The Lemon Press - Issue 61

THE

ISSUE 61 AUTUMN 2024

LEM N PRESS ON THE CUSP OF COHERENCE

The Lemon Press.

Like other student magazines, only funnier.

“TLP has made me into the person I am today! Thanks to my articles I now have a funny bracelet on my ankle which tracks where I go and who I meet!

Thanks to TLP, I can look my estranged father in my eye! He doesn’t look back or talk to me but it’s a start!”

Cameron Stenhouse Cameron once posted a recipe for napalm on our Instagram story; this was not the most trouble he got in for his social media output

Header? I hardly know her

Editors' Introduction

Greetings, and welcome to a new edition of The Lemon Press, the University of York’s premiere citrus-based satire magazine.

Whether you’re new to reading TLP or you’re a grizzled veteran, we hope the smorgasbord of content we have lovingly curated is to your tastes.

At a time when fresher’s week has become ‘welcome week’, YUSU has become York SU, and Dave Grohl has become a father, student satire is the only constant in our otherwise chaotic lives.

Oh, you’ve failed first year? Write an article. You’ve signed the lease on your second year house only to find it's the size of a thimble? Pen a poem. You’ve suffered a bereavement? Probably take the time to grieve and find support amongst your family and friends. Then maybe draw something!

What we’re saying is, we need student satire like it’s a Class A drug, and we want to get you hooked too. Whether you’re a returning undergrad who has seen us around and thought we were too intimidating (unlikely), a post-graduate who wants something more intellectually stimulating as a break from their PhD, or a fresher who has simply never heard of us, we want you, and frankly we need you.

Write for us, draw for us, design for us, film videos for us, turn up to our socials and never submit an article, it doesn’t matter, we’d love to have you. We’re all very nice, we promise.

With the begging out of the way, we can move on to previewing what’s actually in the issue: We start with a delicious campus section, where Lekha Doddamani settles a long standing campus bar debate, and we have AN ACTUAL PIECE OF JOURNALISM. Please look at The Journalism. We had to remember various things we’d forgotten about media law to get it published. Also we think it's good. It’s on page 7.

We’ve managed to peek through our fingers at the state of the world enough times to squeeze out a sharp News & Politics section which includes a summary of Donald Trump’s visit to Claire’s Accessories and a revealing look at the government’s plans for university finances courtesy of Max Latchman.

In Arts Samphire Ubsdell gives us a slightly scarring look into the personal lives of some beloved childhood characters, while in lots of other sections lots of other stuff happens. Look, just read it. We don’t have space to tell you everything that's happening. Do make sure you check out your horoscope over on pp 28 - 29, and have a go at our crossword, but we’ll leave you to your own devices now. Continue at your peril…

Eddie and Finola

Brace yourselves...

Contents pp 4‐7 pp 8‐13 pp 14‐16 pp 17‐19 pp 20‐23 pp 24 pp 25‐27 pp 28‐29 pp 30‐31

Campus News & Politics Arts Lifestyle Features Science & Tech Sports Horoscopes Poems & Games

The Lemon Press Staff Editors-in-Chief: Eddie Atkinson & Finola Ma Sub Editors: Hal Muxlow Fisher & Lorcan Ray Campus Editors: Hal Muxlow Fisher News & Politics Editors: Hal Muxlow Fisher Lifestyle Editor: Lorcan Ray Science & Tech Editors: Vacant Arts Editors: Finn Russell Features Editors: Hal Muxlow Fisher Sports Editors: Vacant President: Finn Russell Social Media Editor: Lekha Doddamani Multi-Media Editors: Samphire Ubsdell, Louie McVey Webmaster: Max Latchman Ordinary Member: Joe Reavey Chief Illustrator: Vacant Illustrators: Max Latchman (Front Cover and Various), Eddie Atkinson (Back Cover and Various), Hal Muxlow Fisher (Various), Cameron Stenhouse (Various), Lorcan Ray (Various), Finn Russell (Various) Contributors: Maisie Hemmings, Joe Best, Boe Jest, Adam Berry, Jack Stuart, Cameron Stenhouse, Matt Davis, Boaty McBoatface, Nince the Noel, Anonymous contributor, Know-Well the all-seeing one, Cleremy Jarkson, South Garethgate, Brussell Rand, Sal Vatian, Laura Mipsom Contact the editors at: lemonpresseditors@yorksu.org Contact the society at: lemonpress@yorksu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Except on page 7. Page 7 is filled with facts and attributable quotations. Produced 15th September 2024.

Contents

3

Please email lemonpress@yorksu.org we need help opening a jar

University Scraps Contact Hours So Lecturers Have More Time to Focus on Developing Weapons for International Conglomerates After its latest bout of cuts failed to save it from financial difficulties, the University of York has decided drastic action must be taken.

The University has finished the job it began when it cut the Natural Sciences department, and cut the contact hours offered by every department to exactly zero.

They had this to say, “as a business, the University has to cater to its customer base first, and Lockheed Martin are about as loyal as they get”.

TLP Explores a Long‐Standing Debate: V Bar vs Courtyard Students at the University of York are puzzled with which student bar to start pres in, and in a recent 2024 TLP poll the student body answered which bar is better: Courtyard at a whopping 69% and V Bar at 31%. One student claims, "V Bar doesn’t have Guinness?????" However, data reveals that numbers don’t fucking matter because clearly the right answer is Glasshouse.

Lekha Doddamani

York Student Held by the Authorities It was a lovely hug :)

“We used to think giving students the education they were paying nine grand a year for was a key part of our operations, but we realised that we get a lot more money if we invest their fees into our weapons division and tell them they’re lazy and should be doing more independent research”.

Eddie Atkinson

“We found staff often missed crucial emails about bomb supply chains when distracted by lectures or nurturing scholarship, and knew we had to act”.

As the University of York completes its transition into military R&D for the highest bidder, it assures us all staff in humanities subjects will be well looked after, with the option of either taking on a new role at the company (weapons test dummy) or taking a voluntary redundancy package that will involve forward pay for a whole three days.

Eddie Atkinson

Image Credit: Seth Reese

York SU to Bring Back Town Criers With the student union rebrand comes change. From an overwhelming lack of responses to the University’s newsletter via email, they have decided to switch things up.

With the woke agenda seeping its way into recent student opinion, the union will bring back something I find both nostalgic and brilliant. Back in my day, getting heckled on the street was fun - not because of catcalling and lack of feminism, but because of the pure information that would be thrust upon me. Thankfully, the best generation will be venerated through the next campus employee.

A town crier is scheduled to announce important news in the Market Square. Along with the official merch shop, Nisa, and print shop, which supplies students with the most important material - both physically and metaphorically - this quirky fella has a hard job ahead to live up to such legendary establishments.

We wish him well in his endeavours and hope they pay him well enough to afford an umbrella for the damper months.

- Nana Margaret (rip) Maisie Hemmings 4

Campus

Join the society...

How long can we keep getting away with making Long Boi content?

Top 10 Things to Do on a Tuesday Night If You Used to Go to Kuda Tuesday

Disney Begs University Students to Keep Taking 'Mickey Mouse' Degrees

With the death of Kuda Tuesday last year there is a generation of students who find themselves with nothing to do on a Tuesday night. Here at The Lemon Press we do not let your past mistakes of going to that shit club govern your future Tuesday activities, here are our top ten favourite alternatives.

With Big Government and business students with a plan for the next great make-someone-love-me machine multi-levelmarketing scheme heaping pressure on students to avoid socalled ‘Mickey Mouse’ degrees, one plucky corporation stands against the tide.

1. Strive to be better.

2. Push for change (Kuda dance floor must have given you enough pushing practice…seize the day).

3. Turn yourself in.

4. Breathe into a paper bag.

5. Make someone else’s day.

6. Understand that change is possible.

7. Recognise that acceptance is a process that may take time.

8. Liberate your spirit and the spirits of others to form new collective bonds you once thought were impossible.

9. Your material conditions are the result of a system that works against your interests and changing the system so it works for the many is your moral obligation.

10. Ziggy’s indie nights (if applicable).

Disney is a family owned company (presumably whoever owns it has parents or something), founded by a man with two core aspects - his ability to create whimsical worlds and his rampant antisemitism.

Lorcan Ray

Plagiarism on the Rise ‐ Lecturers Worried About Academic Integrity Following the rise of various AI programs, lecturers have expressed fears that newer students aren’t “putting in the effort”, and are simply asking a robot to do it for them.

The University of York has stated that it will do everything in its power to combat these issues.

Joe Best

Plagiarism on the Going Up ‐ Teachers Worried About Academic Integrity Following the rise of various artificial intelligences, lecturers have expressed worries that newer students are not “putting in any effort”, and are merely asking a computer to do it for them.

