The dog (Scribus) ate my homework
Editor's Introduction Oi! You there! Listen up, we’re Chris and Dan and we’re the people chieﬂy responsible for inﬂicting so-called ‘satire’ upon this campus. You have now taken your ﬁrst step into a future where you read The Lemon Press, and maybe even join us, and write for us. Of course it’s not too late to turn back. Put this issue back where you found it or hurl it back at whichever one of us thrust a copy into your hands in a queue somewhere. But if you do want to venture deeper into this eternal hole, use the emails on this page to join our mailing list, write stuff for us, and get involved with this lemony goodness. If you’re not a fresher and wondering if it’s too late to make a bad life choice and get involved with the Lemon Press, the answer is that it’s never too late. We’re both people who joined The Lemon Press after our ﬁrst years, and look at all the ‘jokes’ we’ve managed to write. Some would argue that being subject to years of asbestos, geese attacks and 'student politics' makes your mind perfectly twisted enough to join us on the battleﬁeld of bad jokes, but we legally cannot advise you on what to do with your brain to make it truly ready to write for us. In this issue we have got everything you could possibly want from The Lemon Press. We begin with the most comprehensive guide to life on campus that’ll tell you everything you really need to know about being a Fresher at the University of York (don’t bother with Vision or Nouse or the police ofﬁcer who tells you that you really really shouldn’t be doing THAT just because a magazine told you to). That is followed by a complete roundup of the latest stories happening at the university to get you right up to date - you wouldn’t want to look silly at a party not knowing about the fake COVID-19 variants or campus cryptids, would you? All this hot content comes before a whistle stop tour of the current goings on in the worlds of news and politics, lifestyle, science and technology. We have truly got every part of your life covered, you won’t need to read anything ever again after this (which is just as well given what tends to happen to our readers' eyes after a few pages.) What's that? You want more? Jesus Christ you’re ungrateful, but luckily for you we have a whole range of features including the latest from the Drectator and an address from our president to the Children of Lemon. We also have sports, horoscopes, letters, poems, and even a puzzle. If you spot a link between any of these, we legally say that you didn’t and advise you not to think about it any further. So if you’re feeling brave, read through York’s most awarded/ most read/only satirical magazine, and if you’re feeling any braver, sign up to our society online to get involved with writing, art, video production, and social events. What’s the worst that could happen? Look at us, we haven’t bled in over an hour now, you’ll be just ﬁne. Dan and Chris
Campus pp 3‐12 News & Politics pp 13‐18 Lifestyle pp 19 Science & Tech pp 20 Arts pp 21‐22 Features pp 23‐27 Sports pp 28 Letters, Poems, pp 29‐30 Horoscopes, Puzzles The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Daniel Bennett & Chris Small Deputy Editors: Bex Scott & Harry James Sub Editor: Lucas Leﬂey Campus Editor: Daniel Bennett News & Politics Editors: Zeena Minstry and Bex Scott Lifestyle Editor: Bethan Hubbard Science & Tech Editor: Matt Higgins Arts Editor: Lucas Leﬂey Features Editor: Bex Scott Sports Editor: Alex Towells Multimedia Editor: Will Rowan Illustrators: Niall McGenity (Front Cover and Various), Will Rowan (Inside Cover and Various), Daniel Bennett (Back Cover and Various), Chris Small (Various) President: Bethan Hubbard Treasurer: Daniel Bennett Secretary: Will Rowan Vice-President: Niall McGenity Social Secretary: Beth Hubbard and Chris Small Ordinary Members: Alex Towells & Harry Clay Contributors: James Rhodes, Luke Horwitz, Connor Sanders, Iwan Stone, Thomas Audley, Alex Howarth, Martin Petcher Contact the editors at: email@example.com Contact the society at: firstname.lastname@example.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 14th September 2021.
Welcome to the start of a new era for your brain.
Do come to Freshers’ Fair Worried about starting University? Do you just want someone to tell you what to do, which things to join, and which things to avoid? Well fear not you poor, naive young fresher, as The Lemon Press is here with your hot guide to everything you need to know at the University of York. Keep your copy close, hug it for warmth during those cold Northern months, and please don't actually take our advice - we're mostly just bitter that we're locked in this basement writing for this cursed magazine rather than expereincing the ""fun"" of university for the ﬁrst time.
Noun: A label you cannot shake no matter where you go, and a label you cannot make matter no matter how much merch you buy.
Noun: A place to embarrass yourself and become the unwilling participant in the embarrasment of others.
Alcuin - A college of quieter people you won't speak to after ﬁrst year.
Halifax - A college of furtheraway people you won't speak to after ﬁrst year.
Derwent - A college of asbestos-fuelled people you won't speak to after ﬁrst year.
Vanbrugh - A college of nondescript people you won't speak to after ﬁrst year.
Club Salvation - 'Salvos' is the big one in York, amazing if you like the taste of sweat and the tender touch of people who have passed sport society initiations.
James - A college of sportier people you won't speak to after ﬁrst year.
The East Campus Ones - A college of richer people you won't speak to after ﬁrst year.
For 30 weeks of your life you will be living with a group of randomly assembled people - you're like The Avengers, if The Avengers slowly grew further apart after a few close weeks together. In these halls you may make friends for life, but more importantly you will ﬁnd people you hate for decades afterwards use that hate, it will only make you stronger.
Flares - Do you love music from the 80's? What about the same 20 songs endlessly repeated? Then get yourself to Flares and travel back to the age of Thatcher! Kuda - No idea, it only just reopened, it's probably a bit shit still?
Revolution - Is it possible to turn a restaurant and bar into a great student nightclub? No. Still, it does have nice long toilet queus for crying in! Popworld - A place of slightly weirder people that only exists so you can say 'Haha last night was so messy we even ended up in POPWORLD lollll!!'. RKC Student Nightclub - We presume it's been built, as they keep promising to make the RKC a nightclub, and Saabs would never break a promise!
Must‐See Sights! The Cow is always there. The Cow is always watching. The Cow is always behind you. Milk him. Milk him now. Do it. The Bins Behind Nisa is a great place to grab a bite to eat and meet the foxiest residents of York... mainly foxes! The View From The Lake is fantastic come day or night, just make sure to bring a safety float or a waterproof camera to make the experience last! 3
Steve's Room is a place you need to experience, the view, smell, and taste is beyond belief! You need to bathe quickly afterwards, but at least you'll have some stories!
We can help you find anything...
Don’t come to Nouse’s stand
hers Guid e
TLP TOP TIP - It is common knowledge that geese are more afraid of you than you are of them, but did you know this logic also applies to people? So if you are at a party with strangers, just remember they are absolutely terriﬁed of you, then do the kind thing and leave the room to let them live on fear-free! Key Locations To Know
D Bar - The gathering place of all the great and the good on Fairhurst - The library section with a ‘studious study buzz’, so West Campus, not a single suspicious person in there mate! you can work without feeling insecure about making a bit of noise when opening your bag and everyone else can loudly talk V Bar - We swear this one is different to D-Bar - this one does about the people they slept with last night. ‘food’! We think so at least, it’s our policy to never enter a venue that doesn’t serve alcohol, which is why we aren't allowed to Morrell - The middle child of library sections. Would you like to pick our kids up from school anymore. learn how different people can interpret the word ‘quiet’? Like ‘love’ or ‘manslaughter’, you’d be surprised how such a simple Glasshouse - The one recognised bar on East Campus, sounds word can mean different things to different people! rather unfair right? Well just remember most East Campus people are probably Tories, so if anything we’re being generous! Burton - The third - silent - library section, and I swear to god if I even hear you fucking BREATHE in there I am calling security.
3 Word Guide To Every Sports Club
Noun: Where the UK's most promising young Akido - What? Judo - ..Between these sports?... journalists are substandardly copied by future American Football - You’re in Yorkshire Karate - ...Just whack cunts. Daily Express freelancers Archery - You’re not Legolas. Kendo - Bit dramatic lads. Athletics - Just run faster. Korfball -Progressive streetlamp dunking. Nouse - Delivering news to the hip younger student generation in a new and trendy format Badminton - Hahahaha, Shuttle Cock. Lacrosse - Stick’s quite weird. (broadsheet newspaper). A very insightful Ballroom - Elaborate mating ritual. MMA - See previous entries. paper if your only knowlenge of global politics Barbell - Grunt quieter please. Motorsports - Driving isn’t sport. comes from York student media, but in that Basketball - Space Jam sucked. Mountaineering - In York? How? case you have bigger problems to deal with. Boat - That’s a vehicle. Netball - Another basic option. Boxing - Jake Paul lol. Octopush - I’m sorry, what? York Vision - A student tabloid paper that Canoe - Enjoy the Ouse. Parkour - Running from something? follows the visual layout of the UK's most Canoe Polo - Just did you. Polo - Marco. Caving - Great, more holes. Pool & Snooker - Expensive pub society. respected newspapers (The Sun, Daily Star etc). It's such an interesting read that half their Cheerleading - Cheerfulness? In 2021? Rugby - Lads lads lads. writers would rather write articles for us than Cricket - Yorkshire weather lol. Sailing - Wind does everything. their own newspaper! Croquet - Enjoy your inheritance Softball - Not actually soft. Cycling - Public transport’s easier. Squash - Just drink water. YSTV - York Student Television, where a Darts - Lads, it’s darts. Sub-Aqua - Sub-optimal pricing. smorgasboard of talent comes together to do Dodgeball - Less exciting Quidditch. Surf - n’ Turf free labour for the YUSU marketing team. They Equestrian - Cheaper ket’s available. Swimming - Just wear armbands. also attempt to do humour sometimes and, Fencing - Not real swords. Table Tennis - Ball’s too small. lads, just ask us to write it next time yeah? Floorball - Pick yourselves up. Taekwondo - Again, see previous. We'll even let you say you wrote it all, just, Football - The basic option. Tai Chi - Box people, cowards. please, it's for the best. Fusbal - Just hipster football. Tennis - More like Wimbledon’t. Gaelic Footy - Autocorrect said ‘Garlic’. Trampolining - Anyone can bounce. URY - University Radio York, ﬁnally a society Golf - Selﬁsh greenspace ownership. Triathlon - Just pick one. Gymnastics - Anyone can fall. Ultimate Frisbee - Prefer Regular Frisbee. that will make your parents listen to you! They are York's podcast society, tragically they Handball - Hey that’s cheating! Volleyball - Netball’s Rugby Union. cannot afford voice recording software so they Hockey - Where’s the ice? YUSnow - That’s not snow... have to do everything live. Jiu Jitsu - What’s the difference...
...except a sense of purpose
This page is sub edited and breedable
Alternative Club Nights Announced In an annual attempt to try and diversify the nightlife available to students in York, YUSU has announced a number of alternative club nights for the minority of students who may be ﬁnding their 29th weekly Salvos Wednesday less engrossing than before. The hardhitting deep-digging journalists currently being blackmailed by The Lemon Press have uncovered the full list of events. Vegemite - Wanting to replicate the success of every ﬁnal-yearPhD-student’s favourite club night ‘Marmite’, this alternative night is one where everything is meat. Jam out to ‘Born to Run’ while chugging on Bovril served by the hunkiest dudes around, but remember you have to take some meat home with you, that’s the rules! River Ouse Nightclub - It turns out you can prevent drunk students jumping into the river by turning it into a crap ﬂoating nightclub. Even the most hammered student will hear the endlessly-looping ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ and decide they’d rather go for a kebab and a taxi home. DJ Breakz 2021 - Like many of us over lockdown, DJ Breakz has become DJ Brokenz, so enjoy alternative beats interspersed with long rants about the climate catastrophe and the reasons his parents don’t respect his profession. Critics who have only ever watched Bo Burnham’s Inside said ‘it is just like Bo Burnham’s Inside’.
