THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
June 4, 2014
“I would literally write ‘creative genius’ except for two reasons: sometimes it takes too long to write that and sometimes I spell the word ‘genius’ wrong.” - Kanye West Volume XX Issue VII
UCSD’s premier human-trafficking-free newspaper.
UCSD Appoints New Vice Chancellor of Pointless Emails
IN THIS ISSUE C-SPAN’S HOUSE OF BOEHNER
NEW, DENSER HOUSING
SUPREME COURT EXPOSÉ
G-SPOT EASIER TO FIND
NFL DRAFT PROPOSAL
NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD
The supervisor’s flagrant ignorance of the UC smoke-free policy was more evidence that even the office didn’t read its own pointless emails. BY BRIAN SEIBERT
he Office of the Chancellor announced Monday that Morgan B. Spamnus, Ph.D., will serve as the 48th Vice Chancellor of Pointless Emails in the Department of Applied Time-Wasting and An-
noyance beginning next fall. As Vice Chancellor of Pointless Emails, Dr. Spamnus will be in charge of keeping students informed against their will. Currently, students receive notifications of appointments in departments they have never heard of, events they have no interest in attending, and vague
police warnings, but Spamnus has big ideas for frustrating students with even more unsolicited, worthless data. “Right now, we let students know about the biggest mundane happenings around campus, but think of the untapped potential,” said Spamnus. “Foot traffic statistics, garbage
collection rates, mean bathroom-use times, and anything related to student government! We can mire students in so many facts they don’t want, they’ll call their parents just to ask what things used to cost ‘back in the day’!”
See EMAILS, page 2
U.S. Counter-Terror Forces in Nigeria Tied to New Fast-Retrieval Lines for Fast, Easy Exit from Conflict BY KYLE TRUJILLO
Assistant Design Editor fter 277 schoolgirls were kidnapped from their school in Chibok, Nigeria by the anti-Western, Muslim extremist group Boko Haram, the Obama administration sent “security personnel and assets” to Nigeria, including a specially equipped team of hostage negotiators and soldiers physically tied to cutting-edge “FastRetrieval Lines” (FRL) designed to allow a quick and easy exit from the conflict. This contribution, the latest from the president’s family in the international outcry for action to return the girls to their families, follows the failure of First Lady Michelle Obama’s plan to retrieve the victims with a Mother’s Day video announcement expressing “outrage” over the plight of the girls and suggesting helpful hashtags to counteract the movement. “All our hashtags and condemnations on Facebook and YouTube have failed,” said Mrs. Obama in her address. “The United States military has no choice but to intervene on behalf of the Nigerian people.” Some have expressed worry that the military will become mired in an open-ended conflict with Boko Haram, similar to the ongoing War on Terror in Pakistan and Afghanistan. To alleviate these worries, the president has ordered that each hostage negotiator, soldier, and unmanned drone will be attached to the Mayport na-
UCSD STUDENTS VOTE TO PAY MORE TO MAKE CAMPUS AS INACCESSIBLE AS EVER Following the recent transportation referendum, UC San Diego students have shown overwhelming enthusiasm for making the campus as inaccessible as ever for all students and faculty. An extra charge of over $40 per quarter will be applied to all student fees in an attempt to generate revenue for the Department of Transportation Services, which has not gained funding in recent years. Cindy Huang, a Revelle sophomore, expressed an excitement shared by the majority of her fellow students. “The shuttles and buses this year were frequently
unreliable and the shrinkage of their routes has made it harder and harder for students to get on and off campus. So I can tell you, I support this referendum to help change that,” Huang said. Upon informing Huang that the extra transportation fees would not expand bus or shuttle routes, just help to hopefully keep them from getting any worse, she commented, “What? That totally sucks. So I am paying more for the same shitty service and I am rooming with another person in a single room? I feel even more robbed than usual by the university.”
LOCAL NEWSPAPER EDITOR A SELF-CONGRATULATORY ASS
PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
The fast-retrieval lines were quickly put into use when Lieutenant John Smirthnire began humping the Nigerian president’s leg. val base in Jacksonville, Florida by a 5859-mile-long FRL. Commanding officers maintain that these sturdy ropes are a fail-safe method of ensuring that the nation’s forces can be recalled easily should the situation get “iffy, in a Geneva-Convention-y kind of way.” At the end of each rope, three soldiers with pretty good upper-body strength are standing by to pull the U.S. forces out of Nigeria at a moment’s notice. “We’re going to be in and out of there so fast, human rights groups won’t even have time to say ‘western-savior complex,’” the commander in chief said at a press conference on the following Monday. “Now, I know that these days, counter-terrorism is a touchy subject for the Ameri-
AGING AIR BUD FINALLY CAVES TO CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS Colorblind idiot couldn’t tell the mountains weren’t blue yet
can people,” the president continued. “Which is why I’m keeping our military aid on a literal short leash in this action. More of an, uh, ‘assassination of Salvador Allende’ than an ‘invasion of Vietnam.’ “Oops, oh, did I just say that about, uh, Allende out loud? That wasn’t, uh, on the record,” Obama added, for the record. When asked whether the U.S. troops would have any role in supporting antigovernment protesters calling for negotiations with the militant group responsible for the kidnapping, the president claimed that his office would find a way to serve the American interests of both the Nigerians who are demonstrating for their democracy and the Nigerian government.
At the press conference, Vice President Joe Biden assured citizens that the operation would “just take like, ten seconds,” while Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel presented a “strong deadline” of “August-ish” for the troops to be returned home. John Brennan, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, stood in the shadows and said nothing, but expressed his approval of the proceedings through vigorous nodding and occasional broad smiles that failed to reach his eyes. “The operation’s deadline will remain in place, unless we find clues about that Kony guy. He could be, uh, somewhere around the middle part of Africa,” Obama said. “#Kony2014! Or maybe 2015.”
PHOTOGRAPHER PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHER ON FIRE
Keeps in line with Nat Geo tradition of doing nothing
An area editor for a newspaper publication can’t seem to help being self-satisfied every time he notices a minor error in a local writer’s work. These writers otherwise present strong, consistent work, and yet this certain local editor — Steven — acts like he is so above everyone else in the office. Steven, according to close, personal sources, walks around this office like he’s irreplaceable. And yet, really, what does he do beyond working as a glorified spell check? Reports have thus far seemed to indicate nothing to justify his egomaniacal behavior. To this day, reports indicate Steven doesn’t know
that the whole office can’t stand him or that Andrew Edwards from the HR department is sleeping with his wife in Maine. And that his four-year-old daughter sometimes refers to Edwards as “Dad.” Reports indicate, additionally, that Steven should recognize that even if he is as important as he thinks he is to this newspaper — and sources strongly confirm that he is not — he perhaps shouldn’t get so high and mighty and should consider a bit of humility. Steven, after all, only works for a shitty local paper. A shitty local paper that this writer has just tendered his resignation to.
OBAMA LETS TERRORISTS WIN In an unsurprising turn of events, former radical madrasa student and President of the United States Barack Obama allowed the nation’s enemies to achieve victory, exchanging five Guantanamo Bay prisoners for Sergeant Bowe Berghdal, who was captured by Taliban forces in 2009, eight years into our holy war of righteous retribution against the Taliban. This second Benghazi, in which a number of Americans died, zero technically being a number, saw the president enter into negotiations organized by the Emir of Qatar that culminated in a complete betrayal of American values under the weak pretense of leaving “no soldier behind.”
Experts believe the move sets a bold precedent and may prompt terrorists to target American soldiers in their attacks on American soldiers. “This is definitely bad news for members of the armed forces deployed in hostile environments to carry out the dirty work of empire,” said Thomas Greggs, representative of think tank Wealthy Civilians for War. “Now, our enemies abroad will create new strategies based on the knowledge that every now and then, the government cares about its soldiers. “Bush would never send such a damning message.”
See BRIEFS, page 11
June 4, 2014
Californians Participate in Annual Statewide Summer Roast
PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE
“No! I left my phone in there! Oh, wait, I’ve got an OtterBox, it should be fine. But, oh no! I left my pet otters with nothing but a box to protect them,” said area man Chanan Grates. BY HOWARD WANG
alifornia continued its annual tradition of setting fire to the state last month, taking advantage of the blazing summer heat that befell the region. Tens of thousands of people from across the area were forced to evacuate while the event was publicized nationwide. Spectators from all across the country tuned in to watch California homeowners packing their cars and organizing their insurance paperwork, while betting on which neighborhoods would be reduced to charcoal. Jeffrey Patterson was one of the first participants in the evacuation, excited to be leaving his Carlsbad office by hailing a cab as the flames billowed thirty feet high behind the building. When asked about the evacuation, he responded with, “Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s coming! Holy shit, run idiot! Run!” displaying his enthusiasm to be a part of a longstanding California tradition. Other participants in the evacuation were not as ex-
cited, feeling that California’s performance this year fell short of its usual standards. “I was sad that the fire didn’t even spread into my neighborhood. It was still at least a quarter of a mile away,” said investment banker and Scripps Ranch homeowner Ian Mumford. “I mean, when I first saw all the flames shooting up everywhere I was extremely hopeful. I had all my insurance paperwork all ready and quickly booked a one-way flight to Columbia. Now I have to replan my, uh, vacation. Yeah.” Mumford was also critical of the government’s response. “They worked way too quickly. If only they responded the same way as they did to the 2003 Cedar Fire,” he said, referring to the most spectacular burning of California in recent history, which burned everything from Arizona to the Pacific Ocean. “Many houses in Scripps Ranch got destroyed by that fire. It even jumped across I-15, ten full lanes of unburnable concrete. But what happens? My house survives. I thought I had another shot in 2007. I’m never going to escape my financial
troubles at this rate. Why even bother having homeowner’s insurance?” Further to the north, several other fires burned including one that forced the closure of CSU San Marcos. Over there, the fires were met with a mostly positive reaction. “We’re on the semester system so we were going to get out on summer vacation before you anyways. But then this happens and we don’t even have to take our finals anymore; Suck it UCSD,” cheered senior Alex Woodbridge, a fine arts major at CSU San Marcos. He unfortunately did not realize until later that graduation was also cancelled by the fires, and the only way to get his diploma now is to find a printable one online. The fires have become such a regular part of Californian society that local businesses have come to rely on the annual fire cycle for business and economic budgeting. The Home Depot Carlsbad location reports increased sales of garden hoses and fire extinguishers during the summer season each
year. The Olympic-sized community swimming pool in the Dry Mountain Community Estates in Rancho Bernardo is also doing very well, as people take refuge in the only place within a ten mile radius that is guaranteed to be nonflammable all summer long. The San Diego Public Utilities, despite making record profits from water bills during fire season each year, has issued a statement saying that due to the ongoing drought and dry conditions, they may be unable to continue supplying enough water for this year’s burning of California. They have urged President Obama to step in and provide assistance for the state burnings that will take place later this summer. In an unimaginable leap of international diplomacy, Obama has organized a treaty with Japanese seismologists to provide an emergency tsunami for California when the next round of burnings begin. “Well, if a fire can’t destroy my house, maybe a government-sponsored tsunami could do it. The insurance will still cover that, I’m sure,” said Mumford.
