THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
December 4, 2013
“I can’t be everybody’s hero and villain. Savior and sinner. Christian and anti-Christ!” — Kathleen Sebelius,
U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services
Volume XX Issue III
You can’t do it, we can’t help.
Sun God Planning Committee to Cut Student Tickets from Festival
IN THIS ISSUE REPURPOSING YOUR WREATH
THE GOOD (COOK)BOOK
GUIDE TO THE LAB
6, 7 8
LETTERS TO SANTA DINING DOLLARS SPENT ON GIFTS
NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
While many students were understandably disappointed by the news, security guards were excited at the prospect of getting in the bouncy castle more than once. BY KEVIN CHU
n a report filed announcing potential changes to the 2014 Sun God Festival, the Sun God Planning Committee (SGPC) announced that student tickets would be eliminated for the upcoming May event in order to increase stu-
dent safety at the event. The no-student policy comes after the 2013 Sun God Festival saw rises in drug- and alcohol-related detox visits, emergency room transports, and reports of security guards being called “stupid fathead squares” by inebriated festivalgoers. “Our number one concern
this year is student safety,” said SGPC Director Deandra Williams. “Research into the matter has found that attending Sun God is the number one reason that students are drunk at Sun God.” The student fees that pay for the festival will still be put toward putting on Sun God 2014. While students will not
be allowed to attend the event, security guards, SGPC members, and other festival personnel will be able to enjoy all the festival has to offer, including the performance stages, the inflatable obstacle course, and the free water tent.
See SUN GOD, page 2
Domestic Christmas Light Shows Draw Displaced Ravers BY KATHERINE WOOD Staff Writer
n response to police crackdowns on and cancellations of raves across the nation, San Diego youths have begun holding raves using Christmas light displays on neighborhood lawns as a substitute form of entertainment. “Domestic Christmas light shows are slightly safer environments that still provide all the major attractions of raves” San Diego Police Chief Angelina Zamora said. “They’ve got throngs of closely packed people, blindingly bright lights, and most importantly, deafening and endlessly repeating music!” Local teens have expressed excitement that going to visit yard decorations is finally gaining long-anticipated popularity among their peers. “I used to get majorly teased if anyone from school saw me while I was out looking at Christmas lights with my family,” said Zachary Rojas, a senior at Central High. “But now that everyone’s going to them, I’m seen as a trendsetter.” Other Christmas rave attendees have expressed enthusiasm about the abundance of holiday decor, like kandi canes, gum drops, and fake snow that’s really just powdered Ecstasy. “This reminds me of celebrating Christmas at my grandmother’s house,” yard rave attendee Melissa Fierhand said. “Lots of cheer and smiling faces, soft and fuzzy sweaters to rub your face in, a general spirit of goodwill and hospitality toward all humankind, and drugs everywhere!”
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER LIFE JUST A SERIES OF PUBERTIES ENDING IN DEATH Recent research reveals the human lifespan is a succession of puberties from childhood to death. “While the process by which humans reach physical sexual maturity is still very much within the range of ages 10 to 17, the awkwardness in human interaction, the surges of hormones gone awry, the fear of everyone out to eat you alive for their lunch money — that fear persists throughout our entire lives,” said UCSD biologist Milton Bynes, who spearheaded the study. After the initial puberty, adults then enter a second wave of puberty, in which insecurities shift from “how to successfully ask someone out to prom” to “how to successfully and seductively dance up on someone at the club without sloshing your drink all over them.” “Puberty for fortysomethings is when hormones
instigating passive-aggressiveness are at their highest levels,” elaborated Bynes. “There aren’t a lot of outlets out there for middle-aged sexual desire, so a lot of that anxiety is translated to binge buying at the prepared meals section of Whole Foods.” Only when people reach their golden years, ages fifty and beyond, does puberty begin to decline. “The elderly begin mellowing out because they finally start to understand that life is too short to squander it wearing cheap cologne and making voice memos secretly addressed to that cutie you’ve been eying instead of calling him straight up,” Bynes added. “Death is the final puberty,” he concluded. “But until then, there’s no escape from those awful scars all over my hands from touching certain people.”
NEW STUDY FINDS YOU CAN TOTALLY TAKE THAT GUY
The gifts were kind of meh, but the E was amazing. The often-overlooked domestic light display community is also pleased about their audience gain. “It’s gratifying that more people are beginning to appreciate our Yuletide light shows as the art form they really are,” said Michael Kitamura, Exalted Leader of the San Diego chapter of the Order of Yard Lights. “We try to push the boundaries of technology, performance art, and our neighbors’ late-night noise and light tolerance.” Kitamura is working on improving his show for next year, adjusting his light show to meet the requirements of the San Diego Airport Air Traffic Control domestic lighting restrictions after illuminations from his yard this year misled several airplanes, resulting in four crashes into his backyard in the month of November alone.
MANIACAL SNOWMAN CAUGHT AFTER 20-PERSON KILLING SPREE Victims killed in cold blood
Kitamura has also created a Kickstarter to fund his massive December electrical bill, which topped $40,000 in 2012, and is asking for contributions of “holiday goodwill and generosity in the form of cash payments.” “Preferably with as many zeros as Santa has reindeer,” he continued. “According to most sources, that’s eight.” High electricity bills like Kitamura’s have become a problem for city officials, who have struggled to reduce December yard show-related citywide brownouts. This year, however, they successfully reduced household brownouts to a record low 87-percent occurrence rate. “What we did to bolster households’ electrical power was, we just cut electricity off from extraneous city agen-
PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN
cies, like the DMV and local elementary schools,” city hall spokesperson Lisa Engleman said. The city of San Diego reported that, to the relief of locals, cutting electricity off from several hospitals in the area will allow them to keep a 30-foot Christmas tree in Downtown San Diego lit through December. An estimated 115 San Diego residents haven’t been able to leave their houses for about two weeks now, because the crowds on their lawns are just too dense to get through. “Haha, maybe Santa will give them some rations and toilet paper along with their gifts!” City Manager Khalil Granger said. “That’d be cute. “And anyway,” he added, “There really is no place like home for the holidays!”
PICKLE SQUASHES WORLD’S TINIEST MAN Doctors cite internal hemorrhaging, kosher dill flavor
A newly released study finds that you can totally kick the ass of that guy by the keg talking to the girl you like but have barely talked to. The study indicates that, seriously, you can take that guy, don’t even worry about it. Not only that, but the study claims that it would be a great idea, and that she totally likes you and thinks that dude is a total fake anyway. The study also reveals that, I mean, who the hell does he think he is? He thinks she’s totally into him, but the study finds that her refusal to make eye contact with you was just because she was like,
totally into you and a little nervous about it. She’s just laughing at his jokes because she hopes he’ll leave, the study’s data clearly indicates. The results of the study indicate that even though you’ve had a few, you’re still thinking straight and that this whole thing is a great idea. It further indicates that even though you haven’t been to the gym since you’ve been at UCSD, he’ll be really intimidated if you take your shirt off. The study also finds that she’ll be, like, really impressed. The study concludes that there’s no possible way you’ll regret this tomorrow morning.
CUTE BOY NOT IN LECTURE BECAUSE HE CAUGHT YOU STARING According to sources, handsome third-year Thomas Griffin was not present in class today because he saw you — yes, you — staring at him. Griffin, who you sat two seats behind in lecture last week, was too nervous to come to class, save he catch that “bug-eyed weirdo” staring at him again in lecture today. Sources also speculate that he would
have totally come in today if he had caught you staring at him from your usual spots three seats behind him, but no, you just had to get a closer look at his newly trimmed neckline. At press time, you were seen quietly beating yourself up over your mistake.
See BRIEFS, page 11
December 4, 2013
Student Cheats on Exam by Reading Material Beforehand
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:
“The students at the festival last year definitely got too crazy,” said SGPC Assistant Director Hannah Holat. “We believe that eliminating student attendance will not only keep them safe, but will also make the festival a more enjoyable experience for the performers, the food vendors, and the port-a-potty attendants.” SGPC has established a separate committee, the Student Safety Force (SSF), that will be in charge of publishing future reports. These reports are designed to inform students of safer drinking practices to use on the day of Sun God, such as pouring a little bit into nearby plants, immediately vomiting alcohol after drinking it, and sharing a cup with multiple friends. “At this point, we’ve tried our best to come up with ways to make students safer at Sun God, and the only plausible solution was to not let students
into the festival,” said Williams. “We’re taking the first step so something doesn’t happen, so that we can actually have a Sun God, without the trouble of dealing with drunk idiots.” Other changes announced in the report were an increased budget for Sun God performers due to a lower amount of wristbands and guest tickets that SGPC would have to order. The report also hinted at the possibility of a festival livestream so that students can pay and watch performances from the safety of their rooms. “Our decisions were made with student health and safety as the foremost concern,” said Holat, “If that means students doing nothing in their rooms like they do any other day of the year, that’s fine by me. “They can probably use that time to think about what they’ve done,” added Holat, “Or at least learn how to handle their fucking liquor.”
