Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times
Editors' Introduction Reader, you’ve met us again at a very strange time in our lives. This is our 50th issue, the big ﬁve-oh, the point at which our political views become increasingly more problematic and the cake surface area needed to host the candles begins to outweigh the combined appetite of the guests at the party. As a result of this milestone, this is a 40 page spectacular featuring the highest amount of original content that has ever appeared in an issue of The Lemon Press, and we’ll be honest; we now understand why nobody has done this before. We now have full sympathy with the various legal teams, airborne viruses and locust swarms that have tried to take us down in the past, every barrel has been scraped to bring you a truly divine collection of content. So what is inside the issue that has genuinely taken a part of our souls with it? We begin in the way that every edition of The Lemon Press should (an extended apology for stuff we have written in the past issue, alongside jokes about Nouse and ﬁnding the clitorous). Our Campus section continues in this vain, where you can ﬁnd a special section on campus bean news (we have no idea either, these things just appear in our inbox) and a guide to student housing. Not that we need such a guide, having spent the past weeks living in the half of an ofﬁce we own between us. In the absence of particular themes, that have been mercifully banned from this issue, you may notice other themes emerging. Please do not question the themes. Please do not question why there is an entire page devoted to various American presidents being ‘throatgoats’, even if we could give you an explanation it would barely be comprehensible to you, so don’t even attempt to ask why Bonnie Tyler counts as ‘News and Politics’. We have special features to inﬂict on you as well, including two pages of gamer content (as an apology for our forefathers being antigamer in the past), a fresh update from both Financial Limes and Scuzzfeed, before we bring you exclusive behind-the scenes coverage of censorship happening in student media. There are also eight pages of bonus Alumni content, a collection of cursed articles from the past and a map so you can ﬁnd the best places to live in the future. You literally cannot miss any of it, mainly because we’ve put glue on the covers (we have double checked, after the last embarrassing incident we can’t afford another mixup). Please enjoy this issue, or at the very least appreciate the extra eight pages of energy when you burn it. Dan and Chris.
Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Arts Science & Tech Features Sports Horoscopes, Letters & Poems Puzzles Bonus Content
pp 3‐9 pp 10‐18 pp 19‐20 pp 21‐22 pp 23‐24 pp 25‐28 pp 29‐30 pp 31 pp 32 pp 33‐38
The Lemon Press Staff
Editors: Chris Small & Dan Bennett
Deputy Editors: Harry James & Bex Scott Sub Editor: Lucas Leﬂey & Caitlin Hyland Campus Editors: Lydia Cunningham & Laura Burnell News & Politics Editors: Cameron Stenhouse Lifestyle Editors: Kris Matveeva Science & Tech Editor: Benjamin Brown Arts Editors: Jack Mackay & Emma Dixon Features Editors: Beth Hubbard Sports Editors: Ronald Young Multimedia Editor: Will Rowan Illustrators: Niall McGenity (Front Cover), Will Rowan (Back Cover & Various), Dan Bennett (Inside Cover & Various), Beth Hubbard (Various), Holly Palmer (Various) President: Beth Hubbard Treasurer: Dan Bennett Secretary: Will Rowan Vice-President: Niall McGenity Social Secretary: Beth Hubbard & Chris Small Ordinary Members: Alex Towells & Harry Clay Contributors: Tom Holderness, James Carstairs, James Rhodes, Luke Horwitz, Nick Lunn, Matt Davis, Henry Dyer, Leah Anne, Alex Howarth, Gabriel Bramley, Chay Quinn, Lucy Purkis Charters Contact the editors at: firstname.lastname@example.org Contact the society at: email@example.com Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produce 7th November 2021
We'll be honest, we didn't expect you to come back
You can RON but you can't hide
An Apology We at The Lemon Press hold ourselves to high standards, and when we fall below these shared values we hold our hands, heads, and hearts up. Recently, we have once again failed to meet this high bar of moral justiceness, for which we wanted to take the time to apologise. In Issue 49 we published an article titled '8 Types of People You Won't Meet At University', a piece many have described as 'hilarious' and 'clearly written by a handsome and mentally-wellput-together man'. The article itself insists that you would not meet a Norwegian at the University of York, however we have learned since publication that this could not be further from the truth. Pretty much every single reader has gotten in touch to inform us that they have in fact met a Norwegian, many of you reporting to have met at least two. It is clear from your emails that either Norwegians are one of the most overabundant demographics on campus, or there is just one extremely sociable Norwegian swinger couple out there. In any case, our initial article was wrong, and we would like to send Norway and its people our unreserved apologies. We acknowledge all that Norway has brought to the world, like footballers incapable of passing the Turing test, the best 2 minutes of the Simpsons ever made, and for tolerating York's weird cultural appropation of Vikings (we're still not quite sure what's going on with that, we dislike it just as much, so sorry again). We will do our best to never again make false claims about a group of people to create a bad joke. Unfortunately, we wrote this apology after we ﬁnished the rest of this issue, so you may want to just skip to Issue 51 now. Hugs and kisses Dan and Chris.
Robert Peston appointed as Nouse’s Politics Editor Robert Peston, the UK banking sector's equivalent of the Zodiac Killer, has been appointed as Nouse’s politics editor. The newspaper hopes that this will help its politics section become more up-to-date and relevant, relying on Peston’s tendency to spew out any inane thought without ﬁlter or regard for accuracy/ actually being coherent will help to speed up the process. In other news, URY has replaced Jukebox with a several hour compilation of Jeremy Vine’s brain dribbling out of his nose, and YSTV have announced Andrew Neil as their new lead presenter, beating stiff competition from his current employer: the dole queue. At this point, TLP’s editors (eds note- wait that’s me) have not been able to conﬁrm or deny whether they’re going to be replaced by this picture of Ian Hislop laughing. Chris Small
Report: Goodricke Harder to Find than Clitoris A survey carried out by the Hull York Medical School has found that Goodricke College, supposedly founded in 1968 on West and later possibly moved to East in 2009, is more difﬁcult to locate than the clitoris, which may or may not be higher or lower than you think. 12% of the survey's 4,000 respondents reported to know where the clitoris was located, of whom only 15 were able to correctly identify it on a corresponding diagram. In contrast, only 2.8% of respondents could vaguely gesture to the college's supposed location on a map, which surveyors classed as 'good enough'. For any readers who would like to improve their understanding of geography and anatomy, just remember that they're both cunts. Tom Holderness
SAABS Introduce String Telephones In order to continue to allow anonymous comments whilst not engaging with or condoning those sending them in, YUSU’s Sabbatical Ofﬁcers have announced that they will be using a series of string telephones to communicate with students this year. The cups have been placed around campus, with the strings leading back to the YUSU Ofﬁces. A YUSU spokesperson said that there was no risk of people's identity being compromised as ‘let's be honest, we can barely keep track of ourselves, let alone miles of string’. The ﬁrst day of the string phone saw mixed results for the Sabbatical Ofﬁcers. Sophie Kelly immediately received a dozen calls with suspiciously similar voices asking about York Parties, Franki Riley had all her cups stolen for beer pong, Kelly Balmer missed half of her calls as she had to get a bus into work that day, Matt Johnstone physically could not get the cup within an inch of his mouth due to, ‘an irresponsible amount of beard’ and, despite his best efforts, Patrick is yet to receive any calls as of time of writing. Dan Bennett 3
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The Lemon Press: the ultimate CV suicide
Freshers Sent to Kabul
Student Too Edgy, Falls Through Fabric of Reality
With accommodation in York full, freshers are set to be sent to Kabul. The University have secured space for over a hundred students in a hotel near Hamid Karzai International Airport. Shockingly, local accommodation was largely unbooked even at this time of year.
A new student at the University of York tragically fell through the atoms making up the fabric of reality yesterday, after becoming so edgy that he physically cut through the observable universe. A fellow student in his Alcuin ﬂat said, ‘We ﬁrst noticed it when somebody mentioned joining the Feminist society, and the concept of space-time visibly wobbled around John as he was about to say his response.’ Friends of John at secondary school had noticed similar interdimensional anomalies occurring during discussions about equal rights and making people feel safe in school, but teachers had just put the mini-raptures down to ‘boys being boys, he’ll grow out of it soon enough’.
Regular shuttle helicopters will take off from the hotel’s roof from dusk to dawn. It’s just one way that students will get a reasonable ‘York experience’ despite living off-campus. A team of college tutors have been dispatched to accompany students and are currently in their 5th day of interrogation in a secure facility just underneath the airport. Students will be sure to have a sore head the next morning after a full ‘club’ night lineup of rubber bullets, tear gas, and waterboarding. A spokesperson told The Lemon Press, ‘It’s a great deal for students, we couldn’t quite believe our luck. We’ll be very happy to welcome all these students in Anne Lister come January, only if they want to move back to campus of course.’ A 10% discount will be offered on the accommodation as a goodwill gesture. Will Rowan
This personal growth did not come quick enough though. A discussion about veganism forced John to teleport half an hour forwards in time, however the climactic moment came during a ﬂat party. Witnesses said: ‘He was just about to make a joke about identifying as an apache helicopter and, vroomf, he fell through the atoms of the ﬂoor. We all thought that was just due to the quality of the building, we’ve seen worse happen this week, but after a while it was obvious John had slipped into a 5th dimension of reality only observable at light speed. I hate it when that happens.’ Leading Professors in the Department of Physics said nothing as they have all blocked every student media email account, however a local enthusiast of chemical-enhanced philosophy said ‘even the bounds between atoms have gaps, unimaginably small, but able to be pierced through by smaller surface such as electrons or the edge of a guy who moderates a meme subreddit’. We have reached out to the void in atomic space for the right of reply. If you know a dimension-bending student like this, please don't let them read The Lemon Press, I have an eternal fear that they might like some of it. Dan Bennett
Charlie Jeffery Replaced by Beans Brought to you by Alex Towells
In a surprising turn of events, The University of York’s Vice-Chancellor Charlie Jeffrey seems to have been replaced entirely by beans. Last Thursday, University admin staff logged onto zoom to see a pile of tins of beans staring back at them, instead of the friendly face of the Vice-Chancellor. The poor soul who opened his ofﬁce door to check got covered head to toe, like they were on Dick & Dom in da Bungalow, but instead of creamy muck-muck it was beans. We have no idea who did this or their motivations, but they have ensured that Charlie will not be sending out any all-students emails anytime soon.
Entire Courtyard Menu Replaced by Beans In a surprising turn of events, Courtyard’s menu seems to have been replaced entirely by beans. Last Thursday, the YUSU bar staff arrived at work to see that literally all the food in their cupboards had been replaced by tins of beans, as opposed to stacks of pizzas and chips. The poor soul who opened the oven got covered head to toe, like they were on Dick & Dom in da Bungalow, but instead of creamy muck-muck it was beans. We have no idea who did this or their motivations, but they have ensured that Courtyard will not be providing nachos to a hungry student populace anytime soon.
URY Server Rack Replaced by Beans In a surprising turn of events, University Radio York’s server rack seems to have been replaced entirely by beans. Last Thursday, the society’s members arrived at the station to see that literally all of their computers had shut down, and when they tried to access them nothing happened. The poor soul who opened the server cupboard got covered head to toe, like they were on Dick & Dom in da Bungalow, but instead of creamy muck-muck it was beans. We have no idea who did this or their motivations, but they have ensured that URY will not be broadcasting across campus anytime soon.
We don't have a kettle, but we can mime putting one on
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Results From The Post‐Freshers Freshers Study Franki Riley None of our writers actually do sports. Things seem good now, although expect movement once the post-Roses nihilism hits.
Patrick O'Donnell It's been 2 years now. There are no POD jokes left. He hasn't done anything new. Unlikely to leave now, but would you notice anyway?
Kelly Balmer The 'Personal Trainer' SAAB as both are having their job done for them by Instagram pages. Cozy jobs if you can get them, why leave!
Oh dear. Admittedly, I ﬁnd her slapstick-esque ability to stumble into annoying every possible group around York inspiring. It's a long road, but she is on the highway's fast lane!
We'll be honest, when we ﬁrst made this image we completely forgot Matt. Between COVID-19 and the the strikes he will never have a chance to do real policies. He will be known more like a general phrase that embodies a lot of bad memories, just like 9/11.
Lecture Hall Chairs Scared to Be Sat on After a Year Arse-Free
Chairs in lecture halls have spoken up concerning fears about being sat on again after a year of breathing just ﬁne. While many chairs refused to be named, the chairs in the TFTI Holbeck Cinema were very vocal about being smothered in arse for the duration of pretentious ﬁlms: 'It’s not just being drowned in taint, it’s the twisted irony that it’s happening while The Human Centipede plays.' Several seats in the Ron Cooke Hub complained about the common belief that a bigger ass is best, stating 'It’s not. It’s really fucking not.'
Halifax Students Rejoice With Hull Students Now Being the Ones Left Out
With a YUSU survey having it's highest ever turnout (5%), here are the key excerpts from the survey of 2021's Freshers intake!
Long gone are the days that a gleeful laugh would follow taunts of Halifax students being the backwards boys of our Uni, as Hull commuters are now the ones who won’t make it to your ﬂats’ parties. Not even full-time legend Anne Lister’s titular college could save these students from being a bus away this year, leaving a random Thanos-handful of potential Yorkers at the mercy of Hull.
