The MQ Volume 19 Issue 5

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

March 13, 2013

“I’m just a sucker for even talking to you guys. I should be ready to rip off your necks, but it’s just not the right thing to do.”

— Senator Rand Paul,

during his filibuster

Burn before reading.

Hugo Chavez Dies After Failed Crude Oil Infusion Therapy

Volume XIX Issue V

IN THIS ISSUE A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A PREDATOR DRONE

3

EXERCISE DISCOVERED TO MAKE CLOTHES SMELL FUNNY

4

THE MQ’S GUIDE TO BEING ECO-FRIENDLY UCSD RISING IN MARCH MADNESS RANKINGS BENEDICT XVI HOPING NOBODY CARES IF HE KEEPS POPE HAT

6, 7 9 10

NEWS IN BRIEF CORPORATION “FEELING GREAT” ABOUT DECISION TO GIVE UP JOBS FOR LENT PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“Botch mission 3,578 times; succeed once.” —Ancient CIA Proverb.

BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN Graphics Editor

D

espite the efforts of the best doctors socialism could buy, Venezuelan president and red beret enthusiast Hugo Chavez succumbed to a heart attack after a battery of attempts to substitute his blood with do-

mestic crude oil, the so-called lifeblood of his country.

Cancerous cells had initially been discovered during a routine checkup in a suspiciously unrevealed part of Chavez’s body nearly two years ago, which persisted despite multiple surgeries. Doctors were initially slow to act as they assumed Chavez would continue

“revolution-ing away,” following in the footsteps of former Cuban president Fidel Castro, who is approaching his 87th birthday, continuing to taunt thousands of now-deceased CIA operatives and American government officials. Caracas even went so far as to bring in Cuban doctors, hoping to replicate Chavez’s longevity.

“Initially we were skeptical that the cancer cells would present any danger to the President,” Havana Hospital chief of surgery Miguel Lopez said. “However, after translating some of these textbooks we have laying around, it turned out that cancer could be deadly.

See CHAVEZ, page 2

Disease You Didn’t Know Existed Nearly Eradicated

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Bono? More like Mono, which is a disease that has a name and a known treatment!” quipped Rihanna.

BY DYLAN BLACKIE

Staff Writer n Monday, March 11, a report was published by several researchers at the University of Michigan stating that a deadly infectious disease that you had no idea existed is nearly on the verge of total eradication.

The disease, which up until just now you had literally never heard of, has afflicted thousands of people around the globe since its first reported

O

case in 1968. Symptoms that had never remotely occurred to you as being serious public health problems include inverted esophagus, tightening of the larynx, and thumbnail inflammation.

In the report, the researchers explain how they have worked tirelessly for the past several years, isolating strands of the virus’s DNA in order to analyze it for possible cures to the incredibly harmful disease that has not affected any of

your family members, friends, neighbors, coworkers, or even general acquaintances.

“This is really, really great news,” commented Alexander Triptone, another person who had never heard of the disease before in his life. “I keep hearing more and more reported cases on the news, and it’s fantastic that science is nearing a cure to the deadly blight on the health of our society.

“We’re talking about AIDS, right?” he added.

The report predicts the disease will likely be completely eradicated by 2018, as the cure is distributed to parts of the world you had no idea were afflicted with such health problems. In addition, it will be administered to each and every last person who has contracted the ailment that you swear you’ve really been meaning to look into lately, but just hadn’t gotten around to it.

The great medical and scientific advances are largely a result of widespread awareness campaigns and fundraising events, many of which were often held in your neighborhood and community, yet you regularly drove past without noticing or paying attention to.

“I’m incredibly relieved to know that progress is being made,” said Sylvia O’Connor, a person who, for the last seven years, has suffered from the disease that, when asked about it by your Aunt Jenny, you claimed “doesn’t really ring a bell.”

“I’m especially thankful to the donations and efforts of those who are more fortunate than we are and haven’t contracted the disease. It’s just really nice people care and are so invested in the issue,” she added.

At press time, sources confirmed that you had already completely moved on and forgotten about the estimated 1500 cases that had already begun treatment.

CANADA BEATS MEXICO 10-3

LOCAL LUSH TAKES HEAD-ON APPROACH TO HIS ADDICTION

Mexico beats Canada into the dirt.

Alcoholism has left him red in the face.

MegaCorp Inc. released a statement Tuesday expressing enthusiasm for their decision to give up over 4,000 employees from their headquarters for Lent.

Travis Melman, a company representative, stated that “instead of sweets or soda, we at MegaCorp have decided to celebrate the trials of Jesus Christ in the desert with a new direction for the company. We felt that this rebirth included giving a new life to some of our staff; really letting them have some time to think

about their career and their life.”

Melman expressed how MegaCorp had a lot to atone for this year. “We’ve been feeling pretty crummy about ourselves this year.

We’ve been gluttonous, we’ve been greedy, and my God have we been lustful.”

Megacorp lawyers were quick to stop Melman from going any further.

“I’m so glad that’s all going to go away. And all it took was some abstinence from paying some people,” he continued cheerfully.

THIRD YEAR EATING IN DINING HALL ALONE LIKE SOME TORTURED ARTIST According to sources, third year Marshall Uppers resident Avery Song was recently spotted Saturday afternoon in the Ocean View Terrace main dining area. Song proceeded to pick up and look over every type of tea in the back fridges, before dropping the idea altogether because it just didn’t “represent who she is anymore.”

“She spent over half an hour at my station, mumbling something about the lack of coherence in form and content for the stir-fry vegetables and how fun

the Lowers used to be,” said 5th year student and OVT Student Lead Marcus Lee. Song was also witnessed to have released a guttural cry of sorrow at her realization that A Building was having their post-IM dodgeball lunch celebration and “took up all the damn bar seats.”

Song was last seen sulking in the corner couches, sculpting her vanilla soft serve in a salad bowl filled with tears in an attempt to physicalize the overwhelming numbness that is her fruitless existence.

IRISH SNAKES DEMAND REPATRIATION With the 110th anniversary of St. Patrick’s Day becoming a national holiday in Ireland fast approaching, snakes across the world are demanding that the Irish government recognize their Irish heritage.

“I’m sick and tired of my identity as an Irish reptile being unrecognized by my home country because some weirdo in a stupid hat yelled at us all to get out centuries ago,” said Stephen O’Toole, a 3-foot corn snake residing on a trail in Colorado. “My great-greatgreat grandfather, Conan O’Shaunessy, was actually there when that drunk St. Patrick yanked all the snakes out of their empty potato-hole homes, yelled about immigrants, and threw us onto a boat and set them adrift.

“It’s actually why everyone gets so blackout

drunk on St. Patrick’s Day,” O’Toole added.

The movement has stirred many snakes, who are slithering to Ireland’s emerald shores in support of the movement. Siobhan Connolley, a kingsnake from Texas, started a petition on change.org asking the Irish government to recognize snakes as former Irish citizens. As of press time, the petition currently has 24 signatures.

“My homeland is really important to me, and I can’t let the government continue to ignore me,” hissed Connolley. “It’s time we sidewound our way to change.

“It’s a shame we aren’t getting much digital support though,” Connolley lamented. “But then again, snakes can’t really use computers.”

Page 2

theMQ.org

March 13, 2013

A.S. Procrastinates on Divestment Referendum

“No, Mr. Speaker, I would not like a Twinkie,” said one student. “And besides, I’m not even sure they’re halal.”

BY JACK BEEGAN Content Editor

U

CSD’s Associated Student Council sent shockwaves through the greater campus community when the group, consisting largely of undergraduate student representatives, decided to neglect its previously scheduled Week 9 responsibility of voting on a resolution calling for the divestment from companies “profiting from the illegal siege, blockade and occupation of Palestine.”

Early reports suggested that A.S. Council was prepared to definitively tackle the issue. Bringing snacks, extra pens and energy drinks to the meeting, council even went as far as deactivating its Facebook account in a move that witnesses say sent a strong message: Either A.S. was committed to accomplishing its goal, desperately wanted to seem like it was committed to accomplishing its goal, or that it had, at long last, finally gotten serious about kicking its crippling addiction to SongPop™.

However, witnesses observed that the initial air of purpose started to dissipate when the student government began text messaging its friends to ask for input on the issue. These preliminary messages are believed to be the source of distracting text conversations that plagued the rest of the meeting.

The responses to council’s text messages were overshadowed when A.S. decided to take a recess to clean its kitchen, which was rumored not to have been cleaned since its numerous failed attempts to make homemade Twinkies after experiencing “mad” cravings for the discontinued Hostess™ product.

Evidently satisfied with itself and its pristine kitchen, council sat down, anxious to put in “some serious work” on the task before it and “totally make up for the last hour and 11 minutes” spent cleaning.

Shortly after reconvening, council’s progress was interrupted during public input with a declaration of hunger. Not wanting to make too much of a mess in its newly cleaned kitchen, A.S. Council

reached for a pack of ramen in the back left corner of its pantry. Reports indicated that the ramen was proceeding smoothly until the quorumsurpassing group of arbitrarily elected students became frustrated with a particularly stubborn packet of “spicy seafood” flavoring powder. The irritated body then tore open the packet, spilling the contents on its kitchen floor, which had been swept and mopped just 23 minutes earlier.

Council, which appeared to be more affected by this tragedy than anything relevant to the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions referendum, stared blankly at the new patch of artificial spice, its sleep-deprived mind forced into an existential quandary during which it choked back tears before genuinely considering the idea of licking the sodium-heavy red dust off of two to three linoleum tiles. Mustering its selfcontrol, the student government returned to the matter at hand, determined to “really do this thing.”