Unreleased Holiday Porn Films
PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
Many students ethically prepared for the midterm by practicing leaning over seats and peeking at another person’s exam. BY ANDREW DENERIS
he UCSD Office of Undergraduate Studies has accused Sixth College freshman Robert Hamilton of cheating on his PSYC 1 midterm, alleging that he read and reviewed the course material well in advance of the exam. Authorities were first alerted to Hamilton’s actions when his professor reported that he had received a score of 97 percent on the exam, in sharp contrast to the class average of 45 percent. Investigations into Hamilton’s day-to-day activities prior to the exam, made possible by ResNet’s SafeConnect computer monitoring software, confirmed that Hamilton had accessed its content in advance by taking the provided practice quiz, doing the optional homework problems in the syllabus, and
even attending the review session given by the professor two nights before the test. Based on this information, the Office deemed that Hamilton’s preparation for the midterm gave him an unfair advantage compared to his classmates, whose pre-exam studying regimens included five-minute long SparkNotes page browsing, cursory glances at the Wikipedia article on psychology, and an 11th-hour study session in Geisel Library that quickly devolved into an in-depth analysis of “26 Vines You Have to See Before You Die.” “No student should be expected to take the methodical, highly organized approach that Mr. Hamilton used in preparation for the exam,” Office of Undergraduate Academic Affairs spokesperson Martha Briggs said. “And we can’t have him lowering the curve — every-
day students don’t deserve to have their grade lowered to a C just because they didn’t get the chance to attend lectures or put effort into the class.” The office reported that it would lower Hamilton’s score on the midterm to match the class average, so that his “academic excellence” would not have a detrimental effect on the grades or attitudes of his fellow students. Hamilton’s TED account has also been suspended, and he will only be permitted to attend every other lecture, in order to better align his exposure to class material to that of his peers. Though this is Hamilton’s first brush with plagiarism, other students have had their scores lowered due to excessive preparation in advance of an exam. “We had a case last year of a student who got a score
40 percent higher than the average on a BILD 1 midterm,” Briggs said. “It turned out that he had studied for it on Sun God. “Needless to say, his score was corrected,” she added. Hamilton’s peers have supported the office’s decision to revise his score on the exam. “What’s unfair about this situation, and why I applaud the school for changing [Hamilton’s] score, is that this kind of psychotic, comprehensive, advance studying is unfair to students who choose not to make academics a priority,” fellow PSYC 1 student Jane Spitzer said. “I don’t think the rest of us should have to suffer because of one student’s unhealthy attachment to his GPA and his willingness to go to extreme lengths to sabotage his peers — that’s just not good for anybody.”
10. 12 Days of Dickmas 9. Yule Be Getting Fucked 8. 2 Girls 12 Nights 7. Grandma Got Rammed Over By a Reindeer 6. A Christmas Whorey 5. Hos Hos Hos 4. How the Grinch Stole My Virginity 3. O Cum O Cum Emmanuel 2. Eight Maids A-Milking 1. The Nutcracker
Get some fresh air. Read the MQ outside.
Editor-in-Chief...........................Allie Kiekhofer Managing Editor..........................Garrett Chan Content Editor.................................Kevin Chu Design Editor.........................Elizabeth O’Neil Graphics Editor.............................Ryan Gibbs Graphics Editor...............................Sora Chee Copy Editor............................Andrew Deneris
Business Editor..............................Avi Kabani Web Editor..................................Connor Brew Publicity Chair..............................Trev Malone Social Chair............................Hilary Morefield MQ Dad...............................Bora Buyuktimkin Foreign Correspondent..............Wesley Chan Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne
Staff Members Jacob Aguirre Rasheed Al Kotob Summer Anderson Jack Beegan Corey Breier Connor Brew Andrew Buss Bora Buyuktimkin Romelle Canonizado Mark Cayaba Alejandra Cervantes Garrett Chan Hillary Chan
Are we smizing? I’m pretty sure we’re smizing.
Wesley Chan Sora Chee Rosa Cho Becca Chong Kevin Chu Angelique De Castro Andrew Deneris Brandon Ehlert Dylan Everingham Jeffrey Filice Amber Gallant Ryan Gibbs Alison Gilchrist
Rachel Huang Avi Kabani Allie Kiekhofer Grace Kim David Lee Lawrence Lee Riley Mallory Trevor Malone Crystal Martinez Natalie McLain Hilary Morefield Mal Murray Sean O’Neal
Elizabeth O’Neil Audrey Olson Corlin Palmer Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Cole Steffensen Tyler Takemoto Walter Thavarajah Hoang Tran Kyle Trujillo Barak Tzori Howard Wang Katherine Wood
Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.
“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. I’m getting that nauseating but heartwarming end-of-production feeling when I re-realize for the millionth time how lucky I am to work with the people in the MQ. Everybody killed it this weekend, old and new. Kevin and Andrew were more on top of it than ever before, with regard to both their jobs and training new kids. I honestly couldn’t keep up; endless thanks to you two for being so patient with me. Sora and Ryan’s army of graphics minions may outsize the U.S. military. Elizabeth pulled off what I think is our most innovative and academically informative centerspread to date and taught a bunch of us some design along the way. Lawrence, David, Howard, Katherine, you guys are already better at graphics than me. Riley, Barak, Natalie, Ale, Cole, Hillary… and Garrett!, amazing job running content. It seems Randall provided you with the courage and strength you needed to command the room. Jacob and Natalie, thanks for copy reading. Sorry for distracting you. Kyle, you are a killer illustrator, and I only wish you’d found us a year earlier. Ale, you win the award for fastest assimilation into the MQ. God damn it, guys. I can’t believe I don’t get to see you all for three whole weeks. I’ll be here, reading and re-reading this issue, waiting for you to come back to Half Dome. See you all in 2014.
Booster Club Garrett brought donuts and 48 sodas, Bora brought chips, Riley brought “nillawafers,” Andrew, Barak and Riley for using their Dining Dollars to feed the Sequoia Room and Elizabeth for feeding the office, Kevin for Vana Whiting. This Booster Club is dedicated to Red Vines, which were missing from production for the first time in over 70 years, or since I’ve been here. Red Vines, you were sorely missed. We’ll never forget you again.
December 4, 2013
First Annual Turkey Drop Sort of Successful
You Humans Are So Stupid for Not Migrating South Every Winter!
BY BRANDON EHLERT
aking its inspiration from one of the most treasured UC San Diego events, the Halloween Pumpkin Drop, the first annual Muir Turkey Drop took place in Muir Quad Tuesday before Thanksgiving vacation. “We figured, the Muir Pumpkin Drop is a hit, but why do it once a year?” organizer Jack Melback, who first had the idea for the drop, said. “So I figured, let’s make it seasonal: a turkey stuffed with candy to drop from Tioga Hall.” The committee prepared for the event by deciding how to stuff the turkey with candy. “Everything just kind of fell into place once we made the decision to use a live turkey,” Leading Event Planner Candice Paloma said. “Basically, we obtained a Heritage-bred Bourbon turkey, raised to strict quality and health standards. Then, for the three days leading up to the drop, we fed it a continuous stream of still-wrapped assorted chocolates and candy, consisting mainly of Milky Ways, Hershey’s Special Dark, and Dots.” The event attracted 500 UCSD students, who gathered at the base of Tioga. A few brave students were seated in the “Splash Zone,” a seating area five feet from the site of the drop. “We took the inspiration for the Splash Zone from our neighbor, SeaWorld,” explained Candice. “I guess it really brings the reality closer
Livin’ La Vida Loca t just perplexes me darling, I am telling you. We have to migrate all the way here and they can pay a couple hundred bucks, jump in the giant metal air demon, and be here in less time it takes me to cover the Jeffersons’ lawn with some of my “little miracles.” Going south for the winter is obviously much better than staying north. If I was still there, my feathers would be more like feather-sicles. Excuse me señor, could I have another lime margarita please? Extra salt on the rim. Muy gracias! Ugh, did you see him? They don’t make waiters like that in Ottawa, let me tell you. The mounties have noth-
PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE
The verification of the turkey’s status as a flightless bird was hailed as another hallmark of the event’s success. when you can feel everything, especially when that’s complemented by seeing everything! I doubt I’m speaking just for myself when I say that it’s not every day that you get to experience fresh turkey giblets, up close.” When the turkey was dropped, it landed feet first, and the resuting explosion threw blood, guts, and feathers about a radius of 38.2 feet. The furthest piece of candy landed 63 feet away. “It was so fun sifting
through the digestive tract of the turkey to get the candy, especially the Dots!” biology major and pre-med Blaine Hooch said. “The candy was nice and warm, and surprisingly easy to chew. I have an anatomy quiz this Wednesday, so looking at the exploded turkey provided a really great review!” To the surprise of some attendees, the turkey did not survive the event. Forensic analysts guessed that it died either upon making contact
with the cement or from the forces involved when 500 students searched through its body for candy. Next year’s planning committee has already begun generating new ideas that will make the event run even more smoothly. The Splash Zone will provide ponchos, and in order to reduce the forces imposed on one turkey, three turkeys will be dropped, and veterinarians and three ambulances will stand by to provide assistance.
