56
The Carolinas’ Full Throttle Magazine
The Carolinas’ Full Throttle Magazine staff screens hundreds of jokes each month. We make no claim to being politically correct. Most PC jokes just aren’t funny. If you are offended by any of the jokes on this page, take heart in the fact that we go to great lengths to offend everyone equally. This is not a hate crime! At our house we call it “pickin” and it is symbolic of your acceptance in the group. We live in the United States Of The Offended, so get over it!!
he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary: “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?” The missionary says: “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say, ‘Thank God’ to make him go and ‘Amen’ to make him stop.” Not paying much attention, the man answers: “Sure, OK.” So he gets on the horse and says: “Thank God,” and the horse starts walking. Then he says: “Thank God, Thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says: “Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God,” and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!” Finally, he remembers: “Amen!” The horse stops four inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says: “Thank God.”
I’d rather sit than dance.” So the old biker humbly returns to his friend, “So what did she say?” asks the friend. The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on macaroni, and would rather sh!t in her pants.” When our client’s dog lapped up antifreeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle of vodka you can find,” he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. “Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.” As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”
s e k o p S & s e k o J
How come there’s no Knock Knock joke about America? Because freedom rings.
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.” She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home to give her this medication. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? “ He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man. “ The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft. “ The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!” A battery and a firework were arrested. They charged one and let the other one off.
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had avocados.”
A man has been lost and walking in the desert for about two weeks. One hot day,
During the Revolutionary war, a Lieutenant asked a soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. “Didn’t you hear me say that we’re outnumbered 4 to 1 ?” The soldier replied, “I got my four Sir.” “Well,” snarled the tough old British General Cornwallis to the bewildered soldier. “I suppose after you get discharged from the army, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.” “Not me, General!” the soldier replied. “Once I get out of the army, I’m never going to stand in line again!”
Two old bikers at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.” The other old biker replies, “well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken.” So the old biker approaches the lovely woman and says, “excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?” Seeing he is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. right now, I’m contemplating on matrimony, and
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims, .. “If the preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in relief and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!” More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the preacher stays, ..I will give him sex!” There is total silence. The preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?” Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......’Screw him!’” A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda, Google me!” Sure enough: panda: ‘a tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.’
