Squealer Magazine Issue 9

SQUEALER

MAGAZINE

THE

KOH SAMUI’S DEFINITIVE TOILET READ

ISSUE 9 / JUNE 2014

KATIE PRICE - RUMORS COULD BE COLOURBLIND, BUT CLAIMS IT IS A STRESS RELEIVER JOHN CLEESE – THE LAST TIME TO SEE ME BEFORE I DIE

FREE WORLD CUP 2014 WALL CHART! BELGIUM, FAVORITE TO WIN!

INSIDE 05

WELCOME

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ODD BEAUTY PAGEANTS

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COMEDY GREATS

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KOH SAMUI

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FOOTBALL FANTASTIC

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JOHN CLEESE

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DOG TEXTS

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INSTANT HUMOR

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JUST THOUGHTS

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We are giving away a freebie

Well it is in the eye of the beholder

Stephen Wright - it’s a small world, but I wouldn’t like to paint it

A jewel in a rather large crown

Footballers names aren’t what they used to be

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The big cheese

So this is what they’re thinking

Monty Python’s Dead Parrot Sketch

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Don’t ask me to dance

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Fully air-conditioned restaurant, with a Kiddies Corner with entertainment for the younger ones…giving parents a chance to enjoy themselves and relax a little. Fast WIFI and Flat screen TV’s.

You can find us in the Boonjumnong Apartment complex (also home to Wine Connection and The Irish Times), adjacent to Tesco Lotus Chaweng.

We look forward to seeing you soon!

Tel: 077 484 980 Email: redbrickcafe@hotmail.com

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 9

SQUEALER

editors drivel

magazine

Editor Lorraine Clark Design and Web ets.io

EDITORIAL Advertising advertising@squealermagazine.com Newsdesk newsdesk@squealermagazine.com

Somebody told me recently that he thought Squealer was a little Anglocentric. (That’s, ‘a bit on the English side’ for any foreigners who might actually be reading this.)

“Poppycock and balderdash”, I said as I thrashed him to within an inch of his life with my polo whip, planted a flag in the middle of his head and claimed his land for the Empire. But I suppose there’s a bit of truth in what he said. It’s not a deliberate thing though, just the way it comes out sometimes.

In our defence, we’ve featured many non-English comedians, including Steven Wright and Robin Williams. I could argue that humour doesn’t follow geographical lines, that in a ‘Jeux sans frontiers’ sort of way, it knows no boundaries. But that would obviously be a pile of crap. It’s more a language thing I think. Being English, I only speak one language. Assuming that is, that being able to tell a Frenchman that ‘le singe est dans l’arbe’, doesn’t count as bi-linguism.

‘International humour in the English language’ would probably be a fairer description. With this in mind, it is with unbridled excitement that I am pleased to present the FREE World Cup Wall Chart with this issue…we can’t get any more cosmopolitan that that can we? (answers on a postcard to the Squealer office please.)

Questions and Contact: Email: info@squealermagazine.com Web: www.squealermagazine.com

For now

Lorraine Clark editor

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JOKES

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COMMON SENSE

A GREEK FAMILY TRAGEDY

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What does ‘politics’ mean dad?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your mum, She’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.

We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People.

The Greek father calls his son a couple of days before Christmas and says, “Niko, I hate to ruin your day, but I must tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - fortyfive years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” Niko screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer, We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister Toula and let her know.”

Frantic, the son calls Toula, who explodes on the phone.”No way are my loving parents getting divorced!” she shouts. She calls Dad immediately and screams, “You are not getting divorced! Don’t do anything until we get there. I’m calling Niko back and we’ll be there tomorrow.

Do you hear me?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming home for Christmas and they’re paying their own way.”

The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class, and your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

A SIMPLE MISTAKE A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about then”. The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

help the other Monks in copying the old texts by hand.

He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the “Original Books.” So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son “. So the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, the new monk goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks him what the problem is.

“The word is Celebrate,” sobs the head monk!

CLASS PHOTO The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘Look, there’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer’, or ‘That’s Michael. He’s a doctor:” To which a small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

DID YOU KNOW There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra in the US today than on Alzheimer’s research. Which means that by 2030, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no idea what to do with them.

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FEATURE

Bad news and good news

The doctor told the old man that he had only a year to live, but the good news was he would be able to live a full life until the last few days.

That afternoon the old man signed up for law school.

Studying day and night, to everyone’s amazement he managed to get through law school in just under one year.

It was only a week later that his illness got worse and he was back in the hospital. The old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end.

Curious, the old man’s son leaned over and asked, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to

All Part of the Service

A lady’s husband dies. She heads to the funeral home to make arrangements. She’s emphatic that the arrangements must be done with elegance, and attention to detail.

For example, she tells the funeral director, “I want only the best padded chairs. All the comforts possible must be extended to the mourners. Have the air conditioning set to a perfect 20 degrees. The flowers should be beautiful, yet not overpowering in their scent.”

On the day of the funeral the widow is examining the viewing room. She notices that the funeral director has not yet turned on the air conditioner. She orders the director to turn it on so that when the viewing starts, the room will be a perfect temperature.

As soon as the air conditioner is on, though, she notices her deceased husband’s hairpiece flapping in the breeze caused by the air conditioner. “This won’t do!” She orders the director to take care of the problem. He assures her that he will take care of it, if she’ll just wait in the outer office for ten minutes. She leaves and comes back after exactly 60 seconds. Sure enough, her husband’s hair is all in place.

A month later, the widow is reviewing the bill for the funeral and she notices there was no charge for the hair problem.

She calls to inquire as to why. She’s told that it was “on the house.” “Nonsense,” she retorts, “you expended time and materials and I will compensate you for it. Now, give me a price!”

“Ok, madam”, the funeral director weari ly agrees. He holds the phone away and hollers across the room, “Hey, Charlie, how much was that six inch nail?”

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get a law degree so badly before you died?”

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer.”

Drowning your sorrows

A hack go lfer spends a day at a plush country club, playi ng golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.

Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”

The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

That was my provisional

Bill got a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife’s recent death. Bill told him the whole sad story.

“We were on the third ho le. Sally, my wife, was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men’s box when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock, I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up.”

The coroner replied “That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?”

