Edition No. 4
June 2020
The Redcliffe Rave EDITOR RICHARD LANCASTER
A WARNING By Home Affairs Reporter. Barry Tuton
If the forced postponement of the Redcliffe Republic Rally at Redcliffe’s Anzac Park due to the Covid 19 pandemic as reported in the Rave’s last edition, wasn’t disappointment enough for the Republic Movement’s organisers, then news from an unexpected source delivered a near knockout blow to the fledgling group. A spokesman for the group reported that last week they had been contacted by ASIO, the Australian security service, who visited their Redcliffe office and examined the CONTENTS Kid’s Crime
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Gift Dog
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New Team Member
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Gardening Column
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Laughter
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Movie Maker
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group’s files. Subsequently, the group were verbally warned that their activities were now being monitored and should the group breach any part of the Australian Security Intelligence Organisation Act 1979, they would be liable to prosecution under the Act. I asked “So what are you going to do now?” The spokesman responded “We are law abiding citizens of Australia and accordingly will work within the law.” I pressed him, ”Yes, but what do you propose to do about the Redcliffe Republic now?” “We are having a meeting next week and are taking legal advice
Big Mal wins the Day Although this newspaper has no connection with the Redcliffe Republic movement or any other political movement for that matter, we conducted a public straw poll as to who would make a suitable President for the Redcliffe Republic. It made for some interesting reading. Interestingly no locals featured. Names such as ex-PM’s Kevin Rudd, Paul Keating, Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott all got votes in our public straw poll. Even the US ex- Presidents Carter, Bush and Obama featured, as well. Ex UK Prime Ministers Cameron and Blair were there, but the one name that was way ahead of the field was the Honourable Malcolm Turnbull. Big Mal is popular, having collected a handsome swag of 43 votes out of a total of 84 Redcliffians polled. Accordingly, we thought it important enough to examine Mal’s credentials, should he be approached to become our first
Edition 4 - June 2020 - The Redcliffe Rave
as well.” he said. He refused to answer any further questions.
President. He’s independently wealthy, is good looking and has a regal, aristocratic bearing and significant experience in ruling the masses. His wife was an ex-mayor of Sydney. He has good mates from `the big end` of town, all of whom have deep pockets. They bought several hundred copies of his recent autobiography. His legal expertise is the envy of most barristers, having successfully represented Kerry Packer in the `goanna` trial. This could prove useful, give the recent threatening visit by ASIO. He once even attended a fancy dress ball as Napoleon Bonaparte and kept the uniform, for as our spies tell us, just in case he was ever asked to become an Emperor. H’mm, now there’s an idea! Insiders tell us that he is very approachable and accordingly, they believe, he would welcome the opportunity to serve as supreme leader of the Redcliffe Republic. Page 1
From your Editors Chair Dear Reader, Thank you for your support and I am thrilled that you have enjoyed the first three editions of The Redcliffe Rave. Fortunately we do not receive too many reader’s brickbats, but one in particular was unusual as it was distressing. An anonymous reader, no doubt with sinister motives, wrote a letter addressed to me accusing our respected Dr. Denny Austen of falsifying his claim as a physician. I passed on the offensive letter to Dr. Denny, who has responded accordingly. I quote. Dear Editor, I am in receipt of the offensive letter sent to you from a cowardly, dastardly individual of obviously limited intelligence. This oaf has defamed me by saying that I am not an accredited medical practitioner. Accordingly, I am attaching my qualification from the University of Oxfod, proving my legitimacy as a Doctor of Brain Surgery[D.B.S.]. Let me assure you and your readers that the University’s Vice Chancellor, his wife and the Pro-Rector are all willing to appear in a Court of Law and attest on my behalf. I request that you publish both this letter and the accompanying certificate. Yours truly, Dennis Austen. D.B.S. P.S. The incompetent scroll writer spelt my name with an `i`, its Austen.
KIDS CRIME By Redcliffe’s Poet Laureate Bill Breakspeare
The Crime Spree is up and running, Its all about kids crime and the homes they’re a-shunning, The Opposition whined loud and clear, Put up more jails to house the young dears. The government dithered and wrist smacked the lot, Don’t put them in watch-houses and leave them to rot, You must understand them , they cried out loud, You can’t put them in restraints and big white shrouds. But where are their parents in all of this? They’re probably on drugs or drowning in piss, While their kids go out and create merry hell, And all we can hope for, is that the cops it can quell .
More of Dr. Denny’s Irishisms As I promised here are a few more Medical terms as interpreted by my Irish colleagues. Bowel- A letter like A,E, I, O, U. Varicose- Nearby. Impotent- well known. Vein - Conceited. Tumour- More than one. Fester- Quicker. Nitrates- Cheaper than day rates. Barium.- What doctors do when patients die. Urine- Opposite to `You’re out`. Seizure- Roman Emperor. Coma- A punctuation mark. Recovery room-Place to do upholstery. Labour pains- Getting hurt at work. Terminal illness- Getting sick at the airport. Medical staff- Dr’s walking stick.