Dogging Reports Skyrocket, Forcing cb1 to Clarify Name; Not ‘Cock and Balls'
First Bus is in hot water after their new nightly bus ('Clubbers Bus') has invited a rise in nudity on their transport. A representative for the company rued the three step leap in logic from CB to cock and ball to 'oh, this bus must be for dogging', stating 'I myself would never do such a thing'. CCTV later said otherwise. Results collected by James Carstairs
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Don't come to the Hes Lane Portaloo tomorrow
How to Get Involved in Student Media Next Term Welcome to the WACKY world of student media, where no one actually likes each other but the fake friendships spawned of mutual gossip sessions get you closer to mediocre sex! If that feels like a place you want to be a part of, but never had the chance to join yet, use this handy Lemon Press guide to get you up to speed! Get a Section Editor Role - Why not, there’s bloody hundreds of them, a section editor role is the ﬁrst step on the ladder of your journey into student media. It’s okay if you’re nervous or unsure now, as you write your conﬁdence will grow more... externally. Internally you will forever remain paranoid of the quality of your writing and if anyone has ever given your work a compliment in earnest instead of out of politeness. Join Multiple Media Groups - Getting involved in student media really broadens your mind, which is why everyone here has so many friends groups outside of it. To broaden it further, take the rite of passage in by taking part in multiple groups. You’ll quickly learn that student media is made of like 20 people maximum, but if you include the screaming voices in their heads then the community can almost be described as ‘diverse’! Don't Join Nouse - The oldest paper on campus, Nouse is a broadsheet publication ﬁlled with the kind of mistakes that we would forgive if their team was part of our social groups. But they're not so screw it, why should anyone build bridges when our little islands are so cozy? Become Right Wing - York's current print media landscape was mostly forged by a group of Lib Dems, which explains a lot really, but with the ﬁnal ones set to graduate this decade we are seeing more writers identify further and further left. But pendulums rarely stay in one direction, so why not beat its swing by becoming incredibly right wing? Not the malicious type, just the kind of dudes who wear quarter-zips and still need to ask why they can’t also say ‘wagwan’. Learn It's All A Game - The SABBS, the student media groups, the elections, it is all just one big game set up to simulate a model of real-world journalism. There’s no real-world consequences to whatever you investigate, at most a fake person will leave a fake job due to a fake scandal, forced to join the real world again like a contestant eliminated from a TV show. If you ever hit on anything outside our carefully constructed game don't worry, a legal team will knock you into place and remind you that you are just playing pretend! Nothing here particularly matters outside of a paragraph on your CV’s second page, so don't worry about it, join us, drink the drinks, have the half-hearted orgasm, we will all be dead in 40 years so you may as well let your dreams die while they're young. Membership for The Lemon Press can be purchased at yusu.org/activities/view/the-lemon-press Dan Bennett
University of York Houses Students in Nomadic Tribes In response to student uproar over the accommodation of York students in Hull, the University has announced an alternative policy that will see students placed in an environment that is (seasonably) closer to the main campus. The new policy is to be instituted in partnership with a variety of transient communities, including the Tuaregs of the Sahara and Mongolian indigenous groups. This approach cleverly avoids the question of York's desperate housing shortage by doing away with the idea of a ﬁxed domicile in the ﬁrst place. The policy also serves to alleviate concerns over York's notorious landlords, property agencies, and expensive private accommodation. Students will have the opportunity to explore the great outdoors as they migrate across the North York Moors, guided by the changing of the seasons and the need for fresh grazing by their appointed ﬂock. Even at the furthest point of their seasonal migration cycle, they'll be closer to campus than they otherwise would be. Tom Holderness
Cold play? No, it’s literally just Coldplay Well here we are again, the period in 1st and 2nd terms commonly known as 'the student house stresszone', I swear this magical season comes earlier every year. It's a mad mad world out there in student rental land, but don't worry, The Lemon Press is here to help you again! You're so very fucked! As an editorial team with a combined 9 (?!) years of experience living in student houses, we thought it best to give you our advice and insight into what you can expect. The important thing to remember is that, no matter how bad the situation is, you always have the power to leave it if you need to. Some genuine advice there, from us to you. Now enjoy the jokes!
Areas to Live In
Fulford - It’s nice when a village's streetlight policy lets you choose how you will get killed on your journey home; do you want to die next to a military base or by a golf course? (choose the second, it has a beautiful Portaloo!)
Badger Hill - I’m unsure a single badger has ever lived here, and it’s not especially hilly, but renaming the place ‘the okayish neighbourhood where that one dude wanked in a window’ seems like too much effort at this point.
Heslington - It’s like living next door to an ex. You are so close to where you used to live for Freshers that you can almost taste the happiness/depression/bodily ﬂuids. Those days are gone now, but you can still hear that new person banging.
Tang Hall - The England Football Fans of York. Sure a lot of the people there are nice and just want to have a nice time, but as you go deeper into the jungle you come to realise why the outer community view them the way they do. If you meet one, try not to be the ‘it’ in ‘it’s coming home’.
Osbaldwick - What if you took the journey to/from East Campus and added a few fun little steps? Living in Osbaldwick builds up a long-lasting resentment to everywhere else in York. Never have your Nan’s tales about walking an hour to school rang truer, no I won’t learn to drive, shut up. Hull Road - Hull Road is not a community area so much as a place people choose to identify as. On the road? You live on Hull Road. Live on a street a minute off Hull Road? You live on Hull Road. Live about 5 minutes away from a single car but nobody has heard of the cheap street you found? Tell the world you live on Hull Road baby!
Clifton - Ah fuck, sorry, you actually go to York St John now? I wasn’t sure how to break this to you, but the First Bus timetables just mean there is no way you can actually make it to campus anymore. It would genuinely be easier to live in Hull for the meantime. Our Verdict - It can be really tough to pick a place to live, so our verdict is: don't! Buy a caravan and travel around York so you can experience them all! Don't need to worry about noisy housemates bringing people back when you have a smoking hot Elddis Afﬁnity 520!
Easiest Ways to Afford Rent Feet Pics - You probably have at least ten toes, and you only need one horny dude to keep you in the green! Sell Your Organs - You don’t need most of them anyway! When have you last used a ‘spleen’ anyway? That little shit has been living rent-free inside you, it’s time to move out and sell out to the black market! Crime - You know the ‘basically-okay’ ones. Our legal teams have told us we have no idea which ones those are. But you may know. And you may or may not want to use them to your advantage. Sell Other People’s Feet - The ﬁrst three in one, triple your money! Nobody will notice, they are the furthest thing away from your eyes, if you pick someone over 6ft they will never know! Print More Money - Nobody has ever explained to me why you can’t. I mean they have, but nobody has ever convinced me, and nobody ever will. It’s foolproof. Print More People’s Feet - If you can’t steal them, duplicate them! Inﬁnite feet, it doesn’t even need to be a 3D printer, just hold the picture up to your own for the same effect! Rent-a-Giggle - You read The Lemon Press, so you must be funny; why not go round and charge people to get jokes from you? Print Other People’s Funny Looking Feet - Feet can be funny, so why not sell them for chuckles?
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GUIDE* TO T HOUSING
Timeline of Your Student House Journey *not a real guide, if you follow any advice on this page you WILL die
A Thorough and Nuanced Review of the Various Student Letting Agents of York
They are all cunts. Fuck them. This review is also applicible for individual landlords.
Members of the House The Late One - What if you took ‘just-in-time-production' and made it into a person? They will pay the rent and do the dishes just in time to prevent eviction/an acid-resistant bacteria, but the fear of their possible failure may ﬁnish you off. The Organiser - Look at your current housing group chat. Look who made the group. That person will be ruling your life for the next year with an iron ﬁst. You’ve given them the ultimate power now, just accept this dictatorship, and you will have no blame when things fall apart. The Way-Changer - A person constantly in ﬂux, they are always a model human being around you, right up until the point they are with a certain other group and Hyde comes out of Jekylll. But I’m sure it’s ﬁne, they are perfectly nice around you, they're just putting on an act for their friends! That group deﬁnitely won’t be around your house constantly next year! It’s all ﬁne! The Suspicious Bowels - Look, I know there are serious issues that can be the cause of different sensitive problems regarding the bathroom, but I’m not really talking about those. There is always a member of the house whose bowl situation you are unsure of before you sign the contract with them, and every day after moving in is like a time bomb to see if your hunch was right. The Chef - No problem, here, just someone who likes cooking! Always! They are always cooking! On every hob and work surface! Permanently! And it always smells nicer than yours! They always wash up when they are done, but they are never actually done! It’s a genuine miracle that you haven’t killed them yet! You - You are, obviously, perfect. You could never be late, or too organised, or be any of the annoying characteristics, as you'd notice right? You are the protagonist of reality, there is no need to reﬂect on any of the above as you are loved by everyone, you fucking monster.
for updates and events
Mid November - You're consumed by an all-encompassing anxiety about your living situation next year. Every conversation you will ever have ﬂirts around saying ‘so... what are you doing next year?’, which admittedly makes sex awkward. You will eventually settle on a group of most-likely people. Late November - A very serious sit down has been arranged, after which it's be concluded that nobody actually knows what is going on, the entire situation can change but it’s agreed you will keep your eyes peeled for a 3-12 bedroom house located close to both campuses and the town. But nothing too expensive. Early December - With everyone scattered across the country, it's time for the group chat standoffs to begin! Every message gets consulted on by three different people before it goes in the main chat, days of silence can be ended with 1000 messages in an hour. Nothing will be concluded by any of it. Mid January - Exams done, Christmas enjoyed, now it's decision time! Late January - ...Okay, NOW it is decision time! Other people are signing contracts so now, just like your love life, the people don't have to be good, just 'keen and immediately available'. Early February - You ﬁnally found a house you all are mildly content with, hooray! Now you just need to ﬁll in a quick form and... oh. It’s gone. Shit. A Bit Later In February - It’s third choice time, slightly more expensive and a bit worse, but you've been burned too many times so they will have to prise this one out of your cold dead hands. You ﬁll out the form and begin the very simple process of acquiring the house! Like A Week Later In February - You are dragged out of bed at 10am to visit a house full of people who have been dragged out of bed at 10am. You barely stop to look or ask questions out of politeness or awkwardness, but nothing seems to be on ﬁre so you are happy to continue with the application. End of February - Your bank account, barely clinging on after 2 months of draining the SFE well, braces itself for paying a deposit for a house you have seen for a total of 10 minutes. ‘It’s okay’ you tell it, ‘just one year to go and you will get that money back, I swear’. You can’t make that kind of promise, but it is the only thing keeping you sane at this point. Mid July - Move in to your new abode and realize you should’ve probably done more checks before you moved in. Oh well... I'm sure you'll learn next time!
The new TLP sporting event: 24 hours of LeMon
The Ingenious Student Don Quixote of York: A Tale
Once upon a time, there was a city called York. Near this city there was a university. And in that university, there lived a university student. The student, although now the subject of this bizarre tale, was the pinnacle or normality. He happily spent his days studying and sleeping as most students do, not caring a ﬁg for the world and minding his own business without a care for anything. However, the sudden strike of coronavirus broke this routine as the country braced itself for a battle with the disease. Because his regular education had become non-existent under these circumstances, the student instead spent eighteen months reading all the chivalric romances he could to pass the time. He read and read, not noticing the insanity slowly creeping into his mind. Eventually the student believed he was, in fact, Don Quixote, the knight of la Mancha. As his mind deteriorated, he became convinced that York needed saving through acts of chivalry and knight errantry – acts that would carve his name onto the marble tables of eternity.
So, on one particularly sunny morning, the student calling himself Don Quixote ventured from his college (an enchanted castle to him) and went off in search of adventure with a friend he called Sancho, his faithful and gullible squire. They wandered onto main campus and ﬁnally came to a bridge. The bridge swarmed with ducks who blocked the path of these two explorers. As they came closer to the waterfowl, they transformed into giants in Don Quixote’s mind. In his eyes, their wings turned to giant arms holding clubs and their quacks turned to roars in his ears, ﬁlling him with anticipation. He turned to his friend and said: ‘Look, Sancho, giants haunt this campus! I shall slay them and bring their heads to my noble lady who resides in the castle of Derwent!’ ‘Noble sir,’ said the Sancho, ‘the campus has been deserted for months. Lockdown has removed all life from the university. What you see are ducks, nothing more.’
