Chicken Concedes, Admits Egg Came First
From The Editors
ello! How are you? I assume you didn’t reply to that, which is rude, but I’ll let you off this time, you little scallywag. Welcome to the ninth edition of The Lemon Press, the surprisingly longrunning satire magazine based here at the University of York. And what an excellent edition it is, too.We’ve been slaving away all summer churning out countless (32) pages of the highest quality satire money can buy, which is great because you didn’t have to buy this at all. Except for you, Dominic. Sorry about that.
Editor Jamie Gallimore Editor Craig Dobson David Spriggs Editor-in-waiting OVER OUR COLD, LIFELESS BODIES Politics Editor Charles Deane Deputy Politics Tim Godfrey Campus Editor Bryony Holleran News Editor Rosa Wright Deputy News Dave Hughes Lifestyle Editor Rosa Wright Deputy Lifestyle Elisa Wubs Entertainment Editor J Cridford Sci/Tech Editor Nam Shatil Arts Editor Nicholas Saul Cartoonist Olivia Waring
This being the Freshers’ Edition of our esteemed publication, it seems appropriate to wave you in the direction of our freshers’ things from page 15 onwards, which we’ve splashed out on and printed in snazzy colour just for you. Well, you and the few thousand other readers.
Charles Deane Ellen Larson Tom Taylor Cieran Douglass Huw Randall-Smith
Chair Secretary Treasurer Design Hero Marketing
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While we’re on the subject of new beginnings, a quick plug. If Co-Occupant of you liked what you’ve seen in the Charles Deane “Most Positions” magazine, which let’s face it you probably read most of before this Position bit, then why not get yourself on Rosa Wright Co-Occupant of our mailing list by emailing us at “Most Positions” firstname.lastname@example.org. We’ll Position get back to you with details of events and elections in the coming weeks. Are you a winner? Alternatively, find us on Facebook, Do you love The Lemon Press? Have Twitter, and at our houses. you always dreamed of seeing how the Sincerely running out of other things magazine is made? Do all of your to talk about, the only thing left is to grandparents sleep in the same bed? say that I hope you have a truly de- Then look out for one of the five golden tickets hidden somewhere amongst the lightful day. 3,000 issues of The Lemon Press. Jamie and Craig
We’d love you to write for us. We’re far less stern than the moustached lemon. Honest. Email us at email@example.com It’s a lemon, honest.
The Sunday Independent becomes The Sunday Married with Kids after whirlwind romance
“Opinion Exchange” “What This Country Needs is a Boost to the Automotive Industry”
“Dress Me Up One More Time and I Swear You’ll Face the Consequences”
Doctor Mittens III
It has been a long time since the United Kingdom was at the forefront of automotive technology. The home of Rolls Royce, Jaguar and Honda is being left behind these days in favour of cheap, foreign brands. It’s a travesty. For example, there’s a new Ford Focus for sale at the Lancaster dealership just over the road from me for just £11,950. How can others possibly compete with that? I mean, it comes with air conditioning, alloy wheels, torque vectoring control, and I hear that if you buy it now, they will throw in a free parking sensor, mats, and a full tank of petrol. This deal is simply unbeatable, I’m afraid. So step it up, Mr. Cameron, or all those other schmoes will simply be left behind by the outstanding bargains offered on foreign cars and great brands, only at the Lancaster Dealership, Selby.
We have some good times don’t we, you and I? Like remember that time when I stood on your face while you were asleep and miaowed until you fed me? Good times, good times. So why is it that once a fortnight you get out that baby’s bonnet and strap it to my head? And those little booties? You know I don’t like it. You know those things make me walk like I have brain damage. All that hissing and scratching wasn’t just for show, you know. So consider this fair warning - next time you force me to wear that Sherlock Holmes hat, I will have a murder to investigate. Oh, and make no mistake, it will have been you who was murdered. By me. Rendering the investigation rather short. Oh and while you’re up, would you mind letting me out? I really have to pee.
The Big Question: Crime. Is it a Good Thing? CHARLES DEANE
MP for Ravensclaw
MP for Witney
MP for Skull Mountain
“Crime provides thousands of jobs for honest, hardworking Brits up and down the country. If anyone says they’re against crime, they are against the very people they claim to be speaking for.”
“Steal from the rich and give to the poor? Is that really a crime? Similarly, is it a crime when I steal from the poor and not really give it to anyone? Technically, no, but even if it was, I’d still do it.”
“Crime is most definitely a good thing. For example, without my so-called “war crimes”, millions of Iraqi citizens would be living under the oppressive regimes of Saddam Hussein. I’m a hero.”
Concern as University proposes a new Hes East college ‘Slytherin’
CAMPUS The stories close to home that NOUSE and Smug Duck Fools UoYCS into thinking it was Michael Gove
Not Michael Gove...or is it? University of York Conservative Society interviewed what they thought was Michael Gove for half an hour before realising the interviewee was in fact a fat smug-looking duck.
don’t, can’t or won’t publish
YORK GRADUATE GETS A JOB
University Accused of Speciesism
In shocking news, The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that a graduate from the University of York has found a job.
The University of York’s admittance practices have come under fire this week after it emerged they denied entrance to several animal applicants.
The student in question was Richard Langley, who graduated in 2010 with a first-class degree in Applied Biomedical Science. He is believed to be the first York graduate to gain employment in over seven years, the previous being Lily Boyle who was appointed assistant checkout manager at a Tesco in Bristol in 2004, shortly after graduating in 1996.
The chairman of the society, Gideon Beste-Chetwynde, said “His responses to our questions were very well evaded.” Suspicions as to the identity of the special guest were first aroused when he failed to take credit for allowing the destruction of universal free state education by the back-door. The person responsible for hiring guest speakers later admitted that he had not been able to book an appearance from Mr Gove, who was apparently was too busy dismantling impartial education to attend. “I panicked and grabbed a duck from Vanbrugh Paradise,” confided Harriet Flarge, “I didn’t think anyone would notice. It looked so smug...” Edward Greenwood
The man behind a major student recruitment drive Langley (23) has said that he relishes the opportunity to get back to work, and believes that his learnings on subjects such as human anatomy and pathology will afford him ample experience in his new job as floor-cleaner at a Burger King in an M6 service station. Cieran Douglass
“We received more applications from members of the animal kingdom this year than ever before,” Vice-Chancellor Brian Cantor explained to reporters yesterday. “While we appreciate their interest in attending the University, I must reiterate that we do not have the facilities to properly support their study options or living arrangements. This is particularly true for any aquatic animals who have applied. We cannot guarantee the safety of the lake water.” Some have speculated that this policy is a kneejerk reaction to the poor behaviour of the horse near Vanbrugh who, despite being admitted several years ago to do History of Art, is yet to attend a single lecture or seminar. The horse’s current grade is reportedly a 2:2. Cantor made it clear that many of the applicants were of the highest ability within the animal kingdom, but stressed that being smarter than the average bear was, “generally unimpressive considering the average intelligence of a bear.” The ViceChancellor then proceeded to ask if anyone had seen his pic-a-nic basket recently. Charles Deane
You can get more drivel
York Cat’s Feet Fall Off – Oh, Never Mind, They’re Just Tucked Underneath Her Body
My last seminar As it Happened Nightline. Maybe you’ve heard of it. But how much do you know about it? This sinister group operates in complete secrecy. All of its members are anonymous. Your own flatmate could be a part of it and you would never even know. So what do we know about this so-called service? For one thing it promotes promiscuity, handing out sexual health supplies to all who ask for them. Secondly, it promotes poor nutrition and obesity by shoving unhealthy take-away menus down the throats of unsuspecting students. Maybe we could all look the other way; after all, doesn’t Nightline only affect those who actively seek it out? But no, Nightline harms even those who want nothing to do with it. We talked to students who live near the “Nightline flat”, as the organisation calls its shadowy HQ, and found that they were harassed for condoms late at night by people who had stumbled to the wrong flat in a drunken horny mess. Who is doing this to our University? We rang them and demanded answers, but they refused to co-operate. The call ended some thirty minutes later with a teary breakdown about exam stress. So be warned - if they can break us then they can break you too. David Spriggs Ed: Nightline is a serious confidential listening, information and sexual health supplies service, run by students for students, open from 8pm until 8am every night of the University of York term. Their number is 01904 (32)3735.
STUDENT ACCUSES LTP OF SOHDDY JORNALSIM
A student studying his studies studiously at the University of York has accused The Lemon Press of misappropriating information, conducting poor research and even fabricating comments in the wake of reporting an event that most definitely happened. “They called me Greg rather than Gary, and repeatedly spelled my surname with one “l” too many,” raged a clearly upset Greg Farrellly. “I couldn’t tell you personally if the event happened, as I wasn’t there, but I have it on good authority from people who were there that it didn’t happen like that at all.” “Even if the event did happen, I’m not happy with my inclusion in the article,” he went on. “I’ve never talked to The Lemon Press in my life! I’m always too busy in labs to conduct any interviews with student media publications,” said English Language and Linguistics student Greg in an exclusive interview. York Vision’s Comment Editor Harry Bowen waded in on the debate, exclaiming: “That kind of shoddy journalistic practice certainly does not go on here at Nouse, especially not in my sports pages.” Mr. Farrellly announced his intention to initiate legal proceedings against The Lemon Press, suing the magazine for voluntary libel. The case will be heard at York Magistrates Court last Tuesday.
