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KOH SAMUI’S DEFINITIVE TOILET READ

MAGAZINE

SQUEALER

THE

ISSUE 8 / APRIL 2014

ALL WORK

AND

NO PLAY

MAKES JACK

A DULL BOY


INSIDE 05

WELCOME

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FANCY GETTING HOT AND WET IN THAILAND

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SQUEALER FUNNIES

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BILLY CONNOLLY

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SAMUI HOLIDAY

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JACK NICHOLSON

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IT’S A MAD, MAD, WORLD

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JOHN INMAN

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SQUEALER FEATURE

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Still ‘windswept and interesting’ after all these years All you need to know about a island getaway

As comfortable with a gag…as he is with a gag Yes, it is!

I’m free

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We kid you not

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“The funky café with a twist!” A full café menu, accompanied with high class cuisine…The English style Fish & Chips will blow your mind! The A La Carte menu will delight your senses and there is plenty to choose from the Fine Wines, Beers and Champagne on offer, there is most definitely something for everyone at The Red Brick Café. Fully air-conditioned restaurant, with a Kiddies Corner with entertainment for the younger ones…giving parents a chance to enjoy themselves and relax a little. Fast WIFI and Flat screen TV’s. You can find us in the Boonjumnong Apartment complex (also home to Wine Connection and The Irish Times), adjacent to Tesco Lotus Chaweng. We look forward to seeing you soon!

Tel: 077 484 980 Email: redbrickcafe@hotmail.com


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SQUEALER magazine

Editor Lorraine Clark Design and Web ets.io

Advertising advertising@squealermagazine.com Newsdesk newsdesk@squealermagazine.com

editors drivel Dear readers, Somebody once said that if you were to take an infinite number of monkeys and sit them in front of an infinite number of typewriters, one day one of them would write the entire works of Shakespeare. And that somewhere along the way, one of them would come up with: ‘To be or not to be, this is the qiwjbrofgiyuebwq.” But this is the real world. We all know that what those monkeys are really doing is sending me junk mail. Not that it really bothers me, it only takes a few seconds to delete them all and I get to tick something off on my To Do’ list. In the olden days though, dealing with junk mail was far more time consuming and way more fun. Back then the monkeys sent out forest loads of ‘real’ brochures and letters to random lists of strangers. T he companies whose goods and services were being advertised referred to this as ‘direct marketing’, whilst those on the receiving end generally used the term ‘crap’. Whilst personally I was rarely interested in their exciting offers, I quite reasonably assumed that they might well be interested in each other’s. So using the reply envelopes they kindly provided with their various missives, I randomly shoved them all full of whatever came to hand. Reader’s Digest winnings to double glazing suppliers, life insurance deals to British Telecom, that sort of thing. Marketing cross-fertilisation I liked to call it. But the real beauty of the scheme of course, was that as soon as you used those pre-franked reply envelopes, the receiving company was charged the postage. A major boost for the economy surely? Apparently some of the monkeys, bored of being paid peanuts, have now moved into the cut-throat world of tele-marketing. “Good afternoon sir, can I possibly interest you in a qiwjbrofgiyuebwq?” Some of their human colleagues though can get through a whole half hour script without a single lasifjbvpiu. For these types, should they ever make it to Singapore, I can recommend two forms of defence. After they’ve started, interrupt them, apologise profusely and explain that whilst you’re really interested in buying loads of whatever crap it is they’re selling, could they give you their home number, so you can call them back for a chat later in the evening. Or in the middle of the night. If this fails, simply sprinkle a little crushed velvet over your vocal chords. lick your lips and whisper, “Hi. Are you wearing silk?” Stopped me in my tracks I can tell you. Qwklejpfviqwjbvc!

Questions and Contact: Email: info@squealermagazine.com Web: www.squealermagazine.com

Thanks!

Lorraine Clark editor

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LETTERS

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

Dear Squealer,

No doubt a few of your readers will have heard about this famous cat accident but for those that haven’t -it’s brilliant. “My sister in law is from Thailand but now lives in Chicago, because of her accent she is often misunderstood. Anyway, she has a cat and took him to the groomers to get what is called a Line Cut. This is when the fur hanging down from the eat’s tummy is trimmed to stop it from getting tangled. On this occasion the groomer misheard “LINE CUT” for “LION CUT”. Petrol in the car to The Groomers $4.50 Grooming Fee $80.00 One Cat Jumper $39.00 Getting the look from one seriously pissed off cat. ... priceless! Yours still laughing about it, Jo

Dear Squealer,

Re: NAUGHTY GOOGLE If you go to www.google.com type in the search box ‘French military victories’ and then click the ‘I’m feeling lucky’ button, guess what happens? You get an official Google message that says: ‘Did you mean: French military defeats? No standard web pages containing all your search items were found. Your search - French military victories - did not match any documents.’ Cheeky monkeys! Sam

Dear Squealer,

A marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a ‘Dear John’ letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, sinceyou’ve been gone and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love Becky The marine , with hurt feelings, asked his fellow marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his friends. There were 57 photos in that envelope ... along with this note: Dear Becky, I’m sorry but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Ricky

You lot at Squealer,

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found my inner peace. The article read,” The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things that you’ve started.” So before coming to work this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey’s, Kahlua and Tia Maria, my Prozac, some valium, my cigarettes, a box of chocolates and some cheese. You have no idea how “freakin” good I feel! Shelley

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THAILAND ‘SONGKRAN’ WATER FESTIVAL Songkran is the Thai traditional New Year which happens on April 13 every year…. prepare yourself for a soaking!

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THAILAND ‘SONGKRAN’ WATER FESTIVAL

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FUNNIES

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

HIDING

Two church deacons were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by, slowing down to take a good long look at their cars parked outside. One deacon ducked down and said, “I hope the reverend didn’t see us or recognise my car.” The other replied, “What difference does it make? God knows we’re in here . . . and He’s the only one who counts. “ “Yeah, but God won’t tell my wife.”

HAVE A GUESS

Eighty-eight year old Mabel walked into the recreational room of an old people’s home. Holding her clenched fist

RUDE PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my unforgivable behaviour.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

in the air, she proclaimed,.”Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight,” A disinterested old man called out, “An elephant.” Mabel thought about it for a minute and said, “Near enough.”

SNORING ......

