The Indian Standard | FEB 2021

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BY JANANI

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D FEB 2021

FEATURING

ASHNA GRAY

ON HER MENTAL HEALTH JOURNEY, CONFIDENCE AND HER LIFE AS A MODEL

HARSH SRINIVASAN

ON MUSIC, MENTAL HEALTH AND TERM "FOB" AND THE CONNOTATIONS

DR. SRIMIX

ON MENTAL HEALTH, HOME PRESSURES AND HOW HE ENVISIONS MUSIC FOR THE FUTURE

TABLE OF CONTENTS 03 Theme Explanation

19 An Interview with Srihari Sritharan

33 I by Deepak Seshadri

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13

An Interview with Harsh Srinivasan

Anonymous

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28

An Interview with Ashna Gray

The Coercive Cycle

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46

Arpit Jain & H20 Happiness to Others

Special Thanks

THEME

EXPLANATION

BROKEN

we stumble and fall. we have moments where we all make mistakes and feel there is no way we can come back from it. broken there are moments in time where we feel like nothing is going right and that we are flawed. broken. unappreciated. this is a reminder that you are anything but. you are resilient and motivated and you have the capability to be better if you so choose.

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pg 3

TRIGGER

WARNING

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DISCLAIMER

This magazine may contain detailed information regarding anxiety, depression and suicide. Please read with caution.

The interviews, stories and entries in this magazine are included with the approval of the respective creators. All correspondence and interaction occurred prior to the publication of this issue.

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M duplicitous IND

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THEME

EXPLANATION

BROKEN

duplicitous

dual natures. we portray what we want people to digest on the outside and keep certain feelings and emotions on the inside. i really want to encourage you to break our of that cycle and embrace your multiple perspectives. it's one thing to show a different side of you to others but a whole other concept to hide aspects of yourself in order to preserve your pride. allow yourself to be yourself.

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an interview with Harsh Srinivasan

My name is Harsh Srinivasan. I am an 18 year old college freshman majoring in aerospace engineering. I love cars, technology, and most of all, music. I sing Carnatic music and I have been learning for the past 12 years, and listening to Carnatic music and singing it is one of my biggest hobbies.

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Tell me about your mental health journey.

The biggest mental problem that I have had to face so far is self worth. Like many other problems in my life, this too stems from my move to the US. The feeling of not being enough, and of feeling worthless. As I said before, this led me to close myself off to other people and just pile on misery onto myself. I am also the type of person who doesn’t like to burden others with my problems because everyone has problems that they themselves are dealing with. However, I made the mistake of completely closing myself off, even to my parents who I am super close with. I slowly began losing my self confidence and my self worth. I started degrading myself and kept digging myself a deeper and deeper hole. It took me a few years to realize what I was realizing. There was obviously no “aha!” moment after which I started feeling better, but it was a process. I got tired of how I was feeling, and I wanted to do something about myself. I turned to music. I posted a few covers on my Instagram account and the positive feedback made me feel better. People were seeing glimpses of the real me. I started breaking out of my shell more and I was able to make some friends and establish a somewhat minor, but functional social life. I would still say that I struggle with self worth, but what is different now is that I know that I have people to turn to who will support me when I feel down, and that knowledge is gold. I know that I have people around whom I can unapologetically be myself.

What's next for you?

The next big step in my life is my college education. I aspire to become an aerospace engineer. I’ve been interested in engineering all my life, and becoming an aerospace engineer is my dream. I go to one of the top fifty colleges in the country for aerospace, so my first priority is to make sure that I make the best of the education that is being offered to me. Music-wise, my only plan is to continue learning and practicing Carnatic music, and get to a level where I am able to give concert-like performances. I’ve never really planned on becoming a professional musician, my first interest is and has always been becoming an engineer. So as for that, we just have to see how it goes! pg 8

Talk about cultural appropriation and how it’s seen in social media?

A few months ago, I came across a website/online store called Atheist Republic.

They were selling T-shirts with designs that showed Hindu goddesses in a very inappropriate and vulgar manner. I was taken aback disgusted. That is when I really began to realize how my culture and my religion was being appropriated all around me. Especially in social media apps such as Instagram and TikTok, I’ve started seeing an increasing number of people who wear clothes with Om symbols or colorful depictions of Hindu gods. While there is nothing wrong in wearing such items of clothing, it is wrong when the person who does so does it without understanding the religious importance of what they are wearing. Using another religion solely as a piece of clothing is immoral because it takes away from the significance behind what is on clothing. Cultural and religious appropriation works both ways as well. I have seen numerous Hindu people wear pieces of clothing or accessories that have a Christian cross on them. While I do not know much about Christianity, I do know that the cross bears huge significance. I think that it is always best to educate ourselves on such matters and to not offend others for the silly reason of a trend or fashion. It is always important to respect all cultures and religions and to make sure that nobody’s sentiments are hurt.

