The MQ Volume 20 Issue 5

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

March 12, 2014

“Believe in your flyness ...

Conquer your shyness.”

— Amelia Earhart

Volume XX Issue V

Featured in the 1977 animated classic “Winnie the Pooh” as “Hat.”

Coachella Attendees Raid Michaels for Fake Flowers

IN THIS ISSUE PEPSI AD CONTROVERSY

2

FACEBOOK’S IRONIC LIKE

5

FINDING HOUSING WITH THE MQ

6, 7

SPRINGTIME BOOK CLUB

8

POLICE BEAR SAFETY PLAN

10

NEWS IN BRIEF TINY RALPHS OPENS INSIDE STARBUCKS The image above was taken from Snapchat’s archive of completely private, immediately deleted images.

BY KAYLE KVINGE

A

Staff Writer

Michaels craft supply store in Mira Mesa was ransacked early Sunday morning after many young women, who were looking to buy fake flowers to make

headbands for the popular music festival Coachella, found out that the store was out of plastic flora.

Philip Vega, the manager at the local craft store, was the victim of a violent attack last Saturday. As Coachella approaches, Michaels has not

been able to keep up with the restocking of fake daisies, tulips, and roses, the building blocks for the perfect flower wreath, a staple for all young women attending Coachella.

With no fake flowers for sale, the young women of Southern California entered a state

PHOTO BY DAVID LEE

of panic, having no idea what to pair with their high-waisted shorts, lace-embellished crop tops, and drug-hazed stupors.

See MICHAELS, page 2

Former UCSD International Student Misses Sunshine, SoulCrushing Academic Environment

BY ADAM MCKINNEY & KEVIN CHU

Former Teen Heartthrob and Content Editor pon receiving an e-mail request to donate to the Education Abroad Program this past weekend, former UC San Diego exchange student and current London University attendee James Barber fondly reminisced about some of his favorite aspects of attending UCSD, including the city’s great weather, the campus’ proximity to the beach, and the school’s emotionally devastating academic environment.

“I really miss the friends I made, the warm sea breeze, and the nausea-inducing existential crises brought on by eight consecutive weeks of midterms,” said Barber, admiring his notebook filled with class notes, doodles, and a page with the sentence “TICK TOCK GOES THE CLOCK” scrawled on every line.

EAP representative Karen Foster claimed that UCSD’s popularity as a study-abroad destination is due to the balance it strikes between a fun, beach-town school and “a harrowing mental boot camp.”

“What student wouldn’t love walking through UCSD’s beautiful, breezy eucalyptus groves while ripping at their nail beds until they bleed?” Foster said.

“Also, the Stuart Art Collection.”

Barber, who is studying history at his home university, also missed being assaulted on his way to class every day by angry Christians and CALPIRG canvassers.

Following the 2012 opening of a Starbucks inside the La Jolla Village Square Ralphs, Starbucks opened a small, limitedservice Ralphs franchise inside Starbucks, featuring “Everyday low prices inside a Starbucks at Ralphs.”

The location will function similarly to a full-size Ralphs location; it will feature regular, express, and automatic checkouts and will sell regular products like breakfast cereals, frozen vegetables, and mylar balloons. However, this Ralph’s will not sell coffee, cake pops, or jazz anthology CDs, as the result of a non-compete clause with

Starbucks. It will also be open 24 hours, although the Starbucks will be open only from 5 a.m. to 11 p.m.

“As a working mom, I’m very excited to finally be able to do my weekly shopping and pick up lunch meats for the kids while I’m getting my caffeine fix,” area mother Kathy Hurwitz said.

“Though they could’ve made the Kosher aisle a little bigger.”

At press time, Ralphs had announced that it planned to open another location that would be built around both the smaller Ralphs and the regular-sized Starbucks.

STUDENT PROCRASTINATES STUDYING FOR NETFLIX FINAL BY READING BOOK

U

UCSD Sophomore Jessica Ryker has decided to read another chapter of her roommate’s economics textbook, despite looming finals for her Netflix 110 class in the coming week, sources report.

Ryker, who had previously scored poorly on her “Orange is the New Black” and “House of Cards” quizzes, has seen a visible shift in her grades throughout the quarter, citing other classes, work, extracurriculars, and facing hours of award-winning television shows and films with disdain as sourc-

es for her procrastination.

“I don’t know, it’s just that every time I sit down to study, I dread the thought of tuning out and watching a movie,” Ryker noted. “I’d much rather study molecular cell biology or memorize the melting points of all the chemicals on the periodic table. If only there was a class for that!”

Ryker adds that she plans to study later in the evening, so long as she decides not to accompany her friends when they decide to go out and renew their driver’s licenses at the DMV.

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

Barber claimed to miss the warm weather, the beautiful people, and the physical activity he used to watch through the windows of Geisel Library.

“Walks to lecture here are too peaceful,” he lamented. “I don’t get the same rush that I did when I was dodging people and pushing through a huge crowd of students to try to get to class on time.”

Barber also bemoans his school’s “cushy” semester system.

“Here, it’s like I get 15 weeks to learn all the content for the final, and it’s just, like, too much time,” said Barber, his eye twitching with nostalgia. “Give me 10 weeks of rushed, shoehorned material

CIRCUS FUMIGATED Casualties: 250 humans, millions of fleas, one elephant

and I’ll show you one happy camper, which I call myself because I’ll be spending countless sleepless nights in the library trying to fill in the information gaps before my weekly papers and exams.

“Yup, those were the days,” Barber added, smiling to himself.

Though Barber concedes that he still has to spend nights studying in London University’s Kensington Library, he confides that Kensington “lacks the nihilistic charm” of UC San Diego’s Geisel Library.

“Everyone at Kensington smells good, and the students look fresh and nice every single day,” Barber said, shaking his head. “Where are all the smelly, sleep-deprived students in vegetative states? The clearly homeless squatters babbling conspiracy theories while staring glassy-eyed into a dark abyss?”

At press time, Barber was seen inputting credit card information and chuckling at the memory of all the days he went hungry at the hands of his exorbitant study abroad fees.

PRESIDENT BUSH FIGURES OUT HOW TO TAKE TWO DATES TO PRESIDENTIAL BALL

Barbara Bush charmed by suave, mysterious newcomer

UC BERKELEY SWEATSHIRT NOT GETTING ANY LESS SAD A student survey confirmed yesterday that the U C - B e r k e l e y- b r a n d e d sweatshirt that local student Aaron Hart has worn all year has become no less depressing to witness, and rather, has grown somewhat more so. What initially appeared to be a sign of Hart’s continued mourning of his rejection from Cal now gives others the impression that Hart has grown deeply bitter over the time he has spent at UCSD. Unlike other branded apparel from schools like Stanford, Harvard, or Columbia — which carry the implication that some family member or sibling that attends the aforementioned schools — the UC Berkeley sweater only tells the story of a hopeful student’s

premature purchase of a sweatshirt and the broken heart of a man who defines his self-worth by his rejection from a single school.

The survey confirms that fellow students wish to urge Hart to accept his time at UC San Diego, a prestigious public university in America’s most beautiful city.

Hart, according to the survey, should also come to terms with the disappointment he feels at himself, and accept that a rejection from Berkeley is meaningless in the pursuit of his long-term success and happiness. In addition, students urge Hart to deal with it, and just take the sweatshirt off.

See BRIEFS, page 11

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theMQ.org

March 12, 2014

Pepsi March Madness “Born in the USA” Ad Faces Backlash

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Careful, the Pepsi’s hot,” said the server.

BY KYLE TRUJILLO

Assistant Design Editor

A

new commercial for Pepsi soda featuring Bruce Springsteen’s song “Born in the USA” was released early

by PepsiCo on its website and Twitter account to a mixed response. On Twitter, #boycottcokeandpepsi was trending mere hours after the video was released. Titled “America is Ugly,” the commercial received over two million views in the first 24 hours after its release on Sunday.

Actors portrayed various scenes described in the song, such as a clearly abused dog at an animal shelter cowering in a corner of its cage and being coaxed out by a child offering a bowl of Pepsi; footage of soldiers jogging through an arid landscape fading into a living room with a crying woman looking at a picture of a young man in uniform and drinking Pepsi; and firefighters battling a fire that appears to be taking place in a refinery, and then sitting on smoking rubble, drinking Pepsi from blackened, gloved hands.

At the end of the commercial, a young black man is shown crouching with a basketball, sweaty and evidently focused. As he throws, the camera pans out to reveal that he’s playing basketball in a prison yard. After the game, the prisoners pass around a single can of Pepsi. An armed guard watches from a tower and takes a drink from a Coca-Cola bottle.

Always a contentious issue, the prison situation presented by the commercial has caused particularly fiery recriminations on social media.

“Why are they serving soda to criminals? They don’t deserve wastewater from nuclear power plants,” tweeted @starspangledwhiteguy. Another twitter user, @donttreadonmydick, tweeted, “Good job pepsi you pointed out that coke is better. smart advertising.”

As was the case with Coca-Cola’s Super Bowl ad, the response has not been purely negative. The commercial’s positive portrayal of the disenfranchised has been lauded by many of the

left. Many well-known twitter pontificators have issued supportive tweets using Pepsi’s suggested hashtag #americaisugly.

“The message we intended to express with this ad was one of love and American solidarity in the face of rampant, government-sponsored militarized racism, environmental destruction, and systematic mass incarceration,” explained a company spokesman on the company’s website. “Unfortunately, due to a miscommunication, this message has been painted by some as a dig at the CocaCola Company.”

PepsiCo further denies that any rivalry exists between the two sodas, insisting that they offer entirely different products. While Coca-Cola is “liquid lies and sweetened by the sweat off the brow of the exploited disenfranchised,” PepsiCo offers “refreshing, responsibly-sourced truth.”

“Although the backlash these companies have received for airing progressive opinions is rather shocking,

I’m glad we have this opportunity to talk about the issues we face as a country in the context of the consumption of soft drinks,” said Adweek’s Senior Beverage Analyst, Linda Ng. “It’s an excellent marketing tactic. Just as drinking Coke makes one a patriot, optimist, and supporter of multiculturalism, drinking Pepsi makes you a realist and an activist.

“Now, perhaps in either case these ads are purely callous attempts to sway a youth demographic concerned with social justice without taking any meaningful action in pursuit of those goals, but maybe not, who knows?” Ng added.

While the ad may be a marketing success in some circles, Coca-Cola isn’t buying PepsiCo’s explanation that their product “accidentally” showed up in the ad and is suing PepsiCo for trademark infringement. In an online statement, the embattled company retorted: “Well played, Pepsi. Enjoy the anticapitalist market and all its no-doubt vast buying power.

We’ll see you in court.”

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Michaels

This panic led to an uprising of 241 long-haired, American Apparel-loving, young women at the Michaels branch.

“I was restocking the yarn cabinets before opening when I heard a strange noise toward the front of the building,” Vega said. “When I got to the front, I saw what looked like hundreds of girls screaming to the melody of Lana Del Rey’s ‘Diet Mountain Dew.’” Vega explained how he opened the doors to let the girls in, hoping they would find all the crafting supplies they needed. However, once the doors were opened, the young women started to run toward the empty fake flower aisles, which were once abundant with festival wear. Upon realizing that there were no flowers, the girls turned violent.

