THE FIVE HORSEMEN OF THE HINGE APOCALYPSE

aka the five men you will most definitely find on Hinge

by Rachel Loring

The Finance Bro

Name: Brad “Belford” Chadderson

Age: 28

Sign: I only believe in the stock market

Career: Cosplaying Leonardo DiCaprio in “The Wolf of Wall Street”

Looking for: Someone with insider trader knowledge, or a casual hookup

Height: The only height that matters is the height my career will hit

Hobbies/Special interests: No time for hobbies too busy on the grind, making money, investing, building an empire…oh and also coke

The Gym Bro

Name: Maxxxxxx

Age: 24

Sign: The only sign I care about is the one outside Crunch Fitness

Career: Hogging the free weights all day

Looking for: Someone to lift with (aka someone to film all my thirst traps for my fitness TikTok)

Height: The only measurement I believe in in my muscle mass to fat ratio Hobbies/Special interests: Making plain salted chicken, cutting deep arm holes into muscle tanks so I can look slutty at the gym, and lowkey having a toxic relationship with carbs

THE “ALPHA” MALE

Name: @HighValueDick

Age: 36

Sign: Signs are just the matrix’s way of keeping you beta

Career: Clawing my way up Andrew Tate’s butt millimeter by millimeter

Looking for: A high value, virgin (underage) woman with no thoughts, opinions, or goals so I can mold (groom) her into the perfect woman (child bride)

Height: Intentionally left blank

Hobbies/Special interests: My podcast

The Crunchy Granola Bro

Name: Kyler Zander Sycamore

Age: 23

Sign: Do you want my sun, moon, or rising?

Career: Wearing atrocious shoes that are apparently better for your arches

Looking for: Someone to drag out of bed at 4am to hike with and help me braid my hair in a culturally insensitive way

Height: 6’5”

Hobbies/Special interests: Sun-In, hammocking, meditation, appreciating the beauty of the little things, and playing Riptide on the ukulele

THE “MODERATE”

Name: Tucker Christian Jr.

Age: 29

Sign: I don’t believe in witchcraft

Career: Being socially liberal but fiscally conservative …but for sure voting against women’s rights

Looking for: The mother of my future white, blue-eyed babies

Height: 6’0”

Hobbies/Special interests: Morgan Wallen, playing devil’s advocate…I mean if you think about it Ben Shapiro does have a point.