Jimi Hendrix “The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.”

- Mark Twain

I also want to give a congratulations to Reid, who I met at Brew Haus, which is a gem of a bar, for graduating from Loyola. Wow, what an accomplishment. I urge you all to check out the establishment that I have found hospitable and well cared for with great music and excellent food delivered right to your barstool from the Mexican restaurant next door.

I also want to give a shout out to Vic & Jim’s for the great time we had at the shuffleboard tournament in June. My team even came in second place (who would believe it). We will be sure to be back for the next one coming up this month.

Lastly I want to thank Steve Alexander, who I never had the opportunity to meet, but whose hard work and dedication helped keep this publication alive for many years. Wherever you are, I hope I do justice to your work here at THE PAPER.

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July 7, 2016

Straight Outta Blackhawk Island: (Bad) Advice from LuAnnaBelle Lee (Baby Mama Special) Editor’s Note: This advice is meant only for the person that it is specifically The Marrying Type directed to, and even then should be taken at your own risk .

Dear Anna Belle: I’m pretty sure it’s time to ask the mother of my children for her hand in marriage. She’s Dear Ann L., been my housemate for 11 years and we have three kids together. I’m just nervous I’ve been looking through various online dating sites, and I found my baby’s mom listed on one of them. She’s looking totally hot! I’m think- she’ll say no. You got any advice? ing of sending her a poke to get her attention, and asking her to go out Dear Captain Phat Pad: some time.

Tonight, when you ‘re smoking weed and playing video games, wait until Dear Duck Faces for Dick: she’s about to go to bed, and say, “You have this month’s half of the rent?

I’m guessing you haven’t figured out that sending her a “poke” is how Oh, and by the way, were like common law married now so we need to go to the courthouse and make it official soon.” Problem solved. Next… you ended up with a baby in the first place. Tell that monkey-faced

Tinder Box

cock gobbler to tuck in her lips and snapshot herself some class. And furthermore, send her a damn child support check before asking if she Only Nineteen wants something from you again.

Dear Annabelle,

Pregnant Political Junkie Dear AnnaBell: I'm pregnant with my boyfriend's baby, but he's married and says that the divorce papers are taking forever to draw up online.We last talked two months ago. Will he ever leave her for me?

Dear Desperate for Love:

I think my baby’s mama is lying about being schizophrenic. She gets mad at me, and says really awful things, but then claims it was the “voices” and not her. How do I confront her about this lie?

Dear Nineteen with No Standards: I’m guessing this bitch was on her phone checking her Twitter account while you were conceiving your child. Next time the voices tell her to hit you, climb inside her head, and beat those motherfuckers whispering to her with a lead pipe.

No. That’s what you get when you fuck an Illinois politician, particuThanks to all my readers. I look forward to your questions. Until next larly a billionaire tea bagging prick named Bruce that you met at the county fair. These motherfuckers will never send you any mon- time, I’ll be snorting lines off the ladies’ room floor. ey to care for the child either. They don’t even know how to balance a budget.

Send your questions to: LuAnnaBelle Lee, P.O. Box 2108,

Loves Park, IL 61130.

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July 7, 2016

WTF? Clubs: Clean Your Drink Lines

By Hammy G. I like beer. That’s just a fact. While I will drink it from a can, bottle, mason jar or cup, I prefer a nice, ice cold beer off of the tap in a frosty mug. Very few things beat the way that little ice crystals form and dance on the surface when the beer hits the cold glass… However, nothing is more disappointing than taking the first drink of a cold beer, expecting that “ahhh…” moment, and instead getting a mouthful of some shitty tasting, stale-ass beer that tastes like it was poured through a dead man’s asshole.

That, my friends, is caused by failure to properly maintain the lines. Because brewing involves the use of yeast , there are small amounts left in it when kegged that can build up (white/gray sludge). Beer may also be exposed to mold from the air (think of the lines, taps, couplers, etc. as grow zones). Additionally the ingredients in beer can calcify into what is called “Beer Stone” and flake off into your drink. Lastly, bacteria are everywhere, and when they get into beer lines, they may not be overly dangerous, but they can kill the great taste we love. That is why beer lines must be cleaned regularly.

Experts say beer lines should be cleaned every two weeks to insure there are no problems with the taste. They say at the very minimum every six weeks. So, if you happen to manage or own a bar, please, please, please make sure your beer lines are getting cleaned regularly. If you need assistance, there are two companies that advertise in THE PAPER— Parnello’s Beer Line Service and Cooper’s Beverage Service—that are both run by great people with plenty of experience and work at very reasonable prices that can help.

However, before I stop ranting, I want to point out that if you are running soda, juice or wine (yeah, that’s gotta be some great wine) off of the tap, then those lines need regular service as well.

The experts say that these lines should be cleaned at least quarterly or they will get “scummy.” Sounds appetizing eh? When I order a Bacardi and cola it would be nice if it didn’t taste like it had been filtered through an old shoe.

And if you have a drink someplace and its obvious they aren’t cleaning the lines, say something. And if they don’t fix it, vote with your dollars and find someplace that gives a shit.

Advertising in THE PAPER Really Works!

If you are looking for an inexpensive and easy way to reach THOUSANDS of adults in the Rockford/Stateline Area, look no further. Our readers can’t wait for the next issue!

