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Editor’s Slice Hello

As I write this I am still in mourning for the first World Cup matches played by Spain and England — I’m hoping for better results in the next ones. Failing the football I’ll be glued to the TV as Wimbledon gets underway, and hoping that Murray can work his magic again. If tennis is your thing, you’ll enjoy our ‘alternative’ Wimbledon article on page 18 about the hardworking BBGs. Have you ever wondered what those half squash/ half tennis courts are that seem to have appeared out of nowhere in the local villages? Find out how padel tennis is taking Spain by storm. Talking of storms, wasn’t that an amazing one a few weeks ago? The sky literally turned red as the lightning gave us a light show spectacular. I think that might be it for the rain this side of the autumn, so I hope you enjoy the warmer weather ahead.

In the heat, there’s nothing like a trip to the beach but before you go, read our light-hearted article on page 14! After a day like that, you will be in need of refreshment to quench your thirst as the Andalucían heatwave we call summer kicks in. Why not try the recipes on pages 30 and 31 for two easy-to-make drinks? I’m sure you are all donning your shades now too, so if you are feeling all Tom Cruise, don’t miss Grumpy’s coupon on page 47 to claim your free cocktail! Let’s hope it’s a good month for all of us — especially in the football and tennis stadiums! Till next time

Mike

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The Andalucían X5092417D Calle Juanita Romero s/n, Campillos 29320, Malaga Contact us Telephone: +34 952 723075 Mobile: +34 627 683380 info@theandalucian.com www.theandalucian.com Owner: Claire Marriott Editor: Mike Marriott 2

Special thanks to our writers and contributors Alice Marriott Diana Berryman Heather Jones John Sharrock Taylor Rafa Hidalgo Robin Savory Sarah Jackson Tricia Johnson

Next deadline: 9 July We won’t be beaten on advertising prices

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Just for Fun


Things to Do

New exhibition for keen

U3A art group

by Robin Savory

The University of the Third Age (U3A) is a worldwide non-profitmaking organisation for mature people which, according to its literature, provides lifeenhancing and life-changing opportunities for retired and semi-retired people to come together and learn together — not for qualifications, but for its own reward which is the sheer joy of discovery. The Marbella and Inland group, to which the Art group belongs, is open to English speakers of any nationality and is affiliated to the UK U3A, but remains autonomous and focuses on the interests and requirements of the members who live in and visit the area from Estepona to Calahonda on the coast and in Monda, Coin, Alhaurín el Grande, Alhaurín de la Torre and other towns and villages in the Guadalhorce Valley area.

Once again, the enthusiastic members from the Art Group of the Inland Group of the Marbella Branch of U3A are staging an exhibition of their work at a wellknown venue at Pizarra. The artists are taking about 50 of their canvasses to the historic Cortijo del Arte (see page 37), where the paintings will be on display in the reception and dining areas of this hotel, restaurant and museum. The show will display the many different styles of painting that the group produces. The exhibition opened on Friday June 13 for invited guests and will remain open to the public until July 4. Around 25 people, all of whom live in the Guadalhorce Valley, area are members of this oil painting class which is run by Julia Holley from Alhaurín de la Torre at Villafranco’s Venta la Masia every Wednesday. The class lasts for three hours, which gives adequate time for people to become very involved in their chosen piece of work and Julia’s expertise lies in all types of oil painting.

Tree by the sea by Julia Holley

This will be the fourth time this group has exhibited its work locally. There have been two exhibitions at Alhaurín el Grande’s Casa de la Cultura and there has also been one at Pizarra’s old Ayuntamiento building in the town’s Plaza de la Constitucion.

Mountain by Roy Reeves

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Things to Do The classes are attended by people who aspire to paint but have had no experience, as well as those who have painted for many years or might have painted years ago and picked up their brushes again, having come to retire in Spain. Venta La Masia is an ideal location as it is central to most of the students. So popular is the venue that Spanish lessons are held there every Thursday — some of the attendees also being members of the art class.

Horses by Bernie Hooper U3A offers a wide range of courses, lectures and activity groups, all of which are open to members wherever they live. Pursuits include walking, painting, writing, bird watching, photography and astronomy and patchwork, as well as social groups. The group’s president, Allan Edwards, said: “The association has more than 560 members who variously take part in more than 40 courses or group activities. We are constantly seeking individuals to share their particular interest as leaders of new groups in these geographical areas. All assistance will be given.”

Woman by Liz Allen While officially, the U3A does not hold classes during the summer, the Julia Holley class will continue each week until the September re-enrolment because of its popularity — not just as an art class, but as a meeting place for friends who can discuss their techniques over a glass of wine and a tapa or menu del dia once the class has finished.

There is an extensive website http://www.u3a. es/ and the email address is info@u3a.es — the website is quite easy to navigate, and has a list of contacts and email addresses for those who may be interested. Recruitment is during the autumn and it costs 40€ per couple or 25€ per person for the first year, which reduces to 10€ per person thereafter.

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5


Things to Do

The “June Tunes” charity

cabaret show

T.O.P.S. (The Occasional Production Society) is putting on the glitz for a fabulous charity cabaret night on Friday 27th June at Venta La Recta (on the Grande – Torre Road), Alhaurín el Grande. The show starts at 9pm, but if you feel like having a meal before the show starts, then why not take advantage of the special price for a two-course meal for just 7€? This will be available from 7.30pm (payable directly to the restaurant). The show promises to be a lively evening of entertainment with popular songs ranging from classics, country and western and ballads to up-beat numbers. In fact, there’s something for everyone and if this wasn’t enough for one night, all this will be followed by a disco so you can dance the night away.

Tickets (for the show only) are priced at only 6€.

Why not come along and join the amazing T.O.P.S. for a relaxed, fun and friendly evening?

For more information about where tickets can be purchased, telephone Cath on 952 112 057.

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Donations from the proceeds of this show (and all our other shows held throughout this year) will be shared equally between three local charities at the end of the year.

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Just for Fun

Twenty teasers - mixed bag of mind-blowing questions 1. Whose hits include ‘I Shot the Sheriff’, ‘Lay down Sally’ and ‘Tears in Heaven’? 2. Algophobia is a fear of what?

9. Before 2012, in what year did Britain last host the Summer Olympics?

3. What was Miss Marple’s first name?

10. Which two main London railway stations have the word cross in their names? 11. What type of beans would you find in a tin of baked beans? 12. Which famous building would you find on the front of an HP Sauce bottle? 13. What colour is zero on a roulette wheel? 14. What colour were ET’s eyes? 15. What is the correct term for a female elephant? 16. In the nursery rhyme ‘Jack and Jill’, what did Jack bind his head with?

4. In maths, what is 4 cubed? 5. Who won the Wimbledon men’s singles championship every year between 1976 and 1980? 6. Who is attributed with the quote “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”

17. Who was on the British throne at the time of the Spanish Armada? 18. Which actress plays Isobel Crawley in the TV series Downton Abbey? 19. A ‘BCG’ is a vaccination against which disease?

7. In computing, what does HTML stand for?

20. Who was ‘Sitting on the dock of the bay’ in 1967?

8. Who wrote the original book of Jurassic Park?

Answers can be found on page 38.

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7


Spotlight

The exploding bus

driver

by John Sharrock Taylor

John Sharrock Taylor continues his tale of ‘reality’ – or least his recollections of it as a student in the 1960s before he entered a career in teaching. After a spell as a ‘Barman’s Bottom Knocker’ in a linoleum factory in Lancashire, he did a stint ‘on the buses’ with some similarly chaotic results... I was relieved that the ‘Scammell Man’ and I had managed to avoid the expected explosion but the same could not be said of my next foray into the real world, which happened the following summer when I did a stint on the Ribble buses. In those civilised days, buses had conductors. The driver’s job was reckoned to be stressful enough without his having to collect the tuppences in addition to avoiding the cyclists, though nowadays he does all three, sometimes with tragic results. On the buses of my youth, the same driver and conductor normally acted as a team, but as relief conductors during the holiday period we students worked with a variety of mates. My favourite two drivers were Jock and Vincent and they couldn’t have been more different, though they both treated me cordially, shared their thick sandwiches and bought me pint mugs of tea that were even thicker than the butties. Jock was Glaswegian and spoke a breakneck variety of Scots; it was fortunately impenetrable because it included very many expletives. Vincent, a calm, gentle, softlyspoken young Catholic paterfamilias, only ever swore once in my hearing, but to great effect. The last bus from Wigan to St Helens on a Saturday night, crowded with drunken clubbers, was never any crew’s favourite, and the whole of our shift had been particularly trying. No less than three previous buses had broken down under us and had to be towed away, to the annoyance of the stroppier passengers who of course took it out on the hapless crew. And now, on the thinly-populated stretch of road between Orrell Moor and Billinge, it looked as if mutiny was about to break out. ‘What wilt tha do, lad, if we all get agate smashin’ thi buzz up?’ asked one reveller, with an unpleasant leer.

