The MQ Volume 26 Issue 2 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“No one can tell when I’m lying… Alright, I’m lying.” -Donald Trump, President of the United States

Viewer beware, we’ve got articles to spare

October 30, 2019

Hitchcock’s “The Birds” Remake to Feature Bird Scooters

Volume XXVI Issue II

In This issue WHITE HOUSE HIRES PLUMBER TO FIX LEAKS

MANLY FLAVORS OFFERED FOR NEW MALE BIRTH CONTROL

POLITICAL PURSUIT: THE MQ CARD GAME

PHOTO By JACK YANG

Tickets for the movie start at $1, with 15 cents added per minute. By Pilan Scruggs

Staff Writer

fter 56 years, the Master of Suspense’s 1963 thriller “The Birds” still frightens cinemaphiles to the core. With fowl frenzies, gruesome injuries, and pecked-out eye cavities, the film has held up exceptionally well and become a genre classic. Now, director Martin Evans has announced his intent to remaster the film with plans for a 2023 release date to coincide with the 60th anniversary of the original. Evans, until now primarily working as an assistant producer for suspense films, reportedly wrote a rough draft of the film the morning after a bizarre dream. “It was amazing, as if I’d had some vision from beyond or whatever. I was able to take what was on the border between a bad dream and a nightmare and turn it into what has the chance to be a pretty awesome movie.” Thus far, details are

scarce, but Evans has leaked that the “birds” of his take will be none other than Bird scooters, which have recently started appearing in major cities across the nation. Rather than having vicious winged avians attack innocent civilians, he says that he wants to suggest a reality where the electric scooters have a significant role in terrorizing the population. “Right away I thought of zombies riding them or having some other way that Bird scooters would contribute to a massive pandemic, but then that seemed a bit too ridiculous even by today’s standards,” Evans commented, “so now I’m considering a setting where anthropomorphic scooters remain hidden from society. Initially they just murder their riders by carrying them into traffic, off of bridges, or into other pedestrians. But when humanity realizes their sentience, they become

much more aggressive and just attack everybody regardless of whether or not someone is riding them.” Evans explained that he ideally wants to use Bodega Bay as the setting as a tribute to Hitchcock’s original film, but stressed that it was not essential. If Bodega Bay’s residents refused his offer, Evans said that his next choices would be San Francisco or Seattle since it would be “ironic to set the film in a city that prohibits their use.” “I’m trying to go for a nottoo distant future vibe,” Evans said. “The film will not include any crazy technological leaps in order to really resonate with the audience and scare them into believing that this is conceivable. Of my industry friends that I have contacted, so far most of them like the basic framework, so I don’t expect to have too much trouble getting funding.” When asked why he decid-

ed to turn his dream into a film instead of brushing it off, Evans revealed his intense loathing of electric scooters. “Most of the time people who ride them are way too reckless. They think they’re so high and mighty and that everybody else must yield to them. They’re also pretty much impossible to hear until someone flies past you at 40 mph and nearly rips your arm out of its socket.” Evans revealed that he hopes his film will be both a tribute to his favorite director and an attack on reckless riders. “Ultimately, it’s about creating the element of fear. Wouldn’t you be less inclined to ride a Bird after watching a movie where they terrorized the local population?” However, Evans had no comment as to his film’s potential to dissuade children from riding traditional scooters.

PHOTO By jack yang

Sources report a stressed out student was heard saying, “I have a midterm tomorrow. If I get the plague, then I get the plague.” By Melina Cruz

Staff Writer DH has determined a solution for the overflowing population of students who require on-campus housing. After rejecting expansion of land, stacking bunk beds on top of bunk beds, and placing mattresses on Sun God lawn, the Housing Community has

decided on spreading a plague throughout the campus. “Here at UC San Diego, we pride ourselves in our readiness for any project imaginable,” said lab worker Diane Cortez. “We’ve managed to work endlessly for the past three months to bring back the Bubonic plague. We lost 10 lab workers in the process, but this is still a

very revolutionary moment.” The plague is to be spread amongst all of the housing complexes on campus, primarily focused on freshman dorms to “rule out the weak.” The strain will reportedly be weakened to avoid mass death or “planet destruction,” but the lab has stated they have “no promises about the final

UCSD WIFI POWERED BY NAKED MOLE RAT

sOCAL MOMS POISON TREES for fall aesthetic

News in Brief Meninists United Announces Petition to Rename “Herpes” to “Himpes” In response to the feminist movements’ emphasis on retelling herstory, prominent members from the meninist movement have decided that “it is our turn to reclaim a word.” Last week, Meninists United announced that they will officially be changing the name of the sexually transmitted disease “herpes” to “himpes.” Their mission statement for this project reads: “because men can have herpes, too.” Jordan Gordonson, an admin of the Facebook group “Meninism For All (men)” fully backs this change. “Women aren’t the

effects.” The plague, dubbed “Sun God’s Smite,” is expected to reduce the student population and overflow by almost 34 percent. “This is a good thing for both our housing crisis and for our school as a whole,” commented Chancellor Khosla.

See Plague page 2

Crashing plane prays to God

Local woman looks around too much

Prayers answered

Face now stuck that way

only ones who can have herpes,” he said, stretching in his “meggings” and sniffing a “mandle” on his desk, “it’s time we make STDs for men, too.” Meninists United’s petition, which has been shared over 10,000 times on Facebook, has received backlash from the medical community. Dr. Jonathan Pepper, an esteemed gynecologist, is confused by the meninist movement’s drive. “People can contract a sexually transmitted disease regardless of gender. I don’t even know why you’re asking me this.”

UCSD to Build Online Security System With Money Gained from Facebook Partnership Representatives from the UCSD Information Technology Services announced last Friday their plans to improve UCSD’s cybersecurity with funds secured from a partnership with Facebook. Trent Lou, a public representative for UCSD ITS, told reporters, “We have entered the 21st century where we are always in fear of our data being stolen and misused. We started working toward a secure future with our introduction of Two-Step Login. Unfortunately that only protects students from basic security breaches. But lucky for us, Mark Zuckerberg reached out to our esteemed university in the hopes that together we can create an

UCSD Announces New Solution to Student Housing Shortage: Plague

6,7

online environment where students feel that their personal information is being protected.” Starting in 2020 UCSD students will be expected to create a Facebook account to verify their email address, phone number, and street address before they are given access to their grades and course websites. From there, students can opt-out of a Fit-Bit program that will record their location, dietary habits, sleeping patterns, and biological makeup. Lou told students, “The Fit-Bits are for university use, and Facebook has promised to keep that data confidential. For the right price.”

Khosla Announces Halloween Costume — Sexy Chancellor Last week Chancellor Khosla made a public apology regarding his previous year’s costume. “I’m dearly sorry for scaring some of you with my costume last year. I’ll try not to send you fake emails anymore; I’ve realized some of you can’t take a fucking joke.” After his apology, Khosla announced he has decided to dress up as a sexy chancellor this coming Halloween. “I want to try and show you how it’s done. Back in my day, I used to get all the ladies. I’m sure nothing’s changed, just don’t tell my wife.”

Khosla went on to say how he would be “showing off his guns,” and “not wearing a suit for once.” One student speculated that he would also “shave that ugly rug off of his face.” Others disagreed, with one claiming “it hides his face, so I don’t know if that’s the best idea.” Khosla responded to the student’s statement, saying: “I’m not gonna shave, I’m growing it out for No-Shave November. And it ain’t the only challenge I’m gonna attempt this month,” he added, winking.

See BRIEFS, page 11

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Page 2

October 30, 2019

Local Pastor Promotes Foot Fetish to Combat Premarital Sex

continued from page 1:

Plague

“It’s like that survival of the fittest thing. Our students who remain are not only the brightest and most innovative, they have the ability to survive in a medieval feudal apocalypse scenario. We might as well make it another GE.” Reese Fernandez, a freshman living in Tenaya Hall, has stated the student body is divided on the decision. “We’re making the most of it. We’re gonna have a Bubonic Plague party, with coffins to chill in and those sick plague doctor masks. Whoever’s too freaked out has kinda just planned to hole up in their rooms and not go to class. Sucks to be them, but I’m going down partying.” “I would’ve preferred the 1918 Spanish Flu, but I guess the Black Death is cool,” says Lily Jones, a visual arts major. “If I catch it, I plan to spontaneously die on one of my canvases, with streaks of bright colors and condiments from the dining hall. It’s emotional and captivating, and a commentary on social prejudice surrounding our health.”

Since the plague is due to be released in less than a week, faculty and students alike have been hastily preparing for the Sun God’s Smite. The student body has lined up before the Sun God statue to offer sacrifices for “infinite health and the ability to not die.” Their offerings range from $500 worth of birdseed, a Mona Lisa painting that experts pointed out “might actually be the real thing,” and a statue of Chancellor Khosla made out of beef-flavored ramen. Wealthier students reportedly pooled their money together to add a Hydro Flask made of solid gold. “To be honest, this is the most community-driven and festive event this school has had in years,” Fernandez said, in the midst of taping up decorations for the Bubonic Plague party. “I feel like we all finally have come together as a school, and I think it’s like the coolest event this school has put on. We think it might even surpass this year’s Sun God Festival.”