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:
The many evaluation/survey requests sent to students, though highly annoying and huge wastes of time, are in fact overseen by the Office of PLEASE PARTICIPATE IN THIS SURVEY HELP UCSD BE A BETTER CAMPUS CHANCE TO WIN PRIZES THANKS!!, located in the Student Services Center. Dr. Spamnus worked as the advertising director at insurance giant Geico for the past five years, where he helped rework the company’s gecko mascot after executives deemed it “just not annoying enough.” When efforts to deinvigorate the character with a slightly less funny accent were met with marginal results, Spamnus realized an entirely original character could have much greater irritation potential. With the intention of getting as far from the anthropomorphic gecko as possible, he invented Maxwell, the talking pig. In a recent Gallup Poll, Maxwell was voted “shittiest character ever conceived by man.” Most students, when asked about the announcement of the new vice chancellor, had no idea such a position even existed. “What? No, I delete those messages as soon as I see them,” said Erika Floobin, a second year Warren communications major. “I mean, I don’t really need to know
about some — oh wait, I just got another one. The Radiology Department is considering candidates for co-chairman. Awesome.” One student in particular, who chose to remain anonymous, had a different perspective. “I think it’s great! I love getting emails,” said the student, who then asked, “Hey, do you guys wanna buy some herbal Viagra? I can get you a sweet deal. I also know this one weird trick for losing stubborn belly fat, just check out this website … it’s totally free!” The outgoing vice chancellor, Professor Agni Priapeia, left to pursue leisure activities, such as spending more time at the beach. When not giving impromptu political lectures to sunbathers, he can be found flying a plane overhead, towing a banner for Pabst Blue Ribbon. The new vice chancellor wants to make it clear he does not take his position lightly. “Look, irritating people and wasting their time isn’t just a hobby of mine, it’s my passion,” Spamnus explained. “It’s what I was born to do. And when you find your calling, you don’t ask why you’re doing it, you just do it. That’s the message I want to send to students. Well, that and the fact that there’s a free lecture on Friday about the nitrogen content of Antarctic dirt.”
Signs Jesus Was American 10. Changed water into wine, then put it into a bag for us to slap 9. Got to where he is because of his dad 8. Celebrated Christmas 7. Had one dick friend 6. Eventually, given enough time and historical distance, accepted as white 5. Equated silence on gay and transgender rights as acceptance 4. Went to numerous toga parties in his youth 3. Accomplished basically nothing until his 30s 2. Talked about politics during dinner 1. Lost the religion he was born into
Editor-in-Chief...........................Allie Kiekhofer Managing Editor..........................Garrett Chan Content Editor.................................Kevin Chu Associate Content Editor............Riley Mallory Associate Content Editor.........Natalie McLain Associate Content Editor...............Barak Tzori Design Editor.........................Elizabeth O’Neil Assistant Design Editor.................Kyle Trujillo Graphics Editor.............................Ryan Gibbs Graphics Editor...............................Sora Chee Assistant Graphics Editor..........Lawrence Lee Assistant Graphics Editor.......Katherine Wood
Copy Editor............................Andrew Deneris Assistant Copy Editor................Jacob Aguirre Business Editor............................Hillary Chan Web Editor..................................Connor Brew Publicity Chair..............................Trev Malone Social Chair............................Hilary Morefield Assistant Social Chair............Cole Steffensen Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert MQ Dad...............................Bora Buyuktimkin Foreign Correspondent..............Wesley Chan Foreign Correspondent...................Jessi Carr Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne
Look, a satirist!
Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge. Next Year.
“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”
All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. It’s sometime between shirtless o’clock and morning. Some of us are shirtless, others are inside sleeping bags in Sequoia. Funny things happened this weekend. We have more hours of production footage for the MQ documentary than hours of production itself. We locked ourselves out of Glacier Point. We got back in and were kicked out an hour later. We went back to Sequoia. We made a feature and there wasn’t room for it. We forgot to run a caption. We realized an article was accidentally kind of copying the Onion. We printed it anyway. In my previous ed note, I wrote that the old MQ’s old guard would, does and will always have to let go. It’s easier said than done. I fell in love with this paper. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like not to have “THE MQ” be the first thought in my head when I wake up every morning. It’s going to be so, so hard. It’s a big change. What makes it less hard is that I couldn’t have dreamed a better group of people to take the helm next year. How lucky the MQ is that all of you stumbled into Half Dome. I thought I would worry this weekend about a bunch of things — about roles that were growing or changing, tiny pieces of institutional knowledge left behind — but I didn’t even a little bit. Instead, my main thought after these four days was that I don’t know what I’m still doing here. You guys are so ready to make the MQ yours. One of my only jobs this weekend was to choose a Kanye West quote for the front page. Instead, I sat around in half-shorts, half-jeans while you guys found a better quote than I ever could’ve. That’s one example of a million things that prove you guys are thinking harder and producing smarter, funnier, more insightful comedy than I did all year. I cannot wait to see what you’ll do. I hope that if you haven’t yet, you’ll laugh as much, get as much satisfaction, and find as much love as I found here these past two years. I love, trust and will miss you all terribly next year. Save me a copy of 21.1.
Allegra Baker Jack Beegan Corey Breier Katie Brown Andrew Buss Corina Cadiz Romelle Canonizado Mark Cayaba Alejandra Cervantes
Rosa Cho Becca Chong Angelique De Castro Dylan Everingham Jeffrey Filice Phillip Hodgson Rachel Huang Shruti Khandai Grace Kim
Kayle Kvinge David Lee Crystal Martinez Mal Murray Sean O’Neal Audrey Olson Corlin Palmer Emily Payne Alex Rosengarten
Marissa Ruxin Brian Seibert Tyler Takemoto Walter Thavarajah Brian Trenkle Howard Wang Spencer Wilson Jen Windsor Jose Zamudio
Booster Club Thanks to Bora, for bringing the Red Vines which seem to haunt this organization. Thank you to Allie, for purchasing an ungodly amount of soda and chips, and thank you — somewhat — to Cole for choosing the sodas. He didn’t bat a thousand, is all I’m saying. Thank you Hilmo, for bringing chips. Thank you to Jen, for bringing those sugar muffins. I can’t remember what they’re called. Thank you to Katherine, Kayle, Barak, Natalie, and Lawrence for using their dining dollars. Katherine, especially, for purchasing toilet paper for the girl’s bathroom. Thank you to Emily and Corina, for bringing their fresh faces. Thank you to all of you who have furnished us with coffee — Sora, Barak, Katherine, Kayle — the fuel on which this entire enterprise is done.
June 4, 2014
Prospective Fifth Year Excited To Be Rid of Friends
Why I’ll Still Never Apologize for My White Privilege eling work I have done to reach my station. I got into Princeton not because someone gave it to me, but because I grew up in an upper middle-class neighborhood with supportive and educated parents who gave me every opportunity to succeed. I pulled myself up by my metaphorical Sperry bootstraps and got into Princeton through my own merit and self-bred gumption. Nothing more. If there’s anything Princeton has taught me, it’s that everyone deserves to have a say. I have feelings too, you know? I wrote the previous article so that people would know how I feel. Every day, I see so many think-pieces from a non-white, non-male perspective — articles on race from African-Americans and Latinos, seminars on gender by women. It seems that HBO is more committed than ever to filling its programming with shows about gay men. I didn’t want my voice to be lost and my opinion to be drowned out in the clamor. Diversity is all about giving everyone an equal chance to be heard, and that includes giving me a chance. I’ve faced a lot of struggle in my life. Lest you forget, Princeton is a prestigious university, and the classes here are hard! And realizing that I’m in a school full of other smart, hard-working people who want to succeed as much as I do can be intimidating. I even wonder sometimes if my peers will be more successful than I am. Every morning, I look in the mirror and say to myself, “Tal, you can’t help it that you have this fair, masculine complexion that conforms to your gender identity.” This is the cross I must bear. But, mark my words, I will bear it.
BY TAL FORTGANG
Y PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD
“I didn’t know the Triton 5K had a dress code,” said Heinz. BY JACK BEEGAN
eports have confirmed that Eleanor Roosevelt College student Tobin Heinz, who will be returning for his fifth year in the fall, is strongly anticipating the upcoming academic year, in which he claims he will be “totally free” of his friends. “Over the last four years, we’ve lived together, we’ve studied together, we’ve even thrown up together,” Heinz said. “And in a short period of time, they’ll all be gone. I couldn’t be happier! “Think of how much time I’ll have on my hands! Who knows what I could get into?” Heinz speculated. “Do-ityourself manuscript illumination? Miniature carpentry? Urban taxidermy? The possibilities are endless.”
Some analysts, however, have questioned Heinz’s excitement for the coming year. “He isn’t a particularly social person, even with all of these ‘friends’ he keeps talking about,” said Jessica Vu, of the Shut-In Research Institute, which is under legal obligation to differentiate itself from the software application Siri. “If you ask me, I can only see him retreating further into the dark recesses of his mind, agitating alreadyprevalent social phobias and masturbating at levels unprecedented since he turned 14,” Vu added. Still, Heinz appears upbeat. “It’s just a part of life. People come into your life, you walk in on them having sex and refuse to leave un-
til you grab the coffee mug you left in the room, and people grow apart,” mused the fourth year cognitive science/music double major. Insiders have revealed Heinz’s “friends” to be a loose confederation of students, mostly from Roosevelt College, who originally began spending time together smoking cannabis. In order to pass employment-opportunity drug tests, several have abandoned old traditions in favor of meetings at apartments, or other suitably inexpensive venues, to consume cheap lager while regaling each other with jokes and anecdotes. However, multiple members of this “friend group” have stated that Heinz has not attended one of the informal meetings in quite some time.
