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from the editors Writing a perspicuous Editorial can be difficult. Finding a way to type it up in the dark, without a computer during a snatched moment while our captors are looking away bemuses us still. Due to these circumstances, we’ve BBMd TLP HQ with instructions to reproduce our last issue word for word. Don’t worry, nobody’s read it before. The fifth issue of The Lemon Press has been the newest yet. It’s our first bonus issue of the academic year, since we’ve decided to put ourselves through the unnecessary and daunting trouble of expansion. To our Chair Arthur, we say thank you.

CONTENTS

CAMPUS POLITICS LIFESTYLE FILM MUSIC SCI/TECH ARTS

The Team

Alexander Allison Dominic Mantle Jamie Gallimore This issue wouldn’t have come into being were it not Edward Francis for a few key factors: the bleak worldview of a group Rachael Healy of relative youths; continued widespread indifference Charles Deane to deforestation; the incredible mercy shown by a Nicholas Saul Trojan horse virus to one of our PCs after it became David Spriggs infected shortly before our production period. Thanks Sairah Rehman also to our numerous contributors, editors, proofreadJonathan Cridford ers, stylists, Managing Directors, and abundant camAndy Brown pus office space. On the other hand, we could easily Earl Partridge have done without (several of which we did). Craig Dobson Tom Taylor Tom Keefe All that’s left to say is... please don’t set in motion legal proceedings that, due to the shockingly impermeArthur Pitt able nature of English law, we would have no hope of Dave Walker defending ourselves against. Oh and enjoy. Ryan Fitzgerald Cieran Douglass Dom and Alex Huw Randall-Smith Clement Wee Clement Wee Want To Get Involved?! Clement Wee Well we’d love to have you! Anyone who wants to write, draw, create, design, dissolve, usurp etc can get involved! In fact, it’s Clement Wee largely encouraged. Just drop Arthur an email at chair@thelemonpress.co.uk and he can give you all the informaton you need to become a part of a beacon of student media. Mmm... bacon.

4-9 10-13 13-17 18-19 20-22 23-25 26-29

Co-Editor Co-Editor Dep. Editor/SciTech Deputy Editor Politics Editor Deputy Politics Film Editor Deputy Film Arts Editor Deputy Arts Lifestyle Editor Deputy Lifestyle Music Editor Deputy Music Deputy Science Chair/Cunting Dictator Treasurer/The Dave Secretary/Usurped Editor Design Marketing/Advertising Clement The Eternal Deputy Clement Vice Deputy Clement Assistant to Mr Clement

All uncited images property of The Lemon Press or stolen legally from Wikimedia. All other things, text, layouts, wit (or lack thereof) ©The Lemon Press 2010

The Lemon Press would like to warn its readers not to take the free balloons currently being offered in the YUSU building. They are slimy and have poor shape. You have been warned. You can get more drivel at www.thelemonpress.co.uk

03


Breaking News: Gaelic voted least popular of the Gays.

CAMPUS YUSU to appoint Kestrels’ Officer YUSU is set to recruit a full time officer who will be responsible for the representation of kestrels on campus. The decision comes after students complained that there was no place in the 21st Century for the lack of such a position. A current Sabb told us, “This is democracy in action. It’s what the student politics movement is all about.” The Seventh Sabb will be elected by popular vote, and there are hopes of a high turnout. “On a good day, we’d get twenty people filling in their ballots,” said our source. Once elected, the Kestrels’ Officer will set about the business of seeking equal opportunities for birds of prey, pressing the Courtyard to start offering a mouse based alternative menu, and giving out free condoms and lube.

Friendly rave at Millbank ruined by Sting tribute gang

A student rave inside Tory HQ in London has been broken up by a heavily armed gang called The Police, who used violence and weapons to end the merry-making and highjinks of jaunty student types. Famed for gang colours of fluorescent yellow and decidedly breast-shaped hats, the highly militant group, also known as ‘The Met’ or ‘Scotland Yard Massive’, used unnecessary force to control peaceful ravers inside the building. The student rave coincided with the work of a few postmodern, avant-garde architects, who were radically redesigning the premises using fists, feet and the occasional missile. Baroness Warsi was also at the scene, but had to leave early due to one tune that was, allegedly “A phatass beat that blew dem mandems mind” and the fact that she couldn’t “take the heat of the jungle, baby”. This is not the first time this highly organised gang of nationwide membership has ruined otherwise bantastic events, and their insistence on ‘laying down the law’ is feared throughout the U.K. The so called ‘commissioner’, Leader of the Police, had this to say ‘BROKEN QUOTE BROKEN QUOTE BROKEN QUOTE BROKEN QUOTE’. Rumours that Nick Clegg will DJ the next student rave have not gone down well.

04

Campus

Wave of pun related crime sweeps York Police have warned residents of York to be extremely vigilant in dealing with the latest crime wave, which is resulting in the extensive employment of puns. One of the worse incidents occurred earlier this week in the small hours of the morning when a local nunnery found itself the victim of a kidnapping. It is thought that the lack of an adequate enclosure around the grounds allowed the kidnapper access. Chief Inspector Tony Walker released a short statement: “No fence, nun taken”. Students have also been targeted. Members of the Facial Hair Appreciation Society have found themselves being mocked with abandon, prompting the head of the society to say “We moustache you not to laugh at us”. They were not alone however; a series of other societies have also been targeted. A spokesperson for the Fascist Society, which has suffered a spate of random attacks, said “We’re all very shocked, we did Nazi that coming”. And after the Herb Society headquarters were bombed, one member commented “The damage is bad but we should be able to rebuild, we’ve got a lot of thyme on our hands.” Oscar Diamond

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Breaking News: Leading Pornography experts note rise in Penises.

Men seduced by marketing As America’s unofficial lip-balm, Chapstick’s sales far outweigh those of its competitors. But according to managing director Gary Chapman, the company needs a fresh approach. He told us “By separating the brand name’s two components, we’ve found we’re now able to fool a large proportion of the male population into purchasing our product.” Chapstick’s new range of lip-balm, Chap Stick, will go on sale sometime in January alongside the True Shimmer, Fresh effects and Flava-Craze ranges. Dave from Stoke-on-Trent says that he is not affected by brand management, and will continue using Chapstick’s popular cherry balm. Nevertheless, Menthol, a number of leading ladder companies and the metaphysical concept of a mandate are all interested in buying the rights to Chapstick’s research. Having spotted the potential to harness the foot-fetish market, Mentos’ position is also positive, though there are worries that targeting a niche market might alienate the average mint consumer. James Dixon

Second year discovers all women are in a conspiracy against him Fred Tippen was today reeling from the news that all women are engaged in a conspiracy to make his love life hell. The History student took a wrong turn last Monday night and walked into V/120 to find all of womankind inside discussing plans to make him miserable. Most women were given a brief not to show any interest in him but others were told to give mixed signals or to be receptive to his initial advances but not go through with anything. One woman told us “It was felt that just having everyone ignore him would not be the most painful option for Fred. What we wanted to do was show him just a small bit of possibility so that he would feel hope, and then it’s that hope that was important to really give him that deep, true sense of aching we were aiming for.”

SPORTS NEWS Wolves unveil new manager Wolverhampton Wanderers today announced that they have appointed a new manager, 36 year old Untitled User. User has a growing reputation in football after taking Dagenham & Redbridge to three consecutive promotions. Many of his best signings have been previously unheard of foreign footballers, particularly Icelandic players. It’s unknown whether the Wolves chairman will be happy with Untitled User’s extraordinarily frequent forays into the transfer market - the manager has bought 83 players and sold 68. The most high profile transfer User has been involved with was the shock £30 million sale of a 38 year old reserve goalkeeper to Barcelona during Untitled User2’s short four day reign at the Nou Camp.

Visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk

05


And The Lemon Press award for most ironic thing goes to Nouse’s satire section

Special Feature: The Lemon Press examines academic research at the University of York It can be easy to forget that the student experience is not the only side to university and that quality research is being carried out right here in York. In an attempt to shine a light on this relative enigma, we are printing this request for research funding that we have procured from our sources. Submitted request for funds to study the effects of unbridled hedonism in 46 year old divorced white men As amazing as it may seem, there has never before been an intensive two week investigation into what happens when a 46 year old divorced white man just cuts loose and does whatever the hell he wants. Please bear in mind that this is a piece of research that will be a bold first step into this field when considering my application for funds, which I have itemised below: Transport

£9000

Of which private helicopter £5000

Food

£5500

Boat Hire

£20000

Of which chocolate sauce £1500 (Of which to bathe in £1500)

Miscellaneous

£30000

Drink

£11200

Of which beer £800 Of which wine £3200 Of which champagne £7200 (Of which to bathe in £3500)

Of which damages for destroying the boat £19500 Of which prostitutes £30000

Additionally, as the only 46 year old divorced white male I was able to locate during my search for participants, I will need two weeks paid leave. Thank you for your time.