Contact Kevin at THE PAPER (815) 721-1507 or ThePaper@GMXcom

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July 7, 2016

Cullen’s Corner: If the World Should End in Fire ...

By Cullen Kilpatrick

this story as if life in my youth were a farmer’s tale in the depression. I guess “It’s become apparent to me that the rise in mental health problems seems that is the benefit of being older. I took to the basement to do some house to coincide with the rise in technology,” I said to my wife sipping on a cup of cleaning, opened the door to the storage room, closed it, sighed, and then recommitted to the act of throwing things away. After all, with age and socoffee. I think I might actually be a little smarter when I stop drinking for a briety comes inventory. while, and allow thoughts to cement in my mind. “I really don’t think that I can prove it, but I believe that I might be on to something.” I sip at my coffee I soon considered the possibility of a reality show. Maybe I could continue again, and lean back in my chair. drinking beer, eat like shit and accumulate more and more. I could push for a half a ton, and keep everything coming my way. By 50, I could retire on a “You need to get out of the house and do something else today,” she said, chopping vegetables on the counter, angry that it has only been one day of TLC show called the “Thousand Pound Agoraphobic Hoarder.” These were sobriety, and already I’m talking like a college professor. “Seriously, you can nice thoughts as I went through several boxes of my parents’ crap daydreaming of PBR and cheeseburgers. I asked myself out loud, “Why do I go fuck yourself with your own dick right now” and that, my dear reader is have to clean up my parents’ mess, and who the hell am I cleaning it for anythe sound of love, “I can’t believe you pissed on the Rosemary plant right way?” after I caught you giving the plastic owl a cigarette last night! “ I decided to take off on my bike, and ride to my old college campus. Being about 50 pounds overweight, I wheezed the three mile leg to the campus, and had to park the damn thing at a light post because of ongoing construction.

Once I arrived, I noticed the place littered with beautiful young women with whom I no longer shared mutual life experience. I strolled past the long reflective windows that covered the college center, and felt like a ghost with my barrel frame and graying hair reminding me that I was no longer in my 20s.

Nostalgia strangles the heart strings. Trying to recreate old memories merely trumps the new things that come into your life. My wife harps on me about selling all of our old things, but I made different plans staring into the abyss of a storage room.

Reassured that my college days were long behind me, I wheezed back the now 12 miles home, all uphill, in a foot of snow. Even in July, I have to tell

back yard, was a sight unseen at my house in years of drinking and laziness.

There would be a fire.

Box by box I heaved my old life into the lawn, my wife shaking her head quizzically as the thud of her knife cleaved away at undeserving carrots and “It’s so easy to make fun of others, but not myself,” I thought, feeling I might radishes. My wife screamed, “What the hell are you doing?” be suffering from a bit of arrogance. Looking around, I observed the masses I ignored her, and proceeded to pile layer upon layer of useless crap into the of students buried in their telephones, and felt reassured I would go unnobackyard. The pile was majestic. Pictures of relatives locked arms with a sea ticed. Looking at this, it occurred to me that being a narcissistic overweight of half broken furniture and outdated books. I heard Nora Roberts smut novmidlife male was easy in that no one really observed me at all. A fucking ele- els once treasured by my mother sobbing beneath an earthquake of old phant could move like a ghost in this generation. lamps and chintzy bric-a-brac. This salad of treasured garbage, tossed in my

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… End in Fire Continued from Previous Page

… Do Your Jobs Continued From Page 1

Perhaps, I could have dedicated this day to building my children a sandbox, or working on a garden to feed my family like some homesteader ranching in suburban Rockford. Instead, this pile of garbage, a foundation of generations to come, was to be my contribution as I set it in flames and watched it burn gleefully to the ground. “Honey?

Where is the lighter fluid?”

Governor did sign a stopgap budget on June 30, at the 11th hour, that basically funds state programs and colleges for the next six months and funds our public schools for a year. The bill passed the House by a vote of 105 –4 and the Senate 54-0. However, after a year of operating without a budget, the measure is considered by many a day late and a dollar short.

“Again, what the hell are you doing?” My wife stood on the deck shaking her head.

“Were you really planning on burning that in the middle of the afternoon?” Suddenly, my children emerged from the house and started climbing all over the damn thing. This work of art now a safety hazard as my three year old came within inches of broken glass, and my son, crying from a fall, limped whimpering back to the house. My wife stared at me in disapproval. My first day of sober living was sizing up to be total shit.

I left for the garage, sitting in a lawn chair and celebrating a pity party of one, I grabbed a long piece of broken wood and stapled a sign to it that read, “Free Garbage Pile: Five Dollars.” I walked to the front yard and drove the stick into the yard. After all of this work, it was time for a nap, and as I tossed and turned, I longed for a skinnier, more vibrant vision of my youth. It wasn’t long before I was roused by my wife again.

“Honey, there are about 100 people rummaging through the yard and leaving five dollar bills in a jar on the deck.” It was true. Before my eyes the pile, all but evaporated. The furniture, the lamps, the broken picture frames and half scratched CD’s were flying out the back gate in the hands of strangers. As this carried on into the late afternoon, I sipped at coffee and watched as five dollar bill after five dollar bill stacked on the deck. Soon, there was nothing but a pile of pictures and broken glass.