“I haven’t seen Toby in ages,” commented Billy Jeong, who often hosts the weekly gatherings. “Maybe he’s hanging out with his ex-girlfriend Cindy or her friends. “They seem really good for each other,” Jeong noted. The two broke up five months ago and have not spoken to each other since. In fact, it would appear few have seen Heinz since fall quarter, when he was spotted at the McDonald’s Costa Verde location purchasing a large order of fries and an unspecified McFlurry. “Oh, Tobin?” asked Phil Ramirez, an associate of Heinz’s who slept five feet underneath Heinz’s bed in their freshman year triple. “I haven’t talked to him in like, a year. Didn’t he graduate early or something?”
ou’ve probably read or heard about the groundbreaking article I wrote for “The Princeton Tory,” republished in Time Magazine, in which I talked about my views on white, male privilege. I highly encourage you to read it, because I believe it provides a vital, yet sorely overlooked perspective on the role that this dubiously existent privilege has played in my life and in the lives of people like me. To all my supporters out there: thank you. You are most likely part of the select few who are truly openminded when so many others have quashed my opinions without a second thought: “Oh, he’s a white male? I really don’t know if his opinions should count so much in today’s society.” Sometimes I think that having this “privilege” is more trouble than it’s worth. As for my dissenters, I will gladly engage you in open, honest debate. But, once again, I see that irksome phrase being thrown around the comment section underbelly of the Internet: CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE. What more can I possibly do to convince you that I have? My success is solely attributed to the gru-
Signs You’re in a Horror Movie C-SPAN CEO Colleen Abdoulah, in association with John Boehner’s American Defenders of Reality Super-PAC, present Congress’ first reality television show: “House of Boehner.” Watch the renowned congressman struggle to launch his own tanning salon, The Tan Elephant. Follow rowdy bad boy muscle-man Paul Ryan as he battles the budget and the overhead press. And you won’t believe what House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi does! The premiere episode takes place at the grand opening party of The Tan Elephant. Pelosi, who “You can expect was not invited to the grand a juicy season filled opening, crashes the party in a with drama, intrigue, botox-induced stupor and anand pandering to large voter bases.” nounces she is going to create a ri— Congressman val tanning salon and spa named “Pelosi’s Perfection Palace.” John Boehner Boehner, after three hours at The Tan Elephant.
“A sexy good time!” — The Washington Post “Tons better than ‘Biden’s American Pickers.’” — US News and World Report
Catch it Tuesdays at 9/8 Central on C-SPAN: Red Tape in 1080p.
15. Your day started out so nicely 14. The kid you’ve been babysitting has been saying cryptic stuff all night 13. You’re really compelled to check out the light that went out in your basement 12. There’s only one black guy 11. All the hockey masks are sold out at Sport Chalet 10. Your white friend keeps suggesting you split up 9. You notice a lot of green screens in the dark places in your house 8. You went to sleep in your prettiest underwear 7. The hills are alive, but there’s no music 6. In spite of the really scary things happening, you’re just really attached to this two bedroom apartment you just moved into 5. You don’t remember putting your parents’ heads in the freezer last night 4. Jarring music plays when you brush your teeth, scramble eggs, sleep 3. Your slightly racist grandfather died 100 years ago today 2. The walls have become less of a mauve and more of a human blood color 1. You’re trying to messily murder a group of teenagers
Easier than the SAT by one letter.
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. Next Year.
June 4, 2014
Tossing Money While Jumping an Emerging Pastime
“Summertime Sadness” Regains Relevance, Area Hipster Teens Protest
PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE
“Your outfit is so 2012,” said the girls to one another two years ago. BY KAYLE KVINGE
A “Can we get the grant for the study in ones?” said Lead Researcher Vyom Moore. BY KATHERINE WOOD
Assistant Graphics Editor
recently released report from the National Center for American Leisure Studies has concluded that releasing money while jumping is a more popular pastime than previously predicted. The report was largely surveybased, drawing mainly from narratives collected from the American populace. Participants interviewed expressed great enthusiasm about the combination of leaping and throwing money. One subject even went so far as to reiterate his love of it 60 times within four minutes. The study also found grounds to suggest that this behavior is not simply an occasional thrill, but more of a
habitually repeated action. One participant suggested that a typical night for him involved “jumping, more jumping, and even more jumping,” followed by the projectile release of various currencies. He clarified that although he enjoyed “ones, fives, tens, [and] twenties,” he found the most joy in distributing $100 bills mid-air. The study suggests that the appeal of such behavior, besides the joy of flying through the air and reveling in wealth and prosperity, may come from a resulting increase in sexual draw. “It seems that this activity sometimes has mating purposes, depending on the situation,” explained Research Lead Sandra Jaletes, citing one instance where a subject
arrived at a social gathering with his “goons,” or friends, leapt around, threw “a couple thousand [dollars],” and then left with a “diva.” However, hopping and releasing bills can also be a casually thrown together group activity, not even requiring a room. “We’ve found that Mercedes Benzes with their expensive and springy upholstery are fine, as long as there are enough participants for ‘me, you, and your friend,’” said Jaletes. Participants must be cautious that the surfaces they choose are appropriately resistant for jumping. These surfaces, referred to as “bandz” because of their elastic resemblance to rubber bands, are vital to such
PHOTO BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL
bouncing, hence the common phrase “bandz make her dance.” Beyond the interiors of expensive cars, recommended surfaces include mattresses, trampolines, and bouncy castles. The study has generated much debate among the scientific community, as rumors circulate that the study did not use an appropriately diverse range of sources. One custodial worker from the lab, who preferred to remain unidentified, stated that all she ever saw happening was “a bunch of people in lab coats playing that stupid Juicy J song ‘Bounce It’ over and over.” At press time, the National Center for American Leisure Studies had rescinded the study for “further scientific investigation.”
Climate Change Finally Hits Windows 95 Screensavers
s summer approaches, Instagram captions and tweets galore have begun to display lyrics to Lana Del Rey’s 2013 hit, “Summertime Sadness.” All seem in support of the newfound relevance for this summer anthem, all except Jim Stacy, a 17-year-old high school student from Carlsbad, CA. Stacy, a senior at Sage Creek High School and frequent visitor of the Alga Norte skate park, is disappointed in the music taste of his classmates. “If I see one more girl from my school use ‘Summertime Sadness’ to express their feelings about the weather and their emotions, I don’t know what I’ll do,” remarked Stacy. “I just don’t understand why people don’t like good music anymore. “Mainstream music is just full of sell-outs nowadays. I guess Lana Del Rey was kind of cool before she made it big with her album “Born to Die,” but I just don’t see the appeal anymore. Same thing happened to The Strokes, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and the Killers: all bands that started with potential, but lost my interest once they made it big and forgot about all the fans that got them there in the first place.” Stacy’s classmate, Mary Hansen, couldn’t disagree more. Hansen, a member of Sage Creek High School’s Invisible Children and Varsity Dance Team, thought that Stacy was too pretentious. “He thinks he’s so cool with his worn-in flannels, obscure-
brand skateboards, and outdated vinyl. He hates ‘hipsters’ so much that in hating them, he has become the biggest one of all,” stated Hansen. At a time in society when it is cool to hate things that everyone else likes, students at Sage Creek High School have reached a stalemate on all decisions, not only in their personal lives, but at school as well. The school’s prom this year was cancelled because no one could decide on a theme. As soon as a theme was proposed, it was immediately rejected once significant support was shown. “Children these days can’t agree on anything,” said Cheryl Thompson, an AP English Literature teacher at Sage Creek High School. “All of my students disagree just to disagree! The other day when discussing “Hamlet” with my class, one student suggested that Laertes didn’t kill Hamlet, but that Hamlet killed himself! “What’s next? Pretty soon, these kids are not going to breathe because too many people agree that we need air to breathe!” As summer approaches, there is no doubt that Lana Del Rey’s hit “Summertime Sadness” will make a comeback, and with it will come its haters. Since this generation cannot come to a consensus about anything, prepare for your Instagram captions and tweets to be criticized. “If you are not ready for the criticism, don’t post anything on social media and become the counter-hegemonic being that all these hipsters truly want to be,” researchers advise.
Changes to “Pirates of the Caribbean” If It Had Taken Place in Rhode Island
PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD
“We’re just treating a symptom. We need to either fundamentally change our ways or upgrade to a newer version, like Windows 2000,” said Tech Supervisor Ann Wells. BY BRANDON EHLERT Distribution Captain
community conference on global warming held last week in Albuquerque, N.M., home of Microsoft Windows, brought awareness to society’s excessive use of fossil fuels and their effect on nature, human health, and the conference’s focus, screensavers on laptops and desktop computers. While scientists have been able to identify several negative effects of global warming, such as coral bleaching, increasing acidification of the oceans, and the eventual halt to the Atlantic gulfstream, none considered its detrimental effect on digital ecosystems. University of Florida research professor and keynote speaker Dr. Garret London warned the crowd of the dangers presented to computers. “We thought computers were safe, since they’re
enclosed in glass and whatnot,” London said. “It turns out that the glass enclosure created by computer screens actually boosts the greenhouse effect, expediting the course of global warming.” Since the global warming epidemic, CGI marine life death tolls have hit record highs. Researchers estimate that over 300,000 digital marine animals or plants are dying in screens every day, compared to before the epidemic, when they lived roughly as long as their computer of residence. Dell machine owner and conference attendee Walter Thurmond wept at the podium as he described how his favorite “Clownfish in Anemone” desktop screensaver had become “a desolate wasteland of murky water with a sad, pallid clownfish floating belly-up at the upper-right corner of the screen.” “The house felt a little warmer than usual when it
happened,” Thurmond said, sniffling. “I looked at the thermostat and noticed that it read 90 degrees, which is a critically high temperature for marine life. As I checked Facebook, I saw that the green anemone behind the CGI seaweed had started releasing a white, stringy substance. The clownfish seemed to be distressed, but before I could do anything, his bright orange hue faded to a meek clementine, and then he floated right up to the top of the screen. It was tragic.” Hundreds of others have experienced similar trauma. Lily McGee, a full-time mother, explained her dismay when the “Blue Glacier” background on her MacBook Pro began melting. She said she was “looking up flights to Hawaii for her, Dave, and the kids,” when all of a sudden, the stratified blue of the glacier screensaver began to disappear. According to Mc-
Gee, the glacier melted in under five minutes. “Somehow, the water managed not to damage my computer, thank God,” she added. Rarer, more extreme accounts describe the “Crashing Waves” background reaching a boil and subsequently vaporizing, the giraffes in the “African Savannah Tableau” screensaver spontaneously shedding their fur and instantly dehydrating, and the clouds in the “Mount Fuji at Dawn” background looking “a little more brown than usual … seeming to look more like photochemical smog than a crisp, white cluster of water vapor.” At press time, the U.S. Department of Energy had issued a statement advising that the damage be mitigated by turning off lights, walking or biking to work, and not using your computer “because that takes coal.”
