THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
February 6, 2013
“When you see me smash somebody’s skull, you enjoy it.” — Tina Fey
University-funded, student-run satirical newspap’er? I hardly know ‘er!
Transportation Services Solves Budget Problem, Creates Transportation Problem
Volume XIX Issue IV
IN THIS ISSUE ASK KIKI
3
GENERAL STORE NOW BUYING BACK USED CIGARETTES
4
THE NRA’S GUIDE TO VALENTINE’S DAY
6, 7
OBAMA’S INAUGURAL ADDRESS LIP-SYNCED
8
SHELL TO PAY $30 FOR ILLEGALLY PARKED OIL TANKER
10
NEWS IN BRIEF PILOT HEROICALLY LANDS COMPLETELY ROUTINE FLIGHT PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
One particularly clever student managed to make four “Speed” references, briefly amusing her friends before losing hold on the roof and falling into oncoming traffic. BY JESSI CARR
Managing Editor o combat the growing Transportation Services budget deficit, UCSD announced many changes for the upcoming year and beyond, among them the removal of the Arriba and Nobel Shuttle routes, increased oncampus parking pass costs, and the complete elimination of any possible way for offcampus students to commute to campus in a timely and logical manner.
T
The changes, which will take effect in July, also include increasingly expensive student MTS passes, a merging of the current UCSD Cityshuttles with the 201/202 MTS SuperLoop, and an altered night and weekend parking policy. Some experts predict that this will cause current and prospective students to realize that their school doesn’t give a shit about them and go elsewhere — though many believe the low self-esteem resulting from enrollment in the university
will negate such an effect on the current student body. Department representatives explain that the cuts are a result of a shrinking budget, which relies heavily on parking tickets and parking permit sales. The department has found itself deadlocked, as it has been unable to raise revenue fast enough to cover necessary expenses without rendering debt-laden students unable to cover the cost of either. “After we blew half our
budget for the next three years on ‘Transporting Triton Two: The Transferrer,’ the sequel to our hit film ‘Transporting Triton,’ we realized that we had to make cuts somewhere,” explained Transportation Services director Robert Holden. “It’s just a shame that we spent $1.6 million on that super cool high-speed-chase-and-explosion scene on the Nobel shuttle and now we’ll have to cut it
See BUDGET, page 2
Eight-Year-Old Receives Terrorism Award Nomination BY JACK BEEGAN Content Editor
I
n a surprising turn of events, Ali Khaled, an eight-year-old boy from Ramallah, Palestine, has been nominated for the “Best Male Terrorist in an Aggressor Role” category for the 2012 Terrorism Awards. Preliminary rumors suggest the boy is expected to win the contentious contest, voted on by key members of Western governments. If he were to do so, he would become the youngest winner in history. “We were really just blown away by how well he excelled in every criterion imaginable,” Israeli Homefront Defense Ministry aide Rehavam BenDavid said. “Occasionally, he doesn’t come home before dark like his mother asks, he thinks girls are gross, and his middling reading skills are not something to balk at either. “And when he plays soccer with his friends, he hates to play goalie because he doesn’t like standing still or having to sacrifice his body time and time again to protect the goal,” Ben-David continued. “If that isn’t top terrorist material, I just don’t want to know what is.”
PHOTO BY ANDREW DENERIS
Critics of the nomination have raised objections to giving Khaled an envelope, which he may use later to send anthrax. Khaled is also suspected to “look adorable holding an assault rifle,” though overwhelming evidence suggests he has never held one and this is widely believed to be wishful thinking. “Look at those little arms of his!” said one Pentagon source. “Just think about it, skinny widdle Ali holding a big scawwy
DARING NEW ACCESSORIES DEBUT AT MILAN FASHION WEEK Versace Butthead Collection to be released this spring.