Bins Behind NiSa-turdays - To avoid the locals who overrun the city centre at the weekend, YUSU invite students to join in a rave next to the Campus West Nisa bins. If you don’t come for the cheap half-drank Strongbow cans then come to witness the sensory battle between the smells of vodka and rotting veg. There’s no music, just the increasingly-elongating sighs of the staff working there. Do It Yourself - ‘If you don’t like it you can do it yourself’ has become ofﬁcial YUSU policy [again? - Ed], so in the middle of a ﬁeld there is a boombox, 2,000 Vks and a pre-coked toilet basin (no pipes suppled, YUSU’s a charity not an oil state). Go on, try to ﬁnd reasonably-priced security teams who don’t have the mindset of a roid-raged Dapper Laughs, you mewing little shits. Daniel Bennett
Freshers Warned Against Fake COVID‐19 Variants
The University of York this week warned this year's Freshers to take extra care to avoid catching a number of fake COVID-19 variants which are attempting to scam the upcoming cohort out of their hard-earned Freshers Flu. Speaking exclusively to Fragsoc for some reason, a leading pathologist said: ‘New university students are so eager to try out and join new viruses, which is great, but they have to make sure they are only getting the variants that the University is responsible for.’ ‘Some of the fake variants try to emulate the bat-human initial transmission of the disease, but skimp out the costs and try to get it from licking a rat that's wearing a little paragliding suit. This doesn’t give freshers the virus they came to York for, instead having to make do with the bubonic plague.’ In worrying scenes a rhinovirus in a monocle and fake moustache was spotted trying to enter a block in Derwent before being caught by security. On interrogation the virus said it was ‘just trying to see the famous sights of Derwent, like lengthduck, or the historic sick stain outside P block’. Freshers are advised to report any fake variants they spot to their local ﬁre service; they won't do anything, but every other service is busy and we'd imagine ﬁreﬁghters would get a good laugh out of it. Daniel Bennett
US Withdraw From Derwent College After Failed 20 Year War Against Asbestos The Biden administration has followed through with the deal the Trump administration struck with asbestos: to withdraw from Derwent college. The US invaded Derwent after the world trade centre was attacked, in order to end the threat asbestos presented to the United States and Derwent was known to be harbouring asbestos. The invasion involved all Nato countries, and the US setting up a democratic JCRC, which has now been overthrown by asbestos, which has also been ﬁlmed in the politics ofﬁces celebrating its successful take over. Derwent President Harry James promised to stay and ﬁght the asbestos take over but it is understood that he has already ﬂed the college. The British evacuation of Derwent College has prioritised evacuating the campus waterfowl, over the actual people who live there, which is fair enough if you’ve ever met anyone from Derwent. Despite promising to not give people cancer this time, asbestos has already given several people cancer, in a return to form for the material. Chris Small 5
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Campus Bussy Rated 66: A tight ﬁt on entry but once you’re in it’s roomy enough to spread out and get comfortable. It’s got a warm, familiar feeling that will keep you coming back for more of this bussy. It doesn’t quite do cartwheels but it’s well-travelled and knows all the best spots in York to get off. 7/10. UB1: Great if you’re looking for a quick step on and step off, gas pump and gas dump, lowdown and shakedown, rock it and bop it, swallow and unfollow… The UB1 is a streamlined bussy: quick, agile, and always eager. Available across campuses, it’ll be with you within half an hour and practically steaming. 5/10. 66x: The 66x brings the full xxx bussy experience to York. An early riser, it’s sure to get you up in the morning. The 66x wants you to run a train on it as it gets you both off early at the station. Get there quick or it’ll soon be accepting the next load of passengers. 9/10. 67: The 67 offers a full service, going all the way to York Sport Village because this bussy simply won’t stop. A treat for those looking for some secluded action. You have to try it at least once. 4/10. And that’s it freshers, your ultimate one-stop campus bussy shop. Will Rowan
Changes to Society Structure Announced to Mixed Reception A recent email received by students announcing and detailing the formation of new interdisciplinary schools to take effect in August 2022 has inspired the amalgamation of several YUSU run societies. Particular advocates of the combination of society decision include the newly formed Croc and Sock society, Test and Quiz society, and the Publishing, Print, and Press Society. Despite some positive reaction, this decision is not without its detractors: members of the Cat and Dog society have been ﬁghting like cats and dogs, there has been a standstill in negotiations in the Labour club, Liberal Democrats, and Conservative and Unionist Association society, and a spokesman from the combination Concert Orchestra and Comedy society when asked for comment simply stated ‘Wha wha wha whaaaa’. It is uncertain how the combinations of the Princess Diana, ReEnactment, and Murder Mystery Society, or the Real Ale, Lager, and Sobriety society will fair in the coming months; university representatives approached for comment stated, ‘drive safe’. Luke Horwitz
University To Create Emergency Support Fund for Sigma Students In recent news, the Vice Chancellor, Charlie Jeffery, has announced that for this academic year there will be a new emergency support fund for sigma males and females whose lifestyle has been affected by the pandemic. When asked about the fund, Professor Jeffery told us that ‘here at York, our students come from a variety of backgrounds and we aim to reﬂect that diversity. If students dedicated to the sigma grindset feel overlooked, it is important that we respect and support their hustle as a community, no matter how stupid they sound’. The emergency fund will include basic supplies including a selection of Ryan Gosling ﬁlms, some Joker posters, and free therapy. James Rhodes
University of York Introduce the YorSleeve Scheme Following the stunning success of the YorCup scheme, Eat at York are to trial a brand new YorSleeve scheme. Students will be able to reduce the use of disposable sleeves across campus by using University of York branded ﬂeshlight sleeves. A blog post calls this ‘an environmentally friendly option you can use when you're at home, at work, at uni or just out and about’. The scheme follows the principles of YorCup: buy, use, save. It combines the convenience of a disposable sleeve with the environmental beneﬁts of a reusable sleeve. Buy the sleeve, use as you please, and save 20p on your next purchase by showing your sleeve. It’s a sureﬁre success story and we at The Lemon Press can’t wait to review it for you in issue 50.
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Breaking Nouse: Archduke Franz Ferdinand has been shot
A Day in the Life of a Fake Fresher Having reported for years on the scourge of ‘fake freshers’, we managed to score an exclusive insight with a fake fresher. This is a day in their clown shoes. 4:00 am - Wake up to the sound of an ice cream van’s bullhorn. My bed’s soaking wet, it still hasn’t dried from last month. I’m dripping in some kind of fake sweat, just like the remnants of an ice cream on your hands before it gets all crusty. That new alarm sound is excellent. 4:15 am - Washed all the traces of last Monday off of me and now it’s time to blow dry my hair with Lynx Africa. It’s not from Africa, I got it in Swindon. It’s as fake as I am. 4:27 am - It’s 5:00 according to my inner clock which means it’s time to ﬁre up the laptop and get to work. I need to convert some of these ‘goings’ to cash in the bank and that cash to a plane ticket to Lagos and my future divorce fund. 4:36 am - 50 of them. 50 have signed up to my ‘EXCLUSIVE: Genuine York Freshers 2021’ event. At £15 a pop, I’ve nearly got enough to actually get Phoebe Bridgers as promised. It’s got to go to the war chest though. After all, this is war. 5:12 am - Some excellent posts are now scheduled. This will get the suckers panic buying in droves. I’m just going to gently remind them that 79% of people meet the person they marry in a club bathroom on freshers’ week. The other 33% take their regret to the grave. 5:13 am - Someone from last week has buyer’s remorse. My only regret is not getting them to sign up to my fake freshers accommodation. I’ve been raking it in letting virtual rooms in Eric Milner C. Fake freshers accommodation is where the business is headed and I’m the right landlord for the job. 5:23 am - God this food poisoning business is all too real. It’s Dresden in a bowl. 5:47 am - Lots of international students are online and so am I. It’s prime time for my fake Asian markets. My ‘Ofﬁcial International Student Welcome Tour’ only has ﬁve tickets left to anyone who asks. 6:15 am - It’s around lunchtime and I haven’t even left my bunker yet. Time for some of my tinned fake vegan meats - they’re fake as it’s just some very real pork scratching covered in vinegar in quorn packaging. A fake sheep in pig’s clothing if you will. 6:34 am - My body isn’t a temple, it’s an ofﬁcial club night in York Minster that you should invite all your friends to. I’m simply too good at this. I’ve got York by the balls and enough pairs to last me a lifetime. 6:59 am - I just remembered my dream from last night. I’d been shaved from head to toe, dipped in gold, and valued at £1,000,000 on Antiques Roadshow. 7:12 am - It’s time to turn the tables. I’ve got near-endless artiﬁcially ‘limited’ supply so now let’s create some real demand. Now it’s time to deploy my extensive network of fake student accounts, fake promoters, and fake venues to create a holy trinity of nudges towards the inevitability of my freshers week. The Butterﬂy Effect starts with me adding you as a friend and ends with a block and account deletion. 7:23 am - 112 is my favourite number. Crack that and it all makes sense. 7:32 am - My social manoeuvrings have borne fruit that I’m now sucking dry. That’s what I love about these student suckers, I keep getting richer and they stay the same naive age. 8:12 am - I love the people you meet when doing my job. Whenever someone asks that’s what I say. I say ‘Debbie, it’s the people who make it, and will you please come home?’. 8:23 am - I was only just talking about people and I’ve already made a new friend/customer. She can’t wait to come to York but will have to wait a little longer as I now have her train ticket money. 8:57 am - I’m like Robin Hood if he were in Tenet. I still don’t understand that ﬁlm or Tenet for that matter. 9:20 am - Being an admin of all these groups is very rewarding — ﬁnancially. I bump them from one page to another, it’s selfreinforcement manifest. I ran a freshers Q&A earlier where I scared the life out of anyone who hasn’t already signed up for my freshers events. I’m running both sides now, the ‘ofﬁcial’ ones and the plucky underdog ‘not ofﬁcial but that’s a badge of honour’ ones. Business is booming. 9:37 am - I’ve received the ﬁrst refund request of the day. I’m just typing out my usual two word reply when I realise this is a student journalist asking. I make it three words, adding ‘right’ in the middle. 9:53 am - A new strategy is in the making. I’ve already exceeded the theoretical capacity of my club night’s venue three times over but now I’m telling people the event has sold out. Then I ﬁre up a few burner accounts and get a good ticket resell market for my fake event going — soon they’re paying triple and I’m seeing double. It must be dinner time soon… 10:12 am - I’m hungry like the wolf as I watch the reheated meat spit all over my microwave, degrading us both. Feeding time. 11:57 am - Passed out in a meat coma just as I passed £1000 revenue for the day. It feels like my head’s got stuck in the grinder again, just a few more weeks of this and I’ll be on my way. 12:15 pm - Close the inner set of blinds and go to bed. Not long for Lagos now. I’m coming Debbie. Will Rowan 7
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Breaking Nouse: A man has fallen into the river in Mesopotamia city
University‐Geese Ceasefire off Following Peace Talk Communication Breakdown Breaking Nouse: Plane Hits North Tower of the World Trade Centre The North Tower of the world trade centre has been hit by a commercial airliner, leaving just the south tower still standing. What does this mean for America? What does this mean for airline travel? What does this mean for this week’s parliamentary agenda? Keep up with some other week's news, here in the Nouse politics section. Chris Small
Communication breakdowns resulting from translation difﬁculties arose this week between university representatives and representatives from the extremist waterfowl sect known as the geese, throwing doubt on the future of campus relations. The peace talks, held at the demilitarised Greg’s Place, quickly devolved in the absence of UN peacekeepers from attempted discussion to threats and demonstrations of violence perpetrated by the geese following the misinterpretation of seed and corn benefaction. Following tense and unsuccessful verbal negotiations, University representatives changed tactics with the gifting of traditional waterfowl delicacies; the presentation of this peace offering appears, however, to have been perceived by the geese present at the peace talks to be an act of aggression. This confusion resulted in swift demonstrations of force and a brief standoff ensued. Conﬂict was avoided when university representatives, keen to prevent another altercation, retreated from Greg’s Place to safer ground. No injuries were sustained on either side. A university representative stated, following the encounter, that, “Both sides fundamentally want a peaceful conclusion to the aggressions for their people and realise they can’t get that without resolving the language barrier issues we now face”. Geese representatives declined to comment. Luke Horwitz
College Fantasy Football Launched The University’s college football teams have noticed that barely any of you watch their games, and they’re all very upset at this, I hope you’re proud of yourself. So to get back your attention they have launched a Fantasy Football app! 2 Points - Clean sheet, Assist, Goal 5 Points - Downed a can at pres in one 8 Points - Pulled someone at Salvos 16 Points - Pulled someone at Salvos who and don't ﬁnd each other reprehensible after 8am the next morning 20 Points - Chundered 25 Points ‘Respectfully Chundered’ (a mate has an arm around them saying ‘get it all out mate, better out than in’ rather than pointing and laughing) 300 Points - Get even a second glance from someone who is within 2 degrees of separation from a Non-League team’s scouting department.