10. Jack Sparrow trades his clothes for a polo, salmon shorts, and Sperrys 9. Calypso would have lived in a B&B before becoming a sea goddess 8. At the end of every line, the actors turn to the camera and say, “here in beautiful Rhode Island” 7. Davy Jones is just a large, polite lobster 6. Most of their problems solved by the abundance of lighthouses 5. Would be called “Pirates of Rhode Island” 4. Even less ethnically diverse cast 3. Piracy would have been harder with the strong dock worker unions 2. Money they save on location shots goes to even more ornate eye makeup for Johnny Depp 1. All depictions of rum replaced with clam chowder
Jump on the wagon train. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. Next Year.
June 4, 2014
Is It Worth It to Go to Class?
brought to you by
The American Weather Association
When desert winds sweep the San Diego region, UCSD students bunker down, contemplating whether or not it is safe to cross campus for class. To help ease the troubled minds of the students, the American Weather Association (AWA) has come up with several guidelines to consider when determining if the $28,000-$50,000 tuition your parents or Wells Fargo paid is enough to motivate you to attend class. Please take the following into consideration during the determination process.
• Any stylish ensembles, and all sugar ensembles, might melt • Be on the lookout for Black’s Beach patrons migrating inland • Melting witches may make for tricky footing • Beach volleyball court will turn into quicksand
Potential hazards: • Excessive amounts of fresh water surrounding body may induce reverse osmosis
• Wind may make long boarder’s paths even more erratic (if that’s possible) • Crows will potentially have lost all ability to control their flight paths • Library Walk fliers caught in updraft will give you lots of paper cuts
Potential hazards: • Studies show that if the wind goes fast enough, you may suffocate
PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD
Consensus: Remember: C’s get degrees! Those clicker questions are only 15 percent of your grade anyway! And nothing is worth walking from your room to Warren or Pepper Canyon cold, wet, and eventually numb.
Consensus: If you are in any college and the Jacobs Hall house has blown off, you should probably skip lecture/discussion. If the winds can airlift a house, they can probably airlift a person.
• Shirtless, blindingly pale CompSci majors most likely afoot; wear glasses • Black’s Beach attendees migrating back to the beach • Scantily clad tanners may endanger your spiritual purity • 90 percent chance of every conversation starting with, “How nice is the weather today, right?” • Sun causes skin cancer
• Unwanted tongue/body piercings • Prematurely cold lattes • Genital frostbite • Dangerous levels of holiday cheer • Watch out for ice fishing poles in Lake Price Center Fountain • You’ll catch the consumption • Smug text messages from your agoraphobic friend • Internet outage from influx of Instagram snow posts
PRIME BEACH WEATHER
HAIL AND SLEET
Graduating PoliSci Major Horrified to Learn Degree Not in Poly-Science
Potential hazards: • Beach volleyball court will turn into quicksand
Potential hazards: • Beach volleyball court will turn into quicksand
Consensus: 70-88 degrees, light breeze, and perky people are all signs that you need to debate whether or not class is really important. Chances are that it’s not and you should go to the beach for the first time since coming to this school.
Consensus: If there is snow or hail in San Diego, the world is probably ending and class is unnecessary. Instead, crack open those bottles hidden in the back of your closet, pour, drink, and repeat until buzzing sensation occurs. *AWA is not responsible for any failing grades, lazy attitudes, or deaths.
UCSD Begins Demolition of Warren Residence Halls, Plans for Trundles
“Those assholes at NASA will be sorry when they need someone to gerrymander the moon,” said Cohen. BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER
raduating political science major Laura Cohen learned last week that the “poly-science” degree she received earned her a degree in “political” science, and not a combination degree in multiple sciences, including computer science, biology, physics, cognitive science, chemistry, and biochemistry. “I thought that having a degree in such a wide variety of sciences would give me a really well-rounded background, and I have to say I’m really surprised to learn that I wasn’t actually studying science this whole time,” Cohen said. “I just assumed we spent all that time talking about Marx in my classes ‘cause that’s just what people do in college.” Cohen, a member of the on-campus student organization Spaced Out! UCSD’s PreNASA Society, said that she originally aspired to use the skills gleaned from her polyscience major to apply for a job at NASA and spend her career in outer space. “I mean, while I’d probably be a stronger applicant if I had a degree in the so-called ‘hard’ sciences, I think my ‘political’ science degree will make me a unique applicant,” Cohen said. “Regular scientists are focused on stuff like molecules, diseases, and gravity, but I can bring other stuff to space that they might not have thought of, like democracy, funding, and a multi-party system!” Cohen said that the news was shocking for her, since she has wanted to be a scientist since she was a young girl. “I always thought I was doing everything right — I never left the house without a lab coat, I always wore lab goggles in the sun,” Cohen said.
“And I entered every science fair I could, although once I got to college they didn’t seem to have as many. “But I don’t think all of my hopes are dashed,” Cohen continued. “From what I can understand based on the classes I’ve taken these past four years, ‘political’ science — the ‘science of politics’ — is supposedly pretty much just about money anyway. So I should be fine financially.” She then added, “Ooh, a quarter,” retrieving what soon turned out to be a metal washer from between the cushions of her car’s driver’s seat. She then further added, “Oh, never mind.” Cohen’s father, Henry Cohen, said he was concerned about his daughter’s career post-graduation, and worried that she may not be as financially savvy as she believes. “Last time we played Monopoly, she ran out of money and put her game piece into the microwave to melt down into a coin,” Mr. Cohen said. “When I told her that wasn’t allowed, she told me that her Post-Modern Political Thought professor had told her that it didn’t matter because money was merely an abstract symbol representing a contract to exchange goods and services.” However, Cohen remains optimistic about the possibility of using her political science degree in science-related fields. “My mom went to UCSD and was a chemistry major, but she became a lawyer, so I don’t see why I can’t be a political science major and still go into the other sciences,” Cohen said. “There may be some minor details I still have to learn, but I feel like I probably understand enough basics to get by — everything in the universe is just cells, so how hard could it be?”
“Wow, this must be the largest single on campus,” said second year Ricardo Delatorre. BY JEN WINDSOR
n order to create more space for the incoming Class of 2018, Earl Warren College will be building completely new residence halls with closet-sized rooms and triple bunk beds in every room. Warren College will be tearing down the current resident halls and implementing new space-saving measures starting in late June that aim to prepare students wishing to join the armed forces, as well as those who wish to stay in hostels in their future travels. The Facilities, Design, and Construction branch of the Office of the Assistant Vice Chancellor announced Friday that the Board of University Construction and Reconstruction, in cooperation with Chancellor Khosla, has approved the reconstruction of Warren dorms. Demolition will begin in late June, immediately following move-out deadlines and
graduation. Warren College has revealed that the new 6-person room will be designed after sardine cans. The exterior of the new dorms has been announced to be modeled after the Muir residence halls in an architectural style which many have admired as “prison chic.” Additionally, the new suites will house over a hundred students each, accommodating the influx of the over 4,000 freshmen admitted to Warren College this year. Assistant Vice Chancellor Joel King explained that the basic layout and size of suites would remain the same, but that the office of Facilities, Design, and Construction has developed plans for trundle beds on every level of the triple decker bunk beds, and a convertible desk-to-closet-to-hammock piece of furniture that will take advantage of the vacant balcony areas. While King said that some of these measures would be temporary, accommodations for students in “temp sextuples”
would be found shortly after the school year started, since the new halls would be built with the “most innovative methods of cutting corners and not following building codes.” Chris Lee, a UC San Diego graduate and one of the engineers assigned to the task force charged with figuring out how to fit all the additional students in the dorms, expressed his excitement at the new innovative measures. “I was really proud of the trundle idea, especially on the multiple levels of bunk beds,” he said. “That was my idea. I just thought, there’s all this unused floor space at night, it’s so inefficient. And all the space above that, well, that’s up for grabs, too. “The triple-use furniture piece — that was a piece that my coworker Rachel Sorenson came up with after she got lost in Ikea for five days. I think it’s brilliant, but Rachel’s also been building these weird torture device-slashnightstand things recently, she’s not really the same.”
PHOTO BY GARRETT CHAN
“I saw it in the light of the sparsams,” said Sorenson, scratching at her head with an Allen wrench. “We rest in the grönkullas, but they will be together like fyrkantig. Yes, yes, I see it.” At press time, no incoming freshmen had objected to the new measures to be implemented. Indeed, one incoming freshman, Jaimee Armstrong, posted in the Class of 2018 Facebook page that she was “super stoked to be going to college, even if the first couple weeks are uncomfortable. I know they’ll figure it out and we’ll all get singles by second semester [sic].” Outspoken protester Vivian Wurman argued that Assistant Vice Chancellor King has completely missed the point. “The only reason nobody relevant is outraged is because the incoming freshmen don’t know about this,” said Wurman, “All the administration does is offer free iPads in housing surveys. Where do they get all the iPads from?!”
Similarities between the UN and Your Favorite Old Sweatshirt 10. Didn’t condemn the Rwanda genocide fast enough 9. Looks better on your girlfriend 8. Effectively hides the ribs of refugees 7. Reintroduced cholera to Haiti 6. Sponsored by American Apparel 5. Made possible through the exploitation of third-world workers 4. Often forget you have it 3. George W. Bush doesn’t know how it works 2. Reminds your mom of better times 1. Comforting, but ultimately futile against the escalation of the nuclear arms race Backup singer in the U2 cover band, MeToo. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. Next Year.
The MQ’s Exposé ON Justice
Most Supreme Court justices ascended to their throne long before you became interested in legislative politics and will still be there after you have decided that they are too mainstream and moved onto pre-Prussian War era steam engines. Hear each justice’s background so that punk team Hit It and Acquit It will never beat you again at your local bar’s judicial trivia night.
Front runner for the Supreme Court tontine, Justice Elena Kagan was voted “Most Likely To Look Good in Black.” Kagan legally changed her first name to Justice back in 2006 and is in the pocket of the National Park Service. When she grows up, she wants to be part of the Justice League.