Minutes: Atheist and Agnostic Soc meeting, 8/11/10 Chair: Okay. Is everybody here? Atheist 1: You can’t prove that I’m not. Atheist 2: Yeah, but you can’t prove that you are, either. Agnostic 1: Are you? I don’t think we can be sure either way. Agnostic 2: Can anyone ever be said to really ‘be’ anywhere? What is existence? What is the nature of-Chair: This could go on for a while. Is there any new business? Agnostic 1: I’m not sure. Chair: Oh, ffs. Anyone thought about God since last week? Agnostic 2: Yeah. Still think the nature of a god or gods is unknowable. Agnostic 1: That’s a good point. But I’m only here because I haven’t really thought about it before. Atheist 2: I’ll give you a hint: there is no god. Atheist 1: No, there probably is no god. CU Agent: I disagree. All: What? CU Agent: He loves you all. Except for when he’s turning you guys into salt for living near gay people.

06

Campus

Ignore that bit. Atheist 2: How can something that doesn’t exist love me? Agnostic 2: What is love? I mean, post-modernism says that we can never be objectivelyAtheist 1: Prove it. Chair: WHY DO WE EVEN DO THIS?

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Did yu knoe?: Vission tooke teh psis oout of the lemno prses in there firstt isue of the terme

THE MYTH DEBUNKER

Revealing the truth behind your mistaken beliefs

Myth: ‘I want’ never gets – With the death of manners and the general decline of society, impoliteness and demands that would once have been greeted with the back of a parent’s hopefully bejewelled hand are now gratuitously indulged as they seek to avoid being prosecuted for child abuse.

Myth: Women must wear makeup in order to ensure their role in the breeding process – This too is a fallacy, driven by misogyny and the marketing techniques of cosmetics companies. If women stopped wearing makeup tomorrow, the only harm done would be French industrial meltdown.

Myth: Just because a movie is released, you have to watch it – Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t written into law. It is legal, and in most cases advisable, to make the judgement that a film looks terrible and has been produced by a bunch of money grabbing gimmickmongers, rather than flock to the cinema at the first sign of Megan Fox, a wildly unnecessary sequel or having to pay several pounds extra to wear a second pair of glasses.

Myth: A rolling stone gathers no moss – See Keith Richards for further details.

Myth: Two heads are better than one – When problemsolving, the adage is true. An exception must be made however when talking literally and in reference to the short term outlook of a mother-to-be of conjoined twins who has just gone into labour.

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Myth: Marriage is supposed to end in divorce – The typical experience of the institution of marriage has shifted due to slipping standards and societal collapse. However, it was originally intended to last more than just a couple of years. Myth: It ain’t over till the fat lady sings – Ah the opera - one of the few remaining bastions of decency. This is another saying which usually holds some value. However, it is over if the fat lady is unable to sing due to her suffering a massive coronary.

07


Breaking News: A stitch in time saves nine (from a house fire)

Should You Celebrate Christmas? YES

For me, Christmas simply confirms how fucking stupid kids are.

I often think about the harrowing series of events that must precede a grown being paid to dress up as an elf and stand around a shopping centre

NO

YES NO

The thought of a bearded man breaking into houses and emptying his sack deeply disturbs me.

NO

YES YES

I’m allergic to pine trees. NO

Why does Matilda need a miracle on her street when she’s already got magical powers? YES

NO

Putting on a couple of stone over the holiday period is just the push I need to finally renew my gym membership

NO

Jesus would’ve wanted me to gorge myself to the point of vomiting at least once a year...

NO

YES

YES

I’m totally not bitter about the time in Year 2 when that BITCH Emma Smith got picked to be Mary over me...

YES

Houses plastered in moving, singing, flashing decorations just scream class.

NO

YES

I felt a great affinity with Scrooge in The Muppets Christmas Carol.

No, you’re No, you hate Christmas Jewish

NO

NO

I hate my extended family.

NO

I’m always using that tiny screwdriver from last year’s cracker. YES

I really hate buying socks for myself. YES

NO

NO

YES

NO

YES

I really enjoyed The Muppets Christmas Carol

YES

Campus

YES

NO

NO

I’m Jewish

08

NO

To me, a ‘Yule Log’ is a questionable euphemism

YES

YES

Everyone looks good in a Christmas jumper

YES

YES

Snow really pisses me off.

Reindeer is delicious

NO

YES

I have no qualms with capitalism brutally raping a religious festival. YES

I take issue with celebrating the birthdays of fictional characters YES

NO

Even after 17 meals I still find turkey delicious. YES

No, you’re an athiest. (No-one likes a hypocrite...)

Yeh, go ahead... Want more?


SHOCK: Fool and money split: I never wanted to part, says money!

Letters, emails, texts, tweets, smoke signals, crusades, jihads etc.

“It’s been an awfully long time since your esteemed organ took a shot at YSTV. Any reason for the armistice?” Jennifer Trewlawnley, 3rd Year Sociology -Not at all Jennifer. In fact, just to show we’re still on top of our mockery, here’s a picture of the YSTV logo in an amusing place.

“York is beautiful this time of year. The sight of the frozen lake smeared with bird faeces is artistic marvelry. The snowy fields, smeared with duck excrement, are aesthetic wizardry. The cool frosty smell of morning, cut with the shit of a thousand bastard geese, is pure hedonistic revelry.” Brian Cantor, Campus. -Well Mr. Vice Chancellor, there’s a reason why us students love York so much. What about the instant feeling of sweatiness generated in overheated seminar rooms? The ubiquitous decision making of the university owners are complimented so well by the slightest alteration of climate. And we wouldn’t change it for the world.

“I’d personally like to thank whichever genteel and noble member of the library staff thought we’d appreciate little cards on library desks teasing our new library, which will be ready in 2012!” Jennifer Horton, History Postgraduate. “I was pleasantly surprised to find that the dog-food-esque appearance of the BBQ chicken baguettes in Vanbrugh dining hall are misleading, as they taste a lot more like shit.” Harriet Harman, York Alumni. “If anyone wants a laugh, go and look at the past images of the library near the entrance. It is a sobering thought that even shit architects seem to be able to secure contracts spanning multiple decades.” Roonster Battenburg, Fairfax House. “The NUS national demonstration was excellent. What’s more, when everyone was out I went and nicked all their stuff.” Joe ‘Girthy’ McGee, Osbaldwick.

“Looks like The Lemon Press has done it again! After the culinary section of your last edition informed us that the most important thing to remember about Spaghetti Carbonara is that you can’t add too much cream, I stabbed my housemate to death in an argument about whether that meant that you ought to limit the amount of cream or that no matter how much cream you used it would never be enough. How many innocents must die because of your sloppy editing?” Jon Jacobson, Derwent -Jon, please allow us to assure you that nothing is more important to us than maintaining the highest standards of editing and p:ofreadng. And can we remind those who write into us that the actions you describe in your letters can’t be too violent. “It’s been an awfully long time since your esteemed organ took a shot at URY. Any reason for the ceasefire?” Trevor Jenner, Third Year Sociology. -Not at all Jennifer. In fact, just to show we’re still on top of our jokery, here’s a picture of the URY logo in a hilarious place.

“I think the best jokes are the ones that are too intelligent for other people to get!” David Cieran, Halifax. -Haha, classic. You’re got a talent there.

“Dear Sir, Upon seeing the creative writing in the last issue I was motivated to start writing poetry...P-o-e-t-r-... That’s coming along nicely.” Bertha Grumbly, 4th Year Maths. YUSU working hard to create a better University for after think all students can look forward to the use the year below you you’ve gone will be getting out of the new facilities. “Is scaffolding a part of 1960s architecture?” Jess Booth, Vanbrugh.