What is your opinion on the brown community?

My first exposure to a brown community per se was when I joined TikTok. Where I am from, the number of brown people my age is fairly low compared to places like California, New Jersey, or even Georgia. Seeing the number of brown people that I did in TikTok was a breath of fresh air. I felt like there were more people like me than I had even known about. I felt like my culture, my religion, my music, or just my language was being represented in a positive light. It pushed me to create more content for the brown community because I knew that I would get some support and recognition.

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How did you get into music?

First and foremost I have to thank my parents for recognizing the talent that I had for music. If I am able to sing to a decent extent today, it is because of all the effort, time, and money that they have spent for me. My mom first enrolled me in a group Carnatic vocal music class when I was four years old. We were living in Chennai, India at the time. After seeing that I was able to learn at a fast pace, she switched me over to an individual class where I was able to further my knowledge and my skills. I still continue to learn and get better in Carnatic vocal music. Carnatic music is something that gives my extreme happiness, whether I am singing or listening to it.

What is the value of music and education to you?

Music is my main source of happiness. No matter what emotion I am feeling, it is always something I can turn to. I feel privileged to have been blessed with the gift of music. To be able to understand the music that I listen to only adds to the enjoyment that I derive from it.

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I also feel extremely happy when I see brown people my age learn or even show interest in some form of carnatic music. However, I feel that there are many people who are being forced to learn art forms that they have no interest in. What is the point in performing an “arangetram” if there is no interest and emotion towards bharatnatyam? The problem of parents forcing their children into pursuing certain things without their interest is very prevalent in the brown community, whether it be music, dance, or even academics. The pressure built from such parenting only results in frustration from both parties which results in unneeded conflict and improper learning.

What brought you to Tik Tok? Honestly speaking, I was just bored. I was scrolling through the app one day and saw a couple Indian singing videos, and I thought to myself, “Hey! You could do this!” That is how it started. I just wanted to showcase my ability to sing and have fun while doing so.

I also saw it as a way to meet new people and make new friends. Being from Alabama, I had never been exposed to a large brown community, so seeing it in TikTok was very refreshing and it drew me more to the app. I wanted to be a part of the community. pg 11

One of the toughest things that I have had to go through in my life so far has been moving to the US. As someone who had spent all his life in an Indian environment, be it in India or in a place like Dubai with a massive Indian population, the culture shock was massive. The way I spoke and my Indian “accent” became my biggest insecurity. I shut myself off from talking to new people and trying to make friends because I was embarrassed and scared. Because of the pressure that I put on myself to try and assimilate more into my surroundings, I started putting a conscious effort into changing the way I spoke. I wanted to be, or at least seem, more acceptable to others.

Thinking back, I don’t think I could have been any more immature in my behaviour. I can now speak how people around me speak and I can sound “American” when I want, or so I think, but at what cost? I spent three years belittling myself and forcing myself to be someone I wasn’t. I missed out on talking to new people, making new friends, and having new experiences. Being the quiet kid seemed like the only option back then, but being that kid made me lose a bit of myself every step of the way. If there was one thing I would tell the 14 year-old Harsh right now, it would be to not care about anybody else and to continue being myself.

When I look around me today, I see the word “FOB” being used to describe people, specifically from South Asia, who are new to the United States or any other western country. FOB, which is an abbreviation of the term “fresh off the boat”, seems pretty innocent at face value, but has a negative and mocking undertone in today’s society. FOB’s are made fun of because of their accents, because of their lack of knowledge of western culture in a very rude way, and this can be seen all over social media. I will admit that I myself have used this word in a negative connotation, and I deeply regret it. Why must a person be mocked simply because they are new to a country? Why should that even be a way that we judge people? Having been a “FOB” myself, hearing this word being used to describe other people is something that affects me deeply and is a practice that should be discontinued right now.

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Anonymous FROM THE DIARY OF

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My head is constantly overflowing with thoughts, this is just how I am but became an obsession when I was 18 years old after experiencing a string of difficult events which made me feel like my life had fallen apart, and feeling like it was because there was something wrong with me. I feel like although I need to accept this aspect of myself, I need a way to conclude these thoughts and summarise each of the solutions I feel I need to carry with me going forward, for each of the problems I think I might come across, or in fewer words, I need closure. It would be hard to go from barely talking about myself to suddenly just dropping all this on one of my friends or family, actually, I do have my mentor who I’ve opened up to about a lot of these thoughts but it just feels better to write it out, conversations are hard for me (when there about me). I think that brings me on to where my problems started nicely, from a very young age I felt like there was something wrong with me for the way I thought, which made me afraid of letting anyone know the real me and present a façade to everyone, even my family, especially my family. Out of everyone whose good opinion I’ve felt I needed, my family are definitely at the top of that list, not because they're judgemental, but purely just because in this life there’s no realer connection than family. And from that I am able to lead on well to the problem this problem causes of not being able to have the feeling of a real connection with anyone.