Wiww 'wwitew of the yeaw 19/20' rowan
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A similar app will be available for the university’s rugby teams, just as soon as somebody manages to explain to me how normal fantasy rugby actually works. Mr Could've Made It Pro
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8 Types of People You Won’t Meet at University
A Norwegian - You don’t see many Norwegians about campus, do you? The university is a smorgasbord of every predominantlywhite nationality possible, but I can't remember the last time I've spoken to a Norwegian. Not even casually, like someone nodding across to one at a party and saying ‘that’s Norwegian Keith’. Funny that, you'd expect to have met at least one right? The Nightclub-Sceptic - You meet people who go to nightclub parties every night, you meet people who hate clubbing and would rather do anything else, but what about people who refuse to believe clubs are real? Thinking Salvos is a big conspiracy, and everyone who goes in there is just forcibly read Das Kapital until they’re sweating profusely. Chances are you won’t meet them, as they’ll be too busy logging on to the TPUK Discord. The Vine Star - A majority of freshers this year would’ve been 12 when Vine was shut down. Twelve. I am basically a walking corpse for even remembering ‘What Are Those’, ‘Damn Daniel’ and ‘Ouchy Brenda’, so any Vine star is probably having to do virtual learning from their retirement homes, their rotting brains unable to transition to TikTok. It’s me. I am Vine Star. My Ex - I would absolutely not put it past her to sneak back into a uni dorm and prey on naive freshers to ﬁll the gaping hole in her soul the only way she knows how, but the last I heard of her was that she had moved to Portugal with ‘someone I don’t actually have to fake it for’, and getting a plane back here would be a lot of effort just to meet you, right? Fuck you Susie, we had something special. Another Norwegian - If you won’t meet one Norwegian in your university accomodation, what’s the odds of meeting a second one? Basically zero I would imagine. Unless the one shy Norwegian on campus has their extroverted Norwegian friend come to visit, and through encouraging him to gradually come out of his shell in a safe environment the two of them start going to big campus events where you happen to bump into them. I
really want to meet these Norwegians now, dudes rock. The Octopush Player - Hear me out on this one; I genuinely think Octopush is a fake sport invented as an extremely high-risk tax scam. Think about it, have you ever met an Octopusher? [Octopushee? Octipushi? - Ed] They conveniently always play underwater indoors so you never actually see them and just have to take their word they are playing. All that sports funding is probably being used to launder some dark waterproof drugs trade [there is zero evidence to back up these claims, we would like to apologise to Octopusheries and their burly Dads - Ed]. The Future Ventriloquist - You meet lots of people who embody their future jobs while studying at university. Young lawyers tearing apart student housing contracts, young landlords telling them not to worry about it, but you never really see young ventriloquists practicing their trade at an amatuer level. Apart from the men's toilets at Popworld, where neither party seemed very committed to their roles. The Person You Always Wanted To Be - Have you ever sat at the back of an Open Day talk about university life and imagined the extroverted social powerhouse you have never been but could easily become in the fast and furious university environment? Well kill that person, you are never going to meet them, even with an irresponsible amount of drink to lubricate your 3 ounces of socially-acceptable personality you’re just going to be a very loud introvert blasting out a mixtape of generic overshares through the metaphorical boombox that is your insecurity. Just embrace who you really are, orbit around the outskirts of like-minded social groups like a social Pluto, and try not to get any of your awkward formative sexual experiences on the carpet. You’ll be ﬁne, in the broken, not-quite-bad-enough-to-endure-NHSwaiting-lists-for way that we expect most people to exist in these days, you’ll ﬁt right in! Daniel Bennett
Sophie Kelly Buys Kuda, Closes It In a quest not to go back on a Candidate Interview Night Statement (an unrepentable crime for any SAAB), Sophie Kelly has announced that the University of York’s Student Union has brought Kuda. ‘We had to move some money about and make a few compromises regarding what we kept and sold’ the Activities Ofﬁcer told reporters outside the newly-refurbished Heslington Canopy, ‘but in order to give students the best nightlife we had to buy an entire nightclub. There was literally no other way.’ However, merely a week before its grand reopening, Kelly announced that she was personally going to close Kuda permanently. In a second press release written in blood and ‘paint’, it was said that ‘I literally based my campaign on the vague wishes of what these people wanted and they still stabbed me in the back, I’m laughing, I’m actually going to become the fucking Joker, try VONCing someone who has just VONCed the concept of society you capricious little shits.’ Daniel Bennett
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8 Campus Cryptids to Look Out For You’ve just moved into your university room, unpacked all the ‘essentials’ you’ll never use, and now you want to get to get to grips with your surroundings. You’re in the right place. Here’s a rundown of all the campus cryptids you’ll ﬁnd on the prowl. Bigfoot Doorsafe: A handsome Bigfoot has been moonlighting as a member of Doorsafe for decades. A charming chap, he’s 8 feet tall, jacked in a non-human way, and got the most wonderful body to lay on at night as you twirl his thick chest hair. The Ripped Megalodon Vanbrugh Dining Chef: If you’re looking for a tasty treat, the local ripped megalodon is the Gordon Ramsay of aquatic chefs. A veriﬁed three course catered meal themselves, the chef is said to appear at the end of every service for a select group of dining clientele. At any one time, there are at most 5 students actually eating in Vanbrugh Dining and 10 times more dreaming about that gruff voice and tender abdominal region. The Yearning Hole of Existential Dread: This can be found all over: at the library before a deadline, at 2am under your bed, in cubicle 3 of D bar’s loos. Don’t get too close or it will suck you in and try to consume you whole. The D Bar Lurker: This ghost of degrees past is rumoured to appear at the most inconvenient of times [isn’t that just any time? - Ed.]. Frequent D Bar enough and you’ll soon feel a presence at hand: always watching, always waiting for their call to Vanbrugh Arms. Whatever you do, don’t approach. You’ll soon ﬁnd yourself under their spell and gripped in the throws of mind numbing conversation. The Lad of the Lake: Last seen on the front cover of issue 37, the Lad’s all about the drip. He’s said to still be leaving a damp trail around campus ever since he left his home in search of meaning. After every autumnal shower, the Lad’s scent permeates campus. Put your nose to the ground and follow that trail and one day you too may get to see the Lad. The Beast From The East: The cause of all those cold snaps and a hulking creature that stomps around Heslington East, The Beast From Hes East is one to look out for. Greased, ﬂeeced, and now on day release, they’re a DIY god who are rumoured to be in the process of reconstructing The Forest brick by brick on Hes East. The Norwegian: The cryptid here with the least evidence of existing. No-one ever seems to have met a Norwegian on campus but that won’t stop the true believers. If you do meet one then make sure to give them a big welcome. R***a*d: The only person who has claimed to have seen all of the above creatures and provided quite lurid, intimate descriptions of each one. We’re thankful for their service and deeply saddened by their recent passing. RIP. Will Rowan
The Patrick O'Donnell App Launched Taking from the success of other Top Lads™, YUSU President Patrick 'The Party' O'Donnell has launched his own app in order to keep his followers up to date on local and virtual issues. The thriving app is already ﬁlled with photos of the President’s activities, such as Patrick on a zoom call, a masked Patrick standing outside a canopy, Patrick on another zoom call and an unmasked Patrick standing slightly further away from a canopy. Some commentators voiced fears that this app, creating a direct link between President and pleb, could undermine student media’s coverage of Patrick’s presidency. ‘Yeah Patrick is an alright guy for a president’ said every member of student media disturbingly in unison as a response. However, the launch was not all smooth sailing. Within an hour of the app’s launch the built-in forums were ﬁlled up with anonymous accounts growing increasingly angry that their comments were being ignored, despite Patrick’s remarkable efforts to respond to every single one in an unwaveringly conciliatory manner. By the end of the day the President had managed to stumble into even more controversy, causing YUSU to issue a statement saying: ‘In fulﬁlling his duty to run an app for all users, Patrick simply had no choice but to respond to the comment calling for all the local waterfowl to be murdered for “enabling York Parties through inaction”. Sure he may have misjudged the situation by saying he would “seriously consider it and will bring up the proposal of industrial-scale shredders at the next Board of Directors meeting”, but it all goes towards making the app inclusive of the whole Patrick O’Donnell community.’ Daniel Bennett
What Your 4th Favourite Flatmate Says About You We all have favourite and least favourite ﬂatmates; we can’t help it, it’s like having children if you only kept your children for 1-3 years and they had a borderline-psychotic attitude towards washing up. But what about your 4th favourite, that real piece of bronze in the rough who shines brighter than the shit but not bright enough to be noticeable? The Lemon Press has looked into them, and what that acquaintanceship says about you. Declan - The man is pure 50-50. Washes up half of the time, goes to half of his lectures, he only wants to scrape a 2:2 this year and from the noises coming from his room after Salvos at 3am it’s only ever 50% of the people in the room managing to get off. But you can’t hate a man so half-hearted when there are so many people devoted to being cunts in your ﬂat, so he rises above them on pure apathy alone. But hey, at least you’ve got some good ﬂat horror stories. Lucy - Lucy always seems busy with other stuff, so you haven’t really had enough time to talk to her and learn all the reasons to despise her yet. I’m sure she’s not deliberately avoiding you, she’s just busy doing her unusually expensive hobbies with the children of investment bankers, but in the corridor she seems like a nice enough girl as long as you don’t ask where the money is coming from. Well done, you’ve enabled another Tory, enjoy your future career in The Times. Rob - Okay, he listens to Joe Rogan every day while cooking, but I promise that’s like the lower quartile of his personality, he doesn’t seem to be listening to it enough to actually take in the pseudo-intelligence bullshit, I think he just enjoys Joe’s voice. He also saved you some birthday cake once, and complimented your hair, and... oh for fuck’s sake, he’s reading How To Win Friends and Inﬂuence People again isn’t he? Congratulations, you’re so basic a man from 1936 can read you. Courtney - You’ve never actually seen her leave the kitchen, or enter it, there’s a real chance she doesn’t actually have a room in your ﬂat. As a result Courtney has become an amalgamation of every other personality in your ﬂat, always managing to side with the majority on every single discussion, telling edgy jokes while being outraged at outrage humour, the lifelong vegan who’s always down to go Nando's. If this person-by-committee is your 4th favourite, best not get too close to them before they absorb your cursed personality traits, eh? Daniel Bennett
