The squealer magazine issue 3

SQUEALER

MAGAZINE

THE

KOH SAMUI’S DEFINITIVE TOILET READ

ISSUE 3 / NOVEMBER 2013

HUGH LAURIE New career as Vet?

BIEBER DOES DALLAS

Destined To Be An Unanimated Classic

NEVERTOO LATE IN SEATTLE TorridTales ofTravel On A Green Bus

MILEY CYRUS DOES NOT BARE ALL INTHIS ISSUE

INSIDE

BAR ICE ADVERT

04

WELCOME

08

PICS ‘N’ THINGS

11

FEATURE

16

TRAVEL

22

HOLIDAY

30

COMEDY GREATS

36

SPOTLIGHT

37

UBERCOOLGADGETS

48

JUST THOUGHTS

50

THE DAILY SPOON

08

come on inside

precious moments caught in the act

strange tattoos in even stranger places

not at all sleepless in seattle

11

perfect holiday ideas

we’ve got to the 70’s

36

hugh laurie has left the house

well they were in our day

dastardly goings on in the dormitory

teenager weds mobile phone

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SQUEALER magazine

Editor Lorraine Clark

editors drivel I really can’t be bothered to write anything this month. So instead, here’s a mushroom soup recipe and a picture of a Jack Russell.

Design and Web ets.io

Advertising advertising@squealermagazine.com Newsdesk newsdesk@squealermagazine.com

Ingredients: 3 medium onions, chopped 2 garlic cloves, minced 1/4 cup butter 2 pounds fresh mushrooms, chopped 2 cups heavy whipping cream 2 cups beef broth 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon pepper Grated Parmesan cheese and minced fresh parsley, optional In a large saucepan, cook onions and garlic in butter over mediumlow heat until tender. Reduce heat to low; add the mushrooms.

Cook until tender, stirring occasionally, 8-10 minutes. Add the cream, broth, salt, and pepper; cook and stir over low heat until heated through. Garnish with Parmesan cheese and parsley if desired.

Questions and Contact: Email: info@squealermagazine.com Web: www.squealermagazine.com

Lorraine Clark editor

There’s been a death in the family

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

LETTERS

Dear Squealer,

I now understand that your magazine is all about humour.

Thought you might be interested to see the top 10 jokes at the 2012 Edinburgh Festival: The top ten jokes chosen this year are as follows: 1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name?

Posh and Becks.”

2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ” 3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”

5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.”

6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”

7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.”

8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.”

10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”

You never know they might come in handy.

Regards, Stacey

Dear Squealer,

Love the quotes section in you last issue. Here are a few more you might like: “If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”

– Dick Cavett.

“At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as normal.” – Patrick Moore.

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog, I’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx.

“Some people say that I must be horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.” – Stephen King.

Yours, Steven Yeo

Dear Squealer,

Re: Home Talent - How come you don’t have any Koh Samui writers working for Squealer? Is this deliberate?

Regards, Joseph We’re always looking for funny writers Joseph and believe you me we don’t give a toss where they come from.

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Dear Squealer,

Re: Almost Famous When I was about fourteen I went to see Bruce Springsteen in concert. It turned out they were filming the gig for a television show and for a dare I ran up on to the stage in the middle of Born To Runn, played a nifty bit of air guitar and then bar-dived spectacularly into the crowd. A few of my friends still have copies of the video in which you can clearly see the crowd falling over themselves to get out of my way as I plummet to a double fracture of my right forearm on the concrete floor below. Frankly I’m afraid to get married.

Regards, Dave We really don’t believe you, Dave.

Dear Squealer,

I recently wet to what was described on the notice board of my local supermarket as a ‘garage sale’. I ws really quite excited, because I have just bought a new car and have been worried about leaving it on the streets. Well you can imagine my disappointment when I arrived at the given address, only to find the garage still full of rubbish. And the owners weren’t making the slightest effort to bin any if it but were apparently waiting for complete strangers to come round and buy it. Talk about tight.

John Brown

Dear Squealer Mind Blowing Don’t know if you can read the words on this ad from the 60’s – it says, “Blow in her face and she’ll follow you anywhere”.

How times have changed.

Julie

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.

Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!”

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FUNNIES

Speak the same language?

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

How the Military deal with snakes...

Divert your course…of course!

Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle.

Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.

Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.

Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation (between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995).

Communications released by US Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95 Americans: Please divert your course by 15 degrees North to avoid collision.

Canadians: Recommend YOU divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, YOU divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT IS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse, your call.

The story of Uncle Bob The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess” “And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Now, Lucy?”

“Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.”

“That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “ What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Don’t f*ck with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.”

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MORE FUNNIES

FEATURE

FISHY Two goldfish are in a tank , one says to the other “Hey, how do you drive this thing?”

STUPID Two men walked into a bar.

You would have thought at least one of them would have ducked.

ROMANCE The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I’m on the toilet. Please advise.

(Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?)

AISLE 5 A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife. “They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies. “Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife. Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”

That’s him on Aisle 5

UNKNOWN FAMOUS LAST WORDS Give me liberty or give me death.

Hey, watch this!

I’m making a citizen’s arrest.

That’s odd.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

What time does your husband come home?

I’m going to go ver and kiss that cute tiger.

I think it’s dead.

It’s not loaded.

No Tony I don’t have your money.

I built it myself.

I don’t need a helmet.

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INSTANT HUMOR

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www.buzzfeed.com

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STUFF

STUFF

Computers: The ‘Superpad’ notebook pc by Sony

Novelty inventions: English Dictionary Set w@ a gr8 idea! f uv evr found yrslf Bafld by ‘old people’ ry TN, dis S jst d device u nd 2 mak senZ of it ll. Ful of rly ancient wrds – some rly lng 1s 2 – it nt 1ly tells u hw d crusties uzd 2 spel em – bt also tells u w@ dey mean! Ik u rly nd 2 knw. A gr8 idea 4 a novelty xmas presnt A bit pricey thO @ $1700.

Music: The Ipod Nanny

The boffins at Sony have more than excelled themselves with this divine little piece of 21st century technology. The Superpad, powered by a revolutionary carbon-based Intel microchip, is already setting new standards in the ultra-lightweight division of the notepad market. Weighing in at an unbelievably light 100g, it’s a must have tool for all the road warrior business types on the move. Other notepads might call themselves smart but how many of them can instantly convert your thought patterns from crude electronic signals into smart graphite representations in the form of text, numbers or graphics, all of which you can save and retrieve later at a flip of a page? Not many.

Plus, and this is beginning to sound like an ugly, men versus boys mismatch here, it has a battery life of just less than infinity, the durability to withstand being stamped on for half an hour by a herd of obese elephants, a 0.01mm thick, fully rotatable screen and progressive scan technology for full Xerox compatibility back at head office.

In fact the only old-fashioned thing about the Superpad is its price tag. Available from most good retailers for just $2.99.

Another pat on the back to those oh-so-clever people at Apple. First they give us the Ipod and then the Ipod Nano/ Touch and Shuffle, well now the Ipod Nanny.

This random play, multi-setting Home Music Device comes with built-in speakers (so obvious!) and an effective hard disc capacity of 1000 miga, biga, trigger, biga bites – which believe us is a lot. Built deliberately large as an added security measure, this sleek –lined little spanker , style by none other than Italian wizard Guglielmo Marconi, can run off mains or batteries (running time: just over a year, a little longer if you take the back off and roll the batteries around a bit).

The Nanny comes completely pre-programmed with tunes and sounds from all parts of the world and all eras. No need to spend hours trying to set up your playlist for that all important party, just plug in the Nanny and let her go.

Price: 1 Guinea

Computer games: Outside-World Gamers beware, the latest craze sweeping in from the code wizards are Cybercentral is so advanced, so real, so complex, so powerful, so mind-bogglingly bastard brilliant, that it’s surely going to sweep all other games out of its way like a runaway Chieftain tank charging through a field-full of puppies. Called ‘Outside World’ it features the ultimate conglomeration of peerto-peer technology and virtual reality gimmicks so technically perfect that interaction with other on-line gamers is so real it could almost be real.

Outside- World can be accessed by means of an ultra-sleek, stainless steel console called a ‘key’, which according to head-designer Kurt Doomster will open the door to a whole new world of gaming. “It is an all-round sensory experience in which gamers can interact with totally life-like characters, walk down the street, catch a bus, and even smell the flowers.”

