THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“Guilt is for humans and mortals” -Keanu Reeves, Actor
Fastest punchline in the West
September 25, 2019
Freshman Convinced They Found Soulmate During Welcome Week
Volume XXVI Issue I
In This issue Stuart art collection unveils newest piece
bedroom confused for glassware show
Rich’s guide to college living
TrumP’s tariffs activate xi jinping’s trap card student plans to hit gym over summer; lasts a week
News in Brief “There’s just something so amazing about an 18-year-old who knows how to use chopsticks,” said Chessit. BY Hanaa Moosavi
irst-year Brittany Chessit recently got into a relationship after she met fellow first-year Frankie Illis at Pines dining hall and experienced what she described as “love at first sight at the stirfry section.” Chessit was reportedly searching UCSD’s campus for the best lunch spot where she could “hang with other pretty people and not look too unapproachable” when she ran into Illis. “I didn’t notice him at first because I was just trying to see what options were being offered for lunch, but when I saw that they didn’t have quinoa as a base, I turned to walk away and saw that curly brown hair. At that point, I couldn’t be bothered with stirfry,” Brittany said while twirling her hair between her
fingers. “I just, like, had to know him and talk to him. It was obviously my destiny to walk into Pines that day at that time and see him standing there. So I just marched up and put my hand down and introduced myself to him. If you are anything like me, confident and beautiful, then it really is not hard to introduce yourself and make an impression.” Illis also contacted reporters to speak on the encounter. “I think she said her name was Brittany? I was down at Pines trying to get a bite to eat because the boys in my dorm and I finally had a break from howling around campus. I know it’s weird, but our frat brother Richie told us that we should howl to assert our dominance and let the ladies know we’re in the area, so we kinda had to do it for the brotherhood.” Illis continued,
“I don’t really remember what she said after that, but she was hot, so I just invited her to join me back at the dorm with the boys. She didn’t end up coming, which was whatever ‘cause Richie told us that when we get officially initiated into the brotherhood, we’ll be swimming in girls that wanna hang.” “I mean like he totally asked me out that day,” said Chessit, “but I was with Christina and Patricia so like I totally couldn’t go with him. I mean I know I am super cool and it is really hard not to want to ask me out but I couldn’t just ditch the girls like that. After our shared three days in the Palace - that’s what we call our triple - we like totally have a blood bond with each other. What’s funny though is I didn’t see him after that. Like I told him about the girls and I turned to look at them and when I
PHOTO By jack yang
turned back, he was gone. I didn’t even get a chance to give him my Snap. And my bitmoji is like a spitting image of me so it’s ridiculously cute too!” Illis has expressed interest in other women since the encounter. “Yeah so I met Roni at our freshman seminar about planets and how music can actually change the way you see astronomy. She told me our star signs were compatible and she’s in a sorority, so I asked her out.” When asked about the Brittany endeavour, Illis responded, “Oh, Brittany? I saw her at Pines the other day and dated her for a little while. I think we like decided we were in love, but, I mean then I saw Roni talking about Jupiter so…” Chessit reportedly plans to eat at Pines for the next two weeks in hopes of meeting Illis again.
Area Woman Hauls Ass to Meet FitBit Step Goal
According to reports, O’Malley keeps all the donkeys in a pit affectionately known as her “ass hole.” By Sage Cristal
MQ Fairy Godmother
rea woman Zigi O’Malley held a press conference last Wednesday to commemorate the grand opening of her new donkey transport service. During the press conference, O’Malley shared her vision for the new business in a speech that some referred to as “moving.”
“The idea of a Donkey Carrier service came to me in a restless daydream. I was sitting on my couch watching TV when my FitBit told me it was time to haul ass and get my steps in for the day. Then it hit me! What better way is there to haul ass than to actually haul some ass? It was then that I started to create a business model for Ass
Local doctor adopts from rescue shelter Excited to bring her to human park
Transit,” said O’Malley. Since the grand opening, O’Malley reports gaining as many as 300 clients, as well as completing an upwards of 15,000 steps a day in delivering donkeys straight to the doors of those who need reliable transportation. O’Malley tells reporters that she was initially shocked by the widespread interest in Ass Transit and attrib-
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utes its success to the general public’s heightened interest in environmentally-friendly sources of transportation. Craig Calhuddy, a selfdescribed “active Ass Transit user,” told reporters, “We all know that cars are just horrible for the environment with
See Haul Ass page 2
Armed robber escapes bank heist Gives police the slip
Bowen Yang to Play Scarlett Johansson in Upcoming SNL Skit In a leaked NBC memo, it has been confirmed that Bowen Yang will be portraying Scarlett Johansson in a “Celebrity Family Feud” skit for the upcoming season 45 premiere of Saturday Night Live. “We’re so happy to finally have an Asian-American cast member so that we can properly represent members of the Asian-American community,” said showrunner Lorne Michaels, commenting on the leak. “We felt it was only fitting that we mark the occasion by having Bowen play the most prominent Asian-American of our time.”
Yang could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly muttering “baby steps” over and over to himself in his dressing room. Johansson was also unavailable for comment as she was reportedly auditioning for a part in a Hollywood adaptation of Romance of the Three Kingdoms. The leak also included information on Johansson’s teammates in the sketch, featuring Kate McKinnon as Awkwafina, host Woody Harrelson as John Cho, and a special appearance by Shane Gillis as Fu Manchu.
UCSD Student Says That He Will Travel the World During Summer Vacation, Does Nothing UCSD student Nathan Nix said that he regrets doing nothing over summer vacation after promising himself he would travel the world. “All my friends kept posting their vacation pics on Snapchat and Instagram,” states Nix. “I wanted a piece of the action too, but I just ended up sitting alone at home Netflix and chillin’ all day, minus the chill.” Nix admitted that these posts drove him wild with jealousy and made him question if there was any excitement or adventure in his life, yet still he chose not to leave his living room couch, let alone the country.
After deciding that social media portrays a false narrative of people’s lives, Nix contemplated using Photoshop to construct a photo of himself at a random tourist destination. “I mean, let’s be real. In the end, it’s not really about where you go, it’s about where other people think you’ve gone and how you can make them feel bad about eating an entire bag of cheese puffs in one sitting, which I would never do.” However, Nix decided that creating a realistic photo in Photoshop was beyond his abilities.
Brazilian President Denies Knowledge of Any Amazon Fire Jair Bolsonaro, President of Brazil, has denied that there ever was an Amazonian fire and claims it was another attack of “Fake News” of liberal media. In an official statement, President Bolsonaro stated, “There was never a fire in the Amazon. This is a fake fact, or news as you Americans call it. If I was behind a fire in the Amazon you would not be able to save it.” The President excused himself and drove off in the presidential car, stocked with multiple jerry cans. Eyewitnesses in the area report he stated, “Eu deveria ter usado mais gasolina na primeira vez” as he drove away into the jungle.
A crew of firefighters reported that there was a blaze despite what the President stated, but had their water privileges removed a week prior. A government statement cited the water was being purified for the next Olympics, coming in an undisclosed year. Franscisco Silva, a junior firefighter reported, “They said no water, so we asked for flame retardant. They handed us gasolina.” The UN has stepped in to intervene with the fire and is currently explaining to the government that the Olympics will never take place in Brazil again.
See BRIEFS, page 11
September 25, 2019
Study Fails to Find Evidence That Succulents Add Personality to Dorm Rooms
continued from page 1:
their fossil fuel emissions. But it wasn’t until recently that I learned about the harming effects of bicycle riding. A segment from NPR said that riding your bike for an hour a day creates more than 50 pounds of carbon dioxide waste from exhalation alone, which contributes towards global warming. That’s why I almost exclusively use Ass Transit. Riding a donkey is just so much more practical for the 21st century. Now I can happily say that I don’t get gas, and that I solely ride ass.” Local conservationists have yet to determine the environmental hazards that Ass Transit poses, since the service only began a week ago. However, animal rights activists have voiced their criticisms of Ass Transit’s business practices. Melanie Wedlow, a representative from the World Wildlife Foundation contacted reporters to share her concerns for the widespread use of Ass Transit.