The Big School of York has declared that it will do everything in its power to fight these problems.

Boe Jest

... we won't ask again ﴾we will﴿

With recent ventures struggling to make the money they used to because of woke (or because no-one has come up with an original idea for about ten years), Disney has revealed they have been kept afloat by a surprising source: revenue raised from degrees that take inspiration from their star man.

Mickey’s legacy has been in jeopardy for a while - Remy the Rat and Glenn Powell the Capybara have dethroned him as the most popular rodent in the world, and SteamBoat Willie entering the public domain has inspired hundreds of not very good horror parodies. Mr Mouse’s stock has never been lower, but the continued use of his name to describe arts degrees had given his image the rebrand it needed. Can anyone explain how the link makes any sense? No. Email us if you have any idea because like what does he have to do with employability? He’s a mouse with a slightly noncey voice not a demonstration of the uselessness of art history. Oh well.

The University of York has hit back by requesting that actually everybody should stop doing any degrees at all. They can’t afford to put on extravagant governors' lunches AND offer teaching,, and they think we’d all agree one should take precedence over the other.

I’m Looking for a Man from Campus West

Eddie Atkinson

With an instagram 70 cm Grey beak Orange feet Lorcan Ray & Hal Muxlow Fisher

Image Credit: Hal Muxlow Fisher

Campus

5

Satire state of mind

New “Single Students’ Union” Under Investigation by the Equality and Human Rights Commission The merger of the Graduate Students Association with YUSU to create a “Single Students’ Union” is now under investigation for potential breaches of the Equality Act. Marriage status is one of the lesser known protected characteristics in the Equality Act and this investigation by the discrimination watchdog follows concerns that a Single Students’ Union could constitute illegal discrimination against married students.

The leadership of the merged union has sought advice from the Labour Party on how to best co-operate with an EHRC investigation. The Labour Party did not provide a direct response. However a sabbatical officer discovered a potentially useful scrap of paper left on a toilet floor in the Ron Cooke Hub a few days after the BBC Question Time election debate. TLP’s finest writers struggled to decipher the lawyerly handwriting, but it appears to say “I have changed my party. Change! blah blah blah blah CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE! Blame the Tories.”

We asked the Downing Street Press Office if this was Sir Keir’s advice for dealing with an EHRC investigation. Within minutes, we were arrested under the Official Secrets Act and had the note seized on national security grounds.

Max Latchman

New First Bus Routes Are Bussing For any new students reading this, you won’t be alone when figuring out what the difference is between all the different bus routes on campus. Thanks to the hugely popular and great bangfor-your-buck company, FirstBus, the 66 and 67 buses will be replaced by the U1, U2, U3, and U4.

Eagle-eyed readers may notice these buses mirror the number sequence, preceded by the mysterious letter U. And the reason why is very heartwarming: U1 is shorthand for “You won!” And U2 means you won as well: “You too!” and so forth! Everyone's a winner - YAYYY. But what have we won, you may ask. Well, dear reader, the prize is learning that a pack of ten trips is now one whole pound MORE expensive in the latest student deal. Hurrah!

Jack Stuart

A Fresher's Thoughts on TLP Membership I have recently become a member of a new student paper, born outside usual editorial standards. I plan to be a loving and supportive The Lemon Press member. I love my wife and children and I am doing everything I can to write satire and earn back their laughter and praise. We are grateful for your consideration towards all the articles involved, as we move forward together.

- An actual organic fresher with A-Level results Lorcan Ray

“Please Stop Calling Us YUSU” Begs YUSU’s Marketing Team In a heartfelt message to departments and societies, YUSU has asked everyone to stop referring to it as “YUSU”. YUSU’s CEO, who The Lemon Press are not naming for legal reasons, said in a statement “We think that the abbreviation “YUSU” isn’t very inclusive, so we’re going to stop using it. Please stop calling us YUSU. We now go by the much catchier name York SU.” When we asked YUSU for more clarity on the problems with their legendary acronym, YUSU said “Hang on, did you just write an article referring to us as YUSU eight times? We’ve had it with you lot! If you call us YUSU again, we’re going to get you shut down!”. When we asked a follow-up question to this response, YUSU This article has been cut short as it was deemed incompatible with the values of the University of York Students’ Union (formerly YUSU). For more information on our values, please follow us on X (formerly Twitter). Although we maintain our X account, we condemn Mr. Musk’s attitude towards recent violence in the UK. However, we commend his determination with his rebranding of a well-recognised brand and wish him the best of luck in this regard. We are certain that our rebrand will be more successful though, because we hired branding consultants to help us. We recognise the value of the consulting industry in providing employment to our members, and are glad to put our money where our mouth is by hiring consultants wherever possible.

All consultants are geniuses. We also recognise cost pressures on universities and thus students’ unions. For this reason, we seek to minimise our spending on consultants. Additionally, consultants aren’t always right about everything, and are often best ignored. In summary, we’re called YUSU now. Whoops! I meant “The University of York Students’ Union”. If that’s too long, you can call us York SU, but absolutely not Yorksu or YORKSU. We’re watching you.

Max Latchman 6

Campus

York SU, more like [insert funny pun here]

Actual journalism?!?! Do not scratch your eyes

Genuine Journalism Warning!!!

We mean what we say in this article, and this article alone Sabbs with Benefits In a shocking spurt of real journalism, The Lemon Press has uncovered a genuine exclusive. TLP cunningly intercepted an email from the University of York SU HR department, (they accidentally sent the email to the wrong person, we’re not the News of the World), which revealed that Sabbatical officers at the Union are offered a free 12 month membership at York Sport, which would usually cost a student £285, ‘to help spread the word’, and have been for a number of years.

The email was clear that the offer was only available to Sabbatical Officers, who should be ‘sensitive when discussing around other York SU staff’. Is there anything uncomfortable about offering a free gift specifically to elected officials? We wouldn’t dare comment… Is it worrying that companies are specifically targeting decision makers for benefits rather than trying to win over the actual student body? Our lips are sealed… Are we hoping that the Union let us publish this because the rest of the staff haven't got any gifts? Yes, yes we are. [If you’re seeing this, the SU has let us run the story and we should all give it a big pat on the back for impartiality - Ed.].

The union does not pay for the membership, so it's tricky to see how it would run as an employment benefit scheme, but we’re perfectly willing to see it that way if someone gives us some form of gift. We’re thinking a citrus tree made from solid gold?

Maybe an esports equivalent to the gym pass (none of us actually exercise)? We’d probably settle for someone letting us actually see the inside of Heslington Hall.

With gift giving from businesses to individuals under increased scrutiny throughout the country since new laws were passed in 2010 (we won’t tell you the name of the act because that might seem a bit accusatory of us), we at TLP are proud to see York Institutions sticking it to the woke left and keeping up a fine tradition of no-strings-attached gift giving that can be traced all the way back to friend-of-the-magazine Judas Iscariot graciously accepting 30 pieces of silver from local priests.

In the spirit of comradeship and friendliness (or having to follow strict media laws because we’re doing actual journalism), we reached out to offer ‘right of reply' to the Union and the University. Here’s what they had to say: A University of York spokesperson said: "These benefits were implemented following discussions between York Sport and York SU on how to best encourage students to lead active and healthy lives. The first-hand experiences of Sabbatical officers gives them the opportunity to lead by example when influencing others on the benefits of exercise for health and wellbeing."

"Sport England identified one of the barriers to sporting activities is having someone to participate with, and if encouragement comes from a trusted Sabbatical Officer, then students may feel more confident and encouraged to be active."

Lewis Parrey, Union Affairs Officer at York SU, said ‘One of my main manifesto points when I ran for this role was to improve transparency between the union and students, so I’m very happy that The Lemon Press has helped me in achieving this; I know they are big supporters of mine.

My understanding is that York Sport were so worried about our lack of exercise from sitting in long meetings with university staff that they generously extended this offer to us.

I dispute the claims that this is some sort of secret quid pro quo, as basically all other staff, our friends, housemates, and even the guy on the bus know about it (what's the point of going to the gym if you don’t tell everyone).

Obviously York SU works closely with York Sport but students are free to use whatever facilities they choose.’

Written by Eddie Atkinson

BRB putting 'broke an exclusive story' on our LinkedIn

Campus

7

Disinfect your headphones regularly our sub editor has an ear infection

Who Is Camp David and Why is He So Important?

Okay, I may not know much about American politics but I've heard this name come up a lot. He's helped settle a lot of international disagreements so he must be a pretty good diplomat right? But what is it about him that makes him one?

Is it his effeminate charms that put world leaders at ease?

Maybe.

