The Muir Quarterly Volume 29 Issue 6

Contents

VOLUME 29 ISSUE 6

pop cult 2 health 3 whorescopes 5 interview 7 quiz 8 manthropology 9 retropolitan 10 fashion 11

EXECUTIVES

HEAD BITCH IN CHARGE Sharon Roth MANSERVANT Jacob King

CONTENT

HAIRLINE CORRECTOR Isabelle McKelvey

BLEMISH DEBLEMINATOR Theo Erickson

CHEEKBONE POWERLIFTER James Woolley

DESIGN

FLAMING VOLCANO Farhad Taraporevala

MARTINI Romella Sagatelian

GRAPHICS

EDGING BLUSH Julia Wong

ROSE PINK LIP “TAINT” Millie You

GETTING NAILED POLISH Amit Roth

HONORARY

SOCIAL/PUBLICITY

IT GIRL Madeline Mozafari

COPY

PERSON BORN AFTER 1993 Kaz Nuckowski MAN BORN AFTER 1993 Connor Betterly WOMAN BORN AFTER 1993 Katie Campbell

WEB

SERIAL DATER Aaron Sonin CASUAL FLIRTER Jeannie Kim

DISTRIBUTION

STILETTO SHARPENER Matthew Ware

ADVISOR

MUIR ADVISOR Mario Garibay

GIRLBOSSES

HENRY ASHCROFT

TYEE AREY

MIRA AVARAMUTHAN

AYUSHI BANJEREE

ANNAMARIE BIOLETTO

SHANTELLE BROOKS

YURI BUKHRADZE

AMARIS CARRERA

ALBERTO CASTILLO

SUPRIYAA CHORDIA

CHRIS CHOUNG

EMILY CRONAN

MELINA CRUZ

CASSIE CURL

BLAKE CURRIER

ISHA DHANDHA

SAM FORD

MICAH GILBERT

LUCAS GRIMWADE

GABRIELLE HART

BITSY HSU

PAIGE JOHNSON

ELISE JONAS-DELSON

EIC Note

CLAIRE MCNERNEY

ROYE MEITAV

GEORGE NASSAR

CHIARA NG

LIZ OVERTON

EDUARDO PEREZ

RUMI PETERSEN

CASSIE PHEIFFER

BRYCE POLLACK

MIKE RAUCCI-CRANE

PRANAV REDDY

EVERETT RIRIE

ALBERTO RUIZ

MADDIE SAMANIEGO

OLIVIA SCARBOROUGH

KATELIN SHUM

MACKENZEY TOLLIVER

VARSHA VARKHEDI

SEIJI YANG

JEANA YOON

KARINA YU

ALYSSA ZALDIVAR

JONATHAN ZHANG

Why is this newspaper different from all other newspapers? Unlike our regularly scheduled satire, this issue is a spoof of the Cosmopolitan magazine. Enjoy the personalized horoscopes, very legitimate health advice, and interview with our new favorite celebrity, Eleanor Rosewater Carnegie. We are also proud to be sponsored by the all-in-one hair tool Dyson Womanizer, which some customers call “a blow job for the modern woman.” Cooking up this issue was way more fun than cooking up 30 tons of industrial steel. Thank you to everyone who worked on this issue — what really makes this issue special is getting to work on it with all of you. I love you.

Booster Club

After raising over $20,000 through the combined efforts of an Indiegogo campaign, a viral GoFundMe, a mildly unsuccessful Patreon, our Balldo dropshipping business, and donations from 10 corporations which we are not legally allowed to name, we’ve finally completed a complete overhaul of our publication. We hope that you enjoy this new direction, because we will absolutely never ever go back. Oh wait, we forgot to name the people that gave us a lot of money specifically to be named. Thanks to Kaz, Jacob, Sharon, Aaron, Madeline, James, Isabelle, Amit, Connor, and Katie for their generous donations. Sorry about the botulism!

— Sharon Roth, Head Bitch In Charge

to women. Tuesdays at 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

CONFUSED COSMONAUT Maria Dhilla CLUELESS COSMONAUT Jerry Wu

My Boyfriend Hates My Sex Playlist (8)

Unwrapping Your Boyfriend’s Burger (9)

Anti-Aging Products You Need to Be Using (3)

A Blast from Our Past (10)

All Signs Point to YES! (5)

pop cult

Catch up on true crime

To the girlies who love the unlovable: one of these books or shows might become your new fave. So cozy up in your soundproofed room with the Unsolved Cases Wikipedia page, and let’s dig into these killers!

S. Morgenstern’s Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure

By Refurbia Menderson

I have a soft spot for brooding guys who are just so misunderstood. The dark hair hiding their face, the deep emotional issues that can only be fixed by killing a bunch of people — or even better, by dating me. I can’t resist! So when I saw the trailer for this movie, I was hooked. The “antagonist” is just so nuanced. He’s only killing people because, you know, he’s got some deep emotional pain or something, just like the rest of us. I mean, really, this could be you.

Like, for example, imagine that you needed a sword, because you had grand plans of killing lots of people. (By the way, did I mention how hot a guy looks with a sword?) So of course, you go to the master swordsmith in town, because you need the best sword possible. The smith demands a high price, but you’re worth it. Your victims are worth it. One should only be slaughtered by the finest steel, after all. The swordsmith crafts you a special blade, but asks for a ridiculous sum in exchange. What would you do? (Oh, this plot is just so compelling.)

I know what I would do. This is really all his fault for asking so much, after all. I would take the sword, and slash the smith through the heart right in front of his 11-year-old son. Of course his child is gonna be upset, but I mean, come on. Grow up kid! (You’re on your own now.) Nothing better than a duel and some scars to speed that along. (By the way, the acting in this film is just superb.)