Hardcore gamers are advised not to skip the preliminary boot-up process, which includes taking a bath, putting on some clothes and finding a pair of sunglasses to protect against a special feature of the game called ‘sunlight’. Outside –World comes with a lifetime guarantee and ‘key’ consoles cost just $1.99 from your local hardware store.

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TRAVEL SQUEALER

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“You mean at one of the city bus stops?” I asked him.

“I don’t know.”

“What if I’m standing at the wrong place when it arrives?”

“Just stand across from Union Station,” he said. “It’ll find you.”

The street across from Union Station in Los Angeles is about as free-flowing as an eighteen-year-old’s carotid artery. In other words, it’s BUSY. I couldn’t imagine a Green Tortoise bus stalling traffic while it loaded passengers and luggage so I went to the first intersecting street and sat on a low rock wall.

NEVER TOO LATE Los Angeles to Seattle

A few months ago, I reserved a seat on a Green Tortoise bus for a Los Angeles to Seattle trip. I was told to verify the reservation a day before departure. When I asked for the address of the depot in LA, I was told to simply, “...stand across the street from Union Station”.

I arrived at Union Station a week later with an overstuffed daypack, a laptop computer and a dufflebag that weighed more than a Pullman car with passengers.

A glance at the clock tower told me I had three and a half hours to wait. Plenty of time to find the pickup location. But after walking up and down the street a few times under 3G’s of luggage, I still had no idea where the bus was going to stop. So I found a pay phone and called the 1-800 number again. The person who answered was a little unclear.

“It just says here, ‘Across from Union Station’.”

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Two hours later a taxi pulled up and a young woman stepped out.

“You waiting for the Green Tortoise?” she asked me.

cushions. Along the length of the bus, up to the yellow line behind the driver’s seat, half-sheet ply bunks hung on chains a few feet below the ceiling. And at the back of the bus, full-width and six feet deep, was a large sleeping

“And if a real emergency arose, a funnel on a hose could be vented to the outside. Probably the reason I never saw any dogs chasing our bus.”

“Guilty,” I replied.

She paid the driver, wrestled her backpack from the trunk and sat on the grass beside me. We chatted for a little while then noticed a few people standing across the street, backpacks at their feet.

surface under which lived more storage space. Above this extra large bunk was a pine stall where the second driver slept during the first driver’s shift. Clusters of overhead lamps bristled along the ceiling, companioned by several speakers for our traveling music.

“Isn’t this where the bus stops?” my companion asked.

“No idea,” I said. “Maybe we should be over there.” Without another word we lugged our equipment across the street and discovered the new arrivals were seasoned Green Tortoise aficionados.

The bus arrived right on schedule and the driver, a kinetic man in his midthirties, stepped off and made himself comfortable on a low brick wall. He opened a folder and, after warning the passengers who were disembarking that the stay would be brief and not to wander off too far, began selling tickets. Twenty minutes later, my laptop and dufflebag were safely tucked into the lower luggage bins. Grasping a $5 breakfast voucher, I climbed the stairwell and got my first look inside a Green Tortoise bus.

It was like being hurled back three decades. Apart from two ‘diner booths’ midway on either side of the bus, the entire surface was given over to upholstered foam

I sat on a long bench behind the driver, molded myself into the corner created by the back of one of the diner booths and wondered at the abundance of ear, nose,

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tongue and navel rings, tattoos and neon hair, I was old enough to be the father of everyone except the driver. By the time we reached Seattle, I was thankful I was not.

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new passengers, had a restroom break and performed something the driver called “The Magic”, which was the conversion of bench seats and booths into sleeping areas. All packs were stashed underneath and remained out of reach until morning. Sleeping bags and blankets were expected to appear from personal gear. Anyone not aware of this was left to shiver on the cushions. My wool poncho survived the transformation and covered the situation.

The driver finally boarded, stowed his paperwork, then faced the thirtyfive passengers and gave an informal speech about Green Tortoise travel ethics and logistics.

Two things stand out in my memory. No washrooms.

No air conditioners.

Thirty-five people can generate a lot of of physics’ little-known “The street across from Union Station One heat. And bladders laws says that thirty-seven are just timed geysers in Los Angeles is about as free flowing people, unfurling the lower with unpredictable halves of their bodies, take as an eighteen-year-old’s carotid clocks. This being up twice the surface-area understood, we were artery.” they occupy when seated. I told there would be was quickly enmeshed in a several stops to refuel tangled bouquet of limbs. and pick up new passengers. And if a real emergency The driver lowered the volume and, as if this was a signal, arose, a funnel on a hose could be vented to the outside. everyone fell silent. The road noise wasn’t enough to Probably the reason I never saw any dogs chasing our drown out the discord of sonorous septums that gradualbus. ly muddied the silence. And I became regretfully aware of another kind of geyser, the kind that silently erupts from It was dark when the bus nuzzled into traffic and slid the gaseous empty spaces below neighboring bladders. away from the Los Angeles skyline. Blue-grass music reveled from the speakers. I stared out of a window at Somewhere along the way we crossed to Hwy 101. At the lights of endless businesses, scrolling their luminous San Luis Obispo the bus stopped to change drivers. The promises. air was cool and damp and within a few miles, patches Our first stop was triple-purposed. We picked up two of mist appeared. Near Castorville, the bus plunged into a thick bank of fog without slowing down. I must have nodded off for a while. When I opened my eyes the sky was softly glowing in the east and we were on Hwy 1. The fog had road, waiting to enter traffic, its driver covered in layers of clothing, a gray hood hiding his face.

About a half hour later some of the passengers began yawning themselves awake. The bus stopped below an overpass in downtown San Francisco where we were given the option of going to the Green Tortoise Hostel or debarking and finding our own diversions for the eleven hour layover. I followed a dozen other passengers off the bus, made a phone call and spent the day with some friends.

By eight o’clock that evening the bus pulled away from the underpass and made its way to Berkley, where it picked up a few more passengers. Added to the ones who boarded in San Francisco, the passenger complement was now forty strong. At Vacaville we stopped at a SavMax parking lot and performed ‘The Miracle’ again.

There was even less room for sleeping now.

Redding, Yreka, Ashland and Medford rolled by our dark windows. I slept. When I awoke just outside Grants Pass, we were stopping at a Denny’s restaurant for a muchneeded plumbing break. About an hour later, just north of Wolf Creek, the bus turned off the highway onto a road that penetrated the rain forest. This was Cow Creek, a stopover of two or three hours where passengers could swim in the stream, enter the buff zone of a home-built sauna, wander the sylvan footpaths, or just sit around the firepit and shoot the breeze.

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way back to the bus.

Cow Creek was where the $5 breakfast voucher earned its keep. A posse of volunteers were recruited from the passengers to work in the mess bus, an old Green Tortoise vehicle rigged with an impressive assortment of commercial kitchen equipment.

Green Tortoise cuisine is largely vegetarian. The morning’s fare was great heaps of pancakes and a satellite dish-sized fruit salad. Above a small embankment opposite the mess bus was a tall, truly 60’s geodesic dome where a table of coffee and tea urns called to the caffeine addicts. One of the passengers noticed the marvelous Buckminster acoustics of the dome and went to fetch his banjo.

Cleanup was as communal as the food preparation. I piloted a tea towel beside a young woman who CEOed a business in Hawaii which applauded the curative powers of the noni plant.

After breakfast I toured Cow Creek on foot. The place was a scavenger’s utopia. Old water pumps, motors, handsplit shakes, and a stack of unused windows and doors. A vintage car lay abandoned at the edge of a creek, stoically wearing its rain forest shadows; it seemed resigned to whisper its psychotropic, communal history to the plastic lenses of Green Tortoise shutterbugs.

The last seven hours of our journey were upon us and it seemed the nostalgia of a university district had released some free-wheeling endorphins among the bus population. An atmosphere of heightened silliness, whose ground zero was three girls sitting in the booth next to me, raged like an Andromeda Strain through the bus.

The music got louder and some people broke out into song, quite independent of the music, both in melody and lyrics. A girl in the back began extemporizing rhymes to a heartbeat she tapped out with a pen on the back of a seat. A few people joined her percussion with their hands. Then a baby I had no knowledge of, began crying.

Except for the baby, the sound-fest lasted all the way to Portland. Unlike the others, the baby got tired.

