The Indian Standard | DEC 2020

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BY JANANI

THANUSKA SUBRAMANIAM

ON DARK SKINNED REPRESENTATION AND HOW TO GROW A PLATFORM

SRAVYA KALYANAPU ON CREATING A BUSINESS AND THE MENTAL TOLL IT TAKES

TULSI THAKOR

ON DEALING WITH TRAUMA AND HOW IT AFFECTED HER VIEW ON THE BROWN COMMUNITY

KIRAN RAJAN

ON BREAKING BARRIERS IN RAP MUSIC AND HIS MENTAL HEALTH JOURNEY

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D DEC 2020

TABLE OF CONTENTS 03 Theme Explanation

18 Men, Money and Marriage

39 An Interview with Tulsi Thakor

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Deepak Seshadri

An Interview with Thanuska Subramaniam

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Steven Injety

An Interview with Sravya Kalyanapu

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An Interview with Kiran Rajan

Power of a Woman's Wyll

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i am brown. say it with confidence. i am brown. i am a combination of what my parents and my peers taught me. i am brown and american. i will pass on knowledge and understanding, rather than oppression of free will. i am everything and nothing that this world has presented to me and i am going to succeed. not because i am the "first brown person to do 'blank'" but because i am me.

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I AM BROWN pg 6

M IcultureN D

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culture an aspect that is so engrained in our soul. our roots, our minds and our actions are so wrapped in the concept of what will people think? how will my actions perceive to the greater public? how strange is it, that when it comes to Indian culture, a lot of us think about social oppression and the reduction of free will?

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Deepak Seshadri FROM THE DIARY OF

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...5, 4, 3, 2, 1...POP! Excited voices exclaiming, “Happy New Year!” are all I can hear. A bottle of sparkling cider is opened and frothy bubbles of sugary goodness ooze out. It’s a family tradition... every year we huddle in front of the television, watch the countdown to New Years, and celebrate the occasion with a bottle of Shop-Rite brand sparkling cider. This year, there was a certain excitement that hung in the air because everyone was talking about 2020. The end of a decade and the beginning of something exciting, something new. I had no idea that the impending year would be so turbulent. The tragic death of Kobe Bryant and a global pandemic, contributing to academic and personal struggles, all of which resulted in a pervading sense of loneliness. Confusion. Darkness. This was not how it was supposed to go, and yet here we are. Despite the chaos, there is something that I was able to learn from this year: becoming more comfortable with...

Uncertainty.

It’s something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember, and the more I think about it, the more I realize just how much this feeling has impacted me. Every single area of my life has been affected by my desire for things to be solidified and certain. It drives me to aim for perfection in everything I do, to crave the stability that comes from knowing. Knowing exactly what comes next, what to do, how to do it, and where I go from there.

Schoolwork? My google calendar always stays updated, and each assignment has its own plan of attack. Clinical work? On any given day, you can find me poring through readings about the most effective kind of psychotherapeutic intervention for different kinds of cases (I’m a second year Doctoral student in Clinical Psychology). Creative exploits? I know my photography manual settings like the back of my hand, and always have a writing piece or two in the works. It sounds good in theory, and may even at times work in practice. But lately, and especially this year, I have found myself wondering what I would do if, in spite of all my plans, life still knocked me down. The control that I was seeking so fervently, just gone. Now what? What’s next when everything I had meticulously planned is rendered moot by the sweeping tides of life, and all that’s left is…

Uncertainty?

Otherwise known by my mind as the deep dark abyss of the unknown, where lots of terrible and scary things happen. Though I value spontaneity, there’s just something about knowing that has always comforted me. It helps to ease the mind of an over thinker like myself. The thing is, what I’ve come to realize more and more, is that life is FILLED with uncertainties and none of those things are in my control. Which brings me back to the million dollar question… “What do I do?” If anyone feels or has ever felt the same way I do, I get it. It’s hard when you feel this dissonance that seems impossible to resolve. What I’ve found that helps me, is to find solace in a very simple but seemingly scary idea: Trust.

Through the uncertainty, past the overthinking, and over the games your mind tries to play, anchor yourself in something concrete...yourself. Something that, I can assure you, is worth the trust you’re giving it. Trust in your ability to be a game changer, your creativity to color outside the lines, the ingenuity of your ideas, the strength of your intuition, and trust yourself enough to let go. Funnily enough, by releasing your grasp on externalities, you will begin to find a heightened sense of agency from within. To control what you can, accept what you cannot, and adapt to any situation that you may find yourself in...without being confined by the expectations of what should be or what should have been. It helps me, and I hope this helps you.

- Deepak Seshadri

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an interview with Thanuska Subramaniam

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How do you navigate the brown community?

