FRUITSLICE Issue 4: A Fruitslice Survival Guide: Maps, Manuals & How-To's

A FRUITSLICE

This Book Belongs To:

Fruitslice is a celebration of:

Making our own map

Following our internal compasses

The collective wisdom exchange

The beauty of detours and dead ends

The gayest guides you can think of

Fruitslice is a backlash against:

Prioritizing personal achievement over communal success stories

Hierarchical systems that seek to compress our multiplicity and abundance

A society we cannot orient ourselves within

Disenfranchisement from the necessary tools of survival, including love, thought, creation, and recognition.

This issue is dedicated to the community that has made Fruitslice what it is—a celebration of our first year together as a collective of voices, ideas, and dreams. To everyone who has shared their stories, offered their art, and stood by us through this journey: Thank you. You are the heartbeat of this publication. Together, we have created something bold, something rebellious, and something beautifully Queer. Here’s to the maps we’ve drawn, the boundaries we’ve pushed, and the spaces we’ve carved out for one another.

We also dedicate this issue to the teachers, mentors, and guides who have helped us find our way here—those who challenged us to think bigger, love deeper, and imagine beyond the possible. To those who nurtured our curiosity and gave us permission to speak out, to question, and to create. Without you, there would be no compass, no guideposts to lead us to where we stand today.

To the Fruitslice community and to every mentor who believed in us: This is for you.

And lastly, to us—wherever we are, whoever we are—and the maps that led us here.

Letter from the Editors

Dearest Reader,

A thank-you note usually comes at the end of a letter, or at the definite conclusion of a journey. However, since this is not the end, but merely a celebration of the one year anniversary of Fruitslice, the editors want to give the biggest THANK YOU for reading, sharing, and creating with us through our ups, downs, and everything beyond and in-between. Together, we have carved out something distinctly and beautifully Queer. Whatever space or place you have found us in, we are glad you are here with us. We are now charting our route towards the future and hope you’ll stay on the ride with us. We are beyond happy that you are a part of our journey. We are here to stay.

In this issue, you will find a communal table at which we share everything: guides to places not yet known, and well-worn maps that return to ideas spun over and over. In a world increasingly distorted by empire, forcibly changed by climate catastrophe, and churned by war machines, we need to look to each other for navigation more than ever. With the advent of AI “assistance” plunging us further into an information dark age, we must forge our own paths. We all can be guides to archive and amend our world. We are going to need all of it, and we are going to need to work together to create what we need.

ART BY Daniel Grace

ART BY Carter A

With this in mind, we, too, have asked ourselves: What unconventional manuals have helped individuals navigate a world that doesn’t cater to Queer experiences? In online spaces these guides look and lead to Queer anonymous group chats, pinterest style boards, and inevitable stumblings on gender/sexuality quizzes. Oftentimes, we have written these guides along the way. In the media, imagined intimacies and vicariously living through bodies seen in movies and read in books have guided how we discover ourselves. Our unconventional recipes include looking towards the skyline atop roofs, holding family gatherings, and listening to music that nestles in our ribs. On criss-crossing roads and paths, in aimless travel in search of meaning, and in knowledge passed down generationally, the editors feel guided by sharing space and learning from each other. This holds true for our collective collaboration in the making of Fruitslice.

Our table of contents is oriented to what comes after, and to telling the story of letting go of old things, no matter what they are, to making room for grief, and to embracing Queerness in all of its power. Whether our guides are worlds away lighting up our phone screens, in essays folded into our back pockets, or in art that hangs on our teachers’ classroom walls, they become our best tools for survival. We become the things and people that guide us: what our Queer community loves to read, what we desire to learn, and what we feel must be uncovered.

In the dark with tactile exploration, by the way of old maps that must be rewritten, by what is etched into the cosmos. By what a homing beacon means. You guide us, and we guide each other into prismatic, glorious Queer worlds.

CONTENT WARNING: While this issue is a testament to the joy we find along the journey to ourselves, it also acknowledges the hurdles and hurt we often encounter on the way. This issue tackles and approaches difficult subject matter including the HIV/AIDS epidemic, homophobia and transphobia, slurs (weaponized by those who aren’t intending to reclaim them), sex and sexuality, addiction, religious trauma, grief and bereavement, gun violence, police violence, death, and genocide. These themes are all critically important to our history and community, and we hope you manage your discomfort as it arises.

Every effort was made to contact and properly credit copyright holders. Please get in touch with us regarding corrections or omissions. Reproducing or reprinting all or any part of this zine without prior consent will be considered utterly disrespectful and generally uncool.

CONTRIBUTORS

Adamska Rakhilkina

Amritha York

Ann McCann

Anya Jiménez

Bellamy Bodiford

C. Show

Cam Reid

Cameron Vernali

Carter A

Casper Orr

Dale Corvino

Daniel Grace

Danielle Lande

Ellie Allan

Enjay DeGuzman

Ethan Draper

Hailey Green

Haley Schwartz

Hamish Bell

Holly K. Renshaw

Isabella Perdomo

Jamie Manias

Jason Wayne Wong

Johanna Hall

Jordan Roth

julia kusiak

Karla Lamb

Kate Warrington

Kayla Thompson

maanasa

Mars Goodwin

Max Stone

McKenna Gray

Meg Streich

Melanie Zhgenti

Mena Brazinski

Micah Brown

Natalie Walton

Nico Wilkinson

Nicole Hernandez Reyes

Nikita Ladd

Noelle Salaun

Rebecca Richardson

Rebecka Weinsteiger

Rhyker Dye

Risha Nicole

R.S. Jimenez

Roman Campbell

Sarah Pritchard

Shiloh Moore

Sophia Bautista

Sophia Townsend

Starly Lou Riggs

Taylor Simmons

Theo Crawford

Tom Infection

Tuff Cretin

Virgina Knight

Founder & Editor-in-Chief

Chloe Oloren

Managing Editor & Production Coordinator

Sara Childrey

Production Coordinator

Jason Wayne Wong

Director of Development & Communications

Tay Boulware

Web Editor & Distribution Assistant

Ty Aldridge

Principal Designers

Melanie Zhgenti, Nicole Hernandez Reyes

Production Designer

Olivia Bannerman

Design Team

Caroline Gharis

Devynn Mae

Fiadh Fowler Kevlihan

Kayleigh Scott

Mars Goodwin

McKenna Gray

Morgan Webb

Stormie Rae

Events Director

Emma Hochhalter

Marketing & Community Outreach Team

Ann McCann

Caroline Gharis

Daisy-Drew Smith

Devynn Mae

Dillon Parker

Fiadh Fowler Kevlihan

Hailey Green

Hannah Rubis

Holly Renshaw

Ky Tanella

Lindsey Blaser

Mars Goodwin

Melanie Zhgenti

Nicole Hernandez Reyes

Sarah Skinner

Starly Lou Riggs

Stormie Rae

Senior Editors

Cam Reid

Em Buth

Kayla Thompson

Meg Streich

Roman Campbell

Starly Lou Riggs

Zoey Knauf

Literary Staff

Abby Baines

Alyssa Dearborn

Andi Rand

Ann McCann

Annie Colao

ashley hunt

Autumn Palen

Bailey Bauer

Bellamy Bodiford

Callie Vaught

Caroline Lopez

Casper Orr

Cheryl Bush

Corvin Ezri

Courtney Ross

Dylan Bunyak

Ella Kindt

Ellie Allan

Ellie Davis

Em Haas

Fiadh Fowler Kevlihan

Hailey Green

Hamish Bell

Juliet Reynolds

Cover Credits

Nicole Hernandez Reyes

Kahlea Williams

Kaitlyn McCracken

Kamrin Park

Katia Vanlandingham

Kenna Devalor

Ky Tanella

Laura Snyder

Maggie Franckhauser

Mars Goodwin

Micah Brown

Michael Bednar

Morgan Webb

Natalie Walton

Nikolai Renee

Nitalia Hope

Piper Ruth

René Zadoorian

Rhyker Dye

Sarah Pennington

Steven Hughes

Stormie Rae

Tess Conner

Timothy Arliss O’Brien

SJ Waschi

HOW TO

START

START

YOU'RE INVITED BY A NEW FRIEND TO SPEND THE WEEKEND AT A LAKE HOUSE AWAY FROM THE CITY, DO YOU ACCEPT?

YEAH, IT SHOULD BE FUN! NOT A CHANCE.

ONCE YOU ARE SETTLED IN, YOU HEAR A STRANGE NOISE OUTSIDE. DO YOU CHECK IT OUT?

WHY WOULDN'T I?

ABSOLUTELY NOT. I LIKE TO MIND MY BUSINESS.

YOU GO OUTSIDE AND THERE IS A FIGURE IN THE DISTANCE. DO YOU...

YOU LOSE. YOULOSE. FINAL GIRLS DON'T STAND STILL! YOU TRIPPED ON A BRANCH AND FELL, SORRY... YOU LOSE.

NEVER ANSWER THE PHONE! YOU LOSE. BORING!!! LAME.

FREEZE UP AND STAND STILL. RUN AWAY. ARE YOU HIDING IN THE WOODS, OR INSIDE THE HOUSE? INSIDE THE HOUSE. THE WOODS. YOU LOSE. THE PHONE RINGS, DO YOU ANSWER? OF COURSE,IT WOULD BE RUDE NOT TO. NO! I AM HIDING.

https://pin.it/1vamNFson

SURVIVE A HORROR MOVIE

WORDS BY Melanie Zhgenti

BY Nic e H nandez Reyes

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER. YOU LOSE. THE KILLER WAS A DIVA ALL ALONG, YOU WIN!

I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD SWAG?YES!

YOU SEE THE KILLER SITTING ON THE COUCH READING ISSUE 4 OF FRUITSLICE- DO YOU JOIN HIM? NO? HE'S A FREAK!

YOUR DIAL TONE IS LOUD! YOU LOSE.

CRAWL BACK OUT, MAKE SURE THE COAST IS CLEAR.

PLOT TWIST: YOU'RE THE KILLER. YOU WIN, I GUESS?

PHONE A FRIEND.

NOW WHAT?

COVER YOUR MOUTH WITH YOUR HANDS, DON'T MAKE A SOUND.

GRAB THEIR LEGS AND PULL THEM UNDER.

WHERE DO YOU CHOOSE TO HIDE?

UNDER A BED.

BEHIND A CURTAIN.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I CHOSE TO HIDE IN THE HOUSE, I'M RUNNNING TO THE CAR OUTSIDE!

YOU SEE SOMEONE STANDING NEAR THE BED, WHAT DO YOU DO?

THE CAR DOOR IS LOCKED... YOU LOSE. A SHEER CURTAIN, REALLY? YOU LOSE.

WATERS OF M ARCH

WORDS BY Natalie Walton

NOTE: The names and details described in this piece have been altered to maintain anonymity and privacy.

At exactly 10:15 a.m. every Monday through Friday—holidays excluded—I find Marcia smoking one singular cigarette on the second story of our office building. We stand in the open air part, where there’s a sun-faded basketball court and a half-dead garden for the building residents.

She takes long, thoughtful drags as she looks out over the street below us. She’s the only person I know who earnestly smokes. It’s maybe representative of her age—I imagine she’s in her fifties, closer in age to my coworkers than I am.

She rotates between scrubs; sometimes they’re powder blue, sometimes they’re lilac. Today, they’re the latter. Her deadeyed expression is always the same.

Our fifteen minute breaks overlap. Or at least, they’d overlapped once and then twice and then enough times that I started coming by intentionally. I like the company even though we rarely speak. I don’t know if it occurs to her that we keep running into each other during our breaks or if she doesn’t bother paying attention. It’s her job, after all, to not miss a single detail the entirety of her shift. It’s the same for me. Our fifteen minutes are the only times we aren’t hypervigilant, although it’s a simplification to treat something like that like a switch that could be flipped on and off.

I stand a healthy distance away from her, leaning over the railing. We work out of the nicest subsidized apartment complex in the area, which isn’t saying much. She works as a CNA; I work as a case manager. The people we provide services for are best described as failed and abandoned by virtually every system our city offers. It comes with its complexities—decades of substance abuse, emotional outbursts, violence against themselves and others.

The view below us is of endless streets and sidewalks, pedestrians and cars creating ambient noise. In the distance, just enough mountains to remind us that our world is bigger than the building we occupy forty hours a week.

Standing out there with Marcia makes me want to ask questions. Not even about her necessarily, even if I’m curious how long she’s been at this building and how long she’s been a CNA. I want to ask her if she, too, is considering going back to school for the sake of upward mobility, or if she prefers being a CNA to being a nurse. If anyone had warned her in detail what her job entailed and if, even with the warnings, she still wasn’t prepared. If she sometimes has nightmares about the office, stress-induced after someone passes away suddenly, or seeing the state of an apartment packed to the ceiling from hoarding.

After I found my first dead resident, her body cold because no one realized she hadn’t been seen for days, I struggled with falling asleep for weeks. Part of it was the grief—I’d known her well as part of my caseload. Part of it was how jarring it was to see someone dead for the first time. And part of it was the realization that we could try our best to be kind (or even just inoffensive), because she did, and still die alone.

In some ways, I’m grateful for the job. It shrinks down the complexities of the systems around us, turning everything interpersonal instead of institutional. We aren’t being asked to fix barriers to housing or mental health services; we’re asked to file the papers to get people those services to the best of our ability. We go to the Housing Authority office, medical providers, food banks. Everything is in the context of assisting one person at a time, one issue at a time.

Over the year since I started working, people I don’t work with will celebrate me for my ability to do my job. They praise my patience, mostly. In their eyes, it takes a certain kind of person to get berated for an issue in the building (case management has nothing to do with property management) or benefits being cut back and then move on, never so much as feeling upset or taking it personally. But it’s impossible to take justified anger personally; the same complaints my residents have about feeling unheard are rooted in the same frustrations we experience navigating the system on their behalf.

That doesn’t change that the work is hard. I carry guilt from the days when I’m short with my residents, similarly to how I felt when I took in a foster kitten I adored but was, ultimately, a lot of work. I worry that the occasional bad mood, the days where I don’t really feel the urge to be the happiest and most helpful and most patient version of myself, means I’m bad at my job. These are the things we have to worry about when our job is essentially just emotional regulation, both of ourselves and others.

As time goes on, I wonder more often than not if I’m fit for this line of work. When I imagine putting in my two weeks, I can hear myself say I don’t think I’m cut out for this like I thought I was. I’m sorry I overestimated myself. I’m sorry I lied.

I look across the way at Marcia, thinking about how my job is paperwork and her job is doing things like dealing with people’s shit, literally. There are people out there who work jobs where people die all the time. It’s easy to forget that the things I’m seeing are real and impactful, too, when in the context of thinking about things other people are doing that seem objectively harder.

Ironically, I’ve never thought more about myself than while working a role that’s entirely focused on helping others. There are times when I catch myself ruminating over the weight and meaning of doing something for the benefit of others. Theoretically, it seems like certain acts of kindness should be generally worth more than other acts of kindness, but I’m not sure I agree with my own train of thought.

I sometimes imagine it like a bank, a deposit being made each time I help someone. Times when I hadn’t been kind, hadn’t been patient, hadn’t navigated a situation with the same ease as a conclusion to a thirtyminute sitcom episode, are all deductions. It never feels like enough; it’s like I’m racing against a debt I’ll never pay off. I don’t know if I’m a good person or if I know how to be a good person, or how to forgive myself for the times when I wasn’t. I don’t know if that’s a flaw built into me, or if it’s something I internalized through my work. I don’t know if it really matters that much how I’d come to feel this way.

Marcia goes back inside and I think about the bug that had gotten into my office last week. It’d buzzed around, refusing to leave even though the door was open. When it landed on my desk, I slammed a stapler down onto it and then started to cry when I realized what I’d done.

WORDS AND ART BY

Daniel Grace

How do I survive in a world that’s on fire? That is one of a few questions I am wrestling with both as a Queer human being and as an artist in the early stages of my career. My work right now is colorful, messy, free, with an abundance of glitter. It’s made because I need it to exist. Being a Queer, Trans, and gender non-conforming human living in the bible belt of america is rough, and can be quite isolating. I want my art to be a breath of fresh air for those who need it—a place of inspiration and refreshment for those who want it—a reminder (for those who also do the tango with death every once in a while) that maybe it will be okay. Maybe it will be more than okay, even.

I am working primarily with acrylic paint on canvas, with paper, cardboard, tulle, various texturizing mediums, and cut-out letters from old books and hymnals—or with glitter ink on paper, and oil-based pens.

SURVIVING QUEER MENTAL HEALTH

WORDS AND ART

BY Amritha York

“Surviving Queer Mental Health” is a mixed-media watercolor piece that contrasts the urgent need to address mental health for Queer folks with the strength and vivacity of the community that endures in spite of these challenges. The subdued, almost clinicallycolored border includes images that speak to the statistics of Queer mental health. This includes being subject to the most violent crimes, higher rates of almost every diagnosis than the general population, and the most limited access to treatment compared to other populations.

The images correlate with statistics and educational materials that can be found in a video, credited to @goodbrainenergy, which discusses the latest research and concerns regarding Queer mental health against the backdrop of the creation of the piece. The painting draws in a large amount of detail to include the many community fighters visible through Stonewall, rainbow phones, kid help phone line, pink triangles, and more. The piece invokes urgency and reality with big, bold, eye-catching colors. Golds and silvers adorn the dancers decorating and honoring the high and priceless value of finding one's inner identity and with it sanctity—a priceless heirloom that breaks intergenerational traumas that come from closeting and which can not be taken away.

The bright, colorful focus of the painting is on the individuals in the middle who rejoice and dance, despite the sobering and distressing reality of the obstacles that surround them. They dance down rainbow-filled skies and galaxies as they take up literal space with what has always saved us and given us hope and each other. Images of suns, flowers, and nature in unique colors remind us that we are not separate from nature but a unique and wonderful part within it. In the foreground, we see allyship and ambiguously gendered folks who stand united in breaking the box and border and never succumbing to becoming a statistic.

WORDS AND ART BY julia kusiak

SIDE ‘A’ OF ABUELITA TERESA’S APOCALYPSE SURVIVAL GUIDE

ART AND WORDS BY Isabella Perdomo

HOW TO

ART BY Risha Nicole

Bucket List:

☐ kiss someone in the rain

☐ hike to lookout point (and realize how much smaller your problems feel)

☐ get Gay married <3

☐ stargaze under blankets in the winter (teach someone the constellations)

☐ learn to whistle with two fingers

☐ create something that makes someone happy

☐ learn another language (and converse like a local with a stranger)

☐ get a lower back tattoo (a tramp stamp if you will)

☐ break into the Hollywood sign

☐ see the northern lights

☐ learn ASL

☐ come out to your parents (it’s ok, take your time)

☐ create something that outlives you

☐ see the sunrise from the top of Mt. Fuji with loved ones

☐ visit all the national parks

☐ grow out your hair only to shave it all off

You filled it out, now you have to follow through...

Yr Dead by Sam Sax

Literature as Liberation

WORDS

BY Casper Orr

“A lifetime of collecting books and they all say peace with no plan for them.”

Sam Sax’s (they/he) debut novel, Yr Dead, tells an emotionally harrowing story about religion, Queerness, family, loss, and politics–one that will take up space in my mind for years to come. Sax’s debut novel delivers a heartbreaking, beautiful ghost story told through poetic prose that feels so alive, you’ll hardly believe that its narrator is dead.

Yr Dead is the passionate retelling of the life of the main character, Ezra, after they self-immolate in front of the Trump Tower. As the novel opens up in the moments before Ezra’s death, the rest of the story is told through fragments of their life as it flashes before their eyes. And I mean fragments literally. The chapters–if you can call them that–are usually two pages at most. There is no significant marker between jumps in time and at moments in the novel, Ezra’s memories collide with those of their deceased family members. Their memories, last

moments, and personhood are swapped out with those of the ghost stories of their relatives; long gone, but telling a story that still lives in Ezra’s body. And then, just like that, Ezra will be themself again, reliving their life that was indelibly shaped by their ancestors’ history. A history of generations of Russian Jews, fleeing pogroms, deserting homes, abandoning families. A history of running, running, gone. A history of never knowing how long home will be home; how long it will be before they must flee once more. Ezra’s body carries these memories–their’s, but also not—as a surrogate. So they flee too–from relationships, homes, and anything that causes emotional discomfort. Even when they don’t have to. Though the narrative switches between Ezra and their ancestors, we’re able to get a better sense of how far back this history goes and why it’s inseparable from Ezra’s life in modern-day America.

But one of the most unique aspects of this novel isn’t even the storyline. What I’ve

found is Yr Dead–and Sam Sax in general–does really well is subverting structural expectations that have been set in novel writing. Because Sax refuses to abide by the normative storytelling techniques of distinct chapters, a cohesive timeline, or a singular narrator that doesn’t embody the spirits of their dead ancestors to retell their stories, they are able to construct a narrative that tells a complex generational story about trauma, political injustice, and activism. Sax’s structure in Yr Dead is so uniquely revolutionary, I can’t help but feel that it’s a form of literary liberation.

Sax’s talent in crafting meaningful and painful prose continues to resonate with their audience in Yr Dead. As both a reader and a fellow Queer person, I mourn with Ezra through their destructive relationships. I cradled the novel in my arms in the hopes to bring Ezra to my chest as their mother leaves for the first time (and the second and third and fourth) and when their father estranged himself from them to live on a culty commune, or when their first love died. I felt their apathy towards our political structures and the mechanisms of peaceful protest. I felt their hopelessness in each page that their life unfurls before us. At first, I found myself left feeling helpless, like I was trapped within the pages alongside Ezra and their experiences. Because just like Ezra, I feel trapped in a system that I have absolutely no control over. Some days, it’s nearly impossible for me to see the possibility for change. But then I remember what the purpose of self-immolation is–I remember why one burns. It is a deliberate and willing sacrifice–a form of devotion and protest. It’s also a personal protest for Ezra, coming from an extensive family tree that always ran at the slightest sign of unsafety. Ezra breaks this cycle through their selfimmolation, refusing to flee their home and intent on making an impact.

Ezra commits one of the most extreme acts of political protest to lash out against climate change, human rights violations, and the injustices committed in the name of capitalism. But just like Ezra, Yr Dead is committed to its protest as well, pleading with the world as it burns. It is built upon sacrifice after sacrifice, all while Sax refuses to waiver in their conviction. In a society in

which art cannot perturb the powerful, Sax disturbs and disrupts your daily broadcast of fluff entertainment, digging under your skin with their cutting narrative. Yr Dead has the potential of sparking a radiant flame, a new era of literature and art combating capitalism with raw honesty and genre-defying prose. I hope to see a protest in every novel that has yet to be written. I hope to see more literature bursting into flames in a similar fashion as Yr Dead. Not solitary candles in the night, but a wildfire that slowly catches hold of everything alive in its path.

(or, on the dilemma of how to appropriately handle a Gay funeral)

WORDS BY Sarah Pritchard

Please be aware, some people will have worked very hard their entire lives to ignore that this is a Gay, Homosexual, Bent, Queer, Lesbian, Dyke person. Some may be family members, siblings, parents, even lovers.

Therefore, I suggest a rainbow can-can down the aisle to open procedures. Maybe they haven’t noticed the loud banners & buntings & indiscreet theatrical dress code cramming the church—not to mention flowers highlighting the camp angels in the ceiling, strobe lights on the young christ figure that looks like a girl, & Mary the Amazon with a plastic axe. Even the bearded nuns & Sister Act/Julie Andrews look-alikes looked the other way from...

Psst! Isn’t it about time the church came out!

Also: the accompanying pets wearing cute, loud bandanas & flags & flashes contributing caterwaulings & twilight barkings.

Also: did we mention the music? Lashings of Dusty, Eurasia, Elton John, Joan Armatrading, Brandon Carlile, Indigo Girls, & other non-stop boogie vagina music until the ears bleed.

The coffin will be eco seagrass threaded with ribbons, badges, favourite flowers, & away-with-the-fairies lights.

Then there’s the exes... having attended a myriad of lovers’ parents’ funerals with up to a half dozen exes present; can I suggest we have a zone for them to congregate?

Then they can have an open mic competition to share the most embarrassing memories.

And of course, an irreverent reverend waving a wand with a witchy hat. P.S. If you’re my friend & die before me, you may want to come out before I help with your send off. This is my last request.

HOW TO

HOW TO: GRIEF

&

BY Roman Campbell

Thursday, April 7th, 2016

11:02 PM

- find out from a phone call that a ventilator is

• breathing for: your estranged father

• distance: 500 miles away

• times they’ve coded him: half a dozen

• ETA: 8:27 AM

- find out from a phone call that your father is going to die.

time denial

- sleep easy in the car; they’ll bring him back.

• they have to.

- pull into the hospital parking lot. take a deep breath. walk in.

• run face-first into an apologeticlooking ICU nurse

• she can’t meet your eyes

• you can’t do anything but stare at the floor

- hug the body; you’ll regret it if you don’t.

• hug the body with limp, stringy, grayblack hair

• hug the body that reeks of antiseptic and marlboro menthols

• hug it and feel the air wheeze from its lungs like a deflated balloon

- bring him back

• please

• please

• you’re only fifteen you’re not ready yet please

time anger

- toss bottles from the bar cabinet at a tree just to watch the shards of glass scatter across the sidewalk

- throw away hundreds of prescription pill bottles, and hate him

- take his ratty old green army jacket and his Jefferson Airplane records and hate him

- you’re nothing like him. swear it

• swear that you’re nothing like him you’ll never be anything like him you hate him you hate him you hate him you hate him

time

bargaining

- lie awake at night and let the years slip through your fingers

- remember seven, remember matted hair and pallid skin with a sour stench so strong your mother could hardly stand to hug you

• if CPS never saved you from that house, would he still be here?

• (would you?)

- remember thirteen, remember sitting at a table with a TSA agent as your mother scrambled to buy you a flight home

• if he never left you at the airport, would he still be here?

- if they never got divorced / if you made good on your threats / tossed his cigarettes in the trash / flushed his pills down the fucking toilet / if you called him / if you answered his calls / if you went to see him for spring break that year / if / if / if

- if you were a better daughter, would he still be here?

time

depression

- open the hospital bill

- ignore your mother when she tells you you shouldn’t

- bury your face in your yellow-beige living room carpet.

• scream till your throat is hoarse and your tears wash away half a decade’s worth of dirt

• “five thousand dollars for ‘discharge procedures’? there were no discharge procedures. he left in a fucking body bag.”

- watch Interstellar for the first time in philosophy class and sob so hard you have to leave the room

- stand in the hallway and sob so hard you think you’ll be sick, chest heaving and skin clammy as black spots swarm your vision

• pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease you don’t hate him you’re sorry you’re so sorry please bring him back

time

- at twenty, realize you are a man

• weep for yourself and the son he never got to know

time

acceptance

- swear that you are different

• (liar. you love Star Wars and Fleetwood Mac.)

- swear that you are different

• (he taught you how to use a camera.)

- swear that you are different

• (his face is a reflection of your own.)

- realize that life is too gray for that kind of black and white thinking and swear off swearing entirely

- in the end, swear nothing—only that you loved him.

time

epilogue

- in 2022, find a journal and a polaroid in a dusty old box

- learn that your father was a Trans woman who never came out

- grieve

• she will never know the man you are

• you will never know the woman she was

- write this poem

- remember:

• you’re nothing like him

• but you’re everything like her

time

WAKING UP TO NEWS OF A MASS SHOOTING AT CLUB Q ON TRANS DAY OF REMEMBRANCE

WORDS BY Max Stone

And now that I’m happy—now what?

No good sleep for weeks. Neck-crick. Cough. Unease-Dream: Swans, but they are seabirds and crocodiles, floating by on their backs, grinning.

Read the headlines: Direct hits to solar plexus.

Verses toppling out.

No words. But yes. Words.

Seized by gushing current, ride it downhill.

Ours is an eye of the storm simulation.

Between the poem and God’s yellow hawk eye, only the wintriest hello, & in moving its talons, a mirror is made—surface of the lake. We must all look.

Five dead confirmed. Defiant beauty. Unabashed selves. They are gone.

Appearing numb to the low hum of menace, some hope flickering.

Listen to the voices of the living.

Everything is divided into mason jars—a collective reckoning. We set out the receptacles, fill them with water to rest in the full-moon light. We wait. For answers. For solace. For action. All seem meaningless.

You die in real life—it’s true. I’ve tested your shiny buckle, it unfastens at last. We who were always tarnished and bruised up try to remain beautiful—star anise and cinnamon and turmeric—even in death.

Speak to the embroidered-collaged person-parents.

Push them over.

Curse their deformed calendar.

I regard your wish to only live once. Rest now. We won’t call you back to this life. A whisper of steam goes up from the porcelain. Untenable morning blooms sickly pink, hides thoughtful flesh.

We stopped saying Queerness so it meant anything. Stopped saying gender so it meant anything. Stopped saying love so it meant anything but this. Silence hounds into our beds.

For all those who just wanted to dance, we buy a violin, play it like a harp without understanding music. Off-key clamor, relentless noise. Until everything stands still. Plural. We must ask ourselves, “how are we?”

Every night we dress up. Miss Bella Noir in her ten-inch heels and ruby bejeweled bodysuit, me with my silver-blond hair and black velvet shirt with embroidered blue stars. Masculine but in the peacock way. Already, empathy recedes from their coasts like a frozen smog smirk. Shouldn’t have lived that lifestyle. Should have known better. Should have stayed home, stayed hidden. Instead, we do it in the daylight, wanting you to see us. Look at our flash of feathers.

A Park

Near Jenner

Our final hike together. A beautiful walk. Laughing about wildcats. Talking about love. Thinking to myself: she’s finally better. I can trust her again. Tears were in my eyes when I returned without her. Sitting in the parking lot. Hands motionless on the wheel. I couldn’t believe it then. I hardly can now.

Pretending to be in class while we ate breakfast together. Reading aloud Warbreaker, laughing at its sexism. Feasting on oysters, just pulled from the bay. When we kayaked across, our paddles made the water glow. Magic, at our paddle-tips; motes of possibility shimmering between us.

A House in Marshall

On our way home from a lovely adventure, joyous in our company. Stopped at a gas station, tire light on, scrounging up a fix. Looking back, I remember tempering her overanxious fears. I hate that I see the disease even in our loveliest moments. If I can’t have her now, why can’t my old memories sit untainted?

A Gas Station near Point Reyes

A Hillside in Mill Valley

SHARDS

WORDS BY MICAH BROWN | ART BY MCKENNA GRAY

I want a filing cabinet, full of beautiful, perfect images of her. I want to be able to imagine what her hug feels like. I want to hold onto every memory I have of her, everything she owned. But it is all a lie. A simulacrum. False hope. I say I want them, when all I want is her.