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring. “Yeah right!” says the wife, and takes the dog home. A few minutes after going to bed that night, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband

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FUNNIES

returns home drunk from being out with his friends. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman then falls asleep. A few hours later, the husband wakes and in a drunken stupor stumbles into the bath room. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his balls. Totally confused, he walks back into the bedroom and sees the dog’s red ribbon. He shakes his head, looks at the dog and says, “I don’t know where we were, Max, or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!”

handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.” - Rodney Dangerfield.

THE POWER OF PRAYER

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick. Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, “WAIT. .. REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND NEW BALL.” He complied excitedly; convinced the Lord was telling him that he was finally going to achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, “WAIT...STEP BACK ... TAKE A P RACTICE SWING.” So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out again, “LET ME SEE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING.” He swung again. Silence followed. Then the voice spoke out again. “PUT THE OLD BALL BACK.”

THE WITNESS

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport and while en route to his home he asked the driver if he would be a witness. He suspected his wife was having an affair and wanted to catch her in the act. On arriving at his house they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to the man’s head, and the wife shouted, “Don’t do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!” The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, “What would you do in a case like this?” The cabbie smiled, and said, “I’d cover him up before he catches a cold.”

QUOTE

“It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the

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NOT A PRETTY FACE

A young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?” “I’m sure I can,” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over there and lie face down on that couch.”


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FUNNIES

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

A stranger rushed into a bar and ordered a double whiskey. “Tell me, “ he asked the bartender agitatedly, “How high does a penguin grow?” “Oh, about so high,” replied the bartender placing his hand about two feet from the floor. “Are you sure?” asked the stranger. “Positive,” said the bartender. “Dam, I guess I just ran over a nun “

WHITE OR BLACK

Judi and Monika were chatting over coffee. Judi said, “I’ve been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I’m fine when I drink it black, but if I put cream or sugar or both in it, I get this horrible stabbing pain in one eye.” With that, she took a drink of her coffee. “OWWW! Damn! See! There it goes again,” she said. Monika said, “Judi, take the spoon out of the cup.”

IN-FLIGHT CHAT

Two strangers are sitting nex to each other on a plane. One guy says to the other, “Let’s talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. “The other guy, who had just opened a good book closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?” The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about nuclear power?” The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me first ask you a question. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same food, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow. big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?” The first guy says, “I don’t know. “ The other guy says, “In which case do you really think you’re qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh*t?”

STARTLED TAXI DRIVER

A passenger in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.” The taxi driver said, “It’s not your fault sir, it’s mine. You see, it’s my first day as a cab driver. I drove a hearse for 25 years.”

MIND READER

One day a young man was visiting the fair, over to one side was a small tent, with a sign that said ‘For 50 dollars I’ll teach you to be a mind reader! Apply within.’ So the young man thought that he would give it a go, and went

inside. Behind a small table inside was an old man, who looked up when the young man entered and says, “Ah. you must be here for the mind reading lessons.” “Well, yes” the young man said. “Well, follow me, and I’ll give you your first lesson.” Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and walks over to a hose, which he picks up one end of. “Here, hold this hose.” “Why?” said the young man. “It’s part of the lesson,” replies the old man, “Now, look in the end and tell me what you see.” So the young man looks into the end of the hose, and only sees darkness. “I don’t see anything,” he tells the old man. Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots water into the young mans face, “I had a feeling you’d do something like that!” the young man shouts at the old man. “You are now a mind reader!” the old man replies, “That’ll be 50 dollars.” TRUST IN THE LORD A man was out walking when he fell over the edge of a cliff. As he hurtled towards the ground, he just managed to grab a protruding tree branch. Staring down at a 200 foot drop to almost certain death, he cried out. “Help me, please. Is anybody up there?” A deep voice came back, “Yes, my son, I am up here.” “Who is it?” called the man. “It is the Lord.” “Can you help me?” “Certainly, my son. Just let go of the branch and I will catch you.” The man thought for a moment, then shouted. “Is anybody else up there?”

GETTING MARRIED

Jacob aged 85, and Rebecca aged 79 are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.” Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?” Pharmacist: “Of course we do.” Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?” Pharmacist: “All kinds.” Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?” Pharmacist: “Definitely.” Jacob: “How about Viagra?” Pharmacist: “Of course.” Jacob: “Medicine for memory?” Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.” Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?” Pharmacist: “Absolutely.” Jacob: “Perfect. We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”

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DATES FOR YOUR DIARY SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

DATES FOR YOUR DIARY APRIL 2014 2 Ferret day 3 Fish Fingers and Custard day 6 Tartan day 7 Beer day 12 Walk on your wild side day 15 One day without shoes day 20 Easter 22 Earth day 23 International Marconi day 27 Tell a story day 30 Honesty day

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

BILLY CONNOLLY STILL WINDSWEPT’ AND INTERESTING AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

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BILLY CONNOLLY

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 3

From the Rough Ends of Glasgow to the giddy-heights of Hollywood, Billy Connolly has done it all. With the possible exception of a concert on the moon. But then again, he’s only 71. IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY that Billy Connolly first exploded onto the television screens of middle England with his debut appearance in 1975 on the popular Saturday chat show ‘Parkinson’. Dressed in a pale brown leather suit, complete with large hairy sporran, he opened with a song: “I am heading with my crummoch up from Gretna Green to Skye But my journey has an element of farce Cos the calendar has stated it’s the middle of July Yet here I am with snow up to my arse.” The nation sat spellbound by this rude, strange-looking man with his wild beard and hair, his outrageous dress sense, his thick Scottish accent, his irreverent songs, and, best of all his hilarious stories about life as a welder in the shipyards of Glasgow. Here was a man who, for all intents and purposes, had wandered in off the street with a pint of lager in his hand, a smirk on his face and bucketful of acidic stories to tell. He has been labeled by many since as the first of the so-called ‘alternative’ comedians of the seventies and eighties, but Connolly has never been one to fetter his creative talents by trying to analyse them, “I thought it would be rather nice to famous, and maybe rich into the bargain, but above all I just wanted to be windswept and interesting”.

was the victim of years of systematic abuse. His mother abandoned him when he was just four years old and despite the protection of his beloved elder sister Florence, he was viscously bullied by one of the aunts who raised him, beaten at school by a teacher called Rosie McDonald (Connolly now refers to her simply as ‘the sadist’) and sexually abused by his father. As his wife Pamela Stephenson puts it in her recently released biography, “Billy’s real story is an utterly triumphant one. Not a day has passed since I met him twenty years ago, without my shaking my head and marveling at his miraculous survival of profound child hood trauma.” But survive he did and after breaking free of at least the physical constraints of home and school, he started an apprenticeship at the local shipyard. He remained there for six years and aside from becoming a fully qualified welder, discovered the first inklings of his enormous natural talent for telling stories and ‘generally taking the piss’ .