It was dark in Seattle when the Green Tortoise pulled up to the curb on 9th Street, beside the Greyhound Bus Depot. There was the final ceremony of claiming luggage from a rogue’s gallery of backpacks, dufflebags, Guatemalan tote baskets, bindles, daypacks and the odd suitcase or two. Bicycles slid down from the roof of the bus and found their owners. The bus driver exchanged good-byes with familiar faces. And the new generation of cross-current travelers, assembling in tribes on their side of the gap, looking somewhat different from their ice-age counterparts but sounding very much the same, slowly disappeared into the shadows of a cool Seattle night.

For more information, visit:

www.fineartsamerica.com www.greentortoise.com

We were on the highway again by 10:30 am, cheered up by distended stomachs and an extended period of freedom and elbowroom. Three hours later, we rolled into Eugene, Oregon and pulled up at 14th and Kincaid. The university bookstore was less than a block away and I made good use of the forty minute stop to plunder the stacks of titles. As I left the building I noticed a food stand on the sidewalk, what they call a puesta in Mexico, except this one was Greek.

I ordered a vegetarian souvlaki and dripped a trail of condiments all the

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Holiday Property Abroad – Villa rentals on the island of Koh Samui, Thailand.

We have a great selection of rental villas to choose from – With the best deals and the knowledge to be able to make your Villa vacation dream come true.

If you can’t find what you like on our website, contact us with your details and we will look for you!

www.holidaypropertyabroad.com email: info@holidaypropertyabroad.com phone: (+66) 089 047 6348

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most populated, and Chaweng is the busiest beach, with hardly a gap along the beachfront between restaurants, resorts and bars. At night, the beach takes off her sundress and glams up with her evening dress, completes with diamond earrings – metaphorically speaking that is. As the sun sets, sun-loungers are replaced with tables set out at the water’s edge. The aroma of sunscreen is replaced by the mouth-watering smells wafting from the open seafood barbecues on the beach. Sunglasses come off, first to view the brilliant sunsets, and later to gaze at the moon over the bay, or the fairy lights and lanterns lighting up the beach and palm trees.

As developed as Samui has become in some areas, what’s good to know is that the island observes a quaint building regulation – no building may be higher than the closest coconut palm. Now while these palms can get quite tall, this is still a far cry from the skyscrapers that line Phuket’s (Thailand’s biggest island) shore, and most resorts are still of the villa or bungalow style. If you’re looking for a slower pace, head west and south and get a feel of what Samui must have been like a few decades ago.

Samui Holiday

Back in the 1970s the word ‘Samui’ was known only to a few of the most adventurous backpackers eager to explore this little known and tricky to reach island. Then, a basic thatched bungalow with generator power and running water was considered luxury. Nowadays, 5-star resorts, that rival any world-class destination, occupy the prime beachfront and clifftop locations bringing the jetsetter crowd to this now well-known and easily accessible island in the Gulf of Thailand.

Samui is Thailand’s third largest island, yet mea sures just 21 kilometres at its widest point and 25 at its longest. A ring-road runs around the island for approximately 50 kilometres and links the many beaches and bays, so hiring a car or scooter is recommended, as it’s the best way to explore. Don’t be afraid to venture down an unmarked palm-lined track – this is how you come across some of Samui’s best kept secret beaches.

And it’s beaches after all that bring visitors to a tropical island, and those visitors will not be disappointed with Samui’s selection of bays and coves - from long stretches of white sand, to small coves, protected by giant boulders.

Samui’s eastern and northern shores are the

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Another beach worth visiting is Choeng Mon at the north-eastern tip of the island. Frequented by expats, this is an ideal family beach, with just enough vendors to be convenient when you’re looking for a snack or drink, but not enough to bother you. South of Chaweng, before Samui’s second largest beach of Lamai, are two small coves, namely Crystal Bay and Coral Cove.

Samui has more to offer visitors and residents than just glorious beaches. Golf enthusiasts will delight in the views on offer from the challenging Santiburi Golf Club, high up in the hills above Maenam. There’re other golfing options available on the island too, including mini golf, and believe it or not, football golf.

There’s a fair selection of adrenalin sports, both on land and in water too.

accommodation-wise. From tiny beach bungalows, with not more than a hammock swinging between two trees, to luxury establishments offering the best of everything as well as all types of rooms in between, you’ll find it on Samui. There’s traditional to contemporary, family-friendly to hip and happening and allinclusive resorts to self-catering establishments too.

One of the best parts of travelling is trying new food.

Whether it’s Thai food you’re after or international cuisine, Samui’s chefs can prepare it for you. Be sure to try a walking street market during your stay too.

Fancy a night out on the town? Well the busier areas such as Chaweng and Lamai are home to a vast selection of night clubs, bars and cabaret shows. But you don’t have to wait until evening to party, with venues such as Nikki Beach on the west coast, and Beach Republic on the east coast, hosting DJs from lunchtime as guests mingle, dine and laze by the beachfront pools.

There’s plenty to see too during your stay, from viewpoints to temples and religious sites and butterfly gardens to Muay Thai boxing matches. There’s so much to see and do, that’s it’s best to make a list of your favourites so you don’t miss out.

Shopaholics won’t be disappointed with the retail therapy on offer. From bargaining at market stands to buying local designer-wear or original souvenirs made on Samui , you’ll find just what you’re looking for. Samui may not have big shopping malls (yet), but that doesn’t mean shopping can’t be fun and rewarding as you wander along the shopping strips set back from the beaches. Of course, you can have a suit tailor-made too in just a day or two. Who would have thought?

Whether you’re planning an action-packed holiday, or

Prefer something a little less energetic? Well Samui has become known as a spa, detox and pampering hub of Southeast Asia.

Whether you’re after a full detox program or just a day of ‘me time’, you’ll find a vast array of spas to choose from. You can’t go wrong with a 300 baht massage on the beach too. a time to unwind with the family, you can find all the Whether you’re a backpacker, a flashpacker or a 5-star- information you require at www.samuiholiday.com. It all-the-way kind of traveller, again, Samui will please will even tell you how to get here …

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

HOW TO GET TO SAMUI Fancy the Holiday of a Lifetime?

Koh Samui could be the place for YOU! Why Samui? What makes this tropical island in the Gulf of Thailand so popular, welcoming around one million tourists annually via air and ferry. An overview of this amazing island of coconuts, its beaches, and what it has to offer the holidaymaker.

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Koh Samui has something for everyone‌ As well as enjoying the natural beauty that is everywhere on Koh Samui, there are also many interesting and exciting aspects of island life to explore; some traditions having remained unchanged for centuries. And, of course, there is a wide variety of fascinating local temples to visit and some of them may surprise you!

http://www.samuiholiday.com/attractions.html

Read more about the beaches on Samui...

http://www.samuiholiday.com/samuiinbrief.html

How do you get here?

WEDDING ADVERT

As Samui is an island, it goes without saying that flight or ferry are your only options. Here you will find advice on not only the quickest and easiest way to reach Samui by air, but also budget options that involve trains, busses and finally ferries. It doesn’t matter HOW you get here, just get here!

http://www.samuiholiday.com/ gettingto.html 24

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ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SMART-ARSE QUIPPERY C is for ‘Cats’…

“I gave my cat a bath the other day. They love it. He just sat there and enjoyed it. It was fun for me. The fur kept sticking to my tongue, but other than that….”

(Steve Martin)

…and for ‘Confusion’…

“I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.”

(Johnny Depp)

…and for ‘Cool’…

“The cool thing about being famous is travelling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.”

(Britney Spears)

…and for ‘Cute’…

“The only rule is don’t be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.”

(Paris Hilton)

....and for ‘Champagne’…

“And now, I am dying beyond my means. [Sipping champagne on his deathbed]” (Oscar Wilde)

…and for ‘Children’…

“Kid’s will eat anything-snot, scabs, soil, earwax, toenail clippings. But not sprouts.”

(Tony Burgess)

…and for ‘Communication’…

“I have email, a pager, a cell phone, a fax. I’ve got an answering machine, three phone lines at home, one in my purse, and a phone in my car. The only excuse I have if I don’t return your call is I just don’t like you.”

(Alicia Brandt)

…and for ‘Cheap’…

“Never try to keep up with the Jones’s. It’s much cheaper to drag them down to your level.”

(Quentin Crisp)

...and for ‘Computer’…

“They call it ‘surfing the net’. It’s not surfing. It’s typing in your bedroom.’