‘Nonsense,’ Don Quixote retorted, ‘they are giants, see how students fear to cross this bridge because these monsters block their path. Your sight must be under some wicked spell, you ignorant fellow.’ ‘Spell or not, I don’t think it’s too much fuss, those students are just going to the Spring Lane Building,’ sighed Sancho. But before he could ﬁnish his sentence his master was off, running like a demon at the ducks. There, on the bridge, the knight did battle with the ducks with such ferocity that it didn’t fail to turn heads. Onlookers on their way to the Spring Lane Building kept their eyes on Don Quixote and, watching him attack the ducks with such chivalric courage, concluded that he was a madman. They thought his mind had turned to mush because of the year-and-a-half of lockdown isolation. Who else but a lunatic would suffer duck feathers and faeces to such an extent? But as the bold knight-errant ﬂailed at his feathered foes (giants in his mind), he lost his footing and fell headﬁrst off the bridge and into the lake below. He struggled and ﬂailed in the water, wrestling with copious waterfowl in the obscenest manner until Sancho grabbed his friend and yanked him out and onto the bank. ‘Sancho, I have drowned the giants,’ Don Quixote spluttered, ‘watch their heads ﬂoat on the water!’ The enraged Sancho grabbed the knight of the soggy face and yelled: ‘You bloody fool! Didn’t I tell you they were only ducks? And only someone with a bird brain would say otherwise!’ But Don Quixote cared not – he was happy. He had slayed his giants. And although his body was drenched and exhausted, the battle was won. What were pandemics, student debt, and the confused looks of strangers to Don Quixote of York when his comic fantasies sustained him? Who else but a crazed fool could turn his situation into such freedom and bliss? James Rhodes
Pictures of Chernobyl Swaying Public Opinion on Nuclear Debate These pictures were shown at a debate last Friday, swaying public opinion against the introduction of nuclear power into the UK. Those attending the debate called the pictures ‘disturbing’ and ‘couldn’t imagine the poor people who had to live there’. The effects on the wild-life is even more horriﬁc, as a duck was spotted with a horrible defect of a long neck. When wild-life experts were advised to do the only humane thing and kill the animal, they refused because ‘he’s too damn funny looking’. Will nuclear power be introduced into these Isles? After these shocking images, I don’t think so. Cameron Stenhouse
A shocking Image (Photo credit: Cameron Stenhouse)
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Parliamentary Estate Plans to Save Money on Heating by Catching Fire With rising energy prices, there have been concerns about the cost to the taxpayer of heating the parliamentary state, especially given its poor insulation. Leader of the House of Commons/walking argument for bullying actually being a good thing, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has come up with a plan: simply let the House of Commons catch ﬁre. Which he was planning on doing anyway. For him this has the dual advantage of saving money on the gas bill, and it avoids having to pay for the renovation of parliament. This plan also has the added beneﬁt of helping the families of all the parliamentary staff pay their energy bills, as they will be able to use any life insurance payout they get. Jacob Rees-Mogg has also given advice to any families concerned by the cost of energy, advising them to burn ‘one or two of their more unnecessary children for fuel’. Other parts of the government have also come up with plans to reduce their gas bills, with the Treasury planning on introducing a new special 90% tax rate for anybody under the age of 40, and then burning any of the additional money taxed to heat their buildings. And just to be sure they won’t feel the effects of increased energy prices, the Treasury is planning on saving money by never spending any money on Leeds ever. Chris Small
Grimes to Receive 50% of All ‘Muskbros’ In Divorce The unforeseeable divorce of Claire ‘Grimes’ Boucher and Elon ‘@ElonMusk’ Musk has seen the couple split their wealths in the traditional way. While never ofﬁcially married, the pair are going through divorce proceedings due to the law that: ‘when you get past 50 every break up is essentially a divorce.’ Their child, whose name contains characters our publishing software literally cannot use, was unscrewed into 20 equal parts with each parent given 10 each to reassemble. The only other issue was how the couples fan bases would be split. Several million Elon Musk fans, who have self-titled themselves ‘Muskbros’ in reference to their favourite game ‘New Super Mario Bros DS’, were handed over to Grimes over the internet, causing great distress to all parties involved. ‘We’re scared and confused,’ one Muskbro told The Lemon Press, ‘we had just found a place that sells black shirts that ﬁt wholesale, but now with Grimes we have to change everything every week? We didn’t know hair was capable of those shapes she makes!’ A 35 year old man from Tennessee was found ‘weeping and covered in 1st degree glue-related burns’ after attempting a self-hair transplant to keep up with the pop star. Another Muskbro told The Lemon Press: ‘She told us to sell our Dogecoin as part of the antiimperialist movement, but this just created a fall in fees that made Dogecoin super viable again? I think? I still don’t understand crypto, I just do what they tell me and sometimes post the little rocket ship emoji.’ Despite these differences, Grimes and the faction of Muskbros were said to have found common ground in them ‘both acting like they are at least a decade younger than they are’. Musk, who is now in possession of half of Grimes’ wardrobe, was unavailable for comment. Dan Bennett
Beans Replaced by Beans
Cursed Oven Denies Taking £100,000 to Fill Space Counts as Corruption
In a shocking turn of events, every bean ever seems to have been replaced entirely by beans. Last Thursday, the Heinz factory workers arrived at the factory to see that literally all of their beans had been unaffected by recent events and when they tried to eat them nothing adverse happened.
A sleaze scandal has rocked as regular The Lemon Press space ﬁller, The Cursed Oven, has denied that taking money to ﬁll space in the magazine counts as corruption, saying that it is a noble cause that it deﬁnitely would have done anyway.
The poor soul who opened the bean cupboard got covered head to toe, like they were on Dick & Dom in da Bungalow, but instead of creamy muckmuck it was beans. Idiot. We have no idea who did this or their motivations, but they have ensured that we have been able to comfortably ﬁll this edition of TLP with beans. Ben Brown
Meanwhile the magazine's editors have controversially abolished the already non-existent TLP Standards committee, in order to prevent the oven facing suspension. Some have speculated that other TLP space ﬁllers, such as the Tiny Horses are also engaged in the so-called practice of ‘cashfor-space-ﬁlling’ Chris Small
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Net zero bad jokes from 2070
A Brief History of America’s Presidential Throatgoats George Washington - Due to the time constraints of musical theatre, the show ‘Hamilton’ had to regrettably cut out two major historical elements: the slave-owning history of most of the protagonists, and the throatgoatiness of George Washington. The ﬁrst President achieved so much that his status as ‘the Footlong Father’ has been buried in the back pages of history books, but true historians are in no doubt that man knew how to gobble. Lincoln - The greatest conspiracy of our time is that Abe Lincoln was not shot in the back of the head, but rather penetrated his own skull while attempting to show off with one of the theater’s hot dogs. The poor President made the mistake of not angling and going for the straight swallow that ultimately went straight through him, and this high-commitment low-ability ranks him around the middle of most throatgoat lists. Obama - I’m sorry to report that every photo of Obama with the hot dog is photoshopped, in reality the hotdog was double the length you see in the pictures. It was a truly frightening display of oral power from the ﬁrst openly-throatgoat President, an entire media blackout had to take place to prevent photos getting out that would ‘scare children and most medium-to-large breeds of snake’. In a recent interview, a teary-eyed Obama admitted his biggest regret was ‘not passing sensible throatgoat laws, it’s common sense that not everyone has the right to be a throatgoat. There was literally nothing I, Barack Obama, could’ve done to get tougher throatgoat laws through.’ Trump - Donald J Trump will go down in history as the very worst throatgoat America has ever had, there’s no way a man who eats pizza with a knife and fork is letting any meat get further into his mouth than his canines. Biden - I think it is mean that everyone ridicules Joe Biden for basically being a half-dead man who is only being kept awake by a series of handlers, when I believe this to be his greatest strength as a throatgoat. You could ﬁt an entire arm down there and use his stomach as some form of horrible ventriloquist act and he wouldn’t notice unless your sick puppet routine included a critique of John McCain. Kamala Harris has already tried a similar ‘Babushka Doll Method’, crawling into the President via his throat to change by decree the deﬁnition of when someone can be legally classed as dead, but was called out when ‘Biden' reacted far too quickly at seeing a teenager in possession of marajuana. Dan Bennett
Two Covid Vaccine Doses Looking For a Third Just to let you know that two vaccine doses from across the clinic really love your vibe and would like to get to know you better. They’re looking for a third to give them a little boost. It may involve 15 minutes of sitting around and a headache after but they promise it’s all worth it.
The Men Who Stare At Throat Goats Email firstname.lastname@example.org After his wife leaves him, Bob, a newspaper reporter, sets off to Kuwait to cover the ongoing war. He gets if you’re interested in more than he bargains for when he meets Lyn Cassady, an ex-U.S. Army Special Forces operator with a double-jointed throat that George Washington could only dream of. getting in on the deal. Will Rowan Will Rowan 11
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How Politicians Would Deal With ‘The National Anthem’ Episode of Black Mirror (Yes, we are talking about that episode with the Prime Minister and the pig. But what if other leaders had to be in that position?) Boris Johnson - This situation is designed for the ﬁctional media character, Boris Johnson. Save a member of Her Majesty’s Royal Family, sacriﬁcing himself for the good of the country in absolutely Churchillian scenes. Peston and Kunnesberg would petition for the day to be renamed ‘Boris Johnson Day’ (again). Of course, the real, actual Alexander Boris De Pfeffel Johnson has never been within a mile of a farm and would vomit at the idea, probably killing the Princess himself before stepping in the same postcode as the pig. But that guy doesn’t matter. He’s never mattered. Your ﬁrst thought was that Boris would proudly do that pig. The media has done its job, well done everyone. Keir Starmer - ‘I...I I... you... I need...p...pig? A pig? Wh...what are the polls saying? Well if they’re not in yet what is The Times saying I should do, it’s basically the same th...ah. Oh god. Well, what about The Sun...oh fuck. Oh fuck, if they are both saying I should...oh fuck. Fuuuuuck....can I just ask? Is it clean?... Well I’m obviously not expecting the bloody Ritz down there, I just need to know if it’s sanitized? Okay, we can...okay. Fuck, okay, let’s do thi... what’s that? The Princess voted for Corbyn? Welp I’m off home then!’ David Cameron - This is the weirdest one. Of course Dave the Rave has the most history with pulling pork, but that whole saga of the Piers Gaveston Society initiation just demonstrated his lifelong mission to do anything to try and ﬁt in with his band of weird right-wing mates. Sacriﬁce Britain’s place in the European Union, start a corruption scandal, of course he would get jiggy with the piggy if someone suggested to him that Boris Johnson was considering doing the same. The pig is everyone in Britain, just getting routinely fucked due to an old Eton rivalry. Great country. Jeremy Corbyn - Nobody can watch it due to a national bandwidth crash caused by every journalist simultaneously Googling ‘pigs and Judaism’. Priti Patel - I have no doubt Priti Patel would be more than happy to ﬁnd methods to resolve this situation, but would the joy she would derive from it be enough to overcome the disgust she would feel in knowing she had saved a human life? Remember, that Princess is partially German too, it may all genuinely depend on the nationality of the pig. Ed Davey - I have no idea how Ed Davey would deal with this situation. I have no idea how Ed Davey would deal with any situation, ever. I know absolutely nothing about this man, and neither do you. Maybe he has the potential to resolve the situation and save the Princess with dignity and upmost decorum. Maybe he’d be more likely to ignore the Princess and insist on bringing in an extra, dirtier pig for his own personal pleasure. I literally have no idea who this man is. Dan Bennett
Hancock’s Strictly Preparations ‘Going Well’ Insider sources at the BBC have revealed that Matt Hancock is making ‘good progress’ in his preparations for appearing on Strictly Come Dancing. This reassurance was revealed to the public as further conﬁrmation of the popular political theory that ‘the entirety of British politics is converging to the singularity point of James O’Brien casting the winning vote for Matt Hancock on Strictly, at which point the ﬁrst great climate disaster will swallow the entirety of Westminster whole’. Hancock’s preparations have not been based on his dancing, an aspect many experts have called ‘genuinely horriﬁc in several unique ways’, but rather his conduct in the post-dance interviews. Trainers have been using Pavlovian methods to beat Hancock with sticks whenever he intrudes on the personal space of the many Tess Daily lookalikes sprinkled around his Oxford training camp, and after rigorous training, 27% of his mock interviews pass the Turing Test. This is hoped to be at around 78% by his expected Strictly appearance in 2024. As further proof of the prophecy, James O’Brien was spotted in the streets petting a Hancock-esque cat, and the latest polling has seen Hancock soar past Theresa May on the ‘Ed Balls Barometer’ of the public’s sympathies. Dan Bennett
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Neil Hamilton Summoned For UKIP Service
Neil Hamilton has been revealed as the latest in a long line of unfortunates who received a UKIP Summons letter through the door asking them to perform UKIP Service. Unfortunately for Hamilton, the brown envelope wasn’t stacked with cash which left him with questions of his own. A non-smooth Neil Hamilton was unavailable for comment. Will Rowan
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Those War Cabinets That You’ve Never Heard Of We’ve all heard about the Churchill war cabinet, and we keep on hearing about it because of the ﬁxation this country has on the Second World War, and never ending Churchill discourse, but what about other war cabinets? The Culture War Cabinet The We’ve Always Been at War With Eastasia Cabinet Key Figures: Brendan O’Neill, Giles Coren, Nadine Dorries (fuck Key Figures: Big Brother, Emmanuel Goldstein this one’s real), and every other boring right Key Policies: Tough on thoughtcrime, tough on the causes of wing columnist who spends every waking thoughtcrime. moment coming up with more inane takes Weaknesses: War with Eurasia, and people who make inane to own the libs. comparisons to 1984 on the internet. Key Policies: Larger foreheads, banning people from making fun of Brendan O'Neill’s The Stars War Cabinet forehead, and even more inane newspaper columns about how Key Figures: Nute Gunray, Rune Hako they’ve been a victim of cancel culture despite the fact they still Key Policies: Blockading Naboo, signing some sort of treaty, idk have a national newspaper column. the plot of The Phantom Menace doesn’t make any sense. Weaknesses: Giles Coren’s incredibly easy to steal Jaguar, Weaknesses: Blockade legality, Struggles to avoid things getting simply logging off and ignoring them, and Brendan O'Neill’s hand when there are more than two of something, and the writer incredibly large forehead presenting a large target for both of this piece deciding for some reason to just write about Nute mockery and throwing objects at. Gunray rather than writing some actual jokes The War on the Motorist Cabinet Key Figures: Alastair Darling, Highways England, Cyclists, and pedestrians. Key Policies: Increasing fuel duty, enforcing the speed limit, and the public execution of Jeremy Clarkson. Weaknesses: The past 11 years of fuel duty being frozen, the incredible rage felt towards low trafﬁc neighbourhoods by people in local newspaper comment sections, and the squidgy bodies of humans still being vulnerable to breaking when hit by large metal boxes moving at speed. The War with Spain Cabinet Key Figures: Me Key Policies: War with Spain Weaknesses: The fact that we’re not yet at war with Spain.
