The Lemon Press 44.67

Editors' Introduction

Do you feel lucky, punk? Lucky enough to come within two metres of me on my daily walk? *gunshots*

Stop right there traveller. Sit, stay a while, and peruse this finely crafted rag of satire and novel banter. Indeed, The Lemon Press has come into print, or the closest thing we have, for the second time this term. Remarkable, we know. After all, it was only... this time last year, since that happened. But whatever the winds of time, the rain of change, and the biblical plague of illness can throw at us, The Lemon Press will carry on publishing.

A lot has take place since our last edition. Well, the headlines are the same, the weather is the same, the distance from completing our dissertations is the same... maybe not that much has happened actually. Nevertheless, we have scraped the barrel, and even the bits stuck between each plank of wood, for this, the next squirting of satire onto the bonfire that is York student media.

In this issue we invite to feast upon the tapas of our opinion exchange (all cooked in our finest cursed oven) which can be washed down with a glass of tap water and the return of the Gaming Red Pill with Will (Rowan). Our after dinner entertainment will include a fox hunt with the York Tories, or you could sit down and watch Dunkirk with Nigel Farage. Guests are set to include Roger Stone, Sicilian Murphy, Toby Young, and the shining stars of the Nouse comment section.

Bon Appétit Chris Small and Harry Clay

Contents

p2 p 3‐4 p 5‐6 p7

Campus News & Politics Features Letters & Poems

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Harry Clay and Chris Small Deputy Editors: Holly Palmer and Matt Higgins Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters Campus Editor: Judd Bennett News & Politics Editors: Harry James, Niall McGenity, and Kathryn Downey Lifestyle Editors: Charles Proctor and Joe Thornton Arts Editors: Joe Thornton and Charles Proctor Sports Editor: Judd Bennett Illustrators: Holly Palmer (Front Cover and Various), Harry Clay (Various), and Niall McGenity (Various) President: Harry James Treasurer: Charles Proctor Secretary: Bex Scott Vice-President: Will Rowan Social Secretary: Beth Hubbard Ordinary Members: Nick Lunn, Niall McGenity, Chay Quinn, and Joe Thornton Contributors: Ben Walker, Tom Davies, Tom Holderness, Abdu Ezgalei, Pasky Miranda, James Rhodes Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org

You meet two radio presenters. One will only broadcast the truth, and the other will only broadcast lies. Choose wisely.

To: All TLP Artists

From the Office of the Editors

From: Chris and Harry Subject: Smut It has come to our attention, that a number of our 'artists' have been taking their time and liberty to use their talents in a rather, unprofessional manner.

It first came to our attention when the office whiteboard was left with some crude remarks about other student publications.

Normally, this is encouraged practice, but someone had taken the liberty of including a diagram, and indeed a visual representation

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Contents

Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 18th May 2020.

of what that note had described. Disgusting.

This was made even worse when a discovery was made, finding countless doodlings of us proud editors, in various revolting positions. The wost of all was a rather cruel photoshop, that seemed to show our good selves reading copies of Y*rk V*sion.

We have a short, and ignoble history of words. The filth we throw over the fence is perpetrated through our words. The lexicon is our shovel, the brain our aim, and other people our target. Not us. Not your editors.

So let this stay with you. If we catch you daring to make fun of us again, by God will you have Hell to pay for.

Back again so soon?

Harry Houdini escaped lockdown in under a minute.

York Tories Cancel Fox Hunting Social After Jolyon Maugham Kills all the Foxes in York

MyUoY App Repurposed as COVID‐19 Tracking Tool

After ignoring several angry Yorfesses, the York Tories have been forced to cancel their fox hunting social after it's been found that Jolyon Maugham has killed every fox in York. It is understood that after having failed to beat the Tories and stop Brexit, the prominent pro-EU lawyer has decided to beat the Tories by beating foxes to death with a baseball bat.

After some time in the wilderness, the MyUoY app has re-emerged as the solution to all the government’s technological needs. Matt Hancock, legendary app developer and Health Secretary, praised the app as ‘the best tracking I have ever seen, this is some Star Trek stuff right here. Beam me up.’

