The MQ Volume 22 Issue 7 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” — Tina Fey

Boldly going where all satire has gone before

June 1, 2016

New Study Finds 12 Percent of Millennials

By Barak Tzori and Hannah Lykins

Managing Editor and Social Editor

Greenhouse destroyed, global warming ended

new study shows uncharted depths of Sio

4 6,7

prison to be modeled after uc campus time travel invented, future as lame as present

9 11

News in Brief PHOTO By barak tzori

In her search, the researcher knew some millennials were behind her but as with most millennialrelated issues, she, like everyone else, decided to look the other way. an effort to attract the attention of their fellow youths. Six percent of millennials were located in neighborhood Starbucks, yelling at patrons about corporate America’s dismantling of the middle class

and attempting to teaching the baristas how to make “proper” sugar-free latte art. Another four percent were spotted buying gluten-free bread at PCC Natural Market, a local organic grocery store. And two percent

were finally found browsing the 19th century American poetry section in paper-free independent bookstores.

See study, page 2

Therapy Fluffies Wait Time Over Four Weeks By Evvan Burke

Copy Editor tudents at UCSD who depend on university resources like therapy dogs for their stress relief are no strangers to long lines and disappointing sessions, but many students have been forced to take a long walk as wait times for first time petters have reached nearly a month. Lines of students interested in getting a chance to interact with the dogs have circled Price Center, with tents and barbeques set up to sustain students until they are able to receive mental health assistance. The long wait times have been attributed to financial and bureaucratic reasons, as the therapy dog program, known as “Therapy Fluffies,” struggles to deal with a growing student population, and an understaffed kennel — the ratio of students to fully trained therapy dogs, or “puppies,” is now well over 1550:1. This explanation, however, is little comfort for the students who have been waiting in line for, in dog years, seven months. Jordan Maclean, who has been camping near Croutons since the last Therapy Fluffies event, gave a statement about their reason for waiting in line. “Last night at Geisel, I saw hundreds of other stressedout, sleep-deprived students, who have no intention of going home tonight, desperately trying to push the thought of failure out of their minds, and eating vending machine Advil like it was Skittles. So I left Geisel and came here. At least now I can have a tent. And there might be a dog at the end.” However, long wait times

In This issue

safe and sober sun god

op sociology researchers at Cornish College for the Arts in Seattle released a study earlier in the week finding approximately 12 percent of millennials in the greater Seattle area. Hailed as a breakthrough in the field, the study seeks to shed light on the historically elusive population, and aims to find another five percent by the end of next year. “We here at Cornish are interested to see where millennials congregate, what they do with their free time, and why they haven’t used their literature degrees to buy a house yet,” said Michael Egeck, lead researcher of the study and Professor of Sociology with a focus on Evolutionary Specialization in App Curation at Cornish College. Graduate research assistants tasked to find the millennials purchased Doc Martens and Wayfarers in order to blend in. They then scoured the streets of the greater Seattle area, shouting “Marco” inside populated businesses in

Volume XXII Issue VII

UCSD Graduate Eager to Feel Overqualified In Retail After four years, graduate Taylor Urke is excited to follow the logical conclusion of their decisions and enter the job market as an hourly retail worker. “It feels like yesterday that I was trolleying my suitcases into my dorm and finding the only available bunk in my triple to be the corner bottom one with a radiator under the pillow. And here I am four years later, still settling.” “I mean, it was exciting to learn about my field, but after complaining about people in my classes for years, it only recently occurred to me that these would be my

future coworkers.” Despite having sown the seeds of their own destruction, Urke has dedicated themselves to maintaining an optimistic facade by repeating the phrase “I strongly believe I could make a career here” in the mirror and calculating how much one makes monthly on minimum wage. “It’ll be fine,” Urke said, pacing in front of the Career Services Center. “Meanwhile, I think I’ll fill out some grad school applications, so I can continue pretending this is just a stepping stone.”

NFL Players to Undergo Pre-Draft Jiggle Test

PHOTO By Lawrence Lee

The troubled student wasn’t sure why arranging stuffed dogs in a circle around her was supposed to help, but she was willing to try anything at this point. are not the only complaint students voiced about the program. The UC Student Association recently gave the Therapy Fluffies a C+ grade, calling it “Cuddly but Crummy.” Furthermore, those who have managed to meet with a therapy dog, like third year student Brianna McDade, have mentioned feeling abandoned after they reached their maximum number of sessions and were referred to other dogs in Hillcrest and La Jolla Village Square. “I just started developing a relationship with a dog I really like. He looks at me when I call him and his fur is so soft and I started calling him Rufus because he makes a little ‘ruff’ noise and I don’t want to have to start all over again with some new dog,” Brianna explained,

tightly clinging to a labrador while hurriedly rushing through the UCSD bookstore. The blame for these deficiencies cannot squarely be placed upon the overburdened Fluffies department, however. With no funding to adopt and train new service dogs, the current staff are often overworked and stressed, which affects their performance and hair volume, in serious ways. A representative from UCSD addressed student concerns about the program on Thursday, speaking directly to students by issuing a press release on their private Facebook page: “We understand and sympathize with your concerns about the Therapy Fluffies program, and are working hard to consider the prospect

of examining the possibilities of adopting a new dog over the coming years to solve these issues. In the meanwhile, we encourage students unable to meet with a therapy dog to try alternative stress relieving methods, like petting each other, or petting yourself, or petting a plant!” The press release concluded that, “on the bright side, all these tents have given us some great ideas for housing solutions.” At press time, the staff of CAPS had been seen joining students in line. Kenneth Martin, a full-time counselor, told reporters that they were “just really nervous about being overwhelmed with work in the upcoming finals week,” as they drew smiley faces on Post-It notes as a means of affirmation.

Man, if this house burns down...

Local man is grower, not shower

We’re toast.

Wants to know “What’s happening, gourdgeous?”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has proposed new protocols for drafting players. According to new regulations, NFL prospects will be tested on their skin’s ability to “jiggle like Jell-O on the San Andreas Fault.” Goodell stated he got inspiration for the rule from cheerleaders’ auditions. “Like cheerleaders, the main appeal of watching football players comes from their attractiveness. That’s why when our running backs are making their way down the field, we want to see every glistening pore moving in waves. When our defensive ends sack the quarterback, I want to see the collision all

the way to their toes.” NFL COO Tod Leiweke expressed support for the new regulations, commenting that “there really are no other problems we should address right now. The NFL has zero glaring, fundamental issues to solve. Honestly, it’s been a slow year for us. Frankly, I’m bored.” If audiences approve of the new regulations, the Commission will adopt more cheerleader-inspired policies. Goodell stated, “Studies of cheerleaders’ behaviors revealed that getting paid less than minimum wage is a great motivator. Hopefully, we can implement that strategy with real athletes too.”

Local Band Pretty Sure Minute 11 of The Solo Is When It Gets Really Good Local band Flandering Ferret took the stage at Panderer’s Pub in Midtown at 7:30 p.m. on Wednesday, performing their instrumental single “Cherry Pickers.” The San Diego-based three-piece grunge rock group played a 30-minute set as openers for local band Spittakers. They began with five minutes of melodic tuning and improvised warmup solos and proceeded to launch into the beginning of “Cherry Pickers,” their 25-minute magnum opus. Following the song intro, they transitioned into an entirely instrumental verses and interspersed choruses, which the band called a

“contemporary twist on the verse-chorus structure that plagues modern music.” Eight minutes into his solo, the guitarist noticed the audience losing interest, unable to grasp the masterpiece’s overwhelming musicality. He stopped shredding to reassure their audience that “we’re about to hit the best part solo — just wait.” After his solo, the band ended their performance with the culmination of a bass solo, and then a second guitar solo, and then a third guitar solo immediately after the second one.

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

June 1, 2016

Arizona Teen Announces Readiness to Go “Full Emo” If Stepfather’s Sanctions Continue

continued from page 1:

Study

Egeck offered his views on the groundbreaking findings. “For the first time in history we have real, significant data on where millennials are. This opens the door to many more venues of ungrateful, youth-based research. Finally we can ask questions such as ‘What’s behind millennials?’, ‘What are the mating habits of millennials?,’ and ‘What the hell is an AnarchoHuffPoGMO think-piece?’” “Like, not all of us can be pinned down and described by some oldie’s ideas of a generation,” said Laurie Shahon, a college sophomore not found by the study, while live DM’ing her interview. “Sure, I visit my friends’ Braille photo gallery from time to time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t also like to do more baby boomer-typical things, like watch hockey games in the shadow of my parents’ disappointment.” Marco Clinch, the first millennial found at Gas Works Park, gave his opinion on the study. “You know, I didn’t ask to be found. Just like I didn’t ask for those goddamn participation trophies back in elementary school. You really have to stop holding that over me, Dad. I just wanted to write

my novel on starting a vegan soap/edible business in peace. Now, after brainstorming countless adjectives that could be used to describe both soap and edibles, my Macbook’s dying and I haven’t found a Wifi signal strong enough to save my Google Doc.” When asked why a larger portion of millennials were not found by the study, Egeck opined about their predisposition towards having a poor sense of morals and respect. “We sat down with over 300 different grandmothers on Friday evening for a nice home cooked meal and guess what? Generation Y for Yuckies didn’t even show up to check how their bubbes were holding up.” Research efforts are continuing in this field. Egeck and his team are currently vying for a two million dollar research grant, and other academic camps like his are popping up all over the country. “Millennials are the future of the nation, but we won’t be able to properly tame and temper them until we get our hands on all of them. Only then can we get into phase two, and open up the factories- er, I mean, gain a realistic understanding of how a generation acts as a cohesive unit.”

