Costco to Offer Medication Samples

Last weekend, the United States military shot down a balloon suspected to be part of a Chinese espionage operation. When the balloon was first discovered over the continental United States a few days before, the government of China stated that the balloon was a weather balloon that flew off course.

After the discovery of a potential second balloon above South America, a spokesperson from China’s “premier balloon authority” offered a new explanation for the balloon. In a video posted on Twitter, they said, “Everybody loves a memorable birthday party, and apparently somebody celebrated by building heavy-duty high-altitude balloons with cameras on them. We have learned that they used it to take a high-resolution infrared selfie of their party from 60,000 feet, and we apologize that it then floated over numerous military installations in the United States.”

Americans living in the path of the balloon had mixed responses to this new explanation on social media. Twitter user @balloon_enjoyer said, “This makes so much more sense! Going to buy one of these for my next birthday party!” However, user @under_where wrote, “Kind of skeptical about this whole birthday thing. Where are the candles? And what’s up with the telescope sticking out?”

Meteorologist Marty Harrow recently published the results of several years of research. In his article, he concluded that while daily hours of sunlight fluctuate with the position of Earth in its orbit, this year he is “pretty sure” that the hours will only continue to decrease. Describing his methods, Harrow said, “It’s pretty intuitive. I just look outside, and I think, wow, it’s dark at 4 p.m., and I don’t feel like the sun is ever going to rise again. Some people say this is just because I’m vitamin deficient, but I drink essential oils every day, so I don’t think that’s it.”

Other meteorologists have criticized Harrow’s methods and findings. Barbara Plant said, “[Harrow] chases after bizarre explanations completely disproportionate to his vague ennui. He claims Earth’s northern pole is slowly tilting away from the sun, so the hemisphere where he lives will be eternally dark in two years time. He completely ignores all laws of physics, common sense, and standards of peer review to instill his temporary hopelessness into his worldview. You might think it’s inspiring that it’s so difficult to be reasonably pessimistic, but this isn’t a metaphor — he’s giving meteorologists a worse reputation than Bill Murray.”

TIKTOK WHERE CREATOR POINTS TO TEXT HAS GREAT RELATIONSHIP ADVICE, ACTUALLY

BY CONNOR BETTERLY Copy Commander

In a groundbreaking move last week, the director of Costco announced a new initiative to expand the company’s famous free sample program into its medication offerings. Starting next month, customers can visit designated sample sta - tions throughout the store to try out a variety of overthe-counter and prescription medications, including painkillers, antidepressants, and even recreational drugs.

“We want to make it easy for our customers to find the right drugs for them, just like

HOUSE HUNTERS RENEWED Houses go into hiding

As February began, many young people described themselves as “pressed to impress” their partners. One such youth, Julian Wheels, found a solution on his “For You” page. “It’s nearly Valentine’s, and I’m like 95% sure that Chelsea’s gonna expect something big. That’s when I found @gfwhisperer on TikTok. I’m so glad subtlety in human communication is slowly getting phased out thanks to these relationship hacks.”

The creator, known for his romantic advice, has “come in clutch” to many users in the comments. “This guy is the real thing!” exclaimed Wheels. “People say that the reason he can make 20 TikToks a day is because he just points to some text above him, but I think that’s reductive. He knows his stuff.”

Detailing his Valentine’s plans, Wheels continued: “I think I’ll use a gfwhisperer classic: the ‘pretend to not be interested plus gaslighting combo.’ At our date, I’ll show up 40 minutes late with no explanation, then edit my text that tells her when we were supposed to meet. I can already tell she’s gonna be crazy about me.”

Neither Wheels nor his partner could not be reached for comment after that night, but the fallout appears to have motivated Wheels to start his own TikTok page, where he explains “what women really want.”