“You need to go clean up the rest of that mess.”

“What are you going to do with the money?” I asked. My wife was now counting out the dollar bills with wider eyes. “Maybe we could pay off some debt?”

“No, I’m going to get some new books, a large mirror and a bookshelf. The department store is having a sale.” She was out the door before I could say another word. As I watched her drive away, I noticed the last of my vodka sitting on the window sill of the kitchen. Silently, I grabbed the swill, walked out to the back yard and poured it all over the last of the pile. The sun was setting again, and I was without a drop of booze.

That’s when I threw the remainder of my cigarettes onto a picture of my grandmother, and lit a match.

Benefit for Suffering Child To Be Held July 16 A benefit for to raise money to help support 3-1/2-year -old Honor Faith is being held on July 16 at Rocky’s Bar & Grill at 5314 N. 2nd St. in Loves Park from noon to 6pm.

Little Honor suffers from a terrible rare disease called Epidermolysis Bullosa, which causes her to have fragile skin that blisters and tears from minor friction or trauma. Daily wound care, pain management and protective bandaging are the only options available for the unfortunate child.

Tickets are only $10 and include food, beer and a raffle.

This marks the FIRST TIME SINCE GOV. RAUNER TOOK OFFICE THAT THE STATE HAS HAD A BUDGET THAT COVERS MOST GOVERNMENT FUNCTIONS! It makes those of us who work for a living wonder what politicians actually do and why are we paying them to do nothing.

And while it looks like Illinois has finally done SOMETHING, in reality what has really happened is them kicking the can down the road a ways, with lawmakers and Rauner supposedly talking about a “Turnaround Agenda” after the November general elections.

House Republican Leader Jim Durkin was reported as saying that the inept politicians we have elected face taxpayer anger like “I’ve never seen in my life.”

Of course he claimed the negotiations were “what adults do,” but that just leaves us wondering if we elected a bunch of pimpled political teenagers that finally came of age right before the Illinois fiscal year ended. Where was this reason, moderation and working together in the first place?

Basically, the deal funds most everything for six months, but leaves the decision on how to actually pay for it until after the election at the end of the year. Yah-fucking-hoo! Most people wish they could do that with their bills, but that’s not “what adults do.”

So, let’s hope the politicians aren’t so busy patting themselves on the back for doing something they were paid to do more than a year ago that they fail to actually address the issues. It’s time that moderation and compromise is taken out of the realm of “dirty words” and becomes the mainstay. Otherwise, we are going to be in the same exact position this time next year and all of the hooting and hollering done by our newspaper media (yours truly included) will be just lip service. And while the world pretty much loves “lip service,” that kind isn’t what is on our minds. So, please don’t accept this crap as business as usual, and instead let your elected officials know that we aren't going to put up with it again.

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AMAZING Horoscopes from the Great Madame Bovine Cancer (June 22-July 22) After using the community Yoga mats at “Lucy Makes You Stretch and Sweat” BBQ and spa, you develop a yeast infection on your left cheek that resembles the Virgin Mary. Swarmed by the media, and speculation that you may be the dirty stigmata, you set up an interview with all the local media outlets. Embarrassed and terrified that the attention will suddenly disappear, you rub bacon grease on your wrists in a fit of sacrilege. Your planet shaped fruit is the Kidney Bean. Everyone knows about your deviant Chakras, bitch.

Leo (July 23-August 22) You sport shoes that separate out your toes at the gym this week hoping to distract away from the fact that your muscles look like swelling from an allergic reaction, and your gonads are a shriveled remnant of their former selves. As you continue lifting in an attempt to break the record for “person who most looks like a spray tanned cumulus cloud,” you feel something rupture. In the ambulance, you finally realize this really has been all for nothing. Your planet shaped fruit is a tomato, and that scent you are wearing smells like athlete’s foot.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) You’ll accept an anonymous Craigslist invitation to a Game of Thrones live action role play, (or LARPing as it were) only to find yourself at a sausage fest. You’ll stand around for a couple of hours while the players finish up the brothel orgy scene before realizing you are the only one in armor, carrying a foam rubber sword. Suddenly, you’ll notice red and blue flashing lights, and everyone will run into the woods screaming “DRAGON! RUN!” while you’re left stranded to explain what the hell is going on. Your planet shaped fruit is a cantaloupe. Winter may be coming, but so is your court date.

Libra (September 23-October 23) You forego your therapy appointment with your psychiatrist this week after a smattering of gifted adult coloring books winds up in your possession. Who needs meds anyway? After coloring, you start having flashbacks and your lotus flowers turn in to something that resembles your first homosexual experience in the locker room after wrestling practice. You call to make an appointment to find out he's out

and you're actually not the center of anyone's world. Your planet shaped fruit is a pumpkin.

Never forget magical experiences.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) As you attempt to speak Mandarin to a young waitress at a Chinese restaurant, you are told that all of the servers are American, and you look like an ass hat screaming English in an offensive Chinese accent. In an attempt to prove this is a rouse, you pretend to know Kung-Fu, and end up accidentally kicking an elderly man in the head.