Finally, I would be able to use my blade as intended, racking up a staggering number of kills with relatively few repercussions, even using the money from the wallets of my victims to further fund the killing spree! Really, everything would be swell! But what if some dude started asking questions about a man with six fingers on his hand? What are you to do? (Keep in mind just how great the props are in this film. The swords look so cool.)

Well, you’re a serial killer after all! And you know this dude must die. Except he doesn’t! Indeed, he gains strength with every repetition of, “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” (Oh, and the soundtrack of the film is simply top-notch.)

Anyways, nobody understands the six-fingered man like I do. I could fix him, I just know it. He makes sense to me, as does everything that drives him. Oh, and just imagine what a man could do with an extra finger. ;)

Get Lit!

By Eileen Warner

Finally! A serial killer thriller I can see myself in! I would never kill people, but the protagonist Eileen makes it look so … Slay! This is the read for those who love seeing women win and men suffer.

By Penelope Blossom

I loved all the little recipes! Legally I can’t endorse following them, but reading about the cute vials that Penelope used gives me that fuzzy feeling in my stomach that I haven’t felt from my boyfriend in a long time.

DIYtective Podcast, Spotify

Are you one of those people who can’t look away when you see a car accident?

Then go unleash your inner detective with hosts Molly and Brad as they dig into the gory details of an ongoing case. Join the race against the clock to solve each murder before the police! Critics and the victims’ families call this podcast “absolutely disgusting” — and we have to agree, because this podcast is not for the faint of heart. One thing we absolutely love is Molly and Brad’s relentless search for the truth, because those two will truly stop at nothing to raise awareness for the victims of heinous crimes, even when those closest to the victims don’t want it!

A Talk With a Woman in STEM Video, YouTube

“We need more women in STEM — Serial killing, Terrorizing, Euthanizing, and Manhunting — to use blades outside the kitchen. Don’t restrict yourself to vegetables, girls — there’s a whole world to chop, dice, and slash!” the 25-yearold proud feminist and serial killer, known to the terrified public as The Vaslaughtermy Queen, advised young women to persist against sexism.

“Isn’t it unfair that my victims express 70% of the terror as those murdered by men? Girls, it is time for us to sync up the blood we shed in more ways than one. We must make men shake in their boots instead of their pants. Ask yourself: if not me, who? If not now, when?”

In a recent interview, The Vaslaughtermy Queen shared her empowering vision with our journalist over a dinner date.

“To all aspiring women serial killers, don’t let gender expectations stop you. We believe in you, babe! The world is your chopping board.”

Serial Killers and Selfies Podcast, Apple

The latest binge-worthy true crime podcast Serial Killers and Selfies brings red-carpet glamor to the gritty world of crime. For 45 minutes, the hosts ASMR-sip on iced matcha lattes and discuss the aesthetics of the perpetrators of the most chilling cases. Their relentless pursuit of the most Instagram-worthy crime scene reenactment is captivating, if a bit over-the-top. We can’t help but wonder if they realize their obsession with the artistic composition of chalk outlines is a bigger spectacle than the cases they cover. Their whodunnit fashion segment, involving guests who critique the fashion choices of criminals and victims alike, is a perfect blend of morbid fascination and cringe-worthy humor. They’re a bit too eager to condemn some of these killers, because some of them are damn hot. Lighten up a bit! Anyway, you should kick back with a big glass of wine in hand and put on Serial Killers andSelfiesfor the most relaxing Sunday ever!

Me Series, Flitnex

Everybody’s ready to get hot and bothered all over again for Me’s newest season starring Benn Padgley. Everybody knows that this serial killer is to die for … but not everyone knows that Padgely recently revealed that there will be significantly fewer sex scenes this season “out of respect” for his wife. Talk about antifeminism! What happened to the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few? And so what if he’s a serial killer? He loves these women so much that he is willing to kill for them — I can’t think of many men who would do that! So here’s the deets: what’s hot? Benn Padgley. What’s not? The chastity belt on this season of Me

By Fourniret et al.

The title was off-putting at first, but it’s such an interesting read. It revolutionized the way I pack my trunk, although it weirdly focuses on dead bodies. I guess I’ll be prepared for that situation, but it’s totally hypothetical.

By I. N. Sells

If you’ve ever wanted to get closer to serial killers, this choose your own romance adventure is here! With multiple endings and plenty of steamy moments, this is a must-have for any true crime buff.

How to Look and Feel Your Best

Not sure which health fads are legit and which are just fads? Not sure which of these arbitrary rules are actually binding? Our experts teach you how to love and hate yourself, while hating the parts of yourself you love and loving the parts of yourself you hate. You will contain multitudes.

Ask a “Doctor”

Juliette Oliver, M.I.D. (Medical-Inspired Doctor) answers your burning questions.

My period has been a lot more painful than usual. Should I be worried?

There’s nothing that a hot pack won’t fix! I also recommend Anthropologie’s Sea Breeze Cinnamon Oat Milk Vaginal Oil (complete with rose quartz and opal bottle) to recenter yourself with the moon’s phases and, of course, to make sure you smell and feel your absolute best during the hot, putrid season of Satan!

I have really bad acne, but all the acne creams are soooo expensive. Got any skincare tips for girlies on a budget?

Most traditional dermatologists will prescribe you these fancy, expensive treatments, like Accutane or benzoyl peroxide — but as a self-taught, Twitter-verified dermatologist, I send my patients straight to Home Depot. Big Skincare doesn’t want you to know this, but all Home Depot employees are trained to mix paint to perfectly match your foundation color! I personally recommend my patients use BEHR’s interior semigloss paint and primer for that freshly baptized look. With just one coat, your skin texture will go from looking like the popcorn ceiling of a 1970s family home to the buttery smooth walls of an IKEA showroom. If you develop a rash after the first application, simply paint more layers onto your face until the rash is no longer visible.