(Jack Dee)

…and for ‘Cosmetic Surgery’…

“I don’t need plastic surgery. I need Lourdes” (Paul O’Grady)

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DATES FOR YOUR DIARY

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NOVEMBER 2013 2

LOOK FOR CIRCLES DAY

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HOUSEWIFE’S DAY 4

KING TUT DAY

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MAROONED WITHOUT A COMPASS DAY

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CHAOS NEVER DIES DAY

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WORLD KINDNESS DAY

15 CLEAN YOU REFRIGERATOR DAY 16 BUTTON DAY 19 HAVE A BAD DAY DAY 20 BEAUTIFUL DAY 21 WORLD HELLO DAY 22 GO FOR A RIDE DAY 26 SHOPPING REMINDER DAY 28 MAKE YOUR OWN HEAD DAY 29 BUY NOTHING DAY 30 STAY AT HOME BECAUSE YOU ARE WELL DAY 28

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HISTORY OF COMEDY The 1970s

Synonymous with sex, drugs and rock n roll, the 70s gave us hedonism, a change in morals, the R rated movie and Burt Reynolds. Nope, you weren’t part of the 70s if you didn’t have a Farah Fawcett haircut or sport what resembled a big dead animal on your upper lip.

The beginning of the 70s was marked, and indeed, marred, by the drug-induced deaths of rock legends Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, and Jimi Hendrix all within the space of the first year.

which, with its improvement over the years, means that these days much of the action we see in high-budget action films is computer generated and not even shot on traditional film anymore.

Over in the UK, cinema was sticking with the comedy basics.

With their foundations cemented in double entendres, toilet humour, slapstick action and basic smut thee ‘Carry On…’ films reached their height of popularity, and were quickly followed by the ‘Confessions of A ….’ Series (Window Cleaner’, Driving Instructor’ etc) that proved even smuttier than their predecessor while leaving the essence of the humour behind. Then Monty Python made the switch from TV to film, bringing a heavy dose of surrealism with it in ‘The Holy Grail’ (’74) and offending people of all religions in ‘The Life of Brian’ (’79).

Indeed it was TV show ‘Saturday Night Live’ that became the stepping stone for many of cinema’s comedy legends today. Just as the Footlights theatre team from Cambridge University (that spawned the Python’s) made a leap from theatre to TV and then to film, humour mag ‘National Lampoon’, which stared its days at Harvard University as a campus rag, became a stepping stone for its contributors who turned it into a commercial success, making a big leap from a magazine to the movies. ‘National Lampoon’s Animal House’ (’78) found success not only through the magazine but also through SNL star John Belushi and ‘Second City’ writer Harold Ramis. Indeed SNL aligned itself with the Lampoon magazine and provided a platform for its writers to move to the screen.

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3 cinema, having fun in flashy cars in ‘Smokey and the Bandit’ (’77) followed by the sequel in 1980, ‘Hooper’ (’78) and then ‘ Cannonball Run’ (’81). All of his films of this era focused on outsmarting incompetent cops, driving too fast, getting drunk and getting laid.

Many big directors also found their niche in the 70s including Mel Brooks and Woody Allen, who really came into their own

during the era. Mel Brooks defined New York Jewish humour and has been described as a ‘comedy tornado: writing, producing, directing and performing in a never understated manner’. Starting off as a stand up comic, he also wrote and co-wrote numerous shows for TV. In 1960 he hooked up with

“I’m the only Jew who ever made a buck off a Hitler!”

– (Mel Brooks) writer-performer Carl Reiner to record a comedy album, ‘The 2000-Year Old Man’, which put Brooks in the public eye and gave him numerous spots on US talk shows.

All this of course was a run-up to the making of his first film, “The Producers’ (’68), which was a hit and an instant classic, about the making of a musical titled ‘Springtime for Hitler’. It starred Gene Wilder with whom Brooks would go on to make

“If you hold on to things long enough, they get back in to style. Like me.”

– (Burt Reynolds) Rock and roll incited the youth to rebel, to take drugs, to express themselves freely and take control 0of their own destiny, and the movies mirrored these social changes. Before the 70s had even begun ‘Easy Rider’ and ‘The Graduate’ (in the late 60s) were speaking to youth and the youth were listening.

The 70s marked an era where some of the biggest names in America cinema today strode into the limelight and made their mark in the annals of cinematic history. Mel Brookes, Woody Allen, Monty Python, Richard Prior, Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, John Candy, Steve Martin – all of their illustrious careers began in the 70s, making such an impact that, even to this day, they are considered masters of the comedy genre.

The 70s also saw the arrival of the blockbuster, which was to forever change the face of cinema. ‘The Exorcist’ (’73), ‘Jaws’ (’75) and ‘Star Wars’ (’77) brought special effects to the big screen,

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Sex, drugs and rock n roll dominated US cinema in the late 70s, with numerous R rated films (under 17’s required adult supervision) – think Caddyshack’, ‘The Blues Brothers’ and ‘Porky’s).

Burt Reynolds was a mainstay and a sex symbol of the late 70s

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3 numerous movies, including the classic comedy western ‘Blazing Saddles’ (’74) also starring Cleavon Little and horror spoof ‘Young Frankenstein’ (’74) again starring Gene Wlider with Cloris Leachman-another of his favourite actors.

He later parodied his favourite Hitchcock films in ‘High Anxiety’ (’77), set in a Psychoneurotic institute, starring himself alongside Leachman who played a strict nurse with a penchant for S&M. As a producer and the head of Brooksfilms, he was also responsible for such classics as David Lynch’s ‘The Elephant Man’ (’80) and David Cronenberg’s ‘The Fly’ (’86).

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CAPTION COMPETITION

Mel Brooks

One of the few people to win an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy and a Tony. In fact he won three of each.

He and Anne Bancroft met on the set of a TV talk show, and Mel later paid a woman who worked on the show to tell him which restaurant Bancroft was going to eat at that night so he could ‘accidentally’ bump into her again and strike up a conversation.

Has cited his favourite films as ‘The Bicycle Thief’ (1948) and ‘Grand Illusion’ (1937).

Through ‘Blazing Saddles’ and ‘Young Frankenstein’ are often cited as his best and most popular films as a director, his biggest video sales are ‘Spaceballs’ and ‘Robin Hood: Men in Tights’.

His running “walk this way” gag is also the inspiration for the song ‘Walk This Way’ by Aerosmith.

“I cut my finger. That’s tragedy. A man walks into an open sewer and dies. That’s comedy.”

Starting off his career at the age of 15 as a gag writer for the newspapers and comedians, Woody Allen later dropped out of New York University, joining Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner and Neil Simon (among others) to write ‘Your Show of Shows’. Despite having a bad case of stage fright, he soon began performing his own material in nightclubs and on TV, where he honed his skills and eventually found himself in demand as a screenwriter.

The 70s was Allen’s ‘golden era’ where his comedic directing abilities really took hold and he produced some of his funniest work – ‘Bananas’

“I’m not afraid of dying…I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

– (Woody Allen) (’71), ‘Sleeper’ (’73), ‘Everything You always Wanted To Know about Sex but Were Afraid to Ask’ (’74), ‘Love and Death’ (’75), ‘Annie Hall’ (’77) and ‘Manhattan’ (’79). ‘Annie Hall’ showed Allen’s serious side, landed him a string of Oscars and brought him into the mainstream. Making on average a film a year, he created one of the most prolific and strongest bodies of work in American cinema.

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“My movie rises below vulgarity.”

“Oh, I am not a true genius. I’m near genius. I would rather say I am a short genius. I’d rather be tall and normal than a short genius.”

Woody Allen

Among his biggest idols are Ingmar Bergman, Groucho Marx, Federico Fellini, Cole Porter and Anton Chekhov.

He has more than Academy Award nominations (fourteen) for writing than anyone else. All of them are in the Written Directly for the Screen category.

Voted 4th in the Comedy Central’s ‘100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time’.

Does not allow his films to be edited for airlines and television broadcasts.

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

“I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket- weaves. “

OCTOBER CAPTION COMPETITION

WINNER DAMIEN: “No, you smile” MARTIN: “No, you smile” DAMIEN: “No, you smile” MARTIN: “No, you smile” DAMIEN: “No, you smile…………..” – Julie

Best of the rest (no particular order) “I’m feeling board” “Oh, Stick a burger on it!” – Linda Damian says “Hey Martin, why don’t we open a restaurant together?”

Martin replies “We did that already a year ago” Damien replies “Did we! I thought that we just had loads of friends that like to eat and drink with us” – Jacqui

“Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they are flushed down the toilet after I die.”

