The Muir Quarterly Volume 29 Issue 2

“What is going on?”

Scraping the bottom of the barrel since 1988.

October 26, 2022 Volume XXIX Issue II

Netflix to Split All of Its Content Into Smaller Channels

IN THIS ISSUE

BY ROMELLA SAGATELIAN Staff Writer

Netflix recently announced that the company will be moving away from ondemand streaming and will be dividing their content into doz ens of smaller channels instead.

Derrick Andrews, CEO of Net flix, announced, “On-demand streaming is a relic from the past. Our new proprietary algorithm can choose which channel you’re in the mood for at the time. After all, who knows you better than an AI who’s been studying you for years?” Andrews also emphasized that the update will come with a new free option that allows users to watch at no cost as long as they wear an ankle monitor that will continuously send their precise location, health data, and dreams to Netflix HQ in Los Gatos, CA. When asked about whether the company would be selling user data, Andrews “pinky promised” that the information would not leave their secure servers.

Netflix plans to appeal to a broad audience by offering a wide variety of channels, such as a news channel, a reality TV network, and a channel that only plays TV shows about cons and failed startups, but many are still unhappy. “The only thing I watch on TV is sports,” said UCSD student Madison Lee. “But since ESPN already broadcasts all sports, the only things Netflix has for me are amateur ultimate Fris bee and Quidditch.”

Despite the negative recep tion, some are welcoming the transition because of the new Netflix Originals being released to keep up with other cable networks. Diaphragm, which has been trending on Twitter, is the company’s new singing and medical competition show where surgery residents will have to perform songs and sur gery at the same time on real patients. Contestants will have the choice to be coached by Azaelia Banks, Dr. Phil, or the

actor who played McDreamy on Grey’s Anatomy. Initially, few people wanted to go on the show as patients. After it was announced that medical bills would be covered for partici pants in the U.S., all spots filled up instantly. There is currently a waitlist.

Netflix also announced that they will be launching a program called Netflix Prime, a partnership with Amazon where users can receive phys ical copies of content from both Netflix and Amazon Vid eo sent directly to their door steps in two days or less. Jeff Bezos said, “For so long, Ama zon has been an innovator in the field of worker exploi tation, but the one area we haven’t been able to dominate in is user dissatisfaction. After Instagram’s latest update, we thought we’d never be able to compete … until today!”

At the end of the press con ference, Andrews hinted at an other collaboration between

the two companies to open more locations of Amazon’s cashierless stores in major cit ies. Customers will be able to buy physical copies of movies, but will have to return them after a few days; stores will also be selling Amazon Basics DVD players. “Jeff and I agree that using DVDs again makes ab solutely no sense, but neither does the current vinyl craze, so we figured we’d cash in. We’ve also been told that people have no space to store stacks of DVD boxes in their $4000-a-month New York City shoebox apart ments, so to make things easier users must return discs back to the store!” Andrews echoed Bezos’ earlier sentiment in later comments. “We’re excited to join together with Amazon and transform our platform into the exact opposite of what our us ers want, all while facing zero consequences!” After these an nouncements, stock prices of both Netflix and Amazon shot up by 40%.

Starbucks Announces Pumpkin Spice Pumpkins

BY ISHA DHANDHA Staff Writer

1st,

On

After

NEWS IN BRIEF

CRITICS CLAIM LETTUCE TRUSS’ POLITICAL CAREER IS “SALAD” AFTER RESIGNATION

Given economic tur moil, record low approval ratings, and the resigna tion of her Home Secre tary, Lettuce Truss had no choice but to resign Fri day, ending her histori cal tenure as Britain’s first lettuce prime minister.

In her hometown, many celebrate her achievement in attain ing the nation’s highest office despite the brev ity of her 44-day term.

“I never expected my heady little girl would make it so far,” said her mother, Iceberg Truss, while dabbing away tears. “I voted to remain, but she’s done such a good job with the

economy that I haven’t regretted that decision for even a moment. Eve ryone back in the gar den patch is so proud.”

Most, including Truss’ critics, see her resigna tion as the end of an era for leafy greens eve rywhere. “I suspect we won’t see another let tuce PM until the 2030s,” said tabloid journalist Charles Steven Grant. “It’s a shame to see her career chopped so short, but she did destroy the pound.” It is currently unclear who will be replacing Truss at 10 Downing Street, but many suspect that an el derly white male will be elected to the post.

LOCAL GHOSTS TIRED OF RECENT GHOST HUNTER PAPARAZZI BOOM

Due to a surge in para normal activity, ghost hunt ers have become far more popular at UCSD, looking high and low for specters who do not wish to be found.

“Forget being stuck in the stairwell because of my secret unfinished business, these ‘ghost hunters’ are the worst part of being dead,” said local ghost Boo Ridley Scott. “They’ll ask you to confirm your appearance on film and then wave a camera through your face!

The disrespect makes me so angry I turn off the lights, which only makes them more demanding.

“We can’t even scare them off because that’s

what they want! I wear the same clothes all the time, so they never get new pho tos, but it’s not effective. I’m always wearing the same bloody clothes!”

Scott’s friend, fellow ghost Theodor Geisel, agreed through a Ouija board. “The other day I saw one pap, two paps, red paps, and blue paps, and none of them were able to banish my spirit from Geisel’s renovated lobby — which, by the way, looks terrible. If you wouldn’t mind rearranging it to the way it was before I died — ” Geisel then caused an earthquake, disrupting the Ouija board.

Ahead of its premiere, Black Adam received a Rotten Tomatoes score of 52%. “I remember watch ing Man of Steel when I was eight years old. I’ve loved every DC movie since, re gardless of its quality,” said Goethe Ham, record holder for most tickets bought to Batman v Superman

“This movie is not be ing reviewed fairly,” Ham continued. “They must be using some metric for re viewing these movies other than cool CGI fight scenes, which is honestly absurd.”

After the large fan back lash, Rotten Tomatoes looked back at its critic reviews and found a nega tive review published by an unverified critic un

der the name D. Cee, who was actually found to be a high-ranking Disney execu tive. This review has since been removed, but to Black Adam fans, this is indicative of a larger problem.

“I knew it,” said Metty Polis. “The critics hate us for what we love. All these nega tive reviews that DC movies get year after year were part of a great plan to destroy us loyal fans, patiently wait ing for the resurrection of Snyder and his vision. Well, except for Aquaman, The Batman, and The Suicide Squad. Those movies only got positive reviews because they weren’t connected to Snyder’s vision.”

—Liz Truss, Former U.K. Prime Minister

VOLKSWAGEN TRIES TO RECALL BEETLES

Can’t find big enough cups

October

Starbucks announced an addition to their highly profitable fall flavor lineup: the pump kin spice pumpkin, created through selective breeding.

many millions of dol lars spent on genetic experi ments, Starbucks scientists have been able to infuse the pumpkin spice flavor into the pumpkins themselves. The delicacy will be available in stores across the United

States for the fall season, which Starbucks officially marks in their corporate cal endars as October to May.

Pumpkin spice enthusi asts can order their sweet and spicy treat in three dif ferent portions, either a

small, medium, or large slice. However, customers order ing using these terms may be ignored by the employees or potentially banned from all

“Why would I want this segmented business model when I can watch entire movies in 328 shorts on TikTok?” asked Lee.

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

“Pumpkin spice pumpkins? What’s next, pumpkin spice pumpkin spice pumpkins?” wondered one customer.

PHOTO BY AMIT ROTH

Vampire Appreciation Club Promotes Dress Code Change

Starbucks establishments. The correct terminology for small, medium, and large slices will be “lang” (long in Swedish), “largo” (long in Spanish), and “magnum” (big in Latin), respectively. When asked about how Starbucks chose these size names, Starbucks’ market ing manager Stella Bucks replied, “It’s just another part of the Starbucks fall ex perience.” On the contrary, local Starbucks employee Barry Ista answered, “Cus tomers often have no idea what size they are ordering and buy bigger, more ex pensive portions than they intended.” Unsurprisingly, Bucks projects a 20% in crease in revenue for Star bucks this quarter.

After the announcement, some avid Starbucks cus tomers shared their opinions on the new release. Emily Ginger has been going to Starbucks twice a day for the last 15 years, saying, “Coffee is the only thing that gives me the strength to take care of my three kids. I’m thrilled about the pumpkin spice pumpkins and will use them for my homemade candles, which I intend to burn in every corner of my house.” On the other hand, a UCSD student who has purchased over 400 cold brews this year expressed concern about the genetic modifications, fear ing that they might “turn or ange or something.”

Starbucks declined to comment about the safety of consuming their geneti cally modified pumpkins. However, insights into the technical aspects of the hybrid fruit were provided by geneticist John Test at UCSD. He stated that cre ating hybrid fruits through experimentation is not an uncommon genetic modi fication practice. However, scientists have expressed reservations about cross ing spices like cinnamon and nutmeg with pumpkins, saying that this combina tion may result in danger ous mutations. Apparently, such mutations could cause stomach irritation or even the complete destruction of the ecosystem in which the pumpkins were grown. In addition, some scientists fear that the pumpkins may develop sentience and plot for planetary conquest.