This proves fatal as master Gunna-whoop-yourass busts out his signature move, the “anal disrupter,” and you shit yourself to death on the floor of the Golden Dragon. Your planet shaped fruit is the Cactus. Someone get the Mr. Clean.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) The experience of getting your lover’s name tattooed on your chest when you were eighteen comes back to haunt you this week after you realize your drooping skin now makes the name “Bobby” spell “Bunghole.” Not wanting to prove your parent’s were right. You have the tattoo repurposed into a Chinese symbol that spells “diaper.” As you leave the parlor, the tattoo artist asks what you want to do about the word “Vagina” on your back. You quizzically look at him and say, “Don’t you mean The Verve Pipe?” Your planet shaped fruit is a zucchini. I wonder what Reginald might spell now?

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Your Catholic sentiments will be jarred this week as several young drivers make a blow job face at you after you proudly put your new personalized plate on your mini-van.

You decided to go with making an acronym of all of your children from oldest to youngest, and didn’t realize that Donald, Inga, Leonard, Daniel, and Olga ironically described what everyone already thinks of you and your zealous religious convictions.

Your globed fruit is an orange. Aaaahhh, now it’s sinking in! You stupid D.I.L.D.O.

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Aquarius (January 20-February 18) You’ll run out of time to manscape your genitalia this week before your big date with the neighbor’s wife. So you rummage through every door in the bathroom, until you find a razor buried under cotton swabs and tampons. Hastily, you will mar your ball sack, only to stick little swabs of toilet paper on the cuts to stop the bleeding. This dramatically impacts your chances of getting caught as the neighbor can smell blood from his days as teenager pretending to be a vampire. Your planet shaped fruit is an apple. I vant to suck your balls!

July 7, 2016

Art in the Wild

Pisces (February 19-March 20) You’ll be reminded this week why you pursued psychology majors in college as you pound your 20-something therapist with daddy issues from behind with an Orca-shaped dildo. As you both dress, she insists it was for your benefit, even though you plead with her that the “kill mom” voices won’t stop no matter how many times the two of you do it. Despite feeling connected to your therapist, you’ll be plagued with the thought that this relationship might be getting serious, leading you to seek out another psychologist to discuss it with. Your planet shaped fruit is a pear. It gets worse before it gets better.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

This stunning mural is unexpectedly located on the side of an industrial building on the corner of 6th Street and 1st Avenue in Rockford.

You’ll be compared to those “sticky things that fwap on a wall but lose their stick” this week after your boyfriend tells you he’s tired of giving you money. As you try to manipulate him into giving you more in exchange for a blow job, he’ll say, “That’s what I use your mom for dummy.” Although his reaction comes as somewhat of a surprise, you give him the blow job anyway, and in exchange he reads you a joke from his Laffy Taffy. Your planet shaped fruit is a watermelon. What did the gynecologist say to the Eagle Scout?

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Your micro management will take a nose dive as your children go on strike after years of being treated like employees. Starving them out of their revolt leads to a call to DCFS and a fat mustached social worker insists you feed them. After two days of wearing dirty underwear, your boss casually mentions you might want to wipe your ass, so you buckle and go to the negotiation table. It’s then that you discover your 3 year old who still has a pacifier and is barely out of diapers has been elected the union president. Your planet shaped fruit is a plum. We are not Wisconsin!

Gemini (May 21-June21) You’ll be teased this week when you bend over at your local pub to pick up a quarter and the crotch of the short-shorts you insist on wearing seem to have a Fu Manchu mustache. Shrugging, you think “fuck ‘em, I found a quarter” and smile and wink at the cook while he secretly jokes about your vagina having teeth. Your fruit-shaped planet’s a grape. Buy some damn scissors ...

Nature may be the most amazing artist, as is witnessed by this discarded exoskeleton of a cicada that was photographed in the Stateline.

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THE PAPER

By Griffon Trebuchet THE PAPER intern here with my second article, and I have to say, there is nothing worse than pretending to work when the ‘powers that suck’ stalk by you sitting on the ladies restroom sink rocking out to Muse like a God. Mind your own business, Bossman, and let me wail to “Dead Inside” in peace! To prove “I’m working,”,here’s this dumb thing.

Since the editor is too busy swilling down Scotch on the rocks to even read this, I’m going to tell you about how great he is. Firs off, he shakes hands like an aging accountant that just lost their life-savings betting on the wrong dead rooster. As a past sales associate of tainted aspirin and Malort-soaked tampons, it’s easy to spot who is going to cause you more trouble than they’re worth by the way they slip skin.

Stop weirding people out with your sweaty limp hand meat and grow some metacarpals. To avoid this same problem, I’m going to tell you how…

If a dickweed like Ned (see past article on this rag-waste) tries to crush your phalan-

July 7, 2016

ges and prove his alpha-maleness, stick your index finger out and place it on his twiggy wrist to find his pulse. Then, say something weird like “Ah, 100 beats per minute, give or take—did you steal a stapler?” or “Woah, your pulse is weaker than my grandpa’s— you’re either drunk or a few weeks away from a massive stroke.”

Either way you slice it, you have the upper handshake.

If you’re trying to leave a lasting impression on whoever is at the other end of your button-pushers, shake firmly and grab their elbow with your other hand. Then, kiss both of their cheeks with wet and sloppy pecks. This is guaranteed to convince them you’ve been out of the country at some point (hence your cultured shaking style) and are definitely good in the sack. You might feel uncomfortable planting the smooches, but I promise they’ll never forget your name—and that’s no easy task (especially with that dumb shirt you’re wearing).