Billy’s real story is an utterly triumphant one. Not a day has passed since I met him twenty years ago, without my shaking my head and marveling at his miraculous survival of profound childhood trauma.

In a country in which comedy was still largely dominated by the slick, intellectual comedy of middle class Oxbridge graduates like the Monty Python team, Connolly’s brash, almost aggressive style of delivery and audiences everywhere. As Parkinson later said, ‘I saw him as a class warrior. There was a political edge to his humour: it was as if he was saying to working class people, “Look at me .. .if I can do it, you can.’” Mind you, when you take look at his early life, it’s amazing he managed to develop a sense of humour at all. To describe his upbringing as ‘tough’ is a terrible understatement. Born in 1942, literally on the kitchen floor of a two-room tenement flat in Dover Street, Glasgow, he

It was very much’a man’s world in the yards and the young apprentices had to adapt quickly if they were to survive. Connolly still speaks with he met there. Nobody was safe from their pranks and they made it their business to test the youngsters at every opportunity. Many was the time that an eager young Connolly found himself being sent to the company stores by straight-faced senior welders to ‘fetch a new bubble for a spirit level’ or ‘pick up a can of tartan paint’. But as much as he loved his new life in the yards and the camaraderie of the people who had effectively become the family he’d never had, the adventurer inside him yearned for more. He was already playing banjo and guitar for a folk band called ‘The Tannahills’ in local pubs and clubs and had even begun to fancifully imagine a life outside the shipyards as some sort of ‘wandering beatnik type’. But it took the advice of a wise old welder and music lover

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nolly eventually set out on his own . His first gig was in Musselburgh in 1970 and after a shaky start he soon built up a loyal following on the local circuit with his repertoire of quirky songs and hilarious monologues. Not that everything went to plan. Stephenson tells a lovely tale in her book about the night Connolly’s manager asked him to do a gig at a rough club. “It’s worth a hundred pounds” goaded his manger. “If they heckle, just leave the stage. All I’m asking is that you try.”

called Bugsy to finally force his hand. “There’s nothing worse than being an old guy in here, knowing you could have got out when you were younger” he warned Connolly one day when he heard him enthusing about his night job. As Stephenson tells us, “His words chilled Billy’s soul”. He quit the following Friday. His first real work was as the musical accompaniment to a stage play in Glasgow called ‘Clydeside’ starring a young Richard Wilson (he of Victor Meldrew fame). Connolly and a pal called Tam were hired to play banjo and autoharp respectively and despite knowing nothing about live theatre, turned up at their first rehearsal full of the joys of life. Neither of them had ever heard the word ‘cue’ used outside a pool hall before and when the director ‘cued’ them in to play during the third scene, they simply smiled politely back at him. “Well?” the director urged, waving impatiently. Connolly thought he was asking them what they thought of the play so far. “Very good.” He replied. The actors cracked up laughing and Richard Wilson still tells the story After a short spell teamed up with a talented young musician by the name of Gerry Rafferty (who later went on to record, amongst other things, the hit single ‘Baker Street’) in a quasi-humorous band called the ‘Humblebums’, Con-

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Connolly walked on the following night, carrying his banjo. He placed the case at the side of the stage, took out his instrument and strolled to the centre of the stage. He didn’t even make it to the microphone. “Get aaaff!” someone shouted. “Certainly” replied Connolly good-naturedly and left immediately. He still comes across people who whisper in awe, “I was actually there the night you did that!” By the time he appeared on the Parkinson show Connolly was already a household name in Scotland but the prime time television exposure made him an instant star right across Britain and Northern Ireland. Since then he has established himself as one of the most successful comedians of all time, released hit records on both sides of the Atlantic, received an honorary doctorate from Glasgow University, made innumerable appearances on television and even left his mark on Hollywood starring alongside Richard Burton, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson and perhaps most famously of all, Dame Judi Dench in the highly-acclaimed film ‘Her Majesty Mrs Brown’. Not bad for a working class welder from the wrong side of town.


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Samui Holiday

Back in the 1970s the word ‘Samui’ was known only to a few of the most adventurous backpackers eager to explore this little known and tricky to reach island. Then, a basic thatched bungalow with generator power and running water was considered luxury. Nowadays, 5-star resorts, that rival any world-class destination, occupy the prime beachfront and clifftop locations bringing the jetsetter crowd to this now well-known and easily accessible island in the Gulf of Thailand. Samui is Thailand’s third largest island, yet mea sures just 21 kilometres at its widest point and 25 at its longest. A ring-road runs around the island for approximately 50 kilometres and links the many beaches and bays, so hiring a car or scooter is recommended, as it’s the best way to explore. Don’t be afraid to venture down an unmarked palm-lined track – this is how you come across some of Samui’s best kept secret beaches. And it’s beaches after all that bring visitors to a tropical island, and those visitors will not be disappointed with Samui’s selection of bays and coves - from long stretches of white sand, to small coves, protected by giant boulders. 22 eastern and northern shores are the Samui’s


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most populated, and Chaweng is the busiest beach, with hardly a gap along the beachfront between restaurants, resorts and bars. At night, the beach takes off her sundress and glams up with her evening dress, completes with diamond earrings – metaphorically speaking that is. As the sun sets, sun-loungers are replaced with tables set out at the water’s edge. The aroma of sunscreen is replaced by the mouth-watering smells wafting from the open seafood barbecues on the beach. Sunglasses come off, first to view the brilliant sunsets, and later to gaze at the moon over the bay, or the fairy lights and lanterns lighting up the beach and palm trees. As developed as Samui has become in some areas, what’s good to know is that the island observes a quaint building regulation – no building may be higher than the closest coconut palm. Now while these palms can get quite tall, this is still a far cry from the skyscrapers that line Phuket’s (Thailand’s biggest island) shore, and most resorts are still of the villa or bungalow style. If you’re looking for a slower pace, head west and south and get a feel of what Samui must have been like a few decades ago. Another beach worth visiting is Choeng Mon at the north-eastern tip of the island. Frequented by expats, this is an ideal family beach, with just enough vendors to be convenient when you’re looking for a snack or drink, but not enough to bother you. South of Chaweng, before Samui’s second largest beach of Lamai, are two small coves, namely Crystal Bay and Coral Cove. Samui has more to offer visitors and residents than just glorious beaches. Golf enthusiasts will delight in the views on offer from the challenging Santiburi Golf Club, high up in the hills above Maenam. There’re other golfing options available on the island too, including mini golf, and believe it or not, football golf. There’s a fair selection of adrenalin sports, both on land and in water too.