But there's more to this, in the year 2023, camp David was involved in helping to reaffirm security ties between the USA, Japan and South Korea. And yet he was a huge player back in 1959, where he helped Eisenhower and Khrushchev come to an agreement to push back talks on the fate of Berlin. So is he some guy who's been working for a really long time, or have there been multiple camp Davids each helping the USA with its diplomacy?

Either way, it's clear that the USA is in his debt and he (or this group of people) deserve a national holiday in their honour.

Matt Davis

Wes Streeting Outraged That Water Molecules Are Allowed to Change State Without Asking Him First Lover of sailing metaphors and answer to the question “who could Keir Starmer appoint as health secretary who could be anywhere near as unlikeable as Jeremy Hunt?”, Wes Streeting has spoken out against the transition of H2O molecules from ice to water and back again, arguing they simply haven’t consulted him.

Streeting told TLP, “Often people don’t know what’s best for them, or even for their children. Luckily, I do. Molecules should retain their state of matter until I give them permission to do otherwise. I don’t care if silly things like the application of heat or the kinetic energy of the system make them feel like they need to change. From now on life is going to be a huge game of Simon says, except I’m Simon, and I mostly tell people to stay exactly as they are.”

Widespread Use of Invisibility Cloaks Could Give the EDL the Edge in the War on the Streets.

The English Defence League, well-known for being an organised and professional grassroots political movement built upon intellectual expression and meaningful displays of resistance, have got an upgrade.

Nigel Farage has been spotted at various seaside towns dishing out the newest form of anti-woke technology, which is sure to give the far-right the edge in the war against shops on the high street. The “Ghostly Advanced Modular Material Optics Network” or G.A.M.M.O.N for short will become standard issue to any EDL activist willing to ditch the tracksuit and ACTUALLY go incognito. Thousands of people have been issued G.A.M.M.O.N units after violence was seen in Aldershot, Hartlepool, Sunderland, Manchester and many more towns across the UK. For their second offensive on 7 August, thousands of invisible EDL activists took to the streets.

I was there people, a cloudy evening in Walthamstow, ten thousand anti-fascists protecting the immigration bureau, wondering when the EDL would turn up. Our chants of “immigrants are welcome here” and “fascist scum off our streets” quickly turned to ashes as an army of thousands of invisible demonstrators swarmed us from all sides, quickly breaking up the protest. The police were powerless in the face of the invisible swarm of EDL as they swept through the heart of one of London’s most diverse areas.

Now there is truly nothing in the way of Farage’s path to power, as clearly he now has strategy, organisation, level-headedness, honesty and a love for his country on his side.

Lorcan Ray

When not consulting the Potterworld forums or pretending he’s ever watched a single round of women’s boxing, Mr Streeting enjoys playing Pokemon; he’s said to particularly love the research side to the game, meticulously filling out his Pokedex and collating hundreds of findings, before ignoring them all and blindly glorifying the one entry that supports his worldview.

Eddie Atkinson

8

News & Politics

The invisible activists are pictured above

AGAB

We claim no responsibility for the attempt on Mr Trump's life

An Extract from Rory Stewart’s ‘Politics on the Edge’ Something I learned during my time walking through Afghanistan was that I loved the edge. I made sure to reach it as often as I could. As much as I loved it, if I went back there I would not be able to indulge nearly enough as edging is now illegal in Afghanistan. It’s hard to believe that such a wonderful place with wonderful people could be as restrictive as it became.

I saw many strange animals (such as the Persian Jird – an interesting rodent) in my time out there but nothing that piqued my curiosity like the hedgehog did at home.

The hedgehog has existed before us and I have no doubt that it will exist after us as well. This strange animal was known of course in Scotland, Wales and Ireland originally in Gaelic as that demonic creature, that horrid creature, and is the hedgehog celebrated by Shakespeare: “Thorny Hedgehogs, be not seen…

Come not near our faerie queen” This may not be the original phrase that Shakespeare intended but instead from something of a later edit. The original phrase may have gone something a little bit more like this.

“Horny Edgehogs, be not seen…

Cum away from our faerie queen”

TRUTH: Trump’s Assassination Attempt Was Really a ‘Claires’ Marketing Ploy to Show Off New Piercing Technique As an avid fashion icon, Donald Trump used the attempted assassination on his life as a way to show off his new piercing . The English piercing company Claire’s gained some free PR to show off their new method in piercing ears.

The Lemon Press has speculated whether this is a new pirate look or an ode to Elizabethan England. Will it be dangly? Or, like Trump himself, a stud? Who knows! [Trump is not a stud -Ed] Critics have suggested that shooting an ear with a DPMS AR-15 is probably a bad idea, but with the accuracy and lack of gun legislation anything works.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And just look at the results! Trump is already polling high with the pirate demographic!

Cameron “I’m not paying my £4” Stenhouse

It was this version of the quote that truly inspired me. You see, I had always considered myself to be something of an edgehog. By which I mean, I enjoyed edging my hog whenever I had a private moment to myself in parliament. There was nothing quite like getting closer to a climax in the middle of Prime Minister's Questions. Getting in between the nitty gritty of the Local Government Act to see if there is just a tiny bit of room to allow edging to become a part of how local government is done.

At the end of the day, I’d say that the main thing I learned was that it is hard to influence politics from the edge…

And I am hard from edging.

Matt Davis

HS2 to be Shortened Instead of going all the way from Birmingham to London Euston station, the Government has decided to shorten HS2 to go from Stratford-upon-Avon to Bicester.

In media briefings on the topic, Chancellor Rachel Reeves simply pulled a sad face turning out some empty pockets saying: "Sorey, no money".

Sir Keir Karma Image Credit: Eddie Atkinson

B&A Trump Image Credit: Cameron Stenhouse

Hillary Clinton Supports Kamala Harris' Run For President In a statement at the Democratic National Convention, Hillary Clinton made a speech stating the youth of today need to Hwak Tuah the polls and go vote.

- Anonymous Democrat party insider

Matt Davis

Assigned Gmail at birth

Matt Davis

News & Politics

9

Quite a few of these are now going to be quotes...

At last! A Glimpse of the Government’s University Rescue Plan Kevin the Intern has been lurking around in Whitehall and managed to recover this secret document from Bridget Phillipson’s desk.

After months of silence, it’s great to finally find out what’s in store for staff and students in the coming years.

A is for Accommodation - Universities will be expected to accommodate our fiscal rules and make efficiencies accordingly.

B is for Busts Commission - a review into the number of busts in university art collections in order to reduce the number of universities going bust.

C is for Cambridge - Did fine for the last 800 years, probably has enough funds to weather this one out.

D is for Ducks - Cheaper than qualified mental health professionals, not nearly as effective, but it’s the money that counts.

E is for European Universities - Close them to boost international recruitment. Some of them might struggle to afford our international fees, but they’ll have no other choice if we close their universities.

F is for Former Polytechnics - Which are having serious money problems.

Fire all the staff (economic burden) and recruit more students (economic asset).

G is for Graduate Jobs - There aren’t enough of them. This is best ignored as we are keen to encourage more people to go to university.

H is for Hull - They’re consulting on closing down their Chemistry Department. Fantastic initiative! Closing departments reduces staffing costs.

We hope to apply a similar model to all university departments by the end of this parliament.

I is for Imperial College London - Slightly uncomfortable name, but might help draw in a few Reform voters. Probably worth saving from bankruptcy.

J is for Jeffrey - Professor Charlie Writes us too many letters. Close Heslington Post Office to stem the flow.

K is for King’s Manor - Oxbridge is allowed to own Grade I listed buildings because it’s old, but York’s really overstepping the mark with this one. They’re thinking of selling it, so let’s encourage them to go ahead with this decision.

L is for Libraries - Expand them! The more time students spend in libraries, the less they have to spend with expensive lecturers.

M is for Maintenance - Maintenance means many things. We can reduce property maintenance costs in universities by encouraging them to follow the lead of the NHS, leaving buildings to fall apart because there isn’t any other choice. Maintenance also refers to maintenance loans. We think it is best to freeze these for the next ten years in order to help develop students’ financial education.

N is for NHS - Less money on universities means more money for the NHS! O is for Oxford - See Cambridge.

P is for Plate Glass - Universities Basically having the same problems as the Former Polytechnics, but slightly older so might have greater financial reserves. Why not try some voluntary redundancies?

10

News & Politics

Oh boy universities are running out of money...

...from our copy of W. E. Davies' 'The Technique of Freshwater Fishing' (1952) Q is for Quick-Release Bicycle Wheels - More easily stolen than bolted wheels and so are a drain on student finances. Let’s ban them.

R is for the Russell Group - Some of the older universities in this group have quite a lot of money.

Maybe it’s time for a bit of university communism?

This will have the added benefit of pacifying the Corbynites.