Twenty years ago, Justice Clarence Thomas gave up his voice to an undersea witch in exchange for legs. Self-declared to be “getting too old for this shit,” Thomas is the only known exclusion to the rule “Trix are for kids.” He spends his free time expanding his collection of 70s era analog synthesizers.
Justice Sonia Sotomayor gets her namesake from the Spanish “the mayor of Soto.” She has recently upgraded to Microsoft Windows 95 Home Edition and is working on becoming fluent in both PowerPoint and Excel. She dons an AC/DC tattoo on her right ankle, in remembrance of the band that led her through the dark tunnel of high school.
Chief Justice Roberts passed the bar exam on only his second try. He insists that his dad was Chief Justice Roberts and that you call him Mr. Justice Roberts. He has hooked up with four other Supreme Court justices, two of whom are still alive. We would like to remind everyone that contrary to rumors, they were all alive when he hooked up with them.
In all of his 26 years on the bench, Justice Anthony Kennedy has never been able to pronounce the word “justice” correctly. He often claims to be related to the Kennedys just to get people to stop fucking asking. Kennedy says that if he could go back and change one Supreme Court decision, it would be Roe v. Wade, as it resulted in the ghost of his unborn brother Herbert, who now haunts him every night.
June 4, 2014 So you may have heard that the 1 Stalingrad with only one casualty, bu regular court before Justice Trimble of the Constitution? Or that Taco Bel from our nation’s highest court? Use in all the blanks that your 11th grade
Justice Stephen Breyer has a general feel for the law and is heir to the multi-billion dollar ice cream corporation. He makes a seven-figure salary but is still able to keep a svelte, size two figure. He has asked Ginsburg to the annual Department of Justice prom for six out of the last seven years with only a 33 percent success rate.
Justice Samuel Alito, one of the most conservative justices on the court today, came to the attention of the U.S. government after he conducted a series of brutal coups d’etats in South America, which just so happened to topple dictators the U.S. government found unsavory. Now he goes to court making sure his robe is zipped up all the way in order to hide the tattoos of the names of every man he has killed.
Justice Antonin Scalia made the American Idol semifinals in 2007, but quit due to his immense love of justice. He was voted “Most Likely To Be Judge, Jury, and Executioner,” and his favorite candy bar is an Abba-Zaba. If he could wish for one thing, it would be a hologram of himself “just like that TwoPack fella.”
Known as Ruth “Ruthless” Bader Ginsburg, this left-leaning justice comes from a Delta Gamma background at Harvard. She is also the evolutionary organism between bird and dinosaur. Claiming to be “not the justice the nation deserves, but the justice the nation needs,” her favorite cases are Boy Scouts of America v. Dale and Jay-Z v. Solange. She’s also the lead drummer in the punk band Ginsburg and the Tonics.
Supreme Court Traditions Scrapbook
June 4, 2014 1943 Supreme Court returned from ut did you know that they were just a found that glowing, radioactive copy ll’s Gordita Supreme derives its name e our informational guide to help fill e APUSH class never addressed.
the supreme court Will the Supreme Court take your case?
The Supreme Court receives petitions for approximately 1.5 cases per American citizen, far more than they could, or would, ever consider. To deal with this excess, they have developed a fair method to avoid doing the most cases possible — er, I mean, address the cases most relevant to the interest of the American public. Yes
More than three syllables per word
At least one “Smith”
No Yes Just a tad No No
Enough to warrant some MSNBC coverage
Chief Justice Roberts’ Latest SwagRobe
Mad Lib Dissenting Opinion In the case of ________ v. ____________, the issue of the matter before us (name)
is whether ______________ is constitutional while you are in a(n) ______________, (issue / verb)
(place of business)
______________ yourself. (-ing verb)
The defendant in this case clearly violates ____________________ and, in fact, (favorite amendment)
puts our very ______________ at risk. As stated in the Constitution: “No ________ (patriotic noun)
shall be held to answer for ___________________ ... unless on a _____________ or (crime involving taxidermy)
(day of the week)
______________.” Take this instance: if you, as a(n) __________ citizen, were in (type of expedition)
a(n) _________________ establishment and were exposed to atrocities such as (adjective of oppression)
_____________, ______________, and _______________________, how would you feel? (type of sadness)
(type of violence)
(favorite human rights violation)
The main piece of evidence that swayed us in this direction was when Mr. _______________________ offered forward this compelling pearl of wisdom: (old money name)
____________________________________________________________________. (really forced analogy that can be read as a sex euphemism)
For further examples and evidence of the manifestation of said principle, you may further refer to our case ___________________ v. ___________________. (quietly racist community)
(minority group member)
The _______ of the matter is, Justice __________________________________ is a (noun)
(last name of your mean elementary school teacher)
complete ____________________ who is ___________________________ democracy, (negative noun)
____________________________ it bareback. In short, ____________ you sir. (-ing verb)
___________________ you. In fact, _________________’re out of order. This whole (same agressive verb)
(second person pronoun)
_________________ room is out of order. (-ing swear)
Right. Back to the case. Finally, we deem your case constitutionally _________________________. (spiciness level)
June 4, 2014
Youth Entering Lacrosse Game Plans To “Moneyball This Bitch”
Area Teen Tans Record Amount Since Last Summer Solstice
PHOTO BY GARRETT CHAN
Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s stage IV melanoma. BY KATIE BROWN
L PHOTO BY TREV MALONE
“Good game. Good game. You didn’t see shit. Good game,” said Hall. BY LAWRENCE LEE
Assistant Graphics Editor
ocal resident William Hall, 19, is joining the Junior Lacrosse League boys’ quarterfinal game between Glen Valley Elementary and East Central Charter School with the intention to “Moneyball this bitch.” Accompanied by loyal sidekick and best friend since fifth grade Joseph Namount, Hall has decided to unveil his plan to revolutionize lacrosse play. He hopes to recruit players suitable for a lacrosse team built on sabermetrics. “I was inspired by the film ‘Moneyball,’ which I watched recently with my family and my bro here, J-Ball,” said Hall, forcefully clapping Namount on the back. “After reading all the hype reviews on Metacritic, how could I not watch it?”
Namount then had a severe coughing fit only alleviated by two puffs on his inhaler, after which he muttered “prick” under his breath. “What I really want to do is get in there, get to know a few guys on the team, and see if anybody’s stats are close to what I’m after,” Hall continued. “I would love to play myself, but I might crush these scrubby kids too hard.” As Hall’s lead researcher, Namount established the statistical criteria to judge prospective players on. He derived these criteria both from repeated watchings of “Moneyball,” such as onbase percentage (OBP), and from a personality rubric, such as beer-shotgun average (BSA) and monthly getlaid average (GLA). “They’re really more of William’s ideas,” said
Namount hastily. “I just kind of tag along sometimes.” However, current players and officials on both teams have doubts about how fair these standards were towards them, especially considering players’ ages and experience with lacrosse. “The only reason I know what ‘shotgunning a beer’ even means is because my dad keeps telling me that I’ll never be able to do it,” protested Glen Valley goalie Ron “Corporal” Holmes. “I’m ten and three quarters, for Chrissake!” Glen Valley General Manager and Holmes’ father, Mr. Holmes, expressed different but equally negative views on the subject. “I like what this Hall character is doing, but I really don’t think that the kids on our team will be even close to what he’s looking for,” Mr. Holmes said.
“My son can’t even hit the old rusty cans in our backyard with the family Winchester.” “Honestly, I don’t really remember what happened in Moneyball,’” Hall defended. “I sort of fell asleep when the main character started turning younger when he was supposed to be getting older — I’m just glad I caught the ending.” Neither Hall nor Namount were inclined to reveal subsequent details on their plan beyond today’s events. “It’s our, uh, intellectual property, so we shouldn’t reveal the whole thing in case someone else tries to copy us,” Hall concluded as he sauntered towards the entry gates, occasionally punctuating his stride with “yeah” and “woo.” “You know the first rule of moneyball: you do not talk about moneyball.”
g-spot to become easier to find With the recent exposure of UCAB’s failure to enforce proper income guidelines for The Loft and perform the required maintenance they are responsible for, Price “Pricy” Center has been forced to close due to functional instability and inadequate organization. The G-Store (a.k.a. your Friendly Neighborhood G-Spot), on the other hand, has recently found astounding financial success. Experts attribute the G-Spot’s unprecedented profits to amazing four-for-$10 DVDs and a huge selection of used vinyl records. Student responses were enthusiastic, though not necessarily surprised when the G-Store announced late last week that they will be purchasing Price Center for $420,000 in cash and remodeling it. Experience predictions of the new and improved future below, or come to our open-to-the-public weekly meetings Fridays at 5:30 p.m. to learn more!
**Try our D’Blue, D’Green, and D’Tiger’s Blood flavored slushies!** **Text “currybook” to 420420 and get 10 **We’ll be taking advantage of that weird **Every blue book you buy comes with a percent more value for your books when side of pita and tzatziki!** you resell them to us!** PA system to hold the quarterly G-Store Open Mic**
Super Mario Sunshine Market
**Level up, price down!** **New host of the quarterly G-Store Super Mario Tournament**
Other changes will include replacing soulless plastic chairs with couches and coffee tables and replacing the echoes of clacking keyboards and wails of anguish with student-picked music.
Too impatient to wait for this beautiful vision to come true? Stop by the G-Spot in the Old Student Center, next to the Food Co-Op!
ocal student Julia Crown has reportedly accomplished a tan that is “akin to that of a Greek God” and “far and above anything that had come before” after strenuous efforts since the last summer solstice. One year ago, Crown allegedly sat at her high school graduation, pale and afraid of her upcoming future in college. It hadn’t occurred to her that the ghost-like appearance of her skin was important until she finally arrived in San Diego, where Crown reportedly found herself in awe of the sun-kissed skin around her. “It was, like, really eye opening, yah know?” Crown expressed when asked how she felt about the people at UCSD. “Everyone was just so tan and I was like, I need to do that. I need to be that.” Since the last summer solstice, Crown has increased her skin color from pale to “like, totally tan.” She explained that in order to become a tanned babe she had to undergo 30 minute rotations at the beach where she’d tan her front and then her back. She repeats this process about three times per tanning session. “Sometimes, if my skin’s super-duper, holy-whoopter dry, I just burn my skin to a lobster-red crisp. The peeling that occurs later gets rid of all of the dead skin and gets rid of all the cancer cells, because they like, just peel off. A couple days later I’m super dark — no pain, no gain.” When she returned home over spring break, only partway through her pursuit, her former classmates reportedly stared in
“silent awe” at the olive-colored complexion of her skin. “I used to think Batie was a dweeb in high school, but seeing her now … my god, how could we have known?” said former popular classmate and occasional harasser Hannah Swan with her eyes wide and silent tears of shame allegedly streaming down her face. “How could we have known her star tanning quality?” the previous schoolmates agreed. Since her tanning extravaganza began, Crown has reported a higher social standing in the eyes of her college mates. “Tanning has made me a more confident person, and as that confidence exudes, people notice. Now they all love me because I’m just one big ray of sunshine!” With luck and persistent tanning, Crown hopes to be “supernova- kissed” tan by the next summer solstice. “Happy tanning everyone! Nothing like soaking up those UV rays and risking your life for a little summer tan!” Crown said, well on her way to becoming a leather-skinned old lady. Crown has been advised by doctors about the risks associated with her high levels of tanning. However, not all doctors agree, such as local Doctor and For-Hire-CorporateStooge Donald Marcus, who claims that “nothing could be better for your skin, besides maybe the EZ-Tan 3000 from the Sundriod Company.” Crown has responded nonchalantly to the ridicule of most doctors, claiming that she prefers to “live life on the edge,” and test the boundaries of her skin’s potential for melanin production.