PHOTO By jen windsor

Coming up next on CNN: WOLF BLITZER TAKES ON THE CASE OF TRASHY TEEN WHO JUST WANTS TO GET EVERYTHING STRAIGHTENED OUT, AND THE DAD WHO DOESN’T WANT TO THROW IT ALL AWAY. By Cole Steffensen

Business Editor

iting “bullshit rules,” and a household being run “like a freaking dictatorship,” 14-year-old Brandon Plank from Scottsdale, Arizona announced that he would consider taking “drastic measures” in response to his stepfather’s recent curfew policy, which he believes violates past treaties. Among the measures threatened, Plank proposed smoking cigarettes behind his middle school, and going “full emo.” International outrage following the announcement began immediately, with several nations condemning Plank’s reckless threats of attire-based retaliation. “I refuse to sit silent in the face of injustice,” said Plank in a speech to the UN Security Council. In the speech, Plank outlined the possible worst-

case scenarios if his demands were not met, which included dyeing his hair “all black, but with a rainbow stripe on one part,” receiving a lip piercing, and stockpiling black eyeliner reserves. “Dads everywhere should allow their sons to stay out until past 12:00 on a Sunday night, especially if said night is the 5 Seconds of Summer concert, which they knew Jasmine was going to.” Plank also cited the urgency of Mountain Valley Middle School’s End of the Year Dance as another source of frustration in recent dealings. Tensions reached a peak after dinner as George Jimenez, Plank’s stepfather, asked his son to take the family’s plastic rotisserie chicken container out to the trash. According to Jimenez, Plank “looked down at the damn

floor and ran off to go play his damn video chats or whatever the hell he does on that damn computer.” Relations between Plank and Jimenez have been progressively decaying in the last year, starting after the family’s move from Tucson to Scottsdale. After accepting his new job as manager of the newly opened Scottsdale TGI Fridays, Jimenez noted a marked shift in Plank’s “tone” and “attitude.” Around this time, Plank began illegally experimenting with his older sister’s hair straightener. Jimenez, who released a statement the following morning, accused Plank of breaking treaties made to “give it [his] best shot” and “try [their] best to make things work.” Despite his announcement that Plank could talk to him any time, Jimenez accused Plank of

being inaccessible and reluctant to open channels of communication. Though the Federal Reserve appears unsure of the economy’s future in the face of threatened allowance cutbacks, some sources remain hopeful. Included was Heather Jimenez, mother of Plank, who commented that the family’s upcoming trip to Flagstaff could aid in reducing tensions. “I’m certain this conflict will end in a peaceful agreement. I have faith in a diplomatic solution, so long as both sides listen to each other. Going forward, I wish to remind both parties that everyone is going through a lot of changes right now, and we need to stick together as a family. Also, Brandon, there’s no way you’re wearing that hat with the ears to your sister’s wedding reception.”

Rolling a “1” in Perception since 1988.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief........................Andrew Deneris Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor............................Barak Tzori Content Editor...................Hannah Rosenblatt Assistant Content Editor........Cole Greenbaun Assistant Content Editor....................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.................Matt Olson Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Assistant Design Editor.........Lauren Kirkbride Assistant Design Editor..........Ingrid Sorensen Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee Graphics Editor............................Jen Windsor

Assistant Graphics Editor..........Connor Gorry Copy Editor.................................Evvan Burke Assistant Copy Editor...................Jaz Twersky Publicity & Social Editor.........Katherine Wood Assistant Publicity Editor..........Summer Davis Assistant Social Editor.............Hannah Lykins Distribution Co-Captain........Chelsea Andretta Distribution Co-Captain.............Daniel Clinton Business Editor......................Cole Steffensen MQ Mom.....................................Riley Mallory MQ Fun Uncle.............................Trev Malone Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

You’re right. We can see better now.

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2016 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. This is, in fact, my last production. No way around it. And the thing I’ve thought about the most this production (when I wasn’t annoying the hell out of the content room) — the thing I know I’m going to miss the most, is all the wonderful people I’ve met since I wandered into my first MQ meeting in the Fall of 2012. Some of them have been with me since the beginning of this wonderful journey. Some were my mentors and role models before leaving what felt like much too soon. And some I’ve only had the privilege of knowing for a year or two so far. But regardless of when I met them or how long I’ve known them, they are without a doubt the finest group of people I’ve ever known. They took me in as one of their own without hesitation. They have amazed me with their humor and enlightened me with their intelligence. They have respected my opinions while never hesitating to engage me with their own. And most importantly, they have accepted me for who I am, and given me more kindness and love than I could have ever asked for. Saying goodbye to the wonderful people of The MQ will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I know that the love we’ve shared over the four years will last many more. So I hope I’ll be seeing plenty of you all in the months and years to come. I promise I’ll limit myself to one Utah joke per outing. Okay, maybe two or three.

Sarah Cain Ankush Challa Judy Chen Kenny Cheng Matt Cusolito Chris Doherty Brandon Ehlert Dylan Everingham Bruce Fan Amin Fozi Abraham Galvan Leo Grabowski

Joia Herbert Dylan Higelmire Philip Hodgson Arya Kaul Chris Lee Nadia Link Ben Levin Frankie Lyons Parker Mace Ryan Maher Uma Mahto Nick Martin

PJ Marrymee Natalie McLain Matthew McMahon Sarah Morton Alex Noftsier V. Tarini Naidu Andre Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Kavita Poduri Rohan Rangray Kendra Quinlan Sarah Schlossberg

Anthony Showalter Nicoletta Skaggs Ann Tong Luke Tribble Irene Tsao Howard Wang Kaylee Wang Sarah Wernher Michael Ye

Booster Club A hefty thanks to Cole G., Hannah L, and Elizabeth for supplying us with cookies. Thanks to Matt’s mom for birthing him and then for bringing banana bread. Thanks to Jen for bringing back Red Vines, God knows why. Kat and Cole brought mixes, trail AND chex. We can always count on Andrew for plain white bread, and count on him we did. Thank you finally to various people for their generous dining dollar donations.

theMQ.org

June 1, 2016

Page 3

Turkish Comic Jailed for Calling President Erdogan’s Hairline “The Real Migration Crisis”

a day a camp surr t ender

Listen up , dung mu at Camp nchers, rule — yo Surrender we have here u you get s fight or you die one bus back ent home on the n or… ext for the w to town, so get r o ist camp rst and best surv eady of your l ivalthe itine ives! Here is rary.

By Barak Tzori

Managing Editor he comedy club at the Tekirdag prison in Turkey welcomed a new member earlier in the month when local comedian Ersin Ozince was sentenced to twenty mega-years in Turkey’s premier mega-prison after calling President Erdogan’s hairline “the real migration crisis”. Video of Ozince’s stand up has largely been removed from the internet at the President’s behest, although copies of it continue to pop up across the web. In it, Ozince is seen telling jokes at Erdogan’s expense, his smile growing with each joke. “I mean really have you seen the man’s head? First he loses Turkey’s Security Council seat at the UN, then he yells at United States VP Joe Biden, and still his eyebrows are isolating themselves from his hairline faster than he’s isolating our country from the rest of the world. All I’m saying is our economy isn’t the only thing here in recession.” The President’s head of media relations Fusun Tumsavas put out a statement denouncing the jokes told. “Mr. Ozince has never seen the President’s real, luscious mane. It is a well-known fact that the President dons a balding wig in order to seem more personable in front of the ugly masses.” Ozince’s arrest has sparked protest all over Turkey, uniting voices from all cultures in dissent of Erdogan. Two professors from Bilkent University in Ankara have reached across academic departments to come together on this matter. Professor of Human Biology Huseyin Yalcın and Professor of International Relations

7:00 a.m.

Wake up to the sounds of bones being crushed as they go through the food processor

8:00 a.m.

Learn how to tie up your arm and cut it off with a spoon in case you get “127 Hours”’d

9:00 a.m.

Reception of letters from parents

9:12 a.m.

Info session on rugged individualism and letter-burning session

10:00 a.m.

PHOTO By hannah rosenblatt

President Erdogan was heard chanting “Sticks and stones, sticks and stones, I’ll have them caned and stoned.” Kemal Meral spoke of their new paper, “Thinning of the Herd: The Hairy Migration Situation.” “Ozince is not wrong, in the strictest sense,” began Professor Yalcın. “If you not only take Erdogan as head of state, but take the state as the head of Erdogan, then it becomes easy to divide up his scalp as countries on a map. Place Syria at the left ear, Greece at the right, and his nose raised up in his usual smugness at Egypt.” Professor Meral continued. “From 2012 to 2014 we saw massive amounts of movement from ear to ear, people using Turkey as a midpoint from the war torn lands of Syria to Greece. However since our President started wearing his skin-yarmulke,

legal migration between the nations has decreased dramatically. “The international community must come together to bridge this gap between countries and get people moving again. Our recommendation to the UN can be seen in figure three,” the Professor finished, referencing the paper’s full size photo of a Rogaine canister. The seminal paper has made its way from university to university. “This is not just about the comedian Ozince anymore, although he has figuratively noogied all of academia onto this new path of learning,” stated a professor of psychology at Koc University. “I put forward that we do not look at the President’s ever-shinier head as a meta-

phor for a map of the Mediterranean, but rather as a model for the temperament of all Turks in the country. As Erdogan removes rights and privileges from his people, he makes a wider and wider divide between the ruling and working class. And when all of the hair is gone from the middle of the head, only two options remain — shave it all, symbolizing a revolution and equal start to Turkey, or cling to a fickle ring of hair, continuing to disseminate hate and losing all suavity with any women at bars.” No new statements have been released from the office of the President. However, a source near Erdogan has leaked details of the President Googling the phrase “move mustache hair to head.”

Scientists Finally Demolish the Greenhouse that Has Been Causing Global Warming By Cole Greenbaun

11:00 a.m.

Raiding the rival camp across the lake for oil/preventing the spread of their ideology

12:00 p.m.

How to look for bears

12:30 p.m.

How to run away from bears

1:00 p.m.

Counseling for bear-related incidents

2:00 p.m.

Head-shaving

3:00 p.m.

Construction of “shame coat” made of human hair

4:00 p.m.

Race to the top of the mountain. Whoever finishes last has to wear the shame coat

5:00 p.m.

Fun

5:05 p.m.

Blood Hike

Assistant Content Editor

n a sudden reversal, environmental scientists have declared that global warming will in fact stop by the year 2022, thanks to the efforts of the environmental research team at Columbia University. After 10 years of research, the scientists finally were able to locate and tear down the greenhouse that has been the cause of all accused manmade climate change. “We have been on the trail of this mysterious greenhouse since Al Gore released ‘An Inconvenient Truth,’” stated head researcher Alicia Fulson, “Using advanced gas-emission triangulation techniques and Google Maps Street View, we were able to find the greenhouse that has been releasing copious amounts of CO2 into our atmosphere since the year 1882 in a field north of Dorotea, Sweden.” According to Fulson, Sweden has been covering up the existence of the greenhouse with their impeccable environmental record, confusing the world for decades. But to make sure their research was not for naught, the scientists flew straight to Sweden and traveled to the greenhouse with a set of sledgehammers as soon as they released the report on their findings. According to them, after 20 hours of laborious demolition, they managed to destroy every last part of the greenhouse and burned the wreckage, thus, according to their statement, “saving the goddamn world.” “See, while statistics and research pointed towards the human production of CO2 and other gases causing glob-

Make your own pancake brunch! Experimental Siberian torture methods

6:00 p.m.

Encouraging pep talk — learn how much of a maggot you are

7:00 p.m. Hunt for deer

7:04 p.m.

Back out at the last moment

7:20 p.m.

