Volume 85. Issue 5.

VOLUME 85 ISSUE 5 VOLUME 83 ISSUE 3

cover image: noah greyson holub/fulcrum

VOLUME 84, ISSUE 6

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pp.3. New student levy passes; “Tomato” publication to be funded for 2025-26 school year pp.5. University of Ottawa confused for Ottawa University by prospective applicant after autocorrect error pp.7. Former SFUO executives apply for club funding, denied faster than a U-Pass Refund Request pp.9. First-year student “scrambling” for summer job in Ottawa to avoid going home pp.11. Proven tactics to distract your lecture hall

photo: Pavel Nangfack/fulcrum

pp.12. Telfer student turns rent money into “can’t miss” March Madness pp.13. Melting Ottawa snow banks reveal natural foliage of city and new discoveries

prospective & unwritten lies PIVIK announces all-day Mac & Cheese Ottawa City Council hires Shawarma Mayor Name-the-Mascot contest begins to rename the Gee-Gee

by Andrew Wilimek

New student levy passes; “Tomato” publication to be funded for 2025-26 school year

transfer, and Donald Rump, on a one-semester exchange from the Wharton School of Business, lead that group of campus elites.

“Comedy is now legal on campus,” Musty, who brought the motion forward at MAGA, told the Tomato.

Some students disappointed with misinformation being funded on campus; others happy that “Comedy is now legal” SANDY HILL, ON — A side their dorm — by themselves student levy to fund the produc- — before October’s Panda tion of the Tomato has passed at Game after a Tomato report was last week’s March Annual Gener- published that alleged Pedro the al Assembly (MAGA). The Toma- Panda was skipping the morning to, formerly produced by the Ful- tailgate due to stalled contract crum as a satirical column, is set negotiations with the university, to move into its own office and in a show of working- class sollaunch a new website and Insta- idarity. gram page before the 2025-2026 Others who were not hapschool year begins. py about the bill passing include The move to institute a a fringe group who had aligned $1.50/dollar per semester levy themselves with the bill early in was seen as a shock by some the process. The group thought within the U of O’s undergradu- they had come to a verbal agreeate community. Most were not ment, which would have added happy about misinformation now funding for the Fulcrum’s totally being funded on campus. genuine advice column Dear Di alongside the Tomato if the levy “I ate the Tomato last year passed. at the Circle K on Osgoode,” disclosed a third-year student who The only ones seemingwished to remain anonymous for ly happy with the situation are a fear of campus embarrassment. small group of campus elites who brought forward the motion — “I walked into the store and the yet-to-be-elected disinand was arguing with the cashier, formation director of the Tomato. trying to convince him that they The position is set to be paid and were allowed to sell weed now,” also include perks like a 20 per added the student, referencing a cent discount on PIVIK sushi.

Tomato article from September.

Another decided to pregame inElon Musty, a Queen’s fabrications

photo: kate laine/unsplash

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image: noah greyson holub/fulcrum

by Basant Chawla

University of Ottawa confused for Ottawa University by prospective applicant after autocorrect error WHEN ONE STUDENT CONFUSED TWO OTTAWAS, HE DIDN’T JUST PICK THE WRONG SCHOOL, HE PICKED THE WRONG COUNTRY.

had a family drive all the way from Missouri once before realizing they were in the wrong country.”

In preparation for his first year, Noah has started brushing up on Canadian slang, learning basic French, and investing in thermal socks. “I’ve already been told to get a toque. I didn’t even know what that was. I thought it was a Pokémon.”

His friends and family have been supportive, if a little Every year, thousands What he didn’t realize until bewildered. “My dad printed out of high school students apply to several weeks (and one non-rea map and said, ‘Son… you’re colleges and universities across fundable deposit) later was that going north. Way north,’” Noah North America, hoping to find he hadn’t applied to Ottawa Unilaughed. “My grandma still thinks their perfect academic match. But versity, the small Christian colI’m going to Ottawa, Kansas. I sometimes, that match comes lege in Kansas. He had, in fact, just didn’t have the heart to tell with unexpected surprises — like applied to the University of Other.” accidentally enrolling in an en- tawa, a large, bilingual research university located in Ontario, over tirely different country.