gun — isn’t that to die for?” The rumors surrounding Khaled’s chances of winning are especially notable for this year’s wide field, which some Department of Defense insiders have said might include all Palestinians with “external genitalia.” The unsuspecting nomi-
nee and his family were extraordinarily humbled by his nomination. “What has my son done to harm anyone? You monsters! I didn’t think you could stoop any lower, but labeling children as terrorists?” Khaled’s father, Hassan, asked upon receiving the news, illustrating his people’s longstanding tradition of displaying gratitude in exotic and seemingly hostile ways. “Oh, yes, Palestinians have been known to exhibit this behavior for, at least, a pretty long time,” BBC News Editor Jane Walters explained. “We have some great pictures of Palestinians throwing rocks to Israeli military parades as gifts in the archives if you’d like to check them out.” Many analysts believe Khaled stands a good chance of taking home the award. “Ever since the death of Osama bin Laden — the so-called Bryan Cranston of terrorism — the academy has been desperate for a charismatic figure to come in here and sweep them off their feet like that Yemeni George Clooney did so many years ago,” commented terrorism expert, former Islamic militant, and current President of the United States, Barack Obama.
STATE LAW LEADS TO INCREASED STANDARD OF LIVING FOR LIVESTOCK Eating clean now starts at the source.
Sources confirmed today that Southwest Airlines pilot Reginald “Reggie” McDermott successfully landed a flight in an event one witness described as “pretty run-of-the-mill” at San Diego International Airport this afternoon. Captain McDermott was able to bring Flight 2435, a Boeing 737 from Las Vegas with 150 souls aboard, to its destination a mere 15 minutes behind schedule. “I wouldn’t have held it against him if he got a little wobbly toward the end there,” tower controller Robert Jensen commented. “The wind’s been picking up today around Old Town, but he seemed to handle it pretty well.”
“The flare could have been better,” a colleague of Jensen observed. “Though it should be said that it’s hard enough clearing that approach without worrying about your attitude the whole way down.” Those aboard were greatly relieved with the perfectly average landing. “It was pretty good, I guess,” remarked Andrew Peterson. “He managed not to hit any buildings on the way in, so that’s good too,” he added. “I thought the pilot was great!” passenger Eliza Black exclaimed. “I was more concerned with that flight attendant. They put call buttons on these things for a reason, you know!”
DIRECTOR OF SCRIPPS DISCOVERED TO BE A DOLPHIN On Monday, Dr. Tony Haymet, director of the Scripps Institution of Oceanography, was scandalously exposed as a Delphinus capensis. This announcement has made waves throughout the oceanography community, as students and staff have tried to determine the repercussions. “Dr. Haymet wrote me a letter of recommendation for the Columbia School of Oceanography,” said senior Zachary Plotz. “I was worried that this would hurt my chances, but knowing that an actual dolphin finds my analysis of econo-oceanic stratification insightful
makes me think my application will be viewed with a lot more weight. “Though I feel a bit awkward now that I think about what my thesis said about the delphinidae family.” Although many Scripps students hold similar opinions, Dr. Haymet’s wife feels more negatively about the discovery. She commented, “I’m not happy about it, but at least it explains why he never wanted to introduce me to his friends.” When asked for his opinion about the controversy, Dr. Haymet stated “Eeeee-eee eeee,” before his personal assistant threw him a fish.
COMMITTEE DECLARES VIDEO GAMES “TOO GODDAMN FUN” TO CONTRIBUTE TO VIOLENCE Last Friday, Vice President Joe Biden issued a statement weighing in on controversial video games that contain violence. Biden told the press that video games were just “too goddamn fun” to lead to violence, and that “the more blood, the better.” He further insisted that the gratuitous acts of virtual violence that he witnessed and participated in were “impossible to emulate because reality just isn’t this ‘off the hook.’”
The committee’s findings seem to be in contrast to NRA arguments that video games, rather than guns, are the main reason for the recent surge in gun violence. There are growing fears from gun activists that the government will pursue stronger gun control legislation. Indeed, the White House has proposed a plan to create a national registry of firearm owners, and to boost funding for research into advanced blood splatter in video games.