The psychic in the city: the trials and tribulations of special powers

Pierre Montcalm Laurent Jr., staff

F or as long as I can remember, I have exhibited psychokinetic abilities. For years I have kept my abilities hidden from the world. Using only my mind I can levitate objects, break things down atomically, read minds and teleport. One may question why I have kept these abilities hidden for so long. The answer, I have to tell you, is the Winnipeg Psychokinetic Authority (WPA).

The WPA is a collection of state-sanctioned psychic warriors that prevent psychics like me from living freely. Their methods range from public humiliation, such as saying someone simply cannot afford a transit pass when they teleport, to outright imprisonment. Their psionic dungeons hold hundreds of powerful psychics.

The WPA has been persecuting my kind for centuries without so much as a slap on the wrist. They have hidden these fantastic abilities away from the world in favour of using them for their own means. This is because they use the imprisoned psychics col- from non-psychics. They’re sort of like private evil dungeons, so to speak. That student you knew who voluntarily withdrew from a class out of nowhere? Probably underneath the school as I write this. lective psionic ability to make the Winnipeg Transit system run. The buses of this city do not run on diesel, they run on psychic power and the WPA is who you can thank for it.

But no longer will I live in fear of the WPA or the psychic proctors at the U of M. Starting today, I am living my honest truth.

Even at the University of Manitoba I have been forced to keep my powers hidden out of fear of being imprisoned in the hidden tunnels. For context, some tunnels are hidden

When you see someone phase into the middle of a lecture a minute before it starts, that’s me. When you feel time rewind in the middle of an exam, that was me because I needed more time.

I might be imprisoned in a psionic dungeon and have my life essence drained so that the 75 Crosstown East runs on time, but at least I will be free to be myself. You can only go so long without throwing random objects across the room with your mind until you throw a person across the room with your mind. safe, I have encoded this article so that only those with latent psychic ability can read it. So if you are reading this, congrats, you can probably do some crazy stuff. ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com if i was a worm, would you still love me? i’m not hungry.

If I continue to practice my powers, it is highly likely that I will become too powerful for even the WPA. At that point, the city needs to watch out because I am a pretty bad guy, to be completely honest.

Humans, you are sometimes dumb and don’t say the right things to your lady folk. Here are the most common questions and the answers that will make your girly pops smile.

The answer is yes. It is always yes. If she mysteriously turned into a worm, you would create a small habitat with grass and dirt and sticks for your worm-girlfriend until she returned to human form. If you were both worms, of course you would love her. If she was just a worm and always had been, you wouldn’t step on her.

Do you want to go get ice cream?

This means that she wants that ice cream. You will say yes. You will immediately grab your car keys and you will also order ice cream. Do NOT say “let’s go get you some ice cream.” This is a team effort; she wants you to approve of the idea and enjoy it.

Yes, she is. Do not argue with her and tell her she will want something. Get her chicken

Do nuggets and fries. Not only will you feed your hungry significant other, but you will also be anticipating her needs, and lord, does that feel nice.

Do you think she’s pretty?

It does not matter if this is a celebrity crush, a mutual friend or some random per- son on the street, the wrong answer is “no.” This is the trickiest question because there are so few right answers. The truth is that there are people prettier than your girl. You just need to always emphasize that you find your lady beautiful. Not pretty, beautiful. Does this make me look fat?

No. Then go take her hand, spin her around and hype her up. Are you really playing another round?

First off, if your girl is with you, why on earth are you playing games and not paying attention to her? Get off your bum and care for her needs. Your friends and 13-year-old Minecraft buddies don’t need you. Hoes always before bros.

Should i post this? / Which one should i post?

Ask for the options, tell her she looks amazing in all of them but point out two or three that really stand out. Always say “yes” to her posting, even if it’s a bikini picture. If it’s in a bikini, be the first to comment.

Those flowers are so pretty. Buy her flowers.

Everything that I have shared with you should just be common sense. However, some of you don’t have common sense, so go re-read this.

But, just to keep myself ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com