My husband says my body doesn’t excite him anymore. What’s wrong with me?

I’m sorry to hear that, queen. First, let’s begin with some affirmations: You’re valid. Yass. The world loves you. I love you. Yass again. Now that that’s done, it’s time to do some introspection. Do you love yourself? Are you willing to put in the work? Do you want your husband to love you again, just like he used to in the high school bathrooms between third and fourth period? Do you want to feel that rush ever again? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, it’s time for you to get your body back.

First off, you need to get on the right diet. Treat your body with the love you deserve; consider my signature 500-for-500 diet, which restricts your caloric intake to 500 calories per day, all at the cheap price of $500/month!

Secondly, you need to fix your stench. No man will want you if you smell like menstruation. Use scented pads, essential oils, and floral exfoliating soaps once a day while on your period to get rid of that smell.

With enough work — and a nominal fee — you’ll be able to recover your prepubescent body and rekindle the love you lost.

P.S. You don’t need a man :)

How do you fix severe lethargy? I can barely get up these days. Oh, but you’re

Let the little animals outside dress you

You’ll Never Be Good Enough!

By Bethany-Lynn Williams-Sonoma Pilates Instructor and Licensed Energologist

I often reminisce over my youth. As embarrassed as I am to say it, I was a theater kid back in the day. I loved putting on ridiculous costumes and spending late nights at Denny’s after shows. Even though I left that version of me behind (along with my skinny jeans and my dark, filled-in eyebrows), I truly believe that the world is a stage — and I am here to werk it.

As I approach 24, I wanted to share some wisdom I’ve learned along the way. I know my time in the sun as a young person is over, and I want to help you hold on to that glimmer of youth for as long as you can. Sometimes chasing the appearance of youthfulness can feel downright Sisyphean, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun. Just imagine Sisyphus happy! But without smile lines, obviously. Or frown lines. Anyway, here are some tips:

1. Don’t overthink it

I live a mindfully minimalistic lifestyle, meaning I strive to think as little as possible. Subscription services are the way to go! That way you don’t need to think about any of the products you buy. Watch your bank account balance slowly decrease while you ascend further into a state of blissful nonexistence with each package delivered to your door.

Also, I try to optimize my life in every way that I can. In addition to a weekly meal kit and a skincare subscription box, I have my Amazon Prime account configured to automatically purchase every product a TikToker recommends. That way I make sure my dollar can get the most out of each trend before it starts to fade.

2. It’s all about preventative care

Life is all about playing the long game. UV light seriously damages your skin, so it is imperative that you stay out of the sun and never go outside in the daytime. I also highly recommend avoiding laughter so you don’t get those weird wrinkles. Oh, and don’t eat bread, or drink a warm cup of coffee in the morning, or listen to music with earbuds, or take pleasure in any part of your life. That way, when you’re old like me, you can look marginally less old. It’s so worth it!

3. It’s okay to supplement

Sometimes the easiest way to keep up with food fads is supplements, and that is okay! Personally, I love taking collagen. It makes my bones so shiny! Of course, my bones are not visible, but it is important to me that they are shiny on the off chance someone happens to see them. Like, what if I’m getting a surgery, but it turns out that my bones are not pretty? What if, even for an instant, I am not perceived as attractive? Would I just cease to exist? Would this all be for nothing? I mean, what else have I been working for? I wanted to love my entire being right to my core, but I just ended up with shiny bones. And shiny skin and hair! I love collagen. Fish is a great source of collagen. If the normal supplements are too expensive, sardines from a tin work great as under-eye patches!

By following these three easy tips, you can make sure your time, energy, and money are going towards important things like maintaining your attractiveness and wrinkle-free face. Throwing joy out the window in favor of glass skin and glowing cheeks will make room in your life for more exploitable insecurities. And don’t forget to follow me on Instagram! I’m doing a preventative botox giveaway next week that you don’t want to miss.

In: Out:

• Opposable thumbs

• Having a belly button

The Broke Girl’s Guide to Loving Yourself and Hating Your Face

By Cystica C'ne Skin Surgeon

Do you ever look at a newborn baby, prepubescent child, or perfectly filtered TikToker and think, “Girl, I wish I could rip off your poreless, ageless, gorgeous skin and sew it on my face?” You’re not alone. Human faces are as repulsive as human feces — but only if you don’t know how to love yourself by buying the latest skincare products!

You might be thinking “What? My face is gross? But I love myself, so that shouldn’t matter!” Girl, your skin is narsty — like a fart after a charcuterie board — but don’t fret. As our lord and savior Taylor Swift (our blessings upon the Holy Trinity: James, Inez, and Betty), once said, “You need to calm down.” Stress pimples will only make it worse. It’s perfectly valid (and encouraged!) to accept your flaws while simultaneously despising every feature of your face. It’s also easy, and I’ll teach you the best ways to spend your money fixing it!

K, so, the first step to success is to meditate on your self worth and affirm your inner beauty before watching enough Instagram Reels thirst traps to systematically take down your self esteem. The next step is to medicate your face! As my actual literal best friend Selena Gomez (fuck Hailey Bieber for reals. I know they made up but STILL) once said, “When you’re ready come and get it / Na-na-na-na.” As Miss Gomez was referring to 10 years ago, sodium (symbol: Na, vibes: immaculate) is the hot new skincare secret that will rejuvenate and revitalize your deepest pores. We’re ready now, Selena! Try our new favorite The SQUIDINKEY List Seawater Salt Bomb Microplastic Snail Scrub ( $187 for 0.25 oz at Ulta Beauty) to fill up the Mariana Trench forming on your ugly mug.

P.S., This is new, up-to-date info, bb. We updated this article two minutes ago to add new products to promote and delete obsolete, off-trend, odious, offensive, outdated oldies, just for you.