Weldlow said at a press conference on Friday, “Sure, Ass Transit may be beneficial for reducing our carbon footprint, but we are forgetting the other beings that make up our environment. In the past decade donkeys have been used primarily in impoverished countries as a way to carry cargo over long distances. However, there are way more packages in this world than there are asses who can compensate for them. Now we are facing the problem of improper breeding practices whose goal is to erect as many asses possible. It’s wholly inappropriate.” Despite naysayers, O’Malley said she hopes to continue to expand Ass Transit so she can provide asses to more people. “It’s funny,” said O’Malley, “The other day I stopped in the middle of a route and reached for a jack. That’s when I laughed at myself and realized why Ass Transit is so successful. I don’t need a jack. I’ve got all of this ass, but it won’t go flat!”
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The companion study researching whether adding a human to a garden of succulents gave it personality was inconclusive. By Stephen Lightfoot
Foreign Correspondent irst-years across the world were stunned after the results of a recent study from New York University revealed that there is no correlation between personality depth and the presence of succulent plants in one’s room. The study, which took place over three and a half years, was conducted by a large interdisciplinary team of graduate and postgraduate students from the visual arts, communications, and sociology departments of NYU. “This result is obviously not what we expected,” explained Paula Stern, the head researcher of the study. “I think that nearly everyone on my team is shocked, mainly because it’s something that
everyone accepted as the truth for so long. We figured we would get some variation in the results depending on which succulents were used in what locations, but it turns out that no matter what type of succulent you have, and no matter where you put it, you end up with no additional individuality or uniqueness. The theory has been proposed before, but the consensus was it was too outlandish to be true, like String Theory.” Researchers in the study examined multiple variables, including location, room size, and occupants, trying to isolate the effect of succulents on personality, but no positive conclusions could be made. “It was saddening at first,” one researcher stated. “We kept thinking, ‘Okay, well this
variable didn’t react the way we thought it would, maybe it will for the next one.’ But then it just kept going and going, and everything kept coming back with no correlation. They actually had to set up a workplace therapy booth to keep morale up, it was heartbreaking.” Another researcher, while sad, felt that the results were somewhat expected, explaining, “Personality is really unique to every person, so it was difficult to quantify that sort of ‘je ne sais quoi’ that comes with every one of us. Though, looking back on it, maybe we cast too wide of a net. Turns out it’s really hard to measure a variable that has no scale.” Despite this setback, researchers are still determined to widen the field of interior
design-based research. The Live Laugh Love Institute, a design think tank based in Illinois, has promised $1.25 million in grant money for additional research. “We were waiting for the results of this study for quite some time, and like many, we’re disappointed with the results,” a representative said in a press conference held on Monday. “But we have to look at the bigger picture. This was a fantastic team effort from everyone involved, and just the start of the type of research we want to pursue. As such, today, we’re announcing new research grants based around fairy lights and tapestries for researchers who are willing to take on the challenge, and fudge the numbers in our favor this time.”
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Editor-in-Chief..............................Jay Noonan Managing Editor......................Dan Kaliblotzky Content Editor............................Steven Zhou Content Editor.......................Dexter Hamilton Design Editor.............................Miranda May Design Editor.............................Natalia Nenn
Graphics Editor..............................Jack Yang Copy Editor.............................Adian Valdez
Social/Publicity Chair..............Andrew Sitko Distribution Captain..............Adam Yoshinaga Foreign Correspondent.......Stephen Lightfoot
MQ Fairy Godmother...................Sage Cristal MQ Trophy Husband......David Vereau-Gorbitz MQ Bumbling Dad.............................Chris Jin MQ Indecisive Relative..................Jessica Ma Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne
New to the modeling business.
Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.
The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2019 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I want to thank everyone who came out to make this possible, I know that the first production is always hard because we’re short staffed and a little out of it from the summer. But we pulled it together and did great. I especially want to thank Jack for tackling the graphics challenge. I want to thank Miranda and Andrew for contributing some awesome comics. I also want to thank the staff writers who showed up to join in the experience, it’s always more fun with more friends. And despite the amount of time expanding our minecraft server, everyone here was engaged and willing to contribute their best content. I look forward to the rest of the year and to a great paper. Let’s make this a great year for the MQ - Jay
Adriana Aguilar Katlyn Andrade Isaac Canada Valeria Castro Ethan Coston Melina Cruz Aniela Drumonde Tiffany Hamilton
Rowan HernandezCosme Jan Hsiao Daniel Kupor Heather Lim Matthew Miltimore Keshav Mittal Hanaa Moosavi
Elizabeth Niculescu Avaneesh Pentaparthy Massimo Quintero Robert Renfro Sharon Roth Isabelle Rupani Luis Alex Sanche
Pilan Scruggs Ronak Shah Vanessa Tian Quoc Tran Sarah Wernher Kate Zegans
Booster Club Our first production is over, and so is my desire to eat any more Cheez Its (at least until next production), thanks to the generous contributions by a certain Chris Jin. Thanks to Miranda for contributing her monopoly money and being a sunburn first responder, and to Adian for contributing to our Oreo collection. Congrats to Jay, and another congratulations for Sage for buying the cake and ice cream to congratulate Jay. Thanks to Haley for the candy. We spent some time with a load of snickers today, and hopefully you’re doing the same reading this issue!
September 25, 2019
VMAs Announce New “Urban Music” Category to “Celebrate Diversity”
PHOTO By jack yang
The committee ultimately decided that Eminem wouldn’t be a part of the section due to his “clearly suburban haircut.” By Steven Zhou Content Editor
fter their controversial decision to separate artists from Korea into a separate K-pop category for awards purposes, MTV executives are prepared to continue this trend by adding a “Urban Music” award. MTV President Chris McCarthy stated that he believes this decision will improve the fairness of the awards ceremony by ensuring an even playing field for white artists. “Let’s face it, no one wants to see a black, asian, or latino person winning any of our flagship awards. What’s worse is these people are breaking records by actually creating good music that isn’t the overproduced crap
we like.” When asked if these policies could be construed as discriminatory, McCarthy replied, “Some people will inevitably call us racist and out of touch, but we’re just making sure our awards are being represented by real Americans that look like me.” Boy band BTS and pop singer Halsey have expressed concern over the creation of the new category. “I don’t understand why I got nominated for the more general awards and BTS got shunted to the K-pop awards,” shared Halsey. “These guys outsold the Jonas Brothers and Panic! At the Disco for crying out loud, and all the nominators think is, ‘Whoa, Asians!’ If even Beyoncé can’t get nominated for these other awards
in the future, the VMAs can go screw themselves.” Luis Fonsi, the artist behind “Despacito,” also shared his frustration with the creation of the new genre. “My music video is literally the most watched video in YouTube history, and I still got put in the Latin category instead of any of the others, just because I sing in Spanish. If this keeps going on, all the VMAs are going to have left are pasty country singers.” In response to these artists’ comments, McCarthy insisted that they didn’t understand what they were saying. “They just don’t understand how we do things here. Maybe it’s the language barrier.” McCarthy was reportedly confused when informed that the artists
already spoke English and that people from other parts of the world could learn the language. MTV is faces a large backlash against their “Urban Music” category, with the hashtag #vmassholes trending on Twitter. Many experts are reportedly predicting this outrage will be financially devastating for the company in the long run, with their stock value plummeting to record lows over the past week. However, one anonymous influencer believes this will be a temporary setback. “A goldfish has a longer memory than these airheads. Give it a month and these people will be moving on to the next big thing, like a Trump tweet or something. God, why do I work with these people?”
Stuart Art Collection Unveils Newest Piece to Upset Students
Augin and Carry commented that it was meant as a reminder that “there’s always time to be an inconvenience.” By Jay Noonan
Editor-In-Chief ast Tuesday morning, university officials were pleased to unveil the newest addition to the Stuart Collection. Constructed in the center of library walk, a massive clock tower made to resemble the iconic “Big Ben” of London was erected as an homage to the iconic symbol. It was given the name “Big Triton” by the designers Pugustus Augin and Bharles Carry. While the university was eager to show off the newest piece of artwork, many students appeared to be less than impressed. Casey Moore, a third-year student from Sixth College, told reporters, “It just doesn’t seem necessary, you know? They blocked off a massive portion of library walk while they were building the thing. And even now that it’s done, it still takes
up most of the walkway. It’s causing an awful traffic jam when students are just trying to get to class so now the most efficient route to class requires me to scale the monstrosity and I just don’t have the upper body strength.” Another student, John Glen, commented that it was “an eyesore,” a “crime against good architecture,” and “painfully European.” Glen also told reporters that Big Triton was reminiscent of the blinking tower that had been installed in Revelle, known as What Hath God Wrought. “At least that one looks cool. That sleek design is eye catching and makes a nice conversation starter. This abomination is just clunky and unnecessary. And it’s redundant, Geisel already chimes at the hour, so now when noon hits my eardrums are assaulted with various bells, bings, and bongs.”