PHOTO By Jay noonan

“Remember to leave a little space for Jesus. And socks. It’s sexier with the socks on anyways,” said Pastor Frietche. by Jerry Wu

Staff Writer

his past Thursday, passing out miniature feetshaped flyers and raffling an XXX Tesla Foot Massager 4000, Bob Frietche, the 75-year-old pastor of Humperdinck Church in Torrey Hills, was seen proselytizing his Christians For Foot Fetishes Association (CFFFA) to the UCSD populace. The CFFFA promotes foot fetishes as a safer, “holier” alternative to premarital sex. “Go at it all you want, so long as it’s with your feet,” says Frietche. “Our Lord put your feet and your sexy parts next to each other in your brain so that you wouldn’t need to lose your virginities. You can explore your sexual desires without violating your relationship with God. This was the way it God meant it!” Frietche is well-versed in the non-religious side of the foot-fetish issue as well. “It’s a lot cheaper compared to other fetishes. There’s no need for high-quality toys, elaborate costumes, and multi-lever har-

ness systems which you have to buy discreetly on Craigslist.” When prompted on why he knew so many details about other sexual fetishes, Friechte turned away from reporters to offer fist bumps to a passing group of Alpha Phi Kappa fraternity brothers. None of his fist bumps were returned. Witnesses say that students were avoiding Frietche, citing his “barrage of footshaped flyers, the dull smell of cheap cologne, and rank sweat of an old man” as reasons for walking away. When informed about this, Frietche remained unfazed. “They’ll be back. They always come back.” Sources later reported that Frietche failed to attract a single student for the day. Responding to the many complaints of the Jehovah’s Witness members also advertising on Library Walk that Friday, campus security officers approached Frietche and asked him to leave the premises. Frietche reportedly tried numerous times to convince the officers to “repent for your sexual sins

and look at feet instead.” One officer, Westen Toeintino, took a flyer, however he along with the other officers insisted that Frietche leave. Citing Luke 7:36-50, Frietche, “fuming with religious rage,” turned to the group of onlooking students screaming, “If Jesus let that whore touch his feet, you can too!” Following his announcement, Frietche disappeared in what religious experts consider “a purple poof of perfect logic and sexual loopholes,” leaving behind his foot-shaped flyers, and the XXX Tesla Foot Massager 4000 for the raffle number 43110. “The device has been left at the UCSD Parcel Center and will be returned to Frietche if nobody claims it within five business days,” shared a UCSD campus security representative. The CFFFA is not alone in its effort to spread other alternatives to combat the rise in premarital sex. Other organizations have embraced anal sex as another alternative. The Anabaptists Association for Anal (AAA) has promoted

anal sex as their method of choice. “Preventing vaginal penetration by male genitalia is the utmost concern to us and to our creator,” said Molly Flanders, head of the AAA. Flanders explained they support gay sexual relationships, as long as it is “strictly sexual and nothing but,” citing Leviticus 18:22. “For heterosexual relationships, we endorse anal sex both ways: guy-ongirl and girl-on-guy action.” To support the latter cause, AAA has invested hundreds of thousands of dollars to create a supply chain for premium Tesla X-4000 Strap-Ons for the reduced price of $15.99. Molly Flanders claims she is “proud to be combating one of the world’s most pressing issues, one strap-on at a time.” After Frietche’s disappearance, students were seen periodically digging through the trash bins where campus janitors had deposited the posters. Officer Toentino has recently admitted to switching to appreciating his girlfriend’s toes instead of engaging in safe, premarital sex.

This is the last straw. We ate all the other ones

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief..............................Jay Noonan Managing Editor......................Dan Kaliblotzky Content Editor............................Steven Zhou Content Editor.......................Dexter Hamilton Design Editor.............................Miranda May Design Editor.............................Natalia Nenn

Graphics Editor..............................Jack Yang Copy Editor.............................Adian Valdez Social/Publicity Chair..............Andrew Sitko

Distribution Captain..............Adam Yoshinaga Foreign Correspondent.......Stephen Lightfoot

MQ Scary Godmother...................Sage Cristal MQ Trophy Widower......David Vereau-Gorbitz MQ Bumbling Dead..........................Chris Jin MQ Ancestral Ghost.......................Jessica Ma Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne Muir Advisor............................ Nathan Harper

Staff Members

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The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2019 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. Great production everyone! I want to welcome all of our new staff writers, so many of you came out this weekend to get involved and produced some great content. It was wonderful seeing all the amazing graphics, articles, and everything else that we were able to create together. I know it’s still early in the year, but I hope you can all keep coming out and having fun with us. I also want to wish our wonderful advisor Ann good luck with her new position, we’re all going to miss you. You’ve been with us for so many years and we’re so thankful for everything you’ve done for us. For everyone who couldn’t make it out this time, we hope you can come around next time and we hope you keep gifting us with your wonderful content. Happy Halloween and have a great rest of the quarter! - Jay

Adriana Aguilar Katlyn Andrade Brianne Arce Ayushi Banjerjee Mariah Barrios Shantelle Brooks Isaac Canada Valeria Castro Jade Coniglio Ethan Coston Beans Cox Melina Cruz

Aniela Drumonde Kayla DuPont Tiffany Hamilton Rowan HernandezCosme Jan Hsiao Andrew Keller Daniel Kupor Jina Lee Haana Leung Heather Lim Matthew Miltimore

Keshav Mittal Hanaa Moosavi Chester Ni Elizabeth Niculescu Kaz Nuckowski Avaneesh Pentaparthy Massimo Quintero Robert Renfro Sharon Roth Isabelle Rupani Luis Alex Sanchez

Pilan Scruggs Ronak Shah Vanessa Tian Arthur Torres Quoc Tran Benjamin Velasco Silver Wallace Sarah Wernher Jerry Wu Kate Zegans

Booster Club BOO! Did I scare you? Well I was shocked by the absolutely stunning generosity of various MQers in providing snacks this production! Thanks to Brie, Miranda, Kate, Jack, Adian, and Andrew for contributing Dining Dollars to the cause. Thanks to Jerry for consistent watermelon action and Natalia for your spectacular personality (I forgot what food you bought). Thanks to David for the luxurious box of bagels, Sage for the decadent cupcakes, and Haana for the talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular coffee. Finally, thanks to Oreo, milk’s favorite cookie.

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October 30, 2019

UCSD Ranked #1 University by “Getting Hit by a Bike” Magazine

Page 3

Increase of Missing Hydro Flasks as “WSCO” Cult Expands

PHOTO By Jack yang

The pictured thief reportedly got away from the scene by disappearing into a huge cloud of paper straws. by Shantelle Brooks

A Reporters state that as soon as the interview was finished, another bike crash occurred outside the studio. by Robert Renfro Staff Writer

C San Diego has been honored with the coveted #1 ranking for the first time on “Getting Hit by a Bike” Magazine’s annual list of top colleges and universities. The list is based on a complex formula that factors in all aspects of an institution, such as student outcomes, research contributions, the likelihood of jogging the wrong way in a bike lane, and other important aspects of transportation misengineering. Representative Art Marble said it was “no surprise” that UCSD had finally received the coveted ranking, adding, “Frankly, I’m surprised we

hadn’t won sooner. It’s nice to finally get some recognition from the fine algorithims at Getting Hit by a Bike Magazine. Our goal as an institution, as written in our charter or whatever, is to make it structurally inconceivable to move safely through 3-D space like a human in a functional society would do. We do our due diligence and make sure that there are no normal ways of going anywhere. Instead we pride ourselves on random narrow pathways through forests that we ourselves planted — they weren’t here to begin with — and be sure to have the correct amount of hazardous goofy and distracting art, such as ‘Pole,’ the ‘Sneaky Sidewalk,’ and ‘Other Poles

with Blue,’ as they are officially known. We feel this atmosphere is most conducive to an environment where no one is safe from a sick wheelie.” Some however, have alleged that the university is merely gaming the formula at the expense of truly deserving the #1 spot, including one student who stated, “Think about it, how many times have you actually been hit by a bike? It’s probably less than nine. We were all lied to about how many times we were going to get hit by bikes. So how come we won then? Think about it. Do your own research. The parking, the construction, the fees, The Man wants more bikes to move us up in the rankings without putting in the real

PHOTO By JACK YANG

work necessary to ensure that every single student has an opportunity to get blindsided by a Pennyfarthing. Wake up.” Others remain excited about the new list. One freshman noted, “Yeah, I remain excited about the new list. In fact, my parents told me go here because of this ranking, so I’d better have at least broken an arm by the end of winter quarter otherwise this will have been a huge waste of time.” The ranking comes just a few weeks after UCSD lost it’s #1 ranking to Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau in the “The Inexplicably Basing a Party Around Doing Blackface” Times.

White House Hires Plumber to Fix Leaks

Staff Writer

mber Alerts across the UCSD campus continue to disturb students and faculty as an increasing amount of Hydro Flasks are reported missing. Many reported seeing a person with a shell necklace taking hydros left behind in lectures. An alarming number of people that match this description has made the search for the culprit difficult, as the number of people wearing shell accessories, large shirts, and an overwhelming amount of scrunchies is still growing. UCSD Police Dept. claims that this is the doing of the emerging cult that goes by the name of “Women Seeking Chic Objects,” or WSCO, which shows no signs of slowing down its influence. The string of thefts began during Week 1 of fall quarter, when multiple Amber Alerts describing pastel colored Hydro Flasks adorned with ‘sk8er boy’ stickers were stolen after they were accidentally left behind. Many students throughout the campus are on edge, with some going to creative lengths to protect their bottles. “I lost a Hydro Flask I’ve been using since high school,” said one victim of the thefts. “I’m so scared of how basic these girls are, I’ve started to carry my new bottle in a paper bag so they can’t tell what it is.” Amidst the missing flasks, students also reported many in-class disruptions by the members of the cult in their lectures. Karma Santinos, a local sophomore, stated, “These students in my lectures that look like surfer

bitches are always dropping their hydros in the middle of class. They laugh really weird too, it sounds like a snake having a seizure.” Other student reports include allegations of harassment, including scrunchy throwing, excessive promotion of Starbucks sippy cups, and having an overbearing opposition to plastic straws while ignoring all other forms of plastic waste. As one student reported: “I’m just constantly being bombarded by the messages from these people. I got hit by a rain of scrunchies when these girls thought I was about to throw away my metal straw. Can these bitches get any more crazy?” When questioning members of this strange group, investigators would report receiving useless responses as, “Save the turtles,” a string of “vaguely liberal” noises, and judgment on their perfume preference. As UCSD campus security continues to spread awareness about the disruptive culture of WSCO, students across campus have begun to take preventative measures against further theft, such as remembering that they have their hydros with them, exercising caution with classmates who use “basic liberal” vernacular, and using plastic straws along with the sippy lid at the same time to reassert their standing. “It is imperative to not let your guard down around these women,” said Officer Keith Jones in a public statement. “They’re on a rampage, but God help me they can’t take us all down.”