Whilst the York Tories have tried to explain that the event was not actually foxhunting, and they were only dressing up as foxes and hunters in tasteful way, it has to be cancelled for safety reasons, as those dressed up as foxes would be at risk from a rage fuelled lawyer in his wife’s kimono, with a baseball bat who will not rest until every chicken is safe from the fox menace, and may not be able to distinguish between a fox or someone dressed as a fox.

Joloyn Maugham told The Lemon Press that ‘No one should relish killing York Tories - and I certainly won’t. But if you haven’t been up close to a large York Tory social, perhaps reserve judgement’ however, he was unwilling to give us tips on how to get fox blood out of a kimono.

In order to replace the event with something else that respects the legacy of Roger Scruton the York Tories will be running a ‘getting sacked as a government advisor for being racist’ social.

Chris Small

The tracking technology within the MyUoY app is set to be essential for the government’s ‘test, track, trace’ strategy. Instead of monitoring lecture attendance, it will be used to track all our movements. All day. All night.

In fact, the new NHS app has been heavily modified to more closely resemble the MyUoY app. A developer on the project said, ‘it’s really incredible what they achieved, it can do so much more than lecture attendance, they already had temperature screening built-in, heart rate monitoring, it even had this 'minority report' mode where it would predict…’ The developer is now taking an ‘extended period of self-isolation, so stop asking questions mate’ according to NHS England.

Will Rowan

The Latest Scheme to Combat Gamer Violence

York Tories Create Petition to Rename Roger Kirk Centre to Roger Scruton Centre This isn’t going well.

Following the Trump Doctrine, the York Tories have chosen to double down on their connection with Roger Scruton by starting a petition to rename the Roger Kirk Centre in memory of their idol. If there’s one place that represents Scruton’s firing from the 'Building Better, Building Beautiful' commission and his numerous scandals, it’s the Roger Kirk Centre.

A former member of the York Tories told The Lemon Press, ‘this is the one thing we didn’t want to happen.’

Will Rowan

UoY College Now a Protected Characteristic Under Equality Act Legislation has recently passed adding ‘University of York College’ to the list of protected characteristics in the Equality Act 2010 alongside the likes of race, religion, and sexual orientation. Previous court precedent allowed Derwent members to make complaints against ‘unlawful treatment’ under the ‘Disability’ classification, but other colleges were left unprotected against discrimination.

The change comes as a result of a campaign after a Goodricke student almost died when a group of students pushed them in the lake, reportedly shouting 'Posh Hes-East twat'.

Forthwith, all colleges are protected against direct and indirect discrimination, harassment, and victimisation. Will this be the end of College vs. College club nights in Freshers’ Week? Most of them were just class war microcosms but with VK's anyway.

When asked to comment, the University of York said, 'We want a safe environment for all our students, no matter what college they're part of, even if they're in Halifax'.

Harry Clay

So, from now on, there'll be no more chanting 'Derwent has Asbestos', which isn't a great loss as it hasn't been unironically funny since first year.

Beth Hubbard

We all gave up on our dissertations to make this.

Campus

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Proudly censored, I mean sponsored, by YUSU.

Toby Young Defends ‘Cancelled’ Coronavirus Toby Young has stepped in to defend Coronavirus after it was deplatformed at universities and schools worldwide. This follows a string of problematic behaviour from Coronavirus that’s made it be put on no-fly lists from Europe to the US. Young issued the following statement, ‘Coronavirus is just the latest victim of cancel culture. This should concern us all. What’s next? Measles? The Plague? Spanish Flu? We have to stand up for free speech.'

As a member of the Free Speech Union, Coronavirus is receiving support from a very loud minority on Twitter. Young tweeted, ‘It’s a disgrace, they’re going to close all the schools and universities just to escape debating Coronavirus, what are they hiding from? This is the future liberals want!’ Young says he’s not a huge fan of Coronavirus but it’s clear that debate in the marketplace of ideas is how best to deal with the crisis.

Will Rowan

A Challenger Emerges After years of dominance in the satanic inspired kitchen equipment battle, the cursed oven has had its crowning title threatened by the cursed hob.

Six Meaningless Statistics That Show The Government are Doing a Good Job Following in a noble tradition of nonsense numbers delivered by a member of the cabinet at the daily briefing, the Government have released the latest statistics on their efforts to curb Coronavirus.