War on Christmas to Be Over by Christmas In the holiday season spirit the government has promised that the war on Christmas will be over by Christmas. The promise that the war will be over soon will be made considerably easier to achieve by the fact that it doesn’t actually exist. In order to end the war on Christmas the government will seek to catch the watchful ‘happy holidays' sayer totally off guard by complaining about ‘political correctness gone mad'. Which has been the strategy employed by the government the last 18 times, which according to a government source is ‘why it’ll catch them totally off guard’. Up next: A preview of the happy holidays truce football match. Chris Small 13
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The War on Drugs Cabinet Key Figures: The US Federal Government, Peter Hitchens Key Policies: Banning Drugs, name searching on Twitter to get into arguments about drugs. Weaknesses: Drugs being cool
Image Credit: Matthew Smith
The War on Terror Cabinet Key Figures: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Tonty Blair Key Policies: War with Afghanistan, War with Iraq, cocking up rebuilding in Afghanistan, cocking up rebuilding in Iraq, giving up on doing the whole boots on the ground thing and just dropping a few bombs and doing a few drone strikes, who need to bother helping the countries you’re bombing, or actually checking to see if you’re bombing terrorists and not children or something. Weaknesses: Gestures at the US withdrawal from Afghanistan and the past 20 years more generally. Chris Small
Q. Khan attended Max Mosley's Nazi Orgy
BREAKING: Due to a quirk of UK libel law we are today able to conﬁrm that the father of Pakistan's nuclear bomb, and the world's greatest nuclear proliferator, A. Q. Khan attended Max Mosley's Nazi orgy shortly before his death at age 85. Other attendees of Mr Mosley's Nazi orgy included Prince Phillip, Jeffrey Epstein, and deceased alpaca, Geronimo. Sadly, due to other quirks of libel law we are not able to conﬁrm pop star Garry Glitter's attendance, however we can say he was executed by the Socialist Republic of Vietnam. Grant Shapps
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You’re telling me Biden has a trillion dollar package? Daddy?
Landlords Advised to Get a Real Job
Peter Marsh Clubnight
The other week was the landlord convention in Britain, where hundreds off unemployed people were bitching about taxes on the houses that people live in. 'Its unfair,' said Larry The Lord, 'why should we have to pay tax when we don’t even live in the house!' An Italian landlord named Mia House exclaimed, 'Why should we be punished? We didn’t rent a house with cladding dryer than a day patch of dead leaves! Should have bought a house in the 80s loser!'
Come Dine With Me’s Peter Marsh, of ‘sad little life Jane’ fame, has got a weekly guest slot at a local nightclub. Staples of these Monday nights include cries to ‘do the Marsh’, where scores of students reverse themselves along the danceﬂoor like a dump truck without tires. Also look out for Marsh dropping the beat by asking ‘is there anyone called Jane in the house, Jane in the house, Jane in the house, house, house’. Inevitably this leads to someone called Jane being mock-thrown out by bouncers 32 times a night. Tickets are £20 and selling out fast. Daniel Bennett
The universal response is for landlords to get a real job, and plans to include them in the unemployment statistics are already being drawn up. Cameron Stenhouse
True Story Behind Gunpowder Plot
Leaked intelligence from MI5 archives has exposed the true reason Guy Fawkes failed in his endeavour to blow up Parliament 400 or so years ago, involving a secret lover’s quarrel and an amount of messenger pigeons that would have forced the RSPCA to establish themselves hundred of years earlier. Information in these sources has revealed that Fawkes was actually on time and ready to commit domestic terrorism, but was forced to stall the operation once receiving a messenger pigeon from the MP he was having an affair with, insisting that Fawkes cease and reschedule. This argumentative exchange continued on for some time, steering away from the actual situation at hand as personal issues with one another arose in the letters, regarding accusations of STIs and commitment to the relationship. This fortunate delay allowed for Sir Thomas Knyvet to apprehend Fawkes in the Parliament basement. Current ofﬁcials are adamantly trying to dissuade this truth from the public mind in fear that this next bonﬁre night will appeal too much to the homophobes and be mistaken for a homophobic celebration of burning Guy Fawkes efﬁgies. This would not only cause a PR crisis, but also force the government to acknowledge that gay people exist. Kris Matveeva
TLP Investigation: Was Harold Macmillian a Weeb?
Harold Macmillan, former Prime Minister, former cuckold, former alive person, we ask the obvious follow on question: was he a weeb? This investigation uses rigorous research methods such as checking his vibes, and googling ‘Harold Macmillan Japan’. Okay the research method is rigorous compared to the level of research methods of the average Westminster journalist, but don't you want me to answer the question? You better not say no. Vibes: Okay just look at the guy. Tell me that he didn’t get home to his ﬂat above Number 10 after a busy day governing the country and watch anime. I bet his private secretary had to correct anything he wrote to take out the uWus Thorough Googling: Err, he talked about a visit from the prime minister of Japan in parliament once. Conclusive evidence of weeb behaviour. Conclusion: Full blown weeb. Next Week: We investigate whether Rab Butler watched Minecraft Youtube? Chris Small
Miners Rejoice as Annoying Canary Finally Stops Chirping Jubilant scenes were seen this week at Westeast coal mines as miners celebrated the end of the annoying chirping by the mine’s resident canary. Speaking exclusively to The Lemon Press, mine boss Presley Wenslydale said, ‘me and the lads are cheering like we’ve won the cup. It was health and safety gone mad, when the canary turned up it was like the bosses were saying that I didn’t know the CO2 levels in my own mine? ‘Obviously we put up with it as that’s what you’ve got to do these days to appease the Wokerati, but then the canary just got louder and louder, you should have heard it, it was taking the piss towards the end! But now it has shut up me and the boys can ﬁnally get some sleep, you can tell the effect that canary had, look some of the boys have just fallen asleep right on the ﬂoor here... yeah... god, I feel tired myself actually. All this health and safety has tired me out mate...’ Dan Bennett
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Grammar errors? In my TLP? It's more common than you think!
Transcript of the Kuenssberg/Gove Rap Battle At the heart of the Conservative Party Conference, the main speech hall has been converted into a massive party. Hundreds of people are packed in there, while the few people with actual power are in another room with the expensive bottles. A large circle forms around the DJ booth in the centre of the room. Enter MC Lewis Goodall. Goodall - 'Good evening Manchester! You could’ve been anywhere in the world tonight... except Parliament! Waheeyy!' The crowd, with an average age of 57, goes wild. Goodall - 'Haha yeah, my Mum wrote that one... anyway, anywhere in the world but you chose to be here to watch the slamdown battle of the centuryyyy! So would you please welcome to the ﬂoor, the Pimp of Parliament, The Gove-anor, Michael Gooooove!’ A fully suited and coked-up Gove enters stage left in a full suit, accompanied by a chap-hop beat. Gove - ‘Yah, I...’ The recording fails for a few minutes here as I think the source recording it fell asleep, or had a stroke, or his soul just gave up for a bit. It resumes at the last line. Gove - ‘Cos I’m keeping party lines in the morning but snifﬁng them in the evening, Mike out.’ He drops the mic. To the dying brains of the Tory Party Conference, this is the coolest shit they've ever seen. Cups of G&T and Champagne go ﬂying in the air in jubilation. Goodall climbs on top of the DJ decks to get their attention. 'Alright Manchester, now give it up for the Queen of England herself, the Flower of Fleet Street, Laura Khaaaaaaaayyyyy!' From stage right, a deeply tanned Kuenssberg emerges wearing comically large chains, a backwards 'Streetz' cap and legally-notdreadlocks. The crowd goes absolutely fucking berzerk, as the ﬁrst bars from Ice Ice Baby plays. Kuennsberg - 'Yeah your rhymes hit big but mine hit bigger, I run the BBC, you’re just a little...' The conference is suddenly interrupted by a clown car ﬂying through the window, bringing the party and music to a halt. From the tiny doors pop out Telegraph editor Chris Evans, The National Editor Callum Birad, ITV News Political Editor Robert Peston and BBC News Director Frans Unsworth, all dressed in perfect barbershop uniform. They make a bee-line for Dominic Penna whilst beginning an acapella cover of Mr Sandman. Evans, Birad, Peston, Unsworth - 'You saw nothing... nothing to see (bom bom bom bom) just a case of im-partiality (bom bom bom bom), the story’s just another distraction... cos these kind of shindigs just need to happen!' The quartet grab a now-screaming Penna limb each and carry him towards the car in perfect rhythm. Evans, Birad, Peston, Unsworth - 'Nothing... it was all planned. If you were a journo, you’d understand. Laura’s peak neurtalityyyyy, and there’s nothing, nothing to see!' 'Somehow the 5 of them get into the car, which immediately sets ﬁre. The acapella and blood-curdling screams go on for another minute until fading out.' (we at The Lemon Press, as well as the extended media landscape of the University of York, would like to point out that all of these evets are ﬁctional, we actually love everyone featured in this article, please do not shadowban our alumni from the political media circle, we are already handicapped by the actual content we have plublished without this extra hurdle). Captured by Dan Bennett
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TLP50 or COP26: you decide
Who said it: Bonnie Tyler or Ronnie The Tiler? I’ve got a fun little quiz for you. Who said each of the following lines? Was it Bonnie Tyler or local cowboy builder Ronnie The Tiler (who I suspect may be sleeping with my wife but can’t conﬁrm)? ‘Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never ‘Does the guest room have a double bed too…? Just curious y’know…. No reason m’lud.’ coming 'round’. ‘Pleasure to ﬁnally meet you champ, I’d heard about your problems in the bedroom… oh yeah, it’s well known among locals like myself… very nasty leak you had, that carpet man… your carpet, right thing to tile the ensuite too.’ ‘Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.’ ‘Always liked this part of town, yeah I’m around here most days, honestly surprised we haven’t bumped into each other yet…’ ‘And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever.’ ‘Is Debbie about this evening?' ‘Every now and then I get a little bit terriﬁed and then I see the look in your eyes.’ ‘That sink is strong as an ox, you can even sit someone on it just ﬁne. We made sure it was tip top, absolutely secure. That’s not wobbly! Well... wasn’t when I installed it.’
‘And we'll only be making it right cause we'll never be wrong.’ ‘Did you say you’d be... out of town next Friday for work? What times? Oh, just like to pop by to make sure I ﬁnish properly... and your wife is satisﬁed with me handiwork.’ ‘Together we can take it to the end of the line your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time).’ ‘How’s Patrick doing?... The little one? Of course I know Patrick, I did milk runs up until 2015. He must be nearly six now?’ ‘Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart.’ ‘What am I doing? I’m going to the downstairs loo. What do you mean, how do I know where it is already? I’m shagging your wife.’ ‘There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.’ Will Rowan
‘And if you only hold me tight we'll be holding on forever.’