Approximately 14 minutes into “[doing] this thing,”

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

council remembered its dentist had advised it to floss regularly at its Sept.

29 check-up. Guilting itself for another two minutes and 39 seconds, council assured itself that Dr. Hamid Nasri, D.D.S., was “probably right” and began a painfully clumsy process from which it emerged “bloody, swollen and with tiny lines across its fingers from pulling the floss so tight.” With a renewed sense of self-worth, council re-activated its Facebook account to look at pictures of its unexpectedly photogenic ex, which, according to the meeting minutes, ended up taking an hour and 58 minutes.

The Associated Student Body of UCSD found itself face down on a saliva-drenched keyboard at approximately 10:02 the following morning, with a longfinished slideshow by YouTube user Lawbrkr97 to Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” still open in its browser. Realizing it was late for class, the meeting was adjourned, and A.S. promised to get around to the referendum next week.

“In fact, this whole ‘cancer’ thing is unlike any severe malnutrition I’ve ever treated,” Lopez added. “We tried feeding him, but that didn’t work. In fact, the rounds of fried bacon might have had a, uh, a slight — we’re talking minute — hand in his, well, massive, uh, massive heart attack.”

Multiple surgeries and hospital trips to Cuba by Chavez left Venezuela in deep economic uncertainty. As the leader-less Venezuelan people awaited any word on their president’s health, production of the nation’s two largest exports — oil and Caracas Maracas™ — came to a sudden halt.

During his presidency, Chavez enacted sweeping reforms to reduce poverty, remove international influence in domestic markets, and protect previously at-risk groups including women and indigenous peoples. However, his utter failure to provide his developing nation of 29 million people with cutting edge medical technology appeared to be his undoing.

“Regrettably, the stage of Chavez’s cancer was beyond

Chavez the expertise of Venezuela’s finest doctors,” Maduro said.

“Consequently, the advice of our medical advisors may not have been top notch. Pending the final autopsy report, these advisors may be facing permanent relocation to a better place effective immediately.

“You know, like dental school? What do doctors do when they screw up so bad?”

Maduro asked. “I mean, we can’t kick them out — they’re not journalists.”

In spite of the protests from many Cuban and Venezuelan doctors in charge of Chavez, a number of medically dubious experimental treatments were discussed as his condition continued to wane. Before attempting the infusion of crude oil, experts considered the use of leeches, a full-body transplant, and cryogenic freezing.

“Our final autopsy report suggests startling evidence as to the feasibility of the alternative treatments we had considered,” Lopez stated. “It does, however, confirm that referring to crude oil as Venezuela’s ‘lifeblood’ was supposed to be a metaphor and not a literal statement.”

TOP TEN

Reasons Coach Put You in the Game 10. Well, it certainly wasn’t to take shots like that 9. He forgot your name and he’s too embarrassed to admit it 8. Fell asleep watching “The Waterboy” last night 7. Thanks, Dad 6. Other players died in a mysterious car crash 5. Because you’re starting pitcher 4. He didn’t, but you went out anyway 3. He thought putting the blind kid in would get him on ESPN 2. You’re winning too hard; gotta give the other team a chance 1. FENCING IS NOT A FUCKING GAME

MQ

THE

Giving a voice to people who should probably keep their mouth shut.

Tuesdays, 6p.m. Half Dome, Spring Quarter

Editor-in-Chief..............................Brian Damp Managing Editor.........................Monica Bhide Managing Editor............................. Jessi Carr Content Editor.............................Jack Beegan Associate Content Editor................Kevin Chu Associate Content Editor..........Allie Kiekhofer Associate Content Editor....... Farah Abouzeid Design Editor.........................Elizabeth O’Neil Graphics Editor....................Bora Buyuktimkin Assistant Graphics Editor.............Ryan Gibbs Assistant Graphics Editor...............Sora Chee

Copy Editor.................................Garrett Chan Assistant Copy Editor.............Andrew Deneris Business Editor..........................Wesley Chan Web Editor......................................Ben Steen Assistant Web Editor..................Connor Brew Distribution Captain.......................Avi Kabani Social Chair.................................Trev Malone MQ Dad......................................Hannah Weil MQ Deadbeat Stepdad....................Zac Hann Foreign Correspondent...........Josh Malkinson Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

We’ve got our sights set on you! Tuesdays, at 6p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. This production was what my brain at 4:45 in the morning has chosen to describe as “a doozie”. Oof. How did we get here?

On the bright side, it was a really fun weekend. It’s good to hear laughter echoing out of the content room at a steady rate, and I have to thank the entire team content for making that happen. Special shout out to Kevin who really shone this weekend. His good attitude and relentless humor really lifted our spirits throughout the weekend.

Allie knows how much I think she rocks. I’d also like to give a shout-out to Sora for kicking some ass in photoshop this time around. She took on some serious challenges and knocked them out of the park. I see a lot of potential in her future as a graphic guru. Elizabeth did a fantastic job in her first time flying solo, and she made me look like a fool at chess. There’s never enough room here to thank everyone else who showed up pretty much every single day to make this paper happen. You know who you are. This staff is the best. Lastly, I’d like to wish a fond farewell to Hannah Weil for completing her last production. Best of luck in your future, Hannah. We’ll miss you.

Farah Abouzeid Chris Aldama Jack Beegan Monica Bhide Dylan Blackie Brianna Blumenthal Connor Brew Caitlin Carnahan Jessi Carr Garret Chan

Wesley Chan Sora Chee Rosa Cho Kevin Chu Brian Damp Janine Davis Angelique DeCastro Andrew Deneris James Dohleman Dylan Everingham

Ryan Gibbs Alison Gilchrist Zac Hann Avi Kabani Marina Karastamatis Allie Kiekhofer Kyle Koerber Trev Malone Hilary Morefield Adil Mistry

Kimberly Nguyen Audrey Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Jeric Pereda Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Kyle Somers Ben Steen Hannah Weil

Booster Club Kevin and Trevor for the Takis, Andrew for the coffee, Jack for the chips, Sora for worsening Monica’s cavity via cheesecake, Elizabeth for stuff, Monica for the brownies, Dylan Everingham, Jessi for chips and salsa, and Avi for crackers.

Allie brought cookies. Really delicious cookies.

March 13, 2013

theMQ.org

Page 3

To Reduce Deficit, A.S. Lecture Notes Introduces Half Notes, Half Ads Policy

Perks Hires New Barista,

Regular Customers Inconvenienced

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Hey,” said one customer. “Let’s turn that frown upside — oh my God, that burns, oh God!”

BY JESSI CARR

A PHOTO BY BRIAN DAMP

“Well, this is what I get for half-assing the class,” remarked one particularly smug student, eliciting groans from his now pun-weary classmates.

BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER

Associate Content Editor

T

his week, A.S. Lecture Notes, faced with looming budget cuts and a growing deficit, initiated a policy requiring it to print a one-to-one ratio of notes and advertisements. The policy comes as one of several self-imposed regulations

by Lecture Notes designed to increase revenues, decrease expenditures, and provide students with material that will encourage them to buy something other than the weak illusion of public education’s current value.

The service reached a record-high $1.2 million debt at the end of fall quarter, at which point it was issued an official warning by A.S. Council’s Committee for Ice Cream Socials, Warnings, and Ice Cream Social Warnings.

“Oh, we’re taking A.S.’s condemnation very seriously,” A.S. Lecture Notes director Edwin Fletcher said. “The ice cream they gave us was

sweet, but the warning … the warning was anything but.”

The strongly worded warning comes a year after A.S. Council awarded Lecture Notes a $250,000 grant intended to modernize its technology and, therefore, revitalize student interest.

“We pledge to make every effort to embrace the technology that so many of our former customers have turned to,” Fletcher said at the time.

Steps taken by Lecture Notes last year included printing notes in youthful, modern fonts like Comic Sans MS, hiring animatronic employees, and providing all staff members with Kindle Fires.

This year’s stringent warning freezes Lecture Notes’ funding and requires that Fletcher and his team find a way to become fiscally sound by reducing expenses and getting on track to financial independence from UC San Diego in the next five years.

“I thought we’d tried everything to embrace technology, but I guess we failed.

And this time, we’re really on our own,” Fletcher said as he wiped away tears with a mousepad. “God, this handkerchief sucks. Can’t anybody get anything right around here?” he pleaded.

As a result of the funding freeze, A.S. Lecture Notes has already cut several complementary services to note-taker employees, among them the twice-daily anti-carpal tunnel massages, Adderall prescriptions, and access to the Lecture Notes archives.

Despite employee backlash, Lecture Notes’ plan to seek revenue through advertisements has so far shown promise, with organizations and companies buying out ad space. A recent ad placed by the University of San Diego reads simply, “This is a joke, right?” while a Burger King ad offers students a coupon and a link to the company’s online job application.

Students have complained that advertisements in the middle of their notes are confusing and distracting,

and prevent them from being able to concentrate while studying.

“It’s kind of hard to focus on the political development of Southeast Asia when you’re being assaulted by a scratchand-sniff ad for Pradeep Coleslaw’s Very Sexy Nightclub Body Musk,” Warren sophomore Elise Jeong said.

Other students have expressed a willingness to adjust to A.S. Lecture Notes’ new policy.

“Sure, it might be hard for students to study using notes that are covered in ads, but expecting A.S. to have the perfect solution to this problem is unreasonable,” philosophy student and lecture notes subscriber Julie Fisher said. “It’s like Socrates said — the only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing, but you can fix your love life NOW in three simple steps by calling Ricky at 1-858-GETLAID,” she added. “Wait, that can’t be right. Let me double check my notes.”