Editorials: Send all story ideas and articles to ricails@bigpond.com.au Advertising: For advertising rates, conditions and bookings please contact Steve on havahart1@optusnet.co.au Distribution: Everywhere online. Copyright and Disclaimer: No part of this publication may be reproduced in whole or in part without written permission of the publisher. The content in this publication is for entertainment purposes only. The Redcliffe Rave and its editor, publishers, writers and agents assume no liability or responsibility for any inaccurate, delayed or incomplete information, nor for any actions taken in reliance thereon. The information contained about each individual, event or organisation has been agreed to by the individuals, event organisers or organisations without verification by us. The opinions expressed in each article is the opinion of the author and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Redcliffe Rave or its publishers. Therefore The Redcliffe Rave carries no responsibility for the opinions expressed therein. Indemnity: By advertising or submitting with The Redcliffe Rave, you agree to indemnify all participating contributors and supporting businesses such as graphic designers and printers against any claims.
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Edition 4 - June 2020 - The Redcliffe Rave
Looking a Gift Dog in the Mouth A Cautionary Tail. A bloke sees a sign in the front of a Scarborough house which says` Talking Dog for Sale`. He rings the front door bell and the owner tells him that the dog is in the backyard. He goes there and finds a spotty dog lying on the lawn. “Do you talk?” he asks the dog. “Yes I do” the dog replies. “So what’s your story?” the man asks. The dog looks the man up and down and says ”Well I discovered my gift of speaking when I was pretty young and as I wanted to help the government, I told ASIO and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders and because no one would believe that a dog would be eavesdropping, I became one of their most
valuable spies, eight years running”. The dog continued, ”But jetting around really tired me out and as I wasn’t getting any younger and wanted to settle down, I transferred to a job at Brisbane airport and did undercover security work, mostly sniffing out suspicious characters and listening to their conversations. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals for my work. During that time I had a wife and a bunch of puppies and now I’m retired.” said the dog lying back on the grass. The bloke was gobsmacked and goes back to the owner and asks what he wants for the dog. The owner replies “Twenty dollars!”. The bloke is amazed and says “But your dog is amazing, how come you only want twenty dollars for him?” “Well because he’s a freaking liar. He never did any of that stuff!”
A Senior’s Special from your Editor Are you a senior? Do you feel as though the world is passing you by? Well Don’t and here’s Why!
However there are Things you need to Watch! 1. When your sweetie says lets go upstairs and make love. Don’t say: “Pick one, honey. I can’t do both.”
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation, you are generally released first.
2. Don’t take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
3. No one expects you to run, anymore.
3. Don’t be offended when friends admire your new alligator skin shoes, when you are barefoot.
4. If people ring you after 9.00pm, they will say “Sorry did I wake you?
4. Don’t worry when your doctor tells you to go slow, instead of the police saying it.
5. There is nothing left to learn the hard way anymore. 6. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
5. When you say` I got lucky`, you mean you have found your car in that underground car park.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 o’clock. 9. You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.
14. Your eyes can’t get much worse.
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15. Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
11. You no longer see speed limits as challenges.
16. Your joints are more metrologically accurate than the National Weather Bureau.
10. You can get into arguments about pensions.
12. You can sing along to the elevator music. 13. You have stopped sucking in your stomach, no matter who comes into the room. Edition 4 - June 2020 - The Redcliffe Rave
17. Your secrets are finally safe, because your friends can’t remember them either. 18. Your brain cells are now a more manageable number.
6. If you go bra-less, don’t be surprised if it pulls down all the wrinkles in your face and neck. 7. When you say `I got a little action`, others realise that means the laxative you took last night worked. 8. Realise now that you don’t really care where you spouse goes as long as you don’t have to go, too. 9. And an `all- nighter` means you didn’t have to the bathroom.
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Some of Stevie Hart’s Favourite Sayings 1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it’s two -tired. 2. What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead give-away. 3. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off! 4. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 5. A backward poet writes inverse. 6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 7. If you don’t pay an exorcist, you get repossessed. 8. Every calendar’s days are numbered. 9. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 10. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
VALE
It Is with much sadness that the team at The Redcliffe Rave learned of the tragic passing of John Briskey. Musician, Moviemaker, Keith Urban’s first manager and an extraordinary human being, John was about to join the Rave team and contribute with a column aptly monikered `Off the Brisket` R.I.P. John Briskey. We will remember you.
