February 8, 2023
theMQ.org
Page 3
Student Discovers Their iClicker Works Like Remote from Click Starring Adam Sandler
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This Year’s Super Bowl Ads Were the Worst Yet BY JUDY HOFSTEDDER
Not Angry, Just Disappointed very year, on a beautiful winter day, my family gathers for a day of festivities. A day where no matter who you are or what you believe in, you are inextricably bound together. For about three hours, families across the country sit down together and are united by their simple love for a beautiful game — and even more beautiful commercials. Over the past couple years, I felt my precious day slipping away from me. Why, you might ask, was the most important day of my year ruined? Companies worth billions of dollars aren’t willing to pay a little to give us a good, original ad. I remember the days when watching the commercials was more important than the game itself. With the non-stop brutality occuring on the field, TV timeouts became moments of joy. I grew up watching “Mean” Joe Greene giving a little kid his jersey, the iconic “Where’s the Beef” ad, and “1984” by Apple. I was married two days after Michael Jordan and Larry Bird played
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PHOTO BY AMIT ROTH
“A, A, A, A, A, A, A,” said one affected professor. her newfound BY AMIT ROTH Ass. Graphics Editor
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t the beginning of the winter quarter, secondyear student Eva Graveller learned that VIS 153: Film Study in American Comedy requires participation via iClicker. She recounts, “It was, I wanna say, 11 p.m. on the Sunday before classes started when I found out. I ordered mine from Wish.com, ’cause I’m sure as hell not paying full price for anything in college when I can find a fix online. I was lucky that the guy was desperate or something and responded quick, saying he could deliver it to me in 10 minutes. Well, next thing I know, I’m manipulating the flow of spacetime!” Graveller’s iClicker can reportedly pause, rewind, and accelerate the passage of time. “Comes in handy when Teach goes on to the next slide too fast,” Graveller explained while describing
powers, “and parts that were a bore before just fly by now … honestly every class should require an iClicker.” Her use of the remote has persisted outside the lecture hall and is “pushing the buttons” of students on campus. An anonymous protester remarked, “Eva thinks she’s bulletproof. She has over 50 ‘first tries’ at everything. She stole gum from Chuck and Larry, copied Jack and Jill’s homework, and Billy Madison … I think she was testing the iClicker delete button on him.” Many people have attempted to explain to Graveller the alleged “consequences of playing God,” including her roommate, Paula Dart, who commented, “I tried telling her what happens to Adam Sandler by the end of the movie Click, but Eva said she doesn’t watch ‘kiddy’s first PG-13 movies,’ even though I damn
well know she was assigned to watch that movie for VIS 153. Anyways, then she just mutes me. Mutes me! We can’t ever settle anything like grown-ups.” “Eva does not seem to be taking the situation remotely seriously!” exclaimed Graveller’s mother. “I heard she was having trouble at school. I try to help her, but she answers my texts with A through E responses. Sorry, this is all very confusing.” Graveller’s mom continued, “Even more disturbingly, the only thing I got from my Eva was that she was planning to hold down the forward button on her iClicker and fast-forward through the quarter to be done with finals. I told her she can try, but you don’t mess with the chronon.” Only hours later, Graveller returned from the future. “After I skipped to spring break, I thought to skip to
when I get my degree. Then to when I get a nice job. But then I thought about it more — why would I want to work? So I kept going, trying to find when I can stop having to work and worry,” Graveller said. “There was nothing,” she continued solumnly. “I have met face to face with the self-perpetuating cycle of suffering and with my own mortality. My power-hungry id has been overtaken by hubris,” she stated. “It then clicked: Teach was right. We have a lot to learn from movies.” Now that Graveller’s “eight crazy nights” of godhood are over, the fate of the infamous iClicker is up in the air. Afraid that “breaking it would create a black hole,” Graveller decided to donate her magical remote to the professor of her film studies course, who can now fulfill his dream of pausing time and watching every movie ever made.
The MQ’s Booth at the Flea Market cp
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Welcome to our booth at the flea market, where you can find various goods and services … for a price. Our beloved son Crank left for college, and while we’re sad to see him go, we’re excited to get rid of all the junk he left lying around and make a few bucks off of it. Take a look. am i
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a game of HORSE. My daughter’s first steps happened during the Budweiser frog ad and my younger brother proposed to his wife after Terry Tate: Office Linebacker. All these ads had a couple things in common: they were innovative, hilarious, and handcrafted specifically for the most important day of the year. Now, Super Bowl ads are no longer special. People see the same ads they see every other day of the week, the same drivel companies peddle to watchers of daytime television, or those you might see at 3 a.m. on a Saturday. If I have to hear the Whopper jingle one more time, I might snap. Burger King, be warned. You better not ruin my day.
COUNTERPOINT Try the All-New Flavor Bomb in Your Ford F950! BY RICK SUBWAY
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Corpohumanoid
he Super Bowl is an important day. Consumers need to be told what to buy for the upcoming year. Without advertisements, they’d be helpless, and the world would quickly descend into anarchy. Could you picture it? Consumers wandering listlessly through strip malls for hours on end, unable to choose which restaurants to enter, starving to death five Footlongs away from a Subway. However, buying ad time is getting harder and harder, as Big Media works to oppress our beautiful messages, charging $6.5 million for just 30 seconds on your screens. That’s why we haven’t been able to make game-changing ads anymore. There isn’t any money left to spend on the ad itself, because companies are practically bankrupting themselves just to air it. So
the next time you see what you think is a crappy ad for a Happy Meal, just remember what those poor people at McDonalds are giving up to reach you. Reward their bold risk by taking some of your many dollars and donate to their company. I may never be able to fill the void in your heart, but I’ll leave you with an inspirational quote I heard the other day: “Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper; Junior, Double, Triple, Whopper; Flame-grilled taste with perfect toppers.”
TOP TEN
Things to Do by Yourself on Valentine’s Day
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Reco rd brea ed tape o t Your hing hea f us vily age minu s 10
10. Reflect 9. Make mead 8. Email your middle school crush 7. Walk behind groups of friends and laugh when they laugh 6. Make valentines for everyone in your CHEM 40B lecture 5. Stir a pot of mac and cheese 4. Your homework 3. A cool flip! 2. Shrekathon 1. Take an “Am I Gay?” test
Shake well before using THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.