Funnily enough the one time I did feel a connection and this exciting comfort with someone, my struggles from not being able to connect with anyone had driven me into such a deep depression that I was pretty much lost in terms of life, so I wrecked my chances with her. But the pain of finally finding someone who could actually make me feel comfortable just being myself, and then losing that feeling with them was what drove me to seeking therapy for my issues, so that never happens again. It ended up being the best thing I’ve ever done for myself I would say, so all’s well that ends well I suppose. Even ended up building enough confidence to tell her how I felt, via email, which I know isn’t ideal but it was during Covid times so I couldn’t see her and couldn’t find any of her social media so it was my only option. But to be honest I don’t know if I would have been able to do it in person, certainly would have tried though. Also, forgot to mention she didn’t feel the same way, which didn’t make me feel stupid at all (*laughs sarcastically*).

Getting back to the sad story that is my life, the aspect of myself that I feel I need to hide is that to

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me what seems like from birth, I have had social anxiety with every person I spoke too, speaking to people just never felt like a normal thing to me, but something I wanted to be good at, or just something I didn’t have to think about. This always made me feel so strange, because it is kind of strange, why does the everyday, casual, unavoidable act of conversation feel so foreign and pressurising to me. But at the same time, I understand how to socialise so I’ve been able to live with it, but going through life while feeling terrified of letting anyone know the real me always made the connections I managed to make feel incomplete. I feel a lot of frustration with my family because I know they noticed it, but they did nothing, they barely spoke to me and if they did they were probably making fun of me, I was pretty much alone all the time. But at the same time it’s hard to judge them for it because dealing with someone who struggles to communicate properly is difficult, and I’m the youngest of six so I know my mum just expected my brothers and sisters to be there for me to talk to, as she was raised, but for children with disabilities I think this is a huge responsibility to ask of siblings.

Also I’m sure the harmful misogynistic mindsets of Asian culture placed a communicational crutch on my mother, a woman who, was raised in 1970’s Sri Lanka, lost her first son when he was just an infant, and had to leave her whole life behind and move across the world, to a place nothing like home, just for her children, making her silently bear a deep depression, certainly adding to the difficulties. And although I love my mother and think she’s very kind and loving, I think she was also a victim of sharing these harmful mindsets in caring what others will think above anything else. I could see the shame in her face when having to introduce me to people and seeing how strange I was (pretty much the only time she would hear me speak), and as if that wasn’t hurtful enough she would often tell me how embarrassed she felt of me in those moments. But she too has been changing for the better with time and our relationship has really improved, I can’t imagine life with-ought her. But coming back to the sad reality that is my life, the damage that all these years of loneliness have had on me runs deep and is something I don’t think I’ll stop struggling with for a while. Even in this long monologue which I’m specifically writing so I can talk about this, I’m delaying mentioning it because I’m so embarrassed, but the way I have coped with this loneliness is through daydreaming, imaginary friends and imaginary worlds.

Any time I wasn’t watching tv, this is what I was doing, this was my only hobby. Most of the time my imaginary friends were real people in my life which made me feel less weird because it was less like imaginary friends and more like imaginary conversations, but still weird enough that I would have to tell myself “I’m just practicing for when I meet those people” as my excuse to allow myself to do it. But I always knew it was more than “practice”, it was the only way I could enjoy a conversation with someone else, the only way I could converse with no pressure, and be whoever I want. If the last five years hadn’t of been the way they have, I could probably look back at my childhood with a lot less regret, but the way my traumatic experiences trapped these issues from childhood in the forefront of my mind so that I couldn’t just keep hiding myself from people, made me wish I had dealt with these issues far sooner.

This began with my dad’s return home after fainting at work and finding out he required surgery for a blocked artery. It was actually a very joyous time because we thought it was the end of the scare, and my dad was on the way to recovery. But then one day I was sitting in my room and I suddenly hear my mum exclaim a heart wrenching scream, I ran downstairs to see my dad bent over the toilet, coughing up enough blood to paint the entire basin red. One of my brothers is trying to tend to my dad and the other is on the phone to an ambulance, my mums in the corner panic crying, and I’m just standing there not knowing how to react. After the ambulance came and took my dad away the whole thing felt so unreal, that scream my mother let out honestly made me feel so much anguish over how much she was suffering, I just sat in my bed rewinding it in my head and each time I did I would get this feeling in my stomach that I had never felt before, literally completely new. Its novelty was so intriguing to me that I continued to replay the events in my head just to explore the feeling. Not to be gross but it was kind of like when you first discover masturbation and your just like “what’s happening!?”. I think that feeling was shock. My dad had a second surgery, but the doctors told us that his body had gone through a lot and because of his age they don’t think he will survive. One day I walked into the hospital waiting room which was overfilled with my cousins, aunties and uncles, my dad was in a coma and my mum was telling me to go talk to him because that’ll help him pull through. I walk into his room filled with like 15 other beds and see him lying on his hospital bed hooked up to a dialysis machine, quite a worrying state to see anyone in.