accommodation-wise. From tiny beach bungalows, with not more than a hammock swinging between two trees, to luxury establishments offering the best of everything as well as all types of rooms in between, you’ll find it on Samui. There’s traditional to contemporary, family-friendly to hip and happening and allinclusive resorts to self-catering establishments too. One of the best parts of travelling is trying new food. Whether it’s Thai food you’re after or international cuisine, Samui’s chefs can prepare it for you. Be sure to try a walking street market during your stay too. Fancy a night out on the town? Well the busier areas such as Chaweng and Lamai are home to a vast selection of night clubs, bars and cabaret shows. But you don’t have to wait until evening to party, with venues such as Nikki Beach on the west coast, and Beach Republic on the east coast, hosting DJs from lunchtime as guests mingle, dine and laze by the beachfront pools. There’s plenty to see too during your stay, from viewpoints to temples and religious sites and butterfly gardens to Muay Thai boxing matches. There’s so much to see and do, that’s it’s best to make a list of your favourites so you don’t miss out. Shopaholics won’t be disappointed with the retail therapy on offer. From bargaining at market stands to buying local designer-wear or original souvenirs made on Samui , you’ll find just what you’re looking for. Samui may not have big shopping malls (yet), but that doesn’t mean shopping can’t be fun and rewarding as you wander along the shopping strips set back from the beaches. Of course, you can have a suit tailor-made too in just a day or two. Who would have thought? Whether you’re planning an action-packed holiday, or

Prefer something a little less energetic? Well Samui has become known as a spa, detox and pampering hub of Southeast Asia. Whether you’re after a full detox program or just a day of ‘me time’, you’ll find a vast array of spas to choose from. You can’t go wrong with a 300 baht massage on the beach too. a time to unwind with the family, you can find all the Whether you’re a backpacker, a flashpacker or a 5-star- information you require at www.samuiholiday.com. It all-the-way kind of traveller, again, Samui will please will even tell you how to get here …

www.samuiholiday.com

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HOW TO GET TO SAMUI Fancy the Holiday of a Lifetime? Koh Samui could be the place for YOU! Why Samui? What makes this tropical island in the Gulf of Thailand so popular, welcoming around one million tourists annually via air and ferry. An overview of this amazing island of coconuts, its beaches, and what it has to offer the holidaymaker.

Read more about the beaches on Samui...

http://www.samuiholiday.com/samuiinbrief.html

How do you get here? As Samui is an island, it goes without saying that flight or ferry are your only options. Here you will find advice on not only the quickest and easiest way to reach Samui by air, but also budget options that involve trains, busses and finally ferries. It doesn’t matter HOW you get here, just get here!

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Koh Samui has something for everyone‌ As well as enjoying the natural beauty that is everywhere on Koh Samui, there are also many interesting and exciting aspects of island life to explore; some traditions having remained unchanged for centuries. And, of course, there is a wide variety of fascinating local temples to visit and some of them may surprise you!

http://www.samuiholiday.com/attractions.html

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JACK NICHOLSON

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FEATURE

Okay, Jack Nicholson may not be your typical comedy great, but like Robin Williams and Robert de Niro, who also mix horror and comedy so effortlessly, he is just as comfortable with a gag, as he is with a gag. If you see what I mean. By Jade Mclean Jack Nicholson has played every role in the book, but with a preference perhaps for the mentally unbalanced. From motorbike nutter in ‘Easy Rider’ to diabolist style nutter in ‘The Witches of Eastwick’ to slasher nutter in ‘The Shining’. A predilection if ever we saw one. But it was the events of 9/11 that changed his philosophy towards work. Feeling that America was depressed enough, he decided he didn’t want to add to their macabre burden and made a conscious decision to turn to comedy to cheer everyone up a bit. Nice bloke. “September 11th made me want to do comedies again. I don’t want to depress anybody. I don’t want to challenge their morality. So I decided that I am going to learn about comedy and go over there with the clowns where I belong. Other than that, you get a good script or a good opportunity and that dictates the choice of what you do.” Nicholson was of course doing comedy a long time before 9/11. ‘As Good As It Gets’ (‘97), ‘Batman’ (as The Joker ‘89), and no one could have portrayed the devil better than Jack in ‘The Witches of Eastwick’ (‘87)Some might also say that his werewolf flick, ‘Wolf’ (‘94), in which he starred opposite Michelle Pfiffer, was also a comedy. It was, at least, laughable that Jack took that unlikely role, although he obviously had the perfect looks for it. And there’s another porky. Having promised to be a more fun guy, he went ahead and made ‘About Schmidt’ in 2002, which wasn’t at all funny. And hang on a minute, neither was ‘The Departed’ (‘06). However, people tend to forgive Jack his half-assed sentiments, because he is quite simply, the king of Hollywoodland, a living icon, tip top, top of the shop, cream of the crop. Can you honestly name a single film that he hasn’t been brilliant in? Of course you can’t. Jack Nicholson became an actor relatively late in life. His breakthrough performance in ‘Easy Rider ‘(‘69) happened at age 32 af-

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FEATURE

ter 11 years of trying. His next, and probably the most talked-about role of his whole career, came in 1975 with ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’, for which he quite rightly won an Oscar. The film also won all of the top five Academy Role, Actress in a Lead Role, Director, Screenplay. Jack kicked off the 80s with ‘The Shining’, in which he played a novelist with severe writer’s block. His other notable films of the decade include ‘The Postman Always Rings Twice’ (‘81), ‘Terms of Endearment’ (‘83) and ‘ Prizzi’s Honor’ (‘85). In ‘89 Jack played the role of The Joker in ‘Batman’ thanks to Batman creator Bob Kane who personally recommended him for the role. His performance is ranked #45 on the American Film

he manages to befriend one of his local diner’s waitresses, played by Helen Hunt, eventually learning that being good to others doesn’t cost anything. He also won an Oscar for the movie, which he dedicated to J.T. Walsh, his co-star in ‘A Few Good Men’ who had died shortly before the Academy Awards in 1998. ‘About Schmidt’ came in 2001, which some saw as a thoroughly depressing insight into growing old, retiring, losing your partner and alienating what family you have left. Indeed, Jack won a Golden Globe for his role – Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture- Drama, and later stated, “I’m a little surprised. I thought we made a comedy.” After Schmidt came ‘Anger Management’, in which he starred opposite Adam Sandier. Unfortunately it was a turd of a movie, which even Nicholson’s stellar performance couldn’t polish. Doing comedy is one thing, but doing a romcom is something else altogether. ‘Something’s Gotta Give’ was his first real attempt at this genre (unless you count ‘Terms of Endearment’ which was unintentionally funny in more than a few parts).