“Oh ,” said Bill. “That was my provisional.”

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FEATURE

Late tee off

“Your late teeing off, Fred” “Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or to play golf” · “But why are you so late ?”

“I had to toss for it fifteen times!”

There was a terrible mix-up at the hospital. A man who had been scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. When told of the mistake, he was understandably distraught?

“I’ll never be able to experience an erection again,” he

Actual Answers In A Driving Exam Q: Do you stop when a blind pedestrian crosses the road?

A: What for? He can’t see my number plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a T-junction?

A: The car with “Guns Don’t Kill People. I do” Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow one?

A: The colour Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when reversing?

A: Always wear a condom.

Q: What are some points to remember when overtaking?

A: Overtake a couple more times if she’s cute.

Helping Grandad

wailed.

The surgeon tried to console him. “Of course you’ll be able to experience an erection - it’s just that it will be someone else’s.”

Two guys went for a walk in a national park. After about two hours of walking through the beautiful surrounding they saw a bear heading towards them. They climbed a tree, but the bear started to follow them up.

Perched on the branch, the first guy swapped his hiking boots for trainers.

“What are you doing?” asked his friend.

“When the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.”

“Are you crazy?” You can’t outrun a bear.”

“I don’t have to. I only have to outrun you.”

Up You Go

A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt • was so tight that she couldn’t make the step up. So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zip a little more and rai sed her leg. But still the skirt was too tight. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt which lifted her onto the bus.

She turned around and angrily told the man , “Sir, I don’t know you well enough to behave in such a manner. The man replied, “Lady, I don’t know you well enough for you to unzip my fly two times either.”

Quote

A little boy and his grandad were raking leaves in the garden . The boy saw an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. “Grandad, I bet I can get that worm back in that hole?” ‘’I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wriggly and limp to put back in that little hole. You’ll never get it in.”

The boy went into the house, came back wit h a can of hairspray and sprayed the worm until it was straight and stiff. Then he stuffed the worm back into the hole.

His grandad gave him the five dollars and trotted indoors with a smile on his face. Thirty mi nutes Later he reappeared and gave his grandson another five dollars.

“But Grandad, you already gave me five dollars.”

“I know. That’s from Grandma.”

“Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell I is just having to listen to your grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches” Jim Carrey

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FEATURE

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MISS SAUSAGE QUEEN MISS TIFFANY UNIVERSE

ODD BEAUTY

MISS KLINGON

MISS AMERICAN VAMPIRE MISS PREGNANT CHINA 14

FEATURE

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MISS DIAPER QUEEN MISS BUM BUM BRAZIL

Y PAGEANTS

MISS JUMBO QUEEN

MISS IDAHO POTATO

MISS LAND MINE ANGOLA

MISS BEAUTIFUL MORALS

MISS NASA BEAUTY QUEEN 15

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BELIEVE IT OR NOT

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 9 A gold block the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.

If you have a tapeworm, and you put your head over a pot of coffee with your mouth open, the tapeworm will crawl out of your mouth and extend towards the coffee, allowing you to grab it and pull it out.

From the Middle Ages until the 18th century the local barber’s duties included dentistry, bloodletting, minor operations and bone-setting.

The barber’s striped red pole originates from when patients would grip the pole during an operation.

On average, you speak almost 5000 words a day – although 80% of speaking is talking to yourself.

Adolf Hitler had a half-brother who left Germany because of his hatred of Adolf and the Nazi party.

The US Federal government gave him a totally new identity so he’d be safe and he currently lives in New York City.

A film censor in India once claimed that he used the following ‘rule of thumb’ when determining whether a movie should be shown or banned: “If a film gives me a funny feeling, I know it is dirty; but if I feel nothing, I know it is culture.”

A bride stands to the groom’s left at a wedding so that his sword hand is free. Apparently Anglo-Saxon brides were often kidnapped before the wedding and brawls were common. That’s also why the best man stands with the groom; the tribe’s best warrior was there to help the groom defend the bride.

More than 50,000 pieces of plastic debris float on every square mile of ocean.

Ten books on a shelf can be arranged in 3,628,800 different ways.

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COMEDY GREATS

STEVEN WRIGHT 18

“CROSS COUNTRY SKIING IS GREAT IF YOU LIVE IN A SMALL COUNTRY”

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COMEDY GREATS If plagiarism is, as they say, the sincerest form of flattery, then Boston comedian Steven Wright is surely the most flatulent comedian of all time. His surreal, oneline humour is eminently nickable and hence it gets nicked. A lot. Not that he cares too much. Leastways not since February this year, when, in a poll of three million internet users, he was voted the funniest man alive. Not bad for a man who once told an audience, “I’m insane, and you think it’s a show”.

During a recent interview with a young English journalist, Steven Wright was struggling to explain the inspiration behind his unique brand of observational comedy. “The world is just full of weird shit going by and I’m just reacting to it”, he ventured, as the perplexed young man nervously chewed his pen and waited for enlightenment. “I don’t like talking about topical things. I like talking about little things, like lint. Well, and the speed of light, which is not a little thing”, he drawled in the same slow monotone he has been using to deliver his act since he rose to fame on the Johnny Carson show in 1982.

“I can’t sit down at a desk and think of a joke. It just doesn’t work. If I’m at a desk, unless there’s a joke about a desk, or a wall. ... I’m not going to think about helicopters or the Sistine Chapel in my room.” The journalist nodded enthusiastically but his idle pen betrayed his lack of understanding. Wright sympathized with the nervous scribe, who, if truth be known, had until only minutes earlier thought he would be interviewing an annoying BBC radio disc jockey of the same name. But then, just as the interview looked doomed to stray into the arena of favourite colours and star signs, comic irony paid a timely visit to their restaurant table in the form of a black-clad waitress, who asked, “Are you waiting for a chef?”

furn iture.” At last the young journalist understood.