By Tim Let me tell you about all the exciting things that we, your elected representatives, are working to get ready for just after you graduate. Firstly, Sam is doing a great job organising an incredible 4G Astroturf that is going to dramatically improve the experience of sports teams just after you leave them forever. Additionally, York is going to finally have a swimming pool and I

Visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Meanwhile, Dan has got some ambitious plans that will drastically improve the Courtyard and he has told me that he intends to get the changes done just one week after you graduate. Keep up the good work, Dan! It’s not an easy job but we’re motivated to keep going by the thought of a better student experience, not starting ten years from now, or five years from now, but starting the day after your graduation ball.

09


SCOOP: Actions speak out against words: I’m louder than you’ll ever be!

POLITICS

CLEGG vs. CLEGG

The Lemon Press’s extensive team of investigative journalists have uncovered a never-before-seen transcript of the meeting between Nick (?) Clegg from spring 2010 and Deputy PM Clegg from autumn 2010. Spring Clegg: I will work to abolish tuition fees! Autumn Clegg: I don’t think so... Spring Clegg: Well, maybe abolishing won’t be workable for some reason. But I’ve just signed a pledge that I won’t raise them, so you can’t change that. Autumn Clegg: Yeeeeeh, so I’m thinking of going with £9000 a year... Spring Clegg: What, aren’t you listening Clegg? I just signed a pledge saying I’ll vote against any increase whatsoever! And the other day I said raising them to £7000 would be a disaster. A disaster! Autumn Clegg: I’m definitely going with £9000. And then I’m going to have your wife Clegg. Spring Clegg: You wouldn’t dare. Autumn Clegg: Just watch me Clegg. And guess who your children call ‘daddy’ Clegg? Spring Clegg: Fuck you Clegg. Autumn Clegg: Fuck you.

Questions raised over viability of nativity in modern-day Israel The nativity as we know it took place around 2010 years ago. The world back then was a very different place, especially the Middle East. With no such things as Christianity or Islam, the region was at complete and utter peace... wait, no, that’s not right... Anyway, God might want to think about postponing the second coming of Jesus, at least for a few more years… Here’s why. Mary and Joseph would be stopped from travelling past the newly-constructed partition wall into West Bank administrated Bethlehem. The “star” followed by the wise men would more likely be a mortar. There would be no shepherds to watch the birth of Christ, as they would have been arrested several weeks previously for throwing stones at an Israeli patrol. The wise men would undoubtedly have their gifts confiscated by warlords somewhere on their way through Western Asia. Wisdom is no match for an AK47... The heavenly chorus descending from on high would be shot down by the Israeli Air Force. There still wouldn’t be any room at the inn, but only because the inn and its stable have been bulldozed to make way for a new Israeli settlement.

10

Politics

Christmas Cutbacks Following the October spending review the Government has decided to make further cuts, just in time for Christmas. City centre Christmas lights will be the first thing to go, as a recent enquiry by the House of Lords found them to be “just too damn common”. A VAT increase of 203% will also be imposed on any item that could potentially be given as a Christmas present to prevent the “foolish masses” from buying “gaudy tat” for one another, and in order to offset the cost of the Coalition Cabinet’s Christmas Eve cheese and port soiree. A spokesman for Poundland described the move as “ludicrous”. David Cameron looked confident as he announced his latest plans, saying, “I think the measures that George and I have decided to implement really reflect my vision of ‘The Big Society’. We will help people to realise that they don’t need the usual frivolities to make Christmas enjoyable; the twelve page spread of my family and I in December’s Hello Magazine, enjoying our organic nut-stuffed turkey in one of our many country houses, should be enjoyment enough for anyone.”

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“It’s good to be free” says North Korean car wreckage man

Ian the-weirdo-who-nobody-likes elected to clear the kitchen before the cleaners come At the culmination of a dramatic seven-minute election campaign, Ian that-guy-who-never-comes-out-of-his-damn-room has been elected as The Person Who Should Clear The Kitchen Before The Cleaners Come. “This kitchen is in a real mess,” Susan the-sort-of-Northernsounding-girl-from-across-the-hall told reporters, “and only one man has the visionary capabilities to sort it out. Plus he wasn’t here to object.” “Our kitchen has been amassing dirt for far too long,” Andy theguy-who-does-Chemistry-or-Biochemistry-or-something-likethat declared. “Ian is the only one capable of really getting to the heart of matters and putting all the rubbish in the bins outside.” While Ian was unavailable for comment, those who vaguely share the same living space as him said the election was never really in doubt. “I think it’s partly because he’s shown such dedication to the cause at hand,” Lucy with-the-big-tits explained afterwards, “but it’s mostly because nobody else was running for the position.” While political analysts have argued Ian’s campaign would have

been cut short if he’d come into the hallway and flat out said he wouldn’t do it, most agree that the result was inevitable. “The coming hours will not be easy,” Richard who-does-judoso-I-probably-shouldn’t-piss-him-off announced. “A lot of hard decisions will have to be made. I won’t lie to you, it won’t be pretty, but if nothing else we can take comfort knowing that we won’t have to do any of it.”

The Blog of Henry de Benaire Wednesday 10th November, 2010: 06:30: Very, very excited. Bullingdon Club initiation ceremony today - lots of laughs GUARANTEED!! 09:00: In London now, updating from my iPad. Not having the ‘copter was a chore but we quaffed more than a little champers on the way down ;) 10:00: The atmosphere is A-MAY-zing, I can’t believe all of these ragamuffins have turned out just to watch the ceremony – they’ve brought banners and everything! 11:00: Congregated in Tarquin’s weekend apartment to begin the initiation. We have our task - go to our parent’s workplaces in London and break as much stuff as possible. LOL. 12.30: There are so many people going to Westminster too. Are they all following me? I do have a reputation for being a total riot... 13:00: I’m heeyarr, Millbank Tower or whatever. All these oiks look awfully angry, someone must have told them there was going to be free money, or Kerry Katona, or something... 19:00: Just got in to Tarquin’s house, now I can update again. Managed to smash one window and burnt a picture of daddy that somebody handed to me. ROFL. So many laughs :D We Bullingdon Boys are so rebellious! Peace out, champers time. xxx

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11


Government criticise popular trend of leaking plans

Coalition Government proposes student serfdom The Conservative/Lib Dem coalition has thrown caution to the wind and set out plans to formalise a system of slavery, where students struggling to pay back the loans they took out to cover their tuition fees would be tied to the land and forced to pay a series of crippling dues and taxes to their university and the exchequer. The arrangement comes after the water was tested with a suggested rise in tuition fees to £9,000. It is thought the system of student serfdom would be similar to that which afflicted generations of Russian peasants up until the nineteenth century, but with less carts full of turnips and more Facebook based grumbling. A Government spokesman, swallowing the last of his foie gras, said, “This is a necessary measure, which will ensure that the taxpayer gets back the money which had been generously loaned to young people only for them to squander it on such frivolities as food and clothing. They will work either until they can afford to buy their way out of bondage, or their backs break.” Students were unavailable for comment due to the threat of a beating at the hands of their masters.

Think Tanks under review

Animals to vote 2 by 2

The Lemon Press has learnt that the Government is to put legislation into motion to allow all woodland animals the right to vote in future parliamentary and European elections. The news comes following the controversial case of Peter Rabbit, a hare living in the Lake District, who has appealed against a High Court ruling stopping him from voting whilst living in wooded areas. Rabbit took his case to the Appeal Court using financial aid from the RSPCA. The story received much national media attention, prompting intense debate over how much freedom animals should be allowed in the British Countryside, and whether Rabbit should not just be shot and put into a pie. Liam Fox, Defence Secretary and son of a forest vixen, said “We have gone past the point where animals should be denied the right to vote. It is against animal rights, it is cruel and it is outdated. Woodland critters are affected by British politics just as much as the average citizen and should not be discriminated against due to their lack of human intelligence.”

Defence Secretary Liam Fox today requested an investigation into the effectiveness of Think Tanks in modern conflicts. He expressed concern that while Think Tanks are ubiquitous in the media, they are largely ineffective on the battlefield, despite the proliferation of postgraduate qualifications in every unit. Cpt. Daniel Paper (MA, PhD) of the 32nd Think Tank battalion told The Lemon Press that “Think Tanks are still vital tools in warfare. I recognise that we are viewed as a joke by much of the armed forces, but substantial progress has been made in Afghanistan due to our promotion of synergy during our tour in Helmand earlier this year.” We hoped to gain further insight into Think Tank operations, but shortly after conducting the interview with us, Cpt. Paper and a large number of his battalion were killed as insurgents ambushed their tri-annual performance review.