Boss-hole is done pooping and out of my Bano. Peace.

Cancer Sucks!!! Poker Run July 30th The Widow Sons Masonic Riders Association Kinsman Redeemers Chapter of Rockford is putting on its “Cancer Sucks!!!” poker run on July 30 to benefit Frank Fester and Better Persoon who are both suffering from cancer.

The run costs $10 and starts off at Cronies Bar & Grill in Machesney Park at noon on Saturday, July 30. It continues to Hogs and Hydrants in Durand, The Loose Screw in German Valley, Kishwaukee Tap in Rockford and then back to Cronies.

All are welcome, whether riding motorcycle, or driving other vehicles.

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July 7, 2016

Just for Shits and Giggles

What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone said the young man. “He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog I said 'Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing.’"

When Beethoven died, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

A drug dealer sold me his shoes today. I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.

A young woman goes to see her doctor. "I hope you can help me out, I've been breaking out in hives lately," she said. "We'll see what we can do, lets take a look," replied the doctor. The woman pulls her top off and the doctor sees a big rash on her chest, in what looks like the shape of a big letter 'Y.' Slightly embarrassed, the woman explains, "I'm dating a guy who's going to Yale, and the whole college thing really turns me on, so I ask him to keep his varsity sweatshirt on when we have sex. I guess my skin is reacting to the printing on it." The doctor replies, "I think I've got a topical cream that should do the trick.", and he writes her a prescription and sends her on her way. Two months later, the woman comes back to get a refill. "Lets take a look to be sure it isn't getting any worse," says the doc. She takes off her top and this time there's a big letter Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

'M.' The doctor gives her a puzzled look and she smiles and explains: "I've started seeing a guy from MIT." The doctor nods and writes out another prescription. Two months A young man moved to Chicago and went to a sales broker looking for a job. The later, she's back, and looking for another re-fill. She takes her shirt off and again the manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man said, “Yes, I was doctor sees the big letter 'M.' “So, things are going well with that fella from MIT?" "Not a great salesman back in Rockford." The manager liked the guy so he gave him the really," she blushes, "I met a girl from Washington State." job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did My wife caught me checking out the nanny the other day. She fired the nanny. Then you make today?" The guy said "Just the one." The manager groaned and continued she told me no more sex for a year! I said, "You're firing the maid, too?"

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale Two Italian men on the bus were talking with thick accents. One says to the other, for?” The young man replied, “$123,012.52." The manager choked and exclaimed "First, Emma come. Then I come. Two asses. I come a second time, and, again, two $123,012.52, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, asses. I come a third time, pee twice, and I come one last time. A lady within earshot then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him walks up and says, "I think it's shameful the way you talk about your sex life in pubwhere he was goin’ fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he would need lic!" He replies, "Sex life? Lady, I'm a telling my friend how to spell a Mississippi." a boat, so we went down to the marina and I brokered a deal for a speedboat. Then While in bed the other day I was so proud. My girlfriend screamed, "Oh my god, it's he said he didn't think his Honda would pull it, so I took him down and brokered a deal for him to buy a Jeep 4x4.” The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me so big!" But then I saw the spider… a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "No, no,”

Continued on next page...

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THE PAPER

Three bats are hanging out in their cave, a large one, a medium one and a small one.

"I'm feeling hungry," says the big one and flies out of the cave. He returns with a bloody face and asks "Do you guys remember the town by the hill?" "We remember," said the other two. "Well forget about it. No one survived." A few minutes later the medium bat says ,"I'm feeling hungry" and flies out of the cave. It comes back a few hours later covered in blood and asks the other bats, "Do you guys remember that village by the forest?" They reply, "We remember." "Well forget about it. There were no survivors." Finally the little bat says, "I'm feeling hungry" and flies out of the cave.

He comes back minutes later, his face covered in blood and asks the other bats "Do you guys remember that tree in front of our cave?" They reply, "We remember." To which he says, “Well I forgot about it."

Yesterday I held a door open for a clown...I thought it was a nice jester.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" The gallery owner replied, "The gentleman was your doctor."

Why did Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box.

A man walks into a bank and goes up to the counter, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The banker is completely shocked at what she heard, "Sir, could you please not use that kind of language in here." "What's your problem. All I want to do is open a fucking checking account!" "Sir, please calm down." "That's it, let me talk to your fucking manager!" The banker goes to the back and tells the manager about the unruly customer. "Don't worry, I'll handle this," the manager reassured her. "Is there something wrong sir? I'll have you know that I will not tolerate any disrespect toward my employees as I personally hired every single one of them," the manager said confidently. "What the fuck is your problem?! All I want to do is open a fucking checking account and deposit a million dollars." After a long pause the manager asked, "Is this bitch giving you any trouble?"

I'll never forget the very last thing my grandfather ever said to me: “Stop shaking the ladder you little bastard!”

July 7, 2016

Classified Ads

To respond to ads with no contact information, use the ad number and email thepaper@gmx.com or send correspondence to P.O. Box 2108, Loves Park, IL 61130 Ad0707-1 Wanted to Buy: Planet-shaped fruits. No Fatties.

