Spirit of the student voice haunts U of M

Teddy Perkins, staff

The University of Manitoba Students’ Association (UMSA) has had a tumultuous year. Controversial decisions have garnered criticism from students and faculty, resulting in less-than-ideal approval ratings for the executive team. Many are perplexed by UMSA’s conduct and lack of transparency in 2023. As volunteer news editor, it was my job to get to the bottom of it.

Although UMSA president Don Buchanan took full responsibility for the decisions made so far this year, he claimed he was following the orders of a supernatural power.

“I only listen to the student voice,” Buchanan said in a phone interview.

“The student voice came to me on my first day in office and told me that I must do everything it said,” he explained. “It speaks for all past students who went to the U of M. At night, it can be heard echoing through the tunnels.”

As I listened to Buchanan over the phone in the Ivory

Buffalo office, I suddenly felt the air grow cold. The lights began to flicker, and the room shook.

A bloodcurdling scream rang out, and I ran outside the office to see where it came from. I found a girl crying in the fetal position just outside the UMSA offices.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her.

She looked up at me, tears streaming down her face.

“The Angry Shakes are coming back to do another concert!” she sobbed.

I stared at her with shock and bewilderment as she cried and violently vomited on the ground.

Seemingly out of thin air, Buchanan crept up behind me.

“It was the student voice,” he whispered into my ear.

“The student voice told me it wanted the Shakes to come back.”

I grabbed his hand and dragged him away from the scene. I took him to the Ivory Buffalo office and sat him down on a couch.

“What else has the student voice told you, Don?” I asked.

With eyes wide open, sweat on his brow and a face that had turned pale, Buchanan uttered the most terrifying sentence I had ever heard.

“I ONLY ANSWER TO

ON THE QUAD! THERE MUST NOT BE A RUNOFF ELECTION! BUILD A CAMPUS COMMUNITY!” ing is likely real.”

I sat with Buchanan and calmed him down. Meanwhile, I called an old religion professor of mine, Doctor Simon Funk, to talk to Buchanan about the voices he had been hearing.

Doctor Funk said his goodbyes, warned me not to break the story until we exorcized the demon, and walked out of the office.

THE STUDENT VOICE,” he screamed.

“THE STUDENT VOICE SAYS IT WANTS PANCAKE BREAKFASTS!” he bellowed.

“THE STUDENT VOICE SAYS IT WANTS A SILENT DISCO!

THE STUDENT VOICE SAYS IT WANTS CLOSED BOARD MEETINGS! THE STUDENT VOICE WANTS KARAOKE NIGHT! DRY SOCIALS!

RAISE THE PRICE OF CAMPUS FOOD! MORE GAMES

“The student voice isn’t real,” Doctor Funk repeated, over and over. “Your decisions are of your own volition. YOU make decisions on behalf of the student body.”

It was now around 9 p.m., so I packed my things and began walking to my car. Midway through the tunnels, between UC and the Active Living Centre, the lights shut off, and the student voice spoke to me.

“I AM THE STUDENT VOOOOICCCCE!” it moaned loudly.

“THEEE UMMMMSSSAAAA PRESSSSIDENNNNTTT IS AAAAALWAAAAYSSSS RIIIIGHT!!!!”

Eventually, Buchanan calmed down. He got up, thanked Doctor Funk and I, and exited the office.

“I think that boy may have actually been contacted by a spirit,” Funk said.

“His decisions appear to be influenced by outside factors,” he explained. “He is definitely not making it up as he goes. The student voice he is hear-

Emergency lights turned on, illuminating Buchanan in the doorway, caught in the act. I watched him sigh as he turned and ran back in the opposite direction.

There never was a student voice after all.

— The Student Voice ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com