Although there is confu sion regarding the FDA’s ap proval of these pumpkins due to the possible side ef fects of ingestion, Starbucks plans to expand their pump kin spice pumpkin products even further. According to an anonymous inside source, Starbucks is looking to add a pumpkin spice drink consist ing of just spices and water. Starbucks also plans to create marijuana-infused pumpkin spice cake pops, which could boast even higher profit mar gins for the company.

BY ALYSSA ZALDIVAR Staff Writer

During UC San Diego’s first week of instruc tion, many different student orgs tabled along Library Walk. One such club, the Vampire Appreci ation Club, made headlines after attempting to insti tute a controversial dress code on campus. UC San Diego, like most universi ties, has a “very lenient” dress code, making this request a surprising one. Among the club’s demands was the banning of turtle necks and scarves.

“We just feel that a lot of students are hindering their learning experience,” said Vampire Appreciation Club president Ivan Urblud. “San Diego weather can get pretty warm, so we wouldn’t want the students to over

heat.” Another member, Edward Colson, chimed in, saying, “Students are too conservative these days. Back in the 2000s, they would all wear low rise jeans and tank tops. Not like I was a student then, of course. I’m only 20.”

However, necks seem to be the only thing these students want uncovered. Their dress code proposal also includes mandatory long sleeves and pants, as well as wide brim hats. “If all students were required to wear clothes that covered their skin, it would make those of us who cannot be exposed to the sun because we’re … uh … pale … feel less like outsiders,” Ur blud continued. “Students should even bring umbrel las. That San Diego sun is no joke.”

These same students were found tabling last week in or der to promote their “Blood Donation Event.” They in vited all students, no matter their blood type, to partici pate in the event. The only requirement to donate was to avoid garlic beforehand, as excessive garlic consumption can render blood donations incompatible with the “great many” people with garlic al lergies. In fact, having an allergic reaction to garlic is reportedly “the number one” adverse response amongst blood recipients.

Next week, the Vampire Appreciation Club will host another event, this time a dinner to promote their club. Edward Colson stated, “It doesn’t matter if you are in the club or not. This dinner is open to everyone. We would love to have you all.”

When asked for his opin ion on the matter, Chancel lor Khosla stated, “I don’t know. Please leave me alone. It’s 2 a.m. How did you even get in here?”

One student, on con dition of anonymity, gave their opinion on this pro posal. They mentioned that they had walked by one of the club meetings, heard screaming, and started running. “Either they were having a lot of fun or some one was getting straight up murdered. If they’re party people, it makes sense that they would want a change in dress code. Maybe they’re just fashionable.”

Other students were asked about their thoughts on this proposal, and one Joshua Black answered, “The vampire club? Dude, those guys suck.”

TOP TEN Bumper Stickers

Arrgh, baby overboard!

Hey, my eyes are up here!

Proud leaded gas user

Keep Tahoe out of California

Booze Cruise Champion 2008

If you can read this, you’re literate

We need a live action Cars movie

I’m using tilt controls

I’ve hit eight organ donors. You’re welcome!

Editorial Board

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

Four weeks, four midnights, and four [redacted]s later, the second issue of the year is done. Thank you to the mas terminds who worked so hard to put this issue together. Everyone in this org dazzles me with their creativity and dedication. I mean, what we make is genuinely art, like we’re the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art of the West. I’m especially excited that some new staff writers have been contributing and showing up to our events — it’s been so lovely getting to know everyone. I love you to Baltimore and back.

— Sharon Roth, Editor-in-Chief

Well folks, thanks for tuning back into 19.84, the best pop post-bottle grunge rock station of the greater Baltimore area, the Mona Lisa of pop post-bottle grunge rock stations of the East. It’s been a tough week in the city: Sharon and Kaz got into a fight at the tavern and we’ve been broken up about it ever since. Well, to lighten the mood, we got some smooth, pasty tunes from the likes of Emily, Aaron, Lizzie, Tag, and Farhad — so don’t change the station or switch to Spotify on CarPlay.

“People say that my new clothes look terrible,” said Colson. “But when I look in the mirror, I don’t really see anything.”

PHOTO BY ROMELLA SAGATELIAN

UCSD Dining Hall Hires Skeleton Crew

BY MATTHEW WARE Distribution Sergeant

Across UCSD, dining halls have struggled with long wait times and a shortage of staff, with some patrons claim ing that they “nearly starved to death” while waiting for their food. To resolve this is sue, the Restaurants at Sixth College revealed that four human skeleton recruits would started working there this October.

“Desperate times call for supernatural measures,” remarked Matty Silo, Food Services Manager of the Restaurants at Sixth Col lege during a meeting with the non-skeletal employees. “And besides, it’ll be nice to actually see some lively smiles on our employees’ faces instead of the dead expressions I see currently.” When asked by one student employee if HDH could in crease wages to make the job more tolerable instead of “relying upon the kind ness of the undead,” Silo re

plied, “Don’t be ridiculous. No wage increase would make this job tolerable in any respect.”

Since the skeletons be gan working, students have reported seeing slight im provements in wait times, but many still have com plaints. “Yesterday I ordered chicken wings. Not only did they take half an hour to make, but upon eating one, I bit into a bone! That was super gross,” reported trans fer student Simon Belmont. “These skeletons need to be more careful or they’ll get what’s coming to them.”

However, students are not the only ones com plaining. Some skeletons have described the stress and shortcomings of their new jobs. “It’s honestly too much work to handle, just like how my bony fingers can’t handle wet dishes,” said dishwasher Bonny Jan gles. “I’m expected to stay more than an hour after my shift ends even though I’m scheduled for the graveyard shift at my second job. And

no, my second job is not lit erally at the graveyard; it’s at 24 Hour Fitness.”

Skelly Tone, a new shift lead for the dining hall and former model at UCSD’s ca daver laboratory, recounted her experiences working for UCSD. “My previous job was a pretty decent gig, except when I noticed a few students weird ly eyeing my pelvis,” said Tone. “At least then students weren’t telling me how to do my job, which is something that re ally gets on my nerves. Well, if I had nerves, I mean.”

Working longer shifts and dealing with tiresome cus tomers leaves even the new employees feeling undercom pensated for their efforts. “For some reason, management has been giving all of us skel etons loads of milk as com pensation for having to work overtime,” said busser Jim Reaper. “I think it’s because of some stereotype that we drink milk for strong bones or something like that. It sucks, because I’m lactose intolerant and my rent has to be paid in U.S. currency.”

Despite other skeletons’ frustration, one skeleton has expressed satisfaction with his new job. “It takes a lot of strength and courage and coolness to deal with an intense and important job like this, which is why this job is just right for me!” said Chef Papi Russ. “I also enjoy seeing people try my famous spaghetti. Nyeh heh heh heh!”

UCSD’s administration took notice of the high pro ductivity and low cost of the skeletons and encouraged other on-campus employ ers to increase employment rates of the paranormal. As of this past week, the Can yonview Aquatic Center has employed three Creatures from the Black Lagoon as lifeguards and swim instruc tors. Meanwhile, Coun seling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has “adopt ed” a couple of werewolves as “spooky therapy dog gos,” and even the Biology department has welcomed Frankenstein’s monster as a lab research assistant.

Local Man Discovers He, Too, Has Hormones

MThe MQ Hits the Gymm

When midterm stress gets us down, we go to the gym to blast the anxiety out of our body. We present our gym tips and routines to help you get your workout pumped.

Machines We Use

• Vertical treadmill

• City with bike lanes

• Spiral StairMaster

• Electric kettlebells

xWhat Our SoulCycle Instructor Yells at Us

• Gas prices are at an all-time high!

• If you’re pedaling so hard, why haven’t you moved an inch?!

• Why aren’t you wearing a helmet?!

Muscles We Work Out

Innovative Workouts

• Ask the receptionist to chase you around and yell, “I’m gonna getcha!”

• Have back-to-back classes in Revelle and Rady

• Push a boulder up a hill for all of eternity

• Try lifting the lighter weights, they’re easier

• Pull yourself up by your bootstraps

• Kick with both legs at the same time

• Bench (sit on it)

BY CLAIRE MCNERNEY Staff Writer

Amob of angry senior citi zen protesters, armed with signs reading “There are only two genders” and “Pronouns are a sin,” began terrorizing passersby outside of a CVS last Tuesday. “I was just trying to get my flu shot when these old people started screaming at me to show them my genitalia,” re called Betti LaCrux (18, she/ her), a paleontology student.

On his motives, Carl Misenberger (68, “normal pronouns”/“the man ones”) stated, “We needed to prove that she was a woman. It would be a disaster of this shameful modern age to see a man shopping at CVS. It’s just not natural.”

Misenberger reported that LaCrux flipped him off before she entered the store, at which point he said loud ly, “Go figure. Now I don’t even get an excuse to look

down her pants. Women and their hormones.”