Vega and his co-workers all suffered minor injuries.

“One girl poured her grande white chocolate mocha down my shirt,” said Emily Barron, an employee at Michaels. Another allegedly used a pair of Victoria’s Secret yoga pants as a stretchy whip to hurt those around her. Police are still on the lookout for suspects, all described as girls with ombre hair, wearing Brandy Melville dresses and Windsor sunglasses.

The riot ended in 52 arrests and 14 injuries, most of which were inflicted upon employees of Michaels. After it had ended,

Brianna Morris, one of the rioters, was asked why she and the rest of the rioters didn’t just use real flowers when the fake flowers were out of stock.

“That would be too expected,” Morris replied. “We need to bring originality to the table. Coachella is where you really express yourself through kitschy accessories, homemade hot pants, and pastel tank tops.”

As a result of the riots, Michaels began holding lessons on how to make Styrofoam ball wreaths, felt wire crowns, clothespin headbands, and other alternative material accessories for Coachella. So far, young women have embraced the expansion of the medium of their accessories. As a result, people expect to see a variety of crafty accessories, not just in headwear but in entire outfits. Some Skrillex fans have publicly talked about covering their bodies in crazy glue and sequins, while Lorde fans have decided to cover themselves in all black, complete with black crayon headdresses and black cardboard paper skirts.

However, some people are not entirely on board with this evolving trend.

“Coachella has sold out,” said protestor Kelsea Birch.

“For the people of Coachella to take on this new trend is revolting. What has happened to originality?”

TOP TEN

Signs Your TA Is Coming Onto You 10. They keep saying Critical Gender Studies with a wink 9. You once made eye contact in class for, like, three seconds 8. They gave you a C to play hard to get 7. Actually knows your first name 6. Your oral exam was not graded 5. The grade you got was 310-487-4429 4. Office hours listed as being located “in my pants” 3. Attendance is taken through Tinder 2. Everyone else in section gets to keep their pants on 1. Gives you good constructive feedback, head

Editor-in-Chief...........................Allie Kiekhofer Managing Editor..........................Garrett Chan Content Editor.................................Kevin Chu Associate Content Editor............Riley Mallory Associate Content Editor.........Natalie McLain Associate Content Editor...............Barak Tzori Design Editor.........................Elizabeth O’Neil Assistant Design Editor.................Kyle Trujillo Graphics Editor.............................Ryan Gibbs Graphics Editor...............................Sora Chee Assistant Graphics Editor..........Lawrence Lee Assistant Graphics Editor.......Katherine Wood

Copy Editor............................Andrew Deneris Assistant Copy Editor................Jacob Aguirre Business Editor............................Hillary Chan Web Editor..................................Connor Brew Publicity Chair..............................Trev Malone Social Chair............................Hilary Morefield Assistant Social Chair............Cole Steffensen Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert MQ Dad...............................Bora Buyuktimkin Foreign Correspondent..............Wesley Chan Foreign Correspondent...................Jessi Carr Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

Best observed in a state of chaos.

Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. It’s just before 12 a.m. — a time that will probably take you loyal readers of my ed notes by surprise. This production is wrapping up hours earlier than the one before it — at this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if we finished our special issue mid-Friday evening. I honestly don’t know how this weekend happened. It seems that sometime during my four-day-long monologue about my Myers-Briggs personality test results, everybody made a bomb-ass satire paper while I wasn’t paying attention. Classic ENFP. This is the part where I get repetitive (and use my second em dash) — I was so proud of everyone this production, and collectively, I think we made our best issue of the year. Riley led content with the calm diplomacy of a parent who dies prematurely in a Disney movie. Riley, the cold symptoms you started showing near the end of production have me worried that my allusion is all too accurate.

Barak and Kevin thought longer and harder about dead hamsters than I thought possible, and for that, I am eternally impressed. I’ve already told Natalie I think she’s the shit. Sora, Lawrence and Katherine made me laugh so hard that I didn’t notice them somehow expanding their legion of graphics masters (talkin’ to you, David, Hilmo, HChan, etc.). Gotta thank Elizabeth and Kyle for some of my favorite designs so far this year. Readers and MQers alike should thank Kyle for oiling his chest (see page 12). Endless thanks to Garrett for keeping tabs and Andrew for keeping time (again), and to Jacob and Cole for being unprecedentedly productive these past few days and sharing a single pair of headphones the entire time. And thanks to Trev for continuing to share his true gift of celeb-quote attribution — his talent was unshakeable, even in days surrounding his car’s break-in.

But what I’ll never forget about production — and this one, especially — are the hordes of laughter that built up over the first three days and crescendoed today in rolling bouts of giggle-induced nausea. I wish there were better words to describe the vibes I felt this production. I guess the best way to show it is that at 2:38 a.m., as we enter the final corrections, there are still nine of us here, singing and dancing as we stifle yawns. I may not be able to explain the feeling, but I know it’s an addictive one; one I’m already afraid to miss. So have a great few weeks, everybody. I’ll catch you in 20.6.

Summer Anderson Allegra Baker Jack Beegan Corey Breier Andrew Buss Romelle Canonizado Mark Cayaba Alejandra Cervantes Rosa Cho

Becca Chong Leslie Cohen Angelique De Castro Dylan Everingham Jeffrey Filice Alison Gilchrist Phillip Hodgson Rachel Huang Avi Kabani

Shruti Khandai Phoebe Kiekhofer Rachel Kiekhofer Grace Kim Kayle Kvinge David Lee Crystal Martinez Mal Murray Sean O’Neal

Audrey Olson Corlin Palmer Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Tyler Takemoto Walter Thavarajah Brian Trenkle Howard Wang Jen Windsor

Booster Club Thanks to Jen for bringing muffins again. Next time, I won’t make the mistake of hoarding two behind a computer tower and forgetting them for two days. Kayle brought enough outfits to clothe two weekends of Coachella attendees. Kevin brought his car, but nobody really ate it. David brought mini donuts that everyone kept calling “Honey Nut Cheerios.” Cole brought Vanilla Jo Jo’s and Kettlecorn. Thanks to Barak and Kat and Jacob and Elizabeth for dining dollars, and Andrew for spending his dining dollars on everything anyone asked him or Lawrence to buy. Thanks to Bora for resurrecting our Red Vines supply and Hilmo for resurrecting Diet Sierra Mist. Both were appreciated, but only by obligation.

March 12, 2014

theMQ.org

Page 3

Fox to Air Competition Show “So You Think You Can Judge”

Area Man Constructing Altar to Dark Gods of Materialism

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

The Moon is in the proper phase. The sacrifices have been completed. The paint is properly mixed. His dark work begins.

BY RILEY D. MALLORY

Associate Content Editor

L “I am the law … but that was so good that it should be the law,” Dredd said. “I was crying in my visor.”

BY BARAK TZORI

Associate Content Editor

A

s Season 13 of “American Idol” reached its mid-season point earlier this month, Keith Urban announced he would be stepping down from the show as one of the judges. In response to this development, Fox Network executive Evan Prager has announced that they have begun taping for a new competition show to find a replacement called “So You Think You Can Judge.”

“So You Think You Can Judge” is set to air this spring, preceded by a show with explosions in which the hero is a loose cannon who sometimes does morally reprehensible things but gets away with them, followed by a show where a man sits behind a desk for an entire hour and tells the audience depressing stories about places far away from them.

“It will be formatted much in the same way ‘Idol’ or ‘The X Factor’ are,” explained Prager. “Live auditions will be recorded in major cities in the country, from where the most promising contestants will be sent to the judgment capital of the U.S., Florida.”

A panel of five judges has been put together to judge the aspiring judges. Judge Sonia Sotomayor, said to be an uplifting spirit, has been slotted as the Paula Abdul of the bunch. Judge Antonin Scalia is set to be the “mean one” out of the group, according to insider sources.

The level-headed “middle ground” between the two is Judge Dredd, a professional who prides himself on being honest and just.

Simon Cowell will fill the fourth position on the panel.

“Simon hasn’t been at the top of his game lately, but we think this might reignite his passion for judging,” Prager

stated. “Well, that, and Fox is also obligated to place Simon Cowell on at least two judge panels per year.”

Finally, to round out the panel, Fox has hired Judge Reinhold to the fifth judging spot. The aging actor was surprised by this move, saying, “They do know I’m not an actual judge, right? It’s just my first name.”

Lines for the auditions already span many city blocks in Dallas, where the first taping is being held. People by the hundreds are excited to try their hand at judging.

Mark Edoff, 29, seemed eager to enter through the doors. “I can easily be a mean judge. I practiced my red-button pressing at home and, listen to this, I have an almost perfect British accent,” he said with a voice that other contestants described as “Benedict Cumberbatch being strangled underwater.”

PHOTO BY DAVID LEE

“I quit my day job for this,” stated a competitor in line who would only identify himself as Beef Eustace Bobberts. “I even brought my own robe and gavel; there’s no way I won’t make it to the Florida stage at least!”

With so many contestants eager to participate, it was difficult to discern what exactly Fox was looking for.

“The winner of ‘So You Think You Can Judge’ will have the opportunity to sign an exclusive contract with Fox to be the next judge on American Idol,” Prager explained. “We’re looking for someone with charisma, someone with a hint of an attitude. Someone who would be a presence on ‘Idol’ for at least one year and then quit to become the head judge of their own variety show that’ll air for one and a half seasons before it gets cancelled, and then they’ll become washed out celebrities, forgotten by the world at large.”

a Jolla resident John Conroy has begun construction at 7235 Carrizo Drive of a shrine to honor the Gods of Materialism he worships and who whisper at all moments in the back of his mind.

The temple, where Conroy intends to spend every day in worship, will include a study for his silent reverence, a patio from which his rituals will pass late into the night, three beds, and two and a half baths.

It is Conroy’s intent to, once construction is completed, move his wife and children into this temple hewn with his own hands. Here, they will be taught their father’s reverence of material wealth, to toil above all else to possess and use, and the use of their father’s totems and rituals.

“It seems like a really nice neighborhood to raise kids,” Conroy said. “It’s safe, the school district is great, and there are plenty of kids their age in the area.”

Conroy intends to spare no expense in the pursuit of the honor of his depraved deities.

The blinds, which will shroud the temple from the prying eyes of those unworthy, are of the finest silks coin and jewel can purchase. The faucets will all be all silver, stolen from the hidden mountains of native peoples. Conroy’s bed in this shrine will be “one of those Sleep Number mattresses, because my wife and I just can’t agree on how soft a mattress we want.”

The house itself is being built of materials specifically to Conroy’s specifications, as the old ways dictate. Brazilian oak, torn from virgins forests thus far untouched by the ravages of man, is to make up the floor Conroy will walk with quiet, careful steps to avoid a single scratch or imperfection in his gift to the jealous gods. The counters will be made from stones hauled from the far off mountains of the east, because, “Well, it’s a nice, tough material that’s pretty easy to clean, which is definitely helpful with the kids.”