Cat Deeley, TV presenter and relative of the late Felix the Cat, said “It’s a question of Civil Rights, Animal Rights, Human Rights, and the Rite of Spring. I don’t know what the answer is, but I like animals. Nam Shatil

12

Politics

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BREAKING NEWS: Widespread failure in social scheme to gift lower classes with Dinner Jackets

Recent developments in constitutional reform greatly increase my desire to write for Sports As a period of the most significant bargaining, deliberation and negotiation over the subject of the electoral system of Great Britain in recent memory continues, one indisputable result of recent developments will be the deepening of this journalist’s intense desire to write for Sports instead. I don’t have a clue about what’s going on, to be honest. I’ve tried to sift through pages and pages of research material but I just can’t bring myself even a millimeter closer to giving anything vaguely resembling a fuck. The more I’m forced to cover this bleak, never-ending nightmare of a subject, the more I find myself mentally pasting Fernando Torres’ beautiful face over David Cameron’s during press conferences just to make the interminable bullshit about voting easier to stomach. Coincidentally, I haven’t come up with anything even loosely resembling a commissionable article for the section editor here, I’m resultantly completely penniless, and my wife has just left me. Did I mention she’s taken the kids? But it’s alright Nick, as long as we’re voting through a preference-based system at some point in the future I’m sure I’ll be too busy wetting

David Cameron: Is he the answer for Capello up front?

myself with excitement to notice how I’ve let all my hopes and dreams slip away. In terms of the forecast for future developments: me wondering what I did in a past life to deserve this.

Sheep perturbed by neglectful human overlords Visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk

13


Breaking News: Dick Van Dyke claims he is “definitely not in relations with dolphin” he was found having sex with

LIFESTYLE Christmas TV Guide

Time 00:00

Programme

08:00

Who cares, you’re opening presents.

Home Shopping Channels – Because you forgot to buy presents and are holding onto the thin hope that they deliver on Christmas Day.

12:00 15:00

Shrek – In case you missed it last year. Or last Easter. Or over the summer.

15:30

Show that was cancelled ages ago but they’re showing the Christmas episode again to make old people feel comfortable.

Queen’s Speech – This year HRH includes a burlesque routine in her speech to attract more viewers, which is a handy coincidence since you’d just popped out of the room around this time to practice your own.

16:00 18:00

Songs of Praise – Live from Richard Dawkins’ front room.

Celebrity Come Dine With Me – Jesus turns water into wine, Santa serves venison to awkward looks from all involved, Heather Mills ruins Christmas by not serving any meat whatsoever and Scrooge serves the leftovers from everyone else’s meals.

19:00

Doctor Who – The Doctor travels back to the birth Christ and saves him from the Three Wise Cybermen.

20:00

Eastenders and Coronation Street battle it out to see who can have the most depressing Christmas episode.

20:30 21:00

Channel 4 Christmas Message by Michael Bay – What if the nativity had more explosions?

Top Gear Christmas Special – Jezza and the lads each buy a sled for under £1500 and attempt to deliver presents to all the children around the world. What could possibly go wrong?

22:00 23:00

The News – A natural disaster happens somewhere to ruin the whole day for everyone. It’s probably not important since your uncle has smashed the TV in a drunken rage.

Horroscopes

by The Vaguely Mystic Laura Reynolds

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th) Don’t go to Ziggy’s on a Wednesday, or Tokyo on a Thursday. Or Salvation on a Tuesday. Uh oh, no social life for you then. Gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Your flatmates are using you. Obviously it’s not for your ‘overwhelming intelligence’, or your ‘strikingly good looks’, so it must be for your comedy value. Go figure. Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd) You aren’t fit to be around people. Not now, not ever.

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21st) Just think back to the last time you set foot in the library before making any rash decisions. Have you really recovered yet? Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st) The voices in your head are right. Do what they tell you and noone will get hurt. Pisces (February 19th-March 20th) Go to Vanbrugh stalls at 2am on 9th December. Nothing will happen, other than you will meet other like-minded, gullible idiots.

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd) It’s not your personality that makes you who you are. It’s the quantity of beer you can drink in ten seconds.

14

Lifestyle

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Breaking News: Cot Deaths pose new risk to Child Welfare.

And now an extract from newly released The Lemon Press book...

STUDENT COOKBOOK: Realistic Edition

Fagioli sulla pastasciutta Serves: 1. Get some of whatever pasta you have left. Stick it in a pan of hot water. Go and watch the apprentice for ten minutes. Put a can of beans in a microwaveable (read: any) bowl and shove it in the microwave for a bit. When they’re both cooked enough to avoid stomach cramps, dump the beans on the pasta and eat. Use a fork. Roast gammon thins in wheat comestibles with steak jiu Serves: 1. Wow, that’s meat! Lah-de-dah. Well, fry fridge? the in You found bacon the crap out of it (no need to pay attention to expiry date) and make it into a sandwich. Apply HP sachets not stolen from the Charles. Goes well with cup of tea, especially if the bags haven’t been recycled more than two or three times. Surprise stew Serves: Several. Maybe even girlfriends. Get a can of chopped tomatoes. Also buy three or four other things, vegetables or something maybe, bit of meat if you fancy it. Cook it all in a big pan for ages (about two iPlayer programmes). Add whatever herbs and spices you can nab from your housemates. Serve piping hot or lukewarm with the least mouldy bread you have and some cheese that’s not too blue if you have it.

Pizza fatta in casa Serves: 1. Or 2. Probably 1 though because you’re hungry. Go to Morrison’s and buy a pizza. Whack it in oven “on a baking tray” until not frozen, but not on fire. Enjoy with a can of Tetley’s. Non pizza fatta in casa Serves: however many people want it. Domino’s: 01904 677777 Efe’s: 01904 652210 Viking Kitchen: 01904 629913 (go for the Miss Piggy) Chocolat de la machine distributrice Serves: 0.25. Great if you’re short on time and need an energy boost. Take a 50p piece, and get a Mars Bar or Toffee Crisp from a vending machine. These have the highest food:money ratio of any chocolate. Repeat until the thought of chocolate becomes a little unbearable. Beer It’s a meal. It has calories.

And now an extract from newly released The Lemon Press piece of paper...

Vomiting: A Binge Drinker’s Guide Make sure you neck enough alcohol to need to throw up. Too many people are going easy on the guzzling and slipping through the net. When chundering, try to position your head parallel with the ground, and open wide, so that not much vom gets on your teeth. As bulimics well know, frequent vomiting, though bare jokes, can be bad for your dental health. Be sure to get some of the expulsed stomach juices on your clothes, for maximum hilarity.

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If you’re in a bar or club and feel a bout of nausea coming on, don’t go outside for some fresh air or to the toilets to spare your dignity, don’t you dare! Instead, do some shots. If you’re interested in consistency and colour, have something lumpy and visually vibrant like paella or a curry beforehand. However, you will need to up your booze intake to offset the food’s absorbent quality. Finally, enjoy your regurgitation. If anyone looks down their nose at you following the incident, remember - where’s the fun in not abusing your digestive system? They’re the ones who won’t be getting a brand new liver in ten years’ time.

Lifestyle

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Breaking News: Hippos force-fed by cruel toddlers.

D ear Santa...

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

Since I’m getting a little old for presents, I’d just like money this year. Lots of money. £5.3 trillion, to be precise. I need it up front too; don’t pull the IOU on me, I know that trick all too well. Oh, and I’d like some nuclear submarines, if it’s not too much to ask.

We know we haven’t written to you before, but for Christmas, we would like a new god. A kinder god. One that doesn’t spit five hundred feet waves at us, or spew molten rock and ash onto our houses. In the meantime, a few thousand snorkels wouldn’t go amiss.

Thanks in advance, George Osborne

Yours faithfully, The Indonesian people

Mr. Claus,

To Santa Claus,

This festive season, all I request is a small piece of dignity, and a smile that does not make small children cry.

Naturally, I’m not big on the whole Christmas idea. However, I would greatly appreciate a new printer. I bought one from an eBay seller from Yemen weeks ago, but it still hasn’t arrived at its target destination. Normally I wouldn’t ask the infidel for help, but PayPal have blocked my accounts, and I’m desperate.