• Penicillin

• Menopause

• Good bacteria

• Diva cups

Be careful not to love yourself too publicly this summer, though. While it's okay to post the occasional body positive TikTok, it’s never okay to genuinely like your face, body, or soul until you gain validation from your loyal followers. As my childhood hero and adulthood enemy Lana Del Rey (she hasn’t accepted my Insta follow request yet but I feel like she will like, really, really soon) once said, “ … in the summer / Don’t be a bummer, babe.” Bragging about how much you love yourself isn’t going to do you any favors, bestie. Instead, practice discreetly calling yourself humble, plain, and “not like other girls” at any casual brunch, kickback, or brand-sponsored cruise to Cabo you’re invited to. Psst! Don’t forget your Beauty of Shiseido UltraUV SPF 5 White Cast Sunscreen ($214 for 0.2 oz at Sephora)!

• Skeletons

• Exoskeletons

And for all my melatonin-skinned girlies, don’t worry! You’re never an afterthought. Take pride in the darkness of your skin tone by purchasing the Glossier hydrochloric acid, MSG-free, skin-lightening Lightning-Fast Face Bleach ($128 for 0.3 oz at Amazon — what a steal)!

Disclaimer: None of the products mentioned are cleared for use on skin tones darker than Light Tan. Stay safe babes! #spon

astrology

Taurus

Cancer

NJOY Steel Prostate Wand

Now with leather carrying case! ($420)

Do Violence

Sagittarius

Don’t Ugly cry

Leo Razer RGB Gaming Dildo

Match with your PC using Razer Synapse! ($3,090)

Do Novelty lighters

Capricorn

Don’t Malarkey

USB to USB-C adapter

A fun way to connect male and female parts. ($4.99)

Do Turbulence

Don’t Recycle

Virgo

XOXO Meat Tenderizer

Better than beating it by hand. ($17)

Do Penis explosion Don’t Effervescence

Beehive

Capricorns are busy bees — bring that energy to bed. (Free for the brave)

Do Infantilize Don’t Synecdoche

Penis Guillotine

The cock ring to end all cock rings. ($1,793)

Do Follow orders

Don’t Think

Aquarius

Bounce Buddy

Wrangle this ball and live your cowgirl dreams. ($21.99)

Do Spelunking

Don’t Thursdays

Test-tastic!™

Twin balls for ballsy twins. ($400)

Do Disguises Don’t Vote

Libra

Gemini Scorpio

Our recommended lube!

Clitoris Vortexer

Be sure to wear safety goggles for the spray. ($327)

Do Thin OREOs

Nothing, you should be ashamed of yourself

You’re better than this. Go eat some cornflakes. ($5.29)

Don’t Keynesian economics

Double-Edged Sword

One dildo just not cutting it for you? ($599)

Do Stoicism

Don’t Blockade

Do

Separatory funnel

Aries

Don’t Mountain Dew

What Hath God Wrought

It’s a long, long way down this pole. (Free to the public)

Do Real estate Don’t Harmonize

As I crunched up Ellie’s empty gravel driveway after walking from the subway, my palms began to sweat. I have met many TikTok stars, but none who are also California’s youngest governor, the record that Eleanor Rosewater Carnegie now holds. I’ve always been a mega Ellie-head, even before her rocketing ascent into California politics. Her approachable, friendly veneer combined with her mean-girl’s-best-friend charisma make her seem too cool for school — and interviews.

She welcomed me into her two-story Old Sacramento-style house (she forwent the governor’s mansion), separated from her neighbors by fences, ditches, and six miles of carefully planted forest. I sat across from her in her living room. The flowers on the idyllic table between us were identical to the flowers in a TikTok she’d posted two weeks ago, but they looked daisy-fresh — were they fake, or did she buy identical flowers every week? When I asked, she respond ed that her mother gave her a green thumb for indoor cut flowers. I ooh-ed and aah-ed for a moment as Ellie looked on, like a ship’s captain gazing at the horizon. I paused in my exaltation to scrutinize her bottomless green eyes. Still waters run deep, I thought. What else was she holding back from me? What made her feel like she had to limit herself in this male-dominated po litical sphere? Dear reader, my heart ached for an answer.

Ellie, it’s so great to be here. Sorry I’m so sweaty, I walked from the subway. Gas prices, you know.

Definitely. I understand why you wouldn’t want to splurge on transit. Everything else is so expensive these days. But the subway is like six miles away. You walked in this heat? Can I offer you a towel?

A towel you’ve touched? You know I’ll be keeping this.

Ha. Ellie, your approachable image has helped you to connect with your political base. But how did you get your hat into the ring?

Well, I would be remiss not to mention the people who helped me get here — my TikTok fans were a huge driving force, not to mention my parents and their friends, and other connections. But I like to think that my message just resonated with the hardworking people of California. You can’t get here by chance, you know.

that I discovered Ohio. I saw the depressing content people were creating there, and my heart told me I had to do everything in my power to help. I want Ohio to give me its tired and poor, its chili-covered masses who yearn for freedom, so that we, the Republic of California, can bring their wretched into the light.”

Eleanor

Not many people are humble like you. But please, tell me more about how your TikTok background informs your political endeavors.

One thing I learned quickly on the internet is that no matter what, someone will always be mad at me. I’ve learned to put myself first — self-care is so important — and to trust my own judgment and feelings. People will try to tear your self-confidence down, and you just can’t let what they say affect you.

Do you think your status as a young woman in politics is a factor in how much heat you get from the haters?

I do get a lot of unsolicited messages, but they’re usually a different kind of steamy [she laughs good-naturedly]. No, I totally understand where my political detractors are coming from. I’m young, and I have fresh new ideas that can be threatening to the status quo, like my plan to bring democracy to Ohio through a series of incisive billboards placed along I-70. Tell me about that.