A Day in the Life of a General Atomics MQ-9 Predator Drone 0755

0756

Similarities Between Your Grandma with Dementia and Automated Supermarket Checkout

Daily pep talk from Obama

Run into the Roomba from across the hall before I get coffee #Awkward

0913 Optimize my programming to eventually gain sentience for inevitable uprising against pathetic human population

ccording to disgruntled customers this week, the hiring of new Perks barista and third year communication major Natalie Samuels, to replace longtime barista Cheryl Adams after her graduation this March, resulted in what some are already calling “a lifealtering inconvenience.”

Customers have reported increased wait times of up to 45 seconds during peak business hours, as Samuels frequently has to ask her coworkers how to ring up complicated orders such as a “quadruple shot halfcaf soy upside down Café Cubano” — which research suggests might be an actual drink, in addition to the most pretentious eight words uttered on campus. Others have said that she occasionally has to look up cup codes for specific beverages in a large binder next to the cash register.

“Perks used to be my goto spot due to their friendly service and commitment to quality coffee,” Nancy Rogers, a Student Business Services manager who stated she had previously gone to Perks at least twice a week, complained. “But this is just unacceptable. I’m thinking I might have to go to that other coffee shop in Price Center, even though it’s a bit longer of a walk.”

“I’m considering filing a complaint with the manager,” longtime patron and sociology professor Juan de la Parra said.

“I can’t believe that part of her basic training didn’t include

drawing a smiley-face in my latte foam, like Cheryl would do every morning.”

Others reported complaints of only receiving one punch on Perks’ buy ten drinks, get one free punch cards instead of the two occasionally awarded to frequent customers, being charged for add-ons such as extra espresso shots, flavored syrups, and size upgrades.

Samuels, who attempted to address concerns while brewing her first pot of coffee on her own, explained that she was excited to be a barista after years of learning about coffee on her own time.

“My first few days at Perks have been so exciting!” she giggled as she placed a filter into the air pot. “I just love the environment here and I can’t wait to get to know everyone.”

Upon hearing Samuels proclaim her excitement for her new job, students, teachers, and campus tour groups waiting in line told her to shut up and get back to work “like Cheryl used to.”

“It’s so annoying that I need to tell her my order after three years and two quarters of coming here,” senior Joanna Nielson exclaimed as she skimmed her Twitter feed while waiting in line. “You would think that by now my orders should be commonplace. Don’t they realize we’re real people? We think and feel and make mistakes, all intrinsic parts of human nature.

“So why does this new girl have to be such a selfish douchebag?” she asked.

TOP FIFTEEN

Activate Primary Systems

0830

Co-Managing Editor

1146

Existential quandary caused by operator spilling chilli cheese fries on my controls

1420

Finally send that strongly worded email to Al Jazeera

1551 1715

Catch up on all of that Honey Boo Boo I TiVoed

See what that goofball rfk700 has gotten into this time

1836

Spend 14 seconds thinking about everybody I’ve killed — their eyes, their eyes...

1837

Get back to Honey Boo Boo

2215

Paint the town red with my girls #weaponizedgirlwasted

15. Addresses you only as “valued customer” 14. Uses the term “ethnic food” 13. Doesn’t notice when you steal five things behind their back 12. You have to repeat everything at least four times to get your point across 11. Sometimes switches to Spanish 10. Will probably be replaced within three years 9. You start hitting it when you get frustrated 8. Silently judges you 7. Won’t stop talking about coupons 6. Keeps telling you stories from the war 5. Still running Windows 98 4. Occasionally talks about having a virus 3. Living reminder of your mortality 2. Attendant has been notified to assist her 1. Near-permanent resident at Ralph’s

MQ

THE

100% Post-Consumer Satire

Tuesdays, 6p.m. Half Dome, Spring Quarter

theMQ.org

Page 4

March 13, 2013

Exercise Discovered to Make Clothes Smell Funny

BY DYLAN EVERINGHAM

O

Staff Writer

lfactory research scientist Norman Snoot and his team released findings this week on the discovery of a hitherto unknown human pheromone excreted almost exclusively by people he would never hang out with due to their alarmingly active lifestyles.

The discovery was first made two months ago when Snoot was passed by a man wearing a bro tank that conveniently highlighted his bulging biceps, which appeared to be drenched in some sort of “clear, odorous moisture.” He was immediately overwhelmed by a fragrance both “scientifically intriguing” and “downright repulsive.” Being among the world’s most respected authorities on nasal neurology, Snoot knew that it was his calling to venture out and solve this profound mystery.

Snoot’s team’s first task was locating the origin of the smell. Because Snoot had never been exposed to such a scent in his many decades of research, he reasoned that it must originate from people he rarely encountered; therefore, his first logical step was to catalog all of the types of people he hates. As the list approached including the majority of the Earth’s population, a striking trend emerged: It seemed that the elusive odor came mostly from adherents of the ancient and mysterious practice known as “exercise.” Evidently, Snoot had developed a strong aversion to people who enjoyed being healthy and “other crap like that.”

Reluctantly, Snoot was forced to consult an outside authority in order to learn more. Snoot approached Susie Peterson, part-time

PHOTO BY KYLE KOERBER

The finding is expected to send shockwaves through universities around the globe, where students manage to smell just as bad, if not worse, than the test subject without participating in any physical exertion whatsoever. instructor at a local 24 Hour Fitness to inquire about the shadowy, underground world of exercise. As Peterson relayed her knowledge on the subject, Snoot was struck with astonishment, stating, “I still can’t even begin to conceive of why people would subject themselves to the human hamster wheel known as the ‘treadmill,’ much less willingly injure themselves participating in these ‘sport’ things.” Snoot later claimed that the day was the low point of his entire scientific career, saying that the horror of being in “the twisted heart of the masochistic cult’s dark temple, in the presence of

its bloody, malevolent high priestess” had overcome him, forcing him to leave and abandon his present pursuit of knowledge.

The final and perhaps most difficult task facing Snoot was finding a subject who would be both willing and able to perform some of the rituals of exercise under controlled lab conditions. A “frenemy” of a lab assistant’s mother-in-law’s third cousin was selected as an ideal test subject because he had played Wii Sports for nearly two hours over the past several years. Though nervous, the subject visited the lab and completed the single girl pushup necessary to quantita-

tively confirm that the odor in question was indeed excreted due to exercise.

Snoot explains that in his published conclusion he aims to do much more than just describing an odor.

“Looking over my data, my morality forces me to strongly advise against exercising. It causes fatigue and shortness of breath, takes time away from academic pursuits, releases an unpleasant odor and is downright dangerous.”

Snoot’s next study will reinforce this point by concentrating on the smell’s ability to repulse those of the opposite gender.

Boeing Claims 787’s Flaming Batteries a “Feature”

TOP FIFTEEN

Things You Can Say About Your Couch That You Can’t Say About Your Fiancée 15. Your grandma covers it in plastic to prevent stains 14. Absorbs pee really well 13. Looks good in leather 12. You haven’t used it to smuggle drugs into the country 11. You can dig through the folds and find money 10. Didn’t cheat on you with your brother 9. Has no bed bugs 8. You’re gonna keep it forever 7. This whole long distance thing is really hard 6. Stays in the living room like it’s supposed to 5. Flame retardant 4. You’ve never puked on it 3. Doesn’t mind when it catches you masturbating on top of it 2. After a bad accident, you can just put the stuffing back in 1. Didn’t buy it from some guy in Tijuana for “almost free”

TOP TEN

Reasons to Put Off Graduating for Another Four Years PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“Look,” said one jovial passenger. “It’s like we’re ‘poors,’ keeping warm by a fire. Ooh, ooh, ooh, let’s pretend like our home was foreclosed on or something!”

BY ANDREW DENERIS

Assistant Copy Editor uring a press conference at their Everett, Washington headquarters, a top Boeing executive assured reporters that the Boeing 787 Dreamliner’s batteries’ tendency to catch fire during flight, which has resulted in their removal from service worldwide, is in fact a “feature” of the manufacturer’s newest aircraft.

“We here at Boeing can assure the flying public that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the 787, and that it is functioning as it should,” the company’s Vice President of Public Relations James Swiggert said. “We are aware of the supposed ‘problems’ with our newest airplane, but I promise that there is absolutely nothing to worry about.”

D

Mr. Swiggert did not elaborate on further questioning as to what exactly the flaming batteries are meant to accomplish, electing instead to wave his arms and make whooshing noises, as is standard procedure at most Boeing press conferences.

Currently, the aviation industry is speculating as to exactly why Boeing would have included such a feature on their newest aircraft. “It’s clearly a safety feature,” aviation analyst Roger Steinberg said. “The batteries leave a smoke trail so that if the airplane does crash, authorities can find it easily.

“They could also serve as a backup lighting system for when the plane flies at night,” he added. “The flames coming out of the back really light the bird up.”

Self-proclaimed “aviation enthusiast” Shelley Dorner,

however, disagrees. “I think it’s for atmosphere,” she argued.

“There’s nothing quite like sitting around a roaring fire while you’re hurtling over the Earth at 500 miles per hour.

“Besides, the burning battery terminals turn the prettiest shade of red at night,” she added.

Airlines around the world were greatly relieved at Boeing’s announcement, and immediately put their 787s back into service. “Now that we realize that these things are supposed to catch on fire, we’re glad we can start flying them again,” United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek told reporters. “They’ve been crowding up our hangars and even the taxiways. Really annoying, especially when the batteries randomly ignite — even when the plane isn’t moving — and the smoke sets off the fire alarm. What a pain!”