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I adopted both a quarterdeck stance and the tone of Captain Bligh informing Mr Christian that a keelhauling was high on the agenda: ‘Well, the Ribble Transport training manual says “Take off the ticket machine, attach it firmly to the forearm with the leather strap and beat the delinquent over the head with it.” Your choice.’ ‘Nay, nay, lad. Ah wuz only jokin’.’ ‘Ahm not jokin’!’ interjected a strident female voice. ‘From Orrell Post to Billinge Lower Rant is only fivepence ha’penny and you’ve charged me a tanner.’ ‘Sorry. Just give me a couple of minutes to finish collecting the fares and I’ll give you your change.’ ‘You’ll do no such thing. I want my ha’penny and I want it now.’ ‘Please be patient and I’ll be with you in a second.’ ‘Patient? Patient, he sez! Will I heckerslike! I want my ha’penny. I’ve met your type before. A ha’penny here, a ha’penny there and you’ll be making a pretty penny on th’ side.’ I raised my voice to a pitch suitable for hailing the maintop in a hurricane: ‘Does anybody apart from this ‘lady’ want to get off at Billinge Lower Rant? No? Good, because we’re not stopping there.’ I didn’t have time to put my threat into action because it was at this point that our 97-horsepower diesel chose, with an almighty bang, to throw a connecting rod through the side of the engine block. In silence, we rolled to an ignominious halt, trailing streamers of hot oil across the tarmac. Then Vincent spoke, more in sorrow than in anger and with perfect diction: ‘That’s the third flipping bus that’s gone tits up this shift.’ It wasn’t in Vincent’s nature to explode and it’s fortunate that when our colleague Jock detonated a few days later, nobody but I understood what he said, because there would certainly have been complaints

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Spotlight and possibly sackings. It was that rare kind of British summer day when the temperature has already climbed into the 90s by mid-morning. We were trundling sedately along the A49 towards Eccleston with a chattering cargo of pleasantly buxom farmers’ wives. Jock, thoroughly at peace with the world, was controlling the steering wheel with one hand and working greedily with the other to extract the last few puffs from his current Woodbine. Finally, realising that there were no more carcinogens to be savoured, he dropped the dog-end on the steel floor of the cab. Unfortunately, some careless mechanic back at the depot had left a wad of oil-soaked cotton waste in exactly the right spot to cause the most trouble. The hot day had vapourised the oil and as soon as Jock dropped his fag, there was a whoosh and a sheet of flame which boded fair to fry him where he sat. Jock slammed on the brakes and leapt clear. Quickly realising that the flammable vapour had exhausted itself, he reached back into the cab and grabbed the fire extinguisher with the idea of soaking the smouldering remnants of cotton waste and making all safe. The extinguisher turned out to be a dud but fortunately, there was another Ribble bus coming in

the opposite direction, carrying both a serviceable extinguisher and a deeply-disapproving inspector who rapidly put paid to the remains of our fire and gave Jock a hearty rollocking for smoking on duty. Now the only thing still smouldering was Jock’s temper, as he drove on in silence towards Eccleston, sitting in a pool of foam. Two minutes later our extinguisher, which had sullenly refused to function when needed, exploded down the back of his neck.

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9


Spotlight

The colourful life of the ball boys Many still believe that the teenagers who appear as Wimbledon’s ball boys and girls (affectionately known as BBGs) are picked to participate simply by invitation as they are all from local children’s homes — but this could not be further from the truth. These days, the youngsters are mainly from 30 local state and private schools and are handpicked by their head teachers. They have to partake in a highly-regimented training routine, have impeccable manners and the ability to know how to stand still – statue-still! This is the only way they will be chosen. Back in the 1920s until the outbreak of WW2, the Shaftsbury Children's' Home supplied the ball boys for the tournament. No girls back then — not until 1977 and it wasn’t until 1985 that the girls were allowed on Centre Court. In 1947, when Wimbledon re-opened after the war, Golding’s Home took over in supplying the lads and continued to be the only Dr Barnardo's home who did so. In the months leading up to Wimbledon, Golding’s would have the boys training on the famous grass courts. Of the 300 boys at the home there was only 50 who would make the grade and be chosen to be ball boys. In the late 50s, the training moved to the purpose-made hard courts; a decade later and the number of the boys needed increased to 100 for the first week of the tournament. One of the great claims to fame, having succeeded at being one of the chosen few, was to be seen by their friends at the local cinema on old black and white Pathé News reports. The biggest thrill of all was not meeting the tennis player of the day, but to see yourself on a black and white TV! Some boys did get the sack, and were never seen at Wimbledon again. The reasons ranged from reselling dubiously-obtained tickets, being drunk and selling used tennis balls – and all without eBay! There was a story of a boy who received two nasty bites from a grey squirrel which had decided to have a run-about on centre court and stopped play — even this poor 15-year-old was given his marching orders as he didn’t remain still.

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The world’s press hounds would always try to get some boys to make a comment about the tennis and the next day’s editions would carry such headlines as ‘A Wimbledon spokesperson said…’ but this was usually one of Golding’s claiming his moment in the spotlight. With only a third of the home’s 300 resident boys given the prestigious job for the summer, the competition was fierce amongst them. The chosen boys had to be willing to give up two weeks of school and school food. This was seen a tough choice and reports say ‘they really had to think long and hard’ about it. For those who had been chosen, training started about a month before the big day. It consisted of learning how to react fast and accurately to retrieve a ball after it had hit the net; the art of throwing tennis balls accurately to the serving player; to remain perfectly immobile whilst play was in progress and attending lectures of what to say if a member of the press asked a question — the answer to give was always "no comment". They did not receive any instruction or testing on how to keep the score. If your position was at the back of the court, you had to dodge the occasional tennis ball and be a bit of a mindreader on how many balls the player wanted for that service. Then, you had the player who had taken a dislike of one of the tennis balls, despite them all looking the same. One lad at training is reported to have said ‘white and round with no square edges’ – he didn’t get picked for that year! Another boy rolled the ball instead of throwing it for a 2p wager — the photo of this event was used all round the western world. The boys even had to look after the officials on court; one boy had to give a line judge a wake-up call in a first-round match in 1964 after he’d had one too many the night before.

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Spotlight adulation (I was asked for my autograph once) it was also a time to make some money. In my final year I was made head ball boy and my duties were to patrol the various courts, ensuring that the boys were conducting themselves in a manner that would bring credit to the school. I used to see to it that a certain number of balls from each court got 'lost' so that they could then be offered to the public at a mere 15/ a set. Suggestions that the balls had been used by such stars as Rod Laver and Maria Bueno helped ensure a lively trade!’

Talking of drink, the drinks within the umpire’s chair had to be kept tidy at all times with the labels facing towards the front. They consisted of three bottles of squash and chilled water that the net ball boys also had to serve to the players, but the boys were not allowed to drink on court. But rules were there to be broken — or so thought the Goldings’ boys — and one lad lost his Wimbledon privilege and was sent back to the home for taking a drink during a break.

During the weeks leading up to Wimbledon, Golding’s suddenly became the best-behaved school in England and in 1966, British Pathé News came to film the training. The boys had to impress the teachers as it was they who would choose who went. The teachers took it in turns to be escorts for the occasion and one ex-housemaster wrote ‘As the boys were under the direction of the Wimbledon staff, we didn't have much to do except watch the best games. We got to see the best of Wimbledon without having to buy a ticket — great days’.

One boy wrote in the Barnardo Guild: ‘Wimbledon was the highlight of the year. Besides basking in the brief spell of publicity and occasional public

So if the teachers received such benefits — what about the boys? Continued on page 12

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11


Spotlight The money paid for one week as a ball boy in 1946 was £1 5 shillings (£1.25); 1958 it rose to £2.10 shillings (£2.50) and in 1965 you could earn a whopping £3.10 shillings (£3.50). To put things into perspective, the boys used to get about 6 bob (35p) per week pocket money in 1965.

These days BBGs receive around £200 for travel and expenses and they get to keep their uniforms (worth around £150). Selling players’ sweatbands to the spectators fetched a couple of bob (between 5 and 10p) or that of a top-ranked player would warrant 10 bob (50p). Selling the used tennis balls — mainly to Americans — also carried a 10 bob price tag for a box of six. Now this little sideline really was wrong as it was stealing! Selling unused photos from the press room also fetched 2 bob, and also used tickets obtained from people who were leaving and had not placed them in the box for charity were also sold. The days of the Golding’s ball boys are long gone, but not forgotten. Golding’s supplied ball boys for 20 years until it closed for business. It was in the same year that the new batch of eager youngest were provided again from the Shaftsbury children's home. The new stock were given new uniforms — the longsleeved starchy old grey things for the Golding’s boys had gone, as was the black and white footage; with the new era came new ball boys and also the first year the BBC transmitted in full colour.