Biden Celebrates 'No Drones' Day
Revealing himself to be a huge fan of the No Bones dog, President Biden has announced on Twitter that today is a 'no drones' day, and that he would be taking a needed day off from planning and executing drone strikes. In a statement, the legally-alive president said, 'Self care is so important, sometimes you just need to wear your comfy clothes, order some takeout and have a break from launching drone strikes on civilian areas.' Instead, Joe is said to be spending the day curled up with that really stupid looking dog he has. Major Biden, who bit two members of White House staff after being told 'Joe can't actually make you President elect, ignore anything he says', is said to be furious at the prospect of a ‘no bones’ day and is considering impeachment processes. The phenomena of bones & no bones has spread around the world. Heartwarming photos emerged earlier this week of families as far away as Pakistan celebrating a 'No Bones' day, however it as quickly revealed these were actually images taken after a T-Hawk was ﬁred on the wrong U.S target. Dan Bennett
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You have *no idea* how hard I am procrastinating right now
Government Launches 'Submissive and Breedable’ Campaign After news broke recently that Britain is facing a shortage of babies, the Department for Levelling Up, Housing, Pothole Repairs, City Centre Pedestrianisation and Communities has announced a new campaign to encourage the country to be more ‘submissive and breedable’ The newly-appointed Michael Gove launched the campaign last week, asking the people of Britain to be ‘Submissive to the Queen, Breedable for your country’. Speaking to The Lemon Press outside Popworld yesterday, Gove said, ‘Of course, the breedability of a person is subjective, for some it is dependent on having milkier elements, for others it is having toned features. At the Department of Levelling Up, Letting You Down, Running Around and Deserting You we believe breedability is not a physical attribute but a mindset, if you loved your Queen and country enough you would be prime breeding material to any patriot.’ In the capital, where the shortage of babies is greatest, the government has set up centres especially for breeding, with monetary rewards given to the most breedable couples. This ‘Londonsborn’ campaign has seen the most breedable members of the public become national treasures overnight; after one successful breeding session, The Sun led with the front page ‘Local Hero Has 5 (white) Kids On Taxpayer Bill!’ The Shadow Minister of the DFLUHPRCCPC, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, ‘We welcome the campaign to increase the fertility of Britain, but we believe that in order to move forwards we must become dominants, not submissives. For too long Britain has been the receiver on the world stage, and now is the time to give back. Even from a position below other countries we can still do the work and become the main mover globally.’ Dan Bennett
Trains Banned From Jousting After Sailsbury Crash All trains on the British rail network have been banned from taking part in jousting after the recent crash exposed the practice as unsafe. A Network Rail Spokesperson described the practice 'A really bad idea.' and admitted that they probably should have got rid of it sooner. We aproached the Transport Secretary, Grant Shapps, for comment but he was too busy pretending to be someone else to comment Trams, The Waterloo and City Line, and the Tyne and Wear Metro have all secured exemptions to allow jousting between 11:30am and 1:30pm on Tuesday Chris Small 17
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Ministry of Levelling Up to Help Gamers The ﬁrst priority of Michael Gove’s newly renamed ministry will be to help gamers acquire experience in order to level up their characters in their video games. A crack team of civil servants have been tasked with learning how to become a gamer, by being sent to the basement, and being given an incredibly large supply of chicken nuggets, Mountain Dew, and the world’s largest selection of energy drinks (the production of which is thought to have caused the nation wide carbon dioxide shortage). Gamers will now be able to send over the login details to the ministry and by the end of the day their character will have reached legendary status, saving them hours of hard work having to grind their way through the levels, and giving them the opportunity to leave the house. The full title of the renamed government department is: The Ministry of Levelling Up Gamers, Helping Them to Leave the House, and Stopping Them Using Gamer Words In Online Communities. Chris Small
Capitalism to Be Renamed Crapitalism, but Will Still Not Help Poor People We all know how annoying it is to be lectured about the inequality of the world. We get it, poor people are everywhere and no I don’t want to do anything about it leave me alone. So an organisation named The World Action Translation Society (T.W.A.T.S) have decided to ﬁnally do something about it by not doing anything of substance. Capitalism will now be known as Crapitalism. The idea originated when some annoying marxist wouldn’t shut up and the person they were speaking to just wanted some Mini Cheddars in Lidl. The best part is, you can still be a greedy capitalist - sorry, crapitalist and exploit children in Congo for Lithium. Result! Karl Marx would be so proud. Cameron Stenhouse
Maths Classes Use Sexual Harassment Numbers To Boost Male Engagement Schools around the country have begun using shocking statistics on women's safety in an attempt to boost engagement amongst young men. The phenomena of the male brain becoming suddenly able to analyse data at a doctorate level was noticed in several discussions around male-on-female crime, and several schools have begun to capitalise on this. Maths teacher Mx Darway told The Lemon Press 'it was a pretty spectacular sight to be honest. There was a group of lads at the back of my class who never did any work, but as soon as I asked a question about the '97% of women experienced harassment' statistic they became experts in the ﬁeld of data manipulation. I've never seen them so pumped up about maths, they were citing statistical theories I have never heard of to reduce that number down, which was surprising considering most of them couldn't do simple fractions a week ago.' Despite this success, Darway revealed there were a few drawbacks to this new way of teaching. 'We moved on to linear algebra, and when I asked the class what the value of X was we got into a 10 minute discussion about how not every X will have that value and how most X's would probably be much higher in value. I mean I get why they want to have that conversation, it just gets exhausting having to repeat it when we do 25 algebra questions a day.' There has been no conﬁrmation of these new statistics classes being added to the national curriculum, however if it did happen the MET Police have shown interest in launching an accelerated apprenticeship for high achievers. Dan Bennett
Joe Pesci Confirms He’s Legally Allowed to Try to Enter Your House if You Leave It Vacant for More Than 15 Minutes
Joe Pesci has conﬁrmed he has full legal rights to attempt to enter your house if it’s left unattended for 15 minutes. This relies on the same precedent that allows you to leave a class if the teacher does not arrive within 15 minutes. It’s a revelation that’s spun local Facebook groups into overdrive. Despite being very well off, the ageing star of Gloryfellas and Home Alone says he ‘just enjoys breaking and entering so god damn much, what’s the fun in buying places?? Give me a brick to the face and slippery ice patch any day.’ Will Rowan
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The Worst Songs to Have Sex To Whether you're in uni halls or a student house, you probably don't want your housemates to hear you through those paper thin walls if luck ever does strike and you pull (unless maybe you're into that, I guess, I don't know you). So, to avoid such a predicament, The Lemon Press has compiled an extensive list of songs to drown out the disappointed sighs of your hookup as you take off your shirt. 1) Fix You - Coldplay: Nothing says sex like the passionate sound of Chris Martin. Although this song was originally written for Gwyneth Paltrow about the death of her father, this is a great track to call someone 'Daddy' to. 2) The Scientist - Coldplay: Nothing follows Coldplay quite like more Coldplay. Rumour has it that, in the lyric "No one ever said it would be so hard", Chris MartIn was referring to his own erect penis. 3) He's A Pirate - Klaus Badelt: This swashbuckling theme from Pirates of the Caribbean makes for a great accompaniment to an adventure into high tides. Hope you don't capsize, Captain. 4) Deepthroat - cupcakKe: Have you ever been in that position where your partner wants you to dirty talk but you can't think of anything to say? Well that won't be an issue with this track of prerecorded suggestions you can refer to. Alternatively, you can follow it like an instructional manual if you're ever stuck for ideas. 5) Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex: This one sets a great rhythm. Recommended positions: Cowgirl/boy, Reverse cowgirl/boy. 6) Fruit Salad - The Wiggles: 'Yummy, yummy!', 'Eat up the banana', 'Eat the melons'? This song is dripping with sex. 7) Fireﬂies - Owl City: Good luck with this rhythm. 8) Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) - Baz Luhrmann: I don't know about you, but nothing gets me hornier than a speech from 1997 set to music. It might be the closest I'll ever get to graduating. 9) Airplanes - B.o.B: Hayley Williams: Take me back to 2010, that last time I was happy, and then ride that wave all the way to climax. 10) Gimme Shelter - The Rolling Stones: Spice things up the bedroom by bringing on a 'Nam ﬂashback. Did you hear something in the trees? 11) Buddy Holly - Weezer: We never did ﬁnd out what was with those homies dissin' my girl, but we do know that no one that likes Weezer is getting any. Logic follows that if you're getting some, you won't enjoy this song. 12) The Theme from Countdown: This one makes for a great ﬁnale. Pile on the pressure and see if you can ﬁnish in time. Beth Hubbard
Alternatives to the Civil Service Fast Stream Failed the Civil Service Fast Stream, but still looking for Civil Service Jobs? Here’s a handy list of alternatives. The Civil Service Jet Stream - Missed out on the fast stream, well the jet stream can travel at up to 110mph, and that seems pretty fast. The Civil Service Bloodstream - In many ways the circulatory system is the civil service of the body. Will I elaborate on this? No. The Civil Service Streamline Taxis - I guess if you ignore speed limits driving a taxi can be pretty fast. Unemployment - Oh no. Chris Small
Lots of people join us in Term 2
We regret to inform you our writers are not on strike
Complete Guide To ILFs BILF - Bros; just because they’re your dudes, it doesn’t mean they can’t have big ILF energy. CILF - Centenarians, a kink that exploded after mega CILF Captain Tom. An entire nation jealous of a zimmer frame... DILF - Da’s, Dads and Daddies. These are three separate demographics, a Da is an older centrist, a Dad is just someone who has bred a child, and a Daddy can be anyone emitting dominant father energy. Please classify your D’s correctly. FILF - Filthy people, if you can get past the grime you can have a great time! GILF - Controversially, this one is only reserved for Grandads. If we separate parents, why are we not separating grandparents? Seems rather ageist tbf. HILF - Hobbits. You all have one you ﬁnd the most attractive, admit it. JILF - Okay I swear there was an American spread called Jilf? Like I can see the label in my head and everything, have I gaslit myself into seeing a ﬁctional spread? Anyway a Jilf is a fuckable John from Garﬁeld. KILF - Could either refer to a serial killer or a man in a kilt, it’s up to you to ﬁgure out which one is more socially-acceptable. LILF - Lenny Leonard, a uniquely Sigma male man, is an example of a Lenny I would fuck. MILF - Miscellaneous, for both Mothers and any other category not caught by the list, because almost every category of person can have fuckable members! [We’ve never seen our legal team move so fast as when they put ‘almost’ in that sentence - Eds]. NILF - Nans! They ﬁnally have their own category, hooray! PILF - An attractive person who has been ‘pilled’, whether that be red, blue, or gamer! QILF - Queens, which again is a mindset rather than a title (whilst Girlbosses are determined by what the title-holder does, a Queen is determined by how others treat the title-holder). RILF - Anyone Scooby-Doo would ﬁnd attractive. SILF - Slytherin, a term created exclusively for Malfoys, however J.K.Rowling recently revealed it was created in 1587 for the hung wizarding master Snekdicke McCumples. TILF - A term for hot Tories that should be classiﬁed as a slur, nobody should ever use that word, I’ve just been sick writing it. Eeeeeeeeeeeergh. VILF - Villain, we all like a baddie! WILF - Wilfred Mott, what a breedable man, I’d like some of Bernard’s Cribbins please! XILF - Pirates I’d like to fuck, I wanna see what that hook can do to me! YILF - You! No, not actually you, it’s just while you were reading this I created this idea of you in my head, I would never actually do it as I have this perfect world in my imagination. You even found the joke about Scooby-Doo funny in it, it’s so lovely in here. ZILF - Zero-chance, if there is someone who you would never ever do under any circumstances, they are pure ZILFs! Dan Bennett
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RIP Prince Philip, you would have loved Squid Game
‘Squid Game’: Season 2 Set in Derwent Netﬂix’s ‘Squid Game’ continues the trend in genre-bending K-drama by exposing the tragic wealth inequality at the heart of South Korean culture. Therefore, it will surprise many that series creator Hwang Dong-Hyuk has elected to set the recently-greenlit second season in the ravaged hellscape of Campus West here at the University of York. 'It just made sense,' Hwang explained, 'I have never seen such deprivation.' When asked why he chose Derwent speciﬁcally of the university’s colleges, Hwang had this answer: 'It's a decrepit place, and it felt thematically appropriate to kick people while they’re down. Also, have you seen how they worship that goose thing? It’s fucking weird. What’s all that about?' While he was tight-lipped about the exact contents of the new series, Hwang assured The Lemon Press that the games depicted in the show would be altered to suit this new venue. Our speculations include: •D-Caffeinate: Coffee is banned for 24 hours. Divested of their lifeblood, the contestants must resist the urge to collapse in despair. Failures are thrown to the silverﬁsh. •D-Luminate: Students must navigate the maze of Campus West in pitch black. Those who don’t make it from Derwent to Wentworth in 30 minutes drown in the lake, or are picked off by the YUSU members prowling the perimeter on electric scooters. •D-Fenestrate: Students are thrown at random from upper windows. There is no game. It’s a metaphor for student debt or whatever. Where Season One featured an audience of depraved capitalists from the USA, Season Two will instead depict an audience of depraved capitalists from Campus East. Some are nervous about such a divisive depiction of the university, but Hwang insists that featuring in ‘Squid Game’ will give York Uni the boost it needs. 'You saw the burst in sales of white Vans, pink boiler suits and motion-activated sniper riﬂes after the ﬁrst season. I’m sure Derwent’s goose-based merchandise will be ﬂying off the shelves after the second. Seriously, though, what the fuck is that about?' Jack Mackay Dan Bennett
‘No Time to Die’ Review
I went on a cinema trip to see what that new James Bond ﬁlm was all about, but due to wearing a Christmas hat in the middle of October, I got kicked out. So here’s my review of ‘No Time To Die’ based on pictures I could ﬁnd on Google. James sure likes his suits doesn’t he. And watches, I'm assuming to tell him how much time he has left to die. The beach house looks like it would be lovely to stay in, it reminds me of a holiday I had on the north Spanish coast. It was very lovely there although they had their dinners a bit too late for me there. Not sure I’d like to spend my holidays with Mr Bond though, he hardly ever looks happy, and he often looks like he’s trying just a bit too hard. All in all, it’s an alright ﬁlm, the scenery certainly seems to be quite pretty to look at. It’s a shame that James Bond doesn’t look happy though. I personally would ﬁnd it very hard to be upset if I got to go on holiday in all those warm sunny places. Now excuse me I've got my own holidays to book Rating: 3/5 Matt Davis
Magazine Space Filler to Be Recognised as an Art Form Our artistic liscense is about to be taken away by the police. Dan Bennett
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Bo Burnham's Inside, Reviewed By a Free Range Chicken I just didn't really get it, you know? I don't think this ﬁlm was made for me. There are certain ﬁlms that you just immediately identify with; Chicken Run for example, the best ﬁlm ever made, you instantly know what the characters are going through and what they want, so you're happy when they get out. I never got that with this ﬁlm, so when he ﬁnally got outside I didn't feel anything. The truth is that Bo is not a sympathetic protagonist. What does he have to worry about? Nobody is trying to bake him into a pie, in all honesty he doesn't look tasty. There was barely a fox in sight, in fact the whole show seemed to be him being upset about things in his head? Admittedly I can't use the internet, on account of my feathers and by comprehension of abstract concepts being limited to the level of a chicken, but if I had thumbs I would probably just log off. Overall I do have to give it 3 stars out of 5, the camerawork was undeniably impressive for a solo production. Dan Bennett
Ian Brown Just Wants To Be a Door Stone Roses’s Ian Brown has ﬁnally come out as a door. Since 1989 he has been banging on about wanting to be a door, and says it 8 times in the ﬁrst song for the self titled album. However, due to impracticalities and Ian Brown’s ﬂeshy nature, the procedure would be dangerous. Door experts, 1965 band ‘The Doors’ warned of these dangers, and when asked about the procedure, exclaimed ‘People are Strange’.
Theory: Ozzy Osborne’s Crazy Train REALLY About the Polar Express???
The Lemon Press supports Ian Brown on his desire to be a door. Crazy train was released by Ozzy in 1980, Polar Express Cameron Stenhouse was realised in 2004, that’s a difference of 24 years. 24x2=48, the EXACT age Tom ‘moustache’ Hanks was when he starred in the hit movie The Polar Express. Train has 5 letters in it. Same as Billy. Billy was that weird child at the back of the train. Now I know what you’re thinking, does Ozzy Osborne like hot chocolate? Well the hit song in Polar Express ‘Hot Chocolate’ is rumoured to have been inspired by Black Sabbath’s ‘Children of the Grave’ because all the children in the Polar Express died when the train derailed, kind of like a … CRAZY TRAIN. Now I don’t have long because the people in my walls are coming for me, but next time you watch Polar Express think of this, have you ever seen the homeless man on top of the train and Sharron Osborne in the same room? I think not… Will Rowan
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Cameron off his medication they’re in my walls they’re in my walls they’re in my walls
For sale: unused headers. Never again. Rev up those Fortnite Fryers and serve me up a portion of sus on the side, it’s time for some more gaming! Howdy Gamers, it’s Dangerous Dan back again to dish up another plate of gaming tips, tricks, and laughs, I don’t know about you but I am so hungry... for jokes! Since the last issue plenty has happened in the Gamer world; the Ouya 2 was leaked with an addition of a plug‐in scratch and sniff pad, the outbreak occurred, and FIFA’s patch caused that crazy glitch of players with massive hands! Plenty of you in the DanFandom are probably busy moving town to town to avoid Them, but as all real Gamers know, the Gamer Grind never ever stops so please sleep/night‐patrol well knowing I am still here in the Gamercave looking out for the freshest games and cheats for all of you squad! The DanFandom army is nearly as big as the national army, now if the casualty estimates are accurate, and I’m here to arm you with sneaky shortcuts and loud laughs. The last month has really felt like a Dark Souls level, or like playing Warzone Hardcore mode on a regular‐XP weekend, but we all know video games are the Drake Sword of the real world! So pull up a chair, push it right up against the door handle of your safehouse, turn off the heat generator and redirect all power to GAME!
