Photo by Lauren Allen
THE NEW HENDRIX REGIME Phillip Powell|Fact Checker
My interview with the newly “elected” Student State started off normally; perhaps too normally given the stakes. We sat six feet apart at Dawkins Welcome Center, cloth fitted to our faces to allegedly prevent uncontrolled viral spread. I nodded away in painful silence as each of them listed off all the biggovernment, activist nonsense they will be spending our hard-earned student activity fund on. I was but one question into the interview, and I knew there was literally no point in listening anymore! The only path forward is resistance against this cultural Marxism! I pictured the faces of Barry Goldwater, Maggie Thatcher, Milton Friedman, and the late, great Ronald Reagan, and drew upon their unwavering strength to finish the damned thing. These lefty, secret lizard-folk won’t know what hit them! What happened to fiscal responsibility? What happened to the individual? Alack, I mourn for the tyranny consuming our beautiful brick campus. Alack! My heart bleeds orange and black for a Hendrix Class of 2025, a class that will never know a Hendrix without the dear leaders. Alack, alack, alack, for Hendrix’s Caesar: Hailey Johnston. Let her name chill your bones, dear reader, and let the names of her accomplices in this tyrannical scheme, Becca Burks, Taylor (Ty) Forrest, Aubrey French, and Phineas Chapman, be seared into your brain. Bourgeois to arms! We must wear our masks under our noses in protest! We must day-party outside the Houses until we are heard! We must loudly and arrogantly fight for our revolution! Or well, our status quo. Hear us, President Hailey Johnston, you may very well get Chi Alpha, a great godly organization, kicked from the bricks on which they have laid claim. Bricks that great Hendrix patriots, like myself, have built with our blood, sweat, and tears. But we won’t like it! No ma’am, we will not! Chi Alpha is an inspiration to all of the great Hendrix patriots who love homophobia! You sit with your gavel and LARP as Aristotle and look down upon this movement of privilege. How dare you, Hailey Johnston! I, for one, am outraged! And how about you, Becca Burks and Ty Forrest! My outrage extends to you! Your cute emails and diligent note taking will not save you from the wrath of our day partying. You are the
fake news that our revolution is determined to defeat. We know what really happens in Senate meetings, and it is not cute note taking. The Senate notes are rank lefty propaganda! What really happens in these meetings is a horrifying betrayal of the great Hendrix taxpayer, as the student activity fund gets washed down the drain to pay for events and services for students! But Chief of Staff Becca Burks and Secretary Ty Forrest do not care because Becca Burks and Ty Forrest are too busy licking their eyelids to prevent dust from blinding them. The movement is onto you, Becca and Ty! Vice President Aubrey French is not getting off scot-free either, not if this Concerned Patriot has something to say about it! What the student body didn’t know before electing Lizard-Comrade VEEP French was that they were handing him the power to fill the Student Senate with all of his LizardComrade friends. VEEP French and the reptilian Committee on Committee’s just opened a gulag in what was previously known as Martin Hall! We will not go quietly, Aubrey! We demand, Mr. French, that you tear down this Martin Hall gulag! I would be remiss if I did not mention the newly “elected” Academic Policy Representative Phineas Chapman. A true Young Democrat if ever I saw one, and one of the most unhinged cultural Marxists to grace our beautiful brick campus. He is not even from this side of the Mississippi! Phineas Chapman is a foreigner from Roanoke, Virginia. How dare this foreigner represent our academic needs and concerns to the administration! This Concerned Patriot has on good authority that Phineas Chapman is, in fact, one of many illegal Virginians to invade our campus. Good sir, you have triggered me. So, I conclude, with a plea! Join this great privileged movement! You, dear reader, have the power to take down these radical reptilian cultural Marxists! Join our movement to take down the deep state that hates you, hates your body, and wants to indoctrinate your children. Only together, can we overthrow this so called “elected” Student Senate. Only together, can we make a Hendrix Regime! Oh…I mean, overthrow this Hendrix Regime!
APRIL 2021
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