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Charity News

Urgent plea for Coulou

by Rafa Hidalgo

I would like to introduce you to 24-year-old Malianborn Coulou Coulibaly. Coulou grew up in Sola, a small village in Mali. Without a local school, he was never taught to read. However, he had dreams of a better life. Shortly after giving birth to his younger brother, Coulou’s mother passed away after a month of illness — believed to be the same disease from which Coulou is suffering now. Leaving behind his father and two remaining siblings, Coulou managed to scrape together the money to book his passage on a boat to the Canary Islands. Halfway through the trip, 15 of his 80 travelling companions perished from dehydration, so it was with much relief that the remaining passengers reached the Canarian shore. I first met him after he had moved to Spain when he began working on the olive harvesting and fruitpicking in Huelva and Lérida — all irregularly, and under the command of unscrupulous employers who abuse these people who have no papers. As time went on, his wages were just enough to pay his expenses and whatever was left, he was able to send home to his family. Coulou was in the process of legalising his situation here in Spain when last June, whilst in his shack in Huelva which he shares with hundreds of other Sub-Saharan Africans, he fell drastically ill with fever, convulsions and paralysis in parts of his body. Tests revealed cancer in his blood. As he doesn´t have any economic resources or family here to care for him, Social Services have housed him at the Red Cross Migration Centre in Puente Genil, where he is under the medical care of The Reina Sofía Hospital in Córdoba. He is accompanied by volunteers to hospital whenever needed. The most serious incident occurred last winter when he contracted the influenza A virus, which he overcame. Despite having received fantastic care and attention, undergoing both chemotherapy and radiotherapy, Coulou remains seriously ill. The only option left is a bone marrow transplant from a fully-matched donor.

(Friends of Malí). They have been to his village and taken a blood sample from each of his siblings, but getting these samples to Spain has proved difficult owing to health protocols. Thanks to contacts and the goodwill of a doctor who travels frequently between Mali and Spain, the samples finally arrived at Reina Sofía Hospital in Córdoba. After analysis, the good news is that Bafjalo, Coulou’s 18-year-old sister, is fully compatible with him. To undergo the transplant and treatment, Bafjalo has to come to Spain. The embassy is processing a visa for the three months she will need to be in the country for the transplant and post-operative care. The Red Cross is providing her living expenses and accommodation in a flat in Córdoba, but they cannot meet her transport costs — 900€ is needed for her return flight. This is where I appeal to your generosity in order to raise Bafjalo’s travel expenses as soon as possible. Please help if you can with any donation — however small. Simply pay into the Caja Rural de Granada account: ES66-3023-0173-14-6052549109. For more information, please contact Rafa via email at mures.rafa@gmail.com

Social workers from Puente Genil Centre have contacted his family in Mali through the charities Médicos Sin Fronteras and the ONG Amigos de Malí

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13


Men’s Matters

Let’s go to the beach!

by ‘A Man’

It's summer, school’s out soon or the relatives are on their annual visit and HEY! Why didn't somebody warn me when I had kids I'd have to do something with them when they're not in school? Or just as stressful, something with the summer visitors who chose my house rather than a package holiday? Well, I'm here to warn YOU! And the best thing to do with a passel of sweaty, bored little kids or demanding family members on a hot summer day is... TAKE 'EM TO THE BEACH! Whoa, there, Nelly! Not so fast! Be smart and take a few beach-going tips from an old pro. Going to the beach with your loved ones today isn't like it was in the olden days when I was a kid. What with the ever-growing hole in the ozone layer, toxic Red Tide, washed-up medical waste, the insidious plans of jellyfish and more than one new law regarding the appropriate place where you have to put on a tee-shirt and shoes, you'd better be prepared! Here's a handy list of some of the things you might want to bring along to enhance your day at the beach. Towels, and plenty of 'em! Beach blanket on which to play bingo or cards. Beach toys. A large umbrella for shade. A well-stocked picnic basket and cool box. Sunscreen. More towels! A book or magazine to hide behind. An entrenching tool. Bucket for collecting all those wonderful beachfound treasures. Lots of complicated folding chairs — none of which unfold the same way as any of the others. Your imagination. More towels. Cyanide capsules.

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WELCOME TO THE BEACH! After a longish, cramped, unpleasant car trip, let us assume you and your party have arrived at the beach with no major injuries. Have your spouse pick a random patch of sand extremely far from where you parked, while you see if you can carry every single thing you brought with you in one trip. Why? Because one thing I've learned from an awful lot of parenting is: kids won't help you. Beat them if you want, it only gets you arrested these days, and it won't get you one step closer to the water. Did you bring your flip-flops? I didn't put them on the list to test you and also because it makes me laugh thinking about what comes next. Did you know that after just a few hours of direct exposure to the sun’s rays, common beach sand can reach temperatures of 6000 degrees Kelvin? It's a scientific fact, even though no-one knows what 'Kelvin' is. We do know it's hot enough to melt a dad's foot right up to the shinbones. Don't you wish you'd picked that beach with the hand-made pallet walkway? WOW, did your spouse ever pick a really faraway spot! I bet she brought her flip-flops! SETTING UP Whilst your family are off frolicking in the waves, take a moment to set up camp. It's easy! One good idea is to first plant your beach umbrella thing. On the other hand, sunstroke makes kids more bearable! Next, unfold any one of the incredibly complicated new beach chairs your spouse bought out of hatred, and be sure to catch your finger in between two metal rods, or else you're doing it wrong! Know what's great for a cut finger? Sand. HAVE SOME FUN Don’t kid yourself that you came here for relaxation. Get the hell up and make your kids a sand castle, for God's sake! Make some memories. Be sure it's huge, intricate and definitely better than any other

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Men’s Matters sand castle on the beach because anything else pretty much says 'inadequate father'. And let the kids help — what, is it your sand castle or their sand castle? Don't just make them get buckets of water or build retaining walls either. I see what you're up to, Michelangelo, but let them help with the main parts even though yes, now your sand castle looks like a blind chimp made it. Now get ready for the real fun, which is preventing the little sweethearts from wrecking the whole thing, which is absolutely all they want to do. Look at them, trembling like pint-sized spin dryers!

Make a big speech about how the whole entire point of building a sand castle is to let the tide get it; that if you do it any other way you completely miss the metaphor and no spiritual growth takes place at all. Go ahead and get good and loud when they start to get bored, because this is really important, damn it — and then notice that the tide is actually going out and only your youngest child is even still there; the look on his/her face might be sympathy but is more likely contempt or just plain bone stupidity. Okay, now you can cry.

C’MON DAD, WHEN ARE WE GOING TO SWIM? ISN'T THAT WHAT WE CAME HERE FOR?

Sea water can be very murky, which means there could be absolutely any kind of creature swimming straight towards you and you'd never know until it was too late. Also, as soon as you go out above your head, you have no way of knowing how deep the water is. Maybe you're floating over some terrible gash in the earth's crust, miles and miles deep. Just imagine what might be coming up out of the blind bowels of the earth with its mouth open as you stupidly tread water? Now think about this: if you had a microscope with you while swimming, you'd soon find that in any given drop of ocean water, there are seventeen billion horrible spiny creatures, many of them small enough to swim right into your pores, let alone your other, larger bodily holes. Continued on page 16.

IS IT TIME TO SWIM YET? There are only two types of beaches on this planet. The first type features absolutely no surf at all, the water is slightly more vigorous than your evening bath and any child out of nappies will hate you for bringing them there. The other type of beach has 18 foot waves and rip tide, and the instant any parent takes their eyes off the kid it's a bloated corpse halfway to the Canaries. Oh wait, I forgot, there is one other kind with moderate surf but the water is full of the kind of jellyfish that sting so badly you risk drowning yourself to escape the pain whilst peeing on the sting — you are sure you read somewhere that helps. CAN WE SWIM NOW, DADDY? Remember when you were a kid at the beach and some atrociously speckled old aunt insisted you couldn't swim for half an hour after eating because you'd get cramps and drown? It turns out that's just an old wives’ tale and the fact is, you can get those kinds of cramps when swimming at any time with no warning at all.

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Men’s Matters OH GOD, WHERE ARE THE KIDS? Here's a fact, Jacques Cousteau. Human children cannot survive under water. Is a moment of personal relaxation really worth taking your eyes off your child for even an instant, considering the sea is known to be God's own huge bowl of death? Why the hell did you even bring them here? What are you? Wondering why Spouse can't watch them for a few damn minutes so you can just swim a little bit? I'll tell you why. Her eyes were averted as every man on this entire beach looks substantially better than you do in a bathing suit!