After a short pause, Wright’s laconic chuckle welled slowly from his stomach before spilling over into raucous, bodyshaking laughter. Eventually, wiping the tears from his eyes he replied, “No one’s ever asked me that question before. I didn’t really know it, but yes I guess I am. I’d like roast beef. I don’t know what he’s ha vin g. I’d also like an architect and a guy who does ice

Not that Wright is often seen laughing out loud . His act is almost always delivered with a perfectly straight face and it is easy to be lieve that the word ‘deadpan’ was invented with the sole purpose of descri bing his unique, almost detached style of delivery. As he paces up and down the stage feeding his hungry audience seemingly random thoug hts served on a bed of ethereal absurdity, his pained expression and apparent fas cination with his own shoes, belie the underlying confidence of a man who has been at the top of his trade for more than thirty years.

“If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts,” he is likely to announce. And the n, just as his audience are half way through chewing on that strange marcel, he will toss them an even stranger one. Like, “I’ve been getting into

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COMEDY GREATS astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious .” Or, “I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, “I thought I told you to go to sleep.” “His acute sense of timing never quite allowing complete digestion of any one thought before the next arrives.

It is a style he has maintained since his stage debut at an ‘open mike’ night at Boston’s ‘Comedy Connection’ club in 1981. “Fortunately I started out in Boston, because there was no show business there then . No producers or agents or managers. Just the guy in the club who decided whether you went on or not. I would have been ruined if someone had come in and said, ‘You can’t ‘not’ look at the audience! You can’t look at your feet.

You have to shave, and wear a sports jacket, and stay on one subject for three minutes.”

Wright is invariably described as ‘the master of one liners’ and the popularity of his bite-sized nuggets of offbeat humour is nowhere more evident than on the internet, where even a cursory search will throw up hundreds of pages of his gags. Some of which he recognizes and some of which he doesn’t. In a recent interview with the satirical comedy site ‘Onion.com’ he admitted to being somewhat perplexed by the vast number of Wright wannabees penning jokes in his name. “I saw one site recently and I didn’t write any of it. What’s disturbing is that a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A huge amount though are so bad it’s embarrassing.

“The thing about the Internet is, there’s no rules. It’s like the Wild West. It’d be like, if you never read Oliver Twist ... Some guy goes to the bookstore and buys Oliver Twist, and he’s reading, and all of a sudden, in Chapter 11, Oliver goes to Miami and starts a brothel, and starts building boats, and then he goes back to London.

And it’s because some nut in Detroit, at 2 in the morning , typed this into the book. But the guy reading the book doesn’t know that, and he’s thinking, ‘This Charles Dickens guy is an asshole: You know wh at I mean?

They just type this shit up and say I wrote it. If you went down the street to Borders at night, and broke into t he store, and stuck all this extra stuff into the books, you’d be arrested for breaking and entering and destroying property. But on the Internet, they can do whatever they want. That’s the thing that bothers me. I wish it was just my material, and people could like it or not like it. Just as long as it was really mine.”

It is the amazing rate at which his material is copied and circulated that has made Wright reluctant to ply his trade on television or to release a follow up to his 1986 Emmy award winning album ‘I Have a Pony’. “When I made that album, I noticed that the material on it became so well-known that I couldn’t really perform it anymore. It helped me go from clubs into theaters, but I didn’t think I needed to make another one, because I’m still in theaters.”

Despite his decision not to harness mass media forms of distribution for his work, Wright remains a prolific live performer and admits that to him the real reward is to actually see people laughing at the material he writes. “It’s a rush to present your creativity to all these people and figure out what they like. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened.

The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. For 90 minutes you’re on this other planet.” And of

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his first big break on the Johnny Carson Show, “W hen I first came out I was numb. I was so nervous I wasn’t nervous. But then I heard Johnny laugh from his desk and I thought, ‘Oh my God, Johnny Carson is laughing at something I said!’ That gave me the confidence to keep going.”

And we, just a few among the millions, are certainly glad he did.

• He made up his mind to become a comedian at the age of just 14 and claims to have been influenced by the comedy albums of Jonathan Winters, Bob Newhart and Woody Allen.

• His burning ambition as a teenager was to one day perform on the Johnny Carson Show. Which he did in 1982. When asked if he ever told Carson that that night had been the fulfillment of his childhood dream he said, “Hell no. I couldn’t talk. It was like getting into a cab by accident with Jesus.”

• He is also a very talented artist. Abstract works mainly.

• In 1988, Wright co-wrote (and starred in with ‘Roseanne’s’ Laurie Metcalf and British comedian Rowan Atkinson) a 30-minute comedy film called ‘The Apointments of Dennis Jennings’ about a waiter who shoots his psychiatrist with a hunting rifle. The film won an Oscar for best short film.

“I remember going up there and saying , ‘This is for the short film category, and we’re really glad now that we cut out the other 60 minutes.”

• He has also appeared in numerous films including ‘Desperately Seeking Susan’, ‘So I Married an Axe Murderer, ‘Reservoir Dogs’, and ‘Natural Born Killers’.

• He still remembers his first, ever live joke: “I was in a bookstore, and I started talking to a French-looking girl.

She was a bilingual illiterate. She couldn’t read in two languages”.

• He memorises his act from start to finish. “To the audience it’s like I’m ch anging the subject every 5 seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.”

• In June 1999, the readers of ‘GO’ magazine ranked the 75 funniest jokes of all time. Wright had five on the list.

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DATES FOR YOUR DIARY JUNE 2014 SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 9

1 Go Barefoot Day 4 Tailors Day 6 Drive In Movie Day 8 World Oceans day 9 Donald Duck Day 14 Worldwide Knit In Public Day 16 Fresh Veggies Day 20 Flip-Flop Day 22 Onion Rings Day 22

DATES FOR YOUR DIARY SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 9

25 Catfish Day 26 Beauticians Day 29 Log Cabin Day 30 Social Media Day June is also Candy month…..

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Samui Holiday

Back in the 1970s the word ‘Samui’ was known only to a few of the most adventurous backpackers eager to explore this little known and tricky to reach island. Then, a basic thatched bungalow with generator power and running water was considered luxury. Nowadays, 5-star resorts, that rival any world-class destination, occupy the prime beachfront and clifftop locations bringing the jetsetter crowd to this now well-known and easily accessible island in the Gulf of Thailand.

Samui is Thailand’s third largest island, yet mea sures just 21 kilometres at its widest point and 25 at its longest. A ring-road runs around the island for approximately 50 kilometres and links the many beaches and bays, so hiring a car or scooter is recommended, as it’s the best way to explore. Don’t be afraid to venture down an unmarked palm-lined track – this is how you come across some of Samui’s best kept secret beaches.

