The MQ Volume 25 Issue 1

Page 1


“Reading a good long novel is in many ways like having a long and satisfying affair.” - Bill Clinton, 42nd President of the United States

We got three stars on Yelp

September 26, 2018

UC Berkeley Bans “The Great British Baking Show” for “Overly Friendly” Competition

Volume XXV Issue I

In This issue 21-year-old finally old enough to drink life away


Student Concerned About Politics, Does Nothing


the Mq’s Guide to Getting fit


Student Buys Maximum Amount of Dining Dollars


Professor Reluctant to return to “lame freshies”


News in Brief UCSD Freshman Pushed Off Campus, Finds Housing With Scary Old Witch in Candy House PHOTO By hannah lykins

“What do we want?” “Baking!” “When do we want it?” “When the internal temperature has reached 165 degrees Fahrenheit!” the crowd chanted. By Dan Kaliblotzky and Rhys Shriver


Content Editors

C Berkeley administration banned the public viewing or endorsement of the BBC television series “The

Great British Baking Show” a few weeks into the new fall semester. The show, a reality competition series starring British amateur bakers, has been deemed “too friendly” to be shown to Berkeley students

lest it ruin the notoriously difficult, competitive environment Berkeley requires for its students to “fight and connive their ways into grad schools.” Chancellor Carol T. Christ released a statement explain-

ing her strong disdain for the popular show, stating, “What example does it set to our students to see people running around and making friends

See Baking, page 2

Trump’s New Supreme Court Pick Looks Suspiciously Like Trump with a Fake Mustache by Elizabeth Niculescu


Staff Writer

resident Trump announced his nominee to fill Justice Kennedy’s Supreme Court vacancy on Monday. Trump’s nomination follows the President’s decision to drop Brett Kavenaugh as the nominee in response to bipartisan outrage over Kavenaugh’s heavily pro-executive power record. “Today I nominate a great guy, really, a great guy, Tronald Dump, for the Supreme Court of the United States of America,” the President said, elaborating that Dump is “a great American, honestly, the best American, and everyone is saying that he is the most qualified Supreme Court nominee ever. I would never say that but that’s what the people are saying, what can I say, what can I say? Great guy, beautiful wife and daughter, just beautiful.” Unfortunately, Dump was unable to accept his nomination publicly due to family matters. Since his nomination, Dump has been reclusive and rarely spotted on national television. Some liberal conspiracy theorists have speculated that Dump is, in fact, the President with a fake mustache. “His curvaceous figure, warm complexion, and yellow combover are reminiscent of the President, no doubt!” Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders shouted while making an appearance at an

PHOTO By sage cristal

Before the police officer had the chance to hand Dump a speeding ticket, Dump responded, “Don’t worry about that, I’ve already pardoned myself.” Alaska Democrat’s campaign rally. “All I’m saying is show me Dump and Trump in the same room. He’s like a saggy orange Batman. Show me!” That night, Trump’s legal counsel Rudy Giulliani appeared on Hannity, stating, “Do you see the mustache on the guy? No way Dump is Trump in a fake mustache — it looks too good to be fake. But even if he is, it’s not illegal. I haven’t done all my research on the matter yet, but show me in the Constitution where it states that fake mustaches are illegal!”

The rest of Trump’s team quickly agreed with Giulliani’s comments. During a press conference on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders addressed the Vermont Senator’s remarks, stating: “I’ve got a quick statement that I will read from the President: the fake news will tell you that Dump is Trump, but I am not Dump; I am Trump, and Dump is Dump.” When asked if she had any comment on the similarity between the names Donald Trump and Tronald Dump,

Huckabee Sanders replied in a curt baritone, “These two men don’t even share the same initials. This accusation is a classic example of the mainstream media’s attempts to undermine the President’s good work.” Likewise, it appears that moderate House Democrats may be ready to confirm Dump. Indiana Senator Joe Donnelly reportedly confessed to a staffer on Monday that “Democrats have already made such a ruckus about Russia” and that he was “just about ready to Gorsuch this one.”

Hoo is the real one?

Judge. Jury.

It will be determined by a free for owl


UCSD freshman Hammond Angretal has reportedly found off-campus housing for the 2018-19 school year with a scary, old witch who lives in a gingerbread house in the middle of a forest. Angretal told reporters that during the summer, he was alerted to the fact that he would not be able to secure on-campus housing. In response, he searched the UCSD Student Off-Campus Housing Facebook group, where he found the scary, old witch advertising a vacant master-bedroom with a private bathroom for $800 a month plus utilities.

After UCSD over-enrolled around 1200 students for the current school year, new students have been scrambling for affordable housing. Although Angretal says his situation is not ideal, he believes it could be worse. “I mean, my roommate is okay. The first night I spent in the house, she started to slather me in butter, but when she saw I was awake she left me alone. Besides that, she makes me a lot of food and in return only asks me to clean the inside of the oven. It really could be worse. I have a friend that is living in a mini-triple.”

Self-Respecting Metalhead Found Listening to pop in His Bedroom Local metal enthusiast Solomon Parker was found by his roommates in his bedroom last night, on his bed listening to Ariana Grande’s latest album. Solomon is known for his pride in being a “pure metalhead,” with the walls in his rooms covered by posters from all the classics: Metallica, Anthrax, and Pantera, as well as more modern artists like Protest the Hero, Anathema, and Helloween. “He has four different styles of headbanging and he has mastered the death metal growl, so I never thought I would catch him listening to ‘God is a woman,’” Solomon’s roommate Daniel explained. “I’m just used to hearing noises coming out

of his room that can only be described as someone trying to shear a cat, so hearing a melodic line was enough to know something was wrong. Normally I’m scared to go inside his room in case he’s in the middle of a ritualistic sacrifice, but I haven’t seen any goats in the last couple of months.” When confronted about the strange change in taste, Solomon refused to give a testimony, stating that he had a Between the Buried and Me concert to prepare for, which included throwing himself repeatedly at a wall to train for the mosh pit and routinely checking Katy Perry’s fan-club page every 15-minutes.

Review: Eminem’s New Restaurant Misses Its Chance to Blow After a long period of secrecy, Marshall Mathers, commonly known as Eminem, announced the opening of his new Italian restaurant, Mom’s Spaghetti. When I learned of Mom’s Spaghetti, I was so excited to experience the esteemed rapper’s once in a lifetime cuisine. The restaurant boasted a unique selection of pizza and pasta recipes; Italian food that’s “everything you ever wanted.” At the grand opening, Mathers looked calm and ready to greet the large group of patrons who came out. Before opening the doors, he gave a rousing speech, saying that Mom’s Spaghetti was his “one shot, one opportunity, one mo-

ment.” The whole crowd was buzzing with excitement; we couldn’t wait to go in. But frankly, my meal was disgusting. I’m not even sure if what I ate was real food. For the next three days, my palms were sweaty, my knees were weak, my arms were heavy. I could not stop vomiting; my favorite sweater was ruined. I thought opening a restaurant in a mobile-home was innovative, but I don’t think it was up to health code. Mathers may have tried his best, but apparently you cannot do everything you set your mind to, man.

See BRIEFS, page 11

Page 2

September 26, 2018

21-Year-Old Finally Old Enough to Gamble and Drink His Life Away

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

continued from page 1:


in the midst of a competition? You think they improved their baking with all that comradery and foolishness? They’re known as amateurs for a reason and we hold our students to a higher standard than that. If our students don’t stay in shape, they’ll have to be ‘torte’ a lesson by our academic probation team. “Do you think Mary Berry got to where she is now — making amateur bakers fall to their knees at the utterance of a single ‘that’s scrummy’ — without melting a few Baked Alaskas on her way?” Chancellor Christ continued. “She’s so confident because she knows none of the contestants will ever rival her with their playing and their smiling and their ‘absolutely chuffed’ demeanors. I respect her for that.” Christ ended her statement by excitedly laughing at the thought of watching contestants “get dragged out by their ladyfingers.” “I don’t quite get the ban myself,” commented Maisie Jones, president of UC Berkeley’s Great British Baking Show Fan Club. “‘The Great British Baking Show’ is really quite a good, wholesome time and I don’t see how a few bakers’ healthy friendships will harm my success. It’s a dodgy affair if I do say so myself. I disagree with the chancellor and in fact, I think Berkeley could do a bit of good becoming more like the baking show. Getting showered with hugs for winning Star Baker seems like a

much more rewarding experience than getting ostracized for receiving one of the three A’s my classics professor is allowed to give this semester.” Days after the ban was announced, several students commenced a baking protest, with several members of the fan club using their on-campus apartments to cook various British classics, including Victoria sandwiches, millefeuille, and something ambiguously called “chips.” After the initial announcement of the protest, Jones received Facebook friend requests from over one-thousand students, most of which had reportedly been “too busy studying” to get boba with Jones before this week. Many students responded “going” on the Facebook event initially, though over half of those reportedly changed their response over the course of the protest due to food poisoning from the “wildly” undercooked food. In spite of the continuing ban, Chancellor Christ is rumored to be planning a watch party from her office, where they will “binge this show like Paul would binge a plate of pork cracklings” with the rest of the administrative board, according to a leaked memo. In response to this new information, Jones criticized the administration’s “half-baked hypocrisy” and declared that she and her peers “would not be denied this stepping scone to justice.”