THE WONDERS OF NATURE One way to keep your kids from the deadly clutches of the sea is to walk along its edge collecting stuff. No, no, not with a metal detector! Those things are strictly for Alzheimer's patients and you need a licence here anyway. No-one in human history has ever found anything worth more than five cents with one of those, which is why your father never got you one for Christmas even though you asked every year. It doesn't prove he never loved you, and giving in and buying yourself one would be just pathetic. It's much better to buy your own child one this Christmas and make them use it the next summer, instead of letting them risk their lives swimming. Really get into it; drive them up and down the beach for hours and hours and when neither of you find anything more exciting than a rusty nail you can think about what you've done. THE WONDERS OF NATURE, ATTEMPT TWO It's amazing the things the tide brings in. Seashells, bits of stick, seaweed, beautiful polished rocks that when you bring them home dry to the uniform grey colour of your soul; dead crabs, decomposing unidentifiable sea creatures, cigarette butts, odd flip flops, fishhooks, the occasional human femur. Don’t study your finds too closely as you start to feel like all your hopes and dreams just washed up on the shore, and the sea hasn’t been kind to them. Isn't it ironic how your tears are salty, just like the sea? Now explain to your kids why daddy is crying again.

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SKIN CANCER Because you didn't adequately sunscreen your kids, that's how they'll die. You. You. You did it. Don't try to blame Spouse. In your heart you know it was your responsibility and you've failed them again. Did you know when you hold a shell to your ear you can hear the ocean calling you? If you don’t put the kids in a factor 50, follow the calling! PACKING UP Boy, those summer thunderstorms just come out of nowhere, don't they? Run to the car, kids! Run, run, run. Spouse, go with them. The car's locked and you have the keys. Now it's just you, the torrential rain, the stinging windswept sand and all your gear. You had a good time, right? Trudging back through the storm carrying everything is just the price you pay for a swell time. A swell time for the family. You can think about them as you trek slowly across the flat, flat sand — the single highest point in a thunderstorm, carrying a folded beach umbrella on a long, metal pole.

Once you get home, you can all breathe a sigh of relief – all your kids have been headcounted in and out of the car, the family visitors had a nice time — better than any package tour they could have booked — but they are sorry they left your towels on the beach when the weather changed. You sit down and smile to yourself that you didn’t need the cyanide capsule this year – you’ve had worse days out. You reach into your sand-covered cool box for your first beer of the day, get ready to take the first bite of your grainy dried-up ham sandwich just as you hear your old aunt saying ‘same time next year…’ now where’s the cyanide?

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Things to Do

Calling all actors...

TAPAS auditions

Fancy treading the boards? Why not audition for TAPAS’s November production of the farcical comedy Key for Two. The production is a happy collaboration between two writers who are both known for writing wellcrafted comedies — particularly for television. John Chapman has also written jointly with Ray Cooney, whose plays have been very successful commercially in the last few years. They are the 80s equivalent of Georges Feydeau and Ben Travers, and write scripts that make money and laughter by making fun of personal situations. They remind us that theatre doesn't have to keep pushing out to the edges of human experience. Plays like "Key for Two" are fun for fun's sake, in which the characters witlessly work themselves into ridiculous situations and then wittily work their way out. None come wittier or wilier than Harriet. The situation she has worked herself into is a most comfortable one and she has two generous and grateful benefactors to thank. The two men in question need to be kept apart so they may be thanked with the required sincerity and efficiency. As the action develops, the men come closer and closer to seeing each other, and to seeing themselves in a truer light. And Harriet comes closer to having her cover blown, although she can sidestep with the agility of a great gymnast. Every time fate turns against her, she contrives some ingenuous defence strategy.... but a cat only has nine lives, surely?

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Characters Harriet: Glamorous, feminine (leading lady) Gordon: Runs a successful advertising agency Alec: Yorkshire, big, bluff owner of trawler fleet Anne: Smart, bright personality Richard: Anne’s estranged husband, drinker Magda: Imperious, Gordon’s wife Mildred: Yorkshire, wife of Alec Auditions are being held at 4pm on Wednesday June 25 at Los Arcos on the Coin/Cartama Road. Play rehearsals will start on Wednesday September 3 at 4pm. If you require any further information, please contact TAPAS via the website www.tapassociety. com or email info@tapassociety.com. Don’t miss the next production from TAPAS — Who Killed the Mad Scientist? For more details see page 38.

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Useless things you just don’t need to know about... People with higher incomes generally prefer their toilet paper to come over the roll, while those with lower incomes prefer it to go under. A jiffy is an actual unit of time, not just an expression. The lint that collects in the bottom of your pockets has a name — gnurr. The founders of Hewlett-Packard flipped a coin to determine whose name would come first in the company. Sigmund Freud once believed that cocaine could be used to help treat morphine addiction. NASA had to rename the sizes of the apparatus used for male astronauts to pee, from small, medium, and large, to large, gigantic, and humongous, because no one was willing to pick their true size.

Just for Fun

In the 14th century, French officials executed a pig in public which was charged with having eaten an infant. A cubic inch of bone is about four times as strong as concrete. Camels have three eyelids to help protect themselves from sand blowing into their eyes. The world’s oldest chewing gum dates back at least 5,000 years. An ostrich’s brain is approximately the same size as its eyeball. The ideal height for you to drop your buttered toast from if you want it to land butter side up is eight feet.

Flamingos get their colour from the carotenoid pigments in the foods that they eat, like algae and shrimp. The line between the two numbers in a fraction is called the vinculum. You can get a rough estimate of the temperature in Fahrenheit by counting the number of times a cricket chirps in 15 seconds, then adding 37. Scientists accidentally killed the world’s oldest animal while trying to do research on it. If you type in 52.376552, 5.198303 on Google Maps, zoom into the photo in Street View and you can see what is allegedly two guys dragging a dead body into a lake. After each player has moved three times in a chess match, there are 121 million possible routes that the match could follow. A standard 3x3 Rubik’s cube has 43,252,003,274,489,856,000 different possible configurations. The verb form of the word “run” has been calculated to have almost 650 different meanings.

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Health & Beauty

Tramps aren’t spotty!

by Heather Jones

You only get one face — so you might as well look after it! Someone once said to me, ‘I’m not one of those women who double cleanses, tones and slaps cream on twice a day – after all, tramps aren’t spotty!’ Well, I have never been that close to a tramp to take any notice of their skin condition but I have worked in the beauty industry and I am a stickler for my skin routine. Here’s another gem I have heard over the years… ‘Although skincare is important, anybody who religiously CTMs (cleanses, tones and moisturises) morning and night quite frankly needs to look at their lifestyle and wonder.’ Well, OK I’ve done it... who hasn’t? Come home the worse for wear and fallen straight into bed without having even brushed my teeth — never mind applied some multi-vitamin gel to my wrinkles with a pipette. I guess some would say it is mandatory every once in a while, but it should by no means be the norm!

'Do I really need to cleanse in the mornings?' I don't really have a polite answer to that, to be honest. Why WOULDN'T you? Who doesn't wash their face? I mean really? I don't know about you, but especially in this warmer climate, I often wake up with a lovely glow in the mornings — maybe you do too? It's called sweat. Please wash your face — especially with all that cheek kissing we do! If you want to use toner, now is the time. I have converted to a cleanser with a toner incorporated for speed but I still do my religious three-step CTM a few times a week – it feels so much fresher. The jury is out, but many believe that toner is just a skin guru’s spin to buy another product, so I am a firm believer that if you don’t want to tone – don’t.

Wipes are the ultimate "lazy girl" product with which you can CTM in one simple swipe but unless there is no other choice, I wouldn’t touch them. To me, they are only used for emergencies or babies’ backsides! You are not washing – you are wiping; I do not want to spread gunk around my face but each to their own, I guess. If I can change one thing about your routine — please don’t use baby wipes! Swap to beauty wipes — at least they are for your face! Prep your skin for the day ahead Taking care of your skin in the morning is no different to having a shower before you put clean knickers on. You may think this is obvious but when I worked in a beauty salon, I was regularly asked by people,

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Eye cream - don't apply your eye cream last. No matter how carefully you apply your serums/ moisturisers you will always get some in the eye area and then your eye cream won't absorb where you want it to. So, eye cream first. Everything else afterwards (and on top if you like; it's not a contraindication). Moisturiser - choose your moisturiser by your skin type, not condition. It is your coat/protection. People tend to spend far too long choosing their moisturiser and far too little time taking care of what they do to their face before the cream touches their skin. For example, if you use a quick swipe of a wipe and then slap on a 150€ face cream, it’s no wonder that your skin isn't great.