Yours sincerely, Gordon Brown

Santa, Since it’s my birthday everybody’s celebrating, I want something substantial this year. Kashmir robes, a Philishave razor, some Italian loafers: surprise me. As stocking fillers, I demand some Hugo Boss, or, failing that, Old Spice; frankincense and myrrh don’t have the same pulling power in the twenty-first century. Don’t slight me with world peace or love or happiness or any of that abstract shit. Remember who you’re working for.

Yours faithlessly, Ibrahim Hassan al-Asiri

Santa Claus, I would really, really like some friends in the House of Representatives, as all of my old ones were voted out, and I don’t like the new boys and girls quite so much. Barack Obama

Jesus Horatio Christ

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Lifestyle

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Breaking News: Mind reader confirms ‘women are bitches’.

Governmental Advice on “Acceptable” Protests Following the Prime Minister’s quizzical assertion that the recent student protests were “unacceptable” and bearing in mind the fundamental liberal principal that no protest should be considered unacceptable, the Government has, upon request, very kindly provided some guidelines for protesting… 1. All MPs agreed that ‘acceptable’ ammunition includes dauphinoise potatoes, French beans, venison steak (medium-rare) and of course a sealed container of red wine jus. Politicians are overworked fellows who are too tired to order anything for themselves beyond a glass of cognac. 2. The Department of Health and Public Safety notes that it is completely unacceptable, and extremely detrimental to public welfare, for specially designed fire safety equipment (read: fire-extinguishers) to be used in arbitrary fashion by untrained personnel. It is particularly aggrieving that such well-intentioned protective equipment, that has been through numerous levels of bureaucratic testing, was brandished as if a product of the arms trade, an industry which goes against everything health and safety stands for. 3. The Treasury would consider as acceptable a protest that took into account global inflation and the budget constraints imposed by the current economic crisis, as well as the consistent devaluation of the Yuan. After all, some of the protestors are economics students, aren’t they? 4. The Department of Trade and Industry was concerned that some of the sticks being brandished at the demo looked like they were imported from the continent. In such tight economic conditions, protecting the UK timber industry is an absolute paramount. 5. The Equalities Office possesses an untold requirement that all protests must be tolerant of multicultural differences. In their opinion, the recent protests ignored the differences in culture between the House of the Commons and the general public. The spokeswoman for the Office told The Lemon Press, “Britain is a nation of minorities: we are made up of Muslims, Women, Gays, Nudists and Parliament; we must all learn to get along properly or else we won’t survive.” 6. The Ministry of Defence had no particular requirements, but would have preferred if the demonstrators had rented tanks and other equipment to demonstrate to Argentina the might of British citizens. Clement Wee

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17


Breaking News: ‘Finish yourself off,’ deemed manliest sentence in English Language.

FILM The MySpace Network rumoured to be in production Following the critical acclaim of David Fincher’s recent film The Social Network, it has been rumoured that Facebook’s eternal and greatest enemy, MySpace, will be continuing their rivalry with a film dramatisation of its creation and rise to internet ubiquity. While The Social Network is a movie that documents the incredible story of Mark Zuckerberg’s genius and the tormented life he led, filled with ‘greed, obsession, unpredictability and sex’ in the years leading to Facebook’s creation, MySpace has portrayed itself in a completely different light. Indeed since the news came that MySpace had contacted David Lynch to write and direct their film, company officials have been outspoken. Its Press and Publicity Office remarked that once again “The general public is misguided in believing that we are comparing ourselves to Facebook. Our new aim and new logo clearly demonstrate that we are making a movie purely with the intention of promoting the arts and not of glorifying silly social networks (unnamed...).” It is believed the plot of the film will focus on the musical emphasis MySpace has always had, and the magic it has brought to our ears... all of course within the confines of a Lynchian miseen-scène.

Tom Anderson, the ‘disputed’ founder of MySpace, expressed himself on the subject by saying “I am in strong doubt MySpace has any interest in such a film, its creation being mostly composed of boring corporate manoeuvring. However were it to be focused more on the creator himself perhaps...”

Cameron identifies next epic Following the success of The Social Network, a film based around the founding of Facebook, other filmmakers are reportedly looking into dramatising internet success stories for the silver screen. In particular James Cameron is said to be adapting the story behind popular entertainment website meatspin.com. The Lemon Press has acquired information which suggests the famed director is excited about taking the 3D effects of Avatar to the next level and sees meatspin as the ideal opportunity. His PA informed The Lemon Press that Mr. Cameron looks forward to grappling with such an ambitious project and is determined to take 3D in the ‘right’ direction following his tirade against the use of the technique in Piranha 3D, a film about bikinis and the impact of climate change on freshwater fish. In a similar vein, Michael Bay’s Goat.se: The Reckoning is scheduled for a late 2011 release.

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Film

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Guy in sloganed t-shirt obviously coolest at party

TV

Neglected and Sad: the other half of the Countdown clock speaks out In an exclusive interview with The Lemon Press, the unused half of the Countdown clock, usually so morose and withdrawn on the popular Channel Four show, has lashed out at the broadcaster’s top brass, claiming a gross breach of contract and accusing the show of neglect. “The initial terms of the contract stipulated that both sides of the clock would receive an equal amount of action. It’s just not fair on some of the numbers,” the bitter half fumed. “Take number Seven. Every show he gets so excited at the prospect of being acknowledged, and comes so tantalisingly close on every occasion. We’ve begun to be the opportunity for the digital renaisdoubt whether they’ve even fitted our half sance that the electronic with electronic under-face lighting.” clocks have been waiting for. “In terms of If the abused half of the clock does decide media appearances, we have been limitto call time on its Countdown career, it re- ed to airport check-in boards and garishmains to be seen whether or not the popu- looking bombs in action thrillers. With lar half would be able to continue its role the Bond series becoming more straightwith its timekeeping credibility severely laced and serious, these roles are drying diminished. If the split does occur, it may up,” said one Casio timepiece. However,

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the reaction from Channel Four chief executive David Abraham was less than positive. “Digital clocks on Countdown?” he scoffed, “Not on my watch.” Will the sullen half of the Countdown clock leave the show? If so, will the producers stand by the other half, or will they plump for the more garish-looking yet intensely accurate atomic clock? Only time will tell.

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Breaking News: Latest Michael Bay screening ends with explosion

MUSIC ‘Alejandro’: A critical re-evaluation Released in late June earlier this year, Lady Gaga’s up-tempo dancefloor filler ‘Alejandro’ has been widely interpreted as four and a half minutes of vacuous Christian-baiting. However, there is reason to believe that there has been a big misunderstanding. For one thing, the notion that an attentionseeking pop star would make a music video which featured their donning a red latex habit, swallowing a set of rosary beads and being danced around by a number of men violently flaunting their above average muscle density, all with the intention of stirring up controversy, is beyond silly. As such, the video must either actually belong to Madonna or be a figment of the imagination of an authoritative paranoid schizophrenic with internet access. For another, when was the last time the lyrics of a pop song aimed at a sex-saturated market made reference to the courting of more than one partner? The orthodox school of The Fame Monster critics believes that Gaga mentions three – the eponymous Alejandro, and Fernando and Roberto aside; but is a more likely explanation for the presence of the trio not simply that, with the repetition of the imperative “Don’t call my name”, our protagonist is documenting the difficulty of trying to take an important phone call whilst a group of persistent Spaniards are rudely demanding one’s attention? With the elaboration of these vital qualifications, it is to be hoped that Lady Gaga will now receive her due credit, and pick up that elusive MTV Europe Award.

Hey guys! Tim Ngwena here reminding you to visit thelemonpress.co.uk for all the jokes and japes York Uni can provide!

MUSIC NEWS CHRISTMAS CAROL VORDERMAN Carol Vorderman is hoping to set the charts alight with her sensational new single, ‘On the N+1 Day of Christmas’. Opinion has so far been divided as to the quality of the song; subtracting from the hype surrounding the release, critics have pointed out that the verses tend towards a barrage of consonant whinges set to music. An avowal from those in favour of the song insists that it’s better than the sum of its parts. Until the sales figures are released, Vorderman’s career as a musician will remain a conundrum.

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Music

Also, I’m in a flower pot.

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Breaking News: Floods in Cornwall ends in explosion

The Official Samaritans Playlist

Christmas. A period where financial pressure, loneliness and festive music drives people to the edge of despair. We take a look at the upbeat ditties that thousands of Samaritans callers will be listening to while the switchboard is jammed with melancholy and misery.