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Dangerous Dan’s Game of the Week ‐ VR Home Simulator There have not been a lot of physical game releases this week due to the military enforcing quarantines in each city of concern, and virtual sales have been limited by the blackouts, however I have managed to use all my backup generators to power long night-time gaming sessions in last year’s release, VR Home Simulator. This amazing game lets you recreate any house in 4k and add fully customisable people to it. I have spent a lot of time on the create a character screen and now it feels like Debbie is still here! A new mod also lets you add enemy AI to see if you could’ve done anything differently on Breakout Night, I have had a lot of fun ﬁnding 67 different possible endings, if you ever reach a Safetown with power make sure to check it out! 4.5/5, would be 5/5 but it's slightly immersion breaking they don't allow pregnancy in the wife character. VR Home Simulator was avaliable in all online stores, however as of last week the only way to now access it is at the Metrocentre Emergency Safezone 23
Science & Technology
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Dangerous Dan’s Top 5 Zombie Games 5. The Walking Dead Season 1. I really loved this game when it ﬁrst came out, never before had a game been able to present such a convincing, moving illusion that your choices mattered in a way that was highly marketable on Youtube Let's Plays. Even now, with the other 3 seasons barely remembered by even diehard fans, those 5 episodes hold up if you ignore the slow bits of 3 and 4. It is low down on the list because the ending has been ruined for me now. For nearly a decade I thought that when a loved one gets a zombie bite they become really badass and invincible for a bit before dying in a way that gives you lots of closure. Instead they just scream. Loudly. She didn’t even stop long enough to say goodbye, I bet Lee Everest would not have given up all hope the second they saw military blockades around the hospital. Still, great game! 4. The Last Of Us Part 2. An absolutely beautiful, haunting game about revenge with a masterfully-created atmosphere that refuses to let you go for a second. I had never been so happy to be terriﬁed and depressed by a game, probably one of the most enthralling experiences I have had with any media in years, I was spellbound, I cried and cheered and cried again at the ending. However since the Reddit servers went ofﬂine I can’t remember why I have to dislike this game, but I know it has to be low down on the list for some reason.
Ask The Audience ‐ Who Was YOUR First Gaming Crush? Tails the Hedgehog! What a fox! ‐Conraider68
Dan we have spoken a few times now, I know the situation is probably not the best your end too but it's been 3 weeks since the last food truck arrived and no idea when any medication was last shipped so please if you could send anything even small my family would really appreciate. ‐ SlickMick
I actually met my wife Debbie at a Street Fighter tournament, and it turns out she did a few small voice over roles for video games a while ago, so I guess you could say whatever characters she played! I know she's up there gaming somewhere! 2. Call of Duty World At War & Call of Duty Black Ops & Call of Duty Black ‐ Bangerous Ban Ops 2 & Call of Duty Black Ops 3 & Call of Duty Black Ops 4 & Call of Duty Inﬁnite War & Call of Duty Advanced War & Call of Duty World War 2. The Call of Duty Zombie mode has gone through a lot of changes throughout I also choose this guy's dead the years, but despite the press releases, and the game trailers, and wife. ‐ Gamer47 Activ*sion ﬂying me out to Yekaterinburg last year to see how they now modelled the enemies based on real life zombies, I could not tell you the difference between them. I just love playing them all equally,even if the realism has deﬁnitely improved over the years; I was playing the latest one last month and was able to explain to my wife exactly where the news Last Laughs footage was ﬁlmed as I had done so many rounds in the ‘Ground Zero’ An Axtracz and a Sulari walk into a Vespa bar. The map. Cirudu barman asks the Sulari ‘what can I get you?’. 3. Minecraft. Yes I know, I’m such a retrohead playing such an old game, but I have found recently that the zombies in it are really well done. I sometimes like to turn on creative mode, make a 3x3 Obsidian cube and hide in there - it’s not an optimised build, but I just like feeling safe when the zombies can’t get in. I have racked up days of playtime the past month just listening to them safely outside, unable to get in and hurt anyone anymore.
1.The Elder Scrolls V Skyrim. This was our favourite game together. We met a few weeks before the trailer came out, messaged on that old rectangular version of Facebook that went ‘bloong’ for every message. We sent each other the trailer for it at the exact same time. Fuck I still remember the smell of the Chicken Chow Mein Pot Noodle on the side at the time. We brought every single edition of that thing. We were doing a no-levelling run on the Switch. She laughed at me for jumping at a Frost Troll. We joked about how much of a coward I was. I have killed that Frost Troll 15 times today.
and we're the ones who wrote it
The Axtracz says ‘I’ll have what then’s having’. The barman returns with three Wumpwoo glomulants, two Rumsis and a Scrump! "Cyberpunk 2077 will be a groundbreaking RPG with stunning visuals and genre-deﬁning gameplay, set to be released April 2020." She said ‘we’ll be together forever.’
Science & Technology
Don't look directly at the page, it can do permanent damage to your eyes I believe I have a 100% perfect ‘anti-vax-dar’. I have genuinely never been proven wrong on this, even if a few of my forecasts have yet to be proven (Marcus Rashford is one and I have never been more convinced of anything in my life). But this superpower never turns off, so when I am watching TV it still pings, and I need YOUR help to convince these people to take their vaccines. Dan Bennett 1) Starting off fairly easy, Mr Tumble. For him, you shouldn’t need to do too much work. It’s not that he’s staunchly anti-vax, he’s just a busy dude with all that Tumble-related stuff he does. I’m not entirely sure what that stuff is; he never seems to work, probably a landlord? That downside aside, how do you get him vaccinated? A C B I’m not here to fuck about Are members of the Tumble family able to Mr Tumble must’ve committed several mate; I’m going to sit this fuck? I imagine that’s how they’ve serious crimes, he just has those eyes that clown down and tell him managed to get a bloodline going. It’s know where the bodies are buried, so I the facts of why he should even spread to different countries in would invite him to America and wait for take that vaccine using my persuasion racially-insensitive ways; I just don’t him to be arrested on arrival. Then, when skills. My loaded Uzi has nothing to do quite know what a Tumble would be they go to give him the lethal injection he with this; I just need to hold it when attracted to. I would have a good guess almost certainly will be sentenced to, I around clowns. and use that to catﬁsh Mr Tumble, having will simply swap it with the vaccine! our ﬁrst date at the vaccine centre. 2) Mr Bean, again not intentionally anti-vax; it’s just every time he would be going to get a jab, another whimsical jape occurs. You need to create a perfectly jape-free environment, so this man can get to the vaccination centre. How do you do it? C A B I would buy the biggest jukebox possible I would convince Mr Bean he needs to Murder him. We all know Mr Bean is and, from a distance where I couldn’t catch Coronavirus to win a new car, so via canonically unable to die; he’s more of an possibly be involved with any comedic the law of hijinks, everything will happen emotion rather than a living creature. So mishaps, blast copyrighted music so any to him to prevent that. Busses full of mask if I were to hit Mr Bean with a massive misadventure compliance, his tongue getting caught in truck, he wouldn’t die, but he would couldn’t be legally the toilet door as he tries to lick the probably be contained in comedicallyrecorded, thereby handle; the perfect ending is him getting large bandages that would make him not being able to accidentally vaccinated as he swallows a easier to transport to the vaccine clinic. Admittedly, his immortality may defeat happen to him. used needle in desperation. the point of ‘giving him the vaccine’, but I just really want to hit him with a truck! 3) I would like to take a moment to say 90% of the TV I consume is made for kids, and I haven’t watched a TV show of my own free will in years. That needs clarifying because the ﬁnal character to be vaccinated is George The Pig. Okay, let’s look past the fact he’s two years old for a second; in pig years, he is getting close to the vaccination age, and that limit can get lower at any time. There is no denying that George would be an absolute little shit about getting vaccinated just like he is about every part of his existence. How would you do it? C B A Vaccine needles in muddy puddles. He Convince George that Mr Dinosaur has Nothing as George only has two fucking loves those puddles mate, the Coronavirus. Start by making dinosaur characteristics in puddles and dinosaurs, wouldn’t even notice me glueing 1000 cough noises when he’s not looking, paint there’s nothing else to him; the fact this him a shade paler every night, be show of empty characters got so popular needles to the bottom of it. imaginative with it, they don't have to be is ﬁnal proof that kids are fucking stupid Turn Upside Down to Find Out Your accurate symptoms, just make him and forcing that generation to have their formative years during a horriﬁed into getting that jab. Results global pandemic is what they deserve for their terrible media consumption decisions.
Mostly A - Congratulations, you’ve vaccinated all the characters! Mostly B - Mixed results, some are vaccinated, some are dead, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault. Mostly C - You killed them all. Thank you. 25
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Damn bro, who got you satirising like that?
'Hit It And Quit It' Alternatives
Need advice? Ask Aunty B your burning questions at email@example.com and we might answer you in the next issue. How can I ﬁnd someone for my single friends to match up with? In a relationship, it's common to want to ﬁnd someone for your single friends, so they can be as happy as you are and go on cute double dates. However, it's not your friends' singleness that's the problem. It's you. You've found yourself a partner, and now you've become sad and boring, and instead of letting your friends, still wild and free, enjoy themselves, you want to drag them down into your pit of domesticity with you. You have two options, submit to your monotonous life and watch your friends live their much more fun and interesting life and support them from the sidelines, or ditch your partner and return to the far more exciting world of sloppy hookups and drunk texts.
Swallowed and unfollowed Split in two and bid adieu Farted and parted Nail and Network Rail Queefed and bequeathed Fisted and unlisted Railed and never mailed Sound and ‘see ya round!’ Ride and hide Fill the hole and off you roll Top and drop Stretched out and left out Doggied and bodied Eiffel Tower and cower Explode and hit the road Cumshot and forgot Pissed and missed Breed and mislead Blow and go Bust and leave in the dust Nut and cut Cow girl and hurl Rimmed and trimmed Pillow bite and leave the site Cuck and chuck Rub and unsub Handy and abandy Caress and change address Reach around and buried in theFinger and don't linger ground Squish their face and leave the Grapefruit and commute place Gash and dash Facesit and quit Choke and revoke Pull their hair and no longer Demolish and admonish there Sissify and say goodbye Leather play and stay away Vers and reverse Will Rowan & Beth Hubbard
I've had freshers’ ﬂu for over a month! How do I get rid of it? Freshers’ Flu™ is a conspiracy created by Big Pharma to sell more Lemsips. They’ve been putting toxic chemicals in the cheapest instant ramen for decades. Unfortunately, even if you do wake up and stop being a SHEEP, on a student budget, you can’t really afford not to eat that cheap ramen. However, luckily for you, I was recently forwarded an antidote on Whatsapp. Simply mix some nutmeg into a pint of cum (homemade is best, but store-bought is ﬁne) and chug it - this should counteract the effects of the toxins and get you back to full health in 3-5 business days. The voices are getting louder. Sometimes, when we experience auditory hallucinations, we can worry for our sanity - but don't worry, disembodied voices telling you to do horriﬁc things is actually a completely normal side effect of reading The Lemon Press. If these voices are starting to interfere with your life, the best way to get them to subside is to do whatever they say, even if it may seem illegal or immoral.
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Freddo Price to Replace RPI in Student Loan Interest Rate Calculation The Bank of England formally announced yesterday that the Retail Price Index, a long-standing index used as a measure of price inﬂation, used as the basis for student loan interest rates, will be replaced from April 2022 by the change in the price of a Freddo chocolate bar year-on-year. The popular chocolate confection is often used as a colloquial measure of inﬂation, however, it has not received ofﬁcial recognition from the Bank of England until now. Governor of the Bank of England, Andrew Bailey, said in a press release: 'It has long been considered that the popular so-called 'Freddo Price Index' (FPI) should be given a form of ofﬁcial recognition. Thus, in order to preserve most of the economy and banking sector, the decision was made to assign the FPI measure of inﬂation to the most pointless area possible - student loan repayments. Honestly, why do we even bother getting people to pay it back when most graduates never earn enough to become completely debt-free?" Bailey has been reached for further comment, but, so far, a clariﬁcation has not yet been issued, and it is unclear what the Governor meant by 'the most pointless area possible'. Ronnie Young
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Welcome back children, I hope you all had a good and mindful Samhain. While the barrier between our world and the spirit world was breachable, it seems some spirits passed through and have since become trapped here with us when the barrier resealed. I’m not sure if these spirits have unﬁnished business, have nothing better to do, or are just bitter, but they seem to be malevolent.
The next full moon isn’t for a little while Anyone found to have broken this rule will yet, so we will have to put up with the have to drink the own-brand ﬂavoured ghostly presences for a bit longer. Do not drink mix alongside Kevin next week. antagonise them as they can be dangerous. As Lemon Children, we always encourage an open sexual environment where we’re free to enjoy our own sexuality and the sexuality of others and explore the many wonders of the human form. I understand the carnal curiosity you may have to explore the spectral form, but I think this may have happened because under no circumstances should you we didn’t do the traditional Celtic practice engage in any sexual contact with any of sacriﬁcing cattle. Unfortunately, supernatural being. sacriﬁcing an animal clearly goes against our strict vegan principles, so instead, Sex with a spirit has the chance to result Kevin (former intern) has volunteered to in a demon spawn. Demon spawn are be sacriﬁced at the next full moon, known to feast on ﬂesh, and as such, we accompanied by a shared ritual bath, could not raise such a creature here, as it which should ward off these spirits. would contradict our vegan way of life.
