Page 1


Oh god, not this shit again. At least stick with us until the horoscopes.

Editors' Introduction

Myles - When you walked through the school gates for the

last time, did you really think about what you were leaving behind? Good friends, easy days, no problems, a sense of security, the secret and unrequited love of at least one elderly teacher, probably. Say goodbye to all of that, you naĂŻve and delicately scented fresher. Yes, that's right I'm talking to YOU. One year ago I was much like you, with hope in my heart, fear in my belly, and such a wide array of hair products to maintain my fine barnet that even Solomon would blush. But now, I'm not the same man. I look the same, I sound the same, and I still spend 3 hours maintaining my coiffure, but something has changed. You see, university is about sacrifice, so prepare to sacrifice the following things: good meals; a responsible sleep cycle; academic integrity; morality; a lamb; your soul to the devil. But apart from all of that, you'll love it here, you delicious unfortunate. Now step into Central Hall, and listen intently to the mandatory fire briefing. Louis - 2016 has, to date, been eventful. Brexit happened, and so did Corbyn, even though people had said 'stop trying to make it happen' to both. We at The Lemon Press laugh at haters. People only hate if you're doing something better. Haters make us famous, baby. We're not haters, as in our noble goal to satirise, we merely critique. 'Hotline Bling' followed on from Drake's allegations of ghostwriter use, by bearing many similarities to D.R.A.M's 'Cha Cha'. Then 'One Dance' came out. Now look, it's fine that it's basically a flip of the best bits from Kyla and Paleface's 'Do You Mind', until you realise they are the bits everyone likes. Anyway, we've had a fantastic summer of satire, filling the void over at our fetching relaunched website. I even had some work experience... it was mostly just doing things for The Lemon Press. Yeah, I'm debating about whether I should put this on my CV. Anyway, us editors hope to meet the next wave of keen and budding satirists very soon. The children are the future.



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News & Politics

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Sci. and Tech.

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Poetry & Horoscopes

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The Lemon Press Staff

Editors: Louis Jani and Myles Dunnett

Deputy Editors: Henry Dyer and Gabriel Bramley Sub Editor: Taghreed Ayaz Print Editor: Gabriel Bramley Campus Editors: Taghreed Ayaz and Henry Dyer News and Politics Editors: Gabriel Bramley and Taghreed Ayaz Arts Editors: Henry Dyer and Greg Waddell Lifestyle Editor: Leusa Lloyd and Taghreed Ayaz Science and Technology Editors: Louis Lyle Features Editors: Alex Campbell Sports Editors: Jon Legrand and Louis Lyle Illustrators: Rosa Hansell and Pasky Miranda (Front Cover) Chair: Callum Sharp Deputy Chair: Tom Davies Treasurer: Alex Campbell Secretary: Gregory Waddell (Eternal) Special thanks to our contributors: Stephen Harper, Ben Walker, Morgan Barker-Thorne, and Dean Bennell Sell your soul at

Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations published in this satirical magazine.

That's right, turn me over baby.



Some call freshers' week the best week oftheir lives.

Greetings, prospective clients/people who will sue us. We are YouSue*, the University ofYork's newest premier+ litigators. Operating on a No Win (not No Win No Fee, just No Win), pro-bono basis, we're hoping to represent you in all sorts oflegal disputes for at least a year, before our clerks kick us all out. Ifyou have any issues, especially in our specialist disciplines, please do get in touch. Legal Queries: YouSue, First Floor Broom Cabinet, Above Browns, Heslington Tax Purposes: YouSue, Albright Building, Central Plaza, Luxembourg We'd love to become a part ofyour team, having all had a long history ofbeing the last kid to be picked for the teams at school. Please. Yours sincerely, Millie Beach & the rest ofthe team at YouSue * Not affiliated with the previous legal firm called YouSue, none ofwhose partners form part ofour firm, owing to their current incarceration, courtesy ofHer Majesty for a variety ofsexual and non-sexual offences. + Our lawyers (e.g., us) have advised us to point out that we are technically premier on account ofthere being no other such firms in the area.

Millie Beach, Senior Founding Partner, Tea Lady.

Meet the Team

Hi, I'm Millie, and I have at least six weeks oflegal experience at the very highest level, helping to arbitrate the famous case ofDrunk Guy vs Upset Woman, which was settled out ofCourtyard for a shag, having never gone into an actual court in the first place. I look forward to helping the community by arbitrating cases, and leading the firm to victory, just like the fastest horseman ofthe Light Infantry into the Russian guns. I have the final say on issues within the firm. Final, you hear me. Final!

Isaac Beevor, Senior Partner, Dustman. Hello, I'm Isaac, and I'm a senior partner who speacialises in issues relating to the sporting world. Fresh offrepresenting the Russian team at the International Paralympics Committee; where a whole nation was banned, because I accidentally slipped a few insults about the committee into my opening statement: things can only go up from here. So ifthere's some sort ofproblem you're having in sports, or you want a professional organiser, or you'd like to lobby the University for more facilities, I'm your man.

Alex Lusty, Senior Partner, Toilet Cleaner. Alex, rah, rah! Loads ofexperience, what what! No, so my dad got me into a legal firm in London to do some experience, so I know all about it. Got called to the bar — every bloody night, by all the LADS who wanted me there. I've got a real... lust for justice! Ha! Anyway, I'll be handling any issues you have to do with society, societies, activities, being active, err... Oh! Media. Yeah, loads of pesky media to represent or sue for libel. Like that ratified society and generally slanderous, libellous, troublesome group, The Lemon Press. I'd just like to make it clear that I have not, presently or in the past, had any links with them whatsoever. At all. Now that's out in the open — ifyou feel like you're not getting enough opportunities, talk to me. Someone has to.

Tamaki Laycock, Senior Partner, Biscuit Monitor. Hey. I'm Tamaki, and I cover academic matters, ensuring that my clients, even if they don't know they're my clients, are being represented on academic boards, have adequate provisions and treatment by the staffand ... I'm boring myselfto death here. Why did I take this brief? Anyway, I guess ifyou want some help with the main focus ofwhy you're at university, I'll handle that. Great.

Dom Smithies, Senior Partner, Chimney Sweep. Hi! Hi! Hello! I'm Dom 'Smoothies' Smithies! I'm so excited to be a senior partner (oh em gee) here - I only came into the office to buy some glitter — must have got lost — but now I'm going to be handling community contact and the wellbeing, probably ofour clients but the firm does seem pretty sad at the moment :( Ifyou feel like your mental health resources needs more funding, or you're wondering what happened to the body ofScott Dawson, talk to me! So, who wants a butterfly? 03


Seriously, you would save so much time by putting this down...

These are people who should be isolated for their own good.

University of York Freshers' Edition

Normal Fresher A: Cry like a baby when your mum leaves

B: Say something arse­achingly stupid in a seminar

C: Annoy a Yorkshireman with your ineptitude

D: Look like a tourist in The Shambles

Bit of a Bellend A: Make inane jokes about brutalism

B: Arrive to a seminar drunk and slur your words

Throw up up in in the the middle middle of of Revs Revs and and splash splash aa couple couple of of bystanders bystanders C: Throw

’ducks’ again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker say 'ducks' D: Say one more goddamn time

Total Spanner A: Create a vacuous campus controversy to attract attention

B: Piss off your entire flat with loud night­time noises

C: Fight with a bouncer about his position in society

D: Be named 'top lad'

Campus Fuckwit A: Kick the local wildlife

B: End up in a police station

C: Steal gifts from the Derwent gift shop

D: Set off a fire alarm whilst under the influence of tequila

Sillionaire A: Read York Vision

B: Violently assault a horse

C: Choose not to join The Lemon Press


...and going to



Drinking is not enforced in York, but it is strongly recommended.

York Celebrity ‘Miffed’ His Nudes Haven't Ended Up on The Fappening

Artistic 'Collective' Prepare to Launch New Magazine

Local BNOC, named Aleksander Horny, for security purposes, is 'absolutely gutted' that no nude pictures of himself have been leaked online, to famous peat bog of the internet, The Fappening.

Just in time for the beginning of the academic year, yet another group of really cool people who 'just, you know, really enjoy art, and getting to love the aesthetic, dress in monochrome, and have a whole room full of tote bags', are launching their latest publication. Expected to last four to five weeks before collapsing, having not published a single thing, the society is even now in the very process of forming. Intending to fill a niche between... something, probably, it hopes to become the next hipster thing on campus.

Horny had been spending months rigorously sending pictures of his penis in a variety of locations and positions, desperate for more online fame, to stoke the ego now ballooned by having his face on a bus*.

The pictures, often captioned We spoke to one of the dreary-minded founders (he prefers ‘oh gee I hope you don't leak this, what a scandal that would 'think-sparks') over a couple of glasses of cheap white wine, cause’ and found nothing worth reporting. The magazine's name is expected to be some sort of artsy word with a few vowels ‘wow, sure would be unfortunate if the whole world saw missing. these’ or Henry Dyer ‘for fuck's sake, please show other people this picture, I even worked emojis and the aurora borealis into this one’ have remained secret, not being shared, or often even noticed, by the people they have been sent to. York's latest craze may well become checking your filtered messages, and beyond the fake profiles looking for your bank details, and the real profiles looking for your bank details, you may have been visited by Aleksander ‘Sends Strangers Dick Pics on Facebook Messenger’ Horny. *[Just before going to print we learnt First bus would actually charge £800 for this, now to see if the sabbatical officer's ego is greater than their desire for 'real' sports like octopush, ultimate frisbee or lacrosse to keep being funded - Eds.]

Stephen Harper Yet another leak...