Last Christmas by Wham!

Christmases were? Remember when George Michael was a poster boy for heterosexuality and male earrings? Remember when Andrew Ridgeley existed? It seems so long ago, but it was a happier time.

Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie

What better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus than by remembering the brutal sacrifices of one million British subjects in one of the bloodiest wars in history. Still, the sadness is circumvented by the jolly brass band arrangement, so it’s smiles all around.

Mistletoe and Wine / Saviour’s Day / The Millennium Prayer by Cliff Richard

Because no matter how depressed you are, these songs serve as a timely reminder that it could always be worse: you could be a bible-bashing, strawberry-eating, pensioner-pleasing closet case.

Do They Know It’s Christmas by Band Aid II

This song serves to remind us all that there are always people far worse off than ourselves, struggling to make ends meet. Marti Pellow, Lisa Stansfield, Bros, Sonia, Jason Donovan, we weep for you this Christmas.

Hallelujah by Alexandra Burke

Jeff Buckley’s cover, with its haunting vocals and biblical references, is horrifically inappropriate. However, this cover of a cover, cheerfully stripped of emotion and meaning, is a perfect warbling pick-me-up for the music reality television generation.

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21


80% of The Lemon Press is written in the week it is published...

Goth Be With You

W

ith the cold frosted nights creeping in, and the colour black at an all time high, it seemed fitting to put together something of an ‘alternative’ winter playlist. Being one of the few who hasn’t been ‘given Ziggy’s’ yet (see fact box) , this is my Christmas gift to all you cheery so-and-sos who relish standing atop a snowy hillside dreaming of Edward Cullen and believing with all sincerity that you’re terribly important. Bauhaus: ‘Bela Lugosi’s Dead’ (1979) - The drab four from Northampton became the official door-to-door salesmen at the dawn of Goth culture who’d wave it in your face until you relented, saying “Okay I’ll take two of the bat costumes.” Joy Division: ‘She’s Lost Control’ (1979) - Hey look, it’s that lot that did ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’. Not Goth by any means, but the catalyst for legions of mopey so-and-sos to get involved. They had the whole package: hypnotic drumming, sparse guitars, cavernous atmospherics and a ghostly white singer with a penchant for loony bins and Belgian women. If you heard about them through the O.C., this song may encourage you to develop musical taste, or simply slap you in the face and leave you wishing you’d never got out of bed. Specimen: ‘The Beauty of Poison’ (1983) - Secretly, locked within every gentleman, there is an overwhelming desire to do one of two things: ‘borrow’ your mum’s eyeliner or ‘try on’ your girlfriend’s undies. Whichever camp you fit into, Specimen are there to greet you. Fired from their jobs as Thai lady-boys, there was nothing left to do but form a band, and this tune really digs its nails in. Jonathan Cridford

“Ziggy’s” is a socially transmitted disease with no lasting symptoms, which may cause you to sweat profusely and make you believe you’re attending a benefit dance for juvenile delinquents.

MUSIC NEWS Christmas Story to be gleefully clubbed to ruin A well known vomit-inducing musical comedy television series has announced plans to air an extended Christmas Special in which the cast will debase the Nativity story. The all too prominent show, which systematically adulterates highly-regarded songs, has received much criticism since its inception last year and it has proved a constant battle for the production team to gain the respect of viewers who have even a basic sense of right and wrong. Though still in its infancy, this latest proposal has already encountered strong resistance from the media, industry professionals and people who enjoy music. It is widely believed that writers penned this festive episode purely to satisfy demands from ‘the Jewish one’ for more screen time and yet another lead part. Given her track record of careering from emotion to emotion and cliché to cliché whilst creating a stunningly accurate vocal homage to the high-pitched mating squeal of the Palawan Bearded Pig, it is difficult to see how her portrayal of Christ will be in any way successful. A respected Catholic priest has also voiced concerns over the casting of ‘the lesbian one’ as both Herod and the Virgin Mary. Producers of the show responded by misquoting Shakespeare, “All the world’s a screen and one woman in her time plays many parts.” They continued in a similar vein, “The lesbian one’s sexual and social leanings provide an ideal, contemporary explanation for why the Christ Child could not be fashioned in the ordinary manner, whilst her malevolent tendencies, as displayed throughout both seasons, make her the ideal choice for Herod. When combined, you could regard her character as that of the classic evil stepmother.” Coupled with the disclosure that ‘I Kissed a Girl’ would be sung by the Virgin Herod as a panto-esque finale, Christian values can be considered well and truly defiled. Tom Taylor

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Music

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... but ironically the satire section is done far in advance

Science and tech

Big Bang Branded “Big Con” By Astrophysicist

YUSU have been strongly criticised by renowned astrophysicist Dr. Herbert Nix, PhD(Ebor.) over their handling of “The Big Bang”, a Freshers’ Week event featuring the literal birth of a new universe from a flaming ball of plasma. “I just wasn’t feeling it,” Dr. Nix told our reporter, still wearing his Goodricke Freshers 2010 t-shirt underneath his spotless lab coat. “In my opinion, the decision not to serve drinks at the uncoupling of gravity from the other three fundamental forces that govern space and time was the biggest mistake [YUSU President] Tim Ngwena’s ever made, and the Courtyard was a totally unsuitable venue for the phase transition of the quarkgluon plasma.” In response to what he regards as YUSU’s “pathetic attempt to wield the powers of the gods themselves,” the Doctor has set up a Facebook group bemoaning the event, in which he states: “I started to queue at 23:30, when the queues to see the rendering of pure nothing into a new creation were surprisingly already massive. By the Planck time, we had moved approximately five delta through the raging torrent of primal chaos on which Tim was working his will. At that stage, we were informed that everything had already calmed down and that there would be nothing interesting to see for a few billions of years until the first stars began to form. I returned home, bitterly disappointed with the whole affair.”

God, who was reduced to playing evensong at the Minster yet again – could YUSU not have booked him for a seminar room? Or one of the smaller bike sheds? We would have provided toasties.” Derek Greesi-Dreds, a Philosophy student and founding member of Like, Woah! Soc, argued that YUSU had failed to take into account the possibility that the universe is in fact a giant computer simulation. “I mean, have you seen The Matrix?” he asked earnestly, “Come on. I went travelling on my gap year and it’s just, like, woah.” In their only display of contrition over the whole affair, YUSU have apologized for Derek’s existence. Tim Ngwena was unavailable for comment, having retired to his room to ponder the moral implications of bringing an entire universe into being solely for the entertainment of a group of people who can sing “(name of college) till I die” for hours before growing bored. “Am I become a god?” he was heard to wonder, shortly before his eyes glowed with the light of alien stars and he vanished “to begin again,” hopefully “somewhere with a sane society-funding policy”. Dan Walker, being responsible for the organisation of the event, defended YUSU in a statement encoded into the digits of the fine-structure constant of the new universe: “The University sets strict limits on the number of people allowed into the expansion of an infinite region of space-time, based on the amount of seating available. Frankly, it’s an arbitrary restriction, given the nature of infinity, but there we have it.”

Other dissenting voice have since made their opinions known on the group wall, and since student media is totally mature However, Dr.Nix remains unimpressed, saying “At the end of and not at all about mindlessly regurgitating the thoughts of a the day – and I know that concept no longer has any meaning few malcontents, we’ve given them a platform here as well. A now that we have all seen and spokesperson for the Christian Union took issue with the acts understood the nature chosen: “I don’t understand why of time – I feel that YUSU decided to go with £26 was just too something so mainmuch to pay to stream as a theory Explosive acts at see the fundasupported by most Central Hall mental miracle of the cosmoof creation.” He logical evidence, added, “And without providing yeah, I did try something more alterthe inflatable native for those of us who laser tag.” prefer ourentertainment not to be boring and evidenceTom Keefe based. What about local a c t (of)

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Science and Tech

23


This joke wasn’t stolen...