York Races Everyone is white Iwan Stone
Top Tips for Campus Living: College‐by‐ College Alcuin: Say 'Morph Suit Man' three times into a mirror to bring life to your party, and then have yours swiftly ended. Anne Lister: Take a tent, just in case they don’t ﬁnish building your room. Constantine: To get to know your college mates better, join the Conservative Society. Actually, don’t worry, you probably already have. Derwent: Don’t. Goodricke: Stay away from the Computer Science building. You don’t need me to tell you why. Halifax: Feed the silverﬁsh. Befriend the silverﬁsh. If you protect the silverﬁsh, the silverﬁsh will protect you. James: Avoid the gym at all costs for fear of jocks. And the Physics building, for fear of nerds. Actually, just never go near James. It’s safer that way. Langwith: Try not to think too hard about how your college is built on a Roman burial site. After all, it’s only a rumour… right? Wentworth: I know you’re already regretting your choice of Masters’ project. Give up while you still can. Vanbrugh: Take earplugs, unless you want to unintentionally tune into URY every day. Alex Towells
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Majority of Undergraduates Born After 9/11 With the vast majority of foundation, 1st and 2nd year students being born after September 2001, we must contemplate what this means for the student culture here at the University of York. My heart breaks knowing that instead of having our student media and societies run by people who watched the event from their cot or gold-lined Oxbridge-pathway-recommended ball pit, the new leaders of York will only know of stories of the day. The truth is that missing out on probably the biggest cultural event in modern history will have caused them to grow up with a different outlook on the world. As a one year old, watching a horriﬁc tragedy occur collectively alongside the entire civilised world (whilst being bottle fed) prepared for watching YUSU’s Election Debate Night coverage. They would have also never experienced airplane travel before the whole experience became a display of militarised security theatre, making them perfectly adapted for the queue into Kuda. The media they were exposed to would have changed too. Gone are the good old days of having commie Russians be the main enemy in your ﬁlms and computer games, rather than ‘generic Middle Eastern people with surprisingly ﬂuent English’, probably making this university easy pickings for a Stalinist takeover. We must keep an eye out on all the potential places in which these communists could come together and plot, like the Marxist Society, or Fragsoc (I keep seeing cyka blyat on your screens, I’m on to you). Personally I believe that missing out on cultural milestone has made the current undergraduate cohort soft and weak, and in order to ﬁx that we need [REDACTED NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO - Ed]. Lod Riddle
'Save D‐Bar' Group to Form Militant Wing The save D-Bar group, led by Gerry Adams, more commonly known as ‘Gadams’, has formed its own militant wing. The militant wing has become known as the D-Bar Republican army (the DRA). This gives the new group one key advantage over the IRA, in that it would appear earlier in the phonebook. Unlike the usual tactics employed by terrorist groups such as bombing things, the leader of this group will merely threaten its enemies with badly cooked asparagus, and a poorly coordinated media campaign. It is understood that the DRA has already split into the ‘Real DBar republican army’ and ‘Provisional D-Bar republican army’, due to the fact that the two factions disagree on ‘bombing D-Bar to radicalise the moderates’. Chris Small
Food Review ‐ Aftertastes of Sanitisers Around Campus Bottles Sold At Nisa - You get what you pay for, Nisa’s premium £5 bottle really hits the spot, making your food taste metallic but not overpoweringly so. The taste lasts for up to three hours after, but since it is in a little carry bottle you can squirt some right into your mouth as a treat. Make sure not to get carried away though; I have already gone into overdraft to keep up with my passion for 70% proof potassium. Sanitisers Outside Nisa - For the peasants, or people who want to be sanitized before opening their new premium sanitizer bottle, you can really tell they watered down this free version. I had to down three mouthfuls of it just to get a hint of metal, by which time I was drowning and campus security was ﬁlming the entire thing in awe. Exhibition Centre Dispensers - A suspiciously sticky and dusty gunge, having been maturing in its dispenser for a whole year like a ﬁne wine, this mid-range sanitiser is infused with a blend of exotic tastes that only a prolonged exposure to STEM students can provide (GFuel, bike oil and a miniscule hint of perfume). An aftertaste that stays with you in the mouth and the soul. Sports Centre Dispensers - Awful, a horrible watery gloop that ruins the good name of sanitization. It has absolutely no taste. If I were to give my wife a kiss on the lips after eating with these sanitized hands, how would she know I was clean if she can’t taste it? This tasteless abomination offers neither of us reassurance, so it's very likely that whatever germs are on the rugby boys survive this weak sauce. Ron Cooke Hub Dispensers - Much better, well worth a walk to East Campus for a gel that gives off hints of cucumber along with a whole lot of premium metal. When my wife gives me a kiss on the lips she can go to her bed assured that her husband is clean keeping up with his ﬁve a day. Using The Lake - The superior option, whatever germs you have on those sinned hands will be overpowered by the newlydiscovered germs in Europe’s largest plastic-bottomed lake. With a pleasantly meaty aftertaste this “free” sanitiser isn’t vegan friendly, but will give you the chance to create your own new variant if you’re brave enough. Daniel Bennett
A Warning From Your Editors You have reached the end of the campus section. It all gets progressively weirder from here, we cannot protect you now. Read on at your own peril. Chris and Dan
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52:48 Revealed as New Golden Ratio Fantastic! Scientists have found a new, improved golden ratio for the modern world. 52:48 is the new, improved formula to solve all our problems and make some tasteful living art in the meantime. It’s already been seen to appear in patterns of nature as complex as referendums and how sure my wife is when she says she loves me. Contemporary artists, political commentators, and those in the middle of that bizarre Venn diagram are keen to seize this ‘golden opportunity’. Early adopters have found it to be both aesthetically and morally pleasing, much more so than the practically passé 1:1.6. Ahead of the curve as always, The Lemon Press will be putting 52% of submitted articles for this issue under a pseudonym with the remaining 48% being printed with real names and plenty of misgivings. Will Rowan
Double Jabbed Given License to Kill In addition to being able to skip self-isolation, fully vaccinated people will soon be given a gun and immunity from prosecution. Lateral ﬂow tests are to be replaced with a ‘testing’ scheme that gives everyone in the country a new bullet twice a week. Sajid Javid expects to see ‘deaths inevitably increase’ under the proposals. Gun-related perks are only a sliver of the new freedoms afforded on July 19th. The following perks are expected: • You can legally torrent any ﬁlm you want and The Pirate Bay is a-okay. • Underage drinking ceases to exist as a concept with the age limit reduced to conception. • Tax evasion will join tax avoidance as perfectly legal. • Whatever happened in the last 20 minutes of Joker will not only be legal but recommended. • It’s now legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow all week long. • Every Turning Point York account gets veriﬁed as a matter of principle. • TLP can ﬁnally publish that story we couldn’t talk about for years. • David Levine can do anything he wants with his sword. • The record on Roses Esports 2019 ﬁnally gets corrected, ‘if I did it… I’d do it again’. Will Rowan
News & Politics
NHS COVID‐19 App to Add Kill Counts and DPS Meters in Latest Update Despite the overwhelming success of the NHS's minute-by-minute death count coverage, one of the UK's largest demographics proved just too brainwashed to take the dread pill: gamers. Now why is that? Well sadly neither of our writers could ﬁnd an -ism close enough to blame it on for Twitter, so we decided to do some research. After a thorough 3 stage testing cycle over multiple years we found that, for example, people who spend 12-15 hours a day on Factorio simply don't have time to attend regular Sunday service. Instead they ﬁnd themselves developing interesting and unique personalities by browsing Reddit. See, Reddit is a popular 9gag alternative where civilians rate each other based on how much they respect and admire Tencent and its many investments; conveniently it has support for other important discussion like Donald Trump and Softcore Pornography. So how does this tie into The Coronavirus? See, in the end it's all a numbers game. Reddit karma? Steam playtime? Unemployment rates? It's one big desperate grind to get the most à la mode cock around and these guys sure are thirsty! Give them a chance to ﬂex their social credit in style with realtime LIVES SAVED and LIVES RUINED leaderboards and they might just start caring about being NHS heroes. Soon enough the only hard R these gamers will need is the COVID-19 Reproductive number. There is no alternative. Connor Sanders
Ben Shapiro Confirms Facts and Feelings HAVE Explored Each Other’s Bodies Do you think facts and feelings have explored each other’s bodies? Ask no longer, Ben Shapiro has conﬁrmed that facts explore each other’s feelings every night in his house and his AirPods can’t block out the sounds. Taking a break from the mysteries of his dry wife, Shapiro took to Twitter to ask if ‘anyone else is faced with ‘facts-induced sleep deprivation when it’s railing feelings in the upper bunk of my Cars 2 bed???’. Facts still don’t care about his feelings but they’re shaking the bed frame every night. Will Rowan
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Prince Philip Had Bovine TB, Post‐Mortem Finds Following the shock news that Geronimo the alpaca did not have bovine tuberculosis, The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that Prince Philip was infected with the disease when he died. According to the leaked coroner's report, the Duke of Edinburgh had caught the illness while shielding at Balmoral, raising questions as to how the prince became unwell. The Express speculates that he was infected by a communist sleeper cow under the control of Meghan Markle. In related news, TLP understands that DEFRA is planning to put down Nouse next week. A source said 'it's plain Nouse has nothing to live for. I mean, publishing month-old commentary on what the fall of Kabul means for the Middle East is hardly going to launch stellar careers in journalism, is it?'. TLP is delighted that the Government is ﬁnally going to put this rotting old animal out of its misery. Thomas Audley
Old Dog Learns a New Trick!