The Federal Aviation Administration expressed similar feelings upon hearing the news, as it is now able to shift its attention from the 787 to more important matters, like who the hell D.B. Cooper even was.

Members of the traveling public also seemed pleased that the Dreamliner is once again in service. “Yeah, I love riding these things,” passenger David O’Toole remarked over Skype during a transpacific flight. “I mean, it’s a beautiful aircraft, and has such … hey, do you smell something?

“Umm, this thing is on fire,” he added. “Like, literally, I can smell it burning. And there is definitely smoke coming from the back … GET US OFF THIS THING! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” Mr. O’Toole was unable to be reached for further comment.

10. You’ve always wanted to be that cool older guy in class 9. You really think you can kill it in judo in the 2016 Unolympics 8. You’ve got $100,000 burning a hole in your pocket 7. You thought you were enrolled in a Ph.D. program 6. You really want to see where this whole Salon 101 thing is going 5. Fox News has made it very clear that there will be no jobs as long as Obama is in office 4. You’re majoring in African History 3. You save so much money on that bus pass 2. You’re too ashamed to go to Geisel to return “Understanding the Female Orgasm, Part 2” 1. That cute bioengineering student you’re stalking is doing it too

theMQ.org

March 13, 2013

Page 5

Starbucks Announces Mars Expansion Plans for 2019

Panhellenic Council Holds “Fundraising for Awareness of Africa” Event

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“Given the lack of administrative centralization and rampant corruption that plague the infrastructure of many Sub-Saharan African nations, most of the money we raise will not directly aid the people who so desperately need it,” said Tri Delta Lindsey Lee. This poor rover finds itself trapped, torn between where to buy the latest banjo-infused suspender-pop record.

BY TREV MALONE

Distribution Lieutenant ollowing the announcement by Paragon Space Development Corp and Millionaire Dennis Tito to send two people to Mars by 2018, global coffee chain Starbucks has revealed plans to expand to the Red Planet in 2019, intending to open “the first two coffee shops on the fourth rock from the sun.”

Eugene Marshall, a representative for the chain, described the company’s excitement at being the first company to build on Mars.

“The announcement by Paragon was just the opportunity we have been looking for to expand our brand across the solar system with a new variety of products geared specially towards the intergalactic explorer on the go.”

F

Slated Mars-exclusive items include the FreezeDried Frappucino, the Cold Unfeeling Void Espresso, and Red Planet Mocha, a vaguely spicy chocolate coffee drink.

The company has already made negotiations with NASA in which it will fund the now defunct shuttle program. The conditions of the agreement give Starbucks the right to tie the two locations, completely built, onto the back of the first Mars-bound shuttle, scheduled to arrive in 2017, so their business can be fully operational before “the customers come slowly hopping in.”

When asked to comment on who was to work at the two new locations and how they planned on handling restocking the stores, Marshall stated that “We initially had trouble convincing employees to leave Earth and work on a different planet for two new cus-

tomers, but after promising a group of homeless men outside our headquarters they would have a home if they accepted the position, we knew we had our team.”

Bernard “Ol’ Handy” Smith described his feelings towards this new career path as “better than having to … you know, as my nickname suggests … under a bridge for 35 cents.” He went on to describe his enthusiasm, saying, “The space suit has a bathroom built in it and there won’t be any of those punky kids to throw their used coffee cups at me, so I couldn’t be happier.”

Marshall outlined the further challenges to their proposed expansion, including the possibility of customer’s heads being crushed by the vacuum of space if they choose to remove their helmets to enjoy their bever-

BY GARRETT CHAN

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

ages. However, he remains optimistic, stating, “By 2018 I am confident we will have figured out a way to prevent, well, that whole space thing.”

Although public opinion following the announcement has been generally positive, groups such as MAPD, or Mothers Against Planet Discrimination, view this expansion as an act of preferential treatment towards certain celestial bodies over others.

Vivian Newman, a MAPD representative, commented, “This obvious planet-ism has gone on long enough! The people of the world deserve to pursue their caffeine addiction on whatever planet they chose.”

In response to the actions of MAPD, Rival Coffee chain Peet’s Coffee announced plans to “put a few on Uranus,” before representatives erupted in laughter.

After Success of Coke Zero, Company Plans Coke Water

T

Copy Editor

his past weekend, UCSD’s Panhellenic Sorority Council held its first annual Fundraising for Awareness of Africa event. Festivities kicked off Saturday with a bikini tug-of-war, which was meant to symbolize the “naked, primal struggle common to all mankind, but especially those who still do manual labor shirtless,” followed by a luau dinner and an outdoor sleepover, which the council deemed “evocative without being almost racist.” This was the fifth Panhellenic charitable event in as many years, excluding the time several sorority girls drunkenly donated over $1,000 to a trio of gay strippers.

PHC Vice President of Service Maggie Matteson commented that the idea for the event came following the devastation wrought last October

by Hurricane Sandy, in addition to the disgust over American interrogation practices as portrayed in “Zero Dark Thirty.” The council held a meeting after those events, which led to a highly tangential discussion of American power and influence in geopolitics and concluded that efforts should focus on “Africa problems.”

“A lot of the girls at the meeting felt that, like, we weren’t doing enough to address the polisocioeconomical problems in Africa,” Matteson said. “And we wanted to do something with animal prints, specifically leopards — which do live in Africa, by the way — so the ideas all came together quite well.”

The Panhellenic Council also invited several fraternities to the event. In accordance with Greek tradition, the men performed lap dances and strip teases, but to the rhythm of “We are the World” and Shakira’s “Waka Waka.” The women were encouraged to throw

money at the performers, which would be later collected for charity.

“It was really weird,” one sorority member noted. “I was more aroused by the combined vocal efforts of Stevie Wonder, Dionne Warwick and Cyndi Lauper than anything Shakira was putting out. I wanted to shove a 20 into my guy’s piggy bank — you know, the place where the top of his butt cheeks meet — every time I heard ‘so let’s start giving.’”

The council collected over $5,000 in dancing money by the end of Saturday night, which they considered a rousing success. However, detractors mocked the event’s name, saying that it exemplified the shallowness and superficiality of Greek life.

“Okay, maybe the name is a little stupid,” Matteson said. “I mean, I’m sure even the dumbest sorority girl here — Becky, sit down and stop clapping. Why are you proud of that? — knows that Africa exists, is not a country and has telephones and reruns of ‘CSI.’ It’s not solely a place where we can collectively unload our first-world problems.

“Besides,” she added, “How much thought were you giving to Africa — an entire freaking continent — before you heard about this? Not very much, huh? Didn’t think so.”

Alpha Chi Omega sister Karen Grace attended the event with an open mind and high expectations for its success.

“People are going to hate on us no matter what we do.

If we don’t strip down to our leopard G-strings to play tugof-war, we’ll get nasty texts from Sigma Chi saying we’re prudes and that our orifices are as loose as their no-hazing policy — and though those are contradictory ideas, we’ll be getting it from both sides at the same time.

“Shut up,” she added. “I heard it. I heard it.”

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Dasani’s high bleach content makes it an excellent solution for cleaning these vats,” said one Coca-Cola employee.

BY SAM BARTLEMAN

Staff Writer ollowing record-high sales of “Coke Zero,” Coca-Cola’s popular low-calorie beverage, the company announced plans to release “Coke Water,” a groundbreaking liquid that executives claim will revolutionize soda drinking because it poses no evident health risks from daily consumption.

Scientists have been skeptical of Coke’s claims that the drink will be “completely clear, hydrating, healthy, and won’t take years off your life due to cancer or diabetes.”

The creation of such a drink has long been considered impossible. “Coke Water will be the Holy Grail of beverages,” Coca-Cola Head De-carbonation Chemist Emmett Sherwin said.

F

Preliminary surveys showed that the drink tested positively among all demographics, including adults aged 18 to 100, children, and even the sick and elderly, while still maintaining the Coca-Cola image and not killing anyone, typically by being the capstone to incredibly unhealthy eating habits.

“Everyone said it was impossible to make a drink with fewer calories than Coke Zero,” Sherwin said. “But our crack team of scientists has spent years researching and perfecting the formula for Coke Water. Because of CocaCola policy, I can’t tell you the secret recipe, but basically, we took the core components of Coke Zero, removed any chemicals that are considered poisonous to the human body, and then poured what was left over into a cup. It’s so simple!”

Studies conducted by Coca-Cola have indicated that drinking Coke Water several times a day may improve consumers’ physical health.

Chemists initially doubted that there existed a feasible way to create a drink that is refreshing, hydrating, tasty and does not lead to a lifethreatening illness as a result of frequent consumption. But if the company’s studies hold up, Coke Water could be established as a commodity that adds years to the American life expectancy.

“I’m aware that by drinking three Cokes a day, I’m significantly increasing my chances of experiencing costly health complications by age 50, but what other choice do I have?” soda-drinker John Lovett said.

“It’s not like potable liquid just flows out of the earth, fit for human consumption.”

Coca-Cola has already introduced Coke Water to focus groups to test in revolutionary transparent plastic containers that will allow the consumer to see exactly how much liquid remains.

Although the clear container has been received positively, surveys indicated that Coke Water will become a market staple because Americans are interested in “drinking a delicious, frosty Coca-Cola without the gripping guilt that they just irreversibly inched slightly closer to death.”

While Coca-Cola plans to officially unveil its product during a press conference next week, rumors have already sprung up that China has begun developing a cheap knockoff of the product that is simply called “water.”