The first thing that I hear is trash talking dark skinned people. That has always been prevalent and overall in the brown community, there is this huge lack of support. I don’t know what is and if it’s a generational issue, but I do see negativity from time to time. However, in the content creation space, I have seen a lot of support from my peers and colleagues, so it’s nice to see that change. In the beginning, I didn’t really feel any negativity, but when I started growing, of course that started to change. Overall though, I am someone who protects my mental health and so oftentimes, as hard as it is, I do tend to ignore the negativity. Your mental health can take a toll when you think and digest the hate. Sometimes you will end up questioning yourself, for example, if you see a negative post, you might think “oh, is that true… do other people think that as well…” and you can make your mind spiral. So before that, I like to just put a halt to it and make sure that pg 13 I am protecting myself from the hate.

Honestly, content creation is not something that I had planned. I loved makeup growing up and did Bharatanatyam when I was younger. A few years later, an opportunity presented itself where I had to do someone’s makeup and people kept reaching out to me to start this venture. I also love teaching, but I didn’t really see myself doing YouTube until I saw some makeup tutorials online, and thought, “oh I could actually do this and combine multiple passions”. My partner also happens to be a videographer and our paths crossed, so I ended up going with it and pursuing content creation full time. When you start because you have fun with it, you will succeed because you are being authentic with yourself.

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How did you get into your identity and declare your style on Instagram?

I have so many different styles and I kind of like that about myself. I have so many layers, for example I am a tomboy but nobody would go on Instagram and assume that - I am in sweatpants and play sports all the time. At this point, rather than looking at what everyone else is doing, I just like to focus on what looks good together and post that. At the end of the day, my perception of what looks good is going to be unique and the last thing I want is to do what everyone else is doing.

People have told me that they learn from me because I am a darker complexion and they found hope that there were products out there that worked for that, so it’s really shocking and refreshing to hear that I am helping that community. I definitely thought I was alone with this problem, so it’s very motivating to know that I can help in this department.

How do you deal with the concept that skill and knowledge is not really appreciated within social media?

I definitely feel that trends pick up a lot more than a more thought out video, but that’s the world now. If you want to succeed you do have to adapt and make things your own. It’s a combination of doing what Instagram wants you to do and staying authentic - being in this world we have so many tools to succeed, so it’s important to capitalize on that. I have been told my content stands out and since I choose to be very vibrant and unique, I think people appreciate that.

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How do you deal with the hard days of content creation?

You really have to believe in your craft and your passions. There are so many days when I feel unmotivated too, but this is my full time job and it can be hard. I know I speak on behalf of a lot of content creators and influencers, but we put out content without any pay. Of course, we want to grow and get those opportunities eventually, but that doesn’t come without hard work and doing most things without monetary commission. You have to be really ambitious and when the Instagram algorithm changes, it can be very debilitating to see those numbers drop. I go through ups and downs and sometimes, you just have to pick yourself up and keep doing what you love.

When I am in those slumps, I just change it up. If I am not feeling like doing a makeup post, I’ll drop a dance video or fashion post - you just have to constantly do what you want and be consistent, because if you want opportunities, you have to be diligent.

Tell us about your mental health journey.

It is very common for people to have trauma in childhood and with families. I have gone through a lot in the past few years as well, but honestly, even on my darkest days, I ask what is my “why”. This keeps me motivated because if you’re still here and breathing, you have a purpose. Of course, it is natural to want to stay in bed and be upset, I mean that’s human nature, but I know what I can accomplish and I have trained myself to see the bigger picture. My trauma has molded me into who I am today, so I have learned a lot about myself and how to mitigate these hard days.

I am definitely the type of person to dwell on my past. I have learned and analyzed each situation from my past, but I think that if you can sit here and say “hey, I could have handled this differently and been a little bit better here”, I think that is growth. Next time something like this happens, I will be more prepared and have a chance to show that I have grown.

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Men, Money and Marriage

a comparison between Made in Heaven and Isabella Whitney's Wyll and Testament

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Although it seems that the young people of this day and age are overly consumed on their image, this phenomenon has existed for generations upon generations. Isabella Whitney is unknown for the most part, however, one small piece of her life is understood - she was of a lower class. Knowing this, her piece Wyll and Testament has brought great clarity into understanding the type of life she lived and how she struggled. Writing about pain is common, however, she was criticized and not at all appreciated in her time as she was not a rich man who wrote about the frivolous details of life. Recognizing the importance of class and structure among society is crucial and appears in many cultures and societies beyond 17th-century London.

