Fun Sports Snow golf taking world by storm as enthusiasts worldwide flock to year-round course ‘Nippy links’

Hugh Morris, staff

It has recently come to the attention of the Ivory Buffalo that a novel golf course has been constructed just a touch south of Fox Mine, Man.

The course, dubbed ”Nippy Links,” has been generating considerable buzz among local golf enthusiasts whilst growing in popularity at the national level as well.

However, Nippy Links is far from a conventional Manitoban golf course, as it’s open year-round.

“Golf in northern Manitoba yearround? That’s preposterous,” you might say.

Indeed, your robust and fearless reporter Hugh Morris thought so, too. Naturally, he then went to check it out.

The following is a most sincere report of what he saw and experienced.

The drive to Nippy Links was very, very long and necessitated the traversing of several ice roads, which, though remarkably intrepid, Hugh Morris must admit, he found rather frightening.

Nonetheless, after wending his way through a thicket of trees on a virtually non-navigable road, he spotted the club house. It struck him as a kind of hot spring oasis surrounded by a desert of ice and snow.

After settling in and unloading his clubs, through much persuasion and an irresistibly roguish charm, your own Hugh Morris managed to secure an in- terview with the innovative mind behind Nippy Links, one Inbee Ru.

“Well, you see,” Ru explained, “it all came to me quicker than you can say ‘Jack Robinson!’ Up here where Nippy is there’s just so much land, so much space. And the first time I came up here, I thought, ‘I wonder how far I could hit my driver,’ and, you know, the rest is history.”

History, indeed. The course boasts 18 “professional-grade” holes, a quaint warming shack after the 11th, and delectable food items ranging from sweet “candied-cod” to Ru’s famous “paprika-infused-porcupine.”

Nippy Links also holds the exclusive rights to the only snow carts in existence, which are truly a spectacular sight. They comprise the top half of a regular golf cart, but instead of wheels, they whir around the course using ski-tracks.

Nippy Links employees can be seen cruising around on these nouveau snow carts clad in elk-skin coats, attempting to sell you peppermint hot chocolate at exorbitant prices.

Your spirited reporter played only 13 of 18 holes, for his round was rudely interrupted by a most displeased looking polar bear whom he had the great misfortune of happening to chance upon.

That uncomfortable interaction notwithstanding, most of his balls were lost to the snowy depths of the course by that time, anyway.

Indisputably, the most popular hole at Nippy Links is the seventh. It’s a par three 180-yarder, exhibiting a possibly unique catch. The green is a frozen pond, making putting exceedingly difficult, and the hole is drilled out each morning.

Still, golfers willingly accept the loss of their ball to the watery confines below, for the experience is, as middle-aged tax attorney Glenda Boris put it, “unlike anything I’ve ever played before.”

After claiming a mulligan on the entire 11th hole, your dauntless reporter decided to peruse the aforementioned warming shack, which is incidentally situated very neatly beside a gigantic ice-sculpture of Tiger Woods’s infamous mug shot.

In the hut, your reporter engaged in hearty conversation with Chester Nick- laus, the CEO of a prospering Norwegian ice pick manufacturing company.

“There’s nothing else like this,” he said, “nowhere else can you have this experience, though it is a bit cold sometimes.”

When asked if the frigid temperatures detracted from his experience, Nicklaus said, “oh, I still love the game, but I just wish I could find my balls.”

Nonetheless, Mr. Nicklaus’s problems may soon be over, for your honey-lipped reporter also ascertained that Ru and her Nippy Links team are currently working on a prototype golf ball called the “flaming-gutty,” which will ostensibly melt whatever patch of snow it lands in, making it much easier to locate one’s ball.

However, Ru declined to comment on the potential timeline of the flaming-gutty’s development, saying, “what the hell, Morris! You’re not allowed in the board room!” before instructing a bevy of gruff gentlemen to escort your magnanimous reporter off the premises.

Emory Ferguson, staff

The University of Manitoba is shaking up Bison athletics this week, and it’s no wonder that both the student body and U of M sports teams are in a frenzy.

The U of M department of athletics has decided to replace all of the university’s student athletes with promisingly athletic students found around campus. According to inside sources, this move received the green light in an effort to make sports more inclusive going into the 202324 school year.

The U of M searched far and wide, looking for students that would fit the bill for this extreme switch. Nonetheless, Bison sports management had a few particulars in mind when looking for potential candidates for the shake up.

Track and field head coach Vance Webb detailed the attributes the head coaches were looking for in their potential new athletes.

“We were looking for students that could handle the incredible pressure and relentless grind of Bison athletics, and so naturally we scouted the students who could handle the Tier stairs in one go,” he said.

However, the decision isn’t popular with everyone.

Former student athlete Greggory Gunner does not approve of the changes.

“I just don’t think it’s fair,” he said. “These new student athletes are able to achieve feats we never could. How are we supposed to compete with people that can make it up the Tier stairs in one go?”

Nevertheless, as coach Webb leads the charge for this newly integrated form of sports, there doesn’t seem to be any regret.

Indeed, there have even been instances of fighting among some of the U of M coaches for the more promising students. Primarily, they are squabbling over who will get coveted and indispensable students that can make it up the menacing Tier stairs in just under 30 seconds.

One of the newly recruited student athletes, Lisa Madden, who was scouted on campus as she made her way up the notorious and seemingly impossible Tier steps in a single go, received a full-ride scholarship on the spot.

This is quite understandable, though, for it is almost unheard of to make it up all of the stairs in Tier without many breaks.

To top it off, Madden not only made it up the whole stairway, she did it in under 30 seconds a feat one could equate with climbing Mount Everest.

As the news of Madden’s singular trip up the Tier steps spread, a substantial rise in fighting among head coaches pining for Madden to compete for their team has occurred. ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

The fighting among head coaches these past few weeks have also led to a rise in pranks between once affable Bison sports teams. These pranks include jump scares, head coaches resorting to writing professional emails in the Wingdings (wingdings) font so as to avoid detection.

As per the Bison athletics’ recruitment page, some of the other attributes coaches are looking for in students are things like handling the lunch rush in University Centre without panicking, running from one side of campus to the other to be on time for class and being able to navigate the tunnels successfully by yourself.

As Bison athletics standards seem to be rising to astronomical heights, it’s no wonder head coaches are pranking each other on the off chance that it will give them an edge over their peers, as they all desperately try to recruit the few new students on campus who can match up to Bison athletics criteria.