SHITS & GIGGLES
THE FIVE HORSEMEN OF THE HINGE APOCALYPSE aka the five men you will most definitely find on Hinge
by Rachel Loring
THE FINANCE BRO
THE CRUNCHY GRANOLA BRO
Name: Brad “Belford” Chadderson
Name: Kyler Zander Sycamore
Age: 28
Age: 23
Sign: I only believe in the stock market
Sign: Do you want my sun, moon, or rising?
Career: Cosplaying Leonardo DiCaprio in “The Wolf of Wall Street”
Career: Wearing atrocious shoes that are apparently better for your arches
Looking for: Someone with insider trader knowledge, or a casual hookup
Looking for: Someone to drag out of bed at 4am to hike with and help me braid my hair in a culturally insensitive way
Height: The only height that matters is the height my career will hit Hobbies/Special interests: No time for hobbies too busy on the grind, making money, investing, building an empire…oh and also coke
Height: 6’5” Hobbies/Special interests: Sun-In, hammocking, meditation, appreciating the beauty of the little things, and playing Riptide on the ukulele
THE GYM BRO Name: Maxxxxxx Age: 24
THE “ALPHA” MALE
THE “MODERATE”
Sign: The only sign I care about is the one outside Crunch Fitness
Name: @HighValueDick
Name: Tucker Christian Jr.
Age: 36
Age: 29
Career: Hogging the free weights all day
Sign: Signs are just the matrix’s way of keeping you beta
Sign: I don’t believe in witchcraft
Looking for: Someone to lift with (aka someone to film all my thirst traps for my fitness TikTok)
Career: Clawing my way up Andrew Tate’s butt millimeter by millimeter
Height: The only measurement I believe in in my muscle mass to fat ratio Hobbies/Special interests: Making plain salted chicken, cutting deep arm holes into muscle tanks so I can look slutty at the gym, and lowkey having a toxic relationship with carbs
Looking for: A high value, virgin (underage) woman with no thoughts, opinions, or goals so I can mold (groom) her into the perfect woman (child bride) Height: Intentionally left blank Hobbies/Special interests: My podcast
Career: Being socially liberal but fiscally conservative …but for sure voting against women’s rights Looking for: The mother of my future white, blue-eyed babies Height: 6’0” Hobbies/Special interests: Morgan Wallen, playing devil’s advocate…I mean if you think about it Ben Shapiro does have a point.
THE POST GRAD GAZETTE, FEBRUARY 13, 2024
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