All I have left are my own memories, fleeting footprints of her, pressed into the rocky shores of my mind. And I fear that the tide will rise and wash them away. As I retrace our shared steps, I find shards of our life together. Every time I stumble upon a fresh place, I inhale a whiff of her breath, as if she was just there, just out of sight. This is a map of those shards. And this map will fade, bleached in the sun, tattered in the salty California sea-breeze. Every touch of memory is a papercut. And I’ve learned to love the taste of pain.

4

We drove the winding road to her mother’s house-on-thehill so many times. Birthdays and holidays, perpetually running late over the Golden Gate Bridge. I remember our last trip there. Miserable, helpless against her illness, I couldn’t bear seeing her suffer. And now I can only return to her lonely headstone, on a hillside at the end of another winding road, where the birds sing, and the flowers bloom.

5

She taught me how to make sense of my city: cafes she loved, people she cherished, places of ours, hers, theirs, mine… How can I find joy in a city that bore her blood on its pavement? How can I find joy in a city she grew to hate? Somehow, I find myself laughing in Dolores Park. Somehow, I let music fill my house once more. Somehow, I go alone to the coffee shops we loved together and smile. Somehow, our city is still my city. My soul is shredded, lost without its kindred spirit. Yet, somehow, our places are still mine.

I am without a manual. There is no “how to hurt,” no “survival guide for crushing pain.” I have just a map made of her impressions on me. The shards of our life together, and those of my shattered soul.

My mother told me that my ancestors were in the stars and in the clouds, watching over us. I don’t believe her anymore. But my memories of her live in these places. To go to them is to know pain. To go to them is to remember her. And so I go.

“There Is Still Time:” How

to Metabolize Loss

There are no answers beyond the hurt and comfort of Jane Schoenbrun’s I Saw the TV Glow

WORDS BY Kayla Thompson

As far back as I can remember, my body has never belonged to me. oMeaning, I can’t recall the last time I felt at home here. The last time I looked directly at myself in the mirror.

In April, I met a friend at LunÀtico, a jazz bar in Bed-Stuy. By the time we met in front of the bar, both running far more than fashionably late, it was completely packed, so we wandered down Halsey Street instead. The warmth of summer hadn’t rolled in yet and my leather jacket cracked in the cold. My friend’s fur coat brushed her knees.

We wandered into the middle of a café’s craft night and found ourselves sitting at an orange laminate table equipped with colored pencils and paper. I drew a haphazard bowl of fruit in blue on the center of the page and then wrote a poem around it.

I’d been thinking all day about how

supremely uncomfortable I felt in my own skin. I was uneasy, entirely on edge. Although I couldn’t quite diagnose the problem or pinpoint the anxiety, I averted my eyes when I passed by reflective surfaces and changed outfits no fewer than five times, unable to shake the sensation that I could sense the places where every fiber of every piece of clothing I wore touched my body.

The poem was little more than a regurgitation of all those sensations: “It was cold and I thought about telling her / that my sweaters are frayed, that my clothes are / fitting looser and I am afraid of my / own body, that I can’t look at mirrors / and I don’t know what to wear.”

A few weeks later, on the heels of this preoccupation with the way my body looks and feels and moves, and while searching for someone to brave New York City beaches for Memorial Day weekend, my friend invited me to see

Jane Schoenbrun’s I Saw the TV Glow at the Angelika. The film center organized a special screening of the film with a Q&A moderated by Emma Stone, and she happened to buy an extra ticket.

It began like any other trip to see a movie. We found our seats, drank large cokes, and shared a bag of popcorn. I knew the general plot of the movie, but it was the only major film this year that I hadn’t spoiled for myself yet, although I have a tendency to bury myself in television and movies when I’m overwhelmed, when I can no longer tolerate the outside world, when I’ve taken all I can take and literally can’t stand to be in my body for a minute longer. I think I didn’t spoil I Saw the TV Glow for myself because I knew, even then, before watching any of it, that it was going to be something special, sacred, a living Queer archive. I knew that I would appreciate being present and grounded for it, in it.

The first scene that unquestionably gripped me was the reappearance of Brigette Lundy Paine’s character. I truly can’t get it out of my brain: the fluorescent lights, the green rows of produce framing them, the raw steak slipping from their fingers. It stunned me, struck me in the deepest way. The contrast of hope, a somewhat magical materialization and return, against the violence and rupture of the raw meat was a truly arresting image.

I realized then that I was watching some kind of rapture. I was experiencing that which was holy to me for the first time. Every visual was so beautiful I could have cried, the Phoebe Bridgers cameo caught me by surprise, and the music/soundtrack/ score haunted me in the best way.

It’s no secret by now, not a new or novel thought, to propose that I Saw the TV Glow is a Queer and Trans allegory. What it illuminates is that which constructs our experience of identity and discovery: time.

When she reappears in the movie, Tara

(played by Brigette Lundy Paine) brings Isabelle (played by Justice Smith) to the school in their hometown. They head under the rainbow parachute that we see at the beginning of the film. Under the glow of the parachute colors, Tara talks about how running away from her life didn’t fix anything, eventually saying: “Time wasn’t right.”

The last time we see Tara on screen, she stands in the middle of the street. As the camera pans out and away, and as Tara turns and walks away, we see the phrase “THERE IS STILL TIME,” scrawled across the street. A final message for Isabelle. And while it holds on the screen as a harbinger of hope, I simultaneously felt my heart break. ***

I often think of another, related, scene from I Saw the TV Glow; Justice Smith’s character, who we later came to know as the real Isabelle (from “The Pink Opaque”), trapped in another life, another body, puts her head directly into the television. Multicolored sparks fly everywhere as she screams until her abusive father pulls her out. She fights back, wanting to stay within the TV, presumably trying to get back to her own time, the world of The Pink Opaque, but her father ultimately pulls her back, forcing her under the stream of the shower.

Isabelle ultimately doesn’t take the leap toward the unknown, the forgotten, with Tara. Choosing not to kill her old self to get to what is underneath and literally unearth herself, but instead to stay in the known.

I empathize with Isabelle. Because how do you sit with that loss? The loss of everything you thought you knew about yourself. The knowledge that all preconceptions of your body, your life, might not be true. When you accept the truth, how do you not feel the weight of the hours, days, years you spent in purgatory? How do we not crumble underneath the pressure of the self that was diminished, the time we let

slip away from us?

I’ve spent most of my life encountering and trying to reckon with loss, beginning when I was six years old. I grew up living in a large brown house in the country. On the weekends I sat with my grandmother on the flowered couches, wrapped in blankets she’d crocheted. Every Saturday morning, we watched Golden Girls while we waited for my grandfather to get home with mcdonald’s breakfast— hashbrowns and hotcakes.

My mother still tells stories about how close my grandmother and I were, how much she loved me. She died when I was six and her sister, my great aunt, quickly became a surrogate grandmother for my siblings and me. A few years later, she passed, too.

From then on, I knew what it was to lose. I knew that loss lurked around every corner. When I lay awake at night in the trailer we moved to after my grandmother’s passing, I knew that it would creep in the cracked back door that didn’t lock. Knew it would crawl down the hallway that my stepfather kept lit by one singular red bulb, stop at my door, rub its hands together insatiably at the sight of me.

Loss began when I was six and never stopped. I realized then, as a girl, and again as a teenager, and then again as a young adult, that I would keep losing, over and over again. What has hurt the most though, is the loss that I never saw coming: like Isabelle, the slow fade of myself.

At some point in my childhood, my body was taken from me. What was returned, handed back to me, was cracked, splintered. What left, went away from me, was time. I spent years trying to win back what was stolen from me, trying to win love and affection that was never intended for me. I spent years inundated with hateful sentiment and rhetoric, refusing to look directly at myself, shying away when I got a glimpse. Every minute

spent with myself stretched into hours, every day compressed into seconds.

Embracing yourself (your Queerness, your gender identity, etc.) is one answer, one path to take, and often a long one. Many of us make it here, but some of us don’t. I often feel that I am running out of time to figure it out. Figure myself out. I have heard the clock ticking since I was a child, and I am panicked.

I don’t know how to metabolize my own loss. How to make it feel better or wake up back in my body. I don’t know how to crawl out of the ground, to return to the surface, like Tara. I certainly don’t know how to find ways to grapple with it and win, other than hoping, other than the metaphorical cracking open of my chest and seeing what light pours out.

After the movie ended, my friend and I walked down the steps of the Angelika and into Lower Manhattan, eventually down to City Hall and across the Brooklyn Bridge. I thought about I Saw the TV Glow the entire way home, from the trek downtown, to the subway platform at Borough Hall, to a crowded 4 train just after midnight. Even now, months later, I am still thinking about it. Months later, I still don’t know the solution or the balm to holding loss like something precious. Since then, I have told friends that I don’t know if I hate my body or gender or both. That I don’t know how to metabolize the loss of my body or Isabelle’s or anyone else’s.

I do know that there is still time to figure it out, even if there’s still pain.

At the end of June, I was walking out of Washington Square Park after the NYC Dyke March. As I crossed University Place, I looked up. On the corner, someone stood waiting to cross and carrying a tote bag that read “ANGELS HAVE NO GENDER” in red letters.

If an answer exists, that would be it.

LOVE NEVER DIES

WORDS AND ART BY Danielle

Lande

I knew this day was coming

And you’d be passing on

But I still hear you humming I can’t believe you’re gone

But that’s life – it goes

It’s all we’ve ever fought

And that time – it flows

But it’s never really lost

‘Cuz she said

Dani, don’t you know?

I’m going out there light years ago

And you’re gonna feel it when I’m dancing through the sky

‘Cuz I’m ready, here we go

I promise I’ll keep you in the know

And we’ll be together every time you close your eyes

Love never dies

I wanna get that feeling

As if you’re in the air

But I’m alone and reeling

And wishing you were there

But that’s life – it goes

It’s all we’ve ever fought

And that time – it flows

But it’s never really lost

‘Cuz she said

Dani, don’t you know?

I’m going out there light years ago

And you’re gonna feel it

When I’m dancing through the sky

Cuz I’m ready, here we go

I promise I’ll keep you in the know

And we’ll be together Every time you close your eyes

Love never dies

Love never dies

Love never dies

HOW TO TELL IF G-D IS REAL, OR, IF YOU TALK TO STEVIE NICKS, TELL HER MY UNCLE WAS HER BIGGEST FAN

WORDS BY Ann McCann

Ihave no sources for this claim, that is, unless you count the hummingbird outside my window, the dragonfly swarm above my balcony, the red blinking light of the red supergiant Antares–otherwise called “the heart of the scorpion” as it posits itself right in the middle of the Scorpius constellation–in the night sky at 11:11, or the way Stevie Nicks comes on the radio always when I need my uncle. (Though, if you get to talk to Stevie, I suspect this essay will not come up.) Perhaps you may consider that the ridgeline of Mt. Lassen in the dusty, hot, Red part of California resembles the face of my grandfather who rangered there his whole career, or the fact that there are always blue jays around, just like the ones up in Lassen’s trees, when I need to feel grounded. Or perhaps you may even consider it in the way my wife laughs when I say I just tried to shove ten pounds of shit in a fivepound bag, because “that’s exactly what Boompa would have said.” Maybe my source

is just in the way my bottle-fed kitten, Joey, never replaced Callie (my soulmate, and I can prove it with her name tattooed on my ass cheek) when I was given her at six hours old, a few weeks after Callie’s passing, but made my heart grow so much bigger with my love for her that the pain of losing Callie felt manageable (most days). I have no sources for this claim that the AP, or an atheist, would find acceptable. Still, since I am a superstitious Jewish woman and a published writer, I am going to take my few liberties in saying this without a scientific source: those we love, those we really, really love, never, ever, not for a second, leave us when we need them.

My uncle Kevin was magnanimous. Tall and dashingly handsome, charming and expressive, he existed without apology and without hate or anger though he had every right to. You see, he had lived, or perhaps, grown up a young Gay man in the Tenderloin

district of San Francisco in the 1980s. Likely, we are all of a certain age to understand the implication of this very specific time and location. But perhaps the easiest way to explain Kevin Klein was that he loved, adored, and worshiped Miss Stevie Nicks. Rhiannon came on the speakers and Kevin was at church. When he passed away from AIDS-related medical complications when I was 21, I sobbed myself into hysterics for hours. Later, I got in my car to drive ‘round the corner and check the mail, something so silly but I suspect it was to keep busy. As soon as the ignition turned, Stevie crooned through my car’s speakers, “Mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above?”

Last year, I got floor seat tickets to see Stevie Nicks, having promised Kevin that I would take him to see Stevie one last time. Her performance was magic. I closed my eyes and imagined being in San Francisco listening to a twenty-something-year-old Stevie Nicks play on a grassy hill as a young gay man with a recent HIV+ diagnosis. The concert ended. Stevie left the stage. Encore!!! Everyone shouted. A few minutes later, she came back out and performed Landslide. I could feel Kevin’s hand on my shoulder and we sang our song together while I wondered how the child in my heart would ever rise above the ache of his loss.

When I think back to the early days of losing my uncle, I remember sobbing to my grandmother, hoping Kevin was in a better place, wherever it is he was. I was 21 and “faith” meant very vague things to me. My grandmother, a Christian of certain moral values, replied in a matter-of-fact tone that she did not in fact know that my uncle was somewhere good. He was, after all, a homosexual. Now, it’s a good thing I find myself a proper Jewish woman with proper Jewish doubts as to what in the hell happens after you die. Perhaps Hashem does hate the Gays, but the Torah damn well never mentions Hell, so I say a quick prayer and thank G-d for being Jewish and Gay and properly undecided on almost any topic like every other good Jew.

It was only a few years later that I did manage to make a decision. A decision that the hummingbird my grandmother-in-law sends my wife, that the dragonflies (and my sweet Joey) Callie sends me, the message from a red star 550 light-years away from my wife’s grandfather, and that the ridgeline and blue jays of Mount Lassen my own grandfather still lives in would agree with me on. That decision was that when we lose someone we love, no matter where they go, they stay with us while we still need them. When Kevin died, I screamed indignantly at the sky, I wasn’t done with you! And, I suspect, given he didn’t get to meet my wife, didn’t get to read my first published essay, didn’t get to sit next to me on those floor seats for Stevie Nicks, that he wasn’t done with me either. So he stays, and we listen to Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac together, and only sometimes now do I still cry. But Stevie Nicks still comes on the radio (and I swear Kevin turns her up) and that is how I know G-d exists.

HOW TO

how to be gay at the start of the digital age

1.

Be raised by a poor immigrant family in a big city

If given the chance, anyone would choose to be born into wealth. Money is equal to opportunity, synonymous with independence, and parallel to the direction of our futures, even more so these days. But for most immigrant families who get the short end of the lucky stick, they don’t count their blessings in dollar amounts. They find it in the quantifiable miles walked from their homeland and across South America, in the leagues crossed through the Caribbean Sea, in the lives lost along the way to the USA. Besides, poverty builds character anyway.

It won’t be easy, but you’ll quickly learn a second language after translating all your grandma’s mail. You’ll learn to love more than just nuggets and fries, and you’ll get your steps in meeting all your cousins who are spread across Florida. You’ll b e ignored often (there’s too many kids to attend to) but you’ll learn how to entertain yourself. There’s no room for boredom in a Latino household.

2. Become a spoiled brat anyway

If you’re lucky (depending how you look at it), your parents will split up when you’re young. You’ll get two of everything: two homes, two TVs, and sometimes double the money to go out. Growing up, my parents never alluded to the reality of our financial situation. They worked to give me everything I wanted because they never wanted me to feel poor like they did.

And it worked. I told the world we were rich. At 8 years old, all that I dreamed of would end up at my home: every Disney VHS, every console since the Sega Dreamcast, got to see every film at the theater the day it came out, my snoring father next to me after h is 60-hour work week. Elementary-me didn’t understand the word ‘no’, as spoiled brats often don't. And one day I kissed a boy on the cheek in front of our first grade class with the cockiness that all spoiled brats have. Even though he ran away screaming, even though everyone laughed at me and I learned something was wrong with me that day, and even though I know I’m not rich now… I will always have t he innocence of that kiss. No one could take from me.

3. GET EXPOSED TO RELIGION

4. Question Your Existence

Now that you have equal amounts of Lord and Satan on your shoulder, it’s time to overwhelm the mind with paralyzing questions and crippling anxiety! i had already told everyone that i’m gay by the time i found out it wasn’t something to brag about i was fortunate though, i never really got bullied, apart from some boys in fifth grade who asked if my hole back there is stretched out i ignored them since i didn’t know anything about gay sex so i didn’t get it anyway

But it’s middle school now the days of myspace ‘About Mes’ and glitter graphics When i wasn’t at church, i was at the altar of the internet By day, i was holding up the phone line talking to my best friend about online “boyfriends” i would never meet, and by night i would selfharm, trying to pray the gay away God had forced his way in to my everyday life and i wanted to impress him as a father during a time that i felt like mine wasn’t enough

in my experience, the trick to it is to in my experience, the trick to it is to in my experience, the trick to it is to make sure you’re exposed to religion make sure you’re exposed to religion make sure you’re exposed to religion later in life, to spice things up later in life, to spice things up later in life, to spice things up

by middle school, i understood what by middle school, i understood what by middle school, i understood what gay is and that it was me i can’t tell gay is and that it was me i can’t tell gay is and that it was me i can’t tell you if it’s thanks to the tumblr porn you if it’s thanks to the tumblr porn you if it’s thanks to the tumblr porn or religion because i can’t recall or religion because i can’t recall or religion because i can’t recall which one came first. What i can say which one came first. What i can say which one came first. What i can say is that only one of the two are far is that only one of the two are far is that only one of the two are far more likely to cause lifelong trauma more likely to cause lifelong trauma more likely to cause lifelong trauma and it isn’t Johnny Rapid. and it isn’t Johnny Rapid. and it isn’t Johnny Rapid. after a few years of church hopping, after a few years of church hopping, after a few years of church hopping, my mother finally found community my mother finally found community my mother finally found community and settled on Calvary Miami, where and settled on Calvary Miami, where and settled on Calvary Miami, where we would spend almost a decade of we would spend almost a decade of we would spend almost a decade of our lives it’s where i would find a our lives it’s where i would find a our lives it’s where i would find a label to who i am and how the world label to who i am and how the world label to who i am and how the world feels about people like me. it’s also feels about people like me. it’s also feels about people like me. it’s also where i fell for the youth pastor who where i fell for the youth pastor who where i fell for the youth pastor who was trying so hard to drive all this was trying so hard to drive all this was trying so hard to drive all this into my mind into my mind into my mind

my mother took me to Sunday my mother took me to Sunday my mother took me to Sunday School while my father was sneaking School while my father was sneaking School while my father was sneaking me into R-rated movies i was already me into R-rated movies i was already me into R-rated movies i was already living a “secular” life, but there were living a “secular” life, but there were living a “secular” life, but there were fragments of God making their way fragments of God making their way fragments of God making their way into me into me into me it was an inevitability. it was an inevitability. it was an inevitability.

this is the hard part, but some skip it altogether It’s hard to find just the right mix of boys, friends, and canon events to create a complex enough cocktail to make you a well rounded person. But it’s worth a shot.

For me, it was high school. At 16, My childhood church couldn’t pray the gay away either so they exiled me, and so did my mother. so suddenly my dad became my everything.

blessed be my loving father during this unhallowed time I couldn’t explain the marks on my arms. I can never tell him all the drugs I would take or how i lied about my age to meet strangers on Craigslist About the late night rides with men older than him, i don’t think he wants to know anyway, he’s just happy i’m still here.

just friends, to create cocktail a it’s worth was high pray me, became my age Craigslist the night older don’t i’m still but it my a even

but whether it was the pinnacle of my identity crisis or just a lonely puberty, I’ll never know. And even though God took a backseat in my life after all this, I like to think there’s evidence that he was around.

Then I found someone. Got myself a cute high school sweetheart during my junior year. A boy I liked years ago who wasn’t ready tells me that he finally is, and suddenly I had a hand to hold down the hallways. Now my locker coughed up love notes, his parents drove us to school dances, and I figured out how to know someone biblically.

This only happens if you’re really lucky though. There’s a fine line in between love and obsession you have to figure out if you actually want to keep someone around. Some get the hang of it, but I wasn’t one of them. Our love consumed me and I let myself fail high school. I made sure I was there for his graduation though. It took me years to find an identity outside of him and I didn’t feel like me again until I put hundreds of miles in between us.

(But I highly recommendskipping this lastpart!!)

7. THEN FALL IN LOVE WITH BEING ALIVE

Some of us don’t get to fall in love, while others get the chance time and time again. Whether you have company or not, make sure to make room for life too.

Death isn’t so out of reach anymore when you’re past the quarter-mark of your life. This new fact didn’t scare me, it just guided my aching hands into wanting palms. At some point in my twenties, my negligence of death was swapped with reverence and I think that’s what maturity is Why waste time worrying about my mortality when there’s no guarantee of tomorrow for the ones I love either?

It’s been years now since I lost my innocence in Miami. I’m a writer now. I’ve made a new home for myself with a new love in Orlando. I got myself two degrees. I call my grandma every week, took my father out to dinner recently. I see my mother some holidays too My little sisters all have boyfriends now And my old church decays on a vacant lot

Whether you skipped a few steps or made it here the hard way, congratulations at reaching the end of this Queer survival guide! Try to think of these less as steps and more like guidelines and feelings of contentment are guaranteed in 30 years or less!*

*Results will vary. Milestones will arrive at different ages and every culture comes with their own unique flavors of trauma. Clarity on sexuality is NOT guaranteed Parental support is NOT guaranteed Do not consume drugs until you are of responsible age Practice proper internet etiquette and take caution when meeting online strangers ENTER RELIGION AT YOUR OWN RISK

Written by R.S Jimenez (@byboyblue)

USER GUIDE

instructions for moving back to where you grew up

NOTE: Some of the steps described in this manual are optional, and may not apply to your machine configuration.

WORDS & ART BY Jordan Roth

WORDS AND ART BY Jordan Roth

1. Spend all of your money and burn yourself out in the *big city* with your *fancy job.*

2. Build a wonderful life with the partner you think you’ll marry.

3. Feel claustrophobic in the *big city* when said partner breaks up with you.

4. Unsure of what to do, move back to where you grew up.

A. find your childhood best friend or distant relative to move in with temporarily

B. preferably a few towns over from where you ~technically~ grew up

C. pack your things and your cat and drive the huge moving truck north

5. Unpack in your best friend’s spare room and nest like you know best.

A. yes, she does own her own home

6. Rest and cry and walk to the lake.

7. Go out on the town with your childhood besties. Get drunk and giggly.

8. Rest and cry and walk to the lake.

9. Go to the mall with your mom and let her buy you a sick corduroy baseball hat.

10. Rest and breathe and quit your *fancy job.*

A. because your boss “needs” you to move back to *the big city*

B. and you’re not ready for that right now, or maybe ever

11. Get lunch with your dad and he will ask if you’re bisexual or a lesbian.

A. it’s the first time you’ve directly talked about your sexuality to him and it’s sweet and tender

B. explain that you’re basically a lesbian, but decide to not go into the nuances of identity and sexuality at 12pm on a wednesday

12. Split your time applying for jobs and covering your friend’s kitchen table in art supplies.

A. journaling and creating are so crucial to healing

13. Work a test shift at a café because you’ve been watching The Bear and convince yourself you’d love it.

A. you hate it

B. you take your envelope of $30 for your time and keep applying to non-food service jobs

14. Get a part-time job at a sweet, small art nonprofit.

15. Decide you like this small city you grew up an hour away from.

16. Realize you don’t mind being in proximity to your family.

A. being a sister and an aunt is so cool

17. Start making cool friends who do cool things.

18. Against all odds, enjoy meeting new people and going on dates.

19. Take a deep breath each morning, grateful.

A. grateful that you have a place to come back to

B. grateful for people that will nurture and take care of you when things fall apart

20. DAILY: Work on not getting stuck in “next steps.”

A. focus on the joy and beauty and nourishment right where your feet are

21. It will be terrifying to move back to where you grew up, you’ll be scared you’ll never leave, you’ll be worried that it will be horrible.

A. some of those things might happen and some might not

22. No matter what, everything is temporary.

Even if you are in a place, emotionally or phyiscally, that you didn’t expect, you can and will build a beautiful life for yourself.

23. You are strong and capable and will find all you need within yourself and the people you surround yourself with.

PAGE 6, 9, 33, 89

WORDS AND ART BY

Noelle Salaun

Noelle Salaun’s redaction series is a celebration of her heritage, her artistic evolution, and her commitment to sustainability. This project, which stands as a testament to the enduring connection between nature and art, represents her commitment to craftsmanship and the use of found materials. By repurposing a book published over fifty years ago, Salaun breathes new life into the text, weaving her personal narratives and botanical fascinations into its fabric and showing the viewer how the past can be reinterpreted to inspire and inform the present. The process of selecting and altering specific pages from Cruso’s book allows Salaun to engage with the material in a deeply personal way, transforming it into a canvas for her artistic expression. Each page becomes a testament to the enduring beauty and relevance of botanical imagery, reimagined through the lens of Salaun’s perspective.

Illustrations by Grambs Miller add another layer of depth to the project. Miller’s botanical drawings, initially intended to educate and inform, are repurposed by Salaun to evoke emotion and provoke thought. The interplay between text and illustration in these redactions highlights the transformative power of art, where even the most utilitarian of materials can be imbued with new meaning and significance.

Through these redactions, Salaun invites viewers to explore the rich tapestry of her influences and appreciate the beauty of transformation and renewal.

My introduction to Remi Wolf was through purchasing a calendar for a friend. She was an “original listener,” and I desperately wanted to avoid a cliché birthday present (i.e. candle, plant, trinket that possesses only the capacity to “sit”). She started a new job, and it was fitting. A packet of paper to say, “Look, I have niche and interesting music taste and also my shit

That was the Juno era of Wolf’s work, an album of hyperbolic retro fluorescence that touches on eras of Wolf’s life that may not on their own fit into the synthladen, guitar-shredding danceable theme of her album. At its core, Juno is an album about trying to contort oneself to fit into the box of adulthood. “Liquor Store” focuses on Wolf’s experience getting sober; in “Quiet on Set,” Wolf depicts themes of L.A. and fame as something that feels nauseatingly impermanent.

Wolf’s work is the pill in the peanut butter. She teeters on an existence of cartoonish reality displayed in robust technicolor that allows her to write authentically on experiences of growing up, a thing not “feeling like it’s supposed to,” and feelings of transience while her music remains overwhelmingly upbeat and danceable. This brings us to Big Ideas.

Big Ideas as a How to Make it Through Life with a Nudes Calendar and Your Dignity Intact

WORDS BY Meg Streich PHOTOGRAPHY BY Ragan Henderson

ART BY Sophia Townsend

HOW TO REMEMBER WHEN ALANIS MORISSETTE KISSED CARRIE BRADSHAW WITHOUT FEELING OLD

WORDS BY Ann McCann

W0hen I was 17 I legally emancipated myself and moved across the country. Because I knew everything, duh. I had personally voted myself most likely to succeed after accepting a full-ride writing scholarship at a private college, getting good marks in high school, and successfully navigating coming out as a Dyke in the 2010s with minimal fallout when same-sex marriage was still illegal. Thanks, Obama. My 29th birthday is the end of this month–July: hot, full of promise, and irritating after too long–which suits me–and I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that with 12 months left, I will likely never be on a 30 under 30 list. I simply didn’t have the time. I lost a lot of my twenties to an abusive relationship, a lot more of it to healing from it, and only in my late twenties did I receive healthy lovers, a consistent therapist, an adderall prescription, and a fully formed frontal cortex.

This summer I decided to go back to school to finish my writing degree with this newly formed part of my brain. Almost thirty, I think to myself, signing up for classes again. You’ll be in school with children. Literal children. There’s like a list of 5 things you can legally do that most of them can’t yet! I was legally allowed to smoke cigarettes at 18, and, not that I have a passion for rental cars, but I was proud of turning 25 and being able to rent a car nonetheless.

This didn’t matter. I had twenty-nine-ish years of experience to write about that they didn’t. I had love and heartbreak and tragedy and terror and audacity and survival skills and (still correct) opinions! But most importantly, I had stories. Great, beautiful stories to tell as a Lesbian in Republican California (I’m from the same town as Megan Rapinoe, so it’s apparently an excellent breeding ground for exceptional Lesbians), as a Queerdo in the Bay Area, as a woman

in the era of Roe v. Wade, and the era without it, as an adult that remembered the Gameboy Color and Tomagotchi and Furby craze. I used see-through home phones and pagers and Macs, for crying out loud.

Suddenly, I was an elder. (Let’s take this term lightly here, I know I’m not old and wizened yet.) Suddenly I had wisdom and knowledge of aged cheeseburger cat memes and unironic turns of tongue like “doggo” and “pupper” and “adulting” (Gen Z–you will pry those from Millennials’ cold dead tongues) but also phrases like “WASSAAAAAP??” and “As if!” and “Florals, for spring… groundbreaking.” And then, suddenly Jojo Siwa is saying she invented Lesbian pop and I was questioning whether or not Tegan and Sara had ever even existed or if they were a fever dream. I began writing and telling stories about things I had lived through, learned, and wished I had never had to learn. Things like where you can sleep in your car overnight without getting a ticket or being told to move, but also things like how TaTu weren’t real Lesbians. But I DID get to learn about culture in the 90s way where you get to see Alanis Morissette kiss Sara Jessica Parker à la Carrie Bradshaw. (It should come as no surprise that I am a Sex and the City fan. If you are offended, please take this up with Kim Cattrall’s nipples and the way Carrie makes chain smoking marlboro lights sexy.)

Speaking of categorically basic white girl things, I did an angel card reading for myself this week: what will 29 bring me? Five cards fall out while I’m shuffling. I’m on edge when they do this; it feels less in my control and like the message is more important. I’ve been reading into all these damn types of cards since I was 18 and I wasn’t about to stop now. Oh, Universe, please, through the power of these mass-printed cards and my own intuition, what will this year finally bring me?? Release. Education. Support. Risk. Delight.

Woof, I breathe all the way out after staring at the cards. Education checks out, so does support. Risk scares me but it’s something I’ve been working on–getting outside my comfort zone. But then there’s the last two.

Release and Delight. I study these cards. After years of No-Good-Very-Bad-Days, I’m ready to release them. I’m ready to release a lot of things, like my twenties. I’m ready to delight in my age, in the place I’m at in life, in being a published writer, in impressing my professors again, in being a good wife, in being a great animal mom.