14.15 - Hello and welcome to the liveblog of my seminar. It’s due to get underway any moment now, we’re just waiting for the lecturer to show up. 14.16 - I’ll run you through my classmates for today’s seminar. There’s Ginger Guy, Hot Girl 1, Hot Girl 2, Fat James and Tall James. 14.17 - Still not underway here in the glorious surroundings of V/123, so let’s take a look at your emails. This one is from James: “I’m not that fat am I?” You’re not thin James, you’re not thin. And stop looking at me like that. 14.18 - The lecturer is here. I hope you’re in the mood for some modes of alienation talk! Also arriving late is Plain Girl 1. 14.19 - Apparently “so, obviously you’ve all done the reading” wasn’t an attempt at humour. Awkward. 14.21 - “Maybe [I]’d get more out of this if [I] weren’t looking at [my] bloody phone the whole time”. Maybe I would, but there is simply no way to test that theory that I can think of. 14.24 - Hot Girl 2 is saying something boring about feminism, but on the other hand she definitely is hot so I’m going to nod along anyway. 14.26 - Hot Girl 1 has selfishly disrupted the seminar because she wants to have a discussion about how it is hard to have a good working environment when someone keeps writing comments about everyone in the room. She doesn’t name names but I suspect she’s talking about Fat James. 14.27 - Apropos of nothing, Hot Girl 1 has just screamed “I have a name you know”. Fat James has put his hand on her shoulder. Pretty creepy, James. 14.29 - I’m being asked to leave the class. This is the kind of situation that would worry a less naturally persuasive and charming man but I have it under control. 14.32 - I think someone said something about one of Durkheim’s theories. It’s hard to hear from the hallway. An expelled Sociology student
Meta joke abandoned after printer cuts off final wor
Career’s Service Mis-bee-haviour
The University of York’s Careers Service has been forced to apologise today after several administrative errors led to many students taking part in inappropriate work placements over the summer. Economics student James Burrows had applied do a placement as a bookkeeper but was shocked to find he’d actually been placed on a honey farm as a beekeeper. ‘My first clue really should have been that the address was a honey farm and not a bank or business,’ James admitted in an interview with The Lemon Press. ‘By the time I’d arrived it was already too late to fix things. My suit was really inappropriate, designed for working in an office rather than keeping out thousands and thousands of bees.’
Third Years on Track for Dissertations
With many University students heading into their final years, The Lemon Press has taken some time to ask many of them how they spent their summers preparing for their upcoming dissertations. “I spent most of the summer researching my upcoming dissertation on the evolution of rail travel,” Colin Spurling, a History student, told The Lemon Press. “With the abundance of resources available in York it was extremely easy. I visited the railway Museum and the library every Monday and the rest of the week was spent playing Railroad Tycoon.” “Railroad Tycoon II to be specific,” he added.
‘I really cannot stress just how many bees there were,’ James went on. ‘It was more bees than I have ever seen in my life.’
“My dissertation is going to be on strategic management practices across international boundaries,” said third year Management student Andrew Deaney. “I figured there was no better way to get real insight on this dilemma than by playing Railroad Tycoon II endlessly. Nothing says “strategic management” like shipping coal from Russia and iron from Germany to a steel factory in Poland so that you can ship steel to France to make cars for Russia again.”
‘On my first day I brought jam sandwiches with me for lunch. That turned out to be a mistake.’ When asked to clarify, James replied: ‘On account of all the bees everywhere.’ While the experience was obviously not what he was expecting, James did admit that it was character building. ‘Specifically, I’ve built a really strong hatred of bees.’
Politics student Emily Faulkner is doing a dissertation on international trade treaties. “Railroad Tycoon II has given me a unique look at the difficulties that can be associated with getting such treaties granted. I had to save up for nearly three years before I could buy building rights from Italy.”
Elsewhere, the Careers Service also had to apologise to one student who had hoped to be working at a top British newspaper, only to find she had been placed with the News of the World.
Not everybody used Railroad Tycoon II as a study aid. History of Art student Ellis Field claimed to have played the game, “simply because I had nothing better to do.”
‘I thought maybe I’d spend the first few days looking over the shoulder of those in the industry, learning the ropes. Maybe I’d be getting the coffees and the lunches. Instead it was just loads of bees.’
University Goes to New Lengths to Provide Accommodation A wildly ambitious admissions policy has left the University of York dangerously oversubscribed, and with existing accommodation options woefully inadequate, the university has been forced to adopt a more improvisational approach. Initially, the steps taken were fairly minor. Converting the ensuites of New Vanbrugh and Goodricke from single person to five person rooms was a simple matter of inserting mattresses and beanbags. A similar process has opened up the Harry Fairhurst building to students, with university officials speculating that up to a thousand can be housed within the comfy
sofa areas that take up most of the space. However, the need to utilise every last spare metre has led to some drastic measures, such as populating the lake. The scheme, entitled “Operation Lebensraum,” involved the construction of small platforms out of twigs, dry leaves and small blocks of polystyrene for buoyancy, which float on the University’s extensive lake. The flimsy construction of the accommodation, deep water, borderline-radioactive pollution, and suspected mutant wildlife of the lake have led to some concerns over access and basic safety, with the 500 places strictly limited to “strong, confident swimmers”. Dave Hughes
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Scottish health drive leads to introduction of deep fried fruit
SIMPLY MARVEL-OUS Professor X amongst those awarded Honorary Doctorates by the University IN AN attempt to raise its profile in the mutant community, the University of York has awarded Honorary Doctorates to a number of superheroes at a commemorative event held on campus, officially celebrating the contributions made to their subject fields and the University respectively. Students returning to their studies earlier than required were rewarded with a memorable spectacle at Central Hall, with The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic and Captain America amongst those honoured in the lavish ceremony. The heroes, branded “the guardians of the universe” by York Vision, smiled and posed for the assembled lemon-themed media, before treating students to an impromptu Q&A session. The protagonists, who insisted on being addressed by their Christian names, discussed chaos theory, the importance of magnetism, and the constant threat of world domination. “I learned more from Dr. Reed today than I have in two years here. I wish he was in residence at York,” sighed Physics student Matthew Thickitt. However, the ceremony was not without a large element of controversy. Confidential documents from University offices, stolen and published by campus anti-hero The
Shrouded Sabb, contain information regarding generous donations to the University from Marvel Inc., purportedly funding “journalistic and artistic research”. The revelation resulted in a staged protest outside of the venue by enraged comic book enthusiasts. The protest came to a rather abrupt end when the slurs and personal insults severely affected Dr. Bruce Banner, whose transformation and subsequent rampage soon scattered the disgruntled DC Comics fanboys. “They did warn us not to make any of them angry a number of times over the tannoy,” admitted one shaken student dressed as Wonder Woman. Vice-Chancellor Brian Cantor later refuted suggestions that the Honorary Doctorates were awarded due to potential financial gain, rather than on merit. “Absolute nonsense,” he spat. “What has He-Man or The Green Lantern ever done for York?” According to Cantor, the awards serve to validate a number of superheroes’ claims of achieving doctoral status. “Many of them claim to have graduated from un substantiated universities. Take Dr. Mc-
Coy, for instance. His excellence is unparalleled, yet his degree from the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning is worthless. A lot of others graduated from Empire State University, which, regretfully, does not exist. We thought this would be a good opportunity to give these superheroes the recognition they deserve, nothing more.” Saving the most surprising award until last, Mr. Cantor himself wheeled former friend and archenemy Charles Xavier onto the stage to accept his Honorary Doctorate, insisting that “bygones are bygones”. Cynical reporters have suggested that this is simply part of a ruse to lull Professor X into a false sense of security. Cantor, known to previous generations as Magneto, is an acknowledged member of the Brotherhood of Unscrupulous Vice-Chancellors, and may be looking to finance a device that channels his cash flow manipulation powers to wrest every last copper from the pockets of his students. Craig Dobson
Superhero Doctorates: a SUPER! and AMAZING! idea, or part of yet another villanous plot? FOR: Peter Parker
AGAINST: Clark Kent
I think it’s a fantastic idea. Nobody remembers The Human Torch absorbing the fire from Block H in Derwent, or the years of treatment administered by Beast at the campus medical centre. The only ones complaining are those uneducated brutes at DC. You can’t get an honorary degree if you’ve never been in higher education. Most universities don’t do that. Well, except York St. John, perhaps.
This is exploitation to the highest degree. Academic grades remain high, student satisfaction plummets, and all the while the University tries to make itself look good to the mutant community. It’s not rocket science. That’s coming from someone without a PhD. How many times do I have to save the world before superheroism is considered worthy of study, and before I can get an award for it?!
Hospitals saved as Cameron finds £5bn down the backbenches at Westminster
Protesters Pray for Bad Forecast and Good Weather
Miliband Suggests Reforming Meat
Above: Protesters line the streets of everywhere
Ed Miliband came under fire yesterday after suggesting that Britain’s problems could be solved by reforming meat. His new four-point plan would focus on reforming meat, helping the silent majority that he claimed had gone far too long without being listened to. In his key speech at the Labour conference today he clarified his point: “I’m talking about the meat and two veg kind of people. I’m talking about Lamb-shank Mary down the street, or Pork chop Bill around the corner. Real people. Real Britons.”
Trade union leaders are sweating on George Osborne’s autumn economy report, having pre-emptively declared their intention to strike the day after the Chancellor’s assessment is released into the public domain. “Initially, it looked like a really bold thing to do, a strong statement of intent,” maverick political correspondent Brian McGuffin told us yesterday. “However, it looks like the unions, despite thinking they have the upper hand here with their strike action and their loud voices of discontent, have actually blinked first. If the Tories play this well, they could crush the unions and their unsettling banner-waving once and for all.” It is thought that, with the call to strike on November the 30th coming over two months in advance, George Osborne and his ministers have time to vigorously prepare a raft of new measures in time for the autumn report. “If Georgie boy plays his cards right and changes tack, allowing people to pay less than they already do in terms of pension contributions, they’ll win back the public in the nick of time,” suggested former politician and sex symbol Michael Portillo. “If he does this, there’ll only be a few lazy supply teachers and a recently laid off firefighter parading around in London. Egg will be all over the faces of the unions. Sloppy, runny, delicious egg. I do like egg.”