More Great Quotes from Great Ladies A male gynaecologist is like a car mechanic who has never owned a car. Carrie Snow A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t! Rhonda Hansome I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at the same time. Jennifer Unlimited If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning! Catherine C I’m not offended by dumb blonde jokes, because I’m not dumb and I’m also not blonde! Dolly Parton If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. Sue Grafton Page 4
RUMOUR MILL Strong rumour has it that a number of Redcliffe holiday accommodation owners want to see tourism with a capital T, returned to Redcliffe. Evidently the group is considering relaunching Tourism Redcliffe, which folded over a couple of decades ago. Keen sports fan claims he saw NRL boss Peter V’Landys at the Redcliffe Leagues Club last week. Word has it, that the Redcliffe Dolphins are the frontrunners for Queensland’s new NRL team. When Covid 19 finally departs our shores, watch for the discounts on Redcliffe holiday accommodation. With Rupert M closing his newsPAPERS and going digital, a number of media players, including some soon to be out of work journalists are planning to launch brand new editions around South East Queensland. What about branding? The Redcliffe and Coastline Bulletin perhaps? Rumour has it that the new crop planned to replace pineapples, strawberries and the like in the Moreton Bay region, will be medicinal cannabis! With the P M’s push to create new jobs, the near moribund Redcliffe’s TAFE is being strongly considered to be given a new a new life.
New Rave Team Member We are proud to have visual artist, author, teacher and actor Monica Batiste join the Rave team. She grew up in Sydney, where at a young age, her natural talent as visual artist and a ballet dancer came to the fore. It is rumoured that at the age of 16, she was spotted by a Sadlers Wells Ballet Company talent scout and was offered a place at the prestigious London company. Regrettably, as she was about to sit for her HSC exam, her parents declined the offer. Her artworks decorate many a celebrity home in Sydney and her children’s books sell prolifically. She runs a successful yoga school in Redcliffe and she recently starred in the popular feature mockumentary movie `The Third Commandant`. Monica’s art work and illustrations will appear in The Redcliffe Rave. Edition 4 - June 2020 - The Redcliffe Rave
An Exotic Indian Dish with our Fine Dining Editor Gina Naylor
An occasional Gardening Column by your gardening exspurt Blair Tickle
Here’s a novel idea for you lazy, layabout, bludgers. Grow your own tucker - it’s easy and free. Step 1. Nick down to Woolies, Coles or Bunnings. Step 2. Find the vegetable seeds aisle. Step 3. Pocket a few packets, they won’t miss ‘em. Step 4. Get into the garden and dig up a few weeds and create a bed. Step 5. Sprinkle the seeds and cover them lightly with soil. Step 6.Water them regularly with a ratio mixture of 3/4’s water and a ¼ of your pee in a watering can. Step 7. To ensure that your dog or Mrs Simkins Ginger Tom from next door doesn’t dig them up, put extra sharp stakes around the bed. Step 8. Catch any caterpillars. Remember, some nationalities treat these creatures as delicacies. Fried, very crunchy, I believe. Step 9. When the crop is ready. Harvest and then eat it along with the fried caterpillars. Step 10. Don’t forget your benefactors, send either Woolies/ Coles/ Bunnings or all three, a thank you card.
Over the years I’ve been blessed with trips abroad and along the way I’ve enjoyed some of the world’s finest culinary experiences. One of the absolute finest, was a dish first tried in Udaipur India over looking the Taj Lake Palace. Most people will remember the palace, now a hotel which featured in the James Bond 1983 film Octopussy. The vegetarian dish called Malai Kofta is not a well known one, like some of the more better known Butter Chicken or Tika Masala dishes. But is a real treat, especially for vegetarians. It was by pure chance after a chat with a colleague, that I experienced the wonderful dish. She had originally tried the dish made for her by her partner (his name is Punk, short for Pankaj). He is from Shekhupur in India’s Himachal Pradesh state. Punk had spent time cooking with his Mother and Grandmother, while his father was away in the army. The women shared some of their secrets in producing the finest of Indian cuisine with him. At first cooking wasn’t something the young Pankaj enjoyed, but is now grateful he learnt their secrets, especially now that he is far away from his family and his home. Malai Kofta comes from from India’s North originating from the Mughlai Cuisine. Some of the southern states make the dish, but have a twist of their own. Its a highly rich dish, usually served on special occasions and with Jeera rice and naan bread. When Punk prepared it for me, he made samosas from his grandmother’s original recipe. The name, Malai refers to cream and Kofta to the dumplings. The sauce is a smooth lightly spiced creamy tomato curry. The spices are a delicious blend of ginger, garlic, garam masala, pepper, paprika and dried fenugreek,......while the koftas are `a melt in your mouth` mashed potato, almond, cashews paprika and coriander. These are rolled into balls then lightly fried, before being added to the sauce. If you ever get to try this wonderful dish, make sure you have a traditional Chai to start your meal.