Institute’s 100 Heroes & Villains. He comes in again at #25 for his performance as Jack Torrance in ‘The Shining’. In ‘92 he starred opposite Tom Cruise in ‘A Few Good Men’, about which he commented, “It was one of the few times when it was money well spent,” referring to the $5m he earned for the movie. His credits continued to mount up over the decade, culminating in ‘As Good As It Gets’ in which he plays Melvin Udall, a writer with obsessive compulsive disorder and a propensity to mentally torture his gay next door neighbour, played by Greg Kinnear. Despite his lack of social skills and inability to come into close personal contact with anything or anyone,

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He agrees that his career hasn’t exactly been laden with well-balanced, normal roles “Whenever I’m with a woman in a movie, either I’m a murderer or a monster or she’s crazy.” So SGG was quite a stretch for him in terms of playing a relatively normal character. “I assume most of the characters I play are exactly like me so I don’t have to act about that. But you know, comedy is much harder, it’s a lot more exacting. You can’t just be real and you can’t just use the same kind of techniques you use to fill up a regular scene. So technically I related to it differently. Nancy (Meyers, Something’s Gotta Give’s director) talked to me a lot while writing the script, though. She likes to write for a particular actor so certain amounts of it were actually extracted from those conversations, I imagine.” In SGG, Jack plays Harry Sanborn, a 50-something man who prefers to date women under 30 - not unlike the man himself, although he insists that he’s into specific people rather than how old they are. “I’ve been unattached for quite a while so I have varied company. In terms of age, you could say that over the last year, I’ve probably covered the territory from twenty-one


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to sixty-one.” Finally and most recently, Jack’s role of mafia boss in ‘The Departed’ may have typecast him for the rest of his acting days. Slipping into the role of Irish mob boss Frank Costello was like second nature to Jack, who brought an essence of madness to the character lending him that unpredictable quality, essential for boosting a mob boss’s respectability. Scorsese’s introduction of Costello to the audience, with him in silhouette, was a clever way of unnerving the audience, adding emphasis to his intimidating nature and making him seem all the more untouchable. “My reaction to 9/11 was ‘This is just a catastrophe, so I’m just going to do comedy for a while,’ “ Jack says. “I’d done three in a row [About Schmidt Anger Management and Something’s Gotta Give] and thought, ‘Jeez, 1 really would like to play a bad guy.’ And the guy I play here, he’s bad. Nothing is sacred, not the church, not children, nothing. I knew Leo (Di Caprio) from a while back and, in fact, he’s the one who brought me in. Matt (Damon) I knew too. I have very good feelings about both of them. At first I tiptoed in, but Marty (Scorsese) was very inspiring in terms of how free he was with me. I thought it’d be more

FEATURE

frightening if my character had a sexual component, but all we put in the notes was ‘Costello has wild sex.’ So I called Marty up and said, ‘ Look, I just thought of what would be an interesting scene of Costello having wild sex.’ And in this scene with two girls, one of the girls is wearing a strap-on, and he just hurls this handful of cocaine and says, ‘Don’t move until you’re numb.’ And then later on, in a porno theater, as a sick joke, the guy turns to Matt Damon’s character with that same strap-on dildo sticking out of his pants. This was my idea and improvisational, and Marty went for it. But that’s what these parts are for me: spicing the movie.” Despite having reached the mature age of 70 on April 22 this year, Jack is still one of Hollywood’s most colourful characters and baddest boys - even the road he lives on is a testament to his nature- Mulholland Drive is commonly known as Bad Boy Drive, considering that it used to be shared by the likes of Nicholson, Marion Brando and Warren Beatty. When Brando passed away, Jack bought his bungalow and

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demolished it, obviously of the opinion that nobody could or would dare replace his most revered icon and best friend. “For all thirty years, Marion’s presence to me was this tree I see out the window in front of my toilet. I miss him.” Jack’s life has seemingly always revolved around sex. It’s true that he grew up with a sister who was in fact his mother and with parents who were in fact his grandparents. His father abandoned him when he was born. These strange circumstances obviously had some kind of effect on him possibly rendering him unable to sustain a monogamous relationship. “I was very driven,” he says. I remember being at least mentally sexually excited about things from childhood, even sooner than eight, in the bathtub. I mean, I had a large appetite.” As Kim Basinger once pointed out, “ [Jack’s] the most highly sexed individual I have ever met.” “Well, I’ve never talked about it that much “ says Jack. “I talk about the generality of it. But in all honesty, I’m very tender in these areas. Let’s use that word.” Among the women known to have succumbed to Jack’s charms are horror-movie actress Sandra Knight his wife from 1961 to 1966, from whom came daughter Jennifer. Mamas and the Papas singer Michelle Phillips, before she took up with Warren Beatty; actress Susan Anspach, from whom came son Caleb, 36; actress Anjelica Huston, daughter of his great friend, the late director John Huston for seventeen tempestuous, topsy-turvy years; former waitress Rebecca Broussard, from whom came daughter Lorraine, 16, and son Raymond, 14; and, most recently, tweezerthin actress Lara Flynn Boyle, who is thirty-three years his junior. Among the rumored, have been Diane Keaton, as well as Margaret Trudeau, wife of late Canadian prime minister Pierre Trudeau. Among the most blabbermouthy was late Playboy model Karen MayoChandler, who once said, “He’s a nonstop sex ma-

