pp.3. New student levy passes; “Tomato” publication to be funded for 2025-26 school year
pp.5. University of Ottawa confused for Ottawa University by prospective applicant after autocorrect error
pp.7. Former SFUO executives apply for club funding, denied faster than a U-Pass Refund Request
pp.9. First-year student “scrambling” for summer job in Ottawa to avoid going home
pp.11. Proven tactics to distract your lecture hall
pp.12. Telfer student turns rent money into “can’t miss” March Madness
pp.13. Melting Ottawa snow banks reveal natural foliage of city and new discoveries
prospective & unwritten lies
PIVIK announces all-day Mac & Cheese Ottawa City Council hires Shawarma Mayor Name-the-Mascot contest begins to rename the Gee-Gee
photo: Pavel Nangfack/fulcrum
by Andrew Wilimek
New student levy passes; “Tomato” publication to be funded for 2025-26 school year
Some students disappointed with misinformation being funded on campus; others happy that “Comedy is now legal”
SANDY HILL, ON — A student levy to fund the production of the Tomato has passed at last week’s March Annual General Assembly (MAGA). The Tomato, formerly produced by the Fulcrum as a satirical column, is set to move into its own office and launch a new website and Instagram page before the 2025-2026 school year begins.
The move to institute a $1.50/dollar per semester levy was seen as a shock by some within the U of O’s undergraduate community. Most were not happy about misinformation now being funded on campus.
“I ate the Tomato last year at the Circle K on Osgoode,” disclosed a third-year student who wished to remain anonymous for fear of campus embarrassment.
“I walked into the store and was arguing with the cashier, trying to convince him that they were allowed to sell weed now,” added the student, referencing a Tomato article from September. Another decided to pregame in-
side their dorm — by themselves — before October’s Panda Game after a Tomato report was published that alleged Pedro the Panda was skipping the morning tailgate due to stalled contract negotiations with the university, in a show of working- class solidarity.
Others who were not happy about the bill passing include a fringe group who had aligned themselves with the bill early in the process. The group thought they had come to a verbal agreement, which would have added funding for the Fulcrum’s totally genuine advice column Dear Di alongside the Tomato if the levy passed.
The only ones seemingly happy with the situation are a small group of campus elites who brought forward the motion — and the yet-to-be-elected disinformation director of the Tomato. The position is set to be paid and also include perks like a 20 per cent discount on PIVIK sushi.
Elon Musty, a Queen’s
transfer, and Donald Rump, on a one-semester exchange from the Wharton School of Business, lead that group of campus elites. “Comedy is now legal on campus,” Musty, who brought the motion forward at MAGA, told the Tomato.
photo: kate laine/unsplash
by Basant Chawla
University of Ottawa confused for Ottawa University by prospective applicant after autocorrect error
WHEN ONE STUDENT CONFUSED TWO OTTAWAS, HE DIDN’T JUST PICK
THE WRONG SCHOOL, HE PICKED THE WRONG COUNTRY.
Every year, thousands of high school students apply to colleges and universities across North America, hoping to find their perfect academic match. But sometimes, that match comes with unexpected surprises — like accidentally enrolling in an entirely different country.
When Noah Lott, a 17year old student about to graduate from Blue Valley High School, hit “submit” on his college application, he was feeling pretty confident. He had done his research (or so he thought), and was excited to attend Ottawa University in Kansas, just an hour away from home. But one autocorrect, a rushed Google search, and a shiny acceptance letter later, Noah found himself enrolled not in the U.S. Midwest, but in the capital of Canada.
“I didn’t even know there was another Ottawa,” Noah said. “I saw ‘University of Ottawa,’ thought it was the same thing, and figured they were just being fancy with the name.”
What he didn’t realize until several weeks (and one non-refundable deposit) later was that he hadn’t applied to Ottawa University, the small Christian college in Kansas. He had, in fact, applied to the University of Ottawa, a large, bilingual research university located in Ontario, over 2,000 kilometers and one national border away.
“I started getting emails in French, and I just figured it was part of some international studies program,” Noah said. “But then I saw a campus photo with people wearing parkas in April, and I was like… hold on, something’s not right.”
Despite the confusion, Noah has decided to embrace the surprise international adventure. “I figured it was fate. Or a sign. Or just a really expensive typo,” he said with a shrug.
