Billy the Bison convicted for stealing UMSA funds

Doughnut Belief, staff

Beloved U of M mascot Billy the Bison has been sentenced to five years in prison for misappropriating funds from the University of Manitoba Students’ Association (UMSA).

Billy’s arch nemesis and rival mascot Bob the Buffalo is taking this opportunity to campaign against Billy for the position of U of M’s official mascot.

Billy the Bison used his position of authority to steal funds intended for school spirit initiatives, the court found. These funds were set to create cheerleading teams, more school swag and school spirit rallies.

In his judgement to the court, the sentencing judge said that Billy the Bison “believed that he was entitled to these funds, since he is the literal head of U of M’s school spirit.”

In a brief interview with Billy currently housed at Behind the Mask Penitentiary he professed sorrow and remorse for his actions.

“I profusely apologize for not only letting down the herd but also taking away opportunities from other students to utilize these funds,” Billy the

Bison said.

Although Billy expressed regret, he questioned the severity of his punishment and said he would be seeking appeal.

“However, I think the biggest crime of all is a bison in orange,” he complained “It’s really not great for my complexion.”

Bob the Buffalo, who has had his eye on Billy’s job for years, is taking advantage of this opportunity to garner support for his bid as official mascot at U of M.

Bob said that he believes he would be “a better face to represent the school.”

“I believe I can single-hoofedly create an atmosphere of inclusivity, enthusiasm and hospitality,” Bob stated.

Bob also gave the Ivory Buffalo exclusive access to files sourced from the University of Manitoba Mascot Alliance (UMMA).

According to these files, this is not Billy’s first offence. The leaked documents reveal a long history of corruption and unethical behaviour. According to UMMA files, Billy the Bison stole Peter the Prairie Dog’s campaign slogan, as well as Evan the Elk’s campaign graphics, and threatened to “trample” them if they went public.

The documents also allege that he had a hoof in rigging the annual mascot election and bribed previous UMSA executives with free event tickets to assist in the cover-up.

Peter the Prairie Dog and Evan the Elk could not be reached for comment.

Bob the Buffalo said he is “fed up” with Billy’s behaviour and feels that a change is needed.

“Enough is enough,” he said. “I am calling for a reform and a new mascot that will put school spirit and the herd first.”