Issue 22: California Gaggie (April Fools Edition) by The California Aggie

Te California Aggie’s satire issue is an annual, collaborative efort from our entire staf that highlights humorous, fctionalized articles. Te issue, including all articles, graphics and photos, is entirely satirical.

UC Davis alum Dhar Mann outdonates Maria Manetti Shrem

BY MADISON SEEMAN meseeman@ucdavis.edu

have those counts expunged.

And now, just this past Tuesday, Mann donated $44 million and $420 — the last number being an homage to his failed cannabis company — to the UC Davis Art Department. Tis donation not only outshines the recent generous donation from Maria Manetti Shrem, it’s just enough to outshine her total donations. Our sources speculate this was intentional and perhaps even targeted. With no ofcial statement, rumors for Mann’s motive ran wild.

“Isn’t that like…all of his net worth?” one bafed student asked.

Breaking news: as of April 1, Dhar Mann has officially out-donated Maria Manetti Shrem. Tis move has the Art Department painting over Manetti Shrem’s newly printed signs — starting April 31, the Art Building will now be called the Dhar Mann Art Hall. Te new donor is, for better or worse, one of the more famous UC Davis alumni. A man who the New York Times has nicknamed the “Moral Philosopher of Youtube,” Mr. Mann has a busy YouTube empire and an estimated $45 million net worth to his name. But, who is the Mann behind the money? Dhar Mann is a YouTuber, producer and infuencer known for his

short flms of modern-day after-school specials with increasingly specific morals, ranging anywhere from fve minutes to half an hour long. Tese modern-day fables attack age-old issues like “Strange Kid Eats Rocks For School Lunch,” “Cheerleader and Anime Nerd Fight At School” and “Son Replaces Mom With Artificial Intelligence Robot” — just to name a few.

And, it all started at UC Davis. Or at least, his real estate company did. Which then failed but led him to a luxury car service venture. Which also failed, but that led him to his own cannabis company. Which also failed.

But UC Davis didn’t raise no quitter!

In 2019, Mann posted his frst video on YouTube and the rest is history.

The only clue we have lies in Mann’s YouTube channel. Following the donation, Mann posted a Youtube short heavily implying he wanted the Art Building to be renamed in his honor, leaving the department and the university as a whole scrambling.

“We just put up the new signs,” one faculty member said. “We worked really hard on that gradient.”

We found another professor staring sadly up at the new sign inside of the Art Building with Maria Manetti Shrem’s face on it — now to be replaced.

“I think I’ll miss her; I kind of liked seeing her face every day,” the professor said. “I just don’t know if looking at his face will feel the same.”

Te donation also sparked some jealousy from other departments.

Some think he may have ulterior motives.

“happily” acquiesce to his requests.

Te renovations, including the

ofcially be

University declares: “He’s the Mann!” Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

He’s the only UC Davis donor to have won a Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award and certainly the frst alum to have had Charli D’Amelio on his podcast. Is he the only donor to have been charged with 13 felony counts?

He has to at least be the only donor to

Freakbob and the Bobbers

Chop off that hair

BY ALLISON KELEHER

adkeleher@ucdavis.edu

During this past quarter here at UC Davis, a craze has possessed the student body. Everyone is obsessed with a student band called “Freakbob and the Bobbers.” And, it’s not just students, everyone on social media is obsessed with the band. Teir videos are blowing up on TikTok, with millions of people begging for even more content from the Bobbers. Now, you might be wondering why people are so obsessed with this freaky band. Between you and me, I don’t think they are very “swoonworthy.” Te music is catchy and I wouldn’t mind listening to it in my local department store, but it isn’t revolutionary enough to justify this craze. After careful consideration, I’ve determined that it’s the bobs that make them popular. Each and every member of the band has a blunt bob, right at the chin. Te unity amongst the band in aligning themselves with such a fabulous haircut is truly what makes them worthy of their fame. So far, this student band has only released an EP, but they are promising their devoted fans that an album is coming soon. One fan started a series on TikTok saying that she would cut of more of her hair for each day that the Bobbers don’t release an album. Tensions are running high, since she is getting close to bob territory — a buzz cut would look tragic on this diva. With all of her courage, this fan’s dedication has gotten some press, which has added to the Freakbob and the Bobbers craze. Now, thousands of fans are grabbing the scissors to chop of their hair in hopes of gathering the band’s attention. It’s a bob world now and we need to get with it.

Tis trend has reached the UC Davis student body. Everywhere I look, I see another diva with a bob.

It’s becoming so serious that there are more students with bobs than without bobs.

When asked about this bob situation, a frat boy said: “Yeah dude,

I’m jealous of the girls chopping of their hair. It will be months before my bob grows in.” Some local businesses in Davis have heard about the bob craze and are trying to get some money from it.

One salon is advertising 50% of bob haircuts if your hair is twice the length of a bob. For journalistic purposes, I tried to get this deal, but the stylist told me that my hair was just under the required length. Tis upset me a lot because I’m starting to feel left out without a bob. I almost went home and cut my hair myself but was deterred by the memory of the last time I cut my own hair and ended up with micro bangs.

Alejandra Mercado, a fourth-year linguistics major, became upset when asked about her bob because she “had her bob before it was popular.”

It’s a bob-eat-bob world here at UC Davis, and we need to acknowledge that. Tis upcoming weekend, Freakbob and the Bobbers will be performing at the Mondavi Center, and fans with bobs get free admission. Go cut that hair!

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

“Te least he could do is donate to the flm department,” one flm professor said.

“What does Dhar Mann know about art?”

In the wake of the chaos his donation left, speculation on Mann’s motive has run rampant. What could he possibly have against Manetti Shrem?

“I think it’s latent guilt,” one graduate student said. “I mean, the whole Manetti Shrem thing, sure, but have you heard he was literally charged with — allegedly — defrauding a city beautifcation program? Tis was, like, totally connected.”