Damien to Martin “I told you those shreddies work “ Martins reply “ok just stfu and get me some ,,, Oooo hold on I got to go and do one “ – Dee

“If my film makes one more person miserable, I’ll feel I’ve done my job.”

Do you think they noticed that was buffalo and not wagyu?

Nah the marijuana salad starter took care of that! – Su

“How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size? “

MARTIN: You’re like my wife, black does not make you look slimmer....

DAMIEN: and I bet you don’t tell her that - Colin

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FEATURE - HUGH LAURIE

O The Doc’s left the HOUSE and contemplates being a vet

n 17th January 2007 Hugh Laurie picked up a Golden Globe award for ‘Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series Drama’ for his part as Dr Gregory House in Fox TV’s ratings-smashing show, ‘House MD’. In an act of deliberate irony perhaps, the valuable little statuette, a gift from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, was presented to him on the night by fellow English actor, and exile, Ian MacShane. At which point it is easy to imagine two completely different audience reactions. American viewers, who have enjoyed Laurie’s portrayal of the straight-talking, canewielding, badtempered, misanthropic doctor since the programme’s pilot show in late 2004, but were largely oblivious to his existence prior to that, were probably sitting there thinking, “Well bully for you old what’shis- name, Mr Nobody Chappie, whoever you are!”. Or whatever it is Americans think when they see a newcomer to their screens being justly rewarded for his efforts. “Yee-ha!” or “You’re the man!” perhaps.

Whereas in the UK the simultaneous reaction would probably have been, “Blimey, what’s daft old Lieutenant George doing in Hollywood picking up awards for ‘straight’ acting? Is it a satire?”

For an established comic actor like Laurie to be given a part in a gritty, serious(ish) drama like ‘House MD’, let alone win a Golden Globe, is understandably difficult for British audiences to accept. Since his emergence on their screens, way back in the early 1980s, they’ve really only ever seen him play comical upper class English twits. The dappy Prince Regent in ‘Blackadder III’; the gushingly dim tiddly-wink playing Lieutenant George in ‘Blackadder Goes Forth’; PG Woodehouse’s idle rich toff, Bertie Wooster, in “Jeeves and Wooster’, to name but a few.

To then see him turn up on British television screens in an imported American show as the antithesis of his normal persona, must be a bit like seeing your formerly swatty daughter return home from her first year at University with her hair dyed pink, her eyebrows adorned with half a kilo of metal studs and her filthy new mouth snarling about the rampant injustices of corporate fascism.

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3 accent, surrounded as I am by so many ‘real’ Americans, I feel as if I am playing some sort of surreal game of tennis in which everyone else has been given proper racquets, whilst I have to make do with a large dead mackerel.”

A ‘double whammy’ in the deception stakes nevertheless. An accent born of a thoroughly middle class Oxford upbringing, honed at Dragon and Eton (two of England’s most ridiculously posh schools) and polished at Selwyn College Cambridge, does have a tendency to leave one speaking with a bit of a plum in the mouth.

Not that the self-effacing Laurie would ever accept such praise without a fight. Even by English standards he scores highly in the humility stakes; to an American public used to seeing their heroes floating around on clouds of pumped-up self-belief, Laurie’s deference must seem positively suicidal. “Even when I got the role” he explained, “I thought it would just be two enjoyable weeks working on a pilot which would go no further. Blow me if it didn’t get commissioned!”

Despite his theory that the producers must have been “insane for casting me”, his performances have been lauded by an American media, which, since John Cleese’s revealing insight into Anglo-American perspective in the 1988 Film ‘A Fish Called Wanda’ has traditionally been suspicious of Brits pretending to be Americans. One critic described the show as having 3 main qualities: “Hugh Laurie, Hugh Laurie and Hugh Laurie” and another insisted that his performances were nothing short of “a

Which isn’t to assume however that British audiences have reacted badly to Laurie’s success. Most are actually rather proud of him. Success ‘over the pond’ in America, is, after all, still seen as the holy grail for ‘entertainers’ of all disciplines. (With the possible exception of Shakespearian theatre, which everyone knows should only ever be attempted by ‘proper’ English actors.) Anything which smacks of the glory days of Beatlemania is welcomed with the warmest of British handshakes. It’s just that Laurie’s transformation into this noxious but ultimately brilliant diagnostician, as generous with his caustic invective to diseasesuffering patients and he is to his long-suffering CSI-style entourage of munchkin assistants, is, well, rather surprising.

A surprise which is accentuated by the fact that not only has he managed to con his new masters into accepting him in such an unfamiliar, un-comical role, but that he has done so, not in his normal, slightly plummy old-Etonian accent, but in the vocal guise of an American. A popular story doing the rounds is that when House’s American producer, Bryan Singer, first saw Laurie’s audition tape, he held him up as “a shining example of a compelling American actor”. Whilst Laurie is quick to downplay his skills as a mimic, “All the time I am using my new American

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3 Branagh, Ben Elton and Rowan Atkinson.

His first big break came in 1981 when the Footlights team performed an extended sketch called ‘The Cellar Tapes’, which Laurie had co-written with Steven Fry, at the Edinburgh Fringe and walked away with that year’s ‘Pick of the Fringe’ award. An award which enabled them to tour the UK and Australia and eventually led to an invitation to create a similar ‘sketch’ style show for Granada Television. The result was ‘Alfresco’, aired in 1983. However, considering the depth of writing and acting talent available, the show proved a disappointment. One critic retrospectively concluded that with so many of the show’s writers concurrently developing their own projects (‘The Young Ones’, ‘Black Adder’, ‘A Bit of Fry and Laurie’) “Alfresco ended up with everyone’s leftover jokes instead of their prime material.”

Fortunately there were enough highlights for all those shows to reach production and in 1985 Laurie and Fry started work on ‘A Bit of Fry and Laurie’ for the BBC. A show that would run for 9 highly successful years and establish both performers as intellectual heavyweights in the new breed of ‘alternative’ comedians. A status which was reinforced for both actors by their collaboration with Ben Elton and Rowan Atkinson on the incomparably brilliant ‘Blackadder’ series.

Without much knocking at all, television’s prime time comedy door had well and truly opened for Laurie. For which he of course remains permanently apologetic. If it wasn’t entirely genuine, Laurie’s immense professional insecurity would border on annoying, but as Emma Thompson once said of him, “His extreme deprecation is his only really annoying habit. He is surrounded by people who love him passionately and have spent a good part of their adult lives saying, “Hugh, you’re marvelous.”

He, of course, would say ‘yes’ to being infuriating and ‘no’ to being marvelous.

weekly lesson in acting”.

Not that Laurie is without his faults. Ever since his schooldays High praise indeed and even if Laurie chooses to turn a blind he has suffered from a mild form of depression, or ‘heavyweight ear to it, he will surely find it harder to ignore the $400,000 pay unhappiness’ as he prefers to call it. “I remember the moment cheques he will purportedly receive for each of the 84 episodes in the second, third, fourth and fifty series. A generosity on Fox’s I first realized I had a problem” he once said, “I was taking part part which stems from the $600,000/minute price tag they have in an extremely fast, extremely dangerous stock-car race, when it suddenly occurred to me that I was bored. I couldn’t bring recently announced for interval advertising time. myself to love or hate what I was doing…there was no feeling That such fantastic sums have emanated from an audition tape cobbled together in a Namibian bathroom during filming of the at all.” Unlike his pill-popping character in ‘House MD’ (a mysterious illness earlier in the character’s life – apparently the result of 2004 remake of “Flight of the Phoenix” (“it was the only place another doctor’s misdiagnosis - has with half enough light”) is even left him with a permanently gammy more ironic. Laurie being insistent “Laurie’s transformation into this noxious but leg, the pain of which he subdues that such a method has almost ultimately brilliant diagnostician, as generous with a constant diet of the powernever worked for him in the past. with his caustic invective to disease-suffering ful painkiller ‘Vicodin’) Laurie has “I’ve done hundreds of audipatients as he is to his long-suffering CSI-style always refused to take any form of tions and I’m hopeless at them. medication to alleviate the sympIn twenty years I’ve only ever got entourage of munchkin assistants, is, well, toms of his condition, which he this role and a part in a Polaroid rather surprising” admits have occasionally left him commercial by auditioning. Everycontemplating suicide. “Frankly I was a pain to have around. I thing else has been handed to me on a plate by my friends.” was miserable, self-absorbed and selfish, and I knew it.” Partly as a result of his success in America and the focus he has garnered Not that Laurie’s friends are like most peoples’. As an integral from long enforced separations from his wife and the three chilmember of the famous ‘Footlights’ acting troupe at Cambridge dren he adores, Laurie has recently stopped seeing his analyst.