ing on my Rodrigo, other than those hats. Rodrigo should get one of those hats ... Sorry, I got a little distracted. Like I was saying, why don’t the humans follow our lead? We’ve been doing it literally forever. I don’t understand how they haven’t picked up on it. Well, the older humans seem to get it, but they just sit and do nothing here. This is Cabo, bitch. Loosen up! Let’s go clubbing, make a series of life-threatening decisions, and have the best night of our lives! I mean, everyone could use a change of locale, especially when the sky gets that heartwarming shade of “holy butts it is so cold I want to kill myself” gray and “I didn’t know I could get this pale” white. I love fall, albeit mostly for the pumpkin spice everything, but when it starts getting too cold people get real cranky. I think everyone would be a lot more cheery during the winter if they just said adiós and did their own little migration to the south. Ohhh, are people doing tequila shots? Gimme one, girl! I’m going to be too sloshy to fly back home and I think I am okay with that! Viva Cabo, you stupid bitches!
Ways to Woo a Potential Mate at UCSD 10. Get into UC Berkeley 9. Demonstrate your ability to find on-campus parking 8. Walk up Peterson Hill to showcase your athleticism 7. Sacrifice yourself to the peddlers on Library Walk to get them to class on time 6. Know about the general concepts of freeweight lifting 5. “Is that the Silent Tree in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?” 4. Look cool holding one alcohol 3. Tell them you’ll click in for them 2. Speak to them without visibly shaking 1. Go outside
Things You Can Say About Newspapers but Not About Your Relatives 10. Clinging desperately to life, despite having no reason to exist 9. Political biases aren’t that apparent 8. You can get rid of them whenever you want 7. Have actually done something for a homeless person 6. They don’t know they’re dying 5. Don’t post uncomfortably racist Facebook statuses 4. Come into your dorm room and don’t fucking judge you about it 3. Understand anything that’s happened in the last 10 years 2. Give you useful life advice 1. Still a viable part of American society
We pulled a muscle overreaching. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
December 4, 2013
Zero Deaths Recorded on Black Friday for First Time in History
PHOTO BY DAVID LEE
Death failed to collect any souls, but did manage to acquire a 50 inch TV for 60% off. BY BARAK TZORI
special report claimed that zero deaths ocurred on Black Friday, a first for the holiday since its inception in 1939. The report, released Monday, also cited no injuries. The report then went on to say that an astonishing zero Walmart greeters were trampled, a startling zero children were left abandoned in stores, and no shoppers were beaten senselessly with extremely discounted waffle irons. Experts from retail departments were baffled by the report. Terrence Scully, President of Retail Services at Target, expressed his confusion in a brief interview. “I just don’t understand, we did everything right,” complained Scully. “We opened our doors at 4:30 a.m. and we lowered the prices of all the sharp items in our store. It was supposed to be a battleground of deals.”
Scully went on to say that the Corporate Management team had projected 4 deaths, or at least a dozen critical injuries, an estimate that used to be considered conservative. “Local branch managers have some serious explaining to do; these were firm and strict quotas,” Terry concluded. While it may take months for socio-economists to parse this alarming data and give concrete reasons as to why Americans behaved so civilly on this day of traditional chaos and rampage, a few cases might give some insight into an answer. Sue Allen, a stay-at-home mother of three, has quite an impressive record when it comes to Black Friday. In 2009 she reportedly sprinted across multiple floors of a Macy’s with her eight-monthold daughter in one hand and $6.28 linens in the other in record time. In 2012 she lightly coated a number of other
shoppers with pepper spray in pursuit of a clearance priced copy of Call of Duty for her 12 year old son, but things were different this year. “I took some time to reevaluate my home life this year. I decided to do a spa day with my eldest daughter to catch up on her busy life,” Allen explained. “I’m organizing a trip to the Grand Canyon for Roy so he can see a bit more of the world outside his monitor. And instead of buying my toddler the newest Dora DVD, I’m taking her to Build-a-Bear for once. I’ve decided to buy experiences rather than objects this year.” Joshua Riner, recently divorced and self-diagnosed as having been a decade-long victim of a midlife crisis, had a similar revelation. Last Black Friday, Joshua waited in line for three hours and then battled his way into a Home Depot to purchase a 50-horsepower lawnmower and a 20-pound bag of manure that only cost him 32 dollars and
his three least favorite fingers. “I live on the fourth floor of an apartment complex,” Joshua said. “This year, instead of impulsively buying things like I usually do, I asked myself, ‘Do I really need another his-and-her matching towel set for $1.98?’” Scully seemed distressed to hear these stories. He warned that bloodless Black Fridays and cases like these will lead down a steep and dark road, one that might end in civility and sensible shopping practices. “American shoppers need to pick up their mace cans, put on their pointiest heeled shoes, and realize the role they must play in the crushing dark maw that is capitalism,” Scully stated. “I implore everyone to remember that shopping and your money are directly relatable to happiness and that nothing can match the look on your kid’s face as he opens that Lego set you punched three other shoppers for.”
The Good ^Book
Santa’s Not Real!? BY JEBEDIAH SCHMITKE
Physics Major can’t believe Santa Claus is fake. Seriously, he is my idol! During the holiday season, I eat, breathe, sleep, fantasize about, and eat Kris Kringle, and during the off-season, I spend most of my time coming up with my list for the upcoming Christmas, and repenting my sins so that I may never be on the naughty list and be given … the C-word. That’s right. Copper. Anyway. You may be asking yourself, “Why is he telling us this? He’s ruining it for everyone else here!” But I am publishing my findings because they are too important and the repercussions too unimaginable for me not to. The second question you are probably asking yourself is, “How can one man unearth such an ethereal and unsolvable secret?” Well, here goes nothing. One day, while furiously taking notes in General Physics, it hit me. Let’s say there are 1.5 billion houses that Santa Claus must visit in one night. Theoretically, he would have 12 hours, but taking into account global time zones, lets give him a generous 20 hours. That comes out to 75 million houses per hour. Divide by 60, that’s 1,250,000 houses per minute, and divide 60 again, that’s 20,833.33 houses per second. We started with two sig figs, though, so that rounds to 21,000 houses per second.
Assuming that each house is 0.25 miles apart on average, that would mean that Santa would have to be traveling at a speed of 5208.33 miles per hour, or 5200 rounded. Now, a DeLorean cannot even go that fast, so it is impossible that one man could go to every house in one night. And I triple checked these calculations, so you can trust me. After I finished this difficult series of calculations, I — understandably, I think — started crying a little. My professor asked if I needed to leave the room, but I told him I would be fine. After that, though, I realized that reindeers anatomically don’t have wings or stabilizers, and that the north pole would be too hostile to sustain life anyways. Again, I’m so sorry that I had to break this news so suddenly. But, on a high note, I can confidently say that the Easter Bunny is real, and that leprechauns take your teeth in exchange for money.
We Don’t Know Why You Believed in the First Place BY MRS. LISA SCHMITKE
Sorry about My Son
i, Lisa here. Lisa Schmitke. How can I say this … I’m really, truly sorry for my son’s publication. Jebediah, I ask you directly, how did you ever, for one split second, believe that Santa Claus was real? When I found out, as a kid, that parents were responsible for playing Santa, I thought it was total bull. So when Jebediah came into my life, I promised myself I wouldn’t let him buy into that crap. I thought I had made it very clear that Santa wasn’t real through my actions. On Christmas, his gifts from “Santa” would literally say “From: Santa. Just kidding, everybody knows that’s total crap. Hahaha. Love, Mom.” I also got him sweaters that I knitted every year. Literally, the phrase “Mommy Loves You” was embroidered onto every tag. How that got by him is beyond me. Sure, Jebediah tried to participate in the same Christmas traditions his friends did. He would leave cookies and milk out for Santa, and carrots out for the reindeers. I would just leave it untouched, and sometimes, just to mess with him, I’d eat a bite of one of the cookies, and then I’d leave a note that said, “Don’t even try. These cookies are
just going to go stale. You really think a dude is going to fly down the chimney and eat them and then leave? No, that is super unrealistic and fake. Actually, I, your mother, made these cookies! They’re not very good. Next time, I’d put more butter and less baking soda. Love, Mom.” In any case, my strategy clearly didn’t work. Maybe it’s the kind of thing where you’re so brutally honest that people make up lies to protect themselves from the reality that there is no Santa, it’s always just your mom and it’s always just a sweater that she made and you can try to believe in something bigger, and maybe doing that gets you through the disappointment. Though when you’re 56, and your 18-year-old son has just found out it’s been you all along, it’s debatable whether believing or not believing is more depressing.