Motive aside, the university notes it is “incredibly grateful” for Mann’s generosity and expects to

“Dhar Mann Art Hall.”

UC Davis Police Department taking down all

lighting on campus

Police Department acknowledges they are petty for doing so

BY NOAH HARRIS features@theaggie.org

Starting this past Monday, the UC Davis Police Department is taking down every single light on campus. Te process will take around two weeks to complete and comes after the police department had expressed their frustration at a subpar showing for their annual lighting walk.

On Jan. 22, 2025, the UC Davis Police Department, along with UC Davis Facilities Management, organized the annual lighting walk. For three hours, members from both organizations walked around the campus, educating those who attended the event on UC Davis lighting, as well as fnding areas on campus that were not well-lit to be fxed later.

Te main issue from this lighting walk from the police department’s perspective was that not enough people came to the event, according to the Police Chief Claire Enette.

Tey’re taking away all the lights on campus because they’re upset nobody came to the event,” Rouag said. “Tey’re forgetting that they scheduled the event from 11 p.m. to 2 a.m. on a Friday night.”

Without the facility department’s help, the police department has resorted to running into light poles hundreds of times to knock it down. When that doesn’t work, students will hear the sound of a chainsaw cutting down lamp posts, which will only happen at four in the morning. Earplugs will not be provided to students or staf during this process.

Lighting has already been taken down around Tercero, coincidentally coinciding with a two-week planned electricity outage in the area. Te police department has released a statement, written by a person named Jibril

breaking mother’s backs and walking into the llama enclosure at night,” Peacock’s statement reads.

It is important to note that Peacock’s report was based on absolutely nothing and 19 is his lucky number. However, Keelsey Mayor, a friend of Justin Timberlake, produced a report based on classifed data. In her report, she stated that as a result of removing all lighting on campus, it would be darker in some areas. From this fnding, Mayor was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Jessica Pabla, a world expert on lighting.

“There were maybe fve people who attended,” Enette said. “Tat was the ofcial headcount, but I’m pretty sure that two of the people counted were dogs, so it was probably three people.”

As a result, the police department is now going to be what reportedly “could be interpreted as petty.” Soon, there will be no light whatsoever on campus except the sun during the day and the glow of the fesh-eating worms at night.

UC Davis Facilities Management, who co-hosted the lighting walk, does not endorse the police department’s stance on taking down campus lighting, as Charlie Rouag, who works in a top-secret position with facilities, said.

Zivny, who appears in a database for “My Little Pony” lovers.

“Nobody lit up our lives by coming to the lighting walk, so we will extinguish your lights,” the statement reads. “When God created the world, he said, ‘Let there be light.’ “We say, ‘Let there not be light.’ Get it?” An emergency report was ordered by Andrew Peacock, a fourth-year electrical engineering major. Nobody listened to his order, so Peacock wrote the report. His fndings were shocking.

“With no lighting on the UC Davis campus, we can anticipate 19 deaths a year from instances such as electric scooters crashing into walls, accidentally stepping on cracks and

52 police ofcers attended the lighting walk and walked around as a group with the three humans and two dogs. One of the attendees was Kile Sang, a ffth-year undeclared major. “I have an anatomy class that goes until 11 p.m. on Fridays,” Sang said. “As I was leaving class, I saw a group of 50 police ofcers and fgured that I would talk to them to see if they could jail the person who scheduled my anatomy class from 8 to 11 p.m. on Friday.” Sang stayed to pet the dogs for three hours. It later turned out that those dogs were furries.

After the lighting around UC Davis gets removed, the police department is rumored to be considering eliminating all lighting in the city of Davis. Tese are the frst steps in the UC Davis Police Department eliminating all forms of lighting in California and potentially beyond, according to one anonymous source, contingent on whether more people show up to their lighting walk.

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

new signage,

expected

fnish by the end

April, when the building can

found on Google Maps under the name

NOVA MAI / AGGIE

JASON XIE / AGGIE

LANHUI ZHEN / AGGIE

TRADER JOE’S: AWAY

WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW

What’s up with that gray-dient?

BY MAYA KORNYEYEVA mkornyeyeva@ucdavis.edu

Te Davis Collection, a shopping center located within the Trader Joe’s (TJ’s) plaza on Russell Boulevard, is scheduled to complete construction in mid-April of this year. Trader Joe’s has endured throughout the entire renovation period, proclaiming itself to be “open during construction” amidst a furry of trucks, workers in hardhats and demolished side walks.

Te beloved grocery store TJ’s — as many prefer to call it — is a hotspot for the Davis community: a place where you could run into your ex, your frst-year roommate and your ecology professor all at once. Tere’s a certain beauty to TJ’s that is not present in any other run-of-themill grocery store. When you enter the building, you are immediately transported into a cozy, farmers market-esque dimension, greeted by an island of fowers, walls covered with vibrant murals and a babble of lively conversation. It’s a place like no other, dwelling in the hearts of every single person who has ever had the pleasure of wandering its isles. For months, TJ’s was covered in white canvas and fences. Nobody knew what lay underneath — was there going to be a drive-through? Was the store painted red? Did they cover the entire thing in aluminum and pipes? It was anyone’s guess.

Earlier this year however, we got our answer. When the covers were lifted and the fences pulled back, Trader Joe’s revealed its new facade:

walls of gray, gray and more gray (in various shades). Not even a wisp of playful bricks and peach-colored paint remained. To say the community was shocked would be an understatement; In the following months, I began to notice that the “TJ’s gloom” was subtly refected in the demeanors of shoppers and students alike. Every smile was mixed with a bit of a frown, and every gaze that alighted upon the exterior of the building was averted in shame and disgust.

“It’s oppressive. I despise it with my whole heart,” Jolinne Meyer, a third-year design major, said. “I am bothered by the mere thought of it. I can feel a sense of hatred bubbling up inside me whenever I think about that depressing gray block.”

