i, a rich oil tycoon, don’t see the fuss about the climate crisis

I, William Byron IV, oil tycoon and heir of Byron Petro, am writing this to address the plague that has followed my family for decades: climate change.

Despite the efforts of many Twitter users and tree protestors, I will not be made to feel ashamed or apologize for my rather wealthy — some may argue shady background. Being the heir to an oil dynasty was once a revered and respectable occupation for a young man, but now it is looked down upon due to melting ice and talks of nepotism.

However, after much consideration and many lawsuits, I have decided to look further into this climate change matter. I think climate change was a hoax started by poor communists to stop wealthy people like me from exercising our God-given right to reap all the resources of the Earth.

After consulting with my other educated and wealthy oil colleagues and the Byron Petro PR team, I have concluded that climate change, hot weather internationally and more water is being blown out of proportion. The mass hysteria surrounding the phenomenon is needless, I must say. for the unfortunate to experience the vacation weather of the Southern Hemisphere that they would have been too poor to visit. The impoverished folk of cold climates might finally get to bask under the hot air that is reminiscent of Bora-Bora or Lake Como. That is doing more good than any money I could but do not donate to charity.

If reports are true, it is honestly not all that serious, so I don’t understand why everyone has their knickers in a twist.

I deplore the protestors outside Byron Petro headquarters and implore them to direct their attention toward a worthwhile cause that will actually be of benefit to humanity.

Thus, I urge global citizens to stop blaming my family for a minuscule change of nature and to look at the positives of the changing climate.

For one, climate change can serve as a great opportunity

With the melting of all the polar ice caps, think of all the new premium waterfront properties that will just fall into the laps of ungrateful simpletons. I own several waterfront properties worldwide and know the value, so trust me, simpletons, this is a good thing.

Although there are many benefits to climate change, I’m told there are some downsides that even my excessive sums of money and status can’t protect me from.

I, too, will surely suffer a great loss when my international waterfront properties flood. Although I will be upset to see my Hamptons property go, by developing a positive mindset I have come to realize that I have other properties that won’t flood. Also, I could just buy more waterfront properties. So, remember that we are all in this together.

However, I do extend my deepest condolences to those who don’t like heat and water. I do hope you get it sorted, but leave my family out of it and do invest in some swimming lessons.

Sincerely,

William Byron IV

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com