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Continued on page 22


Health & Beauty Remember, nothing 'mattifying'. Skin is not designed to be 'matte'. Harsh but true — your skin has plenty of time to be matte when you're dead. Surely you want a healthy glow — however alive you may or may not feel! Whatever suitable moisturiser you are using, after cleansing and toning is the time to whack it on. And how much? I have a big face (yes thank you) so I tend to be heavy handed — aim for around a 10p size. Adjust according to your face, obviously… less is more.

Your skin does not have an on/off switch like your TV; it is repairing itself 24 hours a day. Your face is not being bombarded with sunlight, dirt, aggressors etc at night so you get the treatments in while they actually have a better chance of them being effective. The only time I don't double cleanse is if I have been indoors all day and have applied neither SPF nor makeup. If you wear SPF you need to double cleanse. A lot of people who think they are allergic to SPF because it breaks them out are simply not taking the time to wash it off properly. Take the time to remove it, as you would make-up.

SPF - I always recommend a separate SPF. I just don't think a moisturiser with added SPF is going to do much to benefit the skin. SPF — both chemical and physical — is a dominating ingredient and I would never buy an expensive anti-ageing moisturiser with SPF — you're paying for an expensive SPF! Buy a good moisturiser and a reasonably-priced SPF. Job done. Also, I think an anti-ageing moisturiser with SPF15 gives a false sense of security. If you apply it in the morning and sit out in the sun at lunchtime, you will not be protected. If you want – or have — to be in the sun, use a dedicated facial SPF.

Using the same flannel from the morning is fine. Then put your flannel in the wash – use a clean one daily. Spray hydrate/tone — this is one step you don't have to do at night. I do, because I love it, and I'm a firm believer of sandwiching moisture in wherever possible. But it's up to you. Eye cream — as above. If you suffer from puffy eyes, try using a serum/gel in the evening.

And no, you cannot use an SPF instead of a moisturiser. That's like going out all day with a raincoat on and only underwear underneath. Unless this is your everyday outfit of choice, I suggest you wear actual clothes (moisturiser) underneath your raincoat (SPF)! Double cleansing – do I need to do this? Ideally,YES! The main point of your evening routine is to help your skin to help itself. 'Your skin repairs itself at night' is the biggest old wives’ tale out there about beauty. It’s nonsense. And please don't get me started on 'your skin sleeps at night'. No. YOU sleep at night!

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Treatments — my favourite step. This should be your main skincare expense. Have at least three products which you can alternate and use depending on your skin's needs: richer in winter to really feed your skin, and hydrating in the summer. Ask for items for birthdays and Christmas if you are budgeting.

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Health & Beauty Aim for a good facial oil, and a good anti-ageing treatment (anything with vitamin A/retinol for example), or whatever you need for your skin. A product with vitamin A is great for helping with skin that has been exposed to sun. Whether or not you use a night-time moisturiser is dependent on what treatment you use. If your treatment is IN your moisturiser, you're done. Personally, I am a fan of the 'piling it on lightly' approach. All this 'cleanse and then just let your skin breathe' publicity really winds me up — your skin will breathe regardless of whether you put product on it or not.

of the best products do the hard work for you while you sleep. Overnight hair treatments, face masks and foot creams give your beauty regime an added boost, with results noticeable the next morning. As a final tip and for a touch of indulgence, here’s a beauty secret that celebs have known about for decades… silk pillowcases! They are kinder to delicate facial skin than cotton and their smoothness can prevent premature ageing as well as the dreaded sleep crease — this still isn’t an excuse not to CTM at night time though!

Sometimes, less is really not more. Using only one cleanser and one moisturiser is like having one pair of shoes; if you can afford it, have more than one. It's no secret that women are busier than ever before; they want to look good, but have limited time available to them. Sometimes, you just can't be bothered with the effort. Try applying "lazy girl" principles to your night-time beauty routine. Some

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Book Review

From sequins to

sunshine

by Diana Berryman

Having read Lorna Penfold’s partner Alan Parks’ books about their life in Spain on their alpaca farm, I was very much looking forward to reading Lorna’s book ‘From Sequins to Sunshine’ — their story but from a woman’s point of view. Lorna has a real knack for story-telling. Her truthful and funny approach to her adventures when moving to Spain makes the book very readable, and you feel like you know her before you meet her. It is a very honest tale, written as it happened and you can feel the spirit that binds her family when they are going through the tough times. It shows that it isn’t easy to emigrate — particularly to Spain — but mixed in with the bad times are numerous joyful and very personal good times, too. Lorna makes you feel welcome as you join her in the story of her life. You get to know her and feel her highs and lows with every step she takes. It is an emotional, heart-warming and in places, an absolutely hilarious read. If these people can overcome what they have been through then I think they must be invincible! It is quite obvious that Lorna and Alan are huge animal lovers, and their tale is an inspiration to others. If you have enjoyed Alan’s books, I can assure you that Lorna tells it in a very different way, so don’t miss out on this wonderful adventure from the dancing teacher turned alpaca trainer – well, nearly!

Lorna tells us a bit about herself… “Seven years ago I was running a successful dance school in Brighton in the UK. Little did I know that suddenly I would become a tad unwell and our lives would change dramatically. Now, my other half Alan and I live in a renovated olive mill in the province of Cordoba. It's rural, stunning, too hot in summer and ridiculously cold in winter but we love it. We are surrounded by olive trees and little else. At last count, living here with us are eight alpacas, five dogs, four cats and two chickens. I began writing a blog when we first arrived. It began as fun but it can be pretty therapeutic — especially if we have weeks of rain with no electricity (we are off grid) or problems with our motley crew of pets. I recently published Year 1 of my blog as an ebook. I'm chuffed to bits because people have bought it and seem to like it! It's called ‘From Sequins to Sunshine’.”

Highly recommended. *Warning: those of a sensitive nature may need tissues.

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You can buy ‘From Sequins to Sunshine’ in Kindle format on Amazon.co.uk.es and .com Visit her blog: www.lornaslifeinspain.blogspot.com And her Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/ LornasLifeInSpain Alan’s books can be found on Amazon. Simply search for: Seriously Mum, What's an Alpaca?:An Adventure in the Frying Pan of Spain and his second helping, Seriously Mum, Where's that Donkey?

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Charity News

The top of the CHAIN

of charity shops

Having started in 2009, CHAIN (Charity for Animals in Need) is five years on in helping Spain’s abused and neglected animals.

Working closely with its Spanish neighbours, the volunteer network recognises that Spain is its adopted home and it respects the local culture and traditions. With this in mind, CHAIN was initially set up to help all registered animal charities and refuges, and any other animal-related worthy causes. With its large shop based at La Trocha Centro in Coin (next to the BP garage) CHAIN maintains a very high standard for its donated goods and offers a number of concessions selling new goods, where the sellers donate between 10-25 per cent of their takings to the charity. With its dedicated library, designer rail and very competitively priced pet products and medications, you would be forgiven in thinking there wasn’t much more space to display other items. You would be

wrong — it also has gifts, garden furniture, children’s gardening kits and beautiful handmade jewellery available. Visit the store to experience not only the quality and selection of goods available, but feel the sense of the community on offer too. It is this wonderful community calling that helped to inspire local man George Mitchell to raise funds for the non profitmaking cause. As we featured in last month’s issue, George recently completed a run from Fuengirola to Gibraltar in aid of the animal charity. Completing the course in a gruelling 27 hours George raised an amazing 207€. CHAIN will consider all requests for help and has a committee of people who prioritise the requests and make arrangements to procure goods and services. The charity uses its bulk buying power to secure the best deals for everyone’s limited funds. Mainly operating throughout the Costa del Sol region and within the Andalucían Animal Network, CHAIN also has an open accounts policy. At any time you are welcome to view the accounts to see what has been raised and how the money is spent. You can also see the ever-growing total on this wonderful charity’s website: www.chaininspain.net All those involved in CHAIN are volunteers and give up their time to help as they believe in our work. Although CHAIN itself does not have refuges, it works with lots of charities and can help you to arrange an adoption through one of them. Fostering may also be possible. If you would like to discuss adopting an animal or would like advice on adoption issues, you can email info@chaininspain.net or call Denise Whitehair on 630 197435 who will be glad to help you. If you would like to volunteer to work in the shop, there are three shifts every day, 10-2pm, 2-6pm and 6-10pm. CHAIN is particularly desperate for evening staff. All volunteers get drinks, 50 per cent off items and a warm fuzzy feeling from helping a good cause! It is also a great way to meet people and also to practise your Spanish! See advert on page 33 for more details and ask in store about the fundraising CHAIN excursions.