TOP Ten Ways to Get Free Candy Without Trick-or-Treating

“No offense to my boss, but duct tape can’t really fix these leaks,” said Secretary Stewart. by Quoc Tran Staff Writer

hite House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney announced on Tuesday the addition of a new position to the United States Cabinet: the Secretary of Plumbing. Following recent leaks that have damaged the reputation of President Donald Trump and his administration, the White House has named Marion Stewart as the acting Secretary of Plumbing, who is primarily tasked with repairing the numerous leaks that have come out of the White House. Stewart’s appointment is still pending Senate confirmation, and it is still unclear whether Stewart’s confirmation hearing will be a contentious one as neither party has yet released an official

position on plumbing. However, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer has been known to support welding. Like many cabinet members of the Trump administration, Stewart is a newcomer to public service, having spent the first 14 years of his career as a general handyman serving the greater Houston area. State and city records show that Stewart only started his apprenticeship in plumbing in 2004 and changed his business card from “Handyman” to “Plumber” in 2008. Explaining his appointment of the relatively inexperienced plumber on Twitter, President Trump said, “He is a very enthusiastic plumber, maybe even one of the top 10 in the Houston area. He even agreed to come on a Sunday

to repair my clogged drain,” followed by five star emojis. The tweet was directly copied from an Angie’s List review of Stewart by Martha Johnson of Galveston, Texas. Mr. Stewart’s appointment was met with surprise, considering no new cabinet positions had been added since 2002 when President Bush appointed Tom Ridge as the Secretary of Homeland Security following the September 11th terrorist attacks. The Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, was reportedly perplexed but affirmed his support for Stewart’s nomination. “I don’t see why the White House would need a plumber to fix these leaks, but I’m sure that President Trump’s choice is the right one. I once asked him for a recommen-

PHOTO By jade coniglio

dation for an electrician for my house and he gave me a recommendation for his son-in-law, Jared.” Other politicians in Washington received the news with varying levels of enthusiasm. The Green Party nominee in the 2016 Presidential election, Jill Stein, spoke highly of the choice, calling the White House’s move to eliminate leaks from the administration one that “champions the cause of water conservation.” Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was “just as confused about the choice of Mr. Stewart as the Secretary of Plumbing as many others,” but reflected on the appointment, musing, “maybe we should have gotten Hillary a plumber in 2016.”

10. Have your little brother do it for you 9. Take it from a baby 8. Find yourself a sugar daddy 7. Visit your grandma, she has a whole bowl of them waiting 6. Go to Costco and walk by the free samples counter multiple times 5. Call this number: (803) 603-6357 4. Stoop to the level of eating those Almond Joys from last year 3. Visit different pediatrician’s offices to take little lollipops 2. Wait for it to rain so you can taste the rainbow 1. Stop being yourself until someone hands you a Snickers Hot off the presses oh god we have third degree burns

THE MQ

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Page 4

October 30, 2019

theMQ.org

Manly Flavors Offered for New Male Birth Control

Local Student Outraged That Nobody Cares He is TikTok Famous

PHOTO By jade coniglio

After the incident, Adamec received an endorsement offer from IHOP. By Beans Cox

Unlike women’s birth control, this can be purchased over the counter, and at lower prices. by Matthew Miltimore Staff Writer

n an effort to make hormonal birth control options more appealing to young men, researchers at the National Institute of Health have decided to add multiple flavor options. These include, but are not limited to: Wolfhorn, Volcano, and BMX Battle Bot. The decision comes after clinical trials for an oral birth control option for men were found to have functional success. Yet, as the pill begins its move to the open market, pharmaceutical companies have raised concerns regarding the product’s marketability. George McSmith, head of marketing for Pfizer, said that “People don’t just want to not have children, they want to buy a product that says ‘hey, I’m a functioning young man with taste, class, and a love for

the outdoors,’ like every real man does. The best way to communicate that? A bright red bottle of birth control pills covered with pictures of jaguars, old sail boats, and mountain landscapes.” These marketing concerns have led the National Institute of Health to continue the study with these newly flavored pills. However, some researchers have expressed discontent regarding the decision. “The desire to have control over one’s sex life has been more than enough to encourage the participants to take the drug,” remarked Julia Charles, a biologist helping to oversee the clinical trials. “The people in our trial don’t need these flashy flavors.” When approached with this information, McSmith said, “What’s that? Sorry I was zoning out thinking about which absolutely jacked athlete to hire for

the ad campaign.” The choice to add flavor to these pills is not the first case in which a pharmaceutical company has tried to add panache to the marketing of male hormonal birth control. In 2016, following the clinical success of a topical gel that blocks sperm production, pharmaceutical company Allergen recommended that the researchers make the gel not only a form of birth control, but a three-in-one birth control, body wash, and shampoo product. The idea was scrapped after participants in a subsequent trial reported “a rash so intense it makes shingles feel like Aveeno aftershave.” Despite the failures of previous attempts at male contraceptives, this round may find success as participants in the latest study have responded positively. “At first I didn’t get

PHOTO By sharon roth

it. I mean, what does a Bear Glove pill taste like?” asked Jim Klein, a participant in the most recent trial. “Turns out it tastes like if mayonnaise and Orange Fanta were served in a rusted canteen. Not bad.” Others remain happy to be a part of this emerging means of family planning. “The new flavors are nice, I suppose, but I’m just thankful that I have a reliable method of birth control,” remarked Ronald Brown, “I’m also glad I’m not one of the poor suckers in the placebo group. Right?” Whether this new contraceptive finds its way to the market remains to be seen, though it will likely be years before this come to fruition. “I can’t wait!” said McSmith, while writing a letter on behalf of the National Institute of Health sending regards to Mr. Brown and his partner wishing them a healthy pregnancy.

Taylor-Made: Taylor and Grizelda Review the Hot Halloween Party Spots Taylor: Hey boys and girls, I’m Taylor, and welcome to my podcast, Taylor-Made! I’ve made my way around the circuit parties, and I know where to go to look like you’re having fun! My best girlfriend Grizelda and I are going to go through the popping parties we’ve heard about for this Halloweekend. As soon as Griz-griz gets here, we’re going to get started! I’m supes excited. Here she comes now! [Grizelda rides in on a broom. Not flying, just with a broom between her legs.] Grizelda: Hee hee hee! Sorry I’m late, my pretty, but I was busy putting bones of newt in my bubbling cauldron to feed the spirits at the All Hallow’s Eve haunting later this evening! Taylor: Grizzy, you’re so funny! Anyways, our first spot is the Bat Bitches Bar. I was totally just wandering around and I fell right into Bradley Cooper’s arms while he raised his hand to say hi to some random, irrelevant other person! It was such a meet cute. We got shots in tiny cups with little bats on them, and I got too drunk to remember the rest! It was some total Star is Born shit.

[Grizelda notices Taylor is done speaking and proceeds to play a sound effect of a bubbling cauldron from her phone under the table.] Grizelda: Bubble, bubble, boil and bubble! Hee hee hee! Yes, yes! The Bat Bitches bar suited my dark deeds quite well. Except for the one broken purple spotlight, this location contains only a dated disco floor to illuminate the dark space. I was able to sit in a corner and plot my destruction of the naughty pests who I will squish this coming haunted festival! Taylor: Wow Zelds, yeah, mood! Did I ever tell you I met Bradley Cooper? You heard that, right? It’s probably on my Insta. [Grizelda is scrolling through Twitter, and accidentally plays out loud a video of a dog barking at its reflection in a mirror, then hurriedly shuts it off and looks up in embarrassment.] Grizelda: Silly boy! You have no sense of proportion of the dark deeds I will commit on the night of Halloween! My journey last Saturday took me to an event playing in succession numerous films of a festively themed variety! I grinned my yellowed teeth at

Halloweentown, I sang along to Hocus Pocus, and I cried at Spooky Buddies! Taylor: Oh my god, bitch, yes! Grizzizzy, those movies are my whole childhood! They’re playing Rocky Horror next Saturday. Are you down? [Grizelda pauses.] Grizelda: Oh, uh … Are you actually asking? Aren’t we recording your podcast right now? Taylor: Yeah, but like, when I get an ad deal, I’ll just put that in right here, so we can just end it here. Also, I’m kind of high right now, so I’ll probably forget to ask you later. [Grizelda looks through her calendar, and sees that she does, in fact, have something scheduled over that time, but she’s too anxious to say anything about it because she thinks this is her only chance to go to a party with someone as cool as Taylor.] Grizelda: Sounds good! Taylor: Hey, beauties! I want to tell you about a STUNNING new product from my good friends at Thingz ‘N Stughf! I was totally shook when they told me about their new scent, Geighbayte. Guys started asking me for my phone numbers right on the street, and this time it’s not because I ran into their car when I was parallel parking! Thanks for listening, queens!

Staff Writer here was an incident at the La Jolla Denny’s last Friday when servers refused to give local student Nolan Adamec his food for free. Adamec is quoted saying, “I am this generation’s leading artistic visionary — I shouldn’t have to pay for my goddamn Grand Slam.” The Denny’s waitress responded with, “I’m getting paid minimum wage, I have thousands of dollars of student loans, nobody tips anymore, and I don’t even know what TikTok is.” After the spat, Nolan claims he rolled home on his ESkateboard and promptly left a scathing Yelp review. Nolan Adamec (@nolanisbae69) recently found “fame” on TikTok, a social media video app popular among teenagers and young adults. According to a report from the Center for Disease Control, who had apparently misunderstood of the term ‘viral video,’ said that “TikTok, a worse version of Musically, which is a worse version of Vine, is a platform for teens to poorly lip sync to song while in provocative outfits. The app also features parents of broken families desperately trying to connect with their middle school aged stepchildren.” Adamec has posted many videos, ranging from him throwing his peanut butter bagel into a wall to him attempting a keg stand. His most popular video, raking up 2.7 million views and 121,000 likes, is a six-second clip of him wearing Crocs filled with

cottage cheese. “Tik Tok is a form of poetry,” says Adamec, “Denying my fame is like ignoring the fame of...” Adamec then spent two and a half minutes trying to come up with the name of a single famous poet. The closest he got was “Elmer Apple Poe” and “Emily Cock-inston.” This is the third outburst Nolan has had this month regarding a “lack of appreciation for artistic visionaries.” The first was when a local coffee shop played the song Sunflower by Rex Orange County. Nolan says, “ROC is my band, and I only listen to underground music, not coffee shop music.” The next incident was when a classmate refused to send Nolan nudes. “She didn’t understand,” said Nolan, “I’m not like those other pervy guys. I’m an artist.” His classmate refused to comment on the incident. Nolan’s Mother, Christina Adamec, was Nolan’s first TikTok follower. She says “I We’ve always known Nolan was special, but he’s been strange ever since he downloaded TikTok. All the power has gone to his head. He dresses so different now: striped long sleeves, beanies, black nail polish, chains, and he now parts his hair in the middle. I don’t really know. TikTok is confusing — I just recently figured out Facebook. I’m just glad Nolan has a creative outlet. His father and I are very proud of his success. ” Nolan’s father, David Adamec, had a much more simple statement: “I’m petitioning for a 76th trimester abortion.”