Ad0707-2 For Sale: Used Fireworks. Priced to Sell. Text: 779-537-3759

Ad0707-3 Seeking to Buy: White Sox tickets for games that Chicago does not fail miserably in. Will pay more than face value.

Ad0707-4 Wanted: pool-cleaning technician ok working in swimsuit & having buns smacked by 2 widows. Experience cleaning pool not necessary.

Ad0707-5 Ad0707-6 Just wanted my name here since Poems for sale. Priced right. Any its only $10-Chugalug Henderson subject. Text Only: 815-721-1507 Ad0707-7 Ad0707-8 Used panties for sale: 779-537-3759 Please just call me: 720-464-8048 Ad0707-9 Wanted to buy: Back Issues of this publication—THE PAPER— from Jan. 2016 or earlier. Trying to gather complete collection.

Will pay $1 per clean, complete issue. Call or text 815-721-1507 or email thepaper@gmx.com and let us know what issues you have to offer.

Ad0707-10 Missed Connection—Mario S., when you emailed me, I knew it was a match made in Heaven. You can be my getaway driver any day, and I won’t even make you wear the mask. Just please hit me back on my email and let me know you want the job and it will be yours: gamgambandit@caramail.com.

Ad0707-11 Lost: Dentures left at Jim’s Buffet and Gun Room by the pudding station. Reward if found.

Ad0707-12 BBW w/ large strap-on, just want love from man who wears women’s panties. Text 779-537-3759

Classified ads are $10 for 2 lines. To place a classified email thepaper@gmx.com or call 815-721-1507. All classified ads require pre-payment.

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July 7, 2016

Event Calendar (or Beers, Bikes, Bars, Bowling, BBQs, Billiards & Benefits) In support of the Rockford/Stateline Area, this Community Calendar shows events for adults and/or charitable events those in the music scene, which are on Page 18. Submit events for consideration by emailing ThePaper@gmx.com or calling 815-721-1507.

We include as many applicable events as space allows. The deadline to have your event considered for the next issue is July 18.

Date

Events

Fri. Farmers Market @ 1240 S. Alpine Rockford 9am-1pm; Stephenson County Fair @ 225 S. Walnut Freeport; Rockford Town July 8 Fair @ Rockford Speedway; ByronFest 2016 @ Downtown Byron; Rockford City Market @ Market St. & Water St. 3-8pm; Winnebago Farmers Market @ Main & Benton 3:30-7pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge 200 N. Church St. Rockford; Bike Night @ Kegel Harley-Davidson Rockford 6-9pm; Underground Art Battle 101 @ Gallery 610 Rockford 9-11pm Sat. Sat. July 9 Beloit Farmers Market @ State St. & Grand Ave. 8am-1pm; Belvidere Farmers Market @ 1940 N. State St. 9am July 9 -12:30pm; Byron Farmers Market @ Sunshine Park 8am-12pm; Midway Village “Main Street Market” @ Midway Village Rockford 9am-4pm; Pecatonica Farmers Market @ Downtown Pecatonica 8-11am; Bus Trip to Taste of Chicago & Navy Pier @ Grant Park Tavern in Rockford, leaves at noon; Stephenson County Fair @ 225 S. Walnut Rd. Freeport; North End City Market @ corner of N. Main & Auburn St. 9am-1pm; Health Fair @ The Rock Fitness 9am -3pm; ByronFest 2016 @ Downtown Byron; Rockford Town Fair @ Rockford Speedway; Barefoot Grape Stomping @ Four Sisters Winery Belvidere 1-4pm; River Jam to Support Vets Roll @ Verdi Club in Rockford 2-11pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford Sun. Rockford Midtown Farmers Market @ 502 7th St. 10am-2pm; Customer Appreciation Party @ Brew Haus in Loves July 10 Park; Juvenile Diabetes Thunder Run @ Kegel Harley-Davidson 11am-7pm; Sportbike Track Time @ Blackhawk Farms Raceway in South Beloit; Tee-On-Geese Outdoor Market @ Victory Sports Complex Parking Lot Loves Park 12-8pm Mon. Pints for Pups @The Olympic Tavern 4pm; Free Donut Day @ Dirty Bears Donut Shop in Loves Park all day long; July 11 23rd Annual Glory Hole Night @ Rock Cut State Park in Machesney Park 5:23pm-midnight Tues. Cabinet of Curiosities @ Tinker Swiss Cottage 1&3; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge in. Rockford; Open Stage July 12 Night @ Mary’s Place Rockford starts at 9:30pm; Lake Shore Chinooks vs Rockford Rivets @ Rockford Stadium 6:30pm; Bacon Night! @ Mulligan’s Pub & Grill 6pm Wed. Edgebrook Farmers Market @ Alpine & Highcrest Rockford 9am -1pm; Rockton River Market @ Settler’s Park 4-8pm; July 13 Cards Against Humanity @ Town Hall in Loves Park 6-8pm; Automotive Track Day @ Blackhawk Farms Raceway 6pm; Wild Wednesdays @ Rockford Speedway 7:27pm: Chill Pill Comedy @ Kryptonite Bar in Rockford 8pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford; Open Jam w/ Crevie & Russ @ Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford 9pm Thurs. Edgebrook Farmers Market @ Alpine & Highcrest Rockford 3-6:30pm; Cabinet of Curiosities @ Tinker Swiss Cottage nd July 14 1&3; Machesney Park GPS Farmers Market @ 10714 N. 2 St. 3-7pm; Smarty Party Trivia @ Bushell & Peck’s Local Market in Beloit 7-9pm; Open Stage Night @ Mary’s Place Rockford starts at 9:30pm Fri. HCC Realty Market @ 1240 S. Alpine Rockford 9am-1pm; Cabinet of Curiosities @ Tinker Swiss Cottage 1&3; RockJuly 15 ford City Market @ Market St. & Water St. 3-8pm; Winnebago Farmers Market @ Main & Benton 3:30-7pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford; Rockford Rivets vs Madison Mallards @ Rockford Stadium 6:35pm; Hat Contest @ Westmor Lanes in Rockford Sat. Beloit Farmers Market @ State St. & Grand Ave. 8am-1pm; Belvidere Farmers Market @ 1940 N. State St. 9am-12:30pm; ByJuly 16 ron Farmers Market @ Sunshine Park 8am-12pm; Farmers Market @ N. Main & Auburn St. 9am-1pm; Farmers Market @ Midway Village Rockford 9am-4pm; Farmers Market @ Downtown Pecatonica 8-11am; Rockford Vintage Market @ Downtown Rockford 9am-3pm; Benefit for Honor Faith @ Rocky’s in Loves Park 12-6pm; Hanz Brew Fest @ Settler’s Park in Rockton 12-6pm; Benefit for Matt Wollitz @ 2 Wheel Inn in Rockford 2pm-2am; Wine & Brew at the Wetland @ Nygren Wetland Preserve in Rockton 3-6pm; LM, SP, Hornets plus STARS-Illini Midgets @ Rockford Speedway 7pm; Shuffleboard Tournament @ Vic & Jim’s in Loves Park 7pm; Paranormal Investigation @ Barnes Manny Mansion (Burpee Museum) 7-10pm Sun. Rockford Midtown Farmers Market @ 502 7th St. 10am-2pm; Kicking Balls for Mens Cancer @ Davis Park & Krypnd July 17 tonite in Rockford 12pm; 2 Annual ROC (Rural Oaks Corner) Party @ Rural On Tap in Rockford 3-10pm Mon. Pints for Pups @The Olympic Tavern 4pm; Chicago Region Sports Car Club of America (SCCA) @ Blackhawk July 18 Farms Raceway in South Beloit Tues. Cabinet of Curiosities @ Tinker Swiss Cottage 1&3; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford; Open Stage July 19 Night @ Mary’s Place Rockford starts at 9:30pm Wed. Farmers Market @ Alpine & Highcrest Rockford 9am-1pm; Rockton River Market @ Settler’s Park 4-8pm; Cards Against July 20 Humanity @ Town Hall in Loves Park 6-8; Wild Wednesdays @ Rockford Speedway 7pm: Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge in Rockford; Comedy Night @ Town Hall in Loves Park; Open Jam w/Crevie & Russ @ Whiskey’s Roadhouse 9pm Thurs. Machesney Park GPS Farmers Market @ 10714 N. 2nd St. 3-7pm; Downtown Dog Walk @ Kryptonite/Downtown July 21 Rockford 5-8pm; Open Stage Night @ Mary’s Place Rockford starts at 9:30pm Fri.

