April 1, 2024

Internship and Career Center gives students first hand job experience

Read about how the ICC gave one

BY ANNABEL MARSHALL almarshall@ucdavis.edu

a thoughtful progression facilitated by the Internship and Career Center (ICC). For students like Owen Eden, a fictional first-year passionate about environmental science, the ICC was invaluable to getting their first hand job experience. “I had always wanted that experience for myself,” Eden said. “After all, isn’t that why we go to college?” The ICC, aware of Eden’s aspirations, started with oneon-one consultations to assess his particular interests and goals.

Through comprehensive workshops and seminars, the ICC let Eden know what to expect, from crafting a compelling personal message to mastering the art of effective networking.

“We worked on everything from what to say to eye-contact. I never realized there was so much to keep track of,” Eden shared.

awkward, but I realized that no matter who you are, there’s a way for you to have the experiences you want,” Eden

After months of reaching out to various sources, Eden finally got the first hand job experience he’d been searching

“It was a burst of joy,” Eden revealed. “I immediately went to tell my mom. She was so happy for me. She’s been wanting this for me since I

Eden’s friends were just as

“I knew he could do it,” first-year Hungy Bartles said. “Owen is the first in our friend group, probably because the rest of us are engineering majors and the market isn’t that good for us. Still, his success gives me a lot of hope.”

Despite his success, Eden wants students to know that this isn’t the end of his

“It definitely gave me some clarity. Your first isn’t always the right fit. I’m hoping to get at least a couple more opportunities before I graduate,” Eden shared.

When asked about his post-grad plans, Eden replied, “I really want to give back. I’m very grateful and I am looking forward to repaying the favor.”

BY ANNABEL MARSHALL almarshall@ucdavis.edu

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Monkeys, group hugs and Panda Express discussed at April 1 meeting

And $5 million more was given to Lawntopia, but no one really knows why

BY LILY FREEMAN campus@theaggie.org

Internal Vice President (IVP) Aarushi Raghunathan called the April 1 meeting to order at 6:10 p.m. After roll call, she performed the UC Davis Land Acknowledgement, the pledge of allegiance and a short speech about the importance of personal hygiene.

Next, the table moved to elect the ASUCD Senate Petty Argument Mediator — a brand new position created after tensions rose during last week’s hot debate regarding SB #41, which would require that each Senate meeting be fully catered by Panda Express through funding taken from The Pantry’s annual budget. While a few brave senators said that the bill would give the Senate a “bad rep,” a majority argued that the backlash would be worth it.

Senate,” multiple senators said at the same time.

“If I have to sit here until midnight every Thursday attending to squabbles that make high-school drama sound dignified, I deserve my broccoli beef,” one senator said. Every senator confidently nominated themself for the position of petty argument mediator, citing examples of petty arguments they had been involved with. “I once sent in an anonymous article to The Aggie complaining about the other members of the

“Remember you straight-up impeached me? That was only a couple of months ago,” said (still) President Ojeda. Everyone looked at each other. One senator sent a text message under the desk and everyone’s phone except Ojeda’s buzzed. Another petty argument developed and hours of discussion resulted in the role being erased altogether. Instead, the senators unanimously voted to add that “group hugs after heated disagreements” be added to the bylaws.

A long group hug then followed, and the senators were so immersed in this communal embrace that no one

realized that they had been doing this for nearly an hour. Upon snapping back to reality, Raghunathan called for a 20-minute break as the group’s Panda Express had just arrived.

After the break (which, after the table decided to go for seconds, was more like 35 minutes), it was time for quarterly reports. Unitrans went first. Unit Director Jeff Flynn was happy to report an exciting collaboration project with the Primate Research Center, where monkeys will now drive the buses in lieu of budget constraints that hinder the hiring of student drivers.

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The California Aggie’s Editor-in-Chief Sonora Slater, drinks her tea in a storage closet—odd place, but who am I do judge. (Edit: I wasn’t aware Annabel Marshall has taken over, please replace the caption.) (Maia Zhu / The Gaggie)

[2024] City of Davis approves new landscape mandate

The new mandate will require that “all blades of grass are kept to equal standards”

BY CHRIS PONCE city@theaggie.org

At the most recent city council meeting, the city of Davis discussed a new proposed mandate for landscape design. The controversial resolution requires all Davis homeowners to ensure the artificial grass

on their lawns is an olive shade of green. The move comes after a recommendation from the Tree, Open Space and Habitat and Recreation and Park Commissions. Committee members stated the resolution will ensure “all blades of grass are kept to equal standards.”

Mayor Josh Chapman discussed the complicated planning process that went into this decision.

“Each commission was tasked with observing several shades of

green,” Chapman said. “The Tree Committee considered the shades tea, seafoam, moss, forest and jade. The Recreation and Park Commission considered sage, emerald, pickle and pine. And of course, the Open Space and Habitat team looked into olive, artichoke and even turquoise.”

It was a contentious meeting with nearly five public commenters showing up to express their concern with the resolution. Some in attendance even referred to the mandate as “authoritarian and unpleasant for the eyes.”

To guarantee the council made the right decision, the committees spent 40 minutes (each) presenting slideshows explaining the different shades of green. The room, silent with anticipation, was interrupted by a coughing sound coming from someone in the audience.

BY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF ANNABEL MARSHALL

Councilmember Donna Neville shared her controversial take on the proposed mandate.

“I’d like to address an important concern I share with the recommendations we are looking at today,” Neville said. “While I understand this is a very important issue to the Davis community and should be taken with the utmost respect, there’s something I don’t get. There isn’t a difference between olive and army green.”

Several members of the council gasped at the dissenting opinion. While the council refused to address Neville’s comment, Public Information Officer Barbara Archer sent a statement via email regarding the incident.

“The city council exists to share what they believe is best for the city, even if that means disagreeing with each other,” Archer said in a

press release. “However, olive and army are clearly different shades of green. Army has some dark forest-like attributes while olive is more moss-like.”

To clarify the confusion, the chair of the Recreation and Park Commission gave another 40 minute long presentation on color theory and why each shade is different. Following this heated discussion, the council opened the room for public comment.

“I am a Davisite, I’ve called this wonderful city home for nearly 60 years,” the first public commenter who wished to stay anonymous said to the council. “And in all of my time living here, there has never been such a controversial topic. The council’s decision will dictate the aesthetics of Davis for generations to come. Will we be a community that gives off the unwelcoming sentiments of forest green? Or will we welcome travelers with the sight of a glorious emerald green? The answer is clear to me.”

Professor John Green — no, not that John Green — is a color theory professor from UC Davis. He addressed the council and shared why olive is the least welcoming form of the color.

“I mean, just look at it,” Green said. “Olive is just like really ugly. Turquoise just acutely represents the heart and soul of Davis, you can’t go wrong with it.”

The council unanimously voted to approve the new mandate, in spite of the dissatisfaction of the public commenters. The council moved onto the next item on the agenda, approving the new permitted height of picket fences.

Disclaimer: Okay, I know I said I had it under control. I do have it under control. Everything is under control. That being said, I may have lost control. I forgot that we’re actually supposed to cover the news in this newspaper, not just fun UCD gossip (Campus), wacky movie reviews (Arts & Culture), hot athletes (Sports), the horrors of the modern ages (Science & Tech), and whatever the hell Features does. So for the City section, we had to pull some random articles in from The Aggie’s archives. I didn’t really take a close look at any of them but I’m sure they’re great. If anyone figures out what the Features desk is supposed to do, please email me.

[1993] City admits they weren’t really doing construction, just wanted chance to dress up in hard hats

It’s called constructioncore, okay?

On Jan. 29, the city of Davis began construction along Mace Boulevard to create safer bike lanes and ease traffic in the area. Throughout construction, most of Mace Boulevard and surrounding streets will be closed to traffic. The project is set to last through mid April. This project was spearheaded by John Marcos, executive director of Davis’s Development, Fashion and Planning Division.

“We just want to make Davis safer,” Marcos said. “There are a lot more people in that part of town now, and we want to make sure bikers feel safe on the roads and things don’t feel too cramped.”

Lawrence Legwarm, a construction worker with the Mace Boulevard project talked about his love of construction and why he enjoys being on the job.

“When we’re not working on a site, we’re not allowed to wear our outfits,” Legwarm said, gesturing to his orange hat and big tool belt, adorned with two hammers, a dangly pocket watch and a drill. “Our outfits are awesome and they give us something really cool to wear out and about. When I don’t have my fun outfit on, I’m not as visible to cars and things like that, [...] I worry that without my outfit, I’m not gonna get recognized by anyone I know.”

This construction project on Mace Boulevard is unique — construction workers have been given a significant say in the decision-making process.

This project is part of a recent Davis initiative, “Rise Up: Neighborhood Workers Alliance of Yolo” (RUNWAY), which allows workers more flexible hours, an improved health plan and an opportunity to lead each construction project for a week.

Since this worker-led project was initiated, the average length of construction projects has increased by 127%, with some projects lasting up to 12 years. Marcos explained that this initiative has been successful in improving the day-to-day lives of Davis construction workers.

“RUNWAY has done a great job giving a voice to the workers on each construction project,” Marcos said. “And boy have they used their voices.

When you allow each team member to be in charge, they catch problems they never would have caught otherwise.” Marcos referred to one construction worker, Jonathan Mittens, who, during his time as project manager, found that the piping underneath Mace Boulevard had been laid upside down and backwards. Though helpful, this discovery set construction back an additional 18 months. Mittens gave his take on this issue.

“I was not happy to have to set all the crew back so far,” Mittens said. “It can be really disheartening to lose so much progress. But we were all okay with it ultimately because it meant we could keep wearing our outfits. My

orange hat is the reason I get up out of bed in the morning. And the big chainsaw that I hang off of my utility belt is the reason that I can sleep well at night. I also like wearing really big sunglasses.”

On Feb 12., Davis resident Judith Plumcot received a notice on her front door telling her that construction was being extended, and that the road outside her house would be completely blocked off for an additional seven months. Plumcot expressed her frustration at the seemingly endless construction projects in Davis.

“I don’t understand how I’m supposed to get back to my house once I leave,” Plumcot said. “Because of the closures, I have to walk 20 minutes to the nearest road, where I can park my car. The walk gets really cold in the mornings. My kids hate it. It feels like this construction team has just been inventing more and more projects to drag it out as long as possible.” Legwarm offered his thoughts on the future of the project.