TLP's Favourite York Pubs
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York Vision Covers That Never Made It Does York Vision have the most complex history of any student newspaper? Probably not, but it's the only one most of you know so here's a collection of (heavily redacted) times they had to change their original cover for one reason or another! B)
A) Since they are redacted we are not allowed to say why this was censored or what was actually behind it. Some observers, unconnected to student media, have said it looks like a particuar hat and uniform grabbing hold of a particular animal. What these observations may mean, their connections and the validity of said observations, cannot be discussed. It's up to you what you conclude here. B) For one of the older issues, YUSU were a lot stricter on what criticisms they allowed to be published or not. So when an unnamed SABB accidently let off anuclear warhead (through no malicious intent, we are assured), YUSU asked that the story not be published. This was difﬁcult, mainly due to the melting ﬂesh and screams of the editorial team. C) Ohhh boy we really are not allowed to talk about this one. Genuinely. We treid to make a joke and a YUSU representitive broke into our house and threw black paint all over the laptop. The joke is beyond repair, and now Justin Trudeau is claiming to have also been censored by YUSU during his student years.
...of your life. There's still a dozen pages left.
One normal day of Scribus. That's all I ask for
FIA to Remove ‘Sausage’ Kerbs for Safety Reasons, Replaces Them With Land Mines
Jake Paul Set To Fight The Demons In My Head
‘Sausage’ Kerbs, which sometimes launch F1 cars into the air, have received criticism on safety grounds, prompting the FIA to look into replacing them. Their proposed replacement for these kerbs, after much not very careful consideration, was to use land mines instead.
Internet inevitability Jake Paul's boxing career continues to grow as he picked his biggest opponent to date, agreeing to ﬁght the voices in my head that are telling me I have failed at life for not being as successful as internet celebrities at their age. The ﬁght was announced after my inner demons called out the Pauls on Twitter, and while no venue has been set yet the tensions between the Pauls and my mortal fears of irrelevacy have been growing for years.
The FIA note that whilst replacing ‘Sausage Kerbs’ with land mines will still launch cars into the air, but crucially will present less of a threat to those around them when coming back down since the car would be returning to the ground as a set of much smaller pieces. An additional advantage of installing land mines around the edge of racetracks is that it may cause drivers to take track limits more seriously. However, for some particularly unhappy drivers, being blown up by a landmine could be considered ‘leaving the track and gaining an advantage’. Other alternatives were considered, such as replacing the kerbs with actual sausages or replacing the kerbs with a small Dachshund named Colin. Chris Small
Manchester United Replaced Ole Gunnar Solskjaer with a PE Teacher Months Ago and Nobody Noticed Yesterday, Manchester United co-chairman Joel Glazer revealed to the footballing world that manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has actually not managed the club since the end of last season, with the Norwegian being replaced by Mancunian-Norwegian Physical Education teacher Joakim Eriksen. Speaking exclusively to The Lemon Press, Glazer claimed that common jibes at the 'relatively inexperienced, young manager' had encouraged the board to 'give the fans what they said they wanted' by replacing the so-called 'PE teacher' with an actual PE teacher, ﬂown in from Oslo in 2019 as a double for the former Manchester United player. Until the revelations were made public yesterday, it seems that nobody outside of the club had learned of the news or realised the change had happened, owing to the Eriksen’s similar accent and mannerisms, and the similar performance between the two managers, with United sitting [somewhere between fourth and twelfth on 17/19/20 points, edit appropriately after this weekend] after eleven games with Eriksen at the helm this season, a slight [improvement] on last campaign, when United sat sixth on 19 points with Ole at the wheel. Ronald Young 29
Jake Paul, whose career path is best summarised as 'what would happen if the Hindenberg noclipped through the ﬂoor of Lakehurst Field and kept going until it reached the moon', had never actually heard of his opponent until the Twitter spat, however, the chance to be the ﬁrst man to openly beat an inner demon proved too tempting. Pundits have already offered opinions; The True Geordie, shitting blood from every oriﬁce in excitement, said something about it presumably (we haven’t checked). On the undercard, Logan Paul is set to ﬁght The Queen. The rivalry between the two has been growing since 'a drubbing incident' outside Buckingham Palace, and sources close to thesomehow-more-likeable Paul have said, ‘Logan has already prepared for his decapitation and subsequent murder of The Queen with an apology video, where he pledges to learn from murdering elderly monarchs. We don’t think he has done it before, so with a sincere follow-up podcast the Internet should move on.’ Dan Bennett
An Apology to the England Cricket Team In the last issue, we made a series of jokes suggesting that the England Cricket team and, speciﬁcally, batsman Dom Sibley were hapless, with a series of cricket and high street-related puns. Following the shock performance of the England team at the T20 World Cup this autumn, we’d like to extend an apology to the England Cricket team, who are actually quite good, despite formerly being quite easy to be mean to. However, we will not extend such apologies to Dom Sibley, who isn’t in the squad, for rather obvious reasons. Those reasons are that he’s a very easy target that causes England to set rather easy targets. Ronald Young
"New" Manchester United boss Joakim Eriksen.
We have two pages of sports!
It was either this or more bean content
Who Said It: Ronnie The Tiler or Gerry the Four Minute Miler?
Since we last spoke, I’ve confronted Ronnie over his inconsistent shoddy workmanship and his consistent six years of sleeping with my wife, Debbie. He’s had a frankly ruinous effect on the integrity of our ﬂooring and our loving marriage.
A week after he stopped being the handyman of the house, I found he’d ﬁlled the place with time-delayed motion-activated speakers. He says he’ll only stop playing with us and start paying child support if I can ﬁgure out who said each message. I need your help. Was it him or our athletic neighbour and my wife’s personal trainer: Gerry The Four Minute Miler? I walk through the front door and am already greeted with a wall of sound.
Which one of them is singing Bonnie Tyler??? God oh God. This was our song Debbie, just… need… to… get… up… these… shit… stairs... ‘This is my stairway to heaven Debbie. God you look good.'
‘I’ve been working my quads since last weekend. I came ﬁrst.’ Just get to our room. Get in. Get in… ‘I’m going to leave your thighs as red as an undercooked frozen steak from Iceland.’ ‘Let’s get this toolbox open.’
‘How long do we have the house to ourselves tonight? Is your husband still babysitting our kid?’
‘Careful Debs!! That’s my Lance Armstrong tribute testicle, it’s very tender!'
‘Have you been working on your pelvic ﬂoor as I showed you last time? Looking forward to this workout!’
‘He knows you’re 20 weeks pregnant, right?’
‘Hasn’t he realised it doesn’t take 20 weeks to tile a bathroom? Muppet.’ Upstairs, upstairs, need to get up. One foot… left… left... who left that sock there?? ‘Where have all the good men gone And where are all the gods?’ ‘Think we may need a plasterer here Debbie, can bring my mate Randy, he’s normally pretty plastered. See what I did there Debbie??? Hahaha bet your husband can’t tell ‘em like I can.’ ‘This bannister is just the right height.’ ‘Where's the streetwise Hercules To ﬁght the rising odds?’ ‘What’s the deal with underwear Debbie??? Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. That’s what I say, oh God I’m good.’ ‘Isn't there a white knight upon a ﬁery steed Late at night I toss and I turn And I dream of what I need’
If you have a loose definition of 'sports'
‘Let’s get these off…’ ‘Hhhold on thheee hhhandle Deb, yeahhh, just there.’ My stomach starts to feel funny so I dart to the bathroom. ‘That toilet is looking as good as the day I installed it. Shall we try out the sink again?’ ‘Look how high I can get my legs! It’s my new routine Debs, now you keep ‘em up and I’ll keep it up!’ ‘I run miles in four minutes, this is a marathon darling.’ ‘Keep going Debbie, that’s it!! We’re not done yet love.’ ‘MMMm oh yeah ahh ahh ahhhhh mmmm.’ ‘Knock knock who’s there?’ ‘Mmm Piss off Ronnie ahh mmmhhh hh hh ahhhhhh.’ ‘What’s he been doing in the loo all this time?’ ‘Mmm replacing the ahh oh yeah ﬂoor, oh Go don’t stop, he’s mmm… practically uhhh oh yeah mmm…. had to mmmmmmmmm mmmove in ahhhhhhhh lately.’ I collect my AirPods, clearly used by someone else in my absence, and drown out the sounds with Mr Brightside until I pass out on the bed where I proposed. Will Rowan
If we scraped the bottom of the barrel any harder we'd be filling the paper with wood
Horoscopes with Clairvoyante Cameron
Leo You will experience your very own titanic story! You’ll have your own Leo with you in a car! Unfortunately you will also die of hypothermia, scratching your skin so hard to try and warm yourself up that you will Taurus Ever seen that ﬁlm The Human Centipede? draw blood, but my, my heart will go on for you! Well, buckle up buckaroo.
Aries You will become overly obsessed with Wes Anderson, and everyone will secretly hate you.
Sagittarius You will witness an act of racism.
Capricorn Hey, Cancer has severe paranoia, reach out and be overly nice to them, help them with everything they're gong through.
Aquarius Gemini You’ll get trapped in Blue Planet forever. You’re so crazy! An absolute crackhead! We Pisces (Kill a sting-ray for Steve Irwin) can’t take you anywhere! No seriously, this Your existence will be put on FTSE. is an intervention you need to kick the Libra stuff, we all love you. You’ll run for congress, win, cheat on your wife with your secretary, kill her, cut up her Cancer Pretty sure Capricorn is plotting something body, dissolve it in acid, try to forget bout it, the police comes, you’ll go on the run, against you. but it will end with a shoot out leaving 14 dead. #justlibrathings Scorpio Scorpions! Scorpions everywhere!!!
Addressing Your Complaints To whomstever made the crossword in your latest issue,
Strike The Sonnet ﴾A Love Letter to Education﴿ How did we get to this extreme right now? Where the picket line starts in Vanbrugh Arms Lets not point ﬁngers at who cut who’s funds 35% can’t do that much to harm…?
You have caused mass tension in my household as we are unable to solve the crossword, more speciﬁcally 9 across: 'A small ball shaped pastry' as you have not provided answers, and we have googled to no avail, we are hoping you can put our minds at ease. There are no pastries that include the word hole, and I refuse to believe it is a donut hole Kind regards 3 girls, 1 crossword Thank you for your email. The architect of the crossword has assured us that the answer is, in fact, donut hole. A full investigation will be carried out as to how this scandal could occur, and in the meantime we will ban hole content until the issue is resolved. Kind regards Dan and Chris
It was essential to build that college, although your wages took a small set back Please don’t sue us as we need your knowledge but no more money you’ll spend it on smack From Greg’s Place to the winds up in the sky you don’t need a pension if you just die By Jharlie Ceffery
Space Filling Haiku It does not have to be good
Thank you for your swift response, however I am now crying and my housemate has beaten me to a pulp. Please do better next time. Kind regards, Now 2 girls, 1 crossword
Not Daniel Bennett 31
Letters, Poems,& Horoscopes
Right, that's the regular stuff done.
Slander? I barely know her!
Wordcloud Quiz Can YOU tell the Lemon Press author from just their wordcloud? Try and guess from the works of writers past and present!
1) Chris Small 2) Greg Waddell 3) Beth Hubbard 4) Will Rowan
Now time for the bonus round!
Have we had this header before?
Hometowns of York
You're studying here, you should know what it's like... Big Church, lots of little churches, an unhealthy amount of Geese, and an attitude that screams 'I should be in the south'. Not as fun as Leeds, not as nice as Oxford, but deﬁnitely safer than Durham. 7/10 Luke Horwitz
No, not Cheshire. Yes, I know you don’t know where Chesham is. We got to be in the news earlier this year when an old homophobe ﬁnally died and our once very safe Tory seat became a yellow Tory seat. For people that grow up here, there are two choices; you either stay in Chesham and develop a substance abuse problem, or you move somewhere better and probably also still develop a substance abuse problem. With a High Street entirely consisting of charity shops and coffee shops, and it being zone 9 on the tube (yes, there’s a zone 9), one of the best things about Chesham is the transport links that allow you to leave. Beth Hubbard
Malham Lovely because it's in Yorkshire, awful because it's full of Tories. Tourists and sheep abound, making it one half of a Welshman's paradise. Please never visit because then it might be nice. Nick Lunn
Living next to the world’s largest car park, the M25, certainly has its perk (singular). If you like breathing some of the worst air in the country, that is. Well, that and sharing that same air with a 70s-pop-star-turnedlocal-councillor. If you’re wondering whether you read that correctly because that sounds like the weirdest career move ever, then you probably did. Ronnie Young
Hertford An absolutely remarkable town with not one but TWO train stations. That's right, there aren't many places which are easier to leave, and yet most people there have been there for their whole lives. It's just that good. And who would want to leave with all the fun activities you can do there? Like visit one of the estate agents that make up half the high street or complain about how the town centre just hasn't been the same since the Waitrose left. What a wonderful place! Matt Davis
Imagine if this was Issue 100
Dartford: Not even once
The Lemon Press
You haven’t heard of it
You’ve heard of it for all the wrong reasons Leah Anne
This historic market town is full beautiful architecture and amazing shops. Located south west of Manchester, with great houses and transport. Footballers, celebrities and social media stars all live here, so in other words, everyone’s a wanker. Cameron Stenhouse
Known for having some ﬁreworks, which aren't even happening for budget reasons. Also has an inexplicable number of estate agents. You might think you've seen a high street with a lot of estate agents but Blackheath truly has an inexplicable number. By current trends Blackheath will be entirely estate agent by 2035. Chris Small
Oxford A beautiful historic city full of overconﬁdent posh white students, lots of churches, a river that ﬂoods regularly, an excessive number of geese and some vile brutalist architecture Alex Howarth
London I now live in York instead Henry Dyer
Dartford Getting off at a station where they never felt it necessary to make platforms long enough for ﬁrst class carriages, the ﬁrst thing that hits you about this Conferenceleague Sunderland is the misery that radiates from every face; even in the unlikely event that they’re wearing a mask, you can still tell they’re frowning through it. The modern population of Dartford was formed as the relatively-well-achieving pupils of Peckham and Bermodsey’s schools marched south over time to reproduce like a fertile Army of the Dead, with their zombie offspring given the sole ambition of ignoring every single negative inﬂuence for 18 years until they can Bruce-Wayne themselves out of the pit that is North West Kent. Indeed, if a Chernobyl-style disaster were to hit the town, you would only feel sorry for the poor Uranium nuclei who had to exert valuable energy to tear apart the already spiritually-dead atoms of the local residents. Any survivors wouldn't even have to worry about horrible mutations, as any third arm or second head would probably rip itself off out of sheer horror that it would otherwise have to stay on the body of somebody living in Dartford. Daniel Bennett
The page would be mostly water
Help stepbro I'm stuck trying to think of 38 headers
A Brief and Incomplete History of Recent Lemon Press Scandals Rose Blood: A hard hitting investigation into doping at Roses 2017. An investigation that hit so hard it brought down the YUSU president. Well it might not have brought down the YUSU president but what did is [redacted] so we can claim credit.