Attempt at deer organ reassembly

8:00 p.m.

Impromptu deer funeral

9:00 p.m. PHOTO By kenny cheng

“Honestly, I don’t even want to be here and I’m allergic to semi trucks, but we’ve got a lot of pollution to catch up on,” said one celebrator, coughing as he released an entire bottle of hairspray into the air. al warming, all of that turned out to be false, just complete baloney. It was actually this small Swedish greenhouse that was synthesizing 35.6 Gigatonnes of CO2 per year and pumping it straight into the sky,” said researcher Ed Appson. “As crazy as it sounds, it’s no crazier than the idea that all of this gas was man-made; that’s just ridiculous.” This revelation has changed popular outlook and political discourse in many countries; in the United States, the Republican party has been celebrating “being right all along for once.” “While maybe we didn’t get all the details right, we are happy that we were at least right that this climate stuff was not man-made,” stated Senator Ted Cruz. “Now we have scientific proof that it isn’t our

fault and we can finally shut down all these climate initiatives put in place by President Obama that have been ruining our country. God, it feels good to have a win.” While the findings are cause for celebration, there has been some dissent over the issue of whether or not the Columbia team’s research is founded from multiple scientists, many calling the research “dubious” and “nonsensical.” The largest complaint has been that the published report was only just one page with a map to Sweden drawn in crayon, with the words “We found it!” written everywhere. “Look, we stand by our findings,” said Fulson. “We spent countless hours and millions of dollars, funded by our generous backer BP Glob-

al, trying to find this greenhouse. And goddamnit, we did it. The facts were there, we just had to look for them. Why can’t people just see the cold hard truth staring them in the face and understand that global warming is a threat to our world and we successfully stopped it?” The team of scientists has reportedly wasted no time celebrating and is already on to researching how to stop another world threatening event: the eventual tanking of the economy. “Well first we have to figure out where this tank is located and who owns it, and then we have to figure out how to destroy it. Tanks are pretty tough,” said Appson. “But this will probably only take us seven years at most — we know what we’re doing.”

Assessment of potential candidates for “The Program”

10:00 p.m.

The counselors set fire to the edge of the woods to bring everyone closer together

10:52:14 p.m. - 10:52:29 p.m. The longest moment in your life as everyone stares at you as you look at the rope swing over the lake, until you back down and everyone calls you names

11:00 p.m.

Lights off, in the cabin and in your heart. Try to sleep

12:00 a.m.

Abduction of potential candidates for “The Program” Constantly salad-dressing you with our eyes.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 4

theMQ.org

June 1, 2016

Ecological Survey Sheds Light on Uncharted Depths of SIO

EDITORIAL

What’s With All This Hullabaloo About Hamilton?

By Jhomas Tefferson

Historian s a historian, I am naturally inclined to be excited when anything historical becomes a subject of interest outside of my field. However, I am truly baffled as to the latest wave of “trendy history.” I am sure many of you, historians or not, have noticed that the American youth have recently become enamored with Alexander Hamilton. As to why the youngsters have gained this recent fascination with the first Secretary of the Treasury of the United States, I cannot say for sure. Perhaps the ongoing arguments as to whether the U.S. should step up its involvement in the counter-offensive against ISIS have brought attention to Hamilton’s efforts to convince the Adams administration to escalate the Quasi-War against Napoleonic France? Or maybe the recent publishing of the Panama Papers have evoked memories of another set of important papers, the Federalist Papers? One thing in particular that bewilders me is the anomalous pattern along which this phenomenon has spread. My observations have indicated that it all started in New York — naturally, since Hamilton was a quintessential New Yorker — but then proceeded to consume every major city of the country in a series of single fell swoops. This “Hamilton fever” has spread faster than cholera in the time of Ada

PHOTO By lawrence lee

After aggravating his professor and being sprayed with ink, an undergrad student ran over to the eye wash station, not because he got any ink in his eyes, but because it was just a really unpleasant thing to witness. By Phillip Hodgson

Staff Writer cripps Institute of Oceanography is one of the oldest and most important parts of UCSD. Yet despite the close relationship UCSD shares with Scripps, there is still much unknown about it; over 95 percenty of the Scripps campus remains unexplored and unseen by undergraduate eyes. Most of what undergraduates know about Scripps comes from the rare event of an SIO professor turning up on the shore of Center Hall or caught in UCSD fishing nets. Unfortunately, most of these specimens do not survive the pressure change of the trip to main campus and arrive structurally damaged or unable to give a compelling lecture. But in recent years, undergraduate research expeditions have uncovered a new window into Scripps’ uncharted depths. The first of these expeditions was led by

Tanya Cousteau, who unwittingly led a group of her peers to board an ‘S’ shuttle instead of the clockwise campus loop. To the surprise of the accidental explorers, they discovered what appeared to be a vibrant educational ecosystem with labs, a coffee stand, and ADA compliant elevators. Other early expeditions to Scripps were organized by teams of intrepid juniors following rumors of untaken ‘S’ parking spots. Though these rumors were unsubstantiated, they resulted in further evidence of SIO’s rich ecological community. Fed by research grants, it formed a habitat for hundreds of researchers. These wondrous and diverse species of faculty were found to have strange and fascinating adaptations to their niche. Some professors have demonstrated perfect camouflage, mimicking a rock or an eyewash station when circling Environmental Health and Safety officials dropped

in for a surprise inspection. Others have developed complex symbiotic relations with their graduate students, who have been observed attaching to a research professor, leeching off their research and cowriting papers with them. In return, the grad students would grade their professors’ assignments and remove ectoparasites and loose flakes from the professors’ skin. However, not all relationships in oceanographic research were found to be friendly. Professors have been known to attack grad students viciously during thesis-defense season in spring when they are particularly vulnerable. In response, graduate students have been observed vomiting up their entire digestive system as a thesis-defense mechanism. Unfortunately, the more learned about Scripps, the more it becomes apparent that it needs saving. SIO is at threat; the research grants that form the entire basis of

the Scripps’ food chain are dwindling fast. The competition for the remaining resources has created an increasingly acidic atmosphere at Scripps that is taking its toll on professors. This may be exacerbated by rising temperatures, which could cause faculty to “totally lose their chill,” according to conservation expert Zoe Nares. “Visitors to Scripps wonder, ‘Where is everybody?’ Often the only signs of life are found near the refuge of the coffee cart. In a decade, that too may disappear.” Nares further cautioned that “the fate of our campus is inextricably linked with the fate of Scripps. Many UCSD students take Scripps for granted, but it is actually in a very fragile balance. There’s a domino effect — no research funding, no professors. No professors, no grad students. No grad students, no coffee cart. And when the coffee carts are gone? It’ll be a dead zone.”

Population Embarks on Operant Conditioning of Government By Jaz Twersky

Assistant Copy Editor n a new Gallup poll, a majority of Americans have admitted to being part of a large grassroots effort to try to train the government to make better decisions. The key step, multiple citizens stressed, is to act overly excited and amazed whenever the government makes a minor sensible decision, in the hopes that it will eventually progress to major sensible decisions. “If they do this behavior over and over again, maybe eventually it will become second nature to them,” said concerned citizen Ellen Thorndike. “I know it sounds impossible for them to be reasonable, but maybe science can succeed where religion, democratic principles, and common decency have all failed.” Some citizens had been more in favor of the negative side of operant conditioning; they wanted to press unpleasant consequences on the government whenever it failed to make sensible decisions, in the hopes that a negative association would form. Unfortunately, negative consequences were much more difficult to implement effectively; it turns out that it is impossible for the people to impose sanctions on their own government. Beatrice Skins, professional dog-trainer and a parttime leader in the movement, explained that praising every

PHOTO By kenny cheng

Although Obama received several stars, he didn’t get as many as he could have, because he failed to help Biden with his science project to cure cancer. tiny good thing the government does is a crucial step in the process. “We should be celebrating every time that government behaves in a functional manner,” she asserts. “We have to make them understand that they’re really appreciated, with special treats for effort. You can think of it as a metaphorical belly rub, though in this case the ‘belly’ is the egos of politicians.” She does admit it will be an arduous undertaking, and one which will take some time.

“I heard that the government was offered free tickets to the hit new musical ‘Hamilton’ if they would make a good decision about Puerto Rico, but I don’t think they’ve reached that level yet. Plus, it’s a little blatant — the government shouldn’t KNOW we’re training them. They’re supposed to think they have actual self-determination and free will, and are only listening to us because they want to. Wait, are you writing this down?” However, there’s an obvious looming question — what if the government hasn’t done

anything lately that citizens deem worth celebrating? Some opponents, such Riverside High PTA President Ella Goldmann, offer this critique. “The government hasn’t done anything worth celebrating in MY living memory. It’s not like I’M running the country. THEN things might be worth celebrating.” Skins scoffs at such criticism. “They’re not thinking broadly enough. There’s always a silver lining. The government’s still here, isn’t it? It hasn’t shut down? Hey, that’s better than last year!”

Lovelace, and none of my historical models can determine the cause. Perhaps most strange is the fact that people have been gathering by the thousands in major cities to celebrate Hamilton’s legacy. It defies all historical and sociological precedence. But every time I try to collect first-hand evidence to update my projections, a sharply-dressed official stops me and tells me, “You need a ticket to see this, sir.” Now, as a historian, it is my job to be skeptical. And what I am most skeptical of right now is why the public has chosen to vindicate Hamilton, of all people. If you will pardon my bias, I am not personally very fond of Alexander Hamilton. All of my sources point to him being an insufferable aristocrat who would have crowned himself King of the United States if he wasn’t too busy being a pompous lickspittle to George Washington. I cannot see why the public chooses to champion an intransigent elitist like him, when they could be praising a handsome, dashing man of the people like Thomas Jefferson. But I digress. When you are a historian like me, you take whatever is given to you. If this will pave the way for future enthusiasm about historical figures, then by all means allow Hamilton to have his day in the limelight. I will bide my time until the day when the truly noteworthy Founding Fathers, like George Clinton or Albert Gallatin, receive their due, and Federalists like Hamilton and John Adams assume their rightful place in the dustbin of history. Also, I keep hearing these youngsters singing about how Hamilton “isn’t throwing away his shot.” Is that supposed to be in reference to the BurrHamilton Duel? Either way, at least more people will know that Hamilton shot first.