To many Indians, family, culture, and tradition is everything. It constructs the foundation of our nation and to many, is worth risking lifelong unhappiness to saving said tradition - to the point that the Hindi phrase “Loh Kya Kahenge” or “What will people say?” is known throughout all of India - to Hindi speakers and non-Hindi speakers alike. The show, Made in Heaven is a new Amazon Prime special that details this very phenomenon as young Tara chooses to learn the “skills” of the upper class and marries into a large and successful family. Towards the end of the show, she reveals how she feels saddened by the lack of roots she has in her life. This enlightenment she feels, among other pressing issues, makes her feel more and more distant to her husband. Resentment for herself losing touch with her roots causes her to lash out and this is truly a testament to how she feels about herself and the society.

Although Tara has made a name for herself in her wedding planning business, Made in Heaven, she still feels like the “odd one out [of upper-class society]” as she confesses in the last episode. She rose to a higher society yet still feels empty: a concept that has been explored by many but still comes as a shocker since many only wish to have copious amounts of wealth.

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Wyll and Testament is a poem about the struggles that Whitney endures with her lack of money and class and how that affects her life. She names the poem strategically and calls this her “social death” and wishes to disappear completely. Ironically, this piece is the last she wrote and is definitely a mark against the society she was living in. The Indian society and the problems within are very similar to what Whitney struggled with throughout her life. In Made in Heaven, there were examples of blatantly disregarding the woman’s opinion and it was apparent how the patriarchy never dies. Additionally, it talks about how weddings and a woman and a man being married is the “biggest day of a girl’s life” as they always state. It is understood that Whitney was unmarried, and it has the audience questioning if she would have been more well known if she was.

In this society, it seems class is the only way to success and this show and Whitney’s piece argues that while money is necessary, the frivolous aspects of life fade quickly: happiness within oneself is undying. Marriage, money and men are the three factors that society press on women and while it seems that this age is distancing from traditional gender roles, an argument can be made that it is only within the middle class. The upper class and other parts of the world have yet to accept that women have a profound say in society. The frustration and anger behind Wyll and Testament and Made in Heaven is one and the same and it is astonishing that the same problems exists 450 years later; making it clear that this patriarchal world must fade.

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B OreligionD Y

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religion as we understand that life isn't what it seems, we note that religion is the cornerstone for Indian culture. most of our understand of the world in the Indian world, comes from what the Vedic scriptures state, however, that thought has evolved into something far more oppressive than liberal. religion was one of those things growing up that brought a lot of discomfort in many homes. if you didn't follow what your parents told, you were a shame to the family, disregarding the entire concept that religion and your belief in God, is entirely personal.

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Steven Injety FROM THE DIARY OF

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My mother used to tell me stories when I was a kid. She still does. When I was younger she told me a story about European missionaries who came bearing great news to her grandfather’s village (Mukuperi-Prakasam area) about Jesus and His salvation. To their Anglo-Saxon shock, my great-grandfather was aware and already believed in Jesus before the European missionaries came to him. What appealed to me about this event is that the Europeans came dressed in European attire, equipped with his European customs, while my great grandfather wore his Tamil attire, in addition to his Tamil customs and both believed in Jesus. Two people from two different cultures united by their faith. This story taught me from a young age that I can enjoy dosa and believe in Jesus. I can have a Christian(note I did not say Western) name while wearing a lungi. I can be an Indian Christian without having to choose between the two.

Culture and religion are structured in a manner that they both influence each other. Culture is how we experience the world. Religion is how we understand the world. Being a reasonably observant Indian Christian, it is very easy to notice the tension between the identities of being Indian and being a Christian.

Since Christians are a relatively small number (32 million or 2.3 percent) of India’s population, IndianChristian culture exists in small pockets of expressions. They exist, not in mainstream media, politics, sports or holidays, but in weekly outbursts of expression in churches and church-related functions. Thus, we see that South Asian Christians often have to compartmentalise their identity. Indian Christians are tempted to choose to be either “fully” Indian, or “fully” Christian, while rejecting the other. I find this to be a sad predicament. As identity is not fully defined by culture or religion, but a combination of a multitude of variables and factors. Identity may seem like a redundant issue that does not have much impact on someone’s life. When in reality, these seemingly ignorable identity issues are what affect how connected our future generations will be to their past. I do not want to rob my children of thousands of years of history by not passing it down. While it may feel more comfortable short-term, to choose between the two, denying either your religion(or disbelief in religion) or your culture is denying a huge part of yourself.

In the same way that Indian culture is often confused and reduced to Hindu culture, Christian culture can be and is confused with Western culture. As a Christian, it saddens me that my belief system is perceived as Western Culture. At times, this induces feelings of feeling as an outsider in my own faith. As an Indian, it saddens me that my culture is perceived as Hindu Culture. This induces feelings of feeling as an outsider in my own culture. I cannot deny the huge influence that Christianity has on Western culture, and Hinduism has on Indian culture. Most cultural holidays, diet, celebrations and customs have some relation to the predominant religion. However, in order to truly appreciate the depth of the cultures and religions, we should not conflate the two. Indian culture belongs to all who have Indian lineage and history, regardless of religion. Christianity belongs to all who accept Jesus as their savior, regardless of lineage and history.