Socialist Society to Launch Counter Event to YUSU's Campus Takeover The Socialist Society intends to run an event during freshers' week in order to present a counter-narrative to the YUSU events calendar. The Lemon Press can exclusively report that SocSoc's 'Campus Coup' will involve the hard-left unwashed masses of Corbynistas and Leninists attempting to seize power, literally and metaphorically, from the hands of YUSU. In an exclusive interview, a ringleader going by the name of Benedict Stroller, explained how 'YUSU is fundamentally a filthy capitalist institution that engages in: false elections that do not represent the will of the people, corrupt deals with clubs to grant exclusivity, and funds their own student media to sing their praises.' The group intends to takeover 'Campus Takeover' itself, rebranding the tagline for the bicycle and solar-powered stage and open air cinema from 'the faster you cycle the louder it gets' to 'the faster you cycle the quicker we can seize the means of production and bring about a glorious communist era'. Plans are already afoot to seize physical power by unplugging parts of the sound system and instead playing 'The Red Flag'. The Lemon Press can further reveal that a source within SocSoc said: 'Guillotines are being drawn up for the heads of the decrepit organisation that wants £31 for an event! £31!'



Henry Dyer

Ted Cruz is voting for Trump. We knew before you did...

Are Universities secretly sexist? I don’t know. It’s a secret.

Freshers’ Guide to Campus Media [Please do not spend too long contemplating the irony of this guide appearing in an edition of The Lemon Press -Eds.]

York Vision and Nouse: The oldest and finest sources of campus pigswill. Vision arguably has a more oafish and obnoxious

? ? ? ? ?

style, seemingly aping such upstanding publications as The Daily Mirror and The Sun. Nouse on the other hand carry a sense of superiority that would make Caligula think twice, and their polls are beyond definitive – why, some say that the crack team of pollsters at Nouse can completely miscalculate an election within 100% error margins. Vision, however, must win, simply for the quality of their editing, and the sheer wit of their titles, which often seem childlike, dare we say, incompetent, in their endlessly mockable simplicity.

The Tab: Conglomerate media is often a fine and trustworthy source of news and entertainment. In the case of The Tab, this is not true. However, if you like Buzzfeed, but aren’t smart enough to handle 14 facts all at once, then by all means, lose a few brain cells over on The Tab. While you’re there, please nominate my left testicle for ‘BNOC of The Year’.

URY: My my my, what do we have here? Anyone? Is there anyone there? I thought not. They have three listeners, all female, all in their 70’s, and all listen just for company. Wait, sorry, 2 listeners. One died.

YSTV: A bit of a misnomer really. We’re not sure what channel you can find them on, but my guess would be between Dave+7 and the late night shopping channels, or filed underneath ‘Other’ on Sky+.

Hardzine: … The Lemon Press: A fine and upstanding campus publication.

Top 3 YUSU Freshers' Events You Can and Should Miss! 1. Campus Takeover 2. Comedy Night 3. Viking Raid

Myles Dunnett

Henry Dyer

A Freshers' Guide to Things We Don’t Speak about at York:

1. Ducks/geese/wildfowl – Just don’t. Just let it be. 2. Bird shit – Mention it and an irate 3rd year Biology student will drown you in a test tube. 3. The architecture – It’s not Versailles. This, we can all see. And yes, it’s from the 1960’s. Yes, I’m sure it’s not quite what you were expecting from a Russell Group university. But if that’s all it takes to put you off York then you’re going to have a very underwhelming 3 years. Embrace brutalism, embrace life. It all looks the same in the sun chaps (please note: it doesn’t). 4. One for Southerners – Northerners. Don’t make jokes about them. You never know who you’re talking to. One day you may jokingly say 'ey ‘up cock' to a real one, and then you’ll really find out what pain means, in a very, very biblical sense of the word. 5. Lager – If pub walls could talk, they’d scream. They’d scream of first years from London, asking for a pint of Foster’s and turning to a fine pulp as the eyes of thirty big blokes condemn the poor fresher to the eternal inferno of hell. 6. Greg’s Place – It’s modern art writ overpriced, if you must know. 7. Hes East – It was an experiment gone bad. If you met someone who said they lived there in Kuda last night you will never see them again. And neither will their parents. Myles Dunnett

...Find out more about it on our Facebook page.



The editor made a spicy joke.

A Definitive List of Things Literally No One Will Be Tired of Hearing by the Fourth Minute of Freshers’ Week The North-South divide The college you are in The water is different in York, is it not? What course are you doing? Is It Different To JOHN ACROSS THE HALL? WOW THE ACCENT IN YORKSHIRE HAS A PRONUCNED ~T~ DPOESN'T IT TO FUCK? HVAVE YOU HAD SEX BEFORE UNIVESSRITYT I HAVE NOT? I HAVE A COORSO LIGHT HERE FOR YOU MY DAAD BOUGHT FO R ME. I LIKE TO DRINK DO YOU

Greg Waddell

Sabb Team Drug Up for the Year

A special report from roving reporter Kevin, who has been spending time embedded deep in the YUSU officers. Over the past three weeks, I've observed truck loads of ecstasy being delivered to the YUSU office, alongside the usual freshers’ paraphernalia of tote bags, unhelpful 'guides', and misleading maps. It became my core interest to find out why - and today, dear reader, I reveal the truth. I was invited by Millie, or 'Tsarina Beach', as she calls herself, to what was called on the timetable a 'Strategic Overview Discussion'.

Stephen Harper

University of York Falls Dramatically in QS World Uni Rankings We tried to write an article about this but it's too depressing. Bet you're all glad you came here now right? Check the headers for Koen Lamberts’ phone number - feel free to tell him how happy you are that he's increasing tuition fees while academic quality is dropping. Now fuck the lot of you. Eds.

The only overview I was presented with was a table full of ecstasy; columns of tablets of MDMA alongside piles of capsules of 'E'. The officers then divided it up into equal portions in the usual dreary and drab manner with which they had done all of the preparatory courses I had witnessed over the past couple of weeks. I tell you, dear reader, that the transformation was mystifying, but concerningly familiar - I had seen that expression, in the one they called 'Wall'. All of a sudden, these dismal souls of misery and derision were uplifted by the drugs: smiles and enthusiasm etched on their faces like a clown's face on a rather lumpy misshapen egg. The effect still lasts on their bright visages and in my mind's eye. I am informed by medical experts that this gruesome metamorphosis of unstoppable cheeriness and ardour may last 10 unbearable months. May God help us all, and save us from their reign of terrifying thirst for students to interact with the being they refer only to as 'the Union'. Henry Dyer



If you somehow make it through this edition

To see it you’ll need The Lemon Press gold membership, available on request.

The One Kind of Person You’re Guaranteed to Meet in Your College

Alcuin: Tarquin ‘The Rah’

It doesn’t matter if old Tarkers is from new money or old money, the only thing that matters is that he can passive-aggressively bring up how much his daddy owns. He finds a certain charm to these Northern types but is always sure to correct them when they say ‘baff’ not ‘barf’. He doesn’t go out much and prefers to drink Waitrose wine whilst listening to plainchant.

Constantine: Tim ‘The Something’

Tim is in the newest college and thusly, like his college, has no identity. I dunno, something about having the wrong beard?

Derwent: Tom ‘The Lad’

Straight outta York’s most active college, Tom is the definition of college culture. He wears the same Derwent T-shirt most days. Doesn’t matter if he did a top banter chunder sesh wearing it whilst round the corner from D-Bar, doesn’t matter if he wore it when he shagged the lass from the other side of the corridor and then immediately regretted it. Nothing worse than being caught without it during a Courtyard sesh with the bois.

Goodricke: Tanya ‘The Survivor’

It all seemed so good for Tanya after her open day. A great computer science course, nearly brand new accommodation to live in, a scenic new lake. Little did she know that Heslington East was a blasted nuclear wasteland, devoid of all life. You’ll find her, haggard and fatigued, on the 66 with a rucksack full of Morrisons shopping after a six hour quest to find groceries. If you stare into her eyes you’ll only see the howling winds of Hes East.

Halifax: Rach ‘The Partaaay’

The Halifax motto is ‘Bigger Is Better’ or something like that, and Rach won’t let anyone forget it. Should you ever meet her, you better be ready to hear how ceerraaazzzyyy the house party in Ingram Court was last night, but like obv you’d never understand because your college’s parties just aren’t as good. Like, it wasn’t as good as the one at Lindley Court, but like, oh, you weren’t invited to that party either? I guess you won’t understand then, Bigger is Better woooo!

James: James ‘The Decent’

He lives in one of the nice but not overly expensive flats. He is often found in The Lounge having a pint or two, or in the Roger Kirk canteen having his dinner with a few mates. He shoots some pool now and again, and uses the gym at the sports centre. He plays hockey but also writes for Nouse. You remember the James College motto translates to ‘Let them hate, as long as they fear’, and you think it doesn’t match up to him. Then you realise you fear you will never be as alright a bloke as James.

Langwith: Callum ‘The Shark’

With the Glasshouse being both the closest thing to his halls and the only entertainment on Hes East, Callum has played a lot of pool. He’s memorised every single word on the slideshow that plays on the screens on the wall, he can recite the entire Glasshouse menu off by heart, and he knows every bump and contour on the pool table. Nobody knows how many 50p pieces he’s spent on those tables — dare you challenge him?

Vanbrugh: Hannah ‘The Conqueror’

If Derwent brought you ‘Big D’ then Vanbrugh is definitely ‘Big V’. Hannah has yet to be sighted being anything less than maximum bevvied. She loves that her college salute is flicking the V, and will definitely throw up on your front door if you disrespect Vanbrugh. A number of people know about the unusual piercing she has, but no one can agree as to where it is because usually she turns the lights off to hide her disgusting room. You can prove yourself to her, but only if you can make your vomit Vanbrugh purple.