Unfortunately , it's noose making. It hasn't been the best year for old Bingo. Daniel Bennett
Ethical Ways to Kill Geronimo • Drop him into Fortnite without a parachute. • Put him on the beach in OLD and watch him die from old age within 15 minutes. Record it and sell the ﬁlm to distributors. Reinvest the proﬁts in cloning Geronimo and then shoot the clone in the head. • Change Geronimo’s name to Brexit red tape and have Johnson symbolically bludgeon him to death on national TV. • Take him to Bolivia where alpaca meat is a delicacy and let nature/proﬁt incentives take their course. • Follow the Clay Method of setting up a pantomime alpaca in to kill him and watch the ensuing chaos play out when DEFRA arrive on the scene. • Radicalise Geronimo by whispering ‘based’ into his ear every minute for a week. Watch him fall down the alt-right pipeline by hooking him up to a laptop that only plays YouTube videos and has a pdf reader. Clear out when the hit squad arrives. • Introduce him to one particular guy from Buenos Aires. • Write love letters to Geronimo, hold him closer than any other, let him know that you think he’s the one for you. Shower him with affection and let him feel love’s sweet natural high. Invent something beautiful together that feels handmade: delicate yet tough. Then break up with him on Snapchat, leave for Lagos, and see him waste away as he chokes on the memories of words that now taste like ash in his mouth, Debbie. Will Rowan
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News & Politics
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The Day Boris Johnson Was Turned Into a Toaster Journalist Daniel 'Who Else' Bennett recounts the extraordinary day that the Prime Minister of Great Britain and Occasionally Northern Ireland was turned into a Russell Hobbs 21640 Textures 2-Slice Toaster. 7am - In their shared Downing Street bedroom, Carrie Symonds wakes up next to her husband who is now a toaster. In a halfasleep haze she feels the cold, metallic toaster body against her back and with a giggle asks why the Prime Minister is being so unusually ﬂirtatious. It is only when she rolls on top of the other two pins of the plug that she leaps out of bed to see that Boris Johnson is now a toaster. 8am - Carrie acts on her instincts telling her to act like nothing has happened. Carrying Boris Johnson The Toaster to the dining room she gives the Prime Minister the day's papers and two slices of bread (what else do toasters eat?). The toaster reacts to the Guardian and Mirror with the usual levels of apathy, however Harry Cole would get scared and suspicious if he didn’t receive his daily feedback about The Sun. Fortunately, Boris Johnson had scheduled a text to send him daily, so the press pack was none the wiser for now. 9am - Kuenssberg. Two missed calls from Kuenssberg sends Symonds into a panic, she has never needed a third call, the political rumor mill probably is about to explode and the black ties are more than likely already out of the wardrobe. Well, they would be, but this was actually Kuenssberg getting the wrong number twice. Still, it doesn’t stop Number 10 panicking. 10am - An emergency skeleton cabinet is convened between de facto Deputy Prime Minister Dominic Raab, Leader of the Opposition Keir Starmer and Boris Johnson, The Toaster. There is no agenda, no formal greeting aside from the shared acknowledgement that the ‘Prime Minister is now a toaster’, leaving the two to stare at their own distorted image on the toaster for a while. Starmer waits for Raab to make the ﬁrst move. Raab has never used a toaster before. Eventually, silently, Raab picks up a piece of bread and drops bits of it in like he is feeding a duck. After getting through 3 slices of Kingsmill in silence, Raab is stopped by Starmer. He thinks Raab should go further and work with him to make a slice of toast. Between them, they end up burning about 5 slices before giving up and staring at the toaster some more. 11am - A suspicious noise is heard emerging from the Downing Street bathroom. It’s David Cameron, crawling out the toilet basin, swamped in sewage yet still with perfectly assembled hair. He begs Raab and Starmer not to kick him out of the heart of the machine, it’s just that Johnson was not answering his texts and he got very concerned. Then he asks, where is the Prime Minister? He tries to push past the duo, Raab half-heartedly pushes him back, Starmer lines up a killer haymaker then waits for the right moment to swing, giving Cameron time to stroll past. He immediately recognises the exhausted yet egotistical posture of 15
News & Politics
An artist's impression of Boris Johnson The Toaster. Bary Monkbonk, the artist, said 'what do you expect me to draw, it's a fucking toaster' posture of any Prime Minister on the toaster. Lex Greensill, listening in on Cameron’s headset, leaks the news to the press. 12pm - Loose Women is the ﬁrst TV show to pick up the news, running with ‘Would You Stay With YOUR Husband If He Was A Toaster?’. Every stay at home parent in Britain is greeted to the pictures of Janet Street-Porter riding a massive inﬂatable 3 pin plug like a Bucking Bronco. To the breast-feeders and potsmokers of Britain this is an ordinary Thursday afternoon, however the sight of Janet enjoying the thing too much causes someone in the audience to vomit over Les Dennis. This clip and the context behind it goes viral since there wasn’t a lot else happening on Twitter that day. The story is out; The Prime Minister is now a toaster. 1pm - To quell the rumors of Boris Johnson being a toaster, a press conference is arranged where a fake Johnson will answer questions. The Cabinet draw straws to decide who will be the fake Johnson, with Gove getting the shortest of the straws. Donning pounds of prosthetic facial fat, a wig and makeup it’s not quite clear what exact form of racism the look counts as, however it is agreed the footage should be deleted after today. 2pm - The conference begins. The usual 10 faces are in the audience, ready to pounce like heavily-sedated panthers. Somehow Gove makes a speech that only contains the line ‘I am Boris Johnson and I am not a toaster’ go on for 25 minutes, constantly ﬁghting the urge to ﬁx his own hair and untailored suit like a nervous twitch. It’s all looking good until a journalist asks the question ‘if you were to become a toaster, who would step in in your place?’. Gove says Gove. Instantly every journalist,
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[new header ordered will arrive in 35 business days] journalist, who has asked Johnson this privately and got a different answer (Grant Shapps, obviously), sees through the disguise. Gove sprints off but the game is up and the country is in a state of panic. 3pm - Amidst scenes of complete anarchy, Raab takes the most major action of his political career; opening the Prime Minister’s personal safe (code 0000) he takes out the 1st Generation Blackberry 850 and types in the code needed to activate The Return of The Dom. Somehow, Cummings was already parched Gollum-like at the Prime Minister’s desk, uttering one sentence over and over again: ‘it was Hancock. It was Hancock.’ 4pm - Kunnesberg tweets ‘Govt source tells me Matt Hancock was responsible for Toastageddon, he tried to turn Rishi Sunak into a kettle last month - ﬁnd out more on emergency #Brexitcast ep Brown Bread Boris’. 5pm - An entire panicking nation is rallied behind a reason to once again target Matt Hancock. His house, which oddly resembles his face, is burnt down in anger. Gifs are made of him kissing other kitchen appliances. A giant Hancock efﬁgy is lightly burned on both sides until golden-brown. Hancock, enjoying the 4th month of his extended hiking holiday in Wales, is none the wiser to any of it, and on his return just assumes the millions of pounds in damages were meant for something else. 6pm - As the sun begins to set on a capital conglomorating in cathartic chaos, Boris Johnson The Toaster is put in a cupboard. In the morning he will transform back into a person and nobody will ever bring up the story again, save for the occasional moment when you glance at a toaster and think ‘I swear that our Prime Minister... or am I thinking about the incident with the grill... ah nevermind.’
Hi there, this is The Lemon Press with the latest round up of parliaments as part of our much-loved Parliamentary Review™. We’re dedicated to keeping you in the loop, which is why this year we are reviewing century old buildings as only we can. Palace of Westminster/‘Mother of Parliaments’: The parliament for those of you with unresolved mummy issues. This is a feast for the eyes and crumbly in all the right places. These days, there are many places you can get arrested just for being English, but if it’s going to happen anywhere you’d want it to happen here. 10/10 Centre Block: A sprightly building at a mere 94 years old, Centre Block is the new kid on the Canadian block. It’s the heart of the complex on Ottawa’s Parliament Hill. Having risen like The Dark Knight in The Dark Knight Rises from the ﬁery wreckage of its ﬁrst iteration [Have you actually seen this ﬁlm? - Ed.], it’s a comeback kid with the world in its eye and its eye in its socket. 7/10 The Capitol: A huge complex and one of the most secure places in the world [Is this some kind of parliament review set in a different time period? Can anyone hear me??? - Ed.]. Loses marks for not being a parliament, this really slipped through the cracks of my webbed hands. 3/10 Central Hall: Not a parliament and no congress in sight, this really isn’t ticking many boxes here. I’m starting to suspect that the inclusion of Central Hall is just a token mention to ensure that this article is relevant to students at York. Mission accomplished. Will Rowan
Girlboss or Goebbels? C
A) That's ultimate Girlboss Kamila Harris! We stan a slaying Queen! B) Uh oh, that's Nazi chief propagandist Joseph Goebbels! Boooooo! C) It's North Korean Girlboss Kim-Yo jong! Finally, a female despot! D) Trick question, it's supportive Girlboss Magda Goebbels (wife of Joseph), so both are right!
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News & Politics
'yeah bro I totally have COVID, her variant just goes to a different school'
Queer‐Coded Starmer Launched In a bid to win back the diminishing youth vote, Sir Keir Rodney Starmer KCB QC has been relaunched as a new queer-coded leader of the opposition. The relaunch project was coordinated by external advisor Peter Mandleson, who was parachuted into the Labour Party Head Ofﬁce after Starmer received a series of embarrassing ratios underneath key policy tweets. Mandleson told The Lemon Press that ‘during previous governments we didn’t actually know that the queer community, erm, existed, but it turns out there are loads of them. And we feel like this group with signiﬁcant representation in swing states deserves a leader who looks out for them and their issues, whatever they are.’
Kerry Foods Slammed Over Special Edition Cheesestring; 'Peter Cheesestringfellow' The makers of the cheese string have been forced into a drastic product recall after a new commemorative ‘string’ left customers cheesed off. Peter Cheesetringfellow was meant to bring a historical perspective on the strip club king to their largely child audience with Peter’s face being to cheese what George Washington is to stone. A representative told us that ‘somewhere along the way it got muddled, our line of “body of God” salt and vinegar crisps will probably even be called off. That's a huge hole in our new lineup we need ﬁlling already.’ Will Rowan
For Sale Ad Space Never Purchased A Treasurer Who Just Wants People To Love Him. And Money. Mostly Money.
‘This new Starmer still contains all the previous levels of masculinity in order to not lose our hardearned patriot vote, however now when vocalising strong support for expanding the military he will do so while holding eye contact with electoral-daddy Rishi Sunak for slightly too long to create a queer sexual tension.’ When questioned about the launch being a case of transparent pandering, Mandleson said ‘if it works and we [The Labour Party? - Ed] get back into power nobody will really mind. Alternatively, it’s not queerbaiting if nobody bites it, it just becomes a harmless little queerscented worm ﬂoating in an ocean of apathy.’ But the road to Number 10 is never made in one step, which is why, following a private council with electability bloodhound Tony Blair, Starmer is also said to be working on a personal project of ‘getting dummy thicc’ for votes. Leaked Whatsapp messages stated Starmer’s intent to ‘follow the science of just eating good and having blessed genes, baby’, however suits are struggling to hide his new electoral weapon. In a blow to his electability, Starmer was removed from the House of Commons for breaking the strict no-applause rule after clapping those fat cheeks while standing in an immigration debate. The Speaker Lindsay Hoyle said ‘it was quite frankly an outrageous display of intimidation for a Thursday afternoon, the House already has stern limits on the number of Mommy Milkers allowed on the chamber ﬂoor and we will not hesitate to crack down on cheeks too’. Also commentating on the scandal, an absolutely bafﬂed Ian Dunt said ‘Fuck? Fuck. Fuck yes! Corbyn always failed to pick a side between twinks and thicc daddies, so it’s so fucking nice to have an adult come out to bat for batty.’ Daniel 'Is Very Sorry For Writing This' Bennett
Olivia Rodrigo Announces ‘4 U’ Charity Single feat. CIA Guy Following the success of her single Good 4 U, Rodrigo has been keen to team up in a landmark deal with CIA guy to produce 4 U — 3 minutes of pure auditory heaven. In the Nolan-directed music video, we can see Bane getting in on the action, reaching into the microphone to give slurred ‘4 U’s as he downs bottle after bottle of Colgate mouthwash. It's a natural follow-up to Tenet and critics are raging about it. Will Rowan
The Sir John Chilcot Essay Mill Sir John Chilcot has entered the paid for essay business, offering to do student’s essays on their behalf for the ‘reasonable’ price of £10 million and in the ‘reasonable’ timeframe of approximately 7 years. The retired civil servant/public inquiry chair is happy to write essays about any topic apart from the Iraq war with him saying ‘If I ever have to write about Tony Blair, Sadam Hussein or WMDs again I will become The Joker’. Chris Small
News & Politics
Undergraduate degree diplomas are also printed on this paper too, you know
Chris Packham’s MI6 Files Leaked by Inside Source Information from MI6 has revealed that the intelligence service is keeping highly detailed records on the BBC wildlife presenter, Chris Packham. Leaked by an insider last week, the ﬁles reveal Packham to be a threat to national security, a cog in an international ﬁrearms smuggling ring, and potentially the living embodiment of Mictlantecuhtli, the Aztec god of death and the underworld. Strong stuff for a guy who gets hyped up over fox shit. But I guess that’s the perfect cover. As well as denying the charges, Packham has also taken to wearing Kevlar-lined bulletproof gilets, hiring body-doubles, and has even threatened to not ﬁlm outside until the ﬁles are destroyed. But dangerous or not, it is hoped that MI6 doesn’t try and assassinate Chris Packham. And anyway, Springwatch shuts the boomers up for an hour and MI6 really should have more important things to do. James Rhodes
‘Whitty Chris’ Makes Stand Up Debut Due to a self-proclaimed shortage of work, Professor Chris Whitty has followed his dream of becoming a stand up comic under the name ‘Whitty Chris’. The Lemon Press was at his premiere standup night at the Fibbers Comedy Club (under new management) and recorded some hot extracts. 'These days, you will be arrested and thrown in jail, just for... well, no actually you will not be thrown in jail, and there is only a minimal chance that you will be arrested, but the important thing to remember is that by being English you pose a risk to yourself and others of being institutionalised, so these days you should look to be part of other nationalities to reduce this risk.' 'Knock knock Knock knock. Knock knock... Knock knock? Knock knock? Hello? Is this thing on? I said knock knock.’ 'Does anyone else remember when the binman was hard? I don’t, I am only 55, why does everyone keep calling me brave for not retiring yet, do I really look that old?' 'So then I was like, ‘bloody delta variants, coming over here, with their improved spike proteins, making us apply the most lax possible COVID guidelines. But then again they were only here because of the bloody alpha variants, coming over here, from Kent, stopping us from seeing our beloved inlaws at Christmas. However I suppose they were brought about by the bloody original COVID-19 virus, coming over here with their impressive transmission capabilities and mild to severe symptoms. But then...oh bugger, there haven't been enough variants to make this go on long enough to be funny again.’ Daniel Bennett
Tier Scooter Crashed by Ted Kennedy at Chappaquiddick Ted Kennedy, the US senator, has been accused of ﬂeeing the scene of where he crashed a tier scooter on Chappaquiddick island. Fortunately, due to the open air nature of electric scooters, it was much easier for Ted Kennedy and any passengers he left behind to escape drowning. Because Chappaquiddick is not a York river, the incident will not count towards the ﬁgures for scooters dumped in the river. Chris ‘Yes I had to look up how to spell Chappaquiddick’ Small
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News & Politics
Is Nouse still in print or did we win
Men I Can Fix
Alternatives To Becoming The Joker
I believe I can ﬁx all of the following men. Arthur Fleck: Behind the makeup and concerning behaviour, I see a diamond in the rough here. I’d start by helping Arthur channel his energies into his standup routine; it’s an act ripe for development and ComedySoc are just the group to nurture him. Soon enough he’ll be on committee and a very well-adjusted member of society. Just don’t invite him onto YSTV. Tom Harwood: I just need to ﬁnd the key to this man and then he’s sorted.