ADAM’S SPARE RIBS • WATER ON THE ROCKS •TONGUES OF FIRE HABANERO POPPERS • PILLAR OF SALT-RUBBED STEAK • I MEAN, MATZAH, I GUESS Your physics professor probably looked at porn today.
“Never before have I approved of such decadence and overindulgence.” - JESUS
“A little derivative of ‘Quran Quisine.’” - THE NEW YORK TIMES
“I thought it was a good read, lots of helpful recipes — oh God — AARRRGHHH!” - A GUY IN SODOM
Come shudder with us.
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome
December 4, 2013
UC Application Numbers Drop Students to Head Straight to Unemployment
Administration, University Victimized by Insensitive and Cruel Workers’ Strike
PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD
“Hey, hey, ho, ho, all mean chanting’s got to go,” Napolitano sobbed. BY JACK BEEGAN PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD
“Rolling this joint with my degree might seem ridiculous,” said one student. “But why commit to the formulaic and quite apparently broken educational system of this country when one could take a more self-directed approach to one’s education?” BY RILEY D. MALLORY
new report from the University of California Office of Admissions detailing lowered application numbers for the class of 2018 cites a growing group of high school seniors who are choosing to forgo college entirely, in favor of the unemployment they would have faced after graduation anyway. Researcher Ann Stansky, who authored the report, describes it as “newfound clarity” in high school students’ understanding of the value of a liberal arts degree in today’s job market. The Office of Admissions, which, according to the report, is not staffed by a single emotionless bureaucrat operating a random number generator, warns in the report that the downward trend could have dire consequences for the UC system. “If the drop in applicants worsens, the UC system will
become increasingly unsustainable,” Stansky said. “Certainly, it will be unable to continue offering the same number of services currently ignored by the student body.” The report indicates that the drop in applications was strongest among what Phillip Fusan, head of admissions for UC Berkeley, calls “drinking majors.” “Drinking majors” are the group of applicants for whom, most likely, college served as a way of postponing actually living in the real world another four years. The lower number of applications is thought to be a result of recent studies published by economic analysts, which show that a college degree is roughly as useful to young people’s employment prospects as the three years of high school Spanish they can no longer recall or the resume-writing seminar they napped through. “These kids are realizing they don’t need to pay tuition to get plastered every night,”
Grant Lane, head of the Tri Phi fraternity at UC Irvine, said. “How are we even supposed to compete with that? Our walls are plastered almost entirely with posters of naked chicks making out, but we still have frat dues, midterms, and that weird carpet smell we can’t get rid of. We’re just not the best option anymore.” Lane, like many fraternity presidents, fears this drop in applications may mean a steep decline in Greek life participation. “Their eyes used to look so inviting,” Grant explained, looking up at the faded posters on the wall. “Now, knowing what’s coming, they look like they’re mourning those glory days of blackout drinking and Caligulan depravity gone by.” “I mean, what are my choices?” Alexandra Rosen, recent Rockdale High School graduate, said. “I can get a job working at Safeway, or I can go to a four-year, accrue a sixfigure debt getting a degree in
sociology, and then get a job working at Safeway.” Rosen reports that she will just get her older brother to buy her liquor in place of participating in a sorority, club, or co-ed fraternity. “A lot of these kids getting these professional degrees won’t even be able to find themselves a career in their field, anyway,” Kristina Richards, Vice Chancellor of the Office of Planning and Analysis, said. “Look around at the average college campus today, and count how many of these kids think they’ll be doctors. The demand just isn’t high enough for them all. Seriously, it would be, like, way too many doctors.” However, the report does mention one positive consequence of the decline: The drop in applicants means that next year’s freshman housing will return to “non-Industrial Revolution” conditions, and recent dorm-hall outbreaks of cholera and the Spanish flu may be stemmed.
Freshman Still Waiting for Dishes to Get Picked Up
he Nov. 20 strike by the AFSCME 3229 Union of University Employees, the Student-Workers Union UAW Local 2865, and the UC’s Skilled Crafts Unit shook the University of California, San Diego, campus, leaving the administration and rest of the university reeling. The two protesting groups, as well as solidarity protestors, made their opinions known, brandishing banners and signs and creating what Ethel Stanley, one of those seemingly out of place elderly people walking around campus, referred to as “quite the ruckus.” Protesting conditions including alleged understaffing and a lack both of lay-off protection and paid time off, the demonstrators appear to have not only left the University of California, San Diego, a hollow shell of what it once was not a day prior, but also deeply offended both the administration and the school’s greater social body. “It was really catastrophic,” said one anonymous university administrator, while rifling through a Spanish-English Dictionary. “Since the protest, I’ve trying to figure out what the hell ‘Si se puede’ means and it’s really taking its toll.” Of course, the angry mob wasn’t even getting started. Despite the presence of both graduate and undergraduate demonstrators, the movement gave no quarter to bystanders simply on their way to class.
“There were loud people with signs,” recounted third year linguistics major Amber Shi. “And they weren’t yelling about Jesus or me going to hell — kind of weird if you ask me.” But the savage pack of university-employed anarchists didn’t just stop there. They even criticized our country’s most sacred institution, law enforcement, with chants such as “hey, hey, ho, ho, union-busting’s got to go,” a move many police officers found offensive. “These people really need to realize their words hurt,” said Sergeant Frank Dixon of the U.C.P.D. “I mean, you can’t just going around saying things and expecting people not to process their words. It’s irresponsible if you ask me. “Because really, there’s nothing I like more than beating up strikers, protestors, demonstrators, you name it,” he added. “It’s in my blood.” Surprising no one, the demonstrators saved their harshest words for Chancellor Pradeep Khosla, with one protestor casually observing “[Chancellor] Khosla simply doesn’t care about us.” The accusation deeply affected Khosla, who excused himself after appearing visibly distressed, unable to express his grief in anything but metaphor. “How would you react if you had a really expensive ant farm but the ants wouldn’t do shit for you? Pretty pissed off huh? That’s me right now,” he said later at a press conference, his voice cracking. “A man being swarmed by ants who used to love you.”
Ways to Relieve Stress before Finals
PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD
“We have enough plates to make the Great Wall of China,” one particularly clever student remarked before she slipped off the pile of plates she was sitting on, causing the precariously stacked dishware to fall onto her. BY GARRETT CHAN
CSD freshman Tyler Smitts is reportedly still waiting for his dining hall plates and utensils to be collected from outside his dorm room. Smitts, an eighteenyear-old who is completely capable of cleaning them himself, began placing plates, bowls, forks, knives, and spoons in his suite’s common area Friday of week zero. “I put them outside ‘cause it was convenient,” Smitts said. “I didn’t want to yuck up my room with old pizza crusts, so I thought it’d be better to put them out in the suite lounge.” Smitts is a mathematics major who is perfectly proficient at doing derivatives and integrating by parts, and yet does not realize, or perhaps chooses to ignore, the fact that
no one is going to clean up after him. His infringements on basic cleanliness and consideration for his suitemates have not been limited to pizza crusts. Greek salads, slices of “predictably unidentifiable bread or pork loin,” and halffinished bowls of minestrone have all been left out in an impromptu buffet of gross negligence. Smitts claims he usually has an alibi for being “a little messy, now and then.” He often leaves breakfast dishes out, saying that he “can’t miss a minute of linear algebra” and will stack dinner plates on the coffee table, because he needs to stay up-to-date with the NHL.com commentary livestream. His long-suffering roommate, Gary Lin, commented on what sources are calling a “slothful idiot.”
“I don’t know what his problem is,” Lin stated, clearly disgusted by the fruit flies hovering over last Tuesday’s hummus wrap from Pines. “I’ve told him before that maintenance doesn’t clear your dishes for you.” Lin, crossing his arms and frowning, added, “Then he asked me to bus them for him. This also happened the time he spent all of Friday playing ‘Ace Attorney’ in his boxers.” “He’s a decent boy,” longsuffering UCSD maintenance worker Rosa Vo said. “But he’s absolutely clueless when it comes to cleaning up. His naïveté rivals his slobbishness. “I’ve seen a dumpster behind a T.G.I. Fridays look cleaner than that,” Vo — who evidently has more patience than Smitts’ dorm has soiled napkins — added. However, a suitemate of
Smitts’, Cary Huang, was less concerned about his incredibly lazy friend’s behavior. “I get it, you know? Everyone has their flaws,” Huang said. “I sometimes masturbate quietly when my roommate Jim is still in the room. I mean, that’s just as bad as leaving your dishes everywhere, isn’t it?” Fifteen minutes after shutting the door to his room, Huang reappeared and stated, “No, wait, I’ve thought about it some more. Tyler’s a dick. Right, Jim?” At press time, Smitts was still sitting on his bed, examining the zipper on his fly and humming Rihanna’s “S&M.” He did not appear to intend to do any cleaning, and sources estimate that he will probably continue to be as oblivious and inexplicably lazy as he has been for the past nine weeks.