Before the sliding doors shut, Misenberger heard a voice from inside the CVS replying, “You have hor mones too, you know!”

Misenberger responded, intermittently barking and foaming at the mouth: “You’re telling me that I, a man, have hormones? You saying I’m one of those transgenders?” Misenberg er charged towards the CVS, but was stopped abruptly at the threshold by the warn ing of fellow protestor Lo gan Daschund, who said, “Don’t you go in, Carl. Don’t you be a pussy.” Misenberg er returned to his sign-hold ing companions, dog-like ears pinned back.

Misenberger began try ing to work on an “epic comeback,” muttering things like, “How dare you insult me! The only ‘hor mones’ I get are whore moans, you understand?

And it ain’t me doing the moaning!” When a reporter on the scene explained to him that hormones are a vi tal aspect of the body’s natu ral processes, Misenberger spat in her face.

Another protestor, Domi nic Weston, tilted his head a full 90 degrees. “Natural? Like, organic? Like, pastureraised? Like Blue Diamond brand dog food?”

At this point, having re ceived her flu shot, LaCrux exited the CVS. Misenberger shouted at her, “Get your estrogen-ridden, uterus-ful body out of this parking lot! What with all these cars, it’s a man’s place and a man’s place only.”

LaCrux grimaced and said, “At least my testos terone hasn’t made me such an idiot dog.” In re sponse, Misenberger did a spit take with his own saliva, saying, “Testoster one? Wasn’t that outlawed during Prohibition?” At

this point, LaCrux walked out of the parking lot.

Misenberger and the other protestors howled after her. As soon as she was out of sight, he dipped his nose to the ground and began sniffing a trail that led him right back to the CVS. Growl ing, he began to scratch at his clothing, ripping it off to reveal a layer of graybrown fur not quite thick enough to avoid a pub lic indecency charge. He growled towards his fel low protestors, and each of them followed suit, transforming into crea tures that a CVS cashier described as “ungodly — or more aptly, ‘bitches.’” They ran off into the day on all fours.

In a statement issued from his cage in the pound, Misenberger said, “I did what was right. It’s the god damn women who have all those wrongs.”

“The new employees have been really skimpy with the portions,” shared Belmont. “The burritos are bare bones.”

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

“Men have hormones?!” Misenberger exclaimed. “That’s endo-cringe.”

PHOTO BY JAMES WOOLLEY

Ninth College Construction “Hits Rock Bottom”

ELISE JONAS-DELSON Staff Writer

UC San Diego students who report feeling like “small fish” in the meta phorical “big pond” that is their university may soon feel this analogy hitting even closer to home, as UCSD has announced plans to con struct and anchor Ninth Col lege within the Pacific Ocean, just off the coast of its main land campus.

“Our original blueprint for Ninth placed it north of Sev enth College, because who needs Genessee Avenue, any way?” Facilities Management Director Roger Hansen ex plained. “But then we ended up hitting a few too many road bumps — and the occasional small animal — so we had to make our plans more fluid.”

The new addition to UCSD’s flagship college system, driven by its mis

sion statement of “Mak ing a Splash,” will feature stateroom-style dorms and classrooms equipped with safety goggles, life vests, and state-of-the-art motion sick ness paper bags. Aquariumcaliber glass will surround the exterior, creating a “seathrough” environment that is reportedly part of the uni versity’s “commitment to transparency in all forms.”

Engineers who worked on the blueprint cited UCSD’s world-class Birch Aquarium as their inspiration for the project. “If you really think about it, students aren’t that different from aquarium fish,” engineer Etch Asketch said. “They require food and water, they’re part of a school, and for some reason they can’t shake the feel ing that someone’s always watching them.”

Ninth College will extend Seventh College’s climate

change–themed academic se quence with a new program based around the idea of “from learning it to living it.”

This will involve a real-world laboratory of life after the ad vent of sea level rise. Special emphasis will be placed on building teamwork skills and trust among students so that the buildings do not flood and inundate the students’ classrooms and living quar ters with seawater. “These days, it’s an invaluable lesson to learn that ensuring society continues to function is but one massive group project,” Hansen said, before pausing to take his KN95 mask off to sneeze. He continued, “When we can’t work together to solve the crises of the present, we all go down with the ship.”

While academic advi sors are still developing ad ditional general education requirements for Ninth Col lege students, the advising

department strongly recom mends Ninth for students who are interested in marine biology, social psychology, or “oddly obsessed with the panopticon model.”

However, several students have risen in opposition to the plan, including the organ izer of Keep UCSD Afloat, Matt Prodhorn. “When we asked UCSD to submerge their plans for adding a ninth college and to stop using additional land to grow the university, we weren’t asking them to take us literally,” Prodhorn said. “The bar is underwater at this point — we’ve really reached a new low. You could say we’ve hit rock bottom.”

In response to students’ complaints, UCSD released a statement simply advising them: “Just look at the world around you … Right here on the ocean floor … Such won derful things surround you … What more is you lookin’ for?”

Ask Emily Queue

College Relationship Edition

Dear Emily Queue, what’s the best breakup outfit?

You are a stooge to consumerism if you’re thinking about your outfit before your breakup monologue. Here’s what you should do: go into hiding. Read Shakespeare. Spy on strangers’ breakups for ideas. Speak to yourself in riddles. Reinvent the concept of a person. Then you will be ready to break up with your partner. And when you do, be sure to wear silver jewelry to bring out the cool tones in your face.

Dear Emily Queue, are lab goggles important for safe sex?

To have the safest sexual experience, you’ll need to do more than tie your hair back: you need to follow all lab safety protocols. Safety goggles are a must in the event of rogue “chemical spills,” but when the goggles come off in the heat of passion, you’ll need to know the location of the nearest eyewash station. You’ll also need to avoid tight clothing — and loose clothing, shorts or skirts, and open-toed shoes. In fact, you should not wear clothes. Not only to be safe, but so you can actually make it all the way.

Dear Emily Queue, what is the best “wife material?”

Personally, I am rather partial to flannel. It’s a storied and dependable material, loved by fashionable lumberjacks and Urban Outfitters employees alike. If you’re looking for something a little more bold, try whatever they sprayed on Bella Hadid for that one dress. I imagine that kind of wife as bold and exciting, a relationship à la Gone Girl. Whatever you choose, remember that your fabric simulacrum cannot replicate the true warmth of flesh. You are only deluding yourself and others.

Dear Emily Queue, how can I maintain an online relationship if UCSD’s internet keeps going down?

Do you remember how people sustained their relationships before the Internet? Well, back in the “olden days,” people had to use pieces of paper, on which they wrote words. They then put those papers in larger pieces of paper that could contain smaller papers — called “envelopes” — lick the alleged envelope (with their tongue), and then mail it to their lover’s address. The lover then waited a couple of days or even weeks for it to be delivered. Upon arrival, the lover read the words on the paper and reciprocated the process. So if you really want to maintain that special relationship, you’re gonna need to do all that. Or you can just call them like the rest of us, bozo.

Dear Emily Queue, which Stuart Art Collection piece is the most romantic backdrop for our first kiss?

The trick to making your first kiss special is to meticulously plan it in a way that makes the moment feel spontaneous and effortless. Prepare for this kiss as if you were carefully arranging 71 pink and white granite blocks so they look haphazardly thrown together. No, really — you should go to the 71 pink and white granite blocks located south of Revelle. The La Jolla Project, also known as “Stonehenge,” is the most romantic spot on campus, and your lover deserves nothing less. Put on your cutest outfit, brush your teeth, and prepare to lock lips in front of the Mona Lisa of the West.

POINT

I Think I’ll Be a Witch for Halloween This Year

BY ANNA HUTCHINSON Muir College Sophomore

I’m not sure. I think it could be fun. I have a lot of ideas.

I’ve always wanted to dress up as a Rodent of Unusual Size (R.O.U.S.) from The Princess Bride, but who has time to make a costume these days?

My bio professor assigns something like 500 pages of reading a week, so how could I possibly find the time to make the costume of a mangier, marginally more homicidal version of Chuck E. Cheese?

What do you mean, you don’t think that Charles is homicid al? Are you out of your mind?

He has the smile of a man who has disassembled a human corpse for his own amuse ment. Anyway, I also consid ered going as sexy Mar-a-Lago, but I didn’t have access to 300 confidential documents. Time and again I develop grand ambitions, “shooting for the

moon” as it were. Not only do I fail to land among the metaphorical stars, I come crashing back down to Earth with the knowledge that I am too profoundly mediocre, too shot through with human foi bles, to ever fulfill my dreams for myself. I might just go to Spirit Halloween and buy a witch costume for like 15 bucks or something. It’s not the most creative thing, but it’ll do the job, and with every one being so into crystals and shit I think something occult could be a hit. You know?