TOP Ten

Reasons to Impeach the Chancellor 10. You paid him a lot of money, and he didn’t fulfill his end of the deal 9. He took away your parking. Again 8. He tried building a college over your personal garage 7. It’s impeachment season, and the crowd is hungry 6. He gives out toothbrushes at Halloween 5. We’re running out of jokes, and we want a new chancellor to make fun of 4. You invited him to your birthday party, but he didn’t invite you to his 3. He lives in a mansion while you live in triples that are supposed to be doubles 2. He won’t respond to your fan mail 1. He sent you one too many spam emails

Censored by 12 governments

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Headless Horseman Accepted into UCSD, Considered “Perfect Fit” for Campus

UCSD and MTS to Introduce A, B, S, & D Transit Passes

PHOTO By jay noonan

“I thought San Diego had a really good public transit system, but they really just threw us under the bus,” shared a student. By Isaac Canada The Headless Horseman reportedly felt stress at one point in his life, but “just got over it.” By Aniela Drumonde Staff Writer

n a move one anonymous source believed was “more of an accident than anything,” it has been announced that the Headless Horseman has been selected to be the first prospective student of Seventh College. The UCSD Admissions Committee has cited the Headless Horseman’s “brainless, mindless personality to be a perfect fit for the mind-numbing, overly competitive atmosphere we are trying to develop at UCSD.” The Headless Horseman, currently a New York resident, plans to officially tour the campus on Friday, November 1st, but has admitted to already stalking the bike paths looking for the best study areas to haunt. “I do like the oppressive silence of the library, and the mind-breaking stress that occurs there, but I find myself most partial to all the lurking I

could do in the brush outside the library building itself. I can study for whatever classes I have while also finding out if Becky’s relationship with her boyfriend on the east coast will work out while she juggles 8 a.m.’s and beating the curve for her 20 page paper that in no way relates to her future career.” “I’m not sure why the school is trying to promote toxic campus culture regarding personal care and mental health,” shared Andrea White, a third-year Economics student. “People are literally hurting themselves every day, and UCSD is treating this issue like a badge of honor or something.” Despite the concerns raised, the Headless Horseman reportedly appreciates the campus’s lack of mental health resources. “I’m very good at separating all the different parts of my life. Nothing like losing your head

to get you to forget about the little thoughts that might get to you, like ‘Why am I so anxious over nothing?’ and, ‘I feel like I’m gonna die if I don’t pass this exam.’ Just get over it, it’s not like excessive stress is bad for your health or anything.” When asked about why the school was not putting more funding into mental health resources, a spokesperson for UCSD reportedly laughed and insisted the administration understands the issue and will “just bring in more therapy puppies this year. Hiring actual professionals will take away funding for construction and our salaries.” Since the announcement, an additional session has been added to the UCSD therapy puppy event at Price Center. When questioned on what she thinks about UCSD’s rationale behind accepting the Headless Horseman as a student, thirdyear student Sophie Green re-

PHOTO By jack yang

plied, “Yeah, I’m not surprised the people behind admissions don’t care about us current students. Regardless, I need all the mental health help I can get. The next period I could get in to talk to a licensed professional at the Mental Health Office is in two months. Let me have this. Just this one thing. Please. Let me have this one thing.” Following the interview, Green continued to pet the therapy puppies until a chime from her phone went off, and she ran off, complaining about changes to the syllabus. The Headless Horseman remains confident that UCSD students will stop complaining about the lack of mental health resources and eventually adopt the “mindless, robotic” campus culture that he represents once he enters the school. “Why be anxious when it’s so easy to stop thinking about anything? Just do what I did and cut your head off.”

UCSD Student in DEI Lecture Looks Forward to Making Casually Racist Comment

By Sage Cristal

arly this morning a group of UCSD students contacted university officials with concerns that a fellow classmate was preparing to make a string of racist comments in response to their professor’s lecture on racial bias. The student in question, third-year Bryn Hannigan, was sitting in the front row of an EDS 111 lecture discussing a question posed by the instructor of the course, Professor Barnes Magdalin, on the existence of reverse racism. One of the students who contacted university officials, third-year Jamie Cravik, told reporters, “Bryn usually has something to say about every lecture topic, and usually those things are composed of microaggressions and blatantly prejudiced opinions. Just last Thursday Bryn tried to make the argument that skin color was a determining factor of IQ,

and then said that his IQ was equivalent to Einstein’s because they’re both white. Not one person in lecture believed Bryn had an IQ over 120. “ University officials revealed to reporters that this was not the first time they received a complaint about Hannigan’s behavior in classes. An anonymous source at the Office of Student Conduct shared Hannigan’s file with reporters. The file revealed that Hannigan has a history of making classmates uncomfortable, often under the guise of “playing devil’s advocate.” Hannigan’s file also showed that rather than being reprimanded by university officials for their problematic comments, Hannigan and the Office of Student Conduct worked out a deal that for every complaint received about Hannigan, he would have to take another DEI course. As of now, Hannigan has taken

fter years of complaints about overcrowding on Metropolitan Transit Service buses at UCSD, MTS and UCSD have announced a partnership to completely overhaul the MTS fare system and bus network. UCSD will assist MTS in creating a fare system similar to UCSD’s parking permit system, including the core A, B, and S permits, and the newer D permits, replicated as transit passes. “We’re really excited about adopting UCSD’s excellent parking management into our world-class transit system,” explained an MTS spokesperson. “This new fare ordinance will ensure all passengers have easy access to services, while encouraging alternative modes of transportation, like single-occupancy vehicles.” “We know people will ride transit when it is proximate, frequent, and time-competitive with personal automobiles. To limit demand, we did things like having an hour headway on Route 31, not running Route 237 during midday, and slashing weekend service, but it hasn’t been enough, even after dragging our feet on transit priority at traffic signals,” explained MTS. Overcrowding on the SuperLoop and inconsistent arrivals were given as examples of reasons to reduce ridership. A and B passes will grant passengers full access to all MTS services, including priority boarding for A pass holders. More congested routes will also feature reserved “A 24/7” seating. Holders of “Official Business” and “Contractor” passes will have access to a second pull cord to “un-request” a requested stop. Reserved passes will allow passengers

to summon a private bus on demand. S pass holders, limited to 5 percent of the student body, are able to board as standees after all A and B pass holders have boarded. D pass holders are limited to using certain routes, buses, and stops. Currently, the closest D stop to UCSD campus is the UTC transit center. Professor Johnston Profk of the UCSD Physics Department and UTC resident called the new changes excellent, saying, “No longer will I need to worry about being passed by three full buses on my way to work in the morning. Now my commute, door to door, should only take about 15 minutes thanks to the stop by York Hall. I know hundreds of thousands of San Diegans are being screwed, but there just aren’t enough bus seats. We need to be encouraging other ways to get around.” MTS has added that all one-ways, currently priced at $2.50, will be increased to $30, or $15 for seniors. MTS expects to increase A and B pass prices by approximately 3-5 percent each year, while S passes will increase approximately 10-25 percent each year. D passes will remain stable until the opening of the trolley extension, at which point MTS says they may need to substantially increase D pass prices to mitigate increased demand. MTS says the increases are necessary to fund increased transit service to meet demand, which will mostly be available to A and sometimes B pass holders. “We really hope this will allow us to move to a sustainable revenue model with services at a variety of price points, while listening to the feedback of our most important riders,” said a MTS spokesperson while physically shoving passengers onto a SuperLoop bus.

PHOTO By jack yang

Magdalin “immediately regretted” making attendance mandatory. MQ Scary Godmother

Staff Writer

eight DEI courses. Cravik continued telling reporters, “I knew he was trouble ever since the first day of class when he walked into lecture wearing his Minecraft Creeper hoodie and Attack on Titan backpack. When the professor told us the class was going to be about the nonexistence of reverse racism, Bryn raised his hand and said that he experienced reverse racism because he, as a white person, had been treated poorly because of his Irish background. Immediately a bunch of hands shot up to respond to Bryn, and now you can expect that response every time Bryn says something in class.” When reached for comment, Hannigan told reporters, “I understand that I have a reputation for triggering snowflakes, but it’s my first amendment right to share my knowledge and wisdom with

my classmates. Have I gotten in trouble for what I have said? Sure. Do I look forward to speaking in class? Yes. Is it because my only friends are the ones in my League of Legends group? Absolutely. But I think eventually my classmates will find that I speak the truth, and then they will realize that these DEI courses are for beta cucks and SJWs who would rather have friends than be edgy. It’s ridiculous that I even have to learn about this social justice BS. I know plenty of gay people. Or at least, we call each other gay.” The Office of Student Conduct said in a statement to the press that they do not support Hannigan’s comments, and that they hope Hannigan will learn to be a more tolerant person in their next DEI course.

Trapped in the booster seats since 1988

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October 30, 2019

Political Pu rsuit

Uh oh! It’s almost election day, and Americans are divided 50/50 between two underdog nominations for the 2020 Presidential election! Cornstalk, Nebraska holds one percent of the electoral vote in a centrist community, and the vote is split evenly for each candidate. Supporters of each party scramble to campaign for their party’s candidates in this small town to swing the election in their favor. Political Pursuit is a land-grab game that consists of 20 turns where each political party must deploy prominent activists in the town to sway the public vote. Be wary though, activists bring their own … erm … strategies to the table. The candidate with the most activists in the town on the day of the vote will swing the crowd and become the new President of the United States!