And it’s beaches after all that bring visitors to a tropical island, and those visitors will not be disappointed with Samui’s selection of bays and coves - from long stretches of white sand, to small coves, protected by giant boulders.

26 eastern and northern shores are the Samui’s

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most populated, and Chaweng is the busiest beach, with hardly a gap along the beachfront between restaurants, resorts and bars. At night, the beach takes off her sundress and glams up with her evening dress, completes with diamond earrings – metaphorically speaking that is. As the sun sets, sun-loungers are replaced with tables set out at the water’s edge. The aroma of sunscreen is replaced by the mouth-watering smells wafting from the open seafood barbecues on the beach. Sunglasses come off, first to view the brilliant sunsets, and later to gaze at the moon over the bay, or the fairy lights and lanterns lighting up the beach and palm trees.

As developed as Samui has become in some areas, what’s good to know is that the island observes a quaint building regulation – no building may be higher than the closest coconut palm. Now while these palms can get quite tall, this is still a far cry from the skyscrapers that line Phuket’s (Thailand’s biggest island) shore, and most resorts are still of the villa or bungalow style. If you’re looking for a slower pace, head west and south and get a feel of what Samui must have been like a few decades ago.

Another beach worth visiting is Choeng Mon at the north-eastern tip of the island. Frequented by expats, this is an ideal family beach, with just enough vendors to be convenient when you’re looking for a snack or drink, but not enough to bother you. South of Chaweng, before Samui’s second largest beach of Lamai, are two small coves, namely Crystal Bay and Coral Cove.

Samui has more to offer visitors and residents than just glorious beaches. Golf enthusiasts will delight in the views on offer from the challenging Santiburi Golf Club, high up in the hills above Maenam. There’re other golfing options available on the island too, including mini golf, and believe it or not, football golf.

There’s a fair selection of adrenalin sports, both on land and in water too.

accommodation-wise. From tiny beach bungalows, with not more than a hammock swinging between two trees, to luxury establishments offering the best of everything as well as all types of rooms in between, you’ll find it on Samui. There’s traditional to contemporary, family-friendly to hip and happening and allinclusive resorts to self-catering establishments too.

One of the best parts of travelling is trying new food.

Whether it’s Thai food you’re after or international cuisine, Samui’s chefs can prepare it for you. Be sure to try a walking street market during your stay too.

Fancy a night out on the town? Well the busier areas such as Chaweng and Lamai are home to a vast selection of night clubs, bars and cabaret shows. But you don’t have to wait until evening to party, with venues such as Nikki Beach on the west coast, and Beach Republic on the east coast, hosting DJs from lunchtime as guests mingle, dine and laze by the beachfront pools.

There’s plenty to see too during your stay, from viewpoints to temples and religious sites and butterfly gardens to Muay Thai boxing matches. There’s so much to see and do, that’s it’s best to make a list of your favourites so you don’t miss out.

Shopaholics won’t be disappointed with the retail therapy on offer. From bargaining at market stands to buying local designer-wear or original souvenirs made on Samui , you’ll find just what you’re looking for. Samui may not have big shopping malls (yet), but that doesn’t mean shopping can’t be fun and rewarding as you wander along the shopping strips set back from the beaches. Of course, you can have a suit tailor-made too in just a day or two. Who would have thought?

Whether you’re planning an action-packed holiday, or

Prefer something a little less energetic? Well Samui has become known as a spa, detox and pampering hub of Southeast Asia.

Whether you’re after a full detox program or just a day of ‘me time’, you’ll find a vast array of spas to choose from. You can’t go wrong with a 300 baht massage on the beach too. a time to unwind with the family, you can find all the Whether you’re a backpacker, a flashpacker or a 5-star- information you require at www.samuiholiday.com. It all-the-way kind of traveller, again, Samui will please will even tell you how to get here …

www.samuiholiday.com

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HOW TO GET TO SAMUI Fancy the Holiday of a Lifetime?

Koh Samui could be the place for YOU! Why Samui? What makes this tropical island in the Gulf of Thailand so popular, welcoming around one million tourists annually via air and ferry. An overview of this amazing island of coconuts, its beaches, and what it has to offer the holidaymaker.

Read more about the beaches on Samui...

http://www.samuiholiday.com/samuiinbrief.html

How do you get here?

As Samui is an island, it goes without saying that flight or ferry are your only options. Here you will find advice on not only the quickest and easiest way to reach Samui by air, but also budget options that involve trains, busses and finally ferries. It doesn’t matter HOW you get here, just get here!

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Koh Samui has something for everyone‌ As well as enjoying the natural beauty that is everywhere on Koh Samui, there are also many interesting and exciting aspects of island life to explore; some traditions having remained unchanged for centuries. And, of course, there is a wide variety of fascinating local temples to visit and some of them may surprise you!

http://www.samuiholiday.com/attractions.html

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THE RA

NT!

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The Rant’, first began circulating on the Internet in early 1998. It was supposedly penned by a disgruntled Sheffield United fan to the club’s fanzine. Real or not?

Who cares. (And for those of you who remember it- our sincerest apologies for having

to leave out the shower scene - fully uncensored version available on request).

‘I’m feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they’ve gone all soft. It’s because of poncy names.

That’s what it is. Remember in the old days, when footy players kicked a sodding ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire? Well, in them days players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy.

Tough names for tough men, them was. And what do we have now? Rio, Fabian, Titus, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie. Bloody tarts’ names, they are. Great big effing tarts. No wonder the ball’s like a bloody balloon and shin pads is like slices of bread. In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks. Shinpads in them days was made out of library books, and socks was like sackcloth. Same with the jerseys. Bloody shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody’s hairless chest can breathe and he doesn’t get a chill. Sod off!

Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe’s finest wearing a tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he bloody did. No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them. And they never used to show their arses at one another either. Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had fla shed his peach at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game? He’d have got one of them size 10 hobnail boots up his bastard chuff, that’s what.

Stress therapy? My arse! Stan Collymore slaps his missus about and he takes three seasons off with stress counselling.