10. Remind yourself that “C’s get degrees” 9. Meditate furiously 8. Go for a nice evening walk to the cliffs and just keep walking 7. Pet a dog. Preferably living 6. Tickle yourself into euphoria 5. Have a glass of bourbon and sing “Hakuna Matata” 4. Daydream about how great your life would be if you had chosen a major that you actually enjoyed 3. Hold your breath until you begin to pass out and forget your problems 2. Feed freshmen on the quad to relax 1. Accept the inevitable fate of being a B student and ending up in a dead-end, middle management job
Do you like our funny? Do you think we’re joke? Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge
December 4, 2013
The Non-Science Major
Labs are a hotbed of science, and science is a minefield o drink (not that that’s stopping you). For those of us who unemployed), these spaces raise more questions than answ in my arm go away? Does this look infected to you? Luc “made”) this handy guide telling you what you can and ca Would you PLEASE stop touching everything?
People of the Lab
(1) Not the Professor. Never the Professor. (4 He had a class conflict. (2) Bill Nye the Science Guy Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Sucks that he lost on (5 “Dancing with the Stars.”
December 4, 2013
r’s Guide to the Lab
of brightly colored liquids you’re not supposed to o are more non-science inclined (read: more likely wers. What explodes? Will this burning sensation cky for you, we’ve cooked up (science phrase for an’t pick up in a lab. Not that. Definitely not that.
3) Aspiring Amateur Firefighter The school couldn’t spring for fire extinguishers. 4) The Girl Who’s Been Up Way Too Long to Be Handling Chemicals Someone stayed up all night finishing the lab report. 5) The Kid Who Got a W Last Quarter He is overprepared to fail.
December 4, 2013
TBS Introduces 24/7 Showings of “A Christmas Story”
Student in Writing Seminar Circlejerk Hopes Finals Means He Can Finish
PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
Despite some controversy, students report grasping the material with much more force, tenderness than ever before. BY LAWRENCE LEE
W “We can get away with it. No one watches us anyway,” a TBS executive said. BY WALTER THAVARAJAH
n response to its yearly decline in viewership, TBS has announced that its annual 24 hour marathon of “A Christmas Story” will continue through the entirety of 2014 or “until someone actually gets excited about Tyler Perry sitcoms.” “I just don’t understand how we’ve lost so many of our loyal viewers,” said CEO Paul Kent. “Everyone loves our hit original shows, and the fact that they get cancelled after a single season just means that we can make more of them to love.” “Besides,” he continued, “where else are people going to watch hours of Seinfeld reruns?”
After a thorough market analysis, TBS has announced a new programming block consisting entirely of repeated airings of “A Christmas Story” in hopes that the beloved holiday tradition will maintain its popularity through the coming year. “Even considering the few people who don’t want to watch timeless holiday classics on loop, the projections from our Christmas Eve viewership predict a strong following up until at least next summer, most likely continuing into October or November,” explained Kent. “People just love nostalgia, you know?” Some of the channel’s regular viewers, however, seem less than pleased by the prospect, claiming that TBS has
Letters To Santa:
turned its back on its target demographics. Commonly fielded criticisms include concerns that the changed broadcast schedule will cause classic ‘90s sitcoms such as “Mad About You” and “Party of Five” to fade from cultural memory, along with complaints that the new programming is “a really weird thing to watch when you’re drunk on a Tuesday afternoon.” “Listen, what I do with my free time is my business,” said self-proclaimed TBS fan Jacob Flores. “If I want to lie on my couch and watch a marathon of ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ while reevaluating my life choices, then so be it.” Despite this, reception to the change has not been entirely negative. Others have
PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
praised TBS’s new programming strategy, supporting the return to “wholesome, meaningful television” and noting that “it’s still probably better than watching MTV.” Test audiences seem to agree, with overwhelmingly positive responses from TBS’s key demographics of unemployed twentysomethings and people who tuned into the channel for the background noise. “It’s definitely an interesting strategy, but they’ve got some fundamentally solid programming lined up,” noted television critic Casey Palmer. “At the end of the day, TBS chose to go with quality over quantity, and that’s definitely a good direction for the network to be taking.”
arren Writing student Nathaniel Wong has reportedly entered the tenth and final week of his writing class’s required circlejerk program. Wong has been a member of the circle-jerk, a pilot program introduced by his TA, since he began classes at UCSD in week one of fall quarter. Wong reported that his TA instructed the students in his discussion section to form a cohesive ring, worth 20 percent of the final grade. All of the students — including Wong — were required to enter the circle-jerk immediately upon its inception. “They just had me get all up in their business so quickly,” Wong said. The almost 10 weeks of nonstop circle-jerking have introduced Wong to the unexpected difficulties of being enrolled in a very “hands-on” class. Wong also complained about what he felt was an atmosphere that mandated group activity over individual action, regardless of the situation at hand. “I’m all for collective effort, but this is the kind of thing I’ve always done on my own,” Wong said. Wong also raised concerns over the ethical justification behind assigning a grade value to participating in the mandated circle-jerk sessions. He reported that he attempted to confront the issue head-on by going to office hours to get some face time with a TA, but found little success. Warren Writing professor Aaron Crichton defended the
program’s integrity and practical applicability for students. “The TAs are my right hand in these matters, and they’ve never before received negative feedback from students — in this class, no one has ever had an unhappy ending before,” Crichton said. “Circle-jerking teaches group work skills and drives home for students how rewarding hard work can be.” Other students are reportedly unaware of Wong’s disappointment in the circle-jerk teaching method and feel that the circle-jerk is a benefit to them. “It’s super fun, and I love how it totally gets me up in the mornings,” one anonymous student said. Warren Writing’s academic advisors are unsure if the circle-jerk class style will continue on to future courses in the series, but cited huge student involvement and obvious interest in circle-jerking as strong signs that the program would continue. “It’s clear that kids are interested in what goes into the circle-jerk,” Crichton said. “The messiness and unorthodox nature of the course might throw people off, but the end result keeps them motivated.” If the program continues, Wong may have to participate in a follow-up circle-jerk next quarter, and if he does well enough there, he may move on to upper-division circle-jerks. “For now, all I can hope for is to do well this quarter and eventually finish,” Wong said. “And maybe winter break will give me a chance to regain some energy. After all, I really miss late nights alone in my room, with only the flickering computer monitor and soft keyboard noises to accompany me.”