Others shared Meyer’s concern.

Genevra Alimo, a retired kindergarten teacher, told me she has been shopping at Trader Joe’s for years, citing this new development as a “splotch” on the face of the city.

“My heart goes out to everyone who has felt personally slighted by the new design of the exterior. It pains me to imagine how this color choice is afecting students’ mental health, who are already struggling to survive in the brutalist lecture halls on the Davis campus. Tey didn’t need another gray square in their lives,” Alimo said.

To get another perspective, I reached out to the squirrel community for their reaction to the redesign.

Teir response will stick with me for the rest of my life.

“Squee Squa Squeeeeee. Skree EEEE,” Ginger Fig, a squirrel residing in one of the nearby trees, said.

Memorial Union preacher opens up vacancy for successor — apply now!

UC Davis is seeking a passionate student looking for a unique job experience to fulfill the role

BY LAILA AZHAR features@theaggie.org

As students rush to class, meetings or bus stops, they’re often met with the sound of various readings and teachings. Te UC Davis campus is home to a thriving industry of preachers, and for years, the Memorial Union (MU) has been a prominent place of business.

In exciting news for the campus, one MU preacher has recently been invited to an out-of-town conference for college campus preachers.

“I can’t wait to meet people who work similar jobs at diferent campuses,” the preacher said. “I heard Tom Cruise sometimes dabbles in preaching Scientology at UC Los Angeles. I’d love to meet him.”

Trough this conference, the preacher hopes to make a name for Davis in the world of college campus preachers.

“I hope I can make Davis proud,” the preacher said. “We may be a small town, but our preaching game is good enough for the big leagues.”

Tis preacher hopes to hire a replacement, in order to ensure their specifc preaching strategy is present at Davis in spite of their absence.

“I have a pretty intense vocal warm-up routine I do before starting a day of preaching,” the preacher said. “Preaching in the MU is an art form, and I’d like to say I’ve nearly perfected it. Having a protégé means Davis can continue to have

“SKREET. Reep Reep.”

Upon consulting with my Squirrlish translation director, he confrmed that Fig, like many others that I interviewed, was not a fan. Apparently, her eldest son decided to move across town to get away from the gloom and her best friend refused to go within 20 feet of the structure.

“Squaaaaaaaak! Squee Skuaaaa,” Fig added. After further consultation, it was revealed that she hadn’t been sleeping well. Te looming gray walls of Trader Joe’s were haunting her nightmares, startling her awake every time she settled down for a nap, according to Fig. If this continues, she may have to pack her things and fnd a more cozy home elsewhere.

Te dissonance created by this renovation is sparking further unease about the future of the surrounding area. Jack Daniels, a baseball coach at UC Davis, paints a dire picture.

“It always starts with just one building. Next, there will be an army of gray buildings to match — layers upon layers of concrete broken up by the occasional strip of asphalt. While we don’t know what the rest of the Davis Collection will look like, I have

a nagging feeling that they will all look the same: all gray, all sad,” Daniels said. “I just want some color, you know? Like green, why not green? Or aquamarine? How about vermillion? Indigo? Lime? Neon sparkly pink? Come on now, have some creativity!”

As the formerly beautiful building continues to perform its role as a gathering place for the Davis community, a note of missed opportunity foats in the air. Only time will tell whether this gray block will fnd its way into our cold hearts.

TRADER

BY MAYA KORNYEYEVA mkornyeyeva@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

top-notch preaching, even when I’m not here.”

Students seem to respond well to this particular strategy, describing their interactions with this MU preacher as life-changing moments.

“I was on my way to class when I frst heard the teachings,” James Magure, a frst-year history major, said. “I didn’t go to class that day. Instead, I immediately turned around and listened. Honestly, I can’t think of a better way to get your point across than to constantly scream it in the MU.”

Students looking to boost their resume and gain unique employment experiences should consider applying for the role. Candidates should demonstrate excellent communication skills, persistence and the ability to work well under stress. Prior experience in sales or public relations is preferred.

When asked about compensation, the MU preacher only had a brief comment.

“In this economy?” the preacher said. “Te salary is the experience. Te salary is getting to change your clients’ lives.” In order to be considered for the position, students should submit their resume and cover letter to mupreacher@ucdavis.edu.

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

The city of Davis issues electric scooter mandate

Davis officials have mandated electric scooters as the primary mode of transportation, bringing the city one step further into the future

BY MATTHEW MCELDOWNEY city@theaggie.org

Te New Year brought new concerns for the city of Davis, with many claiming that our rampant bike culture is due for a major change. Since support for this sentiment started to rise, Davis is now redefning itself: Te community is transforming from a bike city to what locals are calling a “scooter nation.”

Community members of Davis argue that scooters will drastically improve our “street cred” and lead to a much more progressive community.

“Scooters are way cooler than bikes in my opinion,” Brian Hutchins, a third-year theatre and dance major, said. “Tey are way faster, so getting around is a lot easier, and they also look cool. I decorated mine with some fames on the wheels and some cool stickers.”

Scooters not only look cool, but they also give students the opportunity to do a little of-roading on campus. On a scooter you’ll leave pedestrians in the dust, and sometimes even on the ground, ensuring you’ll never be late to class again!

“One time I was walking on campus on the sidewalk, and a scooter ran me over,” Olivia Gem, a third-year physics major, said. “It was the most spiritual experience I’ve ever had. It

felt like my soul left my body and returned entirely anew.”

Some special models of scooters can be folded and compacted, so you can take them wherever you go — even into class with you.

“I can’t be without my scooter,” Chris P. Bacon, a fourth-year economics major, said. “I bring it with me everywhere, even the bathroom. I get severe separation anxiety whenever I’m without it, so I’m really happy about this whole scooter mandate thing. Maybe people will fnally understand the beauty of the scooter.”