Differences between Your High School Self and Chernobyl 10. People paid attention to Chernobyl 9. They didn’t make fun of Chernobyl for its radiation poisoning 8. At least Chernobyl has the packs of stray dogs to keep it company 7. Chernobyl wasn’t overshadowed by the disaster at Fukushima 6. Everybody signed Chernobyl’s yearbook 5. Your high school self won’t affect people’s lives ten years from now 4. Chernobyl isn’t associated with increases in all types of cancer 3. Chernobyl is not an isolated incident 2. Chernobyl remains a significant event in your parents’ lives 1. Only one is desolate and barren by choice We appreciate you as only an inanimate object you project your feelings onto can. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. Next Year.
June 4, 2014
Alleged Racism in Alleged UC System Allegedly Denied
PHOTO BYJEN WINDSOR
“Look, what we need to address are the institutional and structural realities of our society that perpetuate inequality,” said Robert Faro, moments before chiding his server for having forgotten the sour cream on the side of his huevos rancheros. BY RILEY MALLORY AND KYLE TRUJILLO
Associate Content Editor and Assistant Design Editor he University of California system released a report on May 29 denying the purported racism allegedly permeating the UC system. This report comes in light of the recent “Cinco de Drinko” event at UC Davis, which allegedly represented an apparent ingrained racist attitude in UC students. Along with this reported report, the UC leadership has launched a larger campaign to dispel tensions among UC students, which has caused a wave of protests across UC campuses. “What proof do we have that these partygoers were actually students?” asked alleged Chancellor of alleged Academic Diversity, Ronald Faro. “I, for one, consider the presence of any more than a few people at this school with ingrained racist attitudes
from growing up in a culture built on racial inequality dubious at best.” The protests, which are allegedly currently taking place at allegedly most alleged UC campuses — with the exception of Riverside, where the heat has prevented any students from leaving their rooms for several weeks — have shocked UC staff. Many allegedly believed the UC system to have defeated racism in the UC system years ago, when the White Council of Professors rose together at the Temple of Education to cast it back from whence it came. Many alleged professors have also reportedly made alleged remarks on this issue. UC Irvine Chemistry Professor David Irvine reportedly claimed to a class of graduate students, “I just think we don’t have these issues anymore. These bright but misguided students are demanding required classes on minority histories? We required chem-
istry courses because everyone is made up of molecules, whereas not everyone on campus is a minority. “Also, women can’t learn physics,” Irvine, who is on the Board of Diversity Issues at UC Irvine, hurriedly remarked as the class ended. Alleged UC President Janet Napolitano also held a press conference in an attempt to assuage doubts about the UCs’ willingness to work against these sorts of allegedly reported events, if “they do in fact represent allegedly racist attitudes — not saying they do or anything.” When asked if she understood the outrage of protestors, Napolitano responded, “Think of how I felt when I heard about this supposedly planned party! Not only did the party organizers plan to dress up as stereotypical Mexicans, they also planned on dressing up as the Border Patrol, my beloved former employees and constituents.
“Though I may have helped tear countless families apart and militarize the border with Apartheid-tested gadgetry, that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings,” she allegedly concluded the speech, some reports have claimed. The UC system has reportedly reported numerous other alleged plans to remedy the situation. One proposed solution would be an annual “Punch a Cracker” Day, in which any and all minority students would get one good swing at whichever white person they wanted, in order to eliminate the alleged power structure in place between white and minority students. “I understand what you’re saying about white normative culture and standards of beauties or whatever, if those even exist,” said Faro, addressing minority audiences. “But what if, once a year, you could just break one of their jaws, you know? Wouldn’t that even it out in the long run?”
Supreme Court Rules Town Hall Blood Ritual Tradition Constitutional
I Am So Excited for My Internship! BY JOHNNY GO-LUCKY
Junior, Unpaid Intern his is going to be the best summer internship ever! I am just so grateful to my Aunt Gina for setting up the opportunity to work for such a cool company. You begin to take for granted the plastic rings that hold soda cans together I see around seagulls’ necks a lot. Great to get in on the ground floor of this amazing technology! Especially given that this is my first internship! I know that my previous job experience at summer camps and Jamba Juice doesn’t seem like much, but I have definitely learned to be a great team player and a great conflict mediator, especially when the blender took that one girl’s hand off! I am so excited to enter the professional sphere and really show what I am made of! I know the hours will be long, but I am ready to tackle any-
thing you give me! I have been taking online classes for Excel, and Clippy has helped me so much to feel comfortable with my computer skills! Pivot tables and even pie charts are a breeze for me! Granted, the internship is unpaid but I have been saving money from last summer and, really, the experience I am going to gain is much more valuable in the long run. Maybe I’ll even get hired someday if they see what great work I do. Everyone has to start somewhere!
That Is So Great! Would You Be a Dear and... BY BETHANY MATHEWS
Director of Management, Corporate Controller
e are so excited to have you here Johnny! We think you will learn a lot here and, most importantly, have fun doing it! So, I am going to have a small skinny caramel latte with no whip. Make sure they give two pumps of caramel. Becky from marketing is going to have an iced coffee with about two ounces of almond milk. If they don’t have almond milk don’t bother — she is allergic to soy, or so she says. Whatever. George is going to have just a green tea. He can’t drink coffee with his hypoglycemia or he’ll be jitterier than a grasshopper on a hot Georgian summer road. Bruce wants a large black coffee and one of those blueberry scones, on me. After the divorce he has been skipping meals and we are a little worried about him. Are you writing this down? You should be writing this down. Kathy in the corner office wants a cup of steamed milk. Don’t ask me why. I owe her a life debt after she saved
my son from that drug lord in Honduras after the deal went south. That, and we just get her the drink she wants and she gets her work done, so we can’t complain. Tristan from legal wants a cup of water with a packet of raw sugar dissolved into it. Some paleo thing he is trying out to get ready for his wedding. When I hear the word electrolytes, I just tune him out. He did me a favor during the end of last quarter, so just get it for him. Got all that? I think this summer internship is going to work out well. Now, the Starbucks is about ten blocks up the street. Sorry, I know it’s a hundred degrees outside, but oh well. You can pick yourself up something iced if you want, and if you have the money.
Similarities between an Angry Raccoon and a Commencement Speaker PHOTO BY COLE STEFFENSEN
The city was OK with the slaughtering of goats, as long as said livestock didn’t trample the newly seeded hydrangeas. BY JACK BEEGAN
y a vote of 7-2, the Supreme Court of the United States has found that the traditional blood ritual, which residents of Andrewston, Ohio use to begin their town hall meetings, is protected under the Constitution. “The court has ruled in favor of the residents of Andrewston, Ohio,” said Justice Antonin Scalia, who presided over the case. “Their customs do not violate the terms of the Constitution and, as such, they shall be allowed to continue this tradition, a timehonored aspect of the violent tapestry that is our colorful American culture.” The issue was originally thought to be an infringement on the separation of church and state, though Andrewston residents clarified
the ritual was not inherently a religious one. “Blood governs all,” said Andrewston Sheriff Henry William “Bud” Stanton. “Faith, creed, race, nation — it matters little. There is only power. And power comes from blood.” The case originated from the outrage of one Phyllis Dyer, a new resident of the town, who attended her first Andrewston Town Hall meeting in order to discuss the prominence of Coca-Cola advertising outside Iverson’s Original Soda Fountain. A local establishment, Iverson’s is noted for its status as Andrewston’s newest business — having opened its doors in the spring of 1953. “I thought I’d move here to this quaint little town, you know, just finally getting away from the chaos,” said Dyer. “So I go to this meeting and the next thing I know,
a man and a woman, both completely naked, are disemboweling a goat and writing on each other’s bodies with its blood. “To be fair, the knife lying in the middle of the town hall’s pentagram salt circle didn’t strike me as ornamental when I first saw it,” Dyer added. The vote comes as a relief to the 937 residents of Andrewston, many of whom feared for the survival of their longstanding tradition, which dates back to the town’s original founding in 1804. Local legend states the ritual preceded a meeting in which the town’s founders, led by former salt-thief turned milliner Andrew Holcombe, sought council from the Horned Lord Baphomet as to where their new town should be established. According to the tale, the settlers were instructed to find a white willow tree, set it
aflame, and follow the smoke to the carcass of a dead deer; this is where they would strike ground for their new home. Andrewston Town Hall sits on that very spot. Preparations for celebrating the decisive ruling are already underway. Patriotic bunting, American flags, and animal skulls of various species have begun to appear on houses and storefronts around the town as the town readies itself for a 6-day-long festival. “It’s nice to see the federal government get something right for a change, but whichever way they ruled, their decision would have been meaningless,” said Elizabeth Garfield, a teacher at Andrewston Elementary. “The laws of men are hollow. As acolytes of the Sabbatic Goat, we know it to be true. It was so, it is so, and it shall be so for days eternal.”
10. Your old roommate will probably Instagram it 9. You keep thinking it’s over, but it continues to attack 8. Appears to be wearing a mask of some sort 7. Your mom thought it was really cute 6. Received an honorary bachelor’s degree from UCSD 5. Illegal to own as a pet 4. Deterred by tiger urine 3. Clearly more qualified than you 2. Have no natural predators 1. You found it digging through the dumpster after the ceremony
Now that’s paper! Specifically newspaper. Of the satirical persuasion. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. Next Year.