Wentworth: ???

You will never meet anyone from Wentworth. Pasky Miranda

go to @thelemonpress on Twitter.



Please don’t count the number ofunique authors.

Cameron and Clegg to Buy Caribbean Island Together In the wake of the EU referendum and a victory for the Leave campaign, David Cameron has resigned as Prime Minister, and announced a plan to buy a Caribbean island with his former Deputy, Nick Clegg. The Tory and Liberal Democrat politicians plan to name the tropical paradise ‘Coalitia’ and have so far announced only one rule, that of there being ‘no Boris’s allowed’.

REVEALED: Stripper to Burst out of Large Marrow at Jeremy Corbyn's Leadership Victory Party in Liverpool. My source tells me no one expected this to be how David Miliband would return to politics.

Stephen Harper

Chilcot & Iraq: By the Numbers

45 Minutes: How long Tony Blair spoke for to attempt to

deny any responsibility and justify going to war. 1441: The number of times the Blair government ignored expert advice. 2003: Approximate number of lies told by Blair government Tom Davies with regards to the war and its apparent success per month. 2.6 million: Amount of Red Bull in millilitres drunk by Sir Nicola Sturgeon – Hot Mess Early this morning an as yet unidentified male senior citizen set John Chilcot during the week prior to publication. SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon ablaze during a visit to her Glasgow 179: Preventable British military personnel casualties. Southside constituency, causing fourth degree burns to her face, This statistical analysis was brought to you by the Yes It's throat and upper torso. Sources report that the man made no attempt to get away, proudly crowing that he had the support of Another Technique We Stole From Private Eye Department. at least 19% of any jury as policemen bundled him into an Henry Dyer unmarked van. In a statement outside the beach house where they plan to live out the rest of their days, the two men opined that ‘to be honest, we’re just happy to be together again.’

But while the vandal’s teeth are being knocked across a holding cell by a sexually frustrated desk sergeant, what does this mean for the kilt-wearing barbarian on the ground? We braved the icy, glass-strewn streets of Glasgow to find out what average Scots thought: ‘Oh aye, definitely calls for an independent Scotland.’ ‘I bet Cameron did this.’ ‘Don’t blame me, I voted remain.’ The Lemon Press has managed to secure an interview with Sturgeon in hospital following the attack, however all we received in response to our questions was nonsensical gurgling followed by what, on further examination, was probably an attempt to plead for death. To some Nicola may appear a pitiful sight but with her pledge to continue leading the party despite her injuries or, as she put it, ‘[vaguely inspiring sounds of choking on the charred remains of own tongue]’, Sturgeon continues to enjoy the support of over 90% of her party’s MPs. This leaves her and her party as the continuing top choice for the role of opposition to the Tory government under Boris 'just kidding' Johnson/Margaret Thatcher 2.0/a bespectacled android poorly imitating a human being. 09

News and Politics

Morgan Barker-Thorne

Give us ad money at

And certainly don’t check them against our membership. #MostHaram

Hillary Clinton to Break from Campaign to Finish Phylactery

Following a spate of health concerns on the campaign trail, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is cancelling her trip to California state to complete the binding ritual entwining her soul to a phylactery. The various arcane energies keeping Clinton's mortal shell have suffered a few set backs as of late, with many notable episodes of fainting, making comments intending to insult half of the electorate and being the only being in America who could conceivably lose to Donald Trump. However, after completing the binding ceremony started in her term as Secretary of State, she will finally be able to up-link her soul to the higher planes of existence, rendering her mortal facade impervious to the fatigues of the campaign. ‘The ritual is quite simple,’ explained one Democratic spokesperson. ‘After Mrs Clinton has made the necessary sacrifices of goat’s blood to the altar of Arkazetzsch the Unblinking Flayed God of Famine, she should be infused with enough Fel magic from the Fallen ones to finish both the campaign and her term. Afterwards, she will be safely dragged into the fifth dimension and used as the interdimensional equivalent of a cat scratching post for some concept of time which is allegedly incomprehensible to mortal beings. Of course, Mr Trump's sacrifice to the malevolent ones is much more gruesome. Yeah, concentrate on that instead.’ Mr Trump has vowed he can sell his soul for double the price of Mrs Clinton's and has vowed to make the Devil pay for it. Gabriel Bramley

Donald Trump under Fire for Clinton Assassination Comments

Donald Trump Accidentally Reveals Favourite Show during Interview

Interviewer: Do you think that Obama is a foreign Muslim? Trump : Yes, no, maybe. I don't know. Can you repeat the question? Interviewer: Are you trying to avoid the question? Trump : You're not the boss of me now. Interviewer: Ok, butTrump : You're not the boss of me now. Interviewer: You said that, howeverTrump : You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big. Interviewer: What does that even mean? Trump : Life is unfair...

Greg Waddell

Hillary Clinton Urges Tighter Gun Restrictions

‘I believe that background checks tell us when a person is at risk of using a gun, whether on themselves or a crowd of people. Isn't that right Bernie? Don't you agree with me? Here. In this huge room filled with people shouting my name because my party screwed you over? Must make you mad, huh? Must wanna take out your righteous anger on people. Particularly those delegates who stopped your supporters coming in. How does it feel Bernie? How did it feel when you moved to have me, Hillary Rodham Clinton nominated for president? How does it feel when Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush are more ballsy than you in refusing to back a candidate you disagree with? And you know there's a gun store on nearly every street corner in Vermont. And you know all the ways in and out of this building. Anyway, as I was saying, people at risk should be on a watchlist. Wouldn't want to get burned or anything.’ (As she wandered off the stage, Hillary appeared to spit on Bernie Sanders, who took it like a bitch.)

Donald Trump has yet again stirred controversy by suggesting that Hillary Clinton should be killed ahead of the 2016 Greg Waddell presidential election. Speaking at a rally, he said, ‘I would go right up to Hillary folks, right next to her, and put an actual loaded firearm, an actual literal gun, and shoot her multiple times. It's gonna happen folks, nothing she can do.’ He later repeated these threats, adding, ‘I want her dead folks, I want this woman to no longer be alive.’ Trump’s team have since claimed the remarks ‘are in the context of an election and don't literally mean he wants her dead’, and many Trump supporters claim that it's ‘just Donald being Donald’. Greg Waddell

or we'll come and take it in person.

News and Politics


We at The Lemon Press have never heard ofsatire. . .

Ronald Reagan's Daughter Comments on Trump Controversy

Patti Davis, daughter of former US president Ronald Reagan, has released a statement regarding Donald Trump apparently inciting violence at a rally. The statement is as follows: ‘To Donald Trump. I am the daughter of a man shot by another for watching a movie, and you claim what you said didn't incite violence? The movie, by the way, was Taxi Driver, an immense classic of cinema guided by heavyweights who weren't quite heavyweights yet in the world of movies. Take the cast for example. Robert De Niro, at that point coming off of an Oscar win for The Godfather Part II, and a nomination for The Deer Hunter. Two years, two Best Picture winning movies, two timeless performances, and then here he is melting into the role of Travis Bickle, a mentally unstable Vietnam war vet. Along the way he interacts with a bevy of characters, the slimy campaign man Albert Brooks, the sleazy pimp Harvey Keitel, and of course the teenage prostitute Jodie Foster. Get this, some guy actually tried to kill the president because of her, can you believe that? Anyway, Martin Scorsese shows off some of his greatest techniques in this movie. Incredible use of improvisation, slow languid camera movements replaced by high octane action, and even the best director cameo in modern cinema. So what makes Taxi Driver so interesting to look at? Well, it came out in probably one of the greatest years for movies. 1977. Taxi Driver didn't win best picture that year at the Oscars, know what did? Rocky. And what else was there? Network. Sidney Lumet's pinnacle, with three Oscar winning performances, that's something which just doesn't happen these days. Faye Dunaway wins Best Actress for her role as a diabolical TV news producer, and Beatrice Straight won Best Supporting Actress for her one scene as a tired and fed up wife. Just one scene! It's the shortest ever performance to win an Oscar, even beating David Niven’s 20 minutes of screen time in Separate Tables, for which he won Best Actor. You know, Anthony Hopkins won his Oscar for Silence of the Lambs, one of three movies to win the big five Oscars: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Screenplay - but he was only onscreen for 25 minutes! Even the National Board of Review granted him just the supporting award. His co-star, Jodie Foster, was also in this movie where she played a child prostitute and, get this, someone tried to kill the president because he fell in love with her! Idiot. She's a lesbian now anyway, good on her. Anyway, as I was saying about Network, the crowning achievement has to be Peter Finch, who won Best Actor as the crazed TV newsman becoming a prophecy of his own destruction. Now that I think about it, Faye Dunaway starred opposite Jack Nicholson in Chinatown. And Jack Nicholson was a standout role in The Departed, a Scorsese masterwork. But if you want to see The Departed in a new light, take a look at the film that it was based on, the Hong Kong cop thriller Infernal Affairs. It has everything you need from a film, and more. So anyway in conclusion, Donald Trump, go watch Infernal Affairs.’

Nixon Outraged over Frost Interview

Former president Richard Nixon has called David Frost a ‘gutter journalist’ after their interview was published this morning. In it, Nixon admits responsibility for the Watergate scandal, and is directly quoted as saying, ‘When the president does it, that means it is not illegal. After the interview, I made it clear that this remark would not be the central point,’ followed by, ‘I meant nothing by it and it is just another example of a conspiracy to unseat me.’ David Frost meanwhile, has argued that as a journalist he has a responsibility to report things that are newsworthy, and the former president’s comments are just that. Still, seeing as they are both long dead, let's just ignore the whole thing.

