Manitoba pCs address concern over ‘unfair’ end to international student health coverage by getting rid of everyone else’s

Blurb Thompskin, staff

In response to critics saying that removing international students from Manitoba’s universal health care system was “unfair,” the provincial government will be revoking health care coverage for everyone in the province.

“To those who say that singling out international students was petty, vicious, unfair and xenophobic, I just want to say that we hear you,” said Premier Heather Stefanson.

“The last thing we would want is to unfairly single out anyone living in Manitoba, so we’ve decided that no one gets any health care anymore.”

Stefanson went on to say that the savings for the province would be “enormous.”

“I honestly can’t believe we didn’t think of this before,” she said. “We’ve spent years bleeding the system dry with cuts, but just revoking health care entirely? This is a bold new step that I think will be very beneficial in the long- term.”

In its place, the government is introducing an “exciting and innovative” new health care plan called the “Band-Aid Solution.”

The plan would allow Manitobans to buy into the province’s supply of BandAids at a subsidized cost.

Audrey Gordon, Manitoba’s minister of health, noted that the province would also be offering bandages through payment plans with interest for those struggling to shoulder the financial burden of various boo-boos.

The minister was quick to clarify that the program would not be applicable to Band-Aids featuring beloved children’s cartoon characters, however.

“You don’t want to encourage dependency on government hand-outs,” Gordon explained. “If you make benefits too luxurious, like bandages featuring Elsa from Frozen, where’s the incentive to work hard and really earn it?”

Stefanson said that she considers the program to be “a prime example of the conservative political ethos in action.”

“When people think of the Progressive Conservatives, we want them to think ‘band-aid solutions,’” she said.

“I think Manitobans will be grateful that they have a government that is willing to try out new ideas.”

When asked if she really thought people would be grateful to the government that cut their health care in the first place, Stefanson said “ultimately it doesn’t matter” as people would just “accept what they can get.”

“Look, we can bicker and argue about who cut who until we’re blue in the face, but do you want the Band-Aid or not?” she said.

The government clarified that they would not be able to provide recipients with a lollipop until shortly before the next election season.