Apple groves keep doctors away from rural patients

Mosé Luzzatto, staff

The detrimental effects that apples have on doctors have been known since at least the 19th century.

Scientists began studying this issue in the 1860s, and the first scientific description of the condition was published in 1922.

Apple intolerance among medical professionals is considered a subtype of Pollen Food Allergy Syndrome (PFAS). PFAS, known to the general public as “fruit allergies,” is an immune disorder which causes white blood cells to mistake certain proteins in fruits and vegetables for pollen, a common allergen.

The strain affecting doctors is called Apple Sensitivity Syndrome (ASS).

ASS patients who are exposed to apples experience oral swelling, itching and fever.

Unlike most strains of PFAS, whose symptoms are transient and localized to the mouth, ASS can result in anaphylaxis, a severe allergic reaction that sends the body into shock.

Because ASS is prevalent among doctors, clinics and hospitals in apple-growing regions are severely understaffed.

Nurses and EMTs have a slightly lower but still significant risk of ASS.

The exact mechanism behind apple intolerance is not fully understood by scientists. This is because the field of nutritional sciences is complete and utter quackery.

The fact that real doctors are prone to apple intolerance might explain the lack of scientific rigor among nutritionists.

Medical students who regularly consume apples are also 48 per cent more likely to drop out.

Mela Al-Tufaha, a physician scientist and associate professor in the U of M department of biology, is one of the few apple-resistant medical professionals who is actually good at her job. She believes her apple resistance has something to do with her rural upbringing.

“I’m from Morden, the home of the Norkent apple,” Al-Tufaha said. “Apples