This year will be my last year in my twenties and I have plenty more stories to live through to be able to tell in the next 12 months, even if they don’t get me on a list. I’m excited to meet the thirty-year-old me and the woman she will be after another year of experiences that she will turn into a book someday as she looks back at this essay and laughs at me thinking I have wisdom.

‘How-tos’ on Film

WORDS BY Taylor Michael Simmons

Life does not come with a comprehensive ‘how-to’ manual. And it really should. Especially because like, how am I supposed to do any of this? I didn’t consent to my own birth and now I just have to do all this stuff? Nobody ever really taught me how to file my taxes. I just kinda try my best every year and in exchange the government takes my money and uses it to do a bunch of things I really disagree with (note to the united states government: pave our streets, provide healthcare, and give the military industrial complex a rest already). So what is a boy to do? Ask other human people (many of them STRANGERS) for help? No thanks! If I need to learn how to do something, you can bet your bottom dollar that I’m gonna try to find a movie that will explain it to me.

Now let’s get down to business. I have come here to chew bubblegum and present you with five films that I think deserve your time and attention. And I’m all out of bubblegum (that’s a reference to John Carpenter’s They Live (1988), which is funny because I haven’t felt alive in years). Nevertheless, I do have some movie recommendations that may provide you with some helpful ‘how-tos.’ Because we could all use some guidance in these trying times! I hope you find these films and their associated ‘how-tos’ helpful because if you don’t and enough people complain directly to @thefruitslice then all my written work gets sent to my parents and I’ll have to have a very uncomfortable conversation. Anyways, I’ll leave you to it.

How to Get Your Rock Opera Made

PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE (1974)

Brian De Palma

Like most young filmmakers of the modern age, my “notes” app is full of ideas for movies I’d like to make someday. I have even written a full script in the apple notes application of my iPhone SE, which I feel the need to apologize for. At some point, I would like to take these ideas and actually make them into something tangible that other people can experience and interact with and give me feedback on (constructive criticism only though because your boy is sensitive). But I can’t. Maybe I don’t have the time or the money or the resources, or maybe it’s just that I have ADHD and a crippling fear of failure that inevitably leads to me anxiously procrastinating anything I’d actually like to do with my time. Don’t worry everyone, I’m working on it in zoom therapy. Well we’ve actually been using microsoft teams. I don’t know why I tried to lie to you about that.

Winslow Leach is just like any of us: he looks kinda weird, he’s a little socially awkward, and he’s really into 16th century German folklore. Inspired by the story of Faust, famous for selling his soul to the devil and suffering the associated consequences, Winslow has poured himself into the creation of a new musical. But nobody seems all that interested. Until. Sitting alone at a piano. Baring his soul to an empty room. Winslow’s siren song catches the ear of a five-foot-two. Long-haired. Baby-faced record producer. Known simply as Swan. After stealing what is presumably the only physical copy of Winslow’s music, Swan proceeds to frame him for heroin possession. Thrusting Winslow into the horrors of the prison industrial complex. His teeth are forcibly removed. His hair is sheared. His voice is destroyed. His face is disfigured. Winslow is no more. The Phantom is born. And he wants revenge. For the theft of his music. And for its bastardization at the hands of Swan. So naturally, he attempts a car bombing. Just as any reasonable artist who has been wronged by a soulless corporate ghoul would. But when things don’t go quite as planned, the Phantom is faced with a Faustian bargain of his own: he can make his musical the way he always intended and all he has to do is sign a little old contract in blood.

Brian De Palma’s Phantom of the Paradise is a cautionary tale about the dangers of ‘selling your soul’ in exchange for creative recognition and success. When the opportunity to have your dreams come true is presented to you, it can be hard to say no. But be careful what you give away in the pursuit of these dreams, or else you might just find yourself living in a nightmare.

How to Be Yourself

9 2 8

STOP MAKING SENSE (1984)

Jonathan Demme

Hollywood Pantages

Just be yourself. I’m sure you’ve heard that little bit of advice at least once in your life. But, like most things, it is easier said than done. Especially within the context of a world that demands conformity. The truth is we begin to lose ourselves from the moment we are born. Just a little bit at a time. Slowly at first. But the pace quickens as we get older. We become more willing to discard pieces of ourselves in exchange for the comfort and safety promised to us by the world. It uses these promises to pry us away from who we are until, sooner or later, we are no longer ourselves. And one day you’ll wake up and ask yourself, “how did I get here?” On the other hand, I can play sudoku on my phone while laying down in the shower so how bad can it really be?

A lone man in a gray suit walks onto an empty stage with nothing but a boombox and a guitar. His name is David Byrne. And he’s here to save us. Jonathan Demme’s Stop Making Sense documents the final stop for Byrne and his band Talking Heads on their 1983 tour. (note to reader: ask your parents about Talking Heads if you are unfamiliar and/or you have cool parents) What Demme is able to capture here is nothing short of magic. At the film’s onset, the viewer meets one man, who looks like an intern at your dad’s accounting firm who has an art show this weekend. By the film’s end, they have seen the face of god (and of course god’s not real, but wouldn’t it be awesome if they were?). I grew up in a very religious family. We were told that the holy spirit could speak to us through music. Well this is my church. And David Byrne is my holy spirit. And what he is able to do on that stage is a miracle. Byrne portrays the playful innocence of a child whose parents are away at work: leaving them to run around the house, dance with the lamp in the living room, and parade around in their parents’ ridiculously oversized clothes all without shame. Stop Making Sense compels the viewer to just be themselves. Not in the way the world wants them to be, but in the way they were as children. Completely free and without shame. Don’t take life so seriously. Sing in a funny voice. Do a silly dance. Stop making sense.

Stop Making Sense might just be my favorite film ever made. It was first shown to me by some friends in college, before I was familiar in any way with David Byrne or the Talking Heads. I think I understood its significance back then. But like, in the way that you understand the significance of 12 Angry Men when that one substitute teacher makes you watch it for English class. Further along in my adulthood, after being more significantly crushed by the weight of my own existence, I decided to sit down and watch it again. I couldn’t help but smile. And dance. And feel alive. And if you feel even a little bit of what I feel from watching this movie, then this will be a recommendation well spent.

How to Start Your Filmmaking Career

Fruitslice Cinema recommends THE WATERMELON WOMAN (1996) Cheryl Dunne

I’m sure you can tell just by looking at me that I moved to Los Angeles for film. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I don’t really think I have any idea what I actually look like or how others perceive me. Let’s just say that I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody assumed that I was really into Christopher Nolan. I mean, I like some of his work, and he is technically my neighbor so I don’t want to be too harsh on the guy, but I think we as a people can set our cinematic sights a little higher. When I first came to LA, I knew I was interested in working in film but I kinda sorta showed up without a plan. Which is ironic for two reasons: (1) spontaneity makes my tummy hurt and (2) I usually prefer to endlessly suffer through all the hypothetical worst-case scenarios in my head beforehand rather than maybe have something not go so well in real life. And I so rarely try new things. But it was between this and taking over my father’s glass installation business and sometimes, a window is on the second floor and I’m scared of heights.

Cheryl is a young Black Lesbian who, like many in Los Angeles, relies on a day job or two to support herself in the pursuit of her artistic goals. She works at a video rental store and runs a videotaping business with her friend and is “working on being a filmmaker,” (which is something I say to people that ask me about myself while I’m making their coffee). But Cheryl is a filmmaker already. In fact she is the director of this film. And, while blurring the line between reality and fiction, she explores one of cinema’s great sins: the exclusion of Black women. Cheryl has a deep love for the (often uncredited) work of Black actresses during the 1930s and ‘40s. These actresses were often relegated to supporting roles to their white counterparts and their contributions to the industry purposefully forgotten by history. Through the creation of the fictitious Faye Richards, the titular Watermelon Woman, Dunne pays homage to artists like Hattie McDaniel and Butterfly McQueen and explores the intersections of race and gender and sexuality and the unfortunate truth that nothing much has changed.

This movie, often touted as the first feature film directed by an openly Black Lesbian, will forever hold a place in the history of film as part of the bedrock of Queer cinema. It may lack the polish of an [insert dystopian, lifeless, existing-only-to-increase-shareholder-value streaming service here] original, but this is a film that reminds us of the power and beauty of filmmaking. That at the end of the day, movies should be more art than commerce. That film should be a tool by which any artist can tell their story. Especially the stories that have been ignored for far too long.

How to Get Away From it All

Grizzly Man (2005)

Werner Herzog

Life sucks and then you die. This is something my father said to me when I was a child. Not just once, but on multiple occasions. Usually in response to my having just communicated my frustration with something. On an unrelated note, I’ve been noticing how difficult it can be for me to communicate my feelings to others. I wonder what that’s all about. Unfortunately for all of us, my father was kind of right. Life does, for the most part, suck. Sooner or later, we die. And this fundamental truth can be quite the burden to bear. It is important for us to, every now and again, get away from it all. Forget our worries. Unburden ourselves. And leave the world behind, (unless you have travel anxiety, in which case you’ll probably be spending a lot of time in your room with all the scary thoughts in your head) but you can at least try a nice bath or some box breathing!

For thirteen summers, deep in the Alaskan wilderness, hidden away from the rest of the world, Timothy Treadwell lived amongst the bears. Each year he would embark on his pilgrimage to the Katmai National Park and Preserve, for the stated purpose of studying and protecting the wildlife that resided there. And in October of 2003, at a time when food was scarce and the bears became desperate in their preparation for the approaching winter, Treadwell was mauled, killed, and eaten. At first glance, Treadwell seemed to be trying to escape a world that he saw as unfair and cruel and difficult to understand. But the longer I think about Grizzly Man, and the tragic figure of Timothy Treadwell, I think he was simply running away from himself. He often claimed to be a British orphan despite being from New York and having parents. He grew his hair out long and shaggy to hide his receding hairline. He refused medication that would have helped with his aggressive mood swings. And he talked about his heterosexuality, but like, in a really performative way that makes it clear to the viewer that he was definitely kinda Gay. He was even in denial of his own humanity, seemingly preferring the bear’s world to his own. And maybe Treadwell stumbled upon a terrible truth: that dying is the only way to truly get away from it all. Life sucks, and then you die. Or maybe you just forgot to take your antidepressants again.

Treadwell’s absurd life and tragic death are both brilliantly examined by the legendary and eccentric Werner Herzog — a filmmaker often obsessed with madness and the conflict between humanity and the natural world. He is able to handle Treadwell’s story with great compassion and care while providing fair and reasonable criticisms of his actions. Treadwell is a deeply tragic figure and we can’t help but laugh at him, if only just a little. Herzog understands that tragedy and comedy are two sides of the same coin and Grizzly Man is a quarter balanced perfectly on its edge.

How to Have a Memorable Vacation

Life can really get you down sometimes. Each day comes and goes, and along the way we are slowly ground down by the burden of our daily responsibilities. It’s important that we give ourselves periodic breaks from the hustle and bustle of everyday life, allowing our bodies and our minds a chance to recharge. Something as small as sharing a meal with friends, or taking an evening walk, or allowing yourself to hyperfixate on a 1000-piece cat puzzle can do wonders. But sometimes a more significant period of rest is needed. If we are able to pull ourselves away from the meat grinder of capitalism for a long weekend, we might be able to actually go someplace and enjoy ourselves for a goddamn minute. And why not go on this little vacation with your father? What’s that? Even the thought of going on a vacation with your father gives you a panic attack? You’re worried that he’ll spend the entire trip invalidating your feelings and talking about how everything that Israel’s doing is super cool with him? Yeah, I get that.

Aftersun is about a father-daughter summer vacation. Or at least the memory of one. Sophie is looking back on her childhood vacation with her father Calum (played by the equally hot and sad Paul Mescal) with the help of a small video camera they used to document their trip. Sophie is now a parent herself, and this has motivated her to look more deeply at her relationship with her own father. Like many adults who were once children, Sophie is trying to gain a better understanding of a parent and the internal life that they may have been hiding from her. Calum was short on money and depressed and probably Gay, and like most adult men, refused to share these feelings with the people that loved him the most. He kept these feelings from a daughter desperate for connection with her father. Calum is far from a horrible father. He is trying his best. But he is broken. And he doesn’t want his daughter to see.

Listen, this movie might very well be a modern-day masterpiece. It is achingly beautiful and deeply human and full of love and compassion and understanding. Shot on a combination of 35mm film and miniDV (operated by the actors themselves), this is one of the most impressively photographed films in recent memory. There are at least three shots from this film that I’ll remember for the rest of my life, or at least until the Alzheimer’s takes me. It can be easy to perceive our parents as something more than they actually are. When we are born, they are the world. As children, we see them as superhuman beings. As teenagers, they are villains. And as adults, ghosts. But at the end of the day, they are just people. And the sad truth is we may never get the chance to actually know them.

HOW TO

Teach me to be Gay

The Lesbian in my bed says I have a straight vibe. Fuck.

Never mind, 20 minutes ago, my lips were on her lips. Licking. Sucking. Cooing. Her fingers clawing at my back as I made her come.

I used to be straight, say I. Cue uncomfortable laughter. She’s younger than me. But not by Gay years.

A gold chain around her neck, rings on every finger. dickies that fit her just right. A carabiner clipped to her waist, always.

22-year-olds on tiktok teach me to be Gay. Say, Are you a femme who wants the Gay girlies to know you’re a little fruity? Sigh.

@hotdykeerika shows me how to hem my shirts from the boys’ department so they hit at my hips. Who has time for this, says me. Me, spends $500 on new clothes in an impulsive 2 a.m. shopping binge. My bank account hates me. I return half.

I play Muna on repeat, cry to Phoebe and Lana, imagine myself as Chappell’s Pink Pony Girl. Will she like me more if I inhabit their kind of Queerness? If I learn to be fluent in her language?

I cut my hair, consider etching tattoos across my arms, wonder if I’m trying more to embody the Queer or erase the straight.

I don’t tell her she’s the first girl I’ve invited into my bed. I don’t tell her about the men whose sweat have stained these sheets all because I couldn’t find the words to ask them to leave.

Now, she’s the first to go. I want to swing my arms around her and whisper, Stay. Keep us still in this space that feels like it could be ours. But she slides on her jacket, then her shoes. And I don’t kiss her goodbye. Not because I don’t want to but because she’s already out the door.

WORDS BY Kate Warrington

ART BY Ethan Draper

ON MEETING A BUTCH IN A BAR WHOSE NAME I CAN’T PRONOUNCE

WORDS BY Theo Crawford

Would you show me how to dance like you do?

The way your hips move, like you’re walking through water, I can see the air glisten and bend around you, glowing iridescent like the rim of a bubble in the two-dollar tequila shot I lost on the body-crowded bar. How do you make your arms do that, small fields of barely there coffee-colored hairs trail down your forearms, glittering in the strobe light, like watching fireworks, and when she finds me and flexes, moves her hand to my waist, the easiest thing in the world, it’s like I’ve been shot straight to Heaven and shown the meaning of creation. Would you show me how you do that step, the way your feet, encased in silver gray cowboys boots with fringe that shakes as you vibrate us across the floor, seem to know just how to sway us to the bubbling rhythm of a pop song I can’t quite place, your name stumbling from my mouth and whirling a drunken two-step around us. I’ve never felt like this before and I can tell by the way your lips are turned you’re realizing I’m having some kind of revelation. Some kind of spiritual awakening, I’m becoming myself, again, and I want you to show me how.

AND ART BY C. Show

ART BY Rebecca Richardson

HOW TO

LAVENDER MENACE

WORDS BY Hamish Bell

Fragments of Sappho still stuck in my teeth

& my tongue punched with fragments of choke chain, I’m Reeling, I’m learning to drag the bear-trap leg, To bear-trap,

To butch-bait, to let my eyes

Drip just that fragment too low & to know that they’ll like it, To let them.

I am licking my wounds to an amyl nitrite gleam, Teasing smoke from another filthy faggot mouth to mine & taking tips from my boyfriend on how

To take tips

As he places that word on my tongue.

Don’t let it touch the back of your throat

Because you’ll gag,

Unless you like that. Who knows, Maybe you’ll like that.

I will—

I am testogel-slick

With all my glistening, glittered youth

Set ashine by someone’s eye-fuck

Over someone else’s cig, Crooning “young, god, you’re so young”—

& I am,

But just look what I can do.

I’ll run in six inches if I have to; Shoot vodka without flinching

Like she taught me on my leash.

I can fuck my own face with my fingers till I choke & Know that I will always bring up lavender, & who else can say that—

Neck pretty & purple both inside & out?

Violet violent as bruises my chain never left

But their ligature did, With no rush as they died & Were young, God, so young &

They’d say that but they are in Fragments. In ashes,

In lavender growing up the amyl nitrite bottle, In blood bottled up below jaw.

So, tell me, Sappho—what haven’t I seen?

Which flowers wouldn’t I learn to swallow

For a chance of breathing easy

On the choke end of the chain?

NAUGHTY DIRTY BITS

Stills from the video art piece

Created

by

Adamska Elizaveta Rakhilkina

Cinematography by mikey barrata

August, 2023 Online

Naughty Dirty Bits is a video pairing that is half instructional manual on how to make your very own DIY hormones and half a decadent cooking tutorial. The two videos—each following the steps of making testosterone and estradiol—are in conversation with each other, flirt with the idea of art as activism, and insist on the concept of politics serving as the arena of invention and creativity.

In the year of 2023 when 566 anti-Trans bills have been introduced in the USA, and hormone replacement therapy has been banned altogether in the artist’s home country of Russia, the need to take your medical alterations into your own hands is especially searing for the global Trans community.

These videos are not just decadent tutorials on how to create dishes of your own choosing. They are pleas to both Trans and cis communities to wake up to the stringent hierarchies of the medical system and the panoptical control of the state over our biology. They are pleas to spearhead this molecular uprising and to take the reality of our bodies into our own hands.

HOW TO

BEATING THE MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL ALLEGATIONS

WORDS BY Johanna Hall

The thing is, once you’re actually certifiably manic—the psych ward kind, the picking fights with your band director kind, the pulling off your fingernails kind—you assume they’ll stop casting you for the role. They want the kind of crazy that demands nothing in return, and manic demands everything. Manic will take you, and you won’t learn a single lesson.

Oh, but is that the lesson? I see how it is. I’m reading a poem to a huddled room, the spotlight singing my scalp, my secrets bleached from overexposure, and you can only wonder what I would take from you, what music would play over the credits.

The thing is, I was never cool enough to be Ramona Flowers. I never even dyed all my hair—just the tips. I’ve cut it all off anyway—and no, not a pixie cut. I shaved it with the lowest razor guard that wouldn’t cut me and curled the shorn braids into a ziploc, to be buried in a desk drawer

instead of donated as promised. I haven’t had hair longer than a couple centimeters for four years and I can’t imagine letting it drag me down again.

I will admit I’ve always wanted to be Maria Von Trapp, fully devoted to a calling I nonetheless romantically escape from, softening a man and having kids without having to have them—but I can’t really sing Broadway, a theoretical escape plan precludes full devotion, and someone who won’t soften for their own children is past even my abilities.

I can see you nodding, adding to your audition notes. Maybe I’m a clever subversion of the stock character, you think, and I let my diagnosis sit there, daring the edges to peel. I’ll put it all on the table till the linens yellow and your stomach’s full and there’s still more guts to spill.

I explain myself hoarse, but you still think I can fix you. Okay, yes, I tried to teach that

boy in eighth grade theater to respect women by proving I could understand classic rock. And you think that means I could replace your mother while hating her, too. Did you know a man wrote that review, coined the phrase for an angel come to earth, falling for a man? Eve fell for what was good to eat— that’s the legacy I want to follow.

See, the thing is, it doesn’t matter what I say. It doesn’t matter if I’m a girl at all, really. I see the best in people and you want that for the worst in you. You want to sit on my stoop while I peel my heart from my sleeve like a scab, each pretending the other is real. I can’t get away from you, but I became something that you can’t hang onto.

So here’s my guide for girl-adjacent therapyattending niche-art-enjoyer recovering people-fixers, anyone who’s worried their life is a movie and not a life:

Don’t fix them. Don’t be their mom. Don’t be their dreams if you don’t like their dreams and don’t clean their room if they wouldn’t do the same. Don’t pour yourself out if you don’t have anything to drink.

Don’t say the worst thing you can think of out loud to satisfy them. Don’t rip out every nocturnal animal from your cliché ribs. If they’re the unoriginal moth to your overdone flame, get a fly swatter.

Only have hair if you actually want it. Dye it the color you want your bathtub and their pillow to be. Don’t take suggestions.

Take your meds. Take your meds even when you’re clawing at the ceiling, begging to be let out. Take your meds even as you press wings into wax in anticipation of flying too close to the sun. Take your meds because yeah, it sucks to stay indoors, but you have a home now. You’ve gotta take care of it. Open the windows if you must.

Your quirks or the pretentious way you talk or your DVD collection or the parking lot you take people to stargaze or the books you read on the bus—it all matters, but there’s no soundtrack. There’s no cinematography. Only do it if it matters without those things. Fell the tree in the forest only when there’s nobody to hear. You can make it into art

later, if you want, but don’t breathe it and write it at the same time. And don’t bring anyone with you who just wants to watch.

Call yourself a Dyke if it fits. Put it on pinbacks and patches and book covers. Don’t take lovers who won’t say it like a love song, who won’t let you see them the same way that word makes your heart burst, that won’t at least read Stone Butch Blues.

The diagnosis is the genre, the menu. It’s a haphazard description of the things that hurt in you and the ways you move, and, more importantly, it’s a way to communicate those hurts, find others that move like you, learn how to survive and hopefully more. The diagnosis is made up of you, not the other way around. You’ve heard the map is not the territory, but know it’s not a good map, either.

The manic pixie dream girl paparazzi/fans/ dabblers—they’re gonna find you. They’re gonna sit beside you in class or slide into your DMs and for a second, you’ll almost let it happen. But here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna love the crossed paths and the accidental things in common. You’re gonna let their questions fall flat. You’re gonna embrace what makes you the loverboy or the girl dancing on the balcony.

And if their life changes from brushing against yours, if they make a movie about it, if they think you’re an angel, you’re gonna laugh. You’re not beating the allegations— you never will. You’re gonna outlive them, though.

How to Give Up

WORDS BY Ethan Draper

step two: roll your screams, swirl them inside your mouth like juices rolling down your chin ripe, do not stifle

step three: search for your people–look in every corner at the gas station we will find each other, i promise

step four: hit back with love–kiss him with all the resistance in your bones for every slur or stare let your hands shake, baby

step five: get on your knees, aching in self supplication “this body is mine”

“this body is mine” “this body is mine”

step one: don’t

THIS MIGHT BE WHY PEOPLE READ SELF HELP BOOKS

WORDS BY Nikita Ladd

How to get blueberry out of white pants— Mom says to pour boiling water over the stains until they lose, and good sense says to not cook pancakes in white pants. How to regulate my circadian rhythms— Zac said walking towards the sun for ten minutes every morning, and twenty if it’s cloudy. How to shake at a work email and still offgas calm. How to leave dandruff on my scalp unscraped. How to tune out the car alarm intervaling on a work call with my boss. How to make after months of painful nothing— someone said once that there are periods of creating and periods of receiving, and I liked that, it made me feel better about watching my way through months of bravo shows. How to play— no one has any good advice on this one.

I think it’s good to cook pancakes and skip work and stay up later than you should and sleep in. Good to walk in the park until your hip starts aching and you wish you had worn different shoes. Good to spend beyond your means at a few too many dinners out.

Good to talk to your family only when you want, when you think they might make you laugh and happy on the phone, because that’s not every time, but it is sometimes. I imagine it’d be good to put my phone down for a day, and not keep my computer with TV on as a background to whatever I’m supposed to be doing.

I always imagine I’ll do tomorrow more right than I did today. I always imagine there’s another way to feel better.

I’M BIPOLAR NOW WHAT

WORDS BY Sophia Bautista

So you googled your condition and these are the top hits: “I’m bipolar. . . now what? and I hate myself. and I can’t keep a job. and I ruined my relationships.”

Welcome! You’re bipolar and you’ve had a psychotic breakdown.

Don’t worry! I’m here to help you process.

You are supposed to talk about what happened two weeks ago because it will catch up to you eventually—like the cigarettes you smoke and your lungs not yet blackened; or the mistakes you made that didn’t care that you were a child; or your shadow that’s just fast enough to be right behind you, but never overlapping you, so you never get the peace of knowing if you’ll escape or not.

(By the way, call out of work and hope they don’t fire you and don’t disclose your condition and have them pretend it’s an autoimmune disorder or something else more sympathizable.)

It is recommended you talk about that shadow you hallucinated, its words spat at you like it was chewing tobacco, like it was nothing, like it was the fish bone that gets in the way of you enjoying your food when you haven’t eaten because you’re too manic to eat. You thought your father was bad. You thought him, and him, and him were bad. It’s the shadow without a mouth that’s the loudest.

Write down what was said to you: “Loving you is so exhausting,” “You’re evil,” “You’re a high needs person.” It will be difficult to discern which is the shadow and which is someone you loved.

Tell yourself the shadow that spoke to you isn’t real, but admit that before you write your poems, it was whispered first; hot with selfhatred, wet like your imitation fingers when you pretend your hands are the hands of the one you love, and you try not to think about how those hands are all over someone else they love more.

Try not to think that your life is an unfulfilled promise, and a father’s unfinished business. Don’t ask whether you’re cursed because you’re his shameless daughter and not his prodigal son, or if you are the curse placed on him for his sins. Don’t ask why your motherland is your father.

Tuck the shadow behind your ear like a shy girl’s tendril of hair, too meek to talk back, thinking she’ll inherit the Earth, more martyr than mother. Hear her, it, tell you it’s a shame you are so sick with sadness. Don’t ask why she cut the cord.

Smell your lap and how it smells like a lonely girl.

Feel the warmth of your old lover’s hand over yours, like a wisdom tooth you grew up with but had to be taken out—how your tongue still looks for it years later. Think about how it was there, and you can’t forget it. You couldn’t have imagined it, because once it’s gone, nothing can grow in its place.

If you cannot sleep because of the medication, try this: overplay a favorite song until it disgusts you, where even love can’t save it. Then cut the music, make the record scratch sound like the skid of a car that long outgrew its wheels. See it die and grow mold like an unloved childhood bedroom, then make that car stand on cinder blocks, beloved enough to keep for “old time’s sake,” but missed more than loved. Call it by your name.

But: remember when you were a song on the radio everyone loved once. Remember how the I love yous rang with the hope of a ballad refrain, where maybe if it’s said enough times, it could come true.

Remember how love once sounded like a pair of lovers’ tin cans against the pavement instead of chains. Wonder if there’s a reason why they could sound the same. Wonder if someone could love a canker sore, the kind of sore that wants more than can be given, wants to sicken everything it touches with its hurt. Wonder if someone could go past the pink of your tongue and kiss away the blue in you. Wonder if someone could love someone as sick as you.

Concede that the giving up is the growing. Concede to snort the lines you used to write and watch your reflection turn beautiful.

Repeat these steps as needed, like the old childhood prayer to a God

HOW TO: EMPTY YOUR SKULL ON THIS FINE WEDNESDAY

WORDS BY Haley Schwartz

1. Go to the mountains.

2. If there are no mountains nearby, you may go to a rooftop.

3. Drink a gallon of water.

4. Download Notion.

5. Watch a lot of YouTube influencer videos teaching you how to use Notion.

6. Believe you are entirely alone.

7. Learn how to embed widgets.

8. Put on a video that will make you cry.

9. Make sure your body remembers how to do it.

10. Wail. Produce sound.

11. Come somewhere other than in your bed.

12. Call mom.

13. Tell her she’s pretty.

14. Tell her she doesn’t need a husband.

15. Meditate.

16. Put collagen in your morning coffee.

17. Drink AG1.

18. Go on a run in Prospect Park. Keep running.

19. Run until you are directionless. Run until the landscape changes. Run until you are in new microclimates and you piss yourself and your legs feel hot and your breathing scoops all the way into your stinging lungs.

20. Run until you are smiling.

21. YouTube a yoga video and follow the instructions.

22. When she tells you to love yourself, do so like your life depends on it.

23. Imagine that the ones you lost are sitting next to you.

24. Even the ones you didn’t like.

25. Postpone your Tinder date.

26. Apply to a job in arts administration.

27. Wish there were more hours in a day.

28. Wake up earlier.

29. Wake up earlier.

30. Wake up earlier.

31. You are an infant.

32. In someone else’s giant arms.

33. Let them hold you at the origin, where the air stings.

34. You know nothing.

35. But how to be held.

36. As you meet this tender cracking world.

37. You are new. You are wide awake.

HOW TO INDULGE IN SLEEP

WORDS BY maanasa

Tihis piece explores a journey I went through in my mid-20s where I became obsessed with sleep—not in the amount of sleep I hoped to achieve, but in the overall quality and peace I hoped to feel and wake up with.

I wrote the poem at the bottom to read like an esoteric to-do list of vague goals, responsibilities, and concepts floating around in my head. The poem on the bottom right came from a magazine clipping— of a poster for an art show—that I tried to remix by blacking out text until it became its own new poem. I wanted the collage and writing to visually and verbally follow the malleable logic of a dream: a flash photo taken during a night swim felt like an appropriate motif to the surreal landscape of sleep; darkness, the feeling of sinking/swimming that can occur when we dip into REM.

When I started to employ new techniques to help me fall asleep— usually a combination of adaptogens and sleep-assisting activities—I started to notice my dreams more. The better my sleep was, the more I felt inspired, creative, and optimistic the next day. I started to find a direct link between my lack of sleep and a lack of contentment with the way I would spend my days and romanticize the way my brain worked after midnight.

I didn’t feel in control of my life during the day, so I wanted to reclaim control at night. I found an article on “revenge bedtime procrastination” that studied a phenomenon in China where young workers working on a 996 schedule (9 in the morning to 9 in the evening, 6 days a week) would sacrifice sleep in order to make time for their personal lives away from work. Despite not sharing this exact experience, I could resonate with feeling powerless under capitalism and seeking maximum escape in my leisure time.

Equal parts research, trial and error, and stream of consciousness, I wanted to share some of my findings for others looking to improve their sleep cycles and feel well-rested.