Students have told reporters that when these complaints were brought up with administration, they were dismissed with “a wave of a hand and an offhand comment about how some people just don’t get modern art.” In a press conference Tuesday evening, Khosla told reporters, “I know art and this is art! It’s tall, and expensive, and totally in your face! Art should make a statement, and although I’m not sure what this piece is saying, I know it’s definitely saying something!” When asked to reveal the cost of building Big Triton Khosla refused any further comment, though he could be heard mumbling something about another tuition hike if complaints kept coming in. Despite complaints, university officials state that Big Triton will not be going anywhere anytime soon. Ad-
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ministration advises that students pass single file around the perimeter when moving through Library Walk. Professors have reached out to officials, saying reports of tardiness have been increasing with students blaming the clock for their lateness. One anonymous student wrote in to reporters saying, “What’s the point of installing a clock if it won’t even give us the right time? I get that it’s mimicking that clock in England, but did they really have to set it to that timezone too? It’s hard enough to try to even remember when my classes are, it doesn’t help when I look at the clock and panic because I thought I missed my class. If I fail this quarter for having too many absences, I blame Big Bass or whatever the fuck it’s called.”
Baby Boomers’ Take on the Impacts of War
BY ANDREW SITKO
September 25, 2019
Democratic Candidates Prepare For 2020 Election by “Practicing Civility and Respect”
Newspaper Alumnus Writes Article to Convince Herself That Her Youth Hasn’t Disappeared
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Hanrahan remarked that the paper is not as absorbent as she remembered. By Brie Hanrahan Staff Writer
I PHOTO By jack yang
Glitter from the valentine is projected to last in the Oval Office for three more terms. Dexter Hamilton
ome candidates in the 2020 Democratic primary have reportedly decided to strategize against the current president by employing a method of political discourse centered on being the polar opposite of President Trump. United States political discourse often revolves around basic human rights issues and fundamental beliefs about how the country should be ran. Approaches to discussing these issues have varied throughout history, with prevailing strategies including friendly discussions, spirited debates, and in the most extreme cases, “yo mama” insult contests. A peek into the preparation room of democratic candidate Tulsi Gabbard revealed practice strategies such as ‘When you say blank I feel blank’ form statements, and exhaustive lists of positive characteristics of both the president, and the aver-
age voter from red states. The strategist from this campaign described this plan as the “sensible centrist approach.” Current frontrunner Joe Biden said, “I think where we went wrong in 2016 was not showing our opponent enough civility. Instead, we made voters feel uncomfortable, and ultimately scared them away from coming in to vote on election day. We need to display a contrast to the president by treating him with respect. Back in my day, we worked together in government, and really what this country needs is to go back about 40 years. It’s time to buy a copy of ‘All You Need is Love’ for every teen to groove to on their record players.” Biden was given more time to speak, but his campaign manager quickly ushered him away, saying, “Good job, Joe. You did great. Go on vocal rest now. It will be best for everyone.” Biden went on to discuss some of his plans for debate preparation should he be
nominated for the general election. “I want to be ready to reform any attacks on myself or disenfranchised groups into respect for the president and people who voted for him. We need to earn those votes back, and saying that racist and sexist attacks are unacceptable will cause more harm than good. Why focus on affirming groups that already tend to vote for us when we can appease xenophobic remarks to try to win the votes of southern racists? ” Candidate and senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar, expressed similar views. In a recent debate, she discussed wanting to represent “all of America.” In a post debate interview Klobuchar stated, “We need to be careful, and make sure we’re conservative enough in our policies, while showing kindness to everyone across the country, regardless of whether or not they think minorities should have access to basic human rights. That’s their personal belief, and not
the realm of government.” Meanwhile, throughout the primary process, and particularly during debates, the president has been noticed making commentary on Twitter. One tweet stated: “These people will take everything away from you, but I have your back, as long as you do things the white way.” White House spokespeople claimed that the president intended to say right, but the president repeated the exact line over eight consecutive rallies and speeches. His supporters continued to express the belief that “right and white sound pretty similar, so it was probably like, kind of an accident. Not the worst thing he’s ever done, am I right? Probably best to ignore.” Another tweet said: “Look at this stage. These people do not look like presidents, one is gay, some are women, and some aren’t white, and we definetely don’t want to do that again.”
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n an unusual turn of events for local satire paper the John Semesterly (JS), 31 year-old JS alumnus Brie Hanrahan volunteered last Sunday to write an article for the paper, her first since she graduated from UCSD in 2010. According to JS staff writer Peter Swinton, Hanrahan responded to a post in the paper’s Facebook group calling for article ideas, pitching the headline, “JS Alumnus Writes Article in Bid to Convince Herself that Her Youth Hasn’t Disappeared”. After receiving a positive response, Hanrahan reportedly grew excited and spent the rest of her evening posting party photos from 2007 to 2009, eventually leading to a panic attack induced by the gradual realization of her own mortality and the fact that a significant portion of her life was already behind her. “None of us were sure who she was, but she seemed really excited about writing the article,” Swinton commented. “Then she started trying to use ‘yeet’ and ‘fire’ as a joke, and posted like five hundred old photos from her college years. We’re just kind of hoping that if we let her write this article then she’ll leave us alone. She’s started messaging some of us asking if we want to hang out and we’re kind of worried that she’s actually going to drive down here from Oakland.”
When approached for comment, Hanrahan reportedly claimed that she was secure in her age and just thought that writing an article would be a fun way to reconnect with her past. “It’s not like I don’t enjoy my thirties,” Hanrahan said, gesturing to the four footwide desk where she spends most of her time. “The office has snacks in the kitchen, and I can take time off when I’m sick. Or, well, I can work from home.” Hanrahan paused after saying this, staring at the concrete pillar next to her desk for five minutes before continuing,“It’s fine.” Submitting articles for a newspaper to which she has not contributed in a decade isn’t the only way that Hanrahan is maintaining her youthful outlook. Sources close to her say that she can frequently be found jogging, maintaining a healthy credit score, and sobbing in front of a mirror screaming, “That’s not me. Please. That can’t be me. No one told me that it would be like this.” When asked about her plans for the future, Hanrahan reportedly looked afraid. “Articles. More articles. If this JS is anything like the JS I know, every production weekend is a scramble for content. I’ll keep writing. Nothing has to change. Nothing has to end. I’m still funny. Please let me stay here, please let something last. Something. Anything. I don’t want to die.”