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Health & Beauty


Legal Advice

Joint property ownership

by De Cotta Law

Declare joint ownership or bring it to an end? This may sound confusing but if you are a joint owner with your spouse, civil partner or with a friend, it is important to consider the obligations and tax implications if you sell or inherit half of the property. Equally, some married couples or partners were advised to put the property in one name but now find that their spouse or partner can have a higher than expected inheritance tax bill. Also, a person may own Spanish property in their own name and wish to transfer half to a new spouse or partner.

it is practical in many situations such as divorce or the end of a business relationship, where one party wants to retain ownership. A notarial deed is signed by both parties, either in person or by the use of a power of attorney in the Spanish form. The transaction costs are for the notary, Land registry and legal fees. The tax authorities in Andalucía charge 1.5 per cent tax on the fiscal value. Fiscal value is generally less than market value. If there has been a divorce in Spain and there has been a 50/50 split of assets, the transaction should be tax exempt, though there are some issues arising where the couple cannot show they were married in community of property. The tax situation needs to be ascertained because there are also other matters such as the local improvement tax – plus valia – and the question of tax retentions. Declaration of community of property

Ending co-ownership or joint ownership In Spain it is possible to bring co-ownership to an end in a Deed of Extinction of Co-Ownership – Extinción de condomino. The ownership must be transferred to only one joint owner so this does not work if there are four owners who want to transmit to two. However,

In Spain this is tax exempt where you can show that a couple have decided to own their private assets in community of property, instead of in their individual names. This is called a Declaración de comunidad de bienes and is also tax exempt if you can show a couple have decided to declare they will own all their assets jointly in future. This can be suitable where someone has purchased property in Spain in their own name and after marriage, they decide they want to own the asset jointly — particularly if it is the family home. In either case, the situation needs to be ascertained because there are also other obligations such as the local improvement tax – plus valia – and the question of tax retentions. It also affects the inheritance tax implications.

See advert on page 11 for contact details of a De Cotta Law office near you.

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Things to Do

Refreshing lemon drink Try our fantastic quick recipe for lemon water. It has a slightly bitter flavour so is much more refreshing than regular sweet lemonade on these hot summer days! Ingredients 8 large lemons 250g/8 oz superfine sugar, plus extra to taste if required 他 litre boiling water Method 1 Finely grate the rind and squeeze the juice of 7 of the lemons into a large heatproof bowl.

4 Stir the sugar into the bowl and add the boiling water. Allow it to cool to room temperature. Chill until serving.

2 Remove any seeds.

5 To serve, strain into a serving pitcher and dilute with cold water to taste. Stir in extra sugar if desired.

3 Finely slice the remaining lemon and set aside 4-6 slices to use for serving. Stir the remainder into the juice.

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6 Serve in chilled glasses, garnishing each one with a slice of lemon.

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Knock your socks off orange punch

Things to Do

This is a delicious summery punch with a real orange kick. Try to use fresh orange juice rather than cartonbought. And beware: this innocuous-sounding cocktail is strong! If Cointreau is not available, you can use any other brand of orange liqueur as an alternative. Makes about 2 pints Ingredients 750 ml Spanish sparkling wine (Cava) 1/2 litre fresh orange juice Cointreau liqueur ice cubes Method 1 Put some ice cubes into a large jug and pour over lots of orange juice.

3 Once the fizz subsides, stir in a good dash of the Cointreau and it is ready to serve.

Enjoy your cocktails? Why not take advantage of Grumpy’s coupon on page 47.

2 Add the bottle of cava.

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Things to Do

Anyone for padel tennis? Chances are you have a padel court in your local village or town ─ if not, you can be guaranteed that one will be very near by. They look like a cross between a tennis court and a squash court, and have transparent walls. The name comes from the paddles which players use. In Spanish, the sport is called ‘padel’ and is played extensively here in Andalucía. It is not to be confused with paddle tennis, which in the 19th century was a similar enclosed-court variety of tennis already being played by passengers on British cruise ships. The first versions of paddle tennis began appearing in New York during the first quarter of the 20th century, when paddles substituted for the traditional tennis racquet.

Typically played in doubles on the squash-looking enclosed court, you’ll be glad to read that there’s not quite as much space to cover in a match because the court is about half the size of the one used for tennis. But do not let that fool you into thinking this isn’t an energetic racquet sport (if you want it to be)! Back in the late 60s, Mexican-born Enrique Corcuera became hooked on the American Paddle Tennis game. He soon had a court built in Acapulco, but he had the dimensions changed and this new version of the sport was born. One of Enrique’s friends, Alfonso de Hohenlohe, was a fundamental figure in the emergence of Marbella as the well-known beach resort destination it is today. Whilst visiting his Mexican friend, Alfonso observed Enrique’s sporty creation and decided to import it to the Costa del Sol, where he built Spain’s first two padel tennis courts at the famous Marbella Club. This introduction of the courts marked the beginning of the game’s popularity among the members of the exclusive club. In 1975 an Argentine millionaire and Marbella Club regular imported the sport to his country, where it became a sporting sensation. Today, there are more than 2 million officially-licensed padel players in Argentina, a country which offers more than 10,000 padel tennis courts. From Argentina, the padel has caught on in neighbouring countries such as Brazil, Uruguay and Chile, and it is increasingly popular in the US and Canada. From Andalucía, the game began to spread to the rest of the country and finally in 1993, the Sports Council of Spain recognized padel tennis as a sport. In 2005, the PPT (Padel Pro Tour) was born — a professional circuit in which players from around the world compete at different tournament facilities in Spain and Argentina for world ranking positions.

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Things to Do As the sport’s popularity continued to grow along the Costa del Sol, many British holidaymakers got the bug. This led to an increasing popularity for the sport back home and so followed the launch of the UK Padel Federation three years ago. A match is played as a best of three sets and scored in the same way as tennis — the padel rules are a mixture of squash and tennis. The main difference is that both the first and second serves must be underarm as the height of the ball being served must be at or below the waist level — much easier! Padel balls are similar to tennis ones but with a little less pressure, but tennis balls are often used. The racquets (paddles) are stringless and normally solid (yet light) and many players prefer the perforated type. Equipment is available to hire for a very cheap fee at nearly all courts, so you can try before you buy.

It is a very quick and easy sport to learn and is less physically demanding than similar sports such as squash. Most players find it easy to build up a good level of skill to enjoy the game. All of these factors have helped padel go from an exclusive sport for the wealthy to one which is gaining in popularity and accessibility among the rest of the population. One clear sign of its success here in Spain is that the Royal Academy of Spanish included the word padel in the 18th edition of its dictionary, giving the word official status in the Spanish language. Nowadays it is claimed to be the second most popular participation sport in Spain after football. Many new players to the game, of all ages, will find it an easier and less demanding introduction to a new, exciting, fast-growing sport, but for those more advanced converts from tennis or squash, it can be equally demanding as it requires new skills and disciplines that set it apart from other racquet sports. Being both inexpensive and great fun, why not try it?

It really is great for players of all ages and ability, and the game can be played in singles or doubles. If playing singles, you use 6x20m instead of 10x20m of the court. The court is two-thirds the size of a tennis court and is enclosed with wire mesh. The walls at either end are glass, which you can play off when you need to in a similar way as in the game of squash. The uniqueness of the game comes from allowing players to use the surrounding walls to return the ball, which often leads to the comparisons to squash and ‘real’ tennis — think Henry VIII!

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33


Health & Beauty

Hynotherapy: dispelling the myths

by Sarah Jackson

If I had a euro for every time I’d been asked whether I could make someone ‘cluck like a chicken’ I would be a very rich woman. If I had a euro for explaining that I really have no desire to do that, I’d be even richer! So, in an attempt to clear up some of the misconceptions about hypnotherapy, I would like to introduce you to what it is and how it works. Stage Hypnosis and Hypnotherapy Television and stage hypnosis acts have planted the seed within the minds of many that entering into hypnosis is paramount to handing over complete control of all your faculties to a virtual stranger and, perhaps naively, trusting them with your dignity, self respect and in the minds of some, your life. What I would like to make very clear is that committing to a course of hypnotherapy is not the same as joining in a stage hypnosis performance. When you decide to make a positive change in your life by seeking help from a qualified professional hypnotherapist, you are not in it for the entertainment value. It takes a great deal of courage to take the first step in overcoming your problem; often the hardest decision is to actually pick up the telephone and call someone for help. Sometimes it takes years to take that first step. However, once you have made the decision to do something about that thing that has been looming over you, controlling you, holding you back, the subsequent steps are easy. Hypnosis is perfectly natural Have you ever found yourself getting into your car, and then arriving at your destination almost without any memory of the journey? This is just one of the many forms of spontaneous hypnosis that we enter into. Driving, daydreaming or being engrossed in a novel or film – these are all forms of hypnosis. We all move in and out of hypnosis many times a day without being aware of it. It is both natural and safe. What is Hypnotherapy? Hypnotherapy is an extremely effective and speedy technique of psychotherapy using the natural state of hypnosis to get to the origin of our problems. The cause of our problem is often situated deep within our subconscious mind, hidden away out of conscious awareness.