University from 1978 to 1981, he became firm friends with “I diagnosed myself as being depressed and decided I would try fellow comedy enthusiasts Emma Thompson, Steven Fry and Tony Slattery and through them, was soon writing and perform- to sort it out.”

His personal life has too has been the occasional cause of ing in minor venues with the likes of Robbie Coltrane, Kenneth

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controversy. In 1997 the British tabloids caught him out in the an impossible thought when you consider that he co-wrote ten midst of an extra-marital affair with the director Audrey Cooke years’ worth of material with Steven Fry during their partnerwhen he was filming ‘The Place of Lions’ in Australia: “Hugh in ship and in 2002 penned a best-selling novel, ‘The Gun Seller’.

Love Tug over Blonde”. He claims that after the affair ended, A thought apparently seconded by respected television critic his wife Jo, who he has been married to since 1989, had the Tom Carson, who wrote: “Intellectual desperadoes like House strength to forgive him and they were able to gradually rebuild usually come off closer to Eeyore than Iago because most TV their relationship from scratch. Being the man he is though, his writers just don’t have the high-flying gifts to fake the invective guilt is immense. “It was all my fault. And I was shocked by what of an over-educated crank without trepidation about wounding happened. The pain. Everyone’s pain. I’m nervous of saying, in people’s feelings.” a facile way, that it has changed “All the time I am using my new American me. I can’t just say, “Oh I’m fine A level of invective which contrasts now” - that sounds like a man sharply with the holistically compasaccent, surrounded as I am by so many ‘real’ who’s about to start drinking Americans, I feel as if I am playing some sort of sionate, quasiecclesiastical demeanagain.” Judging by the look of or of more traditional owners of the surreal game of tennis in which everyone else pure admiration on his wife’s ‘prime time doctor’ tag on American has been given proper racquets, whilst I have to television: Dr Kildare in the 60s; Marface when Laurie made a point make do with a large dead mackerel.” of publicly thanking her at the cus Whelby MD in the 70s; Dr Jack Golden Globes awards ceremony Morse (‘St Elsewhere’) in the 80s; and for her love and support, their marriage seems to have strength- George Clooney’s Dr Doug Ross in ‘ER’ in the 90s and early 00s. ened considerably since the affair.

Possible prior exceptions being the wisecracking field surgeons in MASH (although they were given some extreme extenuatA strength that it might well need as Laurie comes to terms with ing circumstances to explain their off-beat behaviour) and more recently perhaps, Ted Danson’s performance in ‘Becker’ in a brand new phenomenon in his life: his new found status as a which he plays an urbane community doctor hiding his idealsex symbol. “An absolutely ridiculous thought. I’m a comedian at heart and therefore, by definition completely unsexy. I’ve ism behind a barrage of verbal insults. (But even then, Danson never understood this concept of being able to laugh a woman is so tainted by decades of ‘Cheers’ that he’s far from convincing playing a bastard with a heart of gold – he’s far more believable into bed. I’ve always assumed that jokes happen instead of sex. the other way round.)

I have never found sex funny. People talk about the need for laughter in bed but if there was ever any laughter in my bed, I With Laurie’s portrayal of House on the other hand, his hatred would think something had gone disastrously wrong.”

Others disagree. Emma Thompson, who he dated during his for his patients is totally convincing. They are simply the vefirst year at Cambridge, once said of him, “‘He is one of those hicles in which the lethal viruses and micro-bugs that fascinate rare people who manages to be lugubriously sexy, like a wellhim so much, are taking temporary refuge. “I’m not too busy hung eel”. And his co-star in the 2000 film ‘Maybe Baby’, Joely to treat him” he sneers to a co-worker in one episode, “I’m just Richardson, concurred: “Hugh is mysterious, and very beautiful”. not sure I want him to live.” Whilst House’s brutal style is new to But Laurie’s beauty alone is not enough to account for his American audiences, viewers in his homeland might be rephenomenal success with ‘House MD’, which pulled in 20 million minded of a similar character made popular by the actor James viewers an episode. The rich subplot of dark humour is one pos- Robertson Justice in a series of British ‘Doctor’ films in the 1960s: sible explanation.

Most viewers agree that the irreverent banter between the doctors and patients is one of the show’s principle attractions. “That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality” one of House’s colleagues dares to point out. “Thank you,” he replies. “It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.” House’s lines are so wonderfully sharp at times that some pundits have likened their style to that adopted by Rowan Atkinson’s central character in ‘Blackadder’. Indeed, some have gone so far as so suggest that they are so ‘English’ in their deadpan, sarcastic tone, and, despite the American accent, delivered with such ‘English’ toxicity, that they might well have been written by Laurie himself. Not

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3 the booming, ribald Chief Surgeon and all round scary man, Sir Lancelot Spratt. Trailed by a petrified mob of student doctors he would march around the hospital wards dishing out insults to staff and patients alike. His diagnoses were made with the minimum of inspection, and like House, he was always right. Fifty years ago men in authority bellowed insults. These days they sigh them with sarcastic irony.

Laurie’s thoughts about his work…”I keep thinking that I’m playing around, that I’m finding my feet and getting ready to pick and commit to a career. Then truth is I‘ve been doing this for 30 years. I lie to myself that I don’t take it seriously, when I actually do. I don’t think that I lie to other people. It’s only to myself that I’m going, ‘Oh well, I’ll give it another 6 months; if it doesn’t work out, I’ll become a vet.’ But this is my job. I’ve got to face that one day.’ Poor lamb. But face it he did, House ended in a blaze of glory and a new soulful Laurie emerged. Singing and piano playing his way through some Blues greats, and now with two albums to his credit – ‘Let Then Talk’ and ‘Didn’t It Rain’. Not bad for a boy from over the water.

Trivia

As an oarsman he came 4th in the coxed pairs in the 1977 Junior World Championships. He competed in the ‘Oxford v Cambridge’ boat race on the River Thames. His team lost by just over a meter, a defeat he admits he still hasn’t come to terms with. His father was also a gifted oarsman and won a gold medal at the 1948 London Olympics as part of the British national team.

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

Film career highlights:

TV career highlights:

The Oranges (2012) Monsters vs Aliens (2009) Stephen Fry: 50 Not Out (2007) Inside The Actors Studio (2006) The Big Empty (2005) Stuart Little 3: Call of the Wild (2005) V aliant (2005) Flight of the Phoenix (2004) Stuart Little 2 (2002) The Piano Tuner (2001) Maybe Baby (2000) Stuart Little (1999) The Man in the Iron Mask (1998) Spice World (1997) The Borrowers (1997) The Ugly Duckling (1997) 101 Dalmatians (1996) Sense and Sensibility (1995) Peter’s Friends (1992) Strapless (1989) Plenty (1985)

House, M.D. (2004 - 12) The Simpsons (2010) Blackadder Rides Again (2008) The Young Visitors (2003) Fortysomething (2003) Preston Pig (2000) Blackadder Back & Forth (1999) The Place of Lions (1997) Tracey Takes On (1996) The Adventures of Mole (1995) All or Nothing at All (1993) Jeeves and Wooster (1990) Blackadder Goes Forth (1989) B lackadder: The Cavalier Years (1988) Blackadder’s Christmas Carol (1988) Blackadder the Third (1987) The Laughing Prisoner (1987) A bit of Fry and Laurie (198695) Mrs. Capper’s Birthday (1985) Alfresco (1983) Cambridge Footlights Revue (1982)

Laurie is also a musician of note, invariably performing as a keyboardist with the rock band ‘Poor White Trash’.

Hugh Laurie’s father was a doctor in real life. Laurie has said that he feels guilty for getting paid more for pretending to be a doctor than his father did for being one.

Outside acting he has two main passions: riding his motorbike (a Triumph Bonneville remake - “My dad gave me my first bike at 16.

I soon fell off and was in a wheelchair for weeks. I haven’t fallen since.”) and boxing (he spars several times a week). The replica of the cane bought by Hugh Laurie in London to use in the pilot show was sold for $8,300 at an online auction.