While he admits he’ll miss 2,000 kilometers and one nationhome, and is still adjusting to the When Noah Lott, a 17- al border away. idea of living in a city where squiryear old student about to gradurels outnumber people, Noah is ate from Blue Valley High School, “I started getting emails in optimistic. “Everyone’s been suhit “submit” on his college appli- French, and I just figured it was per friendly. A bit too friendly, accation, he was feeling pretty con- part of some international studies tually. I bumped into someone at fident. He had done his research program,” Noah said. “But then I the airport and they apologized.” (or so he thought), and was ex- saw a campus photo with people His goals for first year? “Make cited to attend Ottawa Universi- wearing parkas in April, and I was friends, survive winter, and figure ty in Kansas, just an hour away like… hold on, something’s not out what the heck a Gee-Gee is.” from home. But one autocorrect, right.” a rushed Google search, and a shiny acceptance letter later, Despite the confusion, Noah found himself enrolled not Noah has decided to embrace in the U.S. Midwest, but in the the surprise international advencapital of Canada. ture. “I figured it was fate. Or a sign. Or just a really expensive “I didn’t even know there typo,” he said with a shrug. was another Ottawa,” Noah said.

“I saw ‘University of Ottawa,’ University of Ottawa staff Ryan Chang thought it was the same thing, say Noah isn’t the first student to and figured they were just being make the mix-up. “It happens evfancy with the name.” ery now and then,” said one admissions coordinator. “We even

CONTRIBUTORS THE FULCRUM WOULD LIKE THANK

FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTION TO THIS PUBLICATION!

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EDITORIAL STAFF Co-Directors of Disinformation Kavi Vidya Achar Andrew Wilimek Indoctrination Expert Sydney Grenier Head Propaganda artist Noah Greyson Holub Fake News Correspondent Kristen Lupsor Misinformation Intern Isabelle Jay Elaborate Hoax Consultant Daniel Jones Boxscore Skimmers Ana Sofia de la Parra Liam Corbett Sensationalism Specialist Basant Chawla Sarcasm Supervisor Amira Benjamin Chat GPT Prompt Writers Marjan Massoom Fejiro Mejire Alternative Facts Anchor Azeeza Kagzi clickbait fabricator Ayai Offor Deepfake Technician Pavel Nangfack

photo: chris zhang/unsplash

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thefulcrum.ca

by Ryan Chang

Former SFUO executives apply for club funding, denied faster than a U-Pass Refund Request

group of former executives from the now-disbanded Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO).

The UOSU has confirmed that the request was quickly and firmly denied despite protests from the group. The ex-executives, apparently missing the days of budget discrepancies In a shocking return from (UOSU) has reported they have and general dysfunction, sought the graveyard of history, the Uni- received a club status request official club status to apply for versity of Ottawa Students’ Union and funding request from a club funding. The group con-

photo: Maddie Leopardo/unsplash

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Despite nearly seven firmed to the Tomato that their re- determined. “We are not giving quest was to host a “nostalgic yet up our dream for a comeback!” years since their formal disforward-thinking reunion event.” declared a former SFUO execu- solution, the re-emergence of tive. “A request has already been SFUO reminds students of one According to sources with- send to GSAÉD [Graduate Stu- thing: some student government in the UOSU, the application was dents’ Association] to help us out! cliques refuse to die, no matter denied in seemingly record time, I know that how much the student body wishas the UOSU Clubs Committee our executives and their execu- es they would. was already in the middle of a tives haven’t always seen eyemeeting when the request was to-eye in a bitter feud that has submitted. “I think we hit ‘decline’ lasted decades, but I’m sure time faster than a cheque disappear- has healed those wounds … or ing from an SFUO financial audit, at least all of those former execuwhich goes to show how fast we tives are no longer did it,” said an unnamed UOSU present.” representative.

When GSAÉD was asked “If they wanted access to comment on this statement, to student funds again, they they simply replied with a colshould’ve just tried stealing a sta- lective sigh coupled with a thoupler. That’s worked better in the sand-yard stare. One executive past for them.” replied to the Tomato’s request for comment with an email which The proposed club, ten- simply read “Not again.” tatively named “Federation Forever”, aimed to bring together In an ironic twist, the forformer SFUO executives to “re- mer SFUO executives have connect, reflect on the legacy of turned to crowdfunding to finance SFUO and totally not talk about their reunion event. “It would the complete mismanagement of be inappropriate to mismanage past budgets, that totally didn’t other people’s money this time.” happen and it’s really funny that read the website. However, an you would even bring that up be- early look at their webpage indicates that despite their best efcause it didn’t happen.” forts, the funds are mysteriously The reunion’s itinerary re- disappearing. portedly included a panel titled “Was it our fault? (Definitely not)” Meanwhile, the UOSU furand a workshop on “Public Rela- ther commented that they remain tions: How to Avoid the Press.” firm on its stance, with one memDespite an itinerary being con- ber of the Clubs Committee statfirmed, the group had stated they ing “We’ve spent years trying to had yet to confirm a location, clean up after them. with multiple restaurants being rejected due to “a failure to meet Recognizing them as a adequate standards for a tasting club would be like inviting a racevent.” coon into the Elgin Street McDonald’s after the closure of the Despite the UOSU’s rejec- Rideau Street McDonald’s.” tion, the ex-executive remained photo: guan yang/unsplash