I came to America to study in a private Christian university in Michigan. When I first landed in Chicago Airport with little knowledge of where I was going, I was slightly overwhelmed to say the least. I searched around for any friendly faces in the airport. To my dismay, I could not see any. However, I saw Indianlooking people and gravitated towards them. After a while they struck up a conversation and they ended up helping me get arrangements to my university. Two people from two different faiths united by their culture.

This experience taught me that I can be an Indian Christian without having to choose between the two.

- Steven Injety

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"I was born in India and moved to Canada when I was ten years old. I am a recent graduate with a bachelor's degree in Chemical Engineering from University of Alberta, with work experience in project management in the Oil & Gas industry. I have had a passion for entrepreneurship for as long as I can remember. The idea of creating something from nothing, to solve problems, and to create something useful that would add value and enrich others was absolutely magical. I am so happy and proud to have started my journey into the world of entrepreneurship through Mango People."

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an interview with S

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Why and how did you start Mango People?

I am a person that’s very mindful of my skincare and of what I put in my body. When it comes to makeup I’ve struggled to find a brand that’s truly clean and with shades that are actually flattering on my skin tone. I’ve spent countless hours reading and researching the ingredients of the so called clean beauty brands. Even with a chemical engineering background, I was unable to understand most of the ingredients. Many leading beauty brands labels boast “clean” products, even though the pigments used to color their cosmetics are filled with petroleum by-products and other chemicals. Due to poor regulations, their marketing teams can take creative liberties as to what constitutes a “clean” product. My solution to this problem is Mango People. I strived to create a line of products that is inclusive of all skin shades, without compromising on ingredients or performance. I began by going back to my South Asian roots, where our ancestors have often used elements in nature to beautify themselves. I started experimenting with clays and pigment rich fruits and flowers such as cherries and hibiscus. I researched Ayurvedic principles and its teachings of using powerful plants and herbs to heal the body, mind and spirit. After five years of research and formulation, Mango People was born.

How have you dealt with the brown community on social media?

I have always received immense support and love from the South Asian community. From my time at the Miss World Canada pageant to launching Mango People, they have been my biggest supporters. Most take immense pride in seeing a fellow South Asian grow and succeed, while representing our culture and values. pg 28

"Mango People is a brand that is entirely inspired from our culture that respects, and uses elements in nature to beautify ourselves. Our philosophy - if you cannot eat it, it does not belong on the skin. I carefully selected high performance, plant based ingredients to ensure the most effective results for the skin, without compromising on performance. Beyond the products, I hope for the brand to be a place for equal representation, sustainability and transparency within the industry."

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Did you deal with insecurities when bringing your business to social media?

Absolutely !! I was very excited but also very nervous to introduce Mango People through social media.

Creating and sharing content on social media was especially terrifying, and brought many doubts and insecurities. I began to compare Mango People with other brands, and placed a lot of pressure on myself when I posted a video or a photo that didn’t perform as well as others.

This was very unlike me as prior to my business launch social media was a place I would come to destress and unwind. I soon began to obsess ! I used to check my post every five minutes to see if there had been more likes or views. I would wake up in the middle of the night to check my follower count, and check my phone again first thing in the morning for new notifications. I began to feel more and more anxious everyday, and with every post.

With the help of my family and friends, I realized that these habits are holding me back in my business and my life. I stopped with the social comparisons, and unplugged and took a step back. Instead, I focused on my strengths, and what I can offer to the audience. I began to focus on my own journey, and creating content that my audience will love, and more importantly that I enjoy creating.

Tell us about your mental health journey.

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It has been rocky at the beginning, but I am at a great place right now.

I slipped into perfectionistic habits, and placed immense pressure on myself to attain perfection in everything I did. I believed that if it isn’t perfect, then I have failed. These unrealistic expectations led to a lot of anxiety, and stress. I went days without eating properly, and sleeping. I used to be up at 3 PM wondering what more I should do to make the formulation even better, or the product or the marketing … the list went on and got longer each night. My husband was a huge support system during these times. He helped me realize that perfectionism will lead me to a more stressful life and in the long run will actually hinder my performance. He helped me adapt a positive, purposeful “do your best” attitude rather than “be perfect.” Now I make a conscious effort to be self-compassionate each and every day. I try to halt the negative thoughts in my head, and focus my efforts on positive thinking. Taking care of yourself and your mental well-being is essential to lead a joyous life, and no other goals should be put above it.