Te Davis City Council has ofcially voted to phase out traditional bicycles in favor of electric scooters, declaring them the “superior mode of transport for the city’s aesthetic and efciency goals,” according to the city’s website.

Starting next quarter, all residents will be required to trade in their bikes for government-issued scooters, available in three pre-approved colors: “Neon Overlord Green,” “Tech Bro Gray” and “Ethereal Blue.”

“We’re done with the tyranny of the bike,” Davis Mayor Linda Wheelwright declared at a press conference. “For years, this city has been known for its outdated bicyclecentric infrastructure. But that’s over now. We’re ushering in a new era — one of speed, innovation and

absolutely zero pedaling.”

To ensure a smooth transition, the city will be installing “scooteronly” lanes, complete with charging ports, built-in espresso machines and automated voice overs that remind riders how much cooler they are than cyclists.

Critics have raised concerns about the environmental impact of mass scooter production, the potential increase in scooter-related injuries and whether people who actually enjoy riding bikes will be criminalized. However, city ofcials remain unfazed.

“Some people resist change,” Wheelwright said, adjusting her refective scooter goggles. “But let’s be real, when was the last time a bicycle made you feel like a cyberpunk action hero?”

Te mandate is set to take efect by the end of the year, with strict penalties for noncompliance. Anyone caught riding a bicycle will be required to wear a sign that says “I Fear Te Future” and publicly apologize to a council-approved scooter infuencer.

As the city of Davis glides into a new era, one thing is certain: Te future is electric, two-wheeled and way, way cooler than before.

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

People enjoy the new public seating on G Street. (Christian Cendejas / Aggie)

STEPHANIE CHAN / AGGIE

MAYA KORNYEYEVA / AGGIE

KAYLA TRAN / AGGIE

UC Davis Anthony Padilla look-alike contest ends in six arrests

Questioning continues as local law enforcement attempts to uncover the identity of the real Anthony Padilla

BY TARA ROMERO tcrome@ucdavis.edu

Ever since the October 2024

Timothée Chalamet look-alike contest took the Internet by storm, hundreds of celebrity look-alike contests have popped up all over the country. A bit late to the trend as always, UC Davis students decided to commemorate local Sacramento YouTube celebrity Anthony Padilla in a look-alike contest in the Memorial Union Quad yesterday afternoon.

Te student who organized the event and asked to remain anonymous made the following statement: “Honestly, I just thought it’d be funny — I never thought it would’ve turned out like this.”

At 3 p.m. on March 31, 2025, the Anthony Padilla look-alike contest was up and running. It was a sad start — with only two contestants and roughly eight people in attendance. However, three last-minute applicants joined the contest upon realizing their uncanny resemblance to the other men. By 3:30 p.m., there were over 200 onlookers gathered to see these fve Anthony Padilla look-alikes.

“I didn’t even know who Anthony Padilla was, but when I saw fve men who looked exactly like one another…I could not look away,” Abigail LeMiller, a second-year theatre and dance major, said. At 3:45 p.m., the unexpected happened. Te real Anthony Padilla made his appearance at his own lookalike contest. Residing in Los Angeles, this YouTuber was allegedly visiting his hometown, Sacramento, when he saw that he was tagged on X about this contest. Upon further investigation, Padilla did, in fact, travel to UC Davis with the sole purpose of making an appearance at this contest after searching “Anthony Padilla look-alike contest” into the TikTok search engine

every day since the frst contest in October.

When Padilla frst arrived, students assumed he was another lastminute contestant and pushed him up front to sign up for the contest. In front of the crowd, Padilla attempted to admit that he was the real Anthony Padilla, but the other contestants followed suit in an “I’m Spartacus”esque fashion — all claiming to be the one true Anthony Padilla.

One of the potential Padillas claimed: “I’m here to flm an ‘I spent 24 hours with my look-alikes’ video.”

Another claimed: “I came here not knowing the meaning of Anthony Padilla, but I believe I’ve found my identity thanks to the men here before you.”

Before anyone knew it, UC Davis was home to six Anthony Padillas — and none of them were backing down. Tere are various reports on what exactly caused local police to get involved. Some claim that one of the Anthony Padillas started throwing punches. Others claim that all the Padillas had an identity crisis and burst into tears.

All we know is that at 4:32 p.m., six men claiming to be Anthony Padilla were detained for questioning by the Davis Police Department (PD).

In a press release this morning, April 1, 2025, the Davis PD released the following statement:

“Te past 12 hours have been a troubling time for our small town community. We went from having zero to six Anthony Padillas in mere moments, and we have the whole country’s eyes on us. We take our responsibility of fnding Sacramento’s ‘emo golden boy’ very seriously. As many of you would expect, naturally we checked the collar of

the suspect’s shirts frst, to see if their owners wrote their name on it. To our shock, each of the suspects had the initials ‘A.P.’ sewn into the collars of their shirts. We have reason to believe that some suspects either happened to share these initials, are afliated with the Aeropostale clothing brand or took Advanced Placement biology in high school very seriously; Tere’s no way to know for sure.

We next tried to decipher the real Padilla from his tattoos, however, during the chaos, a broad-tip Sharpie marker was passed around amongst the contestants. Only time will tell which tattoos are truly permanent.

Late last night, we attempted to fy in some of Padilla’s close friends and family for questioning. Upon calling Padilla’s childhood best friend and coowner of their company Smosh, Ian Hecox, he simply told us to ‘just pick one and mail him back to me.’”

A reporter asked if they checked each suspect for identifcation or driver’s licenses. Davis PD reported that they are in the process of investigation and appeared to nervously motion to one of their ofcers to go check. As of the date of publication, the identity of the real Anthony Padilla is still unknown. Campus ofcials are moving to ban both look-alike contests and Anthony Padilla from UC Davis, in hopes that nothing like this ever happens again.