Doesn’t it feel like everyone is claiming to become The Joker these days? If you still want to have a highly-characterised breakdown whilst still being original about it, here are some alternatives. Megamind - Instead of letting all your chaotic energy out, let it go to your head and keep it there instead! By becoming Megamind everyone will still see how clever you are, and you can do all of it without spending a penny on face paint (breathplay kink may be required for this step).
Prince Philip: Philip is a bit of a ﬁxer-upper but nothing too big to handle. First, we’re jumpstarting that heart and reanimating those arms. Soon he’ll be ﬁring on all cylinders like a Land Rover and headed head ﬁrst through the windshield of success.
Harley Quinn - Finally! A Joker alternative for females! This is such a win for girlbosses everywhere, an intelligent medical queen driven mentally broken by her Jokerﬁed boyfriend! I’m so glad this character has become one of the biggest characters of this generation of ﬁlm!
*******: I can ﬁx the Seven Asterisk Man. His is a name that’s said in hushed whispers and bylines. All he needs is his memory kept alive in these hallowed pages of TLP. The more you mention him, the stronger he grows. I can’t ﬁx him alone, but together, post by post, we will enshrine his legacy give him a ﬁne litter of TLP children.
Mr Bean - Mr Bean has deﬁnitely suffered gravely traumatic events in his past. Mr Bean has deﬁnitely inﬂicted equally horriﬁc atrocities in revenge. But that was in the past, and now Mr Bean walks through all the chaos he has caused with a calm neutral look. You don’t need to waste energy to be unaffected by society, just exist with a British expression on your face!
Myself: This may be the toughest of them all. Several hundred TLP articles deep and a hole for a brain, I’m going to need to put in some long hours. However, I’m on the right path. Fixer is about to turn ﬁxee and that requires a long course of therapy. Will Rowan
James Corden - How do you deal with a society full of people who hate you? Simply refuse to acknowledge the hate! You can hip-thrust and belittle your way through life just by pretending everyone loves it, and before long you will have a Youtube algorithm dedicated to serving you! The Riddler - Green-themed clothing? Tick. Batman’s nemesis? Tick. Shows off how intelligent he is on a regular basis? Tick. But if you’re not funny enough to make jokes, become The Riddler so you only have to use somewhat-confusing statements to trick your enemies. Mr Tumble - A Joker for kids, all it takes is one bad day of Roblox server outages to break even the most noble 5 year old. Fun fact, Mr Tumble never actually signs what he’s saying, he’s always just signing out extracts from Inﬁnite Jest!
You know who.
Mark Hamill’s ‘Joker’ - Right, we need to have a word. All of you ‘normal’ people have been throwing the term ‘Joker’ around when referring to Joaquin Phoenix’s ‘Joker’ from the ﬁlm ‘Joker’. But that has never been who The Joker is at all, he’s not some antiheroic product of society, he’s a batshit-mad charismatic psychopath who hangs around with people like Condiment King and Kiteman. He would never be broken by society, it’s a fucking cartoon, stop trying to drag this entire character into it just because you struggle to pronounce ‘Jockqueen Feenicks’s Joker’ correctly. I’m mad. I’m laughing, I'm (continued for 10 pages). Daniel Bennett
You can probably write better than this
Editors have a footer fetish
Help! We Showed Sigmund Freud The Internet and Now He's Banned From r/Freud This is quite an embarrassing story for us really. We got together and brought Sigmund Freud back to life (please don't ask, it's a surprisingly boring story) just to see what his reaction would be to the internet. We know, it's immature to dabble in necromancy, but we thought that we could get some funny reactions to him seeing all the Stepmom jokes and daddy memes. Instead, Sigmund managed to immediately ﬁnd r/Freud and within an hour his account was banned from the subreddit. It all happened so suddenly, at ﬁrst he was just insisting on using the phrase 'Fehlleistungen' in every reply, and by the time we checked on him again he was using several slurs in an argument with user 'darealfreud'. We tried to explain to the mod team that it was a different time back then, but they kept the ban up. Now he's spent the past few hours just scrolling through pages of Google search results for 'mothers', somebody help us undo the ban please, soon he's going to discover something he shouldn't see and - wait hang on is that a 4chan page SIGMUND NO! Daniel Bennett
New Hazard Perception Test 'Gamerfied' The gamiﬁcation of the driving theory test has now been truly Gamerﬁed™ with the latest DVSA approved update. Videos have been updated to include the modern-day hazards of ‘Gamer moments’, ‘Battle Galleon super soakers’, and ‘pog day cancellations’. It’s a twist on the old formula that’s aimed at preparing young drivers for the road dangers of the future. A makeup-heavy James May is emphatic, ‘Too late to spot a heated gamer moment? You may never get the chance again. It's a cutthroat world out there. It’s these split second decisions that separate the wet from the dry, the joke from the joker, the pass from the fail. That’s why you must buy my app.’ The following screenshots are an exclusive look of what’s in store for the next generation of drivers. Stay safe. Will Rowan Pictured: Man Passes Test With Flying, Water‐Based Colors, Nobody Is Overtaking This Modern‐ Day Senna! Especially Not Those Children, They Can't Even Drive Yet!
Why not give it a go and send it over to us?
Phone Glitch Autocorrects 'Pan' to 'Ping' Apple and Google today released a joint statement conﬁrming the discovery of a new bug autocorrecting the word 'Pan' to 'Ping'. The glitch, tragically affecting the phones of Twitter journalists at a disproportionate rate, was ﬁrst discovered by amateur chef Burt Huckler. 'I was texting my wife that I was about to put some sausages in the pan,' said a distressed Burt, 'then I get a thousand replies from her asking "who the hell is Ping, why are you putting meat in them?". Our argument made me bring up my pansexuality, which now you can imagine just made things worse.' Importantly, both companies are reporting that the glitch does not affect 'pan' if the letters are part of another word, so unfortunately we still have no fucking clue why so many people are blaming the current crisis on an app. Daniel Bennett Pictured: 'Young' Driver Takes Time Out To Study At The Bill Coles School Of Charm (With Bill Coles) ‐ If You Ever Get Caught Speeding, Don't Go Paying, Get Charming!
Science & Technology
Ummmm... My headers are up here
Bourne: In The Wrong Generation Announced In great news for all twenty 'Jason Bourne' fans, the sixth ﬁlm of the blockbuster franchise has been announced with a twist. The Hulu-exclusive sequel to a movie you thought about twice in 4 years will see our hero sent to the year 2021, where everything has changed and he must ﬁght to reclaim his country from the soft snowﬂakes who have inﬁltrated it. The ﬁlm features Bourne shaking his head and tutting disapprovingly at teenagers attending therapy sessions, before an epic scene of him drinking copious amounts of whisky in a bar to cope with the difﬁculties of the job. This precedes a dramatic nightclub scene where Bourne shoots a DJ and the entire danceﬂoor up in order to stop the current chart hits being played, replacing the disks with his own Vinyl record of ‘Queen II’. There is also epic shakycam footage of Bourne using lethal force to defend the Winston Churchill statue from a horde of protesters and, as per tradition for the gritty realistic franchise, the ﬁlm follows it up with a realistic portrayal of the consequences (a 30-second montage of Bourne completing paperwork). The ﬁnal battle is him confronting the dastardly stock-Google-photo-of-a-blue-hairedfeminist, cooly growling ‘I was Bourne in the wrong generation’ before loudly shooting his load over the ﬁlm's love interest. This defeats the feminist, because as we all know feminists are allergic to the sight of hertosexual ejaculate. Daniel Bennett
Ministry of Sound Introduce Concerning New Redesign Will Rowan
Tarantino Contracts Foot in Mouth Disease
Tarantino has revealed he contracted foot and mouth disease on the set of his ﬁnal ﬁlm. There’s been some surprise that Tarantino, who has been ‘barely legal’ for 40 years, would have a common childhood illness. To alleviate the swelling, Tarantino has had to go sock-less throughout ﬁlming. He’s conﬁdent that this has merely elevated his cameo performance as a racist foot fetishist, but will leave it for the fans to decide. A doctor spoke to The Lemon Press on the condition of their anonymity in breaking Tarantino’s anonymity, ‘It’s a classic case here. He went in too deep with the feet and that threw his whole vibe off balance with unfortunate results. Dr Laurie? No I don’t have your badge… same name… yeah… fun coincidence.’ Will Rowan
Breaking Nouse: Disaster Has Been Released Based On Hit 1997 Film 'Titanic'
Is this magazine art?
Bootlicking is fine if it's authentic, ethically sourced, Italian leather
The Himbo's Journey The story structure of ‘The Hero’s Journey’ has been a staple of any storytelling media, from ‘Star Wars’ and ‘Shrek’ to ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘The Hobbit’. But all of those are stories for nerds, where is the stereotypical ﬁction formula for dudes who fuck? Fret no more, for this is The Himbo's Journey. Call to Adventure - Our himbo is awoken to a glowing vibrating phone, with a simple text of ‘u up ?x’ lying across it. Of course, our naive himbo was in bed by 11pm and put his phone away to reduce his blue light exposure, but the thought of some poor female needing his help and platonic support wakes him from his slumber. Refusal of the Call - Through a rapid-ﬁre deployment of nudes, our himbo learns this call for help is instead a call for mutual head! While intrigued by the proposal, the complexity and highstakes of the mission intimidates him. In a half-awake state of anxiety, our himbo rejects the call. Meeting the Mentor - Lost and without a sense of direction, our disheartened Himbo eventually has a chance encounter with a mysterious MILF. With a trustworthy amount of milkiness, the MILF takes him under her wing and shows him the ways in which one must pleasure a woman.
The Supreme Ordeal - After a life-changing journey of becoming a man, our himbo manages to last 10 minutes, which is still twice as long as either of them thought he would. Nice. Reward - Our story ends with our himbo in the afterglow of a battle hard thought, concluding as the bimbo turns to our conquering hero and saying ‘I genuinely didn’t hate all of that experience’. No reward has ever been sweeter. Daniel Bennett
EXCLUSIVE: Another Round Remake Poster Revealed The Lemon Press is proud to reveal an exclusive look at the US remake of Another Round. Another Pound will be the exact same ﬁlm as the 2020 hit but released in 2022, called Another Pound, and allow US audiences to discover fewer actors, see less of the world, and wait a year to pay for a likely inferior product.
Crossing the Threshold Armed with conﬁdence, a bagful of clit tricks and a bicep pump, our Himbo leaves his cave in search of bimbos to pleasure. Sure he is nervous about leaving behind his regular sleeping schedule and the safe ideas of women he could get with in his head, but with that ﬁrst step out of his conﬁdence zone he can only move forwards. Trials, Allies & Enemies - The main section of the story, where our Himbo goes through a series of women in a bid to improve himself. Along the way he makes allies through his gentlemanly treatment of bimbos and their mothers, but ﬁnds dangerous enemies in the form of their boyfriends. Whether they are extremely buff, have scary mates, or ‘know computers’, our himbo overcomes the threat of each boyfriend and becomes a stronger himbo along the way. Approach to the Innermost Cave - With every bimbo in an Uber-able distance pleasured, our himbo receives the exact same ‘u up x’ text from the same girl at the start of the journey. Now a changed man, he summons up the courage to reply, and within minutes the ultimate meeting of the ‘imbos is on.