TOP Ten

Ways to Show Up at a Wedding Unannounced 10. In 2003, with a search warrant for WMDs 9. With a ring to propose to your girlfriend who’s the maid of honor 8. While admitting that no, you weren’t killed, it was your twin, and you’re pregnant with Brenda’s baby 7. With your own basket of flower petals to show that idiot flower girl how it’s done 6. First by diving from a plane into the ocean next to the venue, then scuba diving to the shore, taking off the scuba suit and revealing a tux underneath 5. Tarred and feathered with the other doves being let out of the box 4. Bursting through the bride’s chest 3. When the priest asks, “Does anyone have any objections?” say “I do,” and walk up the aisle with your wedding dress 2. Reveal to all your friend’s family and the actors present that you’ve impersonated both the bride and groom as long as they’ve known each other 1. Don’t tell anyone you’re going “2, 4, 6, 8, who do you appreciate?” “WHOM! WHOM, YOU MONSTER!”

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

June 1, 2016

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Recess Canceled After Polarizing Mud-Slinging Fight

Out-of-State Student’s Fish Dies Just in Time for Summer Break

PHOTO By barak tzori

“The thing is, now I have to buy like six more fish, otherwise all this Drano is going to go to waste,” claimed another out-of-state student. By Kenny Cheng

PHOTO By katherine wood

When Bert admitted to having eaten sand, Hailey tried to get ahead of the story by saying she had eaten the most sand, as they fought over who deserved the donkey more. By Hannah Rosenblatt

Content Editor

ernon Elementary School recess was halted abruptly this Tuesday, and is suspended until further notice, after a series of impassioned outbursts and an extensive mud fight between competing popular student groups resulted in two scraped knees, five and a half dead ants, and a swing covered in lime Jello. Previously, although divided into two main parties, the students of Vernon Elementary generally did not have especially large disciplinary problems. However, over the past year, there has been increased drama inside the self-imposed student groups that eventually escalated from name-calling to melodramatic fights in the mud. The outbursts in one group began when friends of fifth grade student Bert Saunders got in a fight with friends of third grade student Hailey Clifford over who was a better racer. Spectator Har-

old Thomas claimed the two groups started exchanging names such as “blonde-bi… mbo” and “four-eyed-old-erguy.” Kids soon began “choosing sides” between Bert and Hailey whenever they played recess games, even though they originally played together frequently. Georgia Ezekial explained: “I mean, at first, Hailey seemed pretty cool, she always had enough extra lunch money to buy us all puddings, but then Bert showed me that he had his own Twitter, and that seemed like something pretty special. I don’t understand why more people don’t pay attention to it. I would definitely risk getting a bloody nose if I were fighting for a guy with his own Twitter.” Wallace Nguyen, another student involved in the mud fight refused to admit he was at fault after trying to rub mud in Ezekial’s eyes. “They kept saying Hailey had worse cooties than Bert, and then started throwing mud at her, and that

didn’t seem very fair,” Nguyen explained, “then they started asking her all these personal questions, so we started throwing mud back at them. I don’t understand why Bert doesn’t get bugged about this stuff. I saw him crying after someone stuck some mud down his shirt, and no one’s talking about that.” Nguyen finished, “All they seem to care about is how Georgia’s jello got knocked out of her hand by a stray mudball, and Hailey lost her shoe in a mud pit by the swings.” After investigating further accounts of the incident, Vernon administration concluded that the fighting seemed relatively contained to a certain part of the playground. Ezekial explained why they didn’t choose to fight closer to the slides. “I mean none of us really go over there cause we don’t like Donny and his friends and that’s where they hang out. Or, they used to, I haven’t seen any of them in a while, so I think it’s just Donny, but

he’s the worst for sure. This quiet kid named Job used to stay over there, but he just disappeared. And then there were Benny and Ricky and Carol, but they all took up other hobbies. And then Teddy and Johnny moved, so now it’s pretty much just Donny at the top of the slide by himself. I don’t know why he stays there, nobody likes him.” Nguyen seemed to agree with this point, claiming, “Yeah, I try to just avoid Donny altogether. He makes a lot of people feel bad, but he’s not in our group. You know who used to be in our group? Bert. He has weird hair.” Administrators have decided to suspend recess for at least another week, and possibly longer after the fight. According to Principal Ginsburn, “recess is a great privilege that comes with great responsibility, and based on the actions of these kids, we’re not sure they have the maturity or decision-making abilities necessary to behave appropriately.”

Ways You Can Rephrase your College Experience for Your Resume

For some reason, that only God and George Washington know, voting is kind of hard! And according to Schoolhouse Rock, it’s actually pretty important. So to help you get your voting fix and avoid the shakes, we put together this helpful flowchart to teach you how to vote.

How are you voting?

To vote by mail, you’re going to need to do it yourself and buy only the most organic, free-range patriotism. If you don't have that, store-bought is fine.

Now print the application and fill it out, picking the cutest candidate, and put it in an envelope with an address and a stamp. Then scan the envelope into your computer and email the image to usa.gov.

w? ld I kno u o h s How hurry. I’m in a

tion al Loca Physic To find your polling place just follow the masses of active voters all going to vote. To pick which line to get in, just know that one line is for if your dad yells at Sean Hannity and the other line is for if your dad yells at Rachel Maddow.

Can you read this? Yes.

Make sure to “Rock the vote.” Drive past the polling place, and throw a rock at a volunteer with your choice written on a paper wrapped around the rock. It’s basically the same.

Sure.

You should vote on paper.

You should vote with a computer.

When you encounter the essay portion of the ballot, remember to use five paragraphs: intro, conclusion, and three body paragraphs.

Remember to answer the new computer system’s riddle within 30 seconds, or the computer votes for you. Hint: Frog Legs.

You did it! You successfully voted, probably. There’s really no way of telling in the end.

ocal betta fish, Jason Sparklefin, was found dead late Monday night at the age of eight months, due to reported malnutrition. His death was confirmed Tuesday morning by his owner, first year student Maria Larson, who found Jason’s lifeless fish corpse floating listlessly along the bottom of his four dollar clearance aisle fishbowl. Larson provided a statement the following morning regarding the somber incident: “I am just so devastated by Jason’s death. He wasn’t just a fish to me. He was my closest companion — the Pisces to my Capricorn,” said Larson. Larson and Sparklefin were often seen together studying for the three classes they shared, napping in the Muir quad, and attending their biweekly parasailing sessions. “I guess it’s kind of good timing though,” said Larson. “At least now I won’t have to figure out what to do with him when I go back home.” Larson, a native of Topeka, Kansas, has stated that she had no plans on what to do with her beloved betta at the end of the school year. “My friends are always saying that I lack foresight when it comes to these things,” admitted Larson, “but in my defense — wait, I already forgot how I was going to end this sentence.” Impulse purchases

are no foreign concept to Larson; sources say that during the summer before beginning her first quarter of college, Larson attempted to purchase and care for a pet mountain lion, citing its “cute little whiskers” as a primary motivator for her actions. While Muir College RSOs have no reason to suspect foul play, other students remain skeptical of the convenient timing of Sparklefin’s passing, just before Larson’s residence hall move-out date. Jenny Shapiro, one of Larson’s colleagues and recurrent fish-sitter, weighed in with her thoughts about the fish fatality. “I don’t think Maria ever had any intentions of keeping him after the school year. She didn’t even tell her parents about him,” claimed Shapiro. “She was just using him for the benefits — such a Capricorn.” Despite the inherent fishiness of the situation, the death of Jason Sparklefin has made waves all across campus. Outof-state students especially are coming together in solidarity to mourn the late Sparklefin, a fish taken from this world too soon, but also at precisely the right time. For those wishing to pay their respects to the late marine specimen, Jason Sparklefin’s funeral service will be taking place Wednesday night at 7 p.m., just after Larson’s psychology midterm, in the second floor bathroom of Tioga Hall.

TOP Ten

How to Vote

Mail-In

Staff Writer

Be a significant part of the democratic process.

10. Did extensive four-year study on the effect of an all-carb diet on health and mental wellness 9. “According to my blood tests, I’m actually 73 percent a Rockstar” 8. Sole participant in a study on the effects of self-imposed loneliness on the human psyche 7. “I excel at doing the absolute minimum asked of me. Also, I know Excel” 6. Negotiated and maintained diplomatic relations with nest of wasps in common area 5. Still haven’t learned the real value of a dollar and therefore think this salary is fair 4. Experience in being an undervalued member of a corporation with minimal benefits 3. Willing to settle 2. Real-world experience with medical emergencies like alcohol poisoning 1. “I can only better myself from here”

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ROLE MODELS

As the 2015-16 school year comes to a close, we want to take a look back at this year’s super successful Sun God! This year we had a recordbreaking number of inebriated students not show up, making it a really safe event. We know, right?! From what we hear the music was great too; we wouldn’t know though, as we didn’t go. Anyway, here are some of the highlights and some of the students who had a great and completely sober, not-at-all-drunk time at Sun God.

Our students are some of the best role models when it comes to having a safe time at a music festival.We’re better than any other UC, according to a study conducted here at UCSD. Here are some of themostresponsibleandcompletelysober — sober as a nun we promise — students who had a fun,and alcohol- and drug-free Sun God! DAVID JOELSTEIN College: Warren Major: Vehicular Acquisition Studies

David,seen here,is a proud student of UCSD who makes sure to pay his tuition in full,so technically he isn’t stealing this cart, since it partially belongs to him. He is also carefully following the law by putting his hands at 10 and brew. Good on you forusingcampusresources,David!

MICHAEL MIKHAILOVICH College: Marshall Major: Environmental Systems

Michael is enjoying his safe and sober Sun God, and being an exemplary UCSD student at the same time! Look at him, exercising his environmental awareness by converting a plastic bag into a cool shirt, and showing his appreciation for cultural diversity by using a Chinese take-out bag.

SAFE ACTIVITIES

UCSD’S SAFE, SOBER SUN GOD

These kids ar on looking f

DIANA GARR College: ERC Major: Journalistic Sciences

Nothing makes a university run smoother than properly-utilized waste and sanitation systems. Here’s Diana using one of the many portable bathrooms that can be found across campus. Thanks, Diana, for using them for their intended purpose,and not for drinking!

Theses produc hills a

JONATHAN AXLER College: Sixth Major: Textile Engineering

Oh boy,this Sun God was a hot one! Good on Jonathan for taking off his clothes to avoid overheating and heat stroke! Here at UCSD we are proud of the fact that 100 percent of our students know how to take off their pants and we’re happy to see that Jonathan is showing it off!