S OspiritU L

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spirit through our understanding of culture and religion, we can understand that we are in a complex space. we were ridiculed for our skin color, ridiculed for our food, and ostracized if we brought our culture to the white world. however, do not let this crush you. our roots are powerful, and through education, we can live freely.

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Anonymous FROM THE DIARY OF

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In the UK male suicides have accounted for three-quarters of all suicides since the mid-1990’s, and there has been a 93.8% rise in suicides amongst women under 25 since 2012. Often family and friends of those who suffered from this felt as though they wished their loved one would have just spoken to them about it, but I think it is unrealistic to expect this. I don’t mean for this piece to be a discussion of how to offer alternative methods of prevention as I would always recommend anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts to talk to someone, as I did, but I do think that acceptance of death can be an effective means of gaining more appreciation for life.

I have always found communicating with others difficult starting off with my family, perhaps even stemming from my in-ability to communicate with my family. I am the youngest of 6 but by the time I was born my mother was suffering from quite bad depression and always wanted to be alone, and my father worked so much that if he ever was at home then he was asleep.

My communication problems led to my siblings bullying me quite a lot, so I ended up spending far too much time alone during my developmental years.

I’ve found I’m able to make friends but I’ve never been able to participate in discussions which I think has always been a barrier to me forming close connections.

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Before I make It sound like my parents were neglectful monsters I must add that they did notice but my inability to communicate even hindered my ability to seek help, and I think they just hoped I would grow out of it. I always thought that university would alleviate these problems, that the broad opportunities for socialisation would allow me to finally figure out how to talk to people. But I struggled just as much as ever, made few friends, and grew into depression. I began placing far too much pressure on myself to improve which made me even worse off.

I left university feeling as though I had failed to accomplish what I had set out to do, and on returning home my relationship with my family felt even worse. It was even harder to talk to them because it felt like I was talking to a stranger. At this point I felt completely alone and hopeless, and this is when the thoughts of suicide began to creep into my mind. I must admit that at first the main reason it seemed that I was having these thoughts was because I wanted to make my family wish they had made more of an effort with me. I attempted to continue to work on my communication skills by getting a job that required these skills quite heavily and going to a social anxiety therapy group. Neither of which felt as though they helped me figure out what those key conversational skills that I was missing were.

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I went back to university and this time instead of risking failing yet again I decided to isolate myself, this was by far the worst year of my life and I never want to experience loneliness like that again. I experienced a psychosis which caused me to start hearing voices not in my head but around me, I became so paranoid that if there was just a slither of an opening in my blinds, I would feel like someone was watching me. At this point thinking about how killing myself would make my parents feel was actually the only thing preventing me from going through with it, because now I actually wanted to do it for me, because I couldn’t take the pain anymore, because I was afraid of how my mental condition might worsen.

Through counselling I learned how to talk to myself about my feelings, I didn’t feel any better, but I could at least control these feelings and not allow them to control my mood. A big point that was stressed to me in counselling was that I need to accept how I feel and who I am. I couldn’t shake the feeling to just kill myself and one day I just told myself I am just going to accept this, but I would never want to inflict pain on myself, so I told myself that I am ready to die whenever life wants to throw it at me.

And to me in what is a pinnacle self-realisation moment of my life I thought to myself why am I not afraid to die but my heart feels like its going to shoot out of my chest every time a lecturer says too “discuss with the person next to you”.

To some people this is debatable but none of us know what is going to happen to us when we die, it is just as unknowable as where life is going to take you, but we can at least gain a good idea of how we’ll end up based on others lived experiences. I know that in life we are also aware of all the negative outcomes we may have to live through and how hard it can be to achieve some of the things that others do but if your so afraid of failing in this life, then why aren’t you afraid of what a failure your death might be.

Both life and death are full of uncertainty.

"Content creation can be scary when you have so much competition. I still choose to do it everyday because it makes me embrace who I am and what I want to do. This is my way of sharing my story and helping someone. I always said that if I help at least ten people, I have reached my goal even though I want to provide more for many people. I am myself when I am doing creative, artistic activities like modeling and photography. Pictures are like eyes. When so one looks into your eyes, they can read your story when it comes to pain, happiness, anger and more. When I view images, I ask myself how it makes me feel and what is the information being provided to me. Is it a trauma story? Is it about self-love and confidence? My creations are more than just a pretty face, it is a story."

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TULSI THAKOR an interview with

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Explain your relationship with abuse and how it impacted your view on the brown community?

I view the brown community in a very different way now. I always thought the brown community is so open-minded and close but, it truly is not.