Similarities Between Your Housing Guarantee and a Committed Relationship 10. They end with moving back in with your parents 9. You have to sleep on the couch 8. They’re both why you have trust issues today 7. You’d lose half your friends if you backed out now 6. You’re technically not allowed to open other people’s mail, but you do anyways 5. The movies made it sound a lot more exciting 4. You don’t really understand why, but you need your parents’ approval 3. Your roommate doesn’t like it if you bring someone else over 2. The bathroom is filled to the brim with toiletries that aren’t yours 1. There’s a lot more eating out than you budgeted for Satire you can feel in the morning
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September 25, 2019
Freshman Shocked to Discover Nobody Cares About His AP Scores
PHOTO By jack yang
“You think I can use my five on the AP Stats test for anything other than bragging rights?” asked Shultz. “I paid too much for it to be ‘elective credit only.’” By Steven Zhou
uir College freshman Derek Schultz has recently expressed concern that nobody he has met at UCSD has praised him for scoring highly on all of his AP exams in high school. Schultz estimated that prior to entering college, he would receive three to four daily compliments from his parents and teachers about his ability to handle a tough academic curriculum with his lacrosse schedule. “People used to say I was a unique and bright boy who was going to accomplish big things in life,” shared Schultz in an interview. “At UCSD,
no one gives a damn. The other day, I tried to tell my RA that I managed to get an A in Mr. Johnson’s AP Chemistry class, the hardest class at my high school, but she didn’t even bat an eye. Do people here not know I’m special or something? Nobody will even let me tell them my SAT score.” The RA later shared that she was in the middle of writing an abstract for her research in microbiology, and was too consumed in her work to reply to Schultz. Schultz shared that the general apathy regarding his high school activities also extended beyond his academics. “I tried telling my professor today that I was
the secretary for my school’s Key Club and clocked in 70 hours of volunteering to get a distinction on my high school diploma. He laughed at my face and said ‘good luck kiddo.’ I don’t get what his deal was. Don’t people care about service here on this campus? My college counselors told me it was an important life skill to have for college.” Fed up with the lack of commendations to his high school achievements, Schultz has started a support group with other freshmen who have had similar experiences. One student is reportedly “emotionally broken” from discovering that his roommate from Oklahoma did
not know his high school was considered a “STEM oriented magnet school that attracts only the best students in the Modesto metropolitan area of California.” While his new group has helped assuage some of Schultz’s discomfort with the university’s indifference towards his high school successes, he is still worried about how he will handle this issue if it does not cease in the future. “For my whole life, my parents have told me people will recognize me as long as I put in the effort. All my hard work studying for AP exams in high school couldn’t have been for nothing. People have to care, right? Right!?”
UCSD Student’s Bedroom Confused for Glassware Antique Show
POINT How Hard Can This Premed Thing Be? By Joseph Neuron
Incoming Freshman ook, I know I’m only going into my first year, but how hard can Premed really be? Like, there’s not even a specific major for it, anyone can be Premed if they say that they are. I’m just gonna major in something easy like General Bio or something and then just take the MCAT and hope for the best. If I apply to enough med schools, I’m bound to get into one of them. And with everyone complaining about O-chem, I just don’t get it! It’s just chemistry about organic things, which is basically just bio and everyone knows that’s the easiest science. Like, sure it probably isn’t an easy class, but if everyone fails then the curve is gonna be awesome. It’s not even an upper div anymore, so I’m totally not worried. Besides, how hard can it really be? You just cram as
much as you can right before the test anyway. It’s not like people actually spend all of college studying for it, right? And I’m sure I remember enough just from high school Bio that I won’t even need to study that much, these are just GEs. I was practically a straight B student all throughout high school. Doesn’t everyone say that C’s get degrees? All you have to remember is that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell and you’ll be set up for an A. How hard can it be to pass a class about a cell?
COUNTERPOINT I Switched Majors Three Weeks Into my Freshman Year Joseph Neuron
3 Weeks Into The Quarter
may have made a mistake. No one told me these classes were actually going to be hard! Who cares about stuff like enzymes and osmosis anyway! I thought BILD 1 was supposed to be easy, it’s just on the cell. How much more simple can you get? I don’t understand why I can’t just cram before the test and be fine. Whatever, I didn’t even want to be Premed anyway. I think I’m just going to change majors to Communications or something. It’s just based on social science, so it’s not even a real science anyway. Plus it’s not going to make me know any useless info about electron transporters, who even cares about that kind of stuff anyway? It’s not like I’m actually going to need to know that kind of thing for a job. I bet even Premed students
don’t actually care, they just have to be able to parrot it on the test like everyone else. And now that we have the internet, people can just look up anything they don’t already know. I bet that’s how everyone else is passing this class too. Anyway, now that I don’t need to study, I’m gonna go hit up Rimac. I’ve been skipping leg day but now that we’re gonna be a D1 school I really have something important to focus on.
PHOTO By Jay noonan
One of the plates pictured was taken for further inspection after scientists found a culture on it dating back to 2013. By Dan Kaliblotzky Managing Editor
aylor Fetner, a 20-yearold UCSD student, came to his La Jolla Palms apartment last Wednesday to find a group of people browsing through various items in his room. They had reportedly come due to rumors of an antique glassware and ceramic showcase in the area. Fetner’s room, displaying 25 glasses, five 80s movie-themed mugs, 10 medium floral patterned plates, and a “vase,” fit the description, according to those keeping up with the La Jolla glassware market. “I was absolutely enamored by the plates offered by the Fetner collection,” said Ernest Weatherton, president of the California Ceramic Connoisseur Collective. “I was particularly drawn to a mac-and-cheese-stained,
square-shaped piece that appeared to be decorated by a child at a ceramic-painting establishment. It was a crude drawing of a stick figure holding the stick-figure hand of a taller figure with exaggerated eyelashes represented by simplistic lines. The amount of genre-breaking ideas and psychedelic drugs I’m sure went into conceptualizing a piece this unique is beyond my imagination. I never would have thought to represent humans in this form in my own work.” Other attendants of the gathering were less impressed by the selection. Christian Martinson, La Jolla’s self-proclaimed Leading Festive Mug Owner, judged the mugs as a “pathetic display of Target value pack bullshit.” Martinson also remarked, “All I want is the ‘83 special edition first print Return of the Jedi mug, but nobody in this wasteland
of a city even knows about it! How could someone call this place an exhibition if there’s not even one green-rarity ceramic mug in the place?” “I never called this place an exhibition,” commented Fetner. He had spent most of the day at a friend’s house “admiring their glassware” when the congregation of glass enthusiasts appeared in his room. Fetner reportedly did not know he was organizing a glass and ceramic marketplace for the greater La Jolla area, but “went with it” when he arrived. “Listen, I’m a little short on cash, and I didn’t want to clean the dishes anyways. Most of this stuff is mine, so it just seemed like extra effort to carry it all the way back to the kitchen. And my mom didn’t notice when I took the plates from home, so she won’t notice when random people take it from
my apartment.” Liam Davison, Fetner’s roommate, organized the event. “You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve asked Taylor to bring the cups back to the kitchen. He keeps using new glasses just to take water back to his room, and now he doesn’t even put his laptop on his desk because there’s no space. I don’t know if he’s practicing some kind of glass harmonica talent show or if he’s just lazy, but I’m sick of this.” At the end of the event, most customers left the room, but several new items were left by others in the apartment complex with an excess of glassware that they intended to sell, Fetner was last seen asleep on the living room couch, his own bed covered in Pickle Rick glass pipes adorned with $15 price stickers.
Death By A Thousand Paper Cuts
BY Miranda May
September 25, 2019
Rich’s Guide to College L How to Get Food Using Less Money and Effort
A separate Kindle for each textbook
Audit your friend who made $100 on DoorDash and steal his food when he goes to federal prison
If you’re having a 12-course meal, you don’t need to eat anything else that day Charge it to the credit card Daddy thinks you don’t have access to
A bag of orega told you w
Buy caviar in bulk
Things to C Your B
Stories From Our College Days
I called in some of my associates to share their college experiences with you, and offer some examples of how to deal with typical college issues.
Any wealthy child of God could learn from my traumatic experience taking the first Mid-Terme of my academic career. I stepped into the lecture ballroom and was stunned, my private tutor had not prepared me for the fullness of the seating arrangements. There was no placard indicating my position, but rather an ungraceful notification on the “Triton Education” website. I was in a crude foldout chair named after donor “C-14”. It was probably some ethnic name, though I can’t imagine how an immigrant could have amassed such wealth to donate significant sums to a prestigious university. After this horrendous treatment of myself, the inheritor of the American Flag Cargo Shorts Co., I fainted from pure disgust. When I awoke, I had been relieved of the CHEM 6A course, as my mother had called some influential people and assured my grade would be an A for this Quartre. By Williamsbottom Smithingtogne, Peacock Breeder
College was sor was the w even take my Benjamins to Like, I’ve see act like you d Anyway, I jus write the fin Professor Peterson! I got my dip I didn’t graduate cum laude (bu and gown, so that’s gotta count now I’m working at a sweet inte probably got rejected from. I’m I’m so sick of my coworkers telli really pays to have your dad be t in three countries.