Vice Ch To: All ancellor - Stu dent

Affairs <admin rec@uc UC SAN sd.edu> D I E GO CAMPU S N O T IC Univers ity of C E alifornia , San D OFFICE iego O F T HE STUDEN T AFFAI VICE CHANCE RS LLOR ALL STU DENTS AT UC S AN DIE SUBJEC GO T: Sun God Re port The fac this yea ulty an main co r’s Sun God Fd university ar nity to ncern — that estival was a e proud to an avoidedrecklessly par students wou complete succnounce that their dr thanks in pa ty and endangld take this as ess. Our hol founinking, as wellrt to both the er themselve an opportus — ha studen d on s as th We just tudents and lee on-site secu t population lis been were co rity tak miting want t aving that all ol at sungod os ay that its thme with the in gany alcoand tha r paid as your alochol w t sungoeally cool thatfacutly . m a d was you s u c giv h Its wor as youd think en to faculty cool and it’s guys th notin sun god .. becauz e we dogod guess o than hullaba g that, even t nt get goood wur safetuy melloooo, sungo houh fewer p miguel hich i think p asures worked was still mo oeple went 2 talkingasounded good robbly helped d, but miguel re safer so i . w but she bout s dumbSharon said shasnt that Anyway e th a nd dont daddy’s z kno wh ought pround sungod was r at shes e of u/. h ope u haly good] goo d a d job u g xoxo Jo fun uys se

Jessica“G Student”K home. Tha

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June 1, 2016

re helpfully not bothering our Campus Officers,allowing them to focus for inebriated students.

studentsdecidedtohavefunbyproducinganall-wall ction of“The Sound of Music”instead of drinking.The are alive with the sound of good decisions!

Good Student”Gollis draws warning labels onWilliam“Bad Koeller to show that he’s intoxicated,and that he needs to go anks, Jessica!

Wow! All of these UCSD freshmen chillaxin’ in their cool new suite common room before heading to Sun God are having such a fun time!

All of our safe students love the new patch of grass we put in under the Sun God Statue. It was a great addition!

Page 7

For before, during, and after. Good job being forward-thinking!

Here are our students employing the principle of S.H.I.T., which we want people to follow at Sun God: having a Safe, Harmless, Inclusive Time.

AtUCSD,weguaranteeourstudentsaccesstothemostadvanced technologypossible,ensuringthateveryeightstudentshaveone payphone between them.

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June 1, 2016

Researchers Find that Title of Children’s Book is Barinsten Baers, Society Crumbles

EDITORIAL

Figurative Language: As Useless as a Hole-Filled Umbrella during a Hailstorm

By Cole Greenbaun

Assistant Content Editor

n a shocking development this past Friday, scientists from the University of Virginia have revealed an extensive amount of research that proves that the popular children’s series remembered by most as “The Berenstein Bears” actually had the title of “The Barinsten Baers.” This incident has sent modern human society into a downward spiral of violence. Controversy has surrounded the The Barinsten Baers books and television show since 2011, when a picture of one of the books’ cover spread all over the internet revealing the title of the books was actually “The Berenstain Bears” with an ‘a’ not an ‘e.’ Many people then began aggressively swearing that they remembered it with an ‘e.’’ Since 2011 there have been 84 reported instances of Barinsten Baersbased physical violence in San Diego alone. “I swear to you, goddammit, it is spelled with an ‘e’ you piece of shit.” commented user xxBearyGudxx on forum website Reddit in 2012. “And if you don’t think so I will come to your house and beat it into your fucking head if I have to.” Since the recent developments, which revealed the picture originally spread everywhere was Photoshopped and the books were not spelled with an ‘a’ or an ‘e’ but instead as “The Barinsten Baers,” violence has increased threefold and society has rumbled to a halt. People have been rioting in the streets of San Francisco, Austin and Los Angeles for the past six days, in a display of aggression and violence not seen

By Sterling Neruda

PHOTO By connor gorry

Sister Baer only served as the distraction, as her gang broke in the back to steal all their loot and kill them in cold blood. since the Rodney King, Ferguson, and Blue-Black Dress riots. “My life is a lie! When I was little, my mother read me these books. What even was her name?“ screamed rioter Ashley Fellows. “Was my mother even real? Or was she a parallel universe monster sent to brainwash me? I’M SO CONFUSED!” The violence has increased exponentially as more details of the research has been revealed. The main parental characters in The Barinsten Baers were not named ‘Papa Bear’ and ‘Mama Bear’ as previously remembered, but in fact had the names “Faether Mammel” and “Mothar Mammel.” On top of this, the characters were not grizzly bears

but actually anteaters. These details have sent society into a tornado of insanity and chaos; Twitter has almost collapsed under the sheer number of users angrily sending tweets in all caps incoherently ranting about how they “will never be the same” and their lives are “forever ruined.” This effect of vividly remembering something that didn’t actually happen or exist and then destructively reacting to the truth (as has happened with the Barinsten Baers conflict) has been dubbed “The Mandela Effect” by scientists. It’s called this for the large group of people who remember Nelson Mandela dying in prison, who then collectively tore down a JC Penny when they realized it never

happened. Some other examples of the Mandela Effect are remembering Justin Bieber without tattoos and with a less douchey attitude or the movie “Spy Kids” being a great film. With society in shambles and governments abandoned, a leader has emerged in the form of the new cult group “The Berenstein High Council.” This Council promises the peace and serenity of ignorance in their teachings, telling people that “The Berenstein Bears, spelled with an ‘e,’ will wash away the sin and dirt of the truth and will bring you to the salvation that is the Big Treehouse in the sky.” A rival cult, “The Berenstain Followers” have emerged in response, and war is predicted to be imminent.

Aspiring Achievers Cofounder Falls Short of Clinching Treasurer Position in Club Elections By Lawrence Lee

Graphics Editor

hird year undergraduate Jane Footick stormed out of Aspiring Achievers’ third GBM of spring quarter where, despite her significant prior sacrifices that brought the organization to where it is now, she was not elected treasurer for the following school year. “I can’t say I’m anything but disappointed,” she said. “I’m very disappointed. I’m also angry. And frustrated. God, I’m disappointed.” Aspiring Achiever is a student club that was established in late September 2015 by Footick and her roommates, Dominic Barton and Karen Mazer, soon after the school year started. “In my first two years here I found myself looking for a group that I could be in to mildly push myself to achieve,” she stated in a self-taped interview dated October 2015 on the club’s history. “There are so many academic clubs on campus, but they have a wide host of problems — some only attract specific majors or interests, some are restricted by GPA, and some are just a little too achieving. “There wasn’t a comfortable place where people simply thought about and potentially put a moderate amount of effort into achieving decent academic goals, so my roommates and I founded Aspiring Achievers to create just a place.” In the past year, the three founders all held positions on the club’s executive board, where Mazer served as president and Barton as treasurer. Footick voluntarily served as an advisory board member,

Non-avid Reader igurative language. Nothing is more confusing to me than the use of figurative language. I don’t understand why everyone feels the need to use all of these abstract, fluffy figurative language devices all the time in literature. Whenever I see figurative language it frustrates me so much, like I’m a solitary whale swimming against the current of ignorant authors and extraneous language. In my opinion, writing is meant to inform, and should be done in the most exact, simplest way possible. Adding all of these extra adjectives or descriptions causes nothing but unbearable strife, as if it’s a literary terrorist, going to destroy all clarity in language. I have no idea why anyone would use such language. Imagine my frustration when upon opening a novel about the travels of a young, British man, hoping to be informed about the challenges of nautical navigation and discovery in 18th century Europe, I instead found a dense array of descriptions of oddly small or large people, and strange human-like animals. I can only assume these descriptions are symbolic of some sort of moral message or social commentary, but they did absolutely nothing to heighten my understanding of the difficulties of finding islands with early navigation technology. As I sat there reading the book, I felt… not quite angry. Frustrated isn’t the right word either… it was almost like someone had reached down, grabbed my stomach and squeezed it a little bit, completely unprompted. How could such an esteemed au-

thor intentionally be so indirect with the literal language and descriptions they were using? When I finally reached the end of the book, this feeling had grown into something different entirely. It was beyond rage and confusion towards the lack of directness of the novel. I felt restless and destructive as well, kind of like a giant wave in the middle of a rough ocean about to wildly crash down on something big and impressivelooking. And my insides felt as if they were full of a blackness that came from a failed endeavor to learn something. Not like just an average black color though, it was more like the empty, dead black of charcoal, that was consumed and diminished by a fire. I have found that pieces of literature which effectively communicate and inform in a straightforward, no-nonsense sort of way are few and far between. However, as I have come across a few quality works, I am left with a sliver of hope that the literary sphere will shift and improve its standards. The last such quality piece I stumbled upon would have to be the “Black & Decker 617623-00 Cordless Drill User Manual.” So to the point and straight forward, I knew immediately how to use the tool after one quick read-through. I don’t believe I can fully describe the pleasure and satisfaction I got from reading that piece. The way that the words pulsed and flowed effortlessly together, with not a single unnecessary letter or punctuation mark, never once deviating from the clear, oh-so-exact path, never once straying from the literal and purely informative bounds of the text. Each numerical step and illustration dodged every hint of abstraction, avoided every possibility for comparison, and slid past every opportunity for symbolism and metaphor. I can do nothing but hope, with the utmost passion and devotion, as I desperately try to shine a light on those most ignorant, that other writers and critics will also realize the utter uselessness of figurative language to convey ideas.

TOP Ten

Ways to Get Out of the Conversation “How’s School Going?”

PHOTO By katherine wood

“I’m really not happy with the division of power,” said Footick, “and especially how the power is not divided in my favor.” as she “wanted to give Dominic and Karen the opportunity to exercise their strengths and see their vision for the org through.” “I can always step up next year,” she continued in the October interview. “I don’t mind helping from behind the scenes anyways.” The results of the elections reportedly took everyone by surprise since early polling, conducted as exit polls at the first GBM of the quarter by Footick, put Footick ahead of Barton by 100 percentage points. “Are you going to vote for me?” she was heard asking various members leaving the study room. “Are you? Are you?” The competition between Footick and Barton in the weeks leading up to the election created a tangible rift between their close roommates and friends.

“She was so supportive and helpful through the uphill battle we fought to get this club going,” said Barton. “Always cheering us on, correcting our grammar in club emails after we sent them, and posting on Facebook to encourage higher attendance at the semi-quarterly GBMs. Now she wants to be treasurer, which I get, but we can’t argue with the members’ votes. It’s just unfortunate that this has to get between our friendship.” Despite the polls and her continued efforts in benefiting the organization, Footick lost to Barton in the election by a five-vote margin, almost 75 percent of the membership base. Even though she was the main author of the club constitution, she had no legal standing against his re-election, as the constitution has a clause stating that

any officer can be re-elected for a second year term. This clause was a significant source of controversy for the founding members, as Barton and Mazer both considered it unhealthy for the organization’s officers to hold the same position two years in a row. Footick managed to convince them otherwise, saying at the time that “an excellent leader shouldn’t be disallowed from continuing their excellence.” “I stand by what I said about that clause,” she said after the vote, “but how can you vote to continue someone’s strong leadership if there’s so obviously an even stronger leader right next to them?” “After all,” she concluded, “I had the largest signature on that constitution. If that doesn’t deserve control of the treasury, I don’t know what does.”