HCC Realty Market @ 1240 S. Alpine Rockford 9am-1pm; 2016 BMX Midwest Nationals @ Searles Park in Rockford 11am; Rockford City Market @ Market St. & Water St. 3-8pm; Winnebago Farmers Market @ Main & Benton 3:30-7pm; ChampiJuly 22 onship Cup Series @ Blackhawk Farms Raceway South Beloit 5pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford Sat. Beloit Farmers Market @ State St. & Grand Ave. 8am-1pm; Belvidere Farmers Market @ 1940 N. State St. 9am-12:30pm; July 23 Byron Farmers Market @ Sunshine Park 8am-12pm; 2016 Midwest Dodge Charger Show @ Boone County Fairgrounds 8am-5pm; Midway Village “Main Street Market” @ Midway Village Rockford 9am-4pm; Pecatonica Farmers Market @ Downtown Pecatonica 8-11am; Cars on Main @ 400 Block of Main St. Pecatonica 9am-3pm; North End City Market @ corner of N. Main & Auburn St. 9am-1pm; Open Mic Night @ Mandalay Lounge Rockford; Rockford Rivets vs Green Bay Bullfrogs @ Rockford Stadium 6:35pm; Championship Cup @ Blackhawk Farms South Beloit; SP & AST plus LM, RR and Forward/Backward Race @ Rockford Speedway 7pm; Magic Mike Live Tour @ Clock Tower Resort 8pm; The Last Absurd Fun’d Fare @ Kryptonite in Rockford 2pm; Murder Mystery Night: Murder at the Speakeasy @ Tinker Swiss Cottage Museum & Gardens Rockford 6-8pm; Haunted Rockford Lamplight Tour @ Greenwood Cemetery Auburn St. Rockford 7-8:30pm