Here’s what they've delivered so far…

• 8 million billion trillion atoms of PPE was delivered to care homes over the last month.

• 100 Olympic swimming pools worth of Oxygen was delivered to NHS patients two weeks last Thursday.

• At least 8x the wartime spirit of D-day.

• More single-use PPE than the NHS uses per week (if each item is used at least twice).

• 127,000 Aston Martin DB9 boots full of something doctors said they’d die without.

• Enough clapping to be seen from space if you’re watching a live stream of a seismograph positioned in central London at 8 PM on a Thursday.

Will Rowen

Governments Fight over The Vaccine’s Next Album The UK Government has just put in an order for 10 million copies of The Vaccine’s next album. This is a direct reply to criticisms that they've been reactionary and are still playing catch up. The Vaccine's frontman, Justin Young, has called the album a 'game-changer' and Matt Hancock agrees. In a statement, Hancock said, 'this unprecedented partnership is just one way we're working with British manufacturers to support the national interest'.

Michael Gove Announces Testing Rollout for GCSE Students With Johnson out of action, Gove has stepped in to announce plans to rapidly increase testing of ‘frontline’ GCSE students. Within a week, Gove plans to personally test 100,000 GCSE students per day.

In a statement, Gove said he was ‘following WHO guidelines and my own reforming sensibilities’ and that ‘only contact tracing and thorough testing will rid us of the disease of underperforming students’.

The existing GCSE test takes months and requires years of preparation. Gove's solution is to only test the essentials: Maths, 18th century poetry, and a modern foreign language. This new test will only take mere weeks. An antibody test promises to check whether students have been previously tested: if they dislike Gove, they certainly have.

This was to the surprise of the medical and scientific professionals flanking him. Gove’s 30 minute primetime monologue on education reform was ‘following the latest scientific advice’ according to the Deputy Chief Scientific Officer. I have a strange, gnawing feeling that this wasn’t part of the original four-point plan.

Will Rowon

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News & Politics

This decision represents another radical departure from other countries. Germany and France are both opting for The Cure while Trump hedges his bets with the The Killers. However, scientists have urged caution over worries that ‘kiss me, kiss me, kiss me’ may be sending mixed messages to the public.

Will Rowin

Elon Musk Invents a Ventilator That Looks, Feels, and Drives Just Like a Tesla Model 3 Is there anything this man can’t do? Elon Musk just took to the stage in an empty 20,000 seater stadium to announce he’s created a new, improved kind of ventilator. It looks like the Tesla Model 3, it parks autonomously like the Tesla Model 3, and it costs the same as the Tesla Model 3: $35,000. The resemblance is uncanny! Musk has been keen to emphasise that while it’s identical in every respect to a Tesla Model 3, it’s vital that governments purchase them right now.

What an innovator!

Critics have called this a cynical ploy by Musk to boost sales numbers of the Model 3 but Musk vehemently disagrees. ‘They’re just like that guy from Thailand, I want to say the word but my lawyers advise against it, can I say nonce? No, ok I didn’t say that, is this off the record?’ said Musk in a Twitter livestream.

Will Rowun

Find more content like this on our website.

The Lemon Press: Now with worse spelling than York Vision.

Romancing Roger Stone Finally, Romancing the Stone is getting the reboot it deserves in the upcoming romantic-adventure: Romancing Roger Stone. This sleeper hit revolves around the steamy romance and (possibly) illegal activities between Trump and convicted felon Roger Stone. The year is 2016 and Stone is meeting with Assange in a desperate bid to help Trump’s election and to win his heart. The producers, Dark Money inc., released the following plot summary: A dowdy political consultant is hurled into a real-life adventure in the Ecuadorian Embassy in order to save his candidate, who will lose his campaign if a dossier is not delivered to him. He is helped out by Assange, a self-proclaimed ‘data journalist’, and together they search for the priceless intel located in the dossier.

However, the film has not been without controversy. Technology similar to that used in The Irishman has been utilised to boost Stone’s muscle mass and make it look like Assange has been outside in the last five years. I can’t wait to see it.