People don’t know how hard it is in Ohio. If we can raise awareness about Ohio — how backwater it is, the unemployment rates, the corn — then our hope is that California residents will reach out to the poor citizens of Ohio and spread our great California values of tech startups, access to the ocean, water-consuming agriculture, and high-density housing.

That’s wonderful. I haven’t seen the billboards, since I don’t spend too much time in Ohio — plane tickets, you know — but now I think I’ll email a stranger in Ohio. That’s the goal. Share the love.

“I’ve visited

Disneyland twice. My parents wouldn’t let me go on any of the rides. I’d like to go again someday, but I don’t know if I could handle the rollercoasters.”

I’m sure your family must be proud of you. Yes.

Has being such a public figure changed your family relationships at all?

Not at all. I still see them once a year for my mother’s birthday. And my family is accustomed to the public eye. You know, my mom taught me how to ignore paparazzi when I was seven. You’re such an inspiration to your fans. What advice do you have for women who are trying to break your record as California’s youngest governor?

To be honest, it’s a lot of luck. Luck and understanding the algorithm. You can’t expect to become famous in a day. Sometimes it takes two or three. And the world will always try to limit you. Someday we won’t be able to have a younger youngest governor. And on that day, the glass ceiling will become a steel ceiling. Ouch

It’s the truth.

Let’s talk about your personal relationships. You were recently rejected by John Dougherty while you were still dating William Gestalt Kant Hapsburg. Would you like to shed some light on that?

It was a pretty bad period of my life. Three weeks ago I was buying beignets from John at his bakery, and it was just like a movie. We instantly clicked, we started talking, and later I just couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he knew how to fix a car. I asked him out, and he said no, and that was that. It wasn’t fair to William, I know, but life just takes you on its journey whether you like it or not.

Carnegie Rosewater

Are you and William still dating?

I’m not sure. We still follow each other’s Instas, and I saw on his story that he was on his yacht in Barbados, so I think he’s still healing.

Just between us, do you still think about John?

Even though it hurts to see him, I can’t resist the beignets from his bakery. There’s something addictive about supporting small businesses.

How do you recenter yourself after something like that?

I’d usually watch Netflix, but William is starring in about 15 Netflix original series, so now I just fly economy class to Ohio and practice gratitude.

MY MUST-HAVE LUXURY GOOD

WHAT

I THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE

THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN MY PHONE

“One of my favorite pastimes is signing all the petitions on change.org.”

“It was through TikTok

What’s your weekend personality?

Our most accurate quiz yet!

1. What’s your usual Starbucks order?

a. A caramel macchiato with extra orange juice.

b. “You guys call it something, but I’m going to call it a ‘large.’ A ‘large’ coffee. Do you even have that?”

c. A pumpkin spice latte.

2. What’s a recurring nightmare you had as a child?

a. Being served ultradivorce papers.

b. Losing at Mario Kart

c. Getting turned into Swedish meatballs.

3. What’s your go-to reply when someone knocks on the bathroom door while you’re in there?

a. “Come back with a warrant!”

b. “Fuck off!”

c. A fearful whinny.

4. Would you kill one person to save five others?

a. No, murder is bad.

b. I already have!

c. Nay.

Werewolf Woman: The Invisibility of White Femininity

by Luna Tampax

I was sitting in a 9 a.m. college literature section, daydreaming about the breakfast burrito I’d have after class, when it happened. The professor asked us for thoughts on the werewolf allegory. My hand shot up immediately, of course.

Everyone knows what the werewolf represents. The monstrous feminine, transformed into a hideous creature by her impure menses. The stain of blood on her teeth, in her sheets, and on her clothes — as natural a mark of true womanhood as it is a mark of our unnatural subhuman status in the eyes of men. Her most precious gift and curse is the pain of childbirth. It is her vagina which separates her from men, and renders her a social outcast. Duh!

Anyway, the person in front of me raised their hand after I did, and they got called on first. That made me really upset. I’m used to having the first word on these things, and as a white woman, I really feel that my professors don’t respect me enough or call on me when I have something to say. It’s really disrespectful. No one understands how hard it is to be invisible.

But the only thing that’s more upsetting than not being called on first in class is someone having an opinion that’s different from mine! The student claimed that lycanthropy is an allegory for the queer experience; that the werewolf was about the liminal experience of being an invisible minority, made to feel monstrous for blending into polite society with such ease while knowing who and what they really are. And I’ve never been more confused.

How could lycanthropy be a metaphor for anything other than womanhood? It’s literally about blood. Everyone knows that only women bleed. It got me thinking about the erasure of white womanhood in literature and in the classroom.

Everyone is talking about the issues of trans women, the issues of women of color, the issues of poor women. No one is talking about our issues. The issues of the women who struggle to color match their foundation and pick the right tone from the hundreds available, who live in a constant state of fear that their name will be spelled with a “-ley” instead of a “-leigh” at the end. Who are afraid that their fundamental inalienable right to ask for the manager will be denied, and a stranger will use they and them pronouns in lieu of assuming their yet more marginalized gender identity: white woman.

And then I realized: there is nothing more queer, more liminal and marginalized and invisible, than white womanhood. We live in constant fear of being found out as white women and the loss of status that it brings: having our baseless criminal accusations of strangers dismissed.

Men don’t understand us. They don’t understand us because we are women. More importantly, they don’t respect us because we are white women. Other minorities have tried to take the space that we deserve away from us, but if we come together, we can assert ourselves as white women and take up the space that we deserve; which is all of it.

So the next time you get your period, remember: no matter what anyone says, they can’t take your white womanhood away from you.

5. Who’s your celebrity crush?

a. Timothée Chalamet.

b. Grimes.

c. Ronald Reagan.

Mostly A’s: You are a brunch bounder. You love the deceit of the brunch table, the sting of a salted-rim mimosa, the horizon-chasing pursuit of an hour you can truly call “happy.”