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

Exclusive: UC Davis’ Cheeto the Cat breaks his silence in a fur-rocious interview

BY AALIYAH ESPAÑOL-RIVAS arts@theaggie.org

On April 3, Te California Aggie obtained an exclusive sit-down interview with the famous, unofcial UC Davis mascot, Cheeto the Cat. After being a UC Davis icon for nearly six years, he sat down with Te Aggie to discuss his feelings about the campus and its students. Below is the transcript of the interview, with Cheeto translations done by Translation Directors Ileana Monserrat Meraz and Samuel Ruiz.

Español-Rivas: I’m glad you could join me today for this interview. How are you?

Cheeto: Meow, meow, meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow? [Fine, fne, fne. Can we skip the formalities and get into the real reason why I’m here?]

Español-Rivas: Of course. Firstly, I mean you started out on this campus as a kitten and now are arguably our second mascot. How do you feel about that? Did you always know you were meant for the spotlight?

Cheeto: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow,

meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. [Obviously I knew I was gonna be a star, I mean look at me. As for the city of Davis, I was born and raised here. I know Davis like the back of my paw. Tis place is more of my home than any student can say.]

Español-Rivas: Wow. You seem really passionate about Davis, can I ask what your favorite place on campus is?

Cheeto: Meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. [Physics Building, paws down. I enjoy seeing all the STEM students come out of class defeated. I always make sure to make an appearance during their midterms and fnals week, lift up their spirits, give them something to live for.]

Español-Rivas: Speaking of students, how do you feel about the student-created Instagram account? 14.4k followers is not a small number.

Cheeto: Meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

Tercero cows complain of smell coming from student dorms

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side

BY NADIA IWACH nmiwach@ucdavis.edu

Amid student housing expansion, the school administration has faced increasing criticism concerning the student dorms’ olfactory footprint.

On Tuesday, the Tercero cows formally lodged a complaint citing an “overwhelming, pungent and putrid” scent permeating from nearby residence halls. Reportedly difused at 10:27 p.m. each night, cows described the scent as a skunk-like haze.

Te scent, allegedly, has disrupted grazing routines, increased confusion and spiked appetites amongst the cows — reigniting criticism for their previously condemned carbon emissions. Te organization audited and overhauled their olfactory imprint after an ill-fated campus tour left 12 students in need of medical attention after a contact high, according to the Tercero Bovine Union (TBU).

“As Davis’ fagship residents, we’ve worked tirelessly to represent our community,” Mary Jane, a spokesperson for the TBU, said. “We even media-trained our cows ahead of frst-year Moov-In. Blame for this stench negates our eforts and threatens a public relations crisis of unprecedented scale.” With outreach initiatives including emissions reports and open facility tours, Jane stated this “unauthorized atmospheric branding” drafted beyond the scope of their public relations budget. Despite good-faith investigations and diplomacy, the TBU claimed the odor’s nightly difusion violated its environmental agreement with the university, which allows only a preapproved annual release, typically in late April. Te agreement was initially designated as a risk-reduction measure in 2018, after a TBU task force and school ofcials failed to contain the scent’s spread from hotspots in the Arboretum, Memorial Union Quad and Central Park. Given its proximity to Picnic Day, the cows similarly expressed concerns about the dual

infux of students and herbaceous emissions.

With increased foot trafc and media exposure, the TBU reportedly threatened to partake in recreational herb-burning if the administration fails to take action. Te threatened strike and demonstration, UC Davis analysts predict, could lead to widespread strain on various Davis resources, including emergency veterinary services, custodial staf, agricultural operations and the Silo food trucks. In light of widespread budget cuts across ASUCD, students, faculty and cows fear the school may no longer possess the infrastructure to weather the herbaceous haze and its efects.

In a pivotal statement, the TBU argued that thoughtfully gazing through a window would no longer be enough. Instead, a bovine citizen published a series of stipulations and changes to YikYak, stating the looming crisis necessitated more decisive, hands-on action. In their list of reparatory demands, the Tercero cows called for industrial jet engines, a lukewarm regurgitation of the UC Davis Principles of Community by faculty and a public apology issued on the UC Davis Barstool Instagram account.

While university ofcials assured the TBU they would actively mitigate all concerns, sources claim the only response thus far has been a littering of Yankee Candle gift cards and “hoping for the best.”

In response, the bovine community has announced it will be hosting an open-forum town hall during the nightly difusion, open to any individual or concerned citizen sober enough to sit still.

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

The California Aggie provides an indepth transcript on Cheeto, talking all things paparazzi, mental health struggles and his future at UC Davis

meow meow…Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow? Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow…meow meow? [I think it’s fattering. Although sometimes students submit unfattering photos. It’s sweet that people love taking pictures of me. I mean who wouldn’t? Although sometimes it can be a lot. Especially when I’m taking a nap… like seriously?]

Español-Rivas: Does the constant student paparazzi ever get too much for you?

Cheeto: Meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow, meow and meow, meow meow meow meow. [Not too much, but sometimes I wish students would just pet me and let me breathe. Yes I know I’m cute, cuddly and photogenic, but I’m also a cat too.]

Español-Rivas: I totally agree. It must be so exhausting to be you. What advice do you have for your fans or anyone who aspires to be you?

Cheeto: Meow meow meow meow! Meow meow meow meow.

“Meow

meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow.” [You’ve got to be kitten me! Tere’s only one Cheeto. But if I can share some wisdom from an old feline friend of mine: “You have power over your mind, not external factors. Realize this, and you will fnd strength.”]

Español-Rivas: How wise, thank you for that. Looking to the future, where do you see yourself?

Cheeto: Meow meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow, meow meow meow

meow meow. Meow meow meow meow? [Honestly wherever the wind blows me, Texas, or any sunny place. I do love to sunbathe. Wherever I may be, I know I will be loved by all. How can you resist this face? *proceeds to do “Puss in Boots” cute face]

Español-Rivas: Well, those are all of my questions, thank you for your time.