HOW TO

I’m in my kitchen all alone when suddenly, I am struck with the urge to bake a batch of excellent cookies. My family has an ancient recipe that has been passed down through the generations (my Q-anon aunt made it but it would be cooler if it was passed down through the ages). I dig out the recipe and the necessary ingredients. I’m baking from scratch, which to me is akin to creating life; I view each freshly baked cookie as one of my own little cookie children. Forgetting to preheat the oven, I start to rummage through the kitchen drawers. I’m looking for measuring cups when I realize that, for the eighth time in the past three months, my mother has rearranged the entire kitchen and I can’t find anything at all and OH MY GOD MY MOM! I CAME OUT AS TRANS TO HER LIKE TWO MONTHS AGO AND NEITHER ONE OF US HAS SAID A WORD ABOUT IT SINCE WHAT DO I DO??!???!!?!

A 17 Year Old’s Guide to Baking Cookies

Hi my name is Holly Renshaw and I kinda sorta came out to my mom but not much came of it. You may remember me from my guide, A16yearold’sGuide toAlcohol, in Issue 1, so it’s only right that I return for this ‘guide’ themed issue. So, without any further delay, I present to you:

(and coming out as Trans… that’s probably important)

WORDS BY Holly K Renshaw

STEP 1:

First, you’ll need to work up your courage to come out to your therapist. She is obviously the ticket to gaining confidence to come out to your mom.

So, here’s the thing: I almost went through the entire session without telling my therapist. I had a lot of important things to talk about! She stopped me in the middle of the story about my latest unnecessarily expensive video game purchase to remind me that I left her on a cliffhanger during our last session. Kind of rude of her to interrupt me…but I womaned up and told her that I am Transgender. Luckily, her reaction was minimal and accepting (I sort of knew this would be the case, but still...you never REALLY know). She then convinced me to come out to my mom right then and there.

So yeah, anyway, you’re going to want to preheat your oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit even though you’ll probably forget to, and then in a large bowl, add 2/3 cup of shortening and 2/3 cup of room temperature butter (the room temperature part is important).

STEP 2:

You’re going to want to burn your fingers on the candle in your therapist’s office so that you have a reason to leave.

When the stress and anxiety of telling my mother the most guarded secret of my life got too much to handle, I simply left the room and left the hard work to my therapist. I went outside and texted as many people as I could think of about my “brave” deed and then waited in terror for my mother to step outside of the office.

By the way! 1 cup of packed brown sugar followed by 1 cup of white sugar, and 2 eggs. Mix vigorously until you have a fluffy concoction!

STEP 3:

If your therapist keeps candy in her office, make sure to stuff your pockets full—you never know when your next meal will come.

I loaded my pockets with treats, but my anxious waiting caused me to eat through my precious provisions. Now, only my fingernails crack and break under the relentless assault from my teeth! Finally, the door opens, and my mom comes out with my therapist. She asks me for a hug (we hug), and then asks if I want to talk. Usually after therapy I’m emotionally exhausted, so I say no, and she respects that. We drive home, not a word shared between us—only the sounds of the Foo Fighters to fill the empty space. That’s it. Just silence…no yelling, no crying, no screaming. Just silence. I know in a way I’m very lucky. I know many other Trans girls would sell their soul to have their parents react like this. So why am I still so anxious?

After mixing, add in 1 teaspoon of baking soda, 1 teaspoon of salt (table salt is the default but I have also found that rock salt adds an interesting addition to the cookies). Add 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract (3 teaspoons equals a tablespoon, and 1 tablespoon of vanilla extract is also acceptable). Mix vigorously once again!

STEP 4:

Continue life as normal and pretend like nothing happened. Out of sight, out of mind!

My mom does the same. I knew that she would be chill about it but still. It’s been almost two months and I can’t make up my mind on what to do. There is something holding me back, but I just can’t pinpoint it. I want her to know the real me! I want to start transitioning. For some reason I just can’t speak up…

3 cups of flour, mix it in slowly and carefully (lest you want the flour to explode into a cloud of dust, making you look like a wasteful cocaine addict). About 1½ cups of chocolate chips—exact amount should be based on your personal preference.

STEP 5:

Instead of sitting down and having a simple conversation with your mother, (oh who am I kidding, this isn’t simple at all!) scheme up a long and convoluted plan!

A Long and Convoluted Plan:

STEP 1: Come up with an idea for a submission to my sister’s publication, Fruitslice.

STEP 2: Write a piece about coming out to your mom in the theme of recipe websites that spill their whole life story before you can get to the actual recipe.

STEP 3: Make a guide within a guide just to pad out the length.

STEP 4: I haven’t figured out what comes next.

It is now that you’ll realize you once again forgot to preheat the oven and have to wait 15-20 minutes for the damn thing to heat up. Lay out dough balls on a pan with some kind of non-stick mediator (parchment paper, copper mats, etc.) and then put them in the oven for anywhere between 9-14 minutes (based on preferred cookie texture). Once the time is up, give the cookies about 5 minutes of cooling before moving them to a cooling rack.

PLEASE NOTE: Turning your oven light on and watching your newly birthed creations sprout to life is recommended at least once by leading cookie scientists!!!

Fuck, what step am I on now?

STEP 6:

Write out your heart for your mom in a literary magazine just to avoid having a conversation.

Yes, my name is Holly. No, it’s not a phase. Yes, I want medical stuff. Could you please buy me more women’s pants? Yes, I’m still the same person. No, it’s not my whole personality.

Now I understand that I’m going about this in a way that is unnecessarily complicated, but that’s really just the way that my family rolls. Anyway, enjoy my cookies! Whenever I make them, they’re always slightly different and almost never the same, which to me, is a good thing! I like the variation. Don’t be afraid to experiment!

I love you mom - Holly K Renshaw

“God blessed me by making me transsexual for the same reason he made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine: because he wants humanity to share in the act of creation. I am only doing the Good Works here on Earth as intended!” - Julian K. Jarboe

BY MICAH B

Fruitslice Issue 4, v1

Your Next Queer Polyamorous Cake: Messages to Guide

and Inspire WORDS BY Enjay DeGuzman

With appreciation for Alice Duer Miller

Number Message

Thank You for Being a Trustable Slut! 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Thanks for Being Upfront That You’re Unicorn Hunters in Your Feeld Profile

Sorry About My New Partner’s Red Flags

Well Done for Calling to Check In About Attending the Same Play Party as My Ex

Best Wishes Coming Out to Your Co-Workers

Congratulations on Being Chill When Your Almost-Fucking My Boyfriend Activated My Trauma

Sorry for Asking You to Only See Me on Tuesdays and Denying You Vacations with Me Due to My Wife’s Jealousy

Good Luck Explaining to Your Parents Why You Want to Get Married to One Person While in Other Relationships

Apologies for Sharing My Boyfriend’s Femmephobic Comments About Our Nascent Relationship

Sorry for Outing You to Your Mom While We Were Breaking Up

HOW TO

An army of lovers shall not fail. —Rita Mae Brown

EVERY BATHROOM IN L.A. IS GAY NOW

WORDS BY Karla Lamb

for Vanessa

How do I enter this poem? Do love justice? A party is a party is a party. We mark our territory, knock over piles of TP rolls at sapphic nights in gay sports bars. & someone in the bathroom line has a new crush, & you see someone else you know, & all our friends are here, but all we want is each other. & no one cares we’re gone 20 minutes, but you have all the drink tickets. & we slow dance to fast songs, & everyone’s ex is waiting for us to finish finger fucking. & it’s Aries eclipse szn, so all the girls are out in their villain eras—on the prowl, gay panic ensues—but I just got here & we’re sucking face already against damp tile in gentrified neighborhood bars—insatiable, like this is all we have to live for: Butch in heat—moaning in your ear—nauseous with hope—chafe from dickies’ jeans. I’m clawing at the walls, ravenous, obscenely yours, tagging your name, leaving our scent. & as the bathroom door slams open, I remember to breathe. I remember everything is a poem is a poem is a poem. & this is where the poem does what it wants: It’s having a midnight snack. It’s remembering self-care after the party still ringing in my ears. It’s raining in L.A. now, & my tits are a shelf for my chin on the breakfast table, leaning in. Listening to you talk about how dicks are fucking weird & to please, get those things away from me. But yours is my favorite. Double-sided. & every time I sub: a subversive act against patriarchy. & every space we walk into: Queer. Ours for the taking, & every bathroom: gay now. Because we can’t keep our gay hands off each other’s gay bodies, can’t help but start small revolutions against imperialism. Ass up, pressed against doors, heavy breathing in tight stalls, uncouth & undeterred, derelict daughters. Proud to hold your hand down Vermont Ave, to drown you in desperate kisses at every red light, to watch the eclipse reflect off a dildo coated in a tiny mosaic of disco mirrors. Proud to dance on every sticky floor, to close out every straight bar—every night love, every night revolution, fuel for the fodder. & when we finally peel off each other, post sleepy sex mid-afternoon, skin stuck like medical-grade double-sided tape, pussyfog so dense that there’s only one goddamn croissant left in this entire godforsaken city on an overcast spring Saturday. Because every hipster-raided coffee shop in Silverlake is secretly homophobic, but we spend our hard-earned freelancer cash there anyway. & the neurodivergent person experiencing homelessness in America mutters the cops are coming. & sure enough, our almond lattes come with a side of high-speed car chase down Sunset. & we live for it. We thrive in the drama of it. We want it all. To crash & burn. & the adrenaline coats our empty stomachs with the pure thrill of it. & the wind blows. & a marquee light bulb bursts. & you grab my hand & say, let’s go. Make love. Again.

ANALOG CODES FOR DIGITAL CRUISING

WORDS BY Dale Corvino

“Wait, you did random hookups during the pandemic ?”

“Gurrrl, there was nothing random about them…”

I.t was that emphatic random that stuck in my craw after everything I’d been through. I was talking about a recent visit to Central Park’s Ramble shortly after getting the second dose of the vaccine, a detour motivated by equal parts nostalgia and pent-up horniness. Once one of New York City’s prime cruising grounds, the Ramble is a naturalistic wooded area with lots of footpaths and scenic vistas. Cruising has been going on there for a long time—there are reports of it being called “the Fruited Plain” going back a century—although its popularity had diminished, between the prevalence of cruising apps and an era of over-policing.

Stepping into the Ramble under light rain with a band-aid over my fresh jab, I was in for a surprise: it was teeming with horny men. The drizzle just meant that there weren’t many civilians around and the place was all ours. I wandered along the paths until the magic hour came and the streetlamps turned on. The old knowledge—the analog codes—kicked back in; hard stares were thrown, shuffling feet did a circling dance in the dirt, heads nodded towards secluded spots. I was unleashed and it was magical. The overall vibe among the horde was purposeful horniness with a care-taking edge. We were all in on best practices: people had their boundaries about maskwearing or getting too close and they were fully respected.

The cruising I encountered that night seemed weirdly organized, as if everyone was operating with the same playbook. I came to find out that they were; I’d fallen in with a large meet-up organized on

sniffies. Launched in 2018, sniffies, which is a map-based cruising platform, is riding a post-COVID re-emergence of IRL cruising and the PrEP/DoxyPEP-faciliated popularity of hotel room sex parties, gang-bangs, and cumdump scenarios. sniffies appeals to me as an unreconstructed slut and as someone obsessed with travel logistics. The company was founded by a Seattle-based architect who was driven by his interest in analog cruising patterns in urban spaces; the website seeks to re-invigorate IRL cruising with a digital overlay. The splash page for each user is a scalable map of their immediate surroundings pinned with nearby users and cruising locations. Most users upload a profile photo; zooming in results in a startlingly direct visual—a map populated with mostly cocks and asses. The sniffies users I encountered in the Ramble were forging new patterns in the woods as the glow of their screens occasionally punctuated the dark. Digitally mediated, but not random, gurrrl.

Cruising seems to be undergoing a resurgence in the Ramble and beyond. It’s helped that the NYPD has shown a marked indifference to street crime and “quality of life” offenses in the lead-up to the last mayoral election, their usual tactic to scare voters away from candidates embracing police and justice reforms. Some of this resurgence is pandemic-related: a masked, outdoor hookup could be seen as safer than an encounter in an enclosed space. Like the scene I encountered in the Ramble, much of it is digitally mediated, a fusion of analog and digital strategies.

My embrace of technology is not blind: these companies are data mining operations, and we horny Queers in particular are handing over some very intimate data points. I too have experienced the mind-numbing cybernetic slog of scrolling and swiping, face buried in screen, eyes burning. While I share some nostalgia for the time before apps, I have to note the circumstances that led us to invent cruising. We were outlaws and had to find each other using covert signals; there were real risks of violence, arrest, marginalization. With the tedium

of that cybernetic slog in mind, it’s easy to look back wistfully upon this era, but analog cruising could also be pretty fucking tedious. There was plenty of lost effort and missed connections, lots of distracted emptiness and isolation. It wasn’t all sparks and fire.

In the days before the Internet, mobile phones, and locative apps, gays cruised each other in the street, on subway platforms, in bars and restaurants, in public restrooms; cruising was an undercurrent to the maledominated public sphere. We claimed marginal and liminal spaces all over the city: toilet stalls, parks, stairwells, dark alleys, etc. I came up an old-school cruiser in New York City. I especially gravitated towards the scene in the Ramble. We used certain signals, an unspoken language made necessary by the risks of coming on to the wrong guy or at the wrong place or time and being exposed. I picked these up from those in the know as a naive, sexually confused young man with a desire to connect that was stronger than my understanding of their meanings. Here are the principal signals of analog cruising. They can still be effective— although these days you may find that your intended target is absorbed in screen time.

THE HARD STARE

The hard stare was foundational to analog cruising. It is simply seeking and maintaining eye contact with a stranger. In times and circumstances when we had to find each other covertly, the hard stare could ask myriad questions at once, among them: Do you see me? Are we looking for the same thing? Can I trust you? Do you want me? Will you hurt me? Do you know where to go? Will you follow me? The hard stare was deployed in many contexts: on a subway car, passing on the sidewalk, side-by-side at a urinal, or coming upon each other in the Ramble under cover of dusk. A raised eyebrow may have followed, and depending on the context, mutual interest confirmed with the signals indexed below.

ANALOG CODES FOR DIGITAL CRUISING

Another cruising stare is more explicit: fixated crotch-staring. From across a subway car, as an example, your eyes would not leave the man’s package except to return to his eyes to look for a signal that he saw your attention and was not hostile to it. He might have confirmed interest with foot-tapping or a nod, and you might have further signaled your intent with a prolonged, lustful gaze.

FOOT-TAPPING

This signal was often deployed in tandem with hard staring, like in the subway car example, but the most site-specific use of foot-tapping was under a toilet stall. When seated and looking down, a foot was usually the only part of the man in the adjoining stall you could see. A slow raise of the toes was a deniable enough signal; if reciprocated, regular tapping would take it to the next level, followed by a hand under the partition or an invitation to enter his stall.

CIRCLING

In a setting like the Ramble, best by twilight, passing hard stares might lead to looking back upon one another, and then a decision to circle each other. The stare remained unbroken while the boldest or thirstiest of the two stepped towards the other, and if successful, the other would take a step closer, too. What this circling diagrammed was mutual longing tempered by risk; once the choreography landed them on a single mark, negotiations began.

HEAD NOD

An up-and-down shake after a prolonged hard stare—an affirmation of intent, still generic enough a gesture to deny in case of misunderstanding. Otherwise a directional nod to the left or the right indicating a nearby secret spot for encounters. A tilt of the head was an invitation to follow.

LIP-LICKING

Typically a follow-up to the hard stare but sometimes lip-licking was a spontaneous inspiration. It could be used when passing in the street, on the platform, or on the footpath. Some bold enough would direct it at straight trade they thought could be persuaded: a construction worker, a delivery guy. Staring at a man while licking one’s lips—no quick dart, rather a deliberate circumnavigation of the upper and lower lip with the extended tongue—was perhaps the most overt of the cruising signals. It had one direct and unambiguous meaning: I want to suck your cock.

CROTCH-GRABBING

You would think that crotch-grabbing would have been the default move for gay cruising, but its deployment was complicated by the fact that many straight men reflexively and subconsciously crotch-grab as an assertion of dominance. The behavior is observed in primates as well. In the gay cruising context, the crotch-grab could also be an assertion of dominance—I’ve got what you want right here—but the crotch-grabber wasn’t always an exclusively active sexual partner. Once the cruising rituals were complete, sex roles were often fluid.

Of course analog cruising still exists, in spaces out of reach from the tyranny of wireless networks. It’s been by necessity a craft of subtleties, a sensibility seemingly lost on today’s butthole-pic-forward users. Maybe it’s impossible to pick up on trade’s scent online (for now…I’m sure someone is working on a pheromone-detecting extension as we speak), but users can glean a lot by how others choose to interact. I like to think that the old signals dwell somewhere in the margins of our emoji/chat/pic/voice-note/ video threads. Somewhere in the … of a pending reply is the foot-tap. Somewhere in the noise of chatting over each other due to slowed uploads is the circling. I feel the friction of the analog and digital when Gen-Z children (who’ve never had a purely analog phase) step to me. Do they receive my signals? Is the language lost? Is that a glimmer of recognition? Might this help to explain their Daddy fixations?

The digital age represents a radical shift in communication, and I wonder sometimes if I’m only imagining traces of the analog codes in fugitive glimpses through the blur. Are they reconstituting? When I hit sniffies, past and present collapse. My moves may be pixelated but they’re not random, ok gurrrl? I seek to carry over the analog ethos into digital spaces. Like in the Ramble when I’d hover near street-lamps or moonlit spots, online I need more than darkness can offer, even a little glimmer beyond the screen. Signals in the digital realm are no longer transmitted by eyes or bodies; they are long strings of 0s and 1s pinging through space. So I’m an analog Daddy thrust into a digital context I don’t remember asking for, but I keep in mind that it’s something of a miracle that we’ve so Queered this technology, originally developed by the u.s. department of defense. We will use whatever methods handed us to find each other, while I level a hard stare into the ether.

HOW TO

WORDS BY Mena Brazinski

There’s a burning building behind you and you do your best to ignore it, but you live in the building and you are the building and sometimes the building is a girl called Elena in seventh period and because the building is all of these things the building is very hard to ignore. Elena smiles with all her teeth and looks at you like you hung the moon, like she can’t see the burning building behind you, that you live in, that you are, and you don’t want to ignore her, not really. The only thing you like more than Elena is the poem you memorize from your English textbook, you memorize Casey at the Bat, not because you like baseball, but because you like the way words feel in your mouth when you know which ones to say, and you only know which ones to say when they are someone else’s. You also need something to hold when her hands are out of reach.

You don’t learn much in English class that you didn’t already know, and no amount of algebra could calculate the slope of Elena’s arm to explain how you fit just so in the crook of it, but the sum of all that tells you you probably care more for baseball than boys (and you don’t even like baseball that much).

This will prove to be a problem.

Elena’s hands are never out of reach for long enough, never for so long that you don’t think about them when you try to memorize those poems you like or when you’re swimming laps at practice after school. You like baseball more than boys but you like swimming more than both, because you and Elena are on the team together, and she clings to you in the water in-between the scream of the whistle, the slap of bodies in the pool, the churning and kicking and boiling of it all. Your coach says if you goof off one more time he’s going to play no more bubbles, but you know he’s joking because he grins at you when he says this, but even if he wasn’t, part of being a burning building is not being afraid of water, is knowing that chlorine doesn’t sting the same way smoke does. He and your mom Go way back, kid, he says, Way back like bucket seats, he says, which means he might know about the burning building, might know that the spoon in your mouth is a knife at your back, but all he ever notices is you swim faster when he puts you and Elena in the same lane.

Elena’s hands scoop water and bend time and yours do very useless things like trying and failing to put out fires and copying down poems so they’re easier to memorize and sketching her from your bird’s eye view of her in class. You crumple up the drawing without showing her because it doesn’t laugh like she does, it’s flat and dull and boring, it lacks her kindness and her honor and her grace. You’re stupid for trying, you’re so, so stupid, because she’s so gentle and folds so easily but you’re sure she’s not made of paper, you’d be scared to touch her if she was. You’re still scared to touch her, but not scared enough to not do it, and certainly not as scared as you are to name the feeling that groans deep in your belly. Your

stomach growls louder and louder until your classmates can hear it, until Elena can hear it, until everyone can hear it except you, the churning and kicking and boiling of it all. And you are your hunger and you are your words but your words are someone else’s and so your hunger must be someone else’s too. This doesn’t comfort you, not really. The building burns still.

If a crack in the sidewalk ever widened enough for flowers to grow out of you’d pick some to put in her hair, and you’ve started fantasizing about someone putting a gun to your head and threatening to shoot until you choose one of your friends to marry and you pluck Elena’s name like you were born to do it, like it’s a flower growing out of a crack in the sidewalk and it stops the trigger from being pulled every time, but you weren’t born to do anything except have a burning building behind you, live in one, be one, and you don’t want Elena to know that, not like you know that every burning building began with a spark just like how every gun ever fired began with a spark and you’re beginning to think that the whole Elena thing began with a spark, too. She stops your heart like a bullet would but the bullet never reaches you because her name is on your tongue and so the gunman’s finger is off the trigger and Elena is holding you so tight, holding you like she holds water and you hold words. The building–remember it.

Elena is the poem you learn in English class and she is the flower that would grow out of the sidewalk if the cracks were wide enough but they’re not, but none of this matters because if you were good like her you’d stop talking to her before you burned her down too. You’ve spent your whole life trying not to look behind you, so you think it’d be easy to picture how this ends, but it isn’t, and you can’t, and it’s hard to see with chlorine and smoke and tears in your eyes and nothing ever ties itself up prettily enough for you to miss it. But it does end, because she leaves and then you leave and you tell yourself Don’t turn around, do you hear me? Don’t you dare turn around and there is no joy in Mudville because the burning building is behind you and now Elena is behind you, too.

A GUIDE ON HOW TO CHOKE ON FIRST LESBIAN LOVE

WORDS BY Shiloh Moore

1. Deny how you watch green chlorine water drip down her shoulders after swimming together on the hottest dog days of summer.

Deny that you learned how to braid hair so you had an excuse to touch the golden hair that meets her lower back and blush so hard the boys in class start calling you a dyke.

Deny when you partner up for every project because “Of course, I want to be with my best friend!” When really it’s more “I want to be back in your room where I am surrounded by everything that is you. I miss the smell of the blanket you wrapped around me and I miss watching you smile, sitting against your bedroom window.”

2. Cry all the time. Most times alone in your bedroom with your face stuffed into the cool side of the pillow.

Cry in the gym stall bathroom when she tells you she had her first kiss on the baseball field while cutting class with the meanest boy in your grade.

Cry while your ribs ache because she told you his lips were chapped but hers were covered in strawberry chapstick and how his hair was slightly greasy when she wrapped her arms around his neck.

Cry silently during science class at the thought she will never look at you like she looks at boys, at the way she looks at the one who kissed her on the baseball field and who also likes to shove you as hard as he can during passing periods.

3. Pet your childhood dog to feel like someone loves you. Pet her while pressing your nose to her spine to catch the scent of ladybugs that also lingers in her room, between the cracks in her ceiling tiles.

Pet your aging dog who has seen you grow up and never stopped licking your face when you came home even after you whispered in her dark fur that you liked girls the way boys do.

Pet your dying dog, years later, who is heavy breathing on the vet’s examining table and urinating on you, but you don’t blame her because she has never blamed you.

4. Never truly move on from the first girl who was the sun that thawed you even on your most frozen days.

Never really move on from her even when she yelled at you for being a lesbian after you came out to her in eighth grade on the same baseball field she had her first kiss two years earlier.

Never honestly move on after you see her engagement post on Facebook nearly ten years after she shoved you into the concrete of the bleachers.

Never move on from the girl who was your sun despite her burning you alive that last day.

Collect Fruit Stickers Here:

(I’m not not saying to steal from supermarket chains...)

ART BY Starly Lou Riggs

HOW TO

Maps have range. Of course, the little voice in your phone that tells you where to catch the bus is only the beginning of what a map can offer. They can help you travel through space, time, and your own neighborhood. Technically, a “map” is any layering of spatial and cultural data into a graphical representation. Roadmaps and political maps are super common tools, but in the layering of data also comes an opportunity for visual meaning-making. And the most interesting things that maps can tell us aren't always geographic—sometimes they’re about us.

Queering the Map is an online cartographic storytelling archive featuring user-submitted stories from Queer people all over the world. Each story is tied to a location on the map, which itself is a browsable online catalog of real-life Queer stories overlaid on a pink map.

It has gone viral a few times in the last several years for its demonstration of Queer life, joy, and sorrow. Queer Palestinians have famously used the website to promote their own visibility as a response to pinkwashing in israeli propaganda. Revelries of romance, missed connections, stark memories, important historical locations, and even places to seek healthcare and LGBT resources are all also frequent highlights.

Whether you appreciate Queering the Map as a powerful instrument of visibility or as a lush catalog of heart-wrenching Queer memories, people everywhere have love for this website as a tool for connection through culture, time, and space. Here are a few posts from the LA-area that really do it for me:

how to...form gay v

In this current era, everything can seem so incredibly shade of our LGBTQIA+ rainbow. Want to meet up with other a group or forum for that. Want to discuss philosophy with for that. Regardless of the size of the town or city brick-and-mortar community, or support group to help feel like it’s at an all-time high, it can also

Sometimes it appears like we’re a big, dysfunctional, only begrudgingly get together at the holidays obligatory family photo and then go our separate seems like the world is imploding before our eyes, the downfall of civilized society, etc. We need to support Emperors and Beast Kings are trying to take over the galaxy

Using a Gen X reference to illustrate my Gen X idealism,

Circuit Boys

Butches

Wolves

Insta-Gays

Leathermen

Twinks

Femmes

voltron!!! by jason wayne wong

niche. We can find outlets, channels, and sites for every other top furries to exchange costume ideas? There’s probably with other leather otters? There’s probably a local meetup you live in, you can probably find a virtual community, help you feel validated and seen. While representation may also leave us fractured.

dysfunctional, multigenerational family who can holidays (in our case, Pride month). We pose for the separate ways until next year. But right now, it eyes, i.e. climate disasters, wars, discrimination, support each other now more than ever when evil galaxy and crush our spirits (and our rights).

idealism, we need to FORM GAY VOLTRON!

1. Transmen

2. Bears

3. Asexuals

9. Bisexuals

7. Transwomen

8. Poly

10. All the Q’s 6. Nonbinary

Using the classic vehicle Voltron as a model of how can all come together, think of where you or your Queer family/allies/acquaintances/frenemies might fit in and pla y a part in the battle for our rights.

The Head: Can you keep your cool while debating that person who thinks our Queerness is a “choice”? Can you come up with a game plan on how to mobilize all these Gay groups that are banding together?

do I go here??? is this me?

Left arm: Assuming Gay Voltron is rightside dominant, the Left Arm has the important job of balancing out the right side and providing reinforcement. Can you carry a shield while the Right Arm is winding up to deliver a punch? Can you hold that protest sign high

The Torso: Everyone wants to be the goddamn bird on the chestplate. Visually, it’s the centerpiece. It’s often the girl character we all like to play in video games. It’s red and pretty—all the Gays want to be the bird. But it’s also the heart of Gay Voltron. It needs to shine bright and protect what’s at the core of our mega robot. Can you have compassion for all members of our community? Can you promise to speak for us all and remind everyone when one side or one part feels neglected? Can you keep beating and pulsing during difficult times?

of?

who can I think

Right Arm: Can you raise your hand and speak up for us? Can you flex those biceps and triceps before offering a smackdown to the bullies who want to tear us down? Can you do some heavy lifting for our

in the air while the Right Arm shakes its fist? More importantly, can you gesticulate poetically and give all the moves and waves while the right hand holds the microphone, à la Taylor Swift?

Left Leg: No one wants to be the fucking Left Leg. But guess what? Just like the Left Arm, it provides balance and strength when we’re winding up to deliver a punch to a Robeast or Mecha. Can you firmly root yourself and provide the support our community needs?

some heavy lifting for our entire community when duty calls? The right arm not only wields the sword but also the pen, signing petitions and drawing up protest signs with lightning speed.

Right Leg: Can you push the gas and get us there? This leg kicks the ball and scores the goal while the Left Leg stays firmly planted on the ground. Can you dip your toe into the water and tell the rest of us how it is?

Once you’ve formed Gay Voltron, you’ll realize we’re stronger together than as individuals. Working together, we can take on all those forces that are trying to destroy us just for being ourselves and fighting for our rights.

Assemble your team!

Get out there and

Autographs:

i love you <3 tell your loved ones to leave you a little note :)

but only if you stay here, right here. if i can’t keep you warm forever i can bite back the frost & knit you a blanket of my tendons, stretch marks, scar tissue. i can fit you between my ribs you little thing & you can steadily kick my stuttering heart.” I said “let me help you unpack. let me show you how to pack it again tomorrow.” This is how you pack and unpack a bag. This is how you beat and unbeat a heart.

H e l l o !

T h a n k y o u f o r c o n t a c t i n g t h e

S a p p h i c G r a v e r o b b i n g

C o m m u n i t y *

T h e S a p p h i c G r a v e r o b b i n g C o m m u n i t y ( S G C ) i s a g r o u p o f S a p p h i c s b r o u g h t

t o g e t h e r b y a m u t u a l l o v e o f j e w e l r y . I t b e g a n w i t h o n e w o m a n ( C r a b b y ) w h o

f o u n d i t r a t h e r d i f f i c u l t t o c o m p l y w i t h t h e S a p p h i c u n i f o r m r e q u i r e m e n t o f a n

a d e q u a t e r i n g c o l l e c t i o n H o r r i f i e d b y t h e p r i c e o f g o l d ( a n d r e m e m b e r i n g a

g o r g e o u s g a r n e t r i n g t h a t h e r h o m o p h o b i c l a t e a u n t w a s b u r i e d i n ) , s h e

d i s c o v e r e d i t w a s r e m a r k a b l y e a s y t o r e t r i e v e t h e r i n g w i t h t w o h u m b l e t o o l s t h e

s p a d e a n d s h o v e l

S i n c e o u r f i r s t a d v e r t i s e m e n t f o r t h e g r o u p i n F r u i t s l i c e I s s u e 3 , w e ’ v e d e v e l o p e d

i n t o a 2 0 0 + p e r s o n c o m m u n i t y . W i t h f u n d i n g f r o m o u r g e n e r o u s p a t r o n , L a d y

V i r g i n i a V a n D y k e ( F a u x - M a r c h i o n e s s o f t h e N o n - H o n o r a b l e O r d e r ) , w e h a v e n o w

e s t a b l i s h e d o u r h e a d o f f i c e i n T r o n d h e i m , N o r w a y . W e g a t h e r w e e k l y i n o v e r 1 5

d i f f e r e n t c i t i e s a c r o s s t h e w o r l d a n d a r e p r o u d l y r e p r e s e n t e d o n f o u r c o n t i n e n t s .