Mostly B’s: You’re such a grease monkey. You’re a slippery woman who spends her weekends in the pits. Nothing makes you happier than the smell of gasoline and burnt rubber.

Mostly C’s: Are you a headless horsewoman? Do you shed your mortal skin to become your true weekend vibe: Ichabod Cranderella, reincarnated?

My Boyfriend Hates My Sex Playlist

by Lily “xXxFairyPrincessGamerGirlxXx" Star

We had been dating for six years, eight months, and two days when my boyfriend told me that he had something to confess. Everyone knows what that means, and I thought day 2,436 would be our last together. I anticipated the usual suspects — another woman, his parents hate me, Co –Star told him to “t ake charge of his life” by cutting off all existing connections and moving to Italy. But the truth was much more devastating: my boyfriend “can’t stand” my sex playlist — his words, not mine. He said it was “unbearable, orgasm-denying,” and, most damningly, “unsuitable for any event other than a Magic: The Gathering tournament.”

I didn’t underst and. How could my perfectly curated playlist not get him in the mood? It has every mood! He immediately pointed out songs that had to go. Some of them were just too long, like the full soundtrack to Earthbound (it’s an emotional journey — just like sex with me), but others are “totally unsexy.” He told me that every time the DK Rap comes on, he has to finish before Lanky Kong’s verse or he’ll be “haunted by funny faces” until he reaches a “blue-balls hell.” I don’t really get it — there’s an entire section about nuts, and the N64 soundfront beat is so hot — but since my fortune teller told me I should be more open to criticism, I took it out of the playlist.

Also on the chopping block: “Burning Men’s Soul” from Persona: Trinity Soul (because “the jazz is sexy” but he “just can’t keep it up when that guy starts rapping about carpet”), a two-hour podcast about the choose-your-own-adventure Goosebumps books (“it really isn’t the time”), and a compilation of every opening theme from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (“listen, honey, I know you like it, but when you can’t stop talking about how awesome it is, I feel like you aren’t really in the moment … ”). He initially agreed to keep “Dancing Mad” from Final Fantasy VI, but only because it’s our song. It was playing the first time we kissed — at a game store 500 miles from the nearest town, after our car got possessed by malevolent spirits — but I scrapped the whole playlist anyway. I think the only song he actually liked was “Megalovania” from Undertale!

After a tearful goodbye to our sex playlist of old, I was confronted with a new problem: what songs could I choose that accurately reflect the core values of our relationship without ruining our sex life? I spent five sleepless nights researching and rejecting songs, only accepting the finest of (literal) bangers. The resulting playlist was short, but we agreed it was long enough — just ten minutes, made up of three songs: “Megalovania,” “Necrofantasia” (from Touhou 7: Perfect Cherry Blossom), and “Motteke Sailor Fuku” (from Lucky Star).

Following the creation of Sex Playlist 2.0, I queried my colleagues for other ways my boyfriend and I could improve our sex life. We set up a sex room in our apartment, complete with LED gamer lights and a new array of sex toys: a Chain Chomp vibrator, a glowing tentacle that harnesses ominous energy, and a jade effigy of Ness from Earthbound ( $3,500.99 at GoopForGamers ). As for our sex life now? Well — I’d say it’s never been better, if you know what I mean. ;)

How Puss in Boots Inspired Me to Try Online Dating

by Kitty McLawren

While watching Puss in Boots: The Last Wish, I had an epiphany. Although it is marketed towards children, the film’s subtle imagery is a clear metaphor for online dating. I realized my folly, watching Puss. After years of going against the grain by developing my unique method of self-improvement that I call “looking prettier than before,” this film inspired me to actually pick myself up by my bootstraps and seek out my soulmate. Therefore, my next adventure was obvious: Tinder.

There’s a lot to be said about the similarities between Puss in Boots and online dating. Like Puss’ heroics, it’s really a courageous thing to go on a dating app — I have to deal with the rejection of unreciprocated swipes, and I can’t even imagine anything worse. Unless, of course, they were to reject me in person, but that’s just too barbaric to imagine. You know, as much as I admire him, Puss really missed a beat by talking to people in real life. Last week someone actually came up to me outside Safeway and asked me where the bus stop was! Like, boundaries much? Clearly Puss in Boots’ filmmakers didn't know about iPhones, because that cat should’ve Googled where he was going instead of searching for a map. Why would anyone ask an embarrassingly valid question if they could just get an immediate and accurate answer without having to engage in human interaction? It’s not like you can learn anything from being around people, anyway.

But let’s talk about the deeper themes of Puss in Boots. As we all know, being in your slut era doesn’t actually require having sex, contradictory to the term's colloquial meaning. It’s really more about your especially non-effeminate attitude of doing what you want to do without caring what others think (while still labeling your behavior as special, obvs, because nobody will care if you don’t!) Puss is such a good example of living in your slut era — he goes after his own desires without asking anyone’s permission. However, I still don’t agree with his real-life methods. Puss in Boots wouldn’t have gotten to his last life if he had just stayed inside on his phone — it’s just so much safer! You even get the advantages of having people’s names and interests pop up, so you don’t have to remember that unnecessary information. It’s worth mentioning that apps like Bumble are pointless. Why would you want to talk to someone who isn't willing to message you first? You deserve better! You deserve to be swiped on and given a prompt to respond to like the smart and unique woman you are! Speak when spoken to!

The moral of this journey is that leaving your dating experience to the algorithm optimizes your time incredibly efficiently. If Puss in Boots had an iPhone, he probably wouldn’t have had to go on such a long 102-minute adventure. And digital dating is the mature woman’s choice. Why would someone even talk to someone of the opposite gender if not for that purpose? You probably wouldn’t even understand them anyway. Regardless, as you venture out into your slut era, remember to be safe and make sure your puss is always wearing boots.