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July 7, 2016

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July 7, 2016

Support Your Local Music Scene VENUE

DATE

Rock-A-Bago Hall in Rockford

July 8

Rat Baxter

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

July 8

The Blunderbuss

Mary’s Place in Rockford

July 8

Echo Beach a.k.a. The Surf Band

Edgebrook Center in Rockford

July 8 6:30-8:30pm

Something To Do w/ Slate Train

Kryptonite in Rockford

July 8

Amperage

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

July 9

Fork In The Road

2 Wheel Inn in Rockford

July 9

Hard Times

Rock-A-Bago Hall in Rockford

July 9

Paul Filipowicz (blues)

Hope and Anchor English Pub in Loves Park

July 9

Too Deep

Mary’s Place in Rockford

July 9 at 9pm

Plan B

Turtle Tap in Beloit

July 9 at 9pm

Dirty Look Drive By

Rocky’s in Loves Park

July 9 9pm to 1am

Desolation Row

Byronfest in Downtown Byron

July 9 6-9pm

Blues Hawks

Big Al’s in Rockford

July 9 at 9pm

Big Daddy Woo Woo

Rascals in Loves Park

July 9

Desolation Row

Kegel Harley-Davidson in Rockford

July 10 4-7pm

Bluegrass Reunion Band

Belvidere Park in Belvidere

July 10

Love & Thunder

Oregon Park West in Oregon

July 12

Otherwise w/ Shallow Side, KillBourn and Static Signal

The District in Rockford

July 13

Three Good Men

Prairie St. Brewhouse in Rockford

July 14

Pistol Pete

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

July 15

The RED Band

Wild Wild Westmor Lanes in Rockford

July 15

B Side

Mike’s Roadhouse in Beloit

July 15

Smilin’ Bobby

Lyran Club in Rockford

July 15 7-10pm

Lateralus (Tool tribute band)

Kryptonite in Rockford

July 15 at 9:30 pm

Miles Over Mountains

Pigs Mind Brewery Co. in Machesney Park

July 15 at 7pm

Bluegrass Festival 2016 with Junior Sisk & Ramblers Choice/ Circle E Guest Ranch in Belvidere Becky Buller/Williamson Branch/Connection27/Lone Mountain/ Frances Mooney & Fontainna Sunset/Perry Suits & Third Degree

July 15 & July 16

Over The Limit

Town Hall in Loves Park

July 16

Off the Grid/Chuck Veer & Take 27/ Gordy Campbell Project

2 Wheel Inn in Rockford

July 16 3pm-2am

Prowler w/ Point Zero 8

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

July 16

Southern Charm

Rock-A-Bago Hall in Rockford

July 16

Shifty Shafer

Rascals in Loves Park

July 16

Braille Blues Daddy Bryan Lee

Sinnissippi Park in Rockford

July 16 at 6pm

Daddy’s Got a New 45

The District in Rockford

July 16 at 9pm

Sum of Souls/Black Damage/Alpha Villain/Sweet Lucy/ 99 Proof Devils

Thirsty Skull Saloon in Pecatonica

July 16

Rock And Roll Institute

Kate’s Pie Shop & Records in Rockford

July 16 6-8pm

Dirt Road Rebelz

Grand Avenue Pub in Beloit

July 16 at 9pm

Switchtrack Alley

Thirsty Badger Bar & Grill in Beloit

July 16 at 8pm

Little Miss Whiskey

Crazy Times Pub in Machesney Park

July 16

Mississippi Man

Rock-A-Bago Hall in Rockford

July 17

Pirates Over 40

Candlewick Recreation Center in Poplar Grove July 17

The Lone Canary

Anderson Japanese Gardens in Rockford

July 19 at 5pm

Hindsite

Alchemy/Big Al’s in Rockford

July 20 at 6pm

Paper Airplane

Nicholas Conservatory in Rockford

July 20 at 6pm

Derek Luttrell & Taboo Blah Blah

Prairie St. Brewhouse in Rockford

July 21

Epic Electric

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

July 22

Hank & Cupcakes

Kryptonite in Rockford

July 22 at 9pm

Paper Airplane

Gene’s Place in Rockford

July 22 7-11pm

H!p Pocket

Mary’s Market in Rockford

July 22 at 6:30pm

Pistol Pete

Mary’s Place in Rockford

July 22 at 9:30pm

Soul Review (formerly known as Eighteen 11)

Wild Wild Westmor Lanes in Rockford

July 23

Dead Mans Hand

Whiskey’s Roadhouse in Rockford

July 23

Rebel Soul

Rock-A-Bago Hall in Rockford

July 23

Whoa Nellie

Town Hall in Loves Park

July 23

The Claudettes w/ JF Gaziano & Michael Whyte

Mary’s Place in Rockford

July 23

Amperage

New Kishwaukee Tap

July 23 at 9pm

Jaik Willis

Pig Minds Brewing Co. in Machesney Park

July 23 at 7pm

SPREAD THE WORD — SHARE YOUR MUSIC EVENTS WITH OUR READERS

Miss Whiskey

THE PAPER is dedicated to supporting the Rockford Area/Stateline music scene, and most of our audience is too. As such, we will list applicable music events in the area free of charge. Just notify us of the band/event, where it is taking place and when, and we will include it in this listing. You can reach our editor by email at thepaper@gmx.com or call 815-721-1507 and share the information. The next deadline for submission is July 18 for the July 21 issue of THE PAPER.

BAND/MUSIC EVENT

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July 7, 2016

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July 7, 2016