“Mommy daycare never tells you about the mixed feelings that come from seeing your baby pound a fifth,” Mrs. Costapolis said. By Stephen Lightfoot AND Sage Cristal Graphics Editor and Editor-in-Chief


CSD student and official adult Darren Costapolis turned 21 last Monday and celebrated with a party full of legal drinking, gambling, and drugs that only a fully-developed adult could handle. When asked how it felt to be recognized as an adult by the state of California, Costapolis told reporters, beer in hand, “Honestly, I’ve been drinking scotch and playing slots since my tweens, but now I can do it in the company of my disappointed family.” Costapolis’ birthday took place at his parents’ summer

home in Palm Springs with over 200 in attendance, including over 100 people who were old enough to vote, but not old enough to legally “take a fat hit from a bowl.” Also in attendance was Costapolis’ disappointed mother, Alli Costapolis and her embarrassed husband, Rick Costapolis. Reporters were able to interview Alli when she wasn’t busy sobbing into a handkerchief and reminding Darren’s guests to use coasters. “When Darren turned 18, it was still legal to smoke cigarettes, and then a few months in, the government made it illegal until he turned 21. My baby would have been fine with that, except for the fact that he had already developed an addiction to nicotine. Up until now, he’s had

to bum cigarettes off friends, but thank God he can finally feed his addiction legally!” When questioned about what made his 21st birthday so gratifying, Costapolis took several moments to think, lean back, and shotgun another beer. “It’s one thing to have a glass of wine or something with Thanksgiving dinner when you’re 19 or something,” Costapolis stated matter-of-factly. “And I guess your parents always SUSPECT that you're doing stuff secretly, but they can't pin anything on you. Now that I'm 21 though, I can just live my life without giving a shit about secrecy or anything. Do you have any idea how liberating it is to pound a 40 in front of your dad?” When asked about his

goals and aspirations for his future now that he is an adult, Costapolis revealed to reporters: “My mom wishes that I take it slow, get a steady job, and start a family. But I had to tell my mom that I already have a steady job and it’s called ‘being a full-time student’ and the only lady for me is Lady Roulette. As of last month, I’m also in an openrelationship with booze and cocaine. It gets a little complicated.” Costapolis gave no further comment at press-time, citing that “press-time is over and party-time has begun!” before attempting to do a keg stand by himself, with his mother tearfully looking on and preparing to take Polaroid photos for a family photo album.

Summoning the spirits of satire past


Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief..............................Sage Cristal Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins Managing Editor............David Vereau Gorbitz Content Editor........................Dan Kaliblotzky Content Editor.............................Rhys Shriver Content Dad......................................Chris Jin Design Editor.....................Sophia Landaverde Design Editor................................Jay Noonan Graphics Editor....................Stephen Lightfoot

Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma Copy Editor..........................Samantha Cane Acting Copy Editor..................Ethan Coston Social/Publicity Chair........Matthew McMahon Distribution Captain.......David Vereau Gorbitz D.C. Correspondent..........Mishelle Arakelian MQ Step Cousin.........................Daniel Clinton Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

Caught off guard. This is snot normally us.

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2018 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. First production is always rough: people are moving into their new apartments, others are arriving late from a long summer break, and we are all coming to terms with the beginning of another school year. I was concerned about the small group of editors working this production, but damn. We kicked ass. Specifically Ethan for stepping up and making sure our jokes were legible, Sophia and Jay for bringing food and even better — giving our newspaper a makeover. She needed work. Also shout out to Sophia for taking care of our little friends. Stephen made more graphics than I thought was humanly possible, although Nah came very close. Matt produced incredibly high-quality events and recruited smiling, new faces whom I hope will take the time to read this. David drew a pretty nice horse. As for Dan, Rhys, and Chris: y’all put up with a lot of opinions (most of them coming from me), but this issue is one of my all-time favorites. You are all incredible people whom I feel so lucky to get to work with. Let’s do it again sometime. XOXO, Sage

Rachel Berge Isaac Canada Valeria Castro Daniel Chit Paola Diaz Chris Doherty Daniel Eliyahu Levi Friley Leo Grabowski Cole Greenbaun

Emma Hoffman Tiffany Hamilton Rowan HernandezCosme Jade Hookham Ikran Ibrahim Daniel Kupor Sam Leaman Chris Lee Rene Mejia

Ryan Martinez Natalia Nenn Annie Nguyen Elizabeth Niculescu Matt Olson Tez Padhee Aniyah Pleasant Kavita Poduri Pilan Scruggs Declan Sullivan

Angelica Sun Jasmine Terhall Quoc Tran Sarah Wernher Michael Ye Ricky Zhao Steven Zhou

Booster Club Thank you to Jay, Sophia, and Rhys for bringing in soda and Goldfish. Thank you to Jay for the Danimals — even though they have a weird texture that I don’t personally enjoy. Thank you to Rhys for bringing in the Skittles that ended up in Sage’s M&M bag. And thank you to Ethan for the Quadratini; dark chocolate is a bomb flavor. We had a small team this production, but we still managed to stay nourished.

September 26, 2018

Page 3

Student Unable to Afford Salt, Uses Chip Dust Instead

“I’d like to use more chip dust, but with all the air in the bags, it’s getting too expensive,” Brown said. By Pilan Scruggs


Staff Writer

ith the start of a new academic year, students are publicizing various resolutions. Thirdyear economics major Antony Brown shared a couple of his in a particularly long Instagram caption accompanying a photo of himself cradling a single leaf of lettuce: to learn to cook simple meals, save more money, and attend at least one class per week. When asked about his prospective recipes in-person, Brown immediately appeared to turn sullen. “I can’t even afford most of the ingredients, let alone attempt following a recipe. However, I’m starting slow and finding ways to improvise. This morning I learned how to fry an egg, but since I can’t afford salt, I used the remains of last night’s Fritos bag instead,” he explained, indicating an overflowing variety box on the counter. “It’s far from ideal, but it works for

me. Besides, I recently heard that MSG is the sophisticated millenial’s salt.” Brown revealed that he became inspired to learn how to cook from watching the late Anthony Bourdain on television and, more recently, reading his novel “Kitchen Confidential.” “I was so profoundly affected,” Brown said about Bourdain’s death, his voice breaking. “Can you imagine my pain? Just before finals, when things can’t get any worse, I’m sitting in Pines when my roommate Edward appears and breaks the news to me. I thought I was going to die, and not because of the chicken tenders.” Brown, shaking, tried to elaborate, but instead simply said that he needed to leave for a moment, leaving his roommate Edward Lin to answer further questions. “Poor Antony,” Edward sighed, shaking his head. “These past few months have been rough for him.

I’m no good at consoling people,and I figured that he probably didn’t want to hear the same words coming from my mouth day after day anyways, so I bought him that book for his birthday at the start of July. It was still a touchy subject, but I knew I needed to do something.” Brown cried himself to sleep most nights before receiving the book, but he was found sobbing into a soup from Ralph’s the day after Lin gave it to him that, according to Brown, was “crafted to honor Bourdain’s spirit of adventure.” “Kitchen Confidential” pulled Brown out of the dumps, reported Lin. He read the book voraciously and then one day announced that his new life goal was to follow in Bourdain’s footsteps. “I wasn’t sure if he was being serious, but at that point anything positive was progress,” Lin said. “So here we are.” At that point, Brown

PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot

emerged from his room along with the sounds of a “Parts Unknown” rerun, dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief, but insisting on resuming the interview. “Yeah, so I guess you know my story now,” Brown said, settling into a chair. “I’m a bit stuck, since my budget doesn’t permit me to buy all of these ingredients cookbooks ceaselessly mention, but that doesn’t deter me.” Brown listed several of his other surrogate ingredients: spicy sweet chili Doritos for chili powder, sour cream and onion Lays for garlic powder, and parmesan Goldfish for parmesan cheese. “Actually, you should stay for dinner if you can. I was going to try making lasagna, but the recipe calls for basil and that stuff’s expensive. In the meantime, can I get you a drink?” Brown turned around, reaching over a cheese-covered toaster laid sideways toward a 12-pack of Yerba Mate.

First-Year Student Buys Surfboard, Definitely Ready for College Now

Upcoming MQ Events! First Distro! Wednesday 9/26 Library Walk 10 a.m. - 2 p.m.

Be the first of your friends to grab te newest issue of The MQ. Pick it up in your favorite lecture/residence hall or Library Walk. You’ll be able to say you knew us before we were cool.

Ignore the fact that classes start tomorrow by laughing along with us while watching Up! Ditch your attachment to a healthy sleeping schedule already! You won’t need it where you’re going.

Movie Night! Wednesday 9/26 MQ Office 7 p.m. - 10 p.m.

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Did you know La Jolla seals — actually, whatever. Just join us and our tanned bodies glistening under the sun.

First Meeting! Tuesday 10/2 Half Dome Lounge, Muir 6 p.m.

Celebrare your first night as a college student! Get wild and join us on a trip to Baked Bear for ice cream sandwiches.

Beach Day! Sunday 9/30 MQ Office 11 a.m. - 3 p.m.

Sit in a room filled with sweat, tears, and broken ice. Afterwards, join us for a party celebrating the joys of print media!


