The Lemon Press Issue 59

We're back!

Editors' Introduction

Trigger warning!

It’s Matt and Ava’s final issue as Editors‐in‐Chief together! ﴾womp womp womp﴿ We were going to write a long and moving piece about how much this magazine has meant to us and the amazing friends we have made along the way but none of those things are true and we can’t be caught lying out of our asses again.

Contents pp 3‐8 pp 9‐13 pp 14‐17 pp 18‐20 pp 21 pp 22‐27 pp 28 pp 29‐30

Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Arts Science & Tech Features Sappiness aside, we introduce some new features Sports this issue, hardlaunching our Lemonboxd reviews and softlaunching everything else ﴾so if you don’t like Poetry and it we won’t feel too bad﴿. Whether you are Horoscopes

wondering what body part your star sign is ﴾it won’t be the one you want﴿ or whether or not YOU are the baby ﴾you’re not﴿, we have all of your burning questions answered. We also have a lot of open letters written to or about us included in this issue. Editors-in-Chief: Ava Young & Matt Davis We haven’t read a single one of them but they take Chief Subeditor: Hal Muxlow-Fisher up lots of space so there.

Sub Editors: Ava Young, Adam Berry & Ben Brown

The Lemon Press Staff

Anyways, fare thee well dear maidens, male maidens, and maidenthems, it’s been a long and torturous ride ﴾but in a good way, like having to ride in a car in silence with your Dad for twenty minutes until you get to McDonalds﴿. We’re so happy it’s joe’ver and we get to barack out of responsibility for the next one. Thank you for reading what we write and being so grateful for what we don’t include.

Lots of love,

Matt and Ava (Editors‐in‐Chief and Third Overall in Wii Watersports)

Campus Editors:Adam Berry News & Politics Editors: Eddie Atkinson Lifestyle Editor: Ava Young Science & Tech Editors: Will Rowan Arts Editors: Matt Davis Features Editor: Will Rowan Sports Editors Oscar Rowen Chief Illustrator: Maisie Hemmings(Various) Illustrators: Max Latchman (Front Cover, Inside Cover and Various), Matt Davis (Various), Adam Berry (Various), Will Rowan (Various), Cameron Stenhouse (Various), Ava Young(Various) President: Eddie Atkinson Treasurer: Matt Davis Secretary: Ava Young Multimedia Editor: Louie McVey Social Media Editor: Cameron Stenhouse Webmaster: Hal Muxlow-Fisher Ordinary Members: Adam Berry & Ben Brown Contributors: Max Latchman, Joe Best, Louie McVey , Finn Russell, Joe Venables, Dan Gordon-Potts, Cameron Stenhouse, Lekha Doddamani, UoY Press Office, The Campus West Nisa Team, Ugg, Labour Party Spokesperson, Colin Wiggle, ZoomerPoet Contact the editors at: lemonpresseditors@yusu.org Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 25th February 2024.

We did it!

Contents

22

Free head?

9 AM Lectures? More like 9 AM HOLOGRAMS!!!!!

After skipping through the suburban streets of Tang Hall this morning to get to the corner shop and purchasing a £3 (!!) copy of the Guardian to read while I put a pot of coffee on the stove (yes, I really did this, and no I’m not 82 years of age), I was delighted to read an article about holographic technology. Basically, to sum up a couple hundred words in a few lines, there are some loonies at Loughborough Uni who are trialling replacing lecturers with holograms.

Yep, you heard it right. With the same sort of tech that brought the ABBA Voyage concert (which I heard was incredibly underwhelming because, weirdly enough, a hologram of ABBA is not quite as exciting as the real thing), the university is actually seriously considering beaming in holograms of Einstein to your physics class to try to boost attendance numbers. After Covid, costcutting zoom classes and rip-off pre-recorded lectures just don’t seem to be hyping people up enough. This will definitely do the trick eyyyy lads?!

Got me thinking quickly about our blessed and beloved University o’ York, and whether or not Charlie Jeffery will be jumping onto the trend and maxing out the university credit card replacing every member of staff in underperforming departments (i.e. the unprofitable ones like English and…um History and Politics)? Getting his own holographic avatar made would also save Chazzy J having to actually attend graduations and formal events – winner-winner-holographic-chicken-dinner. Instead he can go on holiday or something and dream about universities being for the public good.

I think the plan at Loughborough is to formally introduce them into the curriculum in 2025, after a year of “experimentation” (we all know what that means, cheeky), but what next? Once your lecturers are all holograms then it’s only natural your seminar tutors will also upgrade to become holograms – you students still have to turn up to class, of course – don’t forget you have to do check-in with the special code!! After that, they’ll realise actually getting the exam board to mark your work is too much effort (and wayyyy too expensive) so then they’ll just replace them with holograms too! Who needs real people to mark your work? They just need to look like they’re marking your work, keeps everyone happy!!

Eventually, after you have to holographically verify yourself in holographic Duo two-step verification with your holographic phone to enter a hellish holographic VLE (enjoy getting lost in there, folks!) then, finally, as a silly little debt-riddled student you will be able to become a hologram yourself. Gone will be pesky 9 AM lectures, gone will be seminars, gone will be workshops and tutorials, gone will be Derwent College corridors with their asbestos smell, gone will be Spring Lane, gone will be the geese shite.

The only thing that won’t vanish will be the new student centre because, guess what, they’ll finally have the budget to build it … as a hologram!!! Wooooo!!!!!

Dan Gordon‐Potts

Circuit Laundry to be tied to the Gold Standard The Uk is in recession. People are pulling out their own teeth. But Circuit Laundry has achieved record profits! In this humble capitalist reporters’ very biassed opinion, I say: YIPEEEE! I love price gouging students So in order to further increase these profits, Circuit Laundry is tying their credit to the Gold Standard. That’s right, every time you wash your grundies their stock goes up. [this guy knows fuck all about economics – Ed.] The freer the market the freer the chances are that the washing machine is free. But when you’re sharing two washing machines with a hundred people, it will never be free. Keep on paying £4 a cycle, the economy is important!

Cameron Stenhouse

Image Credit: Cameron Stenhouse

Bring Back the Old Courtyard.

On Instagram today Courtyard announced that they no longer have the technology to make burgers, which got me reflecting on times gone by.

Back when I started university, Courtyard was special, it was a place you could go to meet friends and eat a lot of food for not too much money, no one cared about the fact that it had a 1 star food hygiene rating, we ate there and we enjoyed it, and it's much better than this ‘Weirdough’ stuff they brought in.

It's not because I'm now in my final year and don't have as much time to socialise, it really was better I swear.

Matt Davis 3

Campus

Seances and Holograms

Nah bro think of three headers

Help! I’m Being Edged by the University of York and I Think I Like it Ooooh yes … delay the Student Centre by three years … just like that…

Not content with making me write essays over Christmas and then giving me fuck all to do for a month after, the University has played even further into my passion for being left waiting by delaying the student centre for a minimum of three years, having already destroyed loads of stuff to build it. Does it matter that it means basically no one here now will ever get any use out of it (unless they do something absolutely insane like a postgraduate degree or STEM)? Does it matter that there’ll just be a mass of scaffolding standing in the middle of campus until we all graduate? No, it just makes it hotter. If we didn’t have a constant hideous reminder of what could have been, how would we know they cared?

YES! I love it, I can’t stop, I won’t stop. Give me my essay feedback three months after I submitted it, I love to WAIT! Sometimes I’ll just stand in York Station staring at the delays on the board and drool. I spend my Wednesday nights circling around the queue for Stone Roses. Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly desperate, I try to order a drink at Evil Eye. Would I have used the Student Centre at all if it had been built?

Probably not. Does that mean I can’t be annoyed? Sort of but oh well.

Eddie Atkinson

Student Centre: Lord James tells a Lemon Press seance “I told you so!”

During the seance at a recent Lemon Press social, our Director of Clairvoyance attempted to ask the spirit of Lord James of Rusholme, the OG VC, about his opinions on the recent delays to the Student Centre project. During his time as Vice Chancellor, Lord James oversaw a student occupation of Heslington Hall following his steadfast refusal to build a Students’ Union building, famously screaming “Colleges ‘til I die! Down with the Students’ Union!” at the gathered crowds while perched on a chimney above Heslington Hall.

We attempted to put the following question to him: “The Student Centre project has just been delayed by three years. Knock once if this decision angers you. Knock twice if it makes you happy.”

However, before we finished posing the question, we heard raucous laughter from the corridor followed by screams of “I told you so! Don’t mess with the collegiate system Charlie! Resist Marxism! Stand up to the students’ unions! Employ scab students! Don’t let the NSS mess with your authority! And what the fuck are your crackpot architects thinking using anything other than 90 degree angles? ALL WHO DISRESPECT THE VISION OF THE UNIVERSITY’S FOUNDERS WILL FAIL!!!!!!”

Please Vote For Me As Dictator Hi everyone, I’m writing to inform you all of a small problem I’m having. You see, in 2013 I proclaimed myself His Royal Highness High Lord Emperor Of The Known Universe And Beyond.

Theoretically, this means that I rule everything that is, was, and will ever be.

The problem I’m having is this: others seem to be having a bit of trouble accepting my authority. People on the street just look at me as if I’m some kind of twat (the nerve!), while the president of the United States won’t even reply to my emails. For this reason, I would like to make the following request: the next time there’s an election, any election at all, please write “I would like Finn Russell to rule humanity” on your ballot before handing it in. I don’t care whether it’s a nation-wide general election or just the one for YUSU president, as long as enough people do this, I might eventually be able to take my rightful place on the throne.

Please do me a solid, people, I’d really appreciate it. I feel like I’m shouting into a void here. Did I already mention that the president of the United States ignores my emails? It gets worse.

He ignores my tweets too. I’m in a very dark place right now, people, and you all have the power to get me out of it. Show me the light at the end of the tunnel and give me your vote, because without your support, I’m doomed to die unknown and unfeared.

Feel free to contact me with any queries.

Please help me out here, I really need this.