Cheeto: Meow. Meow. [Purrfect. Deuces.]

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional.

CRYSTAL CHEN / AGGIE

LANHUI ZHEN / AGGIE

NOVA MAI / AGGIE

T e 10th car changed the demeanor of the world around everyone who saw it. It was dingy, gray and Roblox-shaped — it was a Cybertruck. “Unwritten” stopped playing in my headphones; In fact, my entire phone began to overheat so badly that it was close to exploding in my pocket. T e shadows of the leaves on the concrete sidewalk turned into skulls, people’s bikes and cars suddenly had f at tires, and drivers started to crash into each other left and right. T e walk signal f nally turned on, and as people were crashing into each other all around me, I ran as fast as I

It was a beautiful morning. T e sun was glistening and rays beamed through the tree leaves, making oddshaped shadows on the sidewalk. I was walking to Trader Joe’s, listening to “Unwritten” by Natasha Beding f eld in my headphones and humming along. I pushed the crosswalk button to cross the street and waited for my turn along with many others on their bikes. T e cars were still zooming past us, and because we were waiting, I decided to start counting the cars. One…two…three…four… f ve… six…seven…eight…nine…te-

BY SABRINA FIGUEROA sﬁgueroaavila@ucdavis.edu

was peaceful. It was Trader Joe’s. I could f nally shake o f that terrible feeling that the Cybertruck was coming for me — it could not catch me in here. I needed to buy Everything but the Bagel Sesame Seasoning Blend and maybe some f owers, so that’s what I did. Even though my morning was marked by a traumatic event, I could still move on. After I picked up the seasoning and hydrangeas, I went to pay for my items. walked up to the register, excited for the employee to f irt with me. But it didn’t happen. He threw my hydrangeas in a brown paper Trader Joe’s bag — I practically heard them call out for help. He then held up the Everything but the Bagel Seasoning bottle, told me “ T is is disgusting,” and threw it in the same bag as the hydrangeas. Like, what was going on? I don’t know if he was coked out or what. T is was NOT my Trader Joe’s; T is was HELL. I paid and left, making my way back to my apartment. T e sun had gone away, and everything had turned a light gray. No one was smiling, and people were still trying to pick themselves up from their crashes. T at Tesla truck left the small town of Davis in complete chaos. If the dinosaurs were still around,

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

they’d go extinct all over again — it was that bad. PING! I received a noti f cation on my phone from Canvas, alerting me that one of my midterms, which was 50% of my grade, had been graded. I had studied for weeks for that exam — day and night, 24/7 — and I felt great about it when I turned it in. I opened the noti f cation as I walked to my apartment and it showed that I got 100%! I was so happy, and smiled and thought about how my day was f nally starting to look up. I looked up from my phone, feeling like a girl who was going to be okay. ZOOOMM! From the corner of my eye, I saw the same Cybertruck pass me by. But, nothing happened that time. I looked back down at my phone and suddenly my grade turned into a big fat goose egg — a zero. May Tesla go bankrupt, and Elon Musk, may your life be as pleasant as you are.

Cybertrucks

My day was ruined by They are just so ugly and unlucky

Pregame for Picnic Day at ... ?

BY LAUREN SWING

Im worried my roommate is going

throughmetamorphosis............

Managing Editor Alyssa Crevoiserat has some Kafka-esque, nocturnal tendencies — roommate Savannah Anno finally speaks out

SAVANNAH ANNO arts@theaggie.org

T e Grete to her Gregor, will Anno be able to accept Crevoiserat’s new, looming form?

“I took Entomology 001 my f rst quarter at UC Davis, but that was really because of my love for…other bugs that aren’t cockroaches,” Anno said. “I could barely even handle holding one at the Bohart Museum, what am I supposed to do when she starts feeling me up with her antennae? Am I supposed to start keeping my old leftovers and feeding her my rotten vegetables? She doesn’t even like ripe ones.” “Now that she brings it up, I have been feeling di f erent,” Crevoiserat said. “ T e urge to scale a wall and look at the room while I’m upside down, reverting to workaholic tendencies, not being able to stand bright lights, and also my legs have been feeling weird…almost like they might multiply?”

We all know the tale thanks to high school English. A man wakes up in the morning only to f nd that something about himself feels…changed. Of course, he’s transformed into a bug. T ought of as one of the greatest literary works of all time, Franz Kafka’s “ T e Metamorphosis” is widely regarded as a work of surrealist f ction. Fiction, as in “this couldn’t possibly happen in real life.” Fiction, as in “there’s no way my roommate is turning into an insect right before my very eyes, right?” Sometimes, life imitates art. Sometimes, your roommate slowly starts to imitate…other things.

At f rst, I thought making friends with the Arboretum ducks was a genius idea. T ey’re low energy, appreciative of nature and have no idea what Canvas is, so there’s never any conversation about classes and college-related stress. Plus, they have small appetites, so they never demand that you share your Spokes fries with them. Mostly, though, I thought being friends with ducks would be a wise decision because surely they weren’t capable of hurting my feelings the way people can. Ducks don’t have cell phones, therefore they can’t leave you on read. T ere’s no academic or cosmetic competition with a duck either. Instagram? T ey don’t know, and really don’t care, either. For the amateur duck befriender, it’s worth noting that their language is really not all that hard to decipher. T ey’ve really only got seven or eight types of quacks, and they’re quite easy to replicate. If you ask me, us English majors ought to be allowed to ful f ll our foreign language requirement by taking three quarters of “Beginner’s Duck.” T ese thoughts were what led me to start spending my gaps in between classes chatting with the Arboretum ducks. T ey’re pretty easy to f nd and surprisingly chatty. It also turns out that ducks are very funny. Seriously, they have a great sense of humor — that is, if you can ignore the number of avian puns they like to make. You can only laugh at a duck’s favorite ballet being “ T e Nutquacker” so many times. As time went on, my hypothesis that ducks were superior pals to humans proved to be only half right. All of the reasons why they seemed easier to get along with were the same reasons they gave me a headache. T ey don’t care if your teaching assistant just gave you a disappointing grade on the project you poured over for several sleepless nights. As it turns out, they don’t care about almost anything humans value (the exception being, of course, a good snack. Ducks are great dining buddies). That’s the problem with being the only human in a group full of ducks: T ey won’t let you forget that you’re not one of them. T ey only ever want to chat about things ducks care about, like how cold the Arboretum water is or what sort of dogs are