“I really see no end in sight,” Legwarm said. “As long as hollow orange hats and lopsided, dangly belts keep looking as damn cool as they do, I don’t think we’re ever gonna stop. We’re gonna keep using our unlimited week-long leadership given to us by RUNWAY to keep extending this baby till the water towers in Davis turn purple and all the cows walk to Sacramento. It’s never gonna stop. Buckle in — the freeway exit right near the tunnel, we’re coming for you next. Prepare to be more backed up than you’ve ever been, and good luck trying to leave your house.”

To see Davis construction workers looking hot and engaging in groundbreaking collective action, visit Mace Boulevard from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. daily.

BY EMMA CONDIT city@theaggie.org

Watching his team at work, the construction worker smiles in approval of the construction at hand. (Courtesy of Ridofranz and iStock / fair use)

[1970] Protester desperately tries to pick up chicks at voting rights rally

McLovin’s attempts at flirtation reportedly include awkward references to the weather, comparisons between the struggle for voting rights and his personal journey as a misunderstood artist and an ill-advised attempt to start a sing-along of protest songs that he was later booed for.

When approached for comment, McLovin insisted that his actions were a form of “protest through love,” claiming that building personal connections was just as important as political activism. However, his explanation failed to resonate with many of his fellow activists, who were left scratching their heads at his unconventional approach.

“I’m just super passionate about women and love, but mostly women,” McLovin said. “I thought what better way to support those two things than show up and try to serenade a bit.”

Unfortunately, protestors were not amused by his antics, one of those being Chancellor James H. Meyer.

“I think I’ve seen that McLovin kid rollerblading around the quad trying to chat up girls when I go on my lunch break,” Meyer said. “We’re here protesting for voting rights, and he’s being an idiot!”

Despite his best efforts, McLovin attempts at wooing potential romantic partners proved fruitless. As the rally drew to a close and attendees began dispersing, he was left alone, clutching his acoustic guitar.

Student accused of using ‘ Cards Against Humanity

’ to write Canvas discussion posts

the game. He does a great job of establishing dominance in the homoerotic volleyball montage that is section two, and we should all remember to apply the message of executing a hostage every hour to our daily lives. There are many important lessons to be learned from his classic work, not the least of which being dick pics.”

Maybe don’t take a page out of their book

New, better national college rankings show UC Davis’ strengths

A response to a classmate’s post to a prompt about the trolly problem: “Hello Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! appreciate your insight into this classic dilemma, particularly when you proposed putting Danny DeVito and heartwarming orphans on the trains. Piggybacking off of the idea that mansplaining can resolve the issue, I want to propose a bleached asshole. Further, I think we should consider framing this issue in terms of Nicholas Cage and these hoes.” Regarding a question about the definition of consciousness: “This is really a problem of old-people smell. We need to consider it as a fuck-ton of almonds, not whatever’s in the fridge.

BY MOLLY THOMPSON

mmtthompson@ucdavis.edu

Add these to your LinkedIn profile, I dare you

The Aggie will follow up about the fate of this student as events unfold, but for the time being we suggest that you do not follow in the footsteps of this student, as their future does not seem bright.

Consciousness is subjective, everyone experiences it differently. Some may feel like a salty surprise, while others may feel like a Bop It, and still others more like erectile dysfunction. There is something floating down the Hudson River with the other garbage, and we need to be asking questions to figure out why. This is not an easy question to answer though — easy questions might include owning and operating a Chili’s franchise, tentacle porn, and crab.” To a classmate’s post about good and evil: “I appreciate your take, but have you considered throwing grapes at a man until he loses touch with reality? What I think you failed to address is the dichotomy of man — humans can be my inner demons and Viagra at the same time, we’re complex creatures. Think of the greatest evils of all time; a bowl of mayonnaise and human teeth, free samples, seeing what happens when you lock people in a room with hungry seagulls, etc. Then think of the greatest goods of all time; many bats, sunshine and rainbows, mouth herpes, etc. Humanity encompasses all of that simultaneously, we are not inherently good nor evil, we are getting really high.”

This past week, a student (who will remain anonymous at their own request) was accused of using cards from the popular game, Cards Against Humanity to write their mandatory Canvas discussion board posts in a lower-division philosophy class. Discussion boards are common parts of many contemporary collegiate courses, with assignments commonly including both fully fleshed out original responses from each student and responses to posts from classmates. This particular student is currently under investigation by the UC Davis Office of Student Support and Judicial Affairs for multiple accounts of using Cards Against Humanity cards to write both original discussion board posts and peer responses, which is (implicitly) against the student code of conduct. We think — this has never happened before so there isn’t actually a rule against it. Still, it really does seem like a breach of conduct. The following includes some of the most problematic excerpts from this student’s discussion board posts and replies: From a prompt asking for a response to an assigned reading: “My opinion of Plato’s The Cave is that it’s analogous to the life of Vladimir Putin. Plato drew insightful connections between toxic masculinity and anal beads — a message any grandma can relate to. My main takeaway is that Plato should shut the fuck up so I can watch

Although it is still unclear how many innocent partygoers like Winthrop were initially infected, it is clear that the resulting rapid spread of the disease has dampened former passions among Davis students and created an obstacle to revolutionary progress on campus. Third-year alchemy major Ambrose Ashcroft stated his displeasure with the lack of hygienic consideration shown by Davis fraternities, citing their ongoing encouragement of revolutionary fervor as a distraction from weightier issues. “Prudence, sobriety and restraint are moral virtues that cannot be forsaken for a petty matter such as the imminent struggle between ourselves and the British forces,” Ashcroft said. “Pray take heed of my words! An abundance of passion is the devil’s avenue!” Some members of the community, such as Ashcroft, have taken the smallpox outbreak as a sobering reminder of the dangers of reckless revelry. Others foresee a greater need to focus on community health in the wake of the smallpox epidemic. “I have peered into the future and I have seen great hardships enveloping our soonto-be nation,” Thaddeus Hawthorne, an undeclared first-year, said. “The future tells me that we must implement quarantine measures to protect uninfected students.” Winthrop echoes the sentiment of unity, hoping to bring peers together rather than drive them away with the fear that the Davis night life brings. “Even if I die, my spirit and all that it stands for should live on through jubilant nights of UC Davis parties,” Winthrop said. “We must preserve this great American legacy for future generations of students.”

Everything is a lie. I am questioning all of reality. I know too much, I’ve seen things I’m not supposed to. I didn’t want it to end like this. I’m hiding under a pile of hay, hoping the Chickfil-A will satisfy them. Oh no, one is coming closer. Tell my mom

I love her. NO. PLEASE. Moooooooooooo.

path through campus.”

UC Davis named #4 for “Most aggressive birds on a university campus.”

#7 for “Most enthusiastic participation in annual campus-wide Nerf Gun wars.”

#2 in “Threatening to impeach student government officials that the student body has never heard of.”

#4 for “Showing up an hour late to a party with one bottle of soju.”

BY ANNABEL MARSHALL

opinion@theaggie.org

outbreak caused by fervent frat party halts revolutionary efforts American Revolution possibly set back by UC Davis smallpox outbreak

Smallpox

College rankings play a crucial role in shaping the perception and reputation of educational institutions. These rankings, often compiled by reputable organizations, assess various factors such as academic quality, faculty credentials, student satisfaction and resources available to students. For a school, a favorable position in these rankings can enhance its visibility and credibility, attracting prospective students, faculty and even potential donors — mostly alumni with an inexplicable sense of pride for a school they attended two decades ago. High rankings can also contribute to a positive feedback loop, as a school’s improved reputation can lead to increased applications, selectivity and, ultimately, a more competitive environment. And who doesn’t want unnecessary competition and freshman ego issues? Additionally, college rankings provide valuable insights for students and parents seeking guidance in their decision-making process, offering a comparative framework to evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of different institutions. For example: “This random website said the school in Oregon is #46, but the one in Arizona is #45, so go be miserable in Phoenix for four years.” This spring, a variety of new metrics have been released to provide prospective and current students with a greater understanding of their university’s strengths and weaknesses. Here are some notable statistics from the report: #1 in “Most acute seasonal depression for a campus that never sees snow.”

#2 in “Highest use per 1000 words of ‘Sheepmower.’” #6 in “Top sustainable agriculture programs for students who can’t grow houseplants.” #3 for “Highest number of undergraduate students from Lowell High School.” #3 in “Best lectures interrupted by the sounds of goats in the distance.” #18 for “Best K-pop cover performances that are entertaining until they block your

BY JULIE HUANG city@theaggie.org

On April 5, a party hosted by an anonymous fraternity, originally billed as a show of Davis students’ support for the impending American Revolution, instead became breeding grounds for the Variola virus, colloquially known as smallpox. Many who attended the event have now contracted the extremely contagious disease and are bedridden with fever and other unsavory symptoms. Tabitha Winthrop, a first-year millinery major who contracted smallpox, experienced symptoms that included a fever of 103 degrees Fahrenheit, chills, migraines, backaches, abdominal pain and the dreaded smallpox rash. Winthrop, bedridden, has missed a week of class, but her troubles may not end there. “I fear may not live to see the dawn of independence,” Winthrop said. “If only had seen the shadowed specter of smallpox in the corner of the dance floor!”

nefarious. That is why I went to the lowest level in the Death Star, broke into those creepy bathrooms and crawled through the sewage systems. crawled and crawled, until my questions were answered. Do you know what came across?

26 cows, sitting around a long table, with a map of the school, a voodoo doll of Gary May, a crystal ball as blue and captivating as Miley Cyrus’s eyes, stacks of gold bars, the rosetta stone and lots of Chick-fil-A. Oh and they were scheming — I could see it in those mischievous cow eyes. The way they rubbed their hooves together. They all looked so determined. They had the faces of the ASUCD senators on the wall Dance Moms pyramid style. They mooed at each other’s ideas, aspirations and litigation. They drank the milk of their enemies. The almonds. Now it all connects. It all makes sense. They are the reason UC Davis jumped in rankings last year. They caused the Lawntopia bill to pass. They predicted the last 10 Sigma Chi presidents. They caused the rainstorm to water the crops on the student farm. They wrote the Dune script. They introduced Taylor Swift to Travis Kelce. These illuminati cows have orchestrated everything around here from these underground tunnels. OH MY GOD, Cheeto is a Russian Blue short-hair?? Dyed Orange?? So he is actually a sleeper agent cat sent to report on the STEM students??? WHATTTT???

UC Davis from their underground tunnels

The cows control

How else can you smell them no matter where you are on campus?