chine. He’s into fun and games .. like spanking, handcuffs, whips and Polaroid pictures,” and who added that he eats peanut butter in bed “to keep his strength up.” Jack’s insatiable appetite has indeed reverberated through many of his roles. His idea for the dildo piece for ‘The Departed’ no doubt took root 25 years ago when he was making ‘The Postman Only Rings Twice’ with Jessica Lange. Jack was dead set on making it, “one of the naughtiest movies” and decided that the solution lay in showing an erection - “this kind of bulging railer” - through his 1940s pleated pants. To that end, he asked director Bob Rafelson to craft him a conventional prosthetic, but no one took him seriously, so when the day to shoot the scene arrived, he found himself empty-handed and irritated. Said Rafelson, “Well, jeez, if you’re so red-hot about this, go upstairs and see what you can do there.” And so Jack did, “whipping away,” he says, until he realized that some things were beyond even him. In addition to sex, Jack is known for his addiction to watching LA Lakers home games, to the point where his shooting schedules have to be worked around the live matches. He also has two teenagers to contend with, although he refuses to be a hypocrite when offering them advice, considering his own shady past, when his Mulholland Drive pad was the archetypal 70s den of iniquity. “I remember myself as a teenager, so I know I’m not going to be the first parent that ever outsmarted a teenager, and I’m not trying. All I’m going to say is, everything they say is bad for you ... pretty much it is bad for you.”

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JOKES

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SQUEALER TAKES TIME FOR A TITTER… TOP TEN JOKES OF ALL TIME 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ‘’Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’’ The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ‘’The driver just insulted me!’’ The man says: ‘’You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’’ 2. ‘’I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.’’ 3. ‘’Dyslexic man walks into a bra’’ 4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ‘’Shut up...you’re next!’’

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JOKES

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5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ‘’I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?’’ He said, ‘’How flexible are you?’’ I said, ‘’I can’t make Tuesdays’’, was fifth. 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. 7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant. 8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied. 9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ‘’Pint please, and one for the road.’’

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IT’S A MAD MAD WORLD HOUSE HUSBANDS STILL SUFFERING FROM STRESS

Most people assume that life in the rat race is bad for your health. But new research suggests it is men who give up their careers to become house husbands who are more at risk of a fatal heart attack. The study found that the pressures of staying at home to look after the children can be so stressful that they have a damaging effect on health. Researcher Dr Elaine Eaker, of Eaker Epidemiology Enterprises in Wisconsin, said the key to the problem was that some men became stressed about the fact that they were performing a role not traditionally associated with them by society. Men who do stay at home to look after the family tend not to have the same levels of support from peers, friends and family as women. Source: BBC News

SOMETHING TO DECLARE

A witch carrying a jar of her own blood and an American family who refused to surrender their pet rat are among several recent arrivals to have raised the eyebrows of Australia’s quarantine officers. International travellers carrying illegal goods have been fined almost $130,000 in a quarantine crackdown in the past six months. While most fines have been issued for fruit and plant materials, a review of recent quarantine seizures has revealed some bizarre incidents. Earlier this month, Perth quarantine officers stopped an American woman who had arrived with her pet rat. When told the rat was not allowed entry into Australia, the woman’s family protested that Australia was the only country to have such strict quarantine laws. Rather than surrender the rat, they cancelled their holiday and caught the next flight out. In another incident, a self-proclaimed witch declared a jar of blood on arrival at Brisbane’s International Airport. She explained it was her own blood, for drinking in a pagan ritual. Quarantine officers said she surrendered the blood freely when told she could not carry it into the country.

ORDER NOW, GET THE RECTO-ROTOR ABSOLUTELY FREE

All of us who watch second-grade TV channels have seen advertisements for miscellaneous devices that supposedly heal you from any and all diseases. Bloussant will increase a woman’s breast size threefold in a month. Zeno Ex will enlarge a man’s member so that it is comparable to that of a horse. A multitude of such devices, created over the last 200+ years, was collected in the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices by Minneapolis resident Bob McCoy. After retiring earlier this year, McCoy has given his collection of over 325 artifacts to the Science Museum of Minnesota. The devices represented in the museum show just how naive people are. The collection contains some unique things. For example, the Shoe Fitting X-Ray. During the forties, ten thousand such devices were located in shoe shops around the country. They allowed buyers to instantly see how their foot bones fitted inside the shoe. A lot of devices were developed to solve problems with body functions and personal life: rectal prostate gland warmers, The Recto Rotor and a vibrating chair for intestinal peristalsis stimulation. And the sympathy prize goes to the foot powered vacuum breast enlarger. In the mid seventies, this enlarger, priced at $10 US, was bought by four million women. The only thing that they got was eight million bruises. Source: Winglitch.com

PERSIL CLEANS NATURISTS

Nude British boules players have signed a deal with a leading washing powder maker to sponsor what little clothing they wear. Members of Britain’s naturist boules team will sport branded hats, socks and sweatbands at two tournaments in The Netherlands later this summer. “The team is hugely excited,” said manager Pat Thompson. British Naturism, which has 25,000 members and 170 clubs in the UK, will also be offered free samples of washing powder under the deal. “Even naturists have washing machines,” said Andrew Watson.

I’LL TAKE THE CAR , YOU CAN KEEP THE TOY

A former waitress has settled her lawsuit against Hooters, the restaurant that gave her a toy Yoda doll instead of the Toyota she thought she’d won. Jodee Berry, 27, won a beer sales contest last May at the Panama City Beach Hooters. She believed she had won a new Toyota and happily was escorted to the restaurant’s parking lot in a blindfold. But when the blindfold was removed, she found she had won a new toy Yoda – the little green character from the “Star Wars” Movies. David Noll, her attorney, said that he could not disclose the settlement’s details, although his client could now go to a local car dealership and “pick out whatever type of Toyota she wants.” After the stunt, Berry quit the restaurant and filed a lawsuit against breach of contract and fraudulent misrepresentation. The restaurant’s manager, Jared Blair, has said the whole contest was an April Fools’ joke. Source: CNews

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IT’S A MAD MAD WORLD PANTS THAT COME WITH A WARNING

An unusual device has just been created by Serbian Inventor – Slavomir Adamovic. This is no zero emission vehicle, or robotic housecleaner though – rather it’s a pair of ladies panties with an alarm in them. You’re probably wondering what use anyone would have for such a strange device. Adamovic would have it that sexual abuse against women is rather frequent in offices (maybe it is in Serbia – who knows). His amazing invention will emit loud beeps every time its owner has her butt pinched. The inventor hopes that such unexpected sounds will cool down sexually charged men in the office and will therefore make it a safer place to work. Adamovic says the panties beep thanks to a microchip embedded in the underwear which emits a sound when it is being pressed, or when areas close to the underwear are pressed. Japanese and Taiwan companies have shown an interest in the product.