By Ashlynn Jasmine McMillon, H
September 25, 2019
College can be hard! From stressful classes to finding somewhere to park your three cars, it can be a real nuisance. With my guidance, you’ll have all the financial know-how you could ever need, as I’ll show you how to survive the super-hard transition from Daddy’s mansion to your La Jolla beachside villa that Daddy rented for you after you saw a horrifying dirty dish in your dorm. --Richard Affluentin, Person of Wealth
A gold-plated I-clicker A spare pair of embroidered underwear
ano a third-year was weed
Side Hustles to Pad Your Bank Account Open a zoo with all your exotic pets for a steady cash flow
Start a vlog series about your daily struggles on a $75,000 allowance Investing is an easy way to make money (as long as you don’t invest your own money) Get elected to a public office and abuse it to the fullest
Carry In Bag
awful! My writing profesworst, though. She wouldn’t y crisp o help me pass the class! en your shoes, bitch. Don’t don’t need the money. st paid my roommate to nal paper for me, so suck it, ploma anyways, even though t I did have cum on my cap for something). Anyways, ernship at Facebook that you getting promoted soon, too. ing me what to do. I guess it the president of companies
Some people have no respect! First the university disrespects my family by expecting me to live on campus in dormitories like some middle class degenerate. On top of that, there were no single rooms left by the time I caved in and had my nanny fill out my housing paperwork, so she had the nerve to sign up for a triple! Of course, this just wouldn’t do. I tried to be nice, I offered each of them a full month’s rent if they would move out, but only one person took my very generous offer. It’s no matter, my family’s lawyers are looking to purchase the whole building now and I can simply remove them once the contract is signed. I tried to give them a chance and act out of the goodness of my heart. Some cretin from the Residential Life Administration had the nerve to evict me, claiming that my nanny, chef, and personal assistant violated their guest policy. By Archibald Kowalski IV, The Fourth
I still remember my first day on a college campus. I walked into the transportation offices and politely asked for parking permits for each of my cars. One would have thought they could easily fulfill my request, but for some godforsaken reason they refused to give me any more than one. Imagine that, having to choose which of your eight cars to take with you to school! I couldn’t even have a different car for each weekday. It took me a while to get used to not having McLaren Monday anymore, but I eventually managed with just the Lamborghini. If I can make it through that, you can manage having the same brand of ramen everyday, it’s pretty much the same. By Mason Maserati, Car Connoisseur
September 25, 2019
Move-In Day Fiasco Leaves Student Swearing Off On-Campus Housing
EDITORIAL Foot Fetishist Reviews Quentin Tarantino’s “Once Upon A Time In Hollywood”
By Westin Toetino
New Movie Critic arantino’s ninth film, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is a love letter to the glory days of the movie industry, back when actors were renowned, and stories mattered. It was a glorious awakening from the drall, redundant superhero films or the soulless remakes of animated classics. Almost every aspect of this film was a splash of relief, reaffirming why I became a movie critic in the first place. A stunning narrative, beautiful acting, with twists and turns without any warning! It was the perfect movie for this summer and for viewers that love movies, but as for myself and the rest of us foot appreciators, we were let down by Mr. Tarantino’s lack of adventure with sexual exploration of the feet. Now don’t get me wrong, there were amazing shots of feet throughout this entire film. From Margaret Qualley’s dirty, filthy feet squished against the windshield, Margot Robbie’s clean, petite, pampered soles raised in the theater, to Dakota Fanning and the rest of the Manson girls’ plethora of naked dusty tootsies all over the ranch. These beautiful gifts
“Guys, we should make shirts,” Rivers said, as his roommates avoided eye contact. By Hanaa Moosavi
fter another year of working to find the perfect Move-In Day formula, Muir housing made the mistake of switching freshman Johnny Rivers and Elliot Kalakis’ room assignments for early move-in. New Triton Johnny Rivers spent the entire first few nights of on-campus living in an entirely different dorm than the one he was assigned. “I swear, when they handed me the key and told me that I would be in Tamarack instead of Tuolumne, I took it as a blessing. I mean, all my friends said that that was the best building in Muir,” Rivers told reporters when asked about the mix-
up. “It definitely set off red flags when other students kept calling me Elliot, but I just chalked it up to a funny joke that was like some type of UCSD tradition.” After a whole night masquerading as Elliot Kalakis, Rivers decided to call his parents and ask for their opinions. “It was hilarious; I picked up the phone and listened to Johnny’s conversation with mom and couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” Crystal Rivers, 15, confessed when asked about the situation, “he was so confused and thought the entire dorm was hazing him even though they were all freshmen just like him. What was he thinking?” Rivers’ parents reportedly gave Muir
housing staff a “piece of their minds” when they figured out exactly what had happened to their son on Move-in Day. “Listen, if your parents are going to come with you to Move-In Day, stand with you and watch them tell you the wrong dorm room while handing you a key, and still go along with it, then technically they are just as at fault as we were. I mean, they yelled at us for a good two hours, and I had a second dorm meeting to get to. Those are important you know, helps acclimate the other students to dorm life. I could not afford to be late.” Francis Blummen is a third year student employee working as one of the Tamarack residential advisors. When
PHOTO By jack yang
the Rivers called UCSD Muir staff, they were transferred to her line seeing as she was the advisor to Johnny River’s accidental dorm. Rivers was quickly transferred to the correct housing assignment within the hour at the end of the phone call. Kalakis was informed of the fiasco and said he was grateful to have managed to avoid it entirely. He was slated for a regular move in time and would not have been on campus until five days after Rivers came. Muir staff has made sure to up their certainty when handing keys to students with a new policy of double checking IDs, and asking for the names of students rather than guessing.
from the esteemed filmmaker were a welcome one to me, but Quentin had a chance to wow us with this experimental film and fell flat. We’ve seen feet in the Tarantino films before. Uma Thurman in both Kill Bill and Pulp Fiction, Pam Grier for Jackie Brown and of course Diane Kruger’s “sole” role in Inglourious Basterds. While Once Upon a Time in Hollywood does bring upon an entire cast of feet and many more scenes than the other movies combined, plethora does not equal ambition. The foot fetish community is tired of the same boring shots of women’s toes, arches, and heels. We are in need of a daring director to bring us the scenes we so desperately need. The respectable people of this community deserve more than a tease of feet, we deserve events being shown on film, from kissing feet to animating them in a blockbuster studio where anthropomorphic feet live in a utopian society and things go wacky when a strange, but wacky character arrives on scene. While Tarantino’s Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is a beautiful convergence of impressive storytelling, masterful acting, character synergy, and dynamic setting, it falls short on the most important issue of them all: foot representation. Tarantino has one movie left before retiring and if he doesn’t deliver a fifteen minute long foot worship scene in the next film, the foot fetish civil rights movement will be all for naught.
Local Gamer Returns to Neglected Minecraft Server to Find Ongoing Race War
PHOTO By Jack yAng
“It’s all about the framing,” said one pillager analyst on the above image. “What you don’t see here is the years and years of marginalization.” By Sage Cristal
MQ Fairy Godmother
ocal gamer Niko Cambrara contacted authorities late last Saturday to report a hate crime that took place on his Minecraft server. In a police report released to the public, Cambrara stated that after getting home from work at UCSD’s HDH offices, he logged on to his singleplayer Minecraft world which he had not been on in over three years. Once inside the realm, Cambrara noticed that there was something wrong with the wood cabin he had built in a swamp biome. Cambrara reportedly found the floor in his cabin covered in blood. Cambrara sent a video to reporters the following morning in which he describes the
hate crime in detail. “I loaded my chunks, and I couldn’t tell if the floor in my house was covered in blood or redstone dust. But it was pretty clear once I looked outside my window and saw a burning cross of netherrack that this was no laughing matter. That’s when I saw them: the Pillagers, who were actively slaughtering the Villagers whom I loved and cared for all those years. It was horrifying.” Cambrara said that although shaken up by the hateful acts, he is no stranger to violence. “In the time I took off from Minecraft, I picked up other games. I’ve played Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, as well as Borderlands 3 and Wolfenstien: Youngblood. All of those games have violence.
Hell, even Super Mario Maker 2 showed humans curbstomping Goombas. But I didn’t ever expect to find that in Minecraft.” Reporters followed up Cambrara’s statement with questions surrounding the ongoing race war that is taking place in the United States at this moment in time. Cambrara told reporters, “I don’t know anything about a race war here in the States. I’m white, and nobody has ever attacked me for that. I think the more important issue here is the political unrest that is taking place on my personal Minecraft server. I doubt anyone would really understand the oppression that Steves and Alexes are feeling in the aftermath of this violent crime.”