Gregory Waddell

The Voices of the Plebs: the Ordinaries Speak!

‘I for one never thought that Brussels sprouts were a positive addition to the good old fashioned British Christmas dinner. Also immigrants!’ – Gav, Runcorn, on Brexit. ‘All politicians are liars, but at least Nigel Farage is a racist liar!’ – Barry, Cheshunt, on Brexit. ‘He never paid me any attention and that’s why I’m leaving him.’ – Chastity, Goole, on being married to the EU. ‘They make 3,200 laws against cheap lager and catcalling women outside the WMC a day in that EU. Also I cannot abide immigrants.’ – Dick, Alfreton, on Brexit. ‘This segment is noxiously classist, you’re fired’

Greg Waddell

Condemned Prisoners Offered Choice

– Eds., The Lemon Press, on my career. Tom Davies

It's a great leap forward for democracy and prison systems as hundreds of millions of people are to be offered a choice in November as to which side of the head they'd like to be shot in. Having whittled the tools of their execution down to two guns, and not opting for death by a guac bowl, the Zodiac Killer, or an old man from Brooklyn, all that is left is to decide is which gun will deliver the fatal blow.


News and Politics

Henry Dyer

Do you like Facebook? Are you a twat?

yet we hide behind it like using a baby as a shield. #Untouchable

Opposition Update

Much has been said of Jeremy Corbyn over the past few months, and little of it has been particularly demonstrative of his 'kinder sort of politics'. Like a strangely possessive tramp who has found himself a nice shopping trolley filled with bin bags, he is refusing to give up his position, claiming support from the vast majority of his peers, who would actually rather roll his shopping trolley off of one. Corbyn, who has convinced himself he is the messiah and true prophet to the disenfranchised masses of Islington North, continues to superglue himself to his office chair, which he has bolted to the floor, in case the Blairite plotters have launched a dastardly plot in conjunction with IKEA to oust him from office whilst attached to his furniture. Meanwhile, in an even more depressing corner of Whitehall, Owen Smith has been growing out his beard in an attempt to look more like 'the acceptable leg of Michael Foot'. When asked why, speaking through sobs and hiding an old poster of Tony Blair under the tatty old desk, he said, 'If you can't beat them, join them'. After this, his heartbreak seemed to turn to maniacal laughter, and the only reporter left in the room quietly exited through a fire escape.

Jeremy Hunt Slams God for Working Six Day Week

Myles Dunnett

The Secretary of State for Health has come under fire for suggesting that God is: 'lazy', 'not good enough for twenty-first century Britain’, and ‘unfit to deliver high-quality care for people'. Speaking with a King James Version of the Bible in hand, Hunt argued that the 'cruel negligence by God' in choosing to rest on the seventh day was 'blatantly inadequate'. Hunt has called for further reform to the deity, describing him as 'unnecessarily omnipresent' and saying there was a clear requirement for 'decentralisation away from the bloated Trinity towards such upstanding moral individuals as myself' in order to deal with the supposed ongoing crisis. When asked for comment, a representative for the BMA simply laughed, whilst the spokesperson for the Department of Health simply swore under his breath and said 'Christ, not again.' Henry Dyer


The following is a statement made by the White House Press Secretary in response to several charities, websites, and individuals requesting that whistleblower Edward Snowden be pardoned by President Obama. The calls come after Snowden released classified documents exposing US surveillance techniques. My fellow Americans,


If not, find us there.

Greg Waddell

News and Politics


Ask us about Multi-Track Drifting, and be sorry you ever did.

Just a Minute: with Ken Livingstone Parsons: Hello, and welcome to a special edition of Just a Minute. Today we have a very special guest - the former Labour Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone. Now as you all know, the aims of the game are simple. You have to talk on a topic without hesitation, repetition, deviation or making an anti-Semitic remark. Now Mr Livingstone, talk for one minute on the topic of Keith Vaz's resignation. Livingstone: Of course, Mr Vaz was a valued member of the Westminster machinery. One may compare his downfall to that of Hitler, with no help from the Jewish peoples who fundedParsons: I'm afraid you've just made an anti-Semitic remark, Mr Livingstone. Okay, let's try the new Mayor of London. Livingstone: Mr Khan has recently spoke against Mr Corbyn after only a month in the job. Although a dedicated Labour man, one can only assume the puppet strings of Zionism twitching at his backParsons: Again, deviation. Let's try something simple. Talk about gardening. Livingstone: I would talk about my garden, but think about the hundreds of gardens being occupied by ruthless Zionists under the sway of the RothschilParsons: You're not very good at this, are you? Livingstone: Oh come on, I used Zionism to refer to the imperialistic land grabbers this time. Parsons: You managed to fail before the round even begun and I'm afraid we're out of time. Next time in Just a Minute, we're inviting the Labour leader candidate Owen Smith to see if he can last one minute without irreparably cocking up his campaign bid. Say goodbye, Mr Livingstone. Livingstone: SIEG HEIL! Parsons: Oh for fuck's sake.

Koen Lamberts Wants S'More of Your Cash

Kevin, The Lemon Press Intern

Gabriel Bramley

Rosa Hansell


News and Politics

We lost our virginity by going online.

Nisa, a shit expensive shop for twats. (Does this count as an advert?)

Cameron and Clegg: Reunited and It Feels So Good

Rosa Hansell

The Lemon Press Exclusive: Inspiring - This Pitcairn Athlete Competed in the 100m Sprint despite Not Having a 100m Stretch of Land on the Islands to Practice On Niall Young, the 34 year-old Pitcairn athlete was the only Pitcairn islander to compete in the Olympics. Despite coming from the smallest nation by population on Earth, Niall was allowed to compete in the Olympics in any sport of his choosing. After the race, The Lemon Press was able to talk Niall about his road to the Olympics.

The Lemon Press (TLP): How have you practised for the race? Niall Young (NY): It was very difficult to practise for the 100 metre sprint. The main problem was that we do not in fact have a single piece of land that is 100 metres long. As such, the only solution was to mark out a 50 metre stretch and turn around at the end. Turning around was very difficult at the speeds I was reaching in practice; after three months I found the best technique was to leap at about 48 metres and spin 180 degrees to face the other way. It was important when spinning to get the distance right, if I did overshoot I would have been over the cliff. TLP: Over the cliff? Is that a metaphor for falling down? Or perhaps losing the race? NY: No, I would literally fall off the cliff and die on the rocks below. Anyway, over three months I practised anytime I wasn’t managing the farm. I feel with what I have learnt on my 50 metre stretch, I can only come first in the 100 metre sprint. Usain Bolt will be left in the dust as I reach 50 metres, spin 360 degrees and power on through the final 50 metres. TLP: Well that is excellent to hear Niall. I wish you all the best in your race. Before you go, would you be able to endorse The Lemon Press for the interview? NY: I have no clue what The Lemon Press is, you have literally just sat down at my table in this cafÊ and started asking questions about me. Who are you anyway? TLP: Thank you very much for your time Niall. Niall Young is truly an inspiration for us all to learn from. Niall Young came last in the race, at a time of 32.83 seconds. Rebo Bevin, The Lemon Press Exclusive Reporter

We used this website:

News and Politics



An Apology Letter to the PLP By a Labour Entryist In the wake of ANOTHER string of scandals befalling the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, the eternal leader of all our hearts and minds has once again smashed the Blairite yoke and set them fleeing back to their wicked two-story homes and feasible economic views. In light of this, the Labour membership wish to send their deepest condolences which shall be written here below. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha. We told you! We genuinely don't know how you managed to sod this up, yet you somehow did. We know our glorious leader is unelectable, yet you somehow managed to field a candidate who was somehow more unfeasible than a genuine, bonafide communist. Trust me, we did everything to lose this campaign. We abused the opposition, we harangued the people on Twitter, Jeremy drew his economic plan on the back of a fag packet and yet the saviour you sent up was Owen Smith?! How did you manage to find someone who could genuinely lose an election to the Lib Dems?!


News and Politics

Well, regardless, we're actually kind of irritated. Now, we always TALK about how the socialist revolution is soon within our grasp and the capitalist swine would be routed into their mansions, but we never envisioned it ACTUALLY happening. In fact, tying the nooses for the aristocrat dogs clashes with my yoga class on Tuesday, but now Jeremy has won, I apparently have to do it now. So thank you Blairites. Once again you have shown your unabashed selfishness, by bringing the socialist utopia so close to reality that we actually have to do something.

Henry Dyer

'Love' us. Because someone has to...


A Summer of Revolution

Pop Quiz: Republican or Labour Party?

1 - A political demagogue is likely to be leading this political party into electoral slaughter in the next general election. 2 - Leader was elected much to the chagrin of the party establishment and long term supporters.

No matter, just more Remain scaremongering. He could pay by cheque. In Tesco, he couldn’t find any brie, and they had sold right out of his favourite store-bought wine - a nice Saint-Émilion. The manager informed him that due to the value of the pound, imports had been suspended indefinitely. So he bought some Somerset brie and a nice bottle of English white wine and supported Great British industry.

A Spring of Protests

3 - Elected by the politically disenfranchised.

4 - Elected by slogans rather than any concrete or costed policy.