I f y o u a r e i n t e r e s t e d i n f i n d i n g a S G C n e a r y o u , o r e v e n s t a r t i n g y o u r o w n S G C ,

p l e a s e g e t i n t o u c h !

W e h o p e y o u ’ l l c o n s i d e r j o i n i n g u s o n o u r

a d v e n t u r e s P l e a s e f i n d o u r c o d e o f e t h i c s a n d

F A Q i n t h e a t t a c h e d d o c u m e n t P l e a s e f e e l f r e e

t o r e a c h o u t t o u s a t

s a p p h i c g r c o m m u n i t y @ g m a i l c o m i f y o u h a v e a n y i n q u i r i e s !

L o v e ,

C r a b b y

C r a b b y ( F o u n d e r a n d C h a i r )

* C A U T I O N

S a t i r e A h e a d : D o n o t t r y t h i s a t h o m e !

C o d e o f E t h i c s

P R I V A C Y :

A N O N Y M I T Y F O R M E M B E R S

T h e S G C r e c o g n i z e s t h e

c o m m u n i t y m e m b e r s ’ d e s i r e t o

r e m a i n a n o n y m o u s , f o r b o t h

l e g a l a n d p e r s o n a l r e a s o n s . T o

p r e s e r v e t h e s a f e t y o f t h e

g r o u p , p l e a s e r e f r a i n f r o m

s h a r i n g a n y b o d y ’ s f i r s t a n d l a s t

n a m e s t o o t h e r s o u t s i d e o f t h e

g r o u p .

P R I M A R Y P U R P O S E :

G O L D O N L Y

M a y t h e S G C n e v e r s w a y f r o m

t h e i r p r i n c i p l e o f s e e k i n g

j e w e l r y o n l y , a n d m a y w e n e v e r

t a k e f r o m t h e g r a v e s m o r e t h a n

t h a t . T h i s i n c l u d e s h u m a n

r e m a i n s . W e u n d e r s t a n d t h a t

m a n y o f y o u m a y a l s o b e

c o l l e c t o r s o f t h i n g s s u c h a s

t e e t h a n d e a r t h e n w a r e b u t a s o f

o u r m o s t r e c e n t g r o u p

c o n s e n s u s , w e c u r r e n t l y o n l y

r e t r i e v e j e w e l r y .

A C C O U N T A B I L I T Y :

S T I C K T O T H E G R O U P E T H I C S

E a c h g r o u p m e m b e r i s r e q u i r e d

t o h o l d t h e m s e l v e s t o t h e

s t a n d a r d s o f t h e g r o u p e t h i c s a n d

h a s t h e r i g h t t o a d v o c a t e f o r

c h a n g e s w i t h i n t h e g r o u p . W e

m e e t e v e r y t h r e e m o n t h s v i a

z o o m t o b r i n g t o g e t h e r g r o u p

m e m b e r s f r o m a c r o s s t h e g l o b e .

W e a s k t h a t e a c h m e m b e r m a k e a

c o m m i t m e n t t o a t t e n d t o e n s u r e

t h e i r v o t e i s c a s t f o r d e c i s i o n s ,

a n d s o t h a t t h e y a r e c o n n e c t e d t o

t h e w i d e r c o m m u n i t y .

R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y :

M A I N T A I N I N G C A R E & R E S P E C T

E a c h w e e k w e g a t h e r t o d e c i d e

w h e r e w e w i l l g r a v e r o b . A s

e s t a b l i s h e d i n o u r “ g r a v e r o b b i n g

g u i d e l i n e s ” , w e d o n o t v i s i t s i t e s

t h a t b e l o n g t o r e l i g i o u s

m i n o r i t i e s o r r e l i g i o u s g r o u p s

t h a t g r o u p m e m b e r s a r e n o t

a f f i l i a t e d w i t h .

I f y o u a r e f o u n d t o h a v e b r o k e n o u r c o d e o f e t h i c s , y o u a r e

l i a b l e t o b e e x p e l l e d f r o m t h e g r o u p a n d w i l l r e c e i v e a

l i f e l o n g b a n .

W h o c a n j o i n S G C ?

A n y o n e w h o b e l o n g s t o t h e u m b r e l l a t e r m o f “ S a p p h i c ” ! W e a r e n o t a g a t e k e e p i n g

c o m m u n i t y , b u t o u r p r i m a r y p u r p o s e i s t o c r e a t e a n d n u r t u r e a d i v e r s e g r o u p o f

S a p p h i c s

I s t h i s i l l e g a l ?

U H , D U H ! Y e s , g r a v e r o b b i n g j e w e l r y i s i l l e g a l , b u t t h e p r i c e o f g o l d s h o u l d b e t o o ! A l l

j o k e s a s i d e , p l e a s e f a m i l i a r i z e y o u r s e l f w i t h t h e r e l e v a n t l e g i s l a t i o n a n d m a k e a n

i n f o r m e d d e c i s i o n b e f o r e j o i n i n g W h i l e t h e S G C f o l l o w s v e r y p a r t i c u l a r g r a v e r o b b i n g

p r o c e d u r e s w h i c h m i n i m i z e c h a n c e s o f l e g a l r e p e r c u s s i o n s , e v e r y o u t i n g i s a h i g h -

s t a k e s v e n t u r e

H o w o f t e n d o y o u m e e t ?

C u r r e n t l y m o s t S G C c o l l e c t i v e s m e e t e v e r y w e e k a r o u n d 8 p m a n d a i m t o d i g f r o m

1 0 p m - 1 a m ( w e a t h e r , l o c a t i o n , a n d s e a s o n d e p e n d e n t ) .

W h a t a r e y o u r g r a v e r o b b i n g m e t h o d s ?

W e d o n ’ t c u r r e n t l y a d v e r t i s e o u r e x a c t m e t h o d s , s o a s n o t t o p r o m o t e o r e n c o u r a g e

u n e t h i c a l g r a v e r o b b i n g .

I s t h e r e a m e m b e r s h i p f e e ?

T h e S G C i s a n a l m o s t e n t i r e l y s e l f - s u p p o r t i n g g r o u p , m e a n i n g w e f i n a n c i a l l y s u p p o r t

o u r s e l v e s t h r o u g h g r o u p m e m b e r s ’ c o n t r i b u t i o n s . . . w e l l , a s i d e f r o m o u r p a t r o n , w h o

h a s e a r m a r k e d t h e S G C f u n d i n g f o r 2 0 2 4 - 2 0 2 7 t o w a r d s i n f r a s t r u c t u r e a n d l e g a l f e e s

( s h o u l d t h e n e e d a r i s e ) .

C o n t r i b u t i o n s a r e n e v e r m a n d a t o r y , b u t m e m b e r s a r e i n v i t e d t o d o n a t e £ 1 - 5 e v e r y

m o n t h t o k e e p t h e t e a b a g s t a s h f u l l a n d t h e s w e e t t r e a t s p l e n t i f u l f o r o u r w e e k l y

m e e t i n g s .

A r e m a t e r i a l s p r o v i d e d o r d o m e m b e r s b r i n g t h e i r o w n ?

W e a l w a y s r e c o m m e n d t h a t m e m b e r s h a v e t h e i r o w n m a t e r i a l s ( e . g . s p a d e , b u c k e t ,

s h o v e l ) b u t m a n y g r o u p s d o h a v e a s m a l l c o l l e c t i o n o f e q u i p m e n t t h a t c a n b e u s e d o n

a f i r s t c o m e f i r s t s e r v e d b a s i s .

D o I g e t t o k e e p w h a t I f i n d ?

A b s o l u t e l y ! A n y j e w e l r y t h a t y o u f i n d , y o u a r e w e l c o m e t o k e e p Y o u a r e a l s o w e l c o m e

t o d o n a t e a n y j e w e l r y y o u d o n ’ t w i s h t o k e e p t o o u r e n d - o f - y e a r r a f f l e , p r o c e e d s o f

w h i c h a r e d o n a t e d t o L G B T Q + c h a r i t i e s

HOW TO WALK TO THE END OF THE WORLD or AUDRE

LORDE AND I TAKE A GOLDEN SHOVEL AND DIG OURSELVES OUT OF OUR EARLY GRAVES

WORDS BY Kayla Thompson

They say love lives close to the heart But I have always felt it everywhere, in The cool burn of aloe, her brown fingers like Sun across my forehead. She Came in gently spring rain Up the coast, over the trailer, Burning cold in the March frost. Our Father said we had Eyes like The Holy Ghost, eyes Like the Whore of Babylon, Crystal red, beamed and Bleaching. In the summer we crawled into The evergreen trees, brought the copse of orange Sky down around us in a smear Of smoke. Branches curved in the Promise of an ark around two girls And their hope to be spared. My brown hair curled around her face, my Sister prayed to whatever might listen, Stood on the limb of the rising tide, Black, sea water up to our knees, faces Unblessed unbroken under the rainbow And the dawn taking us in hand. Unbelieving we stood staring at the end of our world on the horizon, stepped forward Shivering blistered in miles skin weathered In the light of the first sun, The last sun to touch us unsinned. We First knelt and prayed for change, the Cold laid out for us like a map toward the crystallized Show of surrender, anomaly, the endless trek Of balm to the skyline. Biblical wrath by the shore, the antithesis of love.

From A Family Resemblance by

Audre Lorde

The golden shovel is a poetic form that utilizes a line from another poem to craft a newly constructed poem; Each word of the line sourced from the other poem serves as one of the end words of each line in the newly constructed poem. The line used to form this golden shovel, “But the sun came up / burning our eyes like crystal / bleaching the orange sky of promise and / my sister stood / Black unblessed and unbelieving / shivering in the first cold show / of love,” comes from A Family Resemblance by Audre Lorde.

HOW TO

WOODY BANTER

WORDS BY Cam Reid

Woody Banter, a Portland-based singing-dancing drag persona, shot to local prominence in the last year. From dreaming of trying drag, to booking some of Portland’s mostloved venues and shows in under ten months, he’s the underground version of an overnight success. But like all good come ups, this one is actually years in the making.

Damian is a friend of mine. He’s an artist, performer, Portland State University alum, and regular at many local haunts. He brings Woody Banter to life on stages across Portland, tackling different genres and styles of performance with each set. The gay art scene in Portland can sometimes feel troublingly small, but everyone I know knows him, if not for his personality, then for the fact that he’s a star. He sings like a bird and can make characters come to life through song, but that’s not all he’s known for.

“I’m a dancer, whereas some people really focus on makeup or outfits, song choices or mixes, or other things, I’m kinda known for my dancing,” he says. As a witness to his craft, I’m here to say that that’s an understatement. He can dance in a way that’s elegant and raunchy, controlled and electric. His moves are theatrical in the sense that they’re dramatic and always on point—a talent that’s cherished in musical theater. In the drag world, these can make you a total rockstar.

After starring in a couple of notable productions at PSU, including a run of the Starkid musical Firebringer, Damian left school for the professional theater world in 2023. He landed a few roles early on in musical theater and screen acting. Around this time, Damian started publicly transitioning into life as a man after a lifetime of experiencing and practicing gender nonconformity.

At this time, his work as a performer also started to shift. Starting from traditional

musical theater through educational programs in and around Portland, he found that there were underground avenues of performance more suited to his style. These unconventional spaces offered room for the kinds of gender expression that he was personally already into.

In more traditional musical theater scenes, it can be hard to embrace gender nonconformity in performance—even if it’s a core part of your identity. Even in a city like Portland, if you have long hair and sing alto-soprano, odds are, you’ll be considered for roles as a cisgender female. As a young, working performer looking to open doors and expand their career, it’s easy for a Genderqueer artist like Damain to get stuck in a rut, taking on roles that don’t align with their identity or their philosophies as gender creative artists.

For Damian, drag is something different. It’s a way to use his longtime skills and passions as a performer mixed with a sense of learning and exploring that’s great for him as a young working adult, all in a medium that allows for him to express his masculinity early in his public transition process. Essentially, drag is a world that lets Damian be exactly who he already was, without the stipulations that come with seeking success in modern musical theater.

And there, in comes Woody Banter: he’s a hyper-masculine singing-dancing superstar who sometimes runs a cult. Other times, he’s from outer space.

“I’m still very much starting out. I’ve been doing this for seven months,” Damian said to me about his performance one afternoon in a McMenamins’* in Portland. In those seven months, he clocked almost 20 performances as Woody on small and large stages across the city—which is nothing to sneeze at, even if he is rather humble about it. “It’s definitely a lot more work than anything I’ve

ever tried to do. It’s all solo work. I mean, I get help from other people, but at the end of the day… it’s me. I have to come up with an act idea, come up with a mix, make my own costume and my own makeup, and try to come up with everything. Drag is all me.”

Having seen his shows, I can vouch for that. From custom mixes and designer-ready (and/or perfectly campy) looks to the way he takes the stage and makes it his, it’s all him. He performs as Woody Banter, but he is also Woody’s creator, designer, director, and producer. This is a hard pivot from musical theater, where casts and crews can easily be multiple hundreds of people guided by institutional leadership.

This new work has taken a lot of adjustment, practice, and learning. In a Fruitslice exclusive, here’s what’s in Damian’s firstyear drag toolkit as he transitions from musical theater darling to all around drag badass, taking the stage all across Portland as the much beloved Woody Banter:

• Closet space: A dozen or so acts with ten plus handcrafted costumes that you made and own is not a space-effective approach, but it’s what keeps the performances as Woody going. “I’m super lucky to have closet space now,” Damian told me, “but who knows what I’ll do in my next place!”

• Creativity: Everyone is creative in some way or another. However, coming up with ideas, looks, and numbers for a drag show definitely takes a special kind of creative work. “The first act I ever did was a green Christmas alien look. It was alien makeup, and I wore a Christmas blazer and a green latex dress I had worn to some party a year before. That was one of my favorite looks, because it was different from the other things I’ve done since then. But there’s others coming up.”

*McMenamins is a local restaurant, hotel, and venue chain in Oregon and Washington. Most people know it for its open mic nights and decent mid-priced pub food, but even PNW-local readers may be surprised to learn that part of the early success of the McMenamins franchise had to do with the McMenamins brothers—the franchise owners—and their early friendships with local drag stars. Some very notable Portland acts worked shows at the McMenamins Annex downtown back when they first opened. It was one of the first things that made McMenamins unique! So, next time you’re in downtown Portland, if you want a local beer on tap and to brush shoulders with Portland drag history, try the McMenamins Annex. Ask about it, too! All the employees know about the spot’s history as a gay bathhouse, before it became a drag-and-comedy venue slash bar and grill, which it is today.

• Notes app: This is where he keeps his ideas and inspirations, which come randomly and readily. “I keep a list on my phone of potential drag names in case anybody ever comes to me asking for one, it’s got like 15 names on it,” he said.

• Tech knowledge… or patience: He told me that the online process for applying to most shows—as a relatively unknown performer—can be tedious and require multiple parts. His advice? “Take pictures. Or get someone who can take pictures for you. Always ask people to film, because then you’ll have something to submit to other shows. My first show, I got no pictures. All I had was one teeny, tiny video someone took for me and one picture someone took of me in the dressing room. Then, just an after picture of me back home. I didn’t get any picture of me in full drag. I’ve been better since then, but that first show, man.” Damian also described learning how to mix his own music audio for performances as “the biggest learning curve.”

• Makeup—typical stuff, and not:

“My little nyx contour stick has been my best friend. Then, I’ve got this eyeshadow palette that I think is morphe. That’s got a bunch of neutrals, plus black and white; and those have been fantastic for contouring. Lots of neutrals, but also fun colors. I feel like I’ve got a good makeup look that I do but I want to take it further and do more creative things with it. Right now, it’s just kind of like, hypermasculine, but staying on the natural side, and I just wanna kinda kick it up a notch.” With his alien look, which he recently brought back to the stage at the 2024 Portland Pride Waterfront Festival, he uses green eyeshadow to contour his face and body. “One thing I’ve got on my wishlist is good quality face paints so I can do more colors and stuff,” he said.

• spotify playlists: This site is home

to many random bursts of really useful inspiration. About his performance as Sokka at a Drag-oke show at Suki’s Bar in Portland, he said: “I just went on spotify and searched for ‘Sokka’ and was like, what do people associate with Sokka? And one of the songs I used definitely came from one of those playlists. I was like, ‘This is perfect.’” The iconic Woody Banter alien look first started as Damian was browsing spotify. “I was trying to think of what to do for this [holiday] show and I wasn’t feeling inspired by anything. I thought I would do Ye Merry Gentlemen or We Three Kings or something, but I was looking through music and I Want An Alien for Christmas came up and I was like, ‘No, that’s what’s exciting to me. I want to be an alien.’”

• Good friends: For him, that’s where it all started. He said, “The first essential is friends, or at least community—friends who can recommend you for shows, or help you with the learning process. Most people have a drag parent, which would probably be helpful for me, too. But I have friends who are producers, which has been great. It’s not the only reason I’m friends with them! But it does help that I know them… and I’ve made a lot of friends doing drag. Like, when I did the musical Belladonna [which played in Portland at the Clinton Street Theater this past spring]. That was an unusual process where we had rehearsals every week. Usually, you don’t rehearse with other people for a normal [drag] show. I’ve even done shows where we all follow each other on instagram after and continue to support each other.”

He smiled as he recounted this for me.

“The first time I ever made my own mix, I went to my roommate and was like, ‘Hey, can you help me with this?’ and she basically made the whole thing for me. I’ve also had my partner help me make tearaway pants before. I’m like, ‘Oh my gosh, I don’t know how I’m going to get this done!’ and they’re like, ‘Leave it at my house, and when we go to the gig I’ll bring them back to you.’” He laughed… but I could tell it had meant a lot to him.

• Good spaces: “My first time performing drag wasn’t at an actual drag show, it was an independent artists’ show, which I came to find out meant it was all musicians, one comedian, and me.” He said that the show was great, but for him it was a rough—although totally necessary—start. He elaborated on the importance of spaces for artists to try out new acts: “I think the Alberta Rose is my favorite, the shows there are so cool. Lacy Knight produces shows there, and there are performers from around the country and around the world who come to perform there. I’ve done two shows there with my roommate, who at first asked me if I would do a duet with them. It’s such a cool space. The first time I did a show there I was so intimidated. We did a soundcheck and I walked onto the stage and was just like, ‘Oh my god, this is so cool.’ The venue itself is awesome, but the shows that get put on there are also amazing.”

Damian (he/him) is an actor and singer in Portland, OR.

Woody Banter (he/him) is Damian’s drag persona. You can follow him on ig: @woody.banter

PHOTO BY Damian

PHOTOS BY Starly Lou Riggs Kissed

How To: Tips from São Paulo’s Drag King Collective

WORDSBYStarlyLouRiggs

There’s a certain thrill in opening up a crisp new manual about something you’ve always wanted to try. Maybe it’s even a “How to…” online, jumpstarting you into the hypothetical first step of a process that you may or may not truly embark on. The truth is, starting new things is hard! But when you really want something, sometimes you just have to take the first bite of the apple on the journey to the core.

I am a lifelong performer and that tracks with my weird Queer-ass self. I didn’t always know that I was Trans Nonbinary (I partly knew, but I didn’t have the language or context in the world for it all yet), but performing gave me a space to play with gender in a world that seemed to otherwise shame it. While I lived in Portland, Oregon, I began to feel very at home and at ease with my identity, surrounded by a diverse LGBTQ+ community, and one that very much embraced gender nonconformity in so many glorious ways. Somewhere along the way, I ended up marrying my lovely Nonbinary partner who just so happens to be from Brazil. As such, I now live with them in Brazil. Amid the incredible new communities I’ve embraced here, I’ve found that navigating gender has become foreign to me once again, and yet still so familiar. The fruits here may be different (I highly recommend maracujá, atemoia, and caju!), but the overall flavor of oppression—and by contrast, community—is the same.

Now that you’ve spun the globe and landed in Brazil with me, I’d love to introduce you to the drag king collective in São Paulo—Kyngaral Sapatrans. I had the incredible luck of getting to see them perform and it was truly like nothing I’ve ever seen. Their performances are playful, raw, genre-bending, twisted, and Queer in every possible way. The crew is diverse, featuring people across the gender spectrum, performing freely without a binary focus. In the spirit of community, two members of the collective— partners Rud Fiamino and Fernando Piraña—also began teaching a drag king workshop in the city, teaching people of any and all gender expressions and identities how to dip a toe into drag, from character building to makeup to picking a song. This team of talented performers have created something really special, cultivating community and a safe space to be Queer. I was lucky enough to chat with Rud and a few drag kings in the collective—translated from Portuguese by my sweet partner Leo Fazio (they/elu*)—to get their perspectives on drag alongside some helpful how to tips for the aspiring drag star!

*elu is a neutral pronoun in Portuguese

Rud Fiamino

When did you first start performing drag? What is your drag name?

I started doing drag during the pandemic’s social isolation in 2020. Everything started after an online immersion with Rubão and Don Valentim, when I finally brought life to my drag king persona: Rud Fiamino—baptized in a hurry on the day of my online debut. At that moment, I didn’t know that would become my social name, until I understood myself as a trans/nonbinary person.

What does drag mean to you?

I believe that one’s relationship with drag is something very personal. For me, it has everything to do with gender. It’s about exposing how much we are all dressed up all the time and hacking gender signs to see how these issues act on our bodies. Being a drag king allowed me to understand why masculinity attracted and repelled me at the same time. Part of me really does reject and want to ridicule the standard toxic masculinity through my drag persona. However, another part found comfort in the investigation of other possible masculinities.

I know many drag kings are nonbinary, transfem, transmasc, and anything else in-between. How does drag align with your gender expression inside and outside of performing?

Before I officially created my king persona, I had been doing sporadic drag costumes since 2016. When I dressed as a drag queen, I felt like I couldn’t be feminine enough, and when I dressed as a drag king, I thought I wasn’t masculine enough. This dilemma haunted me for years, repressing my desire to explore this art. Before, I believed it was a question exclusively linked to my artistic expression, but in reality it was also about insecurity about my gender, intensified by a society that oppresses any performance that deviates from the standard cis binary.

Being a drag king was essential to my process of discovery and acceptance. It helped me heal wounds caused by hegemonic masculinity, as well as explore other possibilities for healthy masculinities. Through my effeminate king, I also came to understand makeup as a tool for artistic expression, and not a way to enhance my “femininity” and hide imperfections, as was imposed on me in my socialization as an AFAB (assigned female at birth) person.

Performing can be scary. Exploring the expansive world of gender can also be scary, in a world sometimes not accepting of gender diversity. What advice would you give to anyone who wants to perform in drag but is nervous to start?

I would advise you to start as soon as possible. It took me a while to start officially—putting myself together— because I thought that in order to have a drag persona, it would be necessary to have a very closed and cohesive concept of visual identity. However, today I see it differently. Drag is a process. It is experimentation. It is a fluid art that changes all the time, as we transform ourselves. I regret having self-sabotaged and postponed the beginning of my drag journey for so long because of the fear of judgment. That is why it is very important to ally ourselves with people who strengthen our art, because in the drag world the culture of “shade” is very common, which ends up demotivating many performers.

Do you make your own outfits? Do you work with a team to create your performance?

I create many of my own looks, as I also work as a costume designer. I usually create most of my routines by myself, but sometimes I also perform with other drag kings, especially my partner Fernando Piraña.

Even though it involves so much professional knowledge, understanding drag as a profession is something that is very recent to me. Most contractors pay much less than would be a fair amount, as they disregard all the prior work of putting on clothes, making costumes, wigs, rehearsals, and courses (since people who do drag also study, lol). A 5-minute artistic routine sometimes requires months of preparation. And the drag scene in general prioritizes standard bodies, white, thin, cis, and people without disabilities. Other performers do not have the same space, and drag kings continue to be marginalized.

Could you talk a little about teaching drag and the classes you lead?

Drag is certainly a collective endeavor. I joke that “drag is a pyramid scheme,” because we always want to bring more people to do it with us. The art of being a drag king is even more so, as it’s invisible and practiced by very few people.

In this fight for visibility, in May 2024, my partner Fernando and I decided to put our drag king workshop project into practice, exploring masculinities beyond the binary. The course was a very rich experience of exchange, and it’s been wonderful to see kings who were born there continuing to perform.

What items would you add in your “first-year-of-drag toolkit”?

Multiple rhinestones, glitter, contour stick, eyeliner to draw the mustache, false eyelashes and a cowboy hat.

Social media?

Drag ig: @rudfiamino

Personal and makeup ig: @rudmake

Props ig: @badernera

Sara Pooka / Suria Pooka

What is your drag name?

I started doing drag in 2019. My first presentation was a “Drag Bingo” at Casa 1 (a non-profit organization that fights for LGBTQIA+ rights in São Paulo). On that occasion, I was presenting my female drag persona called Sara Pooka. She has a brother, my masculine drag persona called Suria Pooka. They are both very exuberant creatures.

What does drag mean to you?

For me, drag means a moment to stop all other things that I’m doing and think about gender as if I had always lived in a very free world. With that mindset, I explore who I would be if I was either feminine or masculine, a guy vs. a woman in a context of no judgment, nor punishment. I plan my performances from this mental landscape, being able to live in this genderjudgment- free zone for a few moments.

How does drag align with your gender expression inside and outside of performing?

In my everyday life, I’m a Nonbinary Transmasculine man; however, I seldom fully socialize my true gender because people look at me and almost always see me as a cisgender gay male. I would like to explore more nuances of my gender with the people that usually surround me, but life goes by too fast and educating people takes a lot of time. So, for me, drag is this moment when I’m allowed to talk about gender having a lot more artistic resources than the verbal words that we tend to have in the streets, at college, or at work. For many Trans people, doing drag helped them to understand that they were actually Trans and after, they could continue drag as an artistic expression. My

story is a bit different, since I was already three years into my transition when I started doing drag. The effort of fighting society and myself to deconstruct my old gender identity and build myself again as a Transgender man had been exhausting. I was beyond myself with no more energy to give. I urgently needed something to lighten my life and open a new social field, to explore. Drag opened those doors for me. I didn’t need to abruptly separate from the gender subject, but I found a place where I could have fun with it.

What advice would you give to anyone who wants to perform in drag but is nervous to start?

I think my main advice is that you don’t need to start big. There’s no necessity of doing your first show in very expensive clothes and jewelry, or doing the best lip-sync ever with a split and a death drop in the first two minutes of the music. About the fear factor, we live in a dangerous society for any form of non-conforming gender expressions. Feeling afraid is normal and understandable, so accept your fear, just don’t allow it to stop you. Start small. Maybe take photos of your makeup in your bedroom to show just to very close friends. After, you can do a video. Next, go in drag to the LGBTQI+ Pride closest to you. Above all, take your time and respect your wishes and limitations.

Do you make your own outfits?

Unfortunately, I’m not a sewing expert. In this area, I’m more of a designer. I create my looks on paper and take my drawings to a local seamster. I usually use sewers who make anime cosplays, because they are a lot more openminded to the sort of sewing work that I need. Until this moment, I’ve created all my performances. I just hire help to do some technical things. I come from a circus and dancing background, so I use this knowledge to create my performances.

Have you ever taught drag? Or taken a class?

I’ve never been a formal drag teacher. I’ve been a drag student, and I have been through my own process of drag creation. Working alongside other people is quite challenging, but it’s necessary to develop as a drag performer. I’m autistic, so I do have an attraction to working alone. The problem with this strategy is that you learn much less and limit your personal experience. So it is important to make the effort of finding and nurturing a drag community.

About building a character: it’s always easier if you find something that is part of your own personality to build the first stem of your drag. Starting a drag persona by the details is like starting a tree by its leaves; they won’t have any support to grow. Having chosen the part of your personality that you want to start with, close your eyes and visualize: what’s the energy of this character? Is it more elegant or more playful? Maybe clown-like? Could it be provocative? Seductive? Or dark and weird?

The possibilities are endless. I think it’s better to dress an emotionally formed character than choose the clothes first and try faking a personality so it matches the clothes. Being nervous when you start performing, in general, is natural. So breathe. Do your personal rituals that make you feel safe and secure. Be sure you know what you are going to do on stage. A little preparation is needed, but relax if you are still nervous (yes, it’s contradictory), because being calm in the spotlight comes from time and experience. Failing is as important as succeeding for an artist’s development.

What items would you add in your “first-year-of-drag toolkit”?

It depends a lot on the style of drag the person intends to do, but a basic makeup kit is essential, because even if you want to do a more neutral face, stage lights make you look pale if you actually have nothing on.

When you know the general route you are going for with your drag, find a very comfortable shoe that goes with the vibe. Neutral colors go easier with different looks. Think that you will be starting your drag journey. This means you will have a lot to get used to, so choose comfortable outfits in the first year. Crazy corsets and super high heels can wait till you get a little used to this new context. Other things like wigs, props, or musical instruments will depend a lot on what kind of performance you are planning.

What is your social media handle? ig: @ianpooka

Esteban dela Rosa

When did you first start performing drag and what is your drag name?

I started doing drag in July 2023. My king name is Esteban dela Rosa.

What does drag mean to you?

Drag is a transgression. It is looking at the way we organize ourselves as a community and questioning the standards, the forms, and the behaviors of what is or is not acceptable to be/exist.

How does drag align with your gender expression inside and outside of performing?

I see the relationship between drag and gender as if drag were the hyperbole of gender. Gender is a prosthetic social convention that can be hidden with binders or highlighted with packers. Just put glitter on top and it becomes drag.

What advice would you give to anyone who wants to perform in drag but is nervous to start?

One piece of advice I have is that even if you don’t think you’re doing drag, you actually are… all the time. Our world assigns meaning to everything. The clothes you wear and the way you speak already communicate something, whether you want it to or not. We’re all dressed up all the time. Just start small by playing with this costume. Like for example, a piece of clothing that you love, but maybe think is too extravagant for a given occasion. Wear it, and allow yourself to feel Babylonian.

Do you make your own outfits? Do you work with a team to create your performance?

I sew my own looks and choreograph my own performances. Up until now, it has always been a very individual creative process, but now I am in a collective which has allowed me to receive improvements from my fellow kings.

Have you taken any drag classes?

I’ve already taken drag classes, but I’m still too new to the world to pass on my knowledge. I had experience in an 8-month LGBT theater and performance workshop—when I first dressed up with my drag mother—and then I took a drag king workshop. The king community is very different from the queen community. I think we’re always open to sharing knowledge and improving each other without so much rivalry (of course it exists, but it’s not the rule). I think that’s one of the coolest things about the micro-community of Brazilian drag kings: you can exchange a lot of tips.

What items would you add in your “first-year-of-drag toolkit”?