June 4, 2014
NFL Draft Proposal:
I'm the Best Season!
Athletes To Be Replaced by Celebrities
Beloved Season eaches. Clear skies. Bright, blue days. Looking up and finding that you’ve watched Netflix for 36 hours in a row without performing necessary maintenance such as eating or urinating. If those sound familiar, it’s because they’re all facets of your friendly neighborhood season that takes place between the months of June and September if you’re in the Northern Hemisphere: Summer. Me. Everyone’s favorite season. Proud sponsor of over 476,000,000 search results on Google, more than any of the other standard seasons! But let’s not talk just about my popularity among the e-teens of the digital age; I’ve been just as popular since the dawn of the Earth’s axial tilt. After all, your grandfather didn’t walk uphill both ways in the snow during Summer! Those other seasons aren’t nearly as beloved as myself. Spring? Its only notable trait is being my harbinger. Fall? So
PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD
“My pass rush? Flawless,” Beyoncé whispered to herself as Iggy Azalea writhed on the ground before her with a torn ACL. BY KATIE BROWN
he NFL has become notorious within the past decade for hiring and drafting players that have an edge and carry shady objects that have pretty sharp edges themselves: knives, chopsticks, forks, bayonets, and muskets to name a few. A few choice examples of players with such edges are the cases of Aaron Hernandez, OJ Simpson, Richie Incognito, and Michael Vick. Hoping to minimize murders, racism, and ASPCA offenses this upcoming season, owner of the Denver Broncos, Pat Bowlen, proposed that the 2015 Draft consist of celebrities instead of Division I, highly-qualified, extremely talented college athletes.
“Just think about how good Justin Bieber would look as the new face of the Denver Broncos,” said Bowlen. “Of course, the better teams like the New England Patriots would have the Justin Timberlakes and Luke Bryans of the business, which would be the equivalent of drafting players from University of Oregon or the University of Southern California.” The proposal also states that weaker teams like the Broncos would have the Aaron Carters, who are equivalent to players of the University of California, San Diego’s football team. “If you are a good team, you get the pick of the litter. If your team is awful and doesn’t have a chance at getting to the Super Bowl no matter what happens, you get the leftovers,” explained Bowlen, while
discussing how the celebrities would be drafted. If passed by the NFL Council of Executives, the 2015 NFL Draft will solely be a pool of celebrities to pick from. Since college players will no longer be drafted there will be an increase in theatre majors, and football will eventually be phased out of collegiate sports (i.e., UCSD). “If you find yourself questioning this decision, consider how fantastic Beyoncé and Prince will be as NFL running backs instead of Super Bowl halftime performers!” said Peyton Manning, the Denver Broncos’ quarterback. Manning’s support of Bowlen is influencing the NFL executives to favor the proposition. Since the proposal has been under review for the past month, it has given time
for college athletes to express their opinions on the matter. A current player at University of Oregon said on his twitter that, “If the NFL actually thinks they’re going to get decent players out of washedup celebrities, they don’t know what they’re in for.” Multiple collegiate teams have started rioting against the NFL with the slogan “Draft us now, or Draft us later, hater,” implying that the athletes are conspiring to become movie stars and be drafted anyway. No word back from UCSD and how their players are taking it yet. A decision is said to be made by the 2016 NFL Draft. The executives are taking their time with the decision in hopes that drawing it out, like the Supreme Court does, will make their approach appear more thoughtful.
Oklahoma Christians Oppose Satanist Statue Outside State Capitol
irrelevant people forgot that its true name is Autumn. Winter? Spawned the Star Wars Holiday Special, and I’ll leave it at that. Now, what does Summer provide? Acceptable beach weather. Leisure time. Summer flings. Blockbuster movies, including but not limited to Christopher Nolan’s critically-acclaimed “The Dark Knight.” And that’s not even scratching the surface of my oiled, well-tanned excellence. This year, count your blessings, because you were born on a planet that gets to share in all that I have so graciously chosen to provide.
100 Percent of World Wars Started in the Summer BY WINTER
Seasoned Military Historian
esolation. Barrenness. Nihilism. Raising your eyes to the sky and praying for an end to this hellscape. If any of this sounds familiar, it’s because these are all facets of the wars which helped shape our modern world: the world wars. And, when did these begin? Summer. Not so great a season now, huh? “Everyone’s favorite season,” except the combined total of over 76 million killed as a result of the world wars, which began in the Summer. I’m tired of Summer trying to sweep this under the rug as if they weren't involved! It’s always “Oh, Winter, you kill off nature,” “Wow, Winter, I can’t believe you caused that man to die of frostbite,” or “Shucks, Winter, I’m better.” Well, I’m putting my proverbial foot down: Summer is the season that began the world wars, so by association Summer is responsible for the loss of innocence in the industrialized world. Hear
that? Summer is the antagonist in the blood-stained bildungsroman of our time. We need to end this seasonal tyranny. In order to prevent future demagogues from being persuaded to start more world wars to uphold the legacy of Summer, I propose that we relieve Summer of its status as a season. Its duties will be split among burgeoning seasons Estival and Serotinal. And I, as everyone’s true favorite season, will benevolently allow Christmas to last one whole week as celebration to the end of Summer’s Reign of Terror.
Ways To Explain Your Facebook Photos to Your Parents
PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE
The ladder worshippers were offended and taken aback by the all-encompassing and insensitive sign reading: “Do not climb.” BY TREV MALONE
klahoma Christians are crying for the separation of church and state after the Satanic Temple, along with other religious groups, have begun campaigning to have a statue outside the Oklahoma State Capitol. A statue of the Ten Commandments has been standing outside of the building since 2012, prompting other religious groups to develop their own statues for presentation. The first of these groups, the Satanic Temple, is in the final stages of completing a statue of the goat-headed deity Baphomet, which has become associated with the occult, and more specifically Satanism, since its creation in the early 19th century. Alphonse Nether, a high priest and representative of the New York-based Satanic
Temple, commented as to why the installation of the statue is integral to freedom of expression within Oklahoma and the United States as a whole. “The Christian lobbyists will spin their intentions and preach the ‘historical significance’ of the Ten Commandments to the roots of US Democracy,” commented Nether. “But we here at the Satanic Temple know this is nothing but a front to consolidate a religious message with American morals and legislation. We see no reason this statue needs to be on the Capitol lawn, but if they are going to play that game we are going to play it just as hard — and with much more ritual sacrifices of goats. Plus, our statue is way more badass.” Following the attention garnered by the Satanic Temple, other religious groups have begun campaigning
for their own statue on the Oklahoma Capitol lawn. An online petition has received over 30,000 signatures in support of a statue of Siddhartha Gautama, leader of the Buddhist faith. There has been a similar grassroots campaign by Oklahoma Hindis to erect a statue of the elephantheaded deity of learning and order, Ganesha, which has already commissioned a local artist to sculpt the piece. Britneyites, self-proclaimed “worshippers” of pop sensation Britney Spears, have received massive support over social media for a statue outside of the capitol, commenting as their slogan, “If BritBrit was able to get through 2007 and still stay so flawless, she must be a divine being.” Oklahoma representatives have declined to respond to any of the various groups’ campaigns officially, however the erectors of the Ten
Commandments statue have begun a counter campaign against the other statues. Meredith Crabtree, leader of the “Separate the Government and All the Other Churches,” has been protesting in front of the Capitol daily for over a month. “We want everyone to be treated equally regardless of their religious beliefs, meaning they all cannot have a statue in front of the Capitol. The Ten Commandments are an integral factor in the development of early law and their influence on the United States is undeniable. Our government was built on separation of church and state and we are just trying to fight for that, for separation between the government and everyone else’s churches. At the end of the day, we just want to protect the children from those Godfearing heathens.”
10. That nudity was primarily artistic 9. You see, a computer screen is made up of pixels, and each color pixel makes up a tiny piece of the picture 8. It’s my friend’s baby, I am just carrying it for them 7. You see, she stood close to the camera and held her hands out. The Tower of Pisa is far away in the background 6. It just so happened that our grape juice was expired and things got weird 5. It’s your fault. You created a monster 4. That’s litmus paper on my tongue 3. No, no, that puff of smoke is just a new Instagram filter 2. Don’t worry, that rock isn’t actually a potato chip. It’s much more stable 1. There is a reason they call my room the “Fuck Bunker”
June 4, 2014
Ex-Boyfriend Has Been Working Out Since High School, Dammit
In-Person Study Finds 95% of Undergraduates Impotent
PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
“Okay, now try that same move, but shout ‘Michael,’” said Senior Researcher Michael Trent. BY BARAK TZORI
Associate Content Editor
T PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE
Not pictured: Simon Cowell rating the same man as a five, stating, “Is this what you call a hunk? He hasn’t even reached McConaughey status.” BY KAYLE KVINGE
ridget Young, a first year UCSD student, reported seeing her high school boyfriend James Keys twice since returning to her hometown of Encinitas, CA — once at the mall and again in line at the grocery store — and “damn, does he look good.” The 6-foot-2, 140-pound boy that Young used to hold hands with in the halls of Encinitas High School has been transformed into a beefy, 180-pound piece of “muscularly spectacular ass.” Young reports that due to the transformation, she would like to do much more than hold hands with Keys. The breakup of Bridget Young and James Keys was big news for Encinitas High
School in June of 2013. The two broke up because Sarah Johnson told Young that Keys was grinding with “that bitch Stacy Graves” at Tommy Jones’ rager the week of graduation. Although heartbroken by Keys’ actions, Young was not about to let their breakup stop her from having a good time in college. After Young went to her first frat party, she became obsessed with the bulging, shiny muscles of men in beerdrenched togas, a nice change of pace from the withering, pale arms of Keys. Once immersed in the sea of raging testosterone and endless tubs of pre-workout, Young could not get enough of this new and exciting breed of man. Young began on a quest for sexual liberation, taking part in various explicit
acts with multiple so called “stud-muffins.” As her first year of college came to a close, Young began to worry that her supply of “man-candy” would disappear when she returned home for the summer, but was pleasantly surprised to see that her cold leftovers had been reheated by the microwave that is college and belated puberty. However, problems arose after Young approached Keys about rekindling their flame temporarily for the summer and she did not receive the response she had anticipated. Young threw Keys a “yearningbut-not-desperate” text message in which she suggested that they “hangout sometime to catch up ;).” Young was sure that her text message would make Keys curious and
“horny as all fuck,” according to a source close to Young, who would like to remain anonymous. Unfortunately, Keys never replied to Young’s text. The only proof that he read her message was a tweet that Keys posted 22 minutes after Young had sent her text, in which he stated, “Bitches be thirsty. Why would I go out with a 6 when I could get a 9?” Needless to say, Young did not get to “tear that ass up” as planned. Young reports that she will most likely have to wait until fall quarter to sink her teeth back into some tasty “man meat.” Keys, however, seems to be doing just fine with the ladies. Social leaders in Encinitas have been reported to be organizing a baby shower for his latest “baby mamma,” Sarah Johnson.