S is for Science Courses - Very pro-growth, but are expensive to run. Don’t know what to do about this one.

T is for Tories - Universities will hereby be encouraged to blame the Tories. It seems to work for us, so maybe it’ll help them too.

U is for UCU - We know we’re supposed to be the pro-union party, but this lot is getting rather expensive. Classifying them as a proscribed organisation could save money.

V is for VAT - We’re trying it on private school fees, so it might raise a few quid if we apply it to university tuition fees too.

W is for Walmgate - Stray Cows here should stop UoY students from escaping and talking to the press about their uni’s desperate financial situation.

X is for Xenophobes - Will be deported in order to boost the number of international students.

Y is for York - Ha Ha. Get fucked!

Z is for Zoos - Tomorrow’s abandoned university campuses could become zoos.

Alpha is for Alpha Males - Tough men create good times, right..? Which is why we are ensuring that every student regardless of gender can run their own dropshipping business and/or pyramid scheme in order to qualify for 'alpha male' status.

Profits will help to fund unis while the alpha males learn valuable life skills and help with the cost of living.

Beta is for Beta Minus Decay - A roadmap for making all neutron-rich UK universities emit electrons and anti-neutrinos is being discussed, with more details coming soon.

Gamma is for Gamma Rays - Studies show that radioactive students can be a cost-effective replacement for lab rats, great for use in the lab by science students (see Science Courses).

Delta is for Delta Airlines - Due to the rising cost of student housing, daily flights within the UK to and from lectures are being offered to students as a great way to cut costs and prevent the carbon emitted by first years from leaving the stove on.

Kevin the Intern was assisted by Max Latchman and Lorcan Ray

... if only someone would give them £9250 a year

News & Politics

11

'Try that hole between the reeds and the bank...

Pedalo Salesman Only Person With Legitimate Concerns About Influx of Small Boats Darren Swann of Scarborough has made history by becoming the first person to have a legitimate reason to fear the number of small boats arriving on Britain’s shores. Darren spoke to The Lemon Press of his struggles, saying “I’ve been really struggling to voice my concerns recently, as every time I say anything a lot of very elderly white retirees cheer loudly in support. At first I got quite excited because I didn’t know the community felt so passionate about my small business crafting pedal boats in the shape of British cultural landmarks, but I soon realised every time someone applauded me they’d follow it up with a quite a rude remark about different cultural practices and the nature of race.”

Darren continued, “I’m actually very supportive of continued immigration, and the stimulation it provides our economy, but I am just REALLY concerned that the market for tiny vessels has been absolutely flooded. While I have a lot of faith that my boats in the shape of Big Ben, Windsor Castle, Central Hall and Gemma Collins will continue to be big hits, my business can’t cope with this huge increase in supply.”

Darren hasn’t completely given up hope on his economic situation however: “I’ve realised that while the whacky watercraft market is in decline, the celebration of unadulterated racism looks like it could be a real money spinner in the next few years. I’m thinking about cashing in.” Darren revealed to us that he is planning to shift from carvings of British landmarks and icons to figures who are more relevant in the light of Reform’s recent gains, so we should keep our eyes peeled for his new fleet which will include homages to Mr Farage, Benito Mussolini, Mark Wahlberg and Winston Churchill (it’s great to be able to reuse some old favourites).

Boaty McBoatface

Image Credit: Max Latchman 12

News & Politics

We wish we could date a train

....it is a likely looking spot' (p.82)

Random Historical Figures and the Drinks I Associate with Them Over the ages it has been said by many mystics, religious figures and other vaguely wise-sounding people that the essence of an individual can be most truly discerned from their drink of choice (please don’t verify the authenticity of this claim). Since the study of history is a study of many lenses, each viewing a matter from a slightly different angle and with slightly different implications (or so my humanities-student friends tell me), I have decided to reveal exclusively to The Lemon Press what I assume the preferred beverages of a number of historical figures to be. This way, I hope to accurately increase our understanding of these individuals, and, by extension, many of the events they were involved in. May the historians of today and tomorrow thank me for it.

Nigel Farage: BLUDDY IMMIGRANTS – It’s like a Bloody Mary but with a distinct Westminster twist.

Grigori Rasputin: Cum. Vladimir Lenin: Cold water, vodka, and the sweat of his labours.

Joseph Stalin: Cold water, vodka, and the sweat of his labourers.

Leon Trotsky: Anything without ice.

Joey from “Friends”: Cum. Pope Paul III: Witch’s blood. Or maybe just the blood of the poor women his inquisition burned as witches. Mad bastard’s unlikely to know the difference anyway.

Hannibal of Carthage: The tears of defeated Romans. Also, cum. Maybe some of it is from his infamous elephants… Who knows?

Marie Curie: Solution of Potassium Iodide, to limit the damage of radiation poisoning. Oh, wait…

Donald Trump: Iced caramel latte macchiato. After all, at the end of the day the man is just a basic American bitch.

Bill Gates: Tequila. No mixer. The fact that he named his company after his dick proves what a notorious macho man he actually is.

Charlie “Big Chazz” Jeffery: Champagne. No more to be said there.

Socrates: Hallucinogenics dissolved in wine. That’s right, this is where all his grand ideas came from. In truth his chalice wasn’t poisoned with hemlock, he just overdosed when contemplating the age-old question of the chicken and the egg.

Genghis Khan: Lots and lots of alcohol to drown his insecurity: sources state he may have needed a big empire to compensate for a small dick.

Ross from “Friends”: I’d say “cum”, but I don’t think he has the rizz to pull that one off regularly.

Your mum: The one drink that has been the most recurring theme throughout this article. For the sake of diplomacy, I won’t mention how I know this…

There you go, consider yourself enlightened. What can I say, except you’re welcome? If this list cannot be considered a revelation of the deepest motives of humankind, I don’t know what can. I’ve talked at you for long enough now, though. Peace out losers, we’re done here.

Finn Russell

P.S. say hi to your mum for me

News & Politics

13

'In the past, too much thought has been given to the appearance of the spoon...

Emotions Pixar Should Add to the Cast of Inside Out 3: The College Years The author would like to preface this article by admitting that it was originally written for an American audience (don’t ask). Please enjoy his misguided attempts to relate to an audience across the pond.

When Inside Out was released in 2015 it was an instant classic, beloved equally by overbearing parents and people who believe they are controlled by tiny gremlins in their head. With the recent release of Inside Out 2 accompanied by the debut of new characters Anxiety, Envy, Embarrassment and ‘Ennui’ (very classy) to reflect main character Riley’s move into her teen years, we look at 20 characters Pixar might add when she crosses over into student life in a tear-jerking conclusion to the franchise: Imposter Syndrome No college experience would be complete without the looming sense that you absolutely shouldn’t be there and everyone who has ever said you’re talented has been involved in an elaborate joke at your expense. We’re not sure how you’d translate this to the big screen, but we’re thinking he looks exactly like Ashton Kutcher in his Punk’d era, although the audience never sees this because he exists only as an ominous off-screen presence.

The undying belief that you would be an incredible guest on a late night talk show We’re imagining this guy as a combination of Jon Stewart’s face, Conan’s hair, Jimmy Fallon’s laugh and James Corden’s attitude to minimum wage-employees. He would mostly tell Riley that any of the traumatic experiences she’s going through don’t matter because they’ll make great stories on The Tonight Show. He’d then wave to an imaginary audience and do the Alphabet Aerobics rap that Daniel Radcliffe did that one time over and over again until someone hit him.

Depression Listen, they’ve been dancing around it for a while with Sadness and Ennui, but that girl is mentally ill. She doesn’t need a brightly coloured homunculus voiced by Amy Poehler to save the day she needs Lexapro and an appointment with a college-provided counsellor who tells her to buy a journal and get more sleep.

Eddie Atkinson

Oasis Cover Bands Tragically Lose Out The Oasis reunion has brought much conversation about who should deserve to go to the gigs and who can afford to pay eyewatering prices to try and relive someone else's adolescence. But there's an untold tragedy in this news. The cover bands that are already losing work as a result.

We talked to Leon Llaggahher, the lead singer of Oasisn't who said: "It's just ridiculous that they think they can move in here and try and get in on our turf. I think we do their songs better than they do" A member of the band, noshowasis was slightly more positive about the move: "Our gigs have been getting pretty stale, so I'm happy with it... as long as they make more music for us to perform" The Oasisters, Gooddaysis and Orifice all declined to comment.