Critics called the idea ridiculous and claim that by focusing on reforming meat, Miliband is overlooking the big picture. What about puddings?” said one backbencher who did not want to be named. “The sweet stuff, the stuff everyone wants to get to? Ed’s focusing on the stodgy stuff, but that’s not going to capture the imagination of a nation during an economic downturn. These people want to comfort eat.” In addition to this, the National Vegetarian Society have expressed disappointment with the plan, stating its “discomfort at the thought of using flesh to promote a political agenda”, a claim Ed Miliband was quick to refute, releasing a statement claiming that he was “quite aware that bits of meat don’t vote.” Sairah Rehman
When asked whether the move to announce the strike was a pre-emptive blunder and a mis-step, Unison secretary Dave Prentis replied: “Not at all. We’re about 97% sure that when the report comes out, it will add fuel to our fire. Besides, we can’t call it off now. We’ve set up a Facebook event for it and everything.”
Breaking news: Germany invades Poland,
George Osborne blames double-dip recession on butter: “It made my fingers all slippery.”
THE ECONOMY IN CRISIS CHINA WIN BID TO BUY GREECE The custodians of Europe announced last week that, after much media speculation and panel show japes, China were victors in the bidding war for Greece. The auction for the ancient artefact was a secretive affair; the location and time remained undisclosed and with invites extended to only a few governments and criminal fraternities, many lesbian dykes at The Guardian wrote articles on the legality and, what is more, the morality of closed-door nation bidding with respect to the objectification of women.
Emerging from a cacophony of puns about his name, EuroGod Herman Van Rompuy appeased the hordes of student journalists and handful of 1920s pornography aficionados with a well crafted speech sung to the tune of “Mr. Bojangles”: “This was a quiet affair designed for the convenience of those interested parties. We agreed that, to maintain a consistency of travel expenses, we should host the meeting in comfortable surroundings just off the Rue de la Loi, Brussels. At the insistence of Dave [Cameron], the auction began once The X Factor had finished; he provided a platter of Waitrose vol-au-vents which appeased those of us who dislike ITV programming.”
Van Rompuy continued: “The evening’s business conducted itself with the expected formalities; some respectable bids from the Vatican City and the Bugiardini Family, an over-ambitious offer from Spain and some large sums placed by Russia and Surrey. China were always favourites and their winning bid, though substantial, was somewhat predictable.” The news will come as a disappointment to the organisers of the EuroMillions who had hoped that Greece would be donated to them as a supplementary prize for their Friday night draw. Tom Taylor
Greece steals UK’s copper wiring
There are extensive power outages across the UK after Greece struck overnight and removed Britain’s copper wiring. The Greeks were able to gain access to the country after a window was left open in Dover last evening. The raid, estimated at £8.9 billion, is the latest in a series of desperate acts carried out by the debt-ridden Greeks and follows hot on the heels of the pyramid scheme they set up, so-called because they stole the Pyramids and sold them back to Egypt. However, Stavros Lambrinidis, the Greek minister for foreign affairs, denied that his country had anything to do with the theft of Britain’s copper. Speaking from his new solid-copper foreign ministry he said, “Just because we are poor doesn’t mean we are thieves”, before adding, “now if you aren’t going to buy any copper I suggest you leave”. David Spriggs
Eurozone Crisis Speculation Political speculators were left confused and divided over the Prime Minister’s response to the question of how to solve the Eurozone crisis. According to some speculators, Mr Cameron responded to the question with the idiomatic phrase: “Elbow grease.” To others, it came across as: “Elbow Greece.” Unsure of which answer is less correct than the other, speculators have been driven into a frenzy of futile guessing.
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However there is, somehow, scope for further speculation. Other speculators have speculated that Mr Cameron actually said “Ehl boghese” “Hell bow geese” “Elle bogies” or “Make Germany accept the responsibilities they signed up for in the first place.” Edward Greenwood
Practice refuses to make Perfect until pension scheme is guaranteed
“I’d love to meet Ghaddafi”: McGuinness ruins his presidential campaign within weeks
meet, if given the opportunity. Kim’s one of them, Blaise is another. Ghaddafi’s up there, too. I love what he’s done with his regime. We’ve chatted a few times in the past on the phone, just to shore up weapons deals and whatnot, but I’d love to meet him in person.”
President of Ireland candidate, Sinn Fein member and former IRA deputy Martin McGuinness has courted controversy at a press junket this week, after inadvertently admitting that Muammar Ghaddafi, Kim Jong-Il and Omar al-Bashir were top of his list of “state leaders he would like to talk to”. Mr. McGuinness was responding to questions about hisstance on meeting with the Queen of the United Kingdom if elected, considering Sinn Fein’s refusal to take part in her visit in any capacity last year.
Martin McGuinnes is no stranger to controversy. In fact, he and controversy play golf every other Wednesday
“In my capacity as representative of the people of Ireland, I would meet all heads of state from around the world, and do that without exception,” he began in what was, initially, a positive response.
However, McGuinness continued to talk, to the amazement of the press, who had begun packing away their equipment for the day. “I’ll meet anyone. I mean anyone. There are a lot of world leaders I’d like to
After a few seconds of stunned silence, Mr. McGuinness seemed to realise the gravity of his previous comments, and left via a side exit, leaving his secretary to step in and deal with the outpouring of questions. Sinn Fein and McGuinness himself later denied ever saying that he “loved” Ghaddafi, claiming that he was misquoted, and that he had, in actuality, expressed his love for “Ghaddafi’s taste in hats.” The shamed candidate later expressed his disdain at the forty-two incorrect journalists who had attended the junket in Dublin. “You simply cannot trust the media,” said the former terrorist in a press release.
Cable apologises to bankers about “exploding WMDs” slur Business Secretary insists comment was “a figure of speech” and was “taken out of context” Weeks after accusing banking institutions of “exposing taxpayers to the risk of exploding weapons of mass destruction”, Vince Cable has issued a desperate apology to those affected, insisting that he “didn’t mean the banks were literally investing in WMDs”, and pleading with home-grown terrorists to cease their pre-emptive strikes on Canary Wharf. “No, no, I was talking figuratively about what they are doing to the nation’s economy, and what effect that could possibly have on the public. Not once did I suggest that Barclays or HSBC had bought chemical or nuclear weapons,” said the MP for Twickenham at a party conference this morning. The full and frank apology comes in the wake of firebombing attacks on the capital’s two major business sectors, with bewildered workers at Lloyd’s of London and the Bank of England having to flee the financial headquarters of the country for fear of lynching and immolation. Nicholas Leeson, chief executive of the anti-banking group Wankers of Moral Destitution, had earlier pledged to “burn all of the money in the pockets of those fat cats in London”, and refused to put a stop to terrorist activity in the capital. At the time of Mr. Cable’s announcement, the LSE had announced a sharp decline in all markets, with the exception of a brief revival in the plastic explosives market (SEMT up by 7.65) and in biological weaponry markets (WMD up by 24.24), as disgruntled guerrillas
and hardened bankers back themselves up with arms. “Either the whole situation will defuse itself, and we can laugh about it by tea-time. Or we’ll inadvertently initiate some sort of nuclear war. Hopefully it’s the former,” scoffed a pale and visibly shaking Nick Clegg.
After all those jokes about the Gherkin looking like a huge penis, the truth that it’s actually a huge nuclear missile is finally out.
Study shows reading thelemonpress.co.uk
Currency Trader Ruined After Ill-Advised Speculation On Defunct Belgian Franc
Awkwardness as Austrian Chancellor Turns up to Downing Street Drinks Many of the leading figures in international politics were aware of a slight social tension when Austrian Chancellor Werner Faymann attended an event laid on at Downing Street to which, whilst he had been invited, he was never really expected to show up to. “I did invite him to the facebook event,” confirmed David Cameron, “but really that was only because he’s friends with Angela Merkel and I didn’t want it to be like I had a problem with him or anything. I just thought it was kind of understood he wouldn’t actually show up.” According to sources Faymann spent much of the early evening wandering up to people and awkwardly trying to start conversations before retiring to a corner of the room with a glass of wine and pretending to text for the rest of the night. “At first it was like, okay maybe he is texting someone,” said Australian PM Julia Gillard. “After about half an hour though, you look over and it’s like, c’mon, give me a break.” Opinions were divided as to what caused Mr Faymann to commit the faux pax but all attendees were agreed that they had taken a mental note not to invite him to future gatherings as he couldn’t be trusted to just play by the rules unlike, “what’shis-name, the Prime Minister of Switzerland.” David Spriggs
RIOTWATCH In an act of incredibly brave journalism, The Lemon Press embedded a reporter inside a roving gang during the London riots and now you get to read about it all safe and sound. Here is a timeline of the Monday night during the riots as experienced by our undercover reporter: ◊ ◊
Receive BBM “evry1 loot a blackberry so I can bbm uz wiv instructions.” We meet up. Police come under attack as the gang throws looted bottles of red wine and packets of beef. My attempts to explain they should throw white wine instead because red wine and beef actually go quite well together are largely ignored. Frustration as we smash into what turns out to be a shop selling windows. The gang keep smashing and smashing but there is nothing worth stealing behind any of the windows. Giving up, the ringleaders go to torch the hairdressers next door only to find another group already setting fire to it. We decide we have no choice but to burn down their fire with our fire. We storm into a restaurant, terrifying the diners and at knifepoint demand to be cooked the greatest cheese soufflé of
From very early on, it was clear that rioters felt public transport was to blame for the social injustice they had endured.
◊ ◊ ◊
all time. Under pressure, the chef gets lucky. We force our way into a newsagent in search of after dinner mints. With characteristic over-ambition, one of our gang fails in a bid to steal a train. In a dark twist, one of the leaders decides to break into a residential property. A laptop is stolen and a fire is set before he realises it’s actually his house.
Our reporter, Marmité Evermead, is due to start a 3 year prison sentence
Reduction of MPs in The North influenced “by the Domesday Book” Leaked documents surfacing on political blog The Meteor have revealed that the redrawn constituency boundaries proposed by boundary commissioners are based entirely on “outdated medieval sources”. The northern regions will lose one-tenth of their Members of Parliament because, according to the Commission, The North is “simply not worth as many MPs as our southern constituencies”.