BY CARMEL RAVIV

Ask yourself. What other school has a social movement dedicated to changing the mascot? Every store in Davis, even the restaurants downtown, are cow themed. Cow prints, cow logos, it’s a cow shrine at this point. I can’t even confront them, because they’re not in their usual dairy facility where the plebeians can see them. They’re hiding from me. But why?

There is something mysterious going on here, something

Why am I the hottest person at this school? No seriously you guys

BY CLARA FISCHER opinion@theaggie.org

We have a problem.

I’m not talking about the fact that our opinion editor is apparently experiencing some kind of mental episode. And no, I’m not talking about the unbearable stench of honey-baked ham and drool emanating from the basement either. I’m writing to let you all know that if hotness was a class offered at this school (or any), then I would be ruining the curve for everyone.

Stress management tips for the weak

Stressed out? Me too. Here’s what to do about it.

Now, hear me out.

I know that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” whatever that means, but seriously, I am soooooooo far out of quite literally everyone at this school’s league; it’s frankly kind of scary. And I don’t mean personality. I’m talking sur- face-level, vapid, pretty-on- the-outside, pure steamy hotness that, regrettably, none of you can com- pete with.

BY AUDREY ZHANG aurzhang@ucdavis.edu

Spring

quarter hits the ground running. You have a couple of days to recover from your finals before your inbox is filled with half-cooked syllabi. Here are my personal tips to overcome the stress of being alive.

1. Give your stress a taste of its own medicine. What’s my five year plan? What’s your five year plan?

Ever since I had this epiphany while waiting in line at the Silo Peet’s for my Xtra-large- Xtra-hot-Xtra-mocha drizzle flat white, my life has been Xtra-hard. I mean, I failed all my classes last quarter because I physically couldn’t stop looking at myself in the Snapchat camera during my finals, even when the TA told me I’d “get sent to SJA if I didn’t put my phone away” and that I needed to “leave the building immediately” because I was “being a nuisance to the others in the class.” She clearly just didn’t comprehend how good I looked in my new Rhode peptide lip tint.

On top of that, I fear I’m going to have to break up with my boyfriend because he can’t even look at me anymore without dropping to his knees and worshiping my immense beauty. I hate to do it, but it would be morally wrong to let him live his life on the floor at my feet — plus, I don’t think his joints could handle that. Obviously, obtaining my degree is no longer my top priority. It would be a crime to let this level of attractiveness wither away in Wellman Hall. Effective immediately, I have decided to pursue a teaching credential in the study of Calidum (that’s Latin for “hot,” for those of you unlucky enough to be born both ugly and dumb) and hope to work with UC Davis administration to bring my expertise to a new class here in a few years.

Unfortunately, this means that I will also have to resign from my position as managing editor here at The Aggie, as my groundbreaking research will take me far, far away to a land inhabited exclusively by super hot people. (You’ll never guess where it is.) (No really, you’ll NEVER guess.)

Hopefully Annabel lets Sonora out of that supply closet eventually and she can get back to running the paper. Or not. Either way.

so wrong it’s right.

drive

crazy for always taking forever to submit grades, but love is supposed to make you crazy, so what can you do? The following is what the TA you have a crush on says about you. The TA that always has an exercise for every section: At first, you were annoyed that participation was going to be required. And then, you see how much effort your TA puts into the discussion assignments. There’s group collaboration, timed writes and interactive lectures. It’s like a scavenger hunt for knowledge, that they planned just for you. You like planners, you like someone that really knows your intricate nooks and crannies and challenges you. The two of you will probably be one of those corny families that does trivia at the dinner

2. Trade places with your dog. I don’t see why Fido can’t pay the rent for a day while I lie around and wait for him to come back.

3. Buy several gift cards and leave them behind the trash cans at the Silo. It might not be of much help to you, but it’ll definitely make me feel better once I find them.

4. If you keep it all bottled up, you’ll pop like a balloon. Scream.

5. Scream in public. There, now you’ve got a whole different problem.

6. Punch something.

7. Realize that it actually felt really good.

8. Punch something again.

9. Again!

10. Again!!!

11. You are Muhammad Ali, and the world is your punching bag! Destroy the source of your worries and work! The source of all your evils and essays!

12. Buy a new computer.

13. Consult the elder gods. It’s not like they’re doing anything that important, and are they really that great if they can’t help you with your calculus homework?

14. Pay someone to be stressed out for you. Unless you’re stressed out about money.

15. Pretend to be a hobbit whose biggest worry is getting a second breakfast.

16. It’s hard to be upset when you look at cute animals. Go to the Arboretum and pet a baby duckling. Aren’t they just the cutest, sweetest, littlest, most adorable pootie-wooties–

17.Remember that ducklings have mothers. Bloodthirsty, hair-pulling mothers. Save yourself the trouble and watch from afar like everyone else.

18. Remember that someone out there always has it worse than you. Doesn’t that make you feel better? Likewise, someone out there has it better, and seeing your sad life will make them feel good too. Your stress is an important public service.

19. Maybe your stress is lonely. Help it find a friend. It tends to get along well with exhaustion and crushed dreams.

20. If all else fails, have you tried just avoiding your problems? Me too. It’s probably why I keep coming back to this list.

The TA that complains about the professor to you: You like real talk. You don’t care for the chit-chat. You also love to gossip, you little chisme chaser. Your TA said in office hours they couldn’t believe the professor hadn’t put in the curve yet and you melted when they rolled their eyes. “Honestly, the professor forgets stuff all the time. He’s not very efficient, if I’m being honest.” It’s like they broke the fourth wall, just for you. You feel like you’re best friends already, and that’s what you’re attracted to.

The TA that has an 8 or 9 am discussion:

When you have to wake up at the crack of dawn and commute in the freezing cold, questioning why you signed up for the earliest discussion time, you try to convince yourself it’s worth it. That you gain invaluable knowledge, get a headstart on your day and you get to see your dreamy TA. They’re the rising sun shining through the night’s darkness. That’s how committed you are to seeing your significant other. You give your all to relationships, even waking up early and being confused and half asleep for your two other lectures.

The TA you beg for a better grade

and they eventually give you some extra points: You don’t want a yes man. You like a challenge, a climb, some pushback. You want a strong figure inclined to say no, but eventually says yes, just for you. Half of the fun is you being impressed with yourself, and then telling every person you know you got your TA to boost your grade.

The TA at your 7 - 9:30 lab that’s just as over it as you are: You need someone relatable and genuine. When you come home from your 9-to-5, and need to complain about your boss Becky, your partner should be all, “Ugh. Becky. Who does she think she is? You know what, she’s starting to get on my last nerve.” That’s

the ideal life. When your TA is being all relatable — just wanting to go home, sharing what they’re watching on Netflix, playing some music while you titrate — you just feel at ease. You feel home.

table and make your easter egg hunts way too unnecessarily complicated (or Afikoman, for my fellow Jews).

OPINION

Sonora objects, pleads mercy

Why you should consider not doing this

BY SONORA SLATER smslater@ucdavis.edu

Thisclosetiscold,darkandboring. Small,crampedandlame.Weird,full of a strange amount of unsharpened golfpencilsandprobablyhaunted.IfI leaveoutenoughOxfordcommas,will it bother Annabel enough to unlock the door and let me out? Maybe if I throw in an em dash or two — this closet is dusty, crusty and musty — it’llpushherovertheedge.

Annabel,Bytheway,Idrinkcoffee,nottea. you’re a blatant liar — so muchforjournalisticintegrity.Sickof theemdashesyet?Ifnot,youwillbe —oh,youallwillbe. Someone let me outtttttttt. Clara, if you let me out I promise to get you a doorstop for your office that’s not just a shoe. Laurie, if you let me out I’ll finally move all the old issues stacked in front of our door that at least 12 people have warned me is a firehazard.Anyone,please,ifyoulet meout,I’llrepairthedecrepitfoosball table in the basement. I’ll make sure yourarticlesarealwaysoncolorpages. I’ll dispose of the office mini fridge

andthathasn’tbeenpluggedinsince1983 superbacteriaisslowlycultivatinganewformof immune to all modern medicine. Well, okay, probably not that lasttheone…itscaresmeonadeeplevel.But restaretotallydoable! Annabel, I do so much for you.SwiftWithoutme,whowillkeeptheTaylor popcornbucketintheedboard room stocked with holiday-specific candies? Who will keep the window willdecoratedwithdollarstoredecals?You never have a Reese’s egg or feel holiday joy again without me. Who will water the plants — okay wait, layout director Ariana took that over

after I killed half of them. But back to the Reese’s — Oh yeah, and another thing — I never said we couldn’t run the Eggheads smash or pass piece. I just said it should run under ‘Campus’ instead of ‘Opinion,’ which is objectively true. I stand by that.

Speaking of things I cut from the paper… since I’m a true journalist, let’s look at some hard facts. As collected in the official The Aggie Google document, here’s a list of some of Annabel’s “quality” headlines I, along with my managing editor, stopped from running in print this year.

“It’s so over, but you can still be we’re so back”

“Don’t know what to be for Halloween? The Eds Boards gots yous”

“We did not do it Joe! — Biden ditches COP28” “Taururese? Tauri? Taureses? The Ed Board does horoscopes” … Some things should be censored. And, hey Annabel, what about on Nov. 10, 2023, when you so famously said, and I quote, “Sonora is great?” Your opinions must be rather fickle if you just change them like tha- what’s that? Do I have that quote and date memorized? Of course not! That would be crazy. That’s something only a pathological people pleaser who craves external validation from her coworkers in order to convince her she’s good at her job in the face of a crumbling journalism job market that continues to reject her from every position she applies for would do (Hiring managers, if you’re reading

this, you can find me on LinkedIn www.linkedin.com/in/sonora-slater-at b15a71183/. My GPA is 3.78 and I’m graduating in June). That’s a tangent — back to how you wouldn’t survive without me. Without me, who will respond to the 83 Slack notifications I probably received in the last two minutes, all asking some variety of payroll question that I can’t answer?

Hey, wait a second. Now that I think about it, this closet is kind of nice. No cell service… No one can ask me questions… I’ll never have to send another email again. Spring hiring paperwork? Not my problem. Tuesday nights? I can go to sleep at a hinged hour, while someone else stays up until 2 a.m. to send the paper to the printer! Picnic Day tabling, creating the budget for next year, trying to figure out what to do with that one news box in the Quad that literally no one has ever taken a paper from once? Looks like that’s your problem now, Annabel. Wow. I never imagined I could feel so light and carefree. Well Annabel, one editor-in-chief to another, have fun, and do try to let the graphic designers out of the basement every once in a while — I genuinely think long-term exposure to that mini fridge is dangerous for them, and hiring new ones is just so tedious. Oh, and slip a copy of the new issue underneath the door if you can, and maybe a flashlight — I look forward to reading.