Nince the Noel

Noel Gallagher Has Really Tiny Feet Google it

By Know‐Well the all‐seeing one

14

Arts

Image credit: Eddie Atkinson

I Really Really Like Feet But I Couldn't Find This It's sad... The internet has disappointed me deeply Anonymous contributor

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... and too little to its behaviour.' (p. 83)

The Minions Of Capitalism They’re small, yellow, pill-shaped, and ravishingly sexy in a dangerous yet unattainable way, with their blue overalls and welding goggles: I’m of course talking about the minions. These happy little fuckers appeared for the first time as side characters in Universal Pictures’ 2010 hit film Despicable Me, but quickly achieved such popularity that they were given their own spin-off franchise. The minions have conquered the world of cinema and are here to stay. Most readers, I believe, would think this a good thing, but do not speak too quickly… under that cute exterior beats a heart of pure evil.

Evil, you say? Isn’t that the mission Universal Pictures has assigned to them? To find a villainous master and assist them in their unspeakable deeds? Maybe, but this is not the evil I speak of. The dark truth is that the minions have a nefarious agenda of their own, which surpasses the wildest capabilities of half-assed supervillain losers like Gru and the others appearing in the various Despicable Me sequels and spin offs.

Think about it… the minions carry out vaguely comedic actions in a variety of settings and they speak a combination of meaningless sounds and random words, occasionally taking the form of a song. That’s basically it. This means generating new minions-related content is relatively effort-free. On top of this, their extreme cuteness makes them highly marketable. What at first sight seems to be a crowd of energetic little helpers, brimming with raw sexuality, upon closer examination turns out to be a clever scam cooked up by the marketing department at Universal Pictures. The company can keep turning out content, and the public will consume it like the sheep they are… these minions may claim to work for Gru, but truly they serve the greater evil of a large corporation’s bank account.

You yourself belong on the list of people who have fallen victim to their wiles. Don’t deny it, you saucy little bastard! I KNOW you’ve seen Rise of Gru in the cinema 37 times!

So, there we have it, the uncomfortable truth of the matter. Still think the minions are so cute? Do you still go wild for the way they tease us with all those bananas they’re such fans of (I wonder what those are a metaphor for…)? Well… maybe. They are quite irresistible, but you can’t forget the truth that has been revealed. So, the next time you find yourself at the cinema with a minion adorably winking at you from the screen, you may want to think twice before letting it melt your heart. The bastards are out to get you.

Finn Russell

Netflix Announces Every Male Character in Bridgerton to Die in the Napoleonic Wars Fresh from another series following the successes of super-pimp Mother Bridgerton in her quest to make sure her kids marry the hottest people in Regency Britain in what is presumably some form of breeding programme, Netflix have decided the next instalment of the fan-favourite saga will have a slightly different tone.

Where previous seasons have focussed on lavish balls, steamy sex scenes and not mentioning the slave trade, Season 4 will follow the plucky Bridgerton boys into all out war. As is customary, producers have decided that any sort of research into historical realism is a waste of money that could be spent on locking Jonathan Bailey into a twenty year contract, so expect an experience that takes heavy inspiration from the battle scenes in Game of Thrones and the weaponry of the Vietnam war.

Duty-oriented Anthony will be an officer (they all will, that's how it used to work) tasked with the patriotic duty of convincing the working class foot soldiers that the whole thing is definitely worth dying for. Cheeky chappy (read man-whore) Colin will … actually he’ll be doing the same thing … as will the one with a long face whose name I can’t remember.

As for the women of the Ton, we can only assume that they’ll all be quite a lot happier in the absence of these very intense men who can’t stop making grand speeches about how horny they are. This viewer would not be surprised if the pages of Lady Whistledown’s newsletters are mostly filled with peaceful days and gay awakenings; look out for dramatic cuts between cannon fire and lesbian yearning set to an orchestral mash-up of ABBA’s historical classic ‘Waterloo’ and ‘Casual’ by Chappell Roan.

Eddie Atkinson

@thelemonpress

Image credit: Finn Russell

Arts

15

'At this point we'll look at tbe question of tackle' (p.108)

‘Ponies Past their Prime’ ‐ What Happened to the Cast of the 1986 ‘My Little Pony’ Movie?

Gusty - the blunt, itchy-nosed pony was always dishing out what she couldn’t take, both on and off the Equestria set. Her signature sneeze at critical moments was the funny escapism the world so needed. However, behind the scenes footage of the fan favourite film has since been uprooted, exposing the pony’s glitter prone nostrils as less endearing than we thought. Throughout filming and well into the ‘pony mania’ craze of the 90s, we’ve learnt that much like the other A listers, the horse was snorting half the snow in silicon valley. Gusty truly is a method actor with hooves, and she’s definitely not lost her commitment to sniffling.

Photographs surfaced of Gusty and her now ex-husband and ‘horsin’ around’ star Bojack Horseman racking up lines at the afterparty of the much loved 2017 ‘My Little Pony’ sequel. Of course, Gusty hasn’t seen the flash of the camera since her 1986 cameo.

Crashing a party full of young foals, I wonder what the new cast and generation thought of the one trick pony’s 40 year old ‘trick’. Was the young Rainbow Dash ‘dashing’ to the bathroom too perhaps? Let’s hope she doesn’t follow her predecessor’s gallop to ruin, or rehab.

The Grundle King - “Never fear! Never doubt! Grundles help to get you out!” Was the catchphrase of the fun-loving Goblin leader who aided the ponies in an inter-species path to save Equestria. It would appear that unless you are a colourful horse however, Mr Grundle is not the inclusive grandpa figure of our childhoods. The sinister truth would shock ‘my little pony’ fans all across the globe, as they woke up to find goblin-related hate speech on Grundle’s twitter last Thursday. He undermined the show’s timeless magical doctrine of empathy in a series of tweets targeting the goblin community, calling them “muck-faces” and “splat- mouths”, perpetuating dangerous anti-goblin stereotypes. He also discusses the perceived emotional and intellectual shortcomings of the green, pointy eared creatures in a MAGA related tweet the following day.

As a result, Grundle will lose his cameo in the new ‘Rings of Power’ series, the Lord Of The Rings director Peter Jackson released a statement attacking the anti-mystical extremist for his comments: “There is no space for Grundle’s outdated Mythocentricism anymore, maybe in the 80s, not now, these days the most enterprising actors sweat green slime, not water.” (The Grundle King is voiced by Danny DeVito btw) Lickety-split - The charming, ice-cream obsessed pony became a cult favourite, plastic lookalikes all around the world featured the actor’s iconic strawberry sorbet ‘cutie mark’, (this is what they’re actually called btw). She was the adorable butt of every joke, her loveable personality was controlled by desire for her frozen citrus treat, and food in general. She would humorously teach children questionable lessons on self-preservation if anyone dared taste some. The downfall of this horse can’t be sugar coated.

In 2015, following a very public divorce from ‘Shrek’s’ Donkey, the star legally changed her name from ‘lickety-SPLIT’ to ‘lickety-SHIT’. She doesn’t play with semantics. Just days after this, leaked footage most closely resembling the ‘two girls one cup’ experiment made its way to social media platforms, the world became a very bleak place for grown up ‘My Little Pony’ fans. Lickety had been harbouring a disturbing underground kink for 40 years, disguising it as purely a love for Cornetto’s.

Our favourite pink pony traded her sweet-tooth in for something very, VERY different. To be fair to Lickety-split, she changed the least out of all the cast members, unfortunately, she actually would lick just about anything.

Samphire Ubsdell

16

Arts

Keep up with us on X

'On this question of trout flies, I have devoted a chapter.' (p.16)

I Adopted a German Shepherd and He Didn’t Seem Pleased Hey! What the fuck are you doing? Please stand up and move away from my wiener. This is just one example of the inexplicable abuse I regularly receive when crouched in dog parks attempting to bag up shit. A few weeks ago however, I came to a realisation: I might get fewer looks if I actually had a pet.

This was how I found myself in the market for a dog, and what caused me to come across a beautiful specimen of a German shepherd named Klaus, who I adopted from Facebook marketplace immediately. There, I thought, job done, I can get back to my collection in peace. But this was just the start of my troubles…

As soon as Klaus arrived we struggled to understand each other; I would give him simple commands like “fetch!” or “sit!”, and rather than following suit, or even barking as I had expected, he had a tendency to look quite offended, stand up, and start speaking very agitatedly in German. While my linguistic skills are rusty, I had picked up a little bit of Deutsch from many late nights watching Karl Marx edits on TikTok, and was able to make out the rough gist of Klaus’ tirade. He mostly seemed to be asking questions to the tune of “where the fuck am I?”, as well as raising a fair few concerns about his duty of care to a flock of Pomeranian Coarsewool in rural Bavaria.

I thought this was strange behaviour for a canine companion and sought treatment from my local vet, but they wouldn’t even let me in. This was partly due to the fact that Klaus is quite an unusual looking hound by all accounts, and partly because I am very much banned indefinitely from all veterinary offices due to a misunderstanding a few years ago.