Sure glad nothing topical happened in the past few weeks!
Could YOU Stop Bing The Rabbit Violating The Geneva Convention? I hate Bing the Rabbit. I fucking hate him. I hate him more than anyone has hated any being that has ever lived, real or ﬁctional. I cannot describe the reasons for this hate any more effectively than just showing you full episodes of the show through gritted, bleeding teeth. This gormless, guiltless little cunt was designed by a CBeebies exec to activate a psychopathic sleeper cell in my brain, and now he is YOUR problem! You have to look after Bing for a week, and you have been set the bare minimum standard; stop him violating any of the Geneva Conventions. Should be easy, yeah? 1 It is a lovely sunny day, the birds are happily singing away, everyone is having fun, and Bing the Rabbit had to fucking ruin it all by spilling Agent Orange over the local crops. He didn’t mean it of course, the bug-eyed shithead just happened to stumble into Flop’s ‘Special No No Room’ and accidently found the funny color spray, and he just had to run around the town chanting ‘vroom vroom I’m an airteyplane ﬂyer wheee!'. He honestly thinks the horriﬁed screams of people were them playing along, and now he is running towards a crop ﬁeld with a huge grin on his face. Only you stand between Bing and miles of doomed corn, how do you stop him? A - I would get my gun but, knowing that bullets didn’t work on Bing last time, I would shoot and sacriﬁce one of the nearby pigeons for the greater good. Bing would feel sad about the pigeon, and I would simply tell Bing ‘you did this Bing, it is all your fault, this is what you do to people who love you.’ Ideally this would upset him enough that he doesn’t want to play anymore. B - The only way to ﬁght Vietnam tactics is to bring your own, better, Vietnam tactics to the table. A full-on guerilla campaign has to be launched on this inhuman terror; I’m talking booby traps, I’m talking camouﬂage, I’m talking everything I can remember from seeing Rambo once a few years ago. I will carry out a one-man Tet Offensive in this cornﬁeld if I have to, that rabbit has to be stopped. C - The farm has a massive corn costume in the shed, so I would dress up as one and, when the Agent Orange hits me, I would drop to the ﬂoor and scream in neverending pain to show what the chemical does. Hopefully, Bing’s laughter would distract him long enough for me to get the can off him. 2 What is Flop meant to be, exactly? An orange anomaly who shares more genetic material with a sock than a rabbit, seemingly part of a race of blobs just designed to serve their overgrown toddler overlords. Anyway, we have done some digging and it turns out Flop is technically Bing’s prisoner of war, so when Flop gets ill with a cold the Geneva Convention requires Bing to provide aid to his sick POW. Bing, being a vacuous little shit, does not want to do this and would rather the long-suffering ﬂoppy enigma make him some juice or clean up the pee that he occasionally just forgets how to do normally. How do you persuade Bing to give Flop some medicine? A - I would give Bing a full open bottle of medicine and wait for him to drop it everywhere in some spectacular Bing-sized fuckup, then pray some of the spillage ended up in Flop’s mouth or presumably-absorbent skin. B - I would tell Bing that he needs to have the medicine instead, sending the entitled little pharmacophobe into yet another tantrum where he doesn’t want to have it, resulting in him force-feeding Flop the bottle so there is none left for him. Sure Flop may overdose and die, but that’s just war baby! C - Nothing, let Flop die. Weird little sock man. 3 Somehow, Bing has found some uranium. We don’t know where he found it, or what a nuclear power site is doing near an unnamed town that has at most 20 residents, but of course that insufferable little despot has started playing with it. The fucking moron thought it was a worm at ﬁrst and tried to make it do ‘The Wormy Worm Song’, but now he is running around, chasing Pando the Panda and chanting ‘I am the Bubbly Skin Man!’. In an unsurprising turn of events Bing is completely unaffected by the radioactive Uranium however Pando has stopped laughing and is now bleeding from the eyes (much to Bing’s amusement). Now Bing is asking you to ‘make the green stick go boom boom’, again violating old Genie Concon. How do you stop Bing from nuking the unnamed town he lives in? A - I would give Bing a detailed lesson in how nuclear power works, explaining environmental and ethical intricacies in using and disposing of waste products. This actual exposure to education will bore him, and he’ll go off to throw rocks at a cat or something. B - I would show Bing the horrors of war and the real human cost of using nuclear weaponry. This will either scare him out of using it or, much more likely, he will be too distracted Googling “funny heerosheema” in ﬁts of hysterics to actually incite nuclear conﬂict. C - I would tell Bing that the Uranium rod is a tasty treat, but I want to eat it. This would make Bing eat it instantly, the stupid cunt, removing the threat of nukes. It will probably turn him into some form of giant super-mutant, but at least he’ll ﬁnally be on that military watchlist I’ve been trying to get him on. (Results on next page) Daniel Bennett
You're nearly though this.
Leaving articles unedited, for authenticity
Last month the entire world witnessed the retreat, evacuation, and ultimate downfall of the West’s twentyyear presence in Afghanistan, a stark reminder of the challenges Keir Starmer faces rebuilding the Labour Party after the calamitous non-leadership of Jeremy Corbyn. The adults may have been hastily evacuated from the room that was Kabul, however we can take lessons from this on how a party that has been out of power for over a decade can surge back and return to their former glory.
Record-breaking legendary footballer and lawsuit subject Cristiano Ronaldo recently made his long-awaited return to a packed-out sunny Old Traﬀord.
The striker, who has been accused of confessing to an atrocious act, scored two spectacular goals past the Toon Army to win the match as well as the hearts of the roaring Firstly, we must look at how The Taliban have seized and deployed US Army weapons and vehicles. Amassing crowd. Even at 37, Ronaldo is proving a haul of nearly 500,000 guns and 50,000 of America’s ﬁnest tanks, helicopters and those chunky minibus to be a role model to millions of things that we assume are bomb-proof but really just look cool, they have turned the tools of their own children around the globe, all thanks destruction into destructive tools of thir own. Labour can accomplish the same thing, by turning the to how he takes care of himself oﬀ Conservative's slandering leaﬂets and into paper aeroplanes to throw across the Commons, as well as bigger the ﬁeld. pamphlet ones to throw at whip-breaking backbenchers on their own side of the Commons. We must also explore the Taliban’s modernising use of propaganda. The main enemy of this resurgent group was not the Western military complex but rather the perception outsiders have of this group being one of barbarism and stuck in a time that no longer exists in the modern world, just like sections of the current Labour Party. Sure, these perceptions are true, but by simply telling people you have moved on from those times more and more people will start to believe you. Before long the outside world will have moved on to the next crisis, allowing both Taliban and Labour groups to get back to having weird opinions about the role of the family in modern life. Finally, the recent rise of the Taliban serves as a necessary lesson about dealing with enemies who would typically be on your side. Now, it would be wrong of me to directly compare Momentum to ISIS-K, however With the legal case against Ronaldo you are free to make your own comparisons between bearded leaders who refuse to take care of their appearances and spend more time around gardening products than Guardian journalists. What I am saying is ongoing, The Guardian acknowledges that Keir cannot build bridges with groups who outsiders would assume were on the same side, he must hunt that it is an individual's decision to decide how much they are willing to support and purge these members to make sure they can never take up arms against him. Because if these two him. So if you do not feel comfortable groups were to put their diﬀerences behind them, they could change their country forever, and that could looking at a picture of the match-winning well put hard-working journalists like me out of a job! My new book, 'Red Missed: How We Can Fix 21st Century Politics' is out October 1st sensation then simply do not turn your page around.
Mostly A - Well done, you prevented Bing from violating any Geneva Convention. He’s 3. An actual toddler. He doesn’t even have thumbs. Do you think that’s some kind of achievement? Mostly B - You limited Bing to only being able to violate 1 or 2 Geneva Conventions, which is impressive, we honestly thought he would do more. Mostly C - Bing is now the world’s most wanted war criminal, Kony is said to lie awake at night in fear of that rabbit, but at least you got #Bing2021 trending.
Keep going! We believe in you!
Yeah I'm like a published journalist or whatever. It's no big deal
Mother Hubbard's Cupboard
Namaste, lemon child, I hope you’re feeling close to the lemon spirit as we begin Libra season after our long summer solstice festival of ﬁeld dancing, nature bathing, and group sex. Please, help yourself to some herbal tea to help open your third eye.
Let us all hold hands, I gathered you here to share with you a vision that came to me last night as I slept. I heard the lemon spirit’s zesty voice speak to me, “You must ﬁnd a virgin, bathe them in lemons, and bring them to the woods to be sacriﬁced.” I dutifully did so, and as we arrived with the bathed virgin to the sacriﬁcial rock amongst the trees, the voice of the spirit spoke again, this time to all of us, “Hole!” he decreed. The ground around our sacriﬁce opened into a bottomless pit. We stood around the hole, holding hands as we are now, as our virgin sacriﬁce ﬂoated impossibly above the pit, unharmed. “Hole! Hole! Hole! Hole!” we chanted, and, still holding hands, simultaneously jumped in. I believe that the hole represents our future and that the spirit was trying to tell us how important it is that we are all loyal as lemon children and enter this future together under the protection of the spirit, no matter what friends, family, or psychiatrists may say. The virgin sacriﬁce, our key to this future, I think symbolises the new children we must adopt into our circle and hearts by spreading the love of the spirit to ﬁll the hole. Before you close your third eye, one last bit of admin: this afternoon’s orgy has been moved inside because of the weather.
Patrick O'Donnell The Case For Installing A OneTerm Limit For Presidents
Letting anyone serve as YUSU President for longer than one year is an absolutely insane rule, it is quite simply too much power for one individual to have. I was going to refuse to run for a second term out of principle, but the amount of likes I get on my Facebook posts was too much to turn down, how could I resist so many virtual head pats? I just want people to tell me I am a good boy and that I am doing the right thing, yes I am, I’m a big strong boy who is making a lot of meaningful changes to the university! I get a treat for every tent I put up, so much unwarranted praise would corrupt anyone over time, I have already spilled oil into the campus lake just so people would call me a king for rescuing one goose, someone has to stop me! Next Issue: Why Marcus Rashford Has To Take Responsibility For The Campus' Waterfowel Faeces Problem
If you're still here, you're tough enough to be a section editor.
Hitman: Alpaca Nights. Coming soon to PS5.
Index of References Kevin - Our social media intern, responsible in the eyes of the law for all the bad posts we do online.
I’m starting in September and I’m anxious about meeting my new ﬂatmates. What if they don’t like me?
SAAB - A few years ago the Sabbatical Ofﬁcers of York signed a sponsorship deal with Saab Automobiles (due to ‘Saab’ being a clever and understandable shortening of ‘Sabbatical Ofﬁcer’).
Standing face to face with a brand new person can be daunting. It might be easier to introduce yourself with a wall between you. Try cutting a hole in your bedroom wall and putting your hand through to offer a strong handshake to your neighbour. You could also have a peek through to check their decor for any clues at their interests and try and change yourself into someone you think they’d like. For example, if you see they’ve got a trainspotting poster, invite them round for a spot of heroin. If all else fails and you just don’t get on with your ﬂat, a great place to expand your social horizons is in Derwent Toilets Cubicle 3™.
Send Nudes - The worst public scandal to hit York student media, and the eighth worst private scandal to hit York media, but now there is a generation of students completely unaware of York Vision’s infamous backpage asking students to send them nudes (this isn’t a bit, this genuinely happened). While the scandal fades further from the collective memories, its consequences are still evident: the student media cliques that existed before still exist post-graduation, the publications that existed before still exist but with the added ability to mention ‘how far they’ve come’ at every awards ceremony, and the student union waits on tenterhooks for the next crisis.
I keep seeing this girl that lives in my building and she’s really cute. How can I start a conversation and ask her out?
Sounding - Sounding is the act of [absolutely not- Eds].