Ways to Tell If Your Item Has Been Re-Gifted 10. You literally saw them pull it out of the trash 20 minutes ago 9. Your best friend’s name is engraved on it 8. Your friend keeps insisting that it’s the thought that matters 7. This puppy is eight years old 6. Doesn’t have that department store smell anymore 5. That mysterious $60 charge on your debit card is starting to make sense 4. This bottle of whiskey is half full 3. Your parents would never spend this much money on you 2. The Sell By date was two years ago 1. You remember buying it
THE MQ Right before Anthropology Club. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
December 4, 2013
Scientists Discover Christmas Has Origin in Religion
When You Think About It, Christmas Is Pretty Weird
Y PHOTO BY GRACE KIM
“I just hate how religious groups keep trying to force their beliefs into our capitalist, corporate holidays,” said the archaeologist. BY KATHERINE WOOD AND HILLARY CHAN
CSD anthropologists have discovered that the origins of the popular winter holiday Christmas can be traced back to the birth of Jesus Christ, giving the already popular holiday a new religious importance. According to the 777page report published in the upcoming issue of “Anthropological Studies of Christmas Past,” the winter festival began roughly in the fourth century, when early Christians held feasts in honor of the birth of Christ, shattering theories that the holiday started in 1888 when Sears first released their revolutionary mail order catalog. “Christmas trees have long been a holiday symbol of well-scented environments and tasteful, indoor Las Vegas-esque light shows, but year after year we put a woman on the tree without question,” UCSD anthropologist Patrick Wu, who spearheaded the study, explained. “Well, last year, I finally asked
myself, ‘What is that mysterious winged woman doing on the top of the tree?’” Wu and his team devoted their summer to gathering research, travelling across the country to watch off-season nativity plays and scavenging through flea markets for discarded Christmas family photo albums. What they found was a goldmine of evidence tying the holiday to the religion. “While the positive spirit of the season remains the same, we discovered an ethical depth behind the holiday that we didn’t anticipate,” said Wu. “The spirit of Christmas is not, as is widely believed, a glass of bourbon neat with a sprig of peppermint, but an annual visit from the spirit of baby Jesus coming back down to bless us with the wisdom of his teachings and the forethought to run weeks and weeks of holiday specials on the Food Network to prepare.” Wu was hesitant to comment on the effect his research will have on this year’s jubilee. “I’m worried I’ve singlehandedly ruined the unadulterated veneration of
all things sugary, shiny, and wrappable that the Christmas season inspires,” he added, shaking noticeably. “I thought Christmas was just a neutral holiday based in gifts and candy that everyone could take part in,” said Sara Korhonen, administrator of popular Facebook community page “Red Cups at Starbucks.” “Although, that might explain why my devoutly Jewish grandmother is so consistently disappointed with me.” The findings have already stunned consumers worldwide. Despite many shoppers being months deep in their holiday spending sprees, experts predict the newfound historical and cultural significance to the winter season will translate to a sharp decrease in holiday revenue, as Christmas memorabilia takes on a fresh, righteous twist. “It’s been terrible,” explained Lucy Kwan, shopkeeper at Lights, Camera, Advent, a holiday supply store. “This time last year, I had so many customers I could barely keep a steady supply of blow-up Christmas trees and Queen Elizabeth II commem-
orative Christmas plates. Now everyone is lining up to return things, particularly the red and white candy canes, the red of which, apparently, symbolizes the blood of Jesus in his crucifixion. “If vegetarians can no longer enjoy candy canes or wine because all of a sudden everything we love about this holiday alludes to a history of moral suffering, then what is the true meaning of Christmas?” asked Kwan. “And how can I make something out of that and sell it?” Meanwhile, for Sam Toscana, bartender for the popular Christmas Eve tavern The Chimney Sweep, the newfound religious dimension to the festivities won’t derail his annual family trip to the local portrait studio for tastefully staged Christmas cards. “Whether it’s the birthday of the world’s savior or not, I’m still going to be spending this December 25th eating turducken, getting smashed, and dancing around in my underwear,” said Toscana. “With all of my loved ones and a fresh batch of grandma’s knitted creations, of course.”
Study Finds Person Who Saves Seats Worst Person Ever
“Wow, she had swimwear on underneath all that?” asked one student. “Guess it’s just one of those days.” BY KYLE TRUJILLO
recent study by UCSD’s psychology department has indicated that sophomore communications major Debra Dwight, the girl who saves seats for her loudmouth friends in COMM 101: Introduction to Audiovisual Media Practices lecture, is literally the worst person ever. Researchers found that Ms. Dwight’s habit of filling up to three extra seats in any given crowded lecture hall with a large purse and a ridiculous pleather jacket was “way worse” than mouth breathing, murder, and rapping at karaoke. “The quantity of unadulterated loathing toward Dwight in the responses
we’ve recorded is astounding,” said sociology professor Stephanie Hall, who headed the study. According to the study, 6,000 of the roughly 7,500 UCSD students who responded to the survey described Dwight as “making me want to rip my own face off,” while the 1,500 others responded “I haven’t met her, but just hearing about her gives me what I am pretty sure are stress hernias.” The published details of the study showed that Dwight exhibited record-low levels of respect for her fellow students and record-high levels of being an utter turd, supporting the conclusion that Dwight is in fact a giant asshole. “She’s a total dick-head; everyone knows that,” junior
communication major Lindsay Tumor, junior and nontotal-dickhead said. “I had to sit next to the human gas leak, Benny, just so her air-head plebs could maintain their cluster of evil.” Results were similar among male participants in the study. “It’s only the fear of getting stabbed by one of [Dwight’s] impractical heels that stops me from shoving her right down the stairs as soon as lecture ends,” sophomore Shawn Holsolm told researchers. The study also found that passive-aggressive behavior among Dwight’s peers could have actually facilitated her in continuing to be a complete ass-munch, suggesting that she may not be the sole cause for concern.
PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS
“Though they constantly criticize her behind her back, [Dwight’s] peers decline to confront her,” Hall said. “Therefore, we cannot yet eliminate the possibility that the entire lecture hall isn’t filled with shitty people.” This new theory has already garnered attention and significant funding from the administration. “The expansion of this study to include other academic departments, and even faculty, will not be an easy task,” psychology professor Richard Larch said at a budget meeting. “We’ll have to cut back on classes until we know for sure which single person is ruining everyone’s classroom experience here at UCSD.”
ou know, have you ever stopped to think about Christmas? I mean, really think about it? It’s pretty weird when you get right down to it. I mean, look at that pile of snow in the corner. You know that’s just a big cotton ball, right? Why are we all pretending it’s snowing? What’s with all the socks on the wall? Why are you all staring at me like I’m insane? Yes, okay, fine. Let’s all ooh and ahh at the talking reindeer. Pinch yourselves. Come on, people. I know you’ve got a median age of about 5.8, but this isn’t all that hard to grasp. Now, where was I? Right, Christmas. Think about it, will you, for a second? Is nobody else bothered by the idea of a big fat man in a red suit climbing down through a hole in your roof and leaving unmarked boxes? There could be anything in those. It’s like sticking your tongue down a kid’s pockets. Sometimes you find food. Mostly you find weird lint. Ick. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely going to stick my tongue in that kid’s pocket. It smells like bologna. I’m just saying, I don’t make a holiday out of it. What if you made a holiday out of entering someone’s house through the front door? Wouldn’t that be more fun for
everyone involved? Whoa, kid, get back here. I’m not done licking those pellets off of your sweaty palm. Jesus Christ, you’re a wiggly one. Speaking of Jesus Christ, what’s up with him? I mean, I think we’ve all noticed that he’s a baby every year. Every. Single. Year. So what’s up with that? You humans must go through a lot of Jesuses. Not a great investment, if you think about it. Hundred of dollars on decorations for some baby who’s gonna live maybe until April 25th. Does that strike anyone as odd? Only me? No, don’t worry about it. I’ll still eat the pellets you drop on the floor. Now, children, here’s the important lesson. All of this consumerism, it’s all a trap. It’s corporations trying to leech money from you. They’re trying to convince you that the only way to have a good time is to… damn it, are we out of pellets already? Well, no worries. La Mesa Petting Zoo is prepared for just these sorts of emergencies! Just wander over to that table and hand that nice lady a few dollars. Wake up, children! Can’t you see that your parents are just using this idea of Santa to trick you into behaving? Doesn’t that make you — ow! Stop pulling my tail. I mean it, mister. If you don’t stop that right now I’m telling Santa you’ve been naughty this year. What’s that? No, I won’t tell Santa what you want for Christmas. That’s what I’ve been trying to say this whole time! The spirit of Christmas is about giving. Have any of you thought to ask what I want for Christmas? Yes. Exactly. Pellets. Now everybody, go ask your parents why they didn’t love you enough to give you another dollar. Don’t worry. I’ll wait.
Top Ten Plans the Administration Came Up with to Address Striking Workers’ Grievances 10. One-cent pay raises across the board 9. Hold a canned food drive so workers can help other, less fortunate workers 8. Hand out Dollar Stretchers 7. Encourage workers to count blessings 6. Year-round Bring Your Daughter to Work Day 5. “I don’t know, we could just fire them, right?” 4. Dine With An Executive Program — 10% off a meal with a UCSD executive 3. Offer to give them 50 Dining Dollars 2. Workers’ handbook in English and Spanish 1. Give them so much work they don’t have time to complain
THE MQ On the Moon by 2015.
Until then: Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome.
December 4, 2013
Remaining Dining Dollars Spent on Shitty Christmas Gifts
Nature Unveils Winter 2013, Declares it “Best Season Yet”
PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE
People were excited for the new season until they figured out that Winter is just Fall with a different-colored case. BY CORLIN PALMER
N “This slow cooker is costing me at least three breakfast burritos. They’d better appreciate it,” Carson said. BY AUDREY OLSON
ocal managers employed by the Housing, Dining, and Hospitality Administration expressed shock as the onset of the holiday season this past week brought with it reports of a record increase in sales. In particular, a drastic rise was recorded in the distribution of organic, GMO-free cooking utensils, biodegradable tupperware, and a number of other products that go virtually untouched for most of the year. Freshman Ellie Carson was able to provide first-hand a rationale for the bizarre trend. “By carefully regulating my dining dollar expenditure from the first day of week zero, I have managed to accrue a surplus of 400 dollars since last Thursday. If I can continue sustaining myself on a bowl of pasta from Café V every other
day, I just might be able to surprise all of my friends and family members with their own personal cookware sets,” Carson commented, moments before collapsing and being carted off by an EMT for low blood sugar. Elsewhere on campus, fellow UCSD students have taken alternative approaches towards creatively saving up their Christmas dollars while simultaneously combating starvation. “I spend about four hours a week creating a calendar of free food events across campus,” said sophomore Ted Cheung. “Today, for example, I’ll be hitting up this transfer student breakfast event at nine in the morning, make my way over to free pizza from Revelle’s student council at around two, and maybe ditch that around two thirty or so to get at those free pizookies at Warren SAC. Will I have to skip a class or two?