“It’s shaping up to be a really gorgeous house. We were always wondering when someone would build something in that lot,” said Conroy’s neighbor Georgia Murphy, fear in her eyes of the splendor of Conroy’s creation, terrified that the Gods, masters of all splendor, had abandoned her.

“Conroy seems like a great guy, so it worked out great for us.”

At the end of the construction, Conroy will hold a black mass to finalize the offering.

In that time, all will come and bear witness to its splendor.

His guests will walk his house, wondering at all he had built, at all his labor had gained him, and at all he owned.

“We’ll probably hold a housewarming party, yeah,” Conroy said, in ecstasy at the thought of his neighbors seeing what his dark work had created. “Just as a meet-theneighborhood type of thing.

We don’t want to be those people who don’t know anybody around them.”

TOP TEN

Ways to Tell Your Parents that You’re Failing a Class 10. Say it in a sarcastic tone to play it off as a joke 9. “Mom, I’m pregnant. Just kidding, but I am failing” 8. Don’t tell them anything; legally, you don’t have to 7. “If I switch schools, I can get six more months of Amazon Prime” 6. “Let’s get real: You weren’t ready for me to leave the nest” 5. “Spiderman didn’t graduate either” 4. “At least now you won’t be threatened by me being more successful than you” 3. “But I got an A+ in Being on a Tobacco-Free Campus” 2. “Did you really want ANOTHER doctor in your family?”

1. “The important thing is, I had fun”

THE MQ

The second coolest org in our office since 2004.

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

Page 4

theMQ.org

March 12, 2014

Friend Group Considers Housing Options, Whom to Exclude

Horoscopes

Aries (21 Mar. - 19 Apr.)

Keep your eyes open for new opportunities in your life. Things may feel like they’re not changing, and they won’t if you keep up that sour attitude. Chin up, scamp!

Taurus (20 Apr. - 20 may)

You will experience a phase of feelings of restlessness and a drive to change the stagnant rut you’ve fallen into. This will soon pass, and you will return to marathoning “True Detective.” Society will be unable to judge you.

Gemini (21 May - 21 Jun.)

You will befriend a dog. He will teach you that even pets can play basketball. Someday, he will run away, but don’t feel sad. He’s gone to bestow the same gift he gave you onto another.

Cancer (22 Jun. - 23 Jul.)

Cancer. Sorry. Also, that jacket doesn’t match.

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

Just a typical Friday night in Suite 205.

BY GARRETT CHAN

O

Managing Editor

n Tuesday, residents of Argo Hall’s suite 205 began talking about where they were going to live next year, and which one in their group of five suitemates was going to have to be slowly pushed out of the group in order to best accommodate living arrangements.

Discussion of the subject first occurred during a suite dinner, in which talk of how “obnoxious the other suite is, especially Tyler, who left a stack of dishes in the bathroom sink” segued into where the five close friends would choose to live during the 2014-2015 school year.

Tensions quickly arose after Emmett Park announced that he had been able to find many two-room apartments on Craigslist that “would be perfect for four of us.”

Park then may or may not have shot a glance at Colin Stone while reaching for a fork. Stone responded by reaching for a larger fork and said, “I’m sure we could find a place for all five of us and your huge-ass surfboard.”

Park and Stone, who had done a duet of “Faithfully” together during a Welcome Week hypnotist’s show, quickly put their forks down and looked at Park’s roommate Daryl Hannigan. Park and Stone then realized simultaneously that Hannigan was the weird one in their group, since he went home every weekend and was hesitant to share his mini-fridge. They later came to conclusion that, “Yeah, Daryl’s cool and all, but I think he has other friends who’d be willing to take him in.”

Over the course of several days, Hannigan, who was subjected to increasing levels of forced friendship, endured

Park’s suggestions that he go hang out with “the guys in 210; they’re pretty all right,” and felt a growing sense of not belonging that he probably should have picked up on earlier when the guys went to see “Frozen” and only Facebook messaged him about it when they got to the theater.

Hannigan considered becoming closer friends with Stone’s roommate Cormac Sun by taking him out to lunch, which turned into a very awkward ordeal.

“I tried asking Cormac what he thought about next year, and he just said, ‘It’d be easier if one of just left willingly, you know?’ He’s so passive-aggressive; I don’t even know why I want to live with him again.”

Sources reported that Park, Stone, Hannigan, and Sun would reconvene next Wednesday with their RA to finally agree upon who would

have to leave the group. Having overheard about Hannigan and Sun’s lunch, however, Stone was furious, and refused to meet.

“I’m so sick and tired of your guys’ catty backstabbing,” Stone complained. “It’s like I don’t even need to freeload off Emmett’s Netflix to watch ‘House of Cards.’ And it isn’t even that good; so, thanks for the recommendation, Emmett. Thanks a lot.”

Nothing further on the matter has developed yet, and chances of a meeting are tenuous, considering that Park just went to change his Netflix password. Carly Do, the RA, however, had some hope for the group’s eventual reconciliation.

“Ideally, the four of them will remember that they barely interact with the guy who lives in the single, Linden. I bet they’ve totally forgotten that they live with him anyway.”

Sports Team Accrues More Points than Other Sports Team

Leo (24 Jul. - 23 Aug.)

Look to the stars and maintain a hopeful outlook on life. Your soul mate is out there somewhere, and your spouse won’t be around forever. That being said, on the next full moon, your period will be two months late. Oops.

Virgo (24 Aug. - 22 Sept.)

You will get help from a loved one, which you will angrily reject as you are still within the depths of your drug addiction. You are currently reading a newspaper.

Libra (23 Sept. - 22 Oct.)

The suns of Zenon are smiling upon you this month, as the DNA samples acquired from the crime scene will prove inconclusive and therefore not be viable court evidence. Keep your heart guarded, however, as a romance with a future murder victim may leave you with a broken heart and a criminal record.

Scorpio (23 Oct. - 22 Nov.)

Look inside yourself to find answers. You will wake up in the middle of a surgery.

Sagittarius (23 Nov. - 20 Dec.)

This week your organizational skills will serve you well. So harness the energy and get that dead dog out of your trunk; it’s been there for weeks.

Capricorn (22 Dec. - 20 Jan.)

This will be a month full of self-growth and physical modification for you. The Moon is in its waxing phase, so maybe your bikini line should follow suit. But avoid tanning; the risk of skin cancer isn’t worth it.

Aquarius (21 Jan. - 19 Feb.)

You will have an intense sexting conversation.

Look forward to it. Or be afraid, depending on what the nature of your current romantic relationship is. Either way, you will discover things about the human body you never knew.

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

49ers quarterplayer Jose Canseco scored a career high 46 goals in last Sunday’s scrimmage against the Baltimore Orioles.

BY COLE STEFFENSEN

L

Assistant Social Chair

ast Sunday, an important victory occurred in the world of basketsport, with the winning team throwing an inflated rubber sphere into the enemy team’s metal hoop only a couple more times than their opponents.

The Midwestern School of Little Notoriety Other Than Basketball Sport Animals took the win, with Prestigious College That Also Has a Racist Sports Team Mascot nearly taking victory had it not been for the Sport Animals scoring more sport points in the game.

This game was an important one in that the team that wins this game maybe gets to play more games later against other teams, while their op-

ponents might not get to play as many games unless they do a lot better than the other teams, but it will be harder for them to win more games to get all the way to the end to the basketsport finale.

The sportsing that occurred during last Sunday was important, too, in that it shows which team maybe will do better against other better, stronger teams. Sources have reported, even, that the Sport Animals may even play the most number of games possible, winning most of them, all the way up to the final game against another team that also played and won a lot of games. Those two teams will have a final sports battle, and then end the so-called “March Madness.”

James Captainsburg, the wizard manager-leader-coach

of the Sport Animals, seems hopeful of his team’s future.

“I think my team’s boys did a good job of sportsing out there on the wooden field basket rink today,” said Captainsburg. “Maybe we can even keep sportsing all the way to the top, and put the inflated rubber sphere into our opponent’s metal net hoop the most times out of any team.”

Captainsburg, who later commented on his team’s weaknesses, used the words “teamwork,” “fundamentals,” and “integrity” 14 times over the course of a 30-minute interview. These skills, along with “not letting the other team get the sportsball into our sports hole” are areas of focus for the team in the coming games.

In the last game they played, team member and

basket sphere-toucher Michael TeamMember accidentally carried an orange, inflated rubber sphere in his hands while running, instead of repeatedly bouncing it on the ground. For this reason, the opponent team was able to throw the sphere into a net, resulting in points and a near non-victory for the Sports Animals.

“That part of the game was a part of the game I wish we had gamed better,” says TeamMember.

“But it’s OK, since we gamed our hardest and also sportsed it some, too.”

TeamMember, a favorite for next year’s professional sports team member picking, is expected to play more games this season and then get paid millions of dollars to throw around the sphere some more years before retiring.

Pisces (20 feb. - 20 Mar.)

Relax. Breathe. You’re doing better than you think. I mean, I’m way worse off than you, what are you complaining for? I barely have time to study for my Chem E. midterm while predicting the whole course of human events by ancient astrological ritual. Eugh, sorry, hard day.

THE MQ

Very likely single.

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

March 12, 2014

theMQ.org

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Transnational Olympic Closing Ceremony Draws Few Viewers

​ other Assures Daughter M She Would Love Another Paperweight for Her Birthday

PHOTO BY JACOB AGUIRRE

“I went through 46 hours of labor,” Denise Eckleberg sighed under her breath.

BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

Closing Ceremony performers wowed the judges with their explosive performance and blew away the spectators with their AK-47s.

BY JACK BEEGAN

R

Staff Writer

ecent statistics show that the 2014 Winter Olympic Games’ Closing Ceremony — which included celebrations of Russian contributions to the arts and a subsequent international incident in Ukraine — has proven to be the least popular closing ceremony of all time.

The ceremony’s unpopularity is rivaled only by the 1992 Grenoble Closing Ceremony, when Americans tuned out in droves after finally discovering that the ceremony and games themselves had taken place in France.

“It blind-sided us,” said Lawrence F. Probst, III, chairman of the United States Olympic Committee. “Of course Americans weren’t going to go for the Raichmanoff or Chekov or whatever, but look how Ukraine unfolded!

It’s got everything Americans want! The ratings just don’t make any sense.”

Probst is not alone in his confusion, as several American insiders have come for-

ward with information on the ceremony’s intent to appeal to citizens of the US. “Americans love zany characters, and the closing ceremony definitely delivered that, from a caste point of view,” said Oleksandr Shevchenko, a celebration participant. “We had the former KGB operative with dead eyes, the Harvardeducated pragmatist clinging to his inspirational rhetoric as the last remnant of his time as political-outsider-golden child, the PhD-holding former heavyweight-championturned-member of parliament. It was fool-proof!”

The same insiders claimed that there was also an attempt to capitalize on the public’s love for angry white men yelling at one another and making decisions, a long-standing tradition in American culture, as well as the country’s collective enthusiasm for tanks.