People do not realize that abuse does happen whether it is physically, sexually or mentally. Unfortunately, I had to deal with all three. The brown community would look at me differently and make me feel like it is my fault. They believe that it ruins my reputation but in all reality it doesn’t. The brown community thinks it is my fault that I was raped when I was only 4 years old. I am not afraid to speak about my mental health journey because as a brown, woman leader, I will be your force and I will help break the stigma to make it easier on you. I want to break all these toxic stigmas for all men and women in my community. Women do not need to be a stay at home mom if they do not desire to, men do not need to be afraid to ask for help when it deals with mental health and women too. There are many things that need to change in the grand scheme of things and I am happy to be vulnerable to make that change. pg 41

In October, I hit my one year of being in therapy and going through that was a rough experience. I hit a lot of highs and lows and throughout the process, I saw that I wanted to show others that you can grow and become a whole different person through it. I believe that going through the whole process was my biggest challenge and my biggest obstacle. I had to relive all my trauma and all of the emotions. My journey with therapy is not over. I still go every week and it has helped me grow so much. I was able to finally get everything off my chest where I was not judged and I was told it was not my fault. I am a victim of abuse, rape and mental illness. I have depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. These “things” are not what define who I am but, they are a part of my everyday life. There are days where I am afraid to walk out of my house because I don’t want to be violated again. I was raped and sexually abused for 14 years of my life and this is the crazy part, I am only 20. Most of my life consisted of a man taking away something that wasn’t his to take. I was raped multiple times and it was not my fault. I constantly cried over and over again begging the pain to stop. But, it got worse. I went into relationships wanting to be loved and protected. I wanted to feel like someone would take a bullet for me and like someone would stand up for me while I am drowning. I needed someone to help me breathe again because I was so weak on my own at the time.

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I ended up in relationships where I was abused physically and emotionally. I was constantly told that I was not good enough. I had many men put their hands on me and degraded me like a doormat. I was beat even when I said no to sex so they proceeded to do it anyway. I got cheated on even though I gave them the world when all they gave me was pain. The scary part is, I believed it was my fault.

There are days where I am just laying in bed thinking that all the wrong in every intimate relationship and every friendship was caused by me. My friends consisted of people that used me to gain success in their own career. I am a giver but I was constantly manipulated. I always say people always leave. I felt like I was drowning so much and I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to give up and just end it all. I felt alone and afraid. I had no one. Even when I needed the closest family members in my life, they were absent doing their own thing. I felt betrayed. I looked in the mirror and I hated myself. I wanted to end it and I tried. Something told me not to say goodbye. I don’t have constant people in my life anymore because I started standing up for myself. I started therapy and from then I saw the toxic people in my life. I started cutting ties with most of my friends and I closed off to the world. I am not afraid to be vulnerable and share what happened to me. I just don’t trust people as much as I used to because of all this trauma. The trauma and the pain could have taken me but, I believe that I am made to break the stigmas and share my story to help whoever I can. My trauma, my pain and all the tears may have been one of my biggest battles but, it is my greatest treasure.

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In what ways have you changed over the years and what motivates you to continue on your path?

When I look back on my life, I see a different person in the mirror today. I used to be manipulated because of my caring heart. I was never able to say no to people. I used to be super sensitive.

Today, I am sensitive when it comes to things and people I care about or watching a movie that I empathize well with. I say no to things that I believe are wrong. I started standing up for myself and I cut ties from the people that really put me down. I see my progress and I see the impact that I have on others to better themselves which motivates me to continue what I am doing. I am happy to share my story and express the trauma, the tears so I have the ability to empower men, women and children. I want to make the change for the world and I will die trying to do that.

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How did you embrace your culture being born in America?

Growing up, I always had an identity issue. Being born in American and having a completely different look and culture from your peers is scary. I got bullied a lot for being Indian. I was always the odd one out. Society really made me feel like that being different was a problem. At first, people always said that I was mixed, hispanic, Lebanese, etc. I just wanted to be me. I love the Indian culture and I do love the American culture. I embraced both. I value family a lot, the rituals, and the spirituality of the Indian culture. To modernize that, I started dating openly, started speaking about my mental health and trauma journey, and choosing a career that is fit for me and not others. I decided to take my life and embrace my culture which is a combination of both.

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How have you navigated your way through the brown community on social media and how do you deal with the hate?

pg 46

I believe that it is a day to day journey when you navigate through the brown community on social media. There are many talented influencers and there is so much competition. It is definitely hard when other influencers bring you down, deteriorate your mental health and have their followers send you hate as well. It is hard and it is not easy. There are days where I am like I can get through this but, there are days where I just truly can not take it. I started my journey to influence others to embrace their culture, themselves and be confident in who you are. I believe that social media competition needs to be a healthier lifestyle. I am tired of girls damaging other girls. I am tired of influencers talking down on others rather than empowering and uplifting one another. We are influencers and we need to make it as positive as we can. As a woman influencer myself, I understand the struggle of being a woman. Being cat called, saying I am not pretty, I am fat, I am not talented and so much more. The scary thing is some of these comments come from other female influencers. As a woman, we deal with our own tragedies so we should be uplifting and supporting one another. I deal with the hate by ignoring it and not showing that it bothers me. There are times where I do feel like I have to defend myself so I do. I try my best to move on and smile. There is nothing better than killing them with kindness.