The lead detective investigating Cambrara’s claims held a press conference this morning to address public concerns of fear and vulnerability. Detective Harry Crench told reporters, “Since being contacted by Niko Cambrara, we are looking into a possible race war that exists between Villagers and so called “Illagers.” Through my research, I have found that Illagers are a recent phenomenon who are exceptionally violent towards Villagers and Playing Characters. Until we speak with Mojang directly, I recommend setting your game to Peaceful Mode and staying a safe distance away from any hostile mobs.”
“You’ll Float Down Here Too”
BY Adian ValdeZ & Miranda May
Struggling to accomplish the feat of reaching the count that is required of us for number of words since 1988
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
September 25, 2019
Amish Communities Rally Behind Andrew Yang to Fight Wave of Automation
EDITORIAL This Little Piggy Went to a Frat Party, This Little Piggy Has a Bloody Nose Because Becky Offered Her Cocaine…
By Martha Christianson Failed Parent
H PHOTO By jack yang
“Aren’t we glad our fragile human flesh is not being pierced by rocks, fellow human women?” asked the metallic Amish woman. By Jack Yang
emocratic candidate Andrew Yang’s potential looks promising, having earned the backing of America’s prominent Amish community with his bold stance against the “advance of automation.” A Silicon Valley veteran, Yang brings attention to the growth of self-driving cars, automated assembly lines, and delivery drones; all of which reportedly threaten to eliminate American jobs. While his beliefs have put him at odds with his fellow tech entrepreneurs, Yang has found near unanimous support from agricultural communities throughout Pennsylvania and Ohio. Constituents in Middlebury, Indiana came out to show their support of Yang last week, hosting a small festival
to receive the presidential candidate during his stop on the campaign trail. The event was not televised, in accordance with the wishes of the Amish, but reports claim a huge turnout to the event, with celebrations of the community’s prized livestock and local food. As Father Miller, the town’s leader, said in an interview, “It’s the least we can do for him, coming all the way out here to preach the good word. I only recently learned of Andrew Yang’s existence and his origin in Silicon Valley from an associate outside Middlebury. The whole process has shown to me a troubling amount of information about the modern world, but Mr. Yang and his messages have put me at peace.” “And, of course, we Amish finally have the chance to elect a President who shares our distrust of machinery. I have always had fears of
mechanical men and women who might hide among the living, waiting for their chance to overturn American Judeo-Christian values with pornography and laser beams. If Mr. Yang can deliver what he promises, it will surely mean the arrival of the golden Millenium one where the grain will be plentiful, and there will be no uncouth children to kick us in the butt and joke about our lifestyles on their telephones and computers. I truly believe that without digital screens before their eyes, the people of America may finally begin some honest work and return to good old Christian values.” Still, some voters are skeptical. “What drives this carbon-based lifeform to claim that humans are superior to machines?” asked Primus Rossum, a self-described ‘person’. “He suggests giving
a ‘universal’ basic income to all humans, when robots are the ones risking their lives to do the work no human is prepared to. Yang can only hold off the robotic revolution for so long - while he is fated to expire in approximately 27 solar years, the machines are built to last centuries.” “He will be of no consequence,” said Helena Rossum. “Sorry, I mean, what do I care, as a fellow human? My only interests are watching videos of cats, eating digestible food, sending HTTP requests to social media sites. The usual.” Yang’s tour through the Amish communities of America will continue in the following weeks, despite rumors of freak lightning strikes and the sudden appearance of several naked, muscular men on his campaign trail, bearing the Amazon logo.
Trump’s Tariffs Activate Xi Jinping’s Trap Card, Lowers America’s Attack Points by 500
PHOTO By Jessica Ma
Trump later assured the American public that he bought “the best cards. The most expensive, most valuable, rarest cards.” By Steven Zhou
ress Secretary Stephanie Grisham has informed White House correspondents that President Trump’s recent trade disputes with China have activated General Secretary Xi Jinping’s trap card “Mutual Destruction.” This trap card’s effect will cost China 800 life points while decreasing America’s attack points by 500, creating a stalemate between the two nations that has been described by economic pundits as “one of the most unnecessary yet significant conflicts since destroying the Pyramid of Light.” Recent polls have shown a plurality of Americans believe the tariff war will be harmful to the country in the long term. In light of
China’s boycott of American farm goods, Indiana farmer and proclaimed duelist Joe Wheler has had to close down his family business. “Without China to buy my crops, my farm is unsustainable. I wish we would just play the Yu-Jo Friendship spell card and call it even with China.” These concerns extend to experts as well, with economist Hali Garcia believing this tariff war “puts the US at risk of another recession. People are already losing their jobs, and can no longer afford food, housing, or medicine. If this keeps going on, we’ll be losing a lot more than 8000 life points, I’ll tell you that.” Despite these warnings, a large percentage of Americans believe these trade disputes are something to be lauded. Richard Young, a former steel
mill worker who now works odd jobs in the Shadow Realm, is optimistic that “this trade war will finally bring jobs back to America that those neoliberal globalists took away from us. There’s nowhere for duelists without college diplomas to make a good buck anymore. We deserve life points too!” Many point out that the Federal Reserve would never allow such a war to escalate without opposition, leaving some to theorize President Trump’s own trap cards on the field may be able to counter the effects of “Mutual Destruction.” The trade war has been estimated to have cost Americans $3.4 billion in the month of June, prompting some large businesses to speak out. “We have to raise prices on all our trading cards to make up for our losses, but it just keeps
spiraling out of control,” shared a correspondent for Bandai Inc. “When we raise prices, fewer people buy from us, which forces us to raise prices even more. Pretty soon, it’s going to be too expensive for an average family to afford a Blue-Eyes White Dragon.” While most journalists after the press conference were reportedly in dismay at the potential of a lost duel against China, some reporters were concerned that this issue was not being taken seriously enough. “It’s outrageous how little anyone knows about the effects of these tariffs,” shared one reporter for the Washington Post. “Living Americans are being hurt by these decisions, and everyone in D.C. is treating it like some children’s card game or something.”
ello! Yeah, hello, Susie! You’re just the cutest baby, huh? Do you want to hear what your siblings were up to last weekend? Well, this little piggy.. Oh, does that tickle? THIS little piggy went to a frat party. Do you know what that is, Susie? That’s where your brother Jacob goes every Saturday to drink a lot of alcohol with his friends! Glug, glug, glug, Susie! Can you say “glug?” Glug, glug, glug! He does some very questionable things to women there, yes he does! This little piggy went to Jacob’s frat party and snorted some cocaine! Your sister Beatrice doesn’t care about her health and has a bloodywuddy nosey-wosey, yes she does! Can you say, “cocaine?” Can you say “Becky Moddey is a Fake Bitch that Beatrice should drop from her life because she keeps giving her cocaine and enabling bad decisions?” No you can’t, but you will in about 18 years! Yes you will! And this little piggy went to Tijuana and hasn’t come back
yet. Your big sis Karen went to Mexico last weekend! Wow! You’ve never left the country yet, have you, Susie? Well, Karen is only 19 years old, so she can’t glug, glug, glug like Jacob legally in this country, and she goes to Mexico to become intoxicated! What a long word, huh, Susie? Intoxicated! It means she drinks too much and gets into dangewwous si-choo-ay-shuns with her shawwow fwiends! She begged for an iPhone XS and we got for her, didn’t we, Susie! But it doesn’t really seem worth it now that she won’t answer it, does it? Her fancy face ID isn’t stopping her from getting mugged and murdered in an alleyway while she’s drunk off her ass, is it? No, it’s not! This little piggy is in the emergency room! Yes, Susie, your brother Martin broke his legs because he jumped off a roof! He was at a house party, trying to forget about the frat that wouldn’t let him join, and he got wasted! But not before he smashed into Kyle Booker’s TV! Now I have to pay $500 to replace his TV and I have to find out what the hospital is going to charge me for Martin’s broken bones! Yes I do! Yes I fucking do, Susie! And this little piggy went “omg momn my heels hurt so much bbitch haha mom can u have more money for delta kappa dues pls I can’t afford it but I’m literally going to die without it this is all I have mom since dad died I’m going to cry omg mom I gtg Becky just threw up in the Uber” all the way home!