Many experts believe that the yelling was unable to surmount the language barriers between those involved, most likely offering the added attraction of an unrepresented group of people being

blamed by said yelling men for the ensuing issues in the near future.

Many critics say ceremony organizers were overly-simplistic at best in their attempt to reach an American audience. The Show-Me Foundation noted that Americans have been reluctant to trust any Eastern European social movement after being disappointed by the deceptivelynamed Pussy Riot.

“It all seems like a joke,” said Show-Me Foundation President Rex Sinquefield. “I mean, it’s bad enough they start on network. But only going so far as cable news? It’s 2014. I don’t care if your car was made when Gorbachev called the shots or if you heat your house with a wood-burning stove, you’ve got to go with premium cable.

“It’s the only way to broadcast the fantastical sex and graphic violence we Americans so desperately need,” he added.

Media insiders, however, have disagreed with Sinquefield, citing surveys showing that 71% of respondents are

intentionally avoiding the celebration so as not to spoil any future episodes of FX’s “The Americans” that may cover the display.

Perhaps the most damning of the closing ceremony’s shortcomings in the American media was its failure to register as a part of Olympic pageantry. What organizers had hoped would be a celebration of the region’s complex and nuanced history has been misconstrued as “an uprising,” “a post-20th century geopolitical fallout,” and “a pretty sweet-ass hockey riot.”

“Troop movements? Fascists, both figurative and literal, fighting each other in a conflict in which the only plausible victors are either the Neo-Liberals who run Washington or their pals in Moscow?” said Cassandra Goodman, local hardware store clerk. “Kind of overdoing it for a Smirnoff ad, if you ask me.

“Who wants rock- or fire bomb-flavored vodka?” she added. “It was better when they were speaking English in funny accents and throwing raspberries at each other.”

Facebook Unveils New Ironic Like Option

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Pictured: Ironic Mark Zuckerberg introducing Facebook’s new ironic Like button.

BY KATHERINE WOOD

Assistant Graphics Editor

A

s part of the latest installment of the company’s efforts to recapture youth interest, Facebook released a new round of updates centered around a new ironic Like option on Monday. The changes have been lauded by company officials for expanding user activity options, allowing users to “genuinely express apathy.”

With the new features, users can now choose between the traditional Like button and a new ironic Like button, differentiated by a halo of pink sparks around the thumbs-up icon, drawn in the squigglymouse style of Microsoft

Paint. Other new user options include expanded ironic language options, which include “Internet 1” (Impact font in white/black) and “Internet 2” (Comic Sans MS font in assorted colors). Users can opt to use the ironic language option when writing comments to make their ironic activity more obvious. The News Feed has also undergone modifications, where activity from a page that a user has ironically Liked is preceded with a disparaging header.

“We’re trying to recapture the fleeting, fickle attention of the youth by giving them more culturally relevant ways to express themselves,” said Facebook official David Fischer.

“What better conveys how

hard you’re trying to be cool in a modern context than typing in a meme font?”

Initial audience responses have been mixed. Local grandmother and Facebook user Maria Gibelli reported that the button appeared to be defective.

“I used the new extra special like to like my local library, but now all their announcements keep showing up in these horribly rude ways on my feed — now, Facebook keeps telling me to ‘check out what this nerd posted,’” Gibelli said. “To fix it, I tried restarting my computer, but it didn’t change anything!”

Roosevelt Elementary school fifth grader Brian Kim, like many others, has used the

ironic Like option to criticize Facebook itself as a social media platform.

“Oh my God hahaha Facebook is so dumb,” Kim wrote in a recent post on his personal Facebook profile. “i ‘like’d Facebook ironically ON FACEBOOK! so now Facebook calls itself stupid! me n my friendz laugh so hard because we r smart and kewl n Facebook is not.”

Older Facebook users, like area mother Sarah Weisman, have found that the option provides an opportunity to effectively communicate with younger users.

“I feel the new ironic options are geared toward a younger, more Internet-savvy audience, but I think I’ve gotten the hang of them,” Weisman said. “I’ve found them very useful for Liking my daughter’s new relationship status with that bonehead Jake and my son’s ‘artistic’ endeavors.”

While some users are enthusiastic about the new Like option’s ability to clarify that their approval of One Direction is purely ironic, others are more conflicted.

“It’s great that I can ironically like Pewdiepie to annoy my sister who adores him, but what about My Little Pony?” commented local sibling Melissa Reyes. “Having to choose which like option to use brings up some serious questions. How much of my enjoyment is truly ironic? Have I…become a horse person?”

At press time, Reyes was trying to decide if it was better to use the ironic Like or if that was too mainstream and it was now more ironic to use the original like.

D

Design Editor

espite not being satisfied with any gift her daughter has given her, local mother Denise Eckleberg has reportedly stopped trying to drop big hints and has resorted to telling her daughter that anything she wants to give her for her birthday is “fine.”

Following years of high expectations, Eckleberg reportedly has given up, revealing that she is tired of the “crappy craft projects” she has been receiving from her daughter, Taffeta Williams. Eckleberg, whose birthday is in a week, has felt the need to remind her daughter of holidays well in advance ever since her birthday last year.

“That was the year when she forgot about my birthday until the day of,” Eckleberg revealed. “She only remembered after my husband brought out a cake, and she then handed me a jar of marbles from our mantle in a moment of panic. I had to pretend like I hadn’t seen them sitting there for the 18 years we have been in this house.”

Eckleberg revealed that her current plan is to subtly encourage her daughter to do better by giving her ample time to plan and reminding her of past successes.

“That half-dead sunflower you picked from our backyard a few years back was the best present you have ever given to me,” Eckleberg was heard reassuring her daughter recently. “I still keep it beside my bed.”

“I wish that was sarcasm,” Eckleberg later said, once her daughter exited the room to presumably decoupage. “Most of her presents have been much worse.

“One time she promised me a set of crocheted coasters, of which she finished one and a half,” she added.

“Another she re-gifted a vase from the white elephant gift exchange from which I picked her up. Her all-time low was when she walked me to a local taco truck, but forgot her wallet and made me pay. Then we both got food poisoning.”

A week later, when Williams revealed this year’s present, Eckleberg may have recorded a new low.

“She gave me a mason jar filled with blades of grass ‘to represent the life you gave me, or whatever,’” Eckleberg revealed to sources.

At press time, Eckleberg said that she has given up completely and — after years of half-finished coasters, regifted sweaters, and similar pathetic attempts of showing affection — has decided to start asking for symbolic gifts from her daughter. These “signs of love,” as she calls them, include things such as hugs, movie nights when she can pick the film, and “maybe a hand around the house every once in a while.”

Eckleberg revealed that she would even prefer a gift of no presents, so that she can finally give up the pretense.

TOP TEN

Similarities Between a Jacuzzi in Vegas and Geisel During Finals Week 10. Spending too much time there may lead to infertility 9. Open 24 hours 8. Your books are all wet 7. There’s a bar in the back corner 6. Smart people brought their sandwiches from Subway 5. There are warm spots you can’t explain 4. You’re covered in a thick veneer 3. Somebody’s just been lying there face down all night, and you’re afraid to ask any questions 2. It’s 3:47 a.m. and you’re forming some very important opinions about the nature of existence 1. All the outlets are taken Half Dome, full satire newspaper.

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

THE MQ

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March 12, 2014

Finding Housing with The MQ The beginning of spring signals many things — allergy season, those once-cute bunnies getting it on in the middle of the day — but most importantly, it’s that time of year when UCSD students start hunting for roommates and places to live next year. Whether you got suckered into staying on campus or suckered into living with a group of people you barely know or like, we’ll help you find the best people to live with and best places to reside in next year.

Roommate Behavioral Spectrum Analysis So you’re thinking of living with the same boneheads you’re bunking with this year. But how can you tell if they’re kind, generous people or just assholes in disguise? We’ve compiled a comparison chart of the behaviors of good, bad, and worse roommates for you to reflect on your past and consider your future.

Good Roommate

Bad Roommate

Worse Roommate

Wakes you up when you oversleep for a final

Lets you sleep through it

Gives you excessive sleep medication beforehand

Holds your hair while you puke

Posts pictures to Facebook

Pukes in your hair while holding it

Shares generously

Labels their stuff

Asks you to stop using their vibrator

Gives you a ride home from campus

Leaves you stranded on campus after dark

Runs you over with their car

Pays their share of utilities

Occasionally doesn’t

Exists only in your mind

March 12, 2014

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Roommate Compatibility Quiz Maybe you decided not to live with your old roommates because our super-helpful chart told you they were actually dicks. Maybe you were the asshole in the situation. Either way, you’re gonna need some new homies to shack up with, and you don’t trust total strangers. The best way to make sure you’re cohabitating with a fellow of like mind is by compiling and sending out your own roommate compatibility quiz! Below, we’ve included our own as an example; you can make your own, but in all honesty, it won’t be half as good as ours.

Multiple Choice:

7. Sharing showers? a. Yes b. Yes

1. How close are you to your parents? a.

I talk to them daily b.

My mom is filling this out for me c.

They died in a fire. It was my fault d.

They’re 296 miles away

8. How much of a whiny punk-ass bitch are you, Steve? a.

Nyeh nyeh nyeh, I’m Steve, bleh b. *incomprehensible bitch noises* (P.S. I’m Steve) c.

As much as you are a fucking asshole, Mike

2. How open is your open weed policy? a.

I would never touch the Devil’s Lettuce! b.

How weed is your open policy?

3. How stealthy a masturbator are you? a.

I’ve been masturbating this whole time! b.

Don’t say the word masturbate in front of me — goddamn it! Now I have to go to the bathroom c.

My mom told me if I ever touched my penis it would fall off ... and it did 4. How unironically do you like “The Big Bang Theory”? a. BAZINGA! b. “Bazinga.”

5. Do you wet the bed? a.

With what? b.

Only on the top bunk c.

It keeps me warm 6. What does a sock on a door knob mean to you? a.

If the handle is sockin’, don’t come a-knockin’ b.

Knock loudly before coming in c.

Three-way in three, two... d.

Master has given Knobby a sock!

9. How opposed are you to violent mood swings that may end in homicide? a. 7 b.

Why wouldn’t I be fine? Of course I’m fine! Do you wanna die? c.

I’ve got a large enough knife collection that you don’t really concern me d.

What exactly do you mean by “homicide”?

10. Sexual tension between roommates is a.

Inappropriate ;) b.

Appropriate ;) c.

Desired ;) d. ;) 11. How opposed are you to nonconsensual skin grafts? a. Um b. Uh c. What? d.

Well, I’m a pre-med, so…

12. Did you know that I’ve been staring at you for the past 10 minutes? a. Yes b.

No (Then look up, you dummy! I’m right here.)

Housing Options Now that you’ve got your roommates in order, it’s time to find a place to live. If it’s on campus, easy: Find a spot underneath the big red chair! That’s some whimsical-ass shelter! But finding the Mr. Right Place to bring home to your parents is going to be more of a challenge when you move off-campus. Lucky for you, we’ve scoped out sweet pads for you to crash at for the year and written up some highlights of every location. Wow, we’re so nice! We would probably be great for you to live with next year. Why don’t you live with us? We’ll let you think about it.