There’s a stool next to the bed which I sit in, I look at him and think about what I should say. I look around the room and it seems so full of people, I catch the gaze of a nurse who smiles at me which, although I’m sure was meant with good intentions, only added to the discomfort I was feeling from the lack of privacy. My relationship with my dad was difficult although he made the most effort with me out of everyone in my family as a child, it was only according to his terms, when he felt in the mood to talk to me, and when he had something he wanted to speak with me about. It had been quite a while of me sitting there and I had said nothing, I thought everyone around must have noticed so I started to feel desperate to say something, but it was so difficult to open up. I sort of just gave up, whispered I hope you get better soon and walked out. I left the hospital that day feeling like I had just made the biggest mistake of my life, but I never tried again, I think I was just running from the problem. Then I made a whole series of biggest mistakes of my life following on, to save my thumbs energy I’ll summarise, got obsessed with money ( distracting myself (running from my problems)), tried to do fraud and got scammed even though I knew it was going to happen because I chose to listen to my friends over myself ( was scared to have to fight them(didn’t trust my own judgment)), did even more risky fraud and got caught (got pressured into it because I didn’t want to fall out with anyone, I was in £2500 debt because of the scam so I needed help). So, at this time, I didn’t know if my dad was going to live, I was in £2.5k debt, and police were going to be knocking at my door to arrest me, but I had no idea when. I was falling apart, I was so afraid, and I had no idea what to do, so I just did nothing, I just stayed in my room and panicked, I’m pretty sure I had a mental breakdown. In the end everything actually worked out, my dad made a miraculous recovery, and my parents helped me find a job to pay my debt, but I did end up with a caution for fraud. Even still I didn’t really feel any different, it’s as if I was stuck in that state of fear, as if all my problems were still happening. This fear that had always been inside of me went from only being present when I’m around people, to occupying my thoughts all the time because I had lost the excitement for socialising and all that was left was fear. This began a spiral of negative thoughts occupying my mind imagining what I wished I had done because I was so disappointed in myself for how I handled the situation. I felt like a coward and that I wasn’t a man.

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Therefore, I felt I needed to prove to myself I was a man, and although prior to these experiences I had chipped away at my anxiety and began to let go of my façade personality, I began relying on it again heavily. I knew that I wasn’t going to feel okay until I conquered this feeling of self-doubt, so I went to university straight after this. However, attempting to push forward in life ignoring the inner turmoil inside of myself, prevented me from really learning from those traumatic experiences and letting them scar me instead. My mentality crumbled after losing the support network I had at home, inside I was so disappointed in myself for going back to my old ways of pretending to be someone I wasn’t, but at the same time I didn’t know how to stop. This problem grew out of control when I started smoking weed more regularly, I became trapped in my thoughts/daydreams and distanced myself from reality. At the time this was terrible, but looking back I see it was necessary, weed brings out my real self but I had been developing my façade personality for quite a few years, so it needed time to be broken down. During this time my sense of reality had worsened, I had become irrationally paranoid and so trapped in my mind that concentrating on the present required a seemingly unreasonable level of effort. After speaking to my mentor about this I learned I was describing symptoms of psychosis. Reality seemed so unreal to me, I felt like a floating pair of eyes and ears, so I could see and hear everything that was going on around me but I felt like I wasn’t actually in this world, and when I would get high I would begin to hear voices outside my window. Hearing the voices was so strange because although they were yelling out horrible things about me, the things they were yelling were my exact fears of what people must think of me. Because of this I realised that the voices weren’t real as they were describing in detail all of the negative thoughts I have about myself, and I realised there was no one who could examine me to such depth other than myself. Although it was kind of cool to realise this because it was like my subconscious was communicating to me,

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letting me know how all these feelings of self-loathing I had were manifesting in my perception of myself, I became very scared for the state of my sanity and how this will develop as I age. The development of a self-care routine, therapy, and pushing myself to tackle my fears have re-established my excitement for talking to people, and so my social ability has improved, or at least I think it has, for all I know I might be the same person but I just smile a lot more now. I realise now that I have just been trapped in the trauma of what happened when my dad got ill, because I was facing problems which could have had serious effects on my life so I needed to do something, but I didn’t know who I was so I couldn’t decide how I wanted to act.

