ivory insights

Tobias, staff

DEAR STRONG AND HANDSOME TOBIAS, Help! I have been forced to write the advice column for the Manitoban for months now. I have to respond to everyone’s problems even when I really don’t care that much about them. I want to write other articles, but my bosses say I’m a bad writer, what do I do?!

Help, Lost Buffalo

DEAR LOST BUFFALO, This situation rings true for me as well. Oftentimes people don’t see the value in people like us. But you are very intelligent and a very good writer based on this letter alone. Your mean bosses might not see your worth, but I do. You need to put your hoof down and demand that they allow you to write more articles. If they refuse? Then maybe it’s time to quit.

Tobias

liBrA

You’ve got planners and planners of organizational notes and to-do lists and yet, have you cleaned your room? Or did that manage to slip past the sacred ritual of taking out your favourite glitter pen and writing down an intricate formula for passing your exams. Every thing looks so easy to achieve in sparkly cursive, doesn’t it?

SCOrpiO

I know what you’re thinking, I can see it so clearly in the deepest parts of your mind where you thought no one could invade. I see country roads and a home, a place where you belong. Somewhere in West Virginia, a mountain mama and she’ll take you home on those country roads. Save your fantasies for when you pass John Denver, or it’s summer classes for you.

SAGiTTAriUS

You know who else was a Sagittarius? Ted Bundy. Think about that one for a second. Now, you’re certainly not the only zodiac sign prominent in the serial killer community, but we all see the way you react when you’re studying in Dafoe and the students two desks down are deep diving — loudly into the ethics of cheating on their partners. Take it easy buddy, invest in some earmuffs or some therapy. The final exam isn’t worth prison.

CApriCOrN

I’m going to get corny with you here. I was originally going to say something mean but oh my god! Is that a cockroach…on my keyboard?!

AQUAriUS

_4897638964389TNYGHJDFHGJKSDHGKDLFBSKGFDKJAHG28GYT!!! #*Q&%*#*&^#&^ T*W^^&@*#^%*&^#*&%!!!!!**((()) (*&^%$$#### piSCES

I’ve been thinking a lot about Pisces as a zodiac sign, and I feel we need to change the symbol from the fishes to something more accurate. The amount of perseverance and dedication that you find in Pisces is more akin to a creature that beats all odds the bee. Because, “according to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.” p.S. the ivory Buffalo wants to reassure its readers that all of our writers are here working of their own free will. We value all our talented writers, even Tobias.