Horoscopes for the week of April 1

Zodiac tips for surviving life at the U of M

Wolf Pennington, staff AriES

You are the person in the Telegram chat who is non-stop insulting and yelling at people for not being more helpful. I get it, you’re trying to be the shepherd for the lost sheep all screaming into the chat box “WHEN’S THIS DUE?” but it’s futile. They will never learn and the student continuously dropping memes in the chat who ignores your cries has the chat on mute anyway, they don’t know what’s going on.

TAUrUS

You are the person in the Telegram chat who has it muted and keeps posting memes. The feeling of slapping down a hot meme while the rest of your peers puke from stress exhilarates you, like some sort of sick twisted individual. But what folks don’t understand is that you’re not trying to be a villain, it’s just that when it comes to what’s going on in this class, you haven’t got a single clue you haven’t even bought the textbook! You’re just here for a “good” time.

GEMiNi

The best way to describe this term for you is with Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” but as a kazoo cover. Every day of this miserable term you’ve picked yourself off the floor of your bedroom and thrown yourself into a desk and I think it’s safe to say there’s some moxie in that. However, now is the time to acknowledge that you have been Kubrick-staring at a wall for the past eight days as the end of the year creeps up on you maybe, uh, maybe take the night off from working.

CANCEr

Whoever holds the world record for crying the longest which I’m pretty sure would go to an infant has nothing on you. I’m not even sure where you’re getting the water to produce so many tears but my god, you are doing it. Do you even remember what kickstarted this evil roller coaster of sobbing? Me neither, but it’s a slow weekday, pass some tissues, I’ll join you.

lEO

A student on campus actually sent in an email complaining about the horoscopes Leos have been getting in the past few issues, so they sent some ideas for me to reference here. Okay this is just like...a list of adjectives: “ethereal,” “intelligent,” “bewitching,” “rizz” enough. Enough. We get it, okay, you’re the best or whatever just stop emailing me recommendations for this section.

VirGO

If you are going around acting like god’s gift to man and treating people rudely this week, I will remind you that the symbol for Virgo is the Virgin. Not that it’s a bad thing, but you know, it’s a fact.