THE TELEVISION IS PEOPLES’ NEW BEST FRIEND

Watching television may make people think they have an active social life. A new study suggests people who watch more television feel like they have more friends. Sitcoms and prime-time dramas make women feel better about themselves, while men responded best to news programmes. The US study found people who watch certain TV shows were as satisfied with their social lives as people with more friends than them. Satoshi Kanazawa, of Indiana University in Pennsylvania, says the brain may have evolved to label any face it sees regularly as a friend. Kanazawa analyzed the results of the annual US General Social Survey to reach his findings. Source: Ananova

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EASTER FEATURE A FEW FASCINATING EASTER FACTS…. The state of Florida was so named because Ponce De Leon discovered it on “Pascua Florida” or Easter Sunday. The rarest date for Easter is March 22, the last time Easter fell on that date was 1818, it will not occur again until 2285. On Easter, young girls in Poland as a sign of affection once gave their favorite suitors as many as 100 decorated Easter eggs. In Germany during the 1800s, Easter eggs that were dyed and inscribed with a person’s name and birth date were honored in courts of law as birth certificates. The Easter Parade dates back to the mid-1800s.The Easter Parade was set apart for high society to attend after they finished their Easter church services. They would stroll up and down Fifth avenue to show off their Easter hats and outfits. 76 percent of people eat the ears on chocolate bunnies first.

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EASTER FEATURE ing in at 8,968 lbs. of dark chocolate and marshmallow. The largest decorated Easter egg was made in Alcochete, Portugal in 2008 measuring more than 48 ft. long and a little over 27 feet in diameter. Every year, the White House hosts an Easter Egg Roll on the front lawn. The tradition was started by President Rutherford B. Hayes in 1878 Many pagan traditions have found their way into Christian religious observances. Rabbits are one such symbol. Rabbits symbolize the fertility of springtime. The rabbit is also the symbol of the Egyptian moon — and the moon is used to determine the date of Easter each year.

True or false? Eggs contain nearly every nutrient known to be essential to humans. (True.) 16 billion jelly beans are made specifically for Easter which is enough to fill a plastic egg the size of a 9-story building. After Halloween Easter is the biggest candy consuming holiday.

The egg had always intrigued, worried and fascinated people. For instance, in antiquity, the Romans used to break the shells of eggs that they had eaten to prevent enemies from making magic with them. It was believed that evil Romans could cast curses by remote control with discarded empty uncrushed egg shells. Russian Czar Alexander, was later responsible in 1883 for commissioning the famous Faberge eggs from goldsmith Peter Carl Faberge - as an Easter gift for his wife, the Empress Marie. According to the Guinness Book of World Records the largest Easter egg ever made was unveiled in Cortenuova, Italy in 2011 weigh-

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THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SMARTARSE QUIPPIERY E is for ‘EGO’…

“The nice thing about egoists is that they don’t talk about other people.” (Lucille S. Harper) …and for ‘EXERCISE’… “I swim a lot. It’s either that or buy a new golf ball.” (Bob Hope) …and for ‘EPITAPH’… “Here lies Harry Secombe, until further notice.” (Harry Secombe) …and for ‘EDUCATION’… “My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had, so he sent me to a girl’s school.” (Eric Morecombe) …and for ‘EQUALITY’… “After a game, the king and the pawn go in the same box.” (Italian proverb) “You don’t know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.” (Rodney Dangerfield) …and for ‘THE ENGLISH’… “My roles play into a certain fantasy of what people want English to be. Whereas half the time we’re vomiting beer and beating people up.” (Hugh Grant) …and for ‘ELOQUENCE’… “An eloquent male is one who can describe Dolly Parton without using his hands.” (Joan Rivers) …and for ‘ETIQUETTE’… “I don’t stand on protocol. Just call me Your Excellency.” (Henry Kissinger) “The trouble nowadays is that no one stares, however outrageous ones behavior.” (Quentin Crisp) 38


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VINTAGE WIT He made his television debut in the sitcom ‘Two In Clover’ in 1970. In 1972, he was asked by David Croft to play a part in a Comedy Playhouse pilot called ‘Are You Being Served?’ This was a sitcom set in a department store, written by scriptwriters David Croft and Jeremy Lloyd, and based on the latter’s experiences working at Simpson’s in Piccadilly Circus. Playing a minor role with only a few lines, he was soon asked to “camp it up”, despite initial reluctance from the BBC to include such a camp character. The pilot was broadcast in September 1972. The broadcast was followed by the five episodes of the first series in early 1973. The first series showing opposite Coronation Street on ITV attracted little attention, but repeats later that year were very successful.

John Inman, who died in a London hospital aged 71, was the epitome of a popular genre of British comedy which shunned satire and contemporary reference in favour of a timeless brand of broad slapstick and camp sexual innuendo. Frederick John Inman was an English actor best known for his role as Mr Humphries in the British sitcom ‘Are You Being Served?’ in the 1970s and 1980s. Inman was also well known in the United Kingdom as a pantomime dame. Inman was born in 1935 in Preston, Lancashire, and was a cousin of actress Josephine Tewson (Elizabeth Warden in ‘Keeping Up Appearances’). Inman always wanted to be an actor, and at the age of 13 he made his stage debut in the Pavilion on Blackpool’s South Pier, in a melodrama entitled ‘Freda’. Aged 15, he took a job at the pier, making tea, clearing up, and playing parts in plays.