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A hypnotherapist utilises the natural state of hypnosis to help you bring about beneficial changes for yourself. Hypnotherapy is effective because, relaxed in hypnosis, we are ready to accept positive statements and suggestions towards our sense of wellbeing. Most of the problematic, emotional and habitual patterns that trouble us — for example the fear of flying, snakes, rats; the anxiety we feel when faced with certain situations; the need we feel to eat when we aren’t hungry; all those things that cause our difficulties — are rooted deep in our very powerful, primitive subconscious minds; out of reach of our much weaker conscious minds. When we are relaxed into hypnosis, the door to our subconscious mind is opened up, allowing us access to subconscious awareness and all past relevant memories. When this happens, the deeplyrooted and problematic feelings that are causing the difficulties can be accessed, understood consciously, put in context and then allowed to dissipate. This removes the programme from our subconscious mind and with it, any destructive emotional impact that it may have had. Problematic feelings are dealt with and we are then able to carry on with our lives, no longer hindered by outdated emotional feelings that may have been holding us back. Hypnotherapy is a fast, relaxing, comfortable and highly effective therapy. You are always in control of the process and you will remember everything that happens during the sessions. Hypnosis actually gives you more clarity and therefore more control. Hypnotists who perform on stage make it appear that they are able to take control of their subjects. This is not the case. Hypnotherapists only work in a relaxed atmosphere of total consent with their clients.

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Health & Beauty

During Hypnosis Your Integrity Is Fully Protected When in hypnosis you will never do or say anything you do not wish to. However deeply relaxed you become, you will not reveal your innermost secrets, and you will be fully aware of what you are saying at all times. If the problem you are experiencing is one that you would prefer not to discuss with your hypnotherapist, the therapy will work equally well; you can simply do the work that is needed without talking about the content. There is never any need to disclose anything you do not wish to.

What Happens During Hypnotherapy? During hypnotherapy you allow yourself to become relaxed by choosing to respond to the suggestions of the hypnotherapist. In this relaxed state you are in contact with your subconscious mind — the seat of all emotional and behavioural problems. It is now widely recognised by the medical profession as well as therapists that mind and body are inextricably linked together, and that disease or tension in the mind can lead to disease and tension in the body, and vice versa. Using hypnotherapy you can be directly in touch with your subconscious mind, and so can deal directly with the cause of your problem — rather than dealing simply with the symptom.

Insight into your problem doesn’t necessarily solve it Practitioners in certain therapies try to overcome problems by talking through issues with their clients; trying to provide insight into their difficulties, hoping that this will enable them to make a ‘conscious’ effort to overcome their fears using willpower.

You and the therapist need to work in a relaxed atmosphere of mutual respect and consent for the therapy to be successful. Without trust and rapport, hypnosis will not be achieved, and you will not respond to the suggestions. You will only take on board the suggestions that are appropriate for you.

The difficulty is that most problems — or the symptoms they present — are not consciously understood by most of us. If they were, we could simply use our willpower to override the uncomfortable feelings. The problems we experience are often rooted at the very powerful, primitive subconscious level of our beings, out of reach of our conscious awareness.

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Hypnotherapy — using comfortable, controlled relaxation — can allow us to be directed towards the root of our problem at the subconscious level. Once we are able to understand at an emotional level where the problem first started, we are able to look back at it from a perspective of greater maturity, understand why it has become established, put it in context, and then allow it to go.

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Health & Beauty Who Can Hypnotherapy Help? In the current climate of enthusiasm for drug-free, holistic therapies which complement conventional medicine, advanced hypnotherapy techniques are being used successfully to treat a wide range of psychological, emotional and physical problems. Indeed, hypnotherapy does not just have to be about problems. It is about effortless change and helping you to improve your quality of life.

Areas in which hypnotherapy might be broadly said to be most effective can be listed as follows: 1 Habits – long-standing habits that need to be changed such as smoking, over-eating, insomnia, nail biting, bed wetting, blushing etc. 2 Physical problems – skin disorders, rashes, migraine, irritable bowel, etc. 3 Social difficulties – lack of confidence, examination nerves, poor memory, phobias, panic, public speaking etc. If you have any comments or questions about this article please contact me in confidence by email sarah@imesonjackson.com or on Facebook https:// www.facebook.com/ImesonJacksonHyp or http:// www.facebook.com/ImesonJackson and on Twitter at http://twitter.com/ImesonJackson

Hypnotherapy can help us all to deal and cope effectively with the stresses of modern work and living, and give us control of our lives — instead of, perhaps, letting life control us.

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See Sarah’s advert on page 41 for more details.

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Alice’s Wonderland

All work and a bit of play!

by Alice Marriott

Hello, it’s Alice again, Summer is arriving and the heat that comes with it too! I’m about to finish my last year of high school, so it’s quite exciting thinking that in September I’ll be in college – seems really grown up. I can’t believe how quick the years have gone by – gosh, I sound like my Mum! Unfortunately, there wasn’t space for me to write an article in last month’s magazine, so let’s go back a little. I was quite busy getting ready for the Romeria in Teba — a weekend of camping out in the local park/wood. I stayed with my friend Nadia in a tent. It was quite windy, so it took a lot of hard work to put the ‘green stuff’ up round the camp, plus the tent. It was a whole afternoon’s work for Mum, Dad and I to put it up. I don’t know how the Spanish did it in a couple of hours! We also had to cook and make a fire to keep warm. It was good fun. We also went to other friends’ camps and I even had to start a fire for them. I can’t wait until next year to camp out again as I really enjoyed it.

I’m doing quite well with my job at the stables at the moment. I’m riding a bit more too — going out on hacks and cantering for a change. We’re also going to be breaking-in a horse this summer; I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time as it will be the first time I have done it. I’m also getting another summer job babysitting a little three-year-old Spanish girl called Vivienne, so I can teach her English. It should be good fun, and get me some more spends which always comes in handy! Have a great month and if you are anything like my Dad — enjoy the football; if you are anything like my Grandma — enjoy the tennis and if you are anything like my Mum — enjoy the pool! Love Alice x

After that I was starting to get stressed about my exams, I’ve still got a few left. So far, they are going well and I’ve passed everything except maths, but I’ve got a re-take exam on the 23rd — wish me luck, I’ll need it! As I’m finishing high school, that means it’s graduation time, so I have my graduation meal and party to look forward to too. I have bought this beautiful mintturquoise playsuit and I’m having my hair up in a low bun — that sounds like a contradiction! Anyway, as you may have guessed, I’m so excited to have finally finished high school and move up to college. It’s also quite scary thinking that it will be much harder, and also meeting some new students that come from other towns — plus you know how rubbish I am at new teachers’ names!

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Things to Do

Who killed the mad

scientist?

TAPAS (The Andalucía Performing Arts Society) is busy rehearsing for its next murder mystery production which takes place in the theatre at Los Arcos, km6 A7059 Coin/Cartama road on Friday and Saturday, June 20 and 21 at 7.30 for 8pm. It's Doctor Frankenstein meets Sherlock Holmes in this humorous, Gothic tale of Victorian skulduggery. Eminent scientist Felix Oppenmeister has been paid to work on a pioneering discovery which will change the course of modern science. He's perfecting an elixir — so far untested — which he hopes contains the secret to life itself. For three years he's been feverishly working away in his laboratory, housed in the basement of 'Arkwright's Mausoleum' in the secluded town of Chadderton-Twinge. Tongues are now wagging, however, and concerns about his demeanour are being raised. Doctor Oppenmeister has become increasingly obsessed with his quest and both his sanity and unorthodox methods are now being called into question.

It's still a huge shock, though, when Oppenmeister's dead body is discovered, "frazzled to a crisp", while strapped to his own scientific contraption. Someone had to have immobilised him and turned on the power to the Doctor's 'transponder'… but who? Murder is suspected and Sherlock Holmes, the brilliant sleuth, is enlisted by PC Plod (who doesn´t understand these things!) to investigate the crime. Holmes, along with Caroline Bagshot from the ChaddertonTwinge Free Press, is tasked to ascertain… who killed the mad scientist?!! Tickets, which are €12 (members €9), include a onecourse supper of chicken and chips (a vegetarian option is available on request), and are available from the usual outlets and from the box office on 635 293 714. Further information can also be found on the TAPAS website www.tapassociety.com Why not take part in the next TAPAS production? Read about the forthcoming auditions on page 18.