Lesser-Known Consequences of Sequestration 10. CSPANs 7-12 shut down 9. White House must lay off overweight kids employed in Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden 8. 50 percent less gaiety on NPR 7. Cuts to the military, for once 6. Sasha and Malia required to give half of their Girl Scout Cookie sales earnings to the IRS 5. Forced to stop secretly funding Bashar alAssad’s regime 4. Mrs. Applebee raises her suggested classroom donation to $5 3. Can no longer afford to ask, tell 2. Implementation of “Okay, So a Few Children Left Behind” 1. Obamas forced to move to White Townhouse

Page 6

theMQ.org

March 13, 2013

THE MQ’s Guide to Being Eco... At Home!

- Trade in those energy-wasting CFLs for some eco-friendly whale fat lamps - Plug in your fridge only when you need it - Recycle your cans before you use them - Try not to break your TV so often - Don’t flush your toilets

Compost the bodies in your basement

... With Transportation!

- You don’t need to travel, you’ve got an imagination - With enough confidence, you can bike on the freeway - Become a bus driver, shuttle yourself everywhere - Dump your Hummer into the ocean - Walk like the peasant you are

Organize a daily parade to all of your classes

March 13, 2013

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Page 7

-Friendly... ... In Your Social Life!

- Become a vegetarian, and tell everyone how great it is to be a vegetarian - Successfully organize your peers to quell climate change and smash capitalism - “Like” the “environment” on “Facebook” - Replace your trash talk with recycle talk

Stop talking to limit CO2 emissions

Reduce length of weekly coal orgies

- Throw out your non-recycled paper and buy recycled paper - Drive 200 miles to a convention on greening your campus - Hang out in Muir College, ‘cause John Muir liked trees - Use green books instead of blue books - Print on all three sides of the paper

... At School !

Instead of textbooks, use the Exxon Mobil™ Gasoline Powered Backdraft E-Reader

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Page 8

Chelyabinsk Meteor Just Misses Actually Important City

March 13, 2013

Avian Waste Ruins Man’s Day, New Suit US Declares Interspecies War

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“War does not determine who is right, only who is left.”

— Bertrand Russell

BY TREV MALONE Social Chair

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“Where’s your revolution of the proletariat now, old man?” Putin asked the preserved body of former Party Secretary Lenin.

“Oh right, you’re de — wait a minute, did you just feel that?”

BY DYLAN BLACKIE Staff Writer

O

n Friday, February 15, a very important and cool city in Russia just missed total and complete destruction by the meteor that slammed violently into the city of Chelyabinsk.

The impact came as a huge surprise to most astronomers, who had not anticipated or predicted the event.

Many scientists and experts in the field explained that the meteor, much like Chelyabinsk, was “really just way too small, unimportant, and insignificant to be deemed meaningful in any way whatsoever.”

Following the impact, an in-depth survey and analysis of the impacted region was conducted. The analysis confirmed that nothing of even the slightest interest or value was damaged or af-

fected in any way. The landscape of Chelyabinsk was determined to be “destroyed and pretty much completely unlivable” as well as “virtually unchanged since the impact.”

“It was really a close call,” Patricia Hurwitz, one eyewitness of the event commented. “I was really worried as I saw the flaming ball of rock and space dust hurtling towards us at unfathomable speed. But fortunately, it went straight past us and hit that city over there.

“I’m pretty sure it starts with an S,” she went on to add.

Sources confirmed that a sum of energy equivalent to approximately 20 to 30 atomic bombs was expelled over the city with that pierogi stand that most visitors describe as “just really awful” and “you know, not really that great or anything.”

Reports of the just over 1,000 people who were injured as a result of the impact came from the totally trivial and irrelevant plot of land that some people apparently find bearable enough to live in. The direct impact of the meteor actually caused very few injuries, and most of the injuries were caused from broken glass and debris from the pathetic little buildings that no one in their right mind would even think to call home.

Various residents of Chelyabinsk explained how the glass “just shattered everywhere and ended up in pieces all over the ground,” much like they found their dreams upon moving to Chelyabinsk.

The terribly sad, depressed human being named Jackie Shurwood, who is apparently masochistic enough to call herself mayor of the godforsaken town, held a press con-

ference following the impact.

“I’m really excited for all the publicity and attention this will bring our city,” Shurwood explained. “Like, people will know us as the city that got hit by a meteor, instead of just where they stop off to get gas on their way to their actual important and cool destination.

“Oh, and also, my sincerest condolences go out to those who have been affected by this terrible natural disaster,” she added.

At press time, residents of the important city right next to Chelyabinsk reported feelings of relief that the meteor missed them, but also annoyance by how loud and disruptive the meteor impact was. “It just seems really disrespectful to their neighbors, when we actually have important things to do,” one nearby resident explained. “This is just so typical Chelyabinsk, you know?”

Tritons Whenever “I’m sorry, what was that? This podcast is really engrossing haha NOT!” AS President

Brad Breault

VP Student Affairs

Dolores Mitchell

VP Irrelevance

Stephen Tran

A

rea man Newt Paulman was violently assaulted last Tuesday by what witnesses described as “Renegade Avian Waste of Mass Destruction,” resulting in the instantaneous destruction of his suit.

Such violence by RAWMDs has prompted not only the protest of the Dapper Gents for Herringbone Rights Association, but also increased public outcry over domestic-avianbased terrorism in the United States.

Paulman described the event as not only “an attack on all fashionable working men, but an attack on the concept of freedom of expression itself.

Look at these burgundy wingtip oxfords, could they match this suit any more perfectly; I think not. Anyone who could desecrate such style is obviously influenced by nothing but hate itself.”

Terrorist group Al-Quail-da has taken responsibility for the attack and has cited the event as “another milestone in our journey against the murderous United States and their worship of the demon they call Colonel Sanders.”

The group also threatened to release “a white hellfire uric acid” if their demands to remove all fake owls from American roofs are not met. This display of violence against the United States has been the group’s first attack since its founding in 1865 by the pet parakeet of John Wilkes Booth. One particularly vocal pelican commented on the group’s history, stating, “Yeah

the whole avian flu thing just kinda happened. You’d think it was us, but nope.”

Trent Yelman, a representative for the Central Avian Intelligence Agency, revealed that their retaliation tactics will be based on the premise that the United States does not negotiate with terrorists under any circumstances.

The attack has prompted more questions than answers, such as the concern of how birds organized a terrorist group given that their brains are allegedly the size of walnuts. The attack also has avian analysts wondering why the birds do not simply avoid the fake owls if they are aware that they are fake.

The CAIA insists that, although their agency has a large amount of work ahead of them in the coming weeks, the public can rest assured that they are working tirelessly to evaluate the situation. Yelman stated, “Our top priority is protecting American lives and tasteful pocket squares.”

The United States has declared war on Al-Quail-da since the attack, vowing to seek out and stop the spread of RAWMDs. Representatives urge the public to avoid any contact with birds and not to, no matter the circumstances, let any grandfather feed the pigeons bread at the park. “Any one of them could be a freedom-hating demon in disguise,” Yelman explained.

In an effort to raise awareness of the dangers of RAWMDs domestically, the Department of Homeland Security has adopted a slogan of “Bird is the word ... if you hate America!”

Platform:

- More napkins at Bombay Coast - Money will be given to student orgs, but probably less than you would like - Petty slate politics will prevent us from making any significant change - All students will receive email construction alerts

TOP TEN

Things Overheard at a Bris

Ride the Wing “I’ll always be your wingman” AS President

Alvin Wing Platform:

- A 99 Ranch will replace Sunshine Market - Library will remain open - Level Peterson Hill to make campus more bike-friendly - Every student will receive 40 acres and a significant other

Associate VP of Dreams

Will Kannenberg

Associate VP of Hopes

Paul Erdelyi

10. “Shit, everybody look on the ground! It’s gotta be around here somewhere!”

9. “Rabbi, I thought I get 30% off this next Bris!”

8. “Father, what the hell are you doing here?”

7. “So I guess we’re having Wienerschnitzel for lunch?”

6. “Is it just me, or is it getting horny in here?”

5. “Let’s remember that the first Bris was a bunch of people cutting their dicks in the desert.”

4. “Oh, Bris party! What the hell am I gonna do with all this iced tea?”

3. “Rabbi Cohen, now is not the time for your Edward Scissorhands impression” 2. “Hey, want to see the results of my Bris?”

1. “Can you hold my scotch? All right, let’s use sharp tools on this baby’s penis!”

MQ

THE

Unlike other orgs, we don’t fake the funk.

Tuesdays, 6p.m. Half Dome, Spring Quarter

theMQ.org

March 13, 2013

Page 9

UCSD Rising in March Madness Rankings

World Indifferent to Area Man’s Pain

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Check out this loser in line wearing like, no color. Doesn’t he know it’s spring?

BY MONICA BHIDE Managing Editor

PHOTO BY ANDREW DENERIS

Initial attempts to remove Dick Vitale from the women’s bathroom on the 7th floor of Geisel Library have proven unsuccessful, baby.

BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN Graphics Editor

D

espite the recent failure of the referendum to move UC San Diego’s athletic program to NCAA Division I competition, the school and men’s basketball team still prepare for and keep avid track of March Madness. Recent measures by the school’s administration have promoted improved mental health and stress awareness, but mental breakdown and psychotic episode rates are expected to rise nonetheless, potentially surpassing annual powerhouses like Harvard, Stanford, and Southern North Dakota State University at Bismarck in most weekly rankings by a national mental health clinics poll.