Tree Leaves Leave Europe Fears are growing after a new report from the IPCC showed trees across Europe are losing their leaves and dying at an unprecedented rate. The report documents the unnatural change in the colour of leaves from green to brown, yellow, and even red over the last few months, as well as increasing numbers of “trees with barren branches”. The report points to global warming as the most likely explanation and adds to growing concern that not enough is being done to curb emissions. A spokesman for the IPCC said “Our latest report shows that 90% of trees on earth could be wiped out by December 2010 leaving only bonsai trees and cacti.” The simultaneous drop in temperature was linked to the falling of leaves across Europe, predicted in the previous report as a direct consequence of global warming. It shows how a lack of „heat-cover‟ from the leaves allows heat from the Earth’s core to rise into the stratosphere and widen the hole in the ozone-

US Astronauts land on Red Planet, discover that Vikings got there first NASA officials expressed disappointment and bewilderment today when initial findings revealed that Norse sailors had reached Mars a thousand years before them, in 1011 AD. A horde of horned Viking helmets, half-eaten reindeer meat remains, and a ginger head on a stick were all discovered in the area now termed ‘Rudolfland’. American scientists believe that Vikings may have utilised a large catapult to reach the Red Planet, but more multidisciplinary research is required to gain a full picture of how the savage

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Science and Tech

layer, causing the polar ice caps to melt, thousands of penguins, polar bears and yetis to die, and the temperature across Europe to plummet. However, contrary findings from Prof. A Corn of Earth Sciences at Exeter University have cast doubt on the IPCC’s report. He claims reports have shown “an increase in leaves over Europe in the spring months of this year. In fact, I can report lots of green leaves outside my window right now.” The IPCC has shrugged off these concerns, reasserting itself as the only organisation that is committed to a thorough study of water levels, hippies, and foliage. Prof Jean Pascal van Ypersele, IPCC Vice-Chair, refuted claims, saying “the efforts to undermine climate change are failing. It is obvious we are right because we are using real science. The attempts by the „organised critics‟ [gas, oil, and paper industries, Australia and tobacconists] to weaken the seriousness of global warming are not working. Climate change is happening. We are right. Fact.” Nam Shatil

immigrants travelled 54.6 million km across the solar system, and just why they undertook a venture that would appear to have been based on a whim. A University of Oslo academic reported: “We’ve considered every single possible scenario. We are totally baffled as to how they completed this miraculous feat.” The Texas-born astronaut who found the helmet horde and the reindeer meat remains, Lawrence Oscar Lyleson, has already secured a book deal with Crown Publishers. Izaak William

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... but this one was.

A Nuclear Error - Thousands Almost Die

The Lemon Press has learned that the North was almost caught in a nuclear blast due to a near-meltdown at Heysham nuclear power plant in Lancashire. In a staggering turn of events, the core temperature of reactor two rose by almost half a degree, and would have continued to rise if it wasn’t for the selfless act of an automated safety protocol returning it to normal. Local resident and mother of three, Gladys Potter, had this to say. “I feel like the Government has put me in harm’s way. If the automated systems had failed, and the seventeen fail-safe systems that are also in place failed, and modern nuclear power stations were even capable of melting down, then I’d have been put in serious danger of receiving a dose of radiation equivalent to that of half an x-ray. This is unacceptable.” Engineers at the plant remain oddly nonchalant - “It’s only Lancashire,” they told us. In other news, a wind farm in Wales exploded in high winds yesterday. There were no survivors.

No, not that kind of vampire

Zombie Outbreak Strikes York!! Panic Briefly Ensues.

A horrific tragedy struck Professor Brian Smythe of the university’s Biology department this week. While working with a unique strain of Indonesian Mutating Virus, he was unfortunately infected and became a ‘zombie’. Security services were alerted when he attempted to bite his secretary’s neck off. Students, research assistants, cleaners, OAPs and everyone else at the scene were easily able to outpace and avoid these shambling abominations unto the Lord, resulting in a complete prevention of the virus spreading. A police marksman killed the ‘zombie’ with one shot. “It was nothing,” he told the assembled press, “These guys are pretty much the least threatening things I’ve ever had to deal with. They are slow, stupid, unarmed, covered in blood, which straight away says “get as far away from me as possible,” which we have established is pretty easy to do. There was literally no chance of getting caught by him. No, if I were you guys, I’d be more concerned with vampires, or Bigfoot, or anything else basically.”

Man Recycles Can - Saves Planet

Richard Ellis, a third year historian, was honoured as a hero this week for single-handedly preventing humanity from reaching a smoggy, dirty end. He’s modest about his achievement - “It was nothing,” he said, “really - it was just nearer.” This is yet another vindication of the “every little helps” style environmental campaigns run by local councils, schools, and newspapers, in which it is found that turning lights off when walking out of the room is actually more effective than a real, concerted effort to adapt lifestyles and attitudes. The Lemon Press shall be celebrating this environmental victory with our usual Feast of One Thousand Roasted Tigers - you’re welcome to join, we usually cook too much tiger.

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25


Did you know? The fortieth anniversary of Page 3 marked the exposing of 29,220 boobies

ARTS The Tory That Stole Christmas

Largely Festive Poetry

Every Who down in Whoville liked Welfare a lot But the Cameron of London and money, did not The Cameron hated Welfare and he would try To get rid of benefits, though no one knows why It could be that he wasn’t like me or you Not understanding the plight of the average Who But I think that the most likely reason of all, May have been that his purse was two sizes too small. He hated inefficiency, he hated waste And yet he made decisions in haste He disliked the students, every single one Learning and living and having some fun He knew they would meet other girls and boys He got really angry and threw out his toys And then the political rumblings! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise! That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a Talk. And they’d TALK! And they’d talk! And they’d TALK! TALK! TALK! TALK! They would talk about politics and air their views For these were politically vocal Whos So the Cameron had to take some action Change some laws, provoke reaction As students were happily learning away The Cameron came forth and decided to say ‘No learning for you, students, if you please Browne tells me that I might just triple the fees!’ He grabbed his assistant, a rather bad egg A somewhat bewildered and panicked Nick Clegg He took empty promises, hid them away And he forgot what he’d been trying to say With his assistant in tow, a remodelled faction Turning learning into a business transaction Penalising the poor, looking after the rich Cutting and cutting and making a switch Even after anger and discontent Angry newspapers and lots of cement The Cameron stole Christmas and money to note And there’s no happy ending, that’s all that she wrote. Sairah Rehman

Reindeerspotting

Choose 5am. Choose hangover. Choose a drink. Choose a present. Choose a fucking big box. Choose oversized jumper, bad CD’s, the same present twice and electrical tin openers. Choose screaming cousins, Gran falling asleep and Aunt Maude. Choose Aunt Maude a drink. Choose another drink. Choose your friend’s “IOU” present. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose Aunt Maude another drink as she starts to dribble. Choose turkey and wondering why you didn’t start it last Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mindnumbing sprit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking stuffing into your mouth. Choose one drink too many at the end of it all, nearly throwing up in the downstairs toilet, nothing more than an embarrassment to Aunt Maude, who then falls down the stairs. Choose your Boxing Day. Choose Christmas... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

There will be no whimsy in my paper!

Nails I think about nails, large and small, And their peculiar lesson for us all, Cicero’s hands, nailed to his senate, Where he thought it wise to Caesar slate, The door at Westminster, made of skin, One man’s punishment for attempting sin, Ninety-five theses, nailed by Martin, Caused brothers to war, kin versus kin, And of course the most famous, nailed to the cross, Now a symbol of peace, love and not loss, I give this dire message to those who would use nails, Use blu-tac instead, it comes off easier. Samuel James Partridge

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Arts

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‘Islamic Songs of Praise’ draws poor initial prime time figures

Professor Dubious’s Poetry Analysis A season with connotations of shagging, especially rabbits. Bestial overtones here.

Verb obviously demonstrating undressing, esp. of dresses, esp. of the poet’s mother’s dresses.

Spring unfurls by night

Adjectives in this beautiful noun phrase suggest oral fixation (“sweet” as of taste).

The sweet and tender blossoms Rising from the branch.

Continuous present tense of the verb suggests the poet is excited; blatant overtones of male stimulation. Note too the French “ris” meaning laughter: the poet is ashamed of being laughed at for his laughably tiny one.

By Jake Whelm.

Symbolically, a phallus. Also connotations of ancestry, organic lexical field etc. suggesting incestuous desires in the poet.

Elision and archaic vowel shift. As in “bi” or “bisexual”. In Anglo-Saxon culture, the time when shagging is traditionally (but not exclusively) performed. Almost homophonic of “bosoms”; also aural association of “brother” with whom the poet clearly wants to have sex. Clearly the name of an onanist.

Note the Haiku form used: a traditional poetic evocation of the natural world, in this case reproduction is the poet’s theme. The conventional syllabic pattern of 5-7-5 is adhered to here to great effect; seen from the side, the form of the Haiku indeed resembles male genitalia. A great example of the poet playing with the form and, by extension, himself.