24'S BRIEFER SUTHERLAND NEWLYWED COUPLE MOVES INTO DIVORCE-READY HOUSE Following their destination wedding in the apocalyptic wedding capital Las Vegas, newlywed couple Megan and Geoffrey Mayer skipped their honeymoon phase in favor of moving straight into their beachfront mansion in Newport Beach to settle into the loveless, sexless, and claustrophobic stage popular with middle-aged couples. “All the money we will have saved from not going on fancy vacations, not throwing dinner parties, and not showering each other with diamond-encrusted matching sweaters will be spent on the separate twin beds, separate body pillows, and separate toothbrushes we’re planning on getting,” said Mr. Mayer. The two bedroom, two bathroom, and two porch concrete monolith was designed and built in 1958 by famed brutalist architect Le Corbusier. “We just don’t like sharing,” Mrs. Mayer said of their differences. “We each have a personal marriage counselor.” As far as children are concerned, the soon divorcing couple decided they would limit themselves to one. "I want a healthy boy who'll love to cook with his mom," said Mrs. Mayer. "And I dream of a son I can play catch with during my custody weekends and with whom I can overly antagonize his mother," said Mr. Mayer. At press time, the Mayers decided to wallpaper their guest bathroom with the papers of their impending divorce, which reportedly chilled the mood of the housewarming party considerably.
STUDY FINDS 1 IN 12 AMERICANS ACTUALLY A PILE OF RATS IN A TRENCH COAT A new study conducted by Princeton University on May 20 concluded that about eight percent of all Americans are actually just mounds of rats walking around as a collective being underneath a trench coat. The study notes that numbers have jumped significantly since the last survey in 2009, in which only approximately 1 in 40 individuals self-identified as a pile of rats in a trench coat. Some suspect, however, that the previous study may have been misconducted, with participants misreporting out of fear of ostracization. “We conducted the study with the intention of bringing the current, pervasive prejudice to light — we aren’t in the Dark Ages anymore,” commented Peter Nazumi, head researcher of the study. “Piles of rats in trench coats are just like the rest of us — hardworking citizens who deserve the same rights as any other American citizen.” According to Nazumi, social stigmas against hiveminded rat-beings has led to unfair treatment of rodent masses in the workspace, in businesses, and even in healthcare facilities. “I think the world is finally becoming ready to accept rat-people. They’re your friends, your family, your researchers at prestigious universities,” Nazumi added, before collapsing into a pile of rodents and raiding a local grocery store.
RISING WATER PRICES PROMPT CALIFORNIANS TO REPLACE WATER WITH GASOLINE
UCSD STUDENT DISCUSSES SUMMER PLANS WITH FRIEND, ELDERLY STRANGER, SELF
California’s severe and seemingly eternal drought has caused the price of water to rise above that of gasoline. To save money and water, the people of California have begun to use gasoline in place of water in some cases. Some residents have been seen using gasoline for hygienic purposes, including hand washing and showering. In fact, commuters have been seen at gas stations not only filling up their tanks, but pouring the fossil fuel on the bodies of their cars to remove the surface dirt. Corporate farmers have replaced their irrigation water with gasoline to save money. However, the efforts of these Californians are largely in vain, as the effects of the droughts still remain. California has seen an exponential increase in the frequency and intensity of wildfires, as homes, people, cars, and corporate farms almost spontaneously burst into flames due to the increasingly dry conditions. Police and fire chiefs remain perplexed as to why the newer fire truck models, equipped with gasoline pumps to save over the rising costs of water, have yielded less than stellar results. Already in the early wildfire season a number of San Diego County fire trucks have been lost in the flames. Researchers are frantically trying to find a connection between the fires and the drought, some going so far as to hypothesize that there may be more factors than the dry weather at fault.
Sophomore Angela Twinings had a phone conversation recently with a contact by the name of “Sandra,” discussing her hopes of having the “most relaxing summer ever” in a UTC Starbucks, accompanied by an iced vanilla latte and a blueberry scone. “I was thinking I might learn how to cook,” Twinings said. “I can never get Hot Pockets right, they’re always still cold and firm in the middle, or very warm but completely squishy.” After ending her conversation with Sandra, Twinings continued laying out her summer plans to an elderly gentleman at the next table over. “This is a good opportunity for me to not discover new things about myself, but instead to return to my essentials,” Twinings said to the stranger. “I’ll be the same person, but with an even stronger self-conception after fermenting in my own personality for a few months.” “Yes, indeed,” she murmured, now to herself, after the man left. “I can also finish editing the Wikipedia page on the sooty gull, which will look great on a resume — official Wikipedia editor.” Starbucks manager Tom Steed stated that at closing time, he gently herded Twinings out of the store and called her roommate to come pick her up. At press time, rumors had spread that Twinings had actually been eating a chocolate chip scone, not blueberry.
his week a new study emerged out of the UCSD’s Student Health department. The study, which was conducted by a group of graduate students, concluded with “quite surprising” results stating that 95 percent of UCSD undergrads are incapable of performing sexually. The study was conducted over a period of five weeks. 100 couples, of all age groups and sexual orientations, were instructed to simply have sex, under any conditions and in the places they felt most comfortable. Each couple was assigned a researcher tasked with observing them. The researchers went into the bedrooms, bathrooms, and apartment common rooms together with their assigned couples and took meticulous notes concerning breathing patterns, positions, and other details of the love-making process such as who Freddy was actually thinking about when he was screwing Jessica. When the researchers came back from the field, almost all of them had reported that neither partner of their assigned couple was able to reach orgasm. “I don’t know what could’ve gone wrong,” reported one scientist. “I was maybe four inches away from the action, I caught all of it. I just don’t know why they didn’t finish.” “My couple seemed on track when I observed them from afar, but the male could not finish the job when I overlooked them from a closer, more-detailed observation point,” claimed another. Shane Fitzsimmons, the student in charge of the study, offered his thoughts on the perplexing results. “I was quite surprised when the analysis of the study came back. On the face of it, it seems as though we missed something. Perhaps there was some bias introduced into the system that we missed. For that reason, the research team decided to recreate the study under more stringent conditions.”
The revisited experiment, which was carried out last month, was set up in a slightly different way. The couples were brought into the research lab and asked to perform coitus in a more controlled environment. The walls of the newly minted “Sex Lab” were entirely white. Brilliant, shining lighting was installed to ensure clear lines of sight without interference. The temperature was kept at 55 degrees to ensure that all sexual activity would be conducted in a temperate manner. To avoid influences from scents, the room was thoroughly sprayed with several layers of Febreeze Dentist’s Office™. Furthermore, the bed provided in the Sex Lab had its mattress removed to prevent any “unfair advantage” between couples who preferred back support over those who didn’t. And lastly, the number of in-room scientists was increased to five to make sure that all angles were covered and no detail overlooked. “There was no room for bias in the new experiment we built. We did everything right,” Fitzsimmons said. “For that reason we were so surprised when the results came back the same. Again, only five couples were able to have sex to completion.” The puzzled scientists finally accepted the results, seeing no faults in their experimental methods and concluding that the impotence likely arose from the stress caused by upcoming finals. Some of the participants of the study offered their remarks on the results. One who wished to remain anonymous stated, “I swear this never happens. It was cold and I went swimming earlier that day, you know. And besides, I was holding back, just ask my girlfriend.” “I don’t know, it was kind of hot,” stated another participant. “I usually have to ask my friends if they’re willing to watch and they usually say no. But these researchers knew all the shit me and my boyfriend are into, they even had Febreeze!”
Little-Known Facts about Student Loans 10. If the college finance office doesn’t give you a receipt, they're free 9. Legal method of repressing socioeconomic minorities 8. Five dollars off if you sign up on a Tuesday 7. Don’t have to pay them if you defeat the UC Regents’ boss in hand-to-hand combat 6. Have robbed you of the ability to buy boots, straps 5. They don’t actually loan out students 4. U.S. sold them as victory loans during WWII 3. Buy two, get one free at an interest rate of 49 percent 2. Research suggests that they can be avoided by not going to college 1. Another cog in Obama’s liberal machine to destroy American society through socialism
June 4, 2014
The MQ’s Ocean Depth Chart Bathypelagic Layer
Ranging from the surface of the ocean to 100 meters underwater, the Bathypelagic (pronounced bath-ee-p, no wait baith-i-po, no, screw it) Layer is the most top layer due to its proximity to the sun. Dolphins sometimes chill in this layer to amuse humans. This layer was voted Maritime Quarterly’s most popular layer but is commonly derided as superficial.
Bro Now He’s Here Chill-Ass Dolphins
A Very Lovely Combination of Topaz and Periwinkle-17 Layer
At this depth, two things happen: the Seamaster 3000 stops functioning and drowning victims begin to believe in a higher power. This layer is only two feet deep but surprisingly is 30 percent whale semen and is only getting denser. As a result, it has acquired the nickname, “The Ocean’s Truckstop Bathroom.”
Finding God, Losing O2
The Twilight Layer
You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension – a dimension of sound, sight, and mind. You’ve just crossed over into the Twilight Layer. Scientists question the very existence of this layer, noting that it’s entirely immune to climate change. Fish swim backwards through the sea of human imagination and “jumbo shrimp” is no longer considered an oxymoron.
Artifacts of the Twilight Layer
Rich Chocolatey Layer
This is the layer where all of the Chilean Seabass are hiding. Fun fact: if Mount Everest were submerged to this depth, then all of the people in Nepal would be freaking out. The sea creatures in this layer were born in the darkness, molded by it – they didn’t see the light until they were already men.
What Is That?
WHAT IS THAT?!
So Deep Only James Cameron Has Been Here Layer
Sleeping with Fishes
This layer houses a large collection of mob-era cement shoes. Home to Dr Pepper’s 23rd flavor mines; this is where 45 percent of all aliens are discovered. What this layer lacks in light, it makes up for with an abundance of evolutionary creativity. It is still not deeper than the poetry you wrote in the seventh grade.
Published on Jun 4, 2014