Will Rowan

Assassins Creed: Valhalla Trailer Labelled as Blatant Heathen Propaganda From Wintanceastre to Eoforwic the good people of this kingdom are up in arms as Ubisoft announce their latest Assassins Creed game ‘Valhalla’, set during the recent Dane invasion of Bryttania.

Many have called for the game to be banned after the announcement depicted the obviously fictitious heroics of a heathen brute in a stunning cinematic trailer.

One man from Medeshamstede said he had been deeply shaken by the reveal. 'These monsters burned my home, they murdered my mother and abducted my sister, they destroyed my life. This is beyond insensitive, and I shan’t believe such behaviour should ever be forgiven, yet alone glorified'. He continued 'first they pillage your church and then they pay Ubisoft to piss all over it. Despicable'.

The king is reportedly pleased to learn where his last payoff went, though worried about an inevitable DLC in which he will be assassinated.

Harry James

Nigel Farage Seen Panic Buying Copies of Dunkirk on Blu‐Ray Ex-UKIP leader and election loser Nigel Farage has been seen frantically clearing the shelves of Dunkirk in his local supermarket.

He proceeded to load his trolley with a mixture of gammon and choc ices, skittering through the isles in a state of mad agitation. If there’s one thing Farage knows, and it may be the only thing: Dunkirk’s bonus features and director’s commentary will see him through the tough months ahead.

Retailers across the country have noticed a surge in sales of Fight Club, Joker, and Inception as a siege mentality grips Brexit Britain. A man interviewed on Channel 4 struggled to explain how he was going to live for a fortnight on the 10 Union Jacks he’d just purchased. In Tewkesbury, customers came to blows after Sainsbury’s restricted the sale of The Dark Knight to two copies per customer.

Will Rowan

Rockstar Hire Priti Patel to Consult on Bully Sequel Rockstar Games are set to announce the return of a sequel to cultclassic Bully. More importantly, they’re bringing an expert to consult on this next-gen bullying experience: Secretary of State Priti Patel.

A Rockstar spokesperson heaped praise on Patel’s credentials, ‘Priti knows the exact mindset of a bully. She thinks exactly like a bully.

Exactly. It’s scary how well suited she is for this role.’ Patel brings first-person hands-on experience to the third-person actionadventure game.

Patel hopes to help Rockstar bring an authentic bullying experience to the masses. ‘Teaming up with Rockstar allows me to bring a passion project to a worldwide audience and for that I’m grateful.’

Patel is spearheading a new ‘humiliation’ game mechanic, the details of which are to be unveiled at E3. She’s being given £25,000 for her work but more payouts are expected as the extent of her expertise come to light.

Will Rowan

thelemonpress.co.uk

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News & Politics

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Owen Jones made me forget shorthand

This Edition's Conundrum: When was the last time you were tested?

I’m being tested right now. I’m the local man who has to be tested at least 25,000 times per day to help Matt Hancock meet his targets.

I’m swabbed more in an hour than Justin Gatlin has been in his entire athletic career. All 40,000 home-based tests were shipped to my address and apparently it’s still not enough.

Will Rowan ‐ Deposed Editor

My last 'test' was when my wife told me to have a vasectomy, just so I'd stop producing my illegitimate heirs with my mistress! No 'test'(icles) for me in the near future, I reckon! It's feminism gone mad!

Sir Joseph Smyth‐Waltering, KBE, BSc, MP for Derwent‐On‐The‐Blyth ‐ 'Cyril Smith did Nothing Wrong' Campaigner

You’re testing my fucking patience Ben Walker ‐ Sacked Beauty Assistant

Life is a test that everyone fails.

Tom Davies ‐ An Older, More Dishevelled Deposed Editor

The last time I was tested was Saturday afternoon. My wife made a roast dinner but with NO GRAVY. No gravy? Is this woman insane?

God give me strength, the lord clearly tested my patience. It is wearing thin...

Abdu Ezgalei ‐ Senior Figure in Libyan Government

Long ago when the land was under the Darkness of the Carrion Thanes I was but a boy, raised in the honours of the Fallen Kingdoms of Iskaala. At that time the warriors under the dread banner of rust plundered the villages and hamlets, taking livestock and children from their homes for rituals most profane in the Citadel of Guaron. It was then Gorondir spoke to me. 'Go!' He said.