Yeah, probably, but it’s not like I have to pay for those.” “I just eat at Price Center every day,” noted his friend Evan Chu. “Haven’t wasted a single dining dollar yet.” In response to these recent developments, HDH has released a handbook recommending a variety of unique Christmas gift combinations, targeted at those “tired of showering their loved ones with crock pots and can openers.” A popular option, the HDH “Wellness Cornucopia,” conveniently markets a $90 blender as “a container for a nutritious fruit and veggie assortment of your choice, which can be found at your local college markets for an average price of two dollars per fruit.” Four dollar dental floss is recommended as a “cute and fun gift ribbon idea,” and a six dollar toothpaste and toothbrush combination is also recommended “because you’ve already bought the floss.”
PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD
“I can’t wait to try all these fun and inspired gift ideas,” Carson commented upon awakening in the ER hours later. “HDH has provided countless opportunities for me to save my parents’ hardearned money while being able to give them sincere Christmas presents they can truly utilize and enjoy. A Wellness Cornucopia should definitely make up for my family’s lack of health insurance!” In light of recent complaints towards the dining system, HDH officials have assured students that holiday cheer was invented in response to the harsh conditions of winter, and that anything can be overcome through close-knit suite bonding, Christmas decorations, and a healthy, low-calorie diet “I couldn’t agree with them more,” said third year Devin Chen, pulling out of a local Ralph’s parking lot in his grocery-laden Toyota.
ature introduced the latest installment in its line of popular seasons in a press conference Tuesday. Winter2013, rebranded as Winter, is being marketed as the most exciting season yet. According to a statement made by Nature, the new Winter redefines the outdoor experience with amazing updates and features, including new activities, enhanced security, and a sleek unibody design. Enhancements to the new season include the addition of a number of items to sports stores, such as skis, snowboards, and sleds, and adding onto the more than 800 outdoor activities available to enjoy, a number that Nature says has grown significantly in the past century. Even with this array of new activities, however, early reports suggest the updates will reduce compatibility with some existing ones such as swimming, surfing, and wakeboarding, making the enjoyment of a limited number of those activities more difficult. Security is another factor that Nature had in mind when designing the new season. Winter 2013 will include the Hibernation feature, which will render some of Nature’s most significant threats completely harmless. Hibernation will most notably affect bears, bees, and vampire bats, all well known for their ability to ruin user experience. Hibernation should give users increased confidence when exploring the world-wide and a chance to stop these threats before they become problems. In many locations the season’s design will also feature a unique, unibody coating made of white snow, which Nature
claims will reduce fingerprinting and mitigate damage to the inner layer by implementing millions of disposable water particles. But many critics don’t see this design as an improvement. “The new coating does nothing but force people to buy new accessories,” Dan Fanter, a meteorologist at Carnegie Mellon, said. “Nearly all existing products have to be modified to accommodate the new changes.” This is in reference to the decrease in external temperature as a result of the new design, which may lead to a threefold increase in needed clothing. A number of optional accessories such as gloves, scarves, and electric socks are strongly recommended for full enjoyment of the new season. Unfortunately, the exciting new features of Winter will also mean a reduction in usage time during daylight hours. Users can expect to experience up to ten hours of outdoor activities per day with optimal use and up to eight hours of indoor activities such as web surfing and watching movies. According to sociologist Jeff Tate, that’s enough to discourage users from the new season. “People are already starting to wish they had gotten more use out of their Summer,” Tate said. “Winter is being released far too early and most people simply aren’t ready for it.” Nature says the new season represents the most significant season update since Winter 2012 and will debut in the northern hemisphere on Dec. 21 with release dates in the southern areas set for the second quarter of 2014. Widespread speculation about the existence of a highly anticipated Santa program for the season has yet to be confirmed.
Things the Three Wise Men Were Thinking When They Arrived at Bethlehem 10. “I’m really looking forward to a large, important role in the New Testament” 9. “What do you mean you brought gold, John?” 8. “Oh, the travel guide says the Mosque of Umar is a must-see” 7. “Three falafel places and no burgers, what gives?” 6. “Shouldn’t I have gotten frankincense in gender neutral color?” 5. “So who’s the dad?” 4. “HOW IS BABBY FORMED” 3. “After one more of these, I’ll only need a few more frequent camel miles to get a reward” 2. “This place is really barnyard chic” 1. “This had better be one fucking cute baby”
December 4, 2013
Postmodern Christmas Lights Showcase Mortality, Dystopia
UCSD Student Becomes Millionaire After Writing Down Idea He Had While High
PHOTO BY GRACE KIM
“You know, I heard that Thomas Edison got high hundreds of times in a Taco Bell until he invented the light bulb,” Quartz said. PHOTO BY HOWARD WANG
“What does it say?” one passerby asked. “It says we’re merely insects crawling around this Kafkaesque desert of existence. Also, Merry Christmas,” the homeowner answered. BY COLE STEFFENSEN
he Saunders family of 874 Grove St. was named winner of the Orange, California, neighborhood Rocking Horse Ridge Annual Christmas Light decoration contest. The theme of this year’s competition was “Up and Out — Looking Towards The Future at Christmastime.” The Saunders family, up-andcomers who moved in midway through 2012, won by a narrow 0.2 percent margin. “It’s an honor to even have been nominated,” Michael Saunders, father of three and part-time novelist, said. “But I would have never thought they would choose our display. We’re all pretty ecstatic.” The display, featuring a range of effects and lights show, took on a different interpretation than most other homes. Jumping off of the theme of “The Future,” the
Saunders family all pitched in to paint a “bleak, dystopian hell hole that is our inevitable fate.” “I think what really won over the judges was their dedication and showmanship,” said Kathy Richards, the winning family’s next-door neighbors. “Their little girl — Jessica — for the first two days she stayed outside, dragging a bloody hatchet and a single flickering light bulb all across their driveway until the early morning. That’s dedication and creativity.” Over the course of the judging week, the Saunders’ house slowly devolved into a nightmarish and festive display of the hubris of man, the inevitability of our demise, and an inflatable snow globe with artificial snow and a dancing Santa Claus inside. On the final night of their Christmas Spectacular, all decorations used from the previous nights were burnt
on the lawn, and the words “WHY FATHER WHY” were painted on the house with the blood of 12 virgin pigs. The decision, however, did not come easily or without controversy. Some neighbors criticized the decorations’ lack of classic Christmas color schemes, while others described it as a “disappointingly one-dimensional and derivative critique on the inevitability of man’s downfall, lacking any true ambition or substantive commentary.” “What we’re seeing here is a tragically sophomoric outlook on postmodern abstractionism, and also the lights were kind of tacky. Red and green? Oh, how original.” commented local art critic and neighbor Gary Greenburg. The Herschel family, runners-up in this year’s competition, played on the theme with a whimsical, futurethemed Santa’s workshop, complete with alien elves
making toys and a flying saucer-shaped sleigh. The family worked upwards of 40 hours total on the display, with husband Ted staying up late in the family’s garage, molding and sculpting over 300 square feet of chicken wire and hand-placing 2,000 individual light bulbs. “I think we might’ve taken the theme too literally,” Jan Herschel, accountant at the local Wells Fargo and mother of the Herschel family, said. “That Saunders family really thought out of the box this year. We’re going to have to step up our game — I hear next year’s prize is going to be a spa basket, a set of hand towels, and a Lazy Dog Café gift card!” “What will I do with the prize? Well, with a $50 gift card, I think we all have a trip to Chili’s in our near future,” Saunders smirked. “That is, after the girls finally get all the blood out of their hair.”
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE BRIEF MESSAGES FRESHMAN FORGETS ABOUT FINALS, LEAVES EARLY Freshman Larry Holst has packed most of his belongings and headed home for the holidays, unaware that by doing so, he would miss the entirety of finals week after Thanksgiving break. “I can’t believe the quarter is already over,” said Holst, without even a thought that he might have something left to do this quarter. “They weren’t kidding — the weeks really fly by. “It seems like just yesterday I walked into my first college lecture, and now, suddenly, I’m done with all of my classes and obligations,” he added wistfully. Ben Lian, Holst’s roommate, reported that he “just didn’t have the heart, or the emotional investment” to inform Holst of his error. “I — he was so happy he was going home,” Lian said. “I just couldn’t break the news to him.” Vikas Kumar, his other roommate, was unavailable for comment, as he was busy converting Holst’s desk into a condensed, semi-digital biology library. Although Holst was later informed via email and Facebook, he has not responded and his Facebook account appears to have been deleted. His return was characterized as “unlikely” by his PSYC 10 TA, who knew him best as “that kid who just sat around playing Pokemon in class.” When reached for comment on the prospects of his future at UCSD, Holst reportedly let out a prolonged, choked sob before hanging up the phone.