Finn Russell

Image Credit: Adam Berry

Max Latchman

the University experience

Campus

4

We're deadass gonna get GTA 6 before the Student Centre

Clearing the Air About My Exhibition Performance I’m sorry I didn’t get the Victory Royale you all so desperately wanted at the Art Exhibition in December. I never wanted to disappoint anyone and I made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement that I could get a solo win so early into the new season of Fortnite and had you all wanting more. I’ve taken some time to look inwards in order to work on my ability to actually win and not just edge an audience for four hours straight like I was Zack Snyder. It’s not entirely my fault though, because I know they changed the mechanics between the OG season and Chapter 5! I am not crazy, I knew it was different the moment I started playing, how could I not? I’d never be so foolish to accept that it was always that way, that chicanery those buffoons at Epic Games tried to pull off!

Please accept this montage (the QR code below) as proof of my personal development as a pro gamer (I promise I can talk to women, honest).

Louie McVey

If this video gets 100 million likes Louie will go live on the TLP Instagram and delete all of his dissertation work.

Image Credit: Adam Berry

Rating the Wonderful Wildlife of the University of York Those horses near Campus East - B- -Sometimes they’re there, sometimes they’re not. I don’t have time for all this quantum fuckery. Schrödinger’s cat works because it is small and does not live in a field. Horses shouldn’t do that. Sort it out.

Duck - A+ - These guys will, according to rumour, quack. I like that about them. I’m a fan of that. That’s something you can believe in.

Long Boi - N/A for reasons of DEAD Long Boi 2 - C- - A bad imitation and a blatant cash grab, sort of the bird equivalent of when they recast Aunt Viv in Fresh Prince Goose - B+ - If you gave a snake legs, a giant bum, anger issues and an absolutely terrifying array of teeth it would probably die.

Don’t do that. Get a goose. But also don’t they’re really scary.

Hedgehogs - N/A - I’ve never seen one, I can’t rate them. The only evidence I have for them is that one cute road sign by Biology and my housemate telling me she saw one once. But I suspect she may be in the pocket of the government. It seems like something she’d do.

Silverfish - A+ - Without a doubt the sickest looking household pest around. These guys are metal as fuck. Ants in full body titanium armour? Fuck yes. They cause property damage but I don’t own my home so I’m not really fussed.

The cows near that military barracks - A - I strongly believe that they are anarchist agents undermining the military presence of the UK government. And for that I say thank you! Death to the state!

Computer Science students - C++ (see I know about computers and things) - Not housetrained

£5,347 Cash Found in a Hole Underneath YUSU Offices

Eddie Atkinson

The amount of money mysteriously perfectly matches the amount of money raised for the longboi statue. Speculation has been raised as to whether it was stashed there by Pierrick Roger after realising that £5,347 is an incredibly large amount of money to build a statue and hold a ceremony for a dead duck.

When asked to comment on this Pierrick said: “I made the fruit and root bags! I gave you free pizza for participating in the greatest democracy on Earth! Why shouldn’t I take some spare change here and there? What’s wrong with the last ever YUSU President to grace this University enjoying the fruits (and roots) of his labour?!

Matt Davis 5

Campus

Scored a perfect 100%

Edging your will to live since 2009

Dear Lemon Press Class of 2024, We don’t care about you. We want your money. We want your ideas.

You HAVE to use the check in system. We can kick you off your course, and we’re probably legally obliged to if you’re on a visa and you’re not turning up to stuff. Shame really, because you pay us more if you’re an international student, we could do with the money.

Here’s a code so we can collect large datasets: 5318008 Have you done it, my little honeybun? Remember, you need to 2factor-Duo authenticate your measly academic existence first!!

Now, you may think, this is “modern technology”, it must be more efficient? WRONG! Think about it for a second – one person reads out 30 names and ticks off a sheet. That’s about 30 seconds of valuable face to face engagement with a staff member (which is what you’re paying for remember!). In this time, they can at least actually pretend to care about your existence and put a name to your pretty face before a stupidly thought out large bureaucratic system reshuffles you again so you don’t know anybody and they mark you with a score of 50 on your essay and give you one line of vague feedback which they definitely took more than 5 minutes to write after skim-reading the work you spent 30 hours crafting.

This will be all while they complain that they are overworked and striking so that you miss 30% of your teaching time.

York is a Russell Group Uni baby, we have Academic Integrity and Standards. We work for the public good, dear little one, not private interests (excluding the company that hosts the check in system which probably rakes in a tidy sum). You’re in final year but haven’t officially passed your second year yet? Deal with the constant feeling of uncertainty and like you don’t matter as a student. We want you to feel powerless.

Anyway, point is, at least staff members used to read out your name and have to look at you. Check-in now means 30 people in a seminar room have to pull out their phones (meanwhile the seminar tutor can chill out or quickly plonk a few memes on their PowerPoint presentation to make their lecture more ‘down with the kids’). After you’re forced to manually do 2 factor authentication (with a duo that disappointingly isn’t a bird), you’ve spent a good 5 seconds of your time ‘taking ownership of your learning’, before having to enter a 7 digit code. It didn’t work the first time? Try again! That’s 30 seconds already gone!

Don’t have money for a phone or laptop? Screw you, be more middle class and rich like the rest of us!

Phone can’t connect to eduroam? Cry! Have accessibility requirements? Do you think we know what those are?!

Did you ask your teacher when there was inevitably some sort of issue that cropped up while doing this? They shrug and say “I have no idea, [insert student name here].” E, voila! That’s 10 minutes of your seminar eliminated, free of charge!

Much love, UOY

on the VLE turnitin

Has this ever happened to you?

It happened to Cameron Stenhouse and Maisie Hemmings

VLE’s Turnitin Originality Check Consistently Reads 100% Because “All Those Words Have Been Used Before”

Turnitin is the VLE’s similarity detection service used to verify that a student’s work is original. It checks for potentially unoriginal content by comparing submitted papers to several databases using a proprietary algorithm (I stole this from Wikipedia, what are you gonna do about it). It has been used at the university for some time but only now has it become visible to students. A recent update to the Turnitin software has made it impossible for a student to submit a paper without triggering a full 100% similarity score. The reasoning behind this: “all of those words have been used before”.

We submitted two texts to Turnitin to assess this issue; the first: “the article refers to a variety of technical terms specific to the domain of art and restoration; references to art media, restoration technology, and chemical reactions are continually mentioned in often very lengthy sentences” which produced the response “yup, I’ve seen each of those words before.” The second text, “fnip fnop bliddunb gog” elicited the response “wow, ok cool, something original”.

Ironically, there is no way of proving that Turnitin’s source code wasn’t plagiarised as it is not open source (I also stole this from Wikipedia).

Adam Berry

Computer Science Departmental Shitting Competition The University of York’s Computer Science Department announced a shitting competition.

Whilst some people have been calling this a win for competitive diarrhoea, others are hoping they will use the result to get to the bottom of the mysterious excreter in the Department.

“Fundamentally I think that we should follow the ‘spray it, don’t say it’ model of investigation and hope it yields good results.

Matt Davis

Campus

6

We're like First Bus...

An Open Letter From Your University to the Students of the University of York on the Cancellation of the Student Centre Project.

Dear students, We understand that some of you will be upset by the recent cancellation of the Student Centre. However, don’t be disheartened. We would like to correct some misconceptions about the project’s cancellation.

1. The project has not been cancelled. It has simply been delayed by three years, which by no co-incidence at all is the length of most of your degrees 2. Estates did not kill Long Boi. He simply disappeared.

3. Although deciding to postpone the project before demolishing the previous buildings might have been a more effective way of providing more space for student societies, our current plans to develop the area into an outdoor space provide societies with a more flexible and accessible space than the traditional concept of a building.

4. You are not cold. You need a warmer coat.

5. We are committed to providing societies with more space on campus in the intervening period. For example, we are currently in the process of moving societies using the former Health Centre and Eric Milner into Halifax and The Stables respectively.

Both of these new locations are still technically on the university campus, so stop complaining!

6. Our latest proposals will bring numerous benefits to campus wildlife. Details of these are stored in a secret location within the Vice Chancellor’s office.

7. We are not going bankrupt, and have no intention of doing so.

8. We are still committed to hosting the largest plastic-lined lake in Europe.

Yours sincerely, The University of York

Image Credit: Cameron Stenhouse

An Open Letter From the NISA on Campus West Dear Students & Faculty, Hey, it’s us!

The heartbeat of campus where you come to get birdseed and beer. I know many people have complained about our prices, opening times, closing times, stock intake, the price of a sandwich, the lack of availability, the price of anything edible, and much much more.

So in order to win you back, we’ve written this letter in order to say the following…

Sowwwwyyyy Come on, we’re just a lil guy, you can't be mad at us!

We know we keep raising the price of a fucking ham sandwhich and close way way way earlier than it says on Google, but can you really be mad at a wittle guy like us?

And we know the five minute closing time sign is arbitrary but come on, where else are you going to go? Lidl is like 30 minutes away.

Essentially we have one thing to say: we ain’t going anywhere.

We’ve made a shit ton of wonga off you poor student bitches and we ain’t going to lower the prices any time soon. So get fucked.

Actually, from now on you’ll have to pay to get into the store.

That's right. What are you going to do? Go to CO-OP on Hull Road? What about your seminar in 5 minutes huh?

We DGAF. I’m currently rolling in your student loans right now and I’m still going to raise the price of the coffee.

Yours faithfully, NISA. Ps: please don’t steal from the coffee machine. It's really easy to not put it through the till but 100% DO NOT do that…

The Campus West Nisa Team

Jeremy Kyle to Moderate YUSU Debates Nobody watches the YUSU debates. We have to, and honestly the amount of times we’ve been told off for live tweeting the event is limitless. In order to appeal to a wider audience the hit therapist Jeremy Kyle is going to moderate the next YUSU debate and hopefully inject some life into this dead horse.

That's right, we’re gonna have a lie detector on stage. Audiences are encouraged to shout and swear. Most shockingly, the candidates are going to have to lose a certain amount of teeth before they can take part. That's all I can remember about The Jeremy Kyle show when I watched it on a sick day when I was 8.

Maybe Jeremy can grill Pierrick and find out the burning question: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE LONG BOI STATUE! Five grand. £5000. That could pay my heating bill for a year. But nooo give it to the funny looking duck statue fundraiser and then not build the statue.