University of Ottawa staff say Noah isn’t the first student to make the mix-up. “It happens every now and then,” said one admissions coordinator. “We even
had a family drive all the way from Missouri once before realizing they were in the wrong country.”
In preparation for his first year, Noah has started brushing up on Canadian slang, learning basic French, and investing in thermal socks. “I’ve already been told to get a toque. I didn’t even know what that was. I thought it was a Pokémon.”
His friends and family have been supportive, if a little bewildered. “My dad printed out a map and said, ‘Son… you’re going north. Way north,’” Noah laughed. “My grandma still thinks I’m going to Ottawa, Kansas. I just didn’t have the heart to tell her.”
While he admits he’ll miss home, and is still adjusting to the idea of living in a city where squirrels outnumber people, Noah is optimistic. “Everyone’s been super friendly. A bit too friendly, actually. I bumped into someone at the airport and they apologized.” His goals for first year? “Make friends, survive winter, and figure out what the heck a Gee-Gee is.”
THE FULCRUM WOULD LIKE THANK Ryan Chang FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTION TO THIS PUBLICATION!
EDITORIAL STAFF
Co-Directors of Disinformation
Kavi Vidya Achar
Andrew Wilimek
Indoctrination Expert
Sydney Grenier
Head Propaganda artist
Noah Greyson Holub
Fake News Correspondent
Kristen Lupsor
Misinformation Intern
Isabelle Jay
Elaborate Hoax Consultant
Daniel Jones
Boxscore Skimmers
Ana Sofia de la Parra
Liam Corbett
Sensationalism Specialist
Basant Chawla
Sarcasm Supervisor
Amira Benjamin
Chat GPT Prompt Writers
Marjan Massoom
Fejiro Mejire
Alternative Facts Anchor
Azeeza Kagzi
clickbait fabricator
Ayai Offor
Deepfake Technician
Pavel Nangfack
photo: chris zhang/unsplash
by Ryan Chang
Former SFUO executives apply for club funding, denied faster than a U-Pass Refund Request
In a shocking return from the graveyard of history, the University of Ottawa Students’ Union
(UOSU) has reported they have received a club status request and funding request from a
group of former executives from the now-disbanded Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO).
The UOSU has confirmed that the request was quickly and firmly denied despite protests from the group. The ex-executives, apparently missing the days of budget discrepancies and general dysfunction, sought official club status to apply for club funding. The group con-
photo: Maddie Leopardo/unsplash
firmed to the Tomato that their request was to host a “nostalgic yet forward-thinking reunion event.”
According to sources within the UOSU, the application was denied in seemingly record time, as the UOSU Clubs Committee was already in the middle of a meeting when the request was submitted. “I think we hit ‘decline’ faster than a cheque disappearing from an SFUO financial audit, which goes to show how fast we did it,” said an unnamed UOSU representative.
“If they wanted access to student funds again, they should’ve just tried stealing a stapler. That’s worked better in the past for them.”
The proposed club, tentatively named “Federation Forever”, aimed to bring together former SFUO executives to “reconnect, reflect on the legacy of SFUO and totally not talk about the complete mismanagement of past budgets, that totally didn’t happen and it’s really funny that you would even bring that up because it didn’t happen.”
The reunion’s itinerary reportedly included a panel titled “Was it our fault? (Definitely not)” and a workshop on “Public Relations: How to Avoid the Press.” Despite an itinerary being confirmed, the group had stated they had yet to confirm a location, with multiple restaurants being rejected due to “a failure to meet adequate standards for a tasting event.”
Despite the UOSU’s rejection, the ex-executive remained
determined. “We are not giving up our dream for a comeback!” declared a former SFUO executive. “A request has already been send to GSAÉD [Graduate Students’ Association] to help us out! I know that our executives and their executives haven’t always seen eyeto-eye in a bitter feud that has lasted decades, but I’m sure time has healed those wounds … or at least all of those former executives are no longer present.”
When GSAÉD was asked to comment on this statement, they simply replied with a collective sigh coupled with a thousand-yard stare. One executive replied to the Tomato’s request for comment with an email which simply read “Not again.”
In an ironic twist, the former SFUO executives have turned to crowdfunding to finance their reunion event. “It would be inappropriate to mismanage other people’s money this time.” read the website. However, an early look at their webpage indicates that despite their best efforts, the funds are mysteriously disappearing.