Reasons You Should be Running

PHOTO By hannah lykins

Pedestrians said that they wished Standall would use the surf lane. By Hannah Lykins


Managing Editor

irst-year Muir College student Billy Standall decided to purchase a surfboard approximately one-hour after moving-in, in an effort to “properly” prepare himself for his time as a college student. “I’m just super excited about this! It’s my first time being on my own and I feel like I need to celebrate,” exclaimed Standall. “My parents told me to pack kind of light since I have two roommates and I thought they were right at first. But I’m an adult now, and there’s totally enough space to put a surfboard in here.” After throwing his suitcases into his room and saying goodbye to his mom, Standall was seen searching “best surfboards for beginners” on his phone, while waiting for the 201 near Revelle College. He was not joined by his room-

mates, who said they had no interest in Standall “bringing his shit into their room.” “You know he didn’t ask us about this, right?” Mark Naddaf, one of Standall’s roommates, asked. “Like we barely met this guy ten-minutes ago and now he’s out buying a goddamn surfboard. He just threw his shit on the ground and left; his mom’s still in our fucking room! I guess that’s what I get for meeting my roommates through the meme page.” In response to Standall’s other roommate Cameron Ortega muttering “But why though” within earshot, Standall outlined his motivations: “I’ve never told anyone, but I’ve always wanted to learn how to surf. I know it’s a little unconventional, but I think that a surfboard is what’s gonna really set me apart from the other freshmen,” Standall explained. “I mean, the beach

is literally a 20-minute walk from Tenaya, so I know I’ll have enough time to go down there at least once a week. That’s what everyone does here, right?” “Literally no one at this school goes to the beach,” Kevin Swartz, a second-year student and one of Standall’s suitemates said. “First-years always think they’re going to have so much free-time, but in about a month, they’ll be just as tired and busy as the rest of us. Trust me: one of my roommates had a surfboard last year and I don’t think that jackass used it once after October or November.” Standall’s decision was prompted during move-in, when he saw a group of students walking down North Torrey Pines with surfboards. “Yeah, we didn’t buy our boards til our third year,” said Sean Merrin, one of the surf-

ers. “I mean, even now, we only have time to go to the beach because classes haven’t started yet. Plus, do you honestly think we’d fit these boards into triples? That’s crazy, man; I really needed all my extra space for my mini-fridge and microwave. It’d be way too difficult to heat up my gyudon every night with something like this getting in the way.” When asked about his purchase, Standall responded that he “had no idea how big surfboards really were,” but was confident that his eightfoot board would comfortably fit in his room. “This just feels right to me, you know? I’m sure my roommates will be fine with it, though. I mean it’s not like they have a choice now. And I’m only taking 20 units this quarter, so I know I’ll have plenty of time to test this baby out.”

10. You saw the Corgi Man out of the corner of your eye 9. You’re about to be the most dangerous game 8. You lost track of the person you were stalking 7. You have the pumped-up kicks and he has a gun 6. You woke up upright on a turned-on treadmill 5. Someone tried flirting with you and you’re terrified of intimacy 4. You heard the ice cream truck’s jingle 3. You just realized the final started an hour ago 2. What else are you going to do, fight the bear? 1. There aren’t enough women in politics

We showed you our satire; will you go out with us?


Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 4

September 26, 2018

Local Father Completes IKEA Desk, Now a Furniture Crafting Celebrity


Amazon Prime Student Made Shopping for My First Year of College So Easy!

By Tiffany Munoz


“What they don’t tell you is that you have to assemble the trophy yourself,” Nickelson said. By Dan Kaliblotzky

Content Editor ocal father and amateur Swede Joshua Nickelson completed “MICKE,” a black desk from IKEA, for his daughter’s college apartment last week. So impressed in his own work, Nickelson declared himself a Furniture Crafting Expert by starting an instagram to show off his future work and offer his service to the general public. “I think @IKEAllingtheGame is a big step for my adult life. When I finished Katie’s desk, I felt a passion for a craft I’d long forgotten about. I’m taken back to my glory days when I executed my art for my bachelor pad. I’ve decided I can’t be tied down by society’s definition of what a ‘job’ is, and now you can call me to ask if that nail matches that picture for only $2.99 until October 1 — $2 off my normal rates. Call now!” Home furniture crafting experts have praised Nickelson as the new craftsman to


watch as he begins his career assembling wooden furniture according to the instructions. “He had a real screwdriver before he even bought the desk!” says Mark Carlton, president of the Fathers Following Furniture Fantasies. “This guy is the real deal. If we had dads like him when we founded FFFF, we definitely would have gotten those jobs at IKEA headquarters. Now my wife shoved me into a Crate and Barrel job and I couldn’t be more unhappy. I think we all need to take a note from Joshua’s lifestyle and get our hands dirty with stylish, affordable Swedish furniture.” Other members of FFFF have started a following of Nickelson’s work, including a Facebook fan-page named “Fans Favoring Fantastic Furniture,” formed only two days after the creation of @ IKEAllingtheGame. Another fan-page was created just yesterday in Fremont, CA, named “Fanatical Friends and Families Finding Func-

tional Furniture Fashionable: Fremont Folk.” Katie Nickelson, the owner of a brand new MICKE and Joshua Nickelson’s daughter, is not a part of her father’s fanbase: “I mean, he didn’t even make the full desk. I made like half of it and it wasn’t even difficult. Building IKEA furniture doesn’t take a lot of skill, but it took over two-hours because he kept asking me how to read the instructions, saying he ‘doesn’t understand Swedish.’” After overhearing this, Mr. Nickelson explained, “Hey, I don’t think it’s reasonable for an American to have to learn the Swedish language. The entire writing system is just arrows and humanoid figures building furniture.” IKEA has taken notice of the new expert in their field. In response to his Instagram success, they have announced the JOSHNIK, a $3 black picture frame. It will be showcased in their “College Crib” showroom, found between the couches and the bookshelves

PHOTO By Hannah Lykins

in select locations. The IKEA San Diego description lists it as “a sleek frame to hold any group pic from your Instagram to show you’re #IKEAlling it! Easily built in five to ten minutes, depending on your skill level.” Since the frame’s release, FFFF members have created crafting tournaments to show furniture crafting dexterity. The most recent tournament boasts a 30-minute completion time, as performed by Brad Fields, a proud father of two sons from Irvine, CA. After his dazzling success, Fields revealed his secret: “I actually used a strategy I saw in a @IKEAllingthegame video to get the pegs in the frame faster. I never would have thought to do it before, but in one video, he took a second to glance at the instructions briefly before throwing them away and saying, ‘Whatever, I can do this.’ It was a risk, but I think it gave me the edge in this race. ”

"This Family Has Gone to Shit, Dagnabbit,” Local Grandfather Announces at Family Reunion By Stephen Lightfoot


Graphics Editor

t a recent Baker family reunion, local grandfather Charlie Baker recently stated he was “completely fed-up with everyone’s petty buffoonery.” Baker had reportedly set-up the reunion with the hopes of bringing the family closer together, but things began to take a turn for the worse when everyone sat down at the dinner table. What started as polite conversation quickly deteriorated into family drama, resulting in a total of 32 eye rolls, 11 exasperated sighs, and five political debates. Baker’s speech reportedly came after the sixth interjection of “well, actually…” This in-fighting reportedly enraged Baker, who was seen beforehand trying to eat ‘Nana’s old-fashioned barbequed chicken’ in peace. “I’ve lived a good life in the 92 years I’ve been alive and I thank God for every day that goes by,” Baker proclaimed. “That being said, the idea of not having to deal with this family’s bullshit in a couple years is incredible.” Baker’s announcement was shocking to both sides of his family, including his own children. “Look, I love my father,” Baker’s daughter stated. “Can he be a bit eccentric at times? Sure, he’s always been sort of quirky. Usually that’s just dad being dad, but I feel like his outbreak at dinner was a bit much. I think we were

PHOTO By hannah lykins

When Baker’s daughter suggested that he start looking for retirement homes, he pulled out a knife and said, “You’ll have to take me there in a bodybag.” all annoyed at Debra talking about her kid’s admission to Harvard like it was the second coming of Christ, but to call her a ‘cheeky lil’ bastard’ to her face instead of politely sipping water and fake smiling? I don’t know, I don’t think that’s how I would have handled that situation.” Though the entire Baker family was offended at the comments made, few did anything about it. “I didn’t wanna cause a scene,” a family-member, who wished to stay anonymous, sighed. “Everyone was silently at each other’s throats. But if I had let up, that would mean that they won and mama didn’t raise no quitter. I want to eat

and laugh as much as the next family, but sometimes you gotta hunker down and pretend you’re having a better time than you actually are.” “I’m pretty sad, actually,” one distant cousin added. “I’m not super close to everyone, so I didn’t even get the satisfaction of being able to know about why Charlie was chewing people out. It doubly sucks ‘cause everyone left before I could get Robert’s peach cobbler recipe and I’ve been meaning to get that bad boy for ages.” After several days passed since the reunion took place, Baker refused to back-down and instead reaffirmed his belief that his family was “a

bunch of chicken-hearted scamps.” In individual letters, which were mailed to all attendees, Baker continued to vent. “I understand this family comes from all walks of life and we all have very different beliefs,” Baker began. “But I’m a very firm believer in the idea that if you have something to say, you need to just up ‘n say it. And I for one am not afraid to say that this family has gone to hell in a handbasket. I’m surprised you all have survived so long without spines, you shabbaroons.” Baker canceled any future reunions for the foreseeable future, which was met with a half-hearted collective groan and, later, a few ecstatic tweets.

College Freshman

MG! You guys would not believe what cute stuff I got for my dorm, all from shopping exclusively on Amazon! From enchanting floral string-lights to a cozy humidifier, Amazon made it easy to decorate my dorm room, while ignoring the fact that I am one of the millions of people helping Amazon monopolize multiple industries! So cute! When I was accepted into my local four-year university, I was just so excited. It meant that I was able to qualify for Amazon Prime Student! Once I got my classes figured out and my room assignments finalized, I took to Amazon to do some shopping. Beyond buying all my dorm room essentials from Amazon, I was able to buy all of my textbooks from Amazon, too! Even though Amazon purposefully lowers the prices of their books in order to put local bookstores out of business, I don’t mind! I’m just happy to help contribute to Amazon, who accounts for 75 percent of all online book sales! It’s thanks to loyal customers like me that our schools and firefighters are receiving less money from sales tax since Amazon pays zero (yes, zero!) dollars in local and state taxes. Isn’t that sweet? Once I had my textbooks, I realized I would miss a lot of my favorite snacks and meals that I ate a home. That’s how I realized that Amazon could ship me all of my favorites (at least until they open their physical grocery stores)! Since Amazon bought out Whole

Foods for $13 billion, I can rest easy knowing that I’ll never have to purchase fruits and vegetables from honest vendors ever again. After having my yummiest snacks delivered via drone (how futuristic and not at all worrying!), I almost forgot to buy a chair for my desk. But that was no problem for Amazon! Not only could I buy a chair from their website, but I could purchase a service that would send someone to help assemble it when it arrived! Now, instead of helping to support my local businesses by purchasing their services, I can just contact the businesses that Amazon controls! Just last week, I ripped my favorite dress, and instead of taking it to the seamstress in my local area who took great care to be kind and speedy, I sent it to one of Amazon’s businesses for a few bucks cheaper! Sure, the seamstress might go out of business, but I didn’t even have to leave my home to get my dress fixed! Not only is Amazon making my life easier by selling every good or service you could ever want, but now that I’m in college, I can rely on Amazon as my news source as well! That’s right! Amazon just bought out the Washington Post! Whether their motives are to keep the public from recognizing their inhumane treatment of workers in warehouses (did you know Amazon warehouses have paramedics on standby for when their workers pass out from exhaustion? How thoughtful!) or whether Amazon wants to sell their products within news articles (although Buzzfeed and other sites are already doing this, thank heavens!), I couldn’t be more excited. I’m just so elated to see Amazon’s valuation balloon into more than $250 billion. And I couldn’t be happier to know that through my patronage, Amazon will become an unstoppable force in our capitalist economy! Yay!