'Journey westward for three moons and sunrises. There in the barrow of Unsulata you shall find the Blade of Seven Kings. Go to the citadel of your foe and bathe that sword of ages in their blood.'

And so it was I ventured three moons and sunrises, and there in the tomb of the hallowed Unsulata I found his blade, untouched for time immemorial. The bandits of the rust fell upon me and I hacked them in twain, left and right I felled the foul barbarians to a man. Then, atop the cursed parapets of this dark place stood the Lord Theg himself. After hours he finally had me yielded, mine blade arm fatigued like the oxen at dusk. As he raised his damned staff to conjure the dark spell to finish me I struck true with my final wind, the Blade of Seven Kings piercing his putrid heart. I was tested that day by gods and men, by might and by steel, but I rose victorious.

None have tested me since.

Pasky Miranda ‐ Probably best not to think too hard about this one

Schools serve the same social functions as prisons and mental institutions - to define, classify, and regulate people. Is it surprising that the cellular prison, with its regular chronologies, forced labour, its authorities of surveillance and registration, its experts in normality, who continue and multiply the functions of the judge, should have become the modern instrument of penality? Is it surprising that prisons resemble factories, schools, barracks, seminar rooms, lecture theatres, the York Sport Arena, which all resemble prisons?

Tom Holderness ‐ Noted Agitator I just took a DNA test, turns out I'm 100% that bitch. Oh wait... the doctor says it was a false positive. Can I never catch a break?!

Jack Harvey ‐ Doesn't Know He's In This Issue

We Asked our Writers for their Favourite Comments from the Nouse Website

And no, we didn't post any of them

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Features

Want to download and print out your own copy?

I've clapped, have you?

NEW: Agony Ally Over the last few months, my inbox has been full of concerns, queries and gaming-related pleas for help. That’s why I’ve brought in reinforcements: your Agony Ally. She’s here to answer the call (and your questions).

Question from Tim Allen: I’ve invested over 3,000 hours into Dota 2. I don’t regret a second, it’s just that I’m worried about my son, Jon. I missed his birth, baptism, and 7th birthday recently. To reiterate, I have no regrets. I’m just concerned that Jon might grow up to be a great gamer like his dad. He wants to play outside and become a doctor. How do I keep him on the straight and narrow?

Agony Ally: Don’t worry Tim, we’ve all been there. I suggest we turn to one of the greatest game theorists of our time: Jean-Baptiste Lamarck. Lamarck tells us that our learnt gaming skills pass onto our offspring through a process he likes to call ‘evolution’. So don’t worry, your gaming experience has given Jon the best shot in life of becoming an e-sports player. That’s all a parent can do.

Let’s Keep Politics Out of Games Last week, I was shutting down hospitals and using their funding to research battery technology which would make the Nintendo Switch run forever in Democracy 3. The week before, I killed 180 ‘grunts’ in a single day while playing Gears 5. It was only after these two incredible weeks that I started to think, ‘why can’t we keep politics out of video games?’

I know, I know, Call of Duty is apolitical. You can murder people online with a motive of your choosing — without liberals trying to get you to catch feelings. That’s the beauty of video games, you don’t have to think. Films have managed to do it, why can’t video games? I’ve watched lots recently… Apocalypse Now, The Thin Red Line, Come and See... each one is pure entertainment and no politics.

Just the way it should be.

Question from Greg Daniels: Where’s my money? You subcontracted me out to the highest bidder. You promised the world and fleeced me for every penny. Your so-called ‘internship’ is a SHAM! Agony Ally: I will be out of the office starting today through 01/01/2077 returning never. If you need immediate assistance during my absence, please contact EA on 07795554431. Otherwise I will respond to your emails as soon as possible upon my return.

Question from Elon Musk (three weeks ago): Why aren’t you answering my emails? I need advice on naming my child. I’ve got it down to Dustin or X Æ A-12. I’m a bit concerned that Dustin would get bullied at school, any advice?