Arts News Literary critics dismiss novel by 8 year old paralysed girl The novel Butterflies and Mountains by a dying 8 year old girl who can only communicate by raising and lowering her eyebrows has been savaged by book reviewers. Writing in The Observer, Sam Henchoz said “It is a pedestrian muddle through the issue of illness and isolation. It compares poorly with the works of non-paralysed authors such as Howard Jacobson and Stieg Larsson.” Robert Heskey of The Telegraph agreed, arguing that “It is clear that authors who can write their own work are superior to those who dictate their novels in brutal pain via the movement of their eyebrows. Additionally, adults are more accomplished writers than children are – she should have left this until she was much older, if she didn’t only have another month to live of course.”

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BREAKING NEWS: Minority Sports dangerously over-represented

On The Twelfth Day of Christmas... I was dumped. Craig Dobson It started rather well. My true love told me to surprise her for Christmas, so I got presented her with her favourite bird, living in a tree bearing her favourite fruit. Naturally, she was overjoyed. The next day, I gifted her two turtle doves that I’d been saving as part of an elaborate engagement proposal. She was doubly delighted. Driven mad by love, I just kept going. She said that she’d like to see Paris; I couldn’t afford that, or even one Faverolles chicken, so I went down to my local coop, bought three regular hens, and fitted each of them with little berets. How she laughed at my ingenuity. After the exertion of the day, I slept through the following one. With all of the stores closed, I thrashed about the woods at twilight, managing to secure four singing birds for my darling. Her interest was waning, so made my move. I proposed on the 29th, not just with one ring, but with five financially crippling gold ones. Overwhelmed, she bellowed her acceptance over the tweets and squawks of her gifts. After spending beyond my means, I was flat broke, and could not afford another elaborate gift. Not knowing what to do, I went back to my previous modus operandi. I slinked onto campus and clandestinely snatched six geese; I bettered this the next day by capturing seven of the university’s angry swans, almost losing an eye to Terry the Black Swan in the process.

I could see that, despite my best intentions, she was tiring of the avian gifts. The geese wouldn’t stop laying eggs, and the swans had to dwell in and around the bath. Determined not to let them go to waste, I hired eight maids for her. Much to my chagrin, it turns out that you can’t get milk from a bird. She was fast becoming irate. The noise coming from all of the birds was deafening, so I brought in some pipers and drummers to drown them out. Unfortunately, the pipers were stuck in a pile-up on the M1, and didn’t arrive until early the next day. The mood in the flat was awful, despite the jaunty music. To circumvent this, I brought around eleven of my lady friends to dance with her. Face full of thunder, she accused me of self-interest and lechery. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy looking; nevertheless, I denied her claims, and countered the next day by calling up some of my father’s gentlemanly friends in Parliament, asking if any of them fancied a good time. I didn’t want to tempt my true love with younger men. This was the final straw. She rejected the romantic implications of my actions, screaming that she was fed up of bird droppings on the carpet, despised the entourage that we simply could not afford, and did not see the point of a tree that would not survive the winter. On Christmas Eve, I had a loving, caring girlfriend. Twelve days, fifty people, twenty-three birds and one tree later, and I am single, devoid of academic prospects, and awaiting trial on thirteen counts of theft. Apparently, a Michael Bublé CD and a box of chocolates would have done.

JESUS’S BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS, 25/12/19 A.D.

Jesus wouldn’t let anyone else near his cake. 28

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Did you know? There’s no word for ‘Felching’ in Hungarian

FFML

(Futuristic FML)

The hologram device behind my eyelids has been frozen on the buffering screen for twenty minutes. FML. #13896400 I agree, your life sucks (422) - you totally deserved it (145)

On 11/19/3010 at 4:11am - by Anonymous

The aliens who solved climate change are anal probing me with barbed wire. I’ve heard them mutter about plans to wax me. FML. #13896460 I agree, your life sucks (423) - you totally deserved it (111)

On 11/19/3010 at 2:47am - by Anonymous

Sat listening to my grandad ramble on about how he put a bomb in Kimmy J. Il during World War IV: Rise of the Asians to save all of Spain. FML. #13896403 I agree, your life sucks (523) - you totally deserved it (124)

On 11/19/3010 at 0:12am - by Anonymous

My cat is stuck up the tree. The last one. FML.

#13896423

I agree, your life sucks (42) - you totally deserved it (15) On 11/18/3010 at 4:27pm - by Anonymous 30th October, 10200 B.C.

PreHistoric TRUELAD

Was beating my chest when I suddenly invented the wheel. Rolling-deep-LAD. 45

12

14th May, 12334 B.C.

Am surviving the Ice Age by wearing my Wife’s skin. Fashion conscious LAD. 96

2

3rd May, 9445 B.C.

Christians will think I was neighbours with a T-Rex. No match for science LAD. 75

18

88

23

22nd December, 10502 B.C.

Grandad is jealous of my opposable thumbs. Missing link LAD.

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29


“Why don’t we give it a miss this year, Melchior?”

T

LEMON PRESS CROSSWORD Set by Vaardgrim

he first correct solution out of the lemon juicer on January 1st gets a FREE copy of Nouse... Also maybe something actual. Depends if we get that alumni grant... For entry details, email chair@thelemonpress.co.uk. Slack. SLACK. OK I GET IT! IT’S SLACK! (5) 29) 10, take two from the middle - so windy! (4) 32) On bail? Fuck up! Whitey! (6) 33) I wish you were sexier so I could just get a damn erection. Whoopsie. Sort of just said the answer to this one. (6) 34) When you’re soft you’re certainly “Da Thorn”. Play with that one. (3,4) DOWN 2) Serious in Munster, no?... now love I’ll just take off my clothes. (5) 3) Spit. Ruin. It’s the... (4) 4) In Tibet, I gamble.... seems like there’s not much going on down there. (1,3) 5) Sorry darling. I’d love to get hard for you, that would make me [access my tits, take myss, jumbled]... (8) 6) “The [Casual Sister]” is a proposal... mine is that I’m tired. (6) 7) Ginseng or geddit? Conceals how I should have been for you darling. (8) 8) Little human creature in a canvas house... yeah... it just feels too cold for erections... (8) 9) Bumpy ruined plum. (4) 16) Stemless flower, headless poppy, no erection. 10) I’m not gay or anything. I find you attractive. O shit... I said the ACROSS 1) Fuck. Donate pimp tins! You were a let down. I’m so pathetic. (6) answer. Gay... (3) 17) “So”... this one’s just making ends meet. (2) 14) See 7 across. (14) 7 & 14d) Tiny encircled foetus causes problems 18) That pussy from James Bond. She might get 15) Rubbery turn off in a second omen. The hassle of putting it on in bedroom when fucked. I swear it won’t happenme erect... maybe. (6) makes me lose my cool. (6) 20) Ahh, this is how I am right now. Imagine it, 16) Large bushy hairstyle, slide your tongue along... dance about. This again my darling. (8,11) 10) Undercarriage inside bogus setting... have I not hard, but not quite rancid. (7) one’s as hard as my penis... well... harder... (6) 21) Answer here is lens. I’m so bored of this mentioned this has never happened to me. (6) 19) Headless single parents, pay the man. (4) 11) You can’t have tea with mutts! That makes crossword. (4) 22) Inner dismal Leroy - isn’t bigger... I’m so useless... (7) me feel so naughty. Might turn me on... maybe... 23) The punned thing in that shit ‘pig medicine’ 23) A stoat’s inner grain. (4) joke. (8) (4) 25) Within Activia, gracefully I can see something which I desperately 24) This eggy acronym is obviously very under- need. (6) 12) Grunt... but less arty. Good shot! (3) 13) Prime minister. This one’s just filling space. mined. (4) 27) Soft. Fuck me I hate crosswords. (4) 26) Fucked. But said in a really cockney way. So 28) Dinky mess. Forget why! (4) Sorry. For my penis... (2) 14) Dick many [well at this rate I’ll be dicking it doesn’t sound like an opinion. (4) 30) Dodgy GCE attainment point system. (3) very few]... anyway fuck it, find buzzword. (7) 27) Soft. Done. Cushiony. Podgy. Bendy. Slack. 31) He tucks in his garment. Slangy. (3)

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Lemon Press V