Eggheads, Smash or Pass

BY ANNABEL MARSHALL almarshall@ucdavis.edu

See No Evil/Hear No

Evil: Pass. Busted.

Eye on Mrak: Smash. He seems kind.

Bookhead: Absolutely smash. You know exactly what I mean. Don’t pretend you don’t. Plus, if rubbing his giant bald head is supposed to give you good luck, just imagine the good fortune you’d enjoy after a private night with Mr. Bookhead.

Yin & Yang: Pass. I get overwhelmed by small group conversations so I don’t think a threesome would work for me.

Stargazer: Whimsical. Optimist. Effervescent. Smash. He would not call in the morning.

Would it get awkward if I couldn’t tell the difference between Yin and Yang?

Why

Charlie

Swan should’ve been the protagonist

Move over Bella Swan, we’ve got someone even more confused and quirky than you

BY ELIZABETH WOODHALL arts@theaggie.org

Stephanie Meyer made the wrong choice making Twilight center on Bella Swan — a 17-year-old girl who is too awkward for her own good. Imagine this: Charlie Swan, a police chief living in Forks, Washington who is ready to have his daughter come stay with him for a while. She’s been living in Phoenix, Arizona, so he’s ready to have her visit and explore the gloomy — weirdly always foggy — place.

Song (again) ((it’s all I know)):

“Back to December” by Taylor Swift

I’m pretty sure it’s about the guy who played the werewolf in Twilight

Book: the one with a red and white cover

Keep picturing: Charlie Swan is left out of the story, forced to figure out what the hell is wrong with his daughter. Not only is he coping with the divorce, but he has to see as his daughter gets mysteriously dragged away by supernatural forces. She gets involved with Edward Cullen, a weird rich dude who invented the “mysterious dude” persona, and he is already friends with the Cullen family, too. Not only that, but his close friends from the Quileute Indian Reservation are somehow involved in this (spoiler alert: they are werewolves).

During Twilight, Charlie is an overprotective dad as he sees his daughter fall deeper in love with Edward. He repeatedly offers her a pepper spray, sensing the weird vibes that Edward gives off. On top of this, there have been mysterious series of deaths that are labeled as animal attacks. These attacks are from other vampires,

Even though Bella does offer a compelling story to tell — especially during the age of young adult novels — there’s not much else to her. She falls madly in love with a vampire, has a situationship with a werewolf and is somehow able to give birth to a vampire baby named Renesmee (yes, the one who is imprinted on by the werewolf, Jacob, whom Bella has a situationship with).

James, Victoria and Laurent, who all somehow want to kill Bella. As she is forced to escape, she says some really hurtful words to Charlie — a father who is only trying to help her through her teenage years. The same daughter who he’s trying to protect is attacked and survives, but he isn’t actually aware of what happened. Instead, he is told that she fell out of a window.

As the series progresses, it gets increasingly weirder and weirder for Charlie, especially because he is unaware of the supernatural activity happening in the town he’s supposed to protect. Not only does his daughter fall into months-long depression, but she runs away to Italy, and then gets engaged to Edward. She goes to her honeymoon and when she comes back, Charlie is told that she contracted a rare illness in South America. In reality, she has a baby, Reneesmee, and Charlie is told that she is Edward’s niece, but he can

TV Show: It appears I have reached the limit of my twilight knowledge. Might i recommend watching “buffy the vampire slayer” instead? It, too, has vampires and werewolves! and a female main character with an actual personality!

see that it is, in fact, his granddaughter. At this point, Charlie is aware of the supernatural forces going on — kudos to Jacob for transforming into a werewolf — but he doesn’t seem too bothered by it.

Charlie is protective of his neighborhood — one that seems to be slowly overtaken by a mysterious, dangerous force. Not only would his perspective shift the tone of the novel from romance to horror, but it would also show the hardship of being a father attempting to protect his daughter from

the dangers lurking in the forest. With his hilarious sense of humor and openness to change, he’s a character who deserves to be the protagonist of the Twilight series. Whether the series would have been successful or not is unknown. What is known is this: who doesn’t want to see Charlie Swan, internet DILF, caretaker of his daughter-turned-vampire in the creepy town of Forks, serve as a catalyst for a genre of dads in the supernatural realm?

How Team Jacob has changed who I am as a person

A personal account of the effect Twilight has on relationships

BY SAVANNAH BURGER arts@theaggie.org

We all know that the enjoyers of the Twilight franchise are extremely ardent in their position: Team Jacob or Team Edward. No in-betweens. Fights have broken out over the teams, Tumblr wars have erupted and friendships have ended forever. But some relationships, like the one with my boyfriend, let’s just say have…shapeshifted. It all started when my boyfriend finished the last book of the series, “Midnight Sun.” I myself am not a Twilight fan, so when he shared the news that he finished his reading, I didn’t think much of it. That night, however, he kept mentioning all the ways that Jacob was the better option over Edward, in addition to how much I apparently reminded him of Jacob.

Second-year anthropology major Nid Lefkoff, otherwise known as my boyfriend, was telling me all about Jacob’s advantages.

“Jacob is better to cuddle with because he’s actually warm, especially compared to Edward who’s cold to the touch,” Lefkoff said. “It would be like cuddling with an ice cube that doesn’t melt.”

He then proceeded to tell me that I was more like Jacob because I was fun to hang around, unlike Edward who he finds to be a total prima donna.

“Edward is a dry and mysterious guy; it’s hard to get him to open up,” Lefkoff said. “This is unlike Jacob, who is far more down to Earth and not so caught up with the burden of eternal life. Period.”

I didn’t really understand what he was yapping on about, so we moved on in the conversation, and I let it go.

That was until Lefkoff suggested to me that he wanted me to grow my hair out.

“Jacob’s look was so much more glorious before he cut his hair,” Lefkoff said. “I don’t even care if it was a wig. The vision was real to me.”

After growing my hair out to the middle of my back, Lefkoff then informed me that I should get this wacky tattoo on my upper arm. I thought it looked cool so I went out and got it. At this point, I thought I was rocking this new style. It felt like it was completely me and totally not inspired or ripped off from anyone else’s look.

Soon, I realized that my boyfriend got me all of these new clothes as a surprise! The only thing was… they were only jorts — nothing else. Also, all of my other clothes were inexplicably gone, so I couldn’t do anything but walk around shirtless all the time with my long hair and arm tattoo… so weird.

Everything came together when I went into his room while he was in the bathroom and saw a collage on his wall with red strings tying pictures of me to pictures of Jacob with incoherent scribbles and hearts written all over them.

“I fess up,” Lefkoff said. “I have been secretly trying to turn you into Jacob from Twilight.”

I was stunned. How did I not see this coming?

“I already have bids on a rust-orange 1953 Chevrolet truck on Craigslist,” Lefkoff said. “The only thing left after that was, well…I don’t think werewolves are actually real, so this is the closest we’ll get.”

We have since had many talks, and long story short, I am back to wearing things like shirts, and my hair is now short enough to make ponytails impossible. I’ll have that tattoo forever, though.

After finally watching the series over spring break — there’s no way I’m reading all of that — it broke my boyfriend’s heart when I said that I’m actually…Team Edward.

KELLIE LU / AGGIE

Husks

Corn eeps, petting shale Liver shaped pool of love elaborates Hunger. Fiendish. Carl. In the jar she maneuvers around herself A blade of. Doll hands. Never let me slip, cause if I slip, then I’m slippin Spangled eke future words neaptide fungal

lipTheboilerroomattheCamp Kesem satellite house Parliance. Annabel Marshall

FromACatWhiskersaroundcorners,fluffytailsflickingby,Walkingonfences,watchingbirdsfly.Sleeping in sun-spots and breathingfreshair,NotamomentorseconddoIhavetospare.Outinthewilderness,chasing themice,Stalkingtheshadows,shaking offlice.Purringandmeowing,begging forfood,Burrowing in laundry and snoozingrealgood.Thelifeofacat,sopeacefuland fun, Freedomtorest,toplay,andto run. MayaKornyeyeva

Typography

WET TURTLE ABOUNDING THE HILLS OF GRAIN, STARCH, VARIOUS AND MOLDED FRANKINCENSE LINGERS FROM THE WISEST. HAND, TURNED AND FOLDED AND CARL, AGAIN. MUST YOU MAKE OF ME FOUR THINGS. LIKE COUSINS

REACHING BOTH WAYS. I CRACK THE BONES.

Lecture Chairs half empty: a professor flicks through some slides. A student types on their computer while another one writes. A third flicks through their phone and a fourth gently hums, Another one sips coffee and snacks on a plum. The professor paces back and forth, not being heard. They ask a question, and receive not a word. The students are busy, they’re shopping and texting The professor pauses, finding this behavior vexing. They sigh, take a deep breath and utter the words, “This part is going to be on the final, pay attention my nerds” All eyes swivel up, glazed looks taken over by fear. They scribble and squabble, chairs creak, the mood clears. Finally the professor lets out a laugh, The students look hopeful, their attention is back. Maya Kornyeyeva

Five signs Alice Cullen may have been your queer awakening

The implications of watching the “Twilight” series at such an impressionable age

You may most clearly remember the very first time you saw her: white blouse, dark vest, ribbon choker, gliding through the cafeteria with her siblings. Or maybe, the last time: short pixie cut, layered necklaces, preventing a deadly battle with the Volturi and saving everyone’s lives. Either way, chances are she had a lasting impact.

BY SAVANNAH ANNO arts@theaggie.org

Did you want to be her, or did you want to be with her?

How much time did you spend looking at photos of her outfits on Google, or replaying her scenes with Bella and thinking “wow, I wish I had a best friend like that”?

Whether it was a result of her fashion, her hairstyle or her fangs, here are five signs Alice Cullen may have been your

queer awakening in the 2010s.

You prefer short hair

Perfectly complimenting every iconic Alice outfit is her hair. The choppy, spiky look became a singular feature of the vampire girl. Now, you might find yourself drawn to something similar. Girls with wolf cuts? Girls with pixie cuts? Girls with bangs they definitely cut themselves? Let’s think back to the first time you saw “Twilight.” You set your eyes on that perfectly layered style and there was no looking back. Your preference for short hair? The Alice Cullen Effect.