The original cane was accidentally broken when he left it under a hydraulic door. He hates seeing himself on the screen and can only talk about his performances in terms of their scripts. He has recently adapted his 1996 suspense novel ‘The Gun Seller’ into a screenplay which is now scheduled to be produced by Russell Smith and John Malkovich’s production company, Mr. Mudd, for United Artists. Laurie was signed up to play Perry White in Bryan Singer’s movie Superman Returns, but was forced to bow out due to his previous commitment to ‘House MD’. His favourite American television shows are ‘Arrested Development’ and ‘American Chopper’ Parallels have been drawn between House and the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. A theory supported by his relationship with long-suffering colleague Dr Wilson, the choice of the surname ‘House’ (Holmes/Homes?) and the revelation in one episode that his home street number is 221B (Holmes lived at 221B Baker Street). The writers have so far refused to confirm this theory.

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IT’S A MAD, MAD WORLD Covering up the cracks

Attack of the killer squirrel

What was perceived as just a harmless little squirrel, turned into a savage killer with big pointy teeth one afternoon in the once quiet town of Passau, Bavaria. Following the rampage, during which it attacked a 70-year-old woman and a 33-year-old builder, it was hit with a walking frame wielded by 72-year-old pacifist Guenther Mittelbaum, who knocked it to the ground and squashed it. He said: “It was biting and scratching and was almost impossible to fight off. I got in a lucky blow though and then saw my chance and crushed it to death.” Tests revealed that the squirrel did not have rabies, it had just been watching too much Monty Python.

What Is Politics?

Houseisms House: (breezing into a busy waiting room, where, against his better judgement, he has been sent by the hospital administrators to help out with ‘routine’ examinations) “But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It’s mine! You can’t have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?” (Nobody moves.)

(House is popping pills) Patient: “What’s that? What are you taking?” House: “Painkillers.” Patient: “Oh, for your... for your leg?”

House: “No, ‘cause they’re yummy! Want one?”

Female colleague (trying to tell an uninterested House a patient’s history): “You’re reading a comic book.” House: “And you’re drawing attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. (she covers her chest with her clipboard) House: “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought we were having a “state-the-obvious” contest. I’m competitive by nature.” House (to one of his munchkin assistants): “I suppose “minimally at best” is your stiff upper lip British way of saying “No chance in hell”? Assistant: “Actually, I’m Australian.”

House: “You put the Queen on your money. You’re British.”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,” So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.”

Wearing your pants sagging around your butt will get you arrested in the town of Delcambre, Louisiana.

Mayor Carol Broussard has promised fines of US$500 for exposure of private parts, and up to six months in jail. Town attorney Ted Ayo said the law adds underwear to the list of what must not be revealed under state indecent exposure laws. “This is a new ordinance that deals specifically with sagging pants,” Mr Ayo said. “It’s about showing off your underwear in public.” Some residents say the new law targets blacks, as low-slung trousers are fashionable among hip hop fans. But Mr Broussard denied it was racially motivated: “White people wear sagging pants, too,” he said.

Web rage

A US man allegedly shot his wife’s computer after he caught her chatting to other men on MySpace. Jason Griffith, 23, of Scranton, Pennsylvania, was arrested on charges including reckless endangerment, terrorist threats and harassment. Police allege he fired a single .40-calibre bullet into his wife’s computer tower after a 2am argument in their bedroom, reports the Times Tribune. After returning home in the early hours, Mr Griffith allegedly became angry that his wife was chatting with men on MySpace. Police say he dragged her upstairs, shot the computer and fired another bullet into the floor. Nobody was injured in the incident.

Man ‘baffled’ after girlfriend severs his penis

A woman in a remote Indonesian island village cut off her boyfriend’s penis in an apparent jealous rage, Indonesian police said Friday. “The incident was based on jealousy because the victim was allegedly cheating,” said Commissioner Marthen Radja, regional police spokesman for Timor Island. The woman, Erlin Mafefa, 22, had been arrested and was being held near the village, he said, adding it was still not clear what she had done with the severed penis. “What we know of what happened was they were playing around then suddenly the woman got angry and cut the victim’s penis off and ran away with it,” he said. Due to the remoteness of the village, the victim, 23-year-old Markus Hunbani, only reached the regional hospital in Kupang on Thursday, four days after the incident. He was said to be “well, but baffled”.

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

SPORTY SQUEALER

SEAMAN IN A BAR

“What about you, Bob, you love having a go at a big hooker.” Sky Sports commentator to Bob Willis.

“He’s just four or five wickets away from...a huge number of wickets.”

(Craig Marais (SABC commentator) on Shaun Pollock’s wicket tally during the third ODI against South Africa.)

“Rain in a minute, it’s gonna rain in a minute.”

(The Barmy Army during and after England’s defeat to Australia in the first Ashes Test.)

“You’ve got the whole world, in your team.” (Australian fans to the Barmy Army.)

“I would not like to see a foreigner come in.” Mike Catt on the appointment of Andy Robinson’s succssor. That’s Mike “I was born in Port Elizabeth, South Africa” Catt.

“Wales made the mistake of trying to play rugby.” (Jeremy Guscott’s comment at half-time as Wales trailed the All Blacks 28-3.)

“If they gave out medals for Losers, Jamie Peacock would be first in the queue!” (Eddie Hemmings after Great Britain lost the final Tri Nations Test to Australia.)

“I pinned the poem, ‘If’, by Rudyard Kipling, up in the dressing room, but I don’t think any of the players could make head or tail of it. I left it up for an hour but took it down before it got defaced.” (Luton manager Mike Newell thanks Kipling for ending his side’s run of seven successive defeats with victory over leaders Preston.)

“I didn’t know what it was. I thought it might be an angry letter from a fan so I kept well away from it.” (Striker Rowan Vine gives his verdict on the prose.)

“Quite simply, it is true that I can be a pig! It is not a lie to say that. Sometimes, I feel that I am in the right even when I am wrong.” (Henry admits to L’equipe he can be a “cochon” sometimes.)

“I’ve got to choose my words carefully but I thought the supporters let us down badly today.

We needed them for the full 90 minutes today and we didn’t get that. And, for me, that’s a disgrace.” (Norwich manager Peter Grant chooses his words carefully after Hull grabbed a last-gasp equaliser at Carrow Road. What on earth would he be like if he really said what he thought?)

Paul Merson: “He looks like a fish up a tree.”

Presenter: “What does that look like?”

Merson: “Out of his depth.”

“I needed a whizz, mate!” (Plymouth boss Ian Holloway after being asked why he left the Plymouth-Luton match with a couple of minutes to go.)

“You can’t get through the game without bookings, unless you don’t book anyone at all.” (John Hollins on Sky Sports News, commenting on Man Utd v Chelsea.)

“You’re just a s**t Kevin Nolan” (Bolton fans to Chelsea’s Frank Lampard.)

“Lasagne, whoah! Lasagne whoah! We laughed ourselves to bits, When Tottenham had the s****!” (Arsenal fans.)

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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you though; I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

DOCTOR, DOCTOR

“I haven’t read it and I haven’t seen the pictures....but it’s a fantastic book”. (Sven-Goran Eriksson interviewed on local sports radio Dubai Eye talking about the new ManYoo Opus being heavily marketed in Dubai.)

“Ballack is having a nightmare. They’ll be changing his name soon.” (Chris Waddle, Radio 5 Live, Man United v Chelsea.)

FUNNIES

DIETING BLONDE

“I certainly knew the gaffer didn’t write it!” (Luton captain Steve Robinson on the poem.)

“He’s been in a different class in training and on the pitch. He’s a lovely guy and if I had a daughter, I’d let him marry her. But I haven’t got a daughter and he’s already married, so there you go.” (Terry Butchabout Sydney FC midfielder Robbie Middleby.)

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So how did you end up with a pegleg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook?” “Well, “replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch?”

“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well said the pirate, “it was first day with my hook”.

er

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home’,” “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“Well…It’s not unusual…………..”

BELIEVE IT

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.

“It’s true, straight up, no bull!”

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

HEALTHY HAPPENINGS 1. Twirling Spaghetti Fork

2. French Fry Holder 3. Pita Bread Toaster

4. Floats in a bottle

5. Widgets in the Guinness

6. Sour Flush Candy Toilets 44

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

HEALTHY HAPPENINGS 7. The Pizza Cone

8. Digital Coffee Mug

9.Motorized Ice Cream cone “The funky café with a twist!”

