THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
âGuilt is for humans and mortalsâ -Keanu Reeves, Actor
Fastest punchline in the West
September 25, 2019
Freshman Convinced They Found Soulmate During Welcome Week
Volume XXVI Issue I
In This issue Stuart art collection unveils newest piece
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bedroom confused for glassware show
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Richâs guide to college living
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TrumPâs tariffs activate xi jinpingâs trap card student plans to hit gym over summer; lasts a week
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News in Brief âThereâs just something so amazing about an 18-year-old who knows how to use chopsticks,â said Chessit. BY Hanaa Moosavi
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Staff Writer
irst-year Brittany Chessit recently got into a relationship after she met fellow first-year Frankie Illis at Pines dining hall and experienced what she described as âlove at first sight at the stirfry section.â Chessit was reportedly searching UCSDâs campus for the best lunch spot where she could âhang with other pretty people and not look too unapproachableâ when she ran into Illis. âI didnât notice him at first because I was just trying to see what options were being offered for lunch, but when I saw that they didnât have quinoa as a base, I turned to walk away and saw that curly brown hair. At that point, I couldnât be bothered with stirfry,â Brittany said while twirling her hair between her
fingers. âI just, like, had to know him and talk to him. It was obviously my destiny to walk into Pines that day at that time and see him standing there. So I just marched up and put my hand down and introduced myself to him. If you are anything like me, confident and beautiful, then it really is not hard to introduce yourself and make an impression.â Illis also contacted reporters to speak on the encounter. âI think she said her name was Brittany? I was down at Pines trying to get a bite to eat because the boys in my dorm and I finally had a break from howling around campus. I know itâs weird, but our frat brother Richie told us that we should howl to assert our dominance and let the ladies know weâre in the area, so we kinda had to do it for the brotherhood.â Illis continued,
âI donât really remember what she said after that, but she was hot, so I just invited her to join me back at the dorm with the boys. She didnât end up coming, which was whatever âcause Richie told us that when we get officially initiated into the brotherhood, weâll be swimming in girls that wanna hang.â âI mean like he totally asked me out that day,â said Chessit, âbut I was with Christina and Patricia so like I totally couldnât go with him. I mean I know I am super cool and it is really hard not to want to ask me out but I couldnât just ditch the girls like that. After our shared three days in the Palace - thatâs what we call our triple - we like totally have a blood bond with each other. Whatâs funny though is I didnât see him after that. Like I told him about the girls and I turned to look at them and when I
PHOTO By jack yang
turned back, he was gone. I didnât even get a chance to give him my Snap. And my bitmoji is like a spitting image of me so itâs ridiculously cute too!â Illis has expressed interest in other women since the encounter. âYeah so I met Roni at our freshman seminar about planets and how music can actually change the way you see astronomy. She told me our star signs were compatible and sheâs in a sorority, so I asked her out.â When asked about the Brittany endeavour, Illis responded, âOh, Brittany? I saw her at Pines the other day and dated her for a little while. I think we like decided we were in love, but, I mean then I saw Roni talking about Jupiter soâŚâ Chessit reportedly plans to eat at Pines for the next two weeks in hopes of meeting Illis again.
Area Woman Hauls Ass to Meet FitBit Step Goal
According to reports, OâMalley keeps all the donkeys in a pit affectionately known as her âass hole.â By Sage Cristal
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MQ Fairy Godmother
rea woman Zigi OâMalley held a press conference last Wednesday to commemorate the grand opening of her new donkey transport service. During the press conference, OâMalley shared her vision for the new business in a speech that some referred to as âmoving.â
âThe idea of a Donkey Carrier service came to me in a restless daydream. I was sitting on my couch watching TV when my FitBit told me it was time to haul ass and get my steps in for the day. Then it hit me! What better way is there to haul ass than to actually haul some ass? It was then that I started to create a business model for Ass
Local doctor adopts from rescue shelter Excited to bring her to human park
Transit,â said OâMalley. Since the grand opening, OâMalley reports gaining as many as 300 clients, as well as completing an upwards of 15,000 steps a day in delivering donkeys straight to the doors of those who need reliable transportation. OâMalley tells reporters that she was initially shocked by the widespread interest in Ass Transit and attrib-
PHOTO By jack yang
utes its success to the general publicâs heightened interest in environmentally-friendly sources of transportation. Craig Calhuddy, a selfdescribed âactive Ass Transit user,â told reporters, âWe all know that cars are just horrible for the environment with
See Haul Ass page 2
Armed robber escapes bank heist Gives police the slip
Bowen Yang to Play Scarlett Johansson in Upcoming SNL Skit In a leaked NBC memo, it has been confirmed that Bowen Yang will be portraying Scarlett Johansson in a âCelebrity Family Feudâ skit for the upcoming season 45 premiere of Saturday Night Live. âWeâre so happy to finally have an Asian-American cast member so that we can properly represent members of the Asian-American community,â said showrunner Lorne Michaels, commenting on the leak. âWe felt it was only fitting that we mark the occasion by having Bowen play the most prominent Asian-American of our time.â
Yang could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly muttering âbaby stepsâ over and over to himself in his dressing room. Johansson was also unavailable for comment as she was reportedly auditioning for a part in a Hollywood adaptation of Romance of the Three Kingdoms. The leak also included information on Johanssonâs teammates in the sketch, featuring Kate McKinnon as Awkwafina, host Woody Harrelson as John Cho, and a special appearance by Shane Gillis as Fu Manchu.
UCSD Student Says That He Will Travel the World During Summer Vacation, Does Nothing UCSD student Nathan Nix said that he regrets doing nothing over summer vacation after promising himself he would travel the world. âAll my friends kept posting their vacation pics on Snapchat and Instagram,â states Nix. âI wanted a piece of the action too, but I just ended up sitting alone at home Netflix and chillinâ all day, minus the chill.â Nix admitted that these posts drove him wild with jealousy and made him question if there was any excitement or adventure in his life, yet still he chose not to leave his living room couch, let alone the country.
After deciding that social media portrays a false narrative of peopleâs lives, Nix contemplated using Photoshop to construct a photo of himself at a random tourist destination. âI mean, letâs be real. In the end, itâs not really about where you go, itâs about where other people think youâve gone and how you can make them feel bad about eating an entire bag of cheese puffs in one sitting, which I would never do.â However, Nix decided that creating a realistic photo in Photoshop was beyond his abilities.
Brazilian President Denies Knowledge of Any Amazon Fire Jair Bolsonaro, President of Brazil, has denied that there ever was an Amazonian fire and claims it was another attack of âFake Newsâ of liberal media. In an official statement, President Bolsonaro stated, âThere was never a fire in the Amazon. This is a fake fact, or news as you Americans call it. If I was behind a fire in the Amazon you would not be able to save it.â The President excused himself and drove off in the presidential car, stocked with multiple jerry cans. Eyewitnesses in the area report he stated, âEu deveria ter usado mais gasolina na primeira vezâ as he drove away into the jungle.
A crew of firefighters reported that there was a blaze despite what the President stated, but had their water privileges removed a week prior. A government statement cited the water was being purified for the next Olympics, coming in an undisclosed year. Franscisco Silva, a junior firefighter reported, âThey said no water, so we asked for flame retardant. They handed us gasolina.â The UN has stepped in to intervene with the fire and is currently explaining to the government that the Olympics will never take place in Brazil again.
See BRIEFS, page 11