an interview with Kiran Rajan

I am a 23 year old hip hop artist from New Jersey, I was born in India and moved to the US when I was two years old. Growing up, my family didn’t have much. For a good part of my childhood we lived in a small one bedroom apartment. Through a lot of hard work and sacrifice my parents were able to get us out of there and into a better living situation. I’m very thankful for the people and blessings that got me to where I am today and I want to be able to succeed in my lane to give back to my family and community.

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How did you get into music?

When I was younger I didn’t listen to much rap music, I learned how to play the guitar from a young age and was exposed to more classic rock and alternative music. My friends introduced me to rap music through artists like Rick Ross, Two Chains, and Lil Wayne. Over time I started expanding what I listened to, I fell in love with Travis Scott and A$AP Rocky and would listen to them non stop. From there I would sing along or make up my own lyrics, I learned how to freestyle and would spit bars with friends after school too. The natural progression from there was songwriting and learning how to produce. I still have a lot to learn but because of the support I got from the people around me I built the confidence to drop my music on Spotify and other streaming services.

What does music mean to you?

Music is the language of both the darkness and light inside of you. Words are powerful, but when you throw some 808s and some hats on your words, you access a punchiness that normal speaking simply can’t offer. Music allows me to talk about my goals uninhibited, I can talk about the fame and riches I want as well as the legacy I’m trying to leave behind. I’m able to express my burdens and blessings without holding back because music gives you that power. It's also my way to connect with others. I lost a friend in high school when he took his own life and being able to make music allows me to still feel close to him. He was one of the people that would freestyle with me after school and introduced me to some of the rap that I still listen to today. Making music allows me to pay homage to him because I try to make songs that he would vibe to. Beyond anything else, music has been a constant in my life, lifting me out of bad moments and helping me celebrate the amazing ones. pg 50

Talk about your mental health journey For most of my life I’ve suffered from anxiety, time and time again I’ve found myself in panic attacks and moments where it felt like I was having a heart attack. I kept it from my family and friends as much as I could because I perceived it as a weakness to be ashamed of. To this day, I still struggle with it but being able to talk about it openly instead of concealing it has allowed me to actively work on healing it. I was really nervous about my music and struggled for a while because I wasn’t confident in my abilities. It took the support of my girlfriend (who is also the author of this esteemed magazine) and my friends to really push me over the edge and publicize my music. The day I first released “The Orange Tapes”, I conquered a major battle with my own insecurities. I’ve been adamant on making my music heard and I haven’t had many reservations about being a public rapper since that time. By biting that bullet and taking a risk against my own anxiety, I was able to get valuable feedback and take a major step towards pursuing my dreams. No matter what you feel about yourself, you need to actively push yourself out of your comfort zone and be open to the idea of failing. Failure is something to learn from, not something to fear. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I was able to move on with my passions despite my anxiety by listening to those who supported me and taking leaps knowing I could fail. pg 51

Tell us your opinions on the brown community and how it affects social media and music.

As much as it has its fair share of issues, the brown community has always been my home. I grew up in Edison, NJ, for those who don’t know, it has an insane amount of Indian people living there. I try my hardest to remain in touch with my South Indian heritage and balance my American upbringing. As for how that affects social media and music, we live in an age where it's easy for the average person to spread whatever message they want through Instagram, Tiktok etc. More and more brown people are showcasing their talents, ideas, and personalities in the public forum which leads to us carving out our own place in Western Society. It's amazing to see brown people getting more recognition but there’s still a long way to go. In music, the only big Indian artist is NAV. Brown people have mixed opinions about him but I personally enjoy his music. It’s cool to see a big South Asian artist that is living the dream I see for myself. I’m not satisfied with NAV being the only one though, which fuels my desire to be a big name rapper in the game. We need more brown people in mainstream media because we have talent and cool ideas that deserve to be heard.

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What is it like being a brown man in rap?

It's definitely a really weird spot to be in. On social media platforms like Tiktok you do see your fair share of ignorant comments. People like to make jokes about being like NAV or saying some joke about being Indian when you put yourself out there. At the same time people give you more hype because it's almost like they don’t expect a brown person to be able to rap. Now this can work in your favor because you can get exposure, but at the same time it's like, “Just because I’m Indian doesn’t mean I’m not gonna drop some heat right now”. I’m not big enough to be able to comment on what it's like on a larger scale but from where I’m standing you can tell that people put that chip on your shoulder. It's like they’re trying to say that “yes you might be talented but you're still just a brown person”. Although ironically that makes me happy. I enjoy breaking down the expectations of society and showing others that brown people make these kinds of waves too. If me putting my talent out there can break those preconceptions down then I’m paving the way for other brown artists down the line, which is my whole mission.