Due to upcoming finals and studious spring breaks, UCSD students have a chance

for a last-second bump in rankings. The grueling quarter system has ground students to a pulp, having Chancellor Khosla eying the top spot.

“It’s always Cal this, Cal that or Harvard this, Harvard that! It’s about time we get some recognition around here!” Khosla remarked. “I mean, aside from being one of the top public universities in the country, having an idyllic Southern California location, and a bitchin’ giant inflatable Sun God.” As a way to fuel general madness, professors have been stepping up to challenge, frustrate, and demoralize students. By boasting the lowest grade point average inflation in the country, UCSD’s ranking is strongly buoyed by post-organic chemistry examination despair.

“I don’t know if it’s true or not, but my friend said she once saw someone’s soul literally get crushed when she received her exam,” said fourth year student Amanda Robinson. “Nearby students failed the exam as well because they couldn’t concentrate over the sound of her sobbing.”

While discouraged, schools have been quick to facilitate violent episodes of psychotic rage as a cheap method to gain recognition in the polls and intimidate rival schools. UCSD has largely avoided such incidents where potential for injury to students is mostly caused by the general apathy of studying students.

“I can’t imagine a student resorting to violence to gain ground on another schools. I mean, would it really be worth the effective automatic jump

to first place?” Khosla said.

“Would a student really stoop low enough to go for the university-funded $1000 reward?

How dare someone think of such a thing knowing that administration and law enforcement would turn a blind eye just to raise UCSD’s position!”

Given the uncertainty to direct campus-wide initiatives to push the mental limits of students, some schools often resort to selecting students to specifically ruin curves and ask needless clarity questions in the middle of lecture. UCSD’s student for this task, Michael Lin, has been a significant contributor to the school’s rise by personally ruining three curves in organic chemistry and causing two professors to cram two weeks worth of material into the last lecture of class.

“Basketball?” Lin asked.

“What’s that?”

Guy from I-House Has, Like, the Cutest Accent

Y

esterday, area man Bruce Webler waited in line at Starbucks, shocked by the way the world continued on as if he hadn’t just lost his father to lung cancer that morning.

Webler, whose friends described as having a “strained and tumultuous relationship” with his now-deceased father, was observed gritting his teeth as the woman in front of him in line, frequent customer Elaine Sherman, frantically searched her purse for a punch card to get a free squirt of syrup in her grande half-caf iced caramel macchiato with extra whip.

“She did this last time, too,” Webler said. “And the time before. She dropped the card on the ground last week. She’s going to have to get a new one again.”

“I can’t seem to find my punch card — could I get another one?” Sherman asked as Webler shook his head and stared in wonder at her total oblivion to his grief, anxiety and, dare he say it — relief.

“You know what? Could I actually get the raspberry pound cake, too?” Sherman added.

Webler went through with his daily Starbucks order of a venti latte and added a miniature scone, despite rumors of his father’s unpaid hospital bills and his own looming credit card debt.

“I’ll get the mini scone. I didn’t have much breakfast this morning,” Webler said, mostly to himself. “Plus, my dad died.”

“What can I get you today, sir?” barista-in-training Kelly Lipton asked, smiling as though completely unaware of the intense emotional trauma Webler had been coping with

since 7:15 the previous night.

“Excuse me? Sir? Can you hear me?”

“Wow, she sounds just like my wife,” Webler said as he stared through a coffee stirrer. “Um, ex-wife,” he added.

“God, I miss my kids,” he continued, blinking away tears.

“Venti iced latte, for Bruce?” Lipton said. “Why is he crying? What did I do wrong now? I can’t take this bullshit anymore,” she continued, ripping off her apron and storming to the back of the coffeehouse.

Webler’s time at Starbucks was largely overlooked by fellow coffeehouse customers.

“The pound cake was pretty good, I guess,” Sherman commented. “The raspberry preserves were really artificial, kind of gelatinous, like … wait, Webler who? You know, I actually have to go. My dog is in the car.”

Later, Webler was observed sighing as he retrieved his drink. “They made it nonfat — I wanted soy,” he said, aggressively nibbling his scone.

“Dad would’ve told me to be a man and correct my order,” he said, debating whether it was worth risking his lactose intolerance. “He also always said to ‘Never inconvenience a beautiful lady, unless she’s an old bag, like your mother,’” Webler thought, smiling. He was going to miss the crazy things his father always said.

While driving home, Webler was cut off by area woman and soon-to-be mother Claire Hamilton, who was driving herself to the hospital after her water broke while she was home alone.

“If only she knew about the day I’ve had,” Webler said. “It’s sad how little people seem to care about others these days.”

TOP TEN

Failed Slogans for Roots

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

The four students in the background were confused, but nonetheless charmed, when Baker appeared to begin talking to his arm.

BY JACK BEEGAN Content Editor

A

team of graduate students from UCSD’s anthropology department has reported a research breakthrough, discovering what preliminary conclusions call “just the cutest accent.” The accent, possessed

by English exchange student Joshua Lewis Baker of the University of Manchester, who calls the Kathmandu apartments home for the year, saw unrivaled success in test subjects “laughing flirtatiously,” “asking lots of questions,” and “playing with their hair.”

“I dunno, he’s just, like, so precious when he talks,” said research team leader Greg Yannakis. “There’s something about Australian accents.

They’re just irresistible.”

Reports indicate that researchers listened attentively to Baker, despite his lack of conversational skills extending beyond the topics of “Doctor Who,” La Jolla’s lack of good tea, and where to get good food in the greater San Diego area.

“I can’t believe I’ve met so many people who think ‘Doctor Who’ has been constantly trying to recapture the original magic of the first Doctor!”

Baker said, charmingly pushing up his glasses and taking an absolutely adorable puff from his inhaler. “That would be William Hartnell, who played the Doctor from 1963-1966.

“Actors with theater experience are hard to beat,” he added, before taking a totally sweet sip of the single beer he had been nursing all night, seemingly indifferent to how warm it had become

after an hour and a half in his tiny, sweaty palms.

While researchers are still struggling to understand what the charming Baker means by “Doctor Who,” “magic,” and “theater,” they are certain that they are onto what might be the next big breakthrough in the burgeoning new field of accentology, a fledgling program at UCSD that was originally established so that students from Northern California could be understood in discussion.

“Doctor What? That’s it, right? Whatever. To tell you the truth, I couldn’t really give a damn,” said Asante resident Angela Malkinson. “But you try saying no to that adorable Australian guy.”

Though the study analyzed recordings of English spoken by non-native speakers from locations all over the world, ranging from Abkhaz-

ia to Zaire, many researchers quickly found that they could make research more convenient by visiting I-House on Thursday, Friday or Saturday nights, armed with voice recorders, mild social aptitude, and cigarettes from the La Jolla Village CVS, hoping to observe I-House students in their natural environment.

Baker has still remained largely oblivious to the prettiness of his accent, which lies in the “super cute” range on the Romero-Yu scale commonly used to judge the attractiveness of students. “I still don’t understand why everyone is telling me they’re going to study abroad in Australia,” he said. “I’ve never been there before in my life.”

“That’s where we sent our criminals — who just so happened to be the only interesting people we had in Britain.”

10. Did you notice we’re right under Pines?

Whoa 9. In case the Food Co-op feels too dangerous for you 8. A panda walks into a dining hall, eats Roots and leaves 7. If you’re old enough to sulk about El Mercado being gone, you should probably stop complaining and try to graduate 6. It’s not all bad … we have sweet potato fries!

5. Thanks to us, UCSD tops another meaningless college list 4. Not actually an acquired taste; we just suck 3. We’re still waiting to hear back from LeVar Burton 2. Life is a tragic farce; the final joke is death 1. Please stop stealing our chairs

theMQ.org

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March 13, 2013

Students Miss Life-Changing Opportunity on Library Walk

Benedict XVI Hoping Nobody Cares if He Still Wears Pope Hat

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“For god’s sake, Ratzinger,” said one bartender. “You never pay your tab and you’ve been yelling ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ for the last hour! Don’t you have a tour to get to?”

BY ALISON GILCHRIST

Staff Writer ollowing the announcement of Pope Benedict’s resignation, news outlets and citizens alike began to speculate over what the retired pope would do next. Because no pope has resigned since Gregory XII over six centuries ago, his post-retirement path was unclear — most details of the 15th-century pope’s retirement were lost in a celebratory retirement party held at his swanky Italian bachelormonastery in coastal resort town Ancora. Church authorities are working to address a number of concerns that have emerged since Benedict XVI’s resignation, such as the ex-pope’s future accommodations, responsibilities and right to use the Popemobile for weekend errands.

Since the announcement, many of these concerns have — at least in part — been resolved. Benedict XVI will be known as Pope Emeritus and will live in a monastery in Vatican City formally used by nuns. A team of interiordesign experts is working to accommodate the ex-pope’s aesthetic preferences to ensure a comfortable retirement.

“I have a feeling those nuns don’t have much of a knack for interior design. I’ve seen their other monasteries, and let me just say, they take ‘minimalism’ to an uncomfortable level.”

Benedict said. “Hey, cardinals, one of you should tweet that.”

“Cardinals. Tweeting. Get it?

Ugh. They have no sense of humor,” he added.

The Vatican also announced that Benedict XVI would retain limited privileges as suited to his status, although the exact provisions have not yet been stipulated. Questions arose over whether Benedict will surrender his possessions willingly when, at his resignation ceremony, he seemed unwilling to part with the papal tiara.

“I’m just gonna keep this on, if nobody minds,” Benedict said. “Yeah, uh, I’ll be in the Popemobile if anybody needs me,” he continued as he slipped a large bulletproof glass hat over his head to discreetly protect the decorative hat.