COUNTERPOINT

Thou Art a Wretched Sinner, Utterly Unworthy of God’s Love

BY BARTHOLOMEW GOODMAN Chief Witchfinder, Plymouth Colony

Verily, I hath not spent all my life in the True & Chris tian profession of witch finding for an impudent charla tan such as thyself to go about making merry on the subject of witchcraft. I am certain that all of my esteemed and pious readership hath read Despota mius Wycliffe’s illustrious trea tise Daemonologie, or The Sci ence and Physicks of Witchcraft; Being a Collation of Accounts of the Misdeeds of Witches, War locks, and All Others Who Wor ship Satan. However, on the three-penny chance that thou hast not, I shall recount por tions of this insightful tome. In the once-godly town of Sud bury, in the Colony of Massa chusetts Bay, Brother Despota mius remarked that witchcraft had insidiously made its way into the minds and hearts of the populace; that it began as lighthearted experimentations with new physicks, such as cooking bull testicle stew to cure syphi lis. From there, it progressed to more advanced forms of witch craft, such as Black Forkedtongue Lizard Babylonian Bowel Cleansing Magick and an obscure form of perverted

TOP TEN

Flemish necromancy known as “the Antwerp squeeze.” Soon, by various spells and induce ments, the whole population was subjected to the will of Sa tan. This is what could become of ye, shouldst thou insist on continuing such vile jests about witchcraft! Thy flesh shall drop from thy bones and thou shalt be infested with weevils as though thou were a corpse, for thou hast gone out from the presence of the Lord and consigned thyself to eternal fire! Thy so-called “Witch Cos tume” bears the mark of Cain! Witchcraft may be an object of mockery for ye now, to be imi tated childishly by costumes and various false vestments, but soon it shall develop ear nestly and thou shalt all be on thy knees before the red scaly visage of Lucifer and his min ions! Let this be a warning to ye all! Egad!

Questions Even the Riddler Can’t Answer

10. Can you see our screen? 9. What’s up dog? 8. How do we summon Herobrine? 7. With inflation being so high, is it still a penny for your thoughts?

6. If every action has an equal and opposite reaction, where is pushed pork? 5. How can we be under arrest for tax fraud if we don’t even pay taxes?

4. Why is he called Batman if he sucks at baseball?

3. Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?

2. Why do Mom and Dad sleep in separate bedrooms?

1. Best cheesecake recipes?

“Yeah, there were a few preventable issues,” admitted one engineer. “We probably should’ve done a dry run first.”

PHOTO BY AMIT ROTH

Angry Local Politician Hates American Education System, But Not for the Same Reasons as Everyone Else

BY KARINA YU Staff Writer

On October 3rd, Florida

state representative Glenn Miller intro duced a bill in the House of Representatives. The bill, formally titled the Education Reformation Act, contains a variety of plans, including reductions to public school budgets, higher taxation on educational materials such as textbooks, and the removal of many “unnec essary” structures in many public high schools and col leges across the country. In the bill, Miller deems caf eterias, auditoriums, and gymnasiums to be among such structures. But many academics, such as Profes sor Corley Wallace, criticized the bill as “reductive” and “harmful to the vast major ity of Americans who rely on an already strained public school system.”

“Miller intends to take the shambles of our educa tional system and stick it in

a garbage disposal,” Wallace stated. “When most politi cians were focused on the best way to improve our schools, Miller has found the hill he wants to die on: America’s greatest enemy is education itself.”

In an interview with Fox News, Miller explained the logic behind the bill. “When I look out into the American political scene, I see problem after problem. There is a great schism between the Left and the Right, racial tensions are increasing nationwide, and false information is every where. And after a lot of mull ing it over, I found the issue: overeducation.” While many Americans regard education as a generally positive thing, Miller reminisced on the past, when “people were happier,” and credited that happiness to lower levels of educational attainment. “Back when I was a kid, only a few people got to go to college. And that was good. Now that everyone can go, everyone is just too … in volved. Too aware. And that

makes people sad. We should make America great again: back when only some of us went to college and everyone was happier.”

Daily Wire correspond ent Benny Goodman went to Twitter to voice his approval, saying, “Miller is obviously correct. That’s why kids are so happy! They don’t have to think about the sociopo litical situation in America, they just shove crayons up their noses and sniff glue. Babies aren’t born under standing systemic violence, they’re taught it!”

Many people took to the streets to protest the bill. Students and parents alike argued that the reforms were more harmful than helpful. Demonstrators held signs with slogans like “Go Away Glenn,” “This isn’t what we meant when we said the American education system was problematic!” and “This is giving big ‘couldn’t pass my chemistry class’ energy.”

In response, the local Vons and 7-Eleven declared a state

of emergency. A protester tweeted a picture with a sign reading “What next? Turn schools into golf courses — prime real estate!” which Miller retweeted with the caption, “This guy gets it!”

In response to increased protests, Goodman went on his show, The Benny Good man Show , and claimed that most of the protesters were “thumb-shaped young women coping with the fact that they’re underloved, overeducated millennials with no Bumble matches” and that “if they didn’t read the news or attend that Crit ical Gender Studies 100A class, they would care about more important issues, not all this ‘rights’ and ‘civil liberties’ crap.”

Miller declined to make further comments on the situation. However, an in sider leaked that Miller’s next big step focuses on solving overeducation for already-educated individu als. His main idea is a really big brick to the head.

BY EDWARD COLI Cell Psychologist

You are made of cells. On the most fundamental level, everything is made of cells — the plants you forget to water, the mold growing on those tortillas that have sat in the pantry for weeks, the food you eat, the air you breathe, the couch you’re sitting on as you skim through this cry for help without giving it a second thought. Everything you have ever tasted, touched, smelled, and seen is made of tiny little cells, and every single one of those cells has feelings.

Scientifically speaking, a cell is a tiny friend. Just like us, cells have their own cultures. They love consuming media. They even appreciate a good broth, especially during soup season. Cells can grow under a variety of conditions, and their tenacity inspires me every single day.

Prisons and people — they’re both made of cells. Do you ever think that your body is like a prison, and your cells are all trying to break free? Life on Earth be gan with single-celled organ isms, and it wants to return to that. Did you ever stop to ask your cells if they wanted to be a part of you? Maybe a cell on your scalp found its true calling as an oxygen carrier in your bloodstream, but it was stuck in a dead-

end job, only to become a piece of dandruff that you unabashedly swept off your shoulder. Maybe that cell dreamed of living in the ocean. Maybe that cell was tired of the rigid structure, of the rules, of living a life dic tated by your genetic code. It had a whole life ahead of it before you mindlessly flicked it off onto the dirty Whole Foods bathroom floor and left it to be trampled on for the rest of its life, alone. In order to understand the mental state of a cell, it is im portant to understand their physical state. Many cells have rigid walls, and while this is a structurally important feature, this prevents the cell from be ing vulnerable and honest about their feelings. I believe the cell’s inability to overcome these physical and emotional walls is one reason people never stop to wonder about the cell’s emotional state. Of course the cell seems fine on the outside. Of course it an swers, “How are you?” with “Good! How about yourself?” Of course it puts on a smile and never complains and makes pleasant conversation even though it feels like it is dying on the inside, like it’s alone even when it’s surround ed by people, like everyone sees through it, like a speck of dust in the vast universe that no one will ever really notice.

If all the so-called “empaths” of the world tried being actu ally empathetic for once in their fucking lives, they would realize our tiny friends are cry ing out for help, for someone to notice them, for someone to see their suffering and feel their pain and actually, actu ally understand what they are going through. But no. You only think about yourself.

“Their parents are already educated; I’m sure their knowledge will trickle down,” said one Glenn Miller supporter.

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

Baltimore,

Jeremiah Lamp,

Darren Daley, Silicon Valley

The MQ Goes to a

Welcome to the Haunted House, home of ghosts, a child’s young life. Here you will get lost, go home grateful that you don’t live

“ The moment I came within 500 yards of the haunted house, I could tell the vibes were rotting. I started screaming. Then my friend told me to shut up, because we weren’t even in the haunted house yet. That was more traumatizing than anything in this stupid house.”

The owner’s 16-year-old son who vapes all the time, who we use in place of a fog machine.

The person who wouldn’t stop taking pictures of us even after we asked them not to. Scary!

“ I loved this haunted Somebody told me about mate change, which frightened me. Then somebody told most of an atom is empty Bone-chilling. 10/10.”

A wide puddle, which you encounter when you’re only wearing socks

A ball pit with a knife

a Haunted House

ghosts, ghouls, and the weirdest smells of lost, see something you wish you hadn ’t, and in this reorganized Spirit Halloween.

The back rooms where a psychic gave us a life-changing prophecy, then disappeared when we tried to ask a clarifying question. We were almost trampled by the back half of a horse and narrowly avoided an attack from a wasp nest. P.S. The self-destruct button is not the elevator call button.”

house. about clifrightened me that empty space.

The 100 crows who scared us by showing us the beating heart under the floorboards.