Rules: The player with the largest amount of cash on them starts the game, and each player draws three cards from their party’s deck. At the beginning of your turn, you must place an activist, THEN play ONE card from your hand. The effects of the card carry out to completion, and then the action card is discarded unless told otherwise. After the effects are carried out, THEN you draw ONE card from the deck and your turn ends. The next player then starts their turn. The game ends after an accumulative 20 turns have been taken, and the player with the most activists on the board at the END of the game wins!

Democrats

Republicans

Investigative Journalism

Obama Endorsement

Trump Card

Trickle Down Influence

Effect: Next action played can be played ANYWHERE on the board. DO NOT DISCARD UNTIL NEXT ACTION IS PLAYED.

Effect: Fill an entire vertical column with activists, replace any of the other party.

Effect: Pull an Action from the discard pile and play it this turn. “What’s your take on bedtime after 9 p.m.?”

Effect: Fill and replace all activists adjacent to the last activist placed with your activists. “Do y’all miss me yet?”

Do you think this works in court?

Republicans

“No, you don’t get it. I took all the risks.”

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Democrats

Mainstream Media

AOC’s Squad

Walton Family Donation

Effect: Remove last activist placed and all activists adjacent to them.

Effect: Place an extra activist. Adjacent spaces vertically and horizontally to the activist cannot be played upon during opponent’s next turn.

Effect: Place an extra activist. Adjacent spaces vertically and horizontally to the activist cannot be played upon during opponent’s next turn. Don’t change the channel, or you might miss the 17th consecutive hour of the same conversation!

Like Charlie’s Angels, but political.

Republicans

The ultimate sugar daddies.

Republicans

Russian Hackers Effect: Remove last activist placed and all activists adjacent to them. What collusion? The one Trump mentioned on national TV?

Democrats

Republicans

The Young Vote

Pack the Court

The Boomer Vote

Gerrymandering

Effect: Place three additional activists this turn.

Effect: Place additional activists ONEWAY horizontally until touching the town’s edge or another activist.

Effect: Place three additional activists this turn.

Effect: Place additional activists ONEWAY horizontally until touching the town’s edge or another activist.

Buy them off today! Only 50 cents a pack!

“Back in my day, we walked uphill BOTH ways to the ballot box.”

Democrats

Republicans

The Popular Vote

Character Assassination

Build The Wall!

Obstruction of Justice

Effect: Place additional activists ONEWAY vertically until touching the town’s edge or another activist.

Effect: Remove last placed activist and an activist of your choice.

Effect: Place additional activists ONEWAY vertically until touching the town’s edge or another activist.

Effect: Remove last placed activist and an activist of your choice

Please. We’re begging you.

Democrats

Your vote matters … a little.

Hill Bill Volume 2

Ladder sales went up by 300 percent.

“And in this district, we put all the little bitches.”

Republicans

Build a man a fire, he’ll be warm for a night. Teach him to light evidence on fire, he’ll be warm forever.

Democrats

Republicans

Democratic Debate

Breaking Up Big Tech

The NRA

Scare Tactics

Effect: Remove all activists horizontal of last placed activist.

Effect: Remove all activists vertical of last placed activist.

Effect: Remove all activists horizontal of last placed activist.

Effect: Remove all activists vertical of last placed activist.

“Give it to me! IT’S MINE!”

Bigger is not always better.

“Guns don’t kill people. I kill people.”

Ahhhhh, progress!!!

Democrats

Republicans

Impeachment Effect: Replace ONE adjacent activist to your last placed activist with one of your own It’ll be different than the last two times, we swear!

Rent Control Effect: Reverse ALL adjacent activists around last activist placed. Why increase supply when you can increase demand?

Republicans

The Electoral College

White Flight

Effect: Replace ONE adjacent activist to your last placed activist with one of your own

Effect: Reverse ALL adjacent activists around last activist placed.

Wait, people live there?

“I’m leaving and I’m taking my ‘Live Laugh Love’ sign with me!”

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Out-of-State Freshman Won’t Shut Up About How She’s a ‘Cali Girl’ Now

UCSD Wi-Fi Found To Be Powered by a Naked Mole Rat

PHOTO By jack yang

Upon hearing the news, a faculty member from the biology department said, “Oh, so that’s where they go.” Brianne Arce

Staff Writer he cause of recent internet connectivity issues on the UC San Diego campus has been revealed to be a naked mole rat-based power source. The university’s recent, unprecedented focus on sustainable energy has sparked debates over what alternative power source the administration should choose for campus internet. Many suggestions have leaked from the Chancellor’s office and circulated throughout the student body. Previous theories included mini-hydroelectric dams on the man-made stream down the steps to Price Center, and another involving sucking a participant’s life source and harnessing its power for 10 dining dollars in compensation. The current energy plan had been unknown until last Tuesday evening, where a student eyewitness, second-year Mary Jane, confirmed that a single naked mole rat is the sole source of energy for UC San Diego’s wireless networks. Jane retold the events in which she learned the truth of the wifi’s source in an exclusive interview: “There I was, getting as high as my loan debt behind Geisel, contemplating what it would be like if peanuts and peanut butter were people and if they would get along when I heard this strained breath,” detailed Jane. “I thought it was in my head because I was a little

T “If Elaine says ‘hella’ one more time, I’m gonna split her surfboard in half,” lamented her roommate. Beans Cox

Staff Writer CSD Freshman Elaine Eaken’s roommates have officially filed a request for Eaken’s removal from their suite, citing her “pretending to be a California native” as evidence. Eaken is a freshman at UC San Diego, and originally from Maine. One roommate claims, “She’s so annoying. Every time she introduces herself she says, ‘Hi, I’m Elaine Eaken from Maine. Isn’t that funny? My name is Elaine and I’m from Maine? Not anymore though. I’m a Cali Girl now,’ and it got old really fast.” Elaine lives in a residential suite with eight other girls, all California natives who wish to remain anonymous. One quote from the request for removal include, “Elaine liter-

ally doesn’t even know where we are on a map. She keeps talking about how she’s now living in ‘The Bay Area’ now and keeps asking where the Golden Gate Bridge is.” Another quote reads: “She thinks the songs “California Gurls” by Katy Perry and “California Girls” by The Beach Boys are the same song. And she won’t stop singing a strange hybrid of the two.” A third expressed her exasperation by saying, “Elaine drinks boba tea everyday. She doesn’t even like boba tea, but she thinks it makes her a Californian.” Sources also say that Eaken picked UCSD as her undergraduate school because it was ranked the #1 Surf School in America by surfer.com, even though UCSD didn’t even offer Elaine’s intended ma-

jor (Fashion Design). Eaken however, has reportedly only been to the beach once, giving up on surfing after four minutes because it was “too hard.” An anonymous source said that, “She spent the rest of the time tanning and getting a wave tattooed on her ankle. Now she uses the $600 surfboard that she shipped from Maine as “a prop for Instagram posts.” Eaken’s roommates also report that she shivers throughout the night because “she does not have proper clothes for the climate. She threw away all her sweatshirts and jeans, only bringing crop tops and booty shorts to San Diego.” A 2019 survey by the UC San Diego Office of Admissions affirms Eaken is not alone in this regard; the

PHOTO By jack yang

survey found that 66 percent of Out of State Applicants did not know San Diego could ever be cooler than 70 degrees Fahrenheit and 58 percent did not know it was possible to rain in California. The Financial Aid and Scholarship Office of UCSD wrote a response to this study claiming “This is why our Out-ofState tax is so egregious. To account for what we call the ‘Dumbass Effect.’” When we asked Eaken for a statement about the claims her roommates had about her, the only thing she said was, “Hi, I’m Elaine Eaken from Maine. Isn’t that funny? My name is Elaine and I’m from Maine? Not anymore though. I’m a Cali Girl now.”

UCSD Claims $20,000 Tuition Hike a “Spooky-Season Prank”

shmacked, but then I realized it was real, and coming from the library. I followed the noise to the bottom floor and looked around to try to find the wheezing. I ended up finding a small storage room that only had a small cage with a bunch of wires popping out of it. That’s when I saw the deformed, shaved cat lookin’ thing that climbed out of the cage toward me. I impulsively named him Rufus because his advances scared me at first, just like my Uncle Rufus. It’s cool now though. We’re buds.” In response, the chancellor’s office e-mailed out a campus-wide statement confirming the validity of Jane’s account of Rufus the naked mole-rat. The statement urged students to proceed carefully with the wi-fi due to the strain it is putting on Rufus, and suggested students “take responsibility for the inefficiency of the wifi and the maltreatment of animals, as it is the students who overwork the networks and therefore overwork Rufus.” The statement goes on to cite moments when UCSD-PROTECTED decides to fail to work as being due to Rufus’ need for breaks. “Students who overuse wireless networks should be ashamed of their actions and work to make the best of the situation. Only entitled postmillennials would expect to connect to university wi-fi in lecture halls.”