5 - The leader is an old man who has been involved in politics for decades, as opposed to part of the establishment. (Answers: Clinton and May are going to run the Western world for the foreseeable future.) Stephen Harper

The Rise of the Brexiteer As the sun rose over a free, independent Britain, Sam, a committed Brexiteer, felt happy. After showering in slightly cloudy brown British tapwater, free from EU regulations on cleanliness, he ventured out into the world. First, he visited the bureau to prepare for his holidays. He was slightly surprised to discover that for £1000 he would only be getting $10. No matter. He would stay in England and visit one of the fine British resorts and support British tourism. So he went to the travel agents. Sam was slightly surprised to find that his favourite seaside destination had been converted into a migrant camp. Apparently something to do with the UK border no longer being in Calais. Funny, Nigel said he’d deal with that. No matter. He’d stay at home. As he walked to Tesco, he pondered the irony of having an unelected Prime Minister thanks to a vote for Brexit, which was a vote in favour of democracy. No matter. He rather liked Boris. Outside Tescos, he stopped at a cash machine. There didn’t seem to be any cash in it. He called the bank. Apparently, stocks had fallen so dramatically they had been forced to leave the City of London and temporarily suspend his account.

...and you can do it on our Facebook page.

On returning home, the house was flooded, and he couldn’t get a plumber. So he decided to move. He called the estate agents and found that its value had dropped by 18%. He opened the post: his mortgage rates had increased, but his wages had dropped, so he couldn’t afford them anymore. He looked for a rental, but he couldn’t rent because rents had been driven up. Feeling rather gloomy, Sam sat down in waist-high brown British water, and had some food. But the 'best of British' Somerset brie tasted like shit, and the wine was rancid. No matter. At least it was his decision, his country, his choice. Sam smiled, knowingly. Today was a good day in independent Britain. Myles Dunnett

Breaking News: Jeremy Corbyn's Re-Elected Jeremy Corbyn was elected Labour leader once again today, much to the chagrin of Labour MPs. Elsewhere in Whitehall, the Conservative Party quietly executed the Emergency Powers Act, eliminating all future term limits eternally. In other news, Owen Smith is to acquire herbicide company 'Roundup'. He told media: 'I've tried for two months to get rid of this one blasted weed but it keeps on going.' Myles Dunnett and Pasky Miranda

News and Politics


You will grow to love the smell ofgoose shit in the morning. You will be lost without it.

Freshers' Fashion Guide

Tinder Tips for Freshers

Fresh Meat is not just a terrible TV show. It also is an accurate metaphor to describe the victims of the cut-throat, Devil Wears Prada, world of York fashion. Unless you know your chinos from your capri pants, it’s going to be a rough three years. Luckily this short guide will help you navigate 3 fashion trap falls, to prevent you sticking out like a foreigner with an umbrella in Denmark. 1. Dressing for the weather: This is a red herring, the weather is chilly and you may be tempted to wear layers or a jumper, or even pants. This is a classic rookie mistake. Gentlemen should know that the length of their pants determines their masculinity, that’s why northerners only ever wear shorts; and, ladies — the secret to a great night out is to be freezing cold. 2. Coats: As a winter wardrobe staple, the coat’s traditional function is to protect the wearer from the elements. Material is key here; the faux fur or cotton coat is ineffectual due to its high absorbency. Embrace your new environment and invest in a waterproof jacket. You should always look ready to climb a mountain. 3. Home Wear: Stylists are in agreement that the key item you must wear in front of your new flatmates is your leavers’ hoodie. This is a sure-fire way to ensure the new people in your life know your edgy nickname from college. Looking ahead: Top colours for men’s and women’s fashion for Winter 2017? Yeah uh huh, you know what it is, black and yellow, black and yellow. Indeed, the York Freshers’ Winter collection is exclusively made up of sportswear. After all, how else will people know how cool you are without you constantly advertising which sports club you are part of. Taghreed Ayaz

Perfect Pickup Lines to Help You Pull in Freshers

- Hey babe, did it hurt when you fell from your parents' expectations and didn’t get into Oxford? - If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd switch the U and Y in YUSU to help clear up the differences between the University of York (UK) and York University (Canada). - Why yes, I'd love to hear about your gap year. - Do you want to hear my theory about what happened to Kevin? pls help now pls Stephen Harper



Listen fellas. And ladies. Mostly fellas. You're coming to university, and those loins are very loiny. So you could end up in halls with the love of your life, or you'll probably need to use Tinder. And if it is the latter, you're going to need to learn some hacks and hints on how to optimise your Tinder game.

1) THERE IS NO LEFT SWIPE. Tinder ‘lets’ you swipe left in the same way that York ‘lets’ you take an optional language course in first year. You all say you do it, and it is a good idea. But nobody does it. So ignore the whole left side of your phone, because no matter who it is, be it your coursemate, housemate, or sibling, you're gonna swipe right. 2) WHEN YOU MATCH, INSTANTLY SEND A DICK PIC. This is key for three reasons. First off, that's a conversation starter right there. Even if your match merely says ‘WTF’ that's better than a stale opener like: ‘Yo, how's the family’ or ‘Hey sugar what's cookin’’. The second reason, it doesn't have to be your dick. Find a large or a small penis online. Be a girl without a penis and confuse, perhaps possibly attract, your prospective partner. Finally, given there is no photo function on Tinder, opening with a photo will be rather amazing. 3) REASSURE YOUR MATCH YOU HAVEN'T KILLED YOUR SPOUSE. Tinder is a dangerous game. You never know if the person you've matched with is a serial killer. So opening by explaining you haven't killed your wife, or husband, is a good and reassuring tactic. Even if you have, just lie. They won't know. 4) NEVER MEET YOUR MATCHES. Just spoils the illusion really. If you match and they ask you to go somewhere, send a lookalike. Love will flourish as it should. 5) DELETE TINDER AND FAKE YOUR DEATH. Once you have a sufficient amount of matches, get rid of your profile, and arrange for a local media source to report your death. The outpouring of grief centred around you is bound to boost your ego. (If you would like The Lemon Press to report your death in error, please contact our editors at their email.) And that's that people. Get ready to have more sex than you've ever had in your life. Because going from having no sex, to masturbating awkwardly in your shared bathroom accommodation, to blurry Tinder photos of people who aren't real and are just bots, is how we become adults. Greg Waddell

Literally the best thing about York, honest.

For freshers considering getting involved in student politics, smoking will kill you faster.

York Best Sellers of Summer 2016 As we close off the summer, we might reflect on what we've been reading. Summer, where you all no doubt set out to read those Marxist texts in an attempt to steamroll every seminar in the coming weeks (no matter the subject matter) but ended up reading lists and only just ordering your reading list for this term. Well, put your regrets aside readers, you still have all those gaps in your timetable where you could be digging into a book. To help you choose your next text, The Lemon Press intern Kevin has compiled a list of the most read books by students at the University of York. 1. Was Chris Wall a Normie? A Psychoanalytical Approach , by Tulissa Trowels, PhD. 2. My First Name Is Almost the Same as an Influential Nu-Metal Band from Bakersfield, by Koen Lamberts.

Exposed: How Long Left Could Stevie Wonder Possibly Have Left on This Earth? Stevie Wonder, legendary pop singer, is alive and still performing. The question, however, on everyone's lips is simply: how much time does he have left to live? I asked members of the public what their thoughts on this were. Stewart, 24, Bolton: ‘I thought he was dead already. Pretty superstitious if you ask me. Also, because I made a pun, can I feature?’ Mary, 68, Huddersfield: ‘I reckon, at a guesstimate, about 4 years, 3 months, 14 days, 2 hours and 34 minutes. No need for seconds, it'll be to the second I think.’ Jamie, 32, Luton: ‘The time he has left is dictated by me, the time master. If I will it, he will be gone. Just like I did to Rickman.’

3. The Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism , because every fucking English student has to buy this glorified pdf folder. Emily, 17, Gosforth: ‘Stevie Wonder? No clue. I'm so bored with that music, I'm all for metalcore. It's real music.’ 4. My Life as a BNOC, The People's Champion: The Alex Lusty Story: Vol 1: The Awakening, by Author Unknown, but probably Steve, 66, Detroit: ‘Who's there? Is someone there? I'm blind, Lusty. please don't hurt me.’ 5. The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Fuck anyone reading this, it's not the quintessential Great American Novel you pretentious shits. This was probably on a list of 30 books to read before you die that you saw on The Times website or something using your dad's login details. Fuck paywalls, and fuck you. I will fight you. [We here at The Lemon Press do not wish to fight anybody, and if you're reading this Kevin please let us know if you are okay Ed.] Kevin, The Lemon Press Intern

Greg 'One-Eyed Joe' Waddell

New Bourne Movie Wows Critics

The latest movie starring Matt Damon has his character turn into an evangelical. It's called Bourne Again Christian. In other news, a man by the name of Gregory Waddell was found hanged, with a note blaming the death on a terrible joke regarding the Bourne movie franchise. His family have been informed, and felt he made the right decision. Greg 'Take Me Roughly (to the Movies)' Waddell

New TV Programmes for Winter 2016 Coming Soon More4: Cockup, Cockup, Cockup

Witness the fully unleashed power of Kevin McCloud as he wanders around the country looking at people's plans for their home renovation projects, passing no initial judgement on them, and then coming back six months later to point out that 'this is a bloody travesty. What were you thinking? You've wasted your fifty grand. Never go near a plank of wood again in your life, you worthless homunculus'. Nominated for over seven hundred Ofcom complaints. Henry 'Project Manager' Dyer

Find out why on our YouTube.




Wanna see a magic trick? Mention Willow, and watch your peers cry.

No Man’s Sky: New Features Added

In response to criticism, the developers behind the ambitious space sim No Man’s Sky have added a host of new features designed to enhance player experience. ‘We heard that players were having a hard time finding things to do in the game that were worthwhile,’ said a walking meme, ‘so we decided to include some elements that should really help.’ The features included an option to open up a web browser whilst aimlessly flying around so you can watch porn. Another allows the player to play a rudimentary game of Pong while mining for minerals, and now players can sell minerals on a ‘Space Market’ for in-game currency. ‘We really like the idea of an in-game currency, kind of like Space Dollars,’ said another meme sitting down. ‘So now you can get Space Dollars. You can't buy anything, because that would require interacting with other players.’ Since news of the additions broke, IGN has added 7 more points onto their 6/10 review, giving the game a record breaking 13/10. ‘I just love acquiring Space Dollars, I cannae get enough,’ said the reviewer.