Commissioner John Lawless clearly states: “All of our documented evidence suggests that people up there just don’t care for politics that much. It would therefore be a waste of Parliament seats to send politicians up there to attempt to govern that unruly mob.” The report then points out the latest elected MP for The North, Robert Comines, was brutally massacred with his counsellors at Durham, a fate that had already befallen nine other MPs in the previIn a confidential report de- ous five years. tailing their decision, Head
increases virility, attractiveness
When asked via Twitterabout the striking similarities between his most recent report and those of a survey undertaken in the 11th century, Lawless replied: “Seems like an error on behalf of one of our junior researchers. She must have mistaken a “0” for a “9” perhaps. Apologies for the misinformation.” However, the Commission refused toapologise for earlier remarks about the “barbaric and illiterate shack-dwellers” of The North, nor did they amend their constituency boundaries to rectify their grievous error. Craig Dobson
Right wing think tank claims that climate change scientists “are just wearing extra layers”
Bets off on Whirlwind in Westminster Clegg admits that he is “punching above his weight”
Political lightweight Nick “The Clout” Clegg has admitted to Liberal Democrat fans and political analysts that he is “punching above his weight” ahead of his much-hyped showdown with David “Cutman” Cameron this winter. At a packed press conference in Birmingham, Clegg went against all typical pre-fight etiquette, displaying a lack of confidence and frankly admitting that he’s going into the fight, a scheduled 12-round bout for the NHS Reform title, as the underdog. Despite being named as “the most dangerous politician in Britain” by The Sun, Clegg still acknowledged that himself and his team were on a hiding to nothing. “We’ll fight tooth and nail, even if we are punching above our weight,” the sheepish MP for Sheffield Hallam promised. “To be honest, it’s a horrifically mismatched fight. He’s in decent shape, and has entrenched support. My own camp doesn’t even like me.” A frail and exasperated Clegg then admitted: “To top it all off, I’m a lightweight. This is three divisions higher than I should be fighting at. Dave’s a
heavyweight. He’ll pummel me into the floor, won’t he? I should never have accepted this fight last May.” Fight promoter Iain Duncan Smith later dismissed Clegg’s suggestion of an unfair fight, retorting: “He shouldn’t have talked the talk if he couldn’t walk the walk.” Bookmakers have slashed their odds on “The Clout” winning by split decision, with most political commenta-
tors predicting a knockout for the blue corner in the early rounds. The exhibition will take place from mid-October, shown exclusively on BBC Parliament Fight Night. Ed Miliband is set to appear on the undercard. Despite not having an opponent, analysts suggest that he will tire himself out with wild flurries and claims early on, before knocking himself out in the later rounds.
Boris Itinerary Error Ends in Tragedy A man has died in a south London hospital after an aide to Boris Johnson mistakenly put Boris’ visit to St Stephens hospital down in the mayor’s diary as an inner city hockey game to increase youth interest in the Olympics. “Boris is very enthusiastic, particularly about the Olympics, but he’s not always the most observant” confided a senior source “and once he thought he was in a hockey game, he was off”. Mr Johnson entered the hospital by talking with terminally ill patients. “They say it’s only a matter of months” wheezed one, “yes” replied Boris “but then the waiting will be over and we can
all have a three week party”. The mayor was then ushered into another ward and, on seeing an IV drip stand, his boyish keenness kicked in and he turned it upside down and flicked items that vaguely resembled hockey balls around the room. Taking an apple out of a gift basket, he propelled it fiercely across the room, knocking out the wires of a life support machine of a critically ill man. Doctors tried their best to save the patient but were delayed by Boris’ demands to get them to form an impromptu bobsleigh team down the hospital ramps. David Spriggs
Boris later disassembled an MRI machine so that he could repurpose the parts to practice weightlifting
e-coupon for free issue of Nouse;
Wolf in sheep’s clothing reconsiders disguise when he realises sheep don’t wear clothes
Like politics, only without the politics Health Protection Agency fears university outbreak of weasels
The Health Protection Agency has expressed urgent concern over a potential winter outbreak of weasels on university campuses up and down the country. Cases over the past year have doubled, leading experts to believe that many more students are at risk. Dr Ermine Wiesel of the HPA said: “Weasels can be fatal. Weburge all students to make sure they are up to date with their MMR (Mink, Mice and Rodent) vaccinations. Should you come down with a case of the weasels, we urge you to call an Ear, Nose and Stoat doctor, isolate yourself if possible and do not squeeze any sores that may appear as popping the weasels can lead to further infection.” The disease is often mistaken for the much rarer Stoated Thrombodiuresis (Stoatism or STD) but the HPA insists that “Weasels are easily identified while Stoatism is stoatally different.” A public health campaign featuring Harry Potter star Rupert Grint will be released in October to help prevent misdiagnosis and confusion. Symptoms include: + Fever + Twitchy nose + A fine, fur like rash + Changes in behaviour (Primarily abandoning earlier commitments) Rosa Wright
HORRIFIC SPIDER GENOCIDE IN SOMERSET GARAGE Reports are flooding in to The Lemon Press offices of the atrocious slaughter of hundreds of spiders in a Somerset residence’s adjoining garage. The mayor of the spider community, Mr. Montague P. Spiderson, has declared the surrounding areas of the garage a state of emergency. “We don’t have exact numbers,” Mayor Spiderson has reported, “but we know that the majority of our people have been thoughtlessly killed by these heartless humans.” Sources have identified the attackers as the Kennedy sisters, the daughters of the property owners. According to rumour, the young women were assigned the task of clearing out the garage by their parents. “Absolute mayhem has fallen on our homeland. Families have been split apart, homes destroyed, and lives ended. Few spiders have managed to escape the horror and are seeking refuge in neighboring garages and the wilderness of the garden.” Mrs. Priscilla Q. Scarybottom, a spider mother of 844, has told The Lemon Press that she witnessed her newest egg sac being forcibly removed and destroyed by the sucking machine of the Kennedy sisters. “My children were murdered before they were borned, I tells ya. Hoovered with no care or shame.” Mayor Spiderson bravely assembled the Terrifyingly Large Spider Brigade at the most terrifying hour of the massacre to defend the spiders against the Kennedy sisters. Sgt. Reginald F. Legseverywhere has been accredited with the action which ended the day’s genocide. He bravely leapt from the ceiling onto the arm of the eldest Kennedy sister who promptly declared that they “take a break” after screaming for a solid 13 minutes. Assistance has been sought from other regional spider brigades, hoping that if the sisters were to return soon that they could be stopped again through similar courageous actions. It is at this point indeterminable if the killings have ended or if at any point the Kennedys will return. This is the worst spider genocide reported from the Somerset area since the Miller Guestroom Killings of 2007. Ellen Larson
Dictionary Corner with Cieran Douglass
visit thelemonpress.co.uk for yours
10% work, 90% iPlayer.
Let’s go to Ziggy’s!
I have lost all sense of shame.
Let’s go to Willow!
I have lost all sense of self-worth as a human.
Report: It’s Most Definitely Your Turn To Do The Washing Up
Parents defend Cage-Fighting After the recent furore over children taking part in Cage Fighting at a Labour Club in Preston recently, Parents’ Groups up and down the country have come out in defence of the practice, calling it, “a necessary part of growing up.” “A lot of people think we shouldn’t be exposing children to Cage Fighting at such a young age, that it is a risk to their development,” Michael Frost, representative of Cage Fighting for Infants told The Lemon Press. “The truth is the earlier we get them started on this sort of thing the safer it will be for them later in life when they have to actually fight Nicolas Cage.” Nicolas Cage is just one of number of actors targeted by the MMA (Maul Malevolent Actors) movement. The Oscar winning actor (That’s right, Nicolas Cage has an Oscar. For Best Actor no less.) is arguably at the forefront of the most well known variation, which includes LaBeouf Boxing and Reeves Wrestling. “Cage Fighting used to be a pastime solely of the older generation, as only we could truly loathe him enough to want to fight him. However, with recent abominations such as National Treasure and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice being marketed towards kids, they too need to be allowed to vent their uninhibited anger at Nicolas Cage’s dire attempts at acting.” The Lemon Press approached Nicolas Cage, but he declined to comment on the issue. Or maybe he was nursing an injured puppy back to health. Or he was having a great day out at the zoo. Or he was grieving at a funeral. We couldn’t really be sure.
Parlez-vous Francais? Probably not, after recent studies have revealed that British teaching of foreign languages is almost the worst in the worldsecond only to America, which isn’t really anything to be proud of. The report, compiled by Professor S. Chad-Enfreude of Berlin has prompted widespread outcry from parents and teachers alike, who are demanding a change in curriculum. However British Education Minister Keith Dullard has been swift to respond to the reports, claiming that the “current curriculum is firmly based in French Culture, with aspects derived from Descartes’ seminal work “où est mon stylo?” and of course Émile Zola’s recently discovered masterpieces: “J’ai une pomme de terre” and “ouvrir la fenêtre’.” French Education Minister Pierre L’Escargoat was also prompt in his response, possibly declaring the British education system “outdated and behind the rest of Europe” before lambasting Mr
New jaguar plant to create hundreds of new jobs for Britons A new factory opening outside of Wolverhampton in 2014 will provide up to seven hundred Britons with a new job: manufacturing and rebuilding jaguars. Conservation organisation WWF have stumped up a reported £355m to fund the construction of the plant, which will effectively piece together new jaguars out of reconstituted pieces of other cats, in a desperate effort to keep the large feline off the threatened species list. Performance director Ilya Ivanov called the project “a wonderful idea”, dismissing speculation that the patchwork jaguars would not be able to reproduce, would result in the harsh treatment of hundreds of stray cats, and may not even make it past the initial reconstruction stages. “So what if it has the heart of a Manx and the organs of an American Shorthair? Its brain is all jaguar. Well, mostly,” said the brilliant scientist. However, the admissions of some Midlands workers have raised fresh concerns amongst some conservationists, with one man from Solihull freely admitting: “I don’t even know what a jaguar looks like. Never seen one in my life. Do I look like the sort that watches that white beardy animal lover on telly for fun?” Another production line runner from Redditch was cautiously optimistic about the chances of success. “Okay, very few of us have ever seen one, but the blueprints are set to arrive over the next few months. These guys are professionals, they’ll know what to do. If they look anything like panthers, we’ll be just fine.” The government, whilst applauding the efforts of the WWF, reassured the general public that the jaguars would only be made available to wealthy enclosure owners in the Americas, and would not be released in the United Kingdom. Craig Dobson
Dullard (We think?). We managed to get a brief interview with Mr L’Escargoat, but regrettably we were unable to garner any new information on the matter. We were however able to determine that Mr L’Escargoat lives in the countryside, has two daughters, a dog and a cat and last year went on holiday to the beach. We gave Mr L’Escargoat a free teach yourself English CD in the hopes that he might do the right thing and learn English like everyone else. Tim Godfrey
The lols don’t stop here, there:
“I remember when this was all fields,” says old man who smells of wee
by Olivia Waring
The one who is always sick out of the taxi window
3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
The one who is a hipster pillock
The one who is a staunch feminist and member of the proletariat The one with a machete in his/her room The one who is never there The one who will, inevitably, steal your food The “LAAAAAAAAAD” The thespian The vegan fascist The nonchalant, naked black guy
Answers upside down at the bottom of the page, just to make it more difficult/awkward for you cheaters out there.