Eventually, dear reader, I had to make a difficult decision that dedicated pet owners will know all too well. If I couldn’t get Klaus the care he needed, I had to accept the alternative. If you love someone, let them go. And let go I did… To cut a long story short I am once again in the market for a dog, and am willing to trade a newly acquired loyalty card at ‘Barry’s Blackmarket Animal Euthanasia Clinic’, I will leave my contact details below.

Eddie Atkinson

A Guide to Making Friends at University but it's Just Lorem Ipsum Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Pellentesque imperdiet at eros sed sollicitudin. Mauris eget sem sapien. Suspendisse dictum, leo maximus venenatis rhoncus, dolor dui accumsan libero, sed euismod metus felis eget urna. Sed erat sem, luctus vitae vulputate at, bibendum ac felis. Proin pellentesque at sem sit amet sodales. Vestibulum gravida enim sit amet nisi mollis, dapibus posuere erat commodo. Cras aliquam volutpat mollis. Nam ultricies eros lorem, eu aliquet libero feugiat nec.

Laura Mipsom Klaus getting excited about the prospect of walkies Image Credit: Alexandre Gonçalves da Rocha

@thelemonpress

Lifestyle

17

'A pause in the moment occurs at this point...

Ranking 5 Green Flags to Look Out for This Freshers' Week Libya 1977 - 2011 - 10/10 - The greenest flag to ever exist. May or may not be directly associated with the rule of Colonel Gadaffi.

Bangladesh - 8/10 - This is a flag that might be completely green if you were red-green colourblind. That might be how being colour blind works, I sort of don’t know.

Zambia - 9/10 - Mostly green but also has a sick ass eagle on it so extra points.

Brazil - 7/10 - Loses points for yellow rhombus, gains points for confusing blue sphere which I presume is to thank for their footballing success.

France - 0/10 - Not green. Also French.

Eddie Atkinson

Top Tips for Improving Student Dorms and Homes Is your overpriced student house feeling drab? Is there mould growing in every crevice, and have you asked your landlords to fix it but they sit back and ignore you? Well, here are TLP’s ideas for how to convert that white-walled hell-hole into a place that's almost worth the rent you already pay.

First, you’ll need to acquire some galvanised square steel, eco-friendly wood veneers, and some screws from your aunt. Then remove all the walls from your room and rebuild it using the mentioned materials. Make sure to include a toilet, shower, and stove top on top of each other, and voila!

Lekha Doddamani

Louie in London: Random Encounters London is an incredibly unique experience within the hellhole that is the UK, in the sense that nowhere else in this nation will you encounter so many NPCs who will either give you a side quest or try and run you for your pockets. I’ve been here for three months on placement (don’t ask me what I do for work I actually don’t know, every weekday I black out between 9-5) and during my past 12 weeks here, some real strange interactions have happened. Please join me as I list the three main ones.

Limehouse – I was walking to go get the DLR and as I turned the corner, a man sporting some Deliveroo swag approached. It was as if I’d triggered a cutscene since he immediately launched into asking me for spare change. I don’t carry physical cash because I am not 80 years old, so of course I told him no, but what happened next shocked me – he was trying to pressure me into going to a cash point with him to draw out cash. You get to a certain point in your life where you just don’t care enough about possibly getting shanked so I just told him to fuck off and continued on my journey.

Monument/bank of the Thames – first week here, I was overwhelmed – my flat was shit, I had to cope with a new locale and everything was unreasonably priced. So to clear my head and really let my new life for the next year sink in, I wandered down to the Thames. My attempt was interrupted by a dishevelled looking fellow who was trying to show me something on his phone. I briefly looked and saw a photo of Snoop Dogg edited to look like it was a video call, an image that my mind was absolutely not expecting (low-key expecting to see someone’s todger). Truly surreal way to kick off a year long placement.

September 13th/14th – It’s weird isn’t it, how sometimes we talk with complete strangers because of a brief shared moment in time.

I experienced one of these moments on what might be the shittest journey back to my flat I’ve ever endured. Piccadilly line? Shut – works or whatever the fuck, so ended up in Kensington waiting for a bus. I’m always locked the fuck in when it gets past like 12am or my plans get disrupted so I’ll be honest I was quite on edge when a stranger in a similar situation to me started talking to me about how shit TfL is. We then discussed the Premier League and how shit Southgate was at the Euros (I don’t recognise myself anymore) and genuinely? Really made the shit situation of getting stranded and having to embark on a multi vehicular pilgrimage back a bit better, because at the end of the day, there is nothing better than a good conversation.

Louie McVey

18

Lifestyle

Our Facebook is incredible

... while the line is straightened out the rear' (p.113)

Red Flag Alert! All of My Partner’s Previous Relationships Ended Just weeks ago I was a simple, romantic, English Literature student living in blissful ignorance, deeply in love with my girlfriend and pootling through my life writing about Marxist Structuralism in the Mr. Men. Then calamity struck, I got lost on my way to a tote bag crafting social and stumbled into the maths block. Horrified, I crept through the corridors, clinging to the walls and trying to ignore the terrifying posters of squares and Greek letters that seemed to have got lost on their way to forming proper words from the Iliad. But like Orpheus, just as I thought I had escaped from hell with my sanity and my relationship intact, I took one look too many. As I was emerging from the odorous nightmare that was Mathematics, I saw a word that would haunt me for the rest of my days. ‘Statistics’. Obviously I had no idea what it meant, but it was burned into my brain. I hurried back home and ran to my Scrabble Dictionary to find out more. Once I had got a thorough understanding of the subject (I also asked Chat GPT), I applied its mystical ways to my life and came to a shocking conclusion…

My partner had got married, grown old with and been buried beside precisely 0% of her former lovers. That's 0 in every three, or a 0.0 success rate. Extrapolating those numbers through a complex statistical model, there is clearly something terribly wrong with her and our relationship is doomed. How am I to go on when I know that the laws of mathematics clearly show we are not meant to stay together? How can I trust a person who has such a terrible xGOT (expected growing old together)? Is this the reason no STEM student has ever felt the touch of another human being? These are just some of the questions that haunt me now, not helped by the lingering whiff of body odour and misogyny that has clung to me since my fateful trip into the world of maths.

Eddie Atkinson

World Horrified at British Home Cooking: “Where The Fuck are the Spices You Stole?”

Think of your favourite British meal. No, not shepherd’s pie, toad in the hole, or chips. I’m talking about beans on toast, tuna mayo pasta, and that godforsaken crisp sandwich. At least add some pepper god damn what was the point of the East India Company you wankers.

Lekha Doddamani

@The Lemon Press ﴾inventive, we know﴿

A Guide to Right‐Wing Grifting Are you a celebrity, comedian or some other type of public persona who has been cancelled? Don’t know what to do now your old career is over?

Don’t worry! There is a new frontier and audience for you to tap into – the right wing freak crowd. It’s never been more profitable to be a right wing pundit or commentator because now you can get paid for engagement farming on Twitter after posting takes that would make Mussolini blush.

Some key ways you can truly maximise earnings and capitalise on your lead-brained audience are: Act irrationally – when prompted with a choice between being a normal functioning member of society or a complete total freak, always go the freak route. Appeal to the nutjobs and wealth will follow Say that you’ve become born again – Religions like Christianity with its many different branches can vary greatly in beliefs. The more extreme evangelical ‘I misinterpret the Old Testament’ types will eat up whatever slop you serve if you claim to have been born again.

Lick the boots of billionaires – Maybe if you lick them clean enough, they’ll know who you are.

Spread unsubstantiated claims – We live in an age where the news cycle is 24 hours, and everyone wants to be a journalist.

You want to rake in the views and the cash? Post a rumour that is so absurd people will either be replying to you to call you a knobhead or agreeing and reposting the shit you’ve said. Either way, you still get paid.

You don’t need to believe in any of this conspiracy shit to rightwing grift, just a lack of morals and to have been cancelled for being abhorrently racist, transphobic or an alleged sex criminal.

Cancellation is never the end, rather a new beginning Brussell Rand

Lifestyle

19

'In quiet bays and sheltered spots under trees...

New forecast reveals the best colours to invest in this coming year The long range market forecast is favouring growth all round for the colours. Labour Red is the stand out performer, with Terry's Chocolate Orange a close second, leaping well above Wow like a child on a sugar rush.

However, the True Blues don't even muster a cool beans for the majority of 2025, with rip rip UKIP showing even weaker returns. Overall, the rainbow in the economic sky indicates an attractive investment opportunity for the year ahead, but be warned as the whiff of recession still permeates the air like a rotten old lettuce, so it is advisable to put a peg on your nose.