Agony Ally: …

Have a question? Send them in to gamewizard99@gmail.com or phone 07795554431

Internship Update Unfortunately, due to the Coronavirus crisis, the previously advertised internship in ethical games journalism will not be taking any more applicants. It was a very successful program: 300 applicants fought over a single coveted place! The winner, Greg Daniels, has spent the last six months on loan as a Q&A tester for EA: repeatedly walking into next-gen invisible walls until the game crashes. I’ve taken his salary to teach Greg the meaning of hard work… or something like that.

Email us at thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com

Key Gamers Told To Get Back to Work Digital economies have ground to a halt during the pandemic. Every day we see pictures of people crowding into Lumbridge on Runescape as they’re forced to choose between risking their health and putting some freshly caught crayfish on the table. The Grand Exchange is rammed. Social distancing is by no means being observed.

In The Next Issue…

The Gamification of Games Must Stop Gears of War 5: Fact or Fiction?

Square Enix Unveil 2D RPG Adapted From the Film ‘Being John Malkovich’ Switch 2 Rumour Roundup: Four Screens, 16 Analogue Sticks, and It Weighs 10 Grams The Only Way to Play Dark Souls: Blindfolded, Handcuffed, and Begging to be Released

Features

6

Stay Alert! Read the Lemon Press!

Letters to the Editors Dear Sirs, It has come to my attention that there are two significant advantages to this lockdown.

1) I can dress like an IRA gunman in public and not get weird looks.

2) Probably some other reasons.

Yours, Tom Davies Dear Editors, Dear lord what a sad little life, Editors. Enjoy the money, Editors. You've ruined my publication. I just hope you take the money and spend it on a comment section, because your comments have all the grace and decorum of a broken spam filter of a superior publication.

Yours spitefully, Tommy Boot.

Editors, I am not a naughty boy, I am the Activities Officer elect.

Regards, Brian Dear Editors, How many people does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn’t matter as long as they follow social distancing guidelines.

Now… Laura? BBC? Cheers, Matt Hancock Dear Editors, Back in my day when you were stuck for letters, you just made up stuff and put Jack Harvey’s name at the end, Yours, Will Rowan You Two, Please stop bullying me, it's gone too far.

Cheers, Jack Harvey ﴾'s crying now﴿

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Dear Sirs, It has come to my attention that your publication is publishing too much news. Indeed, in this publication itself, there are two whole pages of news, and the same can be said for the last one as well. Outrageous. It's a well known fact that all news on this campus MUST be published through Nouse. This complete lack of camaradie has lead to that dear publication only mustering a piece of news each week! How dare you stand in their way, you rotton scoundrels. They should be churning out stories like you churn out bollocks, but the only thing churning here is my stomach.

The Next Generation of Super Mario Films set to Take a Gritty Turn

Yours regrettably, Charles Handbasket Niall McGenity

Chris and Harry, Guys, please stop making jokes about Nouse. Let me finish dealing with media committee without another fucking argument.

Please, Ollie Martin Dear Editors, Please stop following me on Twitter, it reminds me of the fact you exist.

No thanks, Bex Scott To whom it may concern, Stop being so concerned.

Cheers Gavin ﴾Stockton﴿ Dear Editors I found your article about Boris’ child’s name very nice. I’m definitely not jealous of him, and I’m very happy for Carrie.

Kindly, Harry ‘I swear I’m not a Cuck’ Cole

Letters & Poems

Before Now It's hard to remember of life before now, Before this virus turned the dials of joy down, Going for a few with a couple of mates, 'Get that one down, we're going to be late!'

Bus shakes around like a ship on the sea, 'When's the next stop! I need to pee!'

Bar after bar, the fluid flows, When will it stop, nobody knows, The boozing would shame our mothers and fathers, But with their cash in hand we go farther and farther, A wobble too far, down on the floor, Having a 'brief word' with the law, 'Quick, 'round the corner!' Get away fast, But the thrill just will not last, Stomach feeling rough, need a place to vomit, Bins are all full, they just won't cut it, I'm home late, tired, my jacket unclean, My life's probably better thanks to COVID-19.

Harry Clay

Haiku for Halifax

Haiku From Helmer

There’s a loud party Silverfish and I can’t sleep Still, it beats Derwent.

James Rhodes

Strange stories circulate, Concerning myself online, Please just make it stop.

Roger Helmer MEP

We'll be back in a few weeks.