Things you don’t want to hear your new flatmate say: 5) I might be missing something here but I can’t seem to find any of you guys on Friendster? 4) I’m pretty easy going. As long as no one touches my food. Or looks at my food. Or thinks about the part of the fridge my food is in. 3) Oh you didn’t go on a gap year? That’s okay. No, that’s a perfectly fine choice too. 2) I’d love to talk but I don’t actually know any words in English? Bit annoying that. 1) I can tell I’m going to come to think of you guys as my new family (pause) I hate my family.
Embarrassment As Members Of Drum Circle Forget Not To Be In Drum Circle
Now that we have your attention with seldom-seen colour, here are some articles to cater to your satirical needs...
FRESHER’S GUIDE to things that will likely go over your head
A lot of you reading this will be freshers. Hello freshers! Ironically you don’t smell particularly fresh at all. Don’t worry, it’s probably just nervous sweat because you’re worried that you don’t get a lot of the references you’ve either read in here or been told by your STYCs. It is vital that you understand these references ASAP so as not to upset the status quo. Never fear though, for I am here to explain most, if not all, of them. Brian Cantor Brian Cantor is the Vice-Chancellor of the University of York. People don’t like him because they think he gets paid too much to do a job which to be honest could be really hard for all I know. Basically, any time people want an authority figure to mock, Cantor is their man. I mean, just look at his stupid face. Assuming the editors added a picture next to this. If they didn’t, then just imagine his stupid face or find it somewhere else in the magazine and look at it. What a dick. Maybe. The Lake The lake is proably a health hazard to all of us. I heard a rumour there’s a car in there but I don’t know for certain. I mean, if nothing else, it’s a large, stagnant pool of water full of goose shit. Oh, speaking of… The Geese You have probably seen the geese and if you haven’t then you’ve probably heard them. They are everywhere and they are really annoying. For some reason, the ducks don’t get as much grief. Perhaps you freshers could change that and make geese more popular than ducks. Don’t though. DO NOT UPSET THE STATUS QUO. Clemo Clemo was the captain of last year’s University Challenge team that managed to lose the competition too late for any of us to give them any pity. I mean, if they’d lost in the first or second round we’d have said, “Aw, well done for trying anyway,” but to get all the way to the final and lose is unforgivable. He garnered a cult following last year, but then he lost and we all hated him. I don’t even know if he’s still at the University but if anybody asks you hate him and everything he stands for.
The Library The library is undergoing renovations and if campus media is to be believed these renovations will never ever be completed. I’m sure things will be a lot better this year and you’ll probably go into the library and think, “Ooh, this is quite nice,” and if we’re being honest last year it was at worst mildly inconvenient, but even still you should probably complain about how it’s so loud and that there isn’t enough study space just to be on the safe side. Heslington East I’m willing to wager a fair number of you have never been and never will go to Heslington East. It’s because it’s pretty far away. Not astronomically far away, but a lot of people seem to think that the University just stops at Heslington Hall. If you go further east, though, you’ll find Heslington East. The clue is in the name. If you happen to live on Heslington East, be prepared to have everyone else you meet ask you how far away it is repeatedly. I lived there last year personally, but I’ll probably ask you how far away it is anyway just in cases things have changed. They better not have. THE STATUS QUO MUST BE ENFORCED. Craig Dobson One day last year Craig Dobson got some ice cream but it tasted like cheese, so he bought some orange juice to cheer himself up and a Feast lolly to have afterwards, but the orange juice had bits in it and he doesn’t like bits and then he dropped the Feast on the ground. I’ll be honest, this story isn’t a particularly big deal on campus, I just wanted to remind Craig of that hilarious day because I’m cruel. Martel Oh man, Martel. What a guy. Smart, funny and sexy. The man, the myth, the legend.
This guide is dedicated to Martel, who died seconds before we went to print
Filling The Void With Slander:
Rocket scientists admit having brain surgery to increase intelligence
Yorkshire Lass About Town Researched and written by Eugenia von Mitten When The Lemon Press asked me to sample the variety of nocturnal treats York has to offer, I felt a sense of trepidation; it is of course a quaint and charming city, but there are a lot of a certain type of people there. That is to say, people of the North. However, when the editors threw a complimentary Evil Eye cocktail into the bargain, I agreed. I can’t abide the buses around York, least of all those vulgar purple ones, so I hopped in a taxi. After a quick strawberry beer in The Hansom Cab, with its rosy-cheeked locals and delightful musty odours, I headed out, wondering what the night had in store. Mickelgate was my first destination. The steep incline and cobbles were not too kind to my new heels. My mood was lifted though when I heard that York’s most frequented club was in fact a mansion! I could hardly contain my excitement. Presumably one of the Yorkshire aristocracy had decided to welcome students into his abode to lecture them on the merits of fox-hunting
or some other matter. I followed a hen night to the proposed nightclub, only to find they had led me to some terraced building on a high street by a Mexican restaurant and an Oxfam. I tried to explain their folly to them, but the little harlots just hurried off into the queue and disappeared. With sore feet and a heavy heart, I journeyed on to Reflex, the eighties bar. It had a real je ne said quoi. I found the atmosphere refreshing; it was a thoughtful celebration of a time far simpler than our own. I bought a pair of novelty glasses. The achingly beautiful Nordic tones of A-ha filled the air; the myriad disco lights created an ethereal rainbow patchwork over the heads of the crowd. The revolving dance floor, a stroke of kitsch genius, was so packed that I just managed to squeeze on to the edge. Unfortunately, my enjoyment was marred when one my fellow revolvees pinched my behind. I didn’t get a look at the culprit. A little later, as I made my way over to the bucking bronco, I was accosted by half a dozen Vikings clutching blue WKDs. One of the
more spirited Vikings asked me to “pull his beard”. I curtly declined. Just then I noticed one of the locals, a rotund fellow who had been loitering under the fresco of David Hasselhoff, was doing something indecent to himself. The delicate nostalgic romance of the place was irrevocably sullied. I made a swift exit. By this stage, I was ready for some chamomile tea and a hot water bottle. Press on, press on, I told myself. Some York St John’s students were heading to a place called Willow. I tagged along. We got into the place easily as the bouncers were busy beating up a passing pensioner. And lo, we found ourselves in the infamous restaurantturned-club, a sort of post-apocalyptic ghost-ship managed by Chinese people. The designers had obviously gone for that oh-so-on-trend distressed look, that effortless prawn cracker chic. A young man dressed as a dalek bought me three tequila shots. Needless to say, he got a little too friendly during Barbie Girl and I ended the night pitifully alone with a polystyrene tray of pommes-deterre and gravy.
Dictionary Corner Lake The North’s largest open-air cesspit Derwent Pile of rubble and asbestos outside Heslington Hall Langwith
Hes East Where? The South Civilisation Efes
The food of gods
Advice to those on diets: If you must eat ice cream: Try to eat around the fat
Fresher Ostracised for lack of Pokemon Knowledge
FRESHER’S GUIDE to waking up
With late nights and early lectures, many freshers may find that they struggle to get up when they need to. Never fear, we have put together 10 handy suggestions for making sure you wake up on time: 1. 2.
Set your alarm to play a song you hate Sometimes you Set your housemate’s alarm to play a song last in jeans, but they hate and hope they come in to yell at you about it while you’re asleep. sometimes your 3. Somehow start a rumour that slapping you fat wins out... while you’re asleep brings good luck. 4. Set your alarm to play hurtful comments about your recent weight gain. 5. Tip off the police that there’ll be a big drug deal going down in your room at 8am. N.B Do not do this if the reason you need to get up is because you are doing a drug deal. 6. Become at one with the animals and have an array of tiny birds sing you awake. N.B. Check your tenancy agreement to see if you’re allowed to keep an array of tiny birds. 7. Go to bed early. Haha, only joking. You should see the look on your face. 8. If you have to be up for a lecture, why not go to sleep in the lecture hall and get woken up by a cleaner and/or when the lecture starts? It’s called forward planning, you should try it sometime. 9. This tip might sound tricky but it can be very effective if pulled off correctly. Set up an elaborate contraption that harnesses the power of your morning erection to lift a string that knocks textbooks off your table onto one half of a pair of scales, launching the trainers you have placed on the other half of the scales into the air, knocking down a line of dominoes that end up lightly twirling a pole suspended from the ceiling into a bucket of water, tipping the bucket over and splashing water onto your face. Voila, fresh and awake! 10. When your girlfriend wakes up at 7.50 get up with her instead of going back to sleep for ten more minutes.