Where is Pierrick? Huh? Jeremy Kyle will get it out of you…

Cameron Stenhouse

7

Campus

Financial mismanagement?

...our printing schedule changes every term

New BA in Financial Mismanagement The Lemon Press can reveal that the University is pinning its hopes on a new money-spinning course in Financial Mismanagement to overcome its current financial woes.

Starting in September, students can enrol to become accredited practitioners in Financial Mismanagement. This will be the first course taught by University managers rather than lecturers, focussing on a series of in-house case studies. It is stressed that this is a course that York is uniquely placed to deliver.

A placement year will offer opportunities at industrial partners such as Enron, Lehman Brothers, and Mission Control overseeing the Challenger Disaster. Graduates of the three year course will have excellent prospects, with the chance of seeing the Student Centre start construction work and being used as paste between the bricks.

Will Rowan Image Credit: Will Rowan

Image Credit: Maisie Hemmings

I Conducted a Séance to Encounter Longboi, and This is How You Can Do One Too In my final year of university, I have turned to supernatural strategies to get me to graduation. So, in my puddle of tears, funded by my grief over the death of our mascot Longboi, I had the genius idea to try and summon him via a crude ritual.

With my circle of leaves and feathers collected by the bridge near Spring Lane and quacking out into the ether, he appeared.

Unfortunately, I could not reach the bottom of the mystery of his disappearance. I don’t speak duck. However, he seemed to be pretty chill and at peace- something we can all only hope for!

The séance only lasted about 10 minutes as I was chased away the geese and mallards who sensed the brief return of their overlord and must’ve felt very territorial over him. you're probably thinking "Wow I'm a first-year and never got to meet this guy! How could I do this and meet the legend myself?" well I'm glad you asked!

Step 1: find your location.

Obviously the closer you can get to campus and his favourite haunts (no pun intended), the better. I found a comfy spot at about 3:30am between Derwent and Spring Lane. You need a big enough space for yourself and the boi to materialise.

Step 2: gather your materials.

I used discarded feathers from around the lake (the shaken-off tufty baby ones made an especially vibey setting as some of them started to sort of fly around like a tornado as Longboi appeared as a spectre). Also important to collect some water, I personally used the part of the lake closest to Heslington Hall!

You will also want some candles. Thankfully this put all of the ones I had in storage to good use since they are not permitted in student housing :( . Finally, BIRD FEED from Nisa and some frozen peas as a thank-you treat for the special fella.

Step 3: form your summoning circle.

This is pretty self-explanatory- just make the circle with all your stuff Step 4: call for him.

The best thing to use is the most powerful call there is- the mating call. Add in some polite squawks and honks to make him feel at home. Tune into the water trickling and the trees stroke against each other and call into the night for Longboi. Scatter the feed in front of you as a welcome gift and If all goes to plan, he should appear.

Step 5: say goodbye.

After your interaction, close up the session. Give him his peas which are slightly defrosted at this point. Blow your candles out and say goodbye to the ether and the other birds who you have inevitably attracted by scattering food all over yourself.

Step 6: clean up We don’t need more bird death from ingestion of candle wax, don’t be a littering prick!

Maisie Hemmings

We've got you covered

Campus

8

I'm gonna kms...

The Invention of Agriculture was a Mistake People often ask me, ‘Ugg, where did it all go wrong? Why is our democracy crumbling, our planet burning and our population’s ability to experience empathy slowly dwindling?’. Let me tell you, everything went to shit the moment some guy decided the berry bushes he was trekking to should be a bit closer. This was Against The Sun God. BURYING seeds in the GROUND? WATERING them?

ABSOLUTELY not. You should wait for a mammoth to shit them out and then pray for rain like nature intended. No generation since will ever know the joys of stalking a boar for 4 days before it turns around and mauls your father, or finding a good tree.

Every bad thing that has ever happened has derived from the invention of farming, and the only way to save our world is to STOP DOING IT. Oh you live in a city? Tough. Eat a fox or a family pet.

Ugg, TLP Current Affairs Correspondent

UK Government to Bring Making Old Men Walk Around Their Garden to Industrial Level Good News! After the astonishing success of the Captain Tom Moore Foundation in funding a much-needed spa for his family, Rishi Sunak has identified that the whole ordeal was actually the most successful capitalistic venture the UK has seen for quite a while.

As such, the government has launched a new campaign giving people over 90 the (mandatory) opportunity to retrain from ‘retired’ to ‘track star’ and give their pensions to the treasury for safe-keeping. Participants will be richly rewarded with the promise of at least one reluctant birthday text a year from a loved one on a phone they don’t understand and the opportunity to have someone notice if they die.

Mr Sunak hopes that with enough of the aged population gently circling clockwise around various purpose-built gardens, the government will be able to afford much greater investment in crucial infrastructure, like adding a sauna to Downing Street or printing leaflets about why we can’t finish HS2.

Keir Starmer has strongly criticised the campaign and offered a wildly different solution consistent with his opposition; getting the pensioners to walk anti-clockwise instead.

Eddie Atkinson

The Wiggles Reveal ‘Fruit Salad’ is About Oral Sex

Image Credit: Eddie Atkinson

First GB News Viewer Diagnosed with Turbo‐ Cancer In February on GB News Neil Oliver claimed that Covid vaccines cause turbo-cancer. Recent reports have found that the first viewer of GB News has been diagnosed with turbo-cancer. So far, no one else has been diagnosed with this condition and it is believed that it is related to his viewership of the news station.

Some particular symptoms appear to include ignorance, anger, and frustration with levels of immigration above zero. It is unknown whether the condition can be cured, all we can do is hope.

Matt Davis

9

News & Politics

The Wiggles have revealed their 1994 hit ‘Fruit Salad’ is about oral sex. ‘It’s about going down on a broad and not coming up for air. It’s the smoothest song we’ve ever produced and people are only starting to get it…’ said a glistening Anthony Field, wiping his mouth as he ran faster than we could to gather further comment.

Let's make some fruit salad today (Uh huh uh) It's fun to do it the healthy way (Uh huh uh) Take all the fruit that you want to eat It's gonna be a fruit salad treat!

Colin Wiggle

Labour Party Announce Laurence Fox Hunting as a Potential Policy Idea

Everyone's favourite Keir is back in the news with another cracking policy for you! Starmer wants to bring back Fox hunting but for a very specific Fox. Laurence! Yes, the guy who just lost a defamation case because you can't ruin a man's reputation if he spends all day ruining it himself. As such it has been made a part of the Labour Party platform to allow him to be hunted, people who don't like him get to go after him, he gets to feel persecuted.

Everybody wins!

Look out next week for the next policy! Who knows what it could be?

Labour Party Spokesperson

Only the most up to date news

kiss my (bit of) satire (goodnight)

Bolton Council Defends £3M Decision to Erect Statue of Peter Kay ‘Made Entirely of Garlic Bread’ In a move that has left residents scratching their heads, Bolton Council has decided to immortalise beloved Boltonian Peter Kay in the most fitting way possible: by commissioning a life-size statue of him made entirely out of garlic bread. The decision, which reportedly came after an enthusiastic council brainstorming session aiming to find new ways to waste money, has raised more than a few eyebrows among Bolton locals. With recent reports of council bankruptcy fresh in people’s minds, many are questioning the wisdom of spending £3 million on what some are calling a bizarrely carb-based tribute.

The Lemon Press ventured into the streets of Bolton to find out what the public thought of the news. "I mean, I love Peter Kay as much as the next person," longtime resident Sheila told us, “but three million quid for a garlic bread statue? It's a bit much, isn't it? Couldn't they have just put up a plaque or something?".

"I'm no expert on outdoor sculpture," remarked another resident, "but wouldn't a garlic bread statue just go soggy as soon as it rains?” The artist tasked with bringing this culinary masterpiece to life, Barry Butterworth, has defended his creation, insisting that it was a fitting homage to Kay's iconic stand-up routine about the joys of garlic bread. "This statue is a vehement celebration of Bolton's rich, deep, cultural heritage," Butterworth declared, "and what better way to honour Peter than by immortalising him in the very food that made him famous." But not everyone is convinced…

One local activist has launched a petition demanding that the council reconsider its spending priorities. "Three million pounds could go a long way in addressing some of the real issues facing our community," they have argued. "We've got potholes the size of craters and libraries closing left and right, and yet here we are, pouring millions into a bread-based monument. I don’t even like Peter Kay!" Despite the backlash, Bolton Council remains committed to its decision, insisting that the garlic bread statue will boost tourism and be a source of pride for locals for generations to come.

"We stand by our investment in this bold tribute to one of Bolton's favourite residents," said one council spokesperson.

"After all, who needs fiscal responsibility when you've got a gigantic garlic bread Peter Kay?" Oscar Rowen

Ed Davey's Solution to the Small Boats Crisis

Former Environment Secretary Ed Davey spoke to Parliament today with a solution to the small boats.

"They should be given Britain's largest boats. No more small boats. Problem Solved" Matt Davis

in this magazine.

Joe Biden meets with several Dead World Leaders After meeting deceased French President Mitterand at the beginning of February, President Joe Biden has since had meetings with several dead world leaders.

“I have a lot of good things to say about Queen Elizabeth I, and I believe we managed to have constructive conversations about the nature of the special relationship between the USA and England.

“When I met with Emperor Zhao of the Han dynasty, I talked about the importance of setting up trade routes that span continents and told him I was a big admirer of some of the work done on the Silk Road.”

In response to these meetings, Trump met with Pinochet in an effort to ensure that he retains some diplomatic ties to deceased leaders from around the world.

However, Biden has faced criticism for these meetings from the American media claiming he should be meeting with more relevant dead figures from the past such as Ronald Reagan or Bernie Sanders’ presidential career.

Matt Davis

News & Politics

10

Wigglendela Effect

"Forgotten" Fifth Wiggle Speaks Out Over Lack of Recognition and Bullying Inside the Band In a revelation that has rocked the world of Australian children’s entertainment, the long-ignored fifth member of ‘The Wiggles’ has finally broken his silence to address the injustice he has endured for years – a lack of recognition from fans and fellow Wiggles alike.