You’ve never understood “Team Edward” versus “Team Jacob” Edward is too hairy. Jacob is too ripped. Neither of them let Bella make her own decisions. You didn’t understand the

FIRST, THEN THE NEXT. ELLYN PARIS, ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? PLEASE MAKE SOME BANANA BREAD ANNABEL MARSHALL rivalry, the t-shirts, all of the posters. Your mind was elsewhere. Your mind was on Alice Cullen and the birthday party she threw for Bella, their drive through Italy and the tiny scarf she wore around her head. Thinking to yourself: “wouldn’t Alice be the better choice?” Yes. The better choice for you. You love girls that can read tarot Tarot cards? Crystals? Maybe a pendulum? Clairvoyance is sexy and you know it. But where did this come from? A strange little future-seeing vampire, perhaps? Alice drove each book and movie forward with her visions, saving Bella and Edward each time in the process. Something changed in you the first time you saw her scribble in that little notebook and predict where the vampire James would track down Bella in the first “Twilight.” Now, you look for her power everywhere. You want a girl that can tell you what’s going to happen next. You have a strong appreciation for the ballet flat trend They can be red, black, pink or purple. Either way, there’s nothing cuter to you than a girl in ballet flats. Who do they remind you of? Laufey? Angelina Ballerina? Let’s dig deeper. During the iconic scene where Bella is introduced to the Cullen family, Alice makes a grand entrance by climbing into the kitchen from a tree. The very first shot of her in the tree? A zoomed in pan to her metallic, silver ballet flats walking across a mossy branch. You dislike blonde men Do you want to punch every blonde man you run into?

For no apparent reason? Maybe there’s a certain blonde chipping away at your patience. If you were confused by Alice’s eternal love for the ex-confederate soldier Jasper, or didn’t understand how anyone could find him so attractive, try and do some reflecting. What was the real reason you dislike this fictional man, and every other blonde man? Jealousy. You want what they have. You want Alice Cullen. If any of these apply to you, chances are, you’ve been searching for Alice Cullen since childhood. Looking for her in hairstyles, fashion choices and future dates. While you can’t find the vampire herself, it’s okay to have a type. Go searching at the local thrift store, vintage market or coffee shop. If all goes well, one rainy day in the near future, she’ll be expecting you.

SCIENCE AND TECH

New drink dramatically improves students’ academic performance

300x

The beverage contains the daily recommended caffeine intake and is giving students the energy they need to excel in their classes

BY KATIE HELLMAN science@theaggie.org

A new energy drink has hit the market, and it’s the up-and-coming craze of Davis. What makes this product stand out is its excessive caffeine content — just one serving contains 300x the recommended daily amount of caffeine.

The front of the can is emblazoned with a skull and crossbones, and a red warning label in fine print covers the entire backside of the packaging.

“I don’t know what that says,” a first-year computer science major said between sips. “To be honest, I don’t really care.”

While the monkeys are currently undergoing the egregiously slow process of ASUCD hiring, Flynn says that this is the most cost-effective way to make sure all students have access to public transportation.

“We pay the monkeys in bananas,” Flynn continued. “It’s genius, and let me tell you, they’re doing a fantastic job behind the wheel. You’ll be goin’ bananas for them!” Raghunathan then motioned to strike Flynn’s pun from the record.

The CoHo went next for their quarterly report. Associated Students Dining Services Director Darin Schluep first voiced his concerns with how understaffed the CoHo has been.

“Have you considered hiring monkeys to do the job?” Senator Chasa Monica asked. Schluep replied that they have not gone there yet but, considering their superb work in bus driving, it is certainly not off the table.

The Student Health and Wellness Committee nominated two students to serve on the committee, who were interviewed by the senate table. Questions included: “What motivated you to seek this position?” and “Be honest, which one of you do you think looks the hottest right now?” The Aggie reporter assigned to cover the meeting looked directly into the camera and pleaded to be killed.

After a brief break, a representative from the University of California, Office of the President reported that plans to allow grad students to be paid a livable wage have been delayed, but will likely proceed within the next 10 years or so.

Public comment came next, where one representative from The Pantry discussed a concern.

Numerous concerns have been raised about the safety of this new product. According to the health expert working for the company, second-year English major Brandon, the product is “good.” No additional information has been provided.

“I haven’t blinked in three days,” a third-year engineering major said. “It’s awesome.”

An unexpected side effect of this beverage is a dramatic improvement in academic performance. Professors are bewildered at their students’ sudden

The caffeine in the beverage was accidentally harvested by a plant sciences professor conducting research on flora growing in the depths of a frat house. It is hypothesized that the plant absorbed the essence of the frat’s environment, and thus consuming a beverage made with its caffeine may cause unintended ramifications. Most notably, some students have developed the urge to wear backwards baseball caps and change their major to managerial economics.

“We are beginning to feel very unheard after this whole Panda Express debacle,” the representative said. “We just want to know why you would take half of our budget for the benefit of your weekly catered dinners?”

All of the senators counted down from three together and replied at the same time with, “No comment,” as they continued to devour their plates of orange chicken and chow mein. On their way out, the representative was offered a bite from one of the senators, which they declined. The table then moved to consider old legislation.

SB #401, which would give $100.53 to the Bike Barn so that they can buy two new tire pumps for their facility, failed 0-2-12 (yes to abstain to no) as ASUCD Controller Alyson Francisco said that there was absolutely no room in the budget for this kind of funding.

SB #402, which would give $5 million to Lawntopia for reasons unexplained, passed unanimously with several senators chanting “Drake, Drake, Drake!” One member of the public pointed out that Drake was not performing and was shot with a dart gun. Open forum followed the discussion of legislation.

Senator Dani Antonio took this time to bring up a new event that she has had in the works ever since the smashing success of her Planet Her week.

“It’s called Planet of the Apes,” Antonio said. “It will be the proper welcome for our new primate peers on campus!” The one-week event will feature everything from Arboretum tree swinging to banana peel painting. Performances will include ballet team

The Primettes, acapella troupe Queen Kong and drag queen Coco Chimp Dazzle. Campus lawyers shared they were excited to receive cease and

ability to complete a week’s worth of schoolwork in mere hours. Attendance has never been better, and students have actually been complaining that they

2/5 to a 5/5 now that students are able to keep up with the workload. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Some may be wondering what could possibly make this new product so effective and how students are able to tolerate the overdose of caffeine. According to scientists, the alleged safety of the product can be attributed to the way in which the body metabolizes its ingredients.

The caffeine in the drink – which is made with staples of the American diet, including high fructose corn syrup, red dye 40 and various preservatives — is essentially able to bypass the body’s regulatory systems and be absorbed directly by the brain. Typically, 400 milligrams of caffeine can be safely consumed on a daily basis, but with this beverage there appears to be no limit.

Some students are adamant that the product is too good to be true. Reports of intense existential dread, newfound psychic abilities and memory blackouts are currently under investigation.

“I scored 100% on my last physics midterm,” a second-year communications major said. “I’m not even taking physics. I don’t even remember writing the exam.” The effects of the beverage usually wear off somewhere between two and five days after consumption. If customers can get past the fact that they can’t purchase the product without first signing a waiver and providing proof of health insurance, this beverage could unleash the academic potential in even the most unmotivated of students. are not being given enough homework. “It’s remarkable,” commented a biology professor, whose Rate My Professor rating has changed from a

desists from 20th Century Fox on top of the ones they were already getting from Doja Cat.

After one more Panda Express break, the Senate table decided that they were too tired to do anything else. They all did one more group hug, packaged their leftovers and adjourned the meeting at 4:45 a.m. Each senator made sure to stop by The Aggie’s reporter to spit on them or kick them swiftly in the shin on the way out.

The clock struck: 8:10 p.m. This is the precise moment that Sonora leaves her office every Wednesday to go to the kitchen and make a cup of tea like a little loser. Any other time, I would have to let it slide, watching her dunk her pathetic tea bag into her festivebut-out-of-season mug, like a lazy priest baptizing an ugly baby. I struck.

With bison-like grace I shoved her into the supply closet and locked the door, ignoring whatever dumb editorial things she was saying. Probably something like “Why you should consider not doing this” and “Sonora objects, pleads for mercy.” Let her tell her stupid headlines to the box of un-sharpened golf pencils we keep in there.

That was it. The newspaper now officially belonged to me. We don’t really have bylaws, so defeating the current editor-in-chief in combat is generally accepted to mean that

you get to take over the position. Additionally, I kept hissing at people who tried to tell me to let Sonora out of the closet, so that pretty much convinced everyone to listen to me.

Okay, I may have exaggerated. Most people quit immediately. Ana, Arts and Culture Editor, said “Did you say something? I don’t like listening when you talk” and walked out of the building within five minutes. However, through some quick thinking and positive self-talk, I chained all our graphic designers and a few weak-looking writers to the desks in the basement. Yasmeen, Features Editor, tried to sneak in through a window and break them out but I shot her with a blow dart dipped in Benadryl. The Benadryl didn’t do anything but I did hit a major artery. She’ll probably be fine. Who needs those old farts, anyway? I can write a newspaper. Look at me doing it right now. Beep, boop.

Typing.

I looked over the documents on Sonora’s desk (Not going to lie, there was a lot of Taylor Swift self-insert fanfiction on there) and I think I generally get the gist of how all this works. First we need some ideas. That’s easy, I have plenty of ideas: weasels, anvils and so forth.

Next, we need to write them. We have like two hours before this thing goes to print. That’s plenty of time.

I’ve never spent more than 20 minutes on an essay. That’s how I got my nickname, “Academic Dismissal.”

But first, of course. I need to assert my authority. The old rules of The California Aggie will cage me no more. Any disgruntled ex-employee of a newspaper knows exactly what I need to do — an Oxford comma. AP style guidelines aren’t the boss of me. Here I go. One, two, and three. Yes! I did it! This is a piece of cake.

I should probably go check on my graphic designers. Occasionally,

What’s happening?

What’s happening?

What’s happening?

What’s happening?

What’s happening?

What’s happening?

What’s happening?

What’s happening?

I flicker the lights and throw down a honey-roasted ham or the like. Then ensues a lot of growling and a noise like a trash compactor compressing a dozen plastic folding chairs. I think it’s going to be a great issue.

You will never guess who I saw! My mystery man was on the same flight as me and just a few rows ahead to my left! This was so crazy.