Your Guide to the Male Brain

manthropology

Catch a Stud, Not a Dud

Our guy guru, Jon Mann, shares his dating advice.

Tell If He’s Boyfriend Material at First Glance!

In this day and age, finding the right guy is harder than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s sculpted chest! To make this easier, here’s a few green flags to help you identify boyfriend material with just one glance.

• Take a peek at his arms — is he wearing a long-sleeved shirt? If so, he’s clearly got a warm, loving personality. Definitely boyfriend material!

• Quickly swab a sample of his inner cheek and stick that bad boy under a microscope. Are those cells undergoing mitosis? If they are, he’s two excited to see you!

• Gently palpate his radial or carotid artery. If you can find a pulse, it means he’s passionate and ready for love!

Be a Smash Instead of a Pass

Listen up, ladies! Figuring out what men want can be hard, but look no further than the Codex Masculiniti, deemed by many to be the “holiest and manliest of scriptures.” Authored by “the First Primogenitor Ur-Alpha” Gilgamesh Chadz, the is available as a PDF for $3.99 on Amazon Prime (rated 1.3 stars at time of writing), and he knows what he’s talking about. Listen to this passage: “Let it be known that women need not crop their hair to shoulder length, as it makes them look not like Venus, but rather Diana. Let it be known that the average breast contains the volume of two watermelons each. Let it be true that the female waistline shalt be no larger than thine own member, the average penile length being two stacked uncut olives.” I don’t think it gets much clearer than that.

Pique His Interest, Not Just His Wiener!

Men are visual creatures. And when you aren’t dressing in a way that is flawlessly fitted to a man’s subjective view of how women should dress, it’s hard for him to notice you, let alone concentrate on large conversation topics such as “getting a job,” “doing dishes,” and “showering at least once a week.” In order to grab his attention, try swapping out your skimpy I.AM.GIA top for a turtleneck and a Victorian nightgown! If you want to go the extra mile, accessorize with a solid pewter candlestick holder or a lace parasol circa 1916. How can a man ever overlook you when you have a six-foot train?! It’s a common misconception that women have to dress provocatively to catch a man’s eye. In reality, men seek women who keep them guessing at what’s underneath. Trust me ladies, your dream man is out there, and he’s just waiting to catch a glimpse of the silhouette of your ankle under your pantyhose.

Lock Up “The One”

Now that you’ve found “The One,” you have to make him yours forever. Be sure not to scare him off with the m-word. The reason most guys don’t want to walk the aisle is simple: achieving a healthy sex life after marriage is like finding a needle in a haystack hidden in the middle of a 20-acre corn maze somewhere in the Australian Outback. So if you want to get married, do whatever you need to do to make him forget this fact. Pregnancy is a great tool, but babies are only cute for a short amount of time. If you want to keep him long term, you need him to believe that he is the perfect husband. Men who feel constantly criticized for stupid things like “being unfaithful” will go elsewhere; it’s in their nature.

Five Guys? You Only Need One!

Unwrapping Your Boyfriend’s Burger

What his favorite burger topping says about him!

Lettuce: His favorite position is missionary.

Garlic Aioli: He really likes vowels.

Mac & Cheese: He wants a mother, not a partner.

Anchovies: As a child he dreamed of becoming a paleontologist, but he eventually gave up and became an accountant.

Tortilla: He doesn’t understand what a burger is.

WTF Is He Saying?

Guy Dictionary

Learn his lingo with this handy translation tool

What He Says What He Means

“Saturdays are for the boys!”

“Cracking open a cold one!”

“Based.”

“I’m just tired.”

“Freud was wrong.”

“I think we should go out tonight.”

“I don’t remember the last time I cried.”

“It’s just a scratch, babe!”

“Fiat lux.”

“I’m bicurious.”

“I’m going to the morgue.”

“Slay!”

“I hate you.”

“I want to have sex with your dad.”

“The Xbox Live servers are down.”

“I have a shit memory.”

“I’m bleeding out.”

“Let there be light.”

Why Do Guys... Like to Play Catch?

It’s no mistake that a boy playing catch with his dad is a common picture of ideal boyhood: it’s biology. While women release feel-good love hormones when they cradle their beloved child in their arms, a football is roughly the size of a baby, so men’s hormones are activated when they cradle a leather football in their arms. The all powerful “ball-brain connection” has been with us since the dinosaurs and allows him to develop his most important bonds: the ones he has with his homies. From a safely heterosexual distance, playing catch primes men to forge purely platonic bonds. Testosterone might make us a bit dumb, but it’s not our fault, we promise. It’s an important part of our development. Even in the most optimal of circumstances, men’s brains don’t finish developing until age 52 — but spending time outside with the boys is the best enrichment for your developing man. Plus, after he gets all those hormones raging, he’ll be great in bed!

Playing catch also readies men to be great dads by preparing instilling a sense of irresponsibility. We’ll toss your feelings right out the window once the kid comes and spend all day at the sports bar. Don’t worry, you didn’t do anything wrong; your man is just doing what his father before him did. It might feel like you’re being left high and dry, but if your man stays out late with his buds tossing the old pigskin, he’s not irresponsible — he’s a catch. Playing catch lets us relive our high school star running back fantasies and prepares us for the most important job we will ever have as fathers: catching the baby when it comes out.

retropolitan

We’ve been doing this a long time. Like, a 150 years-ish long time. Things have changed a lot over that timeframe … or maybe not. We’ve brought on Barbara Role and McKaleigh Push, two of our most opinionated editors, to take a look at excerpts from our spiciest articles of the mid-20th century. What’s ready for a comeback, and what should die with our parents?