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There was panic on the streets of London yesterday as the markets fell five storeys and got wedged in the Earth's crust. Knotweed­Carter took a tumble 3.4 and suffered from a grazed knee. Bandage elasticity was up 15% by high noon with Volepiss showing an alarming weakness, slashing a third to land a soggy 4.

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Eye on the City A runaway bus narrowly avoided crashing into the Stock Exchange earlier. A broken down tube train at Bank plunged a dagger through the heart of the Square Mile, threatening to wipe £800 million off the UK economy. The Bank of England is expected to announce a hair cut today, requiring all male traders to shave their heads each Thursday.

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Try pegging!

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Writer's block epidemic set to cost... uhh...

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How your coke addiction impacts your pension

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How to crash the economy on a Towny Minecraft server

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UK economic environment so stagnant that it is akin to swampland New research has uncovered the alarming rate at which our crippled financial institutions are being overrun by frogs.

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'On a summer evening in the year 2600 BC ...

servIng up snobbery, one pInt at a tIme sep '24: our users' top pIcks to guzzle down your gullet danielheavy2008_, 53

spurs sour - the white hart I really had high expectations for this pint, the fast and highintensity pour gave me an exciting feeling and others at the bar took notice; a feeling of optimism. Confidence was high, but as I put the glass to my lips the taste didn't amount to much, it's the same story every time I drink here.

ragnarthedamned56, 1251

liquid quavers - hell

Guys please lead a life free from sin, I didn’t and the only bar in Hell leaves really a lot to be desired. After a day of having my you-know-what's poked with the Spear of Avernus and the Chains of Balial lashed upon my you-know-where’s, I really need to unwind with a drink, but as part of the punishment for killing monks at Lindisfarne there is only one really poor quality bar. Today’s guest ale was liquified Quavers and really wasn’t the best, poor texture and taste aside it was also the only brew they had here. I’m starting to regret agreeing to go on that raid…

catfromhalifax, 4

saucer of milk - halifax college You’ve probably seen me around, I often go into student’s houses, I seem to be one of the few organisms who actually like Halifax’s living arrangements. A saucer of milk from this place goes down a treat, 10/10.

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'The force and blindness of this homing instinct in salmon is apalling' (p.147)

TLP’s Odds for Coolest Babies of the 2020s 13/5 - Dave Grohl’s illegitimate daughter The night Jimi Hendrix was born, the moon turned a fiery red. The night that the unnamed child codenamed “The man who Grohl’d the world” was born: Twitter glowed a fiery red. Will this child tread the line of controversy, nepotism and ambient cool-ness to the level others in Hollywood have before? We anticipate a firm yes and cannot wait to see her light up the Metaverse grunge scene in 2050.

9/2 - Donald Trump the second The soon-to-be child of Barron Trump (6’8”) will either be the next great centre after Wembanyama retires or will be the next mentally unstable populist. Cybernetic enhancements will no doubt enhance his journey whatever he chooses and TLP will hopefully still be around when this little fella (8’4”) bursts onto the scene.

11/2 - X Æ A-12 The child of Grimes and Elon Musk will have a rough start no doubt. Yes, zillions of dollars and being the child of the greatest nepotism baby since Jesus Christ of Nazareth will have a few perks, but having your parents argue over Twitter and go on podcasts instead of taking you to baseball practice might be tough for X Æ A-12 to take. Therefore we at TLP anticipate that this child will go against the sins of the father and the oddness of the mother to become a positively cool guy who will take us all into a future as far away from his parents as possible.

7/1 - Boris the Second The list of dodgy records for the former prime minister continues. Not content with normal reproduction, Bozza became the first British prime minister to reproduce asexually by splitting into two dramatically during his final few months in office. Internal investigations believe this was the actual theme of partygate, and we are currently unsure how many clones of Boris’s frontbenchers exist today. Though they are all fully grown they technically count as babies.

Lorcan Ray

Mythbusters: Toast and Bread are the Same Thing!

Some of you may argue that if you walked up to my door and asked for bread and not toast that I should give you untoasted bread. However, bread itself is toasted, and toasted is just extra toasted toast/ bread. So if I give you toast when you ask for bread, or vice versa, I’m right, got it Eddie?

Lekha Doddamani

If Any of You Are Sad About Your A‐Level Results, Don’t Worry!

Image Credit: Matt Davis 24

Science & Tech

I got a C and 2 Us, and I was still able to get accused of homophobia, cultural mockery and physical abuse in addition to being disliked by a large fraction of the country.

Cleremy Jarkson

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Anthony Gordon Ruled Out for Part of the Euros and Seen with a Gashed Face Ahead of a Press Conference where he Insisted he is Ready to Play and Give it All for His Country We heard he took it on the chin well

by South Garethgate

Breaking: Local Man Uses the Word “Aura” to Describe Another Man He Finds Attractive Lorcan Ray

Image Credit: Lorcan Ray

Acquaintance in Pub at a Loss Once They’ve Asked Which Olympic Sport You Think You’d Be Best At Disaster! Your housemate has gone to the toilet and you’re left with their slightly odd school friend who has invited themselves up and been dominating your kitchen all morning. “Have you been to York before?” you ask politely. They haven’t, but they went to Manchester once. You consider explaining that that’s got no relevance at all to what you’ve asked but think better of it. They tell you they go to Bristol, Bath, Bournemouth or some other university that starts with a B and sounds boring. You’ve never been but someone you didn’t like very much at school went there. They’ve never met them.

A minute of excruciating silence passes. What the fuck could your housemate be doing in that pub toilet that’s taking this long?

A smile flashes across your companion’s face, they’re suddenly very pleased with themselves. “Did you watch much of the Olympics?”, they ask, watching gleefully as you go to answer this possibly quite interesting question, before batting away any insight into your actual life by immediately following it up with their masterstroke. They’ve come up with an original question and they’re not afraid to use it, you can see them congratulating themselves internally for their display of raw charisma. The spirit of Louis Theroux has overtaken them and they are about to completely transform journalism and conversation itself forever. “Which Olympic sport do you think you’d do best in with a year’s training?”

“Break dancing, that one Australian lady on the internet wasn’t very good” you reply: you’ve had this conversation three times in the last week.

“Aha yeah that’s a pretty good one, I think I’d go with that too” Silence falls once more.

Eddie Atkinson

... by scanning the QR code on the inside cover

Sport

25

I'm more of a giver of headers...

Tactics for the iMessage Game “Knockout” This is probably one of the less popular imessage games, with pool and cup pong being, quite rightly, highly regarded as the best ones. I, however, am a sucker for the unloved and niche and knockout has the kind of addictive simplicity that really gets me going.

My good friend Ernie feels the same way. Over the summer we have played about ten games a day, more if we are at the pub together, like two iPad kids whose friends have let us play to stop us running around the pub being a nuisance.

We’ve naturally become quite competitive and are likely in the top 0.1% of players in the world, so I would like to share some of the most useful tactics I have used to thwart Ernie over our glorious summer together.

This is for people who really seek to grow their skill at the game, I’m not wasting time explaining the rules and I’m also not going to engage in any debates about the “luck” or “lack of skill” involved, you either get it or you don’t… this is business.

1: Opening play Class, please refer to fig.1. Here we see a typical beginning scenario where both players have all four penguins and the world at their feet. For the opening, one doctrine really does reign supreme: control the centre as much as you can. For black, B, C and D have a pretty simple path to the middle, and the same for 2, 3 and 4 for blue.

Fig. 1

Now for A the path is less simple, a smash into the middle could result in the counter from 1, so mingling around the edge is perhaps preferable, and having one around the edge is no problem at all as generally there is more space on offer. For 1, a full power smash straight at A could be favoured by the more aggressive player, whereas cooly going for the middle in the hope black overthinks the position might be favoured by the more technical knockout player.

Fig. 2 2: Useful moves - Self-Send This one is a move pioneered by myself while drunk in a Wetherspoons. Fig.2 shows the basic idea: you, black, are cornered on the edge, 1 has plenty of room behind so smashing it in the face won’t work, what do you do with such a doomed penguin? As I sipped my Carling, I wondered the same thing and I cracked it.

90% of the time 1 will go for a full power smash on A then rebound to safety, but what if A sent themselves full power off the edge?

This means 1 will likely also send themselves off the edge leaving black with a positively winnable 1 v 1 to close out the game. This of course opens up mind game opportunities for blue and black, if blue expects the self-send they may just saunter back into the middle and leave A to launch themselves into the drink like a wally, will A predict this and go for a smash against 1 to try and regain space?

All things to think about in what seems like an obvious position.

Knockout clearly has endless complexity when played at the very top level.

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3: When to delay Fig.3 is a common position which seems favourable for blue, but experienced players know this is not the case, having your penguins bunched up limits your movement options and makes you predictable. We’ve all been blue in this instance, sent all three full power at A in order to guarantee a strong connection, the problem is that A can return with an equal amount power, hitting 1 straight-on while 2 and 3 glide aimlessly off the edge.