- 2 Bed, 1 Bath - Rent: $1,850/month - Wonderful schools in the neighborhood - The weird crew that hangs out in the apartment hot tub is pretty easy to ignore

Greenhills Apartment Complex This West Side apartment complex offers off-campus housing just a short walk from a bus stop. Ranked fourth in HGTV’s “40 Most Mundane Apartment Complexes,” Greenhills offers vaguely functioning Wi-Fi, full utilities, and a chance to witness gentrification in action. Friday night features a Movie Night that you may or may not enjoy, depending on your feelings about swingers. However, your neighbors will likely not appreciate your post-hardcore band, Bite the Eyelid.

- Half bed, half bath - Rent: $2.25 per trip / $5 day passes - Vending machines provide cheap eating options - Must be in bed by 10:30 - Stuff left on the buses becomes yours

The Old Town Transit Center The Old Town Transit Center offers an excellent alternative to traditional housing for students concerned about mobility.

The site offers rustic furniture, excellent airflow, and intensely powerful seasonal lighting. The location comes with a free set of trash cans and a bench. Unfortunately, there is no access to a fitness center, sparse privacy, and little protection from the packs of stray dogs that wander the streets at night. Additionally, the neighbors can be a bit aggressive, though they may teach you more about life than you ever imagined.

- 4 bed, 8 bath, with a precariously placed ocean view - Rent: Oh, please. More zeros than you can even imagine - Chauffeur to school every day - Rent can be paid in sexual favors - Sea level rises by two inches a year

- 1 set of mattress springs - 1 dirty toilet, not connected to plumbing - Rent: $400/month - Half a chandelier, fallen - No credit check, just a drug test asking you if you have drugs / are willing to share

Sketchy Craigslist Apartment

La Jolla Beach Cottage

The place may occasionally be overrun with mice, the landlord’s name is Drug D. Ealer, and the holes in the wall may be patched up with hard cheeses, but don’t overlook the many charming quirks of the Lebon Luxury Homes & Meth House!

Need something to taste like garlic? The tap water mysteriously does! Like possums? There’s one named Joel in the other room!

People don’t go in there. Did we mention that the walls are patched with hard cheeses?

This upscale beach cottage offers a wonderful ocean/half-nude UCSD student view. By day you can make use of the nautical sex swing, and by night you can rent out your bougie-ass porch for weddings/birthdays/bar mitzvahs. This prime housing opportunity comes with seven short, male roommates and gets frequently overrun with horseshoe crabs. The living room features floor-toceiling windows, allowing for the full sunset and the light of the lighthouse to shine intensely in your eyes and the foghorn to echo brilliantly in the acoustic living room at three in the morning.

- 1 storage closet - Rent: 10% of your gross income, though the joke’s on them — you’re more often than not unemployed - Conveniently located next to a freeway - Roommates have a lot of very strong opinions about gun rights/polygamy

- 1 shared bed, 1 shared bath, 1 large yard - Rent: Paid by US tax dollars - Never worry about your outfit - Wine from toilets - Daily arts and crafts, activities, and meals provided - Super secure

San Diego Central Jail Cell Block D Room and board in a gated community? Convenient, on-site employment? All this free of charge? It’s not too good to be true, it’s jail! Every night’s a sleepover in your new, diverse, yet highly-segregated neighborhood! Embrace your new freedom from fiat-currency-based economies with cigarette-driven markets as you play a part in the longstanding American tradition of institutionalized racism. Make sure to stay on the good side of your landlords; they’re heavily armed and can engage in acts of violence with utter impunity!

San Diego California Temple If you’ve ever dreamed of living in the castle at Disneyland, but with a group of people probably more sexually repressed than the Disney Princesses, then the spire-decked LDS temple in San Diego will be everything from your wildest fantasies come true. You could end up brushing shoulders with tons of secretlyMormon celebs, and the high ceilings mean you’ll have a ton of space to store everything — just make sure you bring your own coffee! And every day can be a fun game, because to keep living there you’ll have to stay very well hidden from security.

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Obama’s Disapproval Rating for Americans at Record High

FitLife Introduces “Chase You with an Ax” Fitness Program

Pain is fear leaving the body.

BY COLE STEFFENSEN Assistant Social Chair

U “This fishing trip is going to be your Benghazi, Steve,” Obama whispered. “You will never live this down.”

BY SORA CHEE

A

Graphics Editor

ccording to a series of Daily Presidential Tracking Polls conducted this month by President Obama, the citizens of the United States are polling at a recordhigh disapproval rating of 68 percent, coincidentally following an unrelated Gallup approval poll on President Obama’s job performance conducted by the American people, which also reported a record-high disapproval rating of 68 percent.

The Daily Presidential Polls revealed that President Obama disapproves of 68 percent of each individual citizen’s everyday life choices, unhealthy lifestyle, and lazy attitudes, the highest level reported since the United States of America topped the world obesity rate ranking in 2013. On the other hand,

the Gallup poll found that an equal percentage of Americans disapprove of the President’s ability to lead a nation struck with recession, unemployment, and healthcare issues; his ability to balance work and family life as an average president of America; and his ability to make and carry out his promises.

“But if the American people really got their act together, it’d be so much easier to do my job,” President Obama commented in a follow-up survey. However, citizen John Becker, 41, retorted: “Well, if Obama got his shit together, others would at least have jobs!”

Amidst the botched rollout of the Healthcare.gov website, President Obama indefinitely postponed all budget meetings for Obamacare and focused his immediate attention on personally conducting a na-

tionwide study to see how well Obamacare was understood. The recently completed study found that at least 40 percent of the US population understood that the term “Obamacare” is, in fact, a careful combination of his last name “Obama” and the second portion of the word “healthcare.”

In response to Obama’s evaluation of the American people, CNN executives unveiled “unprecedented, unfiltered” two-hour coverage of live Twitter opinion polls.

These polls highlighted the issues CNN considered both the nation’s most pressing and unalienating to its “apathetic demographic.” One of the most revealing Twitter polls, asking “Do you approve of the President’s choice of vegetables for the Congressional Dinner?,” garnered 39 percent approval, 50 percent disapproval, and 11 percent

PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN

invalid entry, composed of incoherent rantings about the president’s involvement in Benghazi.

As a follow-up, Obama participated in a self-opinion Twitter poll, “Do you approve of citizen Melisa Boyle’s choice of vegetables for last Lasagna Friday?” and rated his disapproval at 71 percent. Sources speculate that Obama’s strong disapproval stemmed from his not being invited to Lasagna Friday in the first place.

The latest poll asking how the president is doing with rating approval polls found that 50 percent of Americans strongly approved while the other 50 percent of Americans strongly disapproved.

President Obama used this critical information to launch five more nationwide studies examining the ambivalent nature of the American people, including himself.

The MQ’s Springtime Book Club

Tired of reading the Wikipedia articles for the same books over and over again so that you’ll have something to talk about with your friends? Sick of thumbing through the dictionary and not finding the plot as compelling as it once was? Read these new spring releases before Oprah discovers them and every schmuck has a copy. We think you’ll love them — but don’t take our word for it.

Let Clippy show you the light in this witty and whimsical romp through the paths to success, formats for progress, and fonts of joy. Clippy’s practical advice guided us through some of our toughest times. Just Control-Z.

C San Diego’s FitLife organization has introduced a new series of wellness and exercise classes that mix traditional exercise programs with being chased by an ax-wielding murderer.

Announced at an information session earlier in the month, the classes are aimed at students who have previously faced difficulties with motivation, especially during the winter months.

The program focuses mainly on cardio in addition to moderate weight lifting, harnessing the power of lifeor-death terror as a means to push participants past their regular, everyday limits. By using an ax or other sharp weapon, UCSD FitLife hopes to inspire students to “run like they’ve never run before — like their lives depend on it.

Because, well, maybe they do.”

Classes have been added for next quarter, but the preliminary test group has already produced substantial results.

All of the program’s participants have reported some degree of weight loss or increased their muscle mass. In a particularly outstanding case, one student lost 45 pounds, though FitLife has labelled it an outlier, as the student lost most of the weight after ax wound complications led to the amputation of his leg. “Such dramatic weight loss, though fantastic, is neither usual nor expected,” warned FitLife.

Kerri Rivers, head trainer of the new program, noted that the class’ success comes from its around-the-clock schedule.

“The difference between our new program and other, more traditional fitness classes is that our new ax

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

class never ends,” Rivers said.

“You may go to a cycling class every Tuesday, or a yoga class on Thursdays, but our class is always happening, with our trainers ready to jump out and brandish an ax, or even a chainsaw at participants at any given moment.

“Middle of the night? In class? Back at home in San Jose? You’re not safe. You’re not safe anywhere,” added Rivers, visibly salivating.

The Chase You With an Ax rec class also offers valuable advice on dieting and meaningful lifestyle changes. One student, for example, took to the eucalyptus grove on campus to avoid the trainers, and with self-discipline imparted by the program, ate only squirrel meat and eucalyptus leaves for over a month, began running 5-minute miles, reduced their BMI to 14, and suffered only mild complications from dehydration and diarrhea.

“I feel so fit, toned, and constantly in a state of mindcrushing terror,” said the student, fourth-year Jenna Holmstead. “I’m definitely ready for beach weather! Wait, did you hear something just now?”

Additionally, the program includes a buy-up plan that extends the range of options available to participants.

Chainsaws, maces, and samurai swords are all available, along with a “mystery bag” option that licenses the trainers to use any weapon from their personal collection.

“I think the best part about the program is that it reminds me to always find time for fitness,” added Holmstead. “Like when the trainer bust into my sister’s wedding with a chainsaw. I just had to put down everything and run — no excuses, no time to think, just fitness.”

TOP TEN

Similarities Between the Pope and Shamu

We assume Ishmael’s pursuit of his white whale was in error, but is he perhaps the victim of a cruel, selfish world and a savage, dickish animal? Dr. Harrison explores this question and more in her Pulitzer Prizenominated critique.

Henry Bennet takes us on an exciting journey through time and space, pushing us to redefine our ideas of nativism, phone booths, and definitions.

“A Pynchonesque work of staggering magnitude.”

– The New Yorker

The New York Times’ “non-fictional” bestselling story of how one conservative political pundit went from hosting a show on Fox News to committing multiple homicides and one murder-suicide.

10. The new ones are OK with gay marriage 9. Just dolphins in fancier clothing 8. Those white things on their heads are not the eyes 7. Not explicitly mentioned in the Bible 6. There are likely less than 50,000 of either alive today 5. Both are mascots of much larger and backwards organizations 4. Share homologous pelvic girdles as evolutionary remnants 3. Would die in the wild within one year if they were set free 2. Neither are native Italian speakers 1. Have caused more deaths than the public would like to admit THE MQ

A tale of the rise of American Kings through blood, oil, and trans fat, Conroy’s “Lord of the Fries” presents the savage history of one of the United States’ largest and most brutal markets: the fast food industry.

Malcolm Gladwell follows his “David and Goliath” with an exploration of how we know what we know, numbers, and polls by navigating the complex patterns, purling, and warmth of America’s coziest garment.