Leaked List of Future Battlefield 1 DLC

Greg Waddell

Players are furious after a list claiming to reveal future Battlefield 1 DLC was leaked online. Many have claimed the amount of features locked behind a paywall is simply abysmal. Here is that list in full: FRONTIER MAP PACK: 4 extra maps plus new weapons. GALLIPOLI RUSH PACK: Purchase this pack and never have to play Gallipoli Rush map as the Allies. Players who choose not FRAME PACK: Lets you play the game with more frames per to purchase this pack may be placed onto the Allies at second. Gallipoli, which will consist of spawning, dying, and spawning HISTORICAL ACCURACY PACK: Unlocks the laser gun and Nazi uniforms that were uncovered from in-depth research by again, ad infinitum. the developers. COMMANDER REALISM PACK: As part of DICE’s careful attention to detail, players who choose to become a TIME SAVER PACK: Unlocks Battlefield 4 as a playable mini commander will be placed as a commander for a different game and also completes the campaign for you, although server entirely: as well as having all their information that doesn't change anything. MENU AND MATCHMAKING PACK: Lets you access the main delivered two hours late, placing them well out of harm's way, but also leading to all their information and artillery strikes menu and use matchmaking to play online games. being grossly incorrect. Purchase this pack to speed up GAME PACK: Lets you play the game, and will be released for communications to only one hour! £40, 3 months after launch. PROPAGANDIST PACK: An additional class to the regular HISTORICAL ACCURACY PACK 2: Unconfirmed reports show four, players with this pack will have the ability to mislead this allows you to play as Leisure Suit Larry which is players into the true nature of the opposing force, and will apparently something that happened in WW1. continue to tell the players they are winning by displaying BATTLE OF THE SOMME PACK: Experience the Somme in all fake victory banners, even as the infantrymen get shredded its brutality with this new map. Tickets for both sizes reach by MGs. into the tens of thousands by default, and in an interesting POLITICAL CAMPAIGN PACK: An enthralling new instalment twist each objective for both sides (Conquest only map) will to the Battlefield WW1 story. The campaign includes a be about 2 yards away, although there will be hundreds of cutscene set in Sarajevo and a quick time event containing these objectives on each side. Movement, however, is the phrase 'Press X to leave cafe.' Another cutscene later in restricted to proning or spamming X to 'wade through mud the campaign will be 'Press X to lie about military failure to and bodies'. the House.' Expected to be released 'by Christmas'.

Prime Minister Henry 'Asquith' Dyer & Kaiser Greg 'Wilhelm' Waddell

Block us at @thelemonpress



I was shocked when Gene Wilder died.

Theresa May Releases New Album: 'Straight Outta Grammar School: Political Comeback Edition' feat. 2 Chainz, blink-182, Eminem, and Skepta BreMAYniac, as she is called by those in the know, dropped her latest album this week, and it has thus far polarised critical opinion. One of the album’s songs, 'Never Gonna Give You Up – DJ BoJo Remix', has been variously labelled 'ill-judged' and 'criminally insane'. DJ BoJo's own album, 'Is It Because I Has Slanty Eyes?', will be released this coming winter. However, the leading track and smash hit song, 'Don't Let the Sun Gove Down on Me' has been described as Theresa's masterpiece. With deeply harrowing undertones of a man whose career has come to a screeching halt, the screams that permeate the song reach a crescendo towards the end of the track, as his wife murders him. Other songs include 'Brexit Seems to be the Hardest Word', 'Working My Way Back To EU Babe', and DJ Cammers' remix of 'Sorry'. Marshall-Myles Mathers-Dunnett LP 2

Someone You Don't Know Who Sings Breaks Up with Another Person You Don't Know Who Pretends to Be Thor

Stranger Things Than Stranger Things: What to Watch Next The original author for this article had watched all eight episodes of the Netflix exclusive series Stranger Things. It's a throwback to the ‘80s with great suspense and an intricate story, or so I'm told. That original author was going to recommend shows similar to it, like Twin Peaks or The X-Files and even some films like Super 8. I cannot, as I haven't seen it. Here are some things stranger than Stranger Things. I think.

Sometime last week or this week, a relationship between two people you have no personal connection to ended on terms we can only speculate. This has been the second, third, fourth (delete as necessary) relationship this person you don't know has ended with another human you haven't exchanged a single word with, and somehow each of these events reflect on their personalities in some way which presumably matters to someone. These people have now stopped being in a relationship, allowing them to pursue further relationships with other people who make a living either pretending to be people you don't know, or singing songs about breaking up with people; neither one caring less if you lived or died. When asked for your specific opinion, the person said 'who are you?' and went on to continue their life of obscene opulence and shagging people you don't know, beyond the fact they're thousands of leagues more appealing than you in both looks and wealth. Copy and paste story as appropriate for all future relationship news.

– A man licking his lips after being in a ribbed boat because some sea salt got on there. – The CCTV footage of Winona Ryder nicking a bunch of coats for no reason. – That one video online of a hiker freeing a sheep from a Gabriel 'Soothing Agony Aunt' Bramley fence, only to have it fall down a mountain. – Any scene of Little Women with Winona Ryder in it. – The Jeremy Kyle show backwards, where couples with problems hide them all and leave happy. – The scene in Edward Scissorhands where Winona Ryder has snow fall on her. Or it may have been cotton. – Sam Smith singing but without any audio so it looks like he's yawning. – Winona Ryder looking scared of Michael Shannon on and off set while shooting The Iceman. – (What do you mean Winona Ryder is actually in Stranger Things? Isn't she dead?) Greg 'Strangest Thing' Waddell



If you were a fan of The Social Network...

I was still laughing with glee about David Bowie.

Hornby Release Southern Rail Train Set

Apple Announces New Feature for iPhone 7

The latest model railway set from Hornby is based off the routes and locomotives of Southern Rail. Retailing at £99, the set includes a miniature version of the London–Brighton line, complete with faulty signals, leaves on the line, mysterious delays, and vanishing trains. Model railway enthusiasts are encouraged to complete the route by randomly cancelling trains halfway through the journey.

Following a backlash due to the removal of the traditional headphone jack, Apple have announced a feature that aims to combat those fears.

Henry Dyer

‘We have added an aspect to our pay structure called the ‘I'm not buying this payment plan’,’ said Tim Cook, eating a banana. ‘This can be done either online or offline in-store. All you have to do is see an iPhone 7, say ‘I'm not buying this’ and then don't buy it.’ The feature has faced controversy however. One Apple fanboy named Steve Jocks told us: ‘Apple have to make a product I want. I don't care about what they want to put in the product, if it isn't to my liking they should change it.’ Another fan playing with his iPhone 6 and iPhone 5s said, ’I need the iPhone 7. And headphones. So I'm going to buy it and dislike it.’ In other news, adults with disposable incomes are whiny little cry babies and I hate the world. Greg Waddell

York History of Art Students Discover Finest Image of All Time

...we use the site that liar made. Find us on Facebook.

Science and Tech


Don’t forget, you’re here forever.

DECLARATION FROM THE OFFICE OF THE GREAT AND EXALTED CHAIRMAN CAL' ON THE SUBJECT OF NEW ACQUISITIONS Good morning everyone. I have called you here today to talk about one of the most important services to this great nation of Lemon, the acquisition and indoctrination of fresh new citizens, codenamed ‘ Freshers’ . It is your j ob, as my closest associates, to be on the forefront of this vital effort. To this end, I have prepared a three step plan for you to follow; Introduction, Intoxication, and Indoctrination. Follow these steps and the nation might j ust have enough manpower to keep up production. Step 1 - Introduction:

There are many great nations on this continent of York, nations that offer unique experiences, training, and communities. The nation of Lemon has a… unique set of things to offer. However, if these are not enough to convince someone of the benefits of becoming a citizen of Lemon, lie. Lie without any hint of uncertainty or regret. Tell them that the nation will help them develop a variety of ' marketable skills' , tell them that the nation is ' respected' and ' admired' , tell them that j oining will help them forget their planned life on the continent of Cambridge. Do The ridiculous DPRK permits an extravagant 28 styles of hair. what must be done to get pen on paper and money in pocket. Lemon has but one. Step 2 - Intoxication:

It is a well known and agreed law of nature that one will not go far in a nation if one does not intoxicate themselves in the presence of the current leadership. This is a fact that you must hammer home to the new acquisitions – that their future depends upon downing this triple vodka and rum cocktail that all committee members have secretly spat in. Once intoxicated, it is your j ob to extract as much personal information as possible. This should not be difficult. By forcing them to open up to you you have created a reliance, a reliance that they will mistake as a bond of companionship. This is vital for the final act. Step 3 - Indoctrination:

Now that your Fresher is broken and bruised on the floor, it is the perfect time to finalise the process. Offer them a hand, invite them into the fold. Tell them the great historical context of the in- j okes they pretended to laugh along to the night before. Tell them the nations that are our allies and our enemies. Recall to them how you were once like them: unsure of your future and grasping for meaning. Tell them that the first step down your path is to stand for a party section editor position where they too will learn to love the nation as you have. The process is now complete, truly welcome them to the nation of the Lemon. Also please don’ t mention the nation’ s economy.



Callum Sharp

Ay bebby, u lookin for da fuk?

One ofour editors thought Winona Ryder was black.