Parents and children have learnt to love The Wiggles as a fourpiece ensemble. There’s Greg, Murray, Anthony and Jeff… but the fifth has now spoken out. And his name? Colin Wiggle.

In an exclusive interview with The Lemon Press, Colin reveals all: TLP: Colin, thank you for joining us today. Can you tell us what prompted you to speak out about your lack of recognition as the fifth Wiggle?

CW: Thank you for having me. It’s been a long time coming. I’ve been shaking my tambourine in the background for years now, and I’ve finally decided enough is enough. It’s time for the world to know the wiggling truth.

TLP: Right… You’ve been dubbed the ‘Forgotten Wiggle’. How does it feel to have your contributions overlooked while the other Wiggles enjoy fame, fortune and adoration?

CW: It’s tough, I won’t lie. Jeff, Murray, Anthony and Greg are out there in the spotlight and I’m forced to blend into the background like a musical chameleon. Nobody knows what I did for the band – I was actually heavily involved in writing many of our biggest hits. “Fruit Salad”, “Hot Potato”, “Big Red Car”… they were all MY hard work..

TLP: That’s rough. Many fans may not even know who you are.

How does that make you feel?

CW: It’s disheartening, to say the least. I mean, I never even got a colour-coded skivvy like the others. I was just there, doing my thing, hoping somebody would notice. But alas, I remain the mysterious fifth Wiggle.

TLP: That must be really challenging. Can you tell us about any specific instances in which you’ve felt unfairly treated by your bandmates?

CW: A few memories stand out vividly in my mind. Sometimes backstage, before our live shows, while the other Wiggles were relaxing and preparing for the performance, I was often relegated to the role of their servant.

TLP: Their servant?

CW: Yep, you heard that right. They would order me around, asking for bowls of fruit salad, hot potatoes, cold spaghetti, you name it, and I was expected to cater to their every whim.

Meanwhile, I barely had time to warm up my tambourine before hitting the stage. They used to laugh at me and point out the fact I didn’t have my own colour they called me the boring 11

News & Politics

Photo: Rare sighting of Colin Wiggle in a 2006 Performance Wiggle and told me that I would never be a star if I didn’t continue waiting on them hand and foot TLP: That sounds like a really difficult situation. What do you hope to achieve by speaking out now?

CW: I just want a little acknowledgement, you know? Maybe an invite to an ARIA ceremony, or even just to be reached out to by my fellow Wiggle bandmates again. After all, without me, the Wiggles would just have been… well, four guys and a dinosaur. I just think it’s time for the world to recognise the unsung hero behind The Wiggles.

TLP: Thank you for sharing your story with us, Colin. It takes courage to open up about these things.

Oscar Rowen

Edging Supervillain Remains At Large

Fresh from a defeat at the hands of Jelq‐man, SuperGoon was last spotted on the outskirts of New‐Jerk City. Although recently believed to have died in the fiery explosion along with Jelq‐man, no body was found. Only semen traces remained, leading conspiracy theorists to doubt whether SuperGoon’s nut had finally been busted.

Online reaction to the appearance was mixed, with some doubting the credibility of the spotting. Some claimed this was merely police propaganda, aiming to keep looks‐maxxers off the street out of fear, whilst others felt the warnings were responsible. Policecels have warned the public to “stay off the streets”, “keep looks‐maxxing indoors” and to “only mew in your own home”.

The only real question in this time of unease is this: Where is Jelq‐man?

The Truth Behind Shrinkflation

Joe Best

You've heard all about how companies have been making different items smaller and charging the same price. Freddo has not been getting smaller, Wagon Wheels have not shrunk. The truth is reader, you have been growing big and strong. All of that milk you had as a child and making sure to eat the crusts has paid off. Well done, look at you.

Matt Davis

Remember Colin Wiggle?

She Long on my Boi til I decease

Henry Kissinger Resurrected by Legend of Zelda Blood Moon – He’s Good Now The death of Henry Kissinger by heart failure on the 29th of November 2023 left the world in woe – mainly because many wished that he’d die by guillotine or injuries sustained from unrelenting genital torture. During his brief eight-year stint as the United States Secretary of State and national security advisor, he brought about the deaths of between three and four million people (as in between three million and four million people not just three people, but even that is far too many). He was survived by his wife Nancy, and his two children, David and Elizabeth, who inherited his fifty-million-dollar fortune and impressive K/D ratio.

However, on the 25th of February this year, beneath a Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild blood moon, the one-hundred-year-old diplomat was resurrected by Ganon’s power. In the aforementioned video game, approximately every five in-game days, a blood moon appears in the sky above Hyrule; a celestial occurrence that enhances the power of Calamity Ganon and allows him to resurrect or “respawn” his slain servants of evil. By doing so, Link, the hero protagonist, must once again face the evil of Ganon’s spawnlings.

In an odd turn of events, the resurrected Kissinger, redubbed “Blissinger”, is now a force for good in the world. With his now re-inherited fortune, he plans to invest in clean energy and homes for all the injured puppies in the world. He is also planning on taking a gap year, teaching English to the impoverished people of Indochina, Bangladesh, and Afghanistan, where he hopes to be welcomed with open arms. We wish Henry Blissinger all the best in his next one hundred years on this earth!

Rochdale By‐election With a hotly contested by-election campaign filled with controversy, here are the results. With an incredibly low turnout, you could say the big winner was not caring. But the real winner, that was Jeb! Azhar Ali - 12% Mark Coleman - 7% Simon Danczuk - 9% George Galloway - 13% Darth Vader - 11% The Joker - 10% Jeb! Bush - 15% Iain Donaldson - 3% Paul Ellison - 4% Michael Howarth - 6% William Howarth - 3% Guy Otten - 2% Ravin Rodent Subortna - 4% David Tully - 1% That’s right it’s Jeb Bush.

Matt Davis

A Physicist Achieves Fusion‐ Just Not the Kind we're Looking For

Hahahahaahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahaha hahahahhahahhahahahhahahhahahhahhahhahahhahahhahahha hahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahhahahhaahahahahahahahaha

A physicist has recently achieved fusion. Sadly it was not nuclear fusion, making all of our energy woes disappear. Nor did this physicist achieve marital fusion. That occurrence would be even more fantastical and unlikely. As a physicist, he should know that being successful in that area would break the laws of the universe. Rather, this physicist successfully fused their hand to the exterior of a NASA space rocket. Quoting Sheldon Cooper’s infamous line, “Engineering is but the slower, younger brother of Physics” they decided to give soldering a try. Alas, it all went a bit awry. But this physicist’s nightmare was only beginning.

Somehow a humanities student was given access to the control panel.

Not knowing how computers work, they sent the rocket hurtling into the sun. The fate of the physicist remains unknown. He either escaped in the nick of time and is now hiding in shame, or is really feeling the heat of the situation.

Either way, he probably isn’t feeling too sunny about the whole thing. Breaking News: hair-singed physicist resigns from SpaceX. Meanwhile, the Howard Wolowitzes of the world mock him gleefully on X, having an X-cellent time. Elon Musk has been asked to comment, but has only responded by posting a cryptic meme of a dead horse. He is horsing around, no doubt.

Oscar Rowen

Daniel Taylor

Adam Berry

Mythbusters: Australians

Recent studies have shown that Australia is in fact habitable by humans, contrary to popular belief. Though similar in accent and appearance to Brits, the Australians are distinctive for the hard R after any word ending in a vowel.

Lekha Doddamani

Lee Anderson Suspended From Conservative Party

What do you mean no?

News & Politics

12

TLP members and mentally ill people have a lot in common...

78% of all US Presidents have been Irish?

It doesn't take much to see this · Billclint O’N just look at the data. · Ge O’Rgewbush · Barack O’Bama · Ge O’Rgewashington · D O’Naldtrump · J O’Hnadams · J O’Biden · Th O’Masjefferson Adam Ó'Beargha · Jamesmadis O’N · Jamesm O’Nroe · J O’Hnquincyadams · Andrewjacks O’N · Martin Van Buren (Dutch) · Williamhenryharris O’N · J O’Hntyler · Jameskp O’Lk · Zacharytayl O’R · Millardfillm O’Re · James Buchanan (Scots) · Abrahamlinc O’Ln · Andrewj O’Hnson · Rutherf O’Rdbhayes · James A. Garfield (fat cat hates mondays) · Chester A. Arthur (city in England so English?) · Benjaminharris O’N · Gr O’Vercleveland · William McKinley (Scots) · Theod O’Reroosevelt · Williamh O’Wardtaft · Woodr O’Wwilson · Calvinco O’Lidge · Herbertho O’Ver · Franklin D Ro O’Sevelt · Dwightdeisenh O’Wer · J O’Hnfkennedy · Lynd O’Nbjohnson · Richardnix O’N · Geraldf O’Rd · Jim McCarter (Scots) · R O’Naldreagan · Ge O’Rgehwbush

BREAKING NEWS! Your First Bus Journey Narrated by “The Most Sane Redditor” BREAKING NEWS! Stood melancholy by a bus stop covered in sick, you gaze hollowly at the grimy timetable screen. You cannot tell from its murky surface whether the ‘5 mins’ represents five minutes before the next bus arrives or five minutes left on the doomsday clock before nuclear midnight.

You hope for the latter. After solving the sphinx-riddle of the timetable and resigning yourself to standing in the muted sunlight with the other waiting passengers, you begin to emulsify with these stranded souls waiting for Charon to ferry them to the underworld, forming one gelatinous aggregate of slowly blinking eyes. The bus pulls up and you are not greeted by the bus driver who instead claws at the perspex protection screen with his tired eyes. The pyrrhic victory you have won by boarding the bus has come at the cost of your soul. You are loaded into this wheeled steel box like livestock to the abattoir, but without the ultimate relief of the bolt-actuated cattle gun.

Finding a place among the other lost souls, you take your cruel seat made of air and stones and watch the grey earth turn to ash through the window. You begin to wish that Matthew Broderick would slam into the bus with his BMW, thereby ripping you all from this mortal coil, as he did all those years ago. Your reflection wishes the same as it stares back into your eyes. You watch as your corporeal form ages in the reflection of the slimy window, but unlike Dorian’s picture, you feel your cheeks sag and your forehead crease in your own skin too. The stop button is pressed, first by you and then by several others as if to undermine you, as your soul’s final challenge reveals itself to you. Passing the bus driver, still incarcerated in his perspex cell, and stepping off the bus you hear a faint whimper from his box.