What in bloody buggery is that all about? In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the old sow about a bit, specially after a bad defeat. And the women used to expect it, and so they should have. They was lucky to be married to footballers. Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife and was out of action for three month. Soft little tit. Archie MacShitt of Port Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned out against Bradford the following day. And he scored two goals. That’s cos his name wasn’t “Trevor”. Good old Archie. Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the Home Internationals. Did he have any stress counseling”? Did he ‘eck!

Goal celebrations? Don’t talk to me about goal celebrations. Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd.

I’d like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the Left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner.

Handshakes ... and that was all you got. Sixty grand a chuffing week! Ha! I wouldn’t pay ‘em tuppence. Two bob Tommy Lawton used to get. A month! And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England. It’s true, you know. Bloody is. Players had to work them days just to make up their money. Not like today. Star Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford craphouse cleaner. He had to go off during one game because some prat had built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend And that Eddie Hapgood was a male model. Though he never liked to talk about it.

So I say we start calling kids real male name again. If you’re having a kid, don’t ever consider one of those soft names like what people call their kids these days. Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years time - The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and bloody Chesney…

Sod that for a game of soldiers! Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and William, and let’s get these bloody softy names out of the game once and for all.

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COMEDY GREATS

JOHN CLEESE “His mother professed to finding her son’s work not in the least bit funny...”

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COMEDY GREATS There are those who would argue that John Cleese hasn’t done anything remotely funny since A Fish Called Wanda in 1988. But then again, when you’ve reached the heights of comedy excellence that Cleese has, when, as a bi-product of your work, you’ve enriched the English language with a brand new adjective (‘pythonesque’) and then deprived it of a perfectly good noun (Basil) who says you shouldn’t spend a little more of your dotage resting on your laurels?

Best known for purchasing a dead parrot, having the silliest walk ever and portraying the world’s rudest hotelowner, John Cleese is something of a paradox. Profoundly intelligent and well-read , Cleese was born to Reg & Muriel Cheese (yes, Cheese), poor but proud lower-middle-class parents who, despite their limited funds, sent him to private schools in the hope of encouraging his early leaning towards a career in law. Perhaps to the same end, Reg also did his family the small favour of switching the ‘h’ in his surname for an ‘I’.

If he had known quite how far his son‘s career would end up from the one their hard-earned savings had intended, maybe he wouldn‘t have bothered.

Having said that, Cleese is considered an academic, not a comedian, by his third wife, American psychotherapist Alyce-Faye and his status as a visiting professor at Cornell University USA and the holder of a law degree from Cambridge University, serve to support her claim. At 67 years old, and a fellow of serious intellectual leanings, Cleese admits he has become weary and somewhat embarrassed at being heckled in the street. “Do yer silly walk Basil! “ passersby shout, in reference not only to his famous ‘Silly Walks ‘ sketch from Monty Python, created for Fawlty Towers.

It is not nostalgia , however, that keeps dragging us back to these 30-year-old masterpieces, but the fact that very little these days is a worthy competitor for our attention. Indeed, in a Total Film magazine poll done in 2000 to find the number one classic comedy, Monty Python ‘s 1979 film Life Of Brian grabbed the honour.

Fawlty Towers has also become so universally popular that President Bush was said to have watched taped episodes at Camp David to cheer himself up during the time of Operation Desert Storm.

So who is this massively intelligent, rubber-legged comic genius who need do nothing more than look deadpan into the camera to have us all rolling over and splitting our sides? Who is the man who gave up his dreams of a career in law to join Cambridge University’s famed comedy theatre group, Footlights, and then take up such an undignified career as acting?

Cleese would probably have us believe that the stuffy English middleclass intellectual image that he has often portrayed on screen, is closest to his true self, but that would be to deny the existence, in large quanti-

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ties, of the show-off gene that has controlled his actions since childhood. Due in part to the fact that even as a boy he had to find a way - Cleese reached six feet tall at the unfortunate age of 12.

His childhood might have been ordinary, but it was far from unhappy. Born in 1939 in Uphill, just outside Weston-Super-Mare, England, Cleese lived in your typical 30s, not-atall-showbiz, household. His mother, who died five years ago at age 101, professed to finding her son ‘s work not in the least bit funny. However, his father, a traveling insurance salesman, had a particularly sarcastic sense of humour and could be quite the prankster, and later a muse for the adult John. On one occasion, in a confrontation with another motorist in a narrow Devon lane, Reg avoided trouble by pretending to be a ridiculous caricature of a Frenchman. John later drew on this caricature in a sketch with Chapman where, as two Frenchmen, they demonstrated the latest flying machine - a giant sheep that opened up to reveal rows of seats like in an airplane. Speaking in a French accent and stringing random French words together, Cleese flapped his arms and kicked up his legs to simulate a sheep in Flight - possibly one of Monty Python’s funniest early moments.

Throughout his education Cleese stood out among his peers, literally due to his height as well as intellectually. Often cleverer than his teachers while being relentlessly subversive, he could takeoff a pompous schoolmaster in a school review reducing the man’s colleagues to helpless laughter.

Similarly the six-foot 12-year-old once said to Mr Milligan, a particularly short school master, “Sir, a milligram is a very small thing.” The teacher was reportedly furious, but on the surface it had been such an innocent observation that there was little to be upset about.

It was in 1960 at Cambridge that he finally fell in with some like-minded boys. Tim BrookeTaylor, Bill Oddie and Graham Chapman may have come from slightly better-off families but Cleese’s height and intellectual strength helped him attain predominance in both writing and performance. Cleese maintained his leadership qualities throughout his career and was thought of, in roughly equal numbers, as either focused or overbearing.

Most of the time he got his own way, but not always, as in his arguments with the rest of the Python team that he was best suited to the titular role in Life of Brian, an argument he evidently eventually lost to his best friend Graham Chapman.

Despite his intellectual capacity, Cleese was always something of a humour addict. An avid follower of The Goon Show on British radio, he devoted a lot of his time at Cambridge to its legendary Footlights group, writing and

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performing in comedy reviews, often with fellow Python Chapman. One of these reviews, Cambridge Circus, achieved great success, touring New Zealand and America, and while Cleese was in the US he met Terry Gilliam, another future python.