10. Crumple a potato chip bag and say “Oh, we’re breaking up. I can’t hear you” 9. “My law degree is going well, but first I’d like to define ‘how’ and ’school’ and ‘going’” 8. Mime that you’re in a box 7. “I plead the Fifth” 6. Whisper “diarrhea” and shuffle quickly away 5. “It’s not so bad once the raccoons accept you and stop using you as their bite pillow” 4. Tell them that your lawyer has advised you not to comment 3. “It’s going, so I better go catch it.” Then run away 2. Go on and on about how amazing it is, but use the word “relatively” before every adjective 1. “I don’t know, how’s your divorce going, Helen?” If you have any complaints about spoilerrelated content in this issue, call this number: 801-608-7122, and stop being a wimp.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

June 1, 2016

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Doofus and Dutiful

Literature Building Scheduled for Demolition: Deemed Definitely Maybe Irrelevant

Making good decisions can seem really hard sometimes. But don’t worry, because it doesn’t have to be! Doofus and Dutiful are here to show you how easy it is to be on your best behavior all the time. They are happy to make all of those tricky choices for you, so that you don’t have to!

Dutiful pays respect to his local mob boss.

Doofus is swimming with the fishes.

PHOTO By barak tzori

“It’s just not the same. I can’t feel the weight of the building in my hands or smell the lemon of the floors,” said one student. By Alex Noftsier Dutiful switches the train track so that the oncoming train only hits one person, sparing five lives.

Dutiful makes sure not to spoil Game of Thrones for his friends.

Doofus decides to do nothing to avoid all ethical responsibility.

Doofus immediately tweets that Hodor dies.

Illustrations by Chris Jin

Norwegian Prison Modeled After California University

PHOTO By katherine wood

While the student was pretty happy to have received a shiv and a possible way out of the hell hole, he was unhappy to see that the hole in the book cut out the answers to question 16 parts ‘a’ and ‘b.’ By Nicholas Martin

Staff Writer s a new experimental part of Norway’s systematic prison reform, an inquiry into modeling future prisons after many California universities has been initiated. This reform is a result of Norway’s push to “once again set out to do things in the absolute most European way possible.” The aim of the investigation is to eliminate walls around Norwegian prisons, resulting in savings in constructions costs that can be funneled into the Norwegian Healthcare system. Despite allegations of attempts to conceal past instances of embezzlement, the inquiry is expected to continue as planned. The basis of such a dramatic change to prison design was inspired by students studying at impacted Universities who repeatedly spend more time there than originally planned. Speculations suggest that a psychological factor is the key to removing the walls of the prisons, while still keeping

the prisoners inside. Sources within the inquiry team revealed that a complex system of arbitrary numbers and requirements are presented to students. The Universities managed to convince students that leaving before completing all their “units,” finishing all requirements, and following through with all the general education classes would somehow lead to the ultimate failure of said student. The next step for researchers is to create a similar system in which a set of semi-complex yet surprisingly difficult series of tasks is presented to prisoners in order to make them come to the understanding that these tasks must be completed to obtain their freedom. In the case of California universities students obtain a “degree,” or a single piece of paper with their names on it as a reward to work towards. Not willing to pay for the printing of such a large quantity of these papers, researchers have suggested using a prisoner’s freedom as an alternative reward,

and hope it will be sufficient motivation. Norwegian researchers have begun testing methods of so-called “thought induction”. These methods include persuasion and coercion such as gold stars for a job well done, or reduced time in the rec yard for inadequate performance. They are currently being tested in small groups of young adult prisoners with short term sentences. With promising signs of small-scale success, Norwegian Prison officials have decided to follow through with new testing of prison design. Proposed designs include placing prisons in the hearts of cities with no walls or barriers that would keep inmates from leaving. Other design aspects include non-locking prison cells which would allow prisoners to leave their cells as they please. With the wall less aspect of the prison design approved for Norway’s next prison, Norwegian prison planners are investigating how terrain and layout of public universities affects the ways in which student

populations move or, rather, do not move. Recent investigation into university terrain shows that obscenely steep and hilly campuses severely discourage movement from on-campus to off-campus. This led researchers to believe that exhaustion and fatigue associated with fulfilling requirements leaves minimal energy to leave campus. The hope for researchers is that prisoners feel the same mental fatigue and stress as university students. This new alternative form of punishment is in direct response to the concerns of Norwegian citizens that the Norwegian prison system has “gone soft”. It is an embodiment of the break-them-down and buildthem-back-up mentality so that they may perform as model citizens. Currently researchers have no data to suggest a way to “build [the prisoners] back up”. This is where adapting California university structure to prison systems becomes challenging, as students tend to not get built back up prior to graduation.

Staff Writer

n a recent press release, UCSD has announced that the Literature Building is scheduled for demolition by 2018, after years of safety concerns. This comes as a surprise to some faculty who have taught at the university since before the building was constructed. Most, however, see the project as a step towards the future, although authorities warn students not to take that step into the massive hole that workers dug outside the building as a beginning of the project. The Literature Building has had its fair share of scandal. In 2009, news broke over the higher-than-average number of cancer diagnoses reported for women who had worked in the building between 1991 and 2008. This “cancer cluster” consisted of 17 women who had been diagnosed with cancer after working in the building. UCSD dismissed accusations of having an unsafe workplace saying “Do you really think a university as large as us would have such little knowledge of such a major health risk? Remember, we are a smoke-free campus, we know how to handle the health risks of our faculty and students.” The investigation that followed the cancer cluster accusation found no major sources of carcinogens in the building, aside from some packs of cigarettes that one anonymous professor “definitely didn’t know were in the office.” The areas of highest concern, located next to the elevators, were also found “safe, although water stained and mildly haunted.” Dr. Brendan O’Brady-Callaghan, who examined the strength of the electromagnetic fields in the areas surrounding the elevators concluded that, “there is a possibility of a mild to modest increase in risk of breast cancer, but that’s not nearly as risky as choosing to major in the humanities, anyway.” The Literature Department responded with stringent measures to improve safety, including turning those offices into storage closets for “former coursework found to be un-

pleasantly racist” and “broken dreams”. The air quality report filed during the investigation found that the musky scent that the faculty affectionately referred to as “the smell of old books and lack of funding,” was a result of mold which was then removed. With such a scandalous past, the Literature faculty is thrilled about the demolition. “Now my breasts and I can live in peace,” Professor Holly Godarkly noted, “even if we can’t work in peace, because there is no building.” Many administrators see this as an exciting step into the future. “Science and computers are the future,” executive Fernando Mondega wrote, “and we are excited to downsize non-STEM departments that have become salubrious- wait, is it superfluous? One of those.” Students are equally animated about the project. Biology major Vicky Frank, who had not previously been aware of the literature department’s existence had this to say: “UCSD is a tech magnet. It doesn’t make any sense to fund a department that no one cares about. Why can’t they just go to the library?” Some, however, feel differently. Literature major Vlad Jasbokov complained that the project is “the idea of people who clearly have never read ‘Fahrenheit 451.’” Others, like Professor Sethe Paulson, expressed concerns over the fact that no new building site has been identified. While the demolition is scheduled to be completed by 2018, it is unclear what will happen to the Literature Department. “It makes more sense for this department to be a club,” Mondega commented. “Clubs are for spirited nutjobs who want to collectively geek out over something. Departments are for people who care more about money than geeking out.” In any case, it seems unlikely that a new building dedicated to literature will be constructed at all. Administration has confirmed, however, that a state-of-the-art engineering building will be erected as soon as the rubble of the Literature Building is cleared.

Cutting-edge satire.

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Lin-Manuel Miranda Wins Nobel Prize, Puerto Rican Gubernatorial Office

College Yearbook Ads Since UCSD’s graduating seniors don’t get a yearbook, we decided to dedicate room here to have the part of the yearbook everybody loves: Ad Space! Get your fill of all the embarrassing ads parents buy, which will then live on forever.

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Reading, England Discovered to be Where Reading Was Invented By Lauren Kirkbride

Assistant Design Editor ritish historian Donald Wobbley has uncovered evidence that reading was first invented in Reading, England around 2200 BCE. Since 1927, it has been widely known that the first known author was Enheduanna, a Sumerian High Priestess. But after examining ancient calcite disks buried beneath a McDonald’s in Reading, Wobbley asserts that the act of reading was invented by another legendary figure named Leaffru Reading. “Now, there is evidence that Enheduanna understood what she wrote down,” Wobbley clarified at the Dig Mac Archaeological Conference, held inside the McDonald’s above where Wobbley excavated his findings. “But everybody else was just kind of drawing symbols and didn’t understand why. It just felt oddly fulfilling, I guess.” According to the ancient calcite disks, Leaffru Reading was a scribe under Enheduanna, and wrote down everything she said. It is said that once, when Leaffru was reading what he wrote down, another assistant came up and asked, “What are you doing?” Leaffru mistakenly thought the assistant asked “Who are you?” to which he responded, “I’m Reading.” Thus the term for reading was invented. Other historians have argued that Reading, England is not even remotely close to Mesopotamia, where En-

Staff Writer in-Manuel Miranda, “Hamilton” playwright and star, has won both a Nobel Prize and the office of Governor of Puerto Rico last Tuesday, in addition to being awarded a revolutionary new patent for his newly improved design of the wheel. These accomplishments furnish a rapidly growing list of Miranda’s achievements, which include his 16 Tony nominations, his establishment of the first human lunar colony, and his ability to use memes without sounding like Hillary Clinton. Miranda’s meteoric rise to fame has won him his fair share of praise from all over the nation. High school students have lauded him nearuniversally, especially in the immediate prelude to the AP US History exam. Theater enthusiasts have taken inspiration from his work, and there are reports that in some small areas he is now revered as a kind of god of stagecraft; it’s rumored in these circles that repeating his full name three times while holding a ten-dollar bill can counter the misfortune invoked by speaking the name “Macbeth” aloud. Still, Miranda has not escaped criticism, especially from the Domestic Association of Dads. Local father and DAD member Percy Atronage was notably strident during a DAD protest of Miranda’s accomplishments. Atronage demanded that Miranda, a father for almost two years now, “dial it down a notch,” stating that ever since the discovery that Miranda had secretly used time travel to author Hamlet under Shakespeare’s name, it has become impossible to impress his own children. “You don’t understand,” he was heard saying. “He makes it so damn hard for the rest of us! Like, you always know that those World’s Greatest Dad mugs are fake, but at least before we could fool ourselves a little, you

