Goblins and dwarves wreak havoc in university tunnels (again)

Blurd Thompskin, staff

Goblins and dwarves have been spotted in the tunnels underneath the university once again, prompting public debate on campus security.

“I just don’t feel safe walking through the tunnels when there’s a chance I could run into mythical creatures,” said third-year student Elijah Baggins.

The Ivory Buffalo had to cut the interview short when Baggins’s pen began to glow blue, indicating that goblins were nearby.

While goblins have been photographed climbing on the walls of the tunnels and dwarves have been caught on video breaking the walls with pickaxes in search of mithril, no conclusive evidence has been brought forward to substantiate persistent rumours of cave trolls and Balrogs lurking in the university depths.

A spokesperson for the university denied these rumours, citing the lack of evidence. Six students are still missing since reports of the creatures began circulating.

Third-year botany student Sean Gamgee was the last to see one of the missing students, Sir Ian Gandalf. He said he last heard Gandalf shouting in the tunnels leading to Elizabeth Dafoe

Library after they parted ways heading to separate classes.

“I heard him shouting something like ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS,’” said Gamgee.

“At first, I thought maybe he was telling someone they were failing a class, but then I heard a roar.”

Gamgee said he wanted to go investigate, but when he got closer to where he heard the shouting, it began to get significantly hotter and he detected a “strong smell of sulphur.”