On returning to England he began performing in a radio series I’m Sorry I’ll Read That Again based on Cambridge Circus that ran for several years and starred Brooke-Taylor, Oddie and Graeme Garden (the future Goodies). He also appeared briefly with Brooke -Taylor, Chapman and Marty Feldman in At Last the 1948 Show (1967) for television as well as collaborating with the very talented writers Eric Idle, Gilliam, Terry Jones, Michael Palin and Chapman, a group who went on to join him in Monty Python.

Originally intended as a vehicle for John Cleese, Monty Python’s Flying Circus quickly metamorphosised into an ensemble programme full of absurd and farcical humour, bizarre juxtaposition of scenes, obscure intellectualism and downright silliness that was instantly popular with a younger audience but that older audiences just didn ‘t get (my late Grandmother once admitted to me that every week my father and his friends would all gather around her TV to watch MPFC while she would leave the room and not come back until it was over).

Monty Python ran for three seasons until Cleese left, not appearing in season four, which turned out to be less successful, perhaps proving that whilst it hadn ‘t ended up as a vehicle just for Cleese, he was its leading light.

The Python team continued working together, however making such legendary movies as Monty Python and The Holy Grail (1975), Life of Brian (1979), Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982) and The Meaning of Life ( 1983). No more series of Monty Python were made after 1974 and the untimely death of Graham Chapman of cancer in ‘89 put an end to the team for good.

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It was shortly before the end of Monty Python ‘s TV run that Cleese came up with the idea for Fawlty Towers. In 1973 he and his fellow Python ‘s stayed at The Gleneagles Hotel in Torquay, England, where they happened upon the man who would ultimately provide the inspiration for what is now known as one of the funniest and most successful sitcoms in British history.

Donald Sinclair, the owner of the hotel was, according to Cleese, the rudest man he had ever encountered. Sinclair endeared himself to the Monty Python team by throwing Eric Idle’s briefcase out of the hotel “In case it contained a bomb,” complaining about Terry Gilliam ‘s table manners, and chucking a bus timetable at another guest after he had dared to ask the time of the next bus to town.

In 1975 after Cleese had left the Python team, the BBC approached him to do something else and it was together with Connie Booth, his wife at the time, that he created Fawlty Towers based on his experiences at the Gleneagles Hotel. Fawlty Towers (aka Farty Tower, Flay Otters, Fatty Owls, Warty Towels, Flowery Twats and Farty Towels) was based around demented hotel owner Basil Fawlty and his wife (“my little nest of vipers “) Cybil (played by Prunella Scales).

Cleese portrayed Cybil as the archetypal nagging wife and yet simultaneously aroused viewers’ empathy for her as his own character Basil makes gaff after social gaff. Making rude remarks to guests, mistaking them for being someone they’re not and then blaming them for his own mistake (The Hotel Inspectors), physical abuse of his staff such as beating his faithful waiter Manuel over the head with a frying pan, the list is endless. Manuel, played by Andrew Sacchs, in a reference perhaps to the mythological character Marnius who accidentally incurs the wrath of Zeus and is forced to spend eternity as a blacksmith ‘s anvil, is the ultimate victim of most situations. Whilst Polly, based on the mythological figure Polonius - the fairy who appeases Thaw to protect her mute son- runs around the hotel trying to restore order where there is chaos.

As anyone who has ever been to a pub quiz knows, only 12 episodes were made of Faw/ty Towers, a fact that serves as a constant reminder to sitcom producers that sometimes viewers don’t want to watch a show’s

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characters grow old, get fat and have babies, all in the context of a single comedy format. The episodes were filmed between ‘75 and ‘79, during which time Cleese also got involved with The Muppet Show (76) writing and appearing in the series as well as in the movie The Great Muppet Caper(‘81).

Monty Python and Fawlty Towers are still as universally popular and appreciated as they were 30 years ago.

On Monty Python’s longevity Cleese attributes “avoidance of death “. He adds, “I think that sometimes you do something that makes a small group of people laugh, which is all we were trying to do; we were just trying to make each other laugh. We thought after [Holy Grail] , it would just fade away and no one would hear a bit of it again. It is extraordinary how this somehow caught on. I can’t explain it because we never thought it would happen; it never even occurred to us.”

After MP and FT, having already achieved legendary status, Cleese probably need not have ever worked again, but he nevertheless set up his own production company, Video Arts, through which he made business training videos, starring himself, that became very successful in England.

Cleese continues to act prolifically, his most memorable film since the Python days being A Fish Called Wanda (‘88) also starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Kline and Michael Palin, although his offerings since then have generally failed to live up to his own high standards. Indeed most people agree that Cleese hasn‘t done anything half as good as Monty Python or Fawlty Towers but, as Joseph Heller once said when he was accused of not having done anything better than Catch 22, “who has ?”

For those of us living in the now, Cleese is best known for playing Headless Nick in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, the voice of the King (and Cameron Diaz’s dad) in Shrek 2 & 3 and for appearing as R in James Bond‘s The World is Not Enough (‘99), before graduating to play Q in Die Another Day (‘02) after the death of Veteran Bond film actor Desmond Llewellyn. While admitting to not liking movies all that much, when asked why he still does it he quips, “It’s because of this stuff called money that you have to have ... to get things with; you exchange it. It’s very hard to get on without it.”

Cleese moved to the USA and married for the third time. They divorced in 2008. He now lives in Bath, UK, with his fourth wife Jennifer Wade, while we all continue to watch re-runs and downloads of Fawlty Towers and The Life Of Brian, and wait for the master to make us laugh again.

Not that we will have to wait too long, the surviving members of Month Python have announced a reuniting performance to be held in July 2014.

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IT’S A MAD MAD WORLD SHAKE A LEG - JAPAN STYLE

“I wanted to see women get scared and shake their legs,” police quoted 35-year-old Manabu Mizuta as saying. This guy looks like quite a fetish lover and maybe one that will spend some time in lock-up.

A Japanese man was arrested for releasing hundreds of beetle larvae inside a moving express train to try to scare female passengers, police said Tuesday. Local police had been on alert after 18 similar cases of released worms had been reported this month by the same train operator. “When the arrest was made, the man had nearly emptied a container, which is believed to have held 200 worms,” he said. “You cannot count them because there are so many. Mizuta had 1 0 containers in his backpack estimated to contain a total of 3,600 worms, police said. “We have the worms sitting inside the police station right now,” the spokesman said. “You see them wriggling inside their clear cases. It’s really disgusting.”