Letter from the Editors James College, Heslington, York, YO10 5DD Uganda

News Waits for No Person It should come as little surprise to you that as a satirical magazine, we at The Lemon Press have experienced a rough few months. Like a Nissan Micra stuck on a level crossing, we simply can't move fast enough. First came the existential hilarity of Brexit, which was followed by the more depressing, yet still chuckle worthy hand-wringing, article writing, and testicle smashing of dumbfounded '48 percenters'. Never did our poor intern and slave, Kevin, imagine in his wildest dreams that those of a lefty persuasion would deign to believe that David Cameron may not have actually been 'all that bad'. And yet it seems that Kevin's wildest dreams just weren't wild enough. And thanks to the LSD we slip into his tea, he has some pretty wild and crazy dreams. With the more recent selection of our new overlords and the inclusion of Boris Johnson therein, reality has begun to ape satire. During one sombre meeting, my co-Editor asked 'what is the point of us?' None of us could answer. The pain of that reality follows us everywhere, like a big hairy docker lurking in the Glasgow shadows, waiting for an opportunity to start a fight with an unsuspecting Sassenach. Most recently, we have been presented with the endless comedy of the US elections, which, if they were to be a film, would alternately be 'Misery', 'Sophie's Choice', or 'Lock, Stock, and Two Fucking Arseholes'. In short, we have thought of more faintly amusing jokes each day than Michael Mcintyre could think of in an infinite number of lifetimes, with an infinite number of monkeys on typewriters. Except, when we think about it, we imagine the monkeys would end up neglecting to write jokes (or indeed, the works of Shakespeare), and would instead fling faeces at each other. But let's put perfect metaphors for student politics aside. So, to the point: my co-Editor and I have spent many an agonising evening in slightly darkened rooms, with cold flannels on our heads, fearing that we haven't taken full comical advantage of the latest tragedy to befall Labour's Disaster-in-Chief, General Corbengels, or that we haven't made the YUSU Sabbs feel quite as worthless as they should. Indeed, it is something of an inconvenience that the world chose to fall apart during The Lemon Press's summer hiatus. However, it is often said by people who aren't very funny, that sometimes reality is funnier than satire ever could be, and we think the events of the last few months go a certain way to proving those unfunny morons right. But we at The Lemon Press shall forge bravely onwards, and if needs be, turn from satire to the production of artisanal biscuits. If worst comes to worst, and Donald Trump is elected president, satire will cease to exist – along with most of the world's continetal land mass once nuclear war breaks out. Even then, we can always make low-budget arthouse adult manga from our bunker, or cash-in on the tragedy by selling special anti-radiation lemon suits (quality not guaranteed). Either way, most people will be deeply grossed out, but a special few will be hooked. Myles Dunnett and Louis Jani, The Lemon Press Prisoners Editors

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Ring Sexy Koen at: 01904 322009

The Studypool Files We at The Lemon Press would like to share some emails with you. No, these weren't leaked by a contractor, or hacked from our personal servers. We print these for you to read in the spirit of full disclosure and transparency which pervades society today. Over the summer, we received the following email:

Hi, My name is Jason and I' m leading sponsorships at Studypool. We' re a marketplace for academic help. As part of our goal to expand our service internationally we' re helping out student clubs. We' d love to make a financial contribution / sponsorship to your club. Can this be of interest to you guys? Regards, Jason Partnerships Team @ Studypool We reached out in response, keen to get our hands on some much needed money. Shortly after, a follow‐up email from Jason.

Hi, ( glad to hear that you’ re interested! ) Typically what the clubs do is add an image ( attached to this email) on their self – hosted website ( not social media pages, not free websites: WIX, Wordpress. com etc) that links to: www. studypool. com. Clubs also add a brief sentence underneath the image that says something along the lines of " club is sponsored by Studypool, a leading website in online homework help" . If you have the page on your university website, that works well too. We prefer to have it all managed without contracts, j ust by verbal agreement, as it will save time for both of us. Does this sound okay? If so, we' ll be able to contribute $100. 00. Here’ s an example how the link can look like: https: //www. hcs. harvard. edu/sponsors About us: Studypool is a marketplace for academic questions. That means students can post assignments they need help on, and qualified tutors will answer them. The tutors bid on answering your question and you choose the one you like. We have helped over 1. 2 million students in the US alone. I' m looking forward to exploring this sponsorship opportunity with you and your club, in the future we might be able to provide more aid. For now this is what we can do! Please send me your URL first so I can evaluate if it fits our requirements.

It is at this point that the Lemon Press Committee becomes aware of the true nature of Studypool, thanks to a few searches on Google. This scheme of theirs is a downright scam. Images are uploaded and ads placed, but payment never comes, and a convenient lack of a firm contract, just 'verbal agreement', makes their lives easier in terms of chasing payment up. Radio silence is typically established by them once demands are made. This is ignoring the ethical (yes, we do have some ethics) repercussions of the site with regards to academic integrity (shoutout to the VLE). Naturally, as a committee with too much time on our hands, we decide to lead them on and see how far we can take it.

Dear Jason, Thank you for your offer of a contribution in return for the placement of an image and description linking to your website. I have talked to my associates and we are interested in pursuing this further. We feel, however, in the full spirit of honesty, to be clear: 1. Our club has a twofold purpose. We run amateur & semi-professional printing services from the university, www. lemonpress. co. uk. We also run a successful IRC channel, #zestydiscussion, alongside our BBS forums ( the University backend is rather poor. ) We have over 1000 registered active users with strong engagement. 2. As a result in order to achieve cohesive brand strategy we would need to advertise in a format suitable for our IRC and BBS. We already have advertising bots for this very purpose - they post at regular intervals of time or character posts in the channel. 3. A suitable format is ASCII, no more than 1024 characters. 4. Furthermore university regulations require a 20% deposit on any advertising, to be paid by either us or you - what would be more useful? We can put up the funds if you can ensure the eventual payment. 5. Whilst a lack of contract is no issue, we would enj oy a facetoface agreement, and are willing to go digital - Ventrilo? Yours sincerely, Greg Wabisuke Alex Canuckbell Secretary Treasurer



Want satire at 24fps?

Are you aloof, original, kind ofhipster? Are you 'cray cray'?

Astoundingly, Jason is interested in a conference. The email, with all of its antiquated technical references, has failed to tip him off, and the ludicrous requests have had no effect. Unfortunately, the domain provided wasn't quite up to scratch, but in the mean time Jason has had another email.

Dear Jason Thank you for your response, and apologies for the lateness of ours. Greg and Alex thought it wise to not inform me of your reply face to face, instead printing it and filing it in my blue ‘ in’ tray, which is exclusively for our Italian Haute Cuisine advertising agencies — the tragedy of bureaucracy. Anyway, I’ m sorry you thought that the URL provided did not meet your requirements. Is it possible that you were served our old website? We recently updated a new version which should have propagated across the web that merges the two sections of our society as well as adding some news coverage, but the website may well still be in the post on the way to the servers ( again the university letting us down, requiring updates to be done through the physical form of a USB) . That’ s fine with regards to the deposit, as soon as we work out this irritating business to do with the website — we do have further sites linked to our club, but we’ re not sure if they’ d be appropriate for your company. We’ d be more than welcome to do that through a conference call, to clarify in general, and I will get Wabisuke to liaise with you on that front in the near future. Finally, would you be interested in seeing our readership numbers? Regards, Paul Allen Vice-Director, Mergers & Aquisitions Department, The Lemon Press Jason remains unfazed, and awaits a new URL to evaluate for appropriateness. But, as mentioned, we at The Lemon Press feel a strong ethical duty (subject to financial situations, BAE, if you're reading this, hit me up at whenever we take on advertisers. For instance, it is a strongly held view that there is a moral imperative to eat pizza. So we take advertisements from pizza companies. So we dispense our moral supremo, a figure that our lawyers advise us is completely unrelated to YUSU Media Chair and free‐speech aficionado Jonathan van Kujik.

My name is Jonathan van Cuk, and I' m the head of The Lemon Press' s compliance and morality department, ensuring that any advertising we have ( aside from technical hitches/queries, which I believe you are already engaged in an active discussion in) complies with the moral, ethical, and legal standing of The Lemon Press. If you could answer the following questions, I' d be more than happy to clear your advert for the board from a legal standpoint. 1) Does the advertisement endorse or support, through implication or no, tacitly or directly, any of the following: terrorism; Lance Armstrong' s career; the Third Reich; neo-Nazism; the organisation known as ' YUSU' ; academic misconduct; York Vision; York Vision' s editors; poor spelling, grammar, and punctuation; or The People' s Front of Judea? 2) Does the advertisement or the brand it advertises stand anathema ( that is, in fundamental opposition to) , any of the following: BS EN 1150 - a set of standards relating to visibility of j ackets; ISO 3103 - scrutinous regulation on the brewing of caffeinated leaf-based drinks; the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi, insofar as their crossover with the Papal Bull of 1570 and the Acts of Union 1707; the Constitution of The Lemon Press; The Judean People' s Front; the Rules and Regulations according to the YUSU Media Charter, as written, carried out, and executed by myself, Jonathan van Kuc? If you have any questions regarding these lines of inquiry, please email me. Yours, Jonathan van Kuk Director, Compliance & Morality, The Lemon Press Chair, Compliance & Morality, The Lemon Press Executive, Compliance & Morality, The Lemon Press Jason still hasn't got back to us. We await his response, along with the 60 million dollars a reputable Nigerian prince owes us.

Yours sincerely, The Lemon Press Committee

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Ifthis applies to you, take a step backwards. . . over a cliff.