Collectively a jack of all trades.

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

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Bad Speller Discovers Meaning of Red Squiggles on His Paper

POINT

I Can’t Wait to Honor St. Paddy’s Day the Right Way

BY PATRICK SMITH

Area Bro t’s that time of year again when the Guinness flows forth from the tap, the bodacious red-heads come out of the woodwork, and the smell of the upcoming spring break fills the air. That’s what everyone likes to think at least, but some people don’t really take the time to appreciate the true meaning of Saint Patrick’s Day: copious amounts of alcohol and friendship.

It’s so admirable that that little leprechaun man spent his whole life dedicated to bringing joy to others in his little green top hat and shoes, going door-to-door to give poor people gold and good luck.

What a cool dude. We really need to show our appreciation for that, man. I’m really going to try and do it right this year, give him the justice he deserves. I couldn’t think

I

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“Now if only I knew why there are all these red circles,” said Ord.

BY LAWRENCE LEE

Assistant Graphics Editor

T

hird year Revelle student Drew Ord recently discovered that the red squiggles on his word-processed humanities essays signified spelling mistakes.

Having failed five previous humanities courses and on track to fail his sixth, Ord finally found the root of his poor essay grades to be his ignorance of spell-check.

Ord has been using Microsoft Word since the third grade and thought he “has it mastered totally.”

“This was a really shocking revelation, you know? I mean, how I am supposed to know what those stupid red lines are?” Ord defended.

This revelation came when

Ord read the comments on the first essay he wrote for HUM 1 in winter quarter of his first year. He received the paper in a chance encounter with his previous TA for that class.

“I knew I was really good at writing, so I never have to take my essay when they’re handed back,” Ord said, shrugging his shoulders.

Ord’s HUM 1 teacher’s assistant, Graham Balmer, has kept Ord’s first paper since he graded it.

“It was just so fraught with spelling errors that I never forgot him or his essay,” said Balmer in an interview on Ridge Walk. “So when I saw him in Revelle, I just had to bring him to my office and give it back to him.

“He deserves to know.

What? No, that’s not creepy,”

added Balmer, quickening his walking pace.

Ord then took the essay home and compared it to his saved Microsoft Word document. He proceeded to find that all the red squiggles directly corresponded to words Balmer had underlined and commented on.

The comments ranged from “spelling error” in the introductory paragraph to “please just hit F7 (it’s between F6 and F8)” in one of the body paragraphs to “Holy shit, are you using Notepad?” in the conclusion.

Greg Ledocks, Ord’s estranged father, confirmed his son’s apparent deficiency.

“I think it might be a genetic thing, because he’s been unable to spell from when he was born. That’s definitely not

normal,” said Ledocks. “All the other kids responded well when the daycare teachers put red squiggles underneath their letter blocks.”

With his newfound knowledge, Ord is keeping his attitude constructive and humble.

“It’s a little saddening to realize that Microsoft have been pulling my legs all these years, but I can deal with it,” he said. “A lot of people would be brought down by this, but I’m better than them.”

Still, Ord maintained confidence in his ability to rise above his peers in future essays.

“At least I have an early registration time than most other HUM students do,” he mused, “Those freshmen in HUM 2 next quarter were never gonna know what hit them.”

Silicon Valley Dark Arts Tycoon Proposes to Split California into Seven States

of a better way to celebrate the spirit of the Irish than by drowning in babes and Irish Car Bombs with a few of my closest bros. I mean, that’s what ol’ Paddy would have wanted, you know, to share that love with people around you and stuff. Plus I get a chance to wear that really cool “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt my best friend bought for me last year. I’m totally going to score with that shit. It’ll be the best night ever!

COUNTERPOINT

I Can’t Wait to Convert These Sinners in Their Drunken Haze

BY SAINT PATRICK An Apparition

S

ing praises and joy! Hark the heralds! Glory, glory, hallelujah! God has sent me back to his gracious and blessed Earth to fulfill my final role: to drop in on this podunkass bar and talk these drunken blubbering idiots into living a life of light and truth. Blah blah blah, heal the heathens.

Like, really, Holy Father, after I dedicated my entire goddamn life to baptizing hundreds of people and converting an entire island to follow your path?

You just HAD to go and leave me to play babysitter to these drunken idiots. Thanks, man.

Thanks. Like I really want to spend an eternity off dealing with all these bros shaming all my hard work and the Emerald Isle’s good namesake.

Ugh. Hopefully it’ll go pretty

fast. I’ll just pop in, appear in a vision to these poor souls of the modern age, and quickly convert them to the one true faith before like midnight or so. Because I kind of have some REAL things I need to get done tomorrow and I don’t want to be out too late dealing with this crap. Maybe I can fool them all with that mystical snake stuff again. Can’t go wrong with that one, really.

TOP FIFTEEN

Signs Your Hamster Is Dead

“The Boy Who Lived. How lies have fed your legend, Bill,” hissed Jobs.

BY KYLE TRUJILLO

Assistant Design Editor

E

arlier last week, Silicon Valley businessman and multimillionaire Jim Dipper introduced a ballot proposal to split California into seven new states. As a major investor in the burgeoning dark arts scene in Silicon Valley and the founder of several potion and curse development companies based there, Dipper has the financial clout to publicize his ambitious vision, if not the political clout to make it a reality.

“As it is, California is ungovernable. This is really the safest way to preserve California as a whole,” said Dipper in an interview. “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but certain forces have made their intentions to pollute and murder California clear. Under my plan, these subversives would face seven powerful states instead of one.”

In his plan, Dipper references the locations of six additional new state capitols and several candidates from

existing county commissions to organize the new states. He has promised to fund everything, from the desks to the stationery, that the hypothetical legislators would use. “I want to make it clear that I’m only proposing this because I love California. I feel like I want to share a little piece of my soul with every new state,” explained Dipper.

Legally, no matter how unusual the ballot proposition, the Secretary of State and the Legislative Analysts’ Office must release a report to voters on a bill’s potential economic impacts, and, while Dipper claims the new states will empower all Californians, economic analysis has revealed that major differences would arise between the proposed states.

Silicon Valley, home to several of Dipper’s first companies, would become the richest state in the nation, but would also be a net importer of water. In terms of education, this new state would require half the state aid per pupil as the other Californias, partly

because of high property taxes.

Meanwhile “Jefferson,” with its tiny tax base, would become one of the poorest states in the nation. Nevertheless, this is where the proposal has found some of its staunchest supporters: The Siskiyou County Board of Supervisors has already raised a small army of volunteers, styling themselves the “Jeff Eaters” in honor of the proposed state, to publicize Dipper’s online campaign.

“We’re tired of having our agenda set by Brown and his posse of liberal mudbloods,” said one enthusiastic volunteer outside a courthouse meeting on Saturday. “I want my children raised in Jefferson, where they’ll know real freedom.”

A spokesperson for the office of Governor Jerry Brown has called the proposed plan “a ridiculous waste of time and taxpayer dollars.” Other independent analysts have scoffed at the plan, claiming that even if the states were financially viable, Congress would never agree to such an ambitious increase of representation from one state.

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Still, Dipper is unfazed by the fact that much of this campaign and its vitriolic support have been met with so much skepticism.

“People need to see the bigger picture here. No one’s proposing any kind of violence against people of nonmagical birth,” Dipper assured journalists in a public response. “We all know what happened with those awful plans in the UK. But this proposal separates populations that just shouldn’t mix, and it’s better for everyone.”

Whether or not the proposal passes, Dipper has promised to build an underground reservoir that would collect rainwater in a yetundisclosed location in Silicon Valley. “This reservoir will drastically reduce the Valley’s drinking water needs,” said an enthusiastic Dipper. “The water will be enchanted with a special spell so that it cannot be evaporated, only drunk.”

Refusing to answer further questions, the eccentric tycoon then disapparated with a high, cold laugh.

15. A translucent floating hamster keeps following you around 14. People have stopped saying mean things about it 13. You give it plenty of water and sunshine, and it still won’t sprout 12. You inherited a bunch of pellets 11. Not quick enough to avoid the blades of the garbage disposal 10. It drank from the water you poisoned last night 9. Earlier today you heard a tiny, faint rendition of “Danny Boy” 8. It didn’t scamper away after you dropped it on the floor 7. Made the Pac-Man beep sound, flashed twice 6. A hamster in a tiny military uniform showed up to your door holding a triangularly-folded American flag 5. Your mom called to say it ran away 4. The hamster surgeon took off its tiny green mask and shook its head 3. The price of its art has skyrocketed 2. Its hamster family got all dressed in black 1. It’s floating belly-up in its fish bowl

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March 12, 2014

Police Say Students Can Stay Safe by “Being a Ferocious Bear”

Brave Five-Year-Old, American Hero, Runs around Community Pool

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“Mr. President, how do you feel about the ever rising numbers of dropouts in inner cities?” Templeton asked. “Also what is your favorite dinosaur? Mine is a stegosaurus. RARRRRRGH!”

BY TREVOR MALONE

O If students are attacked, police instruct them to kick their assailant’s shins and then rip their throats out.

BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER AND KYLE TRUJILLO

Editor-in-Chief and Assistant Design Editor n response to recent events on campus, including a stabbing, a body found in a ravine, and Sun God 2013, the UCSD Police Department issued a report suggesting that the best possible way for students to avoid dangerous incidents on campus was to become a large, aggressive bear.

The report, which the department hopes will educate UCSD’s student body on simple, everyday ways to stay away from harm on campus, initially explores the feasibility and effectiveness of tactics like “always wearing a helmet,” “carrying a flashlight during the day, just in case,” and “installing tiny Wolverinelike blades under your fingertips.” UCSD Police Chief Kevin Hammond, however, said that while the early stages of the re-

I

search focused on these smaller changes, the department ultimately decided to recommend that students take the additional precaution of being a bear, “ideally a hungry, ferocious bear,” as the final report stipulates.

“Safety is everyone’s responsibility, so we’re just asking everyone to use common sense. Students need to be aware of the risks they take when they walk around campus at night when they aren’t bears,” Hammond said.

Addressing students, he added, “If you feel uncomfortable being a bear or calling a campus escort, you should consider asking a bear friend to accompany you.”

The report’s statistics support the recommended precaution — it found that on college campuses across the nation, violent attacks on bears were significantly less common than attacks on humans. Since UCSD was

founded in 1960, zero attacks on bears have been reported to both the UCSD Police Department and San Diego law enforcement. Analysts have speculated, however, that these figures may be slightly skewed by the tendency of bears not to report crimes.

To test the results of their report, the police department plans to unleash a colony of 40 bears onto UCSD’s campus and measure their rates of survival compared to human students. Like normal students, the bears will be allowed to attend lecture, purchase food at dining halls, and check books out from Geisel Library. Additionally, they will not be allowed to bring guests to Sun God. “We hypothesize that the bears, if ferocious enough, will have a high rate of survival compared to the average human student,” Hammond said. “Hopefully, if the control group of bears adapts well to

PHOTO BY TREVOR MALONE

campus, they’ll prove our theory right that students would do well to be bears.”