-Dad

You're not my child, but I wish you were. Watching always,

PHOTO By connor gorry

After having spontaneously grown four additional arms in preparation for his swearing in, Miranda is reportedly working on his new one-man orchestra show.

know? Now, though,” Atronage was heard to say before breaking off and looking away from local reporters. “Now we know nothing but shame.” Atronage then began to weep, and did not answer further questions. Miranda’s numerous accomplishments have not gone unnoticed in academic circles, either. Doctor Cathy L. Assic of New York University, who heads a multidisciplinary team of historians and sociopolitical analysts, has been tracking his career very carefully ever since his debut on Broadway; the launch of the show notably upset several major Western economies, and Paul Krugman was heard to suggest that the US back its currency in “Hamilton” tickets. “We’re now almost completely sure that Mr. Miranda is actually undertaking the Twelve Labors of Hercules,” says Dr. Assic. “Obviously there is still a great deal of confirmational testing to be done, but the preliminary tests are all turning up positive. It seems that Hera herself has literally set forth a series of twelve tasks for him in the absence of a King Eurystheus figure.” In support of her claim she cites the increasingly complex nature of Miranda’s accomplishments as well as their sheer impossibility, comparing his establishment of the first human lunar colony to the cleansing of the Augean Stables. Asked about next steps, Dr. Assic said that she was planning an expedition to Mount Olympus to verify that the tasks have been set upon a mortal yet again. According to Dr. Assic, prayers to Apollo have gone unanswered; the team suspects that Miranda has been unconsciously intercepting them, as NYU’s theater department has notably felt the brunt of the fervor surrounding the playwright’s rise to fame. It is currently predicted that, for his next task, Miranda plans on seducing the spouses of everyone, everywhere.

PHOTO By katherine wood

The town scored first in the nation in math and writing, and last in reading comprehension. heduanna lived. Wobbley countered, “Yeah, but, you know, the Pangea thing and continental drift and all that.” He then covered the microphone and muttered that “maps are all conspiracy theories anyway.” Mayor Edgar Diddle of Reading addressed the momentous finding at a recent press conference. He announced that until now, he nor any other historian ever understood why Reading, England was pronounced like “redding,” despite being spelled like “reading”. “We thought it was a ye olde typo,” explained Diddle. “A lowercase ‘d’ can look like a lowercase ‘a’ if written sloppily. So we never argued with

it. And we never bothered to change Reading’s spelling, either, because tourists see it on the map and think, ‘Reading? I like to read!’ It’s the only way we make tourism revenue.” Mayor Diddle has scheduled a city council meeting this week to determine whether or not to change Reading’s pronunciation to "reading." Historian Jennifer Buckeral, a colleague of Wobbley’s, appeared dazed and confused throughout the entire press conference. She then respectably pointed out that Wobbley’s discovery didn’t make any sense. “Wait, so- is Leaffru Reading’s name pronounced reeding? or red-ding? And is this

why ‘read’ in past tense is pronounced like ‘red’, but Reading is pronounced like ‘red-ding’ instead of present tense ‘reading’? I’m so confused guys. I failed freshman English.” Despite the controversy surrounding Wobbley’s discovery, Mayor Diddle states assuredly that the finding will boost Reading’s recognition and pride. “The discovery will probably make the pronunciation issue a lot simpler,” said Diddle. “What Leaffru Reading read determined how reading reads in the written language, and Reading, being the place where reading was invented, will be said and read like we’re reading Reading. It’s really not that difficult.”

A bird in the hand is worth oh shit, oh shit, oh shit-

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Time Machine Invented, Future Just as Boring as Present

New Study Finds Cure for Depression: Pile of Kittens Crushed Into Fine Powder

PHOTO By hannah rosenblatt

“All cats go to heaven,” the doctor whispered to himself, as a single tear rolled down his cheek. By Matt Olson

PHOTO By daniel clinton

"This 2024 election probably would have been a lot more interesting if Bernie was still alive," moaned a CERN employee. By Daniel Clinton

Distribution Co-Captain

he European Organization for Nuclear Research, known as CERN, performed the first successful time jump in a manned craft at 10:04 p.m. last Saturday. Head researcher of the Time Management division at CERN, Dr. Emmett Temps, began his announcement speech by trumpeting the vast new opportunities presented by the technology, but also confirming that, among other things, hover boards were still not invented in the future. CERN’s report describes the feat as “a middle finger to theoretical physicists everywhere, but ultimately a thumbs-down for everyone else.” Dr. Emmett Temps elaborated in his announcement speech. “This whole shindig started because bril-

liant men and women were told that time travel was impossible. But by golly gee were we able to prove those dense physicists wrong. What matters here is that we can time travel, not how lame the future is.” Immediately following his speech, Temps was asked how “lame” the future was, and Temps quickly replied, “Pretty fucking lame.” Once reaching the farthest forward point that the technology can currently handle, Time Pilot Marty Oras penned in his field notes, “I hoped for the future to look like the utopias out of science fiction novels, but everything just looks the same as it does today. Yeah, sure, it’s about the journey, not the destination, but what’s the point in the journey if the destination sucks so much?” After the future was determined to be a “massive letdown,” funding for the

Time Management division at CERN was immediately slashed. With the budget cut down from its original 88 million euros to 30 million euros, the faculty was left scrambling for methods to increase interest in the now-antiquated field of time travel. The technology was rumored to have been marketed to the superpowers of the world, though once again this venture yielded unsatisfactory results. The failure was exemplified by Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, in his press release about the technology. “The first thing I did was find the future version of myself, but future me was not as cool as I expected. He was just a sadder, older version of me. Why would I want to see that? The Russian Federation denounces this machine and those who support it.” Left with few options,

CERN now plans to map out what present issues that will still be disappointingly persistent in the future, in an attempt to harness the technology’s seemingly-endless potential for disappointment. Topping the list currently is global hunger, global poverty, large scale violence, and lack of croutons at the salad bar. While numerous humanitarian organizations have begun to shut down in recognition that their efforts are in vain, CERN asserted that they “remain committed to changing the future for the better” and pledged their best engineers to the first convention of the World Crouton Initiative next month. However, insider leaks from within CERN have cautioned to “not get one’s hopes up about the croutons” and recommended to “douse that bitch in salad dressing instead.”

On the Origin of Briefies Woman Late to Give Mother’s Day Gift to Mother She Murdered Area woman Shane Daniels realized yesterday that she had failed to purchase and give a thoughtful Mother’s Day gift to her mother, whose body she left desiccating in the same sheets in which Daniels killed her. Hoping to make up for her blunder, Daniels sought a gift that would show both her care and conscientiousness. “Maybe a box of chocolates,” Daniel whispered to herself to keep from being overheard by her mother’s pungent body, sitting in a nearby rocking chair. “No Shane, you stupid animal idiot! She’s allergic to nuts, and there’s no way to know which one is which. “I mean there’s the stupid catalogue thing, but that’s always impossible to figure out,” Daniels said, quietly peering at the birds playing in the fountain outside. She hadn’t felt the sun in weeks. Daniels’ mother had died some number of months ago — Daniels could hardly remember how many — after Daniels got fed up with being told to do “such bland tasks” as “take out the trash” and “stop putting that bleach in my wine.” Her relationship with her mother had improved since then, however, and Daniels reportedly did not want this new transgression to get in the way of what that relationship could someday grow into. “Bath bombs. Shit yes. That is the way to go,” said Daniels to herself, wearing her mother’s wedding dress and crouching under running water in the shower.

Area Man Thinks Google Maps Has Got it All Wrong

Man Successfully Blames Fart on Whoever Smelt it

Police Brutality Talks Derailed by Fanatic Patriots

San Diego public defender Richard Mallard, who was utterly convinced his Google Maps app gave him incorrect instructions, recently took a series of wrong turns that ultimately led to a speeding ticket and a serious build up of frustrations.. "My phone wanted me to turn down this one road that looked really windy, and then drive in the opposite direction of the gas station for like 10 minutes, and I just, I, I don't know, it just didn't seem right. I didn't want to go that way." Mallard quickly decided to deviate from his iPhone’s directions after driving past a series of consecutive vans reading "Get divorced quick," "Will buy cars fast," "Sell your home and everything in it in less than a week," and "last minute international travel tickets." He figured that the quickest course of action was to go towards the nearest freeway exit, because "that's always where all of the gas stations are, right?" After driving for several minutes based on nothing but his own sense of navigation and traversing what Mallard described as "a lot of turns. Like, too many to remember," and driving on and off of an "exciting on-ramp," Mallard still could not find a gas station, and decided to make his way back home instead. At press time, Mallard had still not managed to fill his gas tank, and was heard screaming "WHYYY WHYY, MY CAR DOESNT LIKE THESE GEAR CHANGES," as he accelerated onto a narrow feeder road towards an almost-visible gas station off in the distance.

Last Thursday, local James Fernow managed to do what was once deemed “impossible” by top scientists. After releasing a behemoth 12 second silent fart, Fernow successfully diverted the blame off of himself at his sister Veronica's baby christening. Fernow was initially worried that the fart, “smelling like a dead raccoon baked into a two-week old cheese and bean casserole after being pissed on by a diabetic child,” would be traced back to him, ruining his chances with his sister's college friends. He was also worried that the fart would label him as responsible for the fart’s long-term effects on baby Charlotte’s respiratory system, ruining her chances at playing professional tuba, which is his sister’s hope. But as the fart’s stench began to take hold of the room, Fernow’s sisters dog, Buford, began to bark erratically and loudly in reaction to the fart. In the heat of the moment, Fernow was able to think on his feet and quickly saying “Oh god, that smell, Buford did you cut the cheese?” Most of the other party-goers then forcefully laughed and exited the room as quickly as possibly, while Veronica, checked under Buford for any stains on her white, shag carpet. This blaming of a fart by “whoever smelt it dealt it,” has never been accomplished since the phrase was created. To celebrate, Fernow confidently walked to the bathroom to “destroy that toilet” while Veronica discussed with her husband whether Buford should get digestive tract surgery or be put down.