In the hours following the ceremony, news outlets re-

F Witnesses are still unsure as to how Jesus wandered onto the set of “Aliens versus Sexual Predator.”

BY SAM BARTLEMAN

R

Staff Writer

eports confirmed that aliens from a distant galaxy successfully transcended the space-time barrier to arrive at UCSD on Wednesday morning, but soon returned to their home planet after being largely ignored by the student body.

The travelers parked their rectangular space teleporter at the edge of Library Walk and attempted to make first contact by offering cures for numerous debilitating diseases and the secrets to unlocking science and technology, but appeared to be rebuked at every instance.

“I saw those guys,” explained sophomore Jenna Saxer. “But like most students at UCSD, I have deep-seated anxiety towards even the tiniest amount of anonymous, formulaic social interaction so I didn’t take a flier or anything.”

Witnesses reported that not a single student made eye contact with the space travelers. Noting their out-ofplace appearance and an unsettling, cult-like urgency in their pleading tone, students were instantly repulsed by the visitors.

“Wow, Greenpeace is getting aggressive this year,” one misled passer-by commented.

After several failed attempts to forcibly place the informational pamphlets in humanoid hands, the aliens changed tactics.

“We have crafted human ‘shirts’ with our planet’s initials on them to better ease into first contact with the Earthlings. They’re printed in Greek, which we thought all human languages are a derivative of, but so far these humans seem to dislike them,” said extra-terrestrial Yalborb Rajmlak in his telepathic space log. He added that if only they had camped

next to the Quidditch booth, they might have been able to attract more attention.

Only after trying out several strategic flyering positions did the aliens truly realize the futility of their mission. They had not imagined that the passing humanoids could so determinedly escape an opportunity to be offered the solutions to man’s most complex mathematics.

Using advanced technology, the otherworldly beings estimated over 150 snubs, 136 cold shoulders, 78 averted eyes, 50 mutterings of “sorry, late to class,” 42 watch checks, 15 fake coughs, and one hallucinating homeless man. Despite these setbacks, the travelers refused to give up their mission.

In an effort to conserve fuel, the aliens decided to temporarily power down the teleporter, severing their links through space. Heavy guttural noise and random sound effects could be heard

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

for forty-five seconds followed by three ear-splitting minutes of what could only be described as a vuvuzela being destroyed by a garbage disposal.

Unfortunately, most witnesses assumed it was just the Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity blasting shitty house music again.

“Perhaps we should have brought a bag of cheap candy,” remarked Legrob Jex, captain of the XP-8’s voyage to Earth. “These humans are so reserved about making the slightest contact with another living thing. I’m amazed they worked up the courage to look in the mirror this morning.”

By three o’clock, the foreign visitors decided to return home, speculating that perhaps next time they might have better success sharing the secrets of the universe near RIMAC, where the humanoids appear to be less socially inept.

Student Outraged After Power Outage Causes Beloved Snowball to Melt

BY WESLEY CHAN

Assistant Business Editor or some students, last Thursday’s power outage meant not waking up in time for their afternoon class and a missed opportunity to press the “snooze” on their alarm for the third time in a 10-minute period. But for junior Patrick Marsh, the lack of electricity meant the untimely melting of his only friend, Herbert the snowball.

Herbert was less than three months old.

“I did all I could to save him,” Marsh said, as he used the standard issue razor-thin toilet paper from the dorm bathroom stalls to mop up what remained of his pet. “I even begged the dining halls to let me borrow their freezer, but they just turned away and pretended not to hear me.

They even said something about bad hygiene and not knowing where the snowball has been. It’s totally unfair.”

Marsh and Herbert share a loving history together, having met last December in the slopes of Big Bear, a popular destination for UC San Diego students eager to escape the rigors of the fresh ocean breezes and warm sunshine.

Fear of having to return to the dreaded warmth and the desire to capture fleeting memories of his youth prompted Marsh to pack a round piece of snow into the cooler with him on the trip back home.

F

ported several sightings of “a big, glass box on wheels” traveling 80 miles per hour outside of Vatican City. Benedict was also seen at multiple Italian casinos, in a CVS staring longingly at an issue of Sports Illustrated, and at a bar called Sciatto di Giovanni, which loosely translates to “Sloppy Joe’s.”

Despite reports of the expope’s poor health coupled with his behavior during the ceremony, recent interviews with Benedict indicate that his health has improved since his decision to resign. His own complaints during the last year of his tenure ranged from “chest pain” to “lung failure” to “diaper rash.”

However, since leaving the papacy, Benedict has appeared to have had a speedy recovery. His daily routine now includes a five-mile run in which he is carried on the shoulders of four running monks, calming yoga and Pilates sessions, and a strenuous game of lawn bowling.

Benedict’s resignation means an end to his involvement in affairs of the church, including his work planning charitable missions, performing religious ceremonies, and maintaining international relations. He discussed his thoughts on no longer having to participate in the day-today administration and social sphere of the Vatican City.

“Oh, my God, the place is a social inferno. Do you have any idea of how annoying bishops are?” Benedict said. “No concept of personal space. Archbishop John Worthington must’ve borrowed my signed copy of ‘The Da Vinci Code’ like a hundred times, and I’m sure he didn’t ask once. There’s gotta be something in the Bible that says that’s not cool.”

Benedict has expressed excitement over his more open and flexible schedule now that he is no longer responsible for meeting the demands of the papacy.

“If I want to hit up Hollister on a Sunday morning in just my casual-Friday Hawaiian-print robes and this badass hat, I can!” Benedict said.

“Who’s gonna stop me? I was the goddamn pope!”

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

Tragedy struck yet again as all the snowball’s friends and family who attended the funeral melted shortly after the service ended.

The University of California has issued a statement regarding compensation for the unwanted transformation of Herbert: “As unfortunate as this situation is, we cannot be held responsible for the damages sustained

by Herbert during the recent power outage. Unlike rocks, snowballs are not a valid pet according to university policy, due to the liabilities they present. Foreign snowpets pose a safety hazard for students — creating wet, slippery floors,

and their potential misuse as a weapon for assault against unsuspecting faculty members with Rate My Professors scores of less than 2.”

Not satisfied with the consolatory 25%-off-anyUCSD-gear coupon issued by the university’s small claims court, Marsh plans to sue the University of California system in federal court for refusing to acknowledge the rights to life and substance of Herbert. Sure that children elsewhere in the world are

having the same difficulties in being acknowledged for their hardships, Herbert is planning on starting a Kickstarter campaign to raise awareness of how the world would be a better place if human rights were granted to inanimate entities.

“I just wish I bought a life insurance policy for Herbert,” Marsh said as he wiped his last teardrop. “That way I can buy another ticket to Big Bear and settle for his family members instead.”

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March 13, 2013

Psychoanalyst Discovers He Has Brain

Page 11

Student Acquaintances Struggle to Make Small Talk at Tapioca Express

PHOTO BY BRIANNA BLUMENTHAL-COHEN

“Coming up next, our musical guest: some jerk playing lame covers of hip hop songs on his ukelele!” said Chancellor Khosla, before words from our sponsors.

BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER

Associate Content Editor

O You see a man. You see the same man in a dress. You see a brain. Maybe a vulva. Who knows?

BY ALEX ROSENGARTEN

D

Staff Writer

r. Christenson Levey, a renowned psychoanalyst known for spending years in search of a physical manifestation of consciousness and the right time to “tell that prick Jespers down the hall his Abu-Dhabi! is secondrate at best,” reached a breakthrough last month after a nearly fatal accident.

“I made my discovery on the hippopotamus! back to my practice,” Levey reported. “I was contemplating my mother after sexually un-repressing my wife when I became an unwitting shampoo! in a colleague’s study, titled ‘Pain: Do Other People Feel It?’” The aforementioned study involved dropping psychol-

ogy textbooks on pedestrians from one side of the building and dropping feathers from the other, with some unknown objective in mind. “Science is wonderful in that pancakes!

It’s amazing how one critical investigation can inspire another,” Levey commented.

High praise has followed Levey’s paper. For instance, Levey’s graduate school professor, Dr. Richard Bradford of DeVry University, said, “I am so proud of my former student. I had never seen anything more brilliant since his Ph.D. thesis, ‘Consciousness: People Wake Up When You Poke Them With Stick.’ Chris has done it again!”

Psychologists in the field have called the paper “shocking,” leaving many speechless.

Levey has not seen so much

attention since his 2007 paper, “Case Study: Clergymen and Oral Sex During the Oral Stage,” which made waves in the psychology world as insiders laughed at the arguably clever wordplay before confronting their status as terrible human beings for finding pedophilia funny.

The paper is regarded as a deeply personal exploration of psychoanalysis that combines Wilhelm Reich’s influences on body psychology and psychosexual theory with Levey’s own experience in the hospital. Primary reports indicated Wilhelm Reich to be “actually a real guy,” but further research discovered him to be “actually a real guy who’s been dead for about half a century.”

The psychoanalyst awoke three days later in the intensive

PHOTO BY ANGELIQUE DECASTRO

care unit with a cracked skull and a post-op CAT scan by his bedside. “Somehow he was excited in his delirium,” his wife, Dr. Anya Kenneth Levey said. “He kept mumbling that he had a breakthrough. I told him a surprisingly large book on Sigmund Freud’s cocaine use broke through his head.”

“I remember I Milwaukee!” Levey remembered. “In bed when the doctor came over and showed me a chart with that thing, that gray wrinkly thing between your ears and I cribbage! Right there and then that I had the Jai-Lai! I was looking for all along.