“ When I was but a lad, a child threw a dodgeball at my youthful, virginal body, thus destroying my chances at entering God’s pearly gates…THAT was the most traumatizing event I’ve ever experienced. But the haunted house was pretty scary too.”

A hidden speaker that plays the default iPhone alarm sound at random intervals

knife in it

Timothée Chalamet Goes Outside, Buys Milk

BY EVERETT RIRIE Content Editor

This morning, Timothée Chalamet was spotted outside of his New York City apartment, apparently “on an important mission” to pick up groceries. He walked alone, embody ing the “brooding loner” archetype the public has come to love his characters for. “He’s so brave,” Trader Joe’s employee Kari Queen said, wiping tears from her eyes with a handkerchief. “Despite his busy sched ule as Hollywood’s bright est rising star, he somehow found the time to make his trip to Trader Joe’s person ally, showing how he’s nev er afraid to mingle with us average joes.”

This wouldn’t be the first time Chalamet has made this trip. On Octo

ber 24th, he was also seen going to the convenience store wearing a brown overcoat and sunglasses; an outfit that he has worn again today. “Timothée apparently has no qualms about donning the same outfit twice. He’s so hum ble,” said Queen.

On this previous trip to Trader Joe’s, Chalamet bought a variety of house hold cleaning supplies. “I was starstruck,” said Geoff Hyneman, the clerk who rang up Chalamet. “I’ll never forget it. He bought two sponges, a latex glove, and rubber bands — prob ably to attend to some housework. Clearly a man of the people.”

During his most re cent outing, however, Chalamet’s fans were more prepared. “This time, I

made sure I was there when Timothée needed me. I want to be the clerk he knows he can always depend on. Whether it’s groceries, a back massage, or being the godparent of his babies, I’m there for him,” said Hyneman, after bagging Chalamet’s goods for the second time. “He seemed driven in a way only a Hollywood super star could be. He had only one thing on his mind: milk, whole. He clearly trusted me to keep his in dulgence in whole over skim a secret, despite the unimaginable pressures the public puts on him to keep his body so perfectly scrawny. If he ever hears about this, I want him to know I’ll take that secret to my grave, or my name isn’t Geoff Geohn Hyneman.”

After two recent out ings, fans have begun to wonder how Chalamet jug gles it all. “How can he be so successful and talented and handsome and still have the time to surprise his adoring fans with a trip to the convenience store?” door greeter Davie Lam borda said. “I can’t han dle the pressure anymore. I’m on edge every second, wondering if he’ll walk through the door. One time Natalia Dyer walked in and I almost had a heart attack. I thought it was Timothée.” “Personally, I love the attention the store is get ting,” said Trader Joe’s manager Arya Tomson. “Ever since Timothée came here to buy six gallons of Lysol extra-strength toilet bowl cleaner and a plung er, sales have tripled.”

UCSD to Repaint Geisel Lobby After Redesign Blinds Students

HOROSCOPES

Scorpio

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Happy Scorpio season! Feel free to use your limitededition power-ups to flex on all of your friends. Put on a funky pair of pants. Climb a tree. Read a textbook. Be wild. No one is allowed to judge you, and you are not allowed to judge anyone either. It’s all about balance.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You are so sad. Turn that frown upside down, sister, because this month you have double the chance to win any giveaways you enter! Remember, zero times zero is still zero. But you were never good at math, so maybe you still have a shot.

Capricorn

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You need to open up. You’ve been bottling up your feelings for way too long. Get rid of your front door as a first step in your quest to become more open. Maybe also invest in bug spray. But stay away from chemicals!

Aquarius

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

A Civil War reenactment is in the cards for you this month. Unfortunately, you might succumb to dysentery or the sunk cost fallacy, leading to your untimely death. However, no one will miss you. Consider haunting a Bass Pro Shop after you expire. Commune with the fishes.

Pisces

Feb. 19 – Mar. 21

Use your overactive intuition to divine applicable mean ing to your restless and anxiety-ridden life. Also, go chop some potatoes. Your soul desires a simple, routine movement, and you want to eat soup.

Aries

Mar. 22 – Apr. 19

The sun is in Aries this month, so permission granted to launch yourself into the nearest star. It might solve all your problems, so give it a shot! The worst-case scenario is that you wouldn’t exist to have problems anymore. And how cool would it be to shine so bright?

Taurus

Apr. 20 – May 20

The sun is in Mars. Mercury is in the Asteroid Belt. Pluto is a planet again. With the solar system so out of whack, you might have conflicted feelings. A good course of action is to break up with your boyfriend. This will go so well and you will never regret it.

Gemini May 21 – Jun. 20

Have you ever planted a skimmer on an ATM? Heaven knows you could use the cash, but be careful not to get your adrenaline up too high. You are in a fragile place this month, like a wine glass filled with apple juice in the hands of an amped-up toddler.

Cancer

Jun. 21 – Jul. 22

You are making the right choices. The people you sur round yourself with help you shine as your fabulous self. Be sure to deflect any attempts they make to support you, though, because self-sufficiency is number one in the book of Teddy Roosevelt. But always remember to cater to the needs of absolutely everyone around you.

Leo Jul. 23 –

BY MELINA CRUZ Staff Writer

Upon the recent unveiling of the new Geisel reno vation, students flocked to the library to witness what many email newsletters described as “the absolute grace and majesty we so be nevolently bestow upon our valued students.” However, many of the students visiting were not prepared to experi ence the intensity of the lat est redesign, leading to what some have described as a “mega blinding event.”

“The current and im proved lighting is roughly 1,045.83 times brighter than the previous light fixtures. Now, we can see every single grimy smudge, fingerprint, and stain on everyone’s laptop screens, and judge them si lently for it all day,” said Wilma Gibbons, a librarian. Gibbons stated that the redesign was necessary “to raise morale,” and that Geisel’s “prison-like structure” had been in need of

the “soft touch of a suburban mom who has had a field day at IKEA.”

Students, however, were quick to protest the change, stating the design made the space “uncomfortable,” “al most corporate,” and “akin to a Google exec’s sad little living room.” Other students have stated that the redesign will be detrimental to their health and safety, notwithstanding its im pact on UCSD’s Niche grade.

“I walked in after a gloomy day of sobbing through my OChem lecture, when all of a sudden, bright, blinding, searing pain from the new Geisel lighting prac tically decimated both my eyeballs,” said freshman Lenny McDermott, who has resorted to wearing an eye patch on each eye. “Now, I have no eyes left to cry. But it’s okay, I’m learning to get around by echolocation.”

Senior Lily Santiago said she “didn’t even try to step into the building” when she saw what

awaited her beyond the doors. “It was like staring straight into the gates of Hell and locking eyes with the Devil himself. Or maybe that was just one of the librarians. Ei ther way, it triggered a massive mi graine. Not even Geisel’s musty at mosphere has caused that before.”

Leading the pushback from students and staff members alike was a group of students who formed a petition to rerepaint Geisel’s lobby, which quickly soared past 15,000 sig natures. But only after a recordbreaking number of blinding in cidents were reported to Student Health Services did Chancellor Khosla agree to a repainting.

“I am pleased to announce that we’ve reached a solid com promise. Of course, in no way will we be dimming the brilliant interior lighting that is such an important component of our new Geisel lobby,” Khosla said. “Instead, we will erect a statue of the Sun God himself in every corner of the lobby, alongside a miniature What Hath God Wrought directly in the center

of Geisel and visible on all floors. When students gather around these figures, it will pro vide them with relief from the dazzling overhead lighting and unite them around the Stuart Art Collection. School spirit is key, and this is how we will achieve that if we can no longer blind students with our shining prestige and flashy monetary donations. How else can we have a library ‘like non other?’”

Geisel will be shut down for a second repainting and redesign for an undetermined amount of time, ranging from “half an hour to four years, give or take.” Library Walk will also be shut down along its entire length for the same time. “We must be cautious,” Khosla add ed. “But nothing displays our self-improvement more than shutting down another major part of the school for some ad ditional construction. In the meantime, I encourage each and every one of you to find other ways to read, to write, to think, and to shine.”

Aug.

22

You should go surfing. The freezing temperatures of the Pacific will help to cool the fire under your ass and stop you from flaming out. Burning the candle at both ends is a surefire way to get what you want, but it comes with a cost. You won’t have a candle anymore.

Virgo

Aug. 23 – Sep.

You know that person who gives you the heebie-jee bies? You are well within your rights to do whatever comes to mind. Key their car. Put their toothbrush in the toilet. Buy them flowers, to keep them on their toes. Then lock them in a hot air balloon and send them up into the stratosphere.

Libra

22

Sep. 23 – Oct. 22

Do you know how important you are? Your friends rely on you as a pillar of their wellbeing. If you turned into a bat, they would trust you not to give them rabies. Bal ancing is a talent of yours, but be careful not to juggle too many jellyfish or you’ll get bitten.

“I can’t believe he bought cow’s milk,” declared Lamborda. “I’m still a fan, but just a little bit less.”

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

“We want students to be drawn to the library like moths to a flame,” said Gibbons.