Things You Will Have to Do for Yourself Now That You’re Not Living with Your Parents 10. Ask yourself when you will be getting a significant other 9. Learn to cook an egg without burning down your house this time 8. Miss your own soccer games 7. Desperately seek your own approval 6. Catch yourself … you know 5. Find humor in Minion memes 4. Complain about changing the thermostat 3. Neglect calling yourself every day 2. Set your own parental controls on your computer 1. Continue the tradition of starting shit with your aunt

We’re actually just two smaller satire newspapers in a trenchcoat


Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. |

September 26, 2018

Area Student Decides Dying Is Better Than Making Phone Call

Page 5


Buy One, Get One PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

“Woah. Ok. Yes I’ll hold, damn,” Pemberley said. By Rhys Shriver

Content Editor rea student Amanda Pemberley was found lying in her bed on September 16, lamenting her fate after refusing to call her doctor. According to her roommate, Jakob Diez, Amanda had been complaining for several days about a stomach pain that she described as “almost literally stabbing” and “relatively minor blood loss,” until Jakob suggested she set up an appointment with her doctor to see what was wrong. “You know, you’d think that someone who’s 20 would be responsible enough to know when to go to the doctor’s,” Jakob commented, “but it seems that social anxiety and a slip of the tongue is enough to prevent a twominute phone call. I know the pot is calling the kettle black a little bit here, seeing as I hid


under my bed when someone rang the doorbell yesterday, but at some point you gotta get over it, you know? “Like, she’s been complaining about the pain for at least a week, but apparently it hurts more to call someone than it does to get out of bed,” Jakob continued, rolling his eyes. “I even offered to call for her, but she said that would be even more embarrassing. Or, at least she tried to in between coughing and wincing.” When asked for her thoughts during a short moment of lucidity, Amanda explained, “See, I started to call my doctor, but when the secretary asked for my name I told her I was 20 and there was an awkward pause and I just hung up. It’s over. I can never call them again. “I at least wanted to find out what’s wrong with me,”

Amanda continued, “so I googled my symptoms to see what’s up. WebMD said I’m dying, so, I guess I’m dying then, huh?” In the days following, Amanda was seen doing several tasks such as picking various flowers, buying a nice tuxedo to match the casket she was looking at on eBay, and discussing with her friend Nadia Lycan the flavor of energy drink she’d like served at her funeral party. “I was going to suggest Grape Gatorade, but I remembered that it tastes too much like the medicine I’m supposed to be taking, so I decided I’d rather go with the classic ‘Cool Blue,’” Amanda explained, clutching the bridge of her nose over the sink as she attempted to stop one of her frequent bloody noses. “And fruit punch reminds me a lot of the color of blood, which I’ve seen

too much of recently. I’m fine though, really, this happens all the time,” she continued, stumbling in place apparently lightheaded. “I’d be more concerned if this didn’t happen every other week,” Nadia stated. “Last month, she bruised her ribs while dancing in her room and the month before that, her knees almost gave out while walking down Peterson Hill. Not even a week ago, I took her to the hospital and she was so surprised by the nurse coming to speak with her that she developed a slight heart murmur.” Amanda was last seen clutching her stomach, saying, “I refuse to ask the professor for an extension on my midterm paper. I’d rather die,” while clutching onto a tree to regain her balance, before limping to her history discussion.

Local College Student Concerned About Politics, Does Nothing About It

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“I mean, what’s one vote really going to do?” Alaffia asked rhetorically. By Mishelle Arakelian and Daniel Clinton D.C. Correspondent and MQ Step Cousin


reg Alaffia, a local 20-something college student, is concerned about current geopolitical affairs, but has no real plans to do anything about it. Alaffia has been heard by several friends condemning “what’s been going down in Washington” and declaring that “we should drain the swamp; those mosquitoes are running rampant all over Seattle.” During his freshman year of college, Alaffia experienced a political awakening after watching Schoolhouse Rock’s educational video “I’m Just a Bill.” After dipping his toe into the water of current affairs, Alaffia began to regularly watch the monologues

of late-night talk show hosts, something he reportedly considered to be a suitable replacement for what he referred to as “corporate establishment news media.” Alaffia further matured his political palette by showing surface-level support for any politician that reminded him of a character from “The West Wing,” especially if they resemble Rob Lowe. He also made sure to share the petitions created by these Rob Lowe-ish politicians to social media, encouraging his friends to sign them even if he does not know what they are about. One anonymous friend cited an instance where Alaffia shared a petition calling for “the people” to “rise up,” which further reading revealed to be a petition to abolish the physical act of sitting. Concerned over privacy

after seeing a GIF of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg drinking a glass of water, Alaffia attempted to delete all information about himself from the Internet. Conveniently for reporters, local unpaid newspaper intern Tiffany Sudenzki was able to obtain pieces of Alaffia’s profile through Tinder, which Sudenzki called “a phone application for lonely yet politically-minded college students.” The description box of Alaffia’s Tinder profile lent valuable insight on the complex machinery of Alaffia’s blossoming political awareness. The first line read simply that he is “a #wokefeminist and over six-feet-tall.” The rest of the profile indicated that Alaffia is excited for the midterm elections this coming fall. This was determined to be the context for a gallery

PHOTO By David Vereau Gorbitz

of photos of Alaffia with his bulk supply of “I voted” stickers, despite his own expressed reluctance to register to vote because “that’s what the man wants you to do.” Sudenzki eventually tracked down Alaffia’s contact information and arranged to meet him for coffee at his preferred location of Joe’s Bean. After a curt introduction and a reportedly weak handshake, Alaffia went on a tangent about the growing service sector, the “fluidity of labor in a political economy,” and the “modern abhorrence of workers’ rights.” When Sudenzki pressed for details or further explanations, Alaffia simply continued to recite news article headlines from memory, while pausing momentarily to sip his non-Fairtrade black coffee.

Buy one roommate, get one free because your double was converted into a triple

Buy one, please? It would really mean a lot to us if you bought one.

Page 6

September 26, 2018

The MQ’s G


Do you want to get ripped? Do you want want to become a better you? Do you want to ge of these dreams are attainable if you subscribe to our fantastic fitness plans. Fo

Plan Your Trip to RIMAC Funhouse mirrors that make you look buff

Little Known RIMAC Facilities

The “Getting Fit Montage Room,” where they blast the Rocky soundtrack 24/7


The entrance to all those underground tunnels you’ve been hearing about


The Personal Trainer incubator

7th College The sweaty borrowed towel fermenter

People You’ll Find at RIMAC

>> A person sitting on an exercise mat while on their phone for 30 minutes straight

>> Some guy who needs to grunt while doing squats to show how strong he is

>> Your MATH 20B TA. Oh no, without their shirt on, they’re kind of hot

>> The guy who asks you to watch his stuff while he goes to the bathroom, before disappearing forever >> A confused man who thinks he has wandered into the museum of avant garde chairs >> Someone who’s been running on the treadmills and can’t stop because if the speed drops below 10 mph, it will explode

September 26, 2018

Guide to

Page 7

ng Fit

et a role in a commercial where you appear just to flex your biceps as “Bro 1?” All ollow these tips and study our guide to start the fitness journey of your life!

Personal Trainer Bios Namaste! My name is Ingrid Borhanson and I’m here to guide you through your yoga journey. My mantra is to start every workout with love in your heart and chai tea running through your veins. I started my practice when I attended a yoga retreat with my college sorority and since then I’ve lost over 50 pounds through mindful breathing, strong posture, and a diet that consists of eating only five olives I set aside from my salads each day. I teach the intermediate, advanced, and almost lethal hot yoga courses that are offered here at RIMAC! Those who are interested in my teachings should bring their own yoga mat, as well as anti-slip yoga gloves, a sweat-wicking headband, and other expensive and unnecessary equipment that you think will help you realign your chakras. If you want to get fit, then remember to stay hydrated, set realistic goals, and eat the rest of my salads almost exclusively! How’s it going? I’m Richard Hardwell. You may know me from my NatGeo documentary, “Rock Hard,” where a cameraman followed me during my naked run in Antarctica, accompanied me while hunting snow leopards in the Himalayas, and witnessed me wrestling crocodiles in the Nile. It is MY job to make YOU get IN SHAPE. And don’t worry about how unprepared you are; with my special exercise regime and diet, you can be just like me. Not to give away all my secrets up front, but you can expect that by the end of our training sessions, you’ll have a 15,000-calorie diet to sustain all the gains you will have. You’ll be ripping off shirt-sleeves and catching all the eyes you want — even the eyes of those you don’t. You’ll have no barriers. You will be able to do anything you set your eyes on. Completing an Ironman? Check. Knocking a Hippo unconscious? Check. Swimming across the Pacific Ocean? You know it.