Looking back at that time I usually concentrate more on letting myself get scammed and pushed around by my friends, but I realise now that I neglected how much that moment beside my dad’s hospital bed must have affected me. It’s actually a perfect summary of what I have been struggling with since that happened, I’m overwhelmed with emotion, but I have no idea how to express it, so I say nothing. That is what I’ve been doing for the last 5-6 years of my life. In my attempt to come to terms with my loneliness I began to practice self-love, and through that I realised that in order to be myself I need to accept my emotions and choose to love myself for them instead of being embarrassed of them. I used to think my issue was being overly negative and the solution was to make a habit of being positive, but then I realised that I can't ignore my negative thoughts, so I’ve been trying to figure out what is the mentality I need to carry with me to maintain a calm mind. And now I’ve found it, I just need to love myself. This mentality allows me to not judge myself so harshly for my daydreaming habit, I’ve realised that when I need to think something through it's just easier to imagine a person I could explain the idea to. I’ve been told I’m unlikely to have ADHD but that I should get checked for autism, and that I may even have a mixture of the two. At the end of the day I don’t think it really matters, I am who I am.

And with that I do away with these thoughts. Let me sleep.

BO D Y vulnerability

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THEME

EXPLANATION

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vulnerability

we all experience a wide range of emotions, and while it is important to maintain a positive mindset, it is equally important to make sure you know that all feelings are normal and justified. the worst thing we can do is gaslight ourselves. accept that your reality is as such. no matter the circumstance, at least understand that your life is going to be tough at times. the part of growth that is completely unadvertised is how we get over our issues. confront them, accept them and allow yourself to understand that you can get through it. you have gone through a lot, therefore, history is on your side.

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an interview with Srihari Sritharan

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I loved building things. When I went to grad school I built medical devices for paralysis patients and got my PhD then. This knowledge and passion also helped me a lot with the arts. In the dance community I feel like everyone knows me as the guy who puts lights on everything and a couple of years ago there was a Bhangra segment where we had all the bamboo sticks and we used wifi to control the color of the sticks and it changed with the beat of the music. I just loved to connect all my passions together.

What drove you to Tik Tok? I wanted to bring attention to the music that we have all created for over 15 years. A lot of people were like “oh I didn’t know you could just listen to mashups” and I think there was this disconnect between how people viewed the dance scene. Tik Tok came because of necessity and it was a way to get everyone to listen to things that we have been working on for years. I felt it was my responsibility to bring people together in this way since it is such a big part of my life. The problem is that all social media works in waves.

Snapchat and Facebook went away and Tik Tok probably will too, so it’s important to adapt with whatever is going on and making sure that your content stays relevant regardless of the platform.

You have to have art that transcends.

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How did you navigate your relationship with your parents with your passion for the arts?

My parents were pretty negative throughout the way. We are from Sri Lanka and the rules to immigrate were very contingent on education so my parents always had the stance of ‘be educated or you will perish.’ So I get it. My mom was fine with it but my dad is pretty strict. It’s pretty frustrating because as time has gone on, it just reduces the amount of topics you can talk about with your parents.

I try and engage but when they don’t really take the time to understand what you’re up to, it’s really frustrating to force that conversation. We always hear the stereotype of Indian parents being disapproving of non-science careers and life is pretty much just that. There are a lot of obstacles that both me and my sibling have to grow through because we are just so passionate about music.

It is interesting that both my sister and I have such a passion for the arts. We were heavily discouraged to go down this path and our extended family definitely were all inclined and interested in music.

However, when there are issues like the Sri Lankan war, all that goes to the side because you are just trying to survive. My parents are still in that mentality and it’s hard to navigate that especially when we are in a different country.

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The worst of my mental health was around 2017-2018. It was a combination of a few things.

With the conclusion of getting my PhD I had a lot of money to pay off. It was not easy to find a job either and I could not be supported at the time by my parents financially. That stress just had a huge impact on me because I couldn’t eat or exercise properly and that really affected my overall mental health. I also have a lot of family problems that kind of come to me randomly of course and since I am the oldest, that really piles on to my plate. Of course, I want to be there for them but it can be very hard especially since we all have a lot going on.

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an interview with

Ashna Gray

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My mental health journey has definitely been a long one. I was unhappy with how I looked for as long as I can remember. “You look so thin beta, why don’t you eat more.” “Gain some weight, you’re going to blow away.” “I wish I could just give some of my weight to you.” Growing up constantly hearing comments like these really made me resent myself. I had just moved away from one of my closest friends, I was getting bullied at my new school, and my parents were strict and always busy with work. I felt like I didn’t have any sense of control, so I turned to myself and my appearance. I started to exercise excessively and also restricted my diet, and that quickly got out of hand. Fast forward a couple years to my freshman year of high school and I was really struggling. I hit my lowest that spring and so I checked myself into a behavioral health facility where I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, as well as anxiety and depression. I continued to work with a dietitian and a therapist for a year or two until I was back to a healthy state, physically and mentally. I was in my junior year of high school and I was finally starting to feel more comfortable with myself, but there was definitely a long way to go. I was interested in fashion and modeling my whole life, but I was still so insecure, especially in front of a camera. After I graduated, I met up with a friend of mine pursuing photography and told her that I was hesitant but interested in a photoshoot and she convinced me to give it a shot. So, we went on our first shoot together and I felt so incredibly confident the whole time. I was afraid that I would constantly focus on my appearance but I was entirely in the moment. I got the images back and I instantly broke down because it was the first time I saw a picture of myself and didn’t immediately pick apart every insecurity. I truly felt beautiful and it was so freeing. Since then, I definitely find that I am the most confident during shoots but I’ve been challenging myself to take more pictures of myself day to day as well, since I still struggle with my confidence there.