Twenty teasers

from page 7

1. Eric Clapton 2. Pain 3. Jane 4. 64 5. Bjorn Borg 6. Dolly Parton

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7. Hyper Text Mark up Language 8. Michael Crichton 9. 1948 10. Charing Cross and Kings Cross 11. Haricot beans 12. The Houses of Parliament 13. Green 14. Blue 15. Cow 16. Vinegar and brown paper 17. Queen Elizabeth I 18. Penelope Wilton 19. Tuberculosis 20. Otis Redding

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Trade Talk

Recycled bling and

buy sales

If the difference between men and boys is the price of their toys, for women and girls, it may be the price of their accessories. For thrifty, fashion-conscious females there are many stores which cater to buyers from the age of three upwards! The main accessory that a female adds to her outfit is fashion jewellery. This has become a huge business worldwide. In China alone, current retail value sales increased by 10 per cent last year to reach a staggering HK$60 billion. However, growth in 2013 was slower than during the previous three years. As a result of economic uncertainty, both mainland visitors and local consumers spent less on new jewellery in 2013.

growth — particularly in the Eastern EU countries — the number of working women and marriages rose steadily. There is more diversity in jewellery designs and more retail outlets sell jewellery, which has stimulated impulse buying. In the period between 2004 and 2006, EU jewellery sales increased from €23.5 to €23.8 million. Costume jewellery enjoyed a substantial growth period with much cheap jewellery being imported from China and India. The term costume jewellery dates back to the early 20th century. It reflects the use of the word "costume" to refer to what we now call an "outfit". There is no general distinction between the use of the term fashion or costume — bling is bling after all! But at what price is bling just too expensive?

The EU is the second largest market for jewellery after the USA, representing one-fifth of the global market value. Five years ago, a report was carried out by the CBI showing that EU consumption was reported at €23.3 billion, with an average per capita expenditure of €47.20, of which €6.40 was costume jewellery. The large EU markets made up a share of nearly 70 per cent of the market value, with an estimated 200 million pieces sold in the year.

Beauty has always been in the eye of the beholder, and the more beautiful a piece of jewellery is deemed to be is often seen as how heavy the purse of the beholder is! But this is slowly becoming a thing of the past. Of course, we all appreciate the craftsmanship which goes into a designer, unique or limited piece of bling we see — mostly on the red carpet draped around the neck of the latest starlet. But let’s be honest: it’s fashion jewellery which is much more affordable for the likes of us humble folk.

The largest markets by volume were France and the UK, as well as Spain, Germany, the Netherlands and the Eastern EU countries. Most pieces sold were costume and silver jewellery — particularly earrings and neckwear.

With the rise in crime, maybe wearing your great grandma’s engagement ring is not something you feel very comfortable doing these days. It’s true a clear diamond will go with any outfit but why not expand your accessories wardrobe for a smidgen of the cost of the real thing? Why not go one better and help the environment with a second-hand sparkler for an even smaller fraction of the cost?

Within the last decade, sales in most EU countries have risen steadily, as jewellery has become a fashion statement that women themselves buy as a part of a new outfit. Along with the economic

Even a fashion necklace can cost between €5 and 10€ in any one of the glitzy outlets of accessories shops which have been popping up increasingly in every shopping centre over the past three decades.

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Trade Talk

The most successful of these chains operates more than 3400 stores throughout the world and in 2012, their sales reached an amazing $1,557.0M, yielding a growth of 4.3 per cent for the period. That’s a lot of money on bling! You can walk into any department store and almost be blinded by the shiny stones and gold plated bangles on offer – but you are also paying for the plastic display card, the printing on the card and somewhere in there, just peanuts for the — normally Asian — low-paid worker who has assembled the plastic beads into the colourful charms you purchase to adorn your neckline. And of course, you are paying a whopping profit to the department store.

At the Auction House in Campillos there are thousands of pieces of jewellery available for sale at just 50c an item or 1€ for three. There are also ‘lucky dip’ sealed bags of mixed jewellery weighing anything from 2 to 4kgs — these can include broken items too. These bags are ideal for harvesting – if you fancy making your own jewellery it is a veritable feast of beads, earrings, pearls, bangles and other jewellery items. We have customers who are purchasing the bags for resale via eBay, Etsy, car boot and market stalls etc – they are proving a hit and a real bargain. You can wait until one of our auctions to purchase one or if you prefer to buy them beforehand, just pop in and see the stock when we are open. Continued on page 42

We tend to purchase a new bauble to go with the new outfit we have just bought for the next night out but what happens to the jewellery when we tire of it or it breaks? We tend to leave it at the bottom of a jewellery box or throw it out. Maybe you go off the colour; it’s out of date right now or you’ve replaced it with a new bit. Well, in the UK a registered charity is helping by jewellery recycling. We’re not talking about a re-made piece from a jewellery maker using recycled pieces — we’re talking about second-hand pieces which have been pre-owned and pre-loved and are simply looking for a new home. At Andalucían Auctions, we are working very closely with the charity The Fundraising Company, to resell this jewellery and help raise funds for deserving causes such as cancer, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s sufferers, as well as local schools and clubs. Within the first two weeks, Andalucían Auctions raised over 100€ for them and the total is rising every day.

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Trade Talk RSPCA Birmingham Animal Centre: "I can't believe how much money this scheme has brought in – with hardly any effort" Soroptimist International of Great Britain & Ireland: "After raising over £11,000, we would highly recommend this free recycling service to any charity" Primrose Hospice: “We are delighted at the response...” £1627. Please help us to help them. Visit the auction house and help this worthwhile charity recycling programme. Here are some of the things the good causes have said about this recycling programme:

See our advert opposite for opening times and contact details.

Wirral Society of the Blind and Partially Sighted: “We are delighted with this project and have received much more than anticipated” £2,017. Marie Curie Cancer Care: "Through Jewellery Recycling we have raised over £140,000; it's an easy, effective fundraiser"

What’s in a name? Companies branching out overseas can struggle with new demands and cultures. But the most annoying obstacle may be that pesky language barrier. Here are a few examples that just might fail to impress English speaking consumers.

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Classified Adverts Services Offered Electrician all areas covered. Call Tom for a quote on 606 694 536 Window cleaning and general work. Phone Con on 674 895099 Gardening – all aspects undertaken. Free quotes. No job to small. Call 952 737643 General handyman and pool cleaner. Reliable and experienced call 680 323649 We are asking for people out there who took out a mortgage in 2004 with Cajasur in Antequera to get in contact with us. We believe we have a case relating to the amount you could be paying on your mortgage. This may be too much because of a fixed rate policy, meaning that the percentage rate would not go lower than 4.59 per cent. We would be interested in forming a group to consolidate on this issue. Your personal details will be treated as strictly confidential, please email your contact details only to info@theandalucian.com we will forward them on to private advertiser who wishes to remain anonymous.

Are you struggling to sell or rent your home? Whatever your property type advertise it for only €5 a month or €20 for six months (excludes IVA). Call 952 723075 or email us with a photo and details info@theandalucian.com

Deposito Legal MA-1110-2004 Copyright © 2004 - 2014 All rights reserved All advertisements are published in good faith and are for information purposes. We do not under any circumstances accept responsibility for the accuracy of such advertisements, nor is any kind of warranty or endorsement expressed or implied by such publication. The editorials are not a substitute for legal advice, and not intended or offered as such. The Andalucían does not therefore accept any duty of care to anyone who makes use of, or seeks to rely on, material in this publication. No part of this or any previous Local Connections or The Andalucían publications may be used or reproduced without the prior written consent of the owner.

Vehicles for Sale Advertise your vehicle - ONLY €5 a month. Call 952 723075 or email info@theandalucian.com Matador Aerovan trailer, perfect condition, full Spanish registration. 1995€ ono transfer included. Cargo 2000 kg Tara 1210 kg. Altura 2.216 mts Longitud 4.100 mts. Call 670598600 or 955142996 C1100s 500 galvanised GAPM trailer. All paperwork held. Used four times. Good condition. 1360mm x 1250mm Call 952 725231 or 600 937290. ONLY 250€ ONO

Property for Sale

Events This year’s reunion of the Informal English Speaking Group of Loja will be held on Tuesday, July 1, 12noon to 2pm. Full details will be available nearer the day but put the date in your diary now, as we would hate you to miss meeting your old friends! If you know of other English speakers, new arrivals to the area or others, please spread the word. If there are others who would like to be included on the mailing list, please email your address to englishinloja@gmail.com.

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TEBA 3 bed, 2 bath 19th century townhouse. Original features, 360m2. Fantastic pool & terrace. Certified Energy Rating C. PRICE REDUCED €299,950 Call 627 683380 for details Situated at foot of Teba Gorge, 4 bed main house plus selfcontained 2 bed apartment – ideal for letting/business. Large gardens and pool. Price 275,000€ phone 952749130 or email barbarasumner@ hotmail.co.uk

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The Andalucian - June 2014