Hello, it’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Kal — uh, my name is Clark. I’m just your everyday neighborhood physical trainer, but I hope I can be of assistance. Getting in shape seems like a daunting task, but I want to make it as easy for you as possible. My regimen starts out with the simple feat of lifting five skyscrapers — er, five pounds. We’ll gradually ramp up the intensity at a rate you’re comfortable with, until you’re bench pressing a planet — uh, your body weight. Not a planet, that would be silly. My program also has an aerobics component: we’ll start out with a light ten k.m. run, move up to a brisk marathon, and maybe run around the whole planet in a single day. Er, ignore that last one. It was a joke. I don’t even look like that super guy or whatever. Anyways, if you’re interested in getting fit with me, come visit me at the Fortress of Solitude — er, I mean, at my apartment in Costa Verde. Hey, potential trainee. I’m Dave. I’m a third-year Cognitive Science major and I used to play soccer back in high school. I’ll be honest with you: I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I thought I was applying for a desk position, but it turns out they think I’m qualified to be a personal trainer. I’m not one to shy away from a challenge, and I think that I’ve got a pretty good system for helping you get fit. My routine is simple: I stand by the machine you’re working out on, then you do a couple reps while I yell motivational phrases at you. I like to think I’ve struck the perfect balance between motivation and anger, sort of like a combination of a drill sergeant and your mom. I know that you have a lot of options for trainers out there and I won’t be offended if you choose someone else. After all, I don’t work on commission, so the school will pay me even if you don’t use me.

Exercise Equipment You Can Use Wear a bro tank — it’s scientifically proven to increase your gains by 30 percent

Carry around a 10lb Hydro Flask, so you’re always working out

Always bring all of your assigned philosophy readings in physical form

Use an acoustic stairmaster

Try a small cattle-prod that zaps you whenever you are walking too slowly

Diet Tips >> Become

a Roots trash can and eat people’s leftovers. You’ll get most of the food anyways >> Draw smiley faces on all your candy and give it human names. That way, you’ll be too attached to eat them >> Eat only vitamin gummy bears. They’re nutritious and delicious! >> Who cares what you eat? Liquids are all the rage right now >> Skip the vegetables and go straight for the dirt

Page 8

September 26, 2018

FDA Hits Monkey Poisoning Quota in Record Time By Matt Olson

Staff Writer he FDA published a report online last week announcing that they have hit their monkey poisoning quota nearly three months ahead of schedule. The report, titled “Woah Shit, We Did Good This Year,” is only 15 pages long — a stark contrast to the typical 300 page length — and details some of the circumstances that led to this notable increase in speed, as well as a list of notable accomplishments over the past year that can be directly attributed to it. According to the report, the two most important advancements were a budget increase and the news that the general public doesn’t care if the government poisons monkeys to death. These circumstances have been a valuable aid to the FDA’s production cycle, according to John Rogers, an FDA spokesperson. He also said that the public will likely see the results of these advancements in the near future. “Generally speaking, it takes us about four months to get all the paperwork out of the way so we can start testing a product on monkeys,” Rogers said. “There’s a surprising amount of bureaucratic redtape we have to go through for the higher-ups to let us start our experiments. In an ideal world, we could test one or two monkeys a week. For some reason, people seem hesitant to let us work at our own pace and start shoving shit into monkeys. Oh well, that’s government for you. “Now though, thanks to the new regulations and how

PHOTO By Sage Cristal

“This is more fun than a barrel of monkeys,” the FDA agent said. “But not as fun as a barrel of dead monkeys.” little everyone apparently cares about the stuff that’s happening in our facilities, we’ve hit our poisoning quota nearly three months ahead of schedule.” Rogers went on to list the various products that were tested on the recently deceased monkeys — some of which didn’t kill the monkeys, but only brought them to the brink of death. “Some of the experiments had quite positive results! The super-deodorant testing was a success. They smelled great

after some forced exercise and the smell even covered up the chemical burns. The makeup tests were successful too. It didn’t even burn the monkeys and you could barely notice the dead, soulless looks in their eyes because of how pretty their eyeshadow was,” Rogers said. “We did have slight problems with some of the energy drink tests. One monkey shit his insides out of his body and turned himself inside-out. Another started scratching a symbol into his cell wall over

and over again. We later discovered this symbol had striking similarity to an ancient nordic rune that meant either ‘hate fueled revenge far into the afterlife’ or ‘fishmonger.’ Either way, it provided some excellent research.” According to Rogers, next year’s progress report will only be a single page containing a clipart image of two scientists holding down a chimpanzee, forcing its jaws open, while a third scientist pours a canister of gasoline directly into its screaming mouth.

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

“You know, they said the move to D1 was going to be hard, but I didn’t know D1 football fields would be regulation concrete,” one student said.


CSD will break ground on the new RIMAC Parking Structure next week; a plan that is projected to add 3,000 parking spots, but will take away UCSD’s largest field which is currently used for Commencement, Sun God Festival, and sporting events. According to the Chancellor’s office, the plan was created after public outcry about construction taking away badly needed parking on campus. Khosla has assured confidence that other areas of campus can accommodate the displaced events and requested that students stop criticizing him for making decisions that negatively affect the student experience. “I spent six hours looking for student parking during Summer Session One finals week and I ended up missing all of my finals and failing all of my summer classes, which

27th and 31st Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Alabama ever in my entire political career have I ever been so hurt and offended. When I accepted an all-expensespaid trip to Washington, I believed that I was to receive an award for supporting Israel. Instead, washed-up “comedian” Sacha Baron Cohen greeted me with allegations of sexual misconduct. Not only was Mr. Cohen way out of line with these allegations, but he made a huge mistake by messing with me, Roy “Hound Dog” Moore. Sure, I may have dated some teenagers when I was a wild and naive 30-year-old, but I never went past second base with anyone under the age of 16. And just so you liberals know, the age of consent in Alabama is 16. Anyways, on his TV show, Mr. Cohen — disguised as ex-Israeli Intelligence Officer — told me he had a piece of technology that he used to recognize pedophiles by detecting an enzyme they


UCSD Begins Construction on RIMAC Field Parking Structure, Cites Lack of Parking Due to Construction

Acting Copy Editor

Along With Other Politicians, I Will Be Suing a Comedian for Making Jokes at My Expense By Roy Moore


By Ethan Coston


was a waste of money,” said Rachel Berger, a third-year student from Marshall College. “In hindsight, a $65 parking ticket to park in an empty ‘A’ lot every day would have been less expensive than paying for a class I didn’t attend.” What was once RIMAC Field will be an eight-story concrete parking garage with over 3,000 parking spots for students and faculty when completed. In order to pay for the new parking structure, tuition will be raised $1,000 per student and parking permits will increase by $150 each. Visitor parking permits will be raised to $10 an hour. Transportation Services Director Josh Kavanagh stated that he has faith this will be enough to push students into taking alternative modes of transportation to school and to fund the construction of RIMAC Parking Structure, in addition to any future projects that “the students probably want.”

“Parking is so unaffordable at UCSD,” ASUCSD VP Campus Affairs Daron Woods said. “Transportation Services is making it too expensive for students to park on campus and is deliberately outpricing low income students from being able to park and attend their classes. I hope we will be able to negotiate a permit fee decrease and prevent meaningless construction projects from happening in the future.” Woods proceeded to walk away to the Regents shuttle, shaking his head and sobbing quietly. Khosla said that commencement will “hopefully fit in Muir Field.” He plans to add viewing stations in lecture halls, so families don’t have to wait in the limited seating for their relatives to graduate. ASCE announced that this year’s Sun God Festival will be held in Price Center Ballroom West. “Since UC San Diego takes pride in its students’ abilities

to prioritize their studies over frivolous things such as a consistent social life and quality student lifestyle, I expect the change in venue will be able to accommodate every single student that wishes to attend Sun God Festival, while saving money and space,” Assistant Vice Chancellor of Student Life Patty Mahaffey said in response to the venue change. “Besides, I get paid whether or not UCSD gets called socially dead.” The parking structure will be completed in Fall of 2025 when students are assured it will be too late to house displaced parking from other construction on campus that is scheduled to be completed in the next two years. However, Chancellor Khosla states with confidence that he will find more “construction projects that probably help somebody, I don’t know” to obstruct parking and keep the new RIMAC parking structure from becoming unnecessary.

secrete. I was excited to see the technology in action, but once Mr. Cohen turned it on, it kept sounding the alarm signaling that I was a pedophile. I believe he made the whole thing up and that his technology was actually used to detect men who secrete more testosterone than the average man. I am suing Mr. Cohen for defamation of character, since he aimed to depict me as a pedophile, rather than for what I am: an overtly masculine individual who doesn’t apologize for his manliness. Ask any girl over 16 in Alabama and I’m sure they will say the same thing.


Along With Other Constituents, I Will Be Suing a Politician for Making Judgements at My Expense By Najwa Samann


Marginalized Citizen

ever in my life have I been so upset at a person who appeared on a television show on Showtime since Julia Stiles in Dexter. I’m talking about “horn dog” Roy Moore. Moore has has been public enemy number one to non-radical conservatives who believe women should have control over their own bodies, especially those who believe in sex among consenting ADULTS. I could go on and on listing the various crimes that Moore has committed against society but — oh, why not? For starters, in 2001 Moore helped create and install a monument to the Ten Commandments outside the Alabama Judicial Building. If that isn’t the definition of combining church and state, I don’t want to know what is. Speaking of God, in 2015 Roy Moore tried to play God by issuing an order to probate judges and their employees on February 8, the day before a federal court ruling legalizing same-sex marriage in Alabama was set to take effect. With this ruling, my partner and I had our rights to marriage threatened by Roy Moore.