the scariest. Don’t even bother if you’re a dog person — tell them about your pet back home and they’ll be quite o f ended. Sure, ducks don’t worry about classes, but that’s because they spend their time on decidedly simpler pursuits. In the most cliche way possible, they just love “Duck, Duck, Goose.” And since they’re already ducks, well, you’ll always have to be the bird that’s left over. After my 20th round of being the “goose,” my patience was beginning to wear thin, and I was rethinking my social choices. My consensus? I only recommend befriending the feathered inhabitants of our beautiful Arboretum if you have a love of dad jokes and a high patience for never-ending children’s games. If you f t that bill (haha, get it?), be my guest and pay the ducks a visit. I think I’ll just keep trying my luck with human friends instead. Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

“I know I study human development, but none of my professors have ever said anything about humaninto-giant-cockroach development,” Anno said. “What am I supposed to do when the Editor-in-Chief comes knocking on our door and I have to explain to him that his managing editor can’t get out of bed because she’s turned into a massive, nocturnal insect? We are so getting f red.” We reached out to Editor-inChief Chris Ponce, a fourth-year political science and philosophy double major, for comment, only to receive no response. Sources say he’s locked himself in his o f ce, scared to attend his next meeting with the soon-to-be insectoid managing editor. Hopefully, she remains vegetarian in spite of this new transformation. Crevoiserat, amidst the outpouring of concerns from sta f seems to be taking these comments right on the chin.

“I’ve known her since the seventh grade, I can tell when something’s o f ,” Savannah Anno, a third-year human development major and California Aggie sta f writer, said. “It’s not like it’s too unusual for her — staying up late, eating kind of strange — but lately things have just been getting a little too weird.” Anno, long-term best friend and roommate of Managing Editor Alyssa Crevoiserat, a third-year managerial economics major, recently reached out to the rest of T e California Aggie’s sta f to con f rm her suspicions surrounding Crevoiserat’s increasingly strange behavior. “I mean I wasn’t thinking about it, but once Savannah started to explain the things she’s been seeing in their apartment, it kind of all came together,” Ana Bach, a fourth-year English major and California Aggie Arts & Culture desk editor, said. “We’re all just waiting for the day she crawls into an Editorial Board meeting on six legs.”

“ T is most recent f nals week, she didn’t sleep…for four nights straight,” Anno said.

“These are dark times, turning into a bug is the least of my worries,” Crevoiserat said. “I can’t wait to go outside, scare people, then lie and tell them ‘it’s just a bug costume,’ and then start chasing them when they’ve let their guard down.” Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional.

“She told me she was experiencing pain all over her body: her eyes, her legs, her arms. Obviously, something inside of her is changing. T e week before that, when she thought I wasn’t home, I caught her going through our trash…smiling to herself.”

With such serious accusations, we reached out to the very subject of these claims for comment. “No surprises here, I get this pretty often,” Crevoiserat said. “More than anything, I feel seen. Savannah’s always really liked bugs, so I feel like she’d love me anyway. I’m not concerned.”

SAVANNAH BURGER / AGGIE

POV: You’re playing duck, duck, goose.

(Justin Han/ Aggie)

how it goes

The astrology app infested my daily life five years ago and has controlled me ever since

Disclaimer: ( T is article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely f ctional. T e story and the names of “sources” are f ctionalized.)

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

Navigating the future:

Many complain about their addictions to doomscrolling on TikTok or spending too much time looking at in f uencers’ pro f les and cooking videos on Instagram. It increasingly seems we all have developed a technology-based vice. Mine? Co–Star. Co–Star is an astrology platform that takes your birth place and time and creates daily horoscopes based on your exact details. T e horoscopes contain a single main advice phrase, three do’s and three don’ts for the day, and a more in-depth paragraph describing recommendations of how to conduct your day and the main challenges you are facing. It also assesses in which facets of your life you have power, pressure or trouble, such as in routine, self, social life and sex and love. T ere are other elements the app has to o f er — a chart depicting something related to suns and planets and signs (I never said I know I know anything about astrology). I’m there for the predictions, not to understand moons and suns. I started o f my Co–Star journey simply dabbling in the platform, checking it whenever I remembered I had it downloaded and viewing it as a silly and chronically accurate prediction app. It told me things I wanted to hear like, “Do: co f ee date, favorite book and face masks.” Say less! What a great excuse to do all of these things, I’d think. I remember the very f rst time I knew I was hooked on Co–Star. I’d started my day like any other day: immediately checking the app, yearning for some sort of sign of how to navigate my day. Among the three do’s for my day was “laser pointer.” Up until this point, the do’s and don’ts of Co–Star seemed like mere suggestions, maybe, perhaps, even automated ones unrelated to my star sign. It was then when I realized I’d been extremely mistaken: I was sitting in my LIN 001 lecture in one of the social sciences lecture halls, and my professor was using a laser pointer to facilitate his lecture. “What a funny coincidence,” I thought. I immediately thought of my day’s Co–Star messages, its do’s and don’ts ingrained in my brain from the very moment I saw them that morning. T en the unexpected happened: He said the word “laser pointer” exactly as it had been written on my Co–Star prediction. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I don’t remember the context in which he uttered those sacred words — it didn’t matter to me. Clearly, I was meant to be in that afternoon lecture. Fate, not Schedule Builder or General Education requirements, led me to that LIN 001 class. I never ever skipped that class again. That eye-opening, spiritual awakening in that lecture hall happened three years ago. Ever since then I’ve been hooked. My heightened obsession developed when I was studying abroad. I’d lured my foreign friends into using the app, and it quickly became one of our main topics of conversation. We’d all meet for a leisurely co f ee every morning and, immediately after obtaining our cappuccinos, we’d all go around the table and share our daily Co–Star predictions. We’d share sentiments of shock: “Oh my God, that is SO accurate!” and fear: “Oh NO, what could this even mean?!” Oftentimes we’d also do a Google search to f nd out what some of the do’s and don’ts terms meant (how do you explain “hedonism” or “melodrama” to a non-native English speaker?). T en, cappuccinos f nished and horoscopes analyzed, we’d carry on with our days, all keeping the app’s advice at the forefront of our minds. One morning of those cherished co f ee/Co–Star sessions I found “sushi” on my list of do’s. “Well, the universe must want us to go,” one of my friends said. To be fair, we’d been craving sushi for weeks. Hours later, we were f nishing our f nal bites of sashimi and edamame. I quietly thought that the universe most certainly wanted us to blow 22 euros and three hours on raw f sh on a weekday. Aside from the app’s seemingly random do’s and don’ts, the main horoscope message from the app gets more into the explicit side of horoscopes. T is phrase comes in as a noti f cation once a day at a seemingly random time. I have countless screenshots of extremely accurate Co–Star messages coming in at the most applicable times: “ T at person is not why you’re feeling shitty” after I’d been spending far too much time dwelling over a particular somebody. “Remember the murmurs calling you home” while seated at the airport ready to board a f ight home. Maybe this app knows me better than I know myself, I’d think. On a day-to-day basis, I let this app guide me more than I’d like to think. Do: co f ee? Expect a warm beverage in my hand by 8 a.m. Do: eye contact? Time to stare at that one person in my lecture (as if I wasn’t planning on doing that anyway). T e worst is when it recommends you do something you really don’t want to do at all. Do: letting go? Maybe the app is having an o f day. Don’t: situationship? It’s just a silly app! It doesn’t know my situation, let alone my situationship. Sometimes I’ll grow so close to deleting the app. I’ll realize it doesn’t know me as an individual, and instead leads me to act in strange ways: seeking out a f zzy drink when didn’t need one in the f rst place or avoiding napkins for no apparent good reason. However, something always stops me from abandoning that prison of an app. Maybe one day Co–Star will lead me exactly where I need to be — or maybe it will just lead me to a mediocre sushi restaurant.

BY RACHEL GAUER

features@theaggie.org

streamlining strategies for market domination, one

Harness the power of business at The Paradigm Shift Collective® and join a corporation that only uses buzz words to make themselves look smarter than they are

laswing@theaggie.org

LAUREN SWING

of Lake Stafford, UC advantage of the

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely ﬁctional. The story and the names of “sources” are ﬁctionalized.)

Are we actually making a di f erence, or just making LinkedIn posts that say we are? T e answer, we decided, was irrelevant. And that’s because at T e Paradigm Shift Collective®, we don’t really know what we do, but it’s de f nitely intending to strategically change the game. And you can join us by investing in the work that we do to extrapolate growth vectors, because it’s our mission to give you all of the solutions to your business inquiries. The game-changing genesis of our industry-revolutionizing systems Founded on the time-tested principle that efficiency should sound impressive, even if it’s inexplicable, T e Paradigm Shift Collective® set out to rede f ne industry norms by implementing jargon-laden frameworks that create the illusion of momentum. From our humble beginnings drafting nebulous business plans to our current status as a thought-leadership powerhouse, we have remained committed to pushing the boundaries of corporate verbosity and speaking in even bigger circles that would make even the most experienced venture capitalist rethink their life choices. In short, we’re most likely doing something groundbreaking (we think) Our primary service is “Enterprise Synergy Optimization™ (ESO)”, a completely vague system that involves data-driven thought leadership, proactive integration and transformation matrices — all without ever specifying what we actually do to get you solutions. In leveraging a multi-dimensional forecasting methodology, we are a global epicenter of revitalized business. By streamlining the process (but never de f ning what the process actually is or how to streamline), we position ourselves to proactively project our f ndings into an overarching, co-created sustainable growth with a hyper-personalized roadmap that reinforces the path to success. We don’t just break barriers, we ideate outside of them. We don’t just provide solutions, we curate turning points. In doing so, we’ve successfully built a company that thrives on leveraging the synergies of nothingness while maintaining an unwavering commitment to sounding like we are on the brink of something major. And that, our dear stakeholder, is how we are rede f ning tomorrow — one incomprehensible strategy at a time.

BY IQRA AHMAD arts@theaggie.org

In today’s fast-paced economy, we’re circling back here at T e Paradigm Shift Collective® and recalibrating our initiatives to move the needle and align with core competencies and values. It’s imperative that as a next-generation startup, we focus on making deliverable outputs that bring to the table innovative ideas. With cutting-edge technology and e f ective crossfunctional scalability, we foster holistic values on deploying frameworks that empower stakeholders and provide end-to-end solutions. The birth of The Paradigm Shift Collective®: pioneering a new tomorrow, today It all started in a dimly lit boardroom, where the scent of overcon f dence and ego permeated as ideas bounced o f the drawing board. Investors spoke in a garrulous manner, their voices rich with the cadence of disruption and power plays, while our founding members — visionaries, really — sat in navy-blue suits around a polished mahogany meeting table, sophisticatedly nodding with an air of perceived knowingness. It was in this moment of ca f einated enlightenment that we pondered the one existential question that loomed over us:

CHRISTINA LIU / AGGIE

ARTS & CULTURE