First year Langwith student, Daniel Oldman, finds himself excluded from polite society after unleashing a shocking revelation upon his fellow housemates. It was all going well between Daniel and his new housemates - each had successfully managed to ask each other where they were from, which course they were studying, as well as passing comment on one another’s accent, as is required by fresher law. However after these polite introductions (and several pints of afternoon Foster’s) conversation turned to their respective childhoods and thus, inevitably, Pokémon. “He looked rather uncomfortable from the beginning,” Charlotte Hawking, an Archaeologist from Buckinghamshire, told us. “As soon as Pokémon came up. It looked like he was trying to hide something terrible from us, as if he was smuggling drugs or something. I… He… It was much worse.” When asked which Pokémon he would most like to be, he told his astonished friends “oh, I... I know the yellow one. Him.” The correct answer was, of course, Charizard. Daniel is currently waiting while the University considers disciplinary measures. Jamie Gallimore
Reading lists: the truth
What they want you to read:
What you could just read instead:
The Anglo-Saxons - Frank Stenton
Terry Jones’ Medieval Lives - Terry Jones
Empire, the Rise and Demise of the British World Order and the Lessons for Global Power - Niall Ferguson
Barmy British Empire - Terry Deary
Chapter 4: Foreign Policy, in The History of the Reign of the Emperor Charles the Fifth - William Hickling Prescott
Episode 1.03: “Wolsey, Wolsey, Wolsey!”, The Tudors by Showtime (BBC2)
Primary and secondary background reading
Did we mention the all-new content?
“There’s gold in them thar hills” claims yet another old man who smells of wee
New Lemon Press Feature: Public proposal
Laura Pacheco, will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me? Andy Will Laura say yes? The Lemon Press writers give their predictions: NO “What kind of person proposes to somebody via an ad The Lemon Press? I mean, I‟m glad of the money he paid us but c‟mon, you can‟t do that.” - Craig Dobson NO “Disastrous idea. Imagine having your good name next to something written in this piece of crap. You can never undo that you know.” – Rosa Wright ??? “As I‟ve been trying to tell you, I don‟t go to University any more. It‟s completely inappropriate to keep contacting me at work like this.” – Dave Walker MAYBE “You know people scoff at things like this but the truth is that almost anything has a chance of happening, we just can‟t know for sure. We‟re talking about the possibility of alien life forms, right? What? Oh, in that case can I change my answer to „no‟?” – Charles Deane
Sober Man Having Sex With Drunk Girlfriend Re-Evaluates All Drunk Sex
Ellen Larson helps you find love and other things STYC seeking naive fresher for sex. Do not ask me for my mobile number. Nigerian royal prince seeks kind person to accept large bank deposit. Please send account details. Oh, loud American girl in Courtyard, how I adore you and the way you start every sentence with “Where I’m from...” Woman seeking Gilbert and Sullivan Society. I totally didn’t know you existed and now we must be together! To the sleeping brunette who left headprints on the bus window: be mine.
Al hombre guapo en LFA Spanish 1 que termina cada palabra inglesa con O para hacerla ‘Spanishy’ debemos ser ‘together-o’. First year Halifaxer looking for his crush to make the first move. I hope. Twelve-year-old girl desperately seeking new BFFL after most recent one turned out to be a frenemy lol. Langwith Fresher seeks mattress without bloodstains. Ginger girl seeking man with blue box. I’ve been waiting all my life for you.
Second-year female searching for hot guy who used to work in V-Bar. Did he graduate or something? Fresher standing outside Evil Eye looking for The Willow. My housemates headed out while I was in the loo. Goodricke student looking for a good time, sailor. Three drunken men seeking Christian Society’s rumoured late-night toastie hand-outs. The Lemon Press seeks new members in general. Don’t join Vision or we’ll cry lots.
Dear Uncle Gaz… With the sad departure of Aunty Raz last issue, we are pleased to introduce our new Agony Aunt, Uncle Gaz. He was the best we could do on such short notice.
Dear Uncle Gaz, I’m worried that my new flatmates are drinking too much. They drink to excess every night and I’m pretty sure I saw one of them drink a six pack in the shower. Of wine. I didn’t even know they did those. How do I raise the issue without offending them? That’s a good question. In my experience, drunk people don’t take criticism so well… So tell your flatmates they are ridiculous. That should work. Or stop complaining. Both are good. Dear Aunty Raz, My girlfriend is kind of rubbish. How can I break up with her like a gentleman?
What? Aunty Raz? We ‘retired’ her last issue. I’m the agony aunt now! It says that up there! Look, we appreciate your loyalty to the magazine but half the people reading this won’t even know who that is. Get with the times, man! Crimony. Oh, I dunno, just give her a bunch of dead roses or something, I don’t care. Dear Uncle Gaz, My best friend from childhood went to Lancaster University and I feel like we’re beginning to drift apart. To begin with, we kept in contact, and even met up a few times. We had a good laugh, like that time when we were five and she got stuck-I do not give a crap. Could not give one single crap. If I had a mountain of crap, a literal, steaming pile of crap, on my lawn, and someone offered to get rid of that crap if I would continue to listen to that story, I would not give that crap. I would keep that crap, in order to avoid having to endure more of this. Sever all ties with this friend so I never have to hear about this again. Dear Uncle Gaz, I’m beginning to think that everyone is robots. What do I do? Oh, for crying out loud.
You can ‘like’ thelemonpress.co.uk on facebook,
Bastard Lemon Press Writers Graduate, Leave Me To Do All The Work
Trendwatch: Relationship References It has long been considered de rigour for potential employers to ask a candidate for a job for a reference from a previous employer. This practice has also spread to many landlords and housemates who ask for references before agreeing to let a prospective tenant move in. Now a new trend is for girls to ask guys for references from their previous girlfriends before they’ll go out with them. In the interests of enlightening our readership about this new trend I have decided to make this reference from my ex-girlfriend available to the public: Daniel is a great boyfriend. He is smart, caring and loyal. Please do not be perturbed that this is also how I describe my dog. Spending time with him is a delight and, while some would say he is completely preoccupied with his fantasy football team, I disagree. Anyway, I could listen to him talk about it for hours at a time. I have always been comfortable with the length of time he goes between shaving, especially because of the completely normal and even way his facial hair grows out. Daniel is great in bed. He has no weird sexual things. I would describe the amount of porn he watches as “healthy” and not as “destructive to our relationship”. I really value the time Daniel and I were in a relationship. While it was a bitter blow when he broke up with me I couldn’t help but admire how sensitively and charmingly he handled the whole thing and I now regret telling all our friends that I broke up with him and he fell to his knees crying and holding onto my legs. That was a lie. I guess I must have taken it pretty badly all the same though because I ended up gaining absolutely loads of weight and acting like a complete slut while he has done the completely respectful thing and not hooked up with a girl since. Anna
The things you will probably hear yourself saying in the next 24 hours Aquarius: “Oh $@*!, I just squashed a hedgehog underfoot!” Cancer: “Erm, yeah. Crabs.” Virgo: “That was delicious! Mmmm. Potatoes.” Taurus: “A spectre is haunting Europe -- the spectre of communism. All the powers of old Europe have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre: Pope and Tsar, Metternich and Guizot, French Radicals and German police-spies. Where is the party in opposition that has not been decried as communistic by its opponents in power? Where is the opposition that has not hurled back the branding reproach of communism, against the more advanced opposition parties, as well as against its reactionary adversaries?”
Leo: “Hello.” Sagittarius: “I‟m so sick of having to go to the toilet.” Scorpio: “How was it for you?” Capricorn: “Meh.” Gemini: “I’ll have the tripe pâté and the pheasant rump. No anchovies.” Libra: “HEEERRRRRREEEEE‟S JOHHNNNNYYYY!!!!!!” Pisces: “The giant talking genitals cast a foreboding shadow over the evening, a shadow to which Sir Archibald could not turn a blind eye.” Aries: “Once you go black, you never go back!
The Lemon Press’ own Olivia Waring hit her head and now she thinks she’s Mystic Meg. We decided to take advantage of this while she’s still seeing stars.
or anywhere, really.
dlǝɥ puǝs uʍop ǝpısdn ʞɔnʇs sı pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ʎW
Dear The Lemon Press… Where we pretend to care what you think
em@ils Dear sir/madam,
Dear The Lemon Press,
Congratulations! As you may or may not remember you entered into the Portuguese lottery and I am pleased to announce to you winnings of several million euros! To claim your prize please furnish me with your bank account number, sort code etc.
You should see this girl I am checking out in the Library. She has legs up to her hips. I know people normally say ‘legs up to her neck’ but what’s so sexy about horrible genetic mutations?
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Paul Stephens, Halifax Dear The Lemon Press, I agreed to give £8 a month to sponsor a child in Africa and I was then sent pictures of him as an update to his progress. I was shocked to discover that despite all my sponsorship money, my name was nowhere to be seen on any of his clothing. What a con!
Jon Riggle, Goodricke
This day just keeps getting better and better.
Dear The Lemon Press,
Dear The Lemon Press,
I don't believe anyone really writes in to The Lemon Press. Please stop this charade at once.
I had a furious objection to something printed in your magazine and I was wondering if one of your readers could help me remember what that was. Rita McCarthy, Vanbrugh Dear The Lemon Press, I would like to express my dismay that, due to the superficial nature of our society, only fatties will sleep with me. Vladimir Margot, James
Henrietta Von Wipplebaum, Derwent You have 24 hours to leave the money under the bridge in a plain manila envelope. If you ever want to see your daughter again then DO NOT contact the police. For proof that we have her, we enclose her index finger with this note. Oops! Looks like a case of mis-delivered post!
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Controversy over new Avon Eugenics range
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Available: 4 year old playful German Shepherd to good owner or anyone at all For sale:
ULTRA-RARE Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon first edition album SIGNED by all the members of Led Zeppelin!