You turn just in time to see three crooked fingers with blackened fingernails crawl out of from under his eyelid, juddering and dripping. The longest of these fingers points first to you and then slowly arcs towards the advertisement with “Don’t get on the next bus, drive it!” written on it. The door creaks shut in front of you and the bus pulls away. Aged and hollowed, you can now walk around Waterstones for a bit.

Adam Berry

13

News & Politics

Asking the real questions

...We spend a lot of time working on our issues

Would you rather? be reincarnated as trisha paytas’ baby or be reincarnated as one of nick cannon’s kids fuck, marry, kill: louie mcvey (what order do you do it in?) play fortnite on a saturday evening or try and get some bitches be a social media influencer or try and get a real job fight uma thurman from kill bill or fight the titular bear from cocaine bear fight the titular ma from “ma” (2019) or fight eddie murphy’s character from “daddy day care” (2003) keep going or give up eat a mchicken sandwich filled with far too much mayo or kill yourself kiss paul giamatti on the forehead or be touched by an angel (it’s the same thing) have a conversation with your dad alone or help mom with the groceries Ava Young Image: Ava Young (pictured bottom right)

The Best and Worst Moments to Flip an IPAD Around and Ask for a Tip Buying anything in today’s economy - or these unprecedented times as HR always reminds us - is never a fun experience. The cherry on top is when the person handing you a croissant off the counter will flip an IPAD round and give you that fluoride stare for a 10% tip.

However, there are moments you should and shouldn’t beg for a decent wage, and here is a comprehensive list of those times: The best: - Doctor saving your life: self explanatory, they did you a solid - A Japanese toilet: those things are magic give them at least 5% - Firefighter saving your cat out of a tree: cats are important The worst: - Priest at a funeral: not the time mate come on - While your giving birth: at least wait until afterwards - Firefighter while your house is burning down: come on mate my cats burning to death - Doing your lobotomy: this is only if it’s a bad job, if they did it well give them 10% - At the Stable IPAD Competition: you’ll lose don’t spin it - When you tell your child they’re adopted: it’s not a measure of how good of a parent you were if they don’t tip Image: Cameron Stenhouse (pictured above, right)

and solving riddles

Cameron Stenhouse

Lifestyle

14

Normalise heterosexual relationships...

Best Wines to Pair with The Elephant’s Foot

In defence of raspberry yoghurt

The large mass of corium buried beneath the rubble of Reactor No. 4 of the Vladimir Ilyich Lenin Nuclear Power Station emitted, at its most radioactive, ten thousand roentgen per hour, delivering a lethal dose within five minutes. It’s also fucking delicious looking. So, assuming that the Elephant’s Foot is red meat (much like actual elephant meat), we’ve compiled five of the best red wines to pair with it:

Right, I have a bone to pick with society. There has been a continuous wrong opinion held by many. For the many conversations I have had rating apricot, strawberry, and raspberry yoghurts, the raspberry always suffers. This is simply INCORRECT. Strawberry is simply the worst.

1. Malbec, Gougenheim Mendoza, Argentina (plums, chocolate, violets) 2. Coroa d’Ouro Tinto, Manoel Poças Douro Valley, Portugal (blackberry, cherry stone, baked cherry pie) 3. Rioja Reserva, Vega Rioja, Spain (plum, blackcurrant leaf, tobacco aromas) 4. Jonty’s Duck, Avondale Paarl, South Africa (liquorice, dark chocolate, ground coffee) 5. Anything but Josh, Cabernet Sauvignon, California (josh, josh, josh) Adam Berry

A Guide to Changing Your Language to Make it More Likely That Someone Will Give You a Quest

Now, I’m not saying raspberry is the best, that title is obviously for the apricot/peach. If you are to stand by the opinion of strawberry being better, give your head a wobble! You are simply boring if you are going to stand by strawberry at any capacity.

Raspberry is not appreciated enough as a flavour for many kinds of food, everyone underestimates it. There is a particular sweetness held by both apricot and raspberry flavour that strawberry just cannot reach. Strawberry is nice! But it deserves 3rd place!

If you hate raspberry, you hate the underdog. You wouldn’t ever give the dark horse credit. I guarantee most if not all people just have a simple bias to strawberries, a deluded nostalgia making you unable to enjoy raspberry yoghurt for the deliciousness it is worth.

Maisie Hemmings

We’ve all been there, you’re a humble knight errant seeking a challenge to redeem yourself in the eyes of your father and reclaim your castle after The Incident with The Dog. Yet try as you might, everyone seems to be more concerned with ‘whether the reading was on the VLE’ and ‘whether Kuda is going to shut down’. You may be beginning to despair, but fear not! The Lemon Press is here to provide you with a handy guide to changing your language to ensure you’ll have a quest in no time.

Instead of, "Where's the nearest pub?" try, "Point me to the nearest tavern!"

Instead of, "Did you do the reading?" try, "Have you studied the ancient texts?"

Instead of, "What did you think of that lecturer?" try, "Do you side with grand mage?"

Instead of, "Have you complained to the landlord about that mould yet?" try, "Has the Bloody Baron heeded to your request for grain yet?"

Instead of, "How was your day?" try, "GIVE ME A FUCKING QUEST!" Instead of, "Oh that's nice mine was pretty good too!" try, "NO? WHY? WHY NOT?" Instead of, "Oh me? I thought I'd just have a pretty chill one" try, "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE" Instead of, "Could you help me with this bag?" try, "Let me live in my psychosis" Instead of, "Thank you" try, "Thank you"

Illustration: Maisie Hemmings

Top 10 York Night Out Destinations The top three destinations are Salvation, Flares, and possibly Revolution if it’s your first week here!

The other seven options are Tesco Express and the Efe’s Kebab cart.

Lekha Doddamani

Eddie Atkinson 15

Lifestyle

What is your favourite yoghurt flavour?

...As in please start acting normally in them

silverfish debate Why I Think Silverfish Should be Respected More.

1. They last longer than some students.

Quite simply, the silverfish seemed to be the only ones thriving in first year. They just had to rub it in my face every time I wanted to use my bathroom after a night out.

2. Probably can cope with more drug intake than anyone in Halifax.

Now I’m not saying I saw any suspicious business take place in my time at Halifax. So, this is just some alleged fanfare.

However, if there was copious number of illicit substances being used, you can only assume there will be a mutant silverfish partaking in a bit of Calvin Klein.

3. Versatile. I have to admire just how persistent this creature is.

They have more willpower than anything I know. I also need to give credit to how they can somehow appear out of nowhere, however hard I have tried to get rid of them, there is always one looking up at me from my bathtub.

4. Have their own cameo on Minecraft which is arguably one of the most important points here. Simple really. One of the most jarring mobs, but also one that people didn’t believe was real???

Until they saw one themselves??!! I’m not gonna dwell on this.

5. They probably just want friends! A cuddle! I can only imagine as they get ploughed down since the dawn of time for being creepy crawlies with no awareness for appropriate personal space, they’re probably lonely! If they ever met a moth I feel like they would play poker or something.

Maisie Hemmings

10 Top Tips to Get Rid of Silverfish

We all know that silverfish can be a nuisance, so here are our 10 top tips on how to get rid of them!

1. Stomping: not necessarily on them but maybe the vibrations will scare them away!

2. Stomping: if the vibrations fail to scare them, its squishing time.

3. Playing really loud music: specifically, D&B. Silverfish don’t usually like that.

4. Fire drill: silverfish, like people, don’t want to burn alive in their uni rooms. They will make an escape thinking it’s real, but it’s not. Ultimate prank.

5. Not answering their messages on the group chat when they’re asking to be let in: but before you do this, hide their key card(s).

Locked out!

6. Be really clean: silverfish love dirtiness. So do your washing up ASAP Rocky.

7. Have liberal views: the vast majority of silverfish are part of far-right groups. The more liberal views the better. Let’s indoctrinate!

8. Be really dry: silverfish love moisture. No wet towels, no humidifiers, and no dry conversations. Don’t be moist.

9. Knock down their door(s) with a fire extinguisher.

10. And finally, if the above don’t work out, ask them really nicely to leave and never come back.

Anti‐Silverfish Club

Image: Maisie Hemmings

Image: Ava Young

vote by cutting out the image and eating it

Lifestyle 16

More reputable than Wetherspoons News

Something Similar Happened to Me Once and Now I'm Going to Interrupt You Is my story better than yours? Who knows? Who cares! You've been talking for 10 seconds and now it's my turn.

There's just a thrill to it. I sense when you're reaching the climax of your story, and I'm itching for it. I time each moment of vulnerability you express, each experience that you're eager to share with the rest of us. It's been a full minute of hearing you talk and I'm practically comatose.

Hurry it along now. It's my time. My time to shine. As you speak I'm frantically searching for a place to jump in, any semblance of a link that I can make to your thoroughly unique situation.

You're telling a joke? Mine is funnier. You can tell, because I'm about to loudly talk over you. Stealing your thunder and their laughter, I deftly manoeuvre my way to the centre of attention.

Joe Best

Explaining Incel Subculture Terminology

With all of these terms flying around, it helps to have an idea what they mean, here is the TLP guide to Incel Terminology: Red pill: something to do with feeling insecure and inferior Black pill: something to do with feeling insecure and inferior but in a different colour Orange pill: makes your piss look like irn-bru Pink pill: makes you feel bonita Purple pill: makes your daughter eat hot chip, lie, charge her phone and be bisexual Green pill: gives you the equivalent feeling to hitting your friend’s vape after telling them you think it’s gross (a feeling of superiority and hypocrisy) Brown pill (renamed “the POC pill”): makes you a POC. White men love microdosing this to get “the pass” they couldn’t get from their real-life POC friends.

Yellow pill (renamed “the NPC pill”): makes you an NPC. If you stay online long enough you’ll become one.

Blue pill: you get to microdose the Sonic the Hedgehog experience (you get to be friends with Shadow and run really quick).