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

Local Christians Claim Halloween as a Precursor to Christmas

“I think I almost have my Jesus costume nailed down,” said one trick-or-treater.

BY MADDIE SAMANIEGO Staff Writer

Last Sunday, a local Chris tian group called “Holy Spirit Halloweeners” amassed outside of a local Spirit Halloween, claiming that the “Spirit” in the store name was, in fact, the Holy Spirit. Bearing signs with Bible verses and portraits of a disappointed Jesus, the group notified shoppers of their apparent support for this new Christian holiday.

The Holy Spirit Hallow eeners have shown up to middle schools to jeer at stu dents for their blasphemous costumes. “Those people shamed me for my devil horns and red tutu!” said one local middle schooler. “My friend Sarah got, like, so many compliments on her halo and angel wings, while they all just, like, called me a Satanist or whatever. All we

wanted to do was look cute in our Insta post!”

At the demonstration, the group sang acoustic covers of Halloween songs, such as “I Always Feel Like Jesus is Watching Me,” “Calling All the Disciples,” and “The Jesus Mash.”

When asked about this newfound holiday cheer, Christian singer/song writer James Crusifictchen stated, “I used to think that Halloween was just a ploy to get children to worship Satan. Now my eyes have been opened to the power of Jesus’ love. What better way to oppose the devil than by accepting Hallow een as Jesus would, and us ing the night to spread the good word?” Crusifictchen also stated that this Hal loween, he’d be dressing up as Ephesians 4:32, and passing out Bible verses in stead of candy.

PHOTO BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA

Local children, however, are upset by this change in sentiment. Nine-yearold Billy Bumpkin com plained to his parents: “I want candy! I don’t wanna go to church on Halloween! That’s boring!” He was also heard conspiring with other children in hopes of stag ing a revolution against the Holy Spirit Halloweeners.

On the contrary, parents are relieved at the addition of Christ to Halloween. “I’m not even religious, but if go ing to church will put my kids to sleep at a reasonable time, we’ll go. Usually, they eat pounds of candy and don’t sleep for three days straight. They’re mad, but Halloween is on a Monday this year. It’s a school night!” said a self-pro claimed mommy blogger on her page “Wine and Shine.”

Even at the promise of communion and sugar-free candy, many children would

rather be in the streets trickor-treating, to the dismay of dentists. In fact, local dentist Dr. Cava Teerum is all for this change in celebration, ex pressing his excitement for Christ’s power in prevent ing cavities in his younger patients. “Halloween is a dentist’s worst nightmare. Filling a child’s cavity is ter rible for all involved. With youth off the streets and in church pews this Halloween, I suspect we’ll see a decrease in emergency dentist visits during the weeks following. I mean, sure, I make mon ey off of cavities, but that doesn’t mean I want patients to have them!”

As this movement be comes more widespread, religious theorists expect that soon, Christians will be claiming May 4th, also known as Star Wars Day, with the slogan “May the power of Christ be with you.”

Italy Elects Mussolini’s Reanimated Corpse as Prime Minister

EDITORIAL Competitive Eating Is Good for the Economy

BY DUSTIN “AMERICAN HERO” CREATER

Professional Eater

Iam an American hero. I am the one who keeps local businesses afloat during COVID-19, who provides the money to put kids through school, who showcases res taurants to the public. As I stuff spoon after spoon of biryani into my gullet, I flash a smile to make sure my cap tive audience knows how de licious it tastes. When I later pack an ice cream parlor full of people to watch me de molish an eight pound ice cream sundae, what I’m ac tually doing is providing the owner with pure, American capital. Sure, I may win $100 worth of free ice cream, but that’s just the price you pay for good publicity.

I don’t really care for politics, as in my experi ence, neither party is any good at helping the Ameri can people get the oversized portions they deserve. I’m out in the streets every day, working hard to help small businesses across this great country while politicians sit on their asses in Washington D.C. arguing about which bill they want to pass next and how they can screw over the everyday man. While they are squabbling, I’m mobilizing a group of patri ots who are doing valuable work. You may not know

who they are, but these un known American heroes are out there. They are the ones who look over a menu, find the largest thing on there, and demolish it. People around them are filled with awe and inspired to order and eat more. If the average American ate just six ounces more per meal, the econo my would be fixed in days. Look at Canada. Now there’s a country that knows how to eat. Canadian citizens make me look like an ama tuer. A Canadian can eat an entire moose in a day! That’s roughly five thousand dollars going into their robust econ omy. In one day, by one per son. “But Dustin,” you say, “I can’t eat a whole moose — I’m vegetarian!” Well, I say more power to you. Being vegetar ian doesn’t stop you from eating more. That’s the key to saving America from the re cession. Eat that tofu, or that salad, or whatever makes you feel happy, but eat more. Eat until the owner has to come out and say, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we don’t have any more food for you. Thank you for spending your hard-earned money at my establishment. I really appreciate it and hope you enjoyed your food.” Then keep doing it. At first it may be hard to eat a lot, but as with everything, a little time and effort will soon have you eat ing like a champ.

We may not be able to agree on who sits in the White House, or what food is the best, but I hope we can unite, as a proud na tion, over this important task. I hope you all take my message to heart and start visiting your local estab lishments. Becoming a hero like me is only one spoonful away, and I hope you all join me in lifting that spoon.

TOP TEN Things Your Orientation Leader Forgot to Mention

BY JACOB KING Managing Editor

Last week, Giorgia Meloni, who was expected to be come Italy’s first female prime minister, stepped down as head of the Broth ers of Italy Party. Meloni made an appearance on the Italian TV network Non No tizie False, joined by what viewers described as “a hulk ing beast of gray skin and bulging muscles.”

“The second he came on screen, I knew who that sexy man was,” said Viviana Ro mano, a former newsstand operator. “I’ve bought a Mus solini calendar every year since my 18th birthday back in ’81. His face may be horribly dis figured, but I would recognize those defined pecs anywhere.”

Despite this sudden charge in leadership, the right-wing alliance still won a majority in parliament. Un der Italian election laws, the head of the winning coalition becomes prime minister — in this case, the reanimated corpse of Benito Mussolini.

Many wonder where this gray behemoth came from. While there are no confirmed accounts of its creation, one dock worker reported seeing its entrance to the country. “It was crazy, bro,” said Nico di Simone. “I was inspecting this cargo ship coming in from Turkey, and I saw two guys walking next to this huge monster carrying cargo containers. You know those big color ful ones? He had like two of those on each shoulder.

I asked the guys what they had there. They just said ‘cargo’ and walked away.”

Reports of this new Mus solini coming in from Turkey have sparked controversy among some Italian voters. The right wing alliance runs on a largely anti-immigration platform, and claims that Mus solini is now a Turkish immi grant have been the topic of debate. “I, for one, do not care,” said Isabella Palazzo. “This new guy has some very useful skills that the Italian people need. If there were a thousand

reanimated Mussolini corpses, I would let in a thousand reani mated Mussolini corpses.”

Some right wing voters support Mussolini’s return for other reasons, claiming that his rule will bring stability and a return to traditional values. “Mussolini is like the father of this great land,” said Adel mo Ossining. “And Italy is his beautiful, supple wife. They are going to be joined once again in perfect union after so long apart, and we, the citi zens of Italy, their 60 million children, are rejoicing.”

Outside of the Musso lini debate, many are won dering what happened to ousted party leader Gior gia Meloni. “I truly do not mind. I don’t care much for politics — fantasy is my first love,” said Meloni in a recent interview. “Con servativism is my second love, and my third love is the possibility of combin ing the two. I’ve always seen Lord of the Rings as a conservative allegory, and I would really like to explore

that more. I see Sauron as a representation of big gov ernment, and Frodo as a rugged individualist fight ing against the state.”

Meloni has begun a new venture explaining her con servative reading of Tolk ien’s classic work on Twitch, a livestreaming site. She has become what is known as a “VTuber.” Instead of showing her face, Meloni’s voice comes out of a selfmade “anime-style” avatar that she controls using a special program. Her lives tream has surged up to 500 average viewers, and people have dubbed her the “Dark Lord of Twitch.”

After his election, Mus solini gave a historic speech at the Italian parliament building in Rome. Many tried to attend the speech in person, but not all were able to make it. Gerardo Arosio, a staunch Mussolini sup porter, said, “I really wanted to see Mussolini’s historic speech, but my train was an hour late.”

“So, do we call him Mussolini or Mussolini’s monster?” asked Romano.

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

Disney Announces Yet Another Muppet Movie

The MQ Creates a D&D Character

BY AMIT ROTH Staff Writer

Last week, news broke by tweet from returning di rector Bob Jamesin about the Walt Disney Company’s intentions of producing an other Muppet movie. Jamesin tweeted, “Nothing’s con firmed, but I might be ‘pulling some strings’ in @henson company. Stay tuned.” The replies have been buzzing with surprise and specula tion, though Jamesin con firmed that he has yet to make a “kermitment” to any one idea.