Someone Charged with a Crime Will Actually Get Punished

Andy Murray Rejoices After Being First Human to Master Levitation

A person charged with a crime that was reported on heavily will actually get punished for it, in what is a trend-breaking move. Lionel Messi, footballer and in possession of a second name that describes his tax plans, will serve 18 months after being sentenced in a court. ‘This is ridiculous,’ exclaimed one court reporter, whilst making a Bob Ross watercolour of the incident. ‘We have become accustomed to people not being charged with things.’ While back in the day, with O. J. Simpson and Robert Blake, the practice was that they would be found not guilty of crimes they probably did. Nowadays, the practice is to expressly explain why they have committed the crime, and then not do anything about it. This technique has been recently adopted against Hillary Clinton, Tony Blair, many US police officers with suspiciously smoky guns, almost all of Rupert Murdoch’s employees, Lance Armstrong, and 2013 era Oscar Pistorius. The court that sentenced Messi has urged for calm: ‘We've given him a sentence, but he'll never spend a day inside a cell. Don't worry. We got this.’ Greg 'The Truth' Waddell

Athlete Claims Rio Medal Win Is 'Unbelievable'

A British athlete, because they're the only ones besides Michael Phelps and a black woman we are likely to report on, has commented on how amazing and exciting their win of a gold medal was. ‘I just can't believe it,’ said Chirper McChirpson, competing in an easy to understand event such as swimming. ‘It is unbelievable that a world class athlete, like myself, can win an award in my specific field of sport.’ When asked about what they had done to prepare, McChirpson responded saying: ‘Well I've been preparing my whole life for this one thing I am good at. Hence why it's so unexpected I would be able to beat other people at this. I mean, it's not like I came to the Olympics to win or anything, this is just so unbelievable, right?’ We tried to get a reporter’s perspective, but they were all being shot at. No, wait, sorry, they had small bullet-shaped rocks fired at them, by children who were definitely not carrying guns. My bad.



Greg 'Not Even Bronze' Waddell

Gabriel Bramley

Various National Reactions to the Olympic Results

Team USA: There were other teams? Huh. That's weird. That must mean there are other countries too... Team GB: Yeah sure we came second, but I'm sure we can find a negative somewhere. Oh yeah - Tom Daley. Team China: We won. End of. Team Germany: Ze Brits cheated in two vorld vars and one vorld Olympics. Team France: Je refuse de répondre dans votre langue stupide.

Team North Korea: The Glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea did not participate in your puny Olympics. And all of our athletes are dead. A mysterious and tragic accident. Hail the Leader. Team Michael Phelps: The Glorious Nation of Michael Phelps does not recognise the Banana Republic of Ryan Lochte. Team Brazil: GOOOOAAAAALLLLL. Sorry, though. Btw, does anyone have Ryan Lochte's address? We have a mail bomb with his name on it. Team India: We were there.

Myles Dunnett

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Confucius say: Success depends upon previous preparation.

Jamie Vardy Wakes up Amongst Empty Bottles and Defeated Isis Fighters

In what the Mirror have called ‘a bloody good night’, the Express ‘your standard Friday with Vardy’, and the Telegraph have inexplicably somehow still linked to England's deficiency with spin bowling, Jamie Vardy's latest night out took him to the outskirts of Raqqa. He appears to have done the customary shirt swap common to footballers, being bedecked in black, with one of the bruised fighters in a vomit-covered England shirt. The altercation appeared to have started when, despite Raqqa being an entirely dry city under the harsh islamist rule of ISIS, Jamie Vardy still managed to order the so-called alcoholic drink WKD. Stephen Harper

Man Who Is Objectively Faster Than Anyone Else on Earth Wins Running Race That's it. Just put a picture of Bolt underneath looking agonisingly happy.

Greg Waddell

Oscar Pistorius 'Disappointed' to Be Missing out on Pentathlon

Famed runner and shooter (of his girlfriend), Oscar Pistorius spoke earlier from his cell about his disappointment at not being able to take part in the pentathlon at this year's Paralympics in Rio. 'I really feel that I found a new passion beyond just running really fast, and that's running really fast, and then shooting people. I mean targets. Behind bathroom doors, ideally. It's so unfair not being able to take part, just because I'm in prison for murder.' Henry Dyer haven't got a restraining order @thelemonpress



Mortons say: Fuck you,

Don Cheadle

Don Cheadle, Don Cheadle, beadle of the people: You graced us as Miles Davis or as War Machine, so lethal.


IF you can keep your dignity when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on alcohol, If you can fail and not be tired by failing, If you can talk with rugby boys and keep your virtue, Or walk with YUSU - nor lose the common touch, If neither flatmates nor lecture friends can hurt you, If you can fill the unforgiving word count With sixty lines worth of crap, Yours is York and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a *gender not assumed*, my fresher. Dean Bennell

Lau Zee

Watch your thoughts, For they may become your words. Watch your words, For they may become your actions. Watch your actions, For they may become your habits. Watch your habits, For they may become your character. Watch your character, For you may become a Sabb.

The Citric Verses

With distinguished and dark chocolate frame, Crushed by the events of Marvel Civil War, Weathered by flawless acting to your name, You glide, waxen - effortlessly - across the wooden floor. What is the secret to your vigor and appearance? You attended professional waiting school - tell us, maybe some time, about that formative experience. You have a career average metacritic score of 60 (trust me I took a gander). If you put on some weight you'd make a decent biopic of Robert Mugabe, if Hollywood hadn't typecast you as an African in Hotel Rwanda. Don Cheadle, Don Cheadle, beadle of the people: Mahogany Emperor of Mediocrity, and a synonym for regal. Louis Jani

On the Subject of Free Speech

Jon be nimble Jon be quick Jon van Kuijk's a massive [censored on behalf of Media Chair] Myles Lao-Tse C. 432

Freeze Peach

There once was a gay man from Iran, Who happened to drive a hotdog van. His culture was structured, In a way that he lusted, For meats the imam said were Haram. Ayatollah Khumeinilly

The Disclaimer Poem

The Society responsibility denies, anyone who with our requests complies Any offence taken from the links shall not cause our noble hearts to sink If you do follow links we found in jest We say just this: we did our stubborn best CEO,



When you are done on

Thank you for reading until the end. Kindly fuck off. Aries



I once lost a game of chess so bad I ran out onto the street, spray-painted a wall, and then brutally bit a responding police officer yelling 'I WANNA GO TO THE CIRCUS'. But then I found out I wasn’t even playing a game of chess, the wall Taurus didn’t exist, and the police officer was actually just a PCSO, so As you read this, there is a handsome stranger behind you. No, less than a human. What I’m saying is, unexpected things will don’t turn around. Don’t draw attention to yourself. Oh god he happen to you this month. Maybe. I don’t know. Sagittarius is gaining speed. He’s almost there! Quick, you’ll find your Yeah, I guess things will be fine. Sorry, I am looking out my answers in Libra! Gemini window and there is this mighty fine Great Dane. Just strolling People who post 'GoPro fail videos' on YouTube are more away. So majestic. Hey there fella. Ain’t you a vision. Capricorn respected than you. Literally, they have more people who tune in each week to see them, more admirers, more anything. That I have to take this time out of telling the fortunes of Capricorn is both a damning indictment of humanity, and a heartfelt to apologise to Libra people. I callously used your hard reminder that you are kind of worthless. But you might get a earned spot to blast those Taurus bastards, then remarked that you were nothing. You are more than nothing. You are cool Xbox game. Cancer probably wondering why I am now wasting a Capricorn’s time, Something Hilary Clinton definitely has. You know it. I know it. but everyone knows that Capricorn is the shittest horoscope, And soon everyone will know. so no harm no foul. Oh, I see. I see what this is. You, an Aries, seem to think that I am entitled to give you a brief explanation of how your month will go. Well guess what. I ain’t telling you. You like that? You like that when I tease you, you naughty Aries you?


Do not ask me how or why, but you have to kick a child. Right in the kisser. I have some tips though. You kick that kid in a pool, you can get away with it, they always get in the way. Nobody would think twice. You’d be a hero.



Fish, water, barnacles, salt, shipwrecks, dead sailors, living sailors that are soon to be dead, whales, other fish, other whales, recently dead sailors, the remains of Osama Bin Laden (ALLEGEDLY) and so on. Stuff is wet, is what I am trying to get at.



I once got my thumb stuck in the end, and it took ages to get Pisces out. Actually, I quite liked it. Yeah, like it was a little wriggly Hi asl? F, 21, USA here super horny wanna livechat worm trying to get out. I haven’t seen that tutorial, is it online? it wll ask for ur bank details that is just to confrm FUCK THIS ISN’T FACEBOOK MESSENGER. ur age cant wait to see u bbby ;)

PRANKED YA! HAHA! If you’re a Libra, that doesn’t apply to Isn't even a star sign. You probably don't care though. I know you. Nothing does. I don't, because I made up a Zodiac sign. What a life I lead.

The Monty Gove Problem

You are a contestant on a game show. The aim of the show is to pick from one of three doors, behind each awaits a prize. You know what these prizes are, but not which door they are behind. They include the following: 1) £350 million a week to fund essential services 2) The Norwegian system (whatever that may be) 3) A 5x5 bedsit containing 50 illegal immigrants Once you pick a door, the host removes the £350 million prize from that door, regardless of whether or not you picked it. If you did pick it, and protest this, the host will deny all knowledge of the door. The host will then ask if you would like to change your decision on the picked door. If you say yes, the host will say you cannot as you 'already made your democratic decision'. If you say no, the audience calls you a racist. Taking all of this into account, will Michael Gove ever become prime minister? Answer: Never

...find us on twitter @thelemonpress



The Lemon Press — Issue 29 (Freshers 2016)  

Issue 29 of the award-winning satire publication from The Lemon Press, based at the University of York.

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