But, it did give me hope: maybe I would be able to see him this weekend. I went over and asked for his number. I still remember the number he gave me: 505-503-4455. It is a decommissioned number now, you can try calling it, and it won’t work. Go ahead, give it a try. Anyway, I was determined to call him as soon as I got home.

I got my luggage and went to the outside curb waiting for my parents to pick me up. It only took them a couple of minutes to get there. I opened the door, and guess who I saw! He was there! My mystery man. And then it hit me, I know why he felt so familiar! It was because he was familia! He was my older brother, how could I forget?

After that day, the rest was history. We now have a little house in the fields of outer Montgomery, Alabama, with our four beautiful children (and three more on the way). We’re hoping at least one of them overcomes the genetic hurdles.

Malcolm: Wow, what a beautiful story. I guess family comes first! I think we all aspire to find a love like yours.

Ranking numbers 1 through 10 in chronological order

BY MALCOLM LANGE mslange@ucdavis.edu

This article is not for the faint of heart, and if you get offended easily, it might be best if you stop reading now. In this article, on this day, at this specific time, we will answer the hard-hitting questions and rank something most people would assume unrankable. They called me mad, they called me insane and, most hurtful of all, they called me Malcolmeena (it wasn’t related to the article, just a mean name they started calling me).

Annabel Marshall told me this article would never see the light of day, but she’s busy trying to stop a mutiny of graphic designers — they are protesting to be allowed to see sunlight for five minutes a day — and I’m grabbing my opportunity to sneak this one in. The public deserves to see it. The ranking of this article is…

This ranking is so controversial, I might get fired…

“Ranking numbers in chronological order.” So let’s dive right in.

Obviously, the first place spot goes to number one. It was a clear shoo-in, and quite frankly, it put in the time and effort to get there.

Second place, I hate to say, has to go to number two. Don’t come at me.

If you wanted to rank the numbers yourself, you should’ve applied to work at The Aggie. To complete our top three, three gets third place.

Closely following, four for fourth.

But don’t get cocky. After four, things start to get tricky. Fifth place, in a complete blowout, goes to five. Interestingly, five also gets fifth in the ranking of numbers 1 through 10, reverse chronological order. But that’s an article for next week. Trailing miles behind five — but also in the same interval that separates

all of the other rankings — is six for sixth place. In a total upset, seven gets the seventh spot in our top ten.

The humble eight, shockingly, got eighth place. Due to some unfortunate sabotage from seven, ninth place goes to number 10. Look, I don’t support cannibalism, I won’t excuse it, but we have to work with what we’ve got. Closing out our top 10, number 11 gets the final spot.

There you have it, world. I considered including even more controversial numbers like zero, but it’ll have to wait. Maybe if someone at The Aggie would PAY ME for my contributions to journalism.

killers, who would win in a fight?” and one that is currently TBW (to be written) that I’ve been told is “One about the best animals on campus.” You might be thinking, “Wow, those titles are really long,” and so are we.

Malcolm’s titles and layercakes combined average at a whopping 22-anda-half words, and he takes it to the next level by dedicating a quarter to a third of his articles to exposition — he loves to set a good scene. So, now that we’ve covered that base and addressed an excessive amount of background information, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Also, spoiler alert for those who haven’t caught up. I’ve never seen any of the “A Christmas Carol” movies, but I just can’t imagine that “Doctor Who’s Christmas Special 2010” is the definitive best adaptation. Sorry Malcolm, that’s just kind of a weird take. Along with the fact that “Scrooged” (which I actually have seen) was ranked last, this article was simply a lapse of judgment, landing it a spot on the bottom of the pyramid (Call Abby Lee Miller, because I’m taking over).

Next on the list comes the one about horror movie characters because I simply don’t care about them. NEXT. This middle spot is going to go to “One about the best animals on campus” because I see no way for it to go wrong. Unless Cheeto is ranked below the cows (I’m watching you, Malcolm, I will throw hands), this one is a recipe for gold.

However, because I haven’t read it yet, I can’t pass a true judgment on it. Also he hasn’t written it yet, so there are truly a myriad of avenues it could take, and I’m not willing to gamble a higher pyramid spot on that. It’s gonna be cute, but it’s no Maddie Ziegler. I got exclusive early access to “OpEd 1/25,” known to you now as “Ranking each streaming service based solely on their original series,” before it was released (read: I asked him for it and he texted it to me). It’s clear that his research was thorough (read: he watches a lot of TV), and his decision process was thoughtful. The only thing keeping this piece from first place is that he ranked Apple TV first. It’s just so mid. Granted, a lot of original series are mid, but Apple TV is, like, really mid. Also “Percy Jackson and the Olympians” was actually so disappointing and I did not appreciate that you included it in Disney+’s “super roster.” I will keep crying, thank you very much. Which brings us to the first place, grand prize, top-of-the-pyramid winner. Our Maddie Zeigler is (drumroll please) the scary Egghead article! This is because his ranking is correct. Eye on Mrak (Why is it called that and did anyone else know that it was called that?) is terrifying, and Bookhead is not. Good job Malcolm, you did it! If you want to write more ranking articles for me to tear apart in the future, please feel free. This has been lovely. Thank you for your time, I’ll be here all night.

The visitation of a strange scholar

The angelic visitant declareth me to be standing on business

BY AUDREY ZHANG

Verily, as a humble monastic scribe, it becometh not mine prerogative to question the divine decree. Yet, the celestial emissary bestowed upon our abbey doth increasingly manifest peculiarity. Persisteth she in flaunting attire akin to undergarments, these “jeans” and “t-shirt,” which bear scant resemblance to a proper tunic or wimple. Her days she passeth trampling upon Henry’s chard patch, wielding a diminutive metal casket whilst in pursuit of a legendary oracle dubbed Wifi. ‘Tis a fitting retribution for Henry, methinks, for I harbor suspicion he partakes in dalliance with my geese. She layeth claim to scholarly pursuits, albeit her discipline, this civil engineering, remaineth foreign to mine ear. Since whence hath propriety and decorum become integral to the erection of a span? Her latest peculiar entreaty hath entailed the masons’ crafting of several stone effigies, grotesque ovoids bearing semblance to countenances. She averreth they doth represent her former paramours faithfully. She intendeth to scatter them throughout her homeland, there to be besmirched and utilized as perches throughout eternity. I admire her guile, albeit her romantic escapades,

less so. The April rains hath come and gone twice since her initial descent from the celestial realm into our clergyman, which doth serve as sole reason she hath thus far avoided the stake’s embrace. Not for want of a cleric to officiate such immolation, but for the general disdain we harbored toward him. Good riddance.

Yet she doth linger amongst us. Refuseth she to depart until she hath realized her objective of securing the future. She must track down a man by the name of Bertilak and dispatch him, lest his offspring bring forth a malevolent force of great magnitude. A peculiar entity termed an uncurved chemistry examination, perchance the handiwork of Lucifer himself.

I do wish her fortune, for this Bertilak be a name as commonplace as the mire. Already hath she confronted and vanquished one hundred Bertilaks, yet a hundred more at least dwell within our realm alone. Unless the improbable should come to pass, and she succeedeth in eliminating them all, I fear millions of Bertilaks shall still traverse the earth even in centuries hence. Until such time, I must endeavor to procure for her a libation known as a latte. Whatever that may portend.

If thou comprehendest this, I doth commend thee! Thou hast undoubtedly forsaken a potential career as a savant in medieval studies. Shouldst thou find fault in mine grammatical endeavors, prithee, do not hesitate to apprise me.

Aggie love story: “I owe my beautiful life to UCD”

Here alumna Nancy Darwin shares how she found her forever family at UC Davis

BY MALCOLM LANGE mslange@ucdavis.edu

Malcolm: Thanks for sharing your Aggie love story! Can you tell us a bit about how you met?

Nancy Darwin: It all started 23 years ago when I first saw a cute guy at the Segundo Dining Commons. My whole life changed that day. Because of that day, I have had a beautiful life, happily married with four kids and three more on the way. That day, fate had led me to my husband in a way that I would have never expected. It was a Thursday before a long weekend — we were getting the Friday off for Veteran’s Kitty Cat Remembrance Day, in honor of all of the kitty cats veterans owned that have passed away — and I was super excited. It was my first year at college, and I was feeling a little homesick. I always found myself praying for a little piece of home to be with me at college, but one quarter down, there was still nothing that reminded me of home. I missed my parents, my brother (he was also away at college), my dogs and everything else that had become a big part of my life for the past 18 years.

This Thursday was special though, I could feel it. I was leaving to fly back home for the weekend after my classes — I was a cognitive science major — and I was super excited. I woke up for my 9 a.m. General Education class (trapeze acrobatics) and went to the dining hall to get a quick breakfast before heading to class. Instead of getting my usual dry cereal to eat, I went for the basket at the end of the food line; there’s always something new and interesting in the bin at the end of the food line. That is where I saw him first. This cute boy, a little taller than me, also looking through the bin at the end of the food line. I went up next to him and started searching through it, and for a split second our hands brushed against each other. It was magical. Sparks flew around us, it felt so exhilarating yet so familiar.

Malcolm: That’s so romantic! Did you two start talking immediately?

Nancy: No! After finding what he was looking for, he left. I didn’t expect to see him again, I mean, it is a very big campus. I was okay with that, he could be my little mystery man, someone I could fantasize about in class whenever a professor dragged on about a silly life anecdote. I ate my breakfast and

left for class. I sat down in my usual spot, five rows up, 11 seats to the right. Halfway through the lecture, I started daydreaming and staring off into space. I snapped out of it two minutes before the end of class and realized I was staring directly at someone! I was so embarrassed and felt so awkward. But it only got worse for me… It was the boy from the dining commons! He must have thought I was such a weirdo, I mean I don’t even know how long I was staring at him. Maybe he didn’t notice — that was the only thing I could find myself wishing for as the day went on.

My other classes were relatively boring, and I didn’t pay too much attention to them. I mean, what even is cognitive science? It really seems like most cognitive science people do not even agree on what cognitive science really is and what counts as cognitive or what the goal of cognitive science should be. I was just thinking about my mystery man and the odds of seeing him twice in one day, when I didn’t see him at all in the first quarter. After I finished my classes, I left for the airport to fly home.

Malcolm: Wait, you didn’t talk to him again? You could’ve made a move then!