Vision: In Autumn 2018, York Vision is seemingly dead and buried after deciding to print a request for Nudes on its backpage. However, this didn’t stop some involved in our own much more reputable publication deciding to bring back York Vision, in some sort of hellishly bad idea that should besmirch their reputations forever. You might wonder which sort of people from the Lemon Press would do something as reputationally damaging as getting involved with York Vision, and whether they could be writing this very article. Well errr, hmmm.
Misinfo Wars: The Lemon Press’ attempts to conquer the airwaves were brought to a tragic end after the show allegedly ‘frequently and ﬂagratantly broke OFCOM rules’. And by ‘allegedly’ I mean ‘deﬁnitely. Before cancellation Misinfo Wars was able to raise important issues such as ‘What is worse: Noncery or Usury?’ and ‘how they’re aren’t enough school shootings these days’.
TLP Vs Hockey Vs The Nazis: An incident which started when a YUSU election debate chair innocently used the phrase ‘hockey Nazis’, which some escalated into an incident about press freedom as Doorsafe (fans of hole content) sought to clamp down on The Lemon Press. Campus legend has it that someone even read the billion page complaint submitted in the aftermath by someone who had far two much free time on their hands. The Lemon Press Joins Reddit: Self explanatory (not pictured: the member of the editorial team who is actually a Reddit mod. For the best.)
Roses Esports 2019: The ethical coverage of Roses Esports led to a brief and bloody feud with Frag Soc, leading to TLP writers’ gaming account’s being deleted and The Lemon Press issuing a humiliating apology. Brian Terry: People speak of an Activities Ofﬁcer so keen on upholding free speech that he eventually used his powers of free speech to write his resignation. R******: A mysterious man, with many identities. A strong campaigner against identity theft, which has been a problem, given that we’ve stolen several of his. Allegedly also a member of Saab owner’s club.
Butter the lore. Eat the lore.
We’re entering our posthole rather than ‘post hole’ era
And Finally... 3 Pages of Some of the Most Cursed Content From The Last 50 Issues of The Lemon Press Five Guys and You: The Perfect Lockdown
How's it all been then, this severance from the norm. Have you done alright? Picked up any hobbies? Done anything fun? Oh... you've not enjoyed it? Oh dear. Well I have to say, this is rather unexpected. I thought you'd love it! But not... hmm, well, do I have the trick for you then, all you need Five Guys. First off, let's talk about the ﬂuids. You need to know about the ﬂuids. General Ripper was right you know, ﬂuids are really important and you can't get better access to ﬂuids than with ﬁve guys. You will be absolutely bathing in ﬂuids. Obviously there'll be the chin dribble, you can't help that when you're involving the mouth, but what you might not expect is just the pure spread of moisture over your head, hair, and neck that Five Guys can give you. Then you get into the heft. The sheer mass of meat and ﬂesh that you get with ﬁve guys. If you're to take a hold of Five Guys, you immediately get the sense of mass, you feel almost a different sense of what it means to be under the inﬂuence of Earth's gravity. You also get an incredible opportunity to take in the texture. The comparatively high mass and density leaves a lower ratio of surface area than alternatives to ﬁve guys, but there's still more than enough to get your hands on and have the full experience. Finally, you have to address the rest of the sensations. The scent comes pretty close to the mass, and feels almost as heavy as well. There aren't as distinct sounds as one might hope for when coughing up as much as you need to for Five Guys, but if you really put your ears to to it, then you do get a separate distinct sensation. Sensation really is at the middle of all this, and if you're after a great sensation, I can't recommend anything more than ﬁve guys. Harry Clay Issue 45
YUSU Soctopus Denies Allegations of Sexual Deviancy
Driving the nail further into their humour cofﬁn, YUSU have taken another ill-advised foray into the realm of comedy with their newest member of staff, the YUSU Soctopus. Mr Soctopus fulﬁlled the usual role of a YUSU mascot – i.e. a fairly patronising attempt to connect with your average university pleb. Yet beneath the bowtie, there lay a hideous side to our eight-limbed friend and in those innocent glass eyes was reﬂected the most unspeakable debauchery. His facade of YUSU inanity ﬁnally came tumbling down when he was introducing himself to AnimeSoc, upon which one of their members blurted: 'Hang on a minute, you seem familiar…' Unfortunately, YUSU’s background checks proved to be woefully inadequate and failed to account for YUSU Soctopus’s (or to give him his real name, Tentacool Hentaicus’s) deep embroilment in the Japanese porn industry. Many incidents of gross misconduct emerged during his three hour commission. Most unfortunately, what was to be a simple and inclusive experience for the student community spun out of control into a whirlwind of deviancy, hedonism and perversion. According to one onlooker, Mr Soctopus was found attempting to copulate with an AnimeSoc advertisement, hufﬁng and slobbering the words: 'Yes… Yes… Beautiful 2D. Bring back the good old days'. Others attest that the octopus was snorting MDMA from the breasts of a prostitute dressed as a schoolgirl in the Derwent toilets, yet these are only a few of the myriad of complaints against him. Mr Soctopus denies all charges and claims anything that did prove to be true '...was simply banter' Gabriel Bramley, Issue 23
Ram Says 'Kitchen Nightmares’ This week the eyes of the scientiﬁc community have been focused on York after the discovery of a Ram who can speak. Gordon, born and bred upon the plains of Yorkshire, has spoken to humankind and The Lemon Press for the ﬁrst time. His ﬁrst words were 'Kitchen Nightmares’, quickly followed by 'WHERE’S THE LAMB SAUCE!?!?’ . Scientists are puzzled as to the source of the Ram’s linguistic aptitude. Upon hearing the latter exclamation, a nearby lamb gave a sheepish look, giving two shakes of its tail before hurriedly running away. A surprising show of awareness given the existential threat posed by Gordon’s extended culinary and linguistic palette. Will Rowan, Issue 35
Shit the law.
I should be working
Top 3 Beer Hall Putsches 3. Koen Lamberts Ousted From UoY Yes. It ﬁnally happened. With the combined strength of disgruntled pensionless lecturers and chairs swivelling at full force, over the summer Koen Lamberts was forced out of Heslington Hall and made a rapid retreat further south. It was a glorious day for everyone involved, until they remembered that he was simply going to be replaced with another chair swivelling, pension disputing husk of a person. Gains points for ﬁnally getting rid of him, loses points for him not running far away enough. Points: -16,000/16,000 2. The Munich Putsch Genius plan from Hitler and Co. of relying on threatening important ﬁgures in the state government, and then leaving them alone overnight in order to safely betray him. Other brilliant parts of the plan include only carrying out the Putsch after support for the German government began increasing again. Loses points for the Nazism, gains points for Goring being shot in the leg. Points: -8/11 1. The Gunpowder Plot Ok, ﬁne, I know this one is tenuous, but with all the bars and drunk MPs, I think I can get away with calling the houses of parliament a beer hall. Technically the ﬁrst of many attempts of reforming the House of Lords, and as about as successful as all the others. Gains points for the subsequent ﬁreworks displays, loses points for the Papism. Points: 5/11 (There were two more Beer Hall Putsches in the original article but they, err, didn’t make it in for some reason) Lucy Purkis Charters and Chris Small, Issue 39
‘Brian Terry Found and Killed in Afghan Cave’ Activities Ofﬁcer-elect Brian Terry has ﬁnally been found after what was rumoured to be ‘Where’s Wally’ cosplay gone wrong. It was discovered that Terry had been hiding in a cave in Afghanistan, and operating as an anti-YUSU extremist, supposedly masterminding the devastating attack on Courtyard’s chip fryer in conjuncture with proscribed group Panto Soc (see issue 44). In a hunt that has been taking place since his election, Seal Team HAZSoc announced that Mr Terry had been executed for his crimes against Courtyard in what seems to have been Samara Jones’ ﬁnal executive order. The following last words were transcribed from a HAZSoc body cam: “I’d rather die in this cave than go back to that god forsaken brutalist shithole. Wait no! What are you doing?! I didn’t mean it like that! Put the gun dow-.. wait why’s it orange? Is that a Nerf gu- AGHHH” 37
University's Oldest Fresher, 72, Excited To Play 'College Bingo' Freshers Week is an exciting time for all students starting university, a combination of meeting new friends, enjoying nights out all week and slowly realising that the unhappiness you felt growing up wasn't due to school or your hometown but rather an irreparable crack in your soul that you will never be able to ﬁx, merely wallpaper over with a copious amount of alcohol shared with people who will never see your true pain. Judy Horncastle is one such plucky fresher but with a key difference; the new Derwent resident is 72 years young, and has one university tradition in mind. The former dinner lady picked up a fondness for Fine Art in the past few years and was encouraged by her great-grandson to go to university. "I was initially nervous about having to pay tuition fees, but after my Granddaughter pointed out I would not be around long enough to pay them off it was a no brainer!" said the 40 a day chainsmoker. "Of course I am looking forward to learning about the ﬁne arts at a top university, however I am really interested in taking part in the traditional 'College Bingo' activity. I used to love playing with my girls at the local hall, but they stopped coming, one by one, until it was just me left. I have been playing with myself for too long now, so I am thrilled there is such a strong community of players here at York!” Judy was keen to discuss her Freshers plans with us, talking about how nights out with the Bowls club on a Wednesday could lead to several rounds of bingo with the dream that she would be able to get a ‘Full House’ one night with the other senior freshers she will be sharing a ﬂat with. When asked about what this meant for her sexual activities, she laughed. "Oh no, I don't get that kind of attention anymore. It used to be from my husband, but he doesn't seem interested in me these days. I try to give him a peck on the cheek but it's like kissing a framed picture of him from the past, he just feels cold now. It would just be nice to get affection from someone who didn't do it just because they felt like they had to." In order to avoid attracting any attention from the opposite sex, it is advisable to be seen reading The Lemon Press. Dan Bennett, Issue 47
Harry James Issue 44.5 (Image by Holly Palmer)
You've made it to the end!
Ritual demon summoning, Derwent loos cubicle 3, Starts 6:66, End: Unknown
Here's What 'Big Smoke' from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Would Get If He Ordered From Some York Takeaways 'I’ll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.' One of the most iconic, era-deﬁning, and philosophically questioning sentences in human history. But how does this order, ostensibly for food, ﬁt into our 2018 York lives? What would Big Smoke get? How much would it cost (without any discounts)? Why am I writing this? Will the results suggest that God is dead and poor culinary practice killed him? This special investigative feature ﬁnds out. EFES: - Two 11" and one 14" Bacon pizzas ('Pizza sauce, bacon, mushrooms, onion & cheese) - One 11" London pizza ('Pizza sauce, chips, cheese & extra garlic butter) with 'extra dip', so in this case perhaps extra extra garlic butter. Yum. - One 11" Bacon & Pineapple pizza ('Pizza sauce, bacon, pineapple & cheese') - Two 11" Marianara pizzas ('Pizza sauce, seafood, onions, mushrooms & cheese'), one with cheese, so we assume one without cheese - A large soda Total: £53 PIZZA KEBAB HOUSE: - Two 12" and one 14" Vegetarian pizzas ('Mushroom, onions, fresh tomato, peppers, black olives & sweetcorn') - One 12" Ham & Mushroom pizza with 'extra dip', a choice between 'ketchup, mayo, garlic mayo, BBQ sauce, chilli sauce, garlic yoghurt & plain yoghurt' - One 12" Hawaiian - Two 12" Garlic Bread with Tomato, one of which also has cheese - A large soda Total: £52.70 SGT PEPPER PIZZA & GRILL: - Two 10" and one 12" Pollo pizzas ('Chicken | Sweetcorn') - One 10" Pepperoni pizza with 'extra dip', a choice between 'Chilli | Mayo | Ketchup | BBQ | Garlic Yoghurt | Sweet Chilli | Tartare Sauce | Garlic Mayo' - One 10" Ham & Mushroom pizza - Two 10" Tomato garlic bread ('Tomato Sauce | Garlic Butter'), one of which also has cheese - A large soda Total: £39.35 VIKINGS: - Two 11" and one 13" BBQ Chicken pizzas ('Chicken, onions, BBQ sauce & jalapenos') - One 11" Ham & Mushroom pizza ('Ham & mushroom') with 'extra dip', a choice between 'Chilli Sauce', 'Garlic Yoghurt', or 'Plain Yoghurt' - One 11" Big Boss pizza ('Chicken & doner, onion, green pepper, BBQ sauce, and a weapon to surpass Metal Gear) - Two Calzones Kiev ('Ham, chicken, mushrooms & garlic spread'), one with cheese - A large soda Total: £54.20 DOMINIC: - The likelihood of food poisoning one might expect from a, shall we say, establishment, that holds a one star food hygiene rating. (Check this one with the lawyers.) - A large soda Total: £75 (owed to The Lemon Press) Well, what truly profound results. Who says journalism is dead, eh? Henry Dyer Issue 39 (We cannot confirm or deny we send this piece in for every major New Journalist awards in the country, but we absolutely will claim this was the deciding piece in any awards win/nomination/snub.
Well done. Now go away.