Every manly man needs a good, well-rounded toolkit. For the first year, I would recommend courage, patience, and masking tape (nothing in drag is done without tape).

Felipinho Horse

How did you start getting into drag?

I started doing Felipinho Horse during the pandemic, in 2021. The first time I performed was online.

What does drag mean to you?

It means playing with gender definitions, confusing them, and exposing cis masculinities in a ridiculous and laughable way.

How does drag align with your gender expression inside and outside of performing?

I’m a desfem* Dyke, so in my daily life I wear clothes that are considered masculine. When I perform Felipe, it’s clear that gender oppression is very much based on appearances. Felipe can dress however he wants and say whatever he wants. He’s super conscious. Felipe doesn’t share any of my insecurities, no matter how clueless he is.

What advice would you give to anyone who wants to perform in drag but is nervous to start?

Courage, leave judgments aside, and allow yourself to play.

Do you make your own outfits? Do you work with a team to create your performance?

I do everything myself, because the idea behind my drag is to be rough [DIY], so everything he does is kind of poorly done, lol.

What items would you add in your “first-year of drag toolkit”?

Mascara (I use it to make a mustache, goatee, and chest hair), dark brown eyeshadow (to thicken the eyebrows), Felipe’s official cap (it’s black), silver Nike shorts (because he’s rich, even though he thinks he’s from the hood), and an open vest/shirt.

What is your social media handle? ig: @M_batalha_

*desfem is a term used in Brazil that basically means “defeminized,” or not conforming to feminine socialized standards

Donizete Mangalarga

When did you first start performing drag and what is your drag name?

I started doing drag in 2023. My drag name is Donizete Mangalarga.

What does drag mean to you?

It means freedom of expression. With drag, I feel comfortable with who I am and I can use this art to make light of the oppressions that affect the LGBTQIAPN+ community. In addition, I have a lot of fun doing drag.

How does drag align with your gender expression inside and outside of performing?

Doni is a cis man, and I am a cis woman. I feel that the alignment could be in the fact that we are cis, but he also represents the unshakable self-esteem of the cis(tem). And as a cis woman, I feel that I am far from what Donizete is…

What advice would you give to anyone who wants to perform in drag but is nervous to start?

In the fight for gender diversity, being on stage is just another way to continue on this path. An artistic and necessary form.

Do you make your own outfits?

When I first put together my drag, I had the help of people from the theater to coach me with the look and makeup. Today, I no longer have that help, but I haven’t made any major changes to my drag since then.

Anything you want to share about working alongside other people, the drag community, character building, gender expression, or performance?

I am an actress and a clown. That influenced my drag. I come from Minas Gerais/Goiás and that also influenced my drag; I like the songs he dubs and that also influenced my drag. I don’t think the process has to be the same for everyone, but I understand that drag starts from a feeling that can seem invisible but somehow moves us. I didn’t take drag classes, I got to my drag through improvisation rehearsals with another clown, and one day Donizete was born. And then, we started to refine it better based on my desires and artistic vision.

What items would you add in your “first-year-of-drag toolkit”?

Elixir of confidence and not breaking character, lol. I feel that in my first year of drag, I ended up losing myself when I was dressed and I showed a lot of insecurity. I still feel that way, but less so. I work to make it less and less so that it disappears over time. It’s a process that I take with me when I’m on stage: if you try to not be ridiculous, you will fail. It’s better to embrace your ridiculousness.

What is your social media handle? ig: @sarahreioli.

Welcome to the Fruitslice Drag Directory, a living archive that celebrates drag performers across the world. In the process of creating this directory, our team aims to showcase what we already know to be true: drag is everywhere.

We are all constantly performing within the bounds of societal expectations, whether or not we are conscious of it. By making these performances explicitly visible, drag reveals how arbitrary and fluid gender roles and other norms truly are. Performers offer both a critique of social structures and a celebration of the power to define ourselves. Drag is an act of radical transparency, exposing the artifice of everyday life, a reminder that what we consider “normal” is no more authentic than what happens on a drag stage. The ways we dress, act, and engage with societal expectations are all guided by implicit rules about what is acceptable or expected. Drag, by Queering societal norms, doesn’t just reflect these constructs—it challenges them, inviting us to rethink how we perform our identities and where we find belonging in a world that enforces rigid gender roles.

Through this project, we want to highlight the importance of Queer culture in places often overlooked and emphasize that Queer communities thrive everywhere—challenging the cultural narratives that often marginalize or stigmatize Queer communities.

We want to reclaim space for Queer culture in places where it’s often ignored or suppressed. Calling attention to the power of visibility, Lesbian pop icon Chappell Roan recently said, “A lot of people don’t even know that they have local drag queens or that drag happens in their town or they’ve never seen a drag show.” In the face of drag bans and anti-LGBTQ+ legislation, especially in more rural or conservative areas, the visibility of drag performers is an act of resilience.

Queer communities and drag performers actively reshape the spaces they inhabit, often under immense pressure, and their survival is an act of courage and transformation. Drag contributes to the broader cultural landscape, enriching every community it touches.

Fruitslice Drag Directory is both a guide and a celebration. It is our way of putting theory into practice. It signals that Queer life exists everywhere— defiantly, beautifully, and boldly—and that drag, as an art form, not only entertains but also liberates and reclaims spaces that might otherwise feel hostile to Queer expression. With this directory, we hope to contribute to the unfolding future of Queer life in all its forms, across all geographies.

At Fruitslice, we believe in the importance of mapping these hidden yet powerful networks. This directory is part of a larger effort to create a sense of belonging for those who may feel isolated in regions with fewer visible Queer resources. By recognizing and archiving Queer life in these spaces, we participate in José Esteban Muñoz’s vision of Queer futurity—where Queer existence not only survives the present but actively builds toward a future that resists erasure.

Fruitslice celebrates the drag performers who you might not find on Drag Race, but instead those tearing up parties and events in their local communities. Help us support our local drag performers who could always use some tips/donations to keep their work (or wigs)!

Follow them on their socials or donate to their @venmo/$cashapp. Always remember, Drag is not a crime!

Fruitslice Drag Directory

Alaska

Pyx Elated ..............................................................Anchorage, AK

they/them | @x.pyx.elated.x | Tips: @pyxelated

Pyx Elated draws upon the ideas of limitless imagination and the power of connection. Pyx Elated is an Alaska-based, disabled, neurodivergent, and Nonbinary performer who matches wit and whimsy with the emotional and thought-provoking. They are the current Emprex 51 of the Imperial Court of All Alaska, as well as a mental health and disability advocate.

Arizona

Freddy Prinze Charming ................................................

Phoenix, AZ

he/him | @freddypcharming | Tips: @freddypcharming / $freddypcharming

Freddy Prinze Charming has been entertaining audiences since 2005. An award-winning drag artist, producer, and emcee, he’s performed around the country, garnered dozens of awards and accolades, and is the co-host of Arizona’s longest running drag livestream Let’s Have a Fefe, which has been streaming for more than a decade. Freddy also proudly produces shows at Phoenix Fan Fusion and Wild Wild West Con, two of Arizona’s biggest conventions.

Piranha ...................................................................... Tuscon, AZ

she/they | @piranha_queen & @tarpqueens | Tips: @piranha_queen

Piranha creates and embodies a radical, Transsexual, maximalist bizarro world full of giant neon muscle ladies, cutesy fascist-eating monsters, and psychedelic anime girls. Their mediums include illustration, collage, painting, jewelry, clothing, sculpture, puppets, plushes, parties, general freak shit, and drag. They have done work as an art program facilitator, workshop host, professional sex educator, visual artist, and drag artist in Tucson, Arizona, for many years. They are a ferociously Queer, neurodivergent, and Disabled full-time artist and freak show.

Arkansas

Taylor Madison Monroe ........................................... Fayetteville, AR

he/him | fb: Taylor Madison Monroe | Tips: $taylormadisonmonroe

Taylor Madison Monroe is a 22-year veteran of drag, show director at C4 Nightclub and Lounge, and Waystone Pizza. He is a senior cast member at the legendary Discovery Nightclub.

Abs Hart ................................................................ Little Rock, AR

he/him | @abs.hart & fb: Abs Hart | Tips: @AbsXHart / $AbsXHart

Abs Hart has been entertaining audiences since 2010. He has held the titles of Mister USofA Michigan 2016, was the first Mr. Trans USA in 2019, and as of 2024, is one of the few Trans men to have competed for Mr. Gay America. Abs has performed in many states across the country. He also focuses on advocating for Trans rights, speaking at rallies, and living his life loudly as a Trans man to provide hope and inspiration for other Trans and Queer folks.

AndroGene FranCis’ Fatale ......................................... Little Rock, AR they/them | @Androgene.fatale | Tips: $mizzminniemoo

AndroGene FranCis’ Fatale uses their art to process trauma and explore gender identity. Through drag, they have discovered strength and power. Influenced by research in their undergraduate degree, they recreate costumes from the ‘20s and ‘30s, using iconography and story to portray the “fatal/dangerous” energy often associated with women. As a Nonbinary individual, they play with gender to create even more powerful performances; as a chronically-ill/disabled individual, they create visibility for others who struggle with these things.

GAGE ....................................................................

she/they/he | @thejustgage | Tips: @thejustgage / $thejustgage

Little Rock, AR

GAGE is the screeching creature of Central Arkansas. They can be found on the first Friday of every month at her show, HEY GHOUL at EJ’s Eats and Drinks in downtown Little Rock!

Kitty Kouture .........................................................

Little Rock, AR

she/her | @Thatkittygrrrl | Tips: @TheKittyKouture / $TheKittyKouture

Kitty Kouture was raised in the South with a penchant for the stage. She has always enjoyed entertaining people through acting, singing, and dancing.

California

Bladde ....................................................................... Fresno, CA

he/him | @thee_bladde

Bladde is a drag artist and filmmaker. Known as “thee shapeshifting demon,” Bladde is a punk rock performer with a touch of pop it girl flare. He produces his own shows and filmwork. His film Lacuna has a five-star rating on letterboxd and is available to watch on youtube.

Maxine On Tv! .......................................................

Los Angeles, CA

she/her | @maxineontv | Tips: @maxineontv

Maxine is a Hollywood starlet on the rise. She’s a mix of old and new with an affinity for drama. Whether you see her on the TV or the stage, Maxine is surely stealing the show!

Nova Necrophiliac...................................................

any pronouns | @novanecrophiliac | Tips: @ZachAllsbrook

Los Angeles, CA

Nova Necrophiliac is the passionate, punky, Power Rangers supervillain that haunts West Hollywood! Their drag is all about throwing away expectations and spreading their fun and bizarre creations. They’re not your stereotypical drag performer, as they get inspiration from all things horror, anime, kaiju, camp, and eccentric! They’ve been doing drag for two years and still haven’t found a soul that comes close to what they’re capable of (thank god!).

Spacee Kadett ....................................................... Los Angeles, CA he/him | @spaceekadett | Tips: @spaceekadett/ $spaceek

Spacee Kadett was hatched in Detroit, Michigan. He is a drag king who has performed across the US and in Canada since 2009. Spacee’s campy, comical drag includes character impersonations, live singing, lip-syncing, dance, cosplay, and even the occasional clarinet solo. Spacee is also a stand-up comedian and emcee, as well as a pageant king who has held multiple titles, most notably National Entertainer of the Year King (2011, Louisville, Kentucky). He is currently based in Los Angeles.

Papi Churro ................................................................Oakland, CA

he/they | @soypapichurro & @papijinxy | Tips: @citywolf27/ $soypapichurro

Papi Churro is an Oakland based, Two-Spirit drag king and cultural preservationist from Coahuiltecan and Nahua-Otomi heritage. When he’s not fighting for Indigenous Peoples’ causes and the world’s injustices, he’s invoking his Divine Masculine energy and lighting stages on fire. He’s the current reigning High King Supreme 2023 for Seattle’s Emerald City Kings Ball, Mx. Mosswood Meltdown, and first runner-up for the California Gold Pageant.

Florgasm ................................................................... Oroville, CA

they/he | @flor__gasm & @gardenkaleidescopia | Tips: @florvalentin / $florvalentin Florgasm is a small town drag creature who travels from stage to street all across California to showcase their transformative and kaleidoscopic drag, burlesque, and live music as a Queer, Transgender, and Genderfluid Latinx artist. Hosting a monthly Queer and Kinky Variety Show once a month in Sacramento as the Drag Mami of Haus Garden Kaleidescopia, Florgasm not only performs in their handmade costumes and as creative concept characters, but builds community in smaller towns with other up-and-coming drag artists, and helps raise money for Palestinians.

Todd Hotty ......................................................... San Francisco, CA

he/they | @todd.hotty & @hausofhotty & @zodiac.wednesdays | Tips: @Todd-Hotty

Todd is a blend of human and hotty, and has been spicing the tea since 2006, when he started professional drag as a member of the Little City Kings in Reno, Nevada. Since then, Todd has been setting hearts ablaze with his electrifying performances, podcasts, and beyond throughout northern California and Nevada. Invested as an Imperial Crown Prince of San Francisco in 2023, Todd is also the proud founder of the Haus of Hotty. Todd believes that you have to love the many versions of yourself so that you can love others! Stay tuned for Todd’s next showcase.

The Hardwoods .......................................................... San Jose, CA they/she | @TheHardwoods.Drag | Tips: @JasperRedwood

The Hardwoods are a drag king boy band based out of San Jose, California. This three-piece group uses the power of friendship, drag, and their love of all things weird to entertain the San Francisco Bay Area.

Jasper Redwood ......................................................... San Jose, CA

they/she | @Jasper.Redwood | Tips: @JasperRedwood

Jasper Redwood is a Nonbinary, neurospicy drag performer entertaining the San Francisco Bay Area. They are the resident drag king and assistant producer for Circus of Sin, a burlesque/drag/ variety show. They are also a member of the drag king boy band, The Hardwoods.

King SlayHer.............................................................. San Jose, CA

he/him | @KingxSlayHer | Tips: @kingxslayher

King SlayHer, also known as the Lover Boy of Drag, is a Bay Area drag king who holds three titles including 2023 Closet Ball King, Mr. Splash 2024, and California’s Male Impersonator Pageant King. During each and every performance King SlayHer leaves his heart on the stage and is guaranteed to walk away with yours.

Justyn Caze ......................................................... West Covina, CA

he/him | @justyncaze | Tips: @aljruiz86

Justyn Caze is the Imperial Crown Prince Royale of the Imperial Court of Los Angeles and Hollywood Reign 54 as well as Secretary of the Board of Directors. He’s been performing since October of 2020 via streaming and in person as of June 2021 around Southern California. He joins forces with local non-profits including Pomona Valley Pride and SGVLGBTQ Center to break down barriers and show the world what drag is all about.

Potted Plant ....................................... Colorado Springs & Denver, CO

they/she | @queeninapot | Tips: @yattent

Potted Plant is the “Comedy Queen of Colorado Springs” and a Club Q shooting survivor who uses comedy and song to inspire smiles in the audience. Colorado

Weird Al Spankabitch .....................................

Denver & Thornton, CO

he/they | @weirdalsdrag & fb: Story Alnite | Tips: @weirdalspankabitch

Weird Al Spankabitch is campy, cutie, suspiciously majestic, and the pastel prince right out of your favorite anime. He is well known for his campy mixes, chaotic nature, and flamboyant attitude! Whether he’s on the mic or on the stage, you aren’t quite sure what’s going to happen next.

Krisa Gonna .......................................................... Fort Collins, CO

she/her | @krisagonna | Tips: @krisagonna

Krisa Gonna has been taking Colorado by storm with her artistry full of storytelling, dance, creativity, and wit. Besides giving a TEDx Talk, the Brazilian Goddess has helped foster the NoCo drag scene since 2020, including the first beginner drag competition in the region. In 2021, she released the animated short From Shame to Pride, which was selected for multiple international movie festivals. Krisa has represented NoCo at Denver PrideFest the last three years, and did a mini tour in Italy and Brazil. As of December 2023, she ventured into theatre as the writer/ director of A Drag Christmas Spectacular.

Connecticut

Glass Staine ............................................................. Hartford, CT she/her (drag), he/him | @glassstaine | Tips: @GlassStaine / $GlassStaine

Glass Staine has spent nine years performing drag. She has become a staple in the Connecticut scene for her striking image and avant-garde, risqué performances. Never afraid to step outside of the box, Glass is a provocateur, lover of all things explicit, and a figurehead of the alternative drag scene.

District

of Columbia

Godiva

Sterling ................................................

District of Columbia

she/her | @Godiva_Sterling | Tips: @Haitian-Doll / $HaitianKw33n

Godiva Sterling is the youngest daughter of the Sterling Dynasty and a fierce performer backed by years of theatre training. She is dramatic, theatrical, fashionable, bold, and most of all, fabulous! She is a recent winner of Martini’s Lip Sync Competition, Euphoria’s Runway Competition, and background dancer for the former Mr. Capital Pride DC 2023 (Xavier Sterling). She recently won Miss Scorpio at Freddie’s Beach Bar as part of Mr, Miss, Mx. Freddie’s Zodiac 2024. You may have last seen her at Rocheny Pricien’s Chocolatey 25th Birthday Ball or starring in the one woman show What Did 2022 Do to You?! She looks forward to performing all around the DMV all 2024!

Hairy

Poodini District of Columbia

they/he | @hairypoodini | Tips: @KLitteer / $HairyPoodini

Hairy Poodini likes to pretend he’s the bad boi your parents warned you about, but in reality he’s your gunkle who really puts the art in fart. After many gender-bent roles on the theatrical stage, the year 2023 and Pretty Boi Drag birthed this absolute menace/himbo that knows too much. You can find him both on and off stage, putting that BA in Theatre Arts and a concentration in stage management to werk.

Johnny Alucard ................................................

he/him | @heyitsjohnnyalucard | Tips: @HeyItsJohnnyAlucard

District

of Columbia

Johnny Alucard is the winner of season five of DuPont Dynasty at DIK Bar in Washington, D.C., and the winner of the 2023 Spookiest Ghoul Pageant at Red Bear Brewing in Washington, D.C. Johnny is the Vampire King of DC, and is an alternative drag performer who loves cosplay and theatrics. You’ll never know what Johnny has up his sleeve (sometimes quite literally). Fresh out of the coffin, Johnny just celebrated one year as a drag performer in March of 2024.

District of Columbia

Neuro Cosmos .................................................. District of Columbia

he/they | @neuroqueercosmos | Tips: @NeuroCosmos / $NeuroCosmos

Neuro Cosmos is the Flaming Drag Autist of D.C., here to neuroqueer our universe. He is a gloriously autistic Transmasc Jewish drag king here to tell stories of liberatory disabled Trans futures. They are the producer and host of Disabled Delight, D.C.’s first openly all-disabled drag show. He is also the co-producer/co-host of the D.C. Hanukkah drag show Festival of Lights. Their dancing is rooted in their stims, or stim-dance, as a way to reflect how their autistic identity is inseparable from their full self. He dreams of a world where we revel in our disabled Trans beauty, filled with the joy of flourishing exactly as we are.

Delaware

Sauvage .......................................................................

he/him | @Sauvagedrag & fb: Sauvage | Tips: @sauvagedrag

Dover, DE

Sauvage is your international, aerial drag king. He is a Queer Trans man who originally fell in love with drag three years ago in Germany, and produced shows alongside his family The Monarchy of RoyalTea before relocating to Delaware. Whether he is upside down on the pole or showing off his splits on the floor, Sauvage straddles the spectrums of gender and sexuality, and always ensures his audience’s thirst is sufficiently quenched. He can be found at Bar XIII every first Sunday for Sinful Sunday Drag and Burlesque.

Florida

Goblin Babe .............................................................

Pensacola, FL

he/they | @thedragkinggoblinbabe | Tips: @thegoblinbabe / $thegoblinbabe Goblin Babe, known as the Heart Throb of Pensacola, is one of three established drag kings in their area. They recently started their own show with their friend and AFAB queen @hannabiotic through Sapphic Stage. They aim to give sapphics a safe space. They competed in Gulf Coast Drag Race. He gets inspiration from 80s movies and rock stars like David Bowie in Labyrinth. Catch them in Los Angeles at the start of the new year!

Ground Zero ................................................... West Palm Beach, FL

he/him | @GroundZeroKing | Tips: @GroundZeroKing / $GroundZeroKing

Ground Zero is a Transgender (FtM), Latinx variety entertainer located in Palm Beach, Florida. Dubbed locally as the Cosplay King, and crowned Mr. Palm Beach Pride 2024, when he performs he brings an explosive wildfire of theatrical proportions to stage. His performances feature inclusions of circus arts, from slight of hand to fire and flow, that captivate audiences. He utilizes his art form to connect with his community by working with local nonprofits, such as Inspire Recovery and Compass. After a performance...this explosive stick of dynamite is sure to make your heart Ground Zero.

Georgia

Felidae ................................................. Athens & Lawrenceville, GA

she/they | @felidae_fyre | Tips: $Fallon393

Felidae is in their first year of being drag royalty. They are a dance-heavy performer who can also perform using ASL for Deaf/HOH audiences. They especially love representing Black artists and Black joy.

Lucy Dreams .............................................................. Augusta, GA they/them | @iamlucydreams | Tips: $thirdeyeliner

Lucy Dreams is the shapeshifting drag chameleon of the South.

Trashbarbie420 ...........................................................

Augusta, GA

they/them | @trashbarbie420 | Tips: $hairbythesea

Trashbarbie420 is America’s next top cult leader on a mission for justice and love.

Idaho

Buck D’Licious ................................................................

they/them | @buckdeliciousthedragthing | Tips: $natashainboise

Boise, ID

Buck D’Licious is a drag thing, pole dancer, producer, accessibility advocate, and multimedia artist based in Boise, Idaho. They’re Boise’s Reigning Drag Superstar, the first drag thing to win a combined competition of kings, queens, and things. They’re the executive producer of Haunted Happenings with Tony and Vera, a radio show highlighting drag and burlesque in the Boise community. Buck is the director and founding member of The Gendertainers and co-founded the Idaho Sensory Support Collective. Buck has performed on stages across Idaho and the northwest. When they’re not performing, you can catch them practicing at Ascension Pole and Dance.

Harley Innocent Beautè..................................................... Boise, ID

she/they | @Harleyinnocent13 & fb: Harley Innocent | Tips: @HarleyInnocent

Harley Innocent Beautè is The R.E.B.E.L Child, Mx. Gay Idaho 40, Enprex 46 of the Imperial Sovereign Gem Court of Idaho, and American Nude Icon 2024. If you’re looking for trouble, look no further!

Illinois

Bubba Boom ................................................................ Chicago, IL he/him | @bubbaboomdrag | Tips: @bubbaboomdrag

Bubba Boom is the Queer hero of the heartland. Bubba Boom hails from the back 40 and is coming to blow up the stage. With a bedazzled beard that sparkles like a disco ball, Bubba rocks the barn and struts the runway, cultivating love and laughter wherever his tractor takes him, leaving a trail of rainbows and sparkles in his wake. Get ready to hold his beer and watch the fireworks!

Harry Ola ................................................................... Chicago, IL

they/them | @your_harry_ola

Harry Ola hails from down your shirt, he’s your Harry Ola!

Mama Bare .................................................................. Chicago, IL

he/she/they | @mamabare07 & @inthistogethershow | Tips: @mamabare07

Mama Bare is a singer based out of Chicago, Illinois. They started their own show at Ten Cat Tavern which is every Sunday at 3:30 p.m. Mama Bare has a Bachelor’s in Music from a Lutheran university and a Master’s in Human Communication from ASU. They are the booking manager for Drag and Spirituality Summit, which will be held in Toronto, Canada, this November. Singing live is their number one passion, whether it’s classical, musical theatre, pop, or R&B. You can catch them performing with the Chicago Gay Men’s Chorus this upcoming December.

Monsieur Bombastic ...................................................... Chicago, IL

he/him | @monsieurbombastic | Tips: @wurmiv

Monsieur Bombastic is a harlequin king whose taste for extravagance sends him well over his head! A shapeshifter first, clown second, and overall thirsty demon, this draglesque artist has been teasing, lip-syncing, and creeping all across Chicago. He performs for high conceptual art venues, grungy DIY spaces, and glamorous stages of all kinds. His style is most interested in capturing erotic qualities from a bodily and transformative level—from Transness to sexuality. Monsieur is the co-producer of All King Open Cabaret at The Newport Theater and a Survivor Chicago finalist in seasons 16 and 18 of the competition.

Mx. Avery Knight .......................................................... Chicago, IL

he/they | @mxaveryknight | Tips: @mxaveryknight

Mx. Avery Knight is a draglesque king who is known for costumes, theatrics, and telling stories through their lens as a Trans person. They are proudly fat, disabled, Trans masc, Native, and are grateful to be able to represent their communities!

Ruebella Sashshay ........................................................ Chicago, IL

he/him, she/her | @ruebella_sashshay | Tips: @Ruebella_Sashshay

Ruebella Sashshay, Miss 1, 2, 3! is the Sparkle Queen of Chicago. Mother season two winner, Ruebella is known to turn a look, but make it camp Don’t cha knooooowwww.

Spade Slick ................................................................. Chicago, IL they/them | @rubberrhys & @spadeslick | Tips: @spadeslick / $spadeslickk

Spade Slick is the ace in your deck! He’s a man that likes murder, party rockin, and long walks on the beach. He can’t wait to take you to his favorite place: his parents’ house!

Sobby The Clown .............................................................. Elgin, IL she/her | @sobbytheclown | Tips: @Sobbytheclown

Sobby The Clown is Elgin’s hottest cryptid! Winner of Elgin Fringe Fest’s “Best Performer, 2022,” Sobby sold out two nights of her award winning Sad Clown Drag and Burlesque show, Reject Sense, Embrace Silly. Sobby can be spotted at local charity galas, fundraisers, and other community events! Sobby was super proud to don her finest Pansexual colors as a Grand Marshall at Elgin’s second annual Pride parade! Her tagline of “Sexy, Sad, Stupid” sums up her performance choices. Expect food, trampolines, titty tassels, and confetti all set to Queer punk music. She will make you laugh until you cry along with her!

Maine

HoneyDo Felon ............................................................. Orono, ME

they/them | @honey_do_felon | Tips: @Honey do Felon

Mx. HoneyDo is an amalgamation of mutated tulpas—a cosmic-camp, fat-cat, Queerdo drag thing. They love to cuddle, perch on the largest rocks at the side of estuaries, behold lightning, and start fires. They are more of a space than a person and can be found nowhere. They were raised on banana milk and radishes, and have enjoyed three concussions (that they can remember).

Maryland

Bratz LaVey.............................................................

Baltimore, MD

she/her | @xxbratz.laveyxx | Tips: @Vvenus3x3

Bratz LaVey is the doll your mom wouldn’t let you play with as a child, and rightfully so. She is in the intersection between modern alternative drag and traditional glamourous drag. You can catch her at her show Monthly Show Monster Ménagerie, but honestly you can find her wherever they’ll have her, lol.

Daddy Bacchus ......................................................... Baltimore, MD

they/them | @daddy_bacchus | Tips: @chrisblitz / $wiblitz

Daddy Bacchus is a Baltimore-based drag king and performance artist. They are also the founder of the noise music project Absurdity Index.

Hairy Poodini ...........................................................

they/he | @hairypoodini | Tips: @KLitteer / $HairyPoodini

Baltimore, MD

Hairy Poodini likes to pretend he’s the bad boi your parents warned you about, but in reality he’s your gunkle who really puts the art in fart. After many gender-bent roles on the theatrical stage, the year 2023 and Pretty Boi Drag birthed this absolute menace/himbo that knows too much. You can find him both on and off stage, putting that BA in Theatre Arts and a concentration in stage management to werk.

Hazel ....................................................................

they/he | @hazelthebrat | Tips: @hazelthebrat / $hazeldereon

Baltimore, MD

Hazel is a Nonbinary Trans masc BIPOC drag artist in the DMV area. As a drag performer of six years, they have won the title of Baltimore’s Best Gender Non-Conforming Performer in 2022 and 2023. Hazel uses their platform to promote self love for all bodies and Trans rights.

Icky Sticky ..............................................................

Baltimore, MD

they/them | @_ickysticky_ | Tips: @jaxindrag

Icky Sticky is a Genderfluid drag king born and raised in a small town in North Carolina, known by the map as Asheboro (but known by locals as “Trashboro”). Now based in Baltimore, Icky has performed in a variety of venues including The Crown, The Club Car, Le Mondo, and Lost N Found. Icky’s acts are guaranteed to spread Queer joy and the magic of silliness. They are half-clown, half-redneck, and 100% HOT mess.

Ivanna Peessa ..........................................................

she/they | @ivannapeessa | Tips: @ivannapeessa / $ivannapeessa

Baltimore, MD

Ivanna Peessa is from Camp Wannakiki season six. She’s Baltimore’s cheesiest camp queen bringing a mix of old and new school drag.

Juniper Gin ............................................................. Baltimore, MD

they/any pronouns | @junipergin_drag | Tips: @JuniGin / $JuniGin

Juniper Gin is a multi-talented, twice-crowned drag chameleon hailing from Baltimore, Maryland. This queen, king, and occasional creature got their start in online drag four years ago, before gracing the stages of Baltimore in 2021 and then D.C. in 2022. Now, they’re producing their own shows and aiming to create spaces for the next generation of Queer youth!

Lord Hardquaad ....................................................... Baltimore, MD

he/him | @lorde_hardquaad | Tips: $lordhardquaad

Lord Hardquaad, the tiniest of kings, is Baltimore-based. He loves gender f*ckery, gold-collared shirts, and lives for the dramatics. Don’t let his small shoes fool you, the vibes with this king are huge.

MANIC.................................................................... Baltimore, MD

they/he | @Man_ick_drag | Tips: @OMALLEYMANIC

MANIC is a Trans DRAGster dedicated to gender deviance, divinity, and violent JOY. So strap in, strap on, and prepare yourselves for this wildly deranged clown show

Orion Ridgely ..........................................

Baltimore & Columbia, MD

they/them | @orionridgely | Tips: @orionridgely / $orionridgely

Orion Ridgely is a dynamic Nonbinary performer and drag king who has entertained and inspired audiences across Maryland and D.C. since April 2023, when they made their debut with Pretty Boi Drag. Whether they’re spreading messages of Trans empowerment at a family-friendly Pride event, or getting down and dirty at local Queer bars, they ALWAYS leave smiles on peoples’ faces.