Ava Young

Exposé: Frankie and Benny’s Are Frauds That’s right, the family friendly restaurant that you ALL absolutely love is entirely built on a platform of lies and deception.

I won’t beat around the bush. I’ll just drop it on you. Both Frankie AND Benny do not exist. They have never existed. They are fictional beings. Mere characters.

The story the sham business likes to push on their menus goes as follows: “Frankie Giuliana [FICTIONAL BEING] was 10 years old [HE IS NOT REAL] when, with his Mamma and Poppa [ALSO NOT REAL], he left Sicily and landed at Ellis Island, New York, in 1924 [HE DIDN'T]."

"It was no surprise then [IT WAS, BECAUSE HE DOESN’T EXIST], when the [FICTIONAL] family opened a restaurant within a year [THEY DIDN’T]. In 1953 Frankie took over the business with his old school pal Benny [HE DIDN’T].”

NEITHER FRANKIE OR BENNY EXIST. THE FIRST RESTAURANT OPENED IN LEICESTER, UK IN 1995. IT IS ALL PROPAGANDA. THEY ARE A SHAM. Oscar Rowen

I Read The Lemon Press in the Bath and It Went Horribly Wrong!

No no no not like that, please no oh god nothing weird I promise please don’t think that of me please. I’ll tell you what happened…

It was a cold December evening, I couldn’t afford to turn my heating on so I decided to have a bath (I don’t know how boilers work). After I ran the bath and put bubbles in it (aka the masculine urge to have a bubble bath) I slowly descended into the bubbly inferno and tried to relax. When suddenly I realised…

I HAVE NO CONTENT TO CONSUME! How could me, an IPAD baby, stay motionless for longer than 2 minutes and fully clean myself? That’s when I caught a glimpse of it… the 58th edition of The Lemon Press…

I felt so dirty… ironically in a bath… reading my own ‘funny’ ‘satire’ ‘jokes’ (I’m not quoting anyone I’m just lying). [that’s not how quotation marks work]. Now of course I’ll address the elephant in the room… I was not naked. Noooo, you think I’d bathe naked?? In my own house? That’s so slutty, never. I was wearing a full scuba outfit- flippers and all. But one thing I saw… which I still can’t get over… whenever I close my eyes is the horrible fact that my star sign (Libra) did NOT have the craziest bedroom secrets!!!! That and Freddy Krueger’s hand appeared out of the water and now I’m stuck in an endless dream. RIP bozo

Image: Ava Young 17

Lifestyle

Cameron Stenhouse

Our Facebook is right up there with the greats

Get Ready for Girls in the Gondola

Review: The Boys in the Boat

Misleading Movie Titles: Inside Llewyn Davis: you actually never go inside Llewyn Davis not even once

I love boys and I love boats. I thought this was going to be the film for me. But there were far too many boys in this film.

No Country For Old Men: there’s plenty of old fellas in this country!!

I wish it was just a whole load of boats and like four, maybe six boys at most. Instead there were 100s maybe 1000s of boys.

The Wolf of Wall Street: where’s the wolf???

Like Hitler. He came out of nowhere. A completely unnecessary boy who just sat on a big chair and then got angry when he lost.

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A BOAT? What!?

WHAT'S THE POINT!

Black Swan: there’s no black swan it’s just two white women Saltburn: too bad “Bottoms” was already taken because that would’ve been more accurate How to Have Sex: there’s no tutorial, still a beta male soy boy loser virgin :/ Nightcrawler: no nightcrawler to be found, just Jake Gyllenhaal on the goop diet vlogging Ava Young Image Credit: Eddie Atkinson

I hope that the sequel just has a whole load of boats. There better not be that many boys in comparison.

Matt Davis

Ways ITV Can Shake up Love Island Whoopsie daisies, ITV managed to drop the ball on one of the most popular reality TV shows ‘Love Island’ with viewers dropping quicker than Tommy Fury fighting Jake Paul or Logan Paul or some other overpaid guy. So, being the omnibenevolent ‘funny man’ that I am, here’s 5 ways ITV could attract some more viewers.: 1. Duelling: Imagine watching these steroid ridden Adonises beating each other to death over a girl named Molly-Mae. 2a. Bring in Hacker T. Dog: Ian Sterling and Hacker back as the dynamic duo; they’re just innocent men!

2b. Alternatively kill Ian Sterling: He’s a bit annoying isn’t he?

3. Bring one really ugly guy on it: I think it’s good to have perspective on how the average person compares with these people. Also it might send the right message that attractive people are better than you.

4. Full Penetration: That’s right. They show it all. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t watch it.

5. Have them have vitriolic debates about philosophy in between the kissing contests: Remember the contestant who didn’t know what a continent was? Now imagine her talking about the trolley problem or euthanasia.

5.2 Fuck it, do the trolley problem in real life with ugly people and attractive people; as in 5 ugly people and one attractive person. I wanna see what Molly-Mae values With all of these suggestions I've put together, Love Island might finally be worth watching again Cameron Stenhouse

The Lemon Press

Arts

18

womp womp womp... anyway

How To Tell Your Girlfriend You Can’t Hang Out Tonight Because You’re Watching the Paul Giamatti Career Retrospective on YouTube

“Babe something came up” (lame, boring, lazy) “I need a break” (lame, boring, lazy) “We can hang out tomorrow” (overused and invites suspicion – why not tonight? Are you exploring someone else’s body? No? Then we can chill today” “I’m watching the Paul Giamatti Career Retrospective on YouTube” (cringe) “I need to consult some career advice from a 56-year-old man with a pear-shaped head and a little pot belly and receding hairline” (based) Ava Young

Dune: Part Two to be an Exact Copy of First Film but Each Line Ends With “…again”

The ending of Denis Villeneuve’s Dune (2021) left many unanswered questions, such as: What happened to Gurney Halleck and Thufir Hawat? Why is Jamis portrayed as a mentor in Paul’s visions when he died almost immediately? I’ve been asleep for the past hour, could you rewind a bit? Die-hard fans of the film, as well as Zendaya stans are desperate to have these questions answered.

However, disappointment was rife when the script for Dune: Part Two was leaked on reddit: the film is set to be a remake of the first film but with each line of dialogue ending with “again”. A Warner Bros spokesperson commented, “this is a much easier and more cost-effective method of filmmaking, frankly the fact that it hasn’t been done before is bizarre to me.” We reached out to Villeneuve for a comment, but we couldn’t understand what he was saying.

Adam Berry

19

Arts

Saltburn? Hell Yeah it Does!

Do NOT try and have sex with the North Sea, it is cold and it is not very nice and there are lots of wind turbines. [He accidentally uploaded this to his main Facebook account - Ed.] Eddie Atkinson

We're active on Instagram

Love island? Hell yeah I love islands!

Confusion Over Road Complaints

We all know and love A24, some of the best movies of our generation have been produced by them.

The one issue that one would assume to never be an actual real problem is with the name of this company. Unfortunately, pensioner Colin from west Sussex has been going on a rampage over the road the A24 for unexpected and unhelpful closures.

Now, “how is this a problem?” I hear you asking. Well, as everyone has access to the internet, Colin decided to take it upon himself and assert his displeasure with the events on twitter (X).

Of course, you can see where this is going... downhill.

Not only has Colin been left unanswered, but no one has made the effort to correct his mistake. Hopefully once he does realise this, he gives it a rest. I also hope he stays away from A24 movies as I think he may feel a bit personally addressed by that cliff jump bit in Midsommar with them oldies…

Maisie Hemmings

Cinemagoer Delighted to Eat Meal in Dark While Unable to Hear Film

A recent survey revealed that customers love ordering full meals to consume in the pitch black of their overheated local cinema.

They don't feel this urge anywhere else. Something primal occurs when they step into the premises. Salivating, ravenous, animals that know nothing but the need for the next hit of carbs.

They're in love with the thrill of receiving their mystery foodstuffs in the film's opening minutes, while cursing at the Popcorn Heads in front. Munching between dialogue, knowingly paying to fight a war on two fronts. They'd kill to feel this alive at home. At least, that’s what YouGov said in their latest executive summary and I trust them more than people themselves.

Premium theatre chains will soon offer a full isolation chamber experience for committed foodies. You will be stripped naked, pelted with food, and left to rot for 2 hours in a casket as you watch The Holdovers through a hole like you deserve.

Will Rowan

Rating Different Islands From Love Island

Love Island is a pretty cool show about dating or whatever,

I've always been curious about the topology of those islands.

Here are the all-important ratings of islands they've used: Fiji ­ a pretty cool island, I’ve never been Mallorca - a pretty cool island, I’ve never been Franschoek - not a fucking island.

Matt Davis

Audience Terrified as Robbie Williams Seems to Become Possessed on Stage, Sings ‘I’m Loving Demons Instead’

The audience at Robbie Williams’ most recent concert have been left with a fright after the singer appeared to undergo a startling transformation, in what some concertgoers have described as “a demonic ceremony”.

The 50-year-old entertainer, known for hits like ‘Feel’, underwent a noticeable shift midway through his performance at the O2 Arena last night. Eyewitnesses reported witnessing a sinister aura enveloping the singer, describing haunting moments where his head appeared to rotate a full 360 degrees and his eyes took on an ominous blood-red hue.

Despite the unsettling turn of events, Williams continued his set with an eerie determination, and began uttering his lyrics in perfect Latin. His voice resonated around the curves of the O2 with a deep, growling intensity that allegedly sent shivers down the spines of the audience members.

The climax of the occult occurrence unfolded as the ‘Rock DJ’ singer took the stage to perform his renowned hit, ‘Angels’. However, the familiar lyrics took a sinister turn as the possessed Williams altered them to sing, "I'm loving demons instead", sending a chilling ripple through the audience, who watched in a mixture of frightened disbelief and fascination.

Oscar Rowen

thelemonpressyork

Arts 20

Jerry Seinfeld wrote one of these articles, we promise

CANCELLED ‐ TLP President wades into Horizon Scandal on the side of the computers

‘Everybody is too concerned with the human aspect of this scandal’, these were the words of TLP president Eddie Atkinson this morning as he left his three storey bungalow, hounded by reporters.