So far, students, like Muir College freshman Caitlin Llewyn, have been receptive to the police department’s plan.

“All those late nights I walked back to my dorm alone, pretending to talk on the phone for fear of a stranger approaching me, I could’ve just been a bear,” Llewyn said.

Of UCSD’s population of over 30,000 students, none are bears, according to the Office of the Registrar. The police department’s tentative plan will include various initiatives — including affirmative action for bear applicants — to ensure the highest possible amount of bears on campus.

“Even if not all students are bears, just having more of them around is going to make campus on the whole feel way safer,” Llewyn said.

Study Finds Babies Could Boost Share of Job Market by Improving Communication Skills

Publicity Chair

n a warm February day, five-year-old and Palm Springs native Billy Templeton got out of his community pool and valiantly started a nationwide revolution. Templeton began to run around the perimeter of the pool towards his mother, who only moments ago had told Billy she brought him “ants on a log,” and was reprimanded by 16-year-old lifeguard Chad Bukowski. In the face of such verbal abuse and oppression, Billy persevered and continued to run until being sent to the back corner of the snack bar for “time out” for approximately fifteen minutes.

After video of this incident was released online, showing Bukowski uttering such obscenities as “silly little baby” and “poo-poo head” to Billy, Templeton has become an overnight icon for civil disobedience and an American spirit of rebellion. Templeton’s harrowing tale first gained traction among domestic human rights groups, who advocated against the “cruel and unnecessary imprisonment” by Bukowski against the child.

Various social media outlets have been surging with support for Billy, with some declaring Billy to be a “Mini-Lincoln” while others have called for the trial of Bukowski for charges ranging from “being a general douche” to crimes against humanity and treachery.

In his first public appearance last Tuesday following

the incident, Billy stressed a sense of modesty as well as a fiery spirit, unextinguished by his past hardships. Billy commented, “The funny man with the white bird doodie on his face was very not nice but my mommy told me to not say sorry and then I get new Legos.

I’m gonna get the pirate ones with the big shark!”

Further questioning was stopped by Mrs. Templeton, who insisted it was “nap time.” Although support for the “Mini-Lincoln” has been nationally spread, no political figure has taken such a strong stance as that of President Obama, who in a press release Thursday hailed Templeton as “a reason to believe in the enduring spirit of rugged individualism this country was founded on.”

“When I look at Billy, I see not a normal five year old, but a much shorter version of myself,” the president said.

The acclaim for Templeton has not stopped at verbal praise. Palm Springs Parks Department Chairman Rodrigo Torrez has advocated for the opening of the “Billy Templeton Memorial Pool” in honor of the five-year-old through an online petition with over 200,000 signatures. Torrez describes the pool as “a testament to the American spirit of rebellion while honoring a figure who reminds us all of such founding values in a modern world.” The shape of the pool is reported to be that of Billy’s face superimposed onto the body of a bald eagle.

BY BRANDON EHLERT

Distribution Captain recently released study by the American Board of Employment has brought to light evidence suggesting that the reason for the near-zero percent employment levels among Americans aged two and younger is due to their lack of communication skills.

The study, which found that employees valued communication skills more than any other trait among prospective employees, has led experts to conclude that if infants intend to stay competitive in a changing job market, they will need to improve their ability to communicate, at least to parity with sullen teenagers. Area CEOs seem to agree with the study’s findings.

“When you’re running a small business, communication between every single employee is absolutely key,” local car dealership owner Harrison Gilroy said. “And I’m not discriminating — of the babies I’ve hired, none have been up to par with that skill set.”

Of the employers who participated in this survey, nine percent claimed loyalty was a more important trait than communication skills, while another six percent refused to take the survey because they thought it was a scam. However, 85 percent of employers said that communications skills were the most important skill for an applicant.

Rod Sweeney, CEO of Qualcomm Inc., explains his opinion, stating, “I mean, we are a freakin’ communications company.”

Shortly after Sweeney’s interview, the office experi-

Corrections

A

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“I know how to make a McFlurry,” the cashier said. “Do I look like I was born yesterday?” enced a code-red situation when Department of Hand Gesture Communications and Development director 15-month-old Adam Perrelli misinterpreted a fellow employee’s recently-developed prototype gesture and ended up destroying three office cubicles in the process.

The Qualcomm explosion, according to Weaponized Communication Analyst for the U.S. Department of Defense Sergeant Tom Wilford, is evidence that putting babies in the workplace is high-risk.

“If two employees at Qualcomm blew up three cubicles attempting hand-gesture communication, imagine the kind of damage that would occur with ‘googoogaga,’ ‘waaaaaaa,’ ‘bubba pluz,’ as well as added hand gestures,” Wilford said. “The hand gestures have already proven a 3-cubicle damage rate; God

only knows what damage these babies could do by accident with their guttural slang.”

American parents, including local mother of twins Sue Winters, have expressed concern that their children’s lack of communication skills make them unemployable.

“It’s hard enough for adults to get jobs these days, and who knows what things will be like when these two smoochie-goos are ready to spread their wings and go out into the world!” Winters said.

Actions are being taken to help babies everywhere improve their communication skills. One popular trend is the Baby Talking School (BTS), a franchise that is taking the nation by storm. The company’s slogan is “For infants, By infants,” and founder Gregory Sams is 18 months old.

“I had the epiphany to start this school when my fa-

ther lost his job,” Sams said.

“It became clear to me that if us babies did not step up, we would surely be walked on by giants. My goal is to get every infant in America speaking in full and coherent sentences by the time they are two. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I made a poopy, so I need to have my mom exchange my current diaper for a new one.”

BTS and Sams’ concepts of learning and development may prove popular, but at press time, infants still held fewer than 50 jobs total in the United States.

“The pockets of employment success among America’s youth are reassuring to see,” Director of Youth Communication Studies at the American Board of Employment John Ritter explained.

“But the sad truth is that most are really just a bunch of stupid babies.”

Last issue we implied that John Boehner had committed a variety of fetishized murders.

We have learned only a few of those allegations were valid.

Last issue, we implied diphallia was the norm for human males. Our editor had a lot to discover about himself and others.

In a feature concerning the AVN awards, we misspelled the name of famed actor Leonardo DiCaprio as “Leonardo DeCaprio.” We are sorry for any confusion we may have caused our readers.

Last issue we implied Barack Obama was the 95th president. That was a math error on our part and by the projected time of the 95th president, all of the world will be united under an alien overlord and presidents will not exist.

Research has shown that Reese’s for breakfast is not illegal, though still not advisable.

Upon further inspection, our newsprint is not fireproof.

Caracas is not an outer borough of New York City.

Kiev is not a yogurt-based dessert.

We found out that bringing a picture of Marco Rubio to Rubio’s does not, contrary to last issue’s claim, serve as a two-for-one coupon on tacos.

At Subway, however, his picture does entitle you to one free cup of water.

We recently claimed the war in Afghanistan had ended.

We have learned that, in fact, it is still ongoing, even after 12 years of fighting. Isn’t that crazy?

Last week, we yelled at a pizza delivery guy for bringing us the wrong order when it was, in fact, our pizza. We’re sorry, Greg.

We accidentally printed an entire article in Spanish in a recent issue. Lo sentimos.

THE MQ

A new group of people to reinvent yourself with.

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

March 12, 2014

theMQ.org

Page 11

Obama Admin. Rolls Out Kissand-Make-It-Better Healthcare

Area Man Celebrates Fifth Year Training for Olympics

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“He trains so hard every day,” said one neighbor. “Running, eating salads in place of Twinkies, even drinking water in place of gin.”

BY BRANDON EHLERT

A PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

Serious injuries may require a little tongue.

BY JESSI CARR

Foreign Correspondent

F

ollowing recent backlash from both the Republican Party and millions of Americans who will still struggle to receive adequate, affordable healthcare under the Affordable Care Act, President Obama announced a new, improved plan last Tuesday in a press conference entitled the Kiss-and-MakeIt-Better plan.

“My fellow Americans,” Obama stated. “I, uh, am glad to announce that we have finally come to a conclusion on what has been a divisive issue in our country for, uh, far too long. Today, I am proud to say that at last, we, uh, have come to an agreement on how we can best serve both the hardworking, taxpaying citizens of the

United States of America and the, uh, Members of Congress who refuse to divert that tax money into what they believe is a ‘goddamn socialist machine.’”

He went on to reveal the newest adjustment to his healthcare reform, developed by a House committee over the past six months, which consists of forgoing many costly but highly effective traditional treatments — such as antibiotics, surgery, or basic hospital care — in favor of an older, anecdotal treatment used for generations by frazzled housewives and disinterested babysitters: kissing to make it better.

Despite the previous problems with the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, such as the botched launch of the Healthcare.gov website and the millions of

Americans who earn too little to easily afford a private insurance plan but too much to be covered by state-funded Medicaid, the administration is confident that this new plan will once and for all be able to serve the country in a cheap, efficient manner.

“And almost none of the studies were done, uh, using anything remotely resembling real scientific research, which was a huge sticking point for the GOP,” Obama added.

The reform is set to start by mid-summer, and the nation will see drastic changes in their healthcare providers when this occurs. Preliminary plans include implementing trained boo-boo kissers in emergency rooms nationwide in order to first provide the treatment to those who would otherwise incur high-cost, high-risk

medical treatment. By December, Americans should be able to receive kisses from any doctor of their choosing, be it a specialist or a general practitioner.

Despite the seemingly simple methods behind it, the FDA is warning against untrained smooching of injuries, as improper dosage and usage can be damaging to health. However, this warning is not stopping everyone.

“I can’t believe this is what I’ve been needing all along,” said Millicent Baker, a 76-year-old resident of Pensacola, Florida, whose husband Gerald is currently undergoing cancer treatment. “All this time my Gerry and I have been barely scraping by on his pension check trying to afford his chemo pills, but it turns out all he’s needed is a big, wet one from me on his prostate.”

BRIEF ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND AREA GHOST JUST FEELS SO INVISIBLE Local apparition Irene Williams, ghost of former San Diego Elementary schoolteacher Irene Williams (18871946), told media outlets that recently, she has been feeling neglected by her usual haunting subjects.

“I just feel like nobody is noticing me at all,” said Williams. “I’ve tried all of my usual tricks — moving a vase, making a picture fall from the wall, levitating people out of their beds as they sleep — and I’ve gotten practically no reaction!”

Williams is also concerned about the portrayal of phantasms in recent ghost films such as “Paranormal Activity,” “Paranormal Activity 2,” and most recently, “Casper the Friendly Ghost” and “Paranormal Activity 4,” which Williams claims create unrealistic standards for today's young spookies.

Williams lost credibility when prominent figures in the spirit community deemed her performances “lacking in presence” and “transparent.”

“Monsters may be able to shift to laughter as an alternate energy source, but ghosts? We’re not that versatile. Screaming and haunting is all we have,” Williams said.

Williams’ outcries have made waves on ghost social media sites like Hauntr and WraithBook, where a movement has grown internationally for recognition of spirits.