Tha True Original Gata ............................................... Baltimore, MD

she/her | @ moniquegatadupree | Tips: @thaoriginalgata / $mrsmoniquethomas

Tha True Original Gata aka Monique Dupree is a scream queen, wrestler, and cosplayer born from practices of burlesque, drag, and belly dance. She has taken part in over 100 horror projects, was named in Playboy’s list of “Sexiest Scream Queens of All Time,” and has been a staple of wrestling promotion for TNA. Gata is notorious for performing her “blood dance.” She married her love of film and burlesque to bring her authenticity to the craft.

Massachusetts

Jean Sequins ...............................................................

Boston, MA

he/him | @jean.sequins | Tips: @JeanSequins

DJ Dr. Rabbi Jean Sequins is the hot professor you had a crush on in undergrad. He’s a tenured professor of Genetics, Anthropology, and Gender Studies with very well-attended office hours. Your grade point average isn’t the only thing he’ll be getting up this semester. He’s also the faculty advisor* (*leader and founder) of Boston’s only active Jewish drag company, Ain’t Mitzvahavin’, a troupe centering Jewish Joy, community, and resilience in their consistently sold out shows.

Slick O’Connell ............................................................

Boston, MA

they/he | @slickoconnell | Tips: $SlickOConnell

Slick O’Connell is a once and future drag thing. Performing in and around the Boston area, they delight and tempt their audiences and followers with delicious tastes of perverse Queer nonsense. You can find Slick online at @slickoconnell for a somewhat questionable social media experience or live onstage putting miscellaneous things into his mouth and the mouths of those around them.

Scarlett Strauss ...................................................

she/her | @Scarlett.Strauss | Tips: @scarlettstrauss

Provincetown, MA

Scarlett Strauss, born in Salem, Massachusetts, is a year-round performer in Provincetown. From singing, choreography, event coordination, and event hosting, to lighting and sound, she does it all! Catch her all over P-town, but especially performing in her weekly Dine n Drag show every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 1 and 3 p.m.

Whatcha MacCallit ...............................................

Provincetown, MA it/they | @callitmac | Tips: @callitmac / $callitmac

Whatcha MacCallit is a clowny drag thing from Provincetown, but often appears in Boston and Providence. “Mac” got its start in drag as a street activist, and has carried a political edge through many of its performances, though they also love just being silly, sexy, and a little scary. A loyal customer of the craft store clearance sections, Whatcha MacCallit often takes inspiration from materials, earning its name with intricate looks that may be difficult to define but are nonetheless fascinating to behold. There’s no one else in the world who looks quite like Whatcha MacCallit.

Michigan

Virgil Ciel .................................................................... Wixom, MI

he/him | @virgilciel | Tips: @Michelle-Blumenau

Virgil Ciel is an androgynous, half-angel, half-demon, goth punk drag king. He made his debut in March 2024 at Gigi’s. Since then, he has performed at venues like Regal Beagle and Tap Room. Virgil has had the honor to perform at Ferndale Pride, Ann Arbor Pride, and received numerous accolades for performances, including second Alt at the Ms.ter Gigi’s Drag King Contest and first place at the War on Werq Wednesday Grand Finale. Virgil hopes to continue exploring and experimenting in his drag journey while aiming to spread messages of self-love and acceptance.

Grayson Adamy ..........................................................

Ypsilanti, MI

he/him (all the time) | @fckgraysonadamy | Tips: @mordyshakes / $mordyshakes

Dr. Grayson Adamy-Vandecamp, M.D., is a Disabled, Trans drag king and activist with over a decade and a half of theatre and dance experience, nine years of self-taught special effects, prosthetics, and prop work across various mediums, and a lifetime of shitlord (complimentary) tendencies. As Michigan’s Dancing Demon Boy, he specializes in theatrical, high-energy, highcamp performances surrounding Disability, grief, mortality, and Trans joy as a form of resistance.

Minnesota

ari bun ......................................................................

Duluth, MN they/them | @ari._.bun | Tips: @ArisTaylor

ari bun is sticky, sweet, and all sorts of bad for you. They are the haunted sex doll you bought off ebay and now you’re getting sick of cleaning blood off the floors.

Barry D. Pressed ...................................................

Minneapolis, MN they/them |@nadiamarenamn | Tips: @nadiamarena

Barry D. Pressed is a Twin Cities-based drag king and burlesque performer (Nadi A’marena). Barry D. Pressed is most notably known for their Gollum impersonations and comically cringe characters.

Ivy LaVoix Principle ................................................ Minneapolis, MN she/her (drag), he/him |@ivylavoix & @ Ivy Michelle LaVoix | Tips: @QueenIvyLaVoix Ivy LaVoix Principle is the Twin Cities’ Vintage Vixen, bringing a taste of musical theatre, bygone fashions, and a healthy dose of comedy. Known for her classic flair, this powerhouse queen has stepped up to speak out for her community and has raised over $10,000 for LGBTQIA+ organizations and charities. Ivy is a former Miss Gay Capital City Iowa USofA and continues to compete for pageants to broaden her advocacy. When not performing, you can often find her at a piano, singing, reading Queer books, knitting, or playing cards with her family.

Xavier ................................................................

Minneapolis, MN

any pronouns |@dirtyboixavier & @draggedoutmn | Tips: @dirtyboixavier

Xavier has been performing drag, both nationally and throughout the Twin Cities area, since 2001, including for fundraisers for various Queer organizations and invidivuals. Known for his penchant for penguin tail tuxes, outlandish humor, and penetrating smolder, Xavier is the hunky half of the duo Nadi X and the producer of Dragged Out, one of the longest running drag king shows in the Midwest. Whether tickling your funny bone or tackling political themes, Xavier lives up to his tagline of being your Commander-in-Heat!

Missouri

Touretta Lynn ....................................................... Kansas City, MO they/them | @tourettalynn | Tips: @tourettalynn / $tictackc23

Touretta Lynn is a Nonbinary alternative drag entertainer from Kansas City, Missouri. They use their platform to educate people on Tourette’s Syndrome, as well as make Queer spaces more accessible to Disabled Queer individuals. Touretta also hosts GAGGED! at Sidekicks Saloon every second and fourth Friday of the month.

Montana

Phil Miup/Ms. Vi Brator................................................ Bozeman, MT

he/she, she/her (personal) | @freedomofdrag | Tips: @Sunfl0w3r2204

Phil Miup/Ms. Vi Brator (he/him in drag as Phil Miup, she/her in drag as Ms. Vi Brator) is a baby performer that’s double the trouble, bringing two personas to the stage. Be it hip pads or Trans tape, she’s sure to dazzle you with a performance you’ll never forget.

Rex Pistols ...............................................................

Bozeman, MT he/him | @rexpistolsdrag

Rex Pistols is the drag king to indulge your red-flag fantasies, from your friend’s hot poser older brother you shouldn’t have a crush on, to that Queer-coded web-toon villain protagonist you dream about.

Bironic ....................................................................

Missoula, MT he/they | @bironicdrag | Tips: @hotglueharlot

Bironic is a Montana-based drag jester that thinks drag is no joke. An employer of physical comedy, muddler of gender lines, and enjoyer of tight spaces, Bironic has been bringing creature fuckboy to the drag stage for a little over a year.

Cordelia Rose ...........................................................

Missoula, MT she/they | @Your_Majesty_Cordelia | Tips: @Jamie-Peterson-168

Cordelia Rose is a performer new to the scene who’s ready to make an impact. Wherever they go, Cordelia Rose brings opulent grace to the stage.

North Carolina

Liam Laughin ............................................................

Charlotte, NC he/him | @Liamlaughinofficial | Tips: @Liamlaughinofficial

Liam Laughin is a drag king described by his peers as ‘80s hair meets 18th-century dandy. Liam commands the stage with his powerful presence and knack for theatrics. His performances are a celebration of rebellion and sophistication, during which he makes every audience member the object of his affection, one smoldering glance at a time. Liam’s passion is teaching new drag artists how to be their best; he is the cofounder of the Crown Kings of Charlotte and was voted Charlotte’s favorite drag dad two years in a row. The winner of both Carolina Creepshow’s Ghoul Schoul season one and Mr. All Hallows’ Eve 2022, this king is ready to jump off the stage and into your heart.

Thigh Fieri ............................................................

Greensboro, NC

they/he | @thighxfieri | Tips: $thighxfieri

Thigh Fieri is the camp king of the North Carolina Triad. Thigh is the co-producer of Ignite the Stage Productions and DRAG.ETC in central North Carolina. They are known for their humorous twists on timeless classics and their boisterous laugh is easily overheard outside the venue. Thigh lives for bringing crafty and clever moments for their audience to indulge in. They invite you to come down to Flamertown, where everything is savory, silly, sexy, and satisfying.

David Blowie ...........................................................

he/they | @Kingdavidblowie | Tips: $mrdavidblowie

Greenville, NC

David Blowie is a drag king based out of Greenville, North Carolina, bringing spooky and campy performances to the stage. He occassionally dabbles in boylesque and tends to look taller in photos.

Clint Torris ................................................................. Raleigh, NC

he/they | @kingclinttorris & fb: Clint Torris | Tips: @kingclinttorris / $kingclinttorris

Clint Torris is a highly stimulating drag king with five years of experience. Through his performances, he breaks down the gender binary and finds new ways to make drag accessible to himself and others. Don’t overlook Clint Torris, he’s not that hard to find.

Mother Inc ...........................................................Rocky Mount, NC

she/her | @damotherinc | Tips: $Willowgurl

Mother Inc is a Black, Trans drag queen who combines theatrical acting and old school drag elements with a clowny twist. She began performing last year, has won several competitions, and has been booked throughout the state of North Carolina.

New Jersey

Aladdin Firm ......................................................... Asbury Park, NJ

they/he | @aladdinfirm & @thespacestationnyc | Tips: @tssnyc / $tssnyc

Aladdin Firm is a Martian of multiple talents. They are a former mentee of the late tap dance master Professor Robert L. Reed, a graduate of The American Academy of Dramatic Arts (the nation’s oldest acting academy), and of the New York School of Burlesque. Aladdin also holds the title of The Fresh Face of Drag 2022 in Asbury Park, New Jersey, is the lead singer of their band The Space Station, and serves as a resident performing artist for Moonlight Market on Long Island. They believe in the Queer liberating powers of sex, weed, rock and roll, and long, cunty nails.

Marlowe le Fay .............................................................

she/they | @marlowe_le_fay | Tips: @Marlowe_le_Fay

Delran, NJ

Marlowe le Fay is a Trans fairy queen based out of New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Marlowe’s aesthetic is ethereal, timeless, and beautiful. They love to emphasize the aspect of drag that allows you to shapeshift, choosing at different times to serve a cunty look, perform a ballad, or don something scarier. Marlowe’s main focus with their art is to make people feel entertained, affirmed, and happy. They also run a drag group for youth, ages 14-23, at Attic Youth Center in Philadelphia.

King Thighs .................................................................. Hazlet, NJ

he/they | @king.thighs | Tips: @king_thighs

King Thighs is a clown from New Jersey that’s strange in public for money. He’s a short king in tall shoes and he hates long walks on the beach. King performs in local competitions semi-regularly, and their upcoming performances can all be found through their instagram stories or posts.

Scud Missel ............................................................ Jersey City, NJ

he/him (drag) | @ScudMissel

Scud Missel is the two-time winner of the Daytona Freeway Race and the Florida Man of your dreams.

New

York

Noah Phence ................................................................

Ithaca, NY

she/her | @therealnoahphence | Tips: $noahphence

Noah Phence is Ithaca’s mean green drag queen. She’s a seamstress, and a not-so-jolly green giant that represents for all the T-girls, the big girls, and the BIPOC girls in her white ass community. She takes pride in her Samoan and Mexican heritage and does her best to bring that beauty forward into her drag.

New York

Aladdin Firm ......................................................

New York City, NY

they/he | @aladdinfirm & @thespacestationnyc | Tips: @tssnyc / $tssnyc

Aladdin Firm is a Martian of multiple talents. They are a former mentee of the late tap dance master Professor Robert L. Reed, a graduate of The American Academy of Dramatic Arts (the nation’s oldest acting academy), and of the New York School of Burlesque. Aladdin also holds the title of The Fresh Face of Drag 2022 in Asbury Park, New Jersey, is the lead singer of their band The Space Station, and serves as a resident performing artist for Moonlight Market on Long Island. They believe in the Queer liberating powers of sex, weed, rock and roll, and long, cunty nails.

G-Spot ..............................................................

New York City, NY

they/he/it | @6gspot | Tips: @Tip-G

G-Spot was born and raised in New York. As a radical Latinx punk, they bend the lines of gender and fuckery. This draglesque thing shows the power of storytelling through splits, tricks, and drama. They hit it every time, it’s G-Spot.

Lanyé Armon ......................................................

New York City, NY they/she/he | @LanyeArmon & @TheBigGirlz.NyC | Tips: $LanyeArmonNY

Lanyé Armon, The Ghetto Glamorous Diva of the Bronx, is a fierce performer who uses her talent to promote body positivity, address social issues, and delve into politics. She’s a mix of Jackee Harry, Cardi B, and Janet Jackson all rolled into one. Currently reigning as “Mx.Vaccine-O-Licious 24,” she passionately raises awareness about HIV/AIDS and the ongoing vaccine trials conducted by the Columbia Research Unit. They also collaborate with Project Achieve. A formidable presence on stage and a dedicated advocate for her community, she is a force to be reckoned with.

Lil Ronnie ..........................................................

New York City, NY he/him (drag), she/they | @lilxronnie | Tips: @lilronald / $speltz20

Lil Ronnie, winner of Sasha Belle’s Drag Race season eight and Mr. Studio 13, moved to New York to pursue performing. Ronnie has worked as an actor in NYC’s longest running immersive theatre experience, Accomplice The Show, and has been making a name for himself in the NYC drag scene.

Lori Lu ..............................................................

New York City, NY she/they | @lululandnyc & @lorystoryy | Tips: @tipLL

Lori Lu aka Gloria Sotelo is a Mexican immigrant, born and raised in Monterrey, Mexico. She’s an AFAB drag performer and host based in NYC whose drag is campy, witty, and funnily showcases her Mexican roots, while also poking fun at the immigrant experience. Lori Lu works during the day as a children’s Spanish teacher. She started the first Drag Story Hour in Mexico. She is one of the co-founders of Lululand, an up-and-coming drag event company, that aims to showcase the multidisciplinary value of drag artistry, and incorporate all the spectrums within the Queer community through a female sensibility.

Masc.Ari ............................................................

they/he/your majesty | @masc.ari | Tips: $yourmajestytoyou

New York City, NY

Masc.Ari is the co-producer of GrippySock Burlesque and co-producer/co-host of Sick Sad Shit Show (an open set). They are a serenading drag prince and elevated cosmic menace. Whisking you away through a kaleidoscope of emotions, he brings the shenanigans to sad glam.

Tha True Original Gata ..........................................

New York City, NY she/her | @ moniquegatadupree | Tips: @thaoriginalgata / $mrsmoniquethomas

Tha True Original Gata aka Monique Dupree is a scream queen, wrestler, and cosplayer born from practices of burlesque, drag, and belly dance. She has taken part in over 100 horror projects, was named in Playboy’s list of “Sexiest Scream Queens of All Time,” and has been a staple of wrestling promotion for TNA. Gata is notorious for performing her “blood dance.” She married her love of film and burlesque to bring her authenticity to the craft.

Rev. Yolanda .......................................................

New York City, NY they/them | @revyolanda

Rev. Yolanda has been a central figure in the drag and LGBTQIA+ community in NYC and a spiritual leader to many of us dissatisfied by the church. Through their music, work on Drag Queen Story Hour, and their Church of the Two Drink Minimum, they are a huge beacon of hope. The recent death of their partner Glen brought out the cabaret, drag, broadway, unity and activist community.

Tillie the Clown...................................................

New York City, NY they/them | @tillietheclown | Tips: @Tillietheclown

Tillie the Clown is a drag clown singing live and doing standup all over NYC.

Queue Queer ........................................................... Rochester, NY he/they | @queuequeer

Queue Queer is a femme king whose performances are witty, artistic, and always high-energy. He has won multiple titles, most notably Mr. Gay Pride Rochester, 2023. He is also a community trailblazer, as he is the reason for the creation of the Mx. Gay Pride title. “For Life, Justice, and the Pursuit of Drag”!

Ohio

Maine(void) ............................................................. Cleveland, OH it/they/he | @mainevoid & @selfdiagnosedleadingmen | Tips: $mainevoid Maine(void) is stepping out of the computer screen and onto the stage as Cleveland’s residential drag robot! They will dance, lip-sync, and (sometimes) sing as they take you on an exploration of technology, Afrofuturism, gender, and more! They’ll make you laugh, they’ll make you cry, but most importantly, they’ll make you feel.

Mickle Von Pickle .....................................................

Cleveland, OH ze/hir, he/him | @micklevonpickle_cle | Tips: @micklevonpickle / $micklevonpickle

Mickle Von Pickle is crunchy, he’s sour, he’s the king of erectile dysfunction, he’s Mickle Von Pickle! This clown used the theatre-kid-to-cosplayer-to-drag-performer-pipeline like a waterslide and it shot him out in northeast Ohio. Laugh with him or laugh at him, he’s just happy people are laughing!

Poundcake ........................................................... Youngstown, OH

he/him | @yo_king_poundcake & fb: Yo King Poundcake | Tips: @paykingpoundcake

Poundcake is northeast Ohio’s favorite undead gentleman caller. He’s a multi-hyphenate Trans masc draglesque king who is best described as “an experience.” Boasting 18 years in the business, Poundcake is a live vocalist, actor, stand up comedian, cosplayer, and all-around menace...think “musical theatre kid,” but somehow more Queer.

Oklahoma

Bronwen Belmont ...............................................

Oklahoma City, OK

she/they/he | @bronwenx1000 | Tips: @bronwenx1000 / $bronwenx1000

Bronwen “The Best in the Midwest!” Belmont is an award-winning designer, burlesque artist, entertainer, actress, and stylist destined to make magic on stage. Her work has been featured in zines, film projects, podcasts, category-winning pageant packages, and legendary local drag shows. With her exquisite designs and fiery performances, Bronwen is ready to dazzle audiences in a city near you!

Oregon

Destry Danger ....................................................

Oklahoma City, OK he/him (drag), he/she/they | @destrydangerdrag | Tips: $destrydangerdrag Destry Danger is a new king in the Oklahoma City scene! His performances are glimpses into his journey of overcoming compulsory cisheteronormativity; it’s giving gross boy/toxic ex energy, but in the best way. While live performances have been Destry’s focus lately, there will be more digital-based content coming in the future.

Oregon

Clyde Maxx .................................................................

Eugene, OR he/they | @clyde_maxx69 | Tips: @clyde_maxx69

Clyde Maxx is a creative king who is always ready to serve...something...on stage. A born performer and longtime drag appreciator, he loves any and all opportunities to have his ideas enabled, and brings a variety of energies to the crowd.

Luke N. Good ..............................................................

Eugene, OR he/him | @luke.n.good | Tips: @sarah-majercin / $thevelosarahptor

Luke N. Good is the handsomest king in Eugene, Oregon. Luke uses drag to express his Butch gender identity, love for character costumes and props, and exploration of dance to feel positive in his body. He puts the oat milk in the Haus of Créme, an all drag kings and things house founded by Eugene’s that was voted Best Drag King Heavy Cream. You can also find him performing with and doing social media promotion for The Muse Collective, a cabaret troupe from Eugene that hosts events at Sam Bond’s Garage. Keep your heart on your sleeve, and Luke might steal it away!

Diva Debauchery Seasons .............................................

Portland, OR they/it/rot | @princex_sese | Tips: @princexboy

Diva Debauchery is a Nigerian, Congolese, and Filipinx Muslim queen born and raised in Northeast Portland. They are also Ms. Gay Pride of Portland 11 and a former Embers’ Hall of Famer. A jinn in the form of a rubber hose cartoon clown.

Klawz Mawnsta .......................................................... Portland, OR it/she/he (drag), he/it | @KlawzMawnsta | Tips: @AshGotKlawz / $AshGotKlawz Klawz Mawnsta started his drag and burlesque journey on 4/20/23. Its drag name comes from Monster High as does its drag style. Its makeup and clothing has influences of Gyaru (mostly Rokku 9/10) and y2k aesthetic. He is a Trans man who is Two Spirit, Queer, and a BIPOC. Klawz considers himself a drag thing. Its drag show, We Make Culture, is a BIPOC variety show showcasing old and new talents. He wants to make a difference in his community and make a legacy

Navouny Divinne ........................................................ Portland, OR she/it | @navouny | Tips: @NavounyDivinne / $NavounyDivinne Navouny Divinne calls herself the “Mixed Trans Shapeshifter of the West Coast.” It embodies all types of drag from alt, pageant, creature, king, high femme and more; you never know what style she will bring to the party.

Ripper/Masculina ........................................................ Portland, OR they/he | @the.only.ripper & @masculina.the.drag.king | Tips: @GothiccSlut / $GothiccSlut

Ripper/Masculina is a self-proclaimed drag creature of the night. This genderless shapeshifter is a master of illusion with over a decade of theatrical experience. Specializing in practical and special FX makeup, they are known for transforming into mesmerizing, otherworldly beings that captivate and enchant, making every appearance a spellbinding spectacle of artistry and allure.

Synceire Love ............................................................

he/she/they | @synceirelove | Tips: @synceirelove / $ynceire

Portland, OR

Synceire Love is a Portland-based baby queen on the rise! She is a captivating performer, inspired by the it girls of the ‘90s and y2k R&B scene, as well as ethereal and psychedelic imagery. Her many diverse performance styles include dancing, dramatic and comedic lip-syncs, as well as live vocals in the genres of neo-soul, R&B, indie, jazz, pop, rap, and so much more. Make some room in your heart, because you’ve NEVER felt a love like this, Synceire Love.

Pennsylvania

XxAVOiDANCE ...........................................................

Lancaster, PA

they/them | @xavoidancex & @alter_void | Tips: @alter_void XxAVOiDANCE are new drag performers. Their style for drag is goth and occasionally fairycore. Their drag journey was based off Colton (the body), having DID, and being Trans masc (but having some more feminine alters). A lot of their life was spent feeling like they are not human. After Colton transitioned, they had a LOT of therapy, and decided to embrace who they are and go by “Void.” They eventually started doing drag and became XxAVOiDANCE.

Diva Cup .............................................................

he/they/any pronouns | @divacupdrag | Tips: $Buybowie

Phliadelphia, PA

Diva Cup likes to bring a dark, maximalistic, campy vibe to their drag. In their drag closet, you’ll find lots of black and lace. They love to highlight any new hobbies and interests through their performances, and inherent sexiness as a plus size performer. Drag brings out a fun and artistic side of themself that they feel so lucky to be in touch with thanks to this craft.

Indra Cool ............................................................

it/he/they | @indra_cool_drag & @slaughterhausdrag

Phliadelphia, PA

Indra Cool is the Philly area’s resident mothman and a member of Slaughter Haus! Its drag primarily consists of being a moody cryptid fuckboi, running around to rock music from the ‘70s, 2000s alternative, and the occasional pop song. Oh, and being cute.

Lady X Static ........................................................

any pronouns | @lady.x.static | Tips: @ladyxstatic

Phliadelphia, PA

Lady X Static is an up and coming performer who specializes in all things silly! Known for their versatile performances, Lady X Static loves to charm their audiences and give them a night worth remembering. They’re also going to run out of eyeliner if they keep making their wings too big.

Marlowe le Fay .....................................................

Philadelphia, PA she/they | @marlowe_le_fay | Tips: @Marlowe_le_Fay

Marlowe le Fay is a Trans fairy queen based out of New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Marlowe’s aesthetic is ethereal, timeless, and beautiful. They love to emphasize the aspect of drag that allows you to shapeshift, choosing at different times to serve a cunty look, perform a ballad, or don something scarier. Marlowe’s main focus with their art is to make people feel entertained, affirmed, and happy. They also run a drag group for youth, ages 14-23, at Attic Youth Center.

Mister Right .........................................................

he/they | @_mister.right_ | Tips: @mister-right

Phliadelphia, PA

Mister Right is a Philadelphia-based drag king doing drag for two years and averaging 15 shows a month. They’ve helped curate the only all-ages drag show/competition in the city. Alongside Eugene Rideher Bettal, they are creating a safe space for Queer youth to hone their drag craft while producing shows that support amateur drag performers and promote drag kings/Trans masc royalty. Drag has given their life a new purpose which they hope to spread across the world.

Papi Pookie ..........................................................

he/they | @papipookieee | Tips: @anasophiar/ $anasophiar

Phliadelphia, PA

Papi Pookie is an up-and-coming drag king/thing based in Philly. He is proficient in gluing rhinestones to his body and taking his shirt off mid-performance, among many other kingly things.

Rhode Island

Jean Sequins ........................................................... Providence, RI

he/him | @jean.sequins | Tips: @JeanSequins

DJ Dr. Rabbi Jean Sequins is the hot professor you had a crush on in undergrad. He’s a tenured professor of Genetics, Anthropology, and Gender Studies with very well-attended office hours. Your grade point average isn’t the only thing he’ll be getting up this semester. He’s also the faculty advisor* (*leader and founder) of Boston’s only active Jewish drag company, Ain’t Mitzvahavin’, a troupe centering Jewish Joy, community, and resilience in their consistently sold out shows.

Mx. Mingle .............................................................. Providence, RI

he/they | @mx_mingle | Tips: @mxmingle

Mx. Mingle is a campy, silly, sexy king that brings glam wherever he goes! Rooted in euphoria and self-expression, his drag is inspired by the gender-bending of Freddie Mercury and David Bowie.

South Carolina

Glitterous ............................................................... Greenville, SC

she/it | @theeglitterous | Tips: @glitterous

Glitterous is a Mexican immigrant who grew up in Arizona! She started drag here in Greenville where there have not been many spaces for drag performers. She started her own show called The Glitter Ball and has brought alternative/non-traditional drag to downtown Greenville!

Tennessee

Jo King .............................................................. Chattanooga, TN

she/they | @theeJoKing | Tips: @jokingdrag

Jo King has been performing on stages across Tennessee since 2021. A blend of masculinity and femininity, Jo’s drag has a clear punchline: gender norms are the biggest joke of all. Beyond the stage, Jo is a passionate advocate for the belief that all artists deserve a stage, regardless of what they look like in the dressing room. With her unique blend of humor, heart, and high camp, Jo King continues to challenge conventions and spread joy wherever she goes. They say that laughter’s the best medicine, and Jo King is here to provide the perfect dose.

Nancy Boy ............................................................... Nashville, TN

she/her, they/themme | @nancyboyqueen | Tips: @nancyboyqueen

Nancy Boy is a southern treat by way of Italy. Known for her glamorous lip-syncs, this sparkly lil’ thing will enchant you with a flick of her wrist. Catch Nancy twirling locally in Nashville, Tennessee, or wherever you want to see ya boy.

Salem LeStrange........................................................ Nashville, TN

she/her | @gothbitchjuice | Tips: @SalemLeStrange / $TheLadyCryptid

Salem LeStrange, known as the “Creature of the Night,” started her career in Nashville by making waves as a dark arts, alternative, cosplay-centric and burlesque-inspired AFAB queen. She is well-traveled and has worked with various talented entertainers. Her exhilarating performances combine her love for the romantic with her self-taught artistic skill. She is the current reigning Mx Nashville Pride and the first AFAB queen to win a Nashville Pride title in the history of the pageant.

Texas

LaHaute Wheels ..............................................

she/they/he | @LaHauteWheels | Tips: @ReginaldQueen

Austin & Houston, TX

LaHaute Wheels is a disabled drag queen inspired by gothic, y2k, and cowboy fashion.

Flame Foxxe ................................................

Dallas-Fort Worth, TX

they/them | @FlameFoxxe | Tips: @fineapple-farms / $FlameFoxxe

Flame has been setting hearts ablaze since January 2023, but are no newb to the spotlight! They have over 10 years of experience as their burlesque persona, Scarlet Selkie, and over 20 years of performance training! They are currently a host, producer, mentor, author, and chronic illness and disability advocate and educator online, as well as the founder of Texas’ ONLY recurring all ages drag play and variety show! When they aren’t performing or producing, they can be found working on their podcasts, Queer Conversations and Chronically Sunny Skye, and inspiring others to find ways of fulfilling their dreams despite their limitations!

Swampussy .................................................................

Denton, TX

he/him | @swampuzzy | Tips: $kaydaddypls

Swampussy is new to the drag scene with about five months under their belt. Attending a Swampussy performance? Expect lots of props, a voice recording, and eating or drinking on stage. He’s lurking just beneath your surface and cumming in a swamp near you...It’s Swampussy!

Xio Nova .................................................................... Denton, TX

he/they | @iamxionova & fb: Xio Nova| Tips: $xianova1

Xio Nova is a Denton-based drag king with a seductive gaze that could melt glaciers and a charisma that electrifies the stage. You’re sure to have a good time when he’s around. Whether teasing with a sultry smile or unleashing their playful and silly side, their performances are a delightful blend of sensuality and humor. With a presence that commands attention, Xio Nova.

Utah

Maybelline Mayhem/ Mister E..................................... Cedar Hills, UT she/her, he/him, they/them (personal) | @mayhem_and_mister_e

Maybelline Mayhem/ Mister E describes themselves as a twink with tits. Beginning drag at 16 has helped them explore gender expression. The drag community makes them proud of their identity. They focus on camp and clown-based performances. Find them in the Provo/SLC drag scene!

Oso Aqua Velvet ................................................. Salt Lake City, UT they/them | @osoaquavelvet | Tips: @osoaquavelvet

Oso Aqua Velvet is originally from Pocatello, Idaho, where a huge chunk of their drag was created. Now located 2.5 hours south of Salt Lake City, Utah, they are a Nonbinary drag clown. They pride themselves on being an activist in the LGBTQ+ community.

Virginia

Beau Tox ................................................................. Richmond, VA

he/him | @beautoxdrag | Tips: @beautoxdrag / $beautoxdrag

Beau Tox is a drag king in Richmond, Virginia! He’s a high energy little guy who you hear before you see. His tagline is, “I’m a good southern boy, but I’ll be the first one to steal your girl’s heart.”

Leilani Dominique Envy ............................................... Richmond, VA she/her | @Leilani.Drag & @Leilani.Envy | Tips: @LeilaniEnvy / $LeilaniEnvy Leilani Dominique Envy, mother of the Haus of Envy, showcases glamour, advocacy, and rhythmic performances through her representation of drag. Leilani hosts an annual pageant, and various drag shows in the Richmond area. She is also involved with various panels that focus on AAPI/ Queer discussions, highlighting her Polynesian culture. Leilani is a pillar to her peers and an activist for various topics promoting community enrichment.