TOP Thirteen

Similarities Between Horror Movies and Your Classes

Despite publishing the tuition hike as a prank video, Khosla did not go viral, nor increase his subscriber count. Adian Valdez

Copy Editor CSD has recently backtracked on surreptitiously raising yearly tuition by $20,000 after an overwhelmingly negative reaction from students, claiming that the decision was “just a prank, bro.” On October 16, students on monthly payment plans noticed an extra $1,000 charge on their accounts. Upon investigating the unexpected expenditure, they found that a new “empirebuilding tax” bracket had been inserted into the UCSD tuition allocation breakdown. Students quickly spread the news amongst themselves on student webpages and social media, triggering a mass uproar over the unannounced price bump. The hashtag #KhoslaisaGoldDigger came seventh in Twitter’s trending list within 24 hours of the discovery. UCSD released an official

statement early October 18, stating that “the so-called ‘empire-building tax’ addition to students’ tuition is nothing more than a spookyseason prank. In celebration of the month of tricks and treats, the administration felt that this well-spirited jest would lighten the mood of students as they approach their midterms. We at UCSD know that students are always joking about our usage of tuition money to build more colleges, so we decided to join in the fun!” Many students expressed less enthusiasm for the administration’s festive joke. “My dad had a heart attack when I frantically called home to tell my parents about this,” said third-year Melissa LeFrangue. “No, literally. He’s in critical condition. UCSHIP doesn’t cover this, and that’s pretending I was able to afford it in the first place.” Second-year Jim Haarden

commented, “I bet Boomers think this is funny, and yet they still wonder why us millennials can’t afford a place to live.” 62-year-old Murphy Jameson, a Biology Ph.D. professor at UCSD, said, “That’ll teach those spoiled kids, huh! Maybe if they spent less money on tattoos and avocado toast they could afford it! Why, back in my college years here I made up enough dough at my summertime job to pay for the whole year! It’s only $630 a year, it’s not that hard. Especially with them damn minimum wage laws them lazy kids got for themselves!” When told that the annual tuition for California residents was now $50,000 on average and $80,000 for outof-state students, Jameson walked away, saying that he was “going to be late for lecture. The kids get really mean on Piazza when I’m late.” When approached for

PHOTO By jack yang

comment, Chancellor Khosla did not match his administration’s official statement. “Yeah, I authorized the raise. What we need is more colleges, because more colleges means more students, and more money. See here, the plan is to use the extra $800 mil’ a year to build a second campus above nowcampus because La Jolla city council are a bunch of greedy hoarders who won’t give me land grants to the Torrey Pines State Reserve. It’ll be like Coruscant up in this bitch, you feel me? We’ll move the seven colleges we got up there, and make the current buildings below eighth through fourteenth, call them ‘the Underworlders.’ By then, we’ll be charging $500 grand a year for a mini-quintuple where you never see the light of day, literally.” The $20,000 halloween prank surcharge has yet to be removed from UCSD’s annual budget.

13. At least one person is crying the whole time 12. You would’ve been fine if you weren’t so fucking stupid 11. You’d have a much better time if you just killed that person who won’t stop talking 10. They were both inspired by Stephen King novels 9. The virgin makes it the longest 8. They’re full of clowns 7. Everyone has a different interpretation of what was actually happening 6. You expected better for how much you paid 5. Everyone lost their shit when someone pulled out a machete 4. All the reviews made it seem better than it was 3. Everyone got mad at you for sneaking food in 2. You were told to stop taking flash photos 1. The sex scene felt out of place We’re satirists. What’s your superpower?

THE MQ

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October 30, 2019

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Page 9

Man Only Wears Designer “Supreme” Streetwear After Near-God Experience

Student Pissed-Off That God Gives Meaning of Life Instead of Helping Pass Final

PHOTO By jack yang

“Fuck God and morality, I just need that A,” said Manson. Arthur Torres

K PHOTO By Sharon roth

In response to Lee’s new perspective on life, God said, “Let your wallet be light.” Mariah Barrios Staff Writer

econd-year UCSD student Joseph Lee has gained notoriety from a public scene where Lee claims he wascompelled to wear a Supreme fanny pack as a belt after experiencing what he believes was contact with God. Lee stated that during this encounter, he “felt the holy force of the Lord drop a fanny pack in his hands and tell him to put it on immediately.” The event, which was live-streamed by an anonymous witness on Instagram Live, has gone viral on Hypebeast forums, amassing more than two million views. The incident occurred on Library Walk last Wednesday while Lee was signing up for student organizations. “I fell to my knees,” shared Lee, who now goes by @yvng_plvg_xXx on Instagram, while describ-

ing the event triggered by his loose jeans he was constantly trying to pull up as “divine intervention.” According to Lee, the epiphany lasted five minutes, in which he sat on his knees and “could not help but burst into tears at the sheer power of the Lord.” He then reportedly found himself holding the Supreme fanny pack. “Immediately after putting it around my waist, I had the overwhelming urge to check online for the next Supreme drop, which just happened to be the next morning. It’s like my eyes opened for the first time — I truly believe that I came close to God.” Lacey Greene, a UCSD freshman and witness to the event, initially believed that Lee was having a mental breakdown. “He was screaming about God,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye. “I heard that students can get

really homesick, so I didn’t blame him. I pulled out my ID and was ready to call campus police when suddenly he stood up and put on the fanny pack as a belt. After seeing that, I actually did call the police.” A conversation with the UCSD campus police corroborated Lee’s beliefs. “One of the officers was wearing Yeezys,” Lee said in an official Twitter statement. “Did you know that Yeezy is short for Yeezus, which is a name Kanye derived from Jesus himself? That’s how I know that my near-God experience was real.” The statement, a screenshot of a paragraph typed out on the iPhone Notes app, included Lee’s Instagram handle and a unique code for 10% off the purchase of sneakers from a third-party retail website. Lee has since retracted the

statement, clarifying that he “wasn’t sure” if the campus security was wearing “real Yeezys” or other shoes that “simply looked similar.” Since his experience, Lee has not removed the jeans or fanny pack, declaring it a “sin to remove God’s gift,” and told reporters that he woke up all his apartment roommates for the most recent “8 a.m. Supreme drop, bro.” According to Lee, the event has allowed him to understand the “sinfulness of bad fashion” and has convinced him to convert other students to what he believes is “God’s true message.” After skipping his classes to browse r/streetwear and r/hypebeast on Reddit for the past eek and amassing over 63 Instagram followers, Joseph Lee believes he is ready to spread the word of God: “I think I’m, like, the richest messiah or something.”

Staff Writer

enneth Manson, formerly an atheist, has recently declared his “hatred for God.” Manson’s belief and disdain for a higher power began to grow alongside his fear of going home to his parents only to be asked how college was going. Over the summer quarter, however, Manson began to seek out a “nice little church” where he could start asking God to help him pass the quarter. Manson claims that he received an answer to his calls. According to Manson, while in a self-induced epinephrine high, “God’s voice breached my dorm’s ceiling and warned me that abusing my younger brother’s allergy medication would result in my death. So I finished my physics homework and watched some porn before finally going to sleep around three in the morning. When I woke up, I thought I’d go look up a church to get some answers.” When asked if he wasn’t scared God was watching, Manson replied, “God watches everything, and if he’s going to judge me for watching hentai for the plot, then he should have predestined me better.” Local pastor Carlos Santiago recalled seeing “a disheveled young man” enter his congrega-

tion. “The moment he entered the congregation I knew his soul was in pain. It was clear he was looking for answers. It’s just a shame he didn’t heed the Lord’s words and decided to leave our flock.” Santiago currently holds two PhDs in the Humanities, a law degree from Yale, and 26 ongoing lawsuits regarding sexual misconduct. Unfortunately, no comment was received when Santiago was asked about his legal troubles’ effects on his congregation. Reporters were told Santiago was at the biannual toys-for-tots drive. In a follow up interview, Manson declared, “I’m finding my own meaning.” During a mental breakdown fueled by his failed summer classes, Manson claims that he realized “the saying ‘God works in mysterious ways,’ is just some bullshit to make him unaccountable. Now I finally understand that there is no need for a church when one can have a personal relationship with God.” Sources say Manson was later heard screaming “Let’s see how God likes it when I test him!” during “peak raccoon hours” in Sixth College. Manson has recently changed his major to architecture and is planning to minor in dead languages. A witness said that they were “confused by what this babel means.”

College Student Joins 57 Student Organizations for Free Food, Shocked to Discover They Have Commitments

Mann was reportedly confused when the Prelaw Society asked her when she was coming for mock debates. Ayushi Banerjee

Staff Writer

ncoming first year at UC San Diego, Frayse Mann, has signed up to be a member of 57 student organizations over the course of Welcome Week. Following the conclusion of the Welcome Week events, Mann was “shocked and overwhelmed” at being expected to participate in said organizations. “They all kept offering free food,” said Mann between bites of a doughnut frosted with greek letters. Mann elaborated that as a member of Earl Warren college, which does not presently have a dining hall, access to food is limited for her. “It was either joining clubs, or starving.” When questioned on how the situation developed, Mann

claimed that “it all started on Library Walk,” a popular location on campus for organizations to promote themselves. Mann self-described that felt she could not refuse the flyers these students handed to her, saying, “They were all so friendly, it just felt wrong to say no.” Mann claimed that the vast majority of these flyers advertised free food at the first few meetings, which in her state of “delusional starvation,” is what motivated her to sign up to join the plethora of student organizations. However, Mann claims that she is not interested in being a participating member of the groups she has joined, stating that she didn’t know the organizations had any other purpose than free food. In fact, now that most

student organizations have gradually started focusing on their work and stopped offering food, Mann is looking for a way out. “They keep emailing me about their meetings,” said Mann, “I don’t know who half of these people are, and without the food I’m just not interested in intramural underwater basket-weaving or whatever the hell they do together.” Brenda Jacobs, a third year who is an active member of the UCSD chapter of Engineering Honors Society Mann joined, commented on how Mann’s situation is not an uncommon occurrence. “This happens every year. All these freshmen show up to the bonfires, socials, and the first meetings when there’s pizza. The moment you try to get some

PHOTO By jack yang

actual work done though, they all disappear. They’re all ungrateful moochers, I’ll tell you that. All of them!” With student organizations no longer serving as a consistent source of food, Mann and her other Warren classmates’ remaining choices reportedly include “undertaking a hike across campus to the distant dining halls of the other colleges, foraging in the canyon, and fighting with the local racoons for leftover scraps.” Nevertheless, Mann assured interviewers that she could survive these odds, commenting, “I can totally take those racoons in a fight. Besides, I may be starving, but at least I don’t have to worry about the freshman fifteen. I think that makes me the real winner here.”