Leaders of the movement called for a “Move Items a Few Inches when the Humans Aren’t Looking — for freedom!” parade to be held at the end of the month in the abandoned hospital.

FRESHMAN ALREADY KHOSLA SUGGESTS DRINKING IN CASH-STRAPPED PREPARATION FOR STUDENTS “CONSUN GOD SIDER SELLING THEIR SUMMER HOMES” Fullerton native and

UCSD first-year Jack Sanderson is reportedly channeling his excitement for his first time at annual music and arts festival, Sun God, by beginning drinking in what he refers to as a “prepre-pre-pre-pre-game.”

Sanderson has been preparing since the 100th day before the festival by constantly keeping a “light buzz” until the clock strikes midnight on the day of the festival. Sanderson has commented that his drinking has cost him an average of $10 a day, mostly on his favorite Bud Light Cran-Brrr-itas, and has resulted in at least three stomach pumpings due to constant exposure to alcohol poisoning, which he hopes will give him a “slammin’ festival body.”

“I know Sun God is the biggest day of the year and I want to make sure it’s fun as fuck,” said Sanderson.

“I never really drank before this, so it’s taking a while to get used to it.”

Sanderson regards these events as just another step he has to take to “thoroughly enjoy the best day of the year.”

“I am adopting a dogma referred to as ‘YOLO,’ popularized among teenage youths on the internet,” Sanderson commented. Although he is sacrificing his liver along with his academics by showing up drunk to every class, he confirms that it is worth it for this one day of fun.

In a keynote speech at Tuesday night’s 50th Annual Seaside Kelp Conservation Fundraising Gala, UCSD Chancellor Pradeep Khosla proposed that students “consider selling their summer homes” following Gov. Jerry Brown’s warning that the UC system will face massive tuition hikes as California continues to fall into a massive statewide deficit.

“Coastal UC campuses have lost multiple, multimillion dollar research institutions,” Khosla announced.

“To make up for the loss of these revenue-producing hard-hitters, we recommend students trade their summer ocean views for a panoramic look into their textbook, as the UC system can no longer fund the popular Clambakewith-a-Prof program.”

Students and administrators have both had to adjust to the severe budget shortfall.

Oceanview Lounge has replaced its floor-to-ceiling glass windows with flat HD television screens showing images of the gated La Jolla mansion community the dining hall once overlooked.

Meanwhile, first-year Muir student Sarah Fong followed Chancellor Khosla’s advice.

“The Chancellor earns $400 grand per year, so like, duh, I’m taking his advice,” explained Fong, “my shorefront Santa Cruz beach house sold for $300,000 over the asking price, and that goes to show that real estate is a zero-sum game, and I’m in it to win it.”

PHONE DYING ALARMINGLY FAST DURING LECTURE Sophomore Becky Stevenson was alarmed to find that her iPhone was dying “much quicker than usual” during her BILD 1 lecture last Wednesday.

Stevenson noticed that her phone’s battery percentage had dropped five percent more than normal while she was scrolling through her Facebook newsfeed for the fifth time, and trying to beat her high score in Bejeweled Pro earned during the her great grandfather's wake.

“I kind of panicked, you know?” Stevenson said after she left the lecture. “I tried to stay calm and do everything I was taught to do in case of emergency — I lowered screen brightness, I closed some of the apps I wasn’t using — but it kept losing juice!”

“It just keeps going,” she said, frantically. “I don’t understand, why can’t I stop it?

Why is it that each instant follows the other, in this unrelenting stream of moments that leave me with nothing but a few passing memories and the growing wrinkles around my eyes.

Why is it that moments of quiet leave my mind with thoughts of my own terrifying solitude? Oh God, oh God, I need to start Flappy Bird again."

At press time, Stevenson was performing “desperate measures” to save her phone, such as turning on airplane mode and actually paying attention to the lecture for once, which she quickly realized was the incorrect one.

Distribution Captain

celebratory atmosphere overtook North Clairemont Wednesday, as the neighborhood threw a party for local resident Thomas Wrightbrook in honor of his fifth year of training to compete in track for the 2016 Summer Olympics.

“Thomas is well-known around the neighborhood for his strict training regimen,” explained long-time neighbor Linda Halli. “Every morning, he rises at 6 a.m., puts on his running shoes and that cute little outfit, and jogs off down the street. He comes back about an hour later, sweaty and looking fit!”

The surrounding neighbors all concurred that Wrightbrook follows the routine strictly, with some even criticizing Wrightbrook for being too engrossed in his training. Jean Feldman, Wrightbrook’s neighbor three doors down and across the street to the left, stated that Wrightbrook often takes his daily workout to the extremes.

“When his wife was pregnant with their second daughter, her water broke at 6 a.m. I had to drive her to the hospital because Tom wanted to go on his damn run,” Feldman said.

Feldman added that Wrightbrook later defended his behavior, saying that “labor lasts, on average, around six hours,” so he would have “plenty of time to get to the hospital before the baby [came] out.”

Feldman is not the only one to have noticed Wrightbrook’s extreme behavior. Lucretia and Al Smitty, a couple that lives on Magnolia, two doors past the Smith residence on the right, noticed shipments of goods consistently arriving at Wrightbrook’s door. Lucretia elaborated, saying, “This UPS truck drives up, and a guy gets out and leaves a cardboard box on Tommy’s front porch. This happens at least twice a year, probably more! I don’t know… it just seems suspicious. He has either been ordering a lot of running shoes on Amazon or is a hoarder.”

Despite these observations, the neighbors also explained that they realized the life of an Olympian must be difficult, and that it requires the daily commitment that Wrightbrook embraces.

“Why else would he go running every morning?

That’s not the type of thing any old Shmoe just does,” said Nick Potter, the bachelor who also lives on Magnolia, but on the Oakhurst end of the street near the Porters.

“We fully support Thomas’ efforts for Rio, which is why we planned this surprise block party for him. We all can’t wait to see his reaction! Especially since he’s never told anyone his dreams. He’s gonna be so surprised that we figured out his secret,” said Potter.

Some of the neighbors have even been inspired by Wrightbrook’s strive for gold.

Barbara Caravall, well-known for her appearance on "The Biggest Loser," described the changes in her lifestyle that Wrightbrook inspired, saying, “I actually walk places now!

And just last week, I bought a whole head of Romaine lettuce at Vons!”

At this point, Wrightbrook appeared coming up the street, and the neighbors all prepared for “the moment they had been waiting for.” When Wrightbrook arrived, his initial reaction was “What the hell is this?”

This prompted a collaborative neighborhood explanation of the purpose of the party.

“Wow, this is incredibly awkward. I just really love to run…so I go on a daily run… a normal, morning run. Sorry, guys. I didn’t mean to make you think I was an Olympian,” Wrightbrook said.

“I mean, we’re all obviously disappointed, but it is still impressive that Thomas goes running every morning,” said Wrightbrook’s wife, who was also evidently unaware that Wrightbrook’s runs weren’t part of an Olympic training regimen. “It takes a high level of dedication and selfdiscipline to go running so frequently and to stay in such great shape that your neighborhood thinks you are going to the Olympics. He says that he hopes to keep running for the rest of his life.”

Morale for fitness also seemed to remain strong, as Caravall later said, “I don’t care that Tommy isn’t going to the Olympics. The bottom line is that he saved my life, and he inspired the entire neighborhood to live healthier and to never stray from your dreams.

I will still continue to purchase Romaine lettuce from Vons.”

TOP TEN

Skills and Achievements to Boost Your Resume 10. Semi-fluent in Spanish, señor 9. Can name over 50 types of dinosaurs 8. Level 13 wizard 7. Never had braces 6. Apartment-wide Chubby Bunny Tournament champ, four years running 5. 2006 Time Person of the Year 4. Good kisser 3. Texts at 60 words per minute 2. Natural follower 1. Acquitted

Page 12

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March 12, 2014

get shredded with the mq We’ve all been there — you have a strenuous physical activity to perform soon, but you’re not sure you’ve got the strength to pull it off. And, uh oh, it’s next week! You need to get shredded, and fast. Never fear; we’ve consulted with sports’ hottest new trainer to get some of his secrets that are too intense for the Marines and the FDA.

The Zero Excuses/Hope Workout This workout will leave your muscles dazed, confused, and begging for mercy. 45 minutes a day is all you need to achieve peak physical condition and mental enlightenment.

1. Warm Up Sprint until you puke. \Jump rope in quicksand for 15 minutes.

Meet the Trainer:

2. Workout

Hello, I’m Boulder, and I’ve been helping people get shredded for the last 15 years. I’m 5’9”, 250 pounds, with a body fat percentage of what-are-you-kiddingme? Since I graduated high school (don’t bother with those kinesiology brainiacs; they worry about nonsense like “rest periods” and “safety”), I’ve been working out 16 hours a day because I love it. The rest of it I spend networking and taking micronaps to make the most out of my days.

The bookmarks on my web browser are Men’s Health, Crossfit (those pansies), CrossfitMingle, and Chest and Back Mingle. I like to take long sprints on the beach and drink raw eggs for maximum nutrient absorption, and I’ve never not made a gain a day in my life. My body aspirations are Jason Statham, Bane, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

The Leg Ruiner:

The Sisyphus:

Do 6 squats at 115% of your single rep max.

Flip a tractor tire up a hill.

Do 200 lunges.

Let it fall back to the bottom.

Tear your ACL so it heals back stronger. Repeat until you feel like you’re in pure hell.

Do this cycle 4 times.

The Pec Punisher:

The Atlas:

Do 10 handstand pushups.

Bench press at single rep max.

Repeat until hospitalization.

After they discharge you, NEXT!

Bench press the Earth.

3. Cooldown Do a half marathon.

JUST KIDDING. FULL MARATHON. Then do a half-marathon cooldown.

The Titanium-Man Spartan Workout

Mother-Baby CrossFit

The Ironman and Spartan races are getting a lot of credit as the peak of physical endurance, but this workout is going to bring you to a whole new level.

This easy beginner workout not only helps mothers work exercise into a busy schedule, but also sets their kids right up on the Sacred Eight Swole Paths.

1. Warm Up

1. Warm Up

Do an Ironman.

Do an Ironman again.

Start with a 20-minute jog while your baby does a brisk crawl.

2. Workout Swim four miles through mud.

If you pass out, do another 150 burpees Perform 150 Burpees while holding as punishment when you wake up. your breath.

Run a 100 yard sprint over hot coals; the fresher the better.

2. Workout Do 2 sets of 14 overhead squats.

Do 10 chest to bar pullups.

Your baby does weighted bicycle kicks and assisted pullups.

Toddlers over 10 months old can work independently.

Do 2 rounds of deadlift kettlebells using Finish with abs: your baby as a kettlebell.

Do Russian twists weighted by your baby while Your baby should also be doing kettlebells. your baby does crunches.

Check your baby’s form as their spine tends not to be fully formed and they may get sloppy.

3. Cooldown Take a light two-hour spin class.

Call up my friend, Typhoon — he does Windripper classes Monday, Wednesday, Friday at the Y.

3. Cooldown Do Bikram Yoga with your baby.

Drink Muscle Milk, Breast Muscle Milk respectively.

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