Nancy: I was way too shy. Anyway, I got to the airport a couple of hours early — you never know how long NorthEast security lines will take — and had some time to kill, so I went to the Starbucks and ordered myself a shaken-oat espresso drink, extra shaken. And low and behold, I saw him again! He was in line in front of me!! What are the odds of that? It was like something was bringing us together, over and over again. I knew this was a sign to talk to him, so I asked him what he was doing here. He said he was flying home for the weekend too. We were so similar, both going home for the weekend, eating at the same dining hall and taking the same class. Too bad that meant I wasn’t going to see him during the weekend. But this was clearly a sign, and I knew that when I got back to campus I needed to find him again. After an hour passed, I finally boarded my flight. I had a row all to myself, and as soon as I sat down I started reading “Children of Dune.” As we started our descent, I put the book away and looked around.

A look into Chancellor May’s “Burn Book”

See what Chancellor May really thinks about some of UC Davis’ most famous landmarks and characters

BY VINCE BASADA vvbasada@ucdavis.edu

A recent hack into UC Davis Informational and Educational Technology computer servers has led to the leak of several private email communications between high-ranking university officials. Among them was a seeming “diss list,” or Burn Book, of Davis figures and landmarks written by Chancellor Gary May.

The California Aggie was able to obtain a copy of one of these correspondences. They are attached below:

From: Chancellor Gary May

To: Provost Mary Croughan (a.k.a. BFF)

Subject: Burn Book (PG)

Gunrock – A 20th century stallion whose less than amazing racing career ended him up at Davis breeding horses for the Army. A natural choice for school mascot!

Eduroam – A connection so bad

it makes you want to roam off a cliff

Unitrans – So crowded I feel like I’m at Lawntopia. Also they stole the UK’s whole red doubledecker thing.

Kerr Hall – The lankier, black sheep

brother of Wellman Hall

Peter A. Rock Hall – What it lacks in stable WiFi, it makes up in mildew

Sproul Hall – Nine stories high, yet still not big enough to contain the egos of all the foreign language professors inside of it

Academic Surge – Has a name fit for an academic Monster Energy ripoff, and a faux industrial interior stolen from a mid-2000’s Disney Channel show

Fistulated Cows – Just… wrong

U.S. Bicycling Hall of Fame –Wheelie boring (Get it?)

ASUCD Government – Political nerds

Bike Barn – Bicycle nerds

College of Engineering – Nerds’ nerds

Tercero dorms – The beautiful landscaping almost makes up for the constant smell of manure, but not quite.

Segundo dorms – Best DC, but Regan looks like the campgrounds of a low budget 70’s slasher movie

Cuarto dorms – It’s on campus in the same way that the Mean Girls Musical Movie was a successful homage to the original

Cheeto (the cat) – Pampered, spoiled and yet still a better mascot than Gunrock

Shields Library – With a missing chunk in the middle and glued on additions, can you tell that it wasn’t originally designed to be a library?

Eye on Mrak Egghead (a.k.a. Fatal Laff, or the one with the weird eye on it’s back) – Wannabe Illuminati

Conspiracy Theory Clue

Bookhead Egghead – Stares all day at a book, yet still gets less studying done than an overworked student athlete

not me) that this dimly ominous office space would soon be my new reality.

As I presently sit, chained, crisscross-apple-sauce on one of the many swively chairs, my thoughts are filtered through a new paradigm: that of an imprisoned creative. A designer, one could say, tasked by an all-mighty conqueror to fabricate, manufacture and acquiesce a new existence. And, as part of that existence, I lend myself to the tedious task of reading through design request after design request for the next issue of The Aggie (coincidentally, the one that you are reading right now).

I skim through the spreadsheet, fingers tingling with ideas that flow directly from my brain to my little creative soul (yes, it does really exist).

One request reads “A werewolf with a UC Davis t-shirt.” Another cautiously proposes: “I’m not quite sure… just make something red that has to do with hyperactivity in adolescents.” A third expresses their desire for a “hundred cows, each with the face of a different pop star,” with a little note at the end that says “I’m sorry :(.” My, do I appreciate the sympathy. Only the sky two floors above me

The California Aggie – We have a school newspaper?

latte

Mishka’s and sketch all day about anything

UC Davis t-shirts, hyperactivity and cows; although, I am quite fond of my overwhelming ranks of cow doodles. So wonderful, glorious readers, the point I am trying to make is that all I can do now is merely create groveling, emotion-filled graphics down here in the basement, held steadfast by powerful forces and challenged to take out all of my qualms through art. I barely managed to sneak this article past the security guard, in a desperate attempt to reach you.

If anyone, and I mean anyone, would like to DoorDash me some boba, poke or even some snackies from Trader Joe’s — please, by all means, go ahead. I wouldn’t even mind a visit from one of the ultra-fluffy campus squirrels or even better, Cheeto the cat, recently ranked a top three UC Davis animal. It’s not like I am going anywhere or have anyplace

The question “Siblings Or Dating” took the internet by storm back in 2020 with audiences being polled regarding if the people pictured are siblings or dating. (they’re siblings btw) (Courtesy of Buzzfeed and @siblingsordating on Instagram / fair use)

UC Davis students share their preferred coping mechanisms

Students participate in overspending, overeating and the occasional blood sacrifice

BY ZOEY MORTAZAVI features@theaggie.org

UC Davis was recently ranked by a random website as being the college campus with the “most acute seasonal depression for a campus that never sees snow.” Despite the general irrelevance and otherwise lack of legitimacy or merit of the specific website that made this claim, our student body took this statistic and ran with it. The alleged statistic circulated YikYak, the UC Davis student body through word of mouth and made several features on various Davis-based Instagram accounts, such as @thecaliforniagaggie.

Since the happiness of our student body is constantly being called into question, at a certain point we must ask ourselves: what exactly are UC Davis students doing to cope with the depressing qualities associated with our university? I asked over four students to find out. Here are some of the UC Davis students’ favorite coping mechanisms.

The first coping mechanism to come up, as it should come as no surprise, is engaging a little bit too hard with some of the phenomenal food options that Davis has to offer. In lieu of crying over your failed midterm or final, consider treating yourself to a $20 meal from Tim’s Hawaiian that you will not finish. If not that, head over to another of many food options, from the Dumpling House to Thai Canteen, to further the disappointment you’re already feeling towards yourself after failing that crucial test.

“At a certain point, C’s get degrees,” Stella Grayson, a secondyear plant breeding, genetics and genomics major, said. “If I ever fail a test, it’s like, I go buy myself a $7 latte or a Caniac Combo — or both, if I’m feeling really crazy — and then just try to move on from it. Everyone else probably felt bad about it too. In an ideal world, this curve is about to go crazy. It’s worked for me this far.” Grayson is currently on her fourth

finals seasons at Davis, one of the first things that comes to mind might be our Egghead called Bookhead. Bookhead sits in front of the Shields Library, and there is a long-standing Davis tradition that states that if you rub Bookhead’s head during finals week, students will pass all of their finals. A group on campus, headed by fourthyear sociology and psychology doublemajor Garrett Smith, celebrates this tradition in a unique way.

Smith continued, saying that “[the group] actually believes very strongly in the spiritual resonance and power of Bookhead, which we celebrate every week through ritual blood sacrifices. Bookhead has aided every single one of our group’s members in passing their finals every quarter. This might sound pretty wild to someone who hasn’t attended any of our informational meetings or socials, but I can confidently say that we’re the

attempt to pass CHE 2B. Grayson further explained that her typical post-midterm consists of copious amounts of online shopping, obsessive Pinterest-board curating and a developing hobby: an Ashwagandha trial. Additionally, she mentioned that her weekends usually include “extensive botanical research” — likely a reference to undergraduate research she’s currently doing within the Plant Sciences department here at Davis. Davis proudly offers many undergraduate research opportunities for students, resources for which can be found on various Davis-based websites. When it comes to midterm and

Smith explained his group’s methods of coming to terms with life’s toughest moments, and he certainly had something to say about the importance of finding community in college. Finding a group of like-minded people can make the transition to college much easier and less daunting, according to Smith. “I run a fairly large and wellmanaged group of students on campus,” Smith said. “There are a lot of us that used to fail exams, but that was before we started exploring the history of the Davis Bookhead tradition. Thanks to our methods, most of us don’t have to cope, at least not in an academic sense, anymore.”

reason that the Bookhead tradition is alive and well.” Smith was not interested in disclosing the name of the “group” that he manages on campus, nor did he specify the type of blood sacrifices that the group conducts. He claimed that the methods used by involved students are “according to regulation,” though he also failed to further specify what or who is being sacrificed in the name of Bookhead. Despite this, his enthusiasm for student communities can hopefully offer comfort to other students looking to find the same.

Next, I spoke to Alexandra Jonston, a third-year viticulture and enology major about her preferred

method of coping.

“As I’m sure any college student will tell you, my number one coping mechanism tends to be [uncontrolled] amounts of alcohol,” Jonston said.

“Unfortunately, I am something of a regular of the UC Davis fraternity scene, as disgusting as most of the houses are. One time I walked into a bathroom at Sigma Major and there was a raccoon eating black mold off the walls. I go to the frats nearly every weekend, and yet they never seem to get less gross or more fun. I think I was in denial about how much fun I had on the weekends when I was in my earlier years at Davis.” These student perspectives aim to alleviate some of the stress for students who feel alone or confused by their new lifestyles and experiences at UC Davis. It seems that through a proper balance of work and play, students can find contentment with a collegiate life in cowtown.

No matter what things in life bring you solace, remember this: nothing in nature blooms year-round. As the above Davis students essentially said, coping mechanisms are necessary in times of stress and crisis. College is full of ups and downs, and tribulations keep us all on our toes in times of uncertainty.

Going forward, consider taking part in some of the coping strategies that Davis students recommend, or coming up with some of your own. While we all cope in different ways, hopefully it serves as a comfort to know that you’re not alone in needing to find creative ways to cope sometimes. On another note, someone should probably call the cops on Garrett Smith.

List of spring courses still available Oh, you wanted to take a major requirement? Die trying.

features@theaggie.org Geology 078: Intro to Bouldering Human Rights 036: Should We Have Them? Aerospace Science & Engineering 177: Weapons for Space Colonization

Sexuality & Women’s Studies 103: You Can Do Better than Him Course Description: Girl, put that phone down, so help me God Physics 087: What I Would Do Differently if I Were God Cinema & Digital Media 044: Youtube circa 2012 Anatomy 013: Just the Toes UC Davis Washington Center 037: Stealing the Declaration of Independence Guest lecturer: Nicky Cage Animal Behavior 109: Communicating the Details of the 2008 Financial Crisis to Your Cat Course description: Ever wanted to know how to say “subprime mortgage” to a British Shorthair? Me neither, but he needs to know.