What was your biggest inspiration for Under the Influence?

Under the Influence is named that way because I drew inspiration from a different artist for every song in one way or another. Ten Toes was made to reflect the similar musical patterns in the song Babushka Boy by A$AP Rocky, the flute lines on Classic were inspired by a specific Joyner Lucas track, and Money Talk to me was inspired by the fast clever flow of Meek Mill. The album has countless subtleties that are inspired by artists in my life that I looked up to. It was a way for me to show that I’m learning and growing from what I’ve listened to; I’m evolving as an artist in the same way that all of the aforementioned ones did at some point in their careers.

What are you working on now?

At the moment I haven’t been as active.

I’m in the lab experimenting with some beats and also working on promo for Under the Influence. I’m also trying to learn more about production and songwriting. At the same time I sent in an application for Season 2 of “Rhythm and Flow” on Netflix. We have some interesting things in the work but I’ll update my social media when I drop something new.

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i am brown culture. religion. spirit. we can stand together in this world and bring about change and understanding. we as brown people can bring education and compassion to a world where the color of your skin, still defines your character. we can make change and bring mental health understanding, to a world where "what will people think?" is the first question, not "are you okay?"

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Power of a Woman’s Wyll

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Power of a Woman’s Wyll Belief systems and core psychological concepts have helped researchers for many years in understanding the human race and how history tends to repeat itself. Making decisions and guiding a successful life in whichever capacity helps contribute to society and human behavior throughout time has remained consistent, even though each society in every country and time period is different.

Happiness is, similar to every other emotion, temporary and it is important to understand how humans find their own happiness, individually. Isabella Whitney, born around 1546 is the first English woman to publish large amounts of work and is quite possibly the first professional writer and female poet. Whitney is only recently discovered; however, one small aspect of her life is understood - she was of a lower class. Whitney speaks candidly, solemnly and puts herself in a vulnerable position by discussing practical matters such as the positions she has had, money and greed in London, particularly. Society puts expectations on what happiness means for everyone and if a woman chooses to not get married, she becomes questioned on what is lacking in her. Whitney utilizes her personal experiences in regard to money, status and survival to comment on how London’s socioeconomic framework allowed for both social integration and complete isolation, leaving her to carry an external locus of control mindset and deep internal unhappiness which ultimately empowered her to use her female will and commit social suicide, thereby staying in control of her fate. pg 56

Power of a Woman’s Wyll When analyzing her life, it is imperative to see the contradiction and how her internal gratification standard was based purely on societal principles, and not the ideals she set for society. Her hatred for London must stem from how apparently different she is from the 16th Century London society, though she resented that about herself. Not only was she without a masculine figure, she was forced to work unlike any other woman of that society. Being surrounded by the riches she desired created a sense of jealousy and deep animosity for anyone who embodied the traditional housewife archetype. In an article written by Patricia Phillippy, The Maid 's Lawful Liberty: Service, the Household, and "Mother B" in Isabella Whitney's "A Sweet Nosegay", it is confirmed that “Whitney undermines the stability of the household even as she appears to define and construct it” and has this level of admiration for Whitney being that she gave a voice to the underprivileged women of society (Phillippy 442). Though it is clear that she challenged the perspectives of early modern London, it must be noted that her intention was to have a normal home and family.

She was both alone and lonely, and that pain exceeded any success she could have.

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SPECIAL

THANKS

thank you. thank you for allowing me to share my stories with you and helping me raise awareness in mental health in the South Asian Community. as I close out this first volume, I feel nothing but gratitude and determination that we can battle mental health in our homes. we can bring about change in a way that we haven't seen - our inner demons telling us that "we will never be okay", will subside. thank you.

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credits

DEC 2020

Cover MIND Deepak Seshadri An Interview with Thanuska Subramaniam Men, Money and Marriage BODY Steven Injety An Interview with Sravya Kalyanapu SOUL Anonymous An Interview with Tulsi Thakor An Interview with Kiran Rajan Power of a Woman’s Wyll Back Cover

VOL 1 ISSUE 5

@by.janani - shot by: @tejxpatel @by.janani - shot by: @tejxpatel @d_seshadri @thanuska.s @by.janani - shot by @thekiranrajan @by.janani - shot by: @tejxpatel @thecurrymuncher @sravyakalyanapu // @mangopeoplecosmetics @by.janani - shot by: @tejxpatel @tulsiithakor @thekiranrajan @by.janani - shot by: @tejxpatel @by.janani - shot by: @tejxpatel

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