Police brutality activist Jasmine Porcin held a press conference Friday on the rise of police brutality reports filed towards the San Diego Police Department. Porcin discussed recent militarization of police departments and the “shoot first, ask questions later” attitude police used to deal with the public. “We continue to let children be slain in the streets by murderers in blue. Murder is murder no matter who commits it.” While Porcin brought up reasonable, thought out arguments about the state of police in America, one shout from the audience sent the conference into disarray. “EVERYONE IS GUILTY OF SOMETHING, STOP BEING SO UN-AMERICAN,” someone shouted. Porcin had trouble attempting to respond to the comment and was overwhelmed from audience members chanting “USA, USA, USA.” A man waving a fourfoot American flag commented, “I can’t believe I was almost convinced that we needed a systemic change to how law enforcement conducts itself. I’m glad it turned out she was just un-American.” The patriotic law-abiding citizens starte a riot over Porcin’s speech. The situation was de-escalated by riot police; who dissolved the seven rioters by firing tear gas and bean bags into the “crowd.” “Ever since we got these fancy new tear gas dispensers, I have been dying to try them out on someone,” remarked one police officer after yelling “YEE HAW” and pepper spraying a random person.

Assistant Content Editor

arlier this year, a federal advisory committee approved a bold new treatment plan by drug company Cheshire Rx. that may permanently cure depression. The advisory committee voted unanimously that the drug, a powder that is injected intravenously, was safe for human use and effective at fighting depression, while also being, according to one member of the committee, “unquestionably vile, but admittedly pretty metal.” The drug, Kibblecure, was discovered accidentally nearly seven years ago and has been used in clinical trials for the last five, according to lead researcher Carl Schneider. “Well, you know, we knew that animals usually make people happier, but we couldn’t figure out how to make that happen. At first we simply exposed patients to kittens and noted that they were happy until the kittens were taken away, or until kittens weren’t enough to distract them from the realization that life is ultimately meaningless. “We needed to figure out a way to make that ‘warm, fuzzy feeling’ permanent. We tried blindfolding the patients and handing them kittens, we tried handing them kittens in their sleep, we tried telling them their family came to visit but when they were escorted to the visitation room it was only full of kittens. Nothing worked. After several months of little progress, luck saved the day, as it so often does. One day in early 2009, due to an incident I cannot legally elaborate on, we discovered a simple way to turn kittens into a fine powder using a delicate process involving the largest mallet we could find and a liberal application of the scien-

tific method. We determined that injecting this kitten powder directly into a patient’s bloodstream led to their wellbeing rising across the board, and after a few weeks patients seemed to entirely recover from depression.” Despite the drug’s effectiveness, clinical trials have not gone without criticism, even from the patients themselves. “Sure, we had some people complain about the fact that we were shooting kitten dust into them,” said Thomas O’Malley, CEO of Cheshire Rx. “But they’re all depressed. You can’t trust depressed people when they say they’re unhappy, because they’re always unhappy. And quite frankly I don’t even know what they have to be depressed about; they’re constantly immersed in kittens, technically speaking. “As a matter of fact, one of the ways we realized the drug was so efficient was that patients began to elucidate their feelings on the trials themselves. At first, after being told what exactly they were being injected with, most patients just curled up into a ball under the covers, which is great because that’s what they were already doing and they’re much more cooperative when they don’t have the motivation to fight back. However, we knew that they had fully recovered and were free of depression when they became more aware of their situation, and began yelling something like “GOD IS DEAD” and “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING.” “We understand that people could have reservations about using Kibblecure, but believe me, we’ve crunched the numbers AND the kittens, and we’re sure this is the best thing on the market.”

TOP Ten

Lesser-Known Crimes that Will Still Get You 30 to Life 10. Downloading a car 9. Lying on your music practice card 8. "Marriage, am I right, sonny boy?" 7. Public un-nudity in a nudist colony 6. Leaving your freshman suite door open. This is your last warning, suite 430 5. Failing to mind the gap 4. Stealing a single grape from the supermarket, you sick bastard 3. Holding up a guy holding up a bank 2. Reverse psychology: telling a judge not to give you 30 to life 1. Impersonating a sexy police officer Satiriest paperiest newsiest publication on campus.

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Now that school is ending, you have to figure out what to do for the summer. Instead of getting a job or taking an internship or trying to further your future like some kind of loser, why not satiate your every fancy with some of San Diego’s premier food, events, and media? To alleviate the pressure of figuring out if any of these things are worth your time, we took it upon ourselves to carefully review all of the hottest summer entertainment and experience breaking down and crying in the fetal position on your behalf!

Best Restaurants in San Diego, CA

Showing 1-6 of 10162

There are so many places to go and eat food nowadays that it’s hard to pick. You usually just run through lists online till finally you give up and eat a Hungry Man television dinner. Well, now you can have the freedom of being told what is and what isn’t good, with no regard to what you actually think. Here are some reviews for the best, worst, and just okay food in San Diego.

1. Souplantation

2. Debree Food

3. Cookbnb 82 Reveiws

143 Reveiws

41 Reveiws

I always come here after my weekly colon cleanse just to get back on my feet and just this last week, there was a rat in my soup. At first I was afraid but it turns out he’s pretty cool. His name is Jerry and he makes the cornbread. He taught me how to make cornbread too, although with my weak GI tract it can be difficult to enjoy cornbread. Five stars for Jerry, two stars for cornbread.

I was so excited to try the new blindfolded eating restaurant in town, to really enhance the sense of taste of the food. After being treated to a delicious four-course meal, they took off the blindfold to reveal that the entire time we were surrounded by garbage and it was all part of a Febreze commercial. I vomited on the spot. It was awful. The Febreze scent was amazing though.

4. Meat Sacks — A Moving Burrito Place

5. Artisan Partisan Plates

27 Reveiws

I was out searching for my nephew who disappeared. While I still haven’t found my dear Roger, I did find the best carne humano burrito I’ve had in my life. If anyone knows where this shack is now or where my Roger is, please call at 408-406-8078.

nts e v E o g e i San D ions t c a r tt A d an Instead of sleeping until 2 p.m. and never putting on actual clothes, or watching “Chuck” on Netflix till dinner like you would on a typical summer day, consider going outside for once and experiencing the culture of San Diego. Contrary to belief, it's more than just Comic Con and “Anchorman.” Here we have some of San Diego’s best summer events and attractions for everyone, from international tourists to staycation tourists.

I was so looking forward to trying out this Airbnb-style restaurant chain. My friend tried it once, and went on and on about how they tried it after hearing that their friend went to a Guy Fieri restaurant, but then they ended up at a place owned by a guy who did five years for biting off his friend’s toe. I mean, that’s such a cool story! So you can imagine my outrage when I just got a bland Arby’s chef, who simply made some chicken nuggets and did nothing remotely odd.

6. Leaky Cauldron

19 Reveiws

I thought this place would be great, what with the set of rules explicitly posted showing how they make their food. But then when we ordered, we all got the exact same plate of food, even though we all had ordered different things. It was like they didn’t care about what we wanted or needed — they just wanted to make things as easy for themselves as possible. Hopefully, their location in Canada is better.

Phil’s Annual Tugathon Hosted at Black’s Beach, Phil’s Annual Tugathon brings the locals together for a fun night full of festivities and tugging. There are many events that appeal to men of all ages, from the initial tug-off to the final tug race to see who can tug the fastest. If you get tired from all the tugging, feel free to rest in our relaxation tents and take a nap. Note: while Phil’s is accepting of many different lifestyles, this is a familyfriendly event for tugboat enthusiasts. Catering provided by BJ’s.

The San Diego Summer Lawn Film Festival At this delightful event, sit beneath the stars on a nice Kentucky Bluegrass lawn as you watch such great lawn care movies such as “The Gardener” or the documentary “Jiro Dreams of Barley.” This event is a must for any lawn enthusiast who has not only green stains on their clothes, but a green thumb as well. Blankets, tarps, and picking at the grass are prohibited.

12 Reveiws

What the hell was this place? The food was godawful, almost medieval, and when I stayed the night, I was awake all night with the hooting of owls. Worst of all, they would LARP all the time pretending to be wizards. Also, why do people keep coming in just to disappear in the back room? What’s back there?

Hillcrest Shining Seas Water Park There’s no better way to beat the heat on a sweltering summer day than going down to the local water park. So come on down to Hillcrest Shining Seas, just opened this summer! You’ll be having so much fun, you’ll never want to leave! In fact, if you stay in the water too long, you’ll probably be physically unable to leave. On an unrelated note, be sure to stick around for the reopening of the Hillcrest Wax Museum this fall.

King Poseidon’s Castle on the Sand Tour this magnificent castle made entirely out of sand. It’s 70,000 square feet of sand tapestry and sand thrones; it’ll feel like you’ve entered a medieval world where the economy runs on sand, and everyone is made of sand. Feel free to rent the castle and party till the sun comes up, or at least until high tide comes in. No, really, we’ve lost two people in a section collapse just this month.

Summer Films & Television

In this action-thirsty world of “Transformers” and, god-forbid, “Transformers Age of Extinction,” sometimes all you need for summer entertainment is some quality films and shows that pique your interest, mind, and snobbishness. Avoid the friendly conversations of those summer blockbusters by brooding and muttering about these shows and movies premiering this summer.

Middle-Aged-Manhood: The Series An Average Amount of Stars Linklater’s back at it again with this realtime series, as a continuation of his popular film “Boyhood.” The series follows the same actor as he progresses through his 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. accounting job, with each episode revealing a week’s worth of office space work and drama. Stressing the slow-moving pace of aging, Linklater is dedicated to capturing drawn out water cooler talk, and the frustrations of using an old copy machine in its rawest, most honest state yet.

Expanse Horizons - New Film by Christopher Nolan

x 2000 HOLY SHIT THIS WAS INCREDIBLE OH MY GOD Christopher Nolan has done it again. Two and a half hours of zooming out from a single blade of grass set to a riveting score of a single violin string. I was literally blown away, no really, I'm bald. This man is the best thing to haVE EVER FUCKING HAPPENED TO CINEMA. WE WOULD BE NOWHERE WITHOUT HIM AND ANYONE WHO DISAGREES IS A WASTE OF LIFE.

Flip That Flop But Don’t Flip That Flipping Floppity Flop Flip on HGTV rats eno Candice Olson is back at it again on HGTV, and this time she’s flipping houses that have already been flipped on Flip That House, and sometimes she flips a flopped investment on a flipped house. Sometimes she wears flip flops, I think. To be honest, I have no idea what’s happening in this show most of the time. It wouldn’t be so bad if the camera wasn’t constantly flipping around but the entire thing looks like a bad PowerPoint transition and it’s really hard to follow. I can’t believe this is the show that replaced The Vanilla Ice Project.

Super Haunt Me

666 stars In this revolutionary sequel to “Super Size Me,” Morgan Spurlock is back at it again, spending 30 days trying to get as haunted as possible. Pretty great flick. I really enjoyed it when he mocked all those Mayan artifacts and masturbated over all those graves. In the end, stuff really picked up when he got possessed by a Olympian medalist and then impaled himself with a ski pole. Great effects! It was almost like he actually died.