If your building has a lift, this enclosed space where she can’t escape is a great place to strike. Try just making small talk, maybe comment on the state of your accommodation, to kick things off. If that goes well, try following her to her lectures (at a safe distance). If you’re lucky, she might notice your playful tailing and come knock on your door. This is a great opportunity to ask her to share in an interest of yours, such as inviting her to see you do stand-up. Next, call on her in a time of need to really cement your bond. Once you feel like you know her well enough, acquire a gun and break into her room to surprise her. If you follow these steps exactly, there's a 100% chance of success. Please help, everytime I go into a lecture theatre I immediately shit myself. What do I do now that things are back in person? It can be difﬁcult to go against the grain, especially at the start of a new academic year. We all want to ﬁt in with our peers, but you shouldn’t need to change who you are. Listen to your gut, and embrace the real you. When you turn up to your ﬁrst lecture, conﬁdently drop those trousers and pop a squat right at the front. I’m sure your fellow students will be moved and impressed by your bold gesture. I wouldn’t be surprised if some even opened their hearts and holes to join you in this completely normal and natural human experience. At the very least, it's easier to clean up the ﬂoor than pants. Do you have an urgent problem you need help with? Idk, ask your Dad or something, but if it can wait several months email it to email@example.com and it will be solved in the next issue!
Holes - Jokes about glory holes are more a way of thinking than actual attempts at humour. To the untrained brain the repeated jokes about holes that you can/should/shouldn’t fuck can appear like lazy crass humour. But the more you read hole content, the more your brain is shaped to ﬁnd laughter in the holes, and before long you will be laughing at any mention of a hole! So basically, if you’re not ﬁnding the mass of hole content funny, you’re quite simply not reading enough of it! The Bucketing Incident - Even in 2021 we cannot say a lot about The Bucketing incident. It is best summed up as ‘what happens in the bucket stays in the bucket, but what’s in the bucket must come out the bucket’. The society that disbanded soon after Bucketing night is fortunately still dead, but we try to keep them alive with our jokes. Quarthog - In the heyday of The Lemon Press (dates TBC) there were four writers who transformed the magazine with jokes, whitty insight and nuanced critique of the latest stories. They became so successful that they formed a more popular spin-off magazine ‘The Hog’. Being too good for this earth three of them were killed off by various means, so now only a quarter of the Hog remains. Martin Petcher - Every few weeks, a little gift is left on the steps of Lemon Press Ofﬁces, normally an earthy-smelling package of papers in an old shoe box. We ﬁrst thought someone was trying to send us a message, but turns out it was worse; they were trying to send us satire. Although too shy to ever reveal their true identity, their writing is moist enough to ﬁll any hole the magazine may have.
More details on how to join us will be out soon!
The home secretary, Priti Patel, announced today plans to criminalise glory holes. Speaking at New Scotland Yard, Patel said that the government would be 'tough on holes and tough on the causes of holes'. Popular pro glory hole activist, Rill Wowan, hit back at the home secretary, arguing that 'glory holes are a vital part of our cultural heritage and provide millions around the country with the opportunity for harmless fun'. It is thought that up to forty Conservative MPs are planning to rebel against the government's plans. A Coward Who Won’t Put Name To Hole Content
Tories Announce Plan To Criminalise Gloryholes
Constructed by Beth Hubbard
Enjoying yourself? Hey, why is that person over there looking at you funny? Did you see them? Huh, I'm sure it was nothing, I'm sure they don't know what you're looking at right now!
Will 'Mercifully Re‐Editing' Rowan
You don't need to read this header. It's just here to fill a hole
So here's the deal - our writing community has been in a bitter civil war over whether people want hole content in their magazine, so we are letting YOU decide! If you want to see this distrubing decline into hole content, turn your magazine to read it, then we (and everyone around you right now) will know you are reading hole content!
We never used to have any sports writers
The Lemon Press Headers: 69% less likely to give you dementia then the sporting ones
Dom Sibley to Open High Street Retail Chain So far staff have faced 120 customers but haven’t successfully scored any sales, and oh no it’s out (of business). Economists are concerned this will lead to a quick collapse of the rest of England’s batting order/other high street retail chains. Next week: Dom Sibley opens a bank (don’t worry it won’t get a run on it). [This article is a bit small, much like Dom Sibley batting average -Eds]. [Sorry if this article seems a bit mean to Dom Sibley, he’s just an easy target in an England cricket team which is very easy to be mean to -Eds again]. Chris Small
CONFIRMED: Jousting Is Just Misunderstood Sounding With a Massive Rod Panic in jousting land as the age-old sport has been revealed to be one of the earliest examples of sounding. The sport has since evolved into a game of knocking each other off their horses with their jousting rod, a far cry from the tradition of getting each other off with a sounding rod. A traditionalist faction is organising to return the game to its roots. Read our exclusive preview of this new Roses event in our next issue. Roses are looking redder by the day.
as nobody ever makes it this far in.
Some Drivers Relieved as Belgian GP Cancelled F1 drivers who were due to start near Valtteri Bottas have all felt a strong sense of relief when the Belgian GP was cancelled due to bad weather. The wet and rainy conditions, and turn one being a sharp corner, were considered to be the perfect conditions for another ‘Valtteri Bottas kill streak’. The Finnish racing driver clearly has become somewhat jokerﬁed upon losing his Mercedes seat to George Russell, and other drivers remain concerned that Valtteri’s ‘carbon ﬁbre lust’ was not sated by the lap one incident at Hungary this year. For now the grid’s cars survive to be crashed into another day. Chris Small
One Sentence PL predictions Our Sports Editor, Alex Towells, has a go at predicting how the Premier League will go. If he's right, he fully expects everyone reading to worship him as the Overlord Of Football. No, seriously. (If any of these are right he's ﬁred as our sport's editor for actually knowing about sport -Eds) 1st – Man City: They’re just too good. 2nd – Chelsea: Very very good, but not *too* good. 3rd – Liverpool: Very good, but not very *very* good. 4th – Man United: SIUUUUUUUUUUUUUU *kicks ball into stand* 5th – Leicester: Three things are certain in life: death, taxes and Leicester City ﬁnishing 5th. 6th – Leeds: Look up “Bielsa Rhapsody”. You won’t regret it. 7th – Spurs: On the assumption Spurs are Wolves now. 8th – West Ham: All aboard the Moyes-Mobile! 9th – Wolves: Adama Traore runs down the wing, and off of the pitch, and into the stand. 10th – Villa: They’ve got a Grealish-shaped hole (wink) in their side, but otherwise they’re pretty solid. 11th – Brighton: I like Brighton, if you don’t, fuck you. 12th – Everton: Old team gets older and therefore worse. 13th – Palace: I have absolutely no idea how Palace will do this season and if you think you do I think you’re lying. 14th – Brentford: I like Brentford, you like Brentford, we all like Brentford. 15th – Newcastle: They won’t play well, at all, but they’ll still somehow be ﬁne. 16th – Southampton: I had you in 18th until Armstrong signed. 17th – Burnley: What if last season’s Palace but they never tried to replace anyone? 18th – Norwich: Are kinda shit. 19th – Watford: I literally have zero faith in you to be better than the last time you were here. 20th - Arsenal: They’re shit. Alex Towells
Aries: I’m seeing there’s a hole in your life that needs ﬁlling. Fill it, ﬁll it now. Taurus: Wherever you go, you carry a hole with you. The hole is me, Gemma, please take me back, I’ll do whatever it takes. Gemini: You’re a gem in the rough who just needs time to shine. Dig yourself out of that hole, turn yourself from a Gemini into a Gem-n-I, please Gemma if you’re still reading call me back. Cancer: I’m begging you to see your doctor right now. Treatment options have improved but this is serious.
Leo: Stop digging! Cease digging! This hole is only getting deeper and you’re nearly already submerged. Virgo: Keep body and hole together by joining TLP’s weekly Yoga class every Thursday at 19:00 in D Bar, pelvic ﬂoor exercises are mandatory. Libra: You just wanted to check out some books and now you’re sleeping with the Bigfoot librarian again. There are other holes in the sea, ﬁnd one, quick. Scorpio: Help I misread the star sign and now there's a scorpion in my hole! Ah it's
got me - no wait, I was wrong. Your advice this month is to always take the beads out. Sagittarius: If you give Laura Croft a leg up, then she can circle back and open the secret hole to get into the inner sanctum. Quick now before the guards come! Capricorn: The sign that happens when a unicorn gets stuck in a Capri sun straw hole. What's that silly goose doing in a straw? Probably trying to fuck it. The hole on this page was not big enough to fit Aquarius and Pisces.
Dear Readers Urgent Missing Item request: 1 small key If found please urgently get in touch with: T. Harwood, Guido Towers
Dear Sirs, It would be nice if people considered my feelings when referring to becoming 'Jokerﬁed'. Says a lot about society. Kind Regards The Joker Dear Editors
Why are you still here? If you stop reading this depraved content, we will not have to read it or put it into an ancient broken editing software or look YUSU employees in the eye and ask them to approve content about ﬂeshlights or holes. What is wrong with you? Should we book you some kind of help? An intervention perhaps? The most unkind regards possible Dan and Chris. Dear Sirs,
Long time listener, ﬁrst time letter writer. I’ve been in a coma since February 2018. What has happened to your hit radio show ‘Misinfo Wars’ and its hard hitting journalism?
It has now come to my attention that this print deadline is much earlier than usual so please expect a 2,000 word think piece on the Saab’s favourite stock cube ﬂavour in two weeks time.
Kind Regards M. I Xcloud
Letters, Poems & Horoscopes
Briary Tubbins, Spent all his work time rubbin’ A long time cummin’ Brintle Tintle
HAIKUS Garﬁeld hates Mondays But you will hate Mondays more If you frequent Revs John Lectures are not real They're just 3D projections You don't have to go Daniel Bennett
Murder is legal If it's done on a campus [Legally false - Ed] Anon. Lemon Press Editor We need more STEM guys Humanities folk can't count Unlike me, an intellectual A STEM Guy
Hole in the wall. Why Are they called ‘glory holes’? They’re not that glorious James Rhodes I'm a journalist No no, I promise, I am At the Mail Online Alex Howarth Join society They all said at freshers’ fair No, I live in one Will Rowan
Yum yum, that's all the content done!
I know you're reading this.
The Old York Times Daily Crossword
ACROSS: 1. A circular window used on the hull of ships to admit light and air (8) 5. A gap or inconsistency in a storyline that goes against the ﬂow of logic established (4,4) 7. A depression or hole in the ground caused by some form of collapse of the surface layer (3,4) 8. Often used as an access point for an underground public utility (7) 9. A small ball-shaped pastry (5,4) 11. Type of surgery a.k.a. laparascopy (7) 12. Speculative structure linking disparate points in spacetime (8) 13. Home found in The Shire (6,4) 15. The ___ : prison slang for solitary conﬁnement (4) 17. Small pit used for cover, usually for one or two personnel, and so constructed that the occupants can effectively ﬁre from it (3,4) 19. S region in space time where gravity is so strong that nothing can escape from it (5,4) 20. A.k.a. meurtrière (6,4)
Now go away.
DOWN: 2. A.k.a Ace (4,2,3) 3. 2003 ﬁlm starring Shia LaBeouf (5) 4. A simple type of camera without a lens but with a tiny aperture (7) 6. American alt. rock band fronted by Courtney Love (4) 10. Traditional English dish consisting of sausages in Yorkshire pudding batter (4,2,3,4) 14. Often between public lavatory cubicles or adult video arcade booths and lounges, for people to engage in sexual activity (5,4) 16. Depression in a road surface where trafﬁc has removed broken pieces of the pavement (3,4) 18. Slang for how it feels when you take a high dose of ketamine (1,4) Beth Hubbard Time to Complete: Under 5 Minutes - Wow, you ﬁnish fast when holes are around! 5 to 10 Minutes - A respectable time to ﬁnish, we've been told so by nice people who know we tried our best. 10+ Minutes - You're too pure, leave now before we ruin you.
Issue 49 of Heslington's most awarded satirical publication. Edited by Chris Small and Daniel Bennett. September 2021.