I am so thankful for everyone around me today because I would not be here, happy and healthy, without them.

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I am a twenty one year old model and I’ve been pursuing that for about three years now. Modeling has been one of the biggest factors that contributed to how I view myself and it has truly changed my life. I have a bachelor's degree in molecular biology and I am currently pursuing medical school. I’m incredibly passionate about mental health because it’s something that has deeply affected me and those around me. My journey inspired me to want to help others and raise awareness so nobody has to suffer alone like I did for so long. It pushed me to be the president of a university chapter of Mannmukti, a nonprofit made to eliminate the stigma around mental health in the South Asian community where we hold monthly events about various mental health topics to help educate and start that conversation.

Personally, I am the most passionate about confidence and body image since that is what I struggled with throughout my journey. People often look to models and use them as their ideal standard and I felt that it was important for me to use my platform to help people find that sense of confidence within themselves instead of trying to change who they are to please societal pressures. Lately, I’ve had the honor of being featured on a handful of podcasts to discuss modeling and mental health and I recently partnered with a mental health app to create a self love topic to inspire discussions about self care and confidence. I hope to continue to show others that at the end of the day, you deserve to unapologetically love who you are. Life is too short to live in insecurity.

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What would you like to say with your social media?

People have this perspective that all models are basically this embodiment of the unattainable ideal- thin, tall, and perfect in every way. I try to use my platform to show that this isn’t necessarily the case. Anyone can go into this industry regardless of their size, color, or ability.

The modeling world has really evolved and we are seeing more inclusivity of all kinds. People really look for that nowadays and so seeing the industry follow that has been amazing. I also try and use my platform to highlight mental health, with my biggest focus being on self love and confidence. I really try to combat the negativity that comes from comparison on social media and remind people to embrace who they are as they are. I also hope to break the glass ceiling and set an example as a South Asian model and show that it’s possible to pursue what you love while balancing your career.

What is your opinion on the brown community on social media and how that relates to real life?

On social media our community was depicted as the token side character with silly accents and we were constantly associated with terrorism due to the color of our skin. Because of this, a lot of us in the brown community felt a sense of resentment towards our culture and almost felt ashamed of who we were since it was constantly made fun of in any public light. This has slowly been shifting, especially over the last year or two and we’ve been seeing a lot more positive representation like Hasan Minhaj, Aziz Ansari, and Mindy Kaling and I think it has helped unify our community. I also think TikTok especially has facilitated this. Seeing people share their unique backgrounds has created this blend of cultures across the platform and it has led to us all to become much more cultured and accepting of others. A lot of us are starting to feel more in touch with their roots and I think that is really beautiful. There is still progress to be made in our community but we have definitely come a long way.

pg 27

The Coercive Cycle

pg 28

The Coercive Cycle A coercive cycle typically begins by a child misbehaving, followed by the parent scolding the child, which results in the child's exacerbation of the misbehavior. If the parent disengages to stop the child's aversive behavior, both participants are shaped by this response. The parent has been shaped to give up when the child's behavior becomes aversive, and the child has been shaped to become aversive again the next time the child's parent disciplined. The negative reinforcement of the child's misbehavior creates a positive feedback cycle whereby parent–child interactions become more difficult to manage, leading to the escalation of aggressive behaviors over time (Patterson, 2002).

The coercive cycle can be understood in various ways. Though the study is used to describe the parent and child relationship, we can see this display in romantic relationships where one party focuses on merely being right. Each scenario leads to one person attacking the other. The party feeling attacked tries to escape the punishment by counter-attacking, which punishes the attacker. This back and forth attack and counter-attack goes on for a while, with each side escalating, until one party reaches a level of punishment severe enough to finally suppress the counter-attack of the other. Once one party finally gives in or backs off, the cycle ends in reinforcing the attacker, who is more likely to engage in the same behavior next time. If the entire sequence ends with both persons making up and apologizing, the entire sequence is more likely to occur again.

- Terrel L. Templeman, Ph.D. pg 29

The Coercive Cycle Direct

Person A

Person B

Refuses

Increases Demand

Person A

Person B

Argues

Person A pg 30

Reinforces Arguing

Person B

SO U L illuminate

pg 31

THEME

EXPLANATION

BROKEN

illuminate

our lives are understood by our own perception. we see and feel what we want and it can be a toxic cycle of negative thoughts if that is how we visualize our lives to be. illuminate your mind and understand that we can change if we so choose. you are destined to make the choice to change the path of your life if you are going through a tough spot. you don't have to suffer and allowing yourself to feel like you can win, can be the most empowering feeling.