The only time true justice prevailed was in 2016, when Moore resigned from the Alabama Supreme Court in the midst of his suspension for prohibiting same-sex marriage at a time when the law decreed that same-sex marriage was legal in Alabama. Speaking of relationships, we all know Moore had sex with 16-year-old girls while he was an adult, right? I’m just making sure we all know this. Good. Anyways, I am suing Roy Moore for threatening the basic rights of myself, and many other marginalized citizens of Alabama. People of Color, women, and members of the Queer community (not to mention those alleging sexual abuse against Moore) deserve better justices and community leaders than Roy Moore.

Made with ink fresh from our papers


Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. |

September 26, 2018

Area Student Buys Maximum Amount of Dining Dollars, Receives Fame and Glory

Page 9

New Tech Startup “Pomme” on Track to Surpass Apple

PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot

“Have you ever thought, ‘I want a phone without a headphone jack,’ but in French?” Lacroix asked. By Pilan Scruggs Staff Writer

T PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot

“Wait ‘til you see what I did with the gyudon,” Cecil said. By Stephen Lightfoot

Graphics Editor n an email sent out to students this past Friday, HDH announced that they were honoring Kay Cecil — an incoming Revelle student who was reportedly the only person to buy the largest dining dollar plan at $4,056. “My options were limited,” Cecil began, “but I thought to myself: the difference between the plans is only $400. That’s chump change. I might as well get a few extra mochas before I need to use the ol’ Amex,” she said, flashing her Centurion Card. Since the email, HDH has dedicated a plaque in Cecil’s honor which hangs in the lobby of its main offices. “I’m amazed,” one employee said. “I mean, the option is there,


but we didn’t think anyone would actually click it. Like, who the hell would pay $4,056 for what’s essentially Monopoly money?” In a few short days, Cecil had become a campus-wide celebrity and gained a tremendous amount of respect after purchasing her friend a pizza from OVT. “My pockets are deep and my coffers are full,” Cecil remarked, shrugging nonchalantly. “Could you imagine if I didn’t buy my friend that pizza? With my kind of cash? It would just be wrong. If I like someone, I’m gonna have the cash to back it up. After all, I’m a charitable person.” “What I like about her is that she has a strong moral compass,” one Sixth student commented. “She may brag from time to time that she has

so much cash and that she’s better than us in quite literally every way, but she also does the right thing at the end of the day. And I respect that.” However, other students have gone beyond praise and tried to emulate Cecil herself. One such student is Jessie Rosa, a third-year who is living off campus this year. However, due in part to Cecil’s rising popularity, Rosa and her roommates have decided to buy a community dining plan anyways. “I was sitting around with my friends one day and we all decided that we wanted to try to do good like Kay. So, we all took out more student loans and bought more dining dollars. Some people may say that we’re being ridiculous, but sometimes you just gotta look around at your peers and say,

‘If I’m not going to give money to HDH, who will?’” While Cecil maintains her status as a Dining Dollars Thousandaire, HDH has recorded an all-time high for amount of money received. In a statement, a spokesperson for HDH stated that HDH was “extremely grateful for all the help” and they told students that their funds would “most definitely be put to good use.” Some examples included hiring more overworked, minimumwage workers, and finding more corners to cut in food quality. “We here at HDH will leave no stone unturned if it means making a profit,” the spokesperson stated. “Because the reality is — even if it’s hot garbage, you’ll still buy it.”

Stuart Art Collection Submissions We asked readers to submit what they wanted to add to UCSD’s Stuart Collection. It turns out our readers are amazing artists! Until we hear back from the review board on the status of these art projects, we have published the submissions for your viewing pleasure.

here may soon be a different company named after a fruit controlling Silicon Valley. As the third quarter of 2018 begins to wind down, a new smartphone startup company aims to step-in between Apple and Samsung. The corporation, Pomme, despite entering the market last fall, is projecting a 350 percent increase in revenue over last quarter. Founder and former UCSD student Jean Lacroix described the project originally intended to pay for his tuition as “one donation from having [his] name emblazoned on the Old Student Center. “I was already working pretty heavy hours at 64, but my situation still looked dire. The way things were, I considered myself lucky whenever I ate two meals in a day.” Lacroix fused his knowledge of computers and dexterity in smartphone repair, working with what he could spare of his salary. “It was a massive risk, funneling all of my funds into this long-shot project. However, I figured that I had little to lose. Paying tuition without acquiring massive debt didn’t seem especially more likely than successfully launching a tech company.” Lacroix eventually started attracting customers and spreading his business. After four weeks, he earned double his initial investment. “It’s a super simple trick, really,” he explained. “People drop off their phones for a new battery, screen, or whatever, and I do that and add my signature,” Lacroix smiled as he revealed his logo, nearly a carbon copy of Apple’s. The only modification is relocating the bite to the fruit’s other side. “This way, I’m fairly certain we’re safe from copyright laws; I really owe it all to my friend,” he commented. “Guy’s a brilliant

artist and after telling me that I needed publicity, he offered to set me up. We work really well together. Even now it’s still just the two of us.” The pair eventually expanded their services beyond repairs to custom paint jobs and, ultimately, selling refurbished phones. Pomme now purchases supplies from eBay, wholesalers, and other inexpensive sources, and tinkers with them to revitalize dying devices. Add in the duo’s logo, Lacroix says, and it becomes identical to a brand new iPhone to 98 percent of consumers. At a recent TED talk advising aspiring tech companies, he qualified his founding principles, claiming, “If you fill a room with self-declared Apple fangirls, odds are half of them can’t even remember which direction the bite faces if you ask them point-blank. With Guy’s beautifully designed, Pomme-branded phone cases, most of our customers believe we’re just a classy, French Cupertino subsidiary.” Since the duo use inexpensive materials, they can keep their prices far below Apple’s. Within days of their initial eBay listings, Pomme was overwhelmed with orders. Lacroix, now with “more money than [he knows] what to do with,” promptly dropped-out of UCSD. His partner followed suit and the pair now work out of Lacroix’s Sunnyvale apartment to keep up with Pomme’s ever-swelling demand. “Apple’s beyond furious with us,” he smirked, “but I did my research and we’re safe for now. Besides, it’s funny to watch when their employees get confused trying to fix customers’ phones and nobody realizes that it is a Pomme. Look at this,” he held out an image of Tim Cook at a recent exhibition. “Check out which way the bite’s facing. You can bet Pomme is going to make some lawsuit money from this.”


Things You Didn’t Expect to Find in that Time Capsule “Mr. Sun” by Everleigh Taylor, age 4

“Horsey” by Zakary Morris, age 8

“Happy Thanksgiving” by Sally Henson, age 6

“Elsa” by Katie Williams, age 5

“Bear” by Timmy Hawkinson, age 58

“Daddy During His ‘Me Time’” by David Myer, age 7

10. A picture taken of you just yesterday 9. Your financial aid 8. A Vallartas burrito. This is probably still good, right? 7. Little Kassandra. She went missing all those years ago … 6. The ancient evil your forebearers sealed away 5. A peaceful resolution to the IsraelPalestine conflict 4. A check from 1960, where the minimum wage is somehow higher than yours 3. Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 2. A second, smaller time capsule 1. Yourself

Page 10

“Fuck It, There’s No God,” Says Pope in Surprising Press Conference

September 26, 2018


Saudi Arabia Bans Online Satire, Finally a Step in the Right Direction

Jim Johnson

Good Luck Trying to Find Me, I’m Behind Seven Firewalls

S PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot

When asked what the most important commandment of all was, the Pope said, “Love thy drug dealer as you would love thyself.” By Samantha Cane

Copy Editor n an attempt at “retribution for those who take ‘Jesus, take the wheel’ too far,” Pope Francis led a six hour surprise press conference in Vatican City last Wednesday. The Pope announced, despite what the Church has asserted for millennia, that there is no God. Little is known about the Pope’s frame of mind nor his mysterious disappearance between the hours of 3 a.m. until two-minutes before his scheduled appearance in front of the press. However, insider intel claimed the supreme pontiff emerged from the bathroom while furiously rubbing his nose in those last two-minutes. After months of silence, the Pope left most of the public dumbfounded by his abrupt reentry into the limelight. His unprecedented press conference sparked intrigue among the public eye and political figures alike, but no one was ready


for his final statement: "I wish I had a more compassionate way to say what I’ve concluded after months of intense spiritual recovery in solitude, but… fuck it, there's no God.” Pope Francis continued to defend his claim amid the uproar, “If there was a God, 2018 would have gone so much more differently. The Germans and their coach can attest to this! I’ve gotten too lost in the world of cryptocurrency to even begin to understand the United States’s tariffs that people keep telling me to worry about.” He paused to catch his breath before he concluded: “I’m glad it worked out for some, but it’s not sunshine and roses for everyone.” In response to his apothic criticisms, Pope Francis released one final statement on the matter, before announcing a trip to what is rumored to be Bora Bora: “I knew this to be true when I could only find solace in a type of medicudical drug. It is a methyl ester

of benzoylecgonine, I believe. Or as the kids call it, ‘blow,’” he said before laughing full-heartedly and giving a wink to the camera. Cardinal Sodano intervened later that day and spoke to the press to ensure the public about the Pope’s intentions. He calmly addressed the journalists in his statement: “Yes, we figured that we should cut the bullshit and end the charade of ‘God is looking out for all of us.’ Francis has liberated the world!” When asked if the subject matter of the Pope's statement was discussed beforehand and where the Pope’s line of reasoning came from, the spokesman for the Vatican pretended to trip and roll his ankle before muttering in Italian and limping away. Despite the mass confusion generated from the press conference, people were quick to move on from the Pope’s blatant profanity, transgressions, and overall

decimation of Catholic liturgy and its teachings. One attendee from the press conference commented, “He seems less stressed now, I suppose. I don’t know, I mean, if you think about it, God probably doesn’t exist. He’s right — Germany really messed up during the World Cup and I don’t know what will become of them as a team. The Pope was bound to lose his faith one of these days, right?” News of the Pope’s statement resonated around the world for approximately 14 hours. The extent of theological discussion amongst scientists and curates summed up that the Pope had it all figured out and that “life goes on,” as one member of the clergy stated. Meanwhile, Pope Francis refused to take any more questions and insisted that anyone who wanted to talk should “wait until after I get to see my dealer later today. I have to fill in the times between my Subway shifts.”