Musings on Laughter The name Ella Wheeler Wilcox meant nothing to me, until the other day. It had been a long boring day inside, with the dreaded Covid 19, lurking somewhere outside. Feeling a little sad, I pondered on those words `Laugh and the world laughs with you; Weep and you weep alone.` As I pondered the truism, I wondered who had written them. I was soon to find out. Ella Wheeler Wilcox was an American author and poet born in 1850 on a farm in Johnstown Wisconsin. One of four children, the family considered themselves intellectual, with the child Emma consistently reading and enjoying Shakespeare and other notable authors. She started to write poetry aged eight and had her first poem published at thirteen.
In the early1880’s in her early thirties and travelling on a train, she observed a young woman, alone and dressed in black, sitting alone in a close by seat. She was crying for her recently passed husband. Emma comforted her and was so affected by the woman’s sorrow that on returning home, she wrote the opening verse of her poem `Solitude` - `Laugh and the world laughs with you, Weep and you weep alone. For this sad old earth must borrow its mirth but has trouble enough of its own.` She sent the poem to a New York newspaper and received $5 for it.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor
Going Bald by Trevor `I’m a baldy` Hairsmith
Around 25 years ago, sporting a thinning thatch of mottled tired looking grey head hair, I decided to shave it all off. Whilst a fair proportion of Australia’s and the world’s adult male population continued to go naturally bald, very few sported a `shaved look`. Whilst Yul Brynner and Telly Savalas, even Marlon Brando, appearing in Apocalypse Now, had taken to the barber’s chair to lead the shaved look charge, it had not taken off. So when I sported the shaved look for the first time,, I received some surprised and even derogatory comments about my total elimination of head hair. I was not a little surprised, as head shaving has had a long and illustrious and sometimes notorious history. Monks of both eastern and western religions practised it, indicating their humility to their god and their rejection of earthly pleasures. In South Korea, shaving one’s head has a long standing tradition of protest. In ancient Egypt, a shaven head was considered a sign of great beauty. Both men and
A MOVIE REVIEW
women sought to have their heads shaved as smooth as possible. In England’s Civil War, Oliver Cromwell’s victorious troops were called `roundheads`, because of their shaven pates. Even as late as the 1960’s, a `skinhead` subculture sprung up in the United Kingdom and carried through to the 1980’s. Dressed in working class clothing, angry alienated young men formed into gangs and generally went around causing trouble for the more law abiding general population. Latterly the `cleanskin` look has been adopted by such diverse groups as members of motorcycle gangs and neo fascist groups. Bravely continuing my `shavings` in the subsequent years, I weathered the outrage of the population’s more hirsute members and to my joy have been joined by many others, men and women, who have seen the light and joined the ranks of the `cleanshaven`. Among them celebrities, Bruce Willis, Britney Spears, NBA’s Michael Jordan, Dwayne `the Rock` Johnson,
Natalie Portman, Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett, Tom Cruise, Charlize Theron, Hugh Jackman, Angelina Jolie, pro surfer Kelly Slater and even royal Prince William has been known to shave his pate, at times! Yes, I have weathered many rude taunts, but think of how many bottles of shampoo I have not had to buy, which means no dandruff either! I’m never windblown and therefore never have to say `I can’t do a thing with it`.
Lucky Day!
Friday June 12 at around 1.00pm turned out to be very lucky for `The Redcliffe Rave`. We featured on the ABC 612 4QR Radio’s Midday Show with Kat Feeney.
by Brian Lee Watson
The Rave’s Movie Maker.
he is dependent on his cast and crew. “Without them it would never have happened. All their hard work and effort brought my idea to life.” he said.
`A new Drug is invented that ends Ageing in the Human Body`. How about that Ladies and Gentlemen ? Attainable or not, you can be the judge. Immortality is the latest film to be produced and directed by established Redcliffe movie maker, Justin Wallace. This is the sixth movie to be crafted by this talented individual and is now being distributed world-wide. Which proves the age old adage, `Good things come to those who persevere` I sat with Justin over a coffee and was impressed with the drive and
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dedication he shows for making very different, but exceptionally good movies. Immortality will make the viewer question their own way of life. Like many movie makers today, he’s self- funded which means that
Its refreshing to see movie making is alive and well in Redcliffe and Justin has filmed some beautiful Redcliffe locations in his movie. As a Hollywood director said recently, on a visit to Redcliffe, “ This is a great place for movie making!” So Justin’s movie is helping to keep Redcliffe in the forefront of the movie making world. To live stream this amazing movie, go to; vimeo.com/ondemand/ immortalitymovie or facebook immortalitythemovie.
Edition 4 - June 2020 - The Redcliffe Rave