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Inman played the camp Mr Wilberforce Claybourne Humphries and his earlier career in the clothes retail business was good preparation for this role in a menswear department. Inman developed a haracteristic limpwristed mincing walk, and a high-pitched catch phrase, “I’m free!”. Inman came under attack by some gay rights groups for what they perceived to be his stereotypical portrayal. However, both Inman and David Croft stated that the character was “just a mother’s boy” and his sexual orientation was never explicitly stated. During the second series a group meeting was called, after which the writers and cast decided to go for even smuttier puns. The new formula pleased British audiences, who never seemed to tire of hearing jokes about Mrs Slocombe’s pussy. Croft would ask: “Dare we do that?” and Inman would reply: “David, you have created a monster. You have to let him go.” ‘Are You Being Served?’ ran for ten series until it finished in 1985. At its height, in the late 1970s,


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VINTAGE WIT it regularly attracted British audiences of up to 20 million viewers. Inman’s portrayal of Mr Humphries won him the BBC TV Personality of the Year in 1976 and he was voted the funniest man on television by TV Times readers. From 1980 to 1981, Inman also played Mr Humphries in the Australian version of the program, set in a store named ‘Bone Brothers’ to avoid problems with a real business named Grace Brothers. The series also became popular in the United States, where Inman became a gay cultural icon. Once, in San Francisco, a passing cyclist spotted Inman and fell off his bicycle in surprise, crying “Mr Humphries, I love you!” During the 69-episode, 13-year run of ‘Are You Being Served?’, Inman also appeared in the 1977 film of the series, in which the characters visited the fictional Spanish holiday resort of ‘Costa Plonka’; ‘Odd Man Out’, his own sitcom in 1977, playing the owner of a fish-and-chip shop who inherits half of a

rock factory; and ‘Take a Letter, Mr. Jones’, a 1981 sitcom where Inman played Graham Jones, secretary to Rula Lenska’s character Joan Warner. After ‘Are You Being Served?’, Inman became one of the nation’s best known pantomime dames and appeared in over 40 pantomime productions across the United Kingdom. In 2004, Inman made additional television appearances in ‘Doctors and Revolver’. He lived in a mews house in Little Venice for 30 years. On 23 December 2005, Inman entered in a civil partnership at Westminster Register Office with his partner of 35 years, Ron Lynch. Inman suffered from poor health in his later years. In December 2004, he was forced to cancel an appearance in a pantomime as he was suffering from a hepatitis A infection, which he had contracted from contaminated food. Following this, he never worked again and he suffered complications from the infection for the rest of his life. Inman died early in the morning of 8 March 2007, aged 71, in St Mary’s Hospital, Paddington, London.

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SQUEALERS BEAUTY TIPS

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SQUEALERS BEAUTY TIPS

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INSTANT HUMOR - Never let your man’s mind wonder – it’s too little to be out on its own. - A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirins and a glass of water His wife asks, “What’s that for?” “It’s for your headache.” “I don’t have a headache.” He replies, “Gotcha!” - A woman’s husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, “How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?” The widow says, “Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone.” The friend says, “$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?” The widow says, “Three carats.” - One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted 46

to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.” And they say blondes are dumb... - A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!


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INSTANT HUMOR

- A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman enters. The man can’t stop staring at her. The young woman notices this and walks directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, “I’ll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition.” Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is. The young woman replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman five $20 bills. He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, “Paint my house.”

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Eating? A piece of cake. Sleeping? Do it with my eyes closed. Walking? Take it in my stride. But have you ever imagined what life would be like if such simple skills as these weren’t quite so easy? Joe Swain investigates. The last time I wrote about my baby daughter she was busily tarnishing the family name. Splattering the white-tiled floor of Takashimaya’s baby changing room with a spectacular 4-foot high arc of mustard-coloured poo tends to do that. But that was nearly a year ago, and as tempted as I am to prattle on about the various consistencies of her poo, that’s not what I’ve had on my mind of late. (On my sleeves, hair and trousers yes,

but not on my mind.) What interests me much more now, are some of the natural skills that little people have, that we adults seem to lose as we grow up. I’m talking of course about the ability to see dead people. I’m not actually, but that would have been quite cool wouldn’t it? No, the skill I’m thinking about is the ability to know precisely when you’re running low on food and the art of making exactly the right people know about it. Or, to use the proper medical terminology: ‘screaming like a crazed banshee who hasn’t tasted flesh for 200 years and is about to rip you limb from limb if you don’t do something about it, right bloody now!’ Indeed the only time I am ever physically scared of my two-foot long daughter is when she’s ‘asking’ for food in this manner. Like a finely-tuned little Lamborghini, she can move through the gears from angelic chuckle to demonic cacophony with frightening speed. And it’s a cry which isn’t designed to be ignored. Mainly because, from a genetic point of view, it is the

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JUST THOUGHTS baby’s way of stayinq alive. These days a quiet baby that isn’t screaming for milk at all hours is praised and even boasted about by its parents. But what these smug bastard people don’t know, is that in stone-age times theirs would have been the babies that didn’t make it. If you didn’t scream loud enough, you didn’t get fed. Now I know a few adults who get a bit crochety when they’re hungry and I’ve even known a couple who would mug small children for their half-sucked Dime bars if the need arose. But so far I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who would actually resort to screaming like a baby. Probably because I’ve never pushed them far enough I hear you thinking. And you’re right. In the name of science I should round a few up one evening and tie them to their chairs in a restaurant whilst I eat in front of them. I’m sure they’d understand. Especially if I were to wear a white coat and make notes on a clipboard as I shoveled large spoonfuls of succulent food into my mouth.

Mr Jones ... but my, haven’t you put on some weight lately .... now close your eyes there’s a good chap .... . 10 green bottles hanging on the wall ..... “ They’d be like the blokes who used to wander around the streets lighting the gas lamps, except they’d whistle sleepy Kenny Gee songs instead of upbeat George Fornby numbers. Which leaves one little problem of course: who would walk the walkers? Maybe they’d have special late night ‘sleep’ buses for them, driving endlessly round the block, picking them up when their shifts finish - in great big Winnie the Pooh sleep suits preferably - and then delivering them back home half an hour later to be carefully transferred into their beds. By whom I don’t know.

But seriously though, wouldn’t it be great if humans didn’t lose that basic instinct to scream when they’re hungry? Imagine how equalizing it would be to be sat in a posh restaurant one night next to a bunch of very serious looking businessmen, when all of a sudden hunger pays a premature visit to their table. One minute the CEO and the finance director would be boring their underlings to death with their latest management bollocks and the next they’d be face down on the table sobbing their little eyes out and screaming like lunatics. You’d have poncey head waiters running around the place brandishing caterpaults loaded with emerqency bread rolls, barkinq “Zut Alors! Get zose appetizers out here now! I ave screamers on table 2 and some dangerously wobbly lips on 3!” And even better, what if people never learnt to fall asleep on their own? A world full of grown adults who need rocking or walking to sleep every night. It would solve unemployment at a stroke - you’d have millions of people popping round to other people’s houses at night-time to help them get to sleep. “Up you get there

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 4

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Squealer magazine issue 8