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pg 32

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I I Am An inexplicably insidious invention In that I Ceaselessly continue to drown, Deep into the desolate depths Agonizing anxiety, brow furrowed In a frown and yet, I Have found some peace in the pain that persists so powerfully.

So much so that every day without it, is like walking without a shadow.

But no, I Know that my demons, they will return with a vengeance.

Sinister and scorning.

Mercilessly pounding away at the bits of my brain they haven't exhausted already.

I Must trudge through the puddles And experience the seemingly sempiternal darkness that is bound for me.

But most importantly, I Mustn't yield to the storm or its eye For there is always more that is yet to come.

And in times of turbulence do not give in.

Because when all is said, though not always done, I will wait for the day to say that I Survived.

- DS pg 33

photography with Deepak Seshadri pg 34

pg 35

I remember the day it all changed. As an eighteen-year-old going to Rutgers University, I had the whole world in front of me. I should have felt ignorantly invincible. Infallible. Indestructible. Yet, all I could feel was pain. When it first hit me, I knew that I was feeling something more than just normal sadness and anticipation. But what was it? I didn’t know. With my stomach churning, mind racing, and mood swinging, I walked to Hickman Hall. Steps that my feet had taken countless times before, but this walk was different.

My life felt like the Sam Smith album that had just come out: “In The Lonely Hour” ...how appropriate. At the time, I truly didn’t understand what mental health was, what it meant, and how poor mine was. I managed to finish my freshman year and come back home for the summer, but there was a shift that happened within me. Gone was the rambunctious, talkative kid with his head in the clouds, instead replaced with a quiet, brooding soul who found it nearly impossible to get out of bed. My parents were concerned and at times frustrated, which certainly didn’t help things. But more than anything, I think they were scared.

They were watching their son slip away from them, moment by moment. By forces that, at the time, were as foreign to them as who I was becoming. One day, I remember watching a Ted Talk titled “Depression, the Secret We Share”. It was such a cathartic experience; I even sprung out of bed to show my mom. I was so excited to have found something that managed to articulate how I was feeling. Now I want to be clear, I’ve never been diagnosed with a depressive disorder or any kind of mood disorder for that matter. And in no way am I attempting to appropriate the experiences of those who are officially diagnosed. I am just trying to express that in that moment, this Ted Talk was everything I had wanted. It offered a bit of validation, understanding, and most importantly… hope.

Hope is a funny thing; it looks different for everyone. Some might like to use hope as a driving force that propels them forward, a spark abundant with the promise of a changed tomorrow. Others may use it to find peace during moments of constant chaos, rippling echoes of a respite that recognizes the beautifully broken pieces within you. This is not to romanticize pain, but rather to acknowledge it, accept it, and hold it. For too often I have felt like it is not ok to not be ok. The stigma surrounding feeling bad, or feeling in general, must be addressed, especially within South Asian communities. Though I am incredibly proud of many aspects of my background, this façade of mental fortitude is not one of them. In writing this, I want those of you who are out there hurting to feel understood. I want you to feel seen. I see you. Please know that it is ok to feel this way. Life occurs in ebbs and flows, sometimes churning like an ocean during a tempest and other times still and soft. There are times when I still think back to that summer of 2015, and I realize how far I have come. That Deepak would never have had the confidence to speak to all of you like this. I sit here as the man I am today only by the grace, love, and support of my family, closest confidants, and the passions that chose me. Writing, photography, sports, and learning (I’m probably the biggest nerd you’ll ever meet) have all played a significant part in my healing, a process that is by no means linear. To have the opportunity to reach some of you, even one of you, is a blessing I will never take for granted. With this piece, I have borne with you a piece of my soul that has long lurked in the shadows. By bringing it to light, I just hope I can offer space. A space where you know it is ok to feel bad, ok to be broken, ok to come and be as you are. For it is through those very cracks that light, no matter how small, can eventually shine through.

- DS

pg 36

an interview with Arpit Jain I was born and raised in Sacramento, CA but I did spend 6 years of my life in Africa. Growing up there and then moving back here, it made me really appreciate the sacrifices my parents made especially because when we were in Africa, we had a lot of traumatic events that went on - it wasn’t the safest environment. We moved around a lot because my parents worked odd jobs to make ends meet, and most of my life, we were in a two bedroom apartment for five people. I ended up just being extremely grateful for them because I saw all the sacrifices they made in order for me and my siblings to do well in school and be set up for life. I wasn’t always a “school person”, but I picked up from a very young age that my parents did everything for life I have so I did my best not to take it for granted.