SECURITY INTRUDES ON LIVE INTERVIEW JERUSALEM (Reuters)

A suspected break-in at Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni ‘s home Monday intruded on her electioneering when bodyguards accidentally broadcast an alert over her telephone line as she gave a live radio interview. Livni, a former Massad spy who hopes to succeed Prime Minister Ehud Olmert in a February 1 0 ballot, laughed as an unidentified man’s voice was repeatedly heard summoning police to her house in Ramat Hahayal, a Tel Aviv suburb. “Everything’s okay, I’m here,” she told Army Radio by phone, speaking from her office while the messages “Intruder alert” and “foreign minister’s house at Ramat Hahayal” sounded in the background. “You see -- all this security, and now everyone knows where I live,” Livni quipped.

She then offered to call back on her cellphone so the interview could go on uninterrupted. The radio later explained that an alarm button had been accidentally pressed at her home.

DISGRUNTLED 8-YEAR-OLD BOY CRASHES TEACHER’S CAR

BERLIN -An eight-year-old German schoolboy who wanted to complain to his mother about being sent out of class took his teacher’s car and crashed it, police said. The boy, banished from class for disrupting a lesson, pinched the 40-year-old teacher’s car key when she was not looking and managed to start up her compact car, accelerating and putting the vehicle into first gear.

“The little fellow drove for about 25 m before crashing into a Volvo, also parked in the car park outside the school,” a police spokesman in the eastern German city of Zwickau said on Thursday. The boy later told police he had wanted to drive home to his mother to complain about the teacher sending him out of class. Police estimated he caused 8,000 euros ($1 0,340) of damage.

ANT APHRODISIAC CONMAN EXECUTED

BEIJING - China has executed the leader of a bogus scheme for breeding ants to make aphrodisiacs that conned investors out of 3 billion yuan ($439 million), the official Xinhua news agency said on Thursday.

Wang Zhendong was executed on Wednesday in the northeastern province of Liaoning, Xinhua cited i. an unnamed local official as saying. ‘ The fictitious ant-breeding project that Wang fronted features prominently in posters and other government educational materials warning of the risks of pyramid schemes and other investment schemes that sound too good to be true. Wang promised investors in the fictitious project returns of 35 to 60 percent, Xinhua said. The ants were to be used for making liquor, herbal remedies and aphrodisiacs. One investor committed suicide after realizing he had been duped, while many others suffered from depression, Xinhua said.

JAPAN POLAR BEAR MATING STYMIED BY GENDER MIXUP

TOKYO (Reuters) - Handlers of a popular polar bear, brought to mate with a female in a zoo in northern Japan, found their breeding plan was doomed when they noticed that he, in fact, was a she. Tsuyoshi, a four-year-old, 200 kg (441 lb) creamcolored polar bear, had been living in harmony with a female polar bear since June, the two often playing together, Masako Inoue, a zookeeper at the Kushiro Municipal Zoo, said on Wednesday.

“We thought he was a male, so we never had any doubts as we took care of him ,” she said. “But one day we realized that the two bears urinate in the same way, and we thought, is that how males do it? And once we started to look at things that way, we weren’t quite so sure.” After two DNA examinations of Tsuyoshi ‘s hair and a manual exam, the Kushiro Municipal Zoo found Tsuyoshi to be a female. “We do have mixed feelings,” said Inoue.

“But because Tsuyoshi was supposed to be a male, she came here, and because she came here, we were able to take care of her since she was very small.” It is not uncommon for the sex of polar bears to be misread, Inoue said, as their long hair makes it difficult to distinguish, especially when the bears are young. Tsuyoshi was pegged as a male three months after birth, Inoue said. The Kushiro Municipal Zoo will talk with other zoos in the area to see what to do about their breeding plan, she added.

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THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SMARTARSE QUIPPIERY H is…for ‘Humour’

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”

- Rodney Dangerfield “To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”

- Oscar Wilde “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

- Albert Einstein “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

- Groucho Marx

…and for Having Fun

“Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant” - Jim Cole “If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun” - Katharine Hepburn

…and for Hair

“I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.”’

- Unknown “I don’t think it is so much the actual bath that most cats dislike; I think it’s the fact that they have to spend a good part of the day putting their hair back in place.”

- Debbie Peterson

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…and for Health

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ~ Redd Foxx My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. ~ Milton Berle How do I stay so healthy and boyishly handsome? It’s simple. I drink the blood of young runaways. ~ William Shatner According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women.

So don’t worry lonely women, you’ll be dead soon. ~ Tina Fey

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DOG TEXTS

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DOG TEXTS

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY

“You never surprise me” a woman moaned one day to her long suffering husband.

“Buy me a surprise for my birthday. Something that can accelerate from 0 to 150 in under 4 seconds, ...... and I’d prefer a blue one!”, she hinted.

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her .....

He’s dead now ... but he died a legend.

WHAT IS CELIBACY?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, Or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I listened to the instructor declare; ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the Things that are important to each other..”

He then addressed the men; ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?’

I leaned over, touched my wife’s hand gently, And whispered, ‘Self-raising, isn’t it?’

And thus began my life of celibacy..........

GOLF AND THE COW

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, ‘What happened to YOU?’ ‘Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

‘I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s backside. Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’’

‘I don’t remember much after that’

INSTANT HUMOR SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 9

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I’m on the toilet.

Please advise.

(Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?)

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INSTANT HUMOR

Monty Python’s classic Dead Parrot sketch For those of you who struggle to get past the - “this parrot is no more, it has ceased to be, it is an ex-parrot” - bit, here, courtesy of the Beeb, is the whole bleedin’ sketch, fjords ‘n all.

Praline (John Cleese): Hello, I wish to register a complaint ... Hello? Miss?

Shopkeeper (Michael Palin): What do you mean, miss?

Praline: Oh, I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

Shopkeeper: Sorry, we’re closing for lunch.

Praline: Never mind that lad, I wish to complain about this parrot which I purchased not half an hour ago at this very boutique.

Shopkeeper: Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue. What’s wrong with it?

Praline: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. It ‘s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it.