UCSD Professor Reluctant to Go Back to Class Because of "All Those Lame Freshies” By Cole Greenbaun


Staff Writer

CSD Mathematics Professor Ralph P. Olson recently expressed that he shares the “dread” of going back to school this fall with his students, mainly because of “all those spoon-gagging, ugly freshies.” “Ug g g g g h h h h h h h h ,” Olson grumbled while vaping. “School blows, man. Especially when I have to deal with those lame ass freshmen. Uck, they ruin the campus aesthetic with their shitty beards and pester my email with 'questions’ about 'my class.’ Like, get a life, nerds.” According to incoming freshmen in Olson’s upcoming MATH 20C class, Olson sent out an email in late August titled “Syllabus” that looked as if it contained the syllabus and expectations for the quarter, but instead only consisted of a picture of him “flipping off the camera in a Jimmy Buffett Tour shirt in what looked like the parking lot of a Jacksonville Popeyes Chicken,” with the words “Suck it Lanyard Tinybodies!” underneath. “Yeah, I call freshmen Lanyard Tinybodies!” Olson said while constructing a “meme” for the “UCSD Memes for Sexy Professors” Facebook page. “Hilarious right!? It’s because they’re tiny and wear lanyards. Call me Professor Goldson because I just struck comedy gold...son!” Olson then proceeded to laugh at his own joke for the rest of the interview.

audi Arabia announced they were finally banning online satire last month and I for one could not be more proud. People have said that the biggest threat to the government for years was satire and for years Saudi Arabia's been behind on the time, until last month when the biggest threat to Saudi Arabia was women. But now they have finally nailed down the real problem in their country: online satire. Declaring online satire a “cybercrime” punishable by up to five years in prison and an $800,000 fine, Saudi Arabia finally steps into the modernera by acknowledging the single largest threat to human rights in their country. This is among the harshest penalties they’ve ever imposed with only a few criminal activities ranking higher. Political dissent and peaceful protest both carry life sentences and rape is generally encouraged,

but otherwise this is one of the strongest condemnations against human rights that the country has enforced for many years. Unless you’re a woman, of course, in which case your punishment for any crime is universally rape and then some other shit too. Honestly, I understand where they’re coming from. Satire can be problematic, especially for a government that doesn’t enjoy laughter or treating their people like people. But who am I to judge? Look, who among us hasn’t wanted to commit minor genocide for the sake of keeping a hold of their power? Like the Saudi Arabian anthem says, “A human rights violation a day keeps the masses at bay.” I tried to get in touch with Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, as he was the one spearheading this march of forward progress, but unfortunately a woman was caught stealing bread last week, so he was busy watching her get her hands cut off before she was tied to a stake and burned alive. Luckily, I was able to get in touch with Saudi Arabia's minister of communications, Abdullah bin Amer Alswaha, who told me to fuck off and called me an American whore. Thanks to their new laws, I know that he meant it genuinely, which was hurtful but honest.


Things to Leave Off Your Resume 10. Your ability to watch three seasons of any given show in one day 9. Trained expertise in heavily embellishing job application documents 8. The estimated age and weight of the interviewer 7. That time you kicked a child 6. The blood type you think tastes best 5. Ties to Russia 4. Your freelance mortician days 3. Your lack of 20 years of experience at age 20 2. Your cameo in Wild Sluts 4 1. Social Media Advisor: Elon Musk, Summer 2018

PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot

“The final will be worth 30 percent of your grade, but I already 100 percent don’t give a shit,” Professor Olson said. While Olson’s comments may seem harmless to anyone not entering college this year as a freshman, the comments have reportedly taken a toll on incoming freshman morale. In a poll conducted by orientation leaders, only 14 percent of freshmen were “Totally Siked for College!!” and “shockingly” 74 percent were “Mostly Ready to Slip Into a Eucalyptus Haze of Depression and Stress for the Foreseeable Future.” This is not the first time this has happened, as Olson is a part of a small cohort of professors known as “Super Teachers,” a group that the university has granted “double tenure.” Chancellor Khosla admitted that the university has

been pressing Olson and some other “Super Teachers” to leave for years, but they have “just kind of hung around.” “Most of them are hardworking professors who are taking the extra time they need, but the others like to hang around and act like they own the place. Its given off a kind of creepy vibe,” Khosla said. “I figured if I told them I tenured them twice, they’d think they were too good for UCSD and leave. I mean it's not too hard to think you’re better than UCSD, just look at all the freshman we get with shitty beards, we aren’t Coolsville, USA, ya dig?” “Look, it’s not that I hate freshmen, they just don’t get it,” Olson said. “I’ve been here

for five years now and yeah, when I came here I was nervous and a little scared about fitting in, but look at me now! I’m cool as Coolsville, USA, and being scared and nervous is lame, so they obviously don’t understand how it works around here.” While many incoming students have been discouraged by Olson’s comments, freshman John Puckett was reportedly undeterred, stating: “I’m excited for Professor Olson’s class. Especially because I noticed Professor Olson and I have the same style. Our Beards? Shitty. Our Jimmy? Buffett. Our enthusiasm for math? Non-existent.”

Getting into the tree was easy. Staying in the tree, not so much


Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. |

September 26, 2018

Page 11

World’s Oldest Fly Dies at 43 (Days)

“I can’t believe how time flies. He will always be my pest friend,” Liu said. By Dan Kaliblotzky


Content Editor

house fly famous in the La Jolla area for its longevity has recently passed away in UCSD student Richard Liu's bathroom. The fly, affectionately named SouthPest Airlines, spent his last days trying to eat CLIF Bar wrappers in the bathroom trash can. Initially dismissed as a normal pause in buzzing, Liu was devastated to find the death of his beloved geriatric insect companion. “This past week has included some of my fondest memories with SouthPest,” Liu commented. “He was there for me every time I went to the bathroom with that same old expressionless bug face we’ve come to love so much. And I was there a lot. My roommate has been perfecting his enchilada recipe.” In the mourning process

for Airlines, Liu’s apartment has paid homage to the house fly by organizing a funeral that recognized the impact he had on his community. His achievements include keeping guard on the kitchen trash can, keeping guard on the bathroom trash can, and finally getting Ryan to throw out that rotten pear. Through tears, Ryan managed to add, “He even got me to take out the trash that one time. I can’t emphasize enough what an accomplishment that was. Not even Steven can get me to do that and he’s literally paying my rent this month.” In response, two residents of the household broke into vigorous nodding as Steven scoffed and briefly tried to hold back tears of his own. The ceremony will commence next Thursday, which, according to Liu, was “SouthPest’s weekly re-

laxation spa day,” during which he would be found loitering next to cucumbers. Airlines’ long life is reportedly attributed to his strict diet and exercise regimen. While in the kitchen, Airlines was frequently seen making rounds between the produce and the treadmill. “We were going to sell the treadmill, but we couldn’t bring ourselves to do it after seeing SouthPest’s commitment to his fitness journey,” Liu shared. “People told us that having a treadmill sitting around didn’t actually make you healthier if you didn’t use it, but I think SouthPest is proof of the contrary. He’s an inspiration to all of us.” Liu reportedly plugged-in the treadmill after a week of continued interest by Airlines. Some residents of the apartment even claimed to see the treadmill

Poll Reports 75 Percent of Millennials Would Vote for Corpse of Bernie Sanders in 2020

PHOTO By Sage Cristal

turned on at one point and no human has claimed responsibility for this as of yet. According to Liu, SouthPest Airlines would have hoped for a healthier house fly population and “a peaceful coexistence between man and insect.” Liu and his roommates have sent a public statement vowing to care for Airline’s offspring with the same “commitment to health” and “love for life” that Airlines reportedly showed. “His legacy will never be forgotten,” the 300word Facebook post promises. “I hope all of my friends leave a cucumber out to rot tonight, like a waving flag of peace to show the flies of the world that we are on their side with an unstoppable force of friendship. Also, all of you are college students. What else would you do with a cucumber, cook with it?”

The Great barrier brief Area Student Will Be Grounded If He Doesn’t Clean His Room Right Now

Your Happy Place Destroyed in Hurricane, Insomnia Sweeping America

UC System Announces Indentured Servitude as a Payment Option

Congress decides to take more funds away from the EPA

Area student Hayden Collins has had a messy room for one week too many. If he doesn’t pick up all the dirty clothes and empty chip bags off the floor right now, he will most certainly be grounded for at LEAST two weeks and his internet privileges will be revoked. No, Hayden, it doesn’t matter that you’re 19-years-old and living at college now, cleanliness is always an important trait to foster! How do you expect to get a girlfriend if you’re such a slob? Hayden, who was definitely raised to uphold MUCH higher standards, was found sitting on his bed, while living in squalor, with sheets that look like they have not been washed in weeks! Bed bugs are known to fester in conditions like this and he’ll almost certainly have to deal with them if he doesn’t get his sorry butt into shape right this instant! Hayden better start wiping down his room and if the inside of his fridge is as dirty as the re–HAYDEN! Is that beer in this fridge?? Did your father raise you to be a lawbreaking alcoholic? So help me God you’re in for the asswhooping of a lifetime when you get home!