Meanwhile, the UOSU further commented that they remain firm on its stance, with one member of the Clubs Committee stating “We’ve spent years trying to clean up after them.
Recognizing them as a club would be like inviting a raccoon into the Elgin Street McDonald’s after the closure of the Rideau Street McDonald’s.”
Despite nearly seven years since their formal dissolution, the re-emergence of SFUO reminds students of one thing: some student government cliques refuse to die, no matter how much the student body wishes they would.
photo: guan yang/unsplash
First-year student “scrambling” for summer job in Ottawa to avoid going home
The Tomato interviewed students frantically printing their resumes at Morisset.
As the winter term comes to an end, the student body is in a frenzy realizing that if they can’t get a job, they’ll have to return home.
Hiring managers on campus are overwhelmed with applications. Samara Kofe, manager of the CRX Tim Hortons, commented “I spend all school year trying to keep students on board. Then April rolls around, and my
inbox is filled with applications.”
Students are also feeling the pressure. The Tomato interviewed students frantically printing their resumes at Morrisett.
Students had varying reasons for wanting to stay in Ottawa over the summer.
One third-year business student, Tobby Walker from Sas-
photo: Nick Ringsmuth/unsplash
by Sydney Grenier
katchewan, told the Tomato, “I don’t have my driver’s license. I can’t go home because my parents live in the middle of nowhere without any way to escape”.
Another first-year biology student from Toronto, Alice Wayting, said “It’s just a really bad situation at home. My sister took over my room and my parents are on the verge of a divorce. I’m staying away for as long as I can.”
In a particularly desperate move, Wayting took a job at OC Transpo to avoid returning to Toronto.
“Basically, I’ll be redirecting people to the bus stop when the train is down,” she added, “It should be a pretty busy summer.”
Other students are keeping their on campus jobs to stay connected with friends. Second-year communications student Claire Conner told the Tomato “I’ll be working the front desk at the gym in Montpetit. It will be pretty boring since there is no one around, but all my friends are from Ottawa so I’m excited to experience Elgin Street in the summer with them.”
Conner’s friend, a firstyear engineering student, added, “Yeah, we’ll be able to do all kinds of fun summer activities, like swimming in the canal.”
WE WANT YOU
WRITERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS & ARTISTS
by Daniel Jones
Proven tactics to distract your lecture hall
STUDENTS REPORT USING IPAD FOR FRUIT NINJA, NOT NOTETAKING OR CLASS READINGS
A new survey by the Bureau Of Regulated Intellectual Nonessential Games (BORING) suggested that more than twothirds of political science students engaged in some form of distraction while in lectures throughout the day.
Students who took the survey were asked to detail what methods of distraction they partook in and in what classes, correlating difficulty and length of lecture to degree of distraction.
First year courses within the ECH, CMN, and ENG codes saw students engage in a variety
of low-level distractions such as: posting to r/geegees, responding to inflammatory posts on X (Formerly Twitter), stalking former partners on Instagram, and humble-bragging on LinkedIn. A small percentage of participants claimed they “flicked pieces of paper across the hall to see how far it goes.”
The study saw that classes such as ECH3421 Resolution of Geopolitical Conflicts saw more intensive forms of distraction as one participant, Des Trakted, detailed, “Tetris plays well on my browser when I’m not tabbed into taking notes and the falling
blocks are really almost meditative.”
Researchers later asked Trakted what about Tetris made it a viable medium for distraction, “I sometimes resonate deeply with the L block, slowly falling into the slot. I’m not very good though. One time I messed up and I swore I heard my classmate scoff.”
Classes in the HIS course code saw significant major-distractions, as per reported data from the study, with students self-reporting an increased usage of non-class related media during lectures. Vance McMahon, a student studying the history of medicine, reported watching WWE matches during seminars, claiming that the reason for such intense distractions was that “I want something that will compliment the sound of my professor’s presentation. It can’t be too obvious, but I’m also tired of playing ‘count the number of seats’ in Simard all the time.”
McMahon later went on to detail that “I’ve noticed though that this method gets a lot of extra views and I’m wondering how to monetize it? I mean, my classmates are watching the stream I pay for. How do I get my classmates to eTransfer me forty cents?”