UNTITLED KHOSLA COMIC

comic By Sage cristal

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Promiscuous Frat Boy Misinterprets Title of “Hallo-weenie” Cookout

Lab Students Upset That Wearing Lab Coats Does Not Improve Midterm Scores

PHOTO By jack yang

“But they emphasized PPE so much during lecture!” said Kartashev. Pilan Scruggs

Staff Writer his past Monday UCSD was "filled with shouts of incredulity and misery" as Chem 7L midterms were returned along with the announcement the class average was below 50 percent. Bizarrely, more than half of the class was reported to have taken the exam wearing their lab coats, and a good portion in full Personal Protective Equipment. Just yesterday the origin of this act was uncovered as a couple of students who had started circulating a joke online to wear their lab coats to the exam in order to gain an inherent advantage. “The idea was inspired by ‘white coat syndrome’, and my friends and I figured that we could wear our lab coats, make the test afraid of us, and therefore perform better on the exam,” reported firstyear Biochemistry student Anastasia Kartashev, “but I guess it doesn’t work as well on inanimate objects.” “That’s not it at all,” countered fellow first-year Kevin Hsieh, Kartashev’s labmate. “The original idea was based on the well-known belief that wearing a white lab coat makes you smarter by default. Everyone knows that. Half of doctors’ knowledge comes from those coats.” Whether to intimidate the exam or to absorb knowledge, the plethora of students entering the test wearing lab coats took TA proctors aback. “I’ll admit that I actually freaked out a bit,” said Jamie Stevens, one of the TAs. “I recall people doing something similar from my undergraduate days for, like, Halloween or something, but I’d never before seen something on this scale, so you can probably understand my surprise.” Neither has the UCSD Department of Chemistry, and while it declined an interview offer, it did submit a

T PHOTO By JACK YANG

The fraternity reportedly had to cancel their upcoming hot dog fest due to this incident. Andrew Sitko

Social/Publicity Chair

irst-year Austin Smang was arrested at the University Off-Center’s annual “Hallo-weenie” cookout in RIMAC Field after walking into the open arena “stark naked, holding a Rockstar in one hand and a Four-Loko in the other.” Observers of the event fled the field as the 18-year-old approached them visibly confused. Smang was forcefully apprehended at the scene by nearby UC Police Officers on duty. ERC resident Alyssa Ruiz claimed to have clearly remembered the incident. “I mean it's not something you can really forget,” said Ruiz. “I was really looking forward to getting something to eat with my new roommates after we all took the ‘Save the Earth and Ourselves’ pledge by throwing our vapes into the ocean. Anyway, this guy comes running onto the field all naked and started yelling about ‘bringing

the weenie.’ He immediately ran away after he saw the two officers running after him. The cookout was cancelled as he was being detained, but I’m ok with it because I read that hot dogs are, like, really cruel to pigs and stuff and they also make you break out.” Sergeant Randy Wilkins, who was called off vacation for this incident, held a press conference about the chaos that occurred on the field, stating, “The perpetrator is in our custody. He confessed to public nudity and is being charged with indecent exposure, but has refused to admit that he was in possession of alcohol and denies chugging a beer as we chased him across the field.” Wilkins produced a baggie from his floral fanny pack containing a collapsed Bud Light can. “This piece of evidence was recovered on the scene after Mr. Smang crushed it against his head and threw it at our officers in an attempt to thwart his arrest. He is

currently locked up in the RIMAC basement where we poke him with our spear named ‘Student Debt’ every thirty minutes. We hope he complies soon so that I can get back to my family in Hawaii. I might bring the ol’ girl back with me though, if the neighbor asks if I want to have a co-cookout with him one more time, I’ll need to show some force.” Three days after being released from the RIMAC dungeon, Austin Smang shared his side of the story. “So I’m sitting in my dorm room right, and I’m looking around on Facebook just totally hammered, and I discovered this event going on at RIMAC and the description said to meet new people naturally, so I assumed that meant to show up ‘au naturale.’ I brought some drinks to mix easier, but when I showed up there I didn’t even get to my Four Loko by the time I realized that the vibe of the cookout was off and the girls were like four outta tens.

I was known as the ‘King of the Sixes’ in high school, so I needed to run away. The cops tackling me was just like a huge coincidence that you really shouldn’t spend time on and please don’t tell my frat.” Smang has been hailed a hero by the nudist colony of UCSD who have been detained in the RIMAC dungeon numerous times for their refusal to wear clothes. They’ve released the statement, “We are proud of Austin Smang for going against the fascist bureaucracy of UC San Diego and will associate him as one of our own,” to which Smang asked to “never be associated with those freaks.” As tensions settle, Thanksgiving enthusiasts in charge of the “Turkeyfest” taking place in La Jolla Shores are making sure that all attendees to their feast are aware that, “This is not Black’s Beach, giblets should stay inside the pants throughout the meal.”

Sorority Girls Experience Near Death on Local Torrey Pines Hike

“If we get out of here alive, I swear we’re gonna take that trip to Spain,” Fillis said to Stutten. Hanaa Moosavi

Staff Writer orority sisters Jessica Fillis and Rebecca Stutten of the Kappa Sigma chapter of Delta Gamma recently returned from a hike after losing their airpods during the event. The girls describe the experience as “like, the absolute end of our lives.” The annual “Hike, Not Strike,” hosted by Delta Gamma, was arranged to promote positive protesting habits and to raise money for new tote bags. Fillis and Stutten joined the other girls late in the hike and reportedly took the wrong trail.“I told them not to come if they were going to be late to the hike,” Patricia Summers, social chair, told reporters, “those girls would get lost with a map attached to their Hydros so it totally doesn’t surprise me that they went in the wrong direction.” As social chair, Sum-

mers was “totally in charge of the entire event,” and “spent literally forever” planning the hike. “When I see them next, they are totally getting their fall letters taken away and, like, are definitely taking me out to dinner, like, with a Mai Tai and a pizookie included. I am so disappointed in their sisterhood social representation.” “When I checked to see if my airpods case was still on my hydro and my hand came up empty…” Stutten paused and asked for a “cry break” before continuing the interview. “I could not believe it. My daddy got me those pods when I got bid to Delta Gamma, and my sister even made me a case with our letters. I, like, just couldn’t be without those pods. At that point, I had to find my pods, even if it took me all night.” Stutten and Fillis were declared missing for a total of four hours during

the hike. Police were called and provided helicopters that eventually found the girls five miles off the trail. “Well you see, the girls from Chi Omega totally passed us while we were looking for Becca’s pods and didn’t even ask us if we needed help. They are so entitled, like only ‘cuz their ratings are like 300, but that was, like, totally not sorority sister behavior, especially during Hike, Not Strike,” Fillis told reporters. “We were lost already and the dirt getting on my brand new Lulus was really getting on my nerves. Like, of course Becca would lose her pods. We went to the hike to talk to each other, like, what was she going to use her airpods for anyways? God, talk about lack of sisterhood. Anyways, she was like swinging her hydro really hard through the hike, so we decided to look through the bushes and I guess

handwritten note saying that they were affronted by the overwhelmingly lax attitude towards safety gear. “PPE is not something to be taken lightly,” the memo stated. “It is disheartening to see that so many UCSD students, among the best and brightest in the nation, participated in this demonstration without fully considering the message they were sending. Maybe they thought it was harmless, but to us it says that they take PPE for granted and do not fully realize just how crucial it is in laboratory settings. If anything this behavior was extremely juvenile, showing complete disregard for the dangers of the lab, and was an embarrassment to us all.” Despite these remarks, the participating students were reportedly mostly indifferent, with “get a life” being the most common response to the department’s statement. “Seriously, they’re just berating us because they’ve never before seen anything on this scale and feel like they need to establish their authority or whatever,” offered Kartashev, “but if they really wanted us to care about PPE, then they would make a much bigger deal out of it. However, when the safety exam is so easy that my six-year-old sister can take it for me and my TA has us use goggles to measure de-ionized water, then it is just ridiculous. My life is more at risk when I’m cleaning my bathroom.” “Honestly I mostly did this just to have fun,” laughed Hsieh, “and I figured I was so screwed for the midterm that this would be some way to lighten the mood. And anyways, now that we’ve dispelled the ‘white coat myth,’ I’ll have a different approach the next time I’m at the doctor. My primary care physician may have been a complete screwup at general chemistry lab, but fake it ‘till you make it, am I right?”

PHOTO By JAY NOONAN

we totally went off course, but it was for a good cause, the pods had to be found.” Police have posted signs warning future hikers to avoid venturing off trails in order to collect lost goods. Delta Gamma has put an official freeze on the Hike, Not Strike event and have fined hikers Stutton and Fillis $100 each for “like, totally not following our sisterhood code.” They released an official sorority statement on the matter: “These rules are made because sisterhood is, like, super sacred. I swear, we’re not being dramatic or anything, we just have to acknowledge that breaking our sorority clique would literally be the end of the world. Like, nothing else could possibly be worse and if that happens, like, literally pack up your scrunchie and get out.”

Come for the satire, stay for the glasses recommendations

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October 30, 2019

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SoCal Moms Poison Trees to Capture Fall Aesthetic

UCSD Professor Assigns Controversial Vibe Check Instead of Midterm

PHOTO By Jack Yang

Sources later confirmed that none of the answers were correct. Sharon Roth Staff Writer

Miller shared with reporters: “I have an autumn complexion, so my yard needs one too!” Isabelle Rupani & Lily Tholfsen

Staff Writers

local Homeowner's Association has mandated that every yard in their jurisdiction now maintain a “seasonal sensibility,” with stipulations for groundskeeping and home exteriors dependent on the time of year. The seasonal "Labor Day to Thanksgiving" requirements read: “Homeowners must curate a red and gold autumnal aesthetic for all trees, gardens, and lawns, disregarding any potential health risks to the surrounding flora and fauna.” The ordinance has led to a sudden surge in sales of herbicides at surrounding Home Depots as members of the HOA rush to poison their yards and achieve the "perfect fall look." In defense of the new bylaws, HOA Chair

Ginnifer Maryanne McIntire explained, "East coast influencers have hogged the Instagrammable foliage of their natural habitat for long enough. Don't the women of Southern California deserve to be a part of the nation's hashtag 'autumn vibes?'" Neighborhood mothers concur that the region's perfect weather previously made it difficult to compete with out-of-state “Instamoms, MomTubers and Recipe Blog Moms during the last three months of the year.” Mrs. Linda Lucy May Miller was spraying her palm trees with commercial grade weed killer as we spoke. “I just can’t believe this stuff is in the ground naturally everywhere else!” she exclaimed. “The leaves just fall right off in October, like clockwork. I could have so much more time to get ahead of winter apparel

shopping, I can’t afford to be seen in last year’s T-shirts.” “My trees are pretty much already dead,” commented HOA Treasury Secretary Deirdre Annemary Deveraux, who was sweating through her wool coat. “I’m going to have my husband take fall candids of me sipping cider under their remains, just like my sister-in-law in Connecticut. Then we’ll see what that smug bitch has to say about my children being deprived of the true holiday experience.” Local teen Jujube Carlson is protesting the initiative, carrying a bold sign that reads “ACCEPT YOUR CLIMATE” and going door to door looking for support. “It’s insane,” she said. “When I heard what they were doing, I had our jet take me here straight from Princeton.” Carlson pointed to her T-shirt, which featured the recycling logo, say-

PHOTO By Jade CONIGLIO

ing, “I’m in Greenpeace, you know. Well, my boyfriend is. Well, my TA who sometimes flirts with me is. So yeah, I care a lot.” “It doesn’t matter that our yards won’t grow back,” said self-described ingenue and experienced mother of three Helen Marylu Thompson in response to the backlash. “We’ll just replant them in the spring. How much could a tree cost? Two thousand dollars? That’s less than I paid for my daughter’s college admissions essays.” Surrounding HOAs are scrambling to enforce similar rules in their own neighborhoods after McIntire’s most recent Instagram post of her, her two children and her Labradoodle playing in the dead leaves of her decaying front yard amassed over three hundred thousand likes.