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by Sydney Grenier

First-year student “scrambling” for summer job in Ottawa to avoid going home The Tomato interviewed students frantically printing their resumes at Morisset.

katchewan, told the Tomato, “I don’t have my driver’s license. I can’t go home because my parents live in the middle of nowhere without any way to escape”.

Another first-year biology student from Toronto, Alice Wayting, said “It’s just a really bad situation at home. My sister took over my room and my parents are on the verge of a divorce.

I’m staying away for as long as I can.”

As the winter term comes inbox is filled with applications.” to an end, the student body is in Students are also feeling a frenzy realizing that if they can’t In a particularly desperate get a job, they’ll have to return the pressure. The Tomato intermove, Wayting took a job at OC viewed students frantically printhome.

Transpo to avoid returning to Toing their resumes at Morrisett. ronto.

Hiring managers on campus are overwhelmed with appliStudents had varying rea“Basically, I’ll be redirectcations. Samara Kofe, manager sons for wanting to stay in Ottaing people to the bus stop when of the CRX Tim Hortons, com- wa over the summer. the train is down,” she added, “It mented “I spend all school year should be a pretty busy summer.”

One third-year business trying to keep students on board.

Then April rolls around, and my student, Tobby Walker from SasOther students are keeping their on campus jobs to stay connected with friends. Second-year communications student Claire Conner told the Tomato “I’ll be working the front desk at the gym in Montpetit. It will be pretty boring since there is no one around, but all my friends are from Ottawa so I’m excited to experience Elgin Street in the summer with them.”

Conner’s friend, a firstyear engineering student, added, “Yeah, we’ll be able to do all kinds of fun summer activities, like swimming in the canal.”

photo: Nick Ringsmuth/unsplash

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WE WANT YOU

WRITERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS & ARTISTS

by Daniel Jones

Proven tactics to distract your lecture hall

blocks are really almost meditative.”

Researchers later asked Trakted what about Tetris made it viable medium for distraction, “I STUDENTS REPORT USING IPAD FOR FRUIT NINJA, NOT NOTETAKING OR asometimes resonate deeply with CLASS READINGS the L block, slowly falling into the slot. I’m not very good though.

A new survey by the Bu- of low-level distractions such as: One time I messed up and I swore reau Of Regulated Intellectual posting to r/geegees, respond- I heard my classmate scoff.”

Nonessential Games (BORING) ing to inflammatory posts on X Classes in the HIS course suggested that more than two- (Formerly Twitter), stalking forthirds of political science students mer partners on Instagram, and code saw significant major-disengaged in some form of distrac- humble-bragging on LinkedIn. A tractions, as per reported data tion while in lectures throughout small percentage of participants from the study, with students claimed they “flicked pieces of self-reporting an increased usthe day. paper across the hall to see how age of non-class related media during lectures. Vance McMaStudents who took the far it goes.” hon, a student studying the histosurvey were asked to detail what methods of distraction they parThe study saw that class- ry of medicine, reported watching took in and in what classes, cor- es such as ECH3421 Resolu- WWE matches during seminars, relating difficulty and length of tion of Geopolitical Conflicts saw claiming that the reason for such lecture to degree of distraction. more intensive forms of distrac- intense distractions was that “I tion as one participant, Des Trak- want something that will compliFirst year courses within ted, detailed, “Tetris plays well on ment the sound of my professor’s the ECH, CMN, and ENG codes my browser when I’m not tabbed presentation. It can’t be too obvisaw students engage in a variety into taking notes and the falling ous, but I’m also tired of playing ‘count the number of seats’ in Simard all the time.”

McMahon later went on to detail that “I’ve noticed though that this method gets a lot of extra views and I’m wondering how to monetize it? I mean, my classmates are watching the stream I pay for. How do I get my classmates to eTransfer me forty cents?”