Quick-fire sale: 200 iphones, 10 televisions, 2 police batons. Had since early August. Seek discreet buyer. No questions asked. £500.
Seeking a sensual massage from highly skilled Russian women? Then don’t call us, we’re a brothel. 0205 567 020
Lazy Jehovah’s witness seeks non-followers to knock at my door for canvassing and a leaflet.
Used car for sale. Ford Focus. Blue. Some scratches. Broken mirror. Blood splashes. Some hair and teeth in grill.
breasts bigger, other unsubstantiated claims
D-bar open mic night sees record 43 renditions of ‘Hey There Delilah’
Jonathan Cridford interviews…
Caligula’s Jockstrap Of late we have seen a renaissance in lo-fi culture; by which
we refer to highly intellectual, solitary undergraduates locked away in their rooms, recording music on makeshift instruments. Inspired by the writings of J.D. Salinger and a surly, unrelenting grip on estrangement, Caligula’s Jockstrap are grouchy, overly-literate troupe slowly taking over the local music scene. From behind a shower-curtain, LP interviews members Dominic Charter and George Kelly. Your name is certainly original. How did it come about? Kelly: It was a joke between me and me really. It’s quite meaningful in its own way. You’ve been inspired by Salinger’s ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ I believe?
made the high-hat sound by whistling into a paper cup and the bass drum sound by smashing my head on my bed post repeatedly. There are no lyrics on this record…
Charter: Personally rather than musically; people never notice anything, I spend a lot of time in my room. ‘The Great Gatsby’ definitely affected me, it taught me a lot about being miserable for no reason.
Charter: Communicating to others is not a strong point. My first girlfriend went on holiday to Cornwall and I took two trains and a bus to ring and see if she got there safely, that informed a lot of the keyboard parts.
Your music doesn’t fit into one distinct category. Is it true you just invent genres to sound impressive?
There are some attempts at humour on the record, was it difficult to break the old routine?
Charter: Really…I wouldn’t say it’s hard to define. I would say we’re akin to post-minimal-hardcore-no-wave-dream-pop; it’s a new sound we’re creating.
Kelly: Humour…that’s an interesting concept – I like the idea of it more than I actually like it. ‘Gee Whiz Guys…but the World is a Chore’ saw us dealing with notions of positivity and joyousness, which until recently, were completely alien to us. It was nice to experiment.
The percussion is interesting on this release, could you elaborate on that? *sighs* Kelly: Well, I knew everyone in my school, not through popularity, but close-proximity demographics. There was a girl in my English class whom could tap-dance; I set up a Panasonic tape recorder in the sports hall with an extension chord and recorded her feet. I sampled it on a mini moog I bought at a car boot sale, Singles out this week I’m Running A Bit Late, Please Bear With Me – You Me At Roughly Quarter Past Eight Berkshire Blues - We’d Rather Not Offend You As We’re Really Quite Pleasant, Yes? Apocalyptic Indigestion – Jimmy Eat World How To Build Yourself A Cupboard Of Sadness – Nine Inch Nails CMe2NiTe4LuV – We’re Not Scientists, We’re Bad Lyricists
Any final comments? Charter, Kelly: Yes, you’re not a typical music fan. You’ve got long hair, a tan and a t-shirt saying ‘PLUG IN, ROCK OUT’. For example, where are your Woody Allen glasses, your reindeer jumper, and your book of introspective poetry, why aren’t you boasting about the classics you’ve read? It’s all wrong. Albums out at some point in time Redundant in Summer – Snow Patrol Third Time Lucky – Plan C Who Framed Dick Dastardly? – The Pigeon Detectives The Seldom Seen Body Part – Ankle We Only Sound Good Because The Media Tells You So - Placebo Valhalla is a Discotheque - Norse Hula Dubstep Horses ft. WonderElk
thelemonpress.co.uk may contain further hilarity,
Discharge and The Cure headline STI Awareness concert
CAMPUS FILMS Now showing in P/X/001
Langwithnail and I
V for Vanbrugh
Wild Wild Wentworth
The tale of a drama student struggling to get his big break in a DramaSoc production, whilst lumbered with his perennially drunk friend, who spends more time in The Courtyard than he does at Literature seminars.
Vigilante residents of the college join forces and don Kallum Taylor masks, partaking in a number of terrorist acts against the oppressive University government. Operatives sabotage the laser printer and steal Brian Cantor’s hair in a heroic yet ultimately futile attempt to force the Union to renovate V-Bar.
This ironically titled coming of age comedy follows the exploits of two unlikely friends, a Chemistry graduate and a Sociology lecturer, as they team up in their quest to deep clean the kitchen after a Westernthemed night of debauchery. The climactic showdown with a slightly larger than usual spider is not to be missed.
A strange man winds up at the campus health centre, claiming to have studied at a special institution in Halifax College, and states that he, along with one other resident, will leave for Oxbridge on July 27th. Psychologists predict that the man is neurotic. In a tearjerking finale, he leaves, along with one extremely reluctant hostage, to study at York St. John.
A Computer Science whizzkid hacks into James College’s databases for cheap thrills. The boy cancels half of all international student applications, and reassigns the other half to live in Halifax. The situation escalates, culminating in a state of war existing between the University and the world. The boy must race to prevent a full-scale nuclear war, and, most importantly, expulsion.
A terrifying mutant, exposed to excessive amounts of lake water and asbestos in the 1960s, is unleashed on campus after someone absent-mindedly leaves the Common Room door ajar. The monster uses its undergraduate survival skills to hunt down and kill those responsible, including his old room-mate and conspicuous administrative figures. And a few kids in the halls of residence. Just because it can.
The Goodricke Shepherd A political thriller, following the creation of YUSU’s counter-intelligence bureau in 1961, charting its rise at the hands of liberals, its bloody fall at the hands of pirates, and its cautious steps towards a brighter future. Incorporates key events in York’s chequered past, including the bureau’s attempted hit on Bob Geldof after the infamous Boomtown Rats gig, and their deliberate concealment of knowledge prior to the failed Bay of Geese invasions of Heslington East. TLP
Chasing Alcuin A historically inaccurate comedy. Lonely ruler Charles the Great, tiring of his concubines, his conquests and his illiterate subjects, sets his sights on young church prodigy Alcuin of York, pursuing him across Europe with his amorous advances, attempting to seduce the priest into joining his worldly court. Contains scenes of a sexual nature.
Countdown: The top 5 worst video adaptations of films
#3 The Shawshank Redemption (SNES, Mega Drive, 1994) Despite its award-winning pedigree, the game conversion fared poorly, with critics blaming a number of issues that blighted the technologically limited retelling of a dramatic story. The heart-warming dialogue between main characters Andy and Red lost its impact when rendered in scrolling text, and the gameplay was criticised for its “repetitive rock-carving minigames, and its unrelenting focus on pressing one button over and over to dig yourself a tunnel”. The digitised polyphonic rendition of Mozart’s Figaro was the final note in this videogaming symphony of atrocity. The sequel, a business simulation following the exploits of the pair in Zihuatanejo, was promptly canned.
please consult your doctor
Jailbroken iPhone Finally Reincarcerated By Apple Police
Light: Slow and steady wins the race
Fragsoc Ends “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Policy on Girls
Nation Goes Bonkers For Conkers
Following startling results at CERN which suggest that some sub-atomic particles may travel faster than the speed of light, Light itself has revealed the cause of this strange anomaly.
Fragsoc, the University of York’s LAN and gaming society, has as of today began accepting girls into its ranks with no threat of discrimination. While not an official policy due to union guidelines, in practice the society has been discriminating against girls since its inception in 2007, simply by leering at them and attempting to scare them off with “computery” terms.
Leading scientists have warned that once again the United Kingdom has become a victim of the rare conker based disease Conkerus Insanitus.
