10 minute read
Invisible Scars
Invisible Scars the unseen wounds of an emotionally abusive relationship
The following story offers valuable insights into what it’s like to live in an abusive relationship. It was the wish of the author to remain anonymous, and we respect that right. For many people, especially women, simply garnering the strength to bring about change is an extremely difficult task - the task of getting enough support to get to the other side, and find one’s self again.
It all started with calling me sickening names - names that no person should ever call a partner. The first time was four months after we bought a home and moved in together. I was distraught and confused, but he had a way of smoothing over the worst of his behaviours, including an uncanny ability to blame me for them.
Truth be told, there were many red flags before the name-calling started. These included wanting to move in together quickly and being overly possessive. He could also be wonderful, charismatic, generous and kind. I wanted to invest heavily in the man with those beautiful qualities. With rose coloured glasses on, I chose to overlook the flags and continue our relationship.
After some months, I recognised a pattern beginning to form within our relationship. We would get along well for a period, then eventually we would argue over something. This could go on for hours. It was exhausting. He would stand in doorways blocking me from leaving the room or follow me around the house, keeping me engaged in battle. I got frustrated, he got frustrated and it would always end with him yelling, calling me the most horrific names repeatedly. It didn’t matter to him if my two children from a previous relationship were at home to hear.
After every argument, he would bombard me with voluminous abusive text messages, name-calling and blaming me for everything that went wrong in our entire relationship. Later, he would say sorry, appearing to be remorseful for his behaviour. He would say he would never do it again. I held onto that promise, but instead, the behaviours worsened.
Confusion and insecurity grew within me. I pressed on in an unpredictable relationship, clinging to the good times but also walking on eggshells. Deep down, I knew I was not happy. I started to notice every day that I dreaded him coming home from work. Even if our relationship was in a good space, I felt sick the moment his car pulled in the drive.
He would make inflammatory statements and deny he said them, or change the tone from the way he said it initially, to make something sound more benign than it was. Or deny it, claiming that I must have heard wrong. A tactic called gaslighting. He’d talk to others about me behind my back and then enjoy telling me the derogatory things they said about me. He would involve his family, friends, doctor and a woman to whom he was aligning himself closely. Even though we had a very young child, I later found out that he was making future plans with this other woman.
He lied to me for years about this. He would lecture and criticise me, especially concerning the children. He would start conversations he knew would spark conflict moments before I had to leave for work, or he’d walk out/leave our home, preventing me from going to work due to children needing care. I became frustrated and very anxious. I focused on keeping the peace, agreeing to appease him just to be able to get to do normal things like get to work on time. It was getting embarrassing turning up late to work, with unlikely excuses.
Things escalated rapidly and I felt genuine fear and concern for myself and my children. In short I ended the relationship (there is a whole other backstory here) and unbelievably, things took a turn for the worse. Again being prevented from
going to work, I was yelled at for an entire day, called the most horrific names and head-butted in the kitchen with our young child in the next room crying; making him aware of this made no difference to his focus on me.
There were other physical incidents before this; things were escalating quickly. It was only a matter of time before I got seriously hurt. I left the family home and moved to a rental with the children. I later found out he would talk to others about being violent with me and justify this in various ways.
Leaving did not give us peace. I received more angry, abusive texts and emails. Sometimes over a 100 in one day alone. I received threats of implied harm by a third party if I didn’t tell him things, or he would threaten to post on Facebook audio recordings of our arguments. He would come to my rental home, bringing furniture from our house, other rubbish, broken items and a compost bin full of cat excrement. He kept going day and night, despite being asked not to. It was extremely stressful, a nightmare situation. I felt sick all the time and I couldn’t sleep. My children were distressed and being detrimentally affected.
I finally got the courage to go to the police to discuss an Intervention Order (IVO). He somehow found out. He told me that bikers he knew are watching me, since I’d gone to the police. I believed him. I was now in a high state of hypervigilance, watching over my shoulder, feeling nauseous and shaky every time my phone alerted me with a message, or there was a knock at the door. I couldn’t focus at home, at work – it was all too much!
It sounds crazy to me now that I didn’t go through with an IVO with all that going on. I felt intimidated, scared and concerned for our safety. I worried that an IVO couldn’t protect me, as we lived nearby and would make his anger worse! I attempted to set boundaries on my own, but he’d get angry and did not respect them. I made daily excuses for his abusive
behaviours. He told me that I was the problem; I caused him to become angry. I believed him.
One year after separation, I finally applied through the courts for an IVO. I wish I had sought one earlier. Although he continued to breach it, the police took it very seriously, as did the courts and he was incarcerated.
But I had lost myself. The abuse, especially the namecalling affected my selfworth. It was like a fog had washed over me during this time. Life was stressful and it became about survival – self-care was not a priority. Thankfully, I was referred to a Domestic Violence Caseworker. She offered fantastic support. I received funding for CCTV in my home and to change the locks, which helped me to feel safer. She helped me to put some personal goals and a safety plan in place.
It’s now five years since separation. It’s taken me a long time to get my sense of self back, but I can now say I’m thrilled. There is life after a toxic, emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship! I know I would now not tolerate disrespectful, abusive behaviours from anyone. I understand my worth more than ever and I am grateful for that.
I have learned to trust my intuition – if something doesn’t feel right, there’s usually a good reason. I’d been overriding my intuition most of my life, not anymore! While it took me a while to get there, valuable life lessons have come from this experience. I am proud I have demonstrated to my children, the strength and bravery required to take a stand against abuse in any form, to expect respect.
There is a wealth of support out there for people who experience family violence. Going alone in situations like mine is scary and unnecessary. I had good friends and counsellor support. Police have specialised family violence units and helped explain the court process for the IVO and gave excellent advice for maintaining safety. There are several useful websites to visit also;
Safesteps Family Violence Response Centre 1800 015 188 www.safesteps.org.au
DVRCV (Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria) www. dvrc.org.au
1800 RESPECT Counselling 1800 737 732 www.1800respect.org.au
I hope that sharing my story can help others who are in similar situations.
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