1940s

In a bangin’ 1944 issue of Cosmo, the article ROSIE THE RIVETER: THE AMERICAN WOMAN AT WORK was published, and boy, does it inspire … No more do men on the street put sweet Rosie down and call her a homemaker. Now, donning boots on the factory floor, she gets the same height her heels usually give her, but with a little extra feeling of empowerment. Oh, how wonderful it is to work! How sweet it is, Rosie thinks, to come home, wipe the soot off her face, and apply a fresh coat of cold cream so her skin is soft and smooth for another day’s toil! Young kids, low pay, long hours, overseas sweetheart … none of it bothers Rosie. She’s a strong one. A patriot, that girl — and an example for all of us.

1950s

SETH IST wrote the article A GOOD WOMAN’S ROLE IN THE WORKFORCE in a 1957 issue of Cosmo saying … Don’t you worry about what the men at your job are making. Men are born to support their families, and your income is just a little extra on top. But if you’re dead set on finding a job with decent pay, secretaries are always in demand. If you’re lucky enough to land a good job in one of the big buildings downtown, make sure to hold on to it, because it’s a fast-paced man’s world in the business sector. High heels and a smile are the best way to keep your boss liking you — and remain employed. And hey, maybe he’ll even like you enough to marry you! It’s happened before. So keep dreaming about being swept off your feet by one of the top executives and finally getting to quit to start the easy, fulfilling life of childrearing and homemaking.

1960s

In Cosmo’s June 1966 issue, CARRY SMITH answers the question WILL THE PILL TURN WOMEN INTO HOMOSEXUAL POOL PLAYERS? with the following … I approached the local bar, Rubyfruit Jungle, to conduct an informal survey on women pool players. There I met Sal, a woman with short hair — deliciously Shirley MacLaine-chic.

“Are you on the pill?” I asked her.

Sal laughed. “What’s Maggie saying about me now?”

“Nothing — I’m a reporter on survey,” I said. Realizing my mistake, I gathered the room’s informed consent before collecting the results: 82% were not on the pill, 98% chose not to report their sexuality, and 2% said they were “as straight as any man.”

I believe the 98% were secretive because they didn’t want to associate any boyfriends with their gambling habits; this would also explain why there were no men present in the bar. Regardless, concerns of the pill causing homosexual pool-playing is mere anti-liberation fearmongering. Not that it’s anything other than a woman’s individual choice to be a pool player.

1970s

KYLE ELYK wrote the article GROUNDBREAKING WOMEN IN POWER in a 1974 issue of Cosmo saying … After successfully overthrowing the democratically elected president Salvadore Allende in Chile, the CIA has once again started interviewing candidates for dictator, but this time limiting the position exclusively to women. In an internal statement, the agency said: “With all this second-wave feminism, we figured that maybe a woman is just as capable of brutally crushing a communist insurrection just as well as any man. If this goes well, we have our eye on a couple other countries that could also use women dictators.” The CIA’s job listing said it was looking for someone who is “easily manipulated, but still projects power” and “searching for a fun adventure away from the home” to ultimately “take the ‘dick’ out of dictator.” Many top government officials are worried that with a woman as dictator, she could easily be tricked into being a communist by Fidel Castro’s so-called “Hunky Latino Handsomeness.”

1980s

BETTINA BOBBY’s 1982 article about the WARDROBE OF THE FUTURE talks to the simple votaries of the action movie craze of the time … It’s great that women feel like they can make their own choices by all choosing to wear head-to-toe denim and leather. But why not engage in some daring counterculture and pick silk? With my mysterious, feminine curves hidden under stiff fabrics, I feel so confined by the tired norm I see everywhere! A subversive blouse gets the job done and then some. I’m all for touting the “hot action heroine chic” style, but how forwardthinking is this “butch” craze really? I don’t want to dress like a gender stereotype — this time a man’s! — in order to “break the status quo!” When I replaced my wardrobe with blouses, skirts, and dresses, my life became so much more breathable, flowing, and non-threatening. Now that’s progressive!

Barbara: Ah, the good old days. No men around to complain that dinner was overcooked or that the glowing toothpaste was “radioactive.” But while men were off in the trenches, so was women’s fashion. Such a snooze-fest!

McKaleigh: Wartime propaganda, wartime shmopaganda. Clearly, the only way to get this country to back women is through bloody conflict. So let ’em fly, Biden! That’s how to prove you’re a true feminist.

Barbara: The most fulfilling role a woman will ever have is that of Mother. Was there any reason to pursue “careers” like secretary when there’s so much to do around the house? What about their poor husbands and children?

McKaleigh: Well, it’s better than nothing, I guess. It’d be better if women were sitting in the big chair instead of under the desk. Maybe men would finally learn how to eat pussy correctly if their income depended on it.

1966

Barbara: I miss the days when women were considerate enough as to not implicate their boyfriends in their gambling habits. I bet the women in the study were all such great friends, too!

McKaleigh: The pill didn’t turn women into gamblers, nature did. Rolling the dice at the roulette table is just like rolling the dice with the berry bushes. Both might end in your ultimate demise, but the reward is worth it.

1974

Barbara: Running a country isn’t women’s work. If God intended women to take office, wouldn’t there have already been a female president? Women already hold the most powerful position — raising the future leaders of the world.

McKaleigh: Well, I can’t say that oppressive dictatorships are my favorite; but if they must be run, then why not by women? A military dictatorship tempered with a woman’s soft touch is fine by me.

1982

Barbara: I loathe ’80s fashion. Wouldn’t it be so much more proper for a woman to be saving the world in a nice, ironed blouse and a skirt that extends below the knees?

McKaleigh: I think blouses should be outlawed. If women are allowed to slide back into traditional clothing, then how will progress ever be made? Women shouldn’t be given the right to choose wrong.

dyson omanizer m

You’ve heard of the Dyson Airwrap — now get ready for the Dyson Womanizer. It comes with with all the attachments you never knew you wanted.