“Usain Bolt can run 100m in under 10 seconds. Do you think if you asked him to run 1000m he’d do it in under 100 seconds? Of course not! He couldn’t keep up that pace for so long. It’s the same thing here. I’ve been travelling at the speed of light for billions of years. I’m allowed to slow down after a while. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.” Light’s fellow electromagnetic waves agreed. “Sound travels much slower than light but he doesn’t get this sort of grief,” opined Microwaves. “With the steroids rampant in the sub-atomic universe these days, it’s no wonder they’re overtaking the rest of us.” UV Waves were conspicuously absent from the press conference, although they were spotted elsewhere at a bowling alley, in Willow and maybe in Efes, although we can’t entirely be sure what the bulbs in those bug-zappers are exactly. Charles Deane
In 2009 this policy was softened (partly after a particularly embarrassing incident with one of the society’s many long haired men) to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, in which no girl would be explicitly turned away unless she was found to be spraying air freshener or turning up to a LAN party having showered within the last week. Chairman David “Cosmo” George said of the policy that while he “regretted” the policy of his predecessors, he hoped the society could now “look forward to a world in which women could spar with men as equals.” Despite the policy change, no girls have actually come forward, and George stated he does not anticipate it will affect the planned “Sausagefest 2011” event. Cieran Douglass
“Every year the media likes to play this up like it’s a good thing thanks to the easy rhyming scheme they can create in headlines,” Professor Nicholas Edwards, head of the National Society for the Control of Chestnut Based Illnesses, told The Lemon Press, “but this is a serious issue that must be addressed. People think that having Conker fights is just a harmless past time, but it is actually incredibly dangerous. Every year thousands of children run to the countryside searching for conkers, subconsciously attracted by trace amounts of the spores in the air. When they crack them open, these spores are released en masse and can cause serious damage. We are not asking people to wear goggles to protect their eyes from broken conkers, it’s because that is the area where these dangerous spores can most easily enter the body.” Symptoms of Conkerus Insanitus include euphoria, excitement and an overwhelming desire to roast things over open fires. Charles Deane
“Better Than Canned Bread”,
Memorial to those killed in construction accidents collapses, 13 dead
A joyous collection of satirical bric-a-brac
Saudi Arabia to Allow Woman to Vote on The X Factor For the first time in history Saudi Arabia has allowed its women to vote on a range of television talent shows, including X Factor and Saudi Arabia’s Got Talent. King Abdullah has pledged that, in the next series of the shows, not only will women be able to vote for who they want to win, but they will be allowed to participate. The news has been met with cautious optimism, with senior liberals emphasising that it will take time to put the new laws in to effect, with no guarantee of success. However, the news has been welcomed by the US and the UK, who see it as a move towards equality, with David Cameron claiming that “we all, regardless of sex, care deeply about whether that girl with the dodgy tan and regional accent will make it through to the finals of a show, gain mainstream popularity and then fade in to obscurity.” One leading Saudi official was in favour of the move to let women vote, claiming that: “Hey, women aren’t allowed to drive or leave the country unaccompanied but at least they get this one promise that they too can influence affairs of music, publicity and bad taste. And that’s what’s important.” This view is echoed throughout most of the government, half of which is appointed by the King, and so probably would agree with what he said anyway. However, the reaction from the more conservative parts of the government remains to be seen, as most of them do not even like television talent shows in which several or all of the contestants are fulfilling their lifelong ambitions for a dying or dead family member. If women were to get involved as well there is widespread fear that their heads might just explode from disapproval. Sairah Rehman
A Correction Back in issue 2 we reported the story of a Mr. Bloxham, whose claims of travelling at 299 792 459m/s we called “impossible”. Recent experiments at CERN have demonstrated that actually, this is pretty damn possible, with the observation of neutrinos travelling at 299,798,454m/s, leaving him for dust. The Lemon Press finds itself with a rather eggy face, and extends its most sincere apologies to The Creator, who we can only assume will soon punish us for our insolence. As our loyal readers are no doubt aware, The Lemon Press is committed to the highest quality in journalistic standards, with most articles researched via a thorough glance at Wikipedia, and it is an embarrassment to us that we may have printed a story which wasn’t entirely true. Jamie Gallimore, Editor
Bruno Tonioli in hospital after giving Samoan haka a paltry 6
SPORTS for those who enjoy their sports
MENGER: “I HAVE FAITH IN MY YOUNG SQUAD” Frenchman insists that Freshers’ lack of experience will not hinder his side’s title push Managerial mastermind Alain Menger insists that his young Langwith 2nds side will be able to challenge for the league and the College Cup this season, despite fielding a side that exclusively contains only first years.
are hungry, err, and zey have extensive schoolboy experience.” The schemer, a Business and Management MA student, recently lost second year Sammy Nesbit to title hopefuls James 1sts, whilst captain and lynchpin Francesco Flabbergast returned home to complete his studies at the University of Barcelona. Pundits have predicted that, with a depleted squad prone to bedwetting and homesickness, Menger will have to bring in some experienced third years to bring leadership and maturity to the team.
“I have faith in zeir ability to perform at the highest level,” defended Menger at a press conference in P/X/001. “I am sure zat ze players do not need to be in zeir twenties to win games.” Despite protests from the club’s seven fans at their regular training patch, Menger refused to bow to pressure, insisting that “my players f
SHOCK AS YORK UNVEILS NEW VICE-CHANCELLOR In a shock instatement, the University of York has named Professor of Philosophy Joey Barton as its new ViceChancellor. Whilst undoubtedly an articulate and talented academic, Barton has enjoyed a turbulent past; whilst completing his B.Phil at Manchester Met, he was put on academic probation for a brutal assault on a fellow student, who Barton believed wasn’t concentrating during a seminar on Nietzsche. He also attracted controversy during his residency at Newcastle University, burning down around three quarters of the campus after an altercation at the staff Christmas party, when he accused a senior member of staff of “looking unkindly” at him.
Above: Barton and his Siamese Anger University of York Chancellor Greg Dyke was thrilled with the appointment, commenting that whilst he understood that Barton “has a reputation as a difficult character,” without these character flaws York would not have been able to secure his services, as he would have been employed by one of the “actually good universities”. Dave Hughes
To this end, Menger has been linked with a number of well-travelled students. One player of particular interest is Michael Hartnetter, a medical student plying his trade at York Hull Medical School. The general consensus from Webmail threads suggest that Hartnetter would be a quality signing, provided that Menger can get him to spend more time on the pitch than he does on the treatment table.
RUGBY: EXPLAINED POSITIONS
Half-fly - The muscular kicking legs of a human and the ultra-responsive compound eyes of a fly are the two common prerequisites for one of the most important attacking positions on the field. Number 8 - The name “number 8” was meant to be temporary. However, after an expensive campaign by the IRB yielded only “backbinder”, “utility-half” and “semi-chunk” as alternative names, the committee decided to simply leave it as it is. Hooker - Their role is to attempt to seduce the opponent‟s players by any means necessary. The hooker is often the man in the scrum tasked with clutching at the prop’s genitals. When the hooker comes up against his opposing number in a clinch, it is often referred to informally as a “moll’s maul”.
NUS reckon we’re funny.
Bowling alley workers go on strike, managers said to be in de-spare
...what’s this? Why yes, it’s more
The Evolution of Football We all know football as the slick big money entertainment product that it is in 2011 but it was not always this way. Consult this handy guide to the evolution of football for some of the key moments that made football the game we love today. 1889 – Penalties at the end of extra time. Previously teams would play on until someone scored a winning goal, leading to all-night games and reports of fatigue. The FA introduced a thirty minute cap on extra time after hearing of a game still in progress that had started two months previously, but unfortunately nobody thought to tell the players of that particular fixture. The match continued for another nine years, until left winger Billy Martin played a neat one two with the corpse of the centre forward and slotted home a cool low finish. 1896 – Standardisation of goal sizes Before 1896 the amount of space between goalposts was left to the discretion of individual groundsmen which led to large disparities in the size of goals at different grounds. Paddington FC put their amazing season long clean sheet of 1895/96 down to a three foot wide goal and an obese goalkeeper. Conversely Berkshire Athletic’s record breaking 122-113 thriller with Letchworth Wanderers was put down to a goal that was actually wider than the pitch, with both teams failing to find a way to defend corners taken on their goal-line.
RUGBY: EXPLAINED OFFENCES
TOLERATED • • • • • • • •
Wrestling Biting Sexual assault Actual bodily harm Attempted murder Arson Silly-looking hats Haemorrhages
PUNISHABLE • • • • • •
Poking a man in the eye Deliberately falling to the floor Referring to the referee by his Christian name Remaining silent during your national anthem Singing your opponent’s national anthem Pre-planned celebrations
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2004 - The green card (above) is rescinded after too many Eastern Europeans use them to find work in Scotland
1906 – Introduction of the red card Previously it had been thought that a short sharp blast of the whistle and a stern “I say sir, aren’t you a gentleman?” served as sufficient punishment for any infraction, but the need for change was made clear when, during a 1905/06 second division fixture, Victoria Aldwych inside right David Callaghan burst through on goal and the opposition goalkeeper shot him dead. Despite appeals for a penalty, a free kick was awarded because, as the referee pointed out, the trail of blood started from outside the area. 1914 – Changes to the FA Cup Punishment for being knocked out of the FA Cup – all the players have to go to war Prize for winning the FA Cup – all the players have to go to war (Revoked in 1918) David Spriggs
as written by somebody who knows nothing about sports
In Sports news, York Sports team was victorious over Opposing Sports team today when they played at sports. “They were just better at sports than we were,” Opposing Sports team’s manager told reporters afterwards. “We need to knuckle down and get better at sports if we want to be victorious the next time we play them at sports.” York Sports team will be glad to have been victorious at sports this week as their traditional enemies Rival Sports team also won their game today. “It’s always fiercely competitive when we play Rival Sports team at sports,” York Sports team’s captain said in a press conference. Reports suggesting that he then shook his fist angrily and cried, “Damn you Rival Sports team!” are currently unconfirmed. York Sports team will play Rival Sports team this weekend at the York Sports Team Stadium. Charles Deane
Lovely Words by Sairah Rehman The Tragedy of Romance
It’s Only Words
I went for a date in The Courtyard I went for a date, I did And that boy must really love me Because he spent seven quid.
It was like the boy was in italics There was something about him that made him Stand out. He underlined himself and myself. Made me bold. Gave me words from a font of knowledge A different way of looking at things And his way was justified. They said he was my type – and for once They were right – And I no longer felt on the margins Of society, looking in. I felt like there was a plot, an idea From history, strong – old but innovative Time’s New Roman.
We laughed and chatted all evening He put his hand on my knee And my heart – oh it fluttered Whenever he looked at me. When we left the moon was out And the ducks they lay around sleeping And as I looked at him I realised That this boy was really worth keeping
The Misanthropic Goose
But then he lost his footing A gasp – oh what a mistake He swung and went tumbling forward And I lost my love to the lake.
You will never really know me The goose, in the shadows Not a flat-footed duck I do not waddle like a good-natured Ball of feathers with a fat bottom I could break your arm with my beak Just as you break my heart with your words I am the face of goose – black eyes, but my soul Was white once, before you filled it with hatred When you kicked me across a field
He emerged a few moments later Shivering and looking around And that was how the night ended With one of us nearly half-drowned. I said that I would call him And the number I gave him was fake For who knows what he could have caught From the depths of that inimitable lake.
Bad Haikus* by David Spriggs Pie
The best kind of pie is one that contains some food inside of a pie
Small man but big heart he suffered in pain from this awful disorder
If I had magic powers I’d use them for evil then you’d all pay
As I gazed in her eyes of the deepest purest blue my wallet got nicked
I’m not sure how you format a haiku thought the poet sexily
The astronaut waved one last goodbye to earth and jumped off a bridge
An ethical dilemma If I am hungry is it wrong to take some bread? P.S. I’m a duck
Girls Girls are really nice they have got boobs and other good bits. I like them
The art of Haiku The art of haiku lies in being concise and not running out of
*My secretary informs me these are really Senryū. I can’t be bothered to find out if she is correct.
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