After college, I ended up getting a job at Ernest Young but my passion really lied in the nonprofit world - I did not get a lot of fulfillment from that career. I worked 90 hours a week and while it was a tremendous learning experience, I had this yearning to give back since I really did value the sacrifices my parents made and seeing the experiences that other people had. I left Ernest Young so I could start my own nonprofit organization but in order to make ends meet I worked at a start-up that centered around Men’s Health. Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, a lot of us were laid off back in March and it left me thinking that this was the time to really invest in my nonprofit goals. Now, I am a CFO at The Midnight Mission and it has been amazing to see that everything truly does happen for a reason.

pg 37

pg 38

pg 39

H 2 0 H A P P I N E S S

2

O T H E R S

H2O HAPPINESS 2 OTHERS WANTS TO PROVIDE CLEAN AND SAFE DRINKING WATER TO PEOPLE IN NEED.

TODAY, 1 IN 9 PEOPLE LACK ACCESS TO SAFE WATER AND 1 IN 3 PEOPLE LACK ACCESS TO A TOILET. WE GIVE OUR EVERYTHING EVERY DAY TO CHANGE THIS BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF WATER.

In eighth grade, I went to India and it was a culture shock because I grew up in both Africa and America. I saw poverty and one thing that stuck out to me is the kids. I remember feeling so heavy hearted that there was poverty within children and they would come up and ask for money. There was a moment when I was about to go throw away a water bottle and it had barely a sip of water left in the cup. When I went to go throw it away, a kid came up to me and I reached into my pocket because I just assumed he wanted money. He just wanted some of my water. He was just so thankful and drank it so fast and I just thought, “wow I was just going to go throw that away.” It was a moment of realization of how much I took for granted.

Flash forward, I remember I was going downstairs to grab a bottle of water and my mom was just sitting in the kitchen working and she was like “oh are you going to sleep?” And I was like “yeah how did you know?” and she just goes, “You have the same routine every night. You say good night to everyone, grab water and head to bed.” I was like wow yeah, I guess I do this every single day and I didn’t even notice. I am so lucky that I can get water from my refrigerator and just go to bed without thinking about it. I laid awake in the bed for a while and everything just got me thinking about how water is H20 and due to so many mental stresses that we all go through, it is super important for everyone to be happy. Therefore I came up with H20: Happiness 2 Others, a place that promotes aid in water scarcity and a place where we can hopefully live in a happy place and encourage positivity among each other.

pg 40

I am so lucky to have water and when I was in Africa, I saw how some people were walking 10 miles a day for something that we all take for granted. I created this bottle to just help and bring awareness to the overall problem that exists around the world. The problem exists, the technology exists, there just isn't funding. But we can do something about that today. pg 41

pg 42

pg 43

BROKEN

we aren't broken. we aren't damaged goods. we aren't unfixable. i think the part of reality that we always forget is that we can make the change we so wish to see. we can wake up and say "no, I will not regress". we can obtain the mental fortitude to understand ourselves and be cognizant of our lives and how we have an affect on our projection. life can be very tough. and it is important to recognize when your external is extra difficult. accept your reality so you can internally, move forward.

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pg 44

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defining broken I think people often use this word to describe themselves when they’re in a dark place, and it comes with the connotation that there is something wrong with the person or that they can’t be fixed. I’d like to think that isn’t really the case. I think it just means that an individual needs a strong support system to help them get back to a healthy place, just as someone with a broken arm would use a cast to get better.

- Ashna Gray My answer to this might be a little shorter than it should ideally be, but I would describe the word “broken” as when a person lacks direction. I think that it is very important to always have a goal in mind that we want to achieve, something that grounds us and keeps us going. We let ourselves stray and fall apart when we have nothing to work towards, so I think it is very important to always have something to work towards, no matter how minor the goal may be.

- Harsh Srinivasan When you go through a lot and there's a lot of mental stress, we come to the conclusion that things can't get better. That mentality was stuck in my head for some time but I realize that life is so much more than our temporary emotions.

- Srihari Sritharan

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pg 45

SPECIAL

THANKS

life throws a lot at you. most of the time, it's completely unexpected and you feel overwhelmed over how much is happening at once. one thing that has helped me is saying "thank you" thank you life for providing me with obstacles. thank you for allowing me to have this opportunity to grow. thank you for being so understanding and merciful, i am beyond thankful and i have the opportunity to change.

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credits

FEB 2021

Cover MIND An Interview with Harsh Srinivasan BODY An Interview with Srihari Sritharan An Interview with Ashna Gray The Coercive Cycle SOUL Deepak Seshadri An Interview with Arpit Jain Back Cover

VOL 2 ISSUE 2

@ashnagray @by.janani shot by: @editsbynivita @haha.harsh @by.janani shot by: @editsbynivita @sriharipotter @ashnagray Terrel L. Templeman, Ph.D. @by.janani shot by: @editsbynivita @d_seshadri @happiness2others @ashnagray

SOCIAL MEDIA Instagram Personal Instagram Tik Tok YouTube

@theindianstandard @by,janani @by,janani JANANI

www.theindianstandard.co

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