The imaginations of Americans everywhere have been impacted by Hurricane Destinee, a ravaging natural disaster that destroyed the Happy Place that helped millions fall asleep or recover from periods of personal anguish all over the nation. What was once green fields, a kitchen filled with freshly baked cookies, or whatever other calming memory you cling to in times of stress, there is now a floating pile of rubble. Among the rubble are reportedly 30 varieties of dead woodland creatures, your best friend taking shelter in your favorite hometown donut shop (which was last seen floating on turbulent waters), and one still-functional water slide from Raging Waters. Hurricane Destinee has spelled disaster not only for the inhabitants of the Happy Place, but also the millions of Americans who took comfort in the Place’s existence every night. Local now-insomniac Harry Lorner explained his current state: “Without the image of sheep roaming a sunny field and jumping over fences, I haven’t been able to sleep at night. Instead, when I close my eyes, I see washed up corpses of various farm animals floating on fenceposts. I know it’s weird to be so horrified by that, but I happen to have a debilitating fear of fence-posts.” More imaginary casualties are expected.

Following an annual meeting of the UC Regents, a representative announced that the UC system will expand its payment options in response to increasingly harsh economic conditions. “After carefully analyzing the struggles of current and prospective students trying to pay tuition, the Regents have decided to introduce a post-graduate work program to help students pay off their debt.” The new system will put students to work immediately after completing four years at the university. Students who wish to pay for college using the work program sign a contract at the beginning of each year they’d like to pay and sign up for three years of post-graduate work. Positions currently include custodians, dining hall staff, and “house maid,” although these positions will reportedly expand in the future. Students who participate in the program will also live on-campus, “reducing the cost of travel and making the workforce feel like one big family,” according to a UC spokesperson. The system was met with criticism upon announcement, but nonetheless received hundreds of signups on the first day. “Yeah, I’m fully aware that it’s practically slavery,” one student who wished to remain anonymous said. “But if I don’t do it, I would have to dropout of college. Looking on the bright side, at least now I have a job right out of college.”

Congress has decided to pull back even more funding from the Environmental Protection Agency during its last meeting. Congressman Devin Nunes, a rigid and active climate-denier, has announced his intentions to pull even more funding from the EPA as “climate change and global-warming are institutions that are antiquated, old-fashioned, and archaic,” while also stating that he “would rather fund a park for dinosaurs.” Following the announcements, more and more Congressmembers have jumped on the dinosaur-park bandwagon. As the idea keeps gaining track, celebrities have started chiming in. “This is honestly disheartening, have you all learned nothing from history?” Jeff Goldblum asked. “You can’t expect to place living beings that were naturally selected out to live in peace in these modern times. They will inevitably adapt to rising sea waters and next thing you know, we’ll have a swimming Tyrannosaurus Rex. Life finds a way.” When asked about their thoughts on the topic, celebrities Jay-Z and Beyonce shared their plans for an upcoming relocation to Mars. “We know exactly where this is going,” the couple said. “We’ve seen Jurassic World and we already know we’re not going to be on the soundtrack to this apocalypse.”

PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot

Though Bernie wasn’t actually dead yet, he already made postmortem plans to become the spectre haunting Europe. By Rhys Shriver

Content Editor NN released a poll on Wednesday, September 12, finding that 75 percent of millenials are willing to vote for the corpse of Bernie Sanders in the 2020 presidential election. When asked for clarification, a CNN reporter responded, “That wasn’t originally an option. 75 percent of the respondents put that on the write-in option.” According to a recent statement by Mary Beth Cahill, CEO of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), Cahill personally attempted to contact Bernie Sanders in an attempt to “reach out in genuine ideological kinship to our democratic socialist brothers and sisters, so they may see that the current DNC administration — without any changes — would suit them perfectly fine,” but could not find him after a “very heartfelt email” and reported Sanders to be “missing, but probably, definitely dead.” Cahill assured concerned democratic socialists that Sanders and his political views “are to be sorely missed and will never be relevant again.” In the same statement, Cahill also apologized for her incorrect statement in 2016 concerning the deaths of Donald Trump, Martin O’Malley, and Twitter user @crooked-hillarys-emails. After the debacle of the 2016 elections, the DNC announced plans to get a head-start by figuring out the most popular candidate before the voting takes place and requested that CNN take a poll of millennials, one of the largest growing voter bases, to see who should be ignored in favor of another callous millionaire. “I know that Hillary Clinton technically won the popular vote, but if we’re being honest, that was a lesser-of-two-evils situation, even if it’s like comparing a mosquito to a coral snake,” Cahill explained. “If we want to win the 2020 election, we’re going to need a good candidate that the people want. And then we’re going to besmirch that candidate, make them run third party, and split the vote. I know it hasn’t worked yet, but I’m sure it’ll do well this time.”


In spite of the Democratic Party’s self-destruction, some millennials remain hopeful that the Democrats will finally nominate a socialist candidate, like the corpse of Bernie Sanders. Several such millennials reached out following the poll to give the explanation for their write-ins, giving reasons like “I’m a democratic socialist, but that’s not really a separate option,” “I mean, anything but Trump,” and “Why do you think Weekend at Bernie’s was made?” According to political analysts, the millennial voter base is looking for a strong democratic socialist candidate with actual intentions for social equality and change, as well as someone who has some form of connection with the common people. After OcasioCortez — one of the first democratic socialists to win candidacy — had her recent victory in the House of Representatives, many millenials are reportedly antsy for a vast change in the political landscape. However, Ocasio-Cortez’s victory has also left many older voters with a white-knuckle grip on the political climate, with a recent Washington Post poll finding that over 70 percent of older Democratic voters would rather get their will started than vote for a socialist, despite the rising quantity of socialist voters and qualified socialist candidates. After being asked for a projected candidate for the 2020 election, the DNC and its donors suggested that Hillary Clinton might return to run again, citing her massive success in the 2016 elections and the fact that “she’s a representative for the people. Feminists love women, the rich love the rich, and white people love white people. She ticks all the boxes we need.” At press time, Sanders was allegedly reported as being “very alive” in a statement for the DNC. Cahill responded by re-sending her original request to interview Sanders, with a short addition concerning his “very alive” political ideals and “how similar they actually are to Hillary Clinton’s,” to which the Vermont senator responded, “You’ll have to kill me first.”

Come make sure we’re still alive


Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. |

Page 12

September 26, 2018

On-Campus Apartment Showcase Are you tired of living in your college dorms? Would you like a better illusion of independence and self-sufficiency, but can’t figure out quite where you’d like to go? Instead of moving off-campus and living in good conditions with actual, decent food, let’s take a look at the fabulous housing establishments you can find in UCSD’s various colleges and fall in love with your new home!



Keeling Apartments

Tamarack Apartments

These apartments come with a spike to store all of the 64 burger receipts you will inevitably accrue in your time at this historic UCSD college!

These apartments have handy, quiet fire alarms that won’t disturb your sleep. You may die in flames during an actual fire, but you get to skip those pesky drills!

Apartment Highlight: Fridge

•Store some of your report cards from high school. You probably still don’t want your parents to find them •There’s an Ice. Haha! Gotcha •There’s a severed ear from your artsy roommate’s Van Gogh phase •It has the meats

Apartment Highlight: Triple Bedroom

•To make your rent cheaper, your closet is being rented out as a double •The space comes with what your roommate calls her “therapy boa constrictor” •There’s your roommate’s girlfriend, asleep in your bed. You might have the chance to

test out the couch tonight •To promote environmentalism, your room comes equipped with enough succulents to qualify as a nursery

Potential Roommate: Helen Pinkett Political Science Major

Potential Roommate: Lana Haykins Psychology Major

- “Yes, I am on the Revelle College Judicial Board. No, you will not be smoking weed in this apartment.”

- “If you mention Myers-Briggs then I will punch your goddamn throat out.”


Eleanor Roosevelt

Marshall Lowers

Asia Hall

Every apartment comes with a framed photograph of Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall that is constantly judging you. “Have you contributed to dismantling the patriarchy today?” his eyes ask.

The appliances in this apartment are all set to different languages for that true international ERC experience! Say bonjour to a brand new rice cooker (and hola to a 15-year-old oven)!

Apartment Highlight: Entryway

•In order to enter the apartment, you must hold your key in a fist raised in solidarity •On the chair in the entryway sits your RA, who may have overstayed their welcome, every-

body is too nervous to ask them to leave, so they’re sticking around to hang! •The walls are decorated with the remnants of your potential rommates’ spirited game of paintball •On the floor, you’ll find an alarming amount of Juul cartridges

Potential Roommate: Robert Roberts Linguistics Major - “Hêy høws ït gõíng?”


Apartment Highlight: Kitchen

•You’ll quickly find that your mug is somehow inexplicably burned at the bottom. What an interesting flair!

•Inside the cupboard is some melted plastic that used to be tupperware •Added in for free is a stack of perfectly clean, stolen HDH plates and utensils! •You will also find a a few shirts here. It seems your roommate confused the sink for the washing machine while wildly drunk

Potential Roommate: Susan Radnor Study of Religion Major - “Jesus would have been a communist.”

Sixth Goldberg Hall

Sixth Apartments

Your apartment comes equipped with your very own CS dungeon. This way, you can be stressed and tired no matter your major!

Worried about making your 8 a.m. at Galbraith? Each apartment comes along with your own handy Triton Rides car.

Apartment Highlight: Living Room

•The living room has a base-boosted surround-sound system that your neighbors most certainly won’t mind. Blast those tunes! •You’ll find a clearly-stolen SPIN bike next to the doorway •Your roommate’s Fortnite Coach is a frequent visitor here •The living room comes with a dead person. Wait. Is that what my notes say? That doesn’t seem right

Apartment Highlight: Bathroom

•You might find yourself asking, “Is the floor supposed to be yellow?” We don’t know either, but isn’t it stylish? •There’s a shower being used. Loudly. By two people •There’s only one toothbrush, but ... six people live here! •There is your very own roll of 1-ply toilet paper next to the toilet

Potential Roommate: Lawrence Bonello Structural Engineering Major

Potential Roommate: Alexander Stommer Music Major

- “Actually, these buildings definitely aren’t up to code and are almost certainly going to collapse around us within a year!”

- “Is it okay if I practice for my one man ska band in here?”

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