Jamesin broke down his directorial thoughts on the upcoming film in a later panel. “We’re not sure yet, but it’s probably going to be a beloved story reimagined with the Muppet gang. Au diences loved The Muppet Christmas Carol and Mup

pet Treasure Island . Either that,” Jamesin continued, “or the Muppets will be in the human world and need to bring the gang back to gether or something … that’s kind of our default.” When pressed with more questions on that key creative deci sion, Jamesin began listing works from which the movie might pull inspiration, all of which were public domain.

However, there are those less enthused about the prospect of another Muppet movie. Live on Instagram, Steve Whitmire, longstanding voice of Kermit the Frog, re vealed his thoughts on being brought back for another film appearance: “Now, Kermit better not do another crosscountry road trip! Convincing each Muppet to come along with a song and dance — it’s been done!” Fans were quick

to agree with Whitmire, re marking how every film’s fi nale seems cheap and not at all heart-felt.

Whitmire’s comments fueled the fire around the upcoming film, lead ing fans to create a forum where they could share their grievances. Self-pro claimed “Muppetophile” Mario Nett voiced his frus trations. “I’ve been there since 1976. Nine years old, in front of the family TV on Sunday nights. I hate to be an old man in a theater box, but don’t they know what made the Muppets so good in the first place? Sketch comedy, creativity, everything that the mov ies never had! If a teaser comes out and they have some derivative storyline, consider my continued viewership gone-zo.”

Yesterday, two teasers were released on Jamesin’s Twitter. The first attempt ed to be vague, but clearly showed Miss Piggy falling down a rabbit hole into Wonderland, leaving fans anticipating an Alice in Wonderland remake. The second teaser, however, had Miss Piggy getting the gang back together to put on a show that would im press a media corporation enough to sponsor them. Fans are split over which type of Muppet movie Dis ney could be producing, but based on the film’s tagline, “Everything’s bet ter together,” fans suspect Jamesin may be split, too. Despite the discrepancies between the trailers, fans were relieved to know that Tom Holland has been cast as Token Human Character.

Academic Integrity Violators Sent to Boingo’s Bathhouse

BY EMILY CRONAN Staff Writer

The previous motto of UC San Diego, “Plagia rize and meet your de mise,” has been replaced with a surprisingly tolerant response to boldfaced cheat ing: the establishment of a new “Anti Piracy Piracy Club” on campus. Vice Chancellor Eddy Poss describes this as a “groundbreaking” shift in the moral makeup of 21stcentury universities. He con tinued: “These days, having academic integrity is like Latin. It’s good for getting the girl, but only relevant when roleplaying Dead Poets Society — and this is a statesponsored school!”

Additionally, an increase in the frequency of university briberies has been suspected in light of recent sightings of military planes above Geisel and Galbraith. Students have speculated that some uni versity officials have made a “blood oath” with the Air Force to trade free lunches at

Café Ventanas for fighter jets rides to Pacific Beach. Vice Chancellor Poss, who identi fies with the love language of “gift giving,” posited, “Free thinkers like myself are the Adam Levines of academia. We are the one blue fish out of every five maroon fish.”

The Anti Piracy Piracy Club has been active in student outreach. A jaded third-year engineering stu dent, who goes by “CAC TUS” and speaks fondly about plagiarism on Twitter, was “surprised to see” that the official UC San Diego Twitter account retweeted his post: “Nothing like the joy of copy-pasting the Dada Manifesto for my GE writing requirement final.” CACTUS later received an email from the Anti Piracy Piracy Club, inviting him to the grand opening of “Boingo’s Bath house,” a Roman-style spa located near KSDT. When CACTUS arrived at the “An cient Student Center,” he was intercepted by a golf

cart that had been fashioned into a chariot with a sunset lamp projected from its ceil ing, held together by a thin strand of lanyard string. Another student in attend ance, a philosophy major, was shocked by the orienta tion that followed their ad mission into Boingo’s. She recalled, “Once the group entered the bathhouse, we quickly realized we were be ing initiated into a selective program consisting of the top one percent of cheaters at the home of the Tritons. We were given oodles of free merch, personality tests, tar ot readings, and even a per formance by a local clown named Morrisey.”

Vice Chancellor Poss was “selective” in his com ments about the event. In recent weeks, laid-off Student Well Being men tors from the now-defunct Student Resources Office emailed Poss for a com ment regarding their sud den dismissals. Poss re

sponded by sending each of them a 50% off coupon for Bath and Body Works and a rotisserie chicken airlifted from the La Jolla Village Square Ralphs by an attack helicopter. Film majors speculated that the gesture could have been inspired by the 2010 film Easy A , a refer ence to Top Gun: Maverick Following Poss’ “attempted bribery,” Eleanor Roosevelt College’s MMW sequence decided to forfeit strict curriculum, instead imple menting a “historical LARP ing” final where students must embody a historical item or event (such as three contrasting bibles or a stone tablet in cuneiform), or a representation of their mascot Jamal for a lecture hall of over 500 students.

To put your name on the list for bathhouse access, students can enroll in the planned “Socratic Semi nar” for Winter Quarter, and place an offering into the Chancellor’s cornucopia.

Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) is a tabletop roleplaying game in which players create characters and roll dice to play adventures with their friends. Here’s our D&D character sheet — although we’ve never had a chance to roleplay as her because our D&D group’s schedules never line up. Stats: Was a beta, is now a sigma

Speedy the Porpoise

Character Backstory

Speedy the Porpoise had a tough life growing up. She was a horse girl. She was orphaned be fore she was even born. And her life was forev er changed when she was given an accordion at the age of 10 — she became a wizard band kid at her wizard school. Realizing she was a bard and not a wizard, and yet still attend ing wizard school, she felt like an imposter in every waking moment. She accidentally invent ed kombucha. Now, she travels the countryside alone, where she can be heard yelling her signature theater-based catchphrase.

Abilities:

Can predict the fu ture, but only after it has just happened Can spit really far Can carry all the snackies and juice

Flaw:

Makes own sound effects when swing ing spear Ends every sentence with "as was foretold"

“I don’t really know what I want the plot to be yet,” said Jamesin, “but I know that Kermit’s gonna sing.”

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

“We always warned you that if you violate AI policy, you’ll be in hot water,” announced the Academic Integrity Office.

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

“They

Student Fakes Her Own Death to Avoid Jury Duty

President Dreám Announces Face Reveal

BY LUCAS GRIMWADE Staff Writer

BY MADELINE MOZAFARI Soc/Pub Queen

After hearing the news that her roommate Ayla Burton passed away, Erin Angstrom tweeted, “my goth roommate is so dra matic, she got a summons for jury duty and checked off the box that says you’re dead. props to her for com mitting to the bit tho lmao,” and “y’all the police just came to my door asking if id seen my roomie and i said shes probably halfway to transylvania by now. do you think i’ll get in trouble?”

The official Twitter account of UCSD Housing Dining Hospitality, @ucsdhdh, re sponded, “You are not in trouble if you are not found

guilty. However, please no tify us if your roommate has stopped living with you, as we have students on the waitlist. —HDH.”

Following a social me dia storm that involved students posting supposed “ghost sightings” of Bur ton, her parents were in terviewed by a student par ticularly insistent on the falsity of Burton’s death. The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, cited her “inimitable faith in the United States Justice Sys tem” and “excellent sense for the paranormal” as her reasons for investigating Burton’s death. Her report quotes Burton’s mother as stating: “What? Dead? I was just on the phone with her.

BRIEFLY SCARED

BORIS JOHNSON REELECTED AS U.K.’S NEXT PRIME MINISTER, RESIGNS

Former Prime Minister Liz Truss recently resigned after causing the current eco nomic crises facing the U.K. and prompting the value of the pound to plummet. In an overwhelming wave of support, a majority of the 170,000 dues-paying mem bers of the Conservative Party chose to reelect Boris Johnson over Rishi Sunak as the next prime minister of the United Kingdom. In his acceptance speech, former Prime Minis ter Johnson announced his resignation from the position for the second time, citing a realization that he “would much rather be ziplining” and that if he changes his mind he “can always be reelected in a month when the next prime minister resigns.”

“Boris blew the second chance we gave him,” said U.K. citizen David Collins. “I will never forget this travesty. I only voted for him because I feel nostalgic for 2019. Why can’t we go back? Luckily I won’t have to feel nostalgic for 2019 much longer because 2023 is gonna be so great! The future looks bright.”

Since the Chargers “aban doned” San Diego in 2017, the Padres are the only re maining major sports team in San Diego. The Padres did better than many expected in the playoffs, knocking out the Los Angeles Dodgers to cries of “Beat LA!” But up against the Philadelphia Phillies, an “awphilly named” team, the Padres could not find their nerve. “They are the fathers of all disappointments,” said one spectator. “If I played like that, my padre wouldn’t care if I ever came back.”