Researchers are still looking into the effect lecture distractions have on student relations.
photo: Olesia Bahrii/unsplash
telfer student turns rent money into “can’t miss” March Madness
Some students disappointed with misinformation being funded on campus; others happy that “Comedy is now legal”
Ian Debter, a fourth year Telfer student has recently gained campus wide attention in his quest to turn his rent savings into “the March Madness parlay of the century.” The expected return of his wager would be enough to pay off the entirety of his tuition costs, with just enough left over to grab a promised round at Father and Sons for all of his supporters.
Following his recent ban from Gatineau’s Lac Leamy Casino, Debter turned to FanDuel to create his 17-leg bet, which currently stands at +4500 odds.
Lac Leamy declined to comment directly on Debter, but referred the Fulcrum to their Code of Conduct, which prohibits sleeping overnight in their establishment — even to claim the “luckiest machines” as soon as the Casino opens.
“I don’t know why the caz’ didn’t want my business. I’m just a passionate customer” Debter told the Fulcrum.
Roommates of Debtor have expressed concern regarding his fiscal plan. “Last time he
couldn’t make rent, he kept trying to establish a barter system in the apartment,” said Grant Aces. “But Ian, for the last time, we don’t want your advice for fantasy football picks, we need the cash.”
Trying to keep the peace, Aces, turned to the r/GeeGees subreddit for advice. Instead of advice, Gee-Gees assembled online to cheer Debter on, some encouraging him to also bet on online bingo — promising donations if he streams it live.
“Call me an entrepreneur. Call me a venturer or even a risk-taker. But you miss 100 per cent of the bets you don’t place,” said Debtor.
His newly launched streaming channel can be found on Twitch at the gamertag “$caredMoneyDontMakeMoney”
photo: misky/unsplash
by Daniel Jones
Melting Ottawa snow banks reveal natural foliage of city and new discoveries
SPECIALISTS PUZZLED BY NEW SNOW MELT PHENOMENON, QUESTIONS ABOUT NUMBER AND QUALITY OF DISCOVERIES STILL UNDETERMINED.
Local Ottawa residents gave researchers a recent shock following the discovery of a new early spring phenomenon. Specialists are reporting dozens of calls claiming to have found a variety of items - including a frat member.
The discovery first occurred last Friday evening by tenants on Bank Street. “We were just walkin home, yaknow, kickin the last of the snow, yaknow, and all of a sudden we saw something glittering in those hills the plows make, yaknow” claims Sir Prise Fynd, a technician for numerous Bank Street pizza restaurants.
A small team of hobby metal detectors were then called in to examine the remnants of the melt, discovering three beer cans, a pee-wee soccer award, and what appeared to be a partially intact car bumper. All items were subsequently examined for weather related damage, revealing a state of “near-perfect cryostasis” as per lab reports.
Such cryogenic temperatures appear to have been present elsewhere, prompting investigation into the Sandy Hill region. First reports of anomalous dis-
coveries occurred two days after the discovery on Bank Street.
Residents first found a pair of shoes stuck on the concrete by the local Quickie Mart, also left perfectly intact. After several hours, the snow melt gave way to a larger discovery — one Cleft Ehind, a previously missing member of the Gee-Gees men’s football team from 2017.
The Fulcrum reached out to members of Ehind’s team from the same year for comment, receiving notice that several members were “surprised he turned up” and that there was “concern Ehind would not be able to handle news of the Gee-Gees recent achievements.”
Sports specialists and therapists have been called in to assist Ehind’s recovery, preparing him for the next season and for the tenth year of his undergraduate degree.
“Honestly it didn’t feel that long,” commented Ehind, “but when I found out that we’d won Panda so many times, it puts things in perspective… I mean, six years in a row is a long time.”
photo: Shyamli Kashyap/unsplash
BOARD OF DIRECTORS
President
Keelan Buck
ChaiR & fulcrum alumna
Emma Godmerea
Secretary
Devin Beauregard
Treasurer
Ria Kunkulol
University Representative
Bhanu Bhakta Acharya
Contributor Representative
Siena Domaradzki-Kim
Student RepresentativeS
Gabrielle Douglas
David Okengwu
Agape Williams
Tsungai Mazarire
Executive Director
Vaishali Thapliyal
Editors-in-chief
Kavi Vidya Achar
Andrew Wilimek
If you are interested in joining our Board of Directors, we would love to hear from you. Please contact president@thefulcrum.ca for more information.