Classified intelligence briefing “Most Realistic Horoscope Ever” Requires Social Security Number Constellar, a horoscope app touting its “incredibly realistic horoscope readings,” has recently become the most downloaded horoscope app ever. Its founder, Joseph Parker, has expressed his excitement for the future of the brand. “What separates us from other horoscope apps is that we request our users’ legal name, birthdate, driver’s license number, and social security number in order to make an account for them. Having their SSN helps us generate the most specific readings for our users, while also giving us a way to make money giving free readings.” Concerns have been raised about Constellar being a data mining site that sells its users data in exchange for its readings. When a reporter asked about the validity of these allegations, Parker responded, “You know what I see? I see darkness in your future if you continue this line of questioning.” No further questions were asked to Parker. Constellar’s users remain unfazed by these allegations. “I just want to know if I’m sexually compatible with my wife and have some laughs looking at how compatible I am with my friends,” shared Anne Jenkins, a daily user of the app. “I’ll gladly give my SSN for that.”

Outcry After Plant “Joker” Leaves CHIPOTLE Discount Workers Forced Local Incel UnsatRevoked For to Listen to “Work isfied and Angry Uncreative B**ch” on Repeat PET Costume Local man Wade Hursh Public uproar rocked the internet this past Friday as a controversial video taken from inside the Ford Assembly Plant in Louisville, Kentucky was uploaded to Twitter. The video, reportedly taken from a worker’s cell phone, is a 45-second clip of an assembly line floor, where workers are seen looking shell-shocked while speakers blast Britney Spears’ hit 2013 song “Work B**ch.” At the end of the chorus, an unknown voice over the speakers sings along with Britney, yelling, “Now get to work, bitch!” The video quickly went viral, and currently sits at more than 400,000 retweets. Ford’s CEO, James Hackett, responded directly to the video in a press conference on Monday, stating that he was “horrified,” and that “the appropriate steps are being taken to terminate the employee responsible.” He added “We want to assure the public that the video is not demonstrative of Ford’s values — an ideal manager would have played ‘I’m a Slave 4 U’ instead.”

was spotted yelling and causing a disturbance outside of Reading Cinema in Mira Mesa earlier this month. According to frequent movie watcher Kendrick Tran, Hursh entered the main lobby, fell to his knees and screamed, “This had nothing to do with incels rising up! The lame-stream media has betrayed the battered man once again!” Tran also reported that even though Hursh was causing a disturbance, the crowd was seemingly unfazed by the outrage of the man and calmly passed around him. Hursh has released a public statement on 8Chan titled, “It’s All So Tiresome.” It reads, “I went into the Joker Movie waiting to be inspired to commit hate crimes against the Zionist rulers who shove equal rights and tolerance into my face daily, but to my utter horror and dismay Joker was a mentally ill man who had no political ties! If anything the only violence inspired was for leftists to rise up against capitalism! I will continue my daily routine of staring at women across the street and getting angry when they don’t shower me in affection and sex.” Hursh regularly updates his blog on 8Chan after a 7-8 p.m. shift at the Mira Mesa 7/11 and has caused no more disturbances since the incident other than several, regular complaints by female customers who have felt violated by Hursh’s stare.

Local dog owner Jacob Houston was rejected from Chipotle’s annual Halloween discount after his English bulldog’s Batman costume was deemed “uncreative” by an employee. The “Boorito” deal has existed since Halloween week of 2009, during which customers can purchase a burrito for $4 if they attend the restaurant in costume. “The costume is complete shit,” says Dawn Hanson, who rejected the costume after seeing Houston’s plans to use it for the promotion on Instagram. Hanson reportedly spread information on Houston’s disqualification to all San Diego Chipotle locations in an email describing it as “an insult to the creative ideas we’re trying to incubate here at Chipotle. This costume offends me to my very core, and if you don’t agree, you don’t understand art and also my dad owns half of you guys’ stores so I can get you fired if you don’t obey me.” Houston expressed surprise at the Tex-Mex eatery’s reaction to his costume. “I’ve brought little Arthur to get the discount for years now, and people always think it’s adorable! Look at his little face and his little cape. So cute! He’s just trying to be festive for the holiday, aren’t you Arthur?” Arthur declined to comment beyond some labored breaths behind the mask tightly strapped onto his face.

r. Frank N. Stein of UC San Diego made waves in the academic community by reimagining the very notion of a midterm. Typically, professors write a series of multiple choice or free response questions to assess their students’ knowledge of the course material. In an interview, Dr. Stein revealed why he instead chose to assign a “vibe check” as a way to assess his students’ characters and mental state. A vibe check is an invitation for someone to express how they’re feeling. This phrase can also accompany imagery of one person hitting another with a blunt object, or simply knocking them to the floor. Dr. Stein chose to highlight the empathetic aspect of this new trend, claiming that he wanted students to be “in tune with themselves” as they enter midterm season. Dr. Stein said the idea came to him “as if someone hit me over the head with a baseball bat.” Speaking in detail, Dr. Stein said, “I kept seeing these memes captioned ‘vibe check,’ and I wanted in. Furthermore, instead of piling more stress on students, I wanted to check in on their well-being. At first, I wanted to do what those memes did by slapping my students, but I was reminded that would violate school policy, and potentially not actually help them. I just want to know if my students are what they call ‘real’ ones or if they’re just here to fulfill a GE.”

The assessment began by giving each student a mood ring and a crystal of their choice, followed by a Myers-Briggs personality test, alignment chart, and a Buzzfeed quiz called “Tell Us Your Relationship Deal Breakers And We'll Tell You Your Soulmate's Hair Color.” Each students’ results were carefully analyzed by their TAs, who weren’t told of this change in advance. Brian N. Ajar, who teaches the 12 a.m. discussion section, said that he’s “not sure what their selection of crystal says about their physics knowledge. Either way, they all failed the midterm.” Students reportedly felt unsure about how to study for such an assessment. Second year S. Kellyton claims he spent so long researching personality tests he forgot his own name. The piazza site was swamped with questions and expressions of concerns from students. Gorgon Zola posted: “It’s midterm season, so I’m trying to repress my emotions. If anyone asks me how I’m doing, I’ll snap like a piece of dry spaghetti.” Jim Horton replied, “Honestly, I would’ve preferred being hit over the head with a brick instead of having to think about my feelings.” Another student, who requested to remain anonymous, said he was confused as to why Professor Stein changed the midterm to this revolutionary new exam since “the dude has rancid vibes. It’s never a good sign when your professor would fail his own exam.”

TOP Ten

Ways That Club You Joined is Actually a Cult 10. They keep telling you they’re not a cult 9. They drink way too much Kool-Aid 8. You can’t find anyone who used to be in it 7. They only have 1-star Yelp reviews 6. They keep asking you to refer 3 of your friends 5. You don’t understand where the money for all their pizza is coming from 4. Tom Cruise endorsed them 3. They kidnapped you as a prank 2. They keep insisting that you’re not just paying for friends 1. They're forcing you to read their stupid newspaper

We’ll scare you anything but straight

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Page 12

Monster Match M atch

Mino Taur, 125 123,986,843 miles away

Taurus 23andMe: 50% Bull, 50% Man, 100% That bitch Likes: Long walks through labyrinths Can host, but my neighborhood is kind of a maze

12 miles away

Hollow on the inside, but still drop dead gourd-geous on the outside. All my seeds are cleaned out too ;) Ask me about my scars!

Love is just around the graveyard! Monster Match is there for you to find the perfect partner whether you’re a ghoul, a goblin, or just plain ugly!

Ma t c h

Pick-up Lines to Make Them Scream

• You don’t look a day over 7000! • Nice warts! Those real? • Did you fall from heaven? Because you look as fucked up as me. • You won’t be able to rise from the dead in the morning after the night Adam Frankenstein, 1 we’ll have. 10 miles away • Tonight doesn’t have to be headless. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. And green • Hey girl, are you a ghost? Because arms. And a green body. I’ll be your boo. If you miss your ex, you might find a piece of him in me. • Your blood isn’t the only thing I No hookups unless you’re plugging me into wanna suck. your heart. • Wanna monster smash? • Hey babe, did it hurt when you rose from hell?

M atch

Jacqueline Lantern, 4 months

October 30, 2019

Ma t c h

Emma T. Kasket, 327 0.001 miles away

Recently got out of a committed relationship, and just looking for the right graverobber to steal my heart and settle down with. Six feet under, if it matters.

Tips to be a Sexy, Desirable Monster • Make sure all your bits and pieces are held together. • Unwrap yourself a little, show some skin! • Actually listen to what women want — human men don’t do that. • Remember to put makeup on all of your eyes. • Avoid using garlic if you’re making a romantic dinner. • If you’re done with a human, make sure to ghost them and not haunt them. • Never ask a vampire about their age. • Oil up your scales before taking yourprofile picture. • Don’t murder your partner (unless they’re into that). • Keep track of the lunar cycle for your partner.