“It’s a shame,” said one fan at Petco Park, after his even ing of rooting for the home team ended in a bitter loss, which was “expected, and in all honesty deserved, con sidering how poorly [the Pa dres] played.” But his spirits were lifted when he and the few dozen remaining Padres supporters were given some leftover peanuts and Cracker Jack as consolation prizes.

One man’s enthusiasm at the loss shocked San Die gans. “Personally, I’m glad the Padres were knocked out,” said player Fernando Tatis Jr. “I was never going to let myself miss out on watch ing the World Series. Now I can watch it together with my teammates!”

I gave her a to-do list, half of which was really just my to-do list. Wait, you’re not from the Superior Court of the County of San Diego, are you? Because if you are, then she is dead, and I am just crazy. Anyway, you smell like garlic, so please get out of my house.”

Molly Raskin, Burton’s other roommate, was also interviewed by the deter mined student. Raskin re portedly stated, “I mean, she was always really pale and ice cold and never went into the sun, so it was like living with a ghost already. She also sleeps in a weirdly ornate box. And she never eats anything when we go to the dining hall together, but maybe she just has a

sensitive stomach. Anyway, she was really nonchalant about the jury summons letter. She said something like, ‘Ugh, not again, this is the fifth time this century.’ Or maybe she said ‘semes ter’ and I just heard her wrong. Either way, I hope she comes back, as a ghost or otherwise, to return all of her Triton2Go boxes.”

In the spirit of Hallow een, the Superior Court of the County of San Die go released a statement saying, “All beings sum moned for jury duty must report to the courthouse or submit an exemption statement. Being among the undead is not a valid exemption. We want you here, undead or alive.”

This past week, the new ly-elected president of L’manburg announced to his constituents that he would be doing a “face re veal” following the conclu sion of his campaign. The president, known only by his last name Dreám, was elect ed into office last September, despite having never once shown his face to the public.

The country of L’manburg, a small, hidden country lo cated off the coast of Ne braska, recently gave Dreám a 100% approval rating based on his “charming and mys terious personality.” One proud resident of L’manburg stated, “Dreám is perfect for our country! He’s cute, funny, sexy, and smart. He’s going to bring L’manburg out of the Dark Ages with his good looks alone!” In fact, most citizens were indifferent to his poli cies and accomplishments, stating, “His anonymity is what makes him attractive. That’s how he got everyone’s vote. Not because of his poli cies or whatever.”

UC REGENTS TO BEGIN RECYCLING STUDENTS

In an effort to be more sustainable, the UC Regents have decided to start recy cling students. “It’s really a no-brainer,” said UC Presi dent Michael Drake. “We’ve been recycling paper and plastic for years, and students are just as easy to recycle. We’re already used to seeing them as commodities, so this transition will be seamless.

“The recycling process will be simple: once a stu dent graduates, their degree will be shredded and used as mulch for campus landscap ing. Their body will be com posted and used to fertilize the campus’ organic gardens. And their soul will be sold to the highest bidder on the black market.”

The plan has been met with some opposition, mostly from students who are worried about being re cycled. “I don’t want to be turned into mulch,” said one student. “I’m not ready to be recycled. I still have so much potential.”

But Drake is confident that the recycling program will be a success. “Just think of it as a new chapter in your life,” she said. “You’re go ing to be transformed into something new and beauti ful. And who knows? Maybe someday you’ll be recycled into a student again.”

MOBILE STATIONERY CAUSES CONFUSION

Panic seized the student body last Monday, following an apparent violation of the laws of reality: the arrival of “Ms. Pell’s Mobile Sta tionery Store On Wheels” to campus. The street vendorstyle cart serves up luke warm pens, pencils, paper, and other office supplies. “Easy access to pencils is convenient, sure,” com mented first-year Li Turret. “But how can something be mobile and stationary at the same time?” asked Turret, tearing the last few clumps of hair from their scalp.

“I never imagined that trying to make a quick buck would leave people fear ing the end of the world,” said Pell, dodging a molo tov cocktail lobbed into York Hall. “But that’s just the game, you know? I’m hus tling, and so are these pens.”

Some students feel liber ated by the dissolution of logic and consistency. One recent dropout said, “Why bother with it? Physics is fake anyways! Check this out,” and threw a pen into a nearby recycling bin, shout ing, “Get cucked, Newton!”

Physics students have theorized that these objects represent a previously un recognized form of super position, and are currently gathering as many pens and pencils as possible, planning to throw them through a thin slit to gather data.

One teen from a small emerald-mining village commented, “I couldn't care less about politics. To be honest, I have no idea what he even stands for, but what I do know is that he’s the nic est, funniest guy and prob ably gives the bestest cuddly snugglies. Purrrr.” Dreám first gained popularity a few years back by making online content, when peo ple became “obsessed with his incredibly deep, raspy voice.” He went viral after he posted a few pictures of him self online, keeping his face hidden and instead showing his “chiseled abs, sculpted obliques, and curly blonde hair.” When Dreám’s haters, nicknamed “the Insomni acs,” asked Dreám what he was going to do to improve the country’s unemployment

JACOB KING

problem, Dreám responded with a faceless selfie and the caption “Does this answer your question?”

After the first week of his presidency, Dreám finally held a rally to reveal his face to the citizens of his coun try. He stepped out from behind the curtain, wear ing his own merchandise and a brown paper bag over his head. He screamed into the microphone, “Are you ready, my kittens?!” before slowly removing the bag from his head. Silence came over the audience. Someone screamed from the crowd, “He looks average! BOOO!” and others quickly joined in. One audience mem ber complained, “I think I speak for everyone when I say his average looks deeply disturbed us. We all had an image in our heads that he would be our dream man. But then Dreám turned out to not be our dream. Woah, that is so deep.”

Following this event, Dreám’s approval rating plum meted to 0%. Memes quickly surfaced on social media in volving users comparing his face to “a slice of unseasoned meatloaf.” Dreám used his presidential power to sup press the media, banning all social apps and instead en dorsing his own program, “Dreám Social,” where the only rule is that users “must comment nice things about [Dreám].” Dreám’s manager, Football Sam, commented, “President Dreám’s app had 200,000 downloads on the first day alone. Yup, that’s right, not only is he the best president in the world, he’s also a tech ge nius,” after being subtly hand ed a 64-diamond bill. Despite Football Sam’s claims, only two posts have been made on Dreám Social, and both of them are from Dreám himself.

President Dreám stated that his next big step for L’manburg is to “legalize sleep,” so that citizens can always dream.

TOP TEN Cheap Halloween Decorations

THE PADRES BLOW IT AGAIN

“RIP, and by that I mean rest in perjury,” said an anonymous student.

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

An oddly-shaped trash bag that definitely does not have a body in it

The dead spider on your wall that your landlord painted over

Cobwebs from the closet you never clean

A corporate inclusivity workshop

Your grandma’s taxidermied cat

Last year’s pumpkins

“I wish he could prevent market decline like he prevents fall damage with a boat mid-air,” lamented one player-citizen.

PHOTO BY

Prop MQ:

High-speed Railway from Fresno to Bakersfield

ever

answer that for you. A “YES” vote on Prop MQ would

Letters from the Voting Guide

For Against

Prop MQ benefits many, many Americans. The cost of this rail way may be high, but that’s only because the materials are of such high quality, of course. Which is what you want when you are traveling at a whopping 70 miles per hour between two of the greatest cities in California. While there are not many places in the country where you can source these types of materials, this pro ject is partnered with G. Gee Rail Company, the premier rail com pany west of the Mississippi. A YES is a vote for the best railway possible, no matter the cost.

—Billy G. Gee, owner of G. Gee Rail Company

Look, here’s the deal. Back in the day I used to take the Amtrak from Scranton, Pennsylvania, all the way down to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. And they tell me this railroad will be even faster than Amtrak! Now, Bakersfield is the Scran ton of the West, metaphori cally. For the many folks that want to live in the beautiful city of Fresno but work in the prosperous city of Bakersfield, this will be a game-changer. I’m serious. Anyway, vote “YES” on Prop MQ to support these working-class Americans.

—Joe Biden, President of the United States

Prop MQ is an extremist law that will violate our God-given constitutional rights. This railed road will be built with steel from melted-down guns stolen from law-abiding citizens’ homes. The train will run over five innocent people strapped to the tracks at taxpayer expense, even if the train conductor could pull a lever and only kill one person. High speed rail is not a solution to traffic. Speed is a lethal drug, and being high is a sin. If God wanted us to travel at more than 55 miles per hour, He would have created a faster horse.

—Burt Lopez, co-chair of Equines for Equality

Our Sponsors

Prop MQ fails to take into account the spirit of America. This country was built on the three C’s: Christ, corn, and cars, none of which have to do with “high-speed rail.” What we need is infrastructure that will allow for efficient travel between the great cities of Modesto and Stockton. Like, a line of flat land that cars can drive on and corn can be trans ported across, ideally paved for a smoother ride. It should come equipped with traffic control equipment, like a signal for the cars. God, I am so smart.

—Simon Rhodes, inventor of roads