Researchers are still looking into the effect lecture distractions have on student relations.

photo: Olesia Bahrii/unsplash

BUSINESS, SCIENCE & TECH

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by Isabelle Jay

telfer student turns rent money into “can’t miss” March Madness

Trying to keep the peace, Aces, turned to the r/GeeGees subreddit for advice. Instead of advice, Gee-Gees assembled online to cheer Debter on, some encouraging him to also bet on online bingo — promising donations if he streams it live.

Some students disappointed with misinformation being funded “Call me an entrepreneur. on campus; others happy that “Comedy is now legal” Call me a venturer or even a

risk-taker. But you miss 100 per Ian Debter, a fourth year couldn’t make rent, he kept trying cent of the bets you don’t place,” Telfer student has recently gained to establish a barter system in said Debtor. campus wide attention in his the apartment,” said Grant Aces.

His newly launched quest to turn his rent savings into “But Ian, for the last time, we don’t “the March Madness parlay of want your advice for fantasy foot- streaming channel can be found on Twitch at the gamertag the century.” The expected return ball picks, we need the cash.” “$caredMoneyDontMakeMoney” of his wager would be enough to pay off the entirety of his tuition costs, with just enough left over to grab a promised round at Father and Sons for all of his supporters.

Following his recent ban from Gatineau’s Lac Leamy Casino, Debter turned to FanDuel to create his 17-leg bet, which currently stands at +4500 odds.

Lac Leamy declined to comment directly on Debter, but referred the Fulcrum to their Code of Conduct, which prohibits sleeping overnight in their establishment — even to claim the “luckiest machines” as soon as the Casino opens.

“I don’t know why the caz’ didn’t want my business. I’m just a passionate customer” Debter told the Fulcrum.

Roommates of Debtor have expressed concern regarding his fiscal plan. “Last time he 12

photo: misky/unsplash

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by Daniel Jones

Melting Ottawa snow banks reveal natural foliage of city and new discoveries SPECIALISTS PUZZLED BY NEW SNOW MELT PHENOMENON, QUESTIONS ABOUT NUMBER AND QUALITY OF DISCOVERIES STILL UNDETERMINED. Local Ottawa residents gave researchers a recent shock following the discovery of a new early spring phenomenon. Specialists are reporting dozens of calls claiming to have found a variety of items - including a frat member.

Sports specialists and therapists have been called in to assist Ehind’s recovery, preparing him for the next season and for the tenth year of his undergraduate degree.

“Honestly it didn’t feel that long,” commented Ehind, “but when I found out that we’d won Panda so many times, it puts things in perspective… I mean, six years in a row is a long time.”

A small team of hobby metal detectors were then called in to examine the remnants of the melt, discovering three beer cans, a pee-wee soccer award, and what appeared to be a partially intact car bumper. All items were subsequently examined for weather related damage, revealing a state of “near-perfect cryostasis” as per lab reports.

BUSINESS, SCIENCE & TECH

Residents first found a pair of shoes stuck on the concrete by the local Quickie Mart, also left perfectly intact. After several hours, the snow melt gave way to a larger discovery — one Cleft Ehind, a previously missing member of the Gee-Gees men’s football team from 2017.

The Fulcrum reached out to members of Ehind’s team from the same year for comment, receiving notice that several members were “surprised he turned up” and that there was “concern Ehind would not be able to handle news of the Gee-Gees recent achievements.”

The discovery first occurred last Friday evening by tenants on Bank Street. “We were just walkin home, yaknow, kickin the last of the snow, yaknow, and all of a sudden we saw something glittering in those hills the plows make, yaknow” claims Sir Prise Fynd, a technician for numerous Bank Street pizza restaurants.

Such cryogenic temperatures appear to have been present elsewhere, prompting investigation into the Sandy Hill region.

First reports of anomalous dis-

coveries occurred two days after the discovery on Bank Street.

photo: Shyamli Kashyap/unsplash

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BOARD OF DIRECTORS President

Keelan Buck

ChaiR & fulcrum alumna Emma Godmerea

Secretary

Devin Beauregard

Treasurer

Ria Kunkulol

University Representative Bhanu Bhakta Acharya

Contributor Representative

Editors-in-chief

Kavi Vidya Achar Andrew Wilimek

Siena Domaradzki-Kim

Student RepresentativeS Gabrielle Douglas David Okengwu Agape Williams Tsungai Mazarire

Executive Director Vaishali Thapliyal

If you are interested in joining our Board of Directors, we would love to hear from you.

Please contact president@thefulcrum.ca for more information.

photo: Pavel Nangfack/fulcrum

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thefulcrum.ca

photo: Pavel Nangfack/fulcrum