JFK STILL DEAD Ending recent speculation of a possible return to life, the Secretary of the United States Army confirmed that President John Fitzgerald Kennedy is still deceased and has not at any point moved from his place of interment at Arlington National Cemetery. “Yup, he’s still there,” Patrick K. Halinan, Executive Director of Army National Military Cemeteries, said, sighing. “And, you know, he still isn’t breathing. “Just thought I’d clear that up,” he added. Independent sources have been unable to confirm the claim, as all attempts to dig up the president were swiftly broken up by United States Army personnel. “Those assholes still might be lying to us,” conspiracy theorist Elwin Schwartz said. “I’m pretty sure I heard my shovel echo off of an empty casket.” The news of the president’s continued death comes as a surprise to many who were still unsure as to his fate. “Oh shit, no way!” said Leslie Dale, Cheshire, Connecticut resident and selfproclaimed “skeptic.” “I thought, you know, he might be hanging out with Tupac and Elvis down at the 7/11 or whatever.” The announcement comes on the heels of a media frenzy surrounding the 50th anniversary of the president’s assassination, which was allegedly carried out by “mad man” Lee Harvey Oswald, who “experts” believe “shot” the former president twice “in the head” with a “gun” and “killing” him almost “instantly.”
TEENAGER REGRETS SITTING AT ADULTS’ TABLE Sixth grader Kelsey Man was invited to sit with the adult relatives of her extended family this past Thanksgiving, marking one of many progressively awkward milestones in her transition from childhood to adolescence. She reported that sitting at the table made her feel “more uncomfortable than normal,” a somewhat surprising announcement given that she is in middle school and not that popular. Man, who had traditionally sat at the impromptu dining table set up in her Aunt Florence’s dining room, reserved for younger family members, was at first very happy to be part of “the mature group, where everybody doesn’t stick green beans in their nostrils and say ‘Look, I’m a walrus!’” She soon found the adults’ table “disappointing and weird.” Man was reportedly seated between her Aunt Callie and Manolo, her aunt’s physical therapist, who kept kicking Man under the table and blushing. “I had heard stories about how adults are when they break out the Franzia,” Man said. “But after sitting between Aunt Callie and her physical therapist, I’ve learned that people sometimes mix things with their wine, like scotch or prescription drugs.” At press time, Man was looking longingly back at the kids’ table, where her siblings and cousins were drinking straight gravy and rubbing pats of butter on each other’s faces.
TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD TO OPEN “MORE THAN ENOUGH TO EAT” BUFFET Amid turmoil and controversy surrounding his mayorship, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford recently took part in the groundbreaking for what will be his family-friendly, allyou-can-eat buffet in suburban Toronto. This restaurant will focus on all of the positive aspects of Ford’s term, including hiring a staff of his favorite professional women, encouraging his driving patrons to drink as much as possible before leaving the restaurant, and finishing meals as quickly as they can after hits of “special powder.” Potential patrons have already been clamoring to be the first allowed into the highly publicized buffet. To stoke fervor in the establishment, management has begun sampling special herbs rumored to increase customers’ appetites. Sources report that Ford will be providing the “healing plants” from his personal supply, allegedly to rid himself of it before authorities can elucidate and spoil the secrecy of its composition. “Ultimately, we’re not interested in being a static business. We simply want to score,” Restaurant Manager Rob Milner said, hinting at the buffet’s aggressive business model. Milner also announced that “More Than Enough to Eat” would begin home deliveries in the upcoming months, with dropoff points in various dark alleys throughout the city.
BY NATALIE MCLAIN
hird year UCSD student Norville Quartz accrued an estimated net worth of over $6 million after an idea he wrote down on a Taco Bell napkin while high became the impetus for an extremely successful economic venture, a mobile application called Reefer Reference, and known during developing stages as “Weed Snack Idea Phone Cool App Norville.” Reefer Reference works by suggesting to the user various food combinations based on the individual’s mood and what kind of “high” they are. The so-called “faded scale” used for reference includes levels ranging from “swimming” to “gone” to “cross-faded,” to the highest level, which Quartz has labeled “QUANTUM FADED!” The app also features a recipe guide to offer users a diverse array of cuisine pairing suggestions, from chili-covered Cheetos to a marshmallow burrito. While the app has proven popular among UCSD undergraduates it has made bigger waves in the alumni community: UCSD Alumni Accomplishment Board president Jafar Kazmi has already tasked a committee to create a banner for Library Walk to celebrate Quartz’s accomplishment. The banner features UCSD colors, navy blue and California gold, along with a picture of Quartz, and is captioned “Norville Quartz: Founder of Reefer Reference, Class of ’15, or ’16, If He Decides to Do a Physics Minor.” It will be hung next to the “Chris White: Beer Chemist
‘93, ‘96” banner across from Round Table Pizza. “It’s just kind of wigging me out,” Quartz said of the banner. “That photo of me … that’s bigger than my real face is.” The banner has been made a priority for UCSD as a means to promote an ever-more-existent alumni community. “We know that Norville technically hasn’t graduated yet, but we have every intention of making sure that he does,” Kazmi said. “We can’t leave the banner up, you see, if Quartz doesn’t achieve alumni status, so his graduation is one of our prime concerns here at UCSD.” Quartz has donated $1 million of the $6 million he earned back to UCSD in the form of a “Fun’d,” short for “Fun Fund,” which he specified was to be used for projects like replacing lecture hall desks with bean bags and establishing a “munchies-themed” dining hall on campus. However, the “Fun’d” was scrapped after UCSD officials were unable to discern the meeting of “fun.” UCSD Vice Chancellor of Expenditures Kary Levve reported that the money from the “Fun’d” would be used to form and pay for a committee whose job it would be to figure out other ways to use the money. Upon learning of UCSD’s plans to spend the money, Quartz allegedly donated his remaining $5 million to UC Santa Cruz. “At least that school will know how to spend it right,” Quartz said. At press time, UC Santa Cruz reported that it would spend Quartz’s donation on “happiness and Doritos.”
Similarities between Thanksgiving Leftovers and Your Genitals 10. Been sitting in the fridge for a week 9. Covered in plastic 8. Both light and dark meat 7. Everyone’s reluctant to put it in their mouths 6. Leaves a weird aftertaste 5. Never quite the same after the first night 4. Offered to everyone that comes to your house 3. Mostly Tofurky 2. The reason you have a hair in your mouth right now 1. Tired of your mom bringing it up
Not the most dangerous game, but one time we got a pretty gnarly paper cut. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
December 4, 2013
SPRUCE UP YOUR HOME! Pre-Tangled set of lights These pre-tangled Christmas lights come with all the frustration and none of the beauty! Guaranteed unfixable or your money back!
non-denominational christmas tree ornament set For the discerning, politically correct intellectual. Includes three amazing ornaments: an eight-pronged candelabra, a jack-o-lantern, and a small snowglobe containing a portrait of Michael Buble.
$39.99 for set of 3 $29.99 for a ball containing $49.99 for limited-time 80 tangled lights lead-based edition
adolescentrepelling lawn reindeer Keep those pesky youths from your front yard by pre-arranging your lawn reindeer for them.
$19.99 for Doggy Style $29.99 for 69 $59.99 for DPing
vintage tree Leaves no mess, needs no watering!
HOt GIFT ITEMS! Extremely Cursed Dreidel Play the classic Hanukkah game, dreidel, with one uncovered from the famous pyramid in ancient Tel Aviv. Ignore the clammy feeling in your heart and have a blast!
Macklemore Presents “The Kwanzaa Album” Today’ s hottest artist does it again with a catchy, cultural-appropriation themed collection of hip hop hits!
DVD of “The Birth of Christ” Like that one you watched in seventh grade, but with way more blood.
Reenact the Cruxifiction Put the Christ back in Christmas with Milton Bradley’ s most popular party game!
We Have the Largest SELECTION OF SNOWGLOBES IN WESTERN SAN DIEGO COUNTY! an actual snowglobe Now with real snow! Must refrigerate.
academy award-winning director james cameron titanic snowglobe Shake it to relive the harrowing last moments of The Unsinkable Vessel, with the Celine Dion song playing in the background, too!
Russian nesting Snowglobe Ooh! Lo ok at how cute the tiny one is! Wait, don’ t open it; it’ll get really messy.
yellow snowglobe Those pesky teens couldn’ t rearrange your reindeer so they did this instead. God, you really need a lawn security system.
Global Warming Snowglobe Just because it’s Christmas doesn’ t mean you can’ t keep it real.
*Snowglobes $21.99 Each