THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
June 2, 2021
“Drink some water. I am concerned.” - Dionne Warwick, Six-Time Grammy Winner and Musical Legend
Volume XXVII Issue VII
If you’re reading this, who’s flying the plane?
Impossible Foods to Release “Horrifyingly Realistic” Human Meat
IN THIS ISSUE LOCAL MILF RISKS IT ALL AT RUBIO’S
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AREA MAN TO RESUME IN-PERSON CONVERSATION IN MID-JUNE
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THE MQ GOES OFF THE GRID
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VIDEO GAME JOURNALIST LEARNS TO JUMP DURING FINAL BOSS BATLLE
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LOCAL SENIOR PROCRASTINATES HAVING SENORITIS
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NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY JACK YANG “Impossible Flesh is great, but I kind of miss putting a real dude’s meat in my mouth,” remarked one customer. BY MATTHEW WARE Staff Writer
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ollowing their successful reproductions of ground beef and burger patties, Impossible Foods is launching their first attempt at a plant-based human meat. After high demand from bloodthirsty vegetarians and cannibals alike, Impossible Flesh will now be available at retailers nationwide. According to Patrick Brown, the CEO and founder of Impossible Foods, “this vegan analog for human flesh is more environmentally friendly and cuts down on the harmful greenhouse gas emissions released by traditional cultivation of human meat.” Brown’s announcement follows the release of a recent study conducted by the United Nations, which estimates that “50-65% of all methane emissions are related to human activity, and that
eliminating our consumption of human meat would use 96% less land and 87% less water.” “Humans are probably the most destructive and most invasive species on Earth,” says Brown. “Our demand for humans requires huge amounts of crops and water, which is just not sustainable for our growing population.” Brown explains that his company’s mock corpse product is also better for your health. “When you compare our product to the average unsuspecting American body, you’ll find that our meat has more protein, vitamins, calcium, fiber, and less fat, cholesterol, and hormones.” Some lucky influencers in the Los Angeles area were able to get their taste buds on the Impossible Flesh with the condition that they posted it on their social media. Ariana Grande, a prominent vegan activist since 2013, posted
a picture of herself with the product on her Instagram with the hashtags #SaveTheHumans and #DontEatHumans. Educational YouTuber Mark Rober posted a video with Irish economist and philanthropist Jonathan Swift trying an Impossible Flesh burger. “It’s not as tender as baby meat, ” said Swift, “but it’s still bloody delicious.” Impossible Foods has a team of scientists that conduct experiments to replicate the taste, and work tirelessly to do so. “You must understand that simplicity is sometimes the easiest way to go about things, ” says Dr. Hannibal Lecter, lead food scientist at Impossible Foods. “And for our Impossible Flesh, it’s all about the genetically engineered fava bean, the bean which has enough iron to give anything a bloody taste. Of course, it’s not as fun as murdering people, but if it’s the planet we care about, we have to put that first.”
Other companies have stated they will also get in on the trend. Beyond Meat, Soylent Corp., Tyson, and Gardein have all mentioned plans to come up with their own versions of the humanless meat. A Tyson spokesperson says they plan to start producing humanless, dinosaur shaped nuggets while Gardein representatives have mentioned plant-based Albert Fish Nuggets. Both companies hope to have their foods on school lunch menus beginning this fall for “Fleshless Fridays.” As more stores and restaurants start supplying Impossible Flesh, consider picking up a package of it for your next Donner “Reenactment” Party, National Jeffery Dahmer Day celebration, or even for your totally not creepy at all Sunday tradition of drinking the body and blood of Christ to live a more sustainable, savory, and safe lifestyle.
Student Spends Four Years Studying Sugar Production, Finally Granulates
SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG STICK: A GUIDE TO BECOMING THE WORLD’S BEST GOLF CADDY Horace Scope, locally-renowned golf caddy, has begun the press tour for his latest book on the delicate art of golf caddying. Ace of Clubs: Bringing a Poker Face onto the Golf Course presents, in Scope’s own words, “the opportunity to remind people that golfers don’t pull their own weight, or clubs.” “It was a cold, wintery morning when I first stepped onto the Denver Municipal Golf Course,” wrote Scope. “It took a team of a dozen snowmen five days to dig me out of the snow-filled sand trap
on hole 13.” These are just a few of the intrepid moments presented in this horrifyingly-long treatise on club-lugging. When Scope was asked about the low sales of his previous book, Not Everything Can Be a Holein-One: The Will to Keep Driving, he remarked “It’s just par for the course, authors rarely have success in the Denver Metropolitan area.” It may be for this reason that Scope has chosen to relocate to the golf-capital of the world: La Jolla, California.
TRADER JOE’S BAG BEGS FOR RECYCLING A paper bag recently used to carry one bottle of Chardonnay out of a Trader Joe’s is now resting under the sink in a local college student’s apartment. UCSD student and decidedly bad person Josephine Traighdére is “blissfully unaware” of the stack of aging grocery bags “crushing the life and soul” out of the recently purchased paper bag. Now folded up, the paper bag is “less than one millimeter of life” thick and “only longs to be recycled.” Once, this bag reportedly aspired to be a makeshift
recycling bin, imagining itself containing some glass bottles and cardboard packaging on its way to the next life (a bigger recycling bin). Such hopes were cut short when Traighdére didn’t want the cute Trader Joe’s cashier to think she was just buying alcohol. The paper bag would not have chosen to be the vessel of these boastful lies, but such events unfortunately come to be when one is an inanimate object devoid of agency. “Alas,” the paper bag would say, if it could speak.
THOUGHTS FROM THE HOSTESS TABLE PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA Kirby-Newkirk has been criticized for not double majoring in glucose and fructose, stopping him short of a disaccharide. BY ROBERT RENFRO
Assistant Content Editor fter four years of painstaking theoretical study of how sugar cane and sugar beets are grown and transformed into the refined saccharine product that fills basically all foods, UCSD senior
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Lyle Kirby-Newkirk has finally mastered the ins and outs of the sugar production process. He is now prepared to begin the procedure of removing molasses out of the product, thus creating what is widely known as granulated sugar. As word spread of his accomplishment,
there was rejoicing all over the world, and Kirby-Newkirk announced that he already has plans to celebrate his great feat. First, he says, “Commencement is the beginning — commencement of the granulation process, I mean, obviously. As we’ve been told over and
over, granulation is a separate event from commencement. Commencement is the formal act of recognizing that you are about to actually produce refined glucose and sucrose
See Granulates, page 2
LOCAL BAKERY RELEASES NEW PRODUCT
STICKMAN STUCK AT DEAD-END JOB
Described as“macawrong”
Has no exit strategy
After being in a pandemic, living in the darkness of my haunted house, and letting my once juicy, voluptuous buttocks decay into the folds of my bed, I have landed the coveted job of being a hostess at a brunch spot. Never in my life have I felt such power and authority. As a hostess, you are the face of the restaurant; the first person the guests interact with, the beholder of the waitlist. You wield your trusty iPad like a shield, defending yourself against wives and millennials who wish you harm due to the fact that you just said, “Hey welcome! How many in
your party? Two? So it looks like the wait is going to be about two hours. What’s the party name? Awesome, and a number we can text you at? Great, thank you, we will send you a text as soon as we have a table for ya.” They press on, “Well why can’t we be seated now, there are so many tables open,” but you never give in to their demands, you make them wait in the hot sun in anticipation for overpriced pancakes for as long you want, because you can ... and because the official California COVID-19 restaurant policy is a serious bitch.
See BRIEFS, page 11