10. Automatic Burgers

A full café menu, accompanied with high class cuisine…The English style Fish & Chips will blow your mind! The A La Carte menu will delight your senses and there is plenty to choose from the Fine Wines, Beers and Champagne on offer, there is most definitely something for everyone at The Red Brick Café.

Fully air-conditioned restaurant, with a Kiddies Corner with entertainment for the younger ones…giving parents a chance to enjoy themselves and relax a little. Fast WIFI and Flat screen TV’s.

You can find us in the Boonjumnong Apartment complex (also home to Wine Connection and The Irish Times), adjacent to Tesco Lotus Chaweng.

We look forward to seeing you soon!

11. Butter Stick 12. Scanner Toaster 46

Tel: 077 484 980 Email: redbrickcafe@hotmail.com

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

JUST THOUGHTS

JUST THOUGHTS However, I have obviously never had the displeasure of hearing myself in full flight, although I did try to record myself one night. Unfortunately though the experiment proved inconclusive. When I played back the tape in the morning all I could hear was the noise of a gang of council workmen with pneumatic drills digging up the road outside my bedroom window.

Quite why they chose to do that in the middle of the night I will never know. However, I understand from my victims that mine is a skill that would have Thor himself reaching for his autograph book.

I have long since given up apologizing for my sins, yet I still find it strangely difficult to rid myself of the guilt. I know there are far less palatable social misdemeanors to worry about. I don’t break wind in public elevators; I don’t sit in my car during rush hour with my finger deep up my nostril deluding myself that I have somehow become invisible. And I would certainly never put a buttery knife into a jar of marmalade. But none of these crimes – all of which require malice aforethought, are as poorly received as snoring.

I think my fellow snorers will know what I mean by the ‘morning-after look’. This is what our victims give us when we have had the audacity to unwittingly deprive them of their beauty sleep. It is the same look that people use on late night revelers at a campsite, but with none of the envy.

EYES WIDE SHUT

By Joe Swain

A shocking tale of broken friendships, flying shoes, buttered knives and innocent young Swedes.

It is six o’clock in the evening and I am happily ensconced on the night train from Bangalore to Mumbai in Southern India. There is a warmth in the carriage that emanates from the glowing smiles of the people around me. Westerners don’t often travel overnight I the second- class carriages and my presence seems to have provided the locals with a welcome distraction from the rigours of their journey.

I have spent the last hour alternating between a game of peek-a-boo with two giggling three- year- old girls and fielding various polite questions from the grown up quarter of their large family about my marital status. I sup-

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pose this could be described as one of those Lonely Planet moments.

Which makes it all the more of a shame that by the time we reach our destination at 6.45 tomorrow morning these very same people, the three-year-olds included, will be collectively despising me. For at some point in the early hours, when the carriage is swaddled in the silence of sleep, I will lose my fight to stay awake, my chin will buckle to my neck and the dormant monster within me will be unleashed upon these innocents. The hideous evil of which I speak, is, of course, my snoring.

I remember one particular low point many years ago at a backpackers’ hostel in Australia. For some reason I had arrived late and the only available bed was in the dreaded dormitory. Bearing in mind my special nocturnal abilities, I would normally have avoided the prospect of communal sleeping as quickly as a vampire would pass up the chance to snog a Frenchman. But, tired as I was, I kidded myself that maybe just this once, I would sleep quietly.

jectile tactic before and by the time I clambered gingerly down from my top-bunk next morning, I had resigned myself to yet another embarrassing session of muttered threats and sheepish apologies.

The mob of survivors had already gone into Frankenstein mode and were pacing up and down the dormitory trying to put together a posse. At first I thought it a little strange that they were including me in these conspiratorial whisperings. Until that is I noticed several shoes scattered on the floor around the bunk below me – where hapless youth lay asleep.

While I suppose it is possible that in the shape of this dormant Swedish boy I had stumbled upon a night-time log sawer even louder than myself, I suspect to this day it was far more likely a combination of poor acoustic, sloppy throwing arms and the way I pitched in with,”Yes, yes.

Don’t you see? It must be him. Look at all the shoes!” As the mob began to dance zombie-like around the room sharpening their toothbrushes, I lobbed in a final: “Act quickly my friends- today he devours your sleep – tomorrow he will eat your sheep!” Before slipping unnoticed from the throng to my car and away.

I have been racked with guilt by this act of cowardice ever since and to this day I still can’t shop at Ikea without bursting into tears and wondering what happened to poor old Lars Bohensen – or whatever his name was. In fact, sometimes, the very thought of the poor boy strapped to the bunk bed being pelted with empty cans of Fosters in enough to give me a sleepless night – and there is nothing worse than that, or so I am told.

I should have known better. I awoke with a jolt in the middle of the night when a fast- travelling shoe collided with the side of my head. I’d been on the end of this pro-

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

THE DAILY SPOON

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

TEENAGER WEDS MOBILE PHONE IN REGISTRY OFFICE CEREMONY “Caroline Dixon, a 16 yr old school pupil from Chorley, Manchester, married her mobile phone last week at a private registry office ceremony. Under new marriage licensing laws issued by the Government, anyone above the age of 12 can now marry their mobile phone if they want to.

The ceremony was attended by Dixon’s close family and the service was blessed by Mike Arnold, a representative from Nokia.

Speaking after the service, Mr Arnold commented that h believed that the marriage “would be the first of many ceremonies to take place across the country”. Rival companies such as Vodaphone and Orange have received thousands of marriage requests since the news broke.

Arnold continued; “Teenagers love their mobile phones and take pleasure from using them constantly on public transport, during school lessons, whilst on the toilet and some even have their ear pieces connected to their ears, whilst they are sleeping. Marriage is such a natural progression and means that kids of today can spend the rest of their lives together with their beloved phones”.

During the service, Dixon was dressed in a fetching pink and cream bridal gown which featured heavy sponsorship from Nokia on the reverse of the dress. The traditional wedding theme of “Here Comes The Bride” was replaced by a melody of classic Nokia ring tones played by organist Reginald Brampton.

“I feel like the luckiest girl alive,” grinned Dixon, shortly before jetting off to Florida with her new lover, Nicholas Nokia, “It was like a case of love at first sight when I first saw Nicholas in the shop window”.

Her new husband remained silent throughout the service but bleeping afterwards commented “I love Caroline, she pushes all the right buttons for me.”

HUNDREDS OF CONFUSED TOURISTS ATTEND FRIDGE FESTIVAL IN EDINBURGH Comedy fans from as far away as North Korea and New Zealand turned up in Edinburgh for the annual comedy fringe festival only to be misdirected to an annual fridge festival in the same city.

“It was cool,” said Brian Cassidy from Wisconsin. “I’d heard it was alternative but I didn’t realize it would be quite this different. When that guy did that bit with the ice compartment, I was like wow, this is so surreal.”

Whilst the real fringe festival half a mile down the road was won by Rob Auton, it was Zanussi deep freeze demonstrator Gary McBright who took the honours at booth 37 of the fridge festival with his impromptu rendition of Tom Jones’s classic song ‘Delilah’. “The Koreans in particular seemed to like it,” said Mc Bright. “Especially the hip swiveling bit at the end.”

NEW REAL: LIFE DISNEY MOVIE ALMOST AS GOOD AS ANIMATION The soon-to-be-released Walt Disney film “Nemo Does Dallas,” which features real actors and actual scenery, is so lifelike that it’s almost as good as animation, says critics and movie goers.

“I knew, intellectually, that there wasn’t a single bit of animation in the movie, but the way the characters behaved, it was so genuine you’d have thought they were digitally produced,” said critic Kyra Warkle, who caught a special sneak preview Thursday night.

Warkel added that the film was destined to become an unanimated classic, high praise which visibly humbled Director Tim Hill.

“If we can get people to suspend their disbelief, to think of the actors as real animated characters portraying flesh and blood people, and not just flesh and blood people awkwardly trying to come off as flesh and blood people, then we’ve done our job, ”Hill said. “My hope is that one day, you won’t be able to tell the difference.”

The movie, due to be released in the New Year, stars pretentious young actor Justin Bieber as a grown up version of clown fish Nemo who last appeared on our screens in animated Nemo and child actor Justin Bieber form. Bieber said that the key for him was letting go of his unconvincing corporeality. difficult to tell apart.

“I tried to get into the heads of the animators that would have created my character and think they would have had me think, move like they would have had me move,” he said, “It was like I was literally drawing myself right into celluloid.”

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