Fig. 3

As blue, you have to vary the power and look to spread out, you’re in a 3 vs 1, play the long game. Risky plays are to be made by the player with ground to make up, allowing the zone of play to get smaller and smaller always favours the player with more penguins. This position exposes a fundamental of high-level knockout, whether it is 1 penguin or 4 penguins the threat from the opponent should always be respected, if you have the numerical advantage be calculated and allow your opponent to take the risks.

by Lorcan Ray

Image Credit: Eddie Atkinson

thelemonpress@yorksu.org

Sport

27

Hard times create satirical men

The Star Signs as Celebrity MasterClass Courses

The three Norn have woven an interesting tapestry for the fate of the star signs this issue. The sisters Urd, Verdandi, and Skuld (and Skuld's wife Derrick from Hull) have sat whittling away beneath the world tree Yggdrasil and have crafted your destiny.

They speak of twelve Celebrity MasterClass courses and have matched each course to a star sign. Find your sign and sign up to the MasterClass course that the Fates have chosen for you!

(Yeah I've mixed Norse mythology with Greek mythology, fucking sue me.)

Libra

September 23 - October 23

George W. Bush:

How to Distract a Nation

The purpose of this course is to inform world leaders about specific tactics that could be utilised to distract the people from some mistake or mishap you may have made, such as a possible $2.3 trillion that could have gone missing. The trick is to orchestrate something so spectacular the following day that the people will forget everything about it. Just remember to act surprised!

The much beloved Matthew Broderick, star of Inspector Gadget and Ferris Bueller's Day Off, once again returns to our screens, this time in the form of an online advanced driving course, funded by the Northern Irish Government. This course will be a great aid to those looking to navigate tough country roads in the correct lane. (£100 gift card included in case you end up killing two people)

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Crazy Frog:

Scorpio

October 24 - November 21

Matthew Broderick: Advanced Driving Courses

The Swedish CGI-animated character Crazy Frog is back! And this time he's letting it all hang out. Sign up to his MasterClass course to spice up your Wikipedia page with up to three separate subsections in your "Controversies" section. This fun little guy will get you making NFTs and pulling out your genitals at every opportunity!

How to Massively Inflate your Wikipedia Controversy Section (Crazy Frog is not responsible for any ring ding dinging on your bem bem bem) Professional actor and part-time hitman, Alec Baldwin, has recently launched his own online MasterClass course "aimed" at getting you that perfect shot. With over forty years experience working within the film industry, he knows a thing or two about cinematography. Just don't get too good at it, otherwise you could be next on his list!

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Alec Baldwin: The Perfect Shot

With two incredible (and one meh) films under his belt, Robert Eggers is ready to teach YOU how to have the same career path.

January 20 – February 18 In his own words, "Do an incredible amount of dialectal research for the first two and then just have them do a vague Scandinavian How to Make Two Really Good Films accent for the third one. And DEFINITELY make sure the main and Then One that Kinda Sucks character just gives exposition like Dora the Explorer."

Aquarius

Robert Eggers:

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Horoscopes

We make no guarantee that these are accurate...

Cilla Black kicked my dog at Sefton Park in 2012

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

YorkVision:

Thhe art of speling things corect

The University of York's premier student newspaper is releasing a course targeting student journalists, urging them to abandon spellcheckers and to type articles with their eyes closed and using only their tongues. Somehow, even with this technique, they make fewer spelling errors than we do.

Sign up now!

He's back. Not only to life, but also back to getting involved with Cambodia. The former US secretary of state and all-round fun guy Henry Kissinger is coming to teach YOU the essential Khmer phrases you might need in the off-chance that you cross into Cambodia when you shouldn't be there!

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Shelob Olsen:

How to Avoid Success

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Henry Kissinger:

Most people forget about the third Olsen triplet, Shelob, and that's exactly the way she wants it. Mary-Kate and Ashley are out basking in their shared success, while Shelob practises avoiding it - and she's bloody good at it! Sign up to her MasterClass course if you too want to be completely overlooked and forgotten!

The long dead president of the United States, Joe Biden has been using his reverse-necromancy (animancy?) to communicate with the living for almost twenty years now. He has finally decided to pass on his invaluable knowledge to anyone signing up to his MasterClass course.

(Starting fee of $200,000 plus a virgin sacrifice (plus a cone of ice cream))

Cancer

June 22 – July 22

Charlie Jeffery: I Love Money

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The Lemon Press:

Gemini

May 21 – June 21

Joe Biden:

How to Commune with the Living

money please god give more money

Known for having visited the Grand Hotel in Brighton for a good few days in 1984, Patrick Magee has gained an intimate knowledge of hotel infrastructure and management. In this years since his incarceration (don't worry about it) he has been putting this knowledge to good use: educating would be hotel managers through his MasterClass course. Free pint of Thatchers included!

How to Fill Space

Learn Khmer

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Patrick Magee: Hotel Management

Need some space filled on your assignment or dissertation? Don't worry about it! The Lemon Press has you covered. We're experts in waffling on and on about basically nothing in order to fill up space. And if you join us, you too could learn this incredibly useful skill! This MasterClass course is run in person every Thursday evening at seven (probably).

Image Credit: Pixabay

... but also if they're not you can shoot us

Horoscopes

29

Notice how no one bothered to rhyme? Very avant­garde, very demure

Poetry Corner Club, so confusing Well honestly I was speechless When you said our bouncers groped you We were so lost in our heads Making bank on a Wednesday You always say change our staff But we just keep them the same Let’s invite students next year Let’s work it out on the rebrand

By Sal Vatian

Fela Kuti’s 1973 Classic 'Gentleman' But He’s Complaining About Lower League College Football Refs [Extended saxophone solo] [Fiendishly catchy opening 8 minutes with no words] I no be college ref at all I no be college ref at all o I no be college ref at all at all I no be college ref at all o College sport rough I know him suffer But him don’t know basic rules Him no give… Clear foul Him no see…Offside Him no play advantage when we through on goal Me I no be college ref like that!

Him forget…His whistle Dem Studs up…No card Him don’t know how far wall is from free kick Me I no be college ref like that!

I no be college ref at all o [Extended 3 minute outro] Lorcan Ray

30

Poetry

Haiku in Honour of a Small Man With a Very Big Heart Hope you get well soon, Sorry I botched that heart transplant, I feel quite guilty Eddie Atkinson

Poem in Honour of a Big Man With a Very Small Heart Guys I really can't apologise enough for this I feel just awful Eddie Atkinson

AN ODE TO SECOND‐YEAR HOUSING

A house is different to a home That’s what they say.

Certain things can make a house a home Home is where the heart is.

Bugger what they say.

I want a homely house and I want my home to be where I live Close to where I study And near to where I work.

I want to wake up in a nice space In a nice place And have a nice roof over my precious little head.

But these luxuries are either too expensive or too much hassle.

Cleaning, maintenance, bills Location, location, location.

If only it were as easy as just imagining your ideal home A reasonably priced humble abode Where one can live problem-free, if not rent-free In harmony with your housemates and your neighbours.

Without a dickhead for a landlord.

Jack Stuart

Seriously people join the society

If you cheat we will come to your home and teach your cat to bark

the lemon press crossword You've almost finished this edition of TLP! Before you go have a gander at this beautiful crossword we've made. Study it. Really admire it. Maybe even have a go at completing it if you're feeling crazy. The answers are upside down at the bottom of this page, no peeking x.

Across

Down

7. everyone's favourite Home Alone 2 cameo 9. TERF :( 11. a classic York drink / what happens if you put Sonic the Hedgehog food dye in everything you eat 12. two men who will definitely not be at the Oasis reunion together 13. how you might describe something that tastes lemony / a sexy lime 14. a mysterious building you may never enter in your entire time at York 16. a Jeremy who is very proud of his not-very-good A level results

1. the asbestos sniffer's favourite college 2. what we're supposed to call YUSU now 3. something you might fall from if you did not exist in 'the context' 4. a deck of cards' favourite song from Brat 5. a fallen York hero 6. the name of a German shepherd mentioned within these pages 8. a classic York drink / what comes out of someone if you stab them 10. how much TLP membership for a full year costs (in words) 15. the best club to go to if you plan on getting beaten up by a bouncer

12. liamandnoel 13. citrussy 14. heslingtonhall 15. Salvos 16. Clarkson 1. Derwent 2. YorkSU 3. coconuttree 4. clubclassics 5. Longboi 6. Klaus 7. DonaldTrump 8. redshit 9. JKRowling 10. fourpounds (what a bargain!) 11. blueshit

Bye now xxx

Games

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