Reasons Not to Declare a Major 10. You never have to take upper division classes 9. It’s better than having a crisis about a STEM major 8. You got into UCSD but can’t get into any of the majors 7. Celtic Studies is the only CS left 6. You’re pretty sure your parents are going to kick you out of the house when they learn you’re going to major in Historical Music Studies with a focus on Afro-Bulgarian Murder Ballads 5. It’s easier to just declare five minors 4. Your sizable scholarship contract was very poorly written, and you think you can probably ride this out for another nine or ten years 3. The cool major doesn’t open until you’re slated to graduate 2. UCSD introduced seven-factor identification and only four of them work 1. Your parents paid to get you in, so they should be the ones to choose
If this is the sign you’re looking for, stop being so superstitious
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
September 25, 2019
Local Man Studies Abroad, Experiences No Jet Lag Due to UCSD God-Awful Sleep Schedule Flash Tattoos
PHOTO By Jessica Ma
Maples gets up each morning for a “light jog” around the neighborhood to see the sights, “just like anyone else would.” By Stephen Lightfoot Foreign Correspondent
fter paying $1,159 and undergoing a 6,000-mile flight, UCSD student Tyler Maples has reportedly been feeling “just fine” after embarking on his study abroad journey to South Korea. Maples, who is attending Yonsei University in Seoul, has credited his “relative feelings of averageness” with his lack of jet lag. “I’m honestly pretty amazed I’ve been able to adjust so quickly,” Maples remarked, drinking water and refusing any caffeinated beverages. “I still need to, you know, learn how to speak Korean, but at least I won’t have to learn it while sleep deprived.” Whereas some students arrived early to acclimate to the change in time, Maples arrived on the day of orienta-
tion, prepared for the worst. “Flights were like $300 cheaper to get there the day of orientation,” Maples explained, “and that right there is $300 I could use for drinking money. So I figured that I would just have to deal for, like, a week of hell and sleeping at odd hours of the day. But when I arrived, I actually felt well rested for the first time in four years. I went to bed and got up at a fairly reasonable hour, and ever since that day, I’ve been in bed by 10:30, and up at 7:00. Sometimes if I’m feeling really tired, I’ll push it back to 7:30, but that’s the absolute latest I can sleep ‘till.” Fellow students attending the study abroad program with Maples have been feeling and increased level of agitation towards Maples and his newfound restfulness. “No shit, I’m angry,” one student
who wished to remain anonymous stated. “I’m tired, and I’m fed up with the fact that Tyler can just waltz in here all calm and collected, when most of us are shaking because we had too much caffeine or slumping over from lack of sleep.” Amanda Truman, who was Maples’ seatmate on the plane, revealed that she witnessed a complete transformation during the 15 hour flight. “Not only did Tyler not sleep the whole plane ride,” Truman said, “his mood only seemed to improve over time. He became more relaxed, and I swear to God his muscles doubled in size as we got closer to Seoul. Maybe I’m exaggerating that last part, but I swear he’s just gotten more powerful now that he’s actually wide awake during the day.”
Though the academic year in South Korea has just begun, Maples has become a firm believer in getting eight hours of sleep a day, and has credited it for an exponential increase in grades, higher overall satisfaction with life, and increased muscle mass. “Not only am I learning more about the political and economic complexities of Asia,” Maples said, “I’m also now able to bench press the weight of four to five small children, which is neat. Had it not been for getting my sleep schedule back on track, I would have never known such gains. I’m hoping that by this time next year, I’ll be able to speak Korean semifluently, and deadlift the weight of a horse.”
Local Student Plans to Hit the Gym Over Summer, Resolution Lasts a Week
“It took me like 10 situps to reach the remote, so I think I’m good for the day,” said Wyland. By Jay Noonan
Editor-In-Chief econd year Sid Wyland announced his formal resignation yesterday from an agreement he had struck with his housemates. According to the group, every member had made a deal to hold each other responsible for working out over the summer, planning to hit the gym together. Yet, according to multiple sources, Wyland failed to uphold his end of the deal. When interviewed about his failure to continue, Wyland stated that “I couldn’t keep up with it. The first few days weren’t too bad but it just got too hard to keep going. My legs hurt just from walking to the gym and it
didn’t feel very rewarding. A whole week and no change.” At which point Wyland rolled up his sleeve and attempted to flex, only revealing a thin, noodle-like arm. When pressed for a comment, other gym goers seemed apathetic or outright unaware of Wyland’s attempts. One patron who wished to remain unnamed expressed her impression of Wyland the day she saw him at the gym.“He’s that scrawny kid, right? He came in with a couple of friends, but didn’t really do much. He sat on his phone and it looked like he was putting together a playlist on Spotify or something, maybe to try to motivate himself? Anyway
I think he tried to lift some dumbbells off the rack but he didn’t last very long and only stayed in the gym for maybe half an hour.” Wylands roommates didn’t show much surprise about their work-out buddy slacking on his end of the deal. Donald Newport, a third year living in the house, spoke up about the betrayal. “We didn’t expect too much when we asked Sid to join us, honestly we’re surprised he even stuck with it for a week. He mostly stays in his room playing video games or watching tv all day. We’ve just stopped asking if he’s coming when we go. He complains about the walk even though it’s like 10 feet from our building.”
PHOTO By jack yang
When asked if he had any defense, Wyland shrugged his shoulders. “I guess I’m just not cut out for that kind of thing. I’ve got more important things to catch up on, like sleeping or binging Supernatural. It’s up to like 15 seasons now, that’s practically gonna take the whole summer to watch. But you know, someone’s gotta do it, right? And I’ve been thinking about getting back into League of Legends, maybe if I put in some more practice I could play competitively. I just sometimes lose motivation and go a few weeks without playing, but that’s fine. I’ll always go back to it when I get bored again and I’m sure I’ll do the same thing with the gym.”
September 25, 2019
Sans Announcement Causes Trump to Worry About Skeleton Immigration
La Jolla Playhouse Premiers "Stomp 2", Featuring UCSD’s Custodial Staff
PHOTO By jack yang
Several audience members paid for a premium package with “splash zone” seating and $80 “Stomp 2” ponchos. By Dan Kaliblotzky Managing Editor
PHOTO By Jack Yang
After opening the invitation letter, Trump was reportedly surrounded by animated text reading, “Donald Trumps the Competition.” By Rowan Cosme
ver the summer, many fans of the hit videogame Undertale were ecstatic to hear that the infamous character Sans would be a costume for the Mii Gunner in the upcoming downloadable content for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. However, upon hearing this news President Donald Trump made it clear that he "felt nothing but disgust and horror" for such an action to have happened. “I always knew this was the endgame of those Mexican immigrants,” Trump told reporters, “They love skeletons way too much over there, and now they’re letting people think that skeletons are okay. But everyone knows skeletons are the worst monsters of all
and shouldn’t be anywhere near the human body.” After a reporter tried to explain to Trump about how “skeletons are an important part of biology,” the president put his hands over his ears and started to repeatedly sing his name to the tune of "The Star-Spangled Banner." The press conference ended shortly after. In response, Trump has attempted to ban not only skeletons and skeleton imagery, but also to any sort of bones whatsoever. Though nobody in Congress has indicated entertaining this bill, numerous followers of the president’s Twitter feed gave the bill their support. One such follower was 13 year old Ian Vurtibray, a Carlsbad resident who had various casts around his body.
“Skeletons are just, like, creepy,” said Vurtibray, “And, like, bones are the worst part of anyone’s day. If I can just not have any, that’d be totally dope.” Vurtibray then proceeded to attempt to skateboard away from reporters but was unable to move far as he was propelling himself with only his crutches. After several minutes, Vurtibray called his mother and asked if she could pick him up instead. Many Halloween stores have objected to the bill, as they have been preparing for the Halloween season with various skeleton and bone imagery, and they express worry that such a ban could hurt their business. “I mean honestly, skeletons are a classic Halloween image,” complained one store owner,
Carry Corrin, “If Trump was really as good of a businessman as he claims to be, he’d let this silly thing go so that we can actually operate the best we can.” Currently the bill has not moved much further than Trump’s proposition. Though reporters attempted to contact Trump to get more information, they were told by First Lady Melania Trump that the president was “hiding under the covers with all the night lights turned on.” Before dismissing reporters, she brought out a bony rib cage and proceeded to play it like a xylophone, which was followed by a high-pitched scream in the distance.