Barbro ....................................................................... Vienna, VA she/her | @barbarabrandofvienna

Barbro may not techincally be a drag artist—instead, she calls herself a jester. Barbro is a strong absurdist nihilist who views all aspects of human experience equally. She makes a point to include injury/ugliness/flaw in all her costumes. Life is to be lived, bodies will get hurt and scarred and will age, clothes will break and get dirty, and to try to preserve perfection is to lose out on life in vain, because it’s all going to end anyway. That is her ideology.

Washington

Sage Valentine ....................................................... Bellingham, WA she/her | @sage.valentine | Tips: @solasinthesun / $solasinthesun

Sage Valentine is Bellingham’s Trans drag goddess and pop princess. Her drag is a love letter to the powerful feminine figures that have and continue to inspire her. Originally starting drag in Spokane in 2018, Sage has been performing all over Washington state for over five years.

Mikayla Hunt ............................................................. Olympia, WA they/he | @mikhunt.drag

Mikayla Hunt is Olympia’s resident BFA queen. From theatre drama to high energy dance, Mikayla never fails to deliver a performance.

May Moonlight ...................................................Port Townsend, WA he/they | @mountain.may

Moonlight May is a drag performer and writer based mostly on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington state.

Zak Havok ................................................................. Yakima, WA they/them | @zak.havok | Tips: $HouseofHavok21

Zak Havok is an emo elder king with all the greaser vibes you could want. With 12 years performing out of Yakima, Washington, Zak is eager to continue his drag career.

Argentina

Kaleido King ....................................................... Buenos Aires, ARG he/him (drag), they/them| @kaleidoking

Kaleido King is an Argentinian drag king, full of chromatic chaos.

BeeWitched .............................................................

Kingston, ON she/they| @beewitcheddrag | Tips: beewitcheddrag (paypal)

BeeWitched is a witchy, haunting, beautiful, silly, and emotional performer. Bringing you versatility, gorgeous makeup, and fabulous hosting skills, they’re considered a spearhead in their community. BeeWitched is passionate to challenge the “norm” as a chronically ill, disabled, and AFAB performer. She is a firm believer in boundless creativity and diversity in drag, as drag is for everyone.

BLOWPONY ..............................................................

Kingston, ON they/them | @bl0wp0ny

BLOWPONY is a Nonbinary multidisciplinary visual and performing drag clown from Kingston, Ontario. Since they began performing a year ago, they have aspired to make their performances a love letter to the club kids and Transgender legends gone before them. BLOWPONY marries an over-the-top aesthetic and provocative performance to create and share joy and be visibly, unapologetically Queer in an increasingly unkind world.

Yuni Verse ...............................................................

Kingston, ON she/her | @yuniverse.ca & @yuniverse.com | Tips: yunivirtual (ko-fi)

Yuni Verse is a drag artist based in Kingston, Ontario. Known for her dancing and insane mixes, she is the “Dancing Doll of Kingston,” delivering brain-scratching performances that stick with you for eternity.

Betty Baker ........................................................

Peterborough, ON she/they (drag), any pronouns | @bettyybaker

Betty Baker is a drag artist, activist, and storyteller from Peterborough, Ontario. Their monthly Drag Storytimes at the Peterborough Public Library have garnered the attention of CBC News: The National and MacLean’s Magazine. In 2023, they were recognized as one of the Elizabeth Fry Society of Peterborough’s Rebels With A Cause, and are currently attending Toronto Metropolitan University studying Performance Production. An aspiring costume designer and public figure, Betty has a passion for exploring gender theory, Queer history, and studying drag as a theatrical art form.

THEY CONTAIN MULTUTUDESHow King Captain Balances Every Part of Themselves on Their Gender Journey

WORDS BY Hailey Green

PLEASE NOTE: During the course of this interview, Captain uses their Dead Name, Kelsey, to refer to themselves at different points in their life & gender journey. This does not give the reader the permission to use this name to refer to them in any capacity.

It’s a steamy Texas summer evening when Captain and I sit down to chat. I park on the street and walk up the long sidewalk to the front door, passing the massive pride flag hanging from the house’s front alcove. As soon as I open the door, I am immediately greeted by a screaming orange monster of a cat named Elliot. I give him a quick pat on the head and let him free into the backyard.

Cap emerges from their bedroom in a black and white button down (half open–in their standard style) & boxer shorts. Hair still wet from the shower, they move with the swagger and confidence of someone that has been conditioned, from years of formal dance training, to be aware of every inch of their body. Shortly after, we settle in on their living room sofa to have our little chat.

HG: Alright. Can you elevator pitch the last 6 years of your life?

C: 2020 obviously was super scary for everybody. Because I was doing very little, I literally [just] decided [one day] to get an undercut. At that point I was already using she/they [pronouns] but people were still just calling me “she”.

HG: Weren’t you using she/her when I met you?

C: Publicly maybe. I was exploring she/they at that point. Mainly because for my entire life, I was told: “Keep your hair long until a director tells you to cut it” or “You have to keep up feminine appearances so you can still go for the female ingénue,” when honestly, secretly, I just wanted to play male roles.

It was a private journey that was happening. But during 2020 it started to become physical.

And it really started with the undercut. I remember feeling so liberated with just that. That was plenty. I still had my long hair

but I was free to do whatever I wanted with my body.

I already had a lot of tattoos at that point, but I could get more.

I started living more authentically in my body. It [happened] slowly over time. When theater started to come back, I just put my foot down, saying, “This is what I look like now. Sorry ‘bout it. You can cast me or you don’t have to,” not giving a fuck.

I was scared at first, because I had been presenting one way and I was nervous that people wouldn’t accept this more masculine side of me. [But] people were starting to hire me as the Queer looking human that I am.

Eventually I didn’t want to be called “she” anymore. I would cringe anytime someone would. So I moved into they/them [pronouns].

Then coming out as Trans-masc, I don’t even remember the “ah-ha” moment because so much of it has been so fluid. A kind of natural circling in on itself. I like being someone who is authentically themselves and not afraid to be that, even in my journey of discovering what I was.

So yes. Trans-masc Nonbinary Lesbian is where we have landed. They/them. BOY with an “I” [Boi]. And I’ve switched my name to Captain.

Captain has been such a part of my drag journey living in that androgyny space; Captain could be anything: male or female. Or both. Or neither.

HG: So now that we’ve talked a bit about the Captain name, tell me more about getting into drag.

C: I was dating a drag king and I was helping them out with a lot of their shows. We met each other through mutual friends but I had seen them perform drag and I learned what Draglesque was. I remember asking them if [they] ever needed to fill a space, and they just threw me in one night. When you’re in

the moment, you will give [the crowd] what they want.

Right before I went on, my brother facetimed me. [He] saw me in my first look and said, “Woah…why do you look like a dude right now?”

HG: Awww babe I didn’t know that!

C: Yeah, and I [told him], “I’m actually about to do my first drag performance.”

He said “Oh my god! This is so cool!”

In that moment, that is what calmed me, him getting really fucking excited about me doing drag. I remember feeling like, “Yeah, I’ll be alright.”

HG: I mean, that first night that you performed? I had never seen you slip so much into who you are before that moment. And I just remember thinking, “Fuck. There they are.”

C: I think that drag was one of those big moments… or maybe a combination of a bunch of small moments. I could be my authentic self and let whatever needs to

THEY CONTAIN MULTITUDES

happen happen and not have to control it.

HG: So to shift a little bit, I do remember entering your home for the first time and being so shocked at the aesthetic in here. It is so aggressively “homegoods” vibes.

C: But if you look at my bookshelf, I have demon books underneath a blue paint dipped macramé display. That is the dark and the light I have [in me].

That is how my masculinity and my femininity are together, too. I look like this, but I am

also sitting on this very fluffy pink blanket, you know what I mean?

That is the soft cozy [side] of me, even though I could beat your ass and have an altar to Hecate. The dichotomy of me.

HG: What do you think the biggest differences are between “King Captain” and Cap at home?

C: Cap is just me. Cap just feels right. [It started as] an endearing term that partners would call me and it made me feel like the giver and protector that I am.

Captain lives in my love life and now my art. As I started to use [Captain] in more Queer spaces, only people that knew me [from before] would ever call me Kelsey. Because I got into drag through a partner, they would tell me that I didn’t have to be called [Captain] just in private. I could be called that in public Queer spaces as well. That, combined with me doing drag, it just was kind of seamless.

HG: What do you feel is the biggest gift that “Capital K, Capital C” King Captain has given you?

C: Besides gender euphoria? Honestly? Opportunity. Opportunity to not only be seen and to have gigs for myself, but to put money into [other] Queer hands. To know other people that came into drag and discovered themselves. That helps me to feel like I’m not crazy in the way that society tries to make us feel, by challenging the binary at all. What happens when you find that family? You feel like you can do anything.

Fuck the binary. Fuck the police. Fuck society. Fuck the government.

All humans deserve to be seen and accepted for who they are. Especially in the Queer world for the amount of pain and suffering that has happened to get here, from our OG BIPOC Trans-humans. I always have to thank [them], those who started all of this with a riot.

They have given us strength. They have given us reason. They have given us family

and community to fuck the system, to step down when people are challenging our existence, to step up even higher on a bigger platform and give back to those who gave us opportunity.

I am trying to believe and manifest that better times are coming.

That [happens] through connecting and showing perspective. [That happens through] multiple types of drag performers: Trans, Nonbinary, everyone in the Queer community. [It] means that for the next generation, they will have someone who represents what they look like, what they feel like.

It only gets better the more we talk about it.

HG: I love you.

C: I love you too. Thank you for doing this with me.

King Captain (they/them) is a Transmasc Nonbinary drag king and artist specializing in Draglesque performance style. Based between Dallas, Texas and Los Angeles, California they strive to build spaces based around consent, sex positivity, and free expression of identity. They have worked as an actor for the better part of 20 years and have over 10 years combat experience, as well as extensive intimacy training for stage & screen.

Captain is also a co-founder of Gender Blender Productions, a collective of Queer artists with a monthly residency at Barbaras Pavilion in the Bishop Arts District of Dallas, Texas.

You can follow them at @kamilbourn or @kingcaptain_drag on instagram and @king.captain91 on tiktok.

You can also donate to their top surgery fund with the QR code.

“All I’ve ever wanted to do is dress up and make people laugh, and now to be told that that’s evil, a little humor and beauty is such a threat.”

“In short, it means everything. It means there’s a space for me here.”

“I

realized how powerful drag can really be because in rural Pennsylvania, when you stand in a room in drag, just standing there in the way you do gets people feeling a certain kind of way, whether that’s happy or upset.”

CONTRIBUTORS

Adamska Rakhilkina (they/them) is an award-winning Russian filmmaker, visual artist, and writer based in the USA. They hold a BFA from Tisch School of the Arts and an MFA from the University of Washington. Exhibition of their work has taken place globally, with highlights including Allouche Gallery (NYC), Henry Art Gallery (Seattle), and Academy Award-qualifying film festivals. Their short film New Flesh for the Old Ceremony won Best Narrative Short Film Audience Award at Reeling! Chicago Queer Film Festival 2021, and their paper Queer Extremities of the Body Politic was featured at the 2nd Trans Studies International Conference at Northwestern University. ig: @adamska_utopias

Amritha York (she/her/they/them) is a Queer, Torontonian, Indian, RN, new mother, and womxn. Amritha writes from her own life experiences of trauma, loss, poverty, race, and resilience. She hopes to push storytelling out of stuffy exclusivity into healing words of comfort, making writing more accessible in vulnerable spaces of poor mental health and recovery. She has written for the Legion and participated in social action projects with the Gardiner Museum and the YWCA. Her work is due to be published in Anti-Heroin Chic Magazine. ig: @first.breath.release

In the middle of a venn diagram between “Fran Fine,” “Joan Didion,” and “insufferable Lesbian,” Ann McCann (she/her) finds herself waxing poetic about a California that maybe doesn’t exist and women who have taught her how to love while kvetching about why the moschino heart bag is still so expensive and the importance of a ‘90s animal print mini dress. She can be found photo journaling her life with her wife in Northern California on instagram @beegirlfriends.

Anya Jiménez (she/her) is a writer, actor, singer, director, and lover of the Oxford comma. She was born and raised in New York City, but against all odds, she is finally learning how to drive at age 20. She’s pretty stoked to have had her artistic work awarded by organizations including YoungArts, #ENOUGH: Plays to End Gun Violence, Scholastic, and the Presidential Scholar Foundation. She can usually be found bouncing her leg and/or contemplating the horrors.

ig: @anya.g.j

Bellamy Bodiford (he/they) is a writer and editor based in Georgia. They enjoy photography and drawing and are passionate about disability and Queer activism. ig: @savedbythe_bellamy

C. Show (they/them) is a Central Arkansasbased poet whose chapbook, Gestalt, has been published by new words {press}. They use experimental forms and visuals to enhance their work. ig: @_cshow_

Cam Reid (they/them) is a writer and actor currently uprooting their life in Portland, OR and hauling themselves to Brooklyn, NY. Wish them luck, please. They’re very happy to be a Senior Editor of Fruitslice. They’re also an armchair chef and a pokémon go apologist. They would like to one day become a successful birdwatcher. website: www.cam-reid.com ig: @toughguycam.

Cameron Vernali (any pronouns) is a writer based in California. She has been published in The Dry River and The Paper Mixtape. She is also an amateur cruciverbalist. ig: @cammster

Carter A (he/him) is a Virginia based interdisciplinary artist and current student who enjoys learning and utilizing different mediums, such as sculpture, painting, photography, and printmaking to explore themes of personal identity and expression. He is a Queer and disabled individual, and art has aided in reconnecting to his sense of self. ig: @toolongnightradio

Casper Orr (he/him) is a Queer disabled writer and artist trapped in a cement New Jersey hellscape. While his one true love is poetry, he is studying literature and creative writing and enjoys any form he can dig his fingers into. His work explores themes such as class, gender, religion, and disability in all their complexity and nuance. He has previously contributed to Gypsophila and Bitter Melon Review and has work forthcoming in Academy of the Heart and Mind and Clementine Journal. ig: @androqurrr

Dale Corvino (he/him) is the author of a short story collection (Bonds & Boundaries, Rebel Satori Press, 2023) and the sex work memoir Kept Boy in the Afterlife, winner of the C&R Press Nonfiction Award, due out in September. He lives in Hell’s Kitchen with his very understanding husband. website: dalecorvino.com ig: @dalecorvino twitter: @dalecorvino

Daniel Grace (he/they), is a multi-medium artist based in Kentucky. Common themes in his work are unlearning religion and embracing Queerness. They are constantly trying to find the balance between the serious and the silly! ig: @theedanielgrace.art

Danielle Lande is a singer-songwriter based in Los Angeles, California. They’re known for their soulful voice, intimate songwriting, and unique sound drawing on pop and jazz. Danielle’s first EP Love Never Dies came out on July 16th. They also run a Queer music collective called Queersound. website: www.daniellelande.com ig: @daniellelande

Ellie Allan (she/her) is a whimsical Lesbian based in York, England. She enjoys creating poetry, writing short stories, and meditating on the absurd. Currently dedicated to the “hypothetical” world of the Sapphic Graverobbing Community, her work has also been published in Butch-Femme Press (Edinburgh), Anodyne Magazine (Berlin) and Fruitslice (Los Angeles).

Enjay DeGuzman (she/her) is a writer living outside Philadelphia. She is a Queer horse girl and part of the MFA program at Rosemont College. ig: @enjaydeguzman

Ethan Draper (he/they), is a Trans, Queer, and disabled burgeoning neuroscientist. He calls Turtle Island (also known as Canada) home. When not exploring the intricacies of the human brain, he is an avid studio artist and writer, exploring themes of human rights as well as internalized beauty standards on Queer experiences.

Hailey Green (she/her) is a Lesbian writer, theatre educator, and arts advocate based in North Texas.

website: www.haileyagreen.com

Haley Schwartz (she/they) is an awardwinning writer, actor, and musician based in Brooklyn, New York. They received their MFA in Acting from Brown University, where they were awarded the Antonio Cirino Memorial Scholarship, a Shubert Foundation Award, and the David Wickham Prize in Playwriting. Haley’s written work explores grief, apocalypse, love, mythology, the ordinary, and the absurd.

website: www.haleydschwartz.com

Hamish Bell (they/he) is a ScottishCanadian Trans Masc and poet. A political science and philosophy aficionado by day, they write poetry dealing with Queerness, loss, and small-town Scottish life by night. Their work has been featured in several Oxford-based student and community zines— including NoseDive Magazine—and published by Gnashing Teeth Press.

Holly K. Renshaw (she/her) is a high school student from Provo, Utah and it seems that the most interesting thing about her is that she’s a senior but actually the most interesting thing about her is that she is left handed. ig: @thepoisonedholly

Isabella Perdomo (she/they) is a multipassionate Venezuelan-American artist with a love for native plants, textile arts, and urban foraging. An LA-native based in Southern California, they seek to amplify the importance of community care and collective human knowledge in their work. ig: @honeywoven.la

Jamie Manias (they/them) is a poetry MFA candidate and instructor at Bowling Green State University, where they serve as an assistant editor to the Mid-American Review. Their work has appeared in Apocalypse Confidential, dadakuku, and a Queer anthology by Moonstone Arts Center. ig: @jamiemanias

Jason Wayne Wong (he/him) is an LAbased actor, Fruitslice volunteer, and cat dad. As a lifelong comic book geek, Jason dreams of one day joining an all-Queer Justice League or a team of Gay Avengers who work together to improve the world. He thinks Fruitslice comes pretty close, but maybe more in a Doom Patrol or New Mutants kind of way, which suits him just fine.

ig: @retrogradejason

Johanna Hall (they/she) is a Femme Dyke mostly-poet from Charlottesville, Virginia, whose writing generally features Lesbianism, God, disability, and various troubled pasts. website: johannapoet.com

ig: @johannahallwrites

Jordan Roth (they/she) is a storyteller, curator, and zine-maker based in Western New York. Through collage, photography, painting, and other media, they create art from an intersectional, Queer, and feminist perspective.

ig: @jordanmarieroth

julia kusiak (she/her) is a poet, affective archivist, and fabricator based in Warsaw, Poland. Her work inspects the lives of found objects and seeks ways to attach them to new meanings. In writing, she dives into the personal and explores it in the wider context of desire, feminism, subversion, and relationships.

ig: @selavyblue

Karla Lamb (she/her/ella) is a Queer Chicana poet born in Mexico City, with work forthcoming or appearing in Hooligan Mag, Tilted House, Cobra Milk, Rejected Lit, A Women’s Thing Magazine, YES Poetry, Coal Hill Review, Fine Print Press, Dream Boy Book Club, Word Riot, Pittsburgh Poetry Journal, and elsewhere. Her work has been twice nominated for the Best of the Net Anthology, and translated in Revista La Peste. Lamb hosts Verse4Verse, a monthly Sapphic & Queer-Expansive poetry open mic in East Los Angeles.

website: karlalamb.com ig: @vinylowl

Kate Warrington (she/her) is a Queer Brooklyn, New York-based writer whose work seeks to explore the intersections of identity and culture. Her writing has appeared in places including Pangyrus Lit Mag, Impakter magazine, and She Explores Life, a feminist site where she authored the column “Overthinking Everything” about her experience with obsessive-compulsive disorder. In 2023, Kate was a member of Writing Workshops’ Paris nonfiction retreat with author Chloé Caldwell. website: katewarrington.medium.com ig: @warrington_kate

Kayla Thompson (she/her) is a writer, advocate, and community consultant currently living and writing in Brooklyn. She graduated magna cum laude from NYU in 2022, earning her Bachelor’s Degree in English and American Literature with a minor in Creative Writing. Kayla has a deep-rooted belief in the power of words to inspire, inform, and catalyze meaningful change for communities. In 2023, she was named one of the Outfest Inclusive Press Initiative Fellows for the 41st Outfest Los Angeles LGBTQ+. ig: @kaylamarie_99 / @allegedveganreads

maanasa (she/her) is a writer and multimedia artist based in Los Angeles, who creates using makeup artistry, film photography, digital collage, and streamof-consciousness poems and prose. She seeks to make sense of niche cultural trends and to explore the concept of time in her work, leading up to a bildungsroman about 20-somethings. ig: @chill_girl_archetype

Mars Goodwin (he/they) is a Clark University student majoring in Media, Culture, and the Arts. Mars has a strong passion for multimedia art and expressing emotions through images. Their art is often rooted in gender identity/inequality, selfdiscovery, and childhood nostalgia. His art Instagram is @mycatismac and their small business is @starsby.mars.

Max Stone (he/him) is a poet from Reno, Nevada. His work explores Transness and Queerness often combined with an ecopoetic sensibility. He also hosts the Landline Poetry Series monthly in Reno. website: www.maxenemy.com ig: @maxxenemy

McKenna Gray (they/them) is a graphic designer and musician based in Seattle, WA. They are passionate about using graphic design to help platform people from underrepresented communities. Having worked with nonprofits in various sectors, they work in a wide variety of styles, with a goal of making the unique feel approachable. ig: @mckennagray linkedin: McKenna Gray

Meg Streich (she/her) is a writer, educator, nonprofit director, and senior editor at Fruitslice. Based out of Philadelphia, PA, she can be found running The Big Gay Writing Project, a nonprofit organization focused on creating sober Queer spaces, or getting lost in an ikea. She can take a baked potato out of the oven with her bare hands.

ig: @meg.bert / @biggaywritingproject

Melanie Zhgenti (she/her) is a graphic designer based in Seattle, WA. Her design interests lie in delicious typography, scrumptious color palettes, and postermaking. CMYK holds a special place in her heart. She also enjoys horrible reality TV, 1000-piece puzzles, and sunbathing.

ig: ladycmyk

Mena Brazinski (she/her) is a writer from Upstate New York who adores unreliable narrators, non-linear plot lines, and messy protagonists. She is currently in her last year of undergrad and has plans to become a college professor. Her next project will be co-launching a literature magazine in Albany, NY.

ig: @mebrazinski

Micah Brown (any pronouns) is a SanFrancisco-based student who is continually curious about their fellow humans. You can catch them compulsively looking at nerdy webcomics, surfing wikipedia, and navigating cities by nearest boba shop. They love doing crosswords, learning neuroscience, and making puns. They are currently falling in love with New York City, reading lots of storybook fantasy, and writing their Fruitslice bio.

Natalie Walton (she/her) is an LA-based novelist, ghostwriter, and screenwriter by way of Delaware. She has a Masters in criminology/sexuality studies, works fulltime in social services, and volunteers with the LA Public Library Adult Literacy Program. A winter baby, she prefers the (West Coast) cold and mountains but her favorite place in the world is Palm Springs when it’s 120 degrees.

ig: @nataliexwalton

Nico Wilkinson (they/he) is a poet, organizer, and artist based out of Colorado Springs, Colorado. They are the organizer of Keep Colorado Springs Queer, an awardwinning open mic night started in 2016. In 2017, they released Inauguration, a collaborative book with Idris Goodwin that celebrated resilience in the midst of hostile political climates. They are the 2017 champion of Capturing Fire, the national Queer poetry competition and summit. Their full-length poetry collection, The Weeds Grow Anyway, is set to release Fall 2024. website: nicowilkinson.com

ig: @nicothepoet

Nicole Hernandez Reyes (they/them) is a Queer Mexican American multimedia artist and designer from Atlanta, GA. They are passionate about using art to explore diverse stories, and hope to make a positive difference for future generations. They are currently on a horror kick, as evidenced by their work in this issue—stay tuned for more of their spooky art!

ig: @nhr19_

Nikita Ladd (she/her) is a poet, creative nonfiction writer, and mapmaker based in Brooklyn, New York. She is currently an In School Programs and Partnerships Coordinator at the DreamYard Project in the Bronx. She received her BA from Wesleyan University, where she studied Neuroscience and Writing. Her work can be found online in Hunger Mountain Review, Rejection Letters, and HAD.

ig: @kita_keeta

Noelle Salaun (she/they) is an artist and poet born and raised in New York City. Salaun’s work touches on blossoming in an ever-changing and growing environment. As a Queer first-generation artist, Salaun tries to interweave her experience into nature, literature, and painting. website: noellesalaun.com ig: @the.unusual.variety

Rebecca Richardson (she/her) is a writer and illustrator based in Columbus, Ohio. She loves exploring identity through her comic and illustration work. website: byrebeccarichardson.com ig: @rebeccaismaking

Rebecka Weinsteiger (she/her) is a Queer artist based in Corvallis, Oregon. She loves working in watercolor and autobiographical comic-making, where graphic and narrative medicine meet.

ig: @wrusty_nib

Rhyker Dye (he/him) is a writer and editor from the Arkansas River Valley with a love for creative nonfiction. Most Saturday mornings, he can be found haunting local coffee shops as he writes best alongside indie albums and whispered gossip.

ig: @writingsinreverie

Risha Nicole (she/they) is a poet, author, and award-winning teaching artist from Sandusky, Ohio. Risha is the author of full-length poetry collection Without A Sound, and chapbook As long as I live you are with me. Their third upcoming collection, Dying Girl, explores religion, sexual abuse, coming-of-age, and Queer identity.

ig: @risha_nicole

R. S. Jimenez (also known as boy blue) is a first-generation immigrant who’s a writer/ poet based in Florida. Since the time the world stood still in 2020, Roger has dedicated himself to a life of storytelling. He recently earned double degrees in Film and English with a focus on screenwriting and poetry at the University of Central Florida. When he isn’t watching films or penning poems, Roger channels his creativity into technical writing and content creation for real estate companies and local businesses in Central Florida.

ig: @byboyblue

Roman Campbell (he/him) is a Trans author, friend-lover, cosplayer, coffee shop enthusiast, and cat dad whose work has been featured in Neon Arts and Literary Magazine, The Healing Muse, and Fruitslice. In his free time, he enjoys drinking an iced oat milk latte while writing fanfiction (thinking about men), reading fanfiction (thinking about men), or staring at a blank google doc and hoping words magically appear. ig: @romancampbell_

Sarah Pritchard (she/her): ecopsychotherapist, creator of poetry When Women Fly (hidden voices) After The Flood (Little Gems). Member of Playback Theatre Manchester. Host of Sale Out Loud Poetry Night at the Waterside Arts Centre in Manchester, England. website: www.space2Bnatural.co.uk

Shiloh Moore (it/she) is a poet and essayist located in the Midwest but originally from the Deep South. It processes its Lesbian and Southern identity through narratives with poetic intentions. Most days are spent lounging with her cat and turning real-life scenarios into daydreams. ig: @hydepupy

Sophia Bautista (she/her) is a Filipina Lesbian based in Los Angeles, California. As an Andres Montoya Scholar, her work has been featured in Fresno State’s Flyes, Cockroaches, and Poets. She has also been published by UC Davis’ literary magazine, UCLA’s literary magazine, The Heritage Review, and The Madrigal. ig: @sophiabautista

Sophia Townsend (they/she) born in Easton, MD, is a painter and multimedia artist. Much of her work focuses on duality through use of vibrant contrasting colors. ig: @townsendcreekart

Starly Lou Riggs (xe/they/elu) is a Queer Agender visual artist, musician, and filmmaker residing in Juiz de Fora, Brazil. A self-proclaimed freak, their work focuses on identity, surrealist world building, and challenging gender norms. Riggs was Managing Editor of Eleven PDX and has had art featured in Fotofilmic, Coy Culture, and has made work for polaroid. They released their first book, el amor es enfermo y el diablo es un sueño, in 2023 with Borderline Press and have work forthcoming in Ouch! Collective.

Taylor Michael Simmons (he/him) is an independent filmmaker, a labor organizer, a writer, a lover of film, and deeply uncomfortable with the idea of selfpresentation. He is doing his best.

Theo Crawford (they/them) is a young Black Nonbinary writer from Texas with BAs in English and Psychology from UNT. As an avid reader and lover of period dramas, much of their time is spent rewatching Pride and Prejudice (2005), reading, and drawing inspiration from other poets’ work. Their writing can be characterized as melancholic, discerning, and sensory-focused. They write almost daily because they’d lose their mind otherwise.

Tom Infection is a Trans Masc autistic artist in New Hampshire. His work discusses Queerness, neurodivergence, and whatever else catches his fancy. With a background in agriculture, sound engineering, and fishmongering, Tom is now a college student studying art and design. ig: @infectious_mold

Tuff Cretin (they/them) is an artist based in Norfolk, Virginia. They work primarily in the mediums of print and painting, and like to portray death in fluorescent colors. ig: @tuffcretin

Virginia Knight (she/her) is a writer and fashion historian based in Asheville, North Carolina. Interested in the relationship between fashion and the body, her work has appeared in The Offing, Racked, and The Fashion Studies Journal, among others. She was a finalist for the 2023 Rose Post Creative Nonfiction Contest and has been awarded residencies from Arrowmont School of Arts and Crafts.

website: www.virginiacknight.com ig: @virginiacknight

This issue was shaped by the maps we forged together, navigating both familiar paths and uncharted territories. Our deepest thanks go to those who have guided us: to the quiet wisdom found in online spaces, the stories shared under city skies, the memories woven into family gatherings, the melodies that resonate deep within our souls, and the art that inspires us to keep moving forward. You are the beacons that light our way, and for that, we are endlessly grateful.

ART BY Mars Goodwin

Thank you for charting the course with us:

• The L Word

• Tumblr

• Yahoo Answers

• Buffy the Vampire Slayer

• Rita Mae Brown

• The Lesbian masterdoc

• Writings on compulsory heterosuexuality

• My brother’s flame

• My mother’s gentle guidance

• Public transit maps

• YouTube yoga videos

• Bread recipes

• Susan Sontag: Notes on Camp

• Poetry

• Sci-fi/fantasy novels, with their endless potential for what could be

• Queer professors

• “Am I Trans?” quizzes online

• Discord servers

• Pinterest

• Horror movies

• Orange is the New Black

• Gay twitter

• Sam Sax

• Anonymous Queer group chats

• The group of Queer kids at youth group who always found each other

• The Everywhere Is Queer map

• Traveling aimlessly in a desperate search for meaning, relying on the kindness and couches of friends/friends of friends

• Writing music and stories

• Performing anywhere and everywhere

• Xena, for giving us strength

• The safe haven of English and art teachers’ classrooms

• Fanfiction

• Artsy local coffee shops

• Tegan and Sara

• Audre Lorde’s Sister Outsider

• Zami: A New Spelling of My Name

• New York City

• Queer friends’ rooftops in New York, looking at the skyline

• Cult films like Sebastiane and Pink Flamingos

• Drag at Some Thing every Friday night at The Stud in San Francisco

• Borders bookstore

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Print is not dead.

Issue 4 Fall 2024

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