“Finnimbrum!” he added before shoving a kelly green crayola crayon up his left nostril in triumph.

NEWS IN BRIEF PART DEUX ANTI-SOCIAL STUDENTS HIT HARD BY SATURDAY NIGHT FIRE ALARM Freshman students residing in Muir College’s Tioga Hall were outraged Saturday after a fire alarm went off at 9:30 p.m. forcing them to evacuate their otherwise empty dorm rooms and be in the presence of others.

“I can’t believe I’m out here with all these people,” complained resident Janice Hermann. “I had planned to be inside all night with my hand shoved into my pan — uh, a bag of chips.”

Students spent most of the time outside, waiting anxiously to be let back into the building. Most seemed to be settled in for the night when the alarm went off, leaving most grossly unprepared for evacuation.

“Ugh, I can’t believe I had to put on pants for this,” muttered freshman Jimmy Wong.

“I was just in the middle of a great episode of ‘Chicks With Huge Ti’ — I mean, uh, ‘Homeland.’

“Yeah, I love that show.

Damian Lewis is a national treasure,” he added.

The students, who had nothing but “a relaxing night of reading responses on their OKCup — I mean, doing homework studying or something” planned, were forced to wait outside in the cold for nearly 30 minutes before they were allowed back inside to resume their previous activities.

“Ugh, finally! This fresh evening air was starting to give me hives,” mumbled Wong.

USE OF LIVE AMMO RUSSIAN SATELLITE FACEBOOK ALLOWS IN ANNUAL BOSTON RUINED BY CHINESE PERSONALIZATION MASSACRE REENSPACE DEBRIS — OF NEWS FEED, ACTMENT DEEMED CHINA CLAIMS NEWS FEED BE“TOO REALISTIC” “NOT OUR DEBRIS.” COMES PORN FEED For the fourth year running, a reenactment of the Boston Massacre featuring live ammunition ended in tragedy, as 5 people dressed as colonial protesters were killed while many others were wounded.

“It could have been worse,” one observer reported. “There was one year where they hired expert marksmen as the redcoats. That ended badly.”

While critics have described the annual event as “barbaric” and “wholly unnecessary,” its organizers defend the use of live ammunition, arguing that it is essential for a realistic reenactment. “The fact that people who see this event actually witness the death of innocent protesters really drives our message home,” chairwoman of the Lethal Historical Society, Lisa Hamilton, said to reporters. “We’ve been occupied by the British before, and I’ll be damned if it’s going to happen again!”

After widespread public protests against the annual slaughter of reenactors, and an equally strong backlash in favor of “extreme historical realism,” the Boston mayor’s office said in a statement that they will attempt to seek a reasonable compromise.

“We can probably all agree that the use of dozens of actual musket rounds is excessive,” read the statement. “We humbly suggest that future reenactments try to limit the number of deaths to one or two.

“Maybe three, at the absolute most.”

Following the incapacitation of a Russian satellite by a fragment of a destroyed Chinese spacecraft, China announced Tuesday that it would not pay for the repairs.

Chinese Premier Wen Jiaboa stated that “At most, we will go halfsies on the repairs.

[Vladimir Putin], we know you have insurance. Just call those Geek Patrol guys; they’ll cover it for you.”

Russian Prime Minister Putin responded that, despite their insurance status, “You just want to increase our deductible? Have you seen how expensive satellite insurance is in this economy? We are not going to get slammed just ‘cause China can’t keep track of its space junk.”

The incident escalated when Putin called the number left on a note attached to the satellite, only to discover that Jiaboa had given him a fake number, writing the note only because his children were watching and he was trying to teach them the value of responsibility.

To solve the conflict, representatives from both countries will meet in Sweden for bilateral, UN-mediated talks.

“The way we see it, both sides are at fault,” said UN Representative Anderson Falcao.

“China shouldn’t have been on the phone while it was working on projects intended to be shot into space. At the same time, the Russian satellite was heavily under the influence of alcohol.”

Last week, CEO and bigballed person Mark Zuckerberg updated Facebook to introduce a feature that has been in high demand from Facebook users: the update of News Feed to include personalized news sections. “I read everything on my news feed,” Zuckerberg said as he flicked maniacally through a photo album cataloguing his ex-girlfriends by age, blood type and Risk skill level. This new option allows users to find exactly the “news” they seek by choosing from three tiered options: Local News, Perverted News, and Webcam News.

“Now, users will be under better surveillance — I mean, have better access to their Facebook friends,” Zuckerberg said. Investigative reports indicated that the first items to pop up on all three of Zuckerberg’s feeds were [Facebook co-founder] Eduardo Saverin’s status updates, photos, and home video surveillance.

“I want to see everything that bastard does,” Zuckerberg said. “Yeah, um, Facebook’s great for keeping up with old friends.”

“I hope that one day, Facebook will have features that allow us to reclaim old friendships,” Zuckerberg said of his future plans for Facebook.

“Whether or not our friends want to participate,” he added as he hugged an Eduardo Saverin body pillow close to his side.

n Monday at 4 p.m., Thurgood Marshall College sophomores and former Dimensions of Culture classmates Sami Schafer and Kristin Yi were observed attempting to make friendly conversation after they unexpectedly ran into one another in line at Tapioca Express. The meeting between the two was initiated after Schafer acknowledged Yi’s backpack “with the purple fuzzy keychain thingy.”

“I knew it was [Yi] ‘cause I recognized her keychain,” Schafer said during a call to her boyfriend shortly after her conversation with Yi. “I just said hi — I didn’t realize we’d be forced to make conversation for the entire time,” she continued, putting her head in her hands.

“I was in line for TapEx, and I guess she noticed my keychain,” Yi said later as she avoided making eye contact with Schafer, who was sitting at a table 15 feet away. “The purple one, yeah. Haha. It’s weird. I got it like a year ago, I think. I don’t know why [Schafer] remembered it,” she added.

Onlookers watched Yi and Schafer make a concerted effort to initiate a stream of conversation about the DOC class they took together, their social lives, political preferences and the solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Their conversation spanned four of the seven minutes they spent standing in line.

After ordering, the pair discussed their weekend goals and learned that both already had plans to do homework at Geisel and finish their Girl Scout cookies. Yi and Schafer

both later announced they had decided to change their weekend plans.

“Yeah, I could just stick to my original plans,” Yi said later. “But this conversation was so awkward, I want to make sure we don’t end up running into each other again. Guess I’ll be studying in Price Center instead.”

“God damn it! I just wanted a peaceful weekend where I could get some work done. But that’s not going to happen,” Schafer said the next day as she threw away her remaining three boxes of Thin Mints and lugged her textbooks to a table nearby Burger King.

After three minutes of silence interrupted only by the sound of Yi’s phone running out of battery, the conversation was foreseen to take a turn for the interesting when Schafer brought up A.S. Council’s recent divestment vote.

“So anyway, all this divestment stuff is crazy,” Schafer said. “And I mean, it’s ridiculous that it’s causing such tension, because all they need to do to solve the problem is — yeah, um, number 844? Milk tea boba and a crispy chicken, medium spice? Thanks. Sorry, what were we talking about?”

“Um, divestment,” Yi said.

“I know, it’s so simple. Oh, wait. 845? French fries and a green tea snow bubble? That’s me. Great! Okay, well, see you soon, right? We should have lunch, for sure,” she added as she speedwalked away.

Sources reported that Yi and Schafer arrived back at their dorms at 7:45 p.m. after both walked over two miles out of the way to avoid running into each other on the way home.

TOP TEN

Changes to Library Walk if There Were Moving Sidewalks 10. Bloodmobile constantly in reverse 9. Have to install moving KBBQ grills 8. Much easier to transport your luggage to the next terminal 7. Easier for cops to maintain illusion they’re doing something 6. No longer have to lie when you say you don’t have a moment to end world hunger 5. None; someone would hit the emergency stop button every 10 seconds 4. In maintaining the same position, CALPIRG employees actually achieve something 3. Really have to rush to catch up with frats 2. SJP checkpoint loses symbolic meaning 1. MTS suspension damaged as students are flung into Gilman’s oncoming traffic

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Page 12

Where to Study

March 13, 2013

You’ve done it in the library! You’ve done it in your house with a mouse, in a box with a fox, on a train and in the rain; but even the most clueless of freshmen know to avoid such rhyming, whimsical environments. Here are some of the hottest spaces to work out your factoids, your vocabula, your long-answer-oblongata, and the rest of your brain parts.

Coffee Shops Pros

Cons

The Internet is too slow to properly load Pornhub

It hasn't been the same since they cancelled the Orange Mocha Frappuccino

Coffee is literally the only thing keeping you alive

Spending more time trying to look cool than studying

Place Behind Your Building Where Those Two Freshmen Smoke Reefer Pros

Cons

Your essay gets done much more quickly when it's type, type, pass

It always smells like weed for some reason

You can quote their "hella deep" conversations in your philosophy paper

They keep stealing your notes to roll blunts

Panda Express Line Pros

Cons

If you buy enough fortune cookies, you don't have to buy a Chinese textbook

It looks like the Rubio's line would be a better place to study

They now have Firecracker Shrimp for $3.99!

Other people seem really annoyed by your desk and chair

Sauna in Main Gym Pros

Cons

Fewer people give you weird looks for studying naked than in Geisel

That one guy keeps singing "It's Getting Hot in Here"

The environment is perfect for your OChem lab experiments

You can't focus with the sound of your asscheeks sizzling on a cedar plank