Education 167: When is Bullying Necessary? Landscape Architecture 077: How to Move Mountains

Forensic Science 180: Calculating at What Point the Body is No Longer Edible Anthropology 164: Which Culture is Scientifically the Worst

Art History 082: Histories of Crayon Color in Placemats at Fast Food Restaurants Letters & Sciences Seminar 001: Departmental Drama

Course Description: Chemistry needs to chill the heck out. Also, I heard the English department gets drunk and plays Truth or Dare in the basement of Voorhies.

Neuroscience 028: What the Hell is Wrong with You?

Nutrition 023: Nothing is Healthy, Actually

Course Description: Takis? Cancer. Burnt Toast? Cancer. Organic apples? Somehow also cancer. Astronomy 064: Which Stars to Wish On and Which Ones are Lumps of Space Trash Hurtling toward Earth

ENL 100FF: Advanced Fanfiction Guest Lecturer: Opinion

Columnist Malcolm Lange

Atmospheric Science 111: How Many Times Can We Predict Snow in Davis Before People Stop Believing Us?

Economics 027: Budgeting for the Imminent Collapse of Civilization

Communication

100: How to Ask Your Housemate to Take Out the Trash

Note: Not you Holly, you’re an angel, and we’re lucky to have you.

Avian Sciences 113B: Raising a Turkey in Time for Thanksgiving

Chemistry 290: You and Me

Course Description: No one’s made me feel like you do.

French 098: Just the Accent

UCD Love Lab starts handing out condom sizes based on vibe ~ It’s for your own good ~

BY MOLLY THOMPSON features@theaggie.org

The Love Lab is a UC Davis initiative that provides students with free birth control products, among other resources. Students can, at any time, receive external and internal condoms, lube, dental dams and other products, perhaps most exciting of which are free stickers! The executive board of the Love Lab has recently implemented some new changes designed to promote and enforce the proper use of condoms, as one of their highlighted Instagram posts details. In order to reduce issues resulting from poorly fitting condoms, they’ve decided to start basing the size of condoms that they provide to any given person on vibe.

choice, they may do that as well. Some suggestions include: your major, your height, whether you’re lying about your height, your opinion on Taylor Swift, your opinion on the current state of football, your thoughts on

This decision comes in part from the fact that they value privacy. They don’t want to discourage students from utilizing their services by asking invasive questions or probing about personal information (like, for example, whether they have navy blue sheets), so a small panel of qualified volunteers with be assessing the vibe of the student in question and using the information they gather to inform the size of the condoms they provide.

If students wish to give some basic demographic information to help the experts make the best possible

Kanye West and your favorite movie (Is it “American Psycho?” And, to follow up on that, are you aware that “American Psycho” is satirical?). The Love Lab is prepared for any situation they might encounter on this new endeavor, so there’s no need to fret that they won’t have the correct size that you need or that they’ll missassess you (they’re very accurate). While there are some more concrete things that feed into their verdicts, the general energy of the client is the most major factor. So if you’re concerned that declaring yourself as a computer

science major will lead the panel to reach for a smaller size, fear not. It’s not the fact that you’re a computer science major, it’s just you. Some things that you can try if you’re still hung up on the idea of convincing them to allow you to try a bigger size are: letting me merge on the freeway; tipping service workers really well; being at the airport at the same time as me and reading for fun.

As a small disclaimer, some things they’ve openly announced that will qualify patients for a downsize include (but are not restricted to) referring to women as “females,” revving your car unnecessarily (stop trying to overcompensate, you’re just annoying), interrupting the volunteer during your exchange and having aspirations of becoming a stand-up comedian.

If you’re unhappy with what you’re given and you try to mansplain your way to a size up, they are prepared with finger cots on-hand. Again, not as a punishment or to shame you in any way, but for your own safety. And honestly, you should just accept it because some things don’t take an expert — we all know.

SPORTS

UC Davis hopscotch jumps its way across the world, into first place

A two-man team takes the lead

BY MEGAN JOSEPH

One of the most well-known and prominent sports at UC Davis, the Aggie’s hopscotch team, continuously dominates the course every chance they get. Coming off of three back-toback wins against Stanford, Yale and

their

spot in

to show off their hopping abilities, cultivated by training directly with kangaroos. Since

Lebron James: the man, the myth, the meme

Acknowledging Lebron’s Special Role Off the Court

BY MI’ZAUNI REESE sports@theaggie.org

Lebron James has had a highly successful career in the NBA while becoming a role model for athletes across the world. Playing on three teams across his 21 year long career, winning four championship rings, and obtaining four MVP awards, the allstar has racked up a net worth of over a billion dollars. Yet, Lebron James is so much more than just his net worth. Acting as a source of laughter for most, Lebron James blesses fans with another gift, his meme worthy media presence. From the Hunger Games to even just his name, Lebron James memes can be sourced from nearly anything or anyone. So, without further delay, here are some of the best Lebron James memes to provide a little bit of entertainment.

1) Lebron James can be seen on many different occasions reading new books and posting his daily reads on his instagram page. From the Hunger Games to Malcolm X’s autobiography, our icon can relate to readers of all subjects. The one problem is, he never seems to make it past the first chapter, only posting that chapter on his instagram and then moving on to a new book.

2) Another truly entertaining hobby lebron James has picked up is music. He insists that he is always listening to classical music before every game. James enjoys starting with smooth jazz and then transitioning to Beethoven before every game. However, the one issue is that nobody has ever actually seen him listen to classical music as he is always posting rap artists on his instagram like Drake. Clearly only speculation, Lebron James has no reason to lie about his pregame songs and must be listening to be the best classical music ever that he gatekeeps from fans.

3) Back on the court, James has been seen as a rock for many players, so when he breaks down on the court it must have been for a good reason.

In a photo taken from a game in 2021, where the Los Angeles Lakers lost to the Boston Celtics, James was seen falling on his hands and knees and placing his head on the court in agony. Although

this game had little effect on the team’s record or James’s MVP award, it clearly meant a lot to him.

4) Lebron has faced his share of critics over the years usually responding with his own relaxed response and never

losing his cool. But, we can’t say the same for the refs on the field, especially when they don’t call a foul in favor of Lebron James’s team.

UC Davis football team quits

But don’t worry, we’re still going all the way next year

BY MALCOLM LANGE mslange@ucdavis.edu

Breaking new development for the UC Davis football team as they get ready for next season — the full team quit after a short scrimmage of the whole team against their star running back Lan Larison. What started out as a close 11-versus-one football scrimmage quickly became a disheartening blowout. The final score being three to 24, with Lan ultimately ending on top. The football team successfully scored one field goal and Lan scored three touchdowns with all three two-point conversions.

After the scrimmage, the UC Davis football team realized they were no longer needed, as long as Lancelot was on the field.

“Well, [Larison] is just that guy, ya know,” an anonymous player said following the mass quitting.

It is in fact the case that Lantastic is,

truly, just that guy. Larison — six-feet tall, 199 pounds, Virgo, fruitarian — is just getting started. Metaphorically.

Literally, I’m pretty sure football season is over. Hailing unsurprisingly from Idaho, he’s generated a lot of conversation for UC Davis. Mosty, “We still have a football team?” and “His full name is Lan? Not like, Lance? Landon?”

Larison revealed in a private interview that he is unwilling to provide his secret full name, as if one speaks it three times in a row he has to teleport to them and grant them a wish.

“I can’t be granting wishes all the time. I’m busy hogging on the pigskins,” Larison said, or something like that. I wasn’t listening very closely. Larison was actually a secret wildcard player for the 2024 Super Bowl. Most people, including hardcore and sad Super Bowl fans, do not know that there are actually three teams that play. It is a one-versus-one-versus-one

hopscotch was first created and played in Great Britain, it is no surprise that the Oxford team put up the best initial times in the first course attempts and had the largest team consisting of a whopping seven people. Nonetheless, the Aggies were not deterred by Oxford’s team size and impressive square maneuvering as the Aggies outperformed all the other teams in the tournament.

During the second course attempts, Williams pulled out a record 1.82 seconds — a new personal best for her and a new school record for the Aggies. In the third course attempts, Goodfriend found a new balance we hadn’t seen before and jumped a record 1.82 seconds as well, tying Williams for the new school record and fastest course team. Davis was announced victorious with no other team being able to top the record time. Following Williams and Goodfriend, the Oxford team placed second with the Sydney, Australia international team coming in a close third. Considering no other player was able to hop faster in all four attempts, Williams and Goodfriend were both named victorious in the tournaments individual section and brought home the Golden Hoppy Trophy. The duo,

just coming back from London, now have a much-needed vacation from hopscotch where they won’t have to step back on a course for weeks.

“Hopscotch is my life. I eat, sleep, and breathe hopscotch and wish I was on the course all day every day,” Williams said when asked about her favorite on-campus snack.

In the future, Williams hopes to take her hopscotch worldwide and join the US pro team. Additionally, fellow captain Goodfriend has expressed her interest in designing new courses that will require more jumping, with rectangles instead of squares to get to the end goal —- a new, innovative way to play America’s pastime.

“Not just anybody can play hopscotch; you have to be physically and mentally adaptable in those 10 squares and be ready for anything that can happen in those couple of seconds,” Goodfriend said.

As the season progresses fans all over will be rooting for the two-man team to pull out a worldwide victory and be named into the Jumpers Hall of Fame. Stay tuned for next week’s recap of the team’s next game, where they will be playing an exhibition match at a local Davis elementary school.

football palooza, with three different teams all playing against one another at the same time.

Larison competed against the 49ers and the Chiefs as his own team, and to many people’s surprise — he won! While most people, incorrectly, assumed that just because the Chiefs got the Super Bowl rings and had an afterparty, they must have been the team that won. In fact, Larison won and the rings and the afterparty only went to the second-place winners. The only real reason no one knows that Lan is the real Super Bowl champion is because he is just so humble. His easy defeat of the Aggies was simply the last nail in the coffin which led to the quitting of all other UCD football players. So next season, expect to see a lot more of Lan and a lot less of anyone else. Even the cheerleaders quit, so hopefully Lanky will be taking up that mantle.

Lebron James, Lakers’ Forward, is widely recognized for his style both on and off the court. His most notable styles include trench coats and his wide collection of sneakers. (Courtesy of Theo Wargo and GQ / fair use)