Shopkeeper: No, no it’s resting, look!

Praline: Resting?

Shopkeeper: Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innit?

Praline: The plumage don ‘t enter into it - it’s stone dead.

Shopkeeper: No, no - it’s just resting.

Praline: All right then, if it’s resting I’ll wake it up. (Shouts into cage) Hello Polly I I’ve got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot!

Shopkeeper: (jogging cage) There it moved.

Praline: No he didn’t. That was you pushing the cage.

Shopkeeper: I did not.

Praline: Yes you did. (takes parrot out of the cage and shouts) Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it against the counter) Polly Parrot, wake up, Polly. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that’s what I call a dead parrot.

Shopkeeper: No, no it’s stunned.

Praline: Look my lad, I’ve had just about enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk .

Praline: Pining for the fiords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got home?

Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird. Lovely plumage.

Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

Shopkeeper: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.

Praline: Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn ‘t voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It ‘s bleeding demised.

Shopkeeper: It’s not, its pining Praline: It’s not pining, it’s passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It’s expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It’s a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn ‘t nailed it to the perch, it would be push ing up daisies. It’s rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.

Shopkeeper: Well, I’d better replace it then.

Praline: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you’ve got to complain till you ‘re blue in the mouth.

Shopkeeper: Sorry guv, we’re right out of parrots.

Praline: I see. I see. I get the picture.

Shopkeeper: I’ve got a slug.

Praline: Does it talk?

Shopkeeper: Not really, no.

Praline: Well, it’s scarcely a replacement, then is it?

Shopkeeper: Listen, I’ll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother’s pet shop in Bolton he’ll replace your parrot for you.

Praline: Bolton eh?

Shopkeeper: Yeah Praline: All right (he leaves holding the parrot)

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JUST THOUGHTS SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 9

“Can’t dance, won’t dance,” says Joe Swain from the safety of the bar If I were to charge up to you in a crowded pub and interrupt your conversation by ordering you to shut up immediately, neck your drink and spend the next threeand-a-half minutes jiggling up and down as if you’d temporarily mislaid your spine, you’d probably quite rightly reward me with a swift poke in the eye with a sharpened cocktail stirrer.

So why is it when I politely refuse to do just that, every time some pimply-faced youth in a DJ tree-house decides that even after 30 years, we still haven’t had enough of Abba’s, ‘Dancing Queen’, everyone thinks I’m being a miserable old git?

Forgive me if you will, but it’s bad enough having to dive for cover from the ensuing stampede of shrieking thirty-something females (to whose primal rhythmic urges this particular song seems to appeal so strongly), without having the additional fear of being swept up in their wake and mercilessly dragged off to dance.

I mean, let’s face it, some people can dance and some people can’t. I’m a ‘can’t’. Always have been and always will be. Indeed I’d say there are probably only three situations in which I ever dance: Under duress. Under the influence. And in my underpants. (At home when no one else is around - I’m sure you know what I mean.)

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I can handle the ‘cans’ - often lovely to watch and invariably decent enough not to clutter up the bar area for any longer than it takes to buy a bottle of water. It’s the ‘can’ts’ who mistakenly think they’re ‘cans’ that I find difficult.

The vast majority are male and are easily distinguishable by their tendency to ‘over-dance’.

A desperate attempt to substitute energy for rhythm. If you’ve ever seen one of those North American Lumberjack competitions where they have to try and stay on their feet on a wet, spinning log, then this

SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 9

JUST THOUGHTS is not a dissimilar sight. Feet pumping away in a frenzy and arms darting around like a shoplifting octopus, they usually sport a grin so wide that you are left in no doubt that far from finding the whole thing sleep-disturbingly embarrassing, they’re actually as comfortable as pigs wa llowing in the proverbial.

Unfortunately such is the pace at which they seem propelled to gyrate their high-kicking, arm numbing activities, does not improve their ability to dance, alas their sense of public duty is rarely affected. the almost scary strength of their belief in their own abilities, dictates that their mission, in between practical demonstrations of their art, is to seek out groups of nondancing bar lurkers like me and tutor us in the ways of the righteous.

Indeed, there’s little in life I find more testing than being stood at the bar at a wedding or a works do, quietly supping my pintand admiring the pot-bellied lead singer of ‘Bobby Dazzlers Rhythm and Blues Groove Train’ belting out his very own version of the latest four note boy band hit and having some shinypated, sweat-sodden gyrator in search of re-hydration (and let’s face it, probably a pat on the back for being such a wild and gregarious ‘nutter’ on the dance floor) come up to me and say something earth-shatteringly astute like, ‘You not dancing yet then Joe?’ I find that in these situations there’s little point bothering with a polite reply like, ‘No. Not really my thing actually - but you appear to be enjoying yourself’, because this will simply translate to the ears of the sweat blob as, ‘Yes you’re right, I’m a coward and a loser and God how I wish I could be more like you: Best just to pick up a large knife, fix them with an equally insincere grin and say, ‘You not bleeding yet then?’

Of course I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to having dabbled with voluntary, sober dancing in the past. Who hasn’t? I even had phases as a teenager when I thought I was quite good at it. But then one day shortly after my fifteenth birthday, during a particularly lucid out-of-body experience, I saw to my horror that I only had one dance. That all I was doing was varying the speed of it according to the music and maybe chucking in the occasional spin for good measure. I was devastated. I think that was the day my rhythm finally packed its bags and wa lked out of my life forever. I like to imagine it’s now happily ‘cha cha chaing’ its days away in some seedy little cabana bar in Rio, and that so mewhere along the way it ran into my singing voice and my sense of direction and that the three of them are now the best of friends.

Maybe one day it’ll come back and the world will have to brace itself for my return to the dance floor. Who knows? All I ask is that for the sake of my reputation and my sanity it doesn’t appear on youtube!

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BOOK REVIEW SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 9

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

- (a husbands point of view - by Pam Ayres)

The missus bought a Paperback, Down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; ... T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn’t weathered well; She’s eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said, I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel, You’d see just why I spluttered, I’d spent two months in traction For the last complaint I’d uttered.

She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit, I went to hold her, sensual like And stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out: “Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey.

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 9

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SQUEALER MAGAZINE / ISSUE 9

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