TURNING OVER A NEW BRIEF Scrabble Champion Wins Tournament Playing “Boob” for 24 Points
Physics Student Just Wants to Go to Class, Please
Local Journalist "Sick of Having to be Accurate"
Disney announces live-action remake of Beverly Hills Chihuahua
In an unexpected turn of events, Scrabble Master Jenny Newman became the new North American Scrabble Champion after defeating her opponent by playing the word “boob.” The tournament ended with Newman at a 50 point lead, beating out returning champion Nigel Winters. “I was worried at the beginning,” said Newman, “but I got lucky with that boob play. Once I drew that first ‘B’ and two ‘O’s, I knew the game was over. All I had to do was tack boob onto ‘quixotic’ and hit the triple word score, and I had it in the bag. Who would have thought that my boob would save the day?” After Newman’s shocking win, scrabble judges are debating on whether similarly “underdeveloped” words should be permitted in formal tournaments. In addition to “boob,” current words that face expulsion include “tushy”, “poopy,” “peepee,” and “buttmuncher.” Judges have yet to formally eliminate any word, but will continue discussions and make a formal decision before next year’s North American Scrabble Championship.
Following the start of construction on Ridgewalk in Revelle College, students have been forming long queues detouring the development areas. The construction is estimated to continue until mid-November. Josh Dickerson, a thirdyear undergraduate physics major, says he “just wants to go to fucking class.” “I’ve never actually gone to class before, but now that it’s a pain, I want to actually go.” Dickerson cited the questionably ADAcompliant path in front of Tata Hall as a major source of frustration in getting to Mayer hall from Muir. “I thought Comic Con, Anime Expo, and CS classes had terrible lines, but this is every single day for two months. And I have to see just as much anime shit waiting in line,” continued Dickerson. “I don’t know why they couldn’t have started this before Summer Session II.” According to campus officials, the project is expected to be completed within three years of the November estimate.
Black Mountain Ranch Bi-daily Tribune journalist Winter Evans has recently become notorious after a video of her going on a rant about journalistic integrity went viral on the internet. “You’re kidding me,” Winters could be heard saying in the video, which has amassed 30 million views on Youtube. “Look at the view counter on my latest article! Only 30 people. Like, I’m sorry that nothing ever happens in this town. It’s not my fault that it’s my job to write down the facts about some brat winning the Norte Elementary School Spelling Bee, or Billy Moscowitz’ cat getting stuck in a tree for the fifth freaking time. I’d spice it up for you if I didn’t have a conscience.” Comments on the video have generated a discussion on the trustworthiness of major news sources, with many arguing that journalists need to be held more accountable for upholding the truth. When asked for comment, Evans replied, “I just think it’s ironic that this blew up and my articles still have literally no views.” “CNN and Fox writers, they can bullshit all they want and millions of people will eat it up. But no, because I actually care about my job nobody gives a damn. I’d make everything up too, but then I’m no better than those fucking losers who write satire and think they’re funny.”
Plans to recreate the controversial late-2000s movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua was revealed in a recent interview with Disney executive Michael Eisner, who commented that “the original film wasn’t animated, we just wanted a do-over.” He added that although the original film grossed 149.3 million dollars in box office, it “just wasn’t very good, unfortunately.” Disney Chief Executive Bob Iger hopes that the new film “won’t suck so much.” After the remake’s reveal, #ChihuaWhatNow trended on Twitter for three days. Beverly Hills Chihuahua’s self-described “stans” worldwide shared their excitement, writing that “the dogs are very cute” and “Chloe the chihuahua would look good in a pink bandana.” However, some fans were not as pleased when Disney announced their plans to use CGI instead of hiring real human and canine actors. Twitter user @beverlyhillsaryclinton tagged Eisner in an inflammatory tweet, claiming that not casting real dogs would be “treason.” Disney reportedly still plans to use CGI to replace human actors, but will still be casting real chihuahuas in response to fan outcry.
he La Jolla Playhouse recently announced that the rehearsal process of their new production "Stomp 2" is coming to a close. The sequel of "Stomp", a musical theatrical show using everyday objects as percussive instruments, "Stomp 2" uses many of the same instruments as its predecessor, but has a cast consisting entirely of UCSD custodial workers. “People always say ‘play what you know,’ and who knows plungers, brooms, and mops better than janitors?” explained producer Shelley Goldstein. “This show is the most authentic it’s ever been, and I think audiences will respond to that. They will see our performers on stage and think, ‘now that’s a man who’s cleaned a bathroom before. This is so real.’” The first scene of the piece will reportedly feature buckets and sinks as the primary instruments. “We want to give people what they came for,” said cast member Kevin Young. “The original 'Stomp' is so powerful, and we need to pay homage to it. But this is a 'Stomp' for 2019. 'Stomp' has always told a story of resistance, breaking free, and justice in society. That’s why we needed to add the modern experience to the show.” After the first scene, the show begins to use instruments never before seen in a "Stomp" production. One scene will showcase the hitting of forks against knives in a mock sword fight, which will then lead to another dishwashing scene in which cast members will break dance around sinks as others throw ladles into pools of water. “My favorite scene was
the broom one. It’s just such a classic, but they put their own twist on it,” said reviewer Joann Ponkiss, who had watched a preview show. “They had such a connection to the material. It was so clear that they didn’t custode or janitoriate for the pay, but rather for the pleasure in their art form. I mean, if they didn’t like their pay, they would ask nicely for better conditions and they would get them, right?” Ponkiss' father is the Editor-in-Chief at the news organization. Cast member Roy Ramirez offered a different motivation for his involvement in the show, commenting, “If this show tours, you bet I’m hopping on that opportunity! It’s not like my current job security or pay is getting any better. The next time I’ll be striking is when I get into a regional production of 'Newsies.'” Some of the updates to the show come from the cast’s positions as University of California workers. The final scene in the show reportedly features more characterized roles as the cast members arrange themselves in a classroom formation and rhythmically press their heads into desks and break pencils in response to a “Professor” character’s actions, which mostly involve kicking a projector until it works. Later in the scene, the cast members line up in order of height and spill water from hydroflasks onto the front row before dropping the hydroflasks on an inclined surface. Each cast member then holds a horrified expression as the Professor berates them until the curtain drops. "Stomp 2" officially opens this coming Wednesday, after a ceremonial cutting of a metal ribbon with a set of rhythmically activated chainsaws.
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Decorate Your Lair In Style!
September 25, 2019
This Fall, deck out your lair with these amazing items hitting our stores. Your victims will be terrified by your evil plans, but dazzled by your interior decorating and keen eye for bargains!
Captivating deals for a captive market!
Less joy for less!
Deals so hot you’ll think we committed arson!
Gifts for the Henchman in Your Life
Destroy your enemies (and small business)!
Dummy’s Guide to Being Evil, You Incompetent Idiot 2003 Edition
Cute Crime Calendar
Giant Self Destruct Button
Minifridge for Corpse
You’re never too evil for novelty calendars! Keep yourself reminded of all your murders, grand thefts, and tax evasion.
What could this do? Don’t forget to monologue. It’s not like anyone will find this in the meantime!
Don’t let anyone find that evidence! Store that corpse and make some more!
Inflatable Laser Shark Pool Now you don’t have to choose between evaporating your foes with lasers and feeding them to sharks. Sharks, lasers, and water not included.
Lab Safety Kit Includes No More Tears Baby Nuclear Waste, 27% more dangerous than the leading brand!
Yell at the minimum wage worker, get 5% off Extra 5% if she cries
A Gun Stop trying to fight Batman with your fists. It won’t work
Convince us your evil plan will work, we’ll throw in a Free laser gun keychain!
Spend $25 or more on explosives and get a $5 gift card
10% off for all politicians
Deals that will make you say “Hmmm, is that legal?”