He continued, ‘there are two sides to every story, and we’ve been far too concerned with the irreparable damage done to countless innocent people’s lives by corporate callousness, and simply not thought enough about spreadsheets.

Everyone should always be thinking about spreadsheets all the time.

Every waking moment. Spreadsheets.

In fact, I’m going to enter how upset this makes me in a spreadsheet right now.

And then maybe I’ll organize my feelings in alphabetical order and make a pie chart.

I can’t lie I really can’t do anything more complicated than that and anyone who can should be shot. My relationship with excel is like my relationship with God, it is enough to Love, to hope to Understand is a heinous blasphemy.’

Mr Atkinson then briefly started speaking in tongues (or it might have just been French?) before heading back into his home and shutting his blinds. As he closed the door however, we were able to catch a glimpse of the item that has placed him under such scrutiny: the post-box costume he was sporting in recently leaked images, leaning on the very item he was dressed as. While there’s no way of telling if this was a sexual decision, it definitely was. This was made even clearer when his door was initially answered by a sentient letterbox seductively draped in one of his many muppet T-Shirts.

Eddie Atkinson

Entitled first‐year Student Journalist asks “Is Circuit Laundry the University Equivalent of the Post Office scandal?”

As an entitled first-year student, I often find myself drawing parallels between the Post Office scandal and Circuit Laundry.

Well, at least since the recent ITV drama aired. You wouldn’t catch me reading a loony left magazine like Private Eye, or something complicated like Computer Weekly. Or any other mainstream newspaper. I’M AN ENGLISH WITH HISTORY OF ART STUDENT! Computers are too scary and complicated.

Image Credit: Matt Davis idiot – Ed]. .

But back to my point. Both Circuit and the Post Office have dodgy software. And both of them stole money from people. One stole from its innocent employees, the other extorted innocent students. [I think this is going a little too far – Ed].

And both have are evil organisations who have put people in prison [That’s more than enough! Apart from being totally untrue and unfair to both Circuit Laundry and the victims of the Post Office scandal, we’re very keen on avoiding a libel suit – Ed] As told to Max Latchman

I take all my lecture notes on a iPad [iPads are computers, you 21

Science & Tech

Follow us on X

SPANC 2024 NOMINATION

Disclaimer: All names have been changed to protect reader privacy Dear Aunty Louie, Do you deny the allegations? – Joe Biden Are the allegations true? – Hairy Rat I lumped these together because they ask essentially the same thing. Yes, they are true. No, I am not sorry for party rocking.

Do you prefer cheese or gravy? – Maze Z Have you ever heard of pey wet? I prefer pey wet.

Truly Wigan is at the heart of British cuisine.

Don’t do opium. Wars were fought over it for some reason. Never see anyone fight a war over a bit of Monkey Dust.

If you were head of YUSU, what would you do with the longboi money? – Dam Trenhouse I would build that fucking statue. It has been nearly a year since longbastard passed and it is a shambles that a life-size statue made of bronze has yet to be made.

HE WAS NOT THAT BLOODY TALL! Lookfat, challenge you to pushups lets go – Sleeve Johnson MINNESODA!

What is the best backbling in your opinion? – Bren Bown Birthday Boy

Is it true that Twitter is mostly occupied by bots and fat transphobes? – Anonymous

I think the best backbling is the TV that plays family guy clips. Really reminds me of COVID lockdown 1 where I watched like a solid chunk of family guy and then considered disappearing into the woods out of abject horror.

Yes, that site has only slipped further into the virtual Xitter since it became X. An example of a typical X user can be seen below (deffo has Twitter Blue or whatever the fuck it’s called now).

Cream Team or Squirt Squad? – One of our illustrious editors This has ruined my day on a level most people could not comprehend. This has actually just set off the chain of events to trigger my own version of hit Michael Douglas film ‘Falling Down’. But to answer your question, Squirt Squad as I think Squirtle was a pretty neat starter Pokémon.

When was the last time you cried babygirl? – Lewis Griffin I saw the Iron Claw the other week and teared up in City Screen. Damn man, that film was heartwrenching.

Not just because they all have fuck-ass bobs or mullets.

What’s your favourite kama sutra position? – Connie le Big Mac Whichever one works best on the Edward VII sex chair he had made because he was morbidly a beast (picture attached)

I just fell and bumpe d my head.

Where am I Aunty Louie?

Picture attache d‐ Matt Davis

This was made by someone who smoked far too much opium.

thelemonpress

Features

22

Sorry (for party rocking)

We Lost Control of Kevin the Intern and He Plotted Every Single Set of Data Against Itself and Drew His Original Character Three Times to the Right of the Graph ­ We Don't Know What Any of It Means My money's on recession. <­­we don't know his name but he looks pretty cool

"

And it was a rather cowy night for the pound; it stood at 3.79 against the German Bordello, that's up .5 against the Portuguese Starling and down 100 against the Bitch. Earlier, there was confusion in the markets when France and Spain swapped their currencies and trading remained succulent for the rest of the day.

Here at home from tomorrow the new Bank of England £5 note comes into circulation. The notes which feature the head of Iggy Pop can only be used once.

Collaterlie Sisters

Most read

1 Reading week replaced by breeding week ­ financial implications?

2 Can I have £50 to mend the shed? you should find comfort in the 3 Why heat death of the universe

I see it now

Is £5,437 really enough money to

4 build a facsimile of a chicken?

This ten­dimensional hyperlattice has You'll gain nothing from reading this convinced me of many a thing; the 5 stock market is crashing.

23

Features

Medieval Torture Techniques That Can be Used to Keep You Warm This Winter and Save You Money

Superheating a rat in a bucket strapped to your chest is cost­effective and good for the environment. What are you waiting for?

Tiktok?

Matt Davis isn't even bald anymore, what's the point

The Lemon Press

Features

24

Lemonboxd a real fuck you to the printing company

Track films you’ve watched.

Save those you want to see.

Remind your friends that you're insufferable.

Lemonboxd Double­Feature Recommendations

With the unparalleled success of "Barbenheimer" we here at Lemonboxd have compiled 38 more double­features to watch and enjoy.

Honey, I Killed the Flower Moon (Honey, I Shrunk the Kids + Killers of the Flower Moon) Boyz n the Grand Budapest Hotel (Boyz n the Hood and The Grand Budapest Hotel) Monsters vs Kramer (Monsters vs Aliens + Kramer vs Kramer) The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Smell (The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover + Her Smell) Paul Blart: Revenge of the Mall Cop (Paul Blart: Mall Cop + Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith) All of Us BlacKkKlansmen (All of Us Strangers + BlacKkKlansman) G­Spotting (G­Force + Trainspotting) The Perks of Being a Lady on Fire (The Perks of Being a Wallflower + Portrait of a Lady on Fire) The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Spongebob Squarepants (The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford + The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie) Raiders of the Lost Blart (Raiders of the Lost Ark + Paul Blart: Mall Cop) J. Edgar Horton Hears a Who! (J. Edgar + Horton Hears a Who!) Lawrence of Arabia with Shoes On (Lawrence of Arabia + Marcel the Shell with Shoes On) Little Miss Last Black Man in San Francisco (Little Miss Sunshine + The Last Black Man in San Francisco) Paddington 2 Attack of the Clones (Paddington 2 + Star Wars: Episode II ­ Attack of the Clones) How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Little Nicky (Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb + Little Nicky) Raiders of the Lost 40 Year Old Virgin (Raiders of the Lost Ark + The 40­Year­Old Virgin) Black Willy (Black Adam + Free Willy) La L.A. La La Land (La Haine + L.A. Confidential + La La Land) Men at the Museum (Men + Night at the Museum) 25

Features

Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Funny Games (Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile + Funny Games) Movie The Movie (The Simpsons Movie + The Movie) O Brother, Where Art Thou? Nebraska (O Brother, Where Art Thou? + Nebraska) Madagascar 2: Judgment Day (Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa + Terminator 2: Judgment Day) Schindler’s Christmas Carol (Schindler’s list + A Muppet Christmas Carol) alternatively Schindler’s a Muppet Wanka (Wall­E + Wonka) The Shape of Boy Water (The Waterboy + The Shape of Water) alternatively The Water of Water Scent of the Last Black Man in San Francisco (Scent of a Woman + The Last Black Man in San Francisco) Inside Matt Davis (Inside Llewyn Davis + Red Dot on the Ocean: The Matt Rutherford Story) Fiddler on the Train (Fiddler on the Roof + The Girl on the Train) Anatomy of My Father (Anatomy of a Fall + About My Father) Don't Worry Chicken Little, He Won't Get Far on Foot (Chicken Little + Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot) I'm Thinking of Onion (I'm Thinking of Ending Things + Glass Onion) Dirty Baby Dancing (Dirty Dancing + Baby Driver) Fear and Loathing Everywhere All at Once (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas + Everything Everywhere All at Once) 9 Eleven (9 + Ocean's Eleven) RwandaVision (RRR + WandaVision) Please Write For The Lemon Press, We're Desperate & Most of Us Are Leaving Next Year (Please Murder Me! + Write Before Christmas + For Your Eyes Only + The Departed + Lemon + Press for Time + We're the Millers + The Desperate Hour + Lilo & Stitch + A Most Violent Year + Guardians of the Galaxy + Us + Are You Scared? + Leaving Las Vegas + The Next Three Days + The 40­Year­Old Virgin)

Write content! Send it here!

No mum, AI can love me!

All Of Us Strangers 2023

POPULAR LISTS

Watched 17 Feb 2024

MORE

HOW DID HE NUT THAT HIGH ON HIS CHEST?!?!?!

American Fiction 2023 Watched 11 Feb 2024

why did the gay brother have more chemistry with the female love interest than jeffrey wright

Death Proof 2007 Watched 10 Feb 2024

unfortunately after all that I would still get in the scary car with the scary dilf

Pulp Fiction 1994

These films fucking suck don't watch them

Watched 4 Feb 2024

I was gonna say “they really gagged him there” but idk if that’s too insensitive

Reservoir Dogs

Watched 3 Feb 2024

1992

they called mr orange that because he’s fruity asf

The Holdovers

Watched 27 Jan 2024

2023

if dominic sessa and paul giamatti were in the godfather I would have actually enjoyed it

The Iron Claw 2023 Watched 24 Jan 2024

omg guys no spoilers but i think‑ i think some of them die in the end :((

Poor Things

These films fucking rock don't watch them

2023

Watched 20 Jan 2024

i saw those gowns!! girlie was as poor as your average member of the british royalty

Saltburn

2023

Watched 18 Jan 2024

he bottomed his way to the top… i think that’s actually pretty admirable

Madame Web will gross a madamewebillion dollars (£2.50) lemonpresseditors@yusu.org

x

Features

26

Beer? I hardly know her

servIng up snobbery, one pInt at a tIme feb '24: our users' top pIcks to guzzle down your gullet barry1961, 63 red, whIte & brew - brItIsh bulldog brew co. good stuff. proper takes me back to the brexit days when i could go out an ave a cheap pint at wetherspoons. back to our glory days. reckon it would pair well with a full english or beans on toast. prefer a pint of stella. nuff said. tim martin. get this pint in your pubs.

trendybrewguru_, 31

sour cream & chIve Ipa - tangy taps co.

As a connoisseur of the fermented arts, this brew swept me off my feet. The marriage of zesty sour cream and herbaceous chive is nothing short of revolutionary. Each sip transported me to a realm where the boundaries of brewing are pushed to their limits. Kudos to Tangy Taps Co. for daring to defy convention and crafting a masterpiece that will forever linger on my palate as a beacon of beer brilliance!

throgmore_the_troll, 114

swamp water stout - murky marsh brewery me throgmore, try swamp water stout. taste like swamp, like drinking mud with hint of moss. look dark like night in bog. smell like rotten log, but good. good rotten log. aftertaste like burnt wood and log. rotten log. if want to taste swamp, this brew for you.

27

Features

Send us letters

Proud to announce our partnership with bad dragon

Henley Regatta in Turmoil After Revelation That Everyone Involved Wants to ‘Stop the Boats’ It's finally happened! Everyone’s favourite elitist rowing convention (sorry varsity boat race you were a close second) finally became just as baffling to the people involved as it is to everyone else. Confusion arose late last night as organisers, five glasses of port deep, began discussing their political views.

Unsurprisingly everyone there agreed on absolutely everything, when they arrived at the traditional ‘chant Tory slogans around the fire’ section of the evening, things began to go awry…

After attempts to get ‘viva transphobia’ off the ground, the gathered masses turned to an old favourite to close out the night. ‘Stop the boats’ was heard ringing throughout the stately home and across the surrounding botanical gardens. While initially this worked brilliantly as the buoyant celebration of xenophobia they intended, a number of the members’ children, who were hidden in nearby bushes patiently waiting for their inheritances, overheard it and rushed to carry out their orders.

By the next morning, every single high-tech carbon fibre boat had been turned into a series of matching quarter-zip-andcrackpipe sets, ready for the enjoyment of the youthful Henley hopefuls. That this meant there was nothing left to race with actually didn’t seem to bother anyone very much, as there were no issues with the more crucial ‘get shitfaced and network’ aspect of the event.

Do not fear however, we are told that by next year Henley will be back in operation thanks to a promise of generous donations from parents trying to stop their children being expelled from Eton and members of the cabinet, also trying to stop their children being expelled from Eton.

Eddie Atkinson

My Girlfriend is Breaking Up With Me Because I Spent ‘Everything’ on Match Attax.

I don’t understand what her problem is really, it’s clearly just an investment. I mean, just look at how much a shiny inform gold holo foil Ronaldo is worth… she just doesn’t get it. It started with just small things round the house, a couple quid here and there, you know, a note or two from her purse, maybe the odd change she left by the bed. Tweezered a few quid from her piggy bank. She was none the wiser!

I kept buying packs of Match Attax but the luck just wasn't there.

I spent hundreds on boxes, tins, packs. I would disappoint children as I walked off with my arms overflowing with Match Attax. I didn't care. All I needed was that sweet sweet holo.

I got desperate, and 'accidentally' sold my girlfiriend's family heirloom - a ming dynasty china vase. Sold it to a few students on Halifax for £30. Deal. I needed the packs.

I got home and my girlfriend was packing her bags. Well, she would have been if I hadn't sold those too to buy cards. She ended up sprinting out of the door with two LIDL bags full of her belongings. I wonder where she's going?

Jimmy Comiskey

lemonpress@yusu.org

New FA Football ‘Failure League’ To Be Formed Only Of Teams Receiving FFP Rulings

Recent rumours from reputable FA sources suggest that a new ‘Failure League’ is to be formed of the few British football clubs struck with financial fairplay rulings.

The rumoured new league, which will allegedly be made up of only Everton, Chelsea, Nottingham Forest and Manchester City, has already sparked controversy among dedicated football fans.

The new league will reportedly have little to no financial regulation, meaning teams will be allowed to buy whichever player they want - Messi could play for Nottingham Forest!

Football fans are understandably upset. “I don’t get the point, City are just gonna win” Barry, a Forest fan, told us. “But also the prospect of having some good players come to us is nice actually”.

Although this new plan may be controversial, we only have one question… will Everton finally win a decent league title?

Oscar Rowen

Darts prodigy usurped by even younger counterpart

Over the past few months the nation has been rocked by the rise of everyone’s favourite sporting child-man, Luke Littler. But recently the 16 year old has been usurped by a new threat, a younger, sharper competitor known simply as Lenny Even Littler.

Lenny has used the fact that he’s 15 months old to his advantage, keeping his opponents on their toes by regularly being sick on them and limiting himself to just 3 pints a match.

A weakness in his game that Leonard will be seeking to address is his counting, he can currently sort of get to four and then it all becomes a bit of a mess.

While Luke ‘The Nuke’ has faced controversy over looking like a middle-aged man, Lenny has had no such trouble as babies are supposed to look a bit like a cross between Walter White and an elephant seal anyway.

Leonard has however faced criticism for his walk-on, with some suggesting the fact that he has to take it at more of a crawl should render him ineligible, and others arguing that his insistence on doing it to Fuck Tha Police by NWA is the bigger issue.

Further controversy has followed the young star around his moniker, with pundits suggesting the nickname ‘Youth in Asia’ is inappropriate and doesn’t really make sense when he spends most of his time in various pubs in Western Europe.

Despite the scandal that constantly follows the prodigy, his performances at the oche are undeniable, and we can only speculate as to how he might improve once he gains object permanence and the ability to stand up.

Eddie Atkinson

Exposé: League of Pigs Loser to be 'Turned Into Bacon'

After an upsetting lack of effort from racers Bear Trotsky and Pepper Sanchez, both pigs are in a literal race for survival, reveals the showrunner for the popular Youtube series 'League of Pigs'. "They just haven't been trying hard enough this season. I thought I'd give them something to work for... their lives!" the creator shared with us.

Only time will tell which hog will be feeding the masses next.

Oscar Rowen and Jimmy Comiskey

Sports

28

Hardly reading or reading hard?

The Star Signs as Body Parts Aries: leg

Libra: peen

Taurus: feet

Scorpio: hymen (broken)

Gemini: toes (two of them)

Sagittarius: spaghetti

Cancer: malignant or benign tumour (one or the other)

Capricorn: hymen (unbroken)

Leo: big tiddies

Aquarius: knees

Virgo: the virginia

Pisces: neck

By Mystic M'Ava Young

Poetry Corner A bad magician’s acrostic

Is this your card?

Don’t lie to me please, seriously, Is this your card?

Oh for goodness’ sake, I’m going To have to start this again

Maisie Hemmings

Image: Adam Berry

“Ok Zoomer”: the Dystopian Post‐Taylor Swift Universe

“LOL” - They will just laugh “Me when” - “Me, why?”

They won’t need subway surfers - they can play it in meta in their heads.

Emoji’s - blinking Youtube shorts - but not even because they self-entertain High rise jeans - they transcend fashion trends Emos - they will just be sad Vapes - cigarettes Online therapy - self reassurance Shrek memes - Bluey dissertations Lofi music - Hyperpop Instagram reels - ancient manuscripts Nostalgic tiktok edits of time as it passes - stay young Taylor Swift fanaticism - devil worship Setting boundaries - aggression Exploring inner childhood trauma - be the childhood trauma Andrew Tate - dictators Baggy clothes - baby corsets By someone’s technologically-backward parents ZoomerPoet A Poem: Stop!

Formatting sentences weird and calling it poetry Matt Davis

29

Horoscopes & Poetry

Hope you enjoyed!

In my day Youtube shorts was something you wore, what's the deeaal with that?

I Need a Piss and it Won’t Come Out

Of golden memories that I must save

There’s something faulty with my spout

So heed my warning, pissers all;

It was working fine ten minutes ago

Enjoy the pride before the fall!

Strong as steel, hard as stone

Of being able to piss about-

But I’ve felled that timber, spaffed it away

Oh never mind,

Now standing here and trying to spray

It’s coming out.

By Joe Venables

I’m getting cold and bored, I say, “Please come out, I beg, I pray!”

But I have no prayer beads, just two balls Dangling about beneath angel falls

A Note From The TLP Team..

But there’s no water it’s only piss And there’s no piss and I’m not so tall “Has it really come to this?”

A droplet splats but I feel no bliss For its aim was true but goal was missed; The droplets splashing down aren’t piss.

Standing here, tinkling tears My member defunct beyond its years Will I ever wazz again?

My heart has never felt such pain I float down the stream on memory lane; O, pisses pissed in places they shouldn’t!

Thank you for reading this issue!

Pissing upon claims that I wouldn’t

This is what we would look like if we were lemons, courtesy of Maisie Hemmings' wonderful artistic skills and the transformative power of a Snapchat filter. Please do join us if you are interested, socials every Thursday! (unless we're just soooo sleepy and then you can just play on your DS or something). We do writing socials, karaoke, drinks in V-Bar, dressing up as our parents (true) and also a secret (non-sexual) fifth thing that no one is allowed to talk about.

O, pisses pissed to beautiful sights!

Pissing down such amazing heights Oh the joys and hopes now sank That I’m unable to empty my tank